Speaker 1: Oh, roberguny podcast. This is Ron Burgundy and you are
Speaker 1: listening to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Today's topic is a
Speaker 1: lightning rod for so many people, and I have wanted
Speaker 1: to have a discussion on it for years, so I'm
Speaker 1: very excited. Today we will have an enlightening and spirited
Speaker 1: debate on the subject of guys in the military. But
Speaker 1: before we dive in, I want to alert our audience
Speaker 1: to a technical situation we are dealing with today. For
Speaker 1: the past few weeks or so, the podcast studio has
Speaker 1: been under construction. In fact, it has been turned into
Speaker 1: a crime scene. While repairing, some insulation workers discovered a
Speaker 1: human skull inside one of the walls. And as I
Speaker 1: know from experience, any time you discover human remains, you
Speaker 1: must call the authorities, no exceptions. No matter how tempted
Speaker 1: you may be to collect human bones, whether they be
Speaker 1: found in an antique trunk or storage unit, tour out
Speaker 1: on a hike, you have to call the police or
Speaker 1: at least the rangers station. Do not, under any circumstances
Speaker 1: hold on to a skull that you've found because you
Speaker 1: think you would make a cool paper weight in your study.
Speaker 1: I mean, think about it, that was someone's head for
Speaker 1: Cripe's sake. Anyway, since the studio has been closed, we
Speaker 1: have been recording the podcast from my living room, which
Speaker 1: has been fine outside the fact that the crew eats
Speaker 1: every thing in my fridge and never, I repeat never
Speaker 1: flushes the damn toilet. It's disgusting. Well, today we are
Speaker 1: having to record this show for my garage because my
Speaker 1: living room flooded last night. Ah yes, I forgot to
Speaker 1: turn off the bathtub again. So I just want to
Speaker 1: alert you the listener that we have a location change. However,
Speaker 1: this will not affect the quality of the broadcast in
Speaker 1: any way. Thank you for indulging me with that extensive explanation,
Speaker 1: But I I feel I owe it to you to
Speaker 1: display the utmost integrity about every facet of the broadcast run.
Speaker 1: Why are you whispering? Well, I'm not whispering. I'm using
Speaker 1: what's referred to in the theater as a stage whisper.
Speaker 1: It is a more projected whisper. Whatever. Why are you
Speaker 1: doing it? We're why are you stage whispering? I'm just
Speaker 1: trying to protect my my vocal cords since they are
Speaker 1: they're currently inflamed. Yes, yes, I haven't flamed vocal cords.
Speaker 1: You haven't flamed vocal cords. Yes, I haven't flamed vocal cords.
Speaker 1: They are they are fully inflamed. I had had too
Speaker 1: much verde sauce on my carnitas burrito last night and
Speaker 1: it burned my my vocal cords, and it gave me
Speaker 1: laryen genitus. Okay, I don't believe you wrong. We spoke
Speaker 1: this morning and your voice was fine. No, trust me,
Speaker 1: it's bad laryn genitus. I think your voice is fine.
Speaker 1: M m hm. Oh okay, fine, you got me, You
Speaker 1: got me. No, I don't. I don't have laryon jenitis. Um. Okay. Well,
Speaker 1: the reason why I was whispering is because my garage
Speaker 1: where we are broadcasting from right now is haunted. My
Speaker 1: garage is haunted, and I was whispering because I'm afraid
Speaker 1: of waking ghosts. There, I said it, what a relief
Speaker 1: is really haunted? Absolutely haunted. I have I have seen
Speaker 1: things that will make your head spin. And why we
Speaker 1: had to do today's show at midnight is beyond me. Well,
Speaker 1: we moved the show till later because you said you
Speaker 1: couldn't sleep last night and didn't get up until three pm.
Speaker 1: I didn't sleep because I was worried, sick about the
Speaker 1: fact that we were going to record the show in
Speaker 1: my haunted garage. Why didn't you just say you didn't
Speaker 1: want to record in the garage because no one would
Speaker 1: believe me if I told them that the garage was haunted. Okay,
Speaker 1: well you could have just left that out and said
Speaker 1: the garage was too messy or something. Hold on, hold
Speaker 1: on one second garroline. Right, of course, on my street,
Speaker 1: my trash removal is midnight. I really can't think of
Speaker 1: a worse place or time to We've lobbied the city
Speaker 1: and I don't know how many petitions we've put in
Speaker 1: front of their fat faces. They won't listen to the taxpayer.
Speaker 1: So many trash cans on it's just cruel to the garbage.
Speaker 1: And of course our street we still have old metal
Speaker 1: trash cans. We don't have the plastic one, so they
Speaker 1: make That's why it's so. It's making so much noise.
Speaker 1: It's so much and the diesel smell it comes right
Speaker 1: through that door. I'm just gonna breathe. Yeah, okay, Nick,
Speaker 1: are we good now? Are you still hearing the trash? Uh? No,
Speaker 1: I think we're anything and we would have recorded somewhere else.
Speaker 1: I wasn't thinking. Let's just do the show and I'm
Speaker 1: sure it'll be fine. Okay, fine, Yeah, as long as
Speaker 1: the ice jackal doesn't show, we'll be fine. Never mind, okay,
Speaker 1: all right. When we think of the military, there is
Speaker 1: one issue that I feel is a non issue. You
Speaker 1: guessed it. I'm talking guys in the military. Why it
Speaker 1: comes up year after year is exhausted. Pay no attention, Caroline,
Speaker 1: Let's just keep doing the show. You didn't hear that
Speaker 1: I'm going to spank your fanny and make your girlfriend watch.
Speaker 1: You will do no such thing. You leave us alone.
Speaker 1: Did you not hear that I'm not hearing anything? Is
Speaker 1: Are you hearing a ghost? Yes? And frankly, it's chilling.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you can't hear what the spirit is saying.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. All we can do is continue um
Speaker 1: as I was saying. The military is one of are
Speaker 1: more evolved institution. And when it comes to race and
Speaker 1: gender accord, my baby, the military is working for the
Speaker 1: first baby with putting women in combat rules. My baby. No,
Speaker 1: I'm not my baby. I am not what's going on?
Speaker 1: Yes you are, you're my baby. I am not your baby. Stop.
Speaker 1: It is the ghost saying that you're its baby. Yes,
Speaker 1: and it's chilling. I'm going to put a diaper on
Speaker 1: you and you're in a suck on my nipple. No,
Speaker 1: I won't long. I won't do it, especially not all
Speaker 1: night long. I'm going to push you around in a
Speaker 1: stroller and everyone's going to compliment you on how big
Speaker 1: and plump you are. No, I won't cooperate. I won't
Speaker 1: ride in a stroller. Okay. Is the ghost going to
Speaker 1: push you around a stroller? Now? Yes, but I won't
Speaker 1: do it. You're my baby boy. I'm going to take
Speaker 1: you on a slide, and you're going to go we never.
Speaker 1: I won't enjoy the slide. Run. If we just ignore it,
Speaker 1: maybe it'll just go away. Caroline, you have no idea.
Speaker 1: He's telling me that he's going to push me around
Speaker 1: in a stroller and then I guess take me to
Speaker 1: a park because he's going to he's going to take
Speaker 1: me on a slide. Well, these all sound like really
Speaker 1: nice things to do, and I'm gonna go we Maybe
Speaker 1: that's a fun activity. But I'm not a baby. Well,
Speaker 1: of course not. But I mean, I don't know. Chill
Speaker 1: is it wants to put me on a slide and
Speaker 1: let me Is that the worst thing that could happen.
Speaker 1: It's not like he's trying to kill you or anything.
Speaker 1: Maybe he just wants to have a fun day at
Speaker 1: the park. That keeps asking me if I'm his baby
Speaker 1: over and over again. It's hard. I mean, I've never
Speaker 1: dealt with a situation like this before. And you can't
Speaker 1: hear him honestly, No, I need the creepiest high pitch voice.
Speaker 1: Why did we do this at midnight? Well? I wish
Speaker 1: you had woken up earlier than three pm, I know,
Speaker 1: because I couldn't. I didn't get enough sleep. I slept
Speaker 1: until three. We just shouldn't have done it today. It's
Speaker 1: also just shag carpet and mostly pictures of you and
Speaker 1: my laverning Shirley pinball machine corner, Yeah, which is priceless.
Speaker 1: It's intense. Everyone in the crew keeps asking me how
Speaker 1: much I want for it. I'm like, there's no price.
Speaker 1: You can't name a price. They don't make those things anymore. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Penny Marshall and the other lady. Yeah, alright, so if
Speaker 1: we just ignore it, it don't just go away. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just sort of like ignoring a bully at cool you
Speaker 1: know sticks and stones? All right, let's ignore it. Are
Speaker 1: you my baby? Why do you keep asking me if
Speaker 1: i'm your bay be? Do you like trucks? Of course
Speaker 1: I like trucks. Does baby like trucks? I like trucks.
Speaker 1: But I'm not your baby. No, baby did not go
Speaker 1: poo poo? So you are my baby? Stop it? Do
Speaker 1: I need to change your pants in public? You will
Speaker 1: not change my pants in public. I'm so proud of you, baby,
Speaker 1: I'm not your baby. What does baby want to be
Speaker 1: when he grows up? Baby wants to be a fireman?
Speaker 1: Won't you say that you're my baby? No? Just say
Speaker 1: that you're my baby, and I promise I won't send
Speaker 1: the ice jackle. Please don't send the ice jackal. Is
Speaker 1: he sending an ice jackole? Not if he says that
Speaker 1: he's my baby, just say her on. Wait wait, you
Speaker 1: can hear the ghosts now. I honestly could hear it
Speaker 1: the whole time. I just wanted to see how it
Speaker 1: would play out. Here comes the ice jam No, no, no, no, okay, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: I'm your baby. There I said it. I knew you're
Speaker 1: my baby. No, no, the ice JACKO. Look over there
Speaker 1: by my Laverne and Shirley bit ball machine. You said
Speaker 1: you wouldn't send him run the guys, JACKO step and nothing.
Speaker 1: There's no talis but to defeat this green jack. Don't
Speaker 1: look into his eyes. The ice jackle everyone out. Never
Speaker 1: went out quick. Let's take a break. Now, let's take
Speaker 1: a break out, take a break. Hey guys, Um, we're
Speaker 1: back for the Ron Burgundy podcast. It's just me and
Speaker 1: um Nick and Miles of the crew. Ron ran out
Speaker 1: of the room, so we're just looking through um the
Speaker 1: house for him. Right now, we're in his reck room.
Speaker 1: Of just to describe, it's a poster of ferret faucet
Speaker 1: and ryal ties on the wall. It's Harry Games set up,
Speaker 1: mostly a lot of animal hides. Um, some knives thrown
Speaker 1: into the wall. Uh. Sign that says no girls allowed,
Speaker 1: which is really mature. Um yeah, Maxim top one list
Speaker 1: ripped out with X's next some names. Ron. I just
Speaker 1: this is a really unprofessional episode, and I apologize for that. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's go to this bedroom. This is a place I
Speaker 1: promised my therapist I would never go. Um Hi backster Um. Okay,
Speaker 1: we're looking at a four poster bed mostly fors some
Speaker 1: erotic Japanese art on the wall, a mirror on the ceiling.
Speaker 1: Um inexplicably, there's a leather horse saddle on the floor
Speaker 1: of his room. Let's just walk past that. We don't
Speaker 1: really need to investigate. Um ron, m is that backster ron?
Speaker 1: So okay, I think we got him. Run Hey, buddy
Speaker 1: hates everyone? Ah, just you look pretty in it right now? Yes,
Speaker 1: your house is beautiful. Did you did you captured in
Speaker 1: the with the golden net of invincibility? Yes? Thank god
Speaker 1: I kept that. Oh, we'll have to h We'll have
Speaker 1: to have some of the guys run down to the
Speaker 1: market and buy a couple of pounds of garlic. We'll
Speaker 1: have to boil that to the sunrise. Is fill be
Speaker 1: our only protective tellisman, Okay, we can do that. We can.
Speaker 1: We'll send up. Sorry, I'm in my underwear. That's okay.
Speaker 1: Well this has happened, and this happens to many people.
Speaker 1: Maybe we just get dressed. I'm gonna pull some clothes.
Speaker 1: Oh no, we have we have some the whole cruise here. Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, okay, um, you know what, let's just go. Um,
Speaker 1: let's leave him he's taking a shower now, so let's
Speaker 1: go to the bedroom to record the rest of the episode.
Speaker 1: Let's just take another break and welcome back to the
Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy Podcast. To those of you that are still
Speaker 1: listening and haven't completely turn this off because it was
Speaker 1: so frightening. This is This is Ron Burgundy, and approximately
Speaker 1: one hour ago, myself, Carolina, and our crew barely escaped
Speaker 1: from my garage to the guest room in our haste
Speaker 1: to save ourselves from the ice jackal. I received a
Speaker 1: gash above my right eye, but that is nothing compared
Speaker 1: to what could have happened if we had stayed in
Speaker 1: that forsaken room. I mean, we just walked out of
Speaker 1: the room. You're the one who ran to the side
Speaker 1: of the door. You people foolishly strolled out of the room.
Speaker 1: We had equipment and stuff. Well, don't worry, because we
Speaker 1: don't have to worry about that room ever again. Tomorrow morning,
Speaker 1: I will commence having my garage permanently sealed off from
Speaker 1: the outside world. I will have its cemented end, because
Speaker 1: no one should have to live through that again. You're
Speaker 1: just going to fill the garage of fillingful of cement,
Speaker 1: So no one, no one, can go in there again
Speaker 1: and experience that awful, awful demon. It'll be I don't
Speaker 1: know how long before I will be rid of the
Speaker 1: images of that crazy jackal caked in blood and ice.
Speaker 1: Yet some of us will be burdened for a lifetime.
Speaker 1: I mean not some of us. I never saw it
Speaker 1: or heard it. No one saw anything. No, it was
Speaker 1: just a weird girl. But you felt it. No, you
Speaker 1: felt a cool presence. No, it's actually warm in there,
Speaker 1: because there's no it was an eight foot ice jackal. Okay, Ron,
Speaker 1: I mean, no one saw anything. Denial is a much
Speaker 1: easier path to take when you've witness something beyond recognition,
Speaker 1: something your soul will never process. All right, Well, maybe
Speaker 1: let's go to the fact check. Eight foot ice jackal.
Speaker 1: Maybe no one saw it. We can't really address that
Speaker 1: in the fact check, but um, okay, So for our
Speaker 1: fact check today, we did pretty well. Um, you had
Speaker 1: you had laryngitis, by the way, under the circumstances, I
Speaker 1: don't see why you're putting me through a fact check.
Speaker 1: I just like to keep the podcast on track as
Speaker 1: we can. There's been still shaking. Legal is really on us,
Speaker 1: all right, Um, laryngitis, you said, we had laryen laryng genitis.
Speaker 1: It's laryngitis, which you didn't have, which we talked about. No,
Speaker 1: I didn't have it right, But when you do, you'll
Speaker 1: know it's laryngitis if you do. I'm pretty sure there
Speaker 1: is another condition called laryng genitis, though, and that may
Speaker 1: be more of a like a psiriasis. Okay, I don't
Speaker 1: think the psoriasis of the vocal cords laryng genitius. I
Speaker 1: don't even know what that would look like. But no,
Speaker 1: you'd have to do a probe inside your throat. I
Speaker 1: don't okay to do that. A jackal is usually from
Speaker 1: a dry climate. Well, I know what I saw. It
Speaker 1: was a jackal. It was an ice jackal. It was
Speaker 1: caked in ice and blood. And it wasn't a bobcat.
Speaker 1: It wasn't a big game cat, wasn't a bear, it
Speaker 1: wasn't a hyaena. It was a jackal. Um. Cindy Williams
Speaker 1: is the other is surely correct. She's wonderful. She was
Speaker 1: my favorite. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you have that pinball machine.
Speaker 1: How much did that run you? Well? I bought it retail. Okay,
Speaker 1: good to know. I hope you'd get that out of
Speaker 1: the garage. Well, it's gonna be sealed off, so that'll
Speaker 1: be that will be just a tomb I'm sealing my
Speaker 1: car in there as well. You should just take all this.
Speaker 1: I don't want to go back in there. I'll give
Speaker 1: you the keys. Would you mind backing it out? No problem,
Speaker 1: thank you. Oh and then you wanted to keep our
Speaker 1: subject today was supposed to be guys, guys in the military,
Speaker 1: in the military, which is once it's kind of a
Speaker 1: stupefying why it'sn't even an issue. I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: guys have been in the military since the beginning, and
Speaker 1: why people get so up in arms? Did you is
Speaker 1: this the type of was this supposed to be gays
Speaker 1: in the military? Yeah, that's the confusion. Okay, in the
Speaker 1: military for a really long time. Yes, And that's why
Speaker 1: I was just like, okay, well I'm happy to talk
Speaker 1: about it, you know me, I want to tackle you
Speaker 1: hard hitting topics. Yeah, you've always been I don't shy
Speaker 1: away from any of that stuff. And okay, so gays
Speaker 1: in the middle, bays in the military, maybe for another
Speaker 1: episode maybe. Well, Yeah, we're a little emotionally depleted over
Speaker 1: here for now because guys in the military no big deal. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they're already in the military, but gays in the military
Speaker 1: is still a big issue. Well yeah, I mean don't ask,
Speaker 1: don't tell. That was repealed by the Obama administration, so
Speaker 1: now you can say it. Yeah, great, Is this in
Speaker 1: dated topic a little bit? It sounds like it's a
Speaker 1: dated topic. We should take let's take that off the
Speaker 1: big dry erase board. Okay, and maybe the episode where
Speaker 1: you encourage women to vote for the first time, that
Speaker 1: can go off too, because we've had that, right, because
Speaker 1: we've had okay, yeah, no, I know that. Okay, great,
Speaker 1: of course I know that. Yeah, no modern human being.
Speaker 1: Here are my final thoughts. Whether you've seen a ghost
Speaker 1: or I had to admit to a ghost that you
Speaker 1: are the ghost. Baby, There's only one thing that matters
Speaker 1: in life, and that's that no one is going to
Speaker 1: stop to wipe your act. You're just going to have
Speaker 1: to wipe your own with a smile. This is Ron
Speaker 1: Burgundy saying, no one, and I repeat no one puts
Speaker 1: ice Jackal in the corner. Thank you for listening. I'm
Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy, Ron Burgundy Podcast. Someone must have seen that.
Speaker 1: Stay tuned for scenes from the next episode of the
Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy Podcast. On the Next Ron Burgundy Podcast, the
Speaker 1: note you're handing me says, today's topic is poetry. No no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope,
Speaker 1: nope nope. This is actually exciting. You got Mr Peter Dinklage. Yes,
Speaker 1: he's showing some personal poetry actually, So okay, Ron, let's
Speaker 1: just leave, let's hear the rest of the poem, and
Speaker 1: let's just leave the sound machine a sound machine. Okay, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I thought with the hello, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, you
Speaker 1: know what, I just imagine what the poetry of it all,
Speaker 1: it was more NPR than yeah, no exactly, you know anything.
Speaker 1: That was the vibe that we're going to go for today.
Speaker 1: So I think we're just gonna unplug the machine for
Speaker 1: a second. It's totally unplugged. I've taken it off, put it,
Speaker 1: put it away. The wild be reels from bow to
Speaker 1: bow with his furry coat and his goody wing, now
Speaker 1: in the lily cup and now betting it's just sin Carolina.
Speaker 1: I am not gonna say I told you so, but
Speaker 1: this poetry episode was never Gonna work out. The Ron
Speaker 1: Burgundy Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio podcast
Speaker 1: Network and Funnier Die. I'm Ron Burgundy. I'm the host,
Speaker 1: writer and executive producer. Carolina Barlow is my co host,
Speaker 1: writer and producer. The show was also produced by Whitney Hodeck,
Speaker 1: Jack O'Brien, Miles Gray, and Nick step Our executive producer
Speaker 1: is Mike Farren. Our consulting producer is Andrew Steve. Our
Speaker 1: associate producer is Anna Hosnier. Our writer is Jake Fogos.
Speaker 1: Our production supervisor is Colin McDougall. This episode was engineered, mixed,
Speaker 1: and edited by Nick Stump. See you next Thursday on
Speaker 1: The Ron Burgundy Podcast