1 00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:04,040 Speaker 1: I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was 2 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:08,440 Speaker 1: a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my 3 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:13,000 Speaker 1: love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and 4 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:17,880 Speaker 1: deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is 5 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:21,360 Speaker 1: and what it is not. I want to share some 6 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:27,200 Speaker 1: of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to 7 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:31,360 Speaker 1: the R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership 8 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:50,920 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome. This is our spot, the place 9 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,240 Speaker 1: we come to talk about all kinds of relationships, the 10 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 1: challenges and issues that we find in relationships. The place 11 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:03,600 Speaker 1: we come to learn skills, tools and practices to up level, 12 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:10,960 Speaker 1: improve and deepen our connection in relationships. I am Yamla, 13 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:19,040 Speaker 1: your guide, your host, your support mechanism, sometimes your cargon wheel, 14 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,880 Speaker 1: sometimes a little cold water in your face. I will 15 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,080 Speaker 1: be whatever it is that is required to get you 16 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:31,120 Speaker 1: on base in your relationships. I want to talk about 17 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:37,720 Speaker 1: something today that I think many people overlook. They overlook 18 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,319 Speaker 1: creating it, they overlook the importance of it, and they 19 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:45,840 Speaker 1: overlook the process for enacting it. And that's a deal breaker. 20 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:52,320 Speaker 1: What is your deal breaker? Whenever I coach a couple 21 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:56,600 Speaker 1: or support a couple, who's about to get married. There 22 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,280 Speaker 1: are certain questions that I ask them. I asked them 23 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:03,320 Speaker 1: how are they to make financial decisions? I ask them 24 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:08,160 Speaker 1: when there is an upset or breakdown in the marriage, 25 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,519 Speaker 1: who are the two people that they can go to 26 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:15,640 Speaker 1: to get support inside guidance? And then I ask each 27 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:20,680 Speaker 1: partner what's your deal breaker? Sometimes they look at me 28 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:24,160 Speaker 1: as though I have horns growing out my head. What 29 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,480 Speaker 1: do you mean? I mean, what is your deal breaker? 30 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,320 Speaker 1: What is going to end this thing on the spot 31 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:35,600 Speaker 1: right then, right there if it unfolds, Because if you 32 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,000 Speaker 1: don't know that, if you don't know what your deal 33 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:42,760 Speaker 1: breaker is, if you don't have that boundary established, you 34 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:47,280 Speaker 1: can find yourself in a situation where your partner is 35 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:53,760 Speaker 1: just behaving badly and you are accommodating, tolerating, putting up 36 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,959 Speaker 1: with something that goes against the very grain of who 37 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:03,359 Speaker 1: you are. Deal It's a boundary, deal breaker, It's a 38 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:08,000 Speaker 1: line in the sand, and so very often we draw 39 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:11,639 Speaker 1: our line in the sand, and then when somebody crosses it, 40 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:15,000 Speaker 1: we back up and draw another line, and before you 41 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:18,600 Speaker 1: know it, we have backed ourselves right out of the room. 42 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:24,480 Speaker 1: Deal Breakers, This is the thing or the things that 43 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:31,120 Speaker 1: violate the very essence of who you are. A deal 44 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:34,760 Speaker 1: breaker is meant to remedy that, because there has to 45 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 1: be a place where you say, not me, not today. 46 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:44,040 Speaker 1: I am not the one. I cannot tell you how 47 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:48,720 Speaker 1: many couples that I've spoken to over the years where 48 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:56,360 Speaker 1: one partner is simply, like I said, accommodating, tolerating, rationalizing, 49 00:03:56,840 --> 00:04:02,200 Speaker 1: excusing an unacceptable bad way behavior and they stay that 50 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:07,000 Speaker 1: way for years, hoping that it will change, and it 51 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:11,200 Speaker 1: doesn't change. And what they do is complain and complain. 52 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:15,200 Speaker 1: They fuss, they holler, they complain, they complain. The behavior 53 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:19,919 Speaker 1: doesn't change because it's not a deal breaker. A deal 54 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,920 Speaker 1: breaker is very clear. A deal breaker is stated up front, 55 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:28,719 Speaker 1: both partners know what the deal breaker is, and if 56 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:33,760 Speaker 1: that deal is broken, the relationship is done. I don't 57 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,880 Speaker 1: care if you got nine kids, six turtles, two cats, 58 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:41,600 Speaker 1: and a dog do this. I'm out. I don't think 59 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:46,000 Speaker 1: many people create deal breakers in their relationships. Now, this 60 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:49,919 Speaker 1: is not something that your partner asks you that maybe 61 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,240 Speaker 1: you don't want to do or you don't like doing. 62 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 1: Not talking about that, I'm talking about something that violates 63 00:04:56,480 --> 00:05:00,680 Speaker 1: the very essence of who you are, something that creates 64 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:06,280 Speaker 1: disruption on your soul? Is it cheating? Is it lying? 65 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,320 Speaker 1: Is it calling you out of your name? Is it 66 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:17,200 Speaker 1: physical violence? Is it poor financial skills? What is your 67 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:20,880 Speaker 1: deal breaker? Well, that's what we're talking about today. I 68 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,240 Speaker 1: want to make sure that people have deal breakers and 69 00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:25,400 Speaker 1: if they have them, that they're living up to them, 70 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:28,000 Speaker 1: and if they don't have them, that they have the 71 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:35,120 Speaker 1: conversation now to establish that boundary, that deal breaker. So 72 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,800 Speaker 1: I've got some callers today and we're going to see 73 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:47,719 Speaker 1: what they're saying. Let me take my first caller. Welcome, beloved, 74 00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:51,520 Speaker 1: Welcome to the R Spot. Today we are talking about 75 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:57,159 Speaker 1: deal breakers, that thing that ends a relationship on the spot, 76 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,880 Speaker 1: if it is broken, Do you have a deal breaker? 77 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,080 Speaker 1: And if so, what is it? 78 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,799 Speaker 2: Good evening, miss Yana. Yes, I do have a deal breaker? 79 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,680 Speaker 1: Okay, you got one or more than one? 80 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:13,160 Speaker 2: H Well, the major one that's going to cancel it 81 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,840 Speaker 2: right off the bat is anything that my partner is 82 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 2: doing that is illegal that is going to get him 83 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:24,520 Speaker 2: placed in prison or or us sent to the slammer. 84 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,680 Speaker 2: Anything illegal that he's doing, that's an immediate deal breaker. 85 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:34,240 Speaker 1: Okay. In illegal activity, we're talking about what drug sales? 86 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:40,000 Speaker 3: Yes, Okay, yes, How did how. 87 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,440 Speaker 1: Did you get to that? How did you get to 88 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,320 Speaker 1: illegal activity? I don't think I've heard that one him 89 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,560 Speaker 1: a long time. How did you get to that? 90 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:48,440 Speaker 4: Well? 91 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,159 Speaker 2: Because I am a woman of a particular age who 92 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:56,160 Speaker 2: in my younger years was drawn to bad boys, and 93 00:06:56,240 --> 00:07:00,000 Speaker 2: I dated too bad boys. In particular, I have had 94 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:05,520 Speaker 2: at my near death experiences and near prison experiences. One 95 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:09,520 Speaker 2: in particular, a man that I dated who was a 96 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:13,680 Speaker 2: monster to others in the street, but a gentleman to me, 97 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:17,640 Speaker 2: and at that time my humorists found that to be 98 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:22,760 Speaker 2: very attractive. I hid the relationship from my family. My 99 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 2: mother did not know what was going on with this gentleman. 100 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,520 Speaker 2: But he wound up. He and I we had our 101 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,960 Speaker 2: shaff of ups and downs, but he and I broke 102 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:35,040 Speaker 2: up probably two weeks prior to him and three of 103 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:39,320 Speaker 2: his friends going to Freehold, New Jersey to rob a 104 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:43,360 Speaker 2: jewelry store, and the story wound up on the news. 105 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,880 Speaker 2: He wound up on America's Most Wanted. Like I wish 106 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:50,240 Speaker 2: I was making this up. The story is literally a 107 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,720 Speaker 2: news article that you can google. It was everywhere all 108 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:56,120 Speaker 2: over the news. They went and robbed the jewelry store, 109 00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:02,400 Speaker 2: tied up the store employees got away with thousands and 110 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:06,080 Speaker 2: thousands of dollars in jewelry. With on the run, there 111 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:09,400 Speaker 2: was a high speed chase. One of the gentlemen perished 112 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,320 Speaker 2: in the car crash where the police were chasing them. 113 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:15,920 Speaker 2: The other three got away for a while, two were caught. 114 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,600 Speaker 2: He was on the land for a while, but he 115 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,640 Speaker 2: eventually got caught. And I said, that was nothing but 116 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,600 Speaker 2: God that intervened in me breaking up with him prior 117 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:27,280 Speaker 2: to that happened. And because again my immaturity in humorist 118 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:31,480 Speaker 2: and not understanding that lifestyle, not being from it and 119 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:35,320 Speaker 2: finding it to be something that I was attracted to 120 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:39,439 Speaker 2: at that time, would have had me probably caught up. 121 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,959 Speaker 2: If he and I were still dating, I probably would 122 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:45,000 Speaker 2: have been so naive as to have him come to 123 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,960 Speaker 2: my apartment and hide from the police like it was 124 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:50,800 Speaker 2: just a mess. It was just it was a complete mess. 125 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:54,360 Speaker 2: And that, yeah, that whole incident is something that scared 126 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:58,040 Speaker 2: me so badly that I never you know, after that, 127 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:03,400 Speaker 2: it was only above board men in corporates, men who 128 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:06,600 Speaker 2: were about something and not of the street life, that 129 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:07,800 Speaker 2: I was more drawn to. 130 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,840 Speaker 1: Let me ask you a question, did you know he 131 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:16,160 Speaker 1: was about that life. Did you know he was about 132 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,559 Speaker 1: that life? I did? 133 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:21,120 Speaker 2: I did, and I wanted to believe that he would 134 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:25,320 Speaker 2: not go that far. I wanted to believe that. 135 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:27,640 Speaker 4: Yeah. 136 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,920 Speaker 1: So what did you tell yourself that allowed you to stay? 137 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,480 Speaker 1: What did you think he was doing? 138 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:40,600 Speaker 2: I thought he was only selling drugs. 139 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:48,040 Speaker 1: One drugs right, or poisons into the community, exactly right? 140 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,440 Speaker 1: Exactly how old were you? 141 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:58,280 Speaker 2: Oh, gosh, I was probably two, probably twenty two, twenty three. 142 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,480 Speaker 1: So what what is attractive about the bad boy? What 143 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:03,880 Speaker 1: is it? 144 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:10,760 Speaker 2: It is the bravado. It is the confidence, the aggression, 145 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:19,960 Speaker 2: the take arch attitude. It is the protectionist aspect of it, 146 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:27,360 Speaker 2: especially coming from this is hard to say, a fatherless home, 147 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,679 Speaker 2: so to speak. I have father figures and father examples, 148 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:34,240 Speaker 2: but my own father was absent and not having that 149 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:39,560 Speaker 2: protection in a man, not having that someone who I 150 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:41,960 Speaker 2: could call if there was a problem, who I knew 151 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,440 Speaker 2: would handle things for me, who would again be a 152 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,439 Speaker 2: monster to others, but a gentleman to me. He never 153 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,600 Speaker 2: raised a hand to me, never a finger toward me, 154 00:10:51,679 --> 00:10:54,520 Speaker 2: but I knew his aggressive side toward others, and for 155 00:10:54,559 --> 00:10:56,200 Speaker 2: whatever reason I was drawn to that. 156 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,920 Speaker 1: Did you have little rep in the community about being 157 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,120 Speaker 1: his lady. 158 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 3: I did. 159 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:13,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, I just thought I would ask, so nobody messed 160 00:11:13,679 --> 00:11:22,200 Speaker 1: with you, right exactly. Yeah, is a good one. So, 161 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,679 Speaker 1: now that you're away from bad boys, do you have 162 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:28,160 Speaker 1: any other deal breakers? Today? You've got a legal activity? 163 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,640 Speaker 1: What else is there anything else? 164 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:35,040 Speaker 2: I would for sure say, just because I don't have 165 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,880 Speaker 2: a list, but I would say, a man who is 166 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:40,440 Speaker 2: not of God, a man who is not on his purpose, 167 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,320 Speaker 2: his God's purpose, you know, a man who is not healed, 168 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,120 Speaker 2: and who doesn't know himself. So all those things come 169 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,120 Speaker 2: under following God and a christ like man and a 170 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:53,679 Speaker 2: man who's on his purpose. Anything opposite of the opposite 171 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:55,240 Speaker 2: of that would not be for me. That would be 172 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:55,920 Speaker 2: a dope breaker. 173 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:01,359 Speaker 1: Okay, well, thank you so much at you for reminding 174 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,400 Speaker 1: me of this one. This is one I haven't heard 175 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:09,040 Speaker 1: in a long long time. Illegal activity. Alrighty now, Now, 176 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:13,560 Speaker 1: if he's not and if he's not selling drugs or 177 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:17,600 Speaker 1: Robin Jewels restores, and he's on purpose, you'll give him 178 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:24,280 Speaker 1: a chance. All right, Good to know. Thank you for calling, beloved, 179 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:34,000 Speaker 1: Thank you alrighty bye bye. Yeah, I haven't heard that 180 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:38,600 Speaker 1: one in such a long time. Illegal activity. Now, I've 181 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:43,240 Speaker 1: also heard situations where the person was involved in illegal 182 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,080 Speaker 1: activity and the partner didn't know. I have a friend 183 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:49,000 Speaker 1: who had their kid in at two o'clock in the 184 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:52,480 Speaker 1: morning by the police and they got dragged through the house. 185 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:56,560 Speaker 1: It was quite a mess because the partner was involved 186 00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:00,640 Speaker 1: in illegal activity. So this also speaks to the need 187 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:02,880 Speaker 1: to really know who the person is. You got to 188 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,480 Speaker 1: do your due diligence. You got to see where they live, 189 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,280 Speaker 1: you got to know where their mama live. You got 190 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:11,960 Speaker 1: to really get into some nitty gritty so they get called. 191 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:18,160 Speaker 1: Let's see my next callers say, and we'll talk about 192 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:33,280 Speaker 1: that when we come back. Welcome to loved, Welcome to 193 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,680 Speaker 1: the R Spot. We've got a hot topic today. We're 194 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,240 Speaker 1: talking about deal breakers. 195 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:39,280 Speaker 4: What is it? 196 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:42,160 Speaker 1: What is your deal breaker that will end the relationship 197 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,800 Speaker 1: on the spot as soon as you know about it? 198 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,240 Speaker 1: Do you have one? And if so, what is it? 199 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:56,120 Speaker 4: Well? I think that my deal breaker involves sex, and. 200 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:02,640 Speaker 1: I'm okay, tell me more. 201 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:07,720 Speaker 4: Well, I and first, I'm so thank you for taking 202 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,959 Speaker 4: my call. And it's just a blessing to be on 203 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:12,439 Speaker 4: the phone with you. You've just you just don't know 204 00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:15,120 Speaker 4: what a light you've been in my life. Oh, thank you, 205 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:19,760 Speaker 4: so thank you for the work that you do. I'm 206 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,480 Speaker 4: in a relationship with someone for over a year now 207 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:27,640 Speaker 4: and he's about twenty years older than me, and our 208 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,720 Speaker 4: relationship works well, but in the bedroom things have gotten 209 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:36,320 Speaker 4: complicated here recently. We waited quite a few months before 210 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:41,360 Speaker 4: we decided to be intimate, and once we were, he 211 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:47,960 Speaker 4: was having trouble with staying erect and you know, and 212 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,040 Speaker 4: being sixty years old, there could be health issues and 213 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:55,040 Speaker 4: all that. So I was being as understanding as I 214 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,800 Speaker 4: could be about it. And it's not a deal breaker 215 00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:01,000 Speaker 4: for me that part of it, because there's other intimacy 216 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:05,440 Speaker 4: that that's that works for me. We were, we were 217 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:12,880 Speaker 4: in the throes of passion, and he expressed to me 218 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:19,240 Speaker 4: some fantasies about getting a third person involved. 219 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,320 Speaker 1: Okay, and. 220 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:30,479 Speaker 4: And I was open to that if it was a male. 221 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:36,800 Speaker 1: And hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, 222 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:43,040 Speaker 1: hold up. Think you just a slide right by that one, right, 223 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,920 Speaker 1: But let me see if I got this. So your 224 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:55,240 Speaker 1: partner was is open to inviting a third person. He's 225 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 1: having some difficulties. Yes, you all have other forms of 226 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:03,760 Speaker 1: into the scene. Yeah, he is open to having a 227 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:09,760 Speaker 1: third person. Do you want it male so that your 228 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,000 Speaker 1: needs would be met that accurate? 229 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 4: Yes, mm hmm. 230 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 1: And he wants it to be a. 231 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:24,280 Speaker 4: Femle a man now, oh yeah, and. 232 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:32,720 Speaker 1: Wait, I'm confused. He wants the third person to be 233 00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:33,320 Speaker 1: a male. 234 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:37,400 Speaker 4: Now we haven't sat down and had a conversation about 235 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:41,560 Speaker 4: what we have done. Is kind of have these fantasies 236 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,640 Speaker 4: where we're talking about it, you know, in the throwth 237 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:49,280 Speaker 4: of passion, and you know, we're saying things like what 238 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,640 Speaker 4: we'd like this person to do if they were there 239 00:16:54,160 --> 00:17:01,680 Speaker 4: in the space with us. And you know, just last 240 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:06,000 Speaker 4: night he said some things that just alarmed me. 241 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:08,600 Speaker 1: Okay, and. 242 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,440 Speaker 4: In my mind's eye, I was trying to picture some 243 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,359 Speaker 4: of these things that he was saying. 244 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:15,040 Speaker 1: And. 245 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:22,080 Speaker 4: I didn't like it. It made me I started like 246 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:27,359 Speaker 4: feeling red flags all over the place. He feels like 247 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,680 Speaker 4: a good fit for me, but this part of it, 248 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,359 Speaker 4: I just don't know if I can get past it. 249 00:17:35,119 --> 00:17:38,400 Speaker 4: And I don't want to say. I don't want to say. 250 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,840 Speaker 4: I don't want to say, you know, like that's perverted 251 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,199 Speaker 4: or anything of that sort, because I don't want him 252 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:48,320 Speaker 4: to feel like his feelings are unnatural, although for me 253 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:53,879 Speaker 4: they do seem unnatural in some ways. 254 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:59,000 Speaker 1: So let me ask you just take take a breath, 255 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:06,119 Speaker 1: take a breath, and thank you for your honesty, your authenticity. 256 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:10,000 Speaker 1: So I just want to ask you a question. Okay, 257 00:18:12,119 --> 00:18:16,040 Speaker 1: what are you acting like? You don't know? What are 258 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:20,480 Speaker 1: you acting like you don't know? As it relates to 259 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,480 Speaker 1: this situation with the partner, with your partner, what are 260 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:30,080 Speaker 1: you acting like you don't know? Take a breath. 261 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:40,159 Speaker 4: That he may be open to a relationship with a 262 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:40,920 Speaker 4: man himself. 263 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,560 Speaker 1: Oh oh, okay, take a breath. 264 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,680 Speaker 4: So if he has, I just can't imagine that, well 265 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,040 Speaker 4: I can't after last night. 266 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,439 Speaker 1: Why can't you imagine just. 267 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,680 Speaker 4: The way he presents himself in the world who he is, 268 00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,960 Speaker 4: you know, that's your judgment. 269 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:04,200 Speaker 1: That's your judgment, the way he presents himself in the world. 270 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:07,560 Speaker 1: But if he can be with a woman and with 271 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,560 Speaker 1: a man, what does that say to you that he 272 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:11,560 Speaker 1: is potentially what. 273 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:15,280 Speaker 4: Bisexual? 274 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:23,119 Speaker 1: Oh? Okay, say it again, bisexual? Okay, take a breath, 275 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,239 Speaker 1: And what are your judgments about that? What are your 276 00:19:31,359 --> 00:19:32,159 Speaker 1: thoughts about that? 277 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:49,680 Speaker 4: My thoughts about that is that that's not that's not 278 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,560 Speaker 4: my idea of the marriage that I would want in 279 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:56,399 Speaker 4: the future. Okay, that's okay. 280 00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:00,720 Speaker 1: So saying that I'm on that team, I'm not on 281 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 1: that committee. That's it. Love you mean it. I'm not 282 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,000 Speaker 1: on that committee. And I want you to be happy. 283 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:12,439 Speaker 1: And there are some people, women, men, whoever, that are 284 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,879 Speaker 1: okay with that. You're not. But are you okay with 285 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,639 Speaker 1: the fact that you're not okay with it? 286 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,080 Speaker 4: I think that's the part that I'm struggling the most. Wins. Yeah, 287 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:31,400 Speaker 4: am I being judgmental? Am I judging? Am I being 288 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,399 Speaker 4: a judging person? 289 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:38,080 Speaker 1: Well, the judgment, the judgment would be it's not natural, 290 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,280 Speaker 1: it's not right, it's not those the judgments. But a 291 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,920 Speaker 1: preference would be I ain't on that committee. I don't 292 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,600 Speaker 1: get down like that. Just I mean, it's at a 293 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,480 Speaker 1: deal break a few to be in relationship with a 294 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:55,720 Speaker 1: sex fluid or bicycle partner. Let me tell you a 295 00:20:55,840 --> 00:21:01,600 Speaker 1: quick story, kind of funny. So maybe about ten years ago, 296 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:06,720 Speaker 1: maybe a little longer, thongs were a big thing for women, 297 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,480 Speaker 1: you know, I mean the everyday woman. I think years ago, 298 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,680 Speaker 1: maybe you know, dancers, strippers, maybe they wore thongs. I 299 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:19,199 Speaker 1: don't know, you had to wear a thong to the office. 300 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:24,360 Speaker 1: But all of my friends was buying thongs. I, oh, 301 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,879 Speaker 1: you gotta get a thong. A thong? Well, what is 302 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 1: a thong? So I go to get a thong with 303 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,639 Speaker 1: the with the little string, and you know they, Oh 304 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:35,960 Speaker 1: they're so pretty victorious secrets. He had some lovely ones 305 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:39,640 Speaker 1: and the little ladies and the they girl, I put 306 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:45,280 Speaker 1: that thing off. That string got a hold of my booty. 307 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,600 Speaker 1: Let's suffering. Why would I do this? 308 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:51,160 Speaker 4: Ever? 309 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:54,800 Speaker 1: And so all my Oh it looks so nice in 310 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:59,440 Speaker 1: your clothes, y'all go right ahead. Okay, I am not 311 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:03,760 Speaker 1: wearing the thong. I'm not on that committee. Okay. I 312 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,600 Speaker 1: didn't make them wrong for wearing the thongs. I didn't 313 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,280 Speaker 1: talk bad about them because they were. It's just not 314 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:15,040 Speaker 1: for me. He may be a guy or maybe really 315 00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:19,600 Speaker 1: good together. Either that or you're gonna live sex sicel life. 316 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:24,840 Speaker 1: If he's having difficulty being with you, If he's having 317 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:30,879 Speaker 1: difficulty being with you even at his age, do you 318 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:35,600 Speaker 1: want to live a sexice life or do you want 319 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:39,399 Speaker 1: to choose where you can have it at all? He 320 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,840 Speaker 1: don't have to be wrong for that, It doesn't have 321 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,080 Speaker 1: to be unnatural for that. That's your stuff. You can 322 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 1: work on that. But I don't roll like that not 323 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:53,520 Speaker 1: my choice, and the fact that you were willing to 324 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:58,400 Speaker 1: do it with a woman, if that was tickling his fancy, 325 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,280 Speaker 1: would say, that's pretty open. 326 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:11,760 Speaker 4: Mm hmm, that's true. Yes, Neil, you're right. It's just 327 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:14,960 Speaker 4: I don't want to. It's just so much put there 328 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,560 Speaker 4: with him, and and it just breaks my heart that 329 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:22,359 Speaker 4: this is going to be my deal breaker. And I 330 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,119 Speaker 4: almost feel a little guilty for opening the door to 331 00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:32,200 Speaker 4: this because my knees weren't being there. So I'm presenting 332 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:36,399 Speaker 4: him with these other options. And have you asked the 333 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:37,320 Speaker 4: question happens? 334 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,600 Speaker 1: Have you asked him the question straight up? You sexually fluid? 335 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,760 Speaker 1: On your block? Sexual? Why not? That would be something 336 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:50,480 Speaker 1: you would want to know. Just ask the question, no heat, 337 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:54,760 Speaker 1: no judgment, don't if you love him, if you care 338 00:23:54,840 --> 00:24:00,320 Speaker 1: about it, don't you want him to be happy? Yes, yeah, 339 00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: you want him to be happy. And again, you don't 340 00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:07,359 Speaker 1: have to judge it. You don't have to judge it. 341 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,720 Speaker 1: You don't have to feel that you know. And maybe 342 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,280 Speaker 1: you're disappointed because you thought this was a hunk of 343 00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:16,880 Speaker 1: hunk of burning love and it's a hunk a hunk 344 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:25,800 Speaker 1: of fluid love, you know, But then that's Okay, don't 345 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:29,040 Speaker 1: make this about him. He has a right to be 346 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:33,600 Speaker 1: who he is, and who he is is not necessarily 347 00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:37,639 Speaker 1: who and what you want at this time in your life. Again, 348 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:42,480 Speaker 1: no heat, no judgment that you can work on. Because 349 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:47,600 Speaker 1: people are sexually fluid today and I'm a prude, I confess, 350 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,160 Speaker 1: I don't want you dressing up like a French maid 351 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:55,040 Speaker 1: and I'm not doing it either. Well, no, I would 352 00:24:55,119 --> 00:25:02,800 Speaker 1: do that. That I would do, but you know, I 353 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:05,960 Speaker 1: have a line and to say it. And if I 354 00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:09,400 Speaker 1: find out a book about it before there's a commitment yet, 355 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:14,600 Speaker 1: that's a deal break. I'm not doing that, and it's okay, 356 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:19,919 Speaker 1: I shouldn't guilty. Yeah, No, what's making you guilty are 357 00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:22,840 Speaker 1: the judgments about it. Oh my god, this is disgusting, 358 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:27,680 Speaker 1: this is bad, wrong, And so those judgments about it 359 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:32,720 Speaker 1: will make you feel guilty. And you know the thing 360 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 1: is number one, ask the question straight up so you 361 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,000 Speaker 1: know what you're dealing with, and then be authentic and 362 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:45,440 Speaker 1: honest and say that's just not what I want for myself. 363 00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:49,640 Speaker 1: I just don't want a partner who's fluid. I don't. 364 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,359 Speaker 1: But I want you to have what will make you happy, 365 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:01,840 Speaker 1: and don't do it. Until you're ready. Don't do it 366 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:02,680 Speaker 1: until you're ready. 367 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:08,600 Speaker 4: I I need to talk to him. 368 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, take your time, make sure you're ready to have 369 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:17,000 Speaker 1: the conversation. And you don't have to do anything about 370 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:21,600 Speaker 1: it today except honor yourself and let your preference be 371 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:30,720 Speaker 1: known and if it's a deal breaker, it is, and 372 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:34,240 Speaker 1: see if you can work with this. I'm not choosing 373 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:40,320 Speaker 1: a sexually fluid partner for myself at this time. I'm 374 00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:44,360 Speaker 1: not choosing a sexually fluid partner for myself at this time. 375 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:47,880 Speaker 1: That is not my choice, that is not my design. 376 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,960 Speaker 1: And then it makes it about your choice, you own it, 377 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,159 Speaker 1: as opposed to making it about why he wants that 378 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:56,680 Speaker 1: and why he gotta be like that. 379 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:10,400 Speaker 4: Okay, yes, yes, ma'am. 380 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:14,560 Speaker 1: Work with it, get comfortable with it, and when you're ready, 381 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,840 Speaker 1: have the conversation. But I thank you for calling. I 382 00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:24,119 Speaker 1: thank you for your courage. Thank you, and we'll be 383 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:36,080 Speaker 1: right back right after this. What is your deal breaker? 384 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:39,600 Speaker 1: So many people don't have one, and then when they're 385 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:43,600 Speaker 1: faced with certain situations, they accommodate them, tolerate them, they 386 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:47,560 Speaker 1: make excuses for them, they rationalize them. So we've looked 387 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:51,320 Speaker 1: at too already, we've looked at illegal activity. That's a 388 00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:54,520 Speaker 1: deal breaker. Anything that you're doing that could get my 389 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,360 Speaker 1: front door kicked in, although they could kick your front 390 00:27:57,359 --> 00:27:59,080 Speaker 1: door and you don't have to be doing anything, but 391 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:02,840 Speaker 1: that's a whole other show. In legal activity that puts 392 00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:10,480 Speaker 1: both you and your partner in jeopardy, and sexual incompatibility. 393 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:15,320 Speaker 1: Let's just say that sexual incompatibility can be a deal breaker. 394 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,960 Speaker 1: I mean, there's lots of others. So let me see 395 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:25,760 Speaker 1: what my callers are saying. Welcome to the our spot. 396 00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:29,640 Speaker 1: We are talking about deal breakers today. Do you have one, 397 00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:31,080 Speaker 1: and if so, what is it? 398 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:33,199 Speaker 3: Hi? 399 00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:33,399 Speaker 4: There? 400 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:36,240 Speaker 3: My deal breaker is lying. I have a real hard 401 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,560 Speaker 3: problem with lying, mostly an intimate relationships. You know, a 402 00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:42,680 Speaker 3: boss may lie, and a coworker may live. But when 403 00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:46,600 Speaker 3: a friend lies, when a family member lies, when you 404 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:51,320 Speaker 3: know a person that you are intimately more intimately with, lies, 405 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:53,520 Speaker 3: I have a hard time because then it starts to 406 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:56,280 Speaker 3: erode my trust in them, and I seem to kind 407 00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:59,200 Speaker 3: of sabotage the relationship. After that, I seem to not 408 00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:01,960 Speaker 3: be able to be the same person. I feel like 409 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:05,720 Speaker 3: I have to always watch their behavior, watch their words. 410 00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:08,680 Speaker 3: And I know that Miss Angelus said, you know when 411 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:11,760 Speaker 3: somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time, 412 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,720 Speaker 3: and yet it's hard to you know, I will be 413 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:16,960 Speaker 3: somebody who will cut somebody off right away. But then 414 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,960 Speaker 3: I am also an overthinker, and I think, did I 415 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:22,480 Speaker 3: cut them off too fast? Did they have a reason 416 00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:24,720 Speaker 3: for lying, did they have a reason for not showing up? 417 00:29:24,880 --> 00:29:27,640 Speaker 3: Or or is that just not something that I should 418 00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:30,000 Speaker 3: even care about? You know, I should put myself first, 419 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,120 Speaker 3: and I should say, you know, I don't accept that. 420 00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:34,200 Speaker 3: I don't accept when people don't show up. I don't 421 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:37,440 Speaker 3: accept when people don't tell the truth. So yeah, lying 422 00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:39,440 Speaker 3: is really big for me. And it's hard to not 423 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:45,440 Speaker 3: overthink and kind of make them, you know, process and say, oh, 424 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:47,080 Speaker 3: you know you lie to me. Can you tell me 425 00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,800 Speaker 3: why you lie? Because not everybody enjoys that. You know, 426 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:51,800 Speaker 3: with a woman, I've been told, you know, you're not 427 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:54,120 Speaker 3: my boyfriend, I don't have to tell you why I 428 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,080 Speaker 3: didn't show up, you know, Or with the man, they say, hey, man, 429 00:29:57,320 --> 00:29:59,720 Speaker 3: you know, guys don't do that. Guys don't process you 430 00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:01,480 Speaker 3: know why I didn't show up for you or why 431 00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:03,160 Speaker 3: I told you this and I did that, you know. 432 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:04,040 Speaker 3: So it's hard for me. 433 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:10,600 Speaker 1: Oh wow, dishonesty. I think that that's that's what it is, 434 00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:15,680 Speaker 1: dishonesty because as you said, it e roades trust. That's 435 00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:20,480 Speaker 1: one of my deal breakers. Dishonesty. I just ooh, it 436 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:24,760 Speaker 1: just makes my ears bleed. And for me, it's because 437 00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:28,720 Speaker 1: I grew up and they lied to me. Nobody bothered 438 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:30,920 Speaker 1: to tell me that my mother was dead, and I 439 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,800 Speaker 1: grew up thinking my stepmother was my mother, only to 440 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:37,520 Speaker 1: discover she wasn't when I was thirty. So lying is 441 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:40,720 Speaker 1: a problem. Now here's what I want to ask you. 442 00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:45,120 Speaker 1: How do you know they're lying? Do you wait until 443 00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:48,160 Speaker 1: it's revealed or do you sense it? Do you feel? 444 00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:49,400 Speaker 1: How do you know a person lying? 445 00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:52,840 Speaker 3: So it could be in different ways. Right, it could be, Hey, 446 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:57,000 Speaker 3: I've invited you out multiple times, every time you say yes, 447 00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:58,719 Speaker 3: and then all of a sudden you don't show up. 448 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:03,200 Speaker 3: You know, something happens up or you know, Hey, you 449 00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:05,680 Speaker 3: know whether it's dating. Right, Hey, you said that you 450 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:09,320 Speaker 3: like this haircut, but then you seem to not want 451 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:11,440 Speaker 3: to go out after I got that haircut, Right, So 452 00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:15,800 Speaker 3: it's kind of watching their behavior, watching their words. And 453 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:18,040 Speaker 3: like I said, I tried to kind of process with 454 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,440 Speaker 3: people in Hey, you said you're going to show up 455 00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:23,040 Speaker 3: for me, you didn't show up. This is like the 456 00:31:23,120 --> 00:31:25,240 Speaker 3: third time. Now you know, is there a problem? And 457 00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:27,640 Speaker 3: they say, you know, some of your business if it's 458 00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,520 Speaker 3: if there's a problem, or now you know, my life's busy, 459 00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:34,080 Speaker 3: blah blah blah, And then I say something like, okay, well, 460 00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:36,280 Speaker 3: you know, I really think I show up for you. 461 00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:37,960 Speaker 3: You know, I'd love if you showed up for me, 462 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,120 Speaker 3: And then it becomes yeah, yeah, I'll show up for you, 463 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:43,840 Speaker 3: and the behavior kind of continues, and that's in different ways. 464 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:47,640 Speaker 3: Right now, I have trouble either staying or leaving too quickly. 465 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:50,600 Speaker 3: And you know, I've read you and you said, you know, 466 00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:53,880 Speaker 3: trust myself and trust God, right, And I feel like 467 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 3: I do. I trust myself that I'll be able to 468 00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:59,280 Speaker 3: handle it. But I also am wondering, am I cutting 469 00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:01,840 Speaker 3: people off too early? Right? Am I not allowing them 470 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:04,000 Speaker 3: to be you know, children of God and we're all 471 00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:07,360 Speaker 3: flawed and allow them to work through whatever, because maybe, 472 00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:09,960 Speaker 3: like me and maybe like you, they've had people lie 473 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:11,840 Speaker 3: to them and now they don't show up when they 474 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:14,800 Speaker 3: say they will because they don't know if I'll be there, right, 475 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:17,560 Speaker 3: So it's hard to process really what it is. 476 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:21,480 Speaker 1: But let me ask you this, because the bigger question 477 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:25,920 Speaker 1: for me is why is it a similar life? Why 478 00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:29,640 Speaker 1: are you attracting people or in relationship with people? And 479 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:33,480 Speaker 1: it's a really simple question. Where, And you may not know, 480 00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:36,080 Speaker 1: you may not know in this moment, you may just 481 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:39,560 Speaker 1: want to reflect on it. Where in your life do 482 00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:41,160 Speaker 1: you lie to yourself? 483 00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:45,880 Speaker 3: Well, I think it's similar to season which I feel 484 00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:48,800 Speaker 3: like my family lied to me about different things. I 485 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:51,720 Speaker 3: have a similar When I was eleven, you know, I 486 00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:55,200 Speaker 3: was I'm biracial and most of my family is white 487 00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:57,760 Speaker 3: that I you know, see a lot, and my grandmother 488 00:32:57,840 --> 00:32:59,080 Speaker 3: told me and I was raised by a white man 489 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:01,200 Speaker 3: and my mom's half life and my grandma told me, 490 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:03,560 Speaker 3: that's not your father out of anger one day, right, 491 00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:06,440 Speaker 3: And so at eleven I found out he wasn't my father, 492 00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:08,800 Speaker 3: and you know, all this stuff and just different ways 493 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,240 Speaker 3: that they've lied, right, that they'll show up and they don't. 494 00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:13,920 Speaker 3: And so I think it stems from that and allowing 495 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:17,040 Speaker 3: my family to lie to me continuously, I also allow 496 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:19,280 Speaker 3: other people to lie to me because if family is 497 00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:22,520 Speaker 3: the most intimate relationship that I have, right, they're my blood. 498 00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:24,560 Speaker 3: They've raised me all of that, and they're able to 499 00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:27,200 Speaker 3: lie and I'm able to love them, Then how can 500 00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,040 Speaker 3: I not love other people when they lie to me? 501 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:33,480 Speaker 1: I think a higher concept, a higher concept. And this 502 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:39,960 Speaker 1: was what happened for me as opposed to lying, dishonesty, 503 00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:45,040 Speaker 1: dishonesty because that was the root in my life. People 504 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:48,880 Speaker 1: were dishonest with me. They didn't tell me the truth 505 00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:53,320 Speaker 1: number one, and then they built this whole story that 506 00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:57,800 Speaker 1: was not true, that was dishonest. They built an environment 507 00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:01,320 Speaker 1: that was dishonest. So I had to look at Okay, 508 00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:05,280 Speaker 1: so where missy Amla, are you being dishonest? How are 509 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:08,360 Speaker 1: you dishonest? I'll tell you one classic case. Here's the 510 00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:11,080 Speaker 1: place most people lie. I'll call you. 511 00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:13,439 Speaker 3: Back in a little while. I'll be there. 512 00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:20,560 Speaker 1: Two hours, right right, right right. So it's this, there's 513 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:24,239 Speaker 1: a distinction between telling a lie and dishonesty. And it 514 00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:27,680 Speaker 1: sounds to me like you're dealing with a root cause 515 00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:32,719 Speaker 1: of dishonesty that pulls people in and and you don't 516 00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:38,160 Speaker 1: have to make it about them, make it about well, 517 00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:41,520 Speaker 1: I don't choose to be in relationship with dishonest people. 518 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:44,160 Speaker 1: And like they said, it's not for you to process. 519 00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:48,240 Speaker 1: Then Okay, it's not if someone gives you their word 520 00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:53,120 Speaker 1: and they don't renegotiate the commitment, the agreement and they 521 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:55,399 Speaker 1: don't show up or they don't do what they say 522 00:34:55,400 --> 00:35:00,279 Speaker 1: they're gonna do. Check. Okay, got that. And when they 523 00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:04,440 Speaker 1: ask you something, so you know, my experience is that 524 00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:07,440 Speaker 1: you're not honest about or you don't keep your agreements, 525 00:35:07,719 --> 00:35:10,120 Speaker 1: you don't keep your commitments, and that means you don't 526 00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:12,680 Speaker 1: honor me. And so I'm not going to be in 527 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:17,000 Speaker 1: relationship like that. As opposed to making it about them, 528 00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:20,840 Speaker 1: you lied make it about you. I want to be 529 00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:24,320 Speaker 1: in relationship with people who honor their word, who honored 530 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:28,359 Speaker 1: their commitments, who honor my trust, who honor my time. 531 00:35:29,320 --> 00:35:31,520 Speaker 1: And if you say you're going to do something and 532 00:35:31,719 --> 00:35:34,799 Speaker 1: don't do it, that doesn't honor me. If you say 533 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:36,600 Speaker 1: you're going to be somewhere and you don't show up, 534 00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:39,320 Speaker 1: that doesn't honor me. And I just don't choose to 535 00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:42,480 Speaker 1: be in relationship with people. And family will do it 536 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:48,160 Speaker 1: all the time, but there are no sacred cows. When 537 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:52,480 Speaker 1: you establish the boundary that you want to be in 538 00:35:52,719 --> 00:35:56,320 Speaker 1: relationship with people that honor you, because you know what 539 00:35:56,440 --> 00:36:04,760 Speaker 1: the root of disarnesty is honor, honor yourself and really 540 00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:09,520 Speaker 1: make it a preference of requirement. Make it about honor 541 00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:12,480 Speaker 1: and honesty as opposed to just out and out lying. 542 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:18,160 Speaker 1: Because lying ninety nine percent of the time, people lie 543 00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:22,000 Speaker 1: for two reasons. One because they were afraid. Two because 544 00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:24,759 Speaker 1: they don't want to hurt you. That's why people lie. 545 00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:31,520 Speaker 1: And then there's negligence, cleerlessness, irresponsibility that we won't get there. 546 00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:36,680 Speaker 1: Number one, they are afraid. Number two, they think if 547 00:36:36,719 --> 00:36:40,160 Speaker 1: they tell you the truth, it'll hurt you. You know. 548 00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:42,960 Speaker 1: One of the things that I tell people, love me 549 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:46,120 Speaker 1: enough to tell me the truth and know that I 550 00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:49,200 Speaker 1: can handle them. Love me enough to tell me the truth, 551 00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:51,680 Speaker 1: don't lie to me, don't dishonor me. 552 00:36:51,840 --> 00:36:54,399 Speaker 3: And I feel like it's hard sometimes because I think 553 00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:56,919 Speaker 3: similar to you, and I want to say that to people, 554 00:36:57,000 --> 00:36:59,359 Speaker 3: and you know, maybe I have sometimes, but some people 555 00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:01,799 Speaker 3: are like, whoa, WHOA, what are you talking about? Love 556 00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:04,879 Speaker 3: you enough to tell you the truth, but listen, we're 557 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:07,000 Speaker 3: just friends. You know, I'm not. We're not gonna have 558 00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,719 Speaker 3: to stage your love. You know, we're not even at 559 00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:11,720 Speaker 3: the and and sometimes so then I'm trying to respect 560 00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:15,719 Speaker 3: me enough to tell me the truth, right, respect me 561 00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:19,759 Speaker 3: enough to tell me the truth I can tell me. 562 00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:21,560 Speaker 3: I feel like people don't carry that with them. It's 563 00:37:21,600 --> 00:37:24,000 Speaker 3: a conversation in the moment. They're like, okay, yeah, I'll 564 00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:26,560 Speaker 3: do that, and then they forget about it, or maybe 565 00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:29,279 Speaker 3: they don't care. It's I don't know where to go, 566 00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:31,800 Speaker 3: you know, because people are going to disappoint me, you know, 567 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:34,520 Speaker 3: if people are going to be dishonest, and I guess 568 00:37:34,560 --> 00:37:37,560 Speaker 3: it's kind of if they continue to well wait. 569 00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:41,120 Speaker 1: A minute, wait a minute, I like, I don't don't 570 00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:46,360 Speaker 1: own that. I deserve to be respected. I deserve that 571 00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:49,919 Speaker 1: and and that is my desire. But if you think 572 00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:52,399 Speaker 1: people will disrespect you, if you think people will lie 573 00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:55,919 Speaker 1: to you, they will. They will. Now, I'm a coach, 574 00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:59,360 Speaker 1: so one of the things that I learned and my 575 00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:02,480 Speaker 1: coaches training is let's say I have an appointment with 576 00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:08,200 Speaker 1: a client at eight o'clock. I give everybody ten minutes grace. 577 00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:11,960 Speaker 1: If you're not there at eight ten, I'm going to 578 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:15,240 Speaker 1: call you and I'm going to say, hello, are you okay? 579 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:19,600 Speaker 1: Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. You know, we had 580 00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:23,279 Speaker 1: an appointment at eight o'clock and it's now eight ten. 581 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:26,880 Speaker 1: And you have an honored our agreement. I just wanted 582 00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:29,719 Speaker 1: to find out if you're okay, And now that I 583 00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:35,360 Speaker 1: know you are, I'm good. And I'd hang up because 584 00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:37,240 Speaker 1: I wouldn't sit nowhere waiting for nobody. 585 00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:39,080 Speaker 3: No two hours, and that's what I tend to do. 586 00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:44,720 Speaker 1: Give them no, no five to ten minute grace period, 587 00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:47,200 Speaker 1: and if they're not there, you want to check and 588 00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:50,359 Speaker 1: make sure they're okay. If they don't answer the phone, 589 00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:52,560 Speaker 1: you say, listen, we had an appointment at eight o'clock, 590 00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:55,359 Speaker 1: four o'clock whatever. You're not here, it's eight ten. 591 00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:59,960 Speaker 3: I'm leaving, said, because if not, then I'm not respecting myself. 592 00:39:00,840 --> 00:39:05,879 Speaker 1: There you go, you're not honoring yourself. You get one 593 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:08,480 Speaker 1: time to stand me up. That's the deal breaker, and 594 00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:11,320 Speaker 1: you give them a great spirit five minutes, ten minutes, 595 00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:16,719 Speaker 1: fifteen minutes. After that, you don't wait, you leave, or 596 00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:19,240 Speaker 1: if someone says they're going to show up and they don't, 597 00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,600 Speaker 1: don't ask them again. Don't expect them to do it 598 00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:28,200 Speaker 1: with that's on you. So the shift has to take 599 00:39:28,239 --> 00:39:36,600 Speaker 1: place in you. Yeah, you're right, because sometimes they may 600 00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:39,080 Speaker 1: have all the good intentions, but you know the road 601 00:39:39,160 --> 00:39:43,800 Speaker 1: to hell is paved with good intentions. But I want you, 602 00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:49,400 Speaker 1: I invite you. I invite you to get clear about 603 00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:54,680 Speaker 1: how you do that to yourself. How do you do 604 00:39:54,840 --> 00:40:01,080 Speaker 1: that to yourself? How do you dishonor yourself out Look 605 00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:02,440 Speaker 1: for all of the ways. 606 00:40:02,360 --> 00:40:04,279 Speaker 3: I'm going to go. I don't go to the gym. 607 00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:06,239 Speaker 3: I say, I'm going to go to bed at nine 608 00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:08,719 Speaker 3: every day. I don't go to bed at nine. I said, 609 00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:11,040 Speaker 3: I'm going to stop eating the whole pint of ice cream. 610 00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:14,279 Speaker 3: The whole pint of ice cream. Yeah, you're right, you're right, 611 00:40:16,600 --> 00:40:17,000 Speaker 3: you're right. 612 00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:24,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, So okay, so you you clean that up, all right. 613 00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:28,759 Speaker 1: And here's here's a little tip. Don't tell anybody I 614 00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:33,560 Speaker 1: told you this. Okay, When when you make an agreement 615 00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,160 Speaker 1: with yourself, I'm going to go to bed at nine, 616 00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:39,520 Speaker 1: and you see it's eight fifty five and you are 617 00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:43,600 Speaker 1: not ready to go to bed, renegotiate that agreement. Don't 618 00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:48,120 Speaker 1: leave that agreement standing. Most people miss if you make 619 00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:53,880 Speaker 1: an agreement and you can't honor the agreement renegotiated before 620 00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:58,080 Speaker 1: the time is so, I'm not going to eat this 621 00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:01,040 Speaker 1: whole pint of ice cream. When you get halfway through, 622 00:41:01,160 --> 00:41:04,840 Speaker 1: you say, okay, I made an agreement with myself that 623 00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:06,720 Speaker 1: I'm not going to eat this whole pint of ice cream. 624 00:41:06,719 --> 00:41:09,560 Speaker 1: I'm halfway through and I'm still eating, so let me 625 00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:12,600 Speaker 1: renegotiate it. I'm going to eat it. 626 00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:15,879 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's good. 627 00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:19,239 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna gobble it down. I'm not going to 628 00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,960 Speaker 1: gobble it down. But I'm going to give myself permission 629 00:41:22,000 --> 00:41:24,040 Speaker 1: to eat this whole pine of ice cream. This time. 630 00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:26,840 Speaker 1: I'll just slow down how fast I eat it. You know, 631 00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:32,040 Speaker 1: whatever it is, renegotiate that agreement. Renegotiate. And the other 632 00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:35,680 Speaker 1: thing that you can do to stop breaking agreements with 633 00:41:35,800 --> 00:41:39,800 Speaker 1: yourself is there's a consequence. So if you eat the 634 00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:42,880 Speaker 1: whole pine of ice cream for the next day, you 635 00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:47,080 Speaker 1: can't watch television, or you can't have you can't. There 636 00:41:47,239 --> 00:41:50,480 Speaker 1: has to be a consequence. The reason people keep breaking 637 00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:53,719 Speaker 1: their agreements with you and dishonoring you is because there's 638 00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:58,480 Speaker 1: no consequence when there's a deal breaker. When you have 639 00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:02,160 Speaker 1: a deal breaker, then must be a consequence when the 640 00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:05,600 Speaker 1: deal is broken, Otherwise they'll just do it again and 641 00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:06,319 Speaker 1: again and again. 642 00:42:07,719 --> 00:42:07,919 Speaker 4: Yeah. 643 00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:12,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, but I promise you, when you start cleaning up 644 00:42:12,680 --> 00:42:17,040 Speaker 1: your agreements with yourself, you're gonna find that people shift 645 00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:19,320 Speaker 1: or change except family. Family. 646 00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:26,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, thank you so much. This is very helpful. 647 00:42:27,080 --> 00:42:29,200 Speaker 1: Thank you. Clean that stuff up, get to the gym, 648 00:42:29,239 --> 00:42:35,120 Speaker 1: and leave that ice cream along by Yes, deal breakers, 649 00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:40,280 Speaker 1: here's the important thing to remember, and I said it earlier. 650 00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:44,920 Speaker 1: Once you draw your line in the sand and someone 651 00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:49,360 Speaker 1: crosses the line, don't back up and draw another line. 652 00:42:50,719 --> 00:42:54,279 Speaker 1: Once they cross the line, you must have a consequence. 653 00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:59,719 Speaker 1: So your partner cheats, what's the consequence? Your partner, your 654 00:43:00,440 --> 00:43:03,879 Speaker 1: your mother, They lie to you, what is the consequence? 655 00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:07,759 Speaker 1: People call you out your name? What is the consequence. 656 00:43:08,600 --> 00:43:14,319 Speaker 1: There is sexual incompatibility, what is the consequence? You find 657 00:43:14,360 --> 00:43:17,480 Speaker 1: out someone near and dear to you is engaged in 658 00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:22,880 Speaker 1: illegal activity. What is the consequence. Otherwise it's just today 659 00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:28,720 Speaker 1: going up. It'll dissipate sooner or later. What's your deal breaker? 660 00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:35,160 Speaker 1: Every relationship needs that. Every relationship, your mother, your children, 661 00:43:36,520 --> 00:43:41,440 Speaker 1: your best friend, Every relationship needs that. People in the 662 00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:48,000 Speaker 1: relationship need to know this is unacceptable. Now here's the secret. 663 00:43:49,600 --> 00:43:53,520 Speaker 1: If it is an important relationship to you, whether it's 664 00:43:53,560 --> 00:43:57,360 Speaker 1: your partner or your friend, you know, your kid, your sibling, 665 00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:03,640 Speaker 1: and they do break deal, make sure that you let 666 00:44:03,719 --> 00:44:06,960 Speaker 1: them know that. Make sure that you let them know that. 667 00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:10,680 Speaker 1: Don't assume that they knew calling you out your name, 668 00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:14,760 Speaker 1: or or not showing up or or you know, putting 669 00:44:14,760 --> 00:44:17,759 Speaker 1: their feet up on the kitchen table. Make sure they 670 00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:20,719 Speaker 1: knew that was a deal breaker, because sometimes we have 671 00:44:20,840 --> 00:44:23,840 Speaker 1: deal breakers in ourselves that we don't communicate to the 672 00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:26,879 Speaker 1: other person. Then they break the deal and our hair 673 00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:31,120 Speaker 1: is on fire. Communicate. If you're out there and you're 674 00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:34,800 Speaker 1: in a relationship now, or you're planning to get married 675 00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:38,839 Speaker 1: or commit what is the deal breaker? Have the conversation, 676 00:44:39,440 --> 00:44:43,239 Speaker 1: because if it's an important relationship to you and to 677 00:44:43,360 --> 00:44:46,799 Speaker 1: the other person, they won't break that deal. They don't 678 00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:49,719 Speaker 1: want to risk losing you. So let them know what 679 00:44:49,840 --> 00:44:52,239 Speaker 1: the deal breaker is and let them know what the 680 00:44:52,320 --> 00:44:55,839 Speaker 1: consequence is. If the deal gets broken and they knew 681 00:44:55,920 --> 00:44:58,759 Speaker 1: what it was, then you have to enact the consequence. 682 00:44:59,400 --> 00:45:02,839 Speaker 1: And that the part where it all falls apart. If 683 00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:06,000 Speaker 1: you cheat on me, I'm leaving, they cheat and you 684 00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:10,080 Speaker 1: ask why that is not going to turn out well 685 00:45:10,160 --> 00:45:14,239 Speaker 1: for you. You put your hand on me, that's a 686 00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:18,600 Speaker 1: deal break. You call me too many d's or c's 687 00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:21,920 Speaker 1: or q's or whatever, that's a deal breaker. And if 688 00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:24,880 Speaker 1: you break the deal. This will be the consequence. We 689 00:45:25,000 --> 00:45:27,279 Speaker 1: gotta get there, and you don't have to make it 690 00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:30,160 Speaker 1: a demand. You don't have to scream and holler about it, 691 00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:33,960 Speaker 1: but you have to let the other person know. Remember, 692 00:45:34,080 --> 00:45:37,680 Speaker 1: a deal breaker is a boundary, and boundaries are erected 693 00:45:37,719 --> 00:45:42,600 Speaker 1: and established to keep you safe, and we deserve to 694 00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:47,080 Speaker 1: be safe in all of our relationships. Here's another thing. 695 00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:51,560 Speaker 1: If someone breaks the deal and you have to shift 696 00:45:51,719 --> 00:45:57,560 Speaker 1: the relationship, meaning move away, move out, not speak for 697 00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:01,080 Speaker 1: a while. You don't have to stop loving the person. 698 00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:04,600 Speaker 1: You don't have to stop loving them, but you get 699 00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:08,839 Speaker 1: to choose how you're going to participate in the way 700 00:46:08,920 --> 00:46:12,759 Speaker 1: that they love. Keep that in mind and keep your 701 00:46:12,800 --> 00:46:16,120 Speaker 1: relationships healthy. And if you haven't had that discussion with 702 00:46:16,239 --> 00:46:20,279 Speaker 1: your partner, with your sister, with your adult children, with 703 00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:24,960 Speaker 1: your best friend, with whoever, have the conversation. I need 704 00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:28,719 Speaker 1: you to know. This is an important relationship to me, 705 00:46:29,560 --> 00:46:32,799 Speaker 1: and I'd love for us to continue to grow this relationship. 706 00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:35,880 Speaker 1: But I need to let you know what my dealreate is, 707 00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:40,319 Speaker 1: and then you let them know. And when this deal 708 00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:43,520 Speaker 1: is broken, it says to me either that you don't 709 00:46:43,560 --> 00:46:47,560 Speaker 1: care or this relationship is an important to you, and 710 00:46:47,680 --> 00:46:49,440 Speaker 1: I need to know, if I need you to know. 711 00:46:49,880 --> 00:46:54,560 Speaker 1: If you break this deal, I'm out. I'm out. I 712 00:46:54,680 --> 00:46:57,080 Speaker 1: hope you heard something that you can use today to 713 00:46:57,200 --> 00:47:00,320 Speaker 1: make all of your relationships better, to make them help healthy, 714 00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:04,640 Speaker 1: to help them grow, and to help you grow. I'll 715 00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:07,440 Speaker 1: see you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace 716 00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:18,080 Speaker 1: and not in pieces. Bye. The R Spot is a 717 00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:23,640 Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more 718 00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:29,160 Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 719 00:47:29,440 --> 00:47:31,959 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite show.