Speaker 1: Look man, Oh I see you? Why I look over there?
Speaker 1: How is that nulture? Yes? Goodness, ladies and gentlemen, please
Speaker 1: give a big round of applause for tonight's hosts, Matt
Speaker 1: Rogers and Joe Kim Booster. Hello, everybody, Hello, or should
Speaker 1: I say ding dong? Lost culture? Restas calling? But what's up? Bowing? Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: you guys, I'm furious. I just realized this outfit's gonna
Speaker 1: be hidden behind a fucking fold out table for the
Speaker 1: whole night. Um, but they can see your crown, they
Speaker 1: can see my crown. That is true, you guys. Matt
Speaker 1: had the audacity to email everybody on the show tonight
Speaker 1: and tell them explicitly turn a look, and then he
Speaker 1: comes looking like a colds catalog. I'm wearing basics and
Speaker 1: basics are in for gay men. I hear sure, sure, sure,
Speaker 1: I was told by cast sumber on the show tonight.
Speaker 1: I gret a title mean that I looked like a
Speaker 1: hot l a gay in sure. Sure, sure, sure, But
Speaker 1: these people literally risk their lives coming here in the rain.
Speaker 1: Can I say if you bought a ticket to this
Speaker 1: event and you didn't show up because of the rain,
Speaker 1: I don't think so. Honey, I have to tell you
Speaker 1: this is the one thing about l A. I've lived
Speaker 1: here for a year and I still cannot get over
Speaker 1: how fucking insane this city goes when it rains. Um,
Speaker 1: Like everyone has to talk about it. I just like,
Speaker 1: I haven't lived here long enough that rain is like
Speaker 1: a good predication for a conversation. No, Like, I'm told
Speaker 1: that it does so less than five days a year.
Speaker 1: Is this true? Is this a real figure? I got
Speaker 1: a lot of meteorocts. It's rained like five times in
Speaker 1: the last seven days. Um. Is this as cold as it? Guy?
Speaker 1: This is about as cool as it gets, and it's miserable.
Speaker 1: I didn't move here for this ship. Um. I certainly
Speaker 1: didn't come here for six days time for this ship
Speaker 1: for imperfection? Can I can I say really quickly about
Speaker 1: the on some you can say, Um, this is exactly
Speaker 1: what Bowen Yang wore to the last live show that
Speaker 1: he was at. He literally wore this just because I
Speaker 1: wanted to make it easier for you guys, you know,
Speaker 1: like I didn't want to shock you with a new
Speaker 1: co host. You know, like I wanted to make it
Speaker 1: as easy as possible. We're both Asian we're both wearing
Speaker 1: the same thing. Um, waiting patiently for I don't want
Speaker 1: to come up and be like, I love your guys
Speaker 1: podcast so I can hit you. Please don't confuse us. Um,
Speaker 1: this this outfit is a trap. Um, we should say
Speaker 1: this is Joel Cambuster and I am Matt Rockers. Hi. Hi,
Speaker 1: And this is so funny. This is I don't Think
Speaker 1: so Honey Live. That's so funny to me our second
Speaker 1: ever in Los Angeles, Jolie. Does anybody here not know
Speaker 1: what I don't think? So Honey Live means spiritually? So
Speaker 1: you guys who yeah, spiritually and logistically you know what
Speaker 1: it is. Woman, Okay, they're all ashamed. They're raising their
Speaker 1: hand like they're in a sociology classroom. Okay, let's do this.
Speaker 1: Who listens to the podcast? I live for people who
Speaker 1: raise their hands? You raise your hand like a good
Speaker 1: class A little hufflepuffs are little raven claws. Ah, it's
Speaker 1: actually rule of culture number four. All fans of lost
Speaker 1: cultures are hufflepuffs, proudly hufflepuffs, leather and rising. You gotta
Speaker 1: be to make it in this bizz. You gotta be
Speaker 1: one or the other. No, but it cares if you're
Speaker 1: fucking brave when you're going to an audition, bitch. Okay,
Speaker 1: well wait, what is it? Does it make me a Slytherin?
Speaker 1: If I talk about frequently how I'm a Griffin? Door,
Speaker 1: is that like Slytherin? I think it's like one of
Speaker 1: those things where like you're the sorting hat is like
Speaker 1: your by right, Yeah, okay when you find out when
Speaker 1: you find out that the sorting hat was really there,
Speaker 1: just as like what would you call it? Like sort
Speaker 1: of he was just kind of there, like he really
Speaker 1: let you decide. It's like, why the fund do we
Speaker 1: even have him? Just let people tell you what they
Speaker 1: want to be in, and you know, you go to
Speaker 1: the Wizarding World, you can't even put the hat on.
Speaker 1: That's my big criticism of the Wizarding World is that
Speaker 1: I want to go to Harry Potter and find out
Speaker 1: where I truly belong, and they do not do that.
Speaker 1: They let you pick your own scar for forty four
Speaker 1: dollars and you know, I have one of each for
Speaker 1: what for? However, I'm feeling during that day, have you
Speaker 1: made it to any of the parks this trip? No?
Speaker 1: I wanted to go. Remember we walked. We were driving
Speaker 1: like this and from me York. He doesn't know. Um.
Speaker 1: So we were driving down the road and there was
Speaker 1: one sign for visiting World of Harry Potter Universal, and
Speaker 1: there was one sign for Disneyland. And I was like,
Speaker 1: we have to go, and it's impossible to go this trip.
Speaker 1: We're just too tiley scheduled. But I said for next time,
Speaker 1: we must go. And then he revealed he had never
Speaker 1: been never been to a park, never been to a Disney,
Speaker 1: never been to him. He's a six flags queen. I'm
Speaker 1: a six flag squeen. I'm trash and I have a
Speaker 1: death wish. Um. Oh, the the odds of you dying
Speaker 1: and a six flags are extraordinarily Hi. Can I say
Speaker 1: some beef with you? Really quickly? With me? Personal? Yeah,
Speaker 1: with you? I want to reveal it to everyone in
Speaker 1: front of you. Um. Why you guys? You and Bowe
Speaker 1: when you do these shows, you always start with a
Speaker 1: song you do like a dance a song or something
Speaker 1: like that. And I'm really sad that you didn't ask
Speaker 1: me to sing, especially because I famously have a much
Speaker 1: better voice than bow And Um perfect pitch, um pitch
Speaker 1: is relative. Um, it's subjective. Good singing is subjective, and
Speaker 1: in my world I have a much better voice than
Speaker 1: Bowen and everybody knows that. And I want to get this.
Speaker 1: Do not cut this. First of all, you can deal
Speaker 1: with his rath when he hears that you believe, I'll
Speaker 1: never see him again. I'll never see him again. He
Speaker 1: only exists in Like, what song would we have sang?
Speaker 1: Because I thought about it. I thought we could have
Speaker 1: done Suddenly Seymour, But that would have just been for
Speaker 1: you because I don't know that song. I have a
Speaker 1: I have a cultural blind set for um, what's that
Speaker 1: Little Shop? Yeah? Well, literally, I don't know. And I
Speaker 1: was in Little Shop in high school and Audrey to
Speaker 1: the voice of Audrey two in my high school direction
Speaker 1: of Little Shop was winner. Yeah did you say the winner?
Speaker 1: Did I? I think you had a Freudian moment and
Speaker 1: you said the winner of Repaul's drag. I must have
Speaker 1: had a stroke. All stars ten. Oh god, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: That's why, Joel. You would have had to show up
Speaker 1: on time to rehearse a okay number. But you're in
Speaker 1: l A. Shows up on time in l A. Essentially,
Speaker 1: I can get here on a plane. Y'all can get
Speaker 1: here in the rain. But wait, here's the thing. I
Speaker 1: know some of you who may follow me on Twitter
Speaker 1: know that there's been a great mystery surrounding me for
Speaker 1: the past several days. And that is which West Hollywood
Speaker 1: gay bar did I take a ship in? And, quite frankly,
Speaker 1: when he told me, I was shocked. I was rocked
Speaker 1: to my core because it is a disgusting place to
Speaker 1: take a show. I'm raising the stakes. Wait, where's the music? People? O?
Speaker 1: The West Hollywood gay bar where I took a ship
Speaker 1: on Sunday, fully blacked out at six pm was wait chapel. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he mind you. We were at three separate bars with single,
Speaker 1: single occupancy bathrooms. That he could have done this and
Speaker 1: it's just one strip of bars. He could have walked
Speaker 1: back over to beaches and took a ship in beaches.
Speaker 1: But no, you said I want to do it in
Speaker 1: front of the people. Um no, there was a door.
Speaker 1: Although I will say this chapel has those kind of
Speaker 1: urinals and this is one of my I don't think so.
Speaker 1: Honey's Chapel has those kind of urinals where you just
Speaker 1: line up and everyone's in full of view a trough.
Speaker 1: If you will, thank you for that that cultural knowledge
Speaker 1: and know how. Um, but in a gay bar, that's
Speaker 1: just like everyone showing each other their dicks. Right the
Speaker 1: guy next to me like whipped his dick out like
Speaker 1: two ft away from the urinal and like, it's a
Speaker 1: beautiful part of our culture. It's a beautiful part of
Speaker 1: and I, and we're all verbally commented on it. We
Speaker 1: were all like healthy cock, Like, hey, got exactly what
Speaker 1: he has for so clinical, Um, are you fearing with
Speaker 1: l A? Do you like it? Oh? I like l A.
Speaker 1: Can I give you a little piece of Oh thank god?
Speaker 1: So say goodbye to all your rules. I'm here to
Speaker 1: scoop them up. I can't wait to see that under
Speaker 1: five on momk Um, I think I'd be good on mom. Actually,
Speaker 1: I think you'd be great on mom as well. Here's
Speaker 1: my thing, because I'm not grounded. You're going to meet
Speaker 1: so many people, and this is my beef. This would
Speaker 1: have been my I don't think so, honey tonight if
Speaker 1: I were doing a pre select But like, don't you're
Speaker 1: gonna meet so many people, do not? Um? The people
Speaker 1: who feel the need to be like, oh no, we've
Speaker 1: already met before. Fuck off? Um, how dare you. I
Speaker 1: am thirty years old and half the life that I
Speaker 1: plan on leaving living. Okay, that's half my life span.
Speaker 1: I've met so many goddamn people. And if you want
Speaker 1: me to remember you, bab but here's here's my advice
Speaker 1: for you, is that That's what I started to do
Speaker 1: to avoid this trap. Is I never say nice to
Speaker 1: meet you anymore. I only ever said good to see you,
Speaker 1: and if and if this ever to continue the conversation,
Speaker 1: I also always go how long have you been out here? Now?
Speaker 1: I was saying, have you been out here now? Well,
Speaker 1: it's working for me this year because I'm new and
Speaker 1: so like anybody I've met has probably only I met
Speaker 1: in Chicago or York, and so it's been working swimmingly. Honestly,
Speaker 1: do you ever do this? Do you ever do like?
Speaker 1: Do you guys know each other and they go I
Speaker 1: think so Kayla, and she goes Alexa, and they're like,
Speaker 1: and then you know who they are a useful tool
Speaker 1: for everyone. It's really it's really dicey to do that
Speaker 1: around groups of game en though, because there are not
Speaker 1: a lot of people. Know that there are only sixteen
Speaker 1: gay men in l A. And they're all named Chris. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and it's tough. It's tough because they all have met
Speaker 1: in the back room of Auspinoff. You know. Um so
Speaker 1: it is wrap. That was a shout out for five
Speaker 1: people who go are you guys? Current events are happening
Speaker 1: as we speak. I just wanted to address I wanted
Speaker 1: to address my favorite news item of today, which will
Speaker 1: be irrelevant in three weeks when we released this, but
Speaker 1: I feel we must speak on it. Natalie Portman and
Speaker 1: Jessica Simpson are feuding and we gotta address it. I
Speaker 1: would feel irresponsible as a law culture sta if I
Speaker 1: didn't sit here and say team Jessica, no, you stupid,
Speaker 1: you are go to school to school, you talking bitch?
Speaker 1: You were Thomas person, you were. You are stupid? No,
Speaker 1: you were the talk never speaks there You come for
Speaker 1: Queen Ama Dolla. She was. She gave you everything, she
Speaker 1: was got off. She bought her life on the line
Speaker 1: for the Republic. Honey, That actress means a good director.
Speaker 1: If she does to have a good director, she's at
Speaker 1: c at you like all those fucking sea chickens. That
Speaker 1: Jessica Simpson. Honest to god, you know it's a billion dollars.
Speaker 1: You say the name of Jessica Simpson. She somehow makes
Speaker 1: a business dollar. Natalie Portman was not talking ship or
Speaker 1: judging Jessica Simpson in that quote. Natalie Portman was very
Speaker 1: rightly saying that the messaging in that era was confused,
Speaker 1: that we were expecting for women to be both virgins
Speaker 1: and sexual. That is what she meant. And why attack
Speaker 1: you read read a book, read a different books. Book
Speaker 1: you read a different read one single book I have read.
Speaker 1: I have read oupards of four teen books, all the
Speaker 1: Harry Potter's in Cold Blood and all the like six
Speaker 1: of the Lady comedy autobiographies Bossy Pants. I loved it.
Speaker 1: Fuck you, I can't. You would be team Natalie. And
Speaker 1: also this because I have to, I have to say something.
Speaker 1: If I feel irresponsible, irresponsive, I don't say this. When
Speaker 1: we saw the trailer for A Star is Born, Joel
Speaker 1: said in a group chat called Twink Corrors, which is
Speaker 1: the name of our group chat, although it's not as
Speaker 1: good as the one with your l A Gays, which
Speaker 1: is called Destroyer in her first that's very good. I
Speaker 1: said that A Star Is Born looked phinnomen and then
Speaker 1: Joel said he was going to be contrary, and no
Speaker 1: matter what, that is not what I said. It was.
Speaker 1: It was implied. Well, thank god the movie was dogshit
Speaker 1: and I was right. So you are here. You are
Speaker 1: here to create enemies, and I'm here to say, is
Speaker 1: Natalie Aportman playing you fix your crown? Is Natalie Aportman
Speaker 1: playing Lady Gaga? She's absolutely playing Lady Gaga. She's doing
Speaker 1: full God. There's a literal moment, I think in the
Speaker 1: trailer for vox Lux where she says, put your paws
Speaker 1: up like I'm almost I don't think so calling it.
Speaker 1: I don't think so honey, calling it vox Lux when
Speaker 1: we have an a on Flux right box Lux, It
Speaker 1: is hard to say vox looks like I want to
Speaker 1: go down to the corner store and get a box
Speaker 1: Lux and everything Babel with a vox Lux, you know,
Speaker 1: sounds good, good dialect work I'm doing. So here's the
Speaker 1: here's the real deal. We're here tonight to do. I
Speaker 1: don't think so, honey, live It's not just gonna be
Speaker 1: me screaming at that to read. Although I think he
Speaker 1: Joel thinks that he's the fucking ship because he was
Speaker 1: a competitive Bible quizzer. So whatever the funk that means,
Speaker 1: and memorize a lot of ship. Okay, So what we're
Speaker 1: gonna do tonight is do I don't think so, honey,
Speaker 1: which is sixty seconds of rants from everyone coming up
Speaker 1: on this stage. Fifty comedians. People are gonna come up
Speaker 1: here and they're gonna do sixties second rants on something
Speaker 1: in pop culture that just have something to say about.
Speaker 1: And um, so I guess we should demonstrate how that
Speaker 1: will go. When you say, Joel, I think that's a
Speaker 1: good idea. So let me break out my phone, which
Speaker 1: will act as a time or which I shattered on
Speaker 1: the street of West Hollywood on Sunday. Should use mine
Speaker 1: that's fully protected by it. Okay, Yeah, I ordered a
Speaker 1: case from our merch store on t Public and so
Speaker 1: can you all right, So I'm gonna go first with
Speaker 1: a pre prepared I don't think so honey topic. There
Speaker 1: are two options tonight, So I'm gonna show you what
Speaker 1: it's like to rehearse and prepare. Here we go. Okay,
Speaker 1: are you guys ready for this? Matt? Okay, he's there. Um, Matt, yes,
Speaker 1: your I don't think so honey. You're gonna like this
Speaker 1: one time starts now? I don't think so, honey, balloons. Balloons,
Speaker 1: you are fucking loud when you pop. I don't fucking
Speaker 1: think so. Every time I'm around you, I look at
Speaker 1: you in my instinct is to be afraid. And yeah,
Speaker 1: you parade around saying we are for fun. In fact,
Speaker 1: oftentimes you say fun things such as happy birthday. But
Speaker 1: guess what, it doesn't fucking matter when I'm cowering in
Speaker 1: the corner of it because the pop sound. Also, balloons,
Speaker 1: can you take a time to blow up? I don't
Speaker 1: think so, honey, I could be taking that time mixing drinks,
Speaker 1: creating cocktails. In my mind a very creative person. I
Speaker 1: don't think so, honey, balloons. You are rubber, plastic and
Speaker 1: rubber correct um. So oftentimes what happens when you do
Speaker 1: pop as you become much smaller and you get eaten
Speaker 1: by dogs or kids that travel on the ground like
Speaker 1: a dog. I don't think so, honey, balloons. The air
Speaker 1: should be in my lungs. And that's one man and
Speaker 1: Matt Rogers everybody that was good. I don't know why
Speaker 1: you thought I would be against that. I hate balloons
Speaker 1: as well. If you famously say that you don't like
Speaker 1: I don't think so Honey's dead or not about specific
Speaker 1: pop cultural I don't like latex, I don't like rubber,
Speaker 1: I don't do it right. Wait, do you want to
Speaker 1: explain what I'm about to do? So you go over
Speaker 1: there and stand over there so they can see your
Speaker 1: outfit because I know that's what you want, a little tucked.
Speaker 1: So this is the troll bowl everyone. So the troll
Speaker 1: ball is filled with topics that are difficult to go
Speaker 1: negative on, but you absolutely must, um prior, I don't
Speaker 1: think so, honey. Trouball topics have included Princess Diana, Jean Benet, Ramsey,
Speaker 1: Julie Andrews and the like. But we are going to
Speaker 1: see what Joel is gonna get here, and he must
Speaker 1: go negative on it. Okay, wow, bitch, all right, Joel
Speaker 1: Kim Booster your I don't think so, honey. Topic is
Speaker 1: the pop singer Ariana Grande Goodness and your time starts now.
Speaker 1: I don't think so Honey, Ariana Grande day you are
Speaker 1: anti queer up our ready? Yes, I saw your video
Speaker 1: for thank You Next, and I have one word to
Speaker 1: say to that. No, um, you use three very basic
Speaker 1: pop culture touchstones. How dare you use mean girls for
Speaker 1: most of the video, but not bring back Lindsay loo Ann.
Speaker 1: She needed that, she needed a win, honey, and you
Speaker 1: didn't give it to her. But Aaron Samuel's, who is
Speaker 1: maybe a cycling instructor in West Hollywood right now, he
Speaker 1: already has the world. Okay. And I will tell you
Speaker 1: another thing, Ariana Grande, you should have used video movie
Speaker 1: references from Nancy Myers films because the message of every
Speaker 1: Nancy Meyers film is thank you next. Okay. So in conclusion,
Speaker 1: Ariana Grande, I would like to say, if you're gonna
Speaker 1: use pop culture references in the future, please make sure
Speaker 1: you check with the editors in chief into magazine Joe
Speaker 1: Kim boo to everybody, but we're fabulous. I will say this.
Speaker 1: At the Bellhouse the other night we did a New
Speaker 1: York show. I didn't I don't think so, honey, thank
Speaker 1: you Next. And that was the day it was released,
Speaker 1: and the audience tried to kill me. They tried to
Speaker 1: kill me. But here's the thing, we've seen those movies.
Speaker 1: We know. I will say, the best performance in the
Speaker 1: video it's not what you think it is. Of course,
Speaker 1: the Jennifer Garner wig I do love that she did randomly.
Speaker 1: She put thirteen going on thirty on the same level
Speaker 1: as Bring It on Me and girls and uh whatever,
Speaker 1: that it was a choice, and it's amazing. It's an
Speaker 1: amazing movie. It proves that Jennifer Garner is the start.
Speaker 1: But that way, yes. But here's the thing. If you're
Speaker 1: going to do thirteen going on thirty and you're doing
Speaker 1: like the classic teangs from all these movies, you do
Speaker 1: the best scene from thirteen going on thirty wishes were
Speaker 1: they danced to thriller, not the end of the movie
Speaker 1: where she's sad at someone else's wedding. And if you're
Speaker 1: gonna do that, bring in Mark Ruffalo. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I famously let break my arm And it is insane
Speaker 1: to Jennifer Coolidge, is seen in that video is in
Speaker 1: a trust and like it is crazy. It is like
Speaker 1: they spent ten years working on those looks. And then
Speaker 1: Jennifer Coolis showed up to set and she was like,
Speaker 1: where are the sides? Where's the script? Script? Oh no,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I was supposed to write it, but I
Speaker 1: was tracking down a Jennifer Garner wig. All right, So
Speaker 1: that's a full thorough I don't think so, honey. On,
Speaker 1: thank you nas, and now are you ready to get
Speaker 1: the show. We have one last thing we need to
Speaker 1: before we announced the names ritual, which is I never
Speaker 1: got to our sponsors, Double Scorpio Poppers. Um, he took
Speaker 1: a big one. That's a big one. It is big.
Speaker 1: Oh god, Okay, they're autisanal. It's a cute bottle. Is
Speaker 1: a cute bottle. Everyone. This first group coming to the
Speaker 1: stage is called everyone. Please give it up for Lauren Holt.
Speaker 1: Please give it up for election j and give it
Speaker 1: up for Kennas Thompson to me a favorite star, respecting
Speaker 1: Big Dipper. And finally, Honey, I want you to turn
Speaker 1: your attention from planet I'm trying Alaska thunderful icons amongst us,
Speaker 1: a standing ovation. We gotta go. Lauren Holt has to
Speaker 1: get to modnight. Everyone, please welcome Laurens. Lauren Halt, my friend,
Speaker 1: let me ask you. Are we doing a trouble? Are
Speaker 1: we doing it prepared? I don't think so, honey, honey,
Speaker 1: we're doing it prepared. I don't think so. Heny homework,
Speaker 1: Lauren Halt, it's time for your I don't think so, honey,
Speaker 1: And your time starts now. I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: Fucking motorcycles. Okay, yes, if you live in l A,
Speaker 1: then you know my pain. Alright, motorcycles are the straight
Speaker 1: white men of vehicles. Can they think they can go
Speaker 1: wherever the funk they want? They can park on the
Speaker 1: fucking sidewalk. I guess that's so fun. They can also
Speaker 1: just go between cars on the highway. What's happening? Am
Speaker 1: I crazy? No? I'm not. I'm a responsible driver. Learn
Speaker 1: how to drive a car. It shall protect you. It
Speaker 1: is not our fault if you get hit. Okay, so
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. Do not give me the finger as I
Speaker 1: give you one when you go through my lane. Okay,
Speaker 1: you can wait. You can wait as we all have
Speaker 1: to in this traffic hole of a place. Am I right?
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey. Motorcycles see you at your funerals.
Speaker 1: And that's one manute. That was Lauren Halt. Then um
Speaker 1: then um, that's what I like to see, those motorcycles
Speaker 1: that go from from whatever they want. I do think
Speaker 1: that crap rockets. I've always identified as Asian males, not
Speaker 1: white males. But and with that and that conversation will continue.
Speaker 1: Everyone welcome, let's jes a Hello, darling. Hi, Hi, So
Speaker 1: talk to me about troll ball, which is very much
Speaker 1: here versus pre prepared. I don't think so honey. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna do a little something I've been steaming about. Okay,
Speaker 1: you steam, and let's hear it. This is election cheese.
Speaker 1: I don't think so honeys it begins now. I don't
Speaker 1: think so honey. Apple store employees who tell me to
Speaker 1: call Apple support while I'm standing at the Genius bar, fitch,
Speaker 1: I am trying to talk to Apple. If I am
Speaker 1: paying three thousand dollars for a computer, I want to
Speaker 1: walk into the Apple store, have someone dropped to their
Speaker 1: knees and suck my dick, not wait two hours for
Speaker 1: a text message later appointment time. I am a writer performer.
Speaker 1: I need my laptop twelve hours a day. I need
Speaker 1: a laptop that can handle me opening a final draft
Speaker 1: screenplay document, quickly minimizing it, and then scrolling through Toddlers
Speaker 1: but now Toppler's band Born. So what the funk am
Speaker 1: I supposed to look at all day? Steve Jobs? Did
Speaker 1: God work his way through pancreatic cancer and neglect his
Speaker 1: entire family? For that's the street. So let me tell
Speaker 1: you something. We got a rule of culture. It's rule
Speaker 1: of culture number thirty three. When I go to the
Speaker 1: Apple store, suck my dick. I was told by Apple
Speaker 1: Care that I can walk in and get the orally
Speaker 1: serves everyone welcome, Candice tops. So here's the thing. We
Speaker 1: got the trooth balls right around the table, and we
Speaker 1: also got a beautiful mindful of ideas. I'm sure, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go with my mind. Go with your mind, Thompson,
Speaker 1: your I don't think so, honey. Time starts now. I
Speaker 1: don't think so, honey. Forty year old fun boys. If
Speaker 1: you are a forty year old man and you have
Speaker 1: ever uttered the phrase I'm not ready to settle down,
Speaker 1: stop it. You a fun boy. If you are a
Speaker 1: forty year old man you've ever posted a pic on
Speaker 1: Instagram of you holding a friend's baby with the caption
Speaker 1: underneath that says, this will be me, this will be
Speaker 1: me dot dot dot one day. Stop it. You're a
Speaker 1: funck boy. If you are a forty old man that
Speaker 1: has ever said, does the Spidora go with these shoes?
Speaker 1: Stop it? You are a funk boy, all right? What
Speaker 1: the funk are you waiting on? Just admit that the
Speaker 1: only thing that you have to offer is dick, because
Speaker 1: if anybody got too close to you and found out
Speaker 1: your real personality, they would find out you suck and
Speaker 1: they would dump your ass and stop trying to fuck me.
Speaker 1: If I wanted to have sex without commitment, I would
Speaker 1: be a gay man five seconds last or not least, Honey,
Speaker 1: I don't think so, ladies that enabled that ship. Some
Speaker 1: of us want real relationships, like Jennifer Aniston. That's one
Speaker 1: us contus times and everybody that was it. I love
Speaker 1: it when you're at Jen Aniston right there in the
Speaker 1: end of Yes scooping in Jen Aniston one of the best.
Speaker 1: I don't think so. Honey has never had nothing to
Speaker 1: do with Lena dNaM And at the end they were
Speaker 1: like duck leon Adonnham. There's always time, There's always time,
Speaker 1: and we love Lena. Now everyone, let's take a dip
Speaker 1: into the big dipper. That felt like a personal attack.
Speaker 1: That's all I've got. Okay, fuck boy, are we gonna
Speaker 1: fuck this trouble? Are we gonna talk about our own thoughts.
Speaker 1: It's a tempting hole, but I'm gonna go with a
Speaker 1: pre prepared It's all orange and red too pre prepared. Okay,
Speaker 1: this is the big Dippers. I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: It's time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Guys
Speaker 1: who want to have a conversation with me after I
Speaker 1: sucked them off, I found you on an app that
Speaker 1: was specifically made for hooking up, not for finding a friend.
Speaker 1: So I don't think so, honey. I don't care what
Speaker 1: your real name is, and I'm not gonna tell you,
Speaker 1: like what part of l A I live in, because
Speaker 1: that would reveal that I drove thirty five minutes at
Speaker 1: eleven o'clock at night to suck you off in your garage.
Speaker 1: Your entire family was asleep inside the house. I don't
Speaker 1: think so, honey. If you want to know about my sibling,
Speaker 1: or if I watched the handmade stale are messaging on
Speaker 1: the app was essentially a contract of intended services. I
Speaker 1: intended to come to the house, dropped to my knees
Speaker 1: and open my mouth, and you intended to hold my
Speaker 1: head and fuck my throat like a But that's what
Speaker 1: I meant it. Thank you very deep for everyone. It's true.
Speaker 1: What is there left to say? After we've completed our task?
Speaker 1: I'm through I don't even want to look them in
Speaker 1: the eyes. Everyone, please to cap off this group. Please
Speaker 1: fucking welcome Alaska fun. Oh my word, So listen, you
Speaker 1: are a famous for your dives into the troll ball.
Speaker 1: But I but I know you probably have ideas. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna keep it up to you. What do you want
Speaker 1: to do here tonight, ALASKI no, um, I would like
Speaker 1: to do a pre prepare I love that. I want
Speaker 1: to hear. I didn't prepare it, but someone else. Okay.
Speaker 1: I have all the faith in the world, and your
Speaker 1: interpretation of this Alaska thunder fuck your time starts now.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey, the world. I don't have
Speaker 1: to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad.
Speaker 1: It's a depression. Everybody's out of work, is scared of
Speaker 1: losing their job. Shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter,
Speaker 1: punks are running wild in the street, and there's nobody
Speaker 1: anywhere seems to know what to do that we know
Speaker 1: the errand isn't fit to breed, and our food isn't
Speaker 1: fit to eat. We sit watching while some local newscaster
Speaker 1: tells that today we had sixteen homicides and three violent crimes,
Speaker 1: and if that's the way it's supposed to be. We
Speaker 1: know things are bad. Worse than bad, They're crazy. It's
Speaker 1: like everything everywhere is going crazy. So we don't go
Speaker 1: out anymore. We sit in the house and slowly the
Speaker 1: world we're living in is getting smaller and already. Please
Speaker 1: at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let
Speaker 1: me have my toaster, my TV and my steel belted
Speaker 1: radios that I won't say anything. Just leave us alone. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to
Speaker 1: get bad. I want you to say I'm a human being,
Speaker 1: goddamn it. I want you to get up right now,
Speaker 1: stick your head out the window and yell. I'm as
Speaker 1: mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this. I'm
Speaker 1: as wed. I'm not gonna take this anymore. And I
Speaker 1: do think so, honey, Alaska thunder fuck has thunder fucked
Speaker 1: us all with the truth of the world unbelievable, and
Speaker 1: we raise our pappers to you. I want a divorce.
Speaker 1: This is Eureka and Aquario all. This is really what
Speaker 1: that is. Alexis jes A Tender Sampson, Big Dipper and
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Speaker 1: free in the studio. Quaken everyone, We're gonna move on
Speaker 1: to our next group. It's called there could be a
Speaker 1: hundred people in a room. We got we got gambling now,
Speaker 1: we got call w down, we got Massive Tree and
Speaker 1: SABA All Stars all Stars. It's an all star group.
Speaker 1: All right, He'll be ga, it's your time to the
Speaker 1: mic Hi Hi, So talk to me about this because
Speaker 1: there is a trouble in fact on the table and
Speaker 1: then you know you got it up here. That's I
Speaker 1: think I'm gonna do one off the dome. I love that.
Speaker 1: Don't love that? Did you? I know your time starts now?
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey, coal miners, whoa okay, we
Speaker 1: get it. You lost your jobs, raping and pillaging Mother Earth?
Speaker 1: And boy are you pissed? Go off? You know who
Speaker 1: else lost their jobs due to the unending March of
Speaker 1: time travel agents, Blockbuster employees, quill pen manufacturers, the Pony Express. Okay,
Speaker 1: and do you know what these people did? They didn't
Speaker 1: wine on CNN over and over. They got a new
Speaker 1: job and they moved on Okay, okay. So basically, call's
Speaker 1: not coming back, honey. And if you think so, honey,
Speaker 1: I don't think so. Honey. There you go five seconds?
Speaker 1: Is there anything else? I love you, guys. I know
Speaker 1: it's for her. She's running. And you know what, you
Speaker 1: don't hear a fucking peep from Blockbuster employees. They're out
Speaker 1: there trying to get new work. I bet they all
Speaker 1: work at Netflix now, honestly. Alright, Gay bledman, you're up, Gabe,
Speaker 1: love Gabe. What's it gonna be? What's it gonna you?
Speaker 1: Like this ball? Um? You like that? I like a
Speaker 1: lot of things about the ball, but there's something else
Speaker 1: I'd rather talk about. I get it. But I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be so happy for someone who chooses from the ball.
Speaker 1: And later on we will celebrate, we will celebrate the person.
Speaker 1: But in the meantime. This is gay Blieman's I don't
Speaker 1: think so, honey, and it's time starts now. Okay, I
Speaker 1: don't think so, honey. Actors who choose to eat an
Speaker 1: apple like with a little life and pop each little
Speaker 1: piece of apple in their mouth so fucking confidently because
Speaker 1: they think it's so seductive. How many times are you
Speaker 1: gonna cut your fucking thumb before you choose to eat
Speaker 1: an apple like a human being. I would honestly rather
Speaker 1: watch someone eat an apple like fucking Mr Peeper's or
Speaker 1: fucking a boot from Aladdin. Just machine gun it, get
Speaker 1: it everywhere. That is better than the neatness that bullshit implies.
Speaker 1: What do you have syphilis? Where are we the Mulan Rouge?
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey. That's how would eat an apple?
Speaker 1: And he's fake? Was that my time? Thank you everyone?
Speaker 1: What are we the Mulan Rouge? Y? Let me ask
Speaker 1: you a question. What are we in the Mulan Rouge?
Speaker 1: Well you ponder that, everyone, Please welcome Paul. What a honk?
Speaker 1: I fucking love this man, alright, Paul, always have, always will.
Speaker 1: I think we talked about this a little back stage,
Speaker 1: I think, but no one's done the troll, but I
Speaker 1: want you to follow your heart. Somebody really loves the ball. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: trouble Okay, Okay, here I go, Paul, here I fucking go.
Speaker 1: All right. Okay, Wait, if I don't know what, if
Speaker 1: I don't know the person, you know it. And if
Speaker 1: you don't, you know it. And if you don't, there's
Speaker 1: a serious issue. This. This is a one. I wrote
Speaker 1: it out as one name. All I wrote was Mariah,
Speaker 1: and I think I meant Mariah Carey knowing myself. So,
Speaker 1: Paul w downs your trouble, Murrah Carrie, your time starts now.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, Haney, Mariah Carrey. Do you have
Speaker 1: a left ear? The hell's your left ear? Maria? Why
Speaker 1: are we always gotta see this? Why is the hair
Speaker 1: always in front of that ear? When you got bluetooth
Speaker 1: in there? So your assistants always on call? Come on, Maria,
Speaker 1: I don't think so. Honey. Hey, Maria, you have children,
Speaker 1: they're not props. Okay, thank you leave home and don't
Speaker 1: make him a company. You're singing, also, Maria, you're singing
Speaker 1: in the tub, you're singing in the show, you're singing
Speaker 1: in the f you're singing in a cap. You're saying
Speaker 1: you're singing. We get it. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey. And if you're two seconds
Speaker 1: to stand up when you do a concert, I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna pay four dollars again. Take an adderall and get
Speaker 1: off five seconds and show me that goddamn left ear.
Speaker 1: I don't think so. One of the best trollballs we've
Speaker 1: ever seen. That was one of the best. The pull
Speaker 1: of where is her left ear? Does she have it?
Speaker 1: We raised our poppers to you, all right? Every one night?
Speaker 1: Another icon coming up? Max Selvestra, maxel Vestra, two hunks,
Speaker 1: two hunks of Blonda and Brunette. What is this? What
Speaker 1: are we in the Moulin Rouge? All right? Listen, Max,
Speaker 1: We had chatted prior. I know that the trollball was
Speaker 1: on the table as it is right now, literally figuratively
Speaker 1: on the table. But I will say that I'm a
Speaker 1: little mad that Paul Downs just stole that cherry pop
Speaker 1: from the audience. But I had two grain bowls today
Speaker 1: lunch and dinner, so I'm gonna do with the regular
Speaker 1: right now. I'd love to do the ball. He would
Speaker 1: love to do the trollball, and I would love to
Speaker 1: see it. All right, I have something. Okay, this is
Speaker 1: this is a special one. This is a direct attack
Speaker 1: on me. Okay, Max Silvestro, your I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: Trouball topic is quote thirty under thirty, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: and your time please remember he please remember. And my
Speaker 1: co host not present was also don't hurt me, don't
Speaker 1: hurt my friend, and don't hold my co host. But
Speaker 1: your trouball thirty Your time begins now. I don't think
Speaker 1: so thirty under thirty. It is bullshit to think it's
Speaker 1: cool that you were precocious and an asshole in high
Speaker 1: school and college and now it's paying off in your
Speaker 1: medium field. Cool, blow it now, get big before you
Speaker 1: know anything. Why create art when you have an experience,
Speaker 1: when you can just be the loudest person who constantly
Speaker 1: asked for what you want. I don't think so thirty
Speaker 1: under thirty. I think pretty much every person I've ever
Speaker 1: respected in any media history has made art later because
Speaker 1: it is boring to blow your wad that fucking early.
Speaker 1: I think so thirty under thirty, give me fifty over
Speaker 1: fifty fucking maltonade on it. I do not want your
Speaker 1: point about how texting is crazy. I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: Thirty under thirty, you have nothing to share with the world.
Speaker 1: Five seconds, live seconds, five seconds. I love Joel. That's
Speaker 1: one minute. That's Sevestray. You've been attacked, Jolie, and I
Speaker 1: agree with every word. He's dropped his paupers. Everyone now welcome,
Speaker 1: Sabrina Joliicious, the queen, the Queen, the ja Yeah. Now
Speaker 1: tell me, do you want some? I've never in my
Speaker 1: life cover one too much. Too much. It's just like
Speaker 1: a chemical. It's like, why does your face look so
Speaker 1: yummy after he's hot. Here's the thing, Sabrina, we have
Speaker 1: the trouble. We also have, you know, the opportunity to
Speaker 1: do a pre prepared I don't think we did two trolls.
Speaker 1: Let's do a prep she's got a trial to get
Speaker 1: home to. Oh now I'm feeling a little warm. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what happens, and a little open, probably, Sabrina Juli's
Speaker 1: hug game. I don't think so, honey. And her time
Speaker 1: starts now, I don't think so, honey. If my wife
Speaker 1: is breastfeeding and you look at her weird, I don't
Speaker 1: think so. Honey at all. Daddy's watching you, and Daddy's
Speaker 1: not impressed. I don't think so, honey, that you think
Speaker 1: that my wife's nipple showing is fucking offensive to you, motherfucker. No,
Speaker 1: I don't think so, because her nipples are making like
Speaker 1: such good water down condensed milk style, delicious, titty unlimited
Speaker 1: beveridge mother. I don't even think so that we have
Speaker 1: to cover our nipples at all. I know that the
Speaker 1: feminist movement has to do rape and everything all the
Speaker 1: others before the nipple. But fuck you for the nipple.
Speaker 1: Fuck you, motherfucker if you tell me to cover my
Speaker 1: nipple at the Saguaro in Palm Springs and White League
Speaker 1: White my friends used to ask my my father's Pakistani. Uh, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're gonna give me a extra time. Oh, it's just
Speaker 1: a titty hit job. It's job. Can you give it
Speaker 1: up for this group? There could be a hundred people
Speaker 1: in a room. St you guys, come on, can we
Speaker 1: even this next group is called Oh gosh, oh gosh,
Speaker 1: please get it up for Jess mccanna, give it up
Speaker 1: for Zacharino, Andrew T Kyles and clean Tony NEOSU. It's
Speaker 1: somebody came prepared with a look, I said, kindly, turn
Speaker 1: a look. Kindly looks returned, and many looks return. Here
Speaker 1: we go, bring that jacket to them, Mike. Jess mccannas.
Speaker 1: That is literally, if I ever get nominated for a
Speaker 1: Golden Globe, I said, I'm always going to wear a canary.
Speaker 1: Tucks canary. Is that canary? Um? Yeah, you're giving me
Speaker 1: and this is a compliment. You're giving me, Paul a
Speaker 1: pound stone for urban Outfitters, and I love it. I
Speaker 1: love it. Thank you. Um, I see that as a compliment,
Speaker 1: but thank you. So let's a pound a stone if
Speaker 1: you will. That didn't work. Are we doing the trouble?
Speaker 1: Are we doing a pre prepared I don't think so, honey,
Speaker 1: topic We're going to do a pre prepared I love that.
Speaker 1: Jess McKenna, your time starts now. I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: That moment when they say have a nice flight, and
Speaker 1: I say you too, I'm sorry that you have a terrible,
Speaker 1: thankless job where people are literally garbage to you for hours,
Speaker 1: even though you're trying to keep us safe, and I
Speaker 1: remind you that I'm going on vacation. I don't think so, honey. Jessica,
Speaker 1: that you're on such autopilot while you go through the
Speaker 1: world that you don't recognize that's a human in front
Speaker 1: of you. I don't think so. It's even weird. I'm
Speaker 1: going somewhere where they have to look at a passport.
Speaker 1: That's right, I can travel internationally. Enjoy your thankless job, person,
Speaker 1: I forgot mattered. I don't think so, honey. When I
Speaker 1: do the same thing at the Moon movies, when they
Speaker 1: say enjoy your I say you too, although that's not
Speaker 1: as bad because they can definitely see the movies five seconds.
Speaker 1: You don't think so, honey, Jessica, open your eyes. It's
Speaker 1: a human. That's one minute, jess mccanna. Everyone, and please
Speaker 1: welcome zach the half that alright, Zachie, what's gonna be
Speaker 1: to be pre prepared? Pared, Zach Reno, Your time begins now.
Speaker 1: I don't think so. Johnny Depp, Wizard Hitler agree. What
Speaker 1: the funk are we doing with this beloved franchise that
Speaker 1: we are going to allow an abuser to portray a
Speaker 1: fictional abuser that should have gone to a much better actor.
Speaker 1: I go to Harry Potter. I expect so very very
Speaker 1: little from the Fantastic Beasts franchise. I want a bird
Speaker 1: made of lightning. I want the tiny platypus that loves
Speaker 1: gold so very very I want I want that rhinoceros
Speaker 1: that's very horny and very glowy. A lot of the time.
Speaker 1: You can replace Johnny Depp in that movie with literally
Speaker 1: anyone and it would be better. Guy Fieri would be
Speaker 1: better in that movie that literally Johnny Depp. We don't
Speaker 1: need it. The world is dark, that world is magical.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, Johnny mother fucking Depp. And that's
Speaker 1: one man. Zach Raino. Boy, I wanted so badly to
Speaker 1: like even one thing in the Grindle Walls. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: really didn't need to know that the Holocaust exists in
Speaker 1: the Harry Potter universe. It's really upsetting. Okay, and want
Speaker 1: to bring him up to Holocaust? Oh? Here we go?
Speaker 1: What's up? What are we doing today? I love this
Speaker 1: jackka you. Someone said I look like Nightwing? Is that
Speaker 1: a comic book? Man? Look like Nightwing? I'm gonna kill people? Then? Yeah?
Speaker 1: K that rage? Okay, So listen, we have a bull
Speaker 1: here and it's full of topics and topics. I have
Speaker 1: some stuff that I'm gonna say for the last time
Speaker 1: in front of white people. Okay, so now the time
Speaker 1: welcome and you're welcome. Your time begins now. Oh man,
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey, crazy rich Asian? Is that
Speaker 1: not the movie? Not the movie? Although I love Henry
Speaker 1: Golding and Michelle Yo, are you supposed to have that
Speaker 1: much sexual chemistry with your mother? Is that like a
Speaker 1: normal thing? It's fucking crazy. Rich Asians in real life
Speaker 1: are the worst fucking people on the planet. Crazy rich
Speaker 1: Asians enslave crazy poor Asians to make phones for white people.
Speaker 1: What is wrong with you fucking people? Crazy rich Asians
Speaker 1: are out here fucking Mitch McConnell. They're out here, fucking
Speaker 1: They're out here fucking less moon veast and then attacking
Speaker 1: other women. It's they're the worst people. They're fucking crazy.
Speaker 1: That's all I got. Oh and with when with nine
Speaker 1: seconds ago, andrew t has made his point. Listen, I
Speaker 1: would like to use that nine seconds to say, Julie Chan,
Speaker 1: history will remember you. Yes, it will. Making a rule
Speaker 1: of culture rule of culture number thirteen, even Julie Chen,
Speaker 1: history will remember you. And also another rule of culture
Speaker 1: rule culture number sixteen. Crazy rich Asians are out here
Speaker 1: fucking Mitch McConnell two and one. I don't think one
Speaker 1: that's groundbreaking and from our groundbreaking, I don't make so honey.
Speaker 1: Please welcome Kiles, one of my fabs. Oh, I am
Speaker 1: so nervous. Wow, you guys got my email. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Just wanted to say, alright, Kyle, are you doing? And
Speaker 1: I guess um, I'm gonna do the troll ball. I'm
Speaker 1: very nervous, so nervous. Oh my god, this whole group
Speaker 1: actually we love but I got the sign I am fourth.
Speaker 1: Oh this is good. You know you don't know you're
Speaker 1: gonna be doing and I don't think so, honey. On
Speaker 1: Amy Adams, that's why it's a troll ball, baby. Okay,
Speaker 1: so your time begins now. I don't think so. Need
Speaker 1: Amy Adams stand up for yourself because you deserve an Oscar. Yes,
Speaker 1: tweets that you deserve in Oscar. Get angry that you
Speaker 1: didn't win for a rival. It was incredible. I was moved,
Speaker 1: and I hate movies about time travel. I don't think so, honey,
Speaker 1: Amy Adams, don't phone it in like everyone else an
Speaker 1: American hustle. That movie trailer gave me a boner I
Speaker 1: thought I was gonna love it, and I hated that
Speaker 1: movie so much. I don't think so, honey, Amy Adams.
Speaker 1: I need you to have award ceremony self worth. You
Speaker 1: deserve to win the Oscar for almost everything. I don't
Speaker 1: think so, honey, Amy Adams. You gave a hand jup
Speaker 1: to Philip Seymour Hoffman in a movie. These are two
Speaker 1: awards for that because you don't have a hand to
Speaker 1: hold one in. I don't think so, honey, Amy Adams.
Speaker 1: I just want what's best for you. I want what
Speaker 1: I do think so, honey, Amy Adams as a human though,
Speaker 1: that's man and the positive Kyle Airs everybody. I just
Speaker 1: want to say, I saw vice. She's pretty good advice
Speaker 1: playing Lynn Cheney, though I don't think so. I don't
Speaker 1: think sonn Cheney. We can't all right, you guys give
Speaker 1: it up for a true queens Tony. It gonna be
Speaker 1: what are we thinking? We have the trouball and you
Speaker 1: know we have probably beautiful ideas, you know, a bit
Speaker 1: just too overextended to pre plan. Oh so can I
Speaker 1: please get that ball? You may. I love when the
Speaker 1: ball comes twice in a row. I love when people
Speaker 1: do the ball all right, okay, I think you're gonna
Speaker 1: like this your I don't think so, honey. Trollball topic
Speaker 1: is the expression work hard, play hard. The expression work hard,
Speaker 1: play hard, and tiny your time starts now. I don't
Speaker 1: think so, honey, this expression work hard, play hard. What
Speaker 1: are you a fucking Viking? I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: You don't get to work hard like you're sawing logs
Speaker 1: all week and then go shoot foxes on the weekend
Speaker 1: or whatever. This is some ship meant for a different era.
Speaker 1: Right now. Your job is to work in a tech
Speaker 1: startup where you remote in four hours a week selling
Speaker 1: a fake Korean skin cream to white people. So that's
Speaker 1: not working hard. And you're playing Is you just going
Speaker 1: to a private karaoke room with all your dumbass white
Speaker 1: friends who can't sing. Neither of those things are hard.
Speaker 1: They're both soft as fuck. So you know what, you
Speaker 1: better start saying, work soft, play soft, because at least
Speaker 1: then I would respect some ass bitch with a fake
Speaker 1: skincare company. And I don't think so, honey, people who
Speaker 1: have real jobs because I never learned to type. But
Speaker 1: I feel good when I see you in your Brooks
Speaker 1: brother's motherfucking suit you Joe say Bank, motherfucker. And that's
Speaker 1: one minute unbelievable. L A, you are showing up here.
Speaker 1: You give it up for this group. Oh gosh, oh gosh,
Speaker 1: Jess McKenna, Zacharino and Kyle Airs. I'm so excited for
Speaker 1: this next group. This next group is stacked with the boys. Everyone.
Speaker 1: This next group is called Hi Alley. I'm Gail, please
Speaker 1: welcome Price Peterson, Dan Robberts, Michael Benjamin, Alan Stricklin, Williams
Speaker 1: and Zac. No. He's Towers, Hi Boys, Hi Boys, Hide Boys,
Speaker 1: Hi Alley. I'm Gail. Alright, Pryce Peterson, you're up, man,
Speaker 1: Price Peterson, icon, icon, icon and icon. I see a
Speaker 1: sure Price Peters. Comedians go like this, all right, So yeah,
Speaker 1: they're just putting it over there starting that's a little
Speaker 1: mini I don't think so, honey, Price, what are we doing.
Speaker 1: We know you're a prolific writer, so we know you
Speaker 1: can write handy, but are you going to go for
Speaker 1: the trouble something I have close to my heartaking a
Speaker 1: lot about. We love that. We love that. Okay, Price Peterson,
Speaker 1: your time begins now. I don't think so, honey, Acid
Speaker 1: that is too strong everyone in here loves it. LST
Speaker 1: is the best. Everyone knows this. Sometimes you want to
Speaker 1: go to a cabin in the woods with your friends
Speaker 1: and just laugh a lot and maybe look at pretty colors.
Speaker 1: But otherwise it's a gentle experience. But then your bone
Speaker 1: head asshole friend goes on the dark Web and gets
Speaker 1: some like real strong ship, and suddenly you're all doing
Speaker 1: double doses in your cactus cooler. Suddenly there's like gentle
Speaker 1: cabin in the wood, looks like you're standing on a
Speaker 1: pattern carpet and you're trapped there for twelve thousand years. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: you're a friend. You've got one friend over on the
Speaker 1: papas on just sort of screaming about fractals. You've got
Speaker 1: the other friend naked trying to tongue kiss an outlet.
Speaker 1: Seconds meanwhile, Brenda's out on the lawn trying to reject
Speaker 1: her own skeleton. The only person who's ever been on
Speaker 1: a trip of this hard is in the kitchen boiling
Speaker 1: some soup and the secret his own hands. Don't do
Speaker 1: a guy's stick to paper taps. That's who I met
Speaker 1: it of morning from Price Peterson. Don't you get yours
Speaker 1: from the dark Web? But I would like to know
Speaker 1: where you get that stuff. Get that on the light
Speaker 1: web like the rest of us saying this is my recommendation.
Speaker 1: This is a person that I turned my chair around
Speaker 1: and I said, he is going to lead my team
Speaker 1: to victory tonight. I don't need to put a lot
Speaker 1: of pressure on you, Dan, but don't fuck it. This
Speaker 1: is Dan, Robert. Everyone give it up. So Dan, here
Speaker 1: we call. I mean, there's a perfectly good bowl here,
Speaker 1: and there's a perfectly good, pre prepared topic. I'm sure
Speaker 1: what are we doing? Um? I selected pre I love
Speaker 1: pre Now, Robert, here we go. Your time starts now.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, Honey. Both of my grandma's being dead.
Speaker 1: I am not a math genius, but that is about
Speaker 1: one percent on my grandma's who are now deceased. I
Speaker 1: miss you, honeys. I truly miss you both so much. Honeys,
Speaker 1: my nana and my body have died. You know who
Speaker 1: is laid to rest, George H. Bush. You know what
Speaker 1: he is? Homophobic, racist, war amonger Honey's, My grandma's are
Speaker 1: a little racist. But guess what. I can't even fix
Speaker 1: that anymore because they are dead. And since I started
Speaker 1: my Lexapro my dreams. I've been insane. Guess what, honey,
Speaker 1: I have a recurring dream that my nana is spoon
Speaker 1: feeding me a race from her mouth into my mouth
Speaker 1: like a little bird, and it's haunting. Honeys. I do
Speaker 1: not think so, honey about dreams. I do not think so. Chance, sir,
Speaker 1: Why did she have to die somebody cancer? Honey? She
Speaker 1: was not ready to die. I missed them both so much, honey.
Speaker 1: One minute, michaeltoles to your Dan Robert, really adding salt
Speaker 1: to the wound. That neither of them will be able
Speaker 1: to hear that wonderful tribute. They'll never know you said
Speaker 1: that they're dead. Alright. Coming up next is my Michael
Speaker 1: Hop Hop Hop to the mic. Listen. We got up.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of topics in here. I can't wait
Speaker 1: for the next people to choose those. Oh he's threw
Speaker 1: it to someone else, So Michael, I'm assuming pre prepared.
Speaker 1: And here we go, Michael Benjamin, your time starts now.
Speaker 1: Shark Week. Who the fund cares dolphins are just thirst
Speaker 1: trap sharks? The sharks just because the sharks were to
Speaker 1: the ocean. Or are we still finding more? That's my
Speaker 1: thing it's straight culture. All of these sharks are thirst
Speaker 1: chap dolphins. I was watching Shark Week and there's a
Speaker 1: straight man talking about what to do if you get
Speaker 1: attacked by a shark. Does anybody know what you're supposed
Speaker 1: to do? Yell it out, punch it, that's what he said.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about that. I've never want to fight on land,
Speaker 1: and this straight man is telling me fighting me I'm
Speaker 1: supposed to go and the sharks gonna be like, oh
Speaker 1: my bad. No. And second thing, stop asking straight people
Speaker 1: for advice. They're just gonna tell you to punch it.
Speaker 1: Oh my car's out of gas, punch it. My phone's
Speaker 1: out of battery. Punch it. I'm being bitten by a shark.
Speaker 1: Punch it. The sharks is just gonna get more piste.
Speaker 1: And how are we still finding sharks to fill? Are
Speaker 1: we like holding auditions? Are like hammer heads? Like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm not represented enough. Next season's hammer head Sharks. No,
Speaker 1: they're me. Stop giving him a spotlight Shark Week. I
Speaker 1: don't think so, honey. That's one minute scinct And this
Speaker 1: is what I loved about it revolutionary, not one I
Speaker 1: don't think you wanting until the end, And it was
Speaker 1: the button. I love it. It was like the punch
Speaker 1: on the crowd work too. I don't think I've ever
Speaker 1: seen crowd work in and I don't think so any
Speaker 1: there has been, but never like this. Okay, next up,
Speaker 1: Alan Strickland, will Ya second william Hello, baby boy, here guys,
Speaker 1: great to have you. Now, listen, We've got uh there's
Speaker 1: a bowl here. It's I pre prepared about ten minutes ago. Okay,
Speaker 1: freaking love that. Alright, So, Alan Stricklin Williams, your time
Speaker 1: starts now, honey, I don't think so. Mr Rogers having
Speaker 1: a moment in two eighteen. I know that me and
Speaker 1: Mr Rogers used to be best friends. I used to
Speaker 1: hang out with them every day. But sometimes in life
Speaker 1: you have to cut an old friend. This is not
Speaker 1: the land of make believe. This is Hollywood, California, and
Speaker 1: I am on a live podcast where I'm trying to
Speaker 1: make a splash. So whenever this airs, I can get
Speaker 1: five new for a second. I don't think so, honey,
Speaker 1: mus Rotters after the Morning twent eight team, because we
Speaker 1: need you now to be alive more than ever, and
Speaker 1: you are gone. I don't know if you've heard this,
Speaker 1: but adulting is hard. Second seconds. You love me just
Speaker 1: the way I am. Well, I fucking hate myself. Won't
Speaker 1: you be my neighbor. We're on the brink of a
Speaker 1: civil war in this country. Isn't it a good feeling
Speaker 1: being alive? Everyone in this room wants to die. That's
Speaker 1: a minute, continuing death as a theme and closing out
Speaker 1: this group we love. The sweat shirt is em bleshed.
Speaker 1: I live. What's gonna be? What's it gonna be? Trouble?
Speaker 1: Mine's important. It's like Alaska's Okay, I got that. We
Speaker 1: have an important I don't think so, honey from zach
Speaker 1: Noey Towns and as time will start right now, I
Speaker 1: don't think so honey. New York comedians, I'm sorry, but
Speaker 1: taking three trains and a bus to get to an
Speaker 1: open mic isn't making you funny. It's making you sad.
Speaker 1: It makes you depressed, it makes you old. New York
Speaker 1: comics age twice as fast as l A comics. I
Speaker 1: had a comedy in New York for one week. When
Speaker 1: I got there, it was eighteen to play younger. When
Speaker 1: I left, I looked like Matt Rogers. And you hate
Speaker 1: l A audiences. Maybe it's the material. Maybe save your
Speaker 1: bits about bedbugs and bodegas for Brooklyn and other Third
Speaker 1: world countries. And wait, did I miss something? It's singing funny.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey. I want to give you feedback.
Speaker 1: I'm your peer, but what do I say? You're opener
Speaker 1: was strong, but You're closing was sharp? And why pippin
Speaker 1: the queer comedy scene in New York should just be
Speaker 1: renamed Ship Broadway didn't once? That's why. Wow, I love
Speaker 1: it when they come to burn Bridges. I love it
Speaker 1: when they cover come to New York. Should say I
Speaker 1: never come through you all. It's weird because I've been
Speaker 1: wildly successful on boscos. So give it up for a
Speaker 1: high alley. I'm Gail, Bryce Peterson, Dan Robert Michael, Benjamin,
Speaker 1: Alice Drick and Williams and Zachary Tower. That's stupid, bitch,
Speaker 1: all right, last group of the first half, you guys,
Speaker 1: please give it up for the path had benatars cast Castle,
Speaker 1: Mary Holland, Daniel Friends, Dizzy, Eric Lighthead and Lauren Lacks. Okay,
Speaker 1: I do think so, I do think. Well, we stand
Speaker 1: a reveal and first to them, Mike my Castle cut up.
Speaker 1: Then thank you so much, you guys, Hi, my castle.
Speaker 1: What's it gonna be trouble? He said? He said, you
Speaker 1: know what, We're diving right in and so I I
Speaker 1: take direction and look, I'm picking something out and okay,
Speaker 1: this is a really this this could go either. We
Speaker 1: think through a lot already this year there there. It's tough,
Speaker 1: but it is um your I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: Topic is Mississippi. The state of Mississippi is what you
Speaker 1: must discuss. And this I don't think so, honey, And
Speaker 1: your time begins now. I guess I don't think so honey. Uh.
Speaker 1: The fact that I know how to spell Mississippi is
Speaker 1: where I want to start. I feel that I believe
Speaker 1: that information was going to be very useful, and I
Speaker 1: used to do it very pridefully as a kid. I
Speaker 1: would dance around my house and sing m I yes
Speaker 1: SI yes s I p p I and my parents
Speaker 1: would clap and my brother would look jealous, but it
Speaker 1: didn't it. No one gives a ship. And then I
Speaker 1: remember I would play basketball with some friends growing up
Speaker 1: and they will be like, do you want to play horse?
Speaker 1: And I'd be like, no, let's play Mississippi. And then
Speaker 1: we would all laugh, and then I would proudly spell it,
Speaker 1: and then they would all be like, that's amazing, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, it's fucking crazy, it's so long. And then
Speaker 1: we would play a little bit they would be like
Speaker 1: it's too long. And then from the complication of making
Speaker 1: it a game, I would forget how to spell it.
Speaker 1: So we'd be playing and I'd be like, I have M.
Speaker 1: I know it. I I have M, and so that sucks.
Speaker 1: So but also I assumed Mississippi fucking sucks. That's what
Speaker 1: I'm in it A difficult topic and an expertly done
Speaker 1: I don't think, so, honey, trouble. I think from my castle,
Speaker 1: that's what I would have on too. That's the only
Speaker 1: thing I know about Mississippi. There's there's a famously a river.
Speaker 1: Mary Halland, get to the mike with this performance, please, Hello,
Speaker 1: Mary Holland. Now we knew you are celebrated improviser but
Speaker 1: also a celebrated writer too. So what's it gonna be, man,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do plan. Okay, here we go, Mary Holland.
Speaker 1: You I don't think so, honey. Time starts now, I
Speaker 1: don't think so honey. When a person suddenly gets hit
Speaker 1: by a bus or a car, in a movie. Yes,
Speaker 1: because guess what, because guess what? I mean, what's up
Speaker 1: with it? Because and listen to me? Also because why
Speaker 1: not have Look, you don't gotta show me. Just hey,
Speaker 1: if you want that to happen to her, go in
Speaker 1: in the next scene. Have people at a cafe. One
Speaker 1: of them says, oh, crazy, she got hit by a bus.
Speaker 1: I don't need to see it. I don't need to
Speaker 1: see that because also because also, guess what, you're traumatizing me.
Speaker 1: I am a pain audience member. I did not come
Speaker 1: to jump and be scared sit. I came to sit
Speaker 1: and watch a movie, and hey, what's up with it?
Speaker 1: And also because I have so much to say about it?
Speaker 1: I know, I mean, it's just not time. But listen,
Speaker 1: I don't think so honey talking okay, And that's one
Speaker 1: manute Mary Allans. And now I have to say the
Speaker 1: segue is truly brilliant. Someone who famously was in a
Speaker 1: movie with someone getting fucking nailed by a bus. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, And that's how just kidding she got hurt? Now, Daniel,
Speaker 1: what's it? Oh my god, I can't the fringe. I
Speaker 1: can't said turn of looking. And she did? I mean,
Speaker 1: I said you kindly, So, Daniel, what do you think
Speaker 1: we got the trouble here, we got pre prepared, give
Speaker 1: me the trouble. I'm mad at everything. First Squeer Trouble
Speaker 1: of the night, Thank you trolls. Okay, this is good,
Speaker 1: this is good your I don't think so, honey. Trouball
Speaker 1: topic is from the Greatest Showman, the song This is
Speaker 1: Me where it hurts another direct attack on me and
Speaker 1: my brand and your time begins now. I don't think so, honey,
Speaker 1: Greatest Showman song, This is Me. I don't see that
Speaker 1: Syrups ship. So I don't know who you is? Okay,
Speaker 1: and I don't think so. Why do you always gotta
Speaker 1: give it to the factor with a hairy face? I
Speaker 1: don't think so, honey. Why can't this be me, just
Speaker 1: be a normal person. Why you gotta call up the
Speaker 1: fact she got a hairy face? And I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna sit here for this whole time. And
Speaker 1: then Alea sing me every single track Queen that I
Speaker 1: see across America, gonna live sink that ship. Who you are?
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey. They did it once before,
Speaker 1: and it's called Lakasha for I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: I'm not here for this. Okay. You know what I
Speaker 1: want to see. I want to see who you really are. Okay,
Speaker 1: you're a girl that's getting paid big money to sing
Speaker 1: a big song in a big movie. It's not shedding.
Speaker 1: It's here for you. I don't thanks to honey. Ten seconds.
Speaker 1: Come second, Yes, bitch, I'm beauty in facts. Who you
Speaker 1: don't see me singing? I'm here? That's one minute? That
Speaker 1: is one minute shaking the hoppers. Yes, it's my most
Speaker 1: played song of two eighteen. I just rewrite the stars.
Speaker 1: Am I bad? We both are. We both deserve to
Speaker 1: go to hell head white head, jacket jackets, this grease homage.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing. We have a troll bill here celebrated,
Speaker 1: improvised her right up on stains. But the thing is,
Speaker 1: I'm sure you've got stuff to say. What's up? Well,
Speaker 1: I don't know any references or people. So I had
Speaker 1: to go preplan and that makes sense to me, And
Speaker 1: that makes sense to me. Strategic move for you. Here
Speaker 1: we go, Aaron your I don't think so many time
Speaker 1: starts now, I don't think so, honey. That in the
Speaker 1: Pixar film Inside Out, that little girl had an imaginary
Speaker 1: friend who was a middle aged man elephant. Uh, little
Speaker 1: tiny girls would have an imaginary friend that's a unicorn
Speaker 1: named Sparkle or Amber bing Bong. More like that little
Speaker 1: girl saw a creepy neighbor's dings. Can we talk about
Speaker 1: the imaginary elephant in the room because that little girl
Speaker 1: got molested? Okay, that really tragic scene where bing Bong
Speaker 1: is down in the canyon and they're waving goodbye and
Speaker 1: he's fading away. That's repressing a horrible trauma. Oh my god, Pixar,
Speaker 1: you made a movie about a child busted, and of
Speaker 1: course you made it about a white girl. Really we
Speaker 1: needed another one of those separate brands. Five seconds five seconds, big,
Speaker 1: I don't think so. And that's one minute eron Whitehead.
Speaker 1: My god, I did steal a bunch of oxy cotton
Speaker 1: from Richard Kinne's medicine cabinet. Separate story, separate story. You
Speaker 1: truly are not afraid to tarnish this brand. I know everyone.
Speaker 1: To close out Act one of the evening, this welcome
Speaker 1: Florida lays. I'm loving this plaid. I'm loving it. Thank you.
Speaker 1: What's another celebrated improviser and what's it going to be tonight?
Speaker 1: I was on the fence and I wasn't able to
Speaker 1: side until right now. And I'm doing Troy Okay, trouble
Speaker 1: Okay now I'm self caught us every time I think
Speaker 1: a goddamn note. All right, Okay, I like this for you.
Speaker 1: I hope so your I don't think so honey. Trollable
Speaker 1: topic Lauren Lapkus is Margot Robbie. Now, I don't think
Speaker 1: so honey, Margot Robbie. You say you're twenty five, I
Speaker 1: don't think so honey. You're fucking forty two. Bitch. I
Speaker 1: don't think so honey. You're from another country. You get
Speaker 1: all the good American rolls, Bitch, I don't think what
Speaker 1: is that five seconds? I don't think so honey, Margot
Speaker 1: Robbie because everybody thinks you're so fucking sexy and you
Speaker 1: don't do work or trying anything. Margo Robbie, I don't
Speaker 1: think so honey, Margot Robbie. You didn't have to get
Speaker 1: a person. Second, you got Jamie whatever the fox face.
Speaker 1: Thank you. You're twins be her daughter slash sister, because
Speaker 1: you're the same age, you're not twenty five. I have
Speaker 1: people like about their age. If you lie by your
Speaker 1: rage of this room, you're a coward. Fuck you. If
Speaker 1: I have to say, I don't think so, honey. Lauren
Speaker 1: Laptas delivering us a rule of culture. It's rule culture
Speaker 1: number ten. Margot, Robbie has Jamie Presley's face, give it
Speaker 1: up for the pet Benatars, My Castle, Mary Holland Daniel, Princess,
Speaker 1: Aaron Whitehead and Lapus. I'm sorry, but are you on
Speaker 1: fire or what. I'm having a very good time, Joel,
Speaker 1: And are you like damn well lost my voice? Well,
Speaker 1: we have a whole other half of this motherfucking stuff.
Speaker 1: So everyone, let's take a ten to fifteen minute in
Speaker 1: our mission to come back, and we'll be back with more.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey. This has been a Forever
Speaker 1: Dog production executive used by Brett Bahum, Joe Silio, and
Speaker 1: Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit Forever Dog
Speaker 1: Podcasts dot com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
Speaker 1: or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the
Speaker 1: latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and
Speaker 1: Instagram at Forever Dog Team, and liking our page on Facebook.