1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:03,680 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:07,520 Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 3 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:10,360 Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here. 4 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:15,120 Speaker 1: Back for another episode as we break down the psychology 5 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:17,959 Speaker 1: of our twenties. I want to begin this episode with 6 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,720 Speaker 1: a question, how many friendships do you have with people 7 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:25,959 Speaker 1: who don't live in the same state, same city, even 8 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,680 Speaker 1: the same country. As you quickly do the math, how 9 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:32,479 Speaker 1: many long distance friendships do you have? So the average 10 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,559 Speaker 1: number for people in their twenties is between two to 11 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:39,479 Speaker 1: five people. Two to five of the people we consider 12 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:43,080 Speaker 1: friends are people who we might not see for months 13 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:46,800 Speaker 1: on end, sometimes even years. They are the people that 14 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:50,479 Speaker 1: we stay connected to via text messages and tiktoks and 15 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:54,480 Speaker 1: rushed voice notes on the train, FaceTime calls when we can, 16 00:00:55,040 --> 00:01:00,200 Speaker 1: and it can be really, really difficult to sustain those relationships. 17 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:05,000 Speaker 1: Only about fifty percent of long distance friendships are successful 18 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,959 Speaker 1: in the long term, which, you know what, it's either 19 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,119 Speaker 1: very good odds or very terrifying odds, depending on how 20 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:15,120 Speaker 1: we see it. And despite that, we go into our 21 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:19,199 Speaker 1: long distance friendships with so much optimism and hope because 22 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:21,640 Speaker 1: we really care about these people and you know, what 23 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,960 Speaker 1: else are we meant to do? If we said goodbye 24 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,760 Speaker 1: to every single friendship that was inconvenient, or every single 25 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 1: friendship where distance made it difficult, we would be pretty 26 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 1: lonely people. Because distance, whether it's physical or emotional, is 27 00:01:37,319 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 1: kind of a fact of life. It's a fact of relationships. 28 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:45,120 Speaker 1: There are periods of great closeness and then periods where 29 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:48,840 Speaker 1: the connection kind of wanes. And our twenties are definitely 30 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:52,880 Speaker 1: the decade for learning that lesson in my mind. For 31 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,120 Speaker 1: the first eighteen years of our lives, right, we are 32 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:59,080 Speaker 1: typically never more than I would say, thirty minutes away 33 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,920 Speaker 1: from our friends. We also tend to see each other 34 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:05,360 Speaker 1: probably five days a week at school, and then after 35 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:09,040 Speaker 1: we leave high school, we have that first exodus or 36 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:13,040 Speaker 1: that first shift of navigating long distance friendships when we 37 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,720 Speaker 1: all kind of scatter for college or we stay in 38 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:20,279 Speaker 1: the same place. Then we might make new friends at university, 39 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 1: and often we become even closer with these people we 40 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:26,640 Speaker 1: live with them, we experience many of our first with 41 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,920 Speaker 1: them until we are hit with that second round of 42 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:34,040 Speaker 1: distance post graduation. Right when you know, typically we're often 43 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:40,840 Speaker 1: at our peak closeness with people. The relationships start to disperse. 44 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: I think this is definitely the period where our friendships 45 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,560 Speaker 1: are tested the most and they become less convenient. It's 46 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:49,800 Speaker 1: a bit of a universal experience in my mind, a 47 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,720 Speaker 1: bit of a rite of passage. We move from high 48 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:56,360 Speaker 1: school to university, and then we move for our careers, 49 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 1: and then we move just for fun, and it seems 50 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 1: like everyone, the one we know and love at times, 51 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,960 Speaker 1: is kind of sprawled across the world and we're living 52 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:08,440 Speaker 1: these very distinct, separate lives. Of course, we still have 53 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:10,799 Speaker 1: the friends that have stayed in the same place or 54 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:14,320 Speaker 1: who have moved with us. But for those long distance friendships, 55 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,320 Speaker 1: things do shift, and yet we still really want to 56 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:19,200 Speaker 1: be part of each other's reality. We don't want to 57 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,720 Speaker 1: give up the friendship. So today I want to talk 58 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,359 Speaker 1: about why we don't have to and how we can 59 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:27,600 Speaker 1: make it work. I also really want to explore what 60 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 1: exactly happens to a relationship when we add in distance, 61 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,280 Speaker 1: and how to make sure that those long distance friendships 62 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:40,120 Speaker 1: continue to be fulfilling, they continue to be deep and 63 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,880 Speaker 1: vulnerable and incredible. You know, I have some of my 64 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,800 Speaker 1: own strategies, and I've really come up with a bit 65 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:50,920 Speaker 1: of an essential formula for maintaining long distance friendships. Plus you, 66 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:55,040 Speaker 1: all the listeners were kind enough to provide your own 67 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,440 Speaker 1: tips and tricks that have helped you through the years, 68 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,480 Speaker 1: so I'm excited to hear from some of you. Let 69 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,240 Speaker 1: me just say this episode is coming at a great 70 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:05,800 Speaker 1: time for me. This year, I went through a period 71 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 1: where three of my closest friends all moved overseas in 72 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,200 Speaker 1: pretty quick succession. So it has definitely been a year 73 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:16,040 Speaker 1: of playing a lot of phone tag and just adjusting 74 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,640 Speaker 1: to this new reality with them. I also have a 75 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,600 Speaker 1: lot of really important friends with whom you know I 76 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:24,360 Speaker 1: haven't lived in the same city as for thirteen ten 77 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:28,320 Speaker 1: five years or so, so I was definitely paying pretty 78 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:31,560 Speaker 1: close attention to what you guys had to say, what 79 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,200 Speaker 1: you've learned from your own experiences, and of course the research. 80 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 1: I also want us to leave some space to consider 81 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:42,919 Speaker 1: what happens when long distance friendships aren't working out and 82 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:46,760 Speaker 1: when they become pretty strained. You know, when exactly is 83 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:50,240 Speaker 1: it time to release someone, When is it time to 84 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:54,200 Speaker 1: grieve a friendship that didn't survive the long distance phase. 85 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,760 Speaker 1: We've got to talk about that as well, amongst all 86 00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:00,360 Speaker 1: the other positive optimistic things that we'll cover. With all 87 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,240 Speaker 1: that in mind, there is so much psychology, so much advice, 88 00:05:03,279 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 1: so much evidence to talk about today. So without further ado, 89 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:15,839 Speaker 1: let's get into it. Taking a close relationship and adding 90 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:21,800 Speaker 1: distance can cause a lot of emotional, social, relational changes. 91 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,880 Speaker 1: And the biggest one, the biggest contributor to the difference 92 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:28,760 Speaker 1: that we notice, I think comes down to a lack 93 00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:33,359 Speaker 1: of convenience, a lack of proximity, and a decrease in 94 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:37,479 Speaker 1: shared memories, all of which are very well known crucial 95 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,400 Speaker 1: elements of friendship. I will say, we do know that 96 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:45,200 Speaker 1: these ingredients are really important, but they're especially important when 97 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,720 Speaker 1: a friendship is just getting started and in its infancy. 98 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:52,520 Speaker 1: That is why relationships can still survive long distance when 99 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,640 Speaker 1: they've been around for a while. You know, if we 100 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,040 Speaker 1: didn't have the convenience, proximity and shared memories at the beginning, 101 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,719 Speaker 1: then the relationship are more likely to fail. But normally, 102 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:05,359 Speaker 1: when we decide to be friends and continue a friendship 103 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,480 Speaker 1: with someone who is moving away or when we're moving away, 104 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:14,719 Speaker 1: it's because we've already got this foundation of trust, of familiarity, 105 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:21,080 Speaker 1: of similarity, and of some other essential element, This element 106 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,919 Speaker 1: of knowledge and being seen by the other person that 107 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,200 Speaker 1: makes us feel like to lose them would almost be 108 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,960 Speaker 1: to lose a part of ourselves. So it's really difficult 109 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:34,400 Speaker 1: when a friendship is impacted by distance, but it's not 110 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:39,560 Speaker 1: a death sentence by any means, especially to establish friendships. 111 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,039 Speaker 1: Despite that it does make it harder to connect. When 112 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:47,080 Speaker 1: we are closer, we can just naturally do more things 113 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,120 Speaker 1: with our friends, and we can do more of those 114 00:06:49,279 --> 00:06:54,160 Speaker 1: feller activities, and it's those filler activities that really help 115 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:59,279 Speaker 1: us bond and make shared memories. Shared memories are key 116 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:03,120 Speaker 1: for low long term social bonding. There was a twenty 117 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:06,880 Speaker 1: twenty two study that found that the more autobiographical and 118 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:10,600 Speaker 1: specific memories that we share with others, the closer we 119 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,400 Speaker 1: tend to feel. And what that essentially means is that 120 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,560 Speaker 1: the more moments that our friends are around for and 121 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,680 Speaker 1: the more moments that we can look back on and 122 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 1: see our friend in the background or by our side, 123 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:26,320 Speaker 1: the greater our level of intimacy. It's, you know, really 124 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,720 Speaker 1: wonderful when we do get to see our long distance 125 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 1: best friends for a weekend or at a friend's wedding 126 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,560 Speaker 1: or at a big celebration, and of course We're going 127 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,720 Speaker 1: to take any of the time that we can get 128 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,360 Speaker 1: with them. But in my opinion, the thing that I 129 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:43,040 Speaker 1: really miss the most is the errands. It's running into 130 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,680 Speaker 1: each other on the street. It's like grabbing a quick coffee, 131 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,200 Speaker 1: the you know, want to get a drink text, knowing 132 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,880 Speaker 1: that you can both be ready in ten minutes. It's 133 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:56,960 Speaker 1: that instant gratification of having that person around and knowing 134 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,400 Speaker 1: that they could be at your house, you know, in 135 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:02,920 Speaker 1: a second. I reminisce on this all the time with 136 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,680 Speaker 1: my friend Erin, who I talk about so often on 137 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,880 Speaker 1: the show. When we lived in Camber together, and it's 138 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,920 Speaker 1: been four years now since that was the case, but 139 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:14,040 Speaker 1: when we did live only one hundred meters away from 140 00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:17,400 Speaker 1: each other, my favorite thing to do with her would 141 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,160 Speaker 1: be grocery shopping, and that is something that is so 142 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,320 Speaker 1: boring and plain, but we would walk up and down 143 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,840 Speaker 1: the aisles for hours and hours just chatting, and then 144 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,360 Speaker 1: we would come home and I'd sit on her couch 145 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,600 Speaker 1: while she cleaned. There was no fanfare. It was just 146 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:37,640 Speaker 1: so simple. It was so every day and at the time, 147 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 1: I did, you know, I didn't realize how nostalgic I 148 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:44,200 Speaker 1: would one day be for that opportunity to just have 149 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:48,240 Speaker 1: that everyday closeness with someone, and especially with such a 150 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:51,640 Speaker 1: good friend. There's also something to be said for the 151 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:56,080 Speaker 1: value of in person contact right like, nothing beats it, 152 00:08:56,559 --> 00:09:00,480 Speaker 1: even as we look for online substitutions and solutions. Getting 153 00:09:00,559 --> 00:09:04,120 Speaker 1: to just see your friend and give them a big 154 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:07,080 Speaker 1: hug and just talk to them and hear their laughter 155 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,480 Speaker 1: like as you see it, and responding to the same things, 156 00:09:10,559 --> 00:09:14,880 Speaker 1: experiencing the same things, that's pretty special. And it goes 157 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:19,240 Speaker 1: without saying that a relationship that is defined by solely 158 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: online interactions, it can feel slightly colder, it can feel 159 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:27,200 Speaker 1: a little bit more plain, but that just makes the 160 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:30,440 Speaker 1: time that you do spend together, you know, physically, a 161 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,440 Speaker 1: lot more special. And I like to think about, you know, 162 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,360 Speaker 1: how many people were able to make friendships and who 163 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:42,439 Speaker 1: made relationships that survived for decades doing long distance before technology. 164 00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:44,280 Speaker 1: You know, there were people who would go away for 165 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,880 Speaker 1: years at a time and they'd come back and their 166 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,800 Speaker 1: family would still be there, their friends would still be there. 167 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,120 Speaker 1: We'd pick up like there was old time, like it 168 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,000 Speaker 1: was old times. And during those periods away, you know, 169 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:58,200 Speaker 1: they would there would be limited communication, there would be 170 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,959 Speaker 1: a lot of slow communication. That is something that we're 171 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,120 Speaker 1: actually going to talk about a little bit later on 172 00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:08,960 Speaker 1: why traditional forms of communication like letters and photos and 173 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:12,959 Speaker 1: postcards are very very special for a long distance friendship. 174 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,800 Speaker 1: Not to offer any spoilers, but a lack of convenience, 175 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,920 Speaker 1: a lack of proximity and physical contact that can make 176 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,280 Speaker 1: long distance friendships especially hard in the weeks and the 177 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:26,680 Speaker 1: months and the early days, especially right after a move. 178 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,200 Speaker 1: It can feel kind of awkward almost as you like 179 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:34,280 Speaker 1: adjust to this new chapter of your relationship. And I 180 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:37,440 Speaker 1: really want to make that known. It is going to 181 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,679 Speaker 1: be difficult. It's okay to feel like this is a 182 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:43,520 Speaker 1: little bit weird. It's quite hard to effortlessly slide into 183 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:47,920 Speaker 1: an online relationship, especially one that is across time zones, 184 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,840 Speaker 1: across cities, across countries. And this may sound controversial to some, 185 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,880 Speaker 1: and I totally accept if you don't agree with this, 186 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,520 Speaker 1: but I was talking to my friend about this the 187 00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:00,319 Speaker 1: other day and I came across this point that your 188 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 1: friendships shouldn't automatically improve when you go long distance, and 189 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,360 Speaker 1: the same goes for a romantic relationship as well. Your 190 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,680 Speaker 1: friendship actually should not be at its best when you 191 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 1: are not seeing each other often. I think that immediate 192 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:19,360 Speaker 1: dip and that insecurity that you may feel when the 193 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:23,280 Speaker 1: distance first begins. It's very uncomfortable, but I think it's 194 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,720 Speaker 1: also a sign of how much this friendship means to 195 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:29,400 Speaker 1: you and how much you don't want to lose them. 196 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:31,680 Speaker 1: If it was effortless, if it was like, wow, I 197 00:11:31,679 --> 00:11:34,480 Speaker 1: barely even notice that you're gone, you kind of have 198 00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:38,240 Speaker 1: to consider, like, how close were we really? So it's 199 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:42,400 Speaker 1: actually totally normal to worry about things changing, to worry 200 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,560 Speaker 1: about the friendship not being the same, to worry about 201 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:49,480 Speaker 1: losing them. I think that those fears are actually a 202 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:53,280 Speaker 1: really beautiful indication of a very deep love. Let's also 203 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,080 Speaker 1: talk about something else that it's bound to come up 204 00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:00,280 Speaker 1: in not even the early days, but just in the history, 205 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:03,480 Speaker 1: in the journey of a long distance friendship, and that 206 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,880 Speaker 1: is like the awkwardness around forgetting to talk for a 207 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,840 Speaker 1: little while, and forgetting to call for a few months 208 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:13,400 Speaker 1: and playing phone tag and feeling like the dynamic has changed. 209 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,040 Speaker 1: You talk to each other less because life is just 210 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,400 Speaker 1: busy and it's hard to pick up the phone. I 211 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 1: think the guilt that follows that, the guilt that you 212 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:27,240 Speaker 1: aren't as close anymore. That becomes a real obstacle in 213 00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:32,000 Speaker 1: continuing to be friends with someone. You cannot have guilt 214 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,560 Speaker 1: in a relationship and hope that it survives. And often 215 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,720 Speaker 1: I'll see people who you know are like, well, it's 216 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,360 Speaker 1: just been too long. I just shouldn't message them. It's 217 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,599 Speaker 1: just going to be really, really awkward. That is not 218 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,880 Speaker 1: what we are looking for. We need to be able 219 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,559 Speaker 1: to swallow our pride and just say, you know, I've 220 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:51,600 Speaker 1: got a lot on my plate, let's just get right 221 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:55,520 Speaker 1: back to normal. Let's just return to how we were. 222 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,600 Speaker 1: Because we do begin our long distance friendships with a 223 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,440 Speaker 1: lot of optimism. We want to talk to them every day, 224 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:04,480 Speaker 1: we want to still be involved. But it is difficult, 225 00:13:04,679 --> 00:13:07,480 Speaker 1: especially perhaps when you're the one who has moved away 226 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,240 Speaker 1: and you're kind of swept up into your new life. 227 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,200 Speaker 1: You are facing the pressure to find new friends, to 228 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:17,840 Speaker 1: find your footing. I think that our attachment to our 229 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:21,000 Speaker 1: previous life for a while can naturally just be a 230 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:25,040 Speaker 1: little bit neglected. But the more you avoid calling, talking, 231 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,000 Speaker 1: finding the time for a FaceTime, the harder it's going 232 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,800 Speaker 1: to become. And I'm speaking from experience. You don't have 233 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,319 Speaker 1: to devote an hour. But when you're thinking about your friend, 234 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,960 Speaker 1: when you see something that reminds you of them, those 235 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,559 Speaker 1: are small touch points throughout your day that they are 236 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,440 Speaker 1: important to you, and you should just communicate that to them. 237 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,880 Speaker 1: Call them for ten minutes when you're on the train, 238 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:48,240 Speaker 1: Send them the picture of the thing that reminds them 239 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,840 Speaker 1: of you, of them, you know, anything it is, Send 240 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: them the song that you're listening to when they come 241 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:58,840 Speaker 1: into your mind. Just let them know and find the 242 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:02,680 Speaker 1: convenience that you used to have because of proximity in 243 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:06,640 Speaker 1: this new form. So I'm already skipping ahead into my tips. 244 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,400 Speaker 1: I'm already giving away the secrets. We're not even there yet. 245 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,839 Speaker 1: We're not even in that section. What I really want 246 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:16,200 Speaker 1: to give you before we get into specific things is 247 00:14:16,559 --> 00:14:19,120 Speaker 1: the formula that I have and that I deeply believe 248 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:23,040 Speaker 1: in for managing long distance relationships. And I actually talk 249 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,240 Speaker 1: very extensively about this formula in my book that comes 250 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:29,280 Speaker 1: out in April, But since that's a while away, I'm 251 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,160 Speaker 1: just going to give you the cliff note version now 252 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:35,160 Speaker 1: because it's too valuable not to share. Maintaining a long 253 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:43,280 Speaker 1: term long distance friendship is a combination of effort, patience, opportunity, 254 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:49,000 Speaker 1: and managing expectations. So that's the formula, effort, patience, opportunity, 255 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:52,600 Speaker 1: and managing expectations. If I was smarter about this, I 256 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,640 Speaker 1: would have come up with like a cool little anagram 257 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,840 Speaker 1: word for it. I haven't done that, but you know 258 00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,960 Speaker 1: someone can do that. The only word I can thin 259 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,760 Speaker 1: of his mope, which isn't going to work for this. 260 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:06,000 Speaker 1: But let's go through each of these different elements of 261 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:10,320 Speaker 1: this equation. So effort relationships, they do not just happen 262 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:14,400 Speaker 1: without some form of investment, even if there is distance involved. 263 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,760 Speaker 1: So you have to be intentional and you have to 264 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,320 Speaker 1: really decide, you know, if you're the one moving, if 265 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,880 Speaker 1: someone has moved, do I want this person in my life? 266 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,640 Speaker 1: Because if I do, it is going to be an 267 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,560 Speaker 1: investment and it is going to take time. You have 268 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,120 Speaker 1: to make plans. You have to make each other part 269 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 1: of your routine. You have to do the weekly, monthly 270 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:37,360 Speaker 1: phone calls, the monthly trips, the yearly trips, the long 271 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,720 Speaker 1: voice notes. You know, you have to show up for 272 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:44,040 Speaker 1: your friends by keeping your finger on the pulse of 273 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:47,760 Speaker 1: their lives. I've found the best way to get a 274 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,160 Speaker 1: sense of whether I really know what's happening with one 275 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:53,560 Speaker 1: of my long distance friends. Is to know and be 276 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,440 Speaker 1: aware of the following things. I should know what they're 277 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,160 Speaker 1: looking forward to, I should know what they're struggling with, 278 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,840 Speaker 1: And I should know what they're focused on or interested 279 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,280 Speaker 1: in at the moment, So like, what's something that they're 280 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:09,240 Speaker 1: loving like a TV show? Those three things are really 281 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:12,840 Speaker 1: good indicators as to the health of my long distance friendship. 282 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:17,320 Speaker 1: The second important part of this formula is patience. It 283 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:22,360 Speaker 1: probably should be number one. People aren't always going to 284 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,320 Speaker 1: be who we want them to be. Long Distance friendships 285 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:29,720 Speaker 1: can be frustrating, especially when we are now separate and 286 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:34,560 Speaker 1: dealing with our own complex internal and external lives as well. 287 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:39,000 Speaker 1: But all good, long lasting love involves a very healthy 288 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:43,080 Speaker 1: dose of patience. This is especially true if you have 289 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:46,880 Speaker 1: a friend who is not in the same place, time zone, 290 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,840 Speaker 1: country as you. The golden rule is to show your 291 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:55,760 Speaker 1: friends the grace that you would appreciate in their circumstances. 292 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,760 Speaker 1: And I have definitely been on the receiving end of 293 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,600 Speaker 1: this patience more time than I can count. You know, 294 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:05,800 Speaker 1: it's probably saved quite a few friendships of mine. Was 295 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,399 Speaker 1: my friends really being like yeah, I get that this 296 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:12,840 Speaker 1: is a transitional, transformative period for you. I'll be patient 297 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,440 Speaker 1: and I'll wait until this is a better time. I'll 298 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:18,239 Speaker 1: wait until you come back, as in like until I 299 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,240 Speaker 1: am ready to come back into their lives, not like 300 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:24,399 Speaker 1: come back to where they are geographically wise. So you 301 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:28,320 Speaker 1: really do have to be patient. The next important ingredient 302 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:32,880 Speaker 1: is opportunity. Effort is one thing, and it's a big thing, 303 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:37,800 Speaker 1: but sometimes there are just moments in a friendship that 304 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,480 Speaker 1: happen by coincidence and just take things to the next level. 305 00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:45,640 Speaker 1: You can't always plan or predict what these moments might be, 306 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:48,480 Speaker 1: but you have to be open to the opportunity of 307 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:53,080 Speaker 1: getting a surprise chance to see them, or the opportunity 308 00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:56,280 Speaker 1: to meet each other in the middle, the opportunity to 309 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,680 Speaker 1: have them stay for a weekend, even if it's last 310 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:02,159 Speaker 1: minute to go to the concert, or you know, to 311 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,480 Speaker 1: pick up the phone and call them just when you 312 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:08,720 Speaker 1: feel like it. There are moments when we can reconnect 313 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:12,480 Speaker 1: in very special circumstances, and it's really hard sometimes because 314 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,520 Speaker 1: you're busy, you're tired, you're used to a different life. 315 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:18,119 Speaker 1: Without the minute, there is always going to be a 316 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,439 Speaker 1: million excuses as to why they can't sleep on the 317 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,719 Speaker 1: on your floor and why you can't make that weekend work. 318 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,920 Speaker 1: I'm telling you now, in hindsight, you're going to wish 319 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:31,000 Speaker 1: that you had taken the opportunity and just run with it. 320 00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:33,760 Speaker 1: You're going to wish that you'd made the time. So 321 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,720 Speaker 1: finding and taking advantage of opportunities to see each other 322 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:42,800 Speaker 1: or to reconnect just as valuable as effort. And finally, 323 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:47,480 Speaker 1: this one's quite similar to patients, but maintaining long distance 324 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:52,880 Speaker 1: friendships really requires adjusting your expectations, and that can mean 325 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:57,960 Speaker 1: for communication, but also just adjusting the role that they 326 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,320 Speaker 1: might play in your life, how much you can rely 327 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,040 Speaker 1: on them, how much you can essentially rely on each other. 328 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,520 Speaker 1: This also comes down to boundaries and being really articulate 329 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:11,359 Speaker 1: about what you need from this friendship. If you can't 330 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,720 Speaker 1: call once a week, if that's too much of a 331 00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:17,760 Speaker 1: mental burden for you or you're just so busy, tell 332 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:22,120 Speaker 1: them that. If you prefer voice notes to facetimes, tell 333 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:26,040 Speaker 1: them that, if you prefer Instagram to snapchat, like, whatever 334 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,600 Speaker 1: your communication medium is, make sure that you're clear on 335 00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:34,720 Speaker 1: expectations around how often you're going to communicate, how deep 336 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,840 Speaker 1: that communication is going to be what you can expect 337 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:41,960 Speaker 1: from each other in certain moments. I think people I 338 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,040 Speaker 1: don't think. I know. Actually I'm going to change this statement. 339 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,840 Speaker 1: I know and you know as well. People change over time, 340 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:54,080 Speaker 1: and loving them means letting them do. So they might 341 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,240 Speaker 1: not be the first person that you call with good 342 00:19:56,280 --> 00:20:01,240 Speaker 1: news anymore. But just because the relationship has changed doesn't 343 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:05,080 Speaker 1: mean that it should be discarded. Just because things have 344 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,639 Speaker 1: shifted doesn't mean that you should listen to your first 345 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:13,240 Speaker 1: instinct to panic, to abandon the relationship before you get hurt, 346 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,959 Speaker 1: to move on with your lives. I think instead, it's 347 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:20,600 Speaker 1: important to have a conversation that could really save an 348 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,720 Speaker 1: important friendship to you. So that was my very very 349 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:27,840 Speaker 1: general formula. But I also want to move into some 350 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:32,560 Speaker 1: of the specific creative fun ways that you can keep 351 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,879 Speaker 1: the spark alive in your long distance friendships. Some of 352 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,520 Speaker 1: these are from you guys, from our wonderful listeners, and 353 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,520 Speaker 1: some of them, let me just say a genius, they're 354 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,520 Speaker 1: just wonderful. So we are going to take a quick break, 355 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,800 Speaker 1: but when we return, I want to dive into these 356 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:54,919 Speaker 1: practical tips. When I asked you all over on Instagram, 357 00:20:55,359 --> 00:20:57,600 Speaker 1: what is your best advice or the best thing that 358 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:01,160 Speaker 1: you have been told about maintaining a long distance friendship. 359 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:06,320 Speaker 1: You pulled through like I have never seen before. I 360 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:09,000 Speaker 1: the amount of responses I got, I just feel like 361 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,240 Speaker 1: that is further evidence to me of how universal this 362 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 1: experience is, especially in this decade, and the real challenge 363 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,919 Speaker 1: that comes with navigating relationship with someone despite obstacles. So 364 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,440 Speaker 1: I couldn't even count. I think I received over five 365 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:27,400 Speaker 1: hundred responses. And first things first, because I can't possibly 366 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:31,520 Speaker 1: list them all. The major themes or the general pieces 367 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:35,880 Speaker 1: of advice that came from you guys were to schedule 368 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:39,840 Speaker 1: regular calls, to find easy ways to keep in touch 369 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:44,600 Speaker 1: so that convenient factor plan when you see each other next. 370 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:49,199 Speaker 1: But also be forgiving because life gets busy and you 371 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,439 Speaker 1: know you're living different lives now. Patience keeps coming up, 372 00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:55,119 Speaker 1: both from me both from you guys. It's probably the 373 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:59,000 Speaker 1: most important thing to remember in these relationships. But here 374 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,680 Speaker 1: what the more specific ideas. So this one I heard 375 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,320 Speaker 1: from three people, and I was actually reading it and 376 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,760 Speaker 1: being like, I wonder if these people are friends and 377 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,040 Speaker 1: it's worked for all of them, so they're all sharing 378 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,320 Speaker 1: the idea Because there was only three people who mentioned it, 379 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,440 Speaker 1: and I was like, this is so similar. And the 380 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:20,160 Speaker 1: idea is called waffle Wednesdays. Really cute name to begin, 381 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,919 Speaker 1: but basically the premise is they told me was that 382 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:27,080 Speaker 1: on Wednesday, every person in their group chat or either 383 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,960 Speaker 1: party of a friendship, you have to send a big 384 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,320 Speaker 1: voice note or a big waffle to each other with 385 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:37,159 Speaker 1: everything from the huge life updates to the minor things 386 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:40,280 Speaker 1: the TV show you're watching, the bug that you killed 387 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,920 Speaker 1: in your bathroom, your new favorite workout. Just give them 388 00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:47,240 Speaker 1: a big, deep dive into your life. I really loved 389 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,680 Speaker 1: that they spoke about not just focusing on the big things, 390 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:54,040 Speaker 1: but making sure that you also share the small, mundane 391 00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:57,640 Speaker 1: details as well. I do this with my friends by 392 00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:00,760 Speaker 1: sending them random things I want to buy, or like, 393 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,080 Speaker 1: you know, I'll send them pictures of a haircut or 394 00:23:04,119 --> 00:23:06,240 Speaker 1: different haircuts that I want, and I'll be like, oh, 395 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,560 Speaker 1: you should choose. You keep them engaged. This was also 396 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,800 Speaker 1: a cute idea, and it comes back to that concept 397 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:16,119 Speaker 1: of slow communication or snail mail that we talked about before. 398 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:21,040 Speaker 1: It's sending each other's letters, sending each other hand written 399 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:26,960 Speaker 1: letters with maybe a nice envelope, a nice stamp, just 400 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,840 Speaker 1: so that people feel more special about your communication. It 401 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,120 Speaker 1: might be more rare, but maybe that's like the really 402 00:23:33,119 --> 00:23:36,760 Speaker 1: special part. You're really excited to read their twelve fifteen, 403 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,480 Speaker 1: twenty page note or maybe just the one page letter. 404 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:44,280 Speaker 1: Care Packages are another thing. I do this with my friends. 405 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:46,439 Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm gonna bring up erin again. But 406 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,280 Speaker 1: she is like one of my most significant long distance 407 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:51,880 Speaker 1: friendships and we've been doing it for a while. And 408 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:53,800 Speaker 1: for Christmas this year, I sent her a bunch of 409 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:58,600 Speaker 1: chocolate she lives in Tasmania that she can't get. You know, 410 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,960 Speaker 1: that's only available in the main life end of Australia. 411 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:05,480 Speaker 1: So care packages. Try not to forget Christmas, Birthdays, or 412 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,480 Speaker 1: just send them things when you feel like it. You know, 413 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,240 Speaker 1: it's so exciting to get something in the mail from 414 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:14,120 Speaker 1: someone you love, with heaps of little treats and special things. 415 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:18,800 Speaker 1: It is also a really good reminder, speaking of writing letters, 416 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:23,960 Speaker 1: speaking of gifts, to continue communicating in each other's love 417 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:28,320 Speaker 1: language even when you are miles apart. Obviously, you know 418 00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:32,320 Speaker 1: it's really hard to continue communicating through quality time or 419 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:35,199 Speaker 1: through physical touch, that's the big one. But try and 420 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:38,359 Speaker 1: find ways that you continue to show them love in 421 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 1: the format that they might desire. So for quality time. 422 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,919 Speaker 1: As an example, instead of just facetiming and talking for 423 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:48,520 Speaker 1: twenty minutes, you guys could do activities together, or you 424 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,359 Speaker 1: could do watch parties, or you could do the Word 425 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:55,600 Speaker 1: or the Connections or the Sunday Quiz together as a 426 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,399 Speaker 1: way to like build this quality time that you feel 427 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,199 Speaker 1: like you're spending with each other. So I find that 428 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,960 Speaker 1: really really important. You know, if you're someone who isn't 429 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,720 Speaker 1: the words of affirmation person, you might not want to 430 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:08,680 Speaker 1: jump on a call and be like, oh I miss you, 431 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:11,639 Speaker 1: I miss you, I miss you every week, but you 432 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:15,280 Speaker 1: might really want to receive a really nice gift or 433 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,160 Speaker 1: just to receive a message from someone being like, yeah, 434 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:21,920 Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about you. This one person and I'm 435 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,239 Speaker 1: this one was really really interesting. Only one person sent 436 00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:27,280 Speaker 1: this in and I loved her idea. And what she 437 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,000 Speaker 1: does is that she shares a journal with her friend 438 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:33,919 Speaker 1: love this, so they have this journal they send it 439 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:37,040 Speaker 1: back and forth. I was also like, who's going to 440 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:40,600 Speaker 1: keep this journal when it's done? When it's finished, maybe 441 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,600 Speaker 1: it's something that deserves to be in a museum of 442 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:47,120 Speaker 1: committed friendships, because that is just such a beautiful, beautiful idea, 443 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,439 Speaker 1: and you could like put stickers on it and like 444 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:52,200 Speaker 1: decorate it so every time it comes back to that person, 445 00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:56,440 Speaker 1: it's different. Very Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants vibes. Watch 446 00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:59,400 Speaker 1: that movie the other day. It was gorgeous. It was beautiful. 447 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,160 Speaker 1: If you're actually are in a long distance friendship, watch 448 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:05,600 Speaker 1: that together. It's such a great movie. This was another tip. 449 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:09,320 Speaker 1: Have a close friend's story where you can just share 450 00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:12,440 Speaker 1: whatever you want, like there's no pressure of judgment from 451 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,199 Speaker 1: people you're not close with, or isn't you know a 452 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:20,359 Speaker 1: long distance friend. My friend EJ she does this. She 453 00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,879 Speaker 1: just recently moved to London, and I love her close 454 00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:27,359 Speaker 1: friend's story because firstly, she's just very, very funny, so 455 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:30,440 Speaker 1: it's like always quite hilarious. And yeah, I'm just thinking 456 00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:32,359 Speaker 1: about some of the stuff she posted today and I'm like, yes, 457 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,440 Speaker 1: she's a funny girl. But it's also just really special 458 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,359 Speaker 1: to like have this look into her brain and to 459 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,200 Speaker 1: see the pop culture things or the songs that she's 460 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,320 Speaker 1: listening to, even though she's on the literal other side 461 00:26:44,359 --> 00:26:47,479 Speaker 1: of the world. Sending photo dumbs to each other with 462 00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:51,560 Speaker 1: captions instead of doing long paragraphs also a really great 463 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:56,560 Speaker 1: way to do this as well. This final piece, this 464 00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,520 Speaker 1: final thing, is not so much as a tip as 465 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:01,520 Speaker 1: it is a peace piece of advice, and it really 466 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:05,840 Speaker 1: hit home for me. Remember that they don't hate you 467 00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:09,560 Speaker 1: just because they are not messaging you as much. I 468 00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:13,240 Speaker 1: think that that is a spectacular reminder. When we are 469 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:17,560 Speaker 1: already facing a physical distance between us, sometimes there can 470 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:21,239 Speaker 1: also be an emotional distance. We're not quite sure how 471 00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:25,440 Speaker 1: the other person feels. We're not able to confirm or 472 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:27,919 Speaker 1: deny based on the fact that we are seeing them 473 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:31,240 Speaker 1: more or seeing them less, or having the opportunity to 474 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:34,280 Speaker 1: kind of square things away. So what that means is 475 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:38,280 Speaker 1: that we can take ambiguous or neutral situations such as 476 00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:41,239 Speaker 1: not hearing from someone for a while, and apply our 477 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:46,879 Speaker 1: own anxious meaning, apply an irrational, delusional meaning that they 478 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,520 Speaker 1: hate us, they're done with us, they don't want to 479 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:52,000 Speaker 1: speak to us anymore. Very rarely is that the case, 480 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,159 Speaker 1: and I want you to think about it from your 481 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:57,719 Speaker 1: own perspective. You've definitely had times of accidentally doing that 482 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:01,440 Speaker 1: to people as well. Life just gets very very chaotic. 483 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:05,560 Speaker 1: So the simplest answer is often the correct one. You 484 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,879 Speaker 1: don't need to fill in the blanks with fear and 485 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:11,720 Speaker 1: with anxiety and with worry. Sometimes it is just the 486 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,560 Speaker 1: fact that people have a lot on their plate and 487 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:19,399 Speaker 1: they still absolutely one percent love you. This brings me 488 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:23,359 Speaker 1: to something that's very very important in this discussion, and 489 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:28,200 Speaker 1: that is the inevitable friendship fallouts or the friendship fizzles 490 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:32,120 Speaker 1: as I call them, that come from a long distance friendship. 491 00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:36,720 Speaker 1: There will be some, there will be some friendships that 492 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:41,240 Speaker 1: do not last. You know, there's this very famous study 493 00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:44,800 Speaker 1: by someone called Robin Dunbar, and he looked into how 494 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:48,080 Speaker 1: many relationships we can have at any given time, and 495 00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:51,920 Speaker 1: essentially what he says is that we are restrained or 496 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:56,560 Speaker 1: constrained by the networks in our brain that control how 497 00:28:56,600 --> 00:29:00,000 Speaker 1: many important relationships could even be held in our minds. 498 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,600 Speaker 1: So five is how many close friends we can have. 499 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:08,480 Speaker 1: Fifteen how many good friends. So sometimes someone you don't 500 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:12,520 Speaker 1: see that often does get bumped, just because the nature 501 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:16,800 Speaker 1: of your relationship has changed, and just because they've become, 502 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:19,800 Speaker 1: you know, more of an acquaintance. Someone you don't speak 503 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:23,840 Speaker 1: to every day, every week, maybe even every month doesn't 504 00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:26,800 Speaker 1: mean it's over. And I really want that to come 505 00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:31,800 Speaker 1: across loud and clear the changing of a relationship is 506 00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:35,320 Speaker 1: not the same as the ending of one. Sometimes distance 507 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:39,480 Speaker 1: just changes where someone sits in our relationship galaxy. So 508 00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:42,240 Speaker 1: our relationship galaxy is an idea I came up with 509 00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:45,760 Speaker 1: and it's a way of organizing basically where people sit 510 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:48,800 Speaker 1: in relation to us, and it kind of lets us 511 00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:52,200 Speaker 1: understand what to expect from people and what they can 512 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:56,800 Speaker 1: expect from us in return. So you have three main 513 00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:02,960 Speaker 1: circles in your galaxy. The the inner circle is your closest, longest, 514 00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:07,920 Speaker 1: strongest relationships, not necessarily longest, but the ones that are 515 00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:11,520 Speaker 1: very very important to you. This may include your siblings, 516 00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:15,720 Speaker 1: your long term partner, your childhood best friend who's going 517 00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:19,000 Speaker 1: to be like the honorary aren't to your children. The 518 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:22,960 Speaker 1: inner circle is sacred and it is reserved for those 519 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:26,040 Speaker 1: that you could ask anything from and they would give 520 00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:29,880 Speaker 1: it to you. The second circle is for those of 521 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:33,280 Speaker 1: those people who you have an ongoing and very close 522 00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:37,000 Speaker 1: relationship with. It just hasn't reached the intimacy of the 523 00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:40,160 Speaker 1: inner circle yet. These are the friends that you see regularly, 524 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:44,360 Speaker 1: You rely on them for emotional support, you have shared experiences, 525 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:47,880 Speaker 1: they're your companions. You might not necessarily turn to them 526 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,000 Speaker 1: first in a crisis, but they are really really important 527 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:53,120 Speaker 1: to you. You love them, They enrich your daily life. 528 00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:58,280 Speaker 1: Then the third circle consists of our more distant relationships. 529 00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:03,640 Speaker 1: This is acquaintances, colleagues, friends that you have grown apart from. 530 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,600 Speaker 1: These people are still an important part of your life, 531 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:11,040 Speaker 1: just in a more peripheral way, so they contribute to 532 00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:15,040 Speaker 1: your social network. They don't necessarily play a central role. 533 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,800 Speaker 1: And then we have you know, we could add a 534 00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:20,800 Speaker 1: fourth circle here. Sometimes I do, and that's the people 535 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:22,840 Speaker 1: who are like, I don't want anything to do with you. 536 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:25,200 Speaker 1: You're a stranger to me. Either you're a stranger who 537 00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:27,040 Speaker 1: I don't know yet, or you're someone who I did 538 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:31,120 Speaker 1: know who is now a stranger for bad reasons. But 539 00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:35,320 Speaker 1: really we have the three main circles over our lives. 540 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:39,280 Speaker 1: I do believe that most people will shift between these circles. 541 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:44,200 Speaker 1: Very few can be in the inner circle, so it's 542 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:47,719 Speaker 1: quite an exclusive club. But just because they are in 543 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:51,040 Speaker 1: your inner circle now doesn't mean that they can't one 544 00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:53,960 Speaker 1: day be in your second or third circle and then 545 00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:58,840 Speaker 1: return to your inner circle. Essentially, it's not a problem 546 00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:02,720 Speaker 1: for people to move between the galaxies. It's just that 547 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,680 Speaker 1: it can be painful. The shift from one galaxy to 548 00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:10,760 Speaker 1: another can feel quite universe altering, because it kind of is. 549 00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:15,280 Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that they have disappeared. Nothing is stopping 550 00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:17,760 Speaker 1: them from making their way back into the inner circle. 551 00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:20,640 Speaker 1: What I really want you to remember, though, is that 552 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:25,640 Speaker 1: where someone sits in your galaxy should really reflect how 553 00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:28,120 Speaker 1: you feel about them and how you treat them. Now, 554 00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:30,280 Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that the third circle of people that 555 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:33,240 Speaker 1: you treat like shit or that you forget about. It's 556 00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,680 Speaker 1: just that your expectations for them are a little bit lower. 557 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:40,560 Speaker 1: So you know, as maybe a best friend who's now 558 00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:43,760 Speaker 1: become a long distance best friend, as that as time 559 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:46,440 Speaker 1: goes on, you know, they might not be the first 560 00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:49,120 Speaker 1: person you could call. You might not be able to 561 00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:51,080 Speaker 1: jump on a plane the same way you could jump 562 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:53,640 Speaker 1: in your car and go and help them out. So 563 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:58,520 Speaker 1: your expectations for them and your closeness has kind of shifted. 564 00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:00,840 Speaker 1: And I want us to really that that is not 565 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:04,360 Speaker 1: necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I think that it 566 00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:07,760 Speaker 1: is a way of adjusting what we expect from someone 567 00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:11,080 Speaker 1: how we feel about them, without getting hurt, And it's 568 00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:14,200 Speaker 1: actually a huge sign of respect to look at the 569 00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:17,520 Speaker 1: relationship and say, hey, this isn't the same that it 570 00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:20,920 Speaker 1: once was. That doesn't mean that I need to throw 571 00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:23,760 Speaker 1: the baby out with the bathwater. It doesn't mean that 572 00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:29,080 Speaker 1: it's over. It's just changed. Sometimes though a friendship sadly 573 00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:35,920 Speaker 1: unfortunately can feel beyond saving. Or what's more, I think 574 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,920 Speaker 1: you just don't even care anymore. You don't even care 575 00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:44,360 Speaker 1: enough to try now that apathy. That is a bad sign, 576 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:50,840 Speaker 1: but it's not uncommon. After months years of doing long 577 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:54,480 Speaker 1: distance with a friend, you just might not have the 578 00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:58,560 Speaker 1: same depth or knowledge of each other's lives and who 579 00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:01,280 Speaker 1: you really are. At this point in this chapter, you've 580 00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:05,280 Speaker 1: just changed too much while you've been a part to 581 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:08,400 Speaker 1: continue on. It's just fizzled. You don't need to feel 582 00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:10,840 Speaker 1: like a failure of this is the case. I will 583 00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:13,239 Speaker 1: come out and say this has happened to me. There 584 00:34:13,239 --> 00:34:16,920 Speaker 1: have been people who I have been able to maintain loving, 585 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:20,240 Speaker 1: stable friendships with for over ten years of not living 586 00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:22,920 Speaker 1: in the same place. And there are others where it 587 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:27,120 Speaker 1: is just quietly fizzled after only three months because you know, 588 00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:29,800 Speaker 1: we just weren't the same people. There was a mutual 589 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:32,160 Speaker 1: agreement that we didn't have this space in the time 590 00:34:32,719 --> 00:34:36,000 Speaker 1: to invest that extra effort. Like we said at the 591 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:40,480 Speaker 1: very beginning of this episode, you know, some fifty percent 592 00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:44,320 Speaker 1: of long distance friendships don't work out, and I truly 593 00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:49,160 Speaker 1: believe that we cannot keep every single friend that we make. Unfortunately, 594 00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:52,600 Speaker 1: sometimes there does have to be that exodus or that 595 00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:56,440 Speaker 1: shedding of relationships that no longer fit into the puzzle 596 00:34:56,480 --> 00:35:00,800 Speaker 1: of your life to make room for new people, especially 597 00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:04,600 Speaker 1: if this has been caused by a mutual lack of effort. 598 00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:07,600 Speaker 1: So in the aftermath of this it can feel really 599 00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:12,600 Speaker 1: difficult because you feel guilty, maybe betrayed, hurt, maybe a 600 00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:17,800 Speaker 1: little bit unsatisfied. Just try not to make yourself or 601 00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:22,920 Speaker 1: the other person a villain. Try and be neutral towards 602 00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:27,680 Speaker 1: the situation, or at least neutral towards what caused the situation. 603 00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:32,040 Speaker 1: No one betrayed anyone, No one is an evil friend 604 00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:35,160 Speaker 1: because of friendship fizzled. It's kind of like the same 605 00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:37,279 Speaker 1: way that we have to accept that death is part 606 00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:40,600 Speaker 1: of life. Friendship breakups are also a part and a 607 00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:44,880 Speaker 1: promised part of this journey and of this decade. So 608 00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:50,880 Speaker 1: just letting the distance take over naturally ending things amicably 609 00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:54,520 Speaker 1: without any fuss. It also leaves the door open for 610 00:35:54,600 --> 00:36:00,600 Speaker 1: them to return when timing and context is better. No anger, 611 00:36:00,719 --> 00:36:04,319 Speaker 1: no bitterness, just a sense of peace with the way 612 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:07,080 Speaker 1: that the cards were dealt. And who's to say that 613 00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:11,320 Speaker 1: if the distance hadn't occurred, this wouldn't have happened anyway. 614 00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:14,640 Speaker 1: You know, sometimes it's not the distance that always causes 615 00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:18,640 Speaker 1: the friendship to end. Sometimes it's just that you are 616 00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:22,360 Speaker 1: changing as people. Sometimes it's just that you are in 617 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:25,879 Speaker 1: new errors or new chapters of your life. You have 618 00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:30,480 Speaker 1: different priorities, you have other friends that you no longer 619 00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:34,279 Speaker 1: share mutual friendships with. You see your life differently. You 620 00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,759 Speaker 1: have a partner, they don't have a partner. You work 621 00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:39,719 Speaker 1: in different fields when you used to work as colleagues 622 00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:43,400 Speaker 1: in the same kind of profession. So don't always just 623 00:36:43,480 --> 00:36:46,040 Speaker 1: assume that it's because you failed at the long distance thing. 624 00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:48,880 Speaker 1: Sometimes it is the case that this may have just happened. 625 00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:52,279 Speaker 1: The distance just sped things up, And we see this 626 00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:56,600 Speaker 1: in romantic relationships quite a bit. So I just want 627 00:36:56,640 --> 00:36:59,400 Speaker 1: you to rest assured at the just to end of 628 00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:03,560 Speaker 1: this episode. Long distance friendships in your twenties are difficult. 629 00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:07,040 Speaker 1: They are also common. They do require effort, So you 630 00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:09,719 Speaker 1: need to consider is this an investment that I want 631 00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:12,680 Speaker 1: to make. Do I see a long term future with 632 00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:16,120 Speaker 1: this friend? And do I see a future long enough 633 00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:19,040 Speaker 1: that I'm going to be willing to continue to put 634 00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:21,680 Speaker 1: in this effort for a long time to come. That 635 00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:24,120 Speaker 1: is a question you have to ask yourself. I do 636 00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:26,239 Speaker 1: think though, that it is worth it. It is so 637 00:37:26,440 --> 00:37:29,520 Speaker 1: one hundred percent worth it to have people who you 638 00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:32,239 Speaker 1: love and who you care about in different countries, in 639 00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:35,719 Speaker 1: different cities, in different places, because then you have this 640 00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:37,920 Speaker 1: whole beautiful network of people that you get to go 641 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:40,360 Speaker 1: and visit and that you're excited to see, and you 642 00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:43,040 Speaker 1: know that you get to surprise there's a benefit of 643 00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:46,759 Speaker 1: having a long distance friendship. You get to surprise them sometimes. 644 00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:49,480 Speaker 1: And you know what that is One of the highlights 645 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,000 Speaker 1: of my life is seeing the reactions from my friends 646 00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:54,160 Speaker 1: when you know, you pop up in their city and 647 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:57,560 Speaker 1: you get this amazing weekend together. So there are many 648 00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:00,440 Speaker 1: many upsides. Another big upside is it's just that you 649 00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:02,600 Speaker 1: get to love them for longer and you get to 650 00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:06,360 Speaker 1: see each other change through this new period of your friendship. 651 00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:09,080 Speaker 1: And I think that that is something that some people 652 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:12,040 Speaker 1: don't get and it's a real testament to the strength 653 00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:13,719 Speaker 1: and the care and the love that you have for 654 00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:17,520 Speaker 1: each other. So I hope that this episode has helped 655 00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:23,239 Speaker 1: you in this kind of weird universal experience of managing 656 00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:27,880 Speaker 1: distance and friendship into the two worlds kind of combining. 657 00:38:28,040 --> 00:38:30,800 Speaker 1: There are so many ways to keep the spark alive, 658 00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:33,560 Speaker 1: so I hope it has inspired you. Feel free to 659 00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:36,640 Speaker 1: send this to your long distance best friend. Send it 660 00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:39,120 Speaker 1: to them right now. They might need these tips. Maybe 661 00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:41,240 Speaker 1: it's a really great way to get on the same page, 662 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:44,720 Speaker 1: to reignite something that has kind of felt a little 663 00:38:44,719 --> 00:38:47,239 Speaker 1: bit stale for a while. Whatever it is, I'm sure 664 00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:49,799 Speaker 1: they would love to hear from you. Anyways, make sure 665 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:53,480 Speaker 1: that you are following us on Spotify. It just means 666 00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:55,279 Speaker 1: that you know when we post new episodes, and we 667 00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:58,640 Speaker 1: have some exciting ones coming out. Feel free to rate 668 00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:02,239 Speaker 1: us to leave a comment you would like, and I 669 00:39:02,239 --> 00:39:05,080 Speaker 1: hope you guys are getting excited. We have twelve days 670 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:07,920 Speaker 1: of guests coming up very very soon as we ender December. 671 00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:11,120 Speaker 1: I cannot wait to announce who our guests will be 672 00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:15,880 Speaker 1: this year. Until next time, stay safe, stay kind, be 673 00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:19,080 Speaker 1: gentle to yourself, and we will talk very very soon.