Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here.
Speaker 1: Back for another episode as we break down the psychology
Speaker 1: of our twenties. I want to begin this episode with
Speaker 1: a question, how many friendships do you have with people
Speaker 1: who don't live in the same state, same city, even
Speaker 1: the same country. As you quickly do the math, how
Speaker 1: many long distance friendships do you have? So the average
Speaker 1: number for people in their twenties is between two to
Speaker 1: five people. Two to five of the people we consider
Speaker 1: friends are people who we might not see for months
Speaker 1: on end, sometimes even years. They are the people that
Speaker 1: we stay connected to via text messages and tiktoks and
Speaker 1: rushed voice notes on the train, FaceTime calls when we can,
Speaker 1: and it can be really, really difficult to sustain those relationships.
Speaker 1: Only about fifty percent of long distance friendships are successful
Speaker 1: in the long term, which, you know what, it's either
Speaker 1: very good odds or very terrifying odds, depending on how
Speaker 1: we see it. And despite that, we go into our
Speaker 1: long distance friendships with so much optimism and hope because
Speaker 1: we really care about these people and you know, what
Speaker 1: else are we meant to do? If we said goodbye
Speaker 1: to every single friendship that was inconvenient, or every single
Speaker 1: friendship where distance made it difficult, we would be pretty
Speaker 1: lonely people. Because distance, whether it's physical or emotional, is
Speaker 1: kind of a fact of life. It's a fact of relationships.
Speaker 1: There are periods of great closeness and then periods where
Speaker 1: the connection kind of wanes. And our twenties are definitely
Speaker 1: the decade for learning that lesson in my mind. For
Speaker 1: the first eighteen years of our lives, right, we are
Speaker 1: typically never more than I would say, thirty minutes away
Speaker 1: from our friends. We also tend to see each other
Speaker 1: probably five days a week at school, and then after
Speaker 1: we leave high school, we have that first exodus or
Speaker 1: that first shift of navigating long distance friendships when we
Speaker 1: all kind of scatter for college or we stay in
Speaker 1: the same place. Then we might make new friends at university,
Speaker 1: and often we become even closer with these people we
Speaker 1: live with them, we experience many of our first with
Speaker 1: them until we are hit with that second round of
Speaker 1: distance post graduation. Right when you know, typically we're often
Speaker 1: at our peak closeness with people. The relationships start to disperse.
Speaker 1: I think this is definitely the period where our friendships
Speaker 1: are tested the most and they become less convenient. It's
Speaker 1: a bit of a universal experience in my mind, a
Speaker 1: bit of a rite of passage. We move from high
Speaker 1: school to university, and then we move for our careers,
Speaker 1: and then we move just for fun, and it seems
Speaker 1: like everyone, the one we know and love at times,
Speaker 1: is kind of sprawled across the world and we're living
Speaker 1: these very distinct, separate lives. Of course, we still have
Speaker 1: the friends that have stayed in the same place or
Speaker 1: who have moved with us. But for those long distance friendships,
Speaker 1: things do shift, and yet we still really want to
Speaker 1: be part of each other's reality. We don't want to
Speaker 1: give up the friendship. So today I want to talk
Speaker 1: about why we don't have to and how we can
Speaker 1: make it work. I also really want to explore what
Speaker 1: exactly happens to a relationship when we add in distance,
Speaker 1: and how to make sure that those long distance friendships
Speaker 1: continue to be fulfilling, they continue to be deep and
Speaker 1: vulnerable and incredible. You know, I have some of my
Speaker 1: own strategies, and I've really come up with a bit
Speaker 1: of an essential formula for maintaining long distance friendships. Plus you,
Speaker 1: all the listeners were kind enough to provide your own
Speaker 1: tips and tricks that have helped you through the years,
Speaker 1: so I'm excited to hear from some of you. Let
Speaker 1: me just say this episode is coming at a great
Speaker 1: time for me. This year, I went through a period
Speaker 1: where three of my closest friends all moved overseas in
Speaker 1: pretty quick succession. So it has definitely been a year
Speaker 1: of playing a lot of phone tag and just adjusting
Speaker 1: to this new reality with them. I also have a
Speaker 1: lot of really important friends with whom you know I
Speaker 1: haven't lived in the same city as for thirteen ten
Speaker 1: five years or so, so I was definitely paying pretty
Speaker 1: close attention to what you guys had to say, what
Speaker 1: you've learned from your own experiences, and of course the research.
Speaker 1: I also want us to leave some space to consider
Speaker 1: what happens when long distance friendships aren't working out and
Speaker 1: when they become pretty strained. You know, when exactly is
Speaker 1: it time to release someone, When is it time to
Speaker 1: grieve a friendship that didn't survive the long distance phase.
Speaker 1: We've got to talk about that as well, amongst all
Speaker 1: the other positive optimistic things that we'll cover. With all
Speaker 1: that in mind, there is so much psychology, so much advice,
Speaker 1: so much evidence to talk about today. So without further ado,
Speaker 1: let's get into it. Taking a close relationship and adding
Speaker 1: distance can cause a lot of emotional, social, relational changes.
Speaker 1: And the biggest one, the biggest contributor to the difference
Speaker 1: that we notice, I think comes down to a lack
Speaker 1: of convenience, a lack of proximity, and a decrease in
Speaker 1: shared memories, all of which are very well known crucial
Speaker 1: elements of friendship. I will say, we do know that
Speaker 1: these ingredients are really important, but they're especially important when
Speaker 1: a friendship is just getting started and in its infancy.
Speaker 1: That is why relationships can still survive long distance when
Speaker 1: they've been around for a while. You know, if we
Speaker 1: didn't have the convenience, proximity and shared memories at the beginning,
Speaker 1: then the relationship are more likely to fail. But normally,
Speaker 1: when we decide to be friends and continue a friendship
Speaker 1: with someone who is moving away or when we're moving away,
Speaker 1: it's because we've already got this foundation of trust, of familiarity,
Speaker 1: of similarity, and of some other essential element, This element
Speaker 1: of knowledge and being seen by the other person that
Speaker 1: makes us feel like to lose them would almost be
Speaker 1: to lose a part of ourselves. So it's really difficult
Speaker 1: when a friendship is impacted by distance, but it's not
Speaker 1: a death sentence by any means, especially to establish friendships.
Speaker 1: Despite that it does make it harder to connect. When
Speaker 1: we are closer, we can just naturally do more things
Speaker 1: with our friends, and we can do more of those
Speaker 1: feller activities, and it's those filler activities that really help
Speaker 1: us bond and make shared memories. Shared memories are key
Speaker 1: for low long term social bonding. There was a twenty
Speaker 1: twenty two study that found that the more autobiographical and
Speaker 1: specific memories that we share with others, the closer we
Speaker 1: tend to feel. And what that essentially means is that
Speaker 1: the more moments that our friends are around for and
Speaker 1: the more moments that we can look back on and
Speaker 1: see our friend in the background or by our side,
Speaker 1: the greater our level of intimacy. It's, you know, really
Speaker 1: wonderful when we do get to see our long distance
Speaker 1: best friends for a weekend or at a friend's wedding
Speaker 1: or at a big celebration, and of course We're going
Speaker 1: to take any of the time that we can get
Speaker 1: with them. But in my opinion, the thing that I
Speaker 1: really miss the most is the errands. It's running into
Speaker 1: each other on the street. It's like grabbing a quick coffee,
Speaker 1: the you know, want to get a drink text, knowing
Speaker 1: that you can both be ready in ten minutes. It's
Speaker 1: that instant gratification of having that person around and knowing
Speaker 1: that they could be at your house, you know, in
Speaker 1: a second. I reminisce on this all the time with
Speaker 1: my friend Erin, who I talk about so often on
Speaker 1: the show. When we lived in Camber together, and it's
Speaker 1: been four years now since that was the case, but
Speaker 1: when we did live only one hundred meters away from
Speaker 1: each other, my favorite thing to do with her would
Speaker 1: be grocery shopping, and that is something that is so
Speaker 1: boring and plain, but we would walk up and down
Speaker 1: the aisles for hours and hours just chatting, and then
Speaker 1: we would come home and I'd sit on her couch
Speaker 1: while she cleaned. There was no fanfare. It was just
Speaker 1: so simple. It was so every day and at the time,
Speaker 1: I did, you know, I didn't realize how nostalgic I
Speaker 1: would one day be for that opportunity to just have
Speaker 1: that everyday closeness with someone, and especially with such a
Speaker 1: good friend. There's also something to be said for the
Speaker 1: value of in person contact right like, nothing beats it,
Speaker 1: even as we look for online substitutions and solutions. Getting
Speaker 1: to just see your friend and give them a big
Speaker 1: hug and just talk to them and hear their laughter
Speaker 1: like as you see it, and responding to the same things,
Speaker 1: experiencing the same things, that's pretty special. And it goes
Speaker 1: without saying that a relationship that is defined by solely
Speaker 1: online interactions, it can feel slightly colder, it can feel
Speaker 1: a little bit more plain, but that just makes the
Speaker 1: time that you do spend together, you know, physically, a
Speaker 1: lot more special. And I like to think about, you know,
Speaker 1: how many people were able to make friendships and who
Speaker 1: made relationships that survived for decades doing long distance before technology.
Speaker 1: You know, there were people who would go away for
Speaker 1: years at a time and they'd come back and their
Speaker 1: family would still be there, their friends would still be there.
Speaker 1: We'd pick up like there was old time, like it
Speaker 1: was old times. And during those periods away, you know,
Speaker 1: they would there would be limited communication, there would be
Speaker 1: a lot of slow communication. That is something that we're
Speaker 1: actually going to talk about a little bit later on
Speaker 1: why traditional forms of communication like letters and photos and
Speaker 1: postcards are very very special for a long distance friendship.
Speaker 1: Not to offer any spoilers, but a lack of convenience,
Speaker 1: a lack of proximity and physical contact that can make
Speaker 1: long distance friendships especially hard in the weeks and the
Speaker 1: months and the early days, especially right after a move.
Speaker 1: It can feel kind of awkward almost as you like
Speaker 1: adjust to this new chapter of your relationship. And I
Speaker 1: really want to make that known. It is going to
Speaker 1: be difficult. It's okay to feel like this is a
Speaker 1: little bit weird. It's quite hard to effortlessly slide into
Speaker 1: an online relationship, especially one that is across time zones,
Speaker 1: across cities, across countries. And this may sound controversial to some,
Speaker 1: and I totally accept if you don't agree with this,
Speaker 1: but I was talking to my friend about this the
Speaker 1: other day and I came across this point that your
Speaker 1: friendships shouldn't automatically improve when you go long distance, and
Speaker 1: the same goes for a romantic relationship as well. Your
Speaker 1: friendship actually should not be at its best when you
Speaker 1: are not seeing each other often. I think that immediate
Speaker 1: dip and that insecurity that you may feel when the
Speaker 1: distance first begins. It's very uncomfortable, but I think it's
Speaker 1: also a sign of how much this friendship means to
Speaker 1: you and how much you don't want to lose them.
Speaker 1: If it was effortless, if it was like, wow, I
Speaker 1: barely even notice that you're gone, you kind of have
Speaker 1: to consider, like, how close were we really? So it's
Speaker 1: actually totally normal to worry about things changing, to worry
Speaker 1: about the friendship not being the same, to worry about
Speaker 1: losing them. I think that those fears are actually a
Speaker 1: really beautiful indication of a very deep love. Let's also
Speaker 1: talk about something else that it's bound to come up
Speaker 1: in not even the early days, but just in the history,
Speaker 1: in the journey of a long distance friendship, and that
Speaker 1: is like the awkwardness around forgetting to talk for a
Speaker 1: little while, and forgetting to call for a few months
Speaker 1: and playing phone tag and feeling like the dynamic has changed.
Speaker 1: You talk to each other less because life is just
Speaker 1: busy and it's hard to pick up the phone. I
Speaker 1: think the guilt that follows that, the guilt that you
Speaker 1: aren't as close anymore. That becomes a real obstacle in
Speaker 1: continuing to be friends with someone. You cannot have guilt
Speaker 1: in a relationship and hope that it survives. And often
Speaker 1: I'll see people who you know are like, well, it's
Speaker 1: just been too long. I just shouldn't message them. It's
Speaker 1: just going to be really, really awkward. That is not
Speaker 1: what we are looking for. We need to be able
Speaker 1: to swallow our pride and just say, you know, I've
Speaker 1: got a lot on my plate, let's just get right
Speaker 1: back to normal. Let's just return to how we were.
Speaker 1: Because we do begin our long distance friendships with a
Speaker 1: lot of optimism. We want to talk to them every day,
Speaker 1: we want to still be involved. But it is difficult,
Speaker 1: especially perhaps when you're the one who has moved away
Speaker 1: and you're kind of swept up into your new life.
Speaker 1: You are facing the pressure to find new friends, to
Speaker 1: find your footing. I think that our attachment to our
Speaker 1: previous life for a while can naturally just be a
Speaker 1: little bit neglected. But the more you avoid calling, talking,
Speaker 1: finding the time for a FaceTime, the harder it's going
Speaker 1: to become. And I'm speaking from experience. You don't have
Speaker 1: to devote an hour. But when you're thinking about your friend,
Speaker 1: when you see something that reminds you of them, those
Speaker 1: are small touch points throughout your day that they are
Speaker 1: important to you, and you should just communicate that to them.
Speaker 1: Call them for ten minutes when you're on the train,
Speaker 1: Send them the picture of the thing that reminds them
Speaker 1: of you, of them, you know, anything it is, Send
Speaker 1: them the song that you're listening to when they come
Speaker 1: into your mind. Just let them know and find the
Speaker 1: convenience that you used to have because of proximity in
Speaker 1: this new form. So I'm already skipping ahead into my tips.
Speaker 1: I'm already giving away the secrets. We're not even there yet.
Speaker 1: We're not even in that section. What I really want
Speaker 1: to give you before we get into specific things is
Speaker 1: the formula that I have and that I deeply believe
Speaker 1: in for managing long distance relationships. And I actually talk
Speaker 1: very extensively about this formula in my book that comes
Speaker 1: out in April, But since that's a while away, I'm
Speaker 1: just going to give you the cliff note version now
Speaker 1: because it's too valuable not to share. Maintaining a long
Speaker 1: term long distance friendship is a combination of effort, patience, opportunity,
Speaker 1: and managing expectations. So that's the formula, effort, patience, opportunity,
Speaker 1: and managing expectations. If I was smarter about this, I
Speaker 1: would have come up with like a cool little anagram
Speaker 1: word for it. I haven't done that, but you know
Speaker 1: someone can do that. The only word I can thin
Speaker 1: of his mope, which isn't going to work for this.
Speaker 1: But let's go through each of these different elements of
Speaker 1: this equation. So effort relationships, they do not just happen
Speaker 1: without some form of investment, even if there is distance involved.
Speaker 1: So you have to be intentional and you have to
Speaker 1: really decide, you know, if you're the one moving, if
Speaker 1: someone has moved, do I want this person in my life?
Speaker 1: Because if I do, it is going to be an
Speaker 1: investment and it is going to take time. You have
Speaker 1: to make plans. You have to make each other part
Speaker 1: of your routine. You have to do the weekly, monthly
Speaker 1: phone calls, the monthly trips, the yearly trips, the long
Speaker 1: voice notes. You know, you have to show up for
Speaker 1: your friends by keeping your finger on the pulse of
Speaker 1: their lives. I've found the best way to get a
Speaker 1: sense of whether I really know what's happening with one
Speaker 1: of my long distance friends. Is to know and be
Speaker 1: aware of the following things. I should know what they're
Speaker 1: looking forward to, I should know what they're struggling with,
Speaker 1: And I should know what they're focused on or interested
Speaker 1: in at the moment, So like, what's something that they're
Speaker 1: loving like a TV show? Those three things are really
Speaker 1: good indicators as to the health of my long distance friendship.
Speaker 1: The second important part of this formula is patience. It
Speaker 1: probably should be number one. People aren't always going to
Speaker 1: be who we want them to be. Long Distance friendships
Speaker 1: can be frustrating, especially when we are now separate and
Speaker 1: dealing with our own complex internal and external lives as well.
Speaker 1: But all good, long lasting love involves a very healthy
Speaker 1: dose of patience. This is especially true if you have
Speaker 1: a friend who is not in the same place, time zone,
Speaker 1: country as you. The golden rule is to show your
Speaker 1: friends the grace that you would appreciate in their circumstances.
Speaker 1: And I have definitely been on the receiving end of
Speaker 1: this patience more time than I can count. You know,
Speaker 1: it's probably saved quite a few friendships of mine. Was
Speaker 1: my friends really being like yeah, I get that this
Speaker 1: is a transitional, transformative period for you. I'll be patient
Speaker 1: and I'll wait until this is a better time. I'll
Speaker 1: wait until you come back, as in like until I
Speaker 1: am ready to come back into their lives, not like
Speaker 1: come back to where they are geographically wise. So you
Speaker 1: really do have to be patient. The next important ingredient
Speaker 1: is opportunity. Effort is one thing, and it's a big thing,
Speaker 1: but sometimes there are just moments in a friendship that
Speaker 1: happen by coincidence and just take things to the next level.
Speaker 1: You can't always plan or predict what these moments might be,
Speaker 1: but you have to be open to the opportunity of
Speaker 1: getting a surprise chance to see them, or the opportunity
Speaker 1: to meet each other in the middle, the opportunity to
Speaker 1: have them stay for a weekend, even if it's last
Speaker 1: minute to go to the concert, or you know, to
Speaker 1: pick up the phone and call them just when you
Speaker 1: feel like it. There are moments when we can reconnect
Speaker 1: in very special circumstances, and it's really hard sometimes because
Speaker 1: you're busy, you're tired, you're used to a different life.
Speaker 1: Without the minute, there is always going to be a
Speaker 1: million excuses as to why they can't sleep on the
Speaker 1: on your floor and why you can't make that weekend work.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you now, in hindsight, you're going to wish
Speaker 1: that you had taken the opportunity and just run with it.
Speaker 1: You're going to wish that you'd made the time. So
Speaker 1: finding and taking advantage of opportunities to see each other
Speaker 1: or to reconnect just as valuable as effort. And finally,
Speaker 1: this one's quite similar to patients, but maintaining long distance
Speaker 1: friendships really requires adjusting your expectations, and that can mean
Speaker 1: for communication, but also just adjusting the role that they
Speaker 1: might play in your life, how much you can rely
Speaker 1: on them, how much you can essentially rely on each other.
Speaker 1: This also comes down to boundaries and being really articulate
Speaker 1: about what you need from this friendship. If you can't
Speaker 1: call once a week, if that's too much of a
Speaker 1: mental burden for you or you're just so busy, tell
Speaker 1: them that. If you prefer voice notes to facetimes, tell
Speaker 1: them that, if you prefer Instagram to snapchat, like, whatever
Speaker 1: your communication medium is, make sure that you're clear on
Speaker 1: expectations around how often you're going to communicate, how deep
Speaker 1: that communication is going to be what you can expect
Speaker 1: from each other in certain moments. I think people I
Speaker 1: don't think. I know. Actually I'm going to change this statement.
Speaker 1: I know and you know as well. People change over time,
Speaker 1: and loving them means letting them do. So they might
Speaker 1: not be the first person that you call with good
Speaker 1: news anymore. But just because the relationship has changed doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that it should be discarded. Just because things have
Speaker 1: shifted doesn't mean that you should listen to your first
Speaker 1: instinct to panic, to abandon the relationship before you get hurt,
Speaker 1: to move on with your lives. I think instead, it's
Speaker 1: important to have a conversation that could really save an
Speaker 1: important friendship to you. So that was my very very
Speaker 1: general formula. But I also want to move into some
Speaker 1: of the specific creative fun ways that you can keep
Speaker 1: the spark alive in your long distance friendships. Some of
Speaker 1: these are from you guys, from our wonderful listeners, and
Speaker 1: some of them, let me just say a genius, they're
Speaker 1: just wonderful. So we are going to take a quick break,
Speaker 1: but when we return, I want to dive into these
Speaker 1: practical tips. When I asked you all over on Instagram,
Speaker 1: what is your best advice or the best thing that
Speaker 1: you have been told about maintaining a long distance friendship.
Speaker 1: You pulled through like I have never seen before. I
Speaker 1: the amount of responses I got, I just feel like
Speaker 1: that is further evidence to me of how universal this
Speaker 1: experience is, especially in this decade, and the real challenge
Speaker 1: that comes with navigating relationship with someone despite obstacles. So
Speaker 1: I couldn't even count. I think I received over five
Speaker 1: hundred responses. And first things first, because I can't possibly
Speaker 1: list them all. The major themes or the general pieces
Speaker 1: of advice that came from you guys were to schedule
Speaker 1: regular calls, to find easy ways to keep in touch
Speaker 1: so that convenient factor plan when you see each other next.
Speaker 1: But also be forgiving because life gets busy and you
Speaker 1: know you're living different lives now. Patience keeps coming up,
Speaker 1: both from me both from you guys. It's probably the
Speaker 1: most important thing to remember in these relationships. But here
Speaker 1: what the more specific ideas. So this one I heard
Speaker 1: from three people, and I was actually reading it and
Speaker 1: being like, I wonder if these people are friends and
Speaker 1: it's worked for all of them, so they're all sharing
Speaker 1: the idea Because there was only three people who mentioned it,
Speaker 1: and I was like, this is so similar. And the
Speaker 1: idea is called waffle Wednesdays. Really cute name to begin,
Speaker 1: but basically the premise is they told me was that
Speaker 1: on Wednesday, every person in their group chat or either
Speaker 1: party of a friendship, you have to send a big
Speaker 1: voice note or a big waffle to each other with
Speaker 1: everything from the huge life updates to the minor things
Speaker 1: the TV show you're watching, the bug that you killed
Speaker 1: in your bathroom, your new favorite workout. Just give them
Speaker 1: a big, deep dive into your life. I really loved
Speaker 1: that they spoke about not just focusing on the big things,
Speaker 1: but making sure that you also share the small, mundane
Speaker 1: details as well. I do this with my friends by
Speaker 1: sending them random things I want to buy, or like,
Speaker 1: you know, I'll send them pictures of a haircut or
Speaker 1: different haircuts that I want, and I'll be like, oh,
Speaker 1: you should choose. You keep them engaged. This was also
Speaker 1: a cute idea, and it comes back to that concept
Speaker 1: of slow communication or snail mail that we talked about before.
Speaker 1: It's sending each other's letters, sending each other hand written
Speaker 1: letters with maybe a nice envelope, a nice stamp, just
Speaker 1: so that people feel more special about your communication. It
Speaker 1: might be more rare, but maybe that's like the really
Speaker 1: special part. You're really excited to read their twelve fifteen,
Speaker 1: twenty page note or maybe just the one page letter.
Speaker 1: Care Packages are another thing. I do this with my friends.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm gonna bring up erin again. But
Speaker 1: she is like one of my most significant long distance
Speaker 1: friendships and we've been doing it for a while. And
Speaker 1: for Christmas this year, I sent her a bunch of
Speaker 1: chocolate she lives in Tasmania that she can't get. You know,
Speaker 1: that's only available in the main life end of Australia.
Speaker 1: So care packages. Try not to forget Christmas, Birthdays, or
Speaker 1: just send them things when you feel like it. You know,
Speaker 1: it's so exciting to get something in the mail from
Speaker 1: someone you love, with heaps of little treats and special things.
Speaker 1: It is also a really good reminder, speaking of writing letters,
Speaker 1: speaking of gifts, to continue communicating in each other's love
Speaker 1: language even when you are miles apart. Obviously, you know
Speaker 1: it's really hard to continue communicating through quality time or
Speaker 1: through physical touch, that's the big one. But try and
Speaker 1: find ways that you continue to show them love in
Speaker 1: the format that they might desire. So for quality time.
Speaker 1: As an example, instead of just facetiming and talking for
Speaker 1: twenty minutes, you guys could do activities together, or you
Speaker 1: could do watch parties, or you could do the Word
Speaker 1: or the Connections or the Sunday Quiz together as a
Speaker 1: way to like build this quality time that you feel
Speaker 1: like you're spending with each other. So I find that
Speaker 1: really really important. You know, if you're someone who isn't
Speaker 1: the words of affirmation person, you might not want to
Speaker 1: jump on a call and be like, oh I miss you,
Speaker 1: I miss you, I miss you every week, but you
Speaker 1: might really want to receive a really nice gift or
Speaker 1: just to receive a message from someone being like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about you. This one person and I'm
Speaker 1: this one was really really interesting. Only one person sent
Speaker 1: this in and I loved her idea. And what she
Speaker 1: does is that she shares a journal with her friend
Speaker 1: love this, so they have this journal they send it
Speaker 1: back and forth. I was also like, who's going to
Speaker 1: keep this journal when it's done? When it's finished, maybe
Speaker 1: it's something that deserves to be in a museum of
Speaker 1: committed friendships, because that is just such a beautiful, beautiful idea,
Speaker 1: and you could like put stickers on it and like
Speaker 1: decorate it so every time it comes back to that person,
Speaker 1: it's different. Very Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants vibes. Watch
Speaker 1: that movie the other day. It was gorgeous. It was beautiful.
Speaker 1: If you're actually are in a long distance friendship, watch
Speaker 1: that together. It's such a great movie. This was another tip.
Speaker 1: Have a close friend's story where you can just share
Speaker 1: whatever you want, like there's no pressure of judgment from
Speaker 1: people you're not close with, or isn't you know a
Speaker 1: long distance friend. My friend EJ she does this. She
Speaker 1: just recently moved to London, and I love her close
Speaker 1: friend's story because firstly, she's just very, very funny, so
Speaker 1: it's like always quite hilarious. And yeah, I'm just thinking
Speaker 1: about some of the stuff she posted today and I'm like, yes,
Speaker 1: she's a funny girl. But it's also just really special
Speaker 1: to like have this look into her brain and to
Speaker 1: see the pop culture things or the songs that she's
Speaker 1: listening to, even though she's on the literal other side
Speaker 1: of the world. Sending photo dumbs to each other with
Speaker 1: captions instead of doing long paragraphs also a really great
Speaker 1: way to do this as well. This final piece, this
Speaker 1: final thing, is not so much as a tip as
Speaker 1: it is a peace piece of advice, and it really
Speaker 1: hit home for me. Remember that they don't hate you
Speaker 1: just because they are not messaging you as much. I
Speaker 1: think that that is a spectacular reminder. When we are
Speaker 1: already facing a physical distance between us, sometimes there can
Speaker 1: also be an emotional distance. We're not quite sure how
Speaker 1: the other person feels. We're not able to confirm or
Speaker 1: deny based on the fact that we are seeing them
Speaker 1: more or seeing them less, or having the opportunity to
Speaker 1: kind of square things away. So what that means is
Speaker 1: that we can take ambiguous or neutral situations such as
Speaker 1: not hearing from someone for a while, and apply our
Speaker 1: own anxious meaning, apply an irrational, delusional meaning that they
Speaker 1: hate us, they're done with us, they don't want to
Speaker 1: speak to us anymore. Very rarely is that the case,
Speaker 1: and I want you to think about it from your
Speaker 1: own perspective. You've definitely had times of accidentally doing that
Speaker 1: to people as well. Life just gets very very chaotic.
Speaker 1: So the simplest answer is often the correct one. You
Speaker 1: don't need to fill in the blanks with fear and
Speaker 1: with anxiety and with worry. Sometimes it is just the
Speaker 1: fact that people have a lot on their plate and
Speaker 1: they still absolutely one percent love you. This brings me
Speaker 1: to something that's very very important in this discussion, and
Speaker 1: that is the inevitable friendship fallouts or the friendship fizzles
Speaker 1: as I call them, that come from a long distance friendship.
Speaker 1: There will be some, there will be some friendships that
Speaker 1: do not last. You know, there's this very famous study
Speaker 1: by someone called Robin Dunbar, and he looked into how
Speaker 1: many relationships we can have at any given time, and
Speaker 1: essentially what he says is that we are restrained or
Speaker 1: constrained by the networks in our brain that control how
Speaker 1: many important relationships could even be held in our minds.
Speaker 1: So five is how many close friends we can have.
Speaker 1: Fifteen how many good friends. So sometimes someone you don't
Speaker 1: see that often does get bumped, just because the nature
Speaker 1: of your relationship has changed, and just because they've become,
Speaker 1: you know, more of an acquaintance. Someone you don't speak
Speaker 1: to every day, every week, maybe even every month doesn't
Speaker 1: mean it's over. And I really want that to come
Speaker 1: across loud and clear the changing of a relationship is
Speaker 1: not the same as the ending of one. Sometimes distance
Speaker 1: just changes where someone sits in our relationship galaxy. So
Speaker 1: our relationship galaxy is an idea I came up with
Speaker 1: and it's a way of organizing basically where people sit
Speaker 1: in relation to us, and it kind of lets us
Speaker 1: understand what to expect from people and what they can
Speaker 1: expect from us in return. So you have three main
Speaker 1: circles in your galaxy. The the inner circle is your closest, longest,
Speaker 1: strongest relationships, not necessarily longest, but the ones that are
Speaker 1: very very important to you. This may include your siblings,
Speaker 1: your long term partner, your childhood best friend who's going
Speaker 1: to be like the honorary aren't to your children. The
Speaker 1: inner circle is sacred and it is reserved for those
Speaker 1: that you could ask anything from and they would give
Speaker 1: it to you. The second circle is for those of
Speaker 1: those people who you have an ongoing and very close
Speaker 1: relationship with. It just hasn't reached the intimacy of the
Speaker 1: inner circle yet. These are the friends that you see regularly,
Speaker 1: You rely on them for emotional support, you have shared experiences,
Speaker 1: they're your companions. You might not necessarily turn to them
Speaker 1: first in a crisis, but they are really really important
Speaker 1: to you. You love them, They enrich your daily life.
Speaker 1: Then the third circle consists of our more distant relationships.
Speaker 1: This is acquaintances, colleagues, friends that you have grown apart from.
Speaker 1: These people are still an important part of your life,
Speaker 1: just in a more peripheral way, so they contribute to
Speaker 1: your social network. They don't necessarily play a central role.
Speaker 1: And then we have you know, we could add a
Speaker 1: fourth circle here. Sometimes I do, and that's the people
Speaker 1: who are like, I don't want anything to do with you.
Speaker 1: You're a stranger to me. Either you're a stranger who
Speaker 1: I don't know yet, or you're someone who I did
Speaker 1: know who is now a stranger for bad reasons. But
Speaker 1: really we have the three main circles over our lives.
Speaker 1: I do believe that most people will shift between these circles.
Speaker 1: Very few can be in the inner circle, so it's
Speaker 1: quite an exclusive club. But just because they are in
Speaker 1: your inner circle now doesn't mean that they can't one
Speaker 1: day be in your second or third circle and then
Speaker 1: return to your inner circle. Essentially, it's not a problem
Speaker 1: for people to move between the galaxies. It's just that
Speaker 1: it can be painful. The shift from one galaxy to
Speaker 1: another can feel quite universe altering, because it kind of is.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that they have disappeared. Nothing is stopping
Speaker 1: them from making their way back into the inner circle.
Speaker 1: What I really want you to remember, though, is that
Speaker 1: where someone sits in your galaxy should really reflect how
Speaker 1: you feel about them and how you treat them. Now,
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that the third circle of people that
Speaker 1: you treat like shit or that you forget about. It's
Speaker 1: just that your expectations for them are a little bit lower.
Speaker 1: So you know, as maybe a best friend who's now
Speaker 1: become a long distance best friend, as that as time
Speaker 1: goes on, you know, they might not be the first
Speaker 1: person you could call. You might not be able to
Speaker 1: jump on a plane the same way you could jump
Speaker 1: in your car and go and help them out. So
Speaker 1: your expectations for them and your closeness has kind of shifted.
Speaker 1: And I want us to really that that is not
Speaker 1: necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I think that it
Speaker 1: is a way of adjusting what we expect from someone
Speaker 1: how we feel about them, without getting hurt, And it's
Speaker 1: actually a huge sign of respect to look at the
Speaker 1: relationship and say, hey, this isn't the same that it
Speaker 1: once was. That doesn't mean that I need to throw
Speaker 1: the baby out with the bathwater. It doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: it's over. It's just changed. Sometimes though a friendship sadly
Speaker 1: unfortunately can feel beyond saving. Or what's more, I think
Speaker 1: you just don't even care anymore. You don't even care
Speaker 1: enough to try now that apathy. That is a bad sign,
Speaker 1: but it's not uncommon. After months years of doing long
Speaker 1: distance with a friend, you just might not have the
Speaker 1: same depth or knowledge of each other's lives and who
Speaker 1: you really are. At this point in this chapter, you've
Speaker 1: just changed too much while you've been a part to
Speaker 1: continue on. It's just fizzled. You don't need to feel
Speaker 1: like a failure of this is the case. I will
Speaker 1: come out and say this has happened to me. There
Speaker 1: have been people who I have been able to maintain loving,
Speaker 1: stable friendships with for over ten years of not living
Speaker 1: in the same place. And there are others where it
Speaker 1: is just quietly fizzled after only three months because you know,
Speaker 1: we just weren't the same people. There was a mutual
Speaker 1: agreement that we didn't have this space in the time
Speaker 1: to invest that extra effort. Like we said at the
Speaker 1: very beginning of this episode, you know, some fifty percent
Speaker 1: of long distance friendships don't work out, and I truly
Speaker 1: believe that we cannot keep every single friend that we make. Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: sometimes there does have to be that exodus or that
Speaker 1: shedding of relationships that no longer fit into the puzzle
Speaker 1: of your life to make room for new people, especially
Speaker 1: if this has been caused by a mutual lack of effort.
Speaker 1: So in the aftermath of this it can feel really
Speaker 1: difficult because you feel guilty, maybe betrayed, hurt, maybe a
Speaker 1: little bit unsatisfied. Just try not to make yourself or
Speaker 1: the other person a villain. Try and be neutral towards
Speaker 1: the situation, or at least neutral towards what caused the situation.
Speaker 1: No one betrayed anyone, No one is an evil friend
Speaker 1: because of friendship fizzled. It's kind of like the same
Speaker 1: way that we have to accept that death is part
Speaker 1: of life. Friendship breakups are also a part and a
Speaker 1: promised part of this journey and of this decade. So
Speaker 1: just letting the distance take over naturally ending things amicably
Speaker 1: without any fuss. It also leaves the door open for
Speaker 1: them to return when timing and context is better. No anger,
Speaker 1: no bitterness, just a sense of peace with the way
Speaker 1: that the cards were dealt. And who's to say that
Speaker 1: if the distance hadn't occurred, this wouldn't have happened anyway.
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes it's not the distance that always causes
Speaker 1: the friendship to end. Sometimes it's just that you are
Speaker 1: changing as people. Sometimes it's just that you are in
Speaker 1: new errors or new chapters of your life. You have
Speaker 1: different priorities, you have other friends that you no longer
Speaker 1: share mutual friendships with. You see your life differently. You
Speaker 1: have a partner, they don't have a partner. You work
Speaker 1: in different fields when you used to work as colleagues
Speaker 1: in the same kind of profession. So don't always just
Speaker 1: assume that it's because you failed at the long distance thing.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it is the case that this may have just happened.
Speaker 1: The distance just sped things up, And we see this
Speaker 1: in romantic relationships quite a bit. So I just want
Speaker 1: you to rest assured at the just to end of
Speaker 1: this episode. Long distance friendships in your twenties are difficult.
Speaker 1: They are also common. They do require effort, So you
Speaker 1: need to consider is this an investment that I want
Speaker 1: to make. Do I see a long term future with
Speaker 1: this friend? And do I see a future long enough
Speaker 1: that I'm going to be willing to continue to put
Speaker 1: in this effort for a long time to come. That
Speaker 1: is a question you have to ask yourself. I do
Speaker 1: think though, that it is worth it. It is so
Speaker 1: one hundred percent worth it to have people who you
Speaker 1: love and who you care about in different countries, in
Speaker 1: different cities, in different places, because then you have this
Speaker 1: whole beautiful network of people that you get to go
Speaker 1: and visit and that you're excited to see, and you
Speaker 1: know that you get to surprise there's a benefit of
Speaker 1: having a long distance friendship. You get to surprise them sometimes.
Speaker 1: And you know what that is One of the highlights
Speaker 1: of my life is seeing the reactions from my friends
Speaker 1: when you know, you pop up in their city and
Speaker 1: you get this amazing weekend together. So there are many
Speaker 1: many upsides. Another big upside is it's just that you
Speaker 1: get to love them for longer and you get to
Speaker 1: see each other change through this new period of your friendship.
Speaker 1: And I think that that is something that some people
Speaker 1: don't get and it's a real testament to the strength
Speaker 1: and the care and the love that you have for
Speaker 1: each other. So I hope that this episode has helped
Speaker 1: you in this kind of weird universal experience of managing
Speaker 1: distance and friendship into the two worlds kind of combining.
Speaker 1: There are so many ways to keep the spark alive,
Speaker 1: so I hope it has inspired you. Feel free to
Speaker 1: send this to your long distance best friend. Send it
Speaker 1: to them right now. They might need these tips. Maybe
Speaker 1: it's a really great way to get on the same page,
Speaker 1: to reignite something that has kind of felt a little
Speaker 1: bit stale for a while. Whatever it is, I'm sure
Speaker 1: they would love to hear from you. Anyways, make sure
Speaker 1: that you are following us on Spotify. It just means
Speaker 1: that you know when we post new episodes, and we
Speaker 1: have some exciting ones coming out. Feel free to rate
Speaker 1: us to leave a comment you would like, and I
Speaker 1: hope you guys are getting excited. We have twelve days
Speaker 1: of guests coming up very very soon as we ender December.
Speaker 1: I cannot wait to announce who our guests will be
Speaker 1: this year. Until next time, stay safe, stay kind, be
Speaker 1: gentle to yourself, and we will talk very very soon.