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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat

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Speaker 1: I am the host. If you are new, welcome. Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks is the special episode of You Need Therapy Podcasts

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Speaker 1: where I answer questions that you guys send in to

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Speaker 1: me and you can send those to me at Katherine

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Speaker 1: at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. And before we

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Speaker 1: get started, I like to remind everybody every week that

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Speaker 1: although this is a podcast where I answer your questions,

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Speaker 1: especially on couch Talks, and I'm a therapist sin it's

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Speaker 1: called You Need Therapy, that this podcast does not serve

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Speaker 1: as a replacement or a substitute for actual mental health services. However,

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Speaker 1: it's still allow of help and be helpful. So it

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Speaker 1: is the day before Thanksgiving. Happy Day before Thanksgiving. Also

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Speaker 1: Happy Thanksgiving, because I probably won't be talking to you

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Speaker 1: guys on Thanksgiving unless you save this episode to listen to.

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Speaker 1: In that case, Happy Thanksgiving. I'm sure there are a

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Speaker 1: wide range of feelings between all of you guys right now,

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Speaker 1: as the holidays are some people's like favorite time of year,

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Speaker 1: and there are some people's least favorite, and then there's

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Speaker 1: people that are in the middle and people that are

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Speaker 1: just basically neutral. And I have promised you, guys some

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Speaker 1: content around the holidays and family and stuff to do

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Speaker 1: and help cope with the times that might be tough

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Speaker 1: for the ones of you that kind of don't like

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Speaker 1: this time of year or even like it and just

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Speaker 1: notice some hard things about it. And so today Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks is dedicated to that. I am going to talk

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Speaker 1: about two different things today. And honestly, as I was

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Speaker 1: doing this, I was thinking this really would have been

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Speaker 1: more helpful like a month ago, so you could prepare

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Speaker 1: and make plans and kind of work on stuff. But

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Speaker 1: I am going to tell you, guys, better late than ever.

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Speaker 1: You have this episode for next year as well, So

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Speaker 1: let's get into it. Going through some of your questions

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Speaker 1: that you had specifically for the holiday season, there were

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Speaker 1: some themes that the questions were a little bit different,

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Speaker 1: but they kind of centered around the same kind of themes.

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Speaker 1: We are going to talk about two of those themes today.

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Speaker 1: One is about splitting time between families, and one is

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Speaker 1: about feeling safe around food and family members and just

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Speaker 1: people in general. Because you know, diet culture is the

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Speaker 1: holiday's best friend. You know, I feel like a lot

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Speaker 1: of things are diet culture's best friend because diet culture

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Speaker 1: just infiltrates everything. And we're going to talk about it.

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Speaker 1: So we're going to start with the family time question.

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Speaker 1: So a lot of the questions that you guys sent

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Speaker 1: in were, how do I find a way to split

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Speaker 1: time with in laws? How do I find a way

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Speaker 1: to do what I want on the holidays and not

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Speaker 1: feel guilty? How do I find a way to make

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Speaker 1: it fair when it comes to time with different family members?

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Speaker 1: And let's talk about that. And maybe you don't have

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Speaker 1: in laws, but you have divorced parents, or you have

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Speaker 1: multiple friend families, or you just have in general different

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Speaker 1: options in places that you want to be or you're

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Speaker 1: expected to be during the holidays. An easy solve for

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Speaker 1: this is switching holidays each year. That's not always possible,

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Speaker 1: but that's one way you can do it. You can

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Speaker 1: also when location allows spend a little bit of time

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Speaker 1: at each person's or groups of people's experience or home.

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Speaker 1: That's also not always possible, and there are so many

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Speaker 1: different circumstances. I don't really think it's that important or

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Speaker 1: helpful to give you ideas on how to split things

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Speaker 1: because I just think it could only apply to a

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Speaker 1: small margin of y'all. I could go on and on

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Speaker 1: and give you a million scenarios and plan them out,

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Speaker 1: but again, life is too nuanced for everybody to do that.

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Speaker 1: So what I think would be more important is to

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Speaker 1: help you think about how splitting these holidays should work.

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Speaker 1: What I want to do here is give you, guys,

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Speaker 1: some mantras. I'm going to give you some words of wisdom.

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Speaker 1: You can keep them in your front pocket, you can

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Speaker 1: keep them in the back pocket, you can keep them

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Speaker 1: in your hand. I don't care what you do with them.

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Speaker 1: I just want to give you these things that you

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Speaker 1: can come back to when you end up having those

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Speaker 1: moments of fear or anxiety, or like you're doing something wrong,

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Speaker 1: you can come back to these ideas. Because spoiler alert,

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Speaker 1: there is no perfect way to handle this kind of situation.

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Speaker 1: Number one, There's no way on earth I can perfectly

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Speaker 1: please everyone Like that is such a simple thing to

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Speaker 1: hear and such a hard thing to actually accept. No

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Speaker 1: matter how you slice it or dice it, there is

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Speaker 1: no way that you can perfectly please everyone. And so

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Speaker 1: if that is our goal, we're always going to be disappointed.

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Speaker 1: So I I want you to start with accepting or

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Speaker 1: attempting to accept this idea that there's no way on

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Speaker 1: earth I can perfectly please everyone. Number two, just because

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Speaker 1: someone is upset with me, it doesn't mean I did

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Speaker 1: anything wrong. And that is something that I think you

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Speaker 1: guys hear me say a lot, and it's something I'm

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Speaker 1: going to continue to say a lot. Just because someone's

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Speaker 1: upset with something that you did or a choice you made,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that you made the wrong choice, that

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Speaker 1: you did something wrong. Number Three, I am allowed to

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Speaker 1: make decisions that make me happy. That's why I said earlier,

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Speaker 1: like all of this stuff should not negate you having

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Speaker 1: an experience that is joyful or fun or just midline enjoyable.

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Speaker 1: You are allowed to make decisions that make you happy.

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Speaker 1: That's okay. You combine that one with just because someone's

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Speaker 1: upset isn't mean you did something wrong, and you will

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Speaker 1: just be set up for some success. Here. When it

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Speaker 1: comes to families and when it comes to having multiple

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Speaker 1: groups you're trying to satisfy at the same time, the

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Speaker 1: deal is, no matter what you do, someone is going

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Speaker 1: to feel left out or like they didn't get what

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Speaker 1: they wanted or like somebody else got a better deal,

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Speaker 1: like that is just usually the case. It's really hard

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Speaker 1: to make everything fair because life just actually isn't fair

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Speaker 1: most of the time. And that's also a hard pill

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Speaker 1: to swallow. And often what we do in these moments.

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Speaker 1: I see this all the time, where it's like, if

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Speaker 1: we can't make anybody happy, then I'm just not going

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Speaker 1: to do anything, and that kind of sucks because then

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Speaker 1: everybody loses. Rather, what would it look like if we

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Speaker 1: entered these situations with the attitude of I'm going to

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Speaker 1: do the best I can to accommodate as many people

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Speaker 1: as I can, including myself, and we will all need

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Speaker 1: to make compromises for this to happen. This kind of

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Speaker 1: thing is not about winning. This thing is not about

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Speaker 1: picking sides, picking people that we like the most. This

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Speaker 1: is about accepting the rules of life. One hundred percent

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Speaker 1: of people cannot be one hundred percent satisfied all of

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Speaker 1: the time. It is impossible for that to be true

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Speaker 1: or the case, or whoever you want to say it.

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Speaker 1: So if we adapt this attitude of I'm going to

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Speaker 1: do the best I can, I might learn something and

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Speaker 1: want to do something differently next time, and I know

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Speaker 1: that people, including myself, might be disappointed in different areas.

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Speaker 1: That doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. It doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: I'm being unkind. And not getting exactly what I want

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Speaker 1: or not giving somebody exactly what they want does not

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Speaker 1: take away the ability for us to have a good experience.

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Speaker 1: So I know this stuff is hard, and it really

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Speaker 1: is hard. Is because families always are changing, right, So

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Speaker 1: first you have your family, and then I don't know,

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Speaker 1: maybe you're a sibling gets married and they have multiple families,

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Speaker 1: and then other sibling gets married and they have multiple families,

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Speaker 1: and then maybe somebody gets divorced, and then there's multiple families,

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Speaker 1: and then so you are navigating your stuff, and then

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Speaker 1: you find a partner, and then you are navigating in

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Speaker 1: their family, and then all the different navigations of your family.

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Speaker 1: Things are always changing. You have kids, then your kids

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Speaker 1: grow up, and then you have to look at their schedules.

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Speaker 1: So it's hard and it's exhausting. And if we try

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Speaker 1: to figure out the per way to do everything, and

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Speaker 1: we try to make sure that other people avoid any

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Speaker 1: kind of feelings other than joy and happiness and contentment,

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Speaker 1: then we're going to probably end up in a disaster, right,

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Speaker 1: that's probably the worst way you could handle this. But

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Speaker 1: if we handle this with it's gonna be messy and sticky,

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Speaker 1: and I'm gonna figure it out and do the best

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Speaker 1: I can, and we're all gonna make compromises. And if

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Speaker 1: somebody's upset with me, that's okay. They can be upset

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Speaker 1: with me, and I can keep my feelings and they

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Speaker 1: can keep theirs. Then we might have a better way

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Speaker 1: of dealing with this. The other thing I want to

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Speaker 1: add right here before we move on to the next

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Speaker 1: thing is try your best not to mind read, not

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Speaker 1: to make assumptions based on our judgments. We do that naturally, right,

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Speaker 1: So we try to make sense of people's behavior. Our

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Speaker 1: brains just do that. And what happens is when we

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Speaker 1: try to make sense of other people's behavior, oftentimes we

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Speaker 1: tell ourselves a story that's very hurtful, and unless we

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Speaker 1: actually have the truth right we've got from that person,

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Speaker 1: the most helpful thing to do would be to just

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Speaker 1: take the information as fact and then put a period

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Speaker 1: with it. Let's say we're talking about your kids, and

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Speaker 1: your kids have different options. Let's say your kids chose

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Speaker 1: to have dinner with their partner's family, but they're going

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Speaker 1: to come spend the morning with you and have a brunch,

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Speaker 1: or they're giving you the option to do a Thanksgiving

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Speaker 1: dinner on the Saturday of the holiday weekend. And when

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Speaker 1: you receive that information, you think to yourself, well, it

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Speaker 1: always has to be that person's way, and they just

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Speaker 1: don't care about our feelings and they like that family

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Speaker 1: better and are whatever the assumptions are, those could be true,

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Speaker 1: but they oftentimes are not true. And so what might

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Speaker 1: be helpful is, oh, they're trying to make this work,

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Speaker 1: and I'm sure there's a lot of pieces to this

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Speaker 1: puzzle that we don't know. Boom, all right, so let's

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Speaker 1: move to the next question. So I got a lot

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Speaker 1: of questions about how to respond to, how to cope with,

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Speaker 1: how to handle how to set boundaries around food and

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Speaker 1: body image during Thanksgiving meals. This is a big one,

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Speaker 1: and it feels basically impossible to escape these comments, these

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Speaker 1: kinds of comments, which is interesting because as common sense,

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Speaker 1: it might seem to some of us to avoid making

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Speaker 1: these kinds of comments. It's very normal and very natural

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Speaker 1: behavior for a lot of other people. So I want

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Speaker 1: to say first off, that autonomy is huge here. If

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Speaker 1: you feel like it is too much to expose yourself

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Speaker 1: to a situation where you may hear things that could

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Speaker 1: trigger negative or toxic thoughts about your body, food, and exercise,

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Speaker 1: then the most important thing to do here is to

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Speaker 1: take care of your physical and mental health first. That

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Speaker 1: does not have to be qualified, It does not have

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Speaker 1: to be explained. People don't have to understand what you're

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Speaker 1: doing to take care of yourself for it to be

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Speaker 1: the right thing for you to do. And I need

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Speaker 1: everybody to hear that first. If I was an alcoholic

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Speaker 1: and I couldn't be around drinking without engaging and drinking myself,

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Speaker 1: then I'm going to make sure that I'm not around drinking.

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Speaker 1: The same goes for eating disorders, and we have to

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Speaker 1: start taking those things just as serious because they are

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Speaker 1: some harsh truth that I don't like talking about, but

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Speaker 1: I have to talk about. And I've mentioned a couple

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Speaker 1: times here recently, is that the majority of the world

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Speaker 1: does not care about your recovery, your triggers, or your feelings,

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Speaker 1: So that becomes our responsibility. How am I going to

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Speaker 1: set myself up so that I can best feel taken

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Speaker 1: care of, I can best feel safe, and I can

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Speaker 1: best feel loved by myself and the people that I

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Speaker 1: choose to spend time with now in order to not

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Speaker 1: isolate ourselves. I also encourage clients to do a couple

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Speaker 1: things in these kinds of situations to prepare because, like

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Speaker 1: I said, there are triggers all over the place, and

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Speaker 1: we're like, no, why would you say something like that

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Speaker 1: at the dinner table when people are eating, And obviously

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Speaker 1: somebody at this table was bound to have some kind

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Speaker 1: of insecurity about their body. A lot of people that

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Speaker 1: goes right over their heads, or they choose just to

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Speaker 1: ignore stuff because they want to continue to do what's

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Speaker 1: working for them. So here are some things that I

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Speaker 1: suggest people do that I might suggest you do before

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Speaker 1: you enter in a situation that might offer some triggers.

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Speaker 1: Number One, identify the triggers and with that prepare for them.

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Speaker 1: You can create a toolbox of coping skills to help

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Speaker 1: you sit through the discomfort of those triggers. A trigger

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Speaker 1: does not have to end in the result of you

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Speaker 1: engaging in a eating disorder behavior. It might send you

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Speaker 1: that way, and there are things that you can do

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Speaker 1: to cope with discomfort so you can avoid actually engaging

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Speaker 1: into the thing that you don't want to engage in. Example,

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Speaker 1: maybe your cousin always tries to get you to work

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Speaker 1: out in the morning of Thanksgiving, and the reason she

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Speaker 1: or he does that is because they want to work

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Speaker 1: out extra to plan for the food that they're going

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Speaker 1: to eat that day. That's a common thing that happens.

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Speaker 1: If you know that your cousin does this, and this

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Speaker 1: is the reason your cousin does this, and they say

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Speaker 1: things while you guys work out and you might like

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Speaker 1: working out, do not go. You are allowed to say, hey,

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Speaker 1: actually I want to sleep in, or hey I want

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Speaker 1: to go on a walk by myself. I have this

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Speaker 1: book I want to listen to, or you can just

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Speaker 1: say hey, I'm not feeling it. You don't have to

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Speaker 1: put yourself in situations just to test how strong your

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Speaker 1: willpower is, because a lot of recovery is not about willpower.

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Speaker 1: It's about setting yourself up for success the best way. Now,

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Speaker 1: when it comes to comments about food, maybe comments at

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Speaker 1: the table that could be upsetting our conversations that people

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Speaker 1: try to coherse you into having. It also might be

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Speaker 1: helpful to create sentence stems to plan to help shut

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Speaker 1: down or disengage those conversations. A comment is hello, fill

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Speaker 1: in the blank's name, I can't believe you are able

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Speaker 1: to eat like that and keep such a small figure.

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Speaker 1: Or you can reverse that and somebody might say, are

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Speaker 1: you sure you want to eat all that? I heard

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Speaker 1: you slept in this morning? Like just kind of crazy

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Speaker 1: toxic sentences like that. You don't have to engage in

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Speaker 1: their questions in their conversation. You can say, you know,

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Speaker 1: I assume you meant something helpful by saying that, and

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Speaker 1: I'm really not interested in talking about this kind of stuff.

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Speaker 1: And it's actually really hard for me to hear that

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Speaker 1: kind of stuff. It's not helpful, So I appreciate it

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Speaker 1: if we didn't talk about what I'm eating. And that

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Speaker 1: can work with random stuff during meals, if people start

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Speaker 1: talking about things and they're like, hey, what do you

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Speaker 1: think about that? Or blah blah blah do you hear

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Speaker 1: about this super food? Or we really should have made

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Speaker 1: cauliflower mashed potatoes because I saw how much butter are

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Speaker 1: on these, and do you know what all this stuff?

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Speaker 1: You can simply say, hey, you know what, I appreciate

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Speaker 1: you inviting me into this conversation, and I'm not really

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Speaker 1: interested in talking about food or weight or the morality

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Speaker 1: of either of those things. Right now, simple boom and

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Speaker 1: guess what. They might feel uncomfortable, And they might need

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Speaker 1: to feel uncomfortable, because often that is what we need

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Speaker 1: in order to do something different. If we keep them

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Speaker 1: comfortable in that spot, or they keep getting to say

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Speaker 1: things to you and you keep being like, oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: they're going to continue to do it. They have no

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Speaker 1: reason not to. But when them making those comments to

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Speaker 1: you starts to not feel so great, then they might

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Speaker 1: stop making them. Another thing I suggest clients to do

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Speaker 1: and humans to do is set boundaries and ask for

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Speaker 1: what you need when possible. And that is where you

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Speaker 1: bring in that intentional dialogue. Right So, if you need

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Speaker 1: to have a conversation with your mom or your aunt,

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Speaker 1: or your boyfriend or your girlfriend or whoever it is,

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Speaker 1: you can use the format when you blank, I feel blank.

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Speaker 1: What it brings up for me is blank, or what

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Speaker 1: the judgment I make is blank, and I'm asking that blank.

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Speaker 1: So when you talk about the calories that are in

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Speaker 1: food while we eat, I feel really scared and I

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Speaker 1: feel a lot of shame and guilt. What it brings

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Speaker 1: up for me is a lot of the beliefs I've

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Speaker 1: been challenging and working on challenging when it comes to

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Speaker 1: my own body and body image and mental health. And

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Speaker 1: I'm asking that you were framed from talking about those

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Speaker 1: kinds of things as best you can, specifically in my presence,

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Speaker 1: and then you can add a boundary on there. If

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Speaker 1: you can't do that, I just would love for you

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Speaker 1: to let me know, because I want to make sure

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Speaker 1: that I'm not putting myself in a situation that's going

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Speaker 1: to be harmful for me. And if you can't do that,

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Speaker 1: I totally get that. Let me know, I will make

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Speaker 1: the necessary changes that I need to make to keep

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Speaker 1: myself safe. And guys, that might be what I talked

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Speaker 1: about in the beginning autonomy. You don't have to put

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Speaker 1: yourself in situations where you know they're going to be harmful.

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Speaker 1: So if somebody's like, yeah, I'm gonna still do this,

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Speaker 1: you can say, well, okay, that's totally cool. I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to be able to be a part of this

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Speaker 1: event with you. And just because somebody might have a feeling,

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Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong. Remember that

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Speaker 1: all these things are kind of tying in together. And

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Speaker 1: then the last thing I want to suggest you guys

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Speaker 1: do is write down truth before you enter a situation

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Speaker 1: that has the ability to emotionally cloud it. When emotions

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Speaker 1: come in, logic turns off. So if you have a

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Speaker 1: note in your phone, or a piece of paper in

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Speaker 1: your pocket, or something where you can a bracelet. You

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Speaker 1: can make a bracelet with something that it says something

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Speaker 1: on it when you are in those moments when your

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Speaker 1: brain can't logic your way out of the emotions that

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Speaker 1: you're feeling. It is super helpful to have something that

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Speaker 1: you know you wrote when you were in a very

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Speaker 1: clear mind. And I can say this doesn't feel true

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Speaker 1: right now, but I know it is because the authentic,

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Speaker 1: real sound part of me wrote this down when they

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Speaker 1: are not in a heightened emotional state. So those can

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Speaker 1: be whatever you need them to be. Write them on

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Speaker 1: a note card again, make a bracelet. You can write

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Speaker 1: them on your arm. I don't care what you do

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Speaker 1: with them, but that is something that is very helpful.

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Speaker 1: That is going to do it for me today, That

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Speaker 1: is going to do it for me this Thanksgiving week.

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Speaker 1: I hope you guys have the holiday that you need

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Speaker 1: to have. I hope you have the time that you

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Speaker 1: need to have. Hope you have the family time you

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Speaker 1: need to have or the non family time you need

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Speaker 1: to have. And I will be back with you on

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Speaker 1: Monday for a new episode of You Need Therapy again.

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Speaker 1: In the meantime, if you ever have questions, send them

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Speaker 1: to Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. I

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Speaker 1: love getting your questions, I love getting your emails. I

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Speaker 1: appreciate them so much. If you want to follow us,

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Speaker 1: you can do that on Instagram at you Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: and at kat van Buren