1 00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:10,639 Speaker 1: I'm Elliot Conyon and this is Family Theory. Welcome back. 2 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:16,480 Speaker 1: Today's conversation brings together Jasmine, Elijah, and Gladys. This conversation 3 00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:20,400 Speaker 1: is not about fixing anyone, blaming anyone, or deciding who's 4 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:24,319 Speaker 1: right and who's wrong. It's about how families talk to 5 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:29,000 Speaker 1: one another when they actually want to understand. At the 6 00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 1: heart of this season is a powerful question what happens 7 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:36,319 Speaker 1: when we choose to communicate with honesty and compassion at 8 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:40,920 Speaker 1: the same time. Not honesty that wounds and not compassion 9 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:44,360 Speaker 1: that silences, but a balance that allows truth to be 10 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:48,879 Speaker 1: spoken without erasing care. Early on in this session, Eliza 11 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:52,159 Speaker 1: says something that really stopped me in my tracks. He 12 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:56,560 Speaker 1: said he had to question what love truly is and 13 00:00:56,600 --> 00:01:01,320 Speaker 1: the value that it brings. And a small thing to say, 14 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:05,759 Speaker 1: especially around your family, because most of us are taught 15 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:09,759 Speaker 1: that love is enough, that love should smooth things over, 16 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: that love means we excuse behavior, tolerate disrespect, or silence 17 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:18,840 Speaker 1: ourselves for the sake of keeping peace. But Elijah is 18 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:23,440 Speaker 1: asking a deeper question. If love exists, why does it 19 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:28,520 Speaker 1: feel confusing? Why does it sometimes mislead us? And how 20 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 1: do we stay honest without becoming cruel or quiet. Today's 21 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:38,520 Speaker 1: conversation is really about honesty paired with compassion, about whether 22 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,640 Speaker 1: understanding the history of our family's trauma helps us to 23 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:48,040 Speaker 1: stop taking everything personally. And it's about what transparency actually 24 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:51,960 Speaker 1: looks like when the stakes are high, when feelings are involved, 25 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:56,880 Speaker 1: when anxiety shows up, and when old patterns get activated. 26 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:02,840 Speaker 1: Or as everyone these days say, but this isn't a 27 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:07,160 Speaker 1: conversation about saying whatever comes to mind. It's about learning 28 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:11,440 Speaker 1: how to speak your truth without abandoning yourself or attacking 29 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:16,000 Speaker 1: the people you love. Let's listen. What has been better 30 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,400 Speaker 1: since we've last had a chance to chat. 31 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,000 Speaker 2: I'll say things have been different. It hasn't been worse, 32 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,480 Speaker 2: which is good, But things have. 33 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,480 Speaker 1: Been different in what way? 34 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:31,240 Speaker 2: When I started this, I planned on learning with the 35 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:36,560 Speaker 2: relationships I choose moving forward. Over the last few weeks, literally, 36 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:40,200 Speaker 2: it feels like my siblings that I've been trying to 37 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:44,800 Speaker 2: not in a sense let go, but just set my boundaries. 38 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:49,120 Speaker 2: So what have you? It seems like they've been like 39 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:52,320 Speaker 2: a force needing me more. I've had to step up 40 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 2: and step in more recently, which I was trying to 41 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:03,520 Speaker 2: learn to step away from. So my brother ended up 42 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:07,840 Speaker 2: having a diabetic coma. I believe it's called just about 43 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,760 Speaker 2: a week and a half ago. So that's been extremely stressful, 44 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:14,120 Speaker 2: you know, so just stepping into the position of being 45 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:18,320 Speaker 2: the eldest sibling and having to even see him in 46 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:22,200 Speaker 2: the state he was having to deal with my younger 47 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:25,160 Speaker 2: siblings and or they're all right and things of that nature. 48 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:28,880 Speaker 2: Make sure my mom and my nephew are okay. So 49 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:34,280 Speaker 2: it was different because I wasn't as stressed realizing I'm 50 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,840 Speaker 2: able to step out without being anxious about it. 51 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,120 Speaker 1: Are you're pleased about that difference? Yes, excellent, And by 52 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 1: the way, sorry to hear about your brother. 53 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:45,800 Speaker 2: He's doing a lot better. 54 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,040 Speaker 1: Now, what about Gladys and Elijah? What's been better in 55 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:48,600 Speaker 1: your lives? 56 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,400 Speaker 3: So I've tried cooking more. 57 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:56,600 Speaker 4: I've actually have cooked a few more recipes, and I've 58 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:00,520 Speaker 4: been trying to get more outside outside of actually just 59 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,280 Speaker 4: went on a big adventure today to you know, up my. 60 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:07,160 Speaker 3: Photography game, and trying to write more. 61 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:12,040 Speaker 4: When it comes to like poetry and my other works, 62 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 4: I think a decent match change. I've had some talks 63 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:19,960 Speaker 4: with other members of my family, including this one. 64 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,839 Speaker 3: I've been trying to call more nice. 65 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:25,200 Speaker 1: All right, congranilations end badus. What about you? What's been better? 66 00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:30,000 Speaker 5: My health? I'm super excited I get to go back 67 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:30,440 Speaker 5: to work. 68 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:35,440 Speaker 6: I had surgery in February and the surgery went bad. 69 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,839 Speaker 6: I ended up getting a huge infection and went septic, 70 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,600 Speaker 6: so I had to be in the hospital for about nineties. 71 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:46,440 Speaker 6: So I'm happy because I get to go back to 72 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:50,719 Speaker 6: work next week and my body is getting better. 73 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,239 Speaker 5: I feel a lot better. 74 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:57,880 Speaker 6: I'm excited about Elijah going to his new job in 75 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:02,559 Speaker 6: the summertime. I'm excited about Jazz coming down to move 76 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:07,400 Speaker 6: to Georgia. So I'm super super super excited about everything. 77 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,280 Speaker 5: I feel pretty good about. 78 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 2: Life. 79 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,719 Speaker 1: Excellent. So what outcome do you guys want to achieve 80 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 1: from talking today? 81 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:20,120 Speaker 5: Elijah? 82 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:23,320 Speaker 4: I think clarity of how we interact with each other, 83 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:27,360 Speaker 4: our dynamics and for instance, is why we might act 84 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:31,200 Speaker 4: in certain ways. Because I think that if we know how, 85 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:35,680 Speaker 4: like who our biggest influences are, I think that would 86 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,839 Speaker 4: clear things up of how we act as well. 87 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,440 Speaker 1: What do you if you have that kind of clarity, Elijah, 88 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:44,839 Speaker 1: what difference do you hope it makes for you? 89 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:54,520 Speaker 4: I guess knowledge of the other person would make it 90 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,680 Speaker 4: better to understand, like, Okay, why do you act this 91 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,920 Speaker 4: way henceforth? Is there a way that I can move 92 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,240 Speaker 4: accordingly with that information? Or is there a way that 93 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 4: I could grow from it despite knowing what I know? 94 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,240 Speaker 4: Or if I can't change anything, is there anywhere I 95 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,520 Speaker 4: can grow despite it? 96 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,120 Speaker 1: And what do you hope that does to your ability 97 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:19,440 Speaker 1: to communicate with the other one that you're communicating. 98 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 3: With allows some more honesty and straightforwardness, So. 99 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:27,200 Speaker 1: If today's topic led to more honesty and straightforwardness between 100 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:32,080 Speaker 1: you and other family members, you'd be pleased? Yes? Perfect? Okay, 101 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,080 Speaker 1: Jazz or Gladys. What are you hoping to get out 102 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:36,159 Speaker 1: of our conversation? Toom? 103 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:38,800 Speaker 5: I love honesty and straightforwardness? 104 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,360 Speaker 6: I feel like what I would get out of it 105 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:45,000 Speaker 6: is to be able to hear more of Elijah's voice. 106 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:49,279 Speaker 6: I feel like Jazz could be able to say more 107 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:53,599 Speaker 6: because you know her being the younger sister on this 108 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,000 Speaker 6: side of her siblings. 109 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,960 Speaker 5: Like you know, I always feel like. 110 00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:01,679 Speaker 6: I aim to be as trans parent as possible, even 111 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,920 Speaker 6: in difficult times, because I know it's better than not 112 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,120 Speaker 6: speaking of things. 113 00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:06,760 Speaker 3: So I. 114 00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:12,120 Speaker 6: Hope to learn, I guess more, but I from the 115 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:16,360 Speaker 6: very I want to say, since Elijah's been in my life, 116 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:19,440 Speaker 6: like I've always fought for, like speak your truth. 117 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 2: Well when I hear Elijah say that, what I hear 118 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:28,640 Speaker 2: is giving more grace when trying to take yourself out 119 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:35,000 Speaker 2: of feeling like it's personal, and that has worked for me. 120 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:39,280 Speaker 2: It's just harder to do that with people that are 121 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 2: closest to you. It feels like sometimes because sometimes I 122 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,360 Speaker 2: feel like I like, I already know you, so I 123 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:48,800 Speaker 2: already know your story. However, that isn't the case. Just 124 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 2: because we've been in the same scenarios, we all have 125 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:57,560 Speaker 2: different experiences. Being able to give that grace and hear 126 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:03,880 Speaker 2: the other person side of things does help me learn 127 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:08,080 Speaker 2: them and discern better. I should say, how. 128 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:13,840 Speaker 1: Do you hope learning them and discerning them would make 129 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:14,840 Speaker 1: a big difference for you? 130 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,960 Speaker 2: It will help me let go and not take it personal, 131 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,240 Speaker 2: because even just thinking that, now there's one specific person 132 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 2: I'm thinking about, and it's very hard to let go 133 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,000 Speaker 2: of a lot of disrespect and how they've treated me. 134 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,800 Speaker 2: I don't know their story at all, even though I've 135 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,440 Speaker 2: known them for years. It's an in law, not an 136 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,240 Speaker 2: actual family member. But even though I've known them for years, 137 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:43,120 Speaker 2: it's affected my right now life, like the things that 138 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:47,760 Speaker 2: has transpired, I didn't even think to do that with them. 139 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:51,720 Speaker 2: I'm hoping I can use these practics towards that I 140 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:53,480 Speaker 2: guess to let a lot go. 141 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:59,679 Speaker 1: I'm trying to think the best way I can respond 142 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:05,520 Speaker 1: to them that Well, Okay, is there love between all 143 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:05,800 Speaker 1: of you. 144 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:06,360 Speaker 5: On the line? 145 00:09:07,559 --> 00:09:08,040 Speaker 1: Yeah? 146 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,320 Speaker 2: Absolutely, Yeah, for sure. 147 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:15,040 Speaker 1: Okay, would you agree there's love between all of you? Yes? 148 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,360 Speaker 1: What would you say about the level of love between 149 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:19,400 Speaker 1: all of you there? 150 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,960 Speaker 3: Well, actually, there's the thing. 151 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,520 Speaker 4: I do believe that love exists between most of my 152 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,960 Speaker 4: family members. It's just that for me personally, I've had 153 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:32,880 Speaker 4: to question what exactly is love or what is the 154 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:34,160 Speaker 4: value of love? 155 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,760 Speaker 1: Where have you landed? That's an interesting thing to question, Elijah, 156 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:38,560 Speaker 1: Where have you landed? 157 00:09:39,559 --> 00:09:40,280 Speaker 3: It's hard to say. 158 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:44,000 Speaker 4: It's not that love is necessarily dangerous, but it's something 159 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:49,560 Speaker 4: that can be very misleading, you could say. And then 160 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:56,080 Speaker 4: it's misleading through its warmth or through its appeal, because 161 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,160 Speaker 4: we all in the sense want to be loved in 162 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:02,760 Speaker 4: some fashion, my friends, family members, lovers. But then at 163 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:06,440 Speaker 4: the end of the day, that desire to be loved 164 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,480 Speaker 4: and shown love can mislead us. 165 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,880 Speaker 1: Say more about that, mislead us. 166 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:16,120 Speaker 4: How for instance, like it's just say that, well, this 167 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,720 Speaker 4: is a very I guess you can say extreme case. 168 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 4: But let's just say that you had a family member 169 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:26,440 Speaker 4: who did a crime, and because you love that person, 170 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,000 Speaker 4: you automatically think that they could never do that. But 171 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,400 Speaker 4: the reality is that you really never know what a 172 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:36,120 Speaker 4: person is capable or until they actually do it. Right, 173 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:43,280 Speaker 4: That's where your loveless leads. It's not innocent until it's it. Yeah, 174 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:44,280 Speaker 4: that's where it's basically it. 175 00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:48,679 Speaker 6: Okay, you know, I want to dive more into the 176 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:52,720 Speaker 6: way that Elijah actually fails because I personally think it 177 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:56,040 Speaker 6: has to do with, you know, the fact of how 178 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:59,959 Speaker 6: he's been raised into different households and looking at love 179 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:04,319 Speaker 6: and seeing the differences in love and how it's represented 180 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:08,679 Speaker 6: either with family to family, or I haven't had the 181 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:15,240 Speaker 6: best relationships like love love relationships, and Elijah has spoken 182 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:19,080 Speaker 6: his truth on that and questioned me about my partners 183 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 6: that I've chosen. So I feel like I need Elijah 184 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,920 Speaker 6: to dig a little deeper in that because it's not 185 00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:28,679 Speaker 6: so much that the way you see it, I'm not 186 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,120 Speaker 6: sure maybe you can answer it to Elijah, if I 187 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,960 Speaker 6: taught you that, and if I did that, wasn't my 188 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:38,679 Speaker 6: intention just to you know, just love Well, I. 189 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,120 Speaker 1: Think I'd like to take the conversation in a different way, 190 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:45,520 Speaker 1: if that's okay, Okay. I'm really fascinated by something Elijah said, 191 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:50,440 Speaker 1: and I'm really fascinated on how this would impact the family. 192 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:55,400 Speaker 1: So Elijah said, I want to be able in essence, 193 00:11:55,440 --> 00:12:01,120 Speaker 1: to be to be honest, to tell my truth. And 194 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,200 Speaker 1: I love that. Actually, I think it's really important that 195 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,680 Speaker 1: we be authentic selves and we tell our truths. And 196 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:14,320 Speaker 1: I purposely ask how much love exists between all of 197 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:18,800 Speaker 1: you and within all of you. The reason I ask 198 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:24,880 Speaker 1: that is what would happen if all of you started 199 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:29,080 Speaker 1: living in your truth, speaking in your truth in an honest, 200 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:35,839 Speaker 1: transparent way while acknowledging love is present. Now, I'll give 201 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:41,760 Speaker 1: you an example. So Elijah enjoys to cook. One of 202 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:48,080 Speaker 1: my favorite meals is chicken cooked with Perry Perry spice 203 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:55,880 Speaker 1: or Perry Perry sauce. There's a restaurant called Nando's. It's 204 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,920 Speaker 1: mostly over here in Europe, and I'm very sad I 205 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: have not been to Nando's on this current trip, and 206 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:05,960 Speaker 1: I'm really pissed about it my favorite meal. Let's say Elijah, 207 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:09,839 Speaker 1: being a really nice person and someone who enjoys to cook, 208 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,400 Speaker 1: says Elliott, I know that Perry Perry chicken is your 209 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:17,520 Speaker 1: favorite meal. I'm going to cook it for you. And 210 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:22,760 Speaker 1: I go to Elijah's home and he goes to cook this. 211 00:13:23,559 --> 00:13:26,680 Speaker 1: I have a lot of respect for Elijah and a 212 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:30,640 Speaker 1: lot of love for myself. Let's say Elijah does his 213 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,959 Speaker 1: very best to cook my favorite meal, but he gets 214 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,920 Speaker 1: it all wrong and it's very very disgusting. And I 215 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:41,800 Speaker 1: eat Elijah's meal and I think in my head, oh 216 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:48,600 Speaker 1: my gosh, this is very very disgusting. And Elijah says 217 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 1: to me, Elliott, what do you think. Out of respect 218 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:57,840 Speaker 1: for Elijah, I wouldn't say this is the worst meal 219 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:02,000 Speaker 1: I've ever had. Even if that were my truth, I'd 220 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,480 Speaker 1: have to communicate with Elijah in a way that honors 221 00:14:04,559 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 1: my level of respect and love for myself. So Elijah 222 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:10,760 Speaker 1: would say, hey, Ellie, what do you think of the meal? 223 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:17,040 Speaker 1: And I would say it's okay, it's all right now. 224 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:20,880 Speaker 1: That's not me being incongruent. That's not me being insincere. 225 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:25,080 Speaker 1: That's me saying I care a lot about Elijah's feelings 226 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:28,960 Speaker 1: because he's someone I care about. I can tell my 227 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:34,080 Speaker 1: truth while preserving care, and I can tell my truth 228 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:38,040 Speaker 1: while preserving respect for myself because if I were to 229 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:43,720 Speaker 1: say to Elijah, this tastes like shit, which Elijah, by 230 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,080 Speaker 1: the way, I would never think you'd produce anything like that, 231 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:51,040 Speaker 1: to be very clear. But if I were to say that, 232 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,760 Speaker 1: do you guys notice how that's me being out of 233 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:58,240 Speaker 1: positive character of myself. Right. So it's interesting to hear 234 00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,880 Speaker 1: Elijah say I want to be able to tell my truth, 235 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,800 Speaker 1: and I'm thinking, ooh, of course I love that. I 236 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,840 Speaker 1: think it's really important to be honest with yourself and others. 237 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:09,080 Speaker 1: I think it's really important to be genuine and authentic. 238 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,000 Speaker 1: But the really important question I have for all of 239 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:15,040 Speaker 1: you is what would happen if you woke up tomorrow? 240 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,880 Speaker 1: And the only way I know how to communicate is honesty. 241 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,880 Speaker 1: It's almost like while you were in fleet, I snuck 242 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:26,600 Speaker 1: into your bedrooms and I gave you a truth serum shot. Right. 243 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,960 Speaker 1: I had this needle and I poked each of you 244 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,120 Speaker 1: in the arm, but I gave you truth serum shock. 245 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 1: And what this truth serum shot did was it guaranteed 246 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,520 Speaker 1: that you were only able to tell your truth, you 247 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:45,040 Speaker 1: literally can no longer fabricate. But also inside of the serum, 248 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 1: it reminds you that I love the person I'm talking to, 249 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,000 Speaker 1: and I need to communicate in a way that honors 250 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:55,160 Speaker 1: that I loved myself too. What would be different in 251 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,920 Speaker 1: the way you guys communicated if you knew I'm only 252 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,040 Speaker 1: able to tell the truth, but in a way that 253 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,360 Speaker 1: honors my love and care for that other person. 254 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,280 Speaker 2: I was gonna say, it feels like I have that 255 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,720 Speaker 2: truth sarum shot except for that last part. 256 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,960 Speaker 1: But that's right, Jazz. But that's why I ask it, 257 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,160 Speaker 1: because we tend to think, and you know, yell at me. 258 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:17,080 Speaker 1: I think I'm wrong, but we tend to think. If 259 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:20,960 Speaker 1: Elijah makes my favorite chicken and I bite into it, 260 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,800 Speaker 1: Perry's sauce can be quite spicy. If I bite into 261 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:28,160 Speaker 1: it and it's really really spicy, and Elijah asks me, 262 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:32,080 Speaker 1: what do I think? We tend to think. Unless I 263 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,320 Speaker 1: cuss his ass out, I'm not being real. But the 264 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:39,440 Speaker 1: truth is I can absolutely say to Elijah, it's okay, 265 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,880 Speaker 1: I probably don't need it to eat anymore. And that's true, 266 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:47,040 Speaker 1: while also honoring I care about Elijah, I have to 267 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:48,640 Speaker 1: yell at him or cuss him out or tell him 268 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,960 Speaker 1: it's really terrible, and what were you thinking? Like, I 269 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,360 Speaker 1: don't have to do any of that. I can simply 270 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:57,680 Speaker 1: live in my truth and express my truth while preserving care. 271 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,400 Speaker 1: So Jazz, what you just said I think is really important. 272 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:02,480 Speaker 1: Like I have the first part, and most people have 273 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,919 Speaker 1: the first part. I'm capable looking at Elijah and be 274 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 1: like this is gross. It's the second part that's really important. 275 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:14,840 Speaker 2: I feel like, especially nowadays, people just want to be offended. 276 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:18,479 Speaker 2: So I feel like that's why I've silenced to myself, 277 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:22,359 Speaker 2: because it's like I'll try to say like because I've learned, 278 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:26,320 Speaker 2: Like even my sister she will tell me growing up 279 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:30,240 Speaker 2: with my other siblings, we joke and speak to each 280 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,680 Speaker 2: other harshly, and that has helped me so much. But 281 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,199 Speaker 2: now I have to figure out how to say things. 282 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:40,160 Speaker 2: I always feel like I want to be honest because 283 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:45,560 Speaker 2: I don't want to mislead anyone. However, even changing the 284 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:49,600 Speaker 2: way I say whatever the case may be, even like Elijah, 285 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,919 Speaker 2: I wasn't into that it was too spicy for me, 286 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:53,919 Speaker 2: I feel like somebody would still get offended. 287 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:54,280 Speaker 4: I don't know. 288 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,080 Speaker 2: I want to say, Elijah, but I feel like people 289 00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:57,360 Speaker 2: would still be offended by that. 290 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,680 Speaker 1: But the reason why I said no in Elijah, I 291 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,240 Speaker 1: see you and I'm gonna come to you next. The reason, Jazz, 292 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:06,240 Speaker 1: why I said no because here's the wonderful thing about 293 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:09,880 Speaker 1: honesty and truth. I actually don't care how the other 294 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:13,440 Speaker 1: person responds. So when you're like, I feel like people 295 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:17,600 Speaker 1: want to be offended. If I communicate with and Elijah, 296 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,240 Speaker 1: I hope you don't feel like I'm picking on y'all. 297 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,600 Speaker 1: I promise you, Eliza, I'm sure anything you cooked would 298 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:25,280 Speaker 1: be delicious? Are you good? If I communicate with Elijah 299 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,679 Speaker 1: trying to get a response or not get a response, 300 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:32,199 Speaker 1: that's not actually communication. That's manipulation. If I communicate with 301 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:36,399 Speaker 1: Elijah trying to get a response or trying not to 302 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:40,919 Speaker 1: get a response, communication for the purposes of a specific 303 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:48,520 Speaker 1: response is not communication, it's manipulation. Telling my truth means 304 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,600 Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell Elijah what I think of the meal 305 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,879 Speaker 1: he'd made for me, and I'm gonna do it with 306 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,800 Speaker 1: love and compassion because I care about him. Now, if 307 00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:00,760 Speaker 1: Elijah does get offended or doesn't, I'm no longer responsible 308 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,280 Speaker 1: for that, you know what I mean, Like, I'm not 309 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,119 Speaker 1: communicating with Elijah so he doesn't feel offended or not. 310 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:09,760 Speaker 1: I'm communicated with Elijah because this is my truth and 311 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,960 Speaker 1: I want to communicate my truth in the most loving, caring, 312 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,560 Speaker 1: honest way. To Jazz's point, Elijah might still get offended, 313 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,560 Speaker 1: but that is no longer my responsibility because if I 314 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:24,000 Speaker 1: communicate with Elijah trying to minimize his offense or trying 315 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,119 Speaker 1: to get a specific response, that is manipulation. That is 316 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:31,920 Speaker 1: actually not communicating Elijah. You were going to say something. 317 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:35,600 Speaker 4: I sort of learned this from years of watching anemite. 318 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:38,320 Speaker 4: But when I think that the response that you gave 319 00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:42,280 Speaker 4: me was too placid, I think the word is And 320 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:47,800 Speaker 4: for me this is especially because if the person like me, 321 00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:52,200 Speaker 4: I like to cook and you tell me that it's okay, 322 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,399 Speaker 4: I'm going to take that as I did a decent 323 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,639 Speaker 4: job with the meal. However, if you don't, that is 324 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 4: a lack of honesty. There's difference between what you're saying 325 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,840 Speaker 4: right now, like saying it's crap. Basically that is allowing 326 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,200 Speaker 4: for me to continue my methods and not improve. 327 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,720 Speaker 3: Honestly, I feel like it is. Imagine if you had someone. 328 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:15,120 Speaker 4: Work really hard on a project, day in day out, 329 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:19,280 Speaker 4: doing their absolute best to succeed in this project, and 330 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:22,520 Speaker 4: in the competition that they're supposed to present it, the judge, 331 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:27,120 Speaker 4: instead of critiquing them to their fullest capability, they pull 332 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,440 Speaker 4: back their judgments, and then you're wondering, oh, I don't 333 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,960 Speaker 4: know how well I actually do it or what I 334 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:37,119 Speaker 4: could improve on. That is a disservice to that person. 335 00:20:37,119 --> 00:20:39,840 Speaker 4: It's also a lack of respect. In my opinion, there's 336 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:42,240 Speaker 4: a difference between meekness and cruelty. 337 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,240 Speaker 3: You have to find the in between. 338 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,760 Speaker 4: And of course, like the only thing you can really 339 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,760 Speaker 4: control is what you say and how you react to 340 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:58,240 Speaker 4: another person's response, and that's when if they get offended, 341 00:20:58,280 --> 00:20:58,800 Speaker 4: that's on them. 342 00:20:58,840 --> 00:20:59,560 Speaker 3: All you have to know. 343 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:01,560 Speaker 4: All you have to think about is did I act 344 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:06,080 Speaker 4: in a way that is balanced? Was I acting cool? 345 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:12,960 Speaker 4: Was I acting meek? If not, then it's okay. But yeah, 346 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,919 Speaker 4: I if it were me, especially if it were me 347 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:18,240 Speaker 4: and someone else was cooking for me and asked me 348 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:19,720 Speaker 4: how I do and I didn't like it, I'm not 349 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,080 Speaker 4: gonna say you need to start over again. 350 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,879 Speaker 3: I'm gonna say needs a lot of work. Here are 351 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:25,720 Speaker 3: the reasons why. 352 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,840 Speaker 4: But this is your first time making the meal, so 353 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,240 Speaker 4: I'm not going to critique you too harshly for that. 354 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:38,520 Speaker 1: Elijah. I love it, bro I love it so like 355 00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:43,440 Speaker 1: if it's a very different thing, like, Elijah, you got 356 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:47,000 Speaker 1: my like brain bringing, right, It's a very different thing 357 00:21:47,119 --> 00:21:50,119 Speaker 1: to say, oh, this is disgusting, just leaving at that, 358 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:53,480 Speaker 1: because again we're trying to be honest while also maintaining 359 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:57,200 Speaker 1: I really respect and enjoy this person. I really love 360 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,560 Speaker 1: this person, and I really respect and love myself. It's 361 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,080 Speaker 1: a very different thing to say, you know what, Elijah, 362 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:04,920 Speaker 1: thank you so much for trying to make this meal. 363 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,040 Speaker 1: This is your first time making it, so I'm not 364 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:07,920 Speaker 1: going to judge you too Urshley, but to be very 365 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,520 Speaker 1: honest with you, it's way too spicy and I probably 366 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,000 Speaker 1: don't want to eat any more of it. 367 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:12,600 Speaker 3: Yeah. 368 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,639 Speaker 1: Like, in one hand, if I just say, oh, this 369 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:19,280 Speaker 1: is disgusting, I'm being mean and I'm giving criticism even 370 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,840 Speaker 1: though I'm being honest, I'm being mean and not preserving 371 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,399 Speaker 1: the relationship and the love and care between me and 372 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,880 Speaker 1: another person. But in the second example, when I say, hey, Elijah, 373 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,399 Speaker 1: I know the first time making this Perry spice is 374 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,240 Speaker 1: actually not common here in America. I'm not going to 375 00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:37,480 Speaker 1: judge you and your cooking skills based on this meal alone, 376 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:38,760 Speaker 1: but I am going to be honest with you and 377 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,000 Speaker 1: tell you it's way too spicy. I probably don't want 378 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:41,840 Speaker 1: to eat any more of it. 379 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:43,959 Speaker 4: Well, it's not even just like because you love me, 380 00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:46,480 Speaker 4: but it's also like just I would do the same 381 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,639 Speaker 4: thing for anyone if they had to ask me a 382 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:52,480 Speaker 4: question or they came to me looking for advice, I 383 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:55,520 Speaker 4: would give them the respect that I think is do 384 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,240 Speaker 4: just because they're a human being. 385 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:00,760 Speaker 1: But to attach that to something Jazz said and something 386 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:04,919 Speaker 1: you said earlier, Elijah, if the receiver of that information 387 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 1: still gets offended, Jazz, I want you to release that 388 00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:12,280 Speaker 1: because I'm not responsible to that because. 389 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,200 Speaker 2: As I'm listening, I'm like, Okay, that's exactly how Eliza's 390 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:19,280 Speaker 2: explaining it. That's how I would usually respond. But now 391 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:22,400 Speaker 2: I'm older and I'm looking back, I'm like, people still 392 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,960 Speaker 2: would get offended to how I would present it even 393 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,600 Speaker 2: if it was that way. So now I've wanted I'm 394 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:32,880 Speaker 2: still I've silenced myself and I won't see anything. Whatsop, 395 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:34,520 Speaker 2: Stop silencing yourself. 396 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:38,399 Speaker 1: The conversation doesn't stop here. You'll be right back with 397 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:48,320 Speaker 1: more from this session. Jazz, I'm going to accuse you 398 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:52,000 Speaker 1: of trying to manipulate people, And by the way, I 399 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,480 Speaker 1: don't mean that as harshly as it's. What I mean 400 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:59,359 Speaker 1: is if I communicate exactly as we're talking about here 401 00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:03,680 Speaker 1: in this conversation, and the outcome is they're still getting offended, 402 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:07,080 Speaker 1: and then I silence myself. What you're doing is you're 403 00:24:07,119 --> 00:24:10,320 Speaker 1: allowing they're getting offended to be your feedback to whether 404 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,480 Speaker 1: or not you did it right or not, and then 405 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:16,280 Speaker 1: you're silencing yourself. I'm saying that's not the proper feedback. 406 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:21,119 Speaker 1: The proper feedback is did I communicate with this person 407 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,720 Speaker 1: in the way that honors that I love and care 408 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,400 Speaker 1: for them. If the answer to that is yes, as 409 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:30,840 Speaker 1: Elijah pointed out accurately, they may still get offended, and 410 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:36,120 Speaker 1: sometimes they get offended. So let's imagine that Elijah's mother, Gladys, 411 00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:41,200 Speaker 1: is literally the most critical person on the planet to Elijah, 412 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,240 Speaker 1: and every meal Elijah has ever made for his mother 413 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:49,000 Speaker 1: his mother criticized beyond belief. And then Elijah, being a 414 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:52,720 Speaker 1: nice guy, cooks a meal for his friend Elliott and 415 00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,359 Speaker 1: I literally say, this is a really nice first try. 416 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:59,440 Speaker 1: Next time, I make it less spicy. Elijah may experience 417 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,800 Speaker 1: that as a offender because of his history with his mom, 418 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,840 Speaker 1: having nothing to do with me. So it's not like 419 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:10,080 Speaker 1: I did anything wrong. I just accidentally triggered a history 420 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:13,919 Speaker 1: story in Elijah's head. So I shouldn't silence myself. I 421 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,240 Speaker 1: actually didn't do anything wrong. It's just I happen to 422 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:22,200 Speaker 1: trigger an internal thought of Elijah's that has literally nothing 423 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:25,560 Speaker 1: to do with me. I could say, hey, Elijah, this 424 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:29,000 Speaker 1: is a great first attempt. However, next time, a little 425 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,280 Speaker 1: less on the spice. But what Elijah heard was this 426 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,440 Speaker 1: is just as gross as everything else, because that's the 427 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:37,320 Speaker 1: way his mom talked to him. So Elijah might get offended. 428 00:25:37,359 --> 00:25:40,160 Speaker 1: And it ain't because I did anything wrong. It's because 429 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:43,800 Speaker 1: the story that Elijah plays in his head is attached 430 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:46,080 Speaker 1: to these other things. So Jazz, I point that out 431 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,800 Speaker 1: to you to say, other people might still be getting offended, 432 00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:51,840 Speaker 1: having nothing to do with what you said or the 433 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:53,840 Speaker 1: way you said it, but having everything to do with 434 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,160 Speaker 1: their own history, with their own background that is completely 435 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,600 Speaker 1: detached from you. Does that make sense? 436 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:04,720 Speaker 2: It makes perfect sense, however, because what I've seen, and 437 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,640 Speaker 2: what I've seen is because you were the one to say, oh, 438 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:12,200 Speaker 2: you know, this scene's a bit of something else, Elijah 439 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:16,880 Speaker 2: is going to more likely take all that frustration out 440 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:18,720 Speaker 2: on you because he's not going to do it to 441 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:22,720 Speaker 2: his mom. So what that's not fair to you? 442 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,760 Speaker 1: But why do I care? Have you ever had anybody 443 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:27,960 Speaker 1: get mad at you? Yes? 444 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:32,639 Speaker 2: And it's so much so to where because I haven't cared, 445 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,000 Speaker 2: they're going to try to do stuff till I care. 446 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,320 Speaker 1: Have you ever had anybody get mad at you? And 447 00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:41,800 Speaker 1: you know, like if I accidentally step on Elijah's foot 448 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:46,080 Speaker 1: and he just explodes in rage, I will walk away 449 00:26:46,119 --> 00:26:48,359 Speaker 1: from that experience and I will know. But that didn't 450 00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:51,520 Speaker 1: have everything to do with me. So I can't own 451 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:56,400 Speaker 1: other people's bullshit. I just can't if I will drive 452 00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:57,280 Speaker 1: myself crazy. 453 00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:02,040 Speaker 2: What if it's actually affecting everything you're saying. But I'm 454 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,359 Speaker 2: also the type like I don't care, but not that 455 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,959 Speaker 2: I don't care, but it's like I'm not gonna let 456 00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:11,400 Speaker 2: with somebody's day affect me. But because people will see that, 457 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:14,320 Speaker 2: they're like, oh no, you're gonna feel this iz all right, 458 00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:16,480 Speaker 2: let me show you how you can feel this. It's 459 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:18,040 Speaker 2: kind of a back and forth thing that. 460 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:21,040 Speaker 5: Gets to be petty and that's not what you want. 461 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:22,879 Speaker 2: I'm not even trying to be petty. I'm just like, 462 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:24,760 Speaker 2: I didn't do anything. 463 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:28,320 Speaker 4: But then my thing is that then you gotta Then 464 00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:30,640 Speaker 4: you got to this side where the mark lies with 465 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:33,680 Speaker 4: what line you're willing to cross or allowing others to cross. 466 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:34,800 Speaker 3: At that point, can. 467 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:36,800 Speaker 1: I say something to James real quick, Jazz, I don't 468 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,240 Speaker 1: believe you when you say I don't care what. 469 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,560 Speaker 5: Other people think, because she is that socting. 470 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:45,480 Speaker 1: Two competing things can't simultaneously be true. So I can't 471 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:49,479 Speaker 1: say I don't care what other people think and it 472 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:52,719 Speaker 1: bothers me when they're offended and I silenced myself as 473 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:55,359 Speaker 1: a response to their offense, one of those two things 474 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:58,879 Speaker 1: can't be true. And I am actually saying to you, Jazz, 475 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:03,679 Speaker 1: I want you to communicate your honest, compassionate truth and 476 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:08,320 Speaker 1: then release the response to them. How you respond is 477 00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:13,000 Speaker 1: about you, and I release that response to you. That's 478 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,960 Speaker 1: actually the healthiest thing. I think you're owning a little 479 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:18,280 Speaker 1: bit of their response, which is why you silence yourself 480 00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:21,680 Speaker 1: when they get offended. And I'm saying don't do that. 481 00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:27,400 Speaker 2: I'm confused, honestly, because I'm like, I truly maybe it's 482 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:30,480 Speaker 2: like I don't know. Maybe my family members I do 483 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:33,760 Speaker 2: care about what they think or whatever the case may be. 484 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,800 Speaker 2: But I'm even thinking of a specific situation I was 485 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:40,560 Speaker 2: in where I was offended one of my sister's friends. 486 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:45,320 Speaker 2: She really was invested in me. I assume she thought 487 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,960 Speaker 2: I was like an older sister of hers, but I 488 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,000 Speaker 2: didn't view her in this. I didn't look at her 489 00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:55,240 Speaker 2: as my little sister. So because it wasn't reciprocated, called 490 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:59,720 Speaker 2: the police on me, literally, non provoked. So my thing is, damn, 491 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:04,120 Speaker 2: I didn't care for a relationship that she was looking 492 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:08,240 Speaker 2: for because I didn't get backfired on me, and I 493 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:12,000 Speaker 2: went through a bunch of traumatic things for somebody I 494 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,560 Speaker 2: didn't even really care for. So I'm like, and that 495 00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:17,760 Speaker 2: happens a lot. That's just one example, and I think 496 00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:20,520 Speaker 2: that happens a lot, even within relationships. 497 00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:23,800 Speaker 1: You're right, it happens. But think about what you're saying. 498 00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:26,160 Speaker 2: Excuse and it's like, I how come I'm getting these 499 00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:28,520 Speaker 2: results for people I don't care about, But then when 500 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:31,360 Speaker 2: people I do care about. 501 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:31,080 Speaker 3: I don't know. 502 00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:33,160 Speaker 2: It's weird. I'm oversensitive. 503 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:38,240 Speaker 1: I feel right, That's exactly what I'm saying. I can say, Hey, 504 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:40,200 Speaker 1: I went over your house, you call the police unprovoked. 505 00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:43,400 Speaker 1: I'm not coming to your house anymore, you know what 506 00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:43,720 Speaker 1: I mean? 507 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,239 Speaker 2: Like, she lived with me, so it was like you 508 00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:47,440 Speaker 2: kick her ass out. 509 00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:52,000 Speaker 1: You don't like like, I don't have to keep exposed, Jazz. 510 00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:52,080 Speaker 2: It is. 511 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:56,200 Speaker 1: It is an unusual thing to experience a pain point, 512 00:29:56,280 --> 00:30:00,640 Speaker 1: a problem, a situation, expose myself further to that problem, 513 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,640 Speaker 1: and then be like, why does this keep happening? Because 514 00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:09,600 Speaker 1: you continue to expose yourself to the problem. It's not 515 00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:12,120 Speaker 1: your pattern, it's someone else's. 516 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:14,320 Speaker 2: This is so confusing to me. 517 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:15,960 Speaker 1: We just have a couple of minutes, so I just 518 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:18,840 Speaker 1: want to make sure that I really kind of make 519 00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:23,160 Speaker 1: this clear, because Jazz, it's so funny. You're such an 520 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:24,880 Speaker 1: easy person to respect. 521 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:26,840 Speaker 2: I'm having trouble believing that. 522 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:28,840 Speaker 1: Probably do not believe that. 523 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:31,160 Speaker 2: I mean, like from other people. 524 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:32,600 Speaker 1: You're an easy person for me to respect, And I 525 00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,720 Speaker 1: want to tell you why. There's just one thing I 526 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:37,000 Speaker 1: want you to do differently. I hope that the theme 527 00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:40,080 Speaker 1: of this conversation, which is communicate with honesty and compassion 528 00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:43,880 Speaker 1: is really something you guys can take on board, because 529 00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:48,120 Speaker 1: I think that's important. But like there's just one massive thing, 530 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,680 Speaker 1: like in a pragmatic way, if we are to implement this, 531 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:54,960 Speaker 1: and particularly you, Jazz, it would make a big difference. 532 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,160 Speaker 1: And I'm going to give an example, and I know 533 00:30:57,240 --> 00:30:58,640 Speaker 1: we just have a couple of minutes and then I'm 534 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:00,720 Speaker 1: gonna have to go. But let's say, Jazz, that you 535 00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:05,920 Speaker 1: and I are roommates, okay, And every single time I 536 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:08,160 Speaker 1: come home. I go to work every day, and every 537 00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:12,560 Speaker 1: day about five o'clock I come home and every single 538 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:16,160 Speaker 1: day you shoot me in the face with a dark gun. 539 00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:18,560 Speaker 1: You guys remember those old dart guns with a little 540 00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:21,680 Speaker 1: sticker on the end, like little suction cup boom. Every 541 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:25,600 Speaker 1: single day I come home, Jazz runs up to me 542 00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:28,120 Speaker 1: and she shoots me in the forehead with the little 543 00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:31,320 Speaker 1: dart boom. Every day and every day I tell her 544 00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:34,440 Speaker 1: stop doing that. I hate it, and every single day 545 00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:37,840 Speaker 1: she ignores my request and she does it bam bam. 546 00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:40,120 Speaker 1: Every day doesn't matter, like clockwork. If I come in 547 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:42,400 Speaker 1: the house, she will hit me in the forehead with 548 00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:45,720 Speaker 1: her dark gun. Now here's where Jazz is making the 549 00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:50,240 Speaker 1: mistake and most people make this mistake. We start thinking 550 00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:54,640 Speaker 1: what am I doing wrong? So this person is doing this, 551 00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:58,800 Speaker 1: and then we try to get them to stop. Hey, 552 00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:00,480 Speaker 1: I really don't like that you do that. Can you 553 00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:02,960 Speaker 1: please stop? I've had a really long day at work 554 00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:04,680 Speaker 1: and the last thing I want when I come home 555 00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:06,440 Speaker 1: is be hit with a little suction cup thing in 556 00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:09,240 Speaker 1: my forehead. And then Jazz keeps doing it, and then 557 00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:13,440 Speaker 1: we start thinking, how come they're not respecting me? Why 558 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:16,320 Speaker 1: are they not respecting my wishes? I'm being very clear, 559 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:20,840 Speaker 1: I'm asking them nicely. I'm not doing anything to deserve this. 560 00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:25,320 Speaker 1: Why are they not making the change that I'm requesting? 561 00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:28,920 Speaker 1: And we feel disrespected. That leads us to feeling hurt. 562 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:32,200 Speaker 1: That leads us to feeling undervalued. But Jazz, what I'm 563 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:35,480 Speaker 1: asking you to do is change the original question. The 564 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:40,080 Speaker 1: original question isn't what am I doing to deserve this? 565 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:43,800 Speaker 1: Or why aren't they listening? The original question is this 566 00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:47,520 Speaker 1: is about them? So I can do twe of two 567 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:51,360 Speaker 1: things I can say, well, actually, technically I do one 568 00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:56,200 Speaker 1: of three things. I can say Jazz is shooting me 569 00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:58,920 Speaker 1: with this dart and I don't like it, So I 570 00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:05,120 Speaker 1: can either move out, she can move out, or I 571 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,840 Speaker 1: can continue to remember that this is about her, not me. 572 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:12,480 Speaker 1: But the beautiful thing is all three of these things 573 00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:16,400 Speaker 1: preserve my well being. But the moment I start thinking, 574 00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:19,120 Speaker 1: how do I get them to stop while they're not stopping, 575 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:20,960 Speaker 1: so they're not respecting me and they don't respect me, 576 00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:23,160 Speaker 1: to not feel hurt once you go down that path, 577 00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:27,280 Speaker 1: that is an unwinnable game. It was right if I 578 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,360 Speaker 1: accept this is what Jazz does, she's gonna shoot me 579 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:31,920 Speaker 1: at the dart every day. I can say I don't 580 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:34,520 Speaker 1: like to live here because this is her behavior, or 581 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:36,320 Speaker 1: I can say I don't want her living here because 582 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,520 Speaker 1: there's her behavior. Or I can say I now just 583 00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:42,120 Speaker 1: understand this is about her, so I will not take 584 00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:45,600 Speaker 1: it personally. What I would say, Jazz is you are 585 00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:49,160 Speaker 1: trying to affect other people's behavior, and when they don't change, 586 00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:53,440 Speaker 1: you feel disrespected and understandably so well, what I want 587 00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:56,440 Speaker 1: you to do is to say their behavior is about them. 588 00:33:56,840 --> 00:34:00,160 Speaker 1: I can remove myself. I can remove them, or I cannot. 589 00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:02,760 Speaker 1: I think it personally because I understand it is not 590 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:06,480 Speaker 1: about me. That makes sense. 591 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:09,319 Speaker 2: I have that done those other ones, but that last one, 592 00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:10,000 Speaker 2: all right. 593 00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:14,279 Speaker 1: That makes sense, absolutely perfect have I just I've said 594 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:14,600 Speaker 1: that to you. 595 00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:16,279 Speaker 5: That's not your shit. 596 00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:23,239 Speaker 1: It just isn't about me, So I'm going to let 597 00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:23,520 Speaker 1: it go. 598 00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:27,920 Speaker 2: It is easier said than done, but once it starts 599 00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:29,520 Speaker 2: getting done, it does get easy. 600 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:30,600 Speaker 1: Right. 601 00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:33,200 Speaker 2: I wish I knew this a few months ago. 602 00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:40,080 Speaker 1: But Yeah, today's conversation is really about honesty paired with compassion. 603 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:44,080 Speaker 1: It's about whether understanding the history of our family's trauma 604 00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:49,160 Speaker 1: helps us stop taking everything personally. It's about what transparency 605 00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:52,680 Speaker 1: actually looks like when the stakes are high, when feelings 606 00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:56,560 Speaker 1: are involved, when anxiety shows up, and when old patterns 607 00:34:56,560 --> 00:35:00,759 Speaker 1: get activated, whereas everyone says, these days triggered. As we 608 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:02,919 Speaker 1: come to the end of this session, we heard how 609 00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:08,640 Speaker 1: unspoken histories, unresolved trauma, and personal narratives can influence how 610 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:12,480 Speaker 1: we react, how we interpret words, and how easily we 611 00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:16,920 Speaker 1: feel hurt or misunderstood. We also heard how anxiety often 612 00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:19,279 Speaker 1: shows up not because we don't know what to say, 613 00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:23,800 Speaker 1: but because we are unsure how our truth will be received. 614 00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:27,600 Speaker 1: What this conversation reminds us of is that healing does 615 00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:31,560 Speaker 1: not come from controlling other people's reactions. It comes from 616 00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:35,319 Speaker 1: being clear with ourselves. Did I communicate in a way 617 00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:39,440 Speaker 1: that aligns with who I want to be. When we 618 00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:44,240 Speaker 1: speak honestly with care, we release ourselves from caring responsibility 619 00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:49,800 Speaker 1: for responses shaped by someone else's past. For those listening, 620 00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:55,160 Speaker 1: especially if you're navigating anxiety, family tension, or difficult conversations, 621 00:35:55,719 --> 00:35:59,160 Speaker 1: remember that there is no single tool that works for everyone. 622 00:36:00,239 --> 00:36:06,120 Speaker 1: Is personal. Communication is personal. Healing is personal. I want 623 00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:08,520 Speaker 1: to connect to this conversation to the bigger picture of 624 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:12,880 Speaker 1: family therapy because this isn't a one off issue. This 625 00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:18,240 Speaker 1: is the work. What you heard today is what boundary 626 00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:23,239 Speaker 1: setting actually sounds like in real life. Not ultimatums, not 627 00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:26,880 Speaker 1: cutting people off in silence, but learning to say I 628 00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:31,840 Speaker 1: can be honest, compassionate and still choose who and what 629 00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:37,279 Speaker 1: I allow access to. I cannot stress this enough. Boundaries 630 00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:43,000 Speaker 1: are not about controlling other people's behaviors. That's manipulation. Boundaries. 631 00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:47,359 Speaker 1: Healthy boundaries are about deciding what you will do when 632 00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:53,520 Speaker 1: that behavior doesn't change what you will do. This series 633 00:36:53,600 --> 00:36:57,200 Speaker 1: is about helping families see each other more clearly without 634 00:36:57,280 --> 00:37:01,680 Speaker 1: taking not emotional weight that doesn't belong to them. If 635 00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:04,960 Speaker 1: any part of this conversation resonated within you, take a 636 00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:08,560 Speaker 1: moment and sit with these questions, because the questions that 637 00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:14,640 Speaker 1: we ask ourselves inspire the answers for tomorrow's outcome. Am 638 00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:17,080 Speaker 1: I being honest in a way that still reflects the 639 00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:24,640 Speaker 1: person I want to be? Am I speaking my truth? 640 00:37:25,239 --> 00:37:28,360 Speaker 1: Or am I silencing myself to manage someone else's reaction? 641 00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:38,000 Speaker 1: What reactions? Am I taking responsibility for that actually belonged 642 00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:47,239 Speaker 1: to someone else's history? If love is present, what does 643 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:55,799 Speaker 1: healthy love require from me right now? What boundary would 644 00:37:55,880 --> 00:38:02,680 Speaker 1: reduce my anxiety not increase my guilt? If I knew 645 00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:10,359 Speaker 1: this reaction wasn't about me, how differently would I respond? 646 00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:14,360 Speaker 1: The shift that we are aiming for isn't about changing 647 00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:17,480 Speaker 1: the other person. It's about changing the way we carry 648 00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:22,319 Speaker 1: ourselves through the difficult conversations with others and sometimes with 649 00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:29,960 Speaker 1: our senters. I would love to hear from you about 650 00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:33,720 Speaker 1: your healing journey, your family, and your feedback, Leave a review, 651 00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:37,000 Speaker 1: send a DM, connect with me on socials at Elliott's Peaks, 652 00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:38,920 Speaker 1: and you can also send me a text message to 653 00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:42,000 Speaker 1: nine seven two four two six two six four zero. 654 00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:45,839 Speaker 1: Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and the Black 655 00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:49,360 Speaker 1: Effect Podcast Network. Special Thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. 656 00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:53,040 Speaker 1: It's produced by Jack Queise Thomas and the executive producer 657 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:56,680 Speaker 1: Dolly S. S Fisher. For more podcasts from The Black Effect, 658 00:38:56,840 --> 00:38:59,799 Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your 659 00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:04,040 Speaker 1: favorite shows. The content presented on the Family Therapy Podcast 660 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:07,000 Speaker 1: serves solely for educational and informational purposes. It should not 661 00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:09,759 Speaker 1: be considered a replacement for personalized medical or mental health 662 00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:12,800 Speaker 1: guidance and does not constitute a provider of patient relationship. 663 00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:15,520 Speaker 1: It is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or 664 00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:18,279 Speaker 1: health team for any specific concern or questions you may 665 00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:18,400 Speaker 1: have