Speaker 1: I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was
Speaker 1: a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my
Speaker 1: love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and
Speaker 1: deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is
Speaker 1: and what it is not. I want to share some
Speaker 1: of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome. This is our spot, the place
Speaker 1: we come to talk about all kinds of relationships, the
Speaker 1: challenges and issues that we find in relationships. The place
Speaker 1: we come to learn skills, tools and practices to up level,
Speaker 1: improve and deepen our connection in relationships. I am Yamla,
Speaker 1: your guide, your host, your support mechanism, sometimes your cargon wheel,
Speaker 1: sometimes a little cold water in your face. I will
Speaker 1: be whatever it is that is required to get you
Speaker 1: on base in your relationships. I want to talk about
Speaker 1: something today that I think many people overlook. They overlook
Speaker 1: creating it, they overlook the importance of it, and they
Speaker 1: overlook the process for enacting it. And that's a deal breaker.
Speaker 1: What is your deal breaker? Whenever I coach a couple
Speaker 1: or support a couple, who's about to get married. There
Speaker 1: are certain questions that I ask them. I asked them
Speaker 1: how are they to make financial decisions? I ask them
Speaker 1: when there is an upset or breakdown in the marriage,
Speaker 1: who are the two people that they can go to
Speaker 1: to get support inside guidance? And then I ask each
Speaker 1: partner what's your deal breaker? Sometimes they look at me
Speaker 1: as though I have horns growing out my head. What
Speaker 1: do you mean? I mean, what is your deal breaker?
Speaker 1: What is going to end this thing on the spot
Speaker 1: right then, right there if it unfolds, Because if you
Speaker 1: don't know that, if you don't know what your deal
Speaker 1: breaker is, if you don't have that boundary established, you
Speaker 1: can find yourself in a situation where your partner is
Speaker 1: just behaving badly and you are accommodating, tolerating, putting up
Speaker 1: with something that goes against the very grain of who
Speaker 1: you are. Deal It's a boundary, deal breaker, It's a
Speaker 1: line in the sand, and so very often we draw
Speaker 1: our line in the sand, and then when somebody crosses it,
Speaker 1: we back up and draw another line, and before you
Speaker 1: know it, we have backed ourselves right out of the room.
Speaker 1: Deal Breakers, This is the thing or the things that
Speaker 1: violate the very essence of who you are. A deal
Speaker 1: breaker is meant to remedy that, because there has to
Speaker 1: be a place where you say, not me, not today.
Speaker 1: I am not the one. I cannot tell you how
Speaker 1: many couples that I've spoken to over the years where
Speaker 1: one partner is simply, like I said, accommodating, tolerating, rationalizing,
Speaker 1: excusing an unacceptable bad way behavior and they stay that
Speaker 1: way for years, hoping that it will change, and it
Speaker 1: doesn't change. And what they do is complain and complain.
Speaker 1: They fuss, they holler, they complain, they complain. The behavior
Speaker 1: doesn't change because it's not a deal breaker. A deal
Speaker 1: breaker is very clear. A deal breaker is stated up front,
Speaker 1: both partners know what the deal breaker is, and if
Speaker 1: that deal is broken, the relationship is done. I don't
Speaker 1: care if you got nine kids, six turtles, two cats,
Speaker 1: and a dog do this. I'm out. I don't think
Speaker 1: many people create deal breakers in their relationships. Now, this
Speaker 1: is not something that your partner asks you that maybe
Speaker 1: you don't want to do or you don't like doing.
Speaker 1: Not talking about that, I'm talking about something that violates
Speaker 1: the very essence of who you are, something that creates
Speaker 1: disruption on your soul? Is it cheating? Is it lying?
Speaker 1: Is it calling you out of your name? Is it
Speaker 1: physical violence? Is it poor financial skills? What is your
Speaker 1: deal breaker? Well, that's what we're talking about today. I
Speaker 1: want to make sure that people have deal breakers and
Speaker 1: if they have them, that they're living up to them,
Speaker 1: and if they don't have them, that they have the
Speaker 1: conversation now to establish that boundary, that deal breaker. So
Speaker 1: I've got some callers today and we're going to see
Speaker 1: what they're saying. Let me take my first caller. Welcome, beloved,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the R Spot. Today we are talking about
Speaker 1: deal breakers, that thing that ends a relationship on the spot,
Speaker 1: if it is broken, Do you have a deal breaker?
Speaker 1: And if so, what is it?
Speaker 2: Good evening, miss Yana. Yes, I do have a deal breaker?
Speaker 1: Okay, you got one or more than one?
Speaker 2: H Well, the major one that's going to cancel it
Speaker 2: right off the bat is anything that my partner is
Speaker 2: doing that is illegal that is going to get him
Speaker 2: placed in prison or or us sent to the slammer.
Speaker 2: Anything illegal that he's doing, that's an immediate deal breaker.
Speaker 1: Okay. In illegal activity, we're talking about what drug sales?
Speaker 3: Yes, Okay, yes, How did how.
Speaker 1: Did you get to that? How did you get to
Speaker 1: illegal activity? I don't think I've heard that one him
Speaker 1: a long time. How did you get to that?
Speaker 4: Well?
Speaker 2: Because I am a woman of a particular age who
Speaker 2: in my younger years was drawn to bad boys, and
Speaker 2: I dated too bad boys. In particular, I have had
Speaker 2: at my near death experiences and near prison experiences. One
Speaker 2: in particular, a man that I dated who was a
Speaker 2: monster to others in the street, but a gentleman to me,
Speaker 2: and at that time my humorists found that to be
Speaker 2: very attractive. I hid the relationship from my family. My
Speaker 2: mother did not know what was going on with this gentleman.
Speaker 2: But he wound up. He and I we had our
Speaker 2: shaff of ups and downs, but he and I broke
Speaker 2: up probably two weeks prior to him and three of
Speaker 2: his friends going to Freehold, New Jersey to rob a
Speaker 2: jewelry store, and the story wound up on the news.
Speaker 2: He wound up on America's Most Wanted. Like I wish
Speaker 2: I was making this up. The story is literally a
Speaker 2: news article that you can google. It was everywhere all
Speaker 2: over the news. They went and robbed the jewelry store,
Speaker 2: tied up the store employees got away with thousands and
Speaker 2: thousands of dollars in jewelry. With on the run, there
Speaker 2: was a high speed chase. One of the gentlemen perished
Speaker 2: in the car crash where the police were chasing them.
Speaker 2: The other three got away for a while, two were caught.
Speaker 2: He was on the land for a while, but he
Speaker 2: eventually got caught. And I said, that was nothing but
Speaker 2: God that intervened in me breaking up with him prior
Speaker 2: to that happened. And because again my immaturity in humorist
Speaker 2: and not understanding that lifestyle, not being from it and
Speaker 2: finding it to be something that I was attracted to
Speaker 2: at that time, would have had me probably caught up.
Speaker 2: If he and I were still dating, I probably would
Speaker 2: have been so naive as to have him come to
Speaker 2: my apartment and hide from the police like it was
Speaker 2: just a mess. It was just it was a complete mess.
Speaker 2: And that, yeah, that whole incident is something that scared
Speaker 2: me so badly that I never you know, after that,
Speaker 2: it was only above board men in corporates, men who
Speaker 2: were about something and not of the street life, that
Speaker 2: I was more drawn to.
Speaker 1: Let me ask you a question, did you know he
Speaker 1: was about that life. Did you know he was about
Speaker 1: that life? I did?
Speaker 2: I did, and I wanted to believe that he would
Speaker 2: not go that far. I wanted to believe that.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So what did you tell yourself that allowed you to stay?
Speaker 1: What did you think he was doing?
Speaker 2: I thought he was only selling drugs.
Speaker 1: One drugs right, or poisons into the community, exactly right?
Speaker 1: Exactly how old were you?
Speaker 2: Oh, gosh, I was probably two, probably twenty two, twenty three.
Speaker 1: So what what is attractive about the bad boy? What
Speaker 1: is it?
Speaker 2: It is the bravado. It is the confidence, the aggression,
Speaker 2: the take arch attitude. It is the protectionist aspect of it,
Speaker 2: especially coming from this is hard to say, a fatherless home,
Speaker 2: so to speak. I have father figures and father examples,
Speaker 2: but my own father was absent and not having that
Speaker 2: protection in a man, not having that someone who I
Speaker 2: could call if there was a problem, who I knew
Speaker 2: would handle things for me, who would again be a
Speaker 2: monster to others, but a gentleman to me. He never
Speaker 2: raised a hand to me, never a finger toward me,
Speaker 2: but I knew his aggressive side toward others, and for
Speaker 2: whatever reason I was drawn to that.
Speaker 1: Did you have little rep in the community about being
Speaker 1: his lady.
Speaker 3: I did.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just thought I would ask, so nobody messed
Speaker 1: with you, right exactly. Yeah, is a good one. So,
Speaker 1: now that you're away from bad boys, do you have
Speaker 1: any other deal breakers? Today? You've got a legal activity?
Speaker 1: What else is there anything else?
Speaker 2: I would for sure say, just because I don't have
Speaker 2: a list, but I would say, a man who is
Speaker 2: not of God, a man who is not on his purpose,
Speaker 2: his God's purpose, you know, a man who is not healed,
Speaker 2: and who doesn't know himself. So all those things come
Speaker 2: under following God and a christ like man and a
Speaker 2: man who's on his purpose. Anything opposite of the opposite
Speaker 2: of that would not be for me. That would be
Speaker 2: a dope breaker.
Speaker 1: Okay, well, thank you so much at you for reminding
Speaker 1: me of this one. This is one I haven't heard
Speaker 1: in a long long time. Illegal activity. Alrighty now, Now,
Speaker 1: if he's not and if he's not selling drugs or
Speaker 1: Robin Jewels restores, and he's on purpose, you'll give him
Speaker 1: a chance. All right, Good to know. Thank you for calling, beloved,
Speaker 1: Thank you alrighty bye bye. Yeah, I haven't heard that
Speaker 1: one in such a long time. Illegal activity. Now, I've
Speaker 1: also heard situations where the person was involved in illegal
Speaker 1: activity and the partner didn't know. I have a friend
Speaker 1: who had their kid in at two o'clock in the
Speaker 1: morning by the police and they got dragged through the house.
Speaker 1: It was quite a mess because the partner was involved
Speaker 1: in illegal activity. So this also speaks to the need
Speaker 1: to really know who the person is. You got to
Speaker 1: do your due diligence. You got to see where they live,
Speaker 1: you got to know where their mama live. You got
Speaker 1: to really get into some nitty gritty so they get called.
Speaker 1: Let's see my next callers say, and we'll talk about
Speaker 1: that when we come back. Welcome to loved, Welcome to
Speaker 1: the R Spot. We've got a hot topic today. We're
Speaker 1: talking about deal breakers.
Speaker 4: What is it?
Speaker 1: What is your deal breaker that will end the relationship
Speaker 1: on the spot as soon as you know about it?
Speaker 1: Do you have one? And if so, what is it?
Speaker 4: Well? I think that my deal breaker involves sex, and.
Speaker 1: I'm okay, tell me more.
Speaker 4: Well, I and first, I'm so thank you for taking
Speaker 4: my call. And it's just a blessing to be on
Speaker 4: the phone with you. You've just you just don't know
Speaker 4: what a light you've been in my life. Oh, thank you,
Speaker 4: so thank you for the work that you do. I'm
Speaker 4: in a relationship with someone for over a year now
Speaker 4: and he's about twenty years older than me, and our
Speaker 4: relationship works well, but in the bedroom things have gotten
Speaker 4: complicated here recently. We waited quite a few months before
Speaker 4: we decided to be intimate, and once we were, he
Speaker 4: was having trouble with staying erect and you know, and
Speaker 4: being sixty years old, there could be health issues and
Speaker 4: all that. So I was being as understanding as I
Speaker 4: could be about it. And it's not a deal breaker
Speaker 4: for me that part of it, because there's other intimacy
Speaker 4: that that's that works for me. We were, we were
Speaker 4: in the throes of passion, and he expressed to me
Speaker 4: some fantasies about getting a third person involved.
Speaker 1: Okay, and.
Speaker 4: And I was open to that if it was a male.
Speaker 1: And hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up,
Speaker 1: hold up. Think you just a slide right by that one, right,
Speaker 1: But let me see if I got this. So your
Speaker 1: partner was is open to inviting a third person. He's
Speaker 1: having some difficulties. Yes, you all have other forms of
Speaker 1: into the scene. Yeah, he is open to having a
Speaker 1: third person. Do you want it male so that your
Speaker 1: needs would be met that accurate?
Speaker 4: Yes, mm hmm.
Speaker 1: And he wants it to be a.
Speaker 4: Femle a man now, oh yeah, and.
Speaker 1: Wait, I'm confused. He wants the third person to be
Speaker 1: a male.
Speaker 4: Now we haven't sat down and had a conversation about
Speaker 4: what we have done. Is kind of have these fantasies
Speaker 4: where we're talking about it, you know, in the throwth
Speaker 4: of passion, and you know, we're saying things like what
Speaker 4: we'd like this person to do if they were there
Speaker 4: in the space with us. And you know, just last
Speaker 4: night he said some things that just alarmed me.
Speaker 1: Okay, and.
Speaker 4: In my mind's eye, I was trying to picture some
Speaker 4: of these things that he was saying.
Speaker 1: And.
Speaker 4: I didn't like it. It made me I started like
Speaker 4: feeling red flags all over the place. He feels like
Speaker 4: a good fit for me, but this part of it,
Speaker 4: I just don't know if I can get past it.
Speaker 4: And I don't want to say. I don't want to say.
Speaker 4: I don't want to say, you know, like that's perverted
Speaker 4: or anything of that sort, because I don't want him
Speaker 4: to feel like his feelings are unnatural, although for me
Speaker 4: they do seem unnatural in some ways.
Speaker 1: So let me ask you just take take a breath,
Speaker 1: take a breath, and thank you for your honesty, your authenticity.
Speaker 1: So I just want to ask you a question. Okay,
Speaker 1: what are you acting like? You don't know? What are
Speaker 1: you acting like you don't know? As it relates to
Speaker 1: this situation with the partner, with your partner, what are
Speaker 1: you acting like you don't know? Take a breath.
Speaker 4: That he may be open to a relationship with a
Speaker 4: man himself.
Speaker 1: Oh oh, okay, take a breath.
Speaker 4: So if he has, I just can't imagine that, well
Speaker 4: I can't after last night.
Speaker 1: Why can't you imagine just.
Speaker 4: The way he presents himself in the world who he is,
Speaker 4: you know, that's your judgment.
Speaker 1: That's your judgment, the way he presents himself in the world.
Speaker 1: But if he can be with a woman and with
Speaker 1: a man, what does that say to you that he
Speaker 1: is potentially what.
Speaker 4: Bisexual?
Speaker 1: Oh? Okay, say it again, bisexual? Okay, take a breath,
Speaker 1: And what are your judgments about that? What are your
Speaker 1: thoughts about that?
Speaker 4: My thoughts about that is that that's not that's not
Speaker 4: my idea of the marriage that I would want in
Speaker 4: the future. Okay, that's okay.
Speaker 1: So saying that I'm on that team, I'm not on
Speaker 1: that committee. That's it. Love you mean it. I'm not
Speaker 1: on that committee. And I want you to be happy.
Speaker 1: And there are some people, women, men, whoever, that are
Speaker 1: okay with that. You're not. But are you okay with
Speaker 1: the fact that you're not okay with it?
Speaker 4: I think that's the part that I'm struggling the most. Wins. Yeah,
Speaker 4: am I being judgmental? Am I judging? Am I being
Speaker 4: a judging person?
Speaker 1: Well, the judgment, the judgment would be it's not natural,
Speaker 1: it's not right, it's not those the judgments. But a
Speaker 1: preference would be I ain't on that committee. I don't
Speaker 1: get down like that. Just I mean, it's at a
Speaker 1: deal break a few to be in relationship with a
Speaker 1: sex fluid or bicycle partner. Let me tell you a
Speaker 1: quick story, kind of funny. So maybe about ten years ago,
Speaker 1: maybe a little longer, thongs were a big thing for women,
Speaker 1: you know, I mean the everyday woman. I think years ago,
Speaker 1: maybe you know, dancers, strippers, maybe they wore thongs. I
Speaker 1: don't know, you had to wear a thong to the office.
Speaker 1: But all of my friends was buying thongs. I, oh,
Speaker 1: you gotta get a thong. A thong? Well, what is
Speaker 1: a thong? So I go to get a thong with
Speaker 1: the with the little string, and you know they, Oh
Speaker 1: they're so pretty victorious secrets. He had some lovely ones
Speaker 1: and the little ladies and the they girl, I put
Speaker 1: that thing off. That string got a hold of my booty.
Speaker 1: Let's suffering. Why would I do this?
Speaker 4: Ever?
Speaker 1: And so all my Oh it looks so nice in
Speaker 1: your clothes, y'all go right ahead. Okay, I am not
Speaker 1: wearing the thong. I'm not on that committee. Okay. I
Speaker 1: didn't make them wrong for wearing the thongs. I didn't
Speaker 1: talk bad about them because they were. It's just not
Speaker 1: for me. He may be a guy or maybe really
Speaker 1: good together. Either that or you're gonna live sex sicel life.
Speaker 1: If he's having difficulty being with you, If he's having
Speaker 1: difficulty being with you even at his age, do you
Speaker 1: want to live a sexice life or do you want
Speaker 1: to choose where you can have it at all? He
Speaker 1: don't have to be wrong for that, It doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be unnatural for that. That's your stuff. You can
Speaker 1: work on that. But I don't roll like that not
Speaker 1: my choice, and the fact that you were willing to
Speaker 1: do it with a woman, if that was tickling his fancy,
Speaker 1: would say, that's pretty open.
Speaker 4: Mm hmm, that's true. Yes, Neil, you're right. It's just
Speaker 4: I don't want to. It's just so much put there
Speaker 4: with him, and and it just breaks my heart that
Speaker 4: this is going to be my deal breaker. And I
Speaker 4: almost feel a little guilty for opening the door to
Speaker 4: this because my knees weren't being there. So I'm presenting
Speaker 4: him with these other options. And have you asked the
Speaker 4: question happens?
Speaker 1: Have you asked him the question straight up? You sexually fluid?
Speaker 1: On your block? Sexual? Why not? That would be something
Speaker 1: you would want to know. Just ask the question, no heat,
Speaker 1: no judgment, don't if you love him, if you care
Speaker 1: about it, don't you want him to be happy? Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: you want him to be happy. And again, you don't
Speaker 1: have to judge it. You don't have to judge it.
Speaker 1: You don't have to feel that you know. And maybe
Speaker 1: you're disappointed because you thought this was a hunk of
Speaker 1: hunk of burning love and it's a hunk a hunk
Speaker 1: of fluid love, you know, But then that's Okay, don't
Speaker 1: make this about him. He has a right to be
Speaker 1: who he is, and who he is is not necessarily
Speaker 1: who and what you want at this time in your life. Again,
Speaker 1: no heat, no judgment that you can work on. Because
Speaker 1: people are sexually fluid today and I'm a prude, I confess,
Speaker 1: I don't want you dressing up like a French maid
Speaker 1: and I'm not doing it either. Well, no, I would
Speaker 1: do that. That I would do, but you know, I
Speaker 1: have a line and to say it. And if I
Speaker 1: find out a book about it before there's a commitment yet,
Speaker 1: that's a deal break. I'm not doing that, and it's okay,
Speaker 1: I shouldn't guilty. Yeah, No, what's making you guilty are
Speaker 1: the judgments about it. Oh my god, this is disgusting,
Speaker 1: this is bad, wrong, And so those judgments about it
Speaker 1: will make you feel guilty. And you know the thing
Speaker 1: is number one, ask the question straight up so you
Speaker 1: know what you're dealing with, and then be authentic and
Speaker 1: honest and say that's just not what I want for myself.
Speaker 1: I just don't want a partner who's fluid. I don't.
Speaker 1: But I want you to have what will make you happy,
Speaker 1: and don't do it. Until you're ready. Don't do it
Speaker 1: until you're ready.
Speaker 4: I I need to talk to him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, take your time, make sure you're ready to have
Speaker 1: the conversation. And you don't have to do anything about
Speaker 1: it today except honor yourself and let your preference be
Speaker 1: known and if it's a deal breaker, it is, and
Speaker 1: see if you can work with this. I'm not choosing
Speaker 1: a sexually fluid partner for myself at this time. I'm
Speaker 1: not choosing a sexually fluid partner for myself at this time.
Speaker 1: That is not my choice, that is not my design.
Speaker 1: And then it makes it about your choice, you own it,
Speaker 1: as opposed to making it about why he wants that
Speaker 1: and why he gotta be like that.
Speaker 4: Okay, yes, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Work with it, get comfortable with it, and when you're ready,
Speaker 1: have the conversation. But I thank you for calling. I
Speaker 1: thank you for your courage. Thank you, and we'll be
Speaker 1: right back right after this. What is your deal breaker?
Speaker 1: So many people don't have one, and then when they're
Speaker 1: faced with certain situations, they accommodate them, tolerate them, they
Speaker 1: make excuses for them, they rationalize them. So we've looked
Speaker 1: at too already, we've looked at illegal activity. That's a
Speaker 1: deal breaker. Anything that you're doing that could get my
Speaker 1: front door kicked in, although they could kick your front
Speaker 1: door and you don't have to be doing anything, but
Speaker 1: that's a whole other show. In legal activity that puts
Speaker 1: both you and your partner in jeopardy, and sexual incompatibility.
Speaker 1: Let's just say that sexual incompatibility can be a deal breaker.
Speaker 1: I mean, there's lots of others. So let me see
Speaker 1: what my callers are saying. Welcome to the our spot.
Speaker 1: We are talking about deal breakers today. Do you have one,
Speaker 1: and if so, what is it?
Speaker 3: Hi?
Speaker 4: There?
Speaker 3: My deal breaker is lying. I have a real hard
Speaker 3: problem with lying, mostly an intimate relationships. You know, a
Speaker 3: boss may lie, and a coworker may live. But when
Speaker 3: a friend lies, when a family member lies, when you
Speaker 3: know a person that you are intimately more intimately with, lies,
Speaker 3: I have a hard time because then it starts to
Speaker 3: erode my trust in them, and I seem to kind
Speaker 3: of sabotage the relationship. After that, I seem to not
Speaker 3: be able to be the same person. I feel like
Speaker 3: I have to always watch their behavior, watch their words.
Speaker 3: And I know that Miss Angelus said, you know when
Speaker 3: somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time,
Speaker 3: and yet it's hard to you know, I will be
Speaker 3: somebody who will cut somebody off right away. But then
Speaker 3: I am also an overthinker, and I think, did I
Speaker 3: cut them off too fast? Did they have a reason
Speaker 3: for lying, did they have a reason for not showing up?
Speaker 3: Or or is that just not something that I should
Speaker 3: even care about? You know, I should put myself first,
Speaker 3: and I should say, you know, I don't accept that.
Speaker 3: I don't accept when people don't show up. I don't
Speaker 3: accept when people don't tell the truth. So yeah, lying
Speaker 3: is really big for me. And it's hard to not
Speaker 3: overthink and kind of make them, you know, process and say, oh,
Speaker 3: you know you lie to me. Can you tell me
Speaker 3: why you lie? Because not everybody enjoys that. You know,
Speaker 3: with a woman, I've been told, you know, you're not
Speaker 3: my boyfriend, I don't have to tell you why I
Speaker 3: didn't show up, you know, Or with the man, they say, hey, man,
Speaker 3: you know, guys don't do that. Guys don't process you
Speaker 3: know why I didn't show up for you or why
Speaker 3: I told you this and I did that, you know.
Speaker 3: So it's hard for me.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, dishonesty. I think that that's that's what it is,
Speaker 1: dishonesty because as you said, it e roades trust. That's
Speaker 1: one of my deal breakers. Dishonesty. I just ooh, it
Speaker 1: just makes my ears bleed. And for me, it's because
Speaker 1: I grew up and they lied to me. Nobody bothered
Speaker 1: to tell me that my mother was dead, and I
Speaker 1: grew up thinking my stepmother was my mother, only to
Speaker 1: discover she wasn't when I was thirty. So lying is
Speaker 1: a problem. Now here's what I want to ask you.
Speaker 1: How do you know they're lying? Do you wait until
Speaker 1: it's revealed or do you sense it? Do you feel?
Speaker 1: How do you know a person lying?
Speaker 3: So it could be in different ways. Right, it could be, Hey,
Speaker 3: I've invited you out multiple times, every time you say yes,
Speaker 3: and then all of a sudden you don't show up.
Speaker 3: You know, something happens up or you know, Hey, you
Speaker 3: know whether it's dating. Right, Hey, you said that you
Speaker 3: like this haircut, but then you seem to not want
Speaker 3: to go out after I got that haircut, Right, So
Speaker 3: it's kind of watching their behavior, watching their words. And
Speaker 3: like I said, I tried to kind of process with
Speaker 3: people in Hey, you said you're going to show up
Speaker 3: for me, you didn't show up. This is like the
Speaker 3: third time. Now you know, is there a problem? And
Speaker 3: they say, you know, some of your business if it's
Speaker 3: if there's a problem, or now you know, my life's busy,
Speaker 3: blah blah blah, And then I say something like, okay, well,
Speaker 3: you know, I really think I show up for you.
Speaker 3: You know, I'd love if you showed up for me,
Speaker 3: And then it becomes yeah, yeah, I'll show up for you,
Speaker 3: and the behavior kind of continues, and that's in different ways.
Speaker 3: Right now, I have trouble either staying or leaving too quickly.
Speaker 3: And you know, I've read you and you said, you know,
Speaker 3: trust myself and trust God, right, And I feel like
Speaker 3: I do. I trust myself that I'll be able to
Speaker 3: handle it. But I also am wondering, am I cutting
Speaker 3: people off too early? Right? Am I not allowing them
Speaker 3: to be you know, children of God and we're all
Speaker 3: flawed and allow them to work through whatever, because maybe,
Speaker 3: like me and maybe like you, they've had people lie
Speaker 3: to them and now they don't show up when they
Speaker 3: say they will because they don't know if I'll be there, right,
Speaker 3: So it's hard to process really what it is.
Speaker 1: But let me ask you this, because the bigger question
Speaker 1: for me is why is it a similar life? Why
Speaker 1: are you attracting people or in relationship with people? And
Speaker 1: it's a really simple question. Where, And you may not know,
Speaker 1: you may not know in this moment, you may just
Speaker 1: want to reflect on it. Where in your life do
Speaker 1: you lie to yourself?
Speaker 3: Well, I think it's similar to season which I feel
Speaker 3: like my family lied to me about different things. I
Speaker 3: have a similar When I was eleven, you know, I
Speaker 3: was I'm biracial and most of my family is white
Speaker 3: that I you know, see a lot, and my grandmother
Speaker 3: told me and I was raised by a white man
Speaker 3: and my mom's half life and my grandma told me,
Speaker 3: that's not your father out of anger one day, right,
Speaker 3: And so at eleven I found out he wasn't my father,
Speaker 3: and you know, all this stuff and just different ways
Speaker 3: that they've lied, right, that they'll show up and they don't.
Speaker 3: And so I think it stems from that and allowing
Speaker 3: my family to lie to me continuously, I also allow
Speaker 3: other people to lie to me because if family is
Speaker 3: the most intimate relationship that I have, right, they're my blood.
Speaker 3: They've raised me all of that, and they're able to
Speaker 3: lie and I'm able to love them, Then how can
Speaker 3: I not love other people when they lie to me?
Speaker 1: I think a higher concept, a higher concept. And this
Speaker 1: was what happened for me as opposed to lying, dishonesty,
Speaker 1: dishonesty because that was the root in my life. People
Speaker 1: were dishonest with me. They didn't tell me the truth
Speaker 1: number one, and then they built this whole story that
Speaker 1: was not true, that was dishonest. They built an environment
Speaker 1: that was dishonest. So I had to look at Okay,
Speaker 1: so where missy Amla, are you being dishonest? How are
Speaker 1: you dishonest? I'll tell you one classic case. Here's the
Speaker 1: place most people lie. I'll call you.
Speaker 3: Back in a little while. I'll be there.
Speaker 1: Two hours, right right, right right. So it's this, there's
Speaker 1: a distinction between telling a lie and dishonesty. And it
Speaker 1: sounds to me like you're dealing with a root cause
Speaker 1: of dishonesty that pulls people in and and you don't
Speaker 1: have to make it about them, make it about well,
Speaker 1: I don't choose to be in relationship with dishonest people.
Speaker 1: And like they said, it's not for you to process.
Speaker 1: Then Okay, it's not if someone gives you their word
Speaker 1: and they don't renegotiate the commitment, the agreement and they
Speaker 1: don't show up or they don't do what they say
Speaker 1: they're gonna do. Check. Okay, got that. And when they
Speaker 1: ask you something, so you know, my experience is that
Speaker 1: you're not honest about or you don't keep your agreements,
Speaker 1: you don't keep your commitments, and that means you don't
Speaker 1: honor me. And so I'm not going to be in
Speaker 1: relationship like that. As opposed to making it about them,
Speaker 1: you lied make it about you. I want to be
Speaker 1: in relationship with people who honor their word, who honored
Speaker 1: their commitments, who honor my trust, who honor my time.
Speaker 1: And if you say you're going to do something and
Speaker 1: don't do it, that doesn't honor me. If you say
Speaker 1: you're going to be somewhere and you don't show up,
Speaker 1: that doesn't honor me. And I just don't choose to
Speaker 1: be in relationship with people. And family will do it
Speaker 1: all the time, but there are no sacred cows. When
Speaker 1: you establish the boundary that you want to be in
Speaker 1: relationship with people that honor you, because you know what
Speaker 1: the root of disarnesty is honor, honor yourself and really
Speaker 1: make it a preference of requirement. Make it about honor
Speaker 1: and honesty as opposed to just out and out lying.
Speaker 1: Because lying ninety nine percent of the time, people lie
Speaker 1: for two reasons. One because they were afraid. Two because
Speaker 1: they don't want to hurt you. That's why people lie.
Speaker 1: And then there's negligence, cleerlessness, irresponsibility that we won't get there.
Speaker 1: Number one, they are afraid. Number two, they think if
Speaker 1: they tell you the truth, it'll hurt you. You know.
Speaker 1: One of the things that I tell people, love me
Speaker 1: enough to tell me the truth and know that I
Speaker 1: can handle them. Love me enough to tell me the truth,
Speaker 1: don't lie to me, don't dishonor me.
Speaker 3: And I feel like it's hard sometimes because I think
Speaker 3: similar to you, and I want to say that to people,
Speaker 3: and you know, maybe I have sometimes, but some people
Speaker 3: are like, whoa, WHOA, what are you talking about? Love
Speaker 3: you enough to tell you the truth, but listen, we're
Speaker 3: just friends. You know, I'm not. We're not gonna have
Speaker 3: to stage your love. You know, we're not even at
Speaker 3: the and and sometimes so then I'm trying to respect
Speaker 3: me enough to tell me the truth, right, respect me
Speaker 3: enough to tell me the truth I can tell me.
Speaker 3: I feel like people don't carry that with them. It's
Speaker 3: a conversation in the moment. They're like, okay, yeah, I'll
Speaker 3: do that, and then they forget about it, or maybe
Speaker 3: they don't care. It's I don't know where to go,
Speaker 3: you know, because people are going to disappoint me, you know,
Speaker 3: if people are going to be dishonest, and I guess
Speaker 3: it's kind of if they continue to well wait.
Speaker 1: A minute, wait a minute, I like, I don't don't
Speaker 1: own that. I deserve to be respected. I deserve that
Speaker 1: and and that is my desire. But if you think
Speaker 1: people will disrespect you, if you think people will lie
Speaker 1: to you, they will. They will. Now, I'm a coach,
Speaker 1: so one of the things that I learned and my
Speaker 1: coaches training is let's say I have an appointment with
Speaker 1: a client at eight o'clock. I give everybody ten minutes grace.
Speaker 1: If you're not there at eight ten, I'm going to
Speaker 1: call you and I'm going to say, hello, are you okay?
Speaker 1: Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. You know, we had
Speaker 1: an appointment at eight o'clock and it's now eight ten.
Speaker 1: And you have an honored our agreement. I just wanted
Speaker 1: to find out if you're okay, And now that I
Speaker 1: know you are, I'm good. And I'd hang up because
Speaker 1: I wouldn't sit nowhere waiting for nobody.
Speaker 3: No two hours, and that's what I tend to do.
Speaker 1: Give them no, no five to ten minute grace period,
Speaker 1: and if they're not there, you want to check and
Speaker 1: make sure they're okay. If they don't answer the phone,
Speaker 1: you say, listen, we had an appointment at eight o'clock,
Speaker 1: four o'clock whatever. You're not here, it's eight ten.
Speaker 3: I'm leaving, said, because if not, then I'm not respecting myself.
Speaker 1: There you go, you're not honoring yourself. You get one
Speaker 1: time to stand me up. That's the deal breaker, and
Speaker 1: you give them a great spirit five minutes, ten minutes,
Speaker 1: fifteen minutes. After that, you don't wait, you leave, or
Speaker 1: if someone says they're going to show up and they don't,
Speaker 1: don't ask them again. Don't expect them to do it
Speaker 1: with that's on you. So the shift has to take
Speaker 1: place in you. Yeah, you're right, because sometimes they may
Speaker 1: have all the good intentions, but you know the road
Speaker 1: to hell is paved with good intentions. But I want you,
Speaker 1: I invite you. I invite you to get clear about
Speaker 1: how you do that to yourself. How do you do
Speaker 1: that to yourself? How do you dishonor yourself out Look
Speaker 1: for all of the ways.
Speaker 3: I'm going to go. I don't go to the gym.
Speaker 3: I say, I'm going to go to bed at nine
Speaker 3: every day. I don't go to bed at nine. I said,
Speaker 3: I'm going to stop eating the whole pint of ice cream.
Speaker 3: The whole pint of ice cream. Yeah, you're right, you're right,
Speaker 3: you're right.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So okay, so you you clean that up, all right.
Speaker 1: And here's here's a little tip. Don't tell anybody I
Speaker 1: told you this. Okay, When when you make an agreement
Speaker 1: with yourself, I'm going to go to bed at nine,
Speaker 1: and you see it's eight fifty five and you are
Speaker 1: not ready to go to bed, renegotiate that agreement. Don't
Speaker 1: leave that agreement standing. Most people miss if you make
Speaker 1: an agreement and you can't honor the agreement renegotiated before
Speaker 1: the time is so, I'm not going to eat this
Speaker 1: whole pint of ice cream. When you get halfway through,
Speaker 1: you say, okay, I made an agreement with myself that
Speaker 1: I'm not going to eat this whole pint of ice cream.
Speaker 1: I'm halfway through and I'm still eating, so let me
Speaker 1: renegotiate it. I'm going to eat it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna gobble it down. I'm not going to
Speaker 1: gobble it down. But I'm going to give myself permission
Speaker 1: to eat this whole pine of ice cream. This time.
Speaker 1: I'll just slow down how fast I eat it. You know,
Speaker 1: whatever it is, renegotiate that agreement. Renegotiate. And the other
Speaker 1: thing that you can do to stop breaking agreements with
Speaker 1: yourself is there's a consequence. So if you eat the
Speaker 1: whole pine of ice cream for the next day, you
Speaker 1: can't watch television, or you can't have you can't. There
Speaker 1: has to be a consequence. The reason people keep breaking
Speaker 1: their agreements with you and dishonoring you is because there's
Speaker 1: no consequence when there's a deal breaker. When you have
Speaker 1: a deal breaker, then must be a consequence when the
Speaker 1: deal is broken, Otherwise they'll just do it again and
Speaker 1: again and again.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I promise you, when you start cleaning up
Speaker 1: your agreements with yourself, you're gonna find that people shift
Speaker 1: or change except family. Family.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, thank you so much. This is very helpful.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Clean that stuff up, get to the gym,
Speaker 1: and leave that ice cream along by Yes, deal breakers,
Speaker 1: here's the important thing to remember, and I said it earlier.
Speaker 1: Once you draw your line in the sand and someone
Speaker 1: crosses the line, don't back up and draw another line.
Speaker 1: Once they cross the line, you must have a consequence.
Speaker 1: So your partner cheats, what's the consequence? Your partner, your
Speaker 1: your mother, They lie to you, what is the consequence?
Speaker 1: People call you out your name? What is the consequence.
Speaker 1: There is sexual incompatibility, what is the consequence? You find
Speaker 1: out someone near and dear to you is engaged in
Speaker 1: illegal activity. What is the consequence. Otherwise it's just today
Speaker 1: going up. It'll dissipate sooner or later. What's your deal breaker?
Speaker 1: Every relationship needs that. Every relationship, your mother, your children,
Speaker 1: your best friend, Every relationship needs that. People in the
Speaker 1: relationship need to know this is unacceptable. Now here's the secret.
Speaker 1: If it is an important relationship to you, whether it's
Speaker 1: your partner or your friend, you know, your kid, your sibling,
Speaker 1: and they do break deal, make sure that you let
Speaker 1: them know that. Make sure that you let them know that.
Speaker 1: Don't assume that they knew calling you out your name,
Speaker 1: or or not showing up or or you know, putting
Speaker 1: their feet up on the kitchen table. Make sure they
Speaker 1: knew that was a deal breaker, because sometimes we have
Speaker 1: deal breakers in ourselves that we don't communicate to the
Speaker 1: other person. Then they break the deal and our hair
Speaker 1: is on fire. Communicate. If you're out there and you're
Speaker 1: in a relationship now, or you're planning to get married
Speaker 1: or commit what is the deal breaker? Have the conversation,
Speaker 1: because if it's an important relationship to you and to
Speaker 1: the other person, they won't break that deal. They don't
Speaker 1: want to risk losing you. So let them know what
Speaker 1: the deal breaker is and let them know what the
Speaker 1: consequence is. If the deal gets broken and they knew
Speaker 1: what it was, then you have to enact the consequence.
Speaker 1: And that the part where it all falls apart. If
Speaker 1: you cheat on me, I'm leaving, they cheat and you
Speaker 1: ask why that is not going to turn out well
Speaker 1: for you. You put your hand on me, that's a
Speaker 1: deal break. You call me too many d's or c's
Speaker 1: or q's or whatever, that's a deal breaker. And if
Speaker 1: you break the deal. This will be the consequence. We
Speaker 1: gotta get there, and you don't have to make it
Speaker 1: a demand. You don't have to scream and holler about it,
Speaker 1: but you have to let the other person know. Remember,
Speaker 1: a deal breaker is a boundary, and boundaries are erected
Speaker 1: and established to keep you safe, and we deserve to
Speaker 1: be safe in all of our relationships. Here's another thing.
Speaker 1: If someone breaks the deal and you have to shift
Speaker 1: the relationship, meaning move away, move out, not speak for
Speaker 1: a while. You don't have to stop loving the person.
Speaker 1: You don't have to stop loving them, but you get
Speaker 1: to choose how you're going to participate in the way
Speaker 1: that they love. Keep that in mind and keep your
Speaker 1: relationships healthy. And if you haven't had that discussion with
Speaker 1: your partner, with your sister, with your adult children, with
Speaker 1: your best friend, with whoever, have the conversation. I need
Speaker 1: you to know. This is an important relationship to me,
Speaker 1: and I'd love for us to continue to grow this relationship.
Speaker 1: But I need to let you know what my dealreate is,
Speaker 1: and then you let them know. And when this deal
Speaker 1: is broken, it says to me either that you don't
Speaker 1: care or this relationship is an important to you, and
Speaker 1: I need to know, if I need you to know.
Speaker 1: If you break this deal, I'm out. I'm out. I
Speaker 1: hope you heard something that you can use today to
Speaker 1: make all of your relationships better, to make them help healthy,
Speaker 1: to help them grow, and to help you grow. I'll
Speaker 1: see you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace
Speaker 1: and not in pieces. Bye. The R Spot is a
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite show.