Speaker 1: I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for sam in a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: I have a confession I want to make today. My daughter,
Speaker 1: my adult daughter, has decided she doesn't want to speak
Speaker 1: to me. For many many months, she ghosted me, wouldn't
Speaker 1: respond to my telephone calls, wouldn't answer my text and
Speaker 1: when we did connect, she acted like nothing. We're going on,
Speaker 1: as if I were crazy. Now there are days when
Speaker 1: my sanity can be questioned, but that's not the issue.
Speaker 1: The issue here is how does a child, an adult child,
Speaker 1: resolve issues, upset breakdowns with their mother as an adult
Speaker 1: And why is it that we think it's okay to
Speaker 1: just cut our mother's off. Now I'm not talking about
Speaker 1: a physically abusive or verbally abusive mother. I'm talking about
Speaker 1: a mother that you have differences with because you're a
Speaker 1: woman and she's a woman. What makes us think that
Speaker 1: it's okay to just cut our mother's off. And if
Speaker 1: you are a mother, how do you think it would
Speaker 1: feel for your child to cut you off? It's hard,
Speaker 1: it's a hard life when you're in breakdown with your mother.
Speaker 1: But we need to talk about it. When it comes
Speaker 1: to your mother, my question is how do you know
Speaker 1: this is about her and not about you? How do
Speaker 1: you know this is not about how you see things,
Speaker 1: feel things, and just about who she is as a person.
Speaker 1: And the other difficulty in dealing with mothers is learning
Speaker 1: how to be an adult in the face of your mommy.
Speaker 1: Now listen. As a mother, I know that mothers can
Speaker 1: be difficult, but I also know that there is no
Speaker 1: greater love, no greater connection than the one between a
Speaker 1: mother and a child. So when there's a breakdown between
Speaker 1: a mother and an adult child, I am sorry to
Speaker 1: say that everybody has to take a responsibility for their
Speaker 1: part in the breakdown, even me. And that's why we're
Speaker 1: gonna talk about it today. Greetings, beloved, Welcome to They
Speaker 1: are spots where we discuss all things relationships. So what
Speaker 1: is the problem, issue, challenge question you would like us
Speaker 1: to nibble on today? Um, how do you move on
Speaker 1: if you don't have a good relationship with your mother?
Speaker 1: How do you move on? Or how do I move on?
Speaker 1: You know? How do I move on? Good? Because so
Speaker 1: very often in relationships, when we have a breakdown, a challenge,
Speaker 1: an issue, a problem, we externalize it. How do you
Speaker 1: do so and so when your mother? Know? How do
Speaker 1: I do so and so when my mother? Yeah, you
Speaker 1: want to own all of it so that you can
Speaker 1: get to it. How do I move on when I
Speaker 1: don't have a good relationship with my mother? So I
Speaker 1: need to clarify two things. What does move on mean?
Speaker 1: And what does good relationship means? Move on means? Um?
Speaker 1: I don't want to be bothered with her anymore. She's
Speaker 1: not a good person. That's that's a hard thing for
Speaker 1: me to say. I'm a mother, Okay, so that's very
Speaker 1: hard for me to say. And the other thing is is, um,
Speaker 1: do it in a peaceful way where you know, I
Speaker 1: forgive her because my kids are watching me. I don't
Speaker 1: want to be bothered with her anymore because she's not
Speaker 1: a good person. I just want to scratch there for
Speaker 1: a moment. Okay, are you willing? Yeah? Of course, I
Speaker 1: don't want to be bothered with her. What does that mean?
Speaker 1: I don't want her in my life on any level. Well,
Speaker 1: that's not going to happen, so let's move on to
Speaker 1: the next thing. Let me tell you why. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: Because it's a lifetime relationship. Her blood runs through your veins,
Speaker 1: You know how better than she knows herself, because you
Speaker 1: lived inside of her body, and perhaps you can see
Speaker 1: feel sense some of her contradictions and failures because you
Speaker 1: lived within her things that she's not conscious of herself.
Speaker 1: Now you get to choose how to be in relationship
Speaker 1: with her, even if that's you send a Christmas card,
Speaker 1: a Mother's Day card, a birthday card. But as long
Speaker 1: as you have upset with her, you will be in
Speaker 1: relationship with her. What you want to be is in
Speaker 1: peaceful relationship with her. Would that be accurate? No, I
Speaker 1: don't want to be in any relationship with her, but
Speaker 1: you are. That's not going to change. Her blood runs
Speaker 1: through your veins, so you're just you are rejecting or
Speaker 1: trying to detach from a piece of yourself. Your mother
Speaker 1: is your heart. The first sound you heard as a
Speaker 1: living being was her heartbeat. There's no way you cannot
Speaker 1: be in relationship with her. You get to choose the
Speaker 1: kind of relationship you have with her. Okay, then that's
Speaker 1: I guess. I want to be at peace with the
Speaker 1: kind of relationship I'm choosing with her. Does that make
Speaker 1: that better? Yes, that makes more sense. But as long
Speaker 1: as you feel I don't want her in my life,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be in relationship. You're fighting against yourself, Beloved,
Speaker 1: Your relationship with your mother is a life time relationship.
Speaker 1: You cannot undo her being your mother. You can undo
Speaker 1: a husband, you can undo a boss, and you share blood.
Speaker 1: You can't undo that. You can't undo it. Okay. This
Speaker 1: is so very curious to me because very recently I
Speaker 1: did some deep spiritual work and in that process of
Speaker 1: the work, what I became aware of, or what I
Speaker 1: was guided to recognize, is my daughter has a very
Speaker 1: contentious relationship with me. I could not figure out why
Speaker 1: I've given I've done that, booed the bie. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm mother right, and no matter how much I do,
Speaker 1: it's not enough. No matter what I do, it's not right,
Speaker 1: no matter you know anything that it's just you know,
Speaker 1: she's just an enemy to me, or it feels that way.
Speaker 1: And what I recognized or what I was shown in
Speaker 1: this work that I was doing on myself was that
Speaker 1: she is the part of me that I reject, deny,
Speaker 1: avoid and resist. She is my shadow self. And the
Speaker 1: way that I am with her is the way that
Speaker 1: I am with a piece of myself, the piece I
Speaker 1: don't like, the peace I don't recognize, the piece that
Speaker 1: I don't want to acknowledge admit, And she just shows
Speaker 1: up to support me in learning how to be compassionate
Speaker 1: with all of me. Now, my situation is the reverse
Speaker 1: of yours, because you're the daughter saying you don't want
Speaker 1: to be in relationship with the mother, and I have
Speaker 1: been the mother saying I don't want to be in
Speaker 1: relationship with the daughter because of the way she treats me.
Speaker 1: So here's my question, beloved, what part of your mother
Speaker 1: represents a part of you that maybe you're unaware of
Speaker 1: or unaccepting of, or having become conscious of yet so
Speaker 1: I know exactly which one. In my home, the only
Speaker 1: emotions was how to be mean and evil? Yeah, that
Speaker 1: is something that I worked through every day my husband
Speaker 1: when he first met me. Why do you always have
Speaker 1: a scowl on your face? Why you know? And so
Speaker 1: that part, like I know how to be mean and evil,
Speaker 1: But to be kind takes more effort. Yeah. Yeah, Well,
Speaker 1: to be kind takes an open heart. And when there's
Speaker 1: a breakdown between the mother and the daughter, I don't
Speaker 1: care who the mother is, who the daughter is. When
Speaker 1: there's a breakdown between the mother and the daughter, the
Speaker 1: heart is shut down. So tell me you you say
Speaker 1: you're a mother, you have daughters, And what's your daughter's name?
Speaker 1: My daughter's name is Tyler. Let's make believe. Okay. Tyler
Speaker 1: is talking to this woman on the on the radio
Speaker 1: program and she says to the woman this, I want
Speaker 1: you to close your eyes and hear that I don't
Speaker 1: want to be bothered with my mother because she is
Speaker 1: not a good person. That's what Tyler is saying. How
Speaker 1: does that make you feel? It hurts me to my core? Yeah,
Speaker 1: because in your mind, just like me, you've done everything,
Speaker 1: You've given everything. You didn't treat her like your mother
Speaker 1: treated you. You don't do the things that your mother did.
Speaker 1: What is she talking about? But that's Tyler's experience. So
Speaker 1: what if your experience of your mother is not necessarily true,
Speaker 1: But it's the story that you've made up about the
Speaker 1: way you've interpreted who she is and how she behaves.
Speaker 1: I feel like I've been open when I've been hurt.
Speaker 1: You hurt me when you did this, and she would
Speaker 1: do it again, and see I don't have time for that. Well,
Speaker 1: see you think that she did it again to you
Speaker 1: as opposed to did it again as a reflection of
Speaker 1: her consciousness and maybe her inability to resolve with her
Speaker 1: mother or with the dark part of herself. I'm telling you,
Speaker 1: they told me everything I don't like about my daughter
Speaker 1: is the stuff I don't like and accept about me.
Speaker 1: Maybe everything that you don't like and accept about your
Speaker 1: mother is the stuff that you don't like and accept
Speaker 1: about yourself. Because think of it this way, it's not
Speaker 1: so much beloved what happens as it is the story
Speaker 1: we tell ourselves about what happens. So here's a story.
Speaker 1: My mother put me in the in the um trunk
Speaker 1: of the car, all right, that's what happened. She put
Speaker 1: you in the trunk of the car. Now, maybe she
Speaker 1: snatched you and put you in there. Maybe she tricked
Speaker 1: you to go in there. Maybe she threw you in there.
Speaker 1: She threw you in the trunk of the car. That's
Speaker 1: what happened. The story you tell yourself about it is
Speaker 1: my mother threw me in the trunk of the car
Speaker 1: because she hates me. My mother threw me in the
Speaker 1: trunk of the car because she's crazy. My mother threw
Speaker 1: me in the trunk of the car. And she shouldn't
Speaker 1: have done that, because she should have known I'm scared
Speaker 1: of the dark, and I didn't have anything to eat,
Speaker 1: and I had to pee, and she shouldn't have done it.
Speaker 1: The truth is, she put you in the trunk of
Speaker 1: the car, perhaps with no explanation. What changes the experience
Speaker 1: into something more devastating is what you tell yourself about it,
Speaker 1: and what you tell yourself about her. So I tell
Speaker 1: my mother what she does that hurts me, and she
Speaker 1: does it again because she's not a good person. She
Speaker 1: does it again because she don't care about me. The
Speaker 1: only thing she do is think about herself. She did
Speaker 1: it again because she never hears what I'm saying. She
Speaker 1: don't care what she's doing to people. She's a selfish cow.
Speaker 1: She did it. Can you hear me? Yeah, I can
Speaker 1: hear you. Is it that she does it again or
Speaker 1: is it what you tell yourself about why she does
Speaker 1: it again? Both? I think it really is okay, But
Speaker 1: The one that matters is what you tell yourself. Because
Speaker 1: you want to believe what you think is true. You're
Speaker 1: gonna believe that. Why would your mother consciously do something?
Speaker 1: Because as well, that means you were born from not
Speaker 1: a good person. So there's not good in YouTube. M
Speaker 1: hm m m. Now what those I love? If you
Speaker 1: do it anywhere, you do it everywhere, just when you think,
Speaker 1: just when you think. What I'm aware of now is
Speaker 1: that my daughter isn't responding to me necessarily about who
Speaker 1: I am and what I do. She's responding to me
Speaker 1: to show me the way I treat those dark parts
Speaker 1: of myself. I deny them, I reject them, I avoid them,
Speaker 1: I resist them, I detached from them. So my job
Speaker 1: isn't trying to fix my relationship with my daughter. My
Speaker 1: job is to shine lights on the part of me
Speaker 1: that I don't embrace and accept and acknowledge. That's my work,
Speaker 1: and to be grateful to her for showing me. If
Speaker 1: your mother is not a good person and the first
Speaker 1: thing you heard was her heartbeat, then there's not good
Speaker 1: in you, and you probably have no idea of how
Speaker 1: it shows up. You want to find out. Ask your kids.
Speaker 1: They'll tell you, Oh they tell me, they tell me,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, And what do you say when they tell
Speaker 1: you that? That would lead Tyler to say, I don't
Speaker 1: want to be bothered with my mother because she's not
Speaker 1: a good person. And what do you do with what
Speaker 1: they tell you? Oh? We I've hired a counselor for them,
Speaker 1: and then I've been brought in on the counseling session
Speaker 1: because I'm at the root of everything. I'm open to
Speaker 1: it because I want to be my best me. Well,
Speaker 1: your best me means learning how to embrace your mother
Speaker 1: as she is and creating a relationship with her that
Speaker 1: honors who you are. That's that's how you're gonna be
Speaker 1: the best you. You can't walk away from her. Five
Speaker 1: years you haven't spoken to her, So then why is
Speaker 1: it still a problem? Beloved? Can you imagine not speaking
Speaker 1: to Tyler for five years? You know I can't. I
Speaker 1: mean really, well, then you need too, because that's what
Speaker 1: you're creating. Because the only way to truly heal a
Speaker 1: situation is to experience it from both sides. If you
Speaker 1: don't do the conscious work to heal something, then you
Speaker 1: were going to experience it from the other side, so
Speaker 1: that you have a full view of what's going on.
Speaker 1: And this is one of those family breakdowns. And first
Speaker 1: of all, it's very common. It's very common. That's number one,
Speaker 1: because either the mother can't see herself and the daughter,
Speaker 1: or the daughter won't see herself and the mother. And
Speaker 1: we're so busy trying not to be like our mother
Speaker 1: or what we judge our mother to be, that we
Speaker 1: end up being just like her. Oh my god, I've
Speaker 1: become my mother. After the break will continue to unpack
Speaker 1: the difficult to navigate relationship between mothers and daughters. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to the our spot. Now let's get back into
Speaker 1: the conversation. So let me say this. My mother is
Speaker 1: not a good person and that makes me feel what.
Speaker 1: Take a breath. My mother is not a good person.
Speaker 1: My mother is not a good person, and it makes
Speaker 1: me feel alone. Uh huh, come on, take a breath.
Speaker 1: My mother is not a good person and I feel unwanted. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: now listen to this one. My mother is evil and
Speaker 1: that makes me feel what. My mother is evil and
Speaker 1: that makes me feel ashamed. Ah, take a breath, baby.
Speaker 1: My mother's narcissistic and that makes me feel what I
Speaker 1: never want to be bothered with her again? Is that true?
Speaker 1: That's true? Is there something as true or truer than
Speaker 1: the statement that I never want to be bothered with
Speaker 1: my mother again? Is it something as true or true?
Speaker 1: How about I love my mother and I miss her,
Speaker 1: but I don't know how to be with her and
Speaker 1: if it doesn't fit that's okay? Okay? Is that as
Speaker 1: true or truer? Okay, take a breath. Yeah, how about
Speaker 1: this one as true or true? I love my mother,
Speaker 1: but I'm ashamed of who she is. I'm ashamed of
Speaker 1: how she behaves. Is that as true or true? True?
Speaker 1: How about this one? I want to be in relationship
Speaker 1: with my mother, but only if she changes. That's not
Speaker 1: true because she can't change. Well, you don't know that
Speaker 1: to be true. She can't change, and you know what
Speaker 1: else can change? Your perspective of her, how you see her,
Speaker 1: how you hold her. Because you're speaking the story as
Speaker 1: if your mother's you know, intention in life is to
Speaker 1: hurt you, leave you alone, treat you bad. If your
Speaker 1: mother is narcissistic, then she's got a mental and emotional
Speaker 1: imbalance that she either has no awareness of or no control. Yes,
Speaker 1: I figured I have figure that out. Yes, and I
Speaker 1: don't know how to deal with it well again, Mother's
Speaker 1: Day card, Birthday card, Christmas card, Because your first responsibility
Speaker 1: is to protect yourself. And you didn't say this, but
Speaker 1: I sense it. The way your mother behaves frightens you
Speaker 1: and you don't feel safe in her presence. Is that true? Okay?
Speaker 1: So beloved, Your work isn't about creating a relationship with
Speaker 1: your mother. Your relationship is investigating a loneness, unwantedness, shame,
Speaker 1: and not feeling safe. That's your work. What is it
Speaker 1: that she's done that makes you feel alone? And when
Speaker 1: else do you feel that way? What is it that
Speaker 1: she's done, or how is it that she's been with
Speaker 1: you that makes you feel unwanted? And when else do
Speaker 1: you feel that way? When what has she done or
Speaker 1: how has she been with you that makes you feel ashamed?
Speaker 1: Because if you've got a mother that hurts you consciously
Speaker 1: and treat you poorly, yeah, I'd be ashamed to have
Speaker 1: that as my mother. But when else do you feel
Speaker 1: that way? You clean up those things and she's going
Speaker 1: to start looking different. But even more important, how do
Speaker 1: you do it? That's what I have to look at
Speaker 1: with my daughter. How do I do what she does.
Speaker 1: And it may not be that I do it now
Speaker 1: or that I do it consciously? How have I done
Speaker 1: what my daughter does? And I can see it? When
Speaker 1: I looked at it like that, I was like, Oh Jesus,
Speaker 1: just let me go down and drink brown looking straight
Speaker 1: out the bottle. Let me and I don't even drink,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna drink brown look a straight about the
Speaker 1: bottle because when I looked at it that way, how
Speaker 1: have I done that? And to whom? And can I
Speaker 1: forgive myself for when I've done that? And what that
Speaker 1: did for me was give me more compassion for her.
Speaker 1: And it also set me up so that if I
Speaker 1: had to walk away, I would walk away. But it
Speaker 1: was a choice, not a reaction. You're walking away from
Speaker 1: your mother out of reaction, not out of choice. That
Speaker 1: means she's got the power you don't. I thought I
Speaker 1: was making a choice, but I haven't made a story
Speaker 1: because I hadn't worked on this stuff. If you haven't
Speaker 1: spoken to your mother in five years and you got
Speaker 1: to call me to ask me how to move on,
Speaker 1: you don't moved on, but you don't feel you don't
Speaker 1: feel bad because you haven't cleared your heart that I
Speaker 1: need to do. Really, how old is your daughter? Yeah? Baby,
Speaker 1: she can give you some truth. Oh she does. So
Speaker 1: she gave me some yesterday. And what did you do
Speaker 1: with it? I listened and I changed. She told me
Speaker 1: that you don't go places in places like Sephora. I
Speaker 1: don't like makeup. She wants to be a makeup artist.
Speaker 1: And I always say, well, you go down to Sephora.
Speaker 1: I'm going here, and she said, I want you to
Speaker 1: be with me and present. That's what she told me.
Speaker 1: So what what she's saying to you is I don't
Speaker 1: want to go to Sephora alone. That's exactly what she said.
Speaker 1: She said that too. Yeah, and you'd feel alone without
Speaker 1: your mom. And you're doing to her. You're modeling to
Speaker 1: her the very same thing you complain about with your mother.
Speaker 1: That's hurts. Yes, Oh yeah, you're setting yourself up baby,
Speaker 1: because you you you've really got to unpack that story
Speaker 1: that you're telling yourself about your mom. And that doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that she's the best person or that she did it.
Speaker 1: She did. You know, my mothers feed their kids out
Speaker 1: the trash can, but you know what, they will walk
Speaker 1: three and a half miles in a blizzard to go
Speaker 1: uptown to get the best trash they can find. Don't
Speaker 1: mean they didn't feed their kids trash, but as a mom,
Speaker 1: they went to find the best trash they could. But
Speaker 1: when the kids grow up, you know what they're gonna say,
Speaker 1: my mom getting me out the trash can. They're gonna
Speaker 1: discount the fact that she walked three and a half
Speaker 1: miles in a blizzard up and back three and a
Speaker 1: half miles, that's seven miles to get the best trash
Speaker 1: because they got better trash uptown than they had downtown,
Speaker 1: and all she had to give what's trash. She went
Speaker 1: to get the best trash she could find. But what
Speaker 1: the kids are gonna remember is my mama fed me
Speaker 1: out the trash can. That's what Tyler is gonna remember.
Speaker 1: She's gonna remember that the thing that's burning in her
Speaker 1: soul and her spirit, she wants to be a makeup artist.
Speaker 1: You don't have any interest in so you sent her
Speaker 1: to Sephora alone. That your voice and your wisdom and
Speaker 1: your insight, you better start liking makeup. And if you
Speaker 1: don't like it, fake it till you make it. Because
Speaker 1: it's important to her. It's important to her and probably
Speaker 1: your mother never had a conversation with a fool like
Speaker 1: me who would say, you don't have to like it.
Speaker 1: If it's important to her, make yourself like it. You're right,
Speaker 1: It's going to change my life. Thank you. It's not
Speaker 1: so much about forgiving your mother as it is about
Speaker 1: forgiving yourself, for judging your mother for the way she's
Speaker 1: been with you and how it's made you feel. She's
Speaker 1: been out your life five years and you can still
Speaker 1: pull up. I feel alone. Mm hmm. If you got
Speaker 1: a husband and two kids and you feel unwanted because
Speaker 1: your heart is not clean. So here's your here's your assignment.
Speaker 1: Clean up your heart, and your mother will shift, and
Speaker 1: then you choose how to be in relationship with her.
Speaker 1: Choose how to be in relationship. Don't react to her behavior,
Speaker 1: you know. Let this be your healing intention that I
Speaker 1: want to heal so that Tyler never has to feel
Speaker 1: about me the way I feel about my mother. Courageous, courageous, courageous,
Speaker 1: courageous woman. You are for calling because this is deep
Speaker 1: level healing that you are doing here, and it's so common.
Speaker 1: So I want to thank you for all of the
Speaker 1: mothers out there whose daughters don't speak to them, and
Speaker 1: all of the daughters out there who don't speak to
Speaker 1: their mother, and all the mothers and daughters who are struggling,
Speaker 1: you know, through these kinds of issues because you know,
Speaker 1: we we don't know how to heal it. And so
Speaker 1: thank you for your courage. I'm gonna send you to
Speaker 1: prayer and I'm gonna wish you the best. Stay in touch,
Speaker 1: send me an email every now and then and let
Speaker 1: me know how you're doing. Okay, okay, thank you so much,
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, my love, and thank you for
Speaker 1: calling me our spot. So before you cut your mother off,
Speaker 1: you owe it to yourself to do everything in your
Speaker 1: power to at least come to a place of peace,
Speaker 1: to at least be at peace in your mind and
Speaker 1: in your heart with who your mother is, just as
Speaker 1: she is. Now here's the good news. You don't need
Speaker 1: the other person, your mother to heal, in order for
Speaker 1: you to heal the breakdown. Now Here is a not
Speaker 1: so good news. You don't need the other person to
Speaker 1: heal in order for you to heal your experience of
Speaker 1: the breakdown. Why is that because more often than not,
Speaker 1: when it's a family breakdown, a lifetime relationship we think
Speaker 1: the other person also has to heal. That is not true.
Speaker 1: You can do the healing work. You can have a
Speaker 1: relationship because you get to choose a breakdown. In a
Speaker 1: family relationship when they're shared blood, the only escape route
Speaker 1: is forgiveness, and that's usually the last thing we want
Speaker 1: to do. We'll dive into how to do that after
Speaker 1: the break. Welcome back. How do you clean up issues
Speaker 1: with your mother? I mean your mother who fed you,
Speaker 1: closed you, took care of you to the best of
Speaker 1: her ability, and now as an adult, you don't like her.
Speaker 1: You don't like how she does, what she does, how
Speaker 1: she does it with you or to you. My experiences,
Speaker 1: most people have no clue how to address their mother
Speaker 1: as in her adult because they were hurt by her
Speaker 1: when she was just mommy. So what they do is
Speaker 1: they cut her off. Just cut her off. And of course,
Speaker 1: because she's the older adult, it's always her fault. Well,
Speaker 1: moms do the best they can. Mom's a human. Take
Speaker 1: a listen, Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the our spot
Speaker 1: when we talk about all things relationships, all kinds of relationships.
Speaker 1: So what is your relationship issue challenge dilemma today? I
Speaker 1: have been having an issue with my immediate family and
Speaker 1: my mom, my sister, my brother, and it's been going
Speaker 1: on two years, back and forward, and I'm just at
Speaker 1: a point of I don't know what else to do.
Speaker 1: I was kind of pulled away, and you know, I
Speaker 1: love my family, and I don't know what it is. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: how do you experience it? I just like the black sheet.
Speaker 1: It's like it starts with my mom. You know, she
Speaker 1: would gossip about me, or if she's upset with my sister,
Speaker 1: she would say things to my brother about my sister.
Speaker 1: My sister and I have the same father and my
Speaker 1: brother doesn't. But a lot of things started. So then
Speaker 1: my mom was dating my brother's dad, and I've witnessed
Speaker 1: him hitting my mom and slapping her food off the table,
Speaker 1: and you know, as going up, I've seen that. So
Speaker 1: I I just didn't like him, and I left and
Speaker 1: went to a friend, and my mom came to get
Speaker 1: me with the police. And once I got home, Uh,
Speaker 1: I was pushed in my room by my sister and
Speaker 1: my mom was proceeded to hit me in my face
Speaker 1: and woke up the next morning with the clothes eye
Speaker 1: and had to go to school like that, and that
Speaker 1: those punches to my face stuck with me up until now,
Speaker 1: and it still hurts me. And over the years I've
Speaker 1: tried to, you know, get past it, and it's like
Speaker 1: that has shaped, you know, this whole thing with my mom. Okay,
Speaker 1: So you've got a couple of things going on here,
Speaker 1: so I want to I want to just move in
Speaker 1: on something that I think may maybe the main issue.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna offer you this. Because I hear you
Speaker 1: saying you feel like the black sheep, I hear something
Speaker 1: a little different. I hear a hurt and a betrayal
Speaker 1: because your mother. Your mother chose a man over you.
Speaker 1: Does that fit for you? Okay? So there, it is
Speaker 1: not that you're the black sheep, but I hurt and
Speaker 1: a betrayal because your mother chose a man over you.
Speaker 1: You left home because you didn't want to witness participate.
Speaker 1: C no that she was allowing a man to treat
Speaker 1: her poorly. And not only did she come and drag
Speaker 1: you back, she hum humiliated you by slapping you in
Speaker 1: your face. I think of all the things parents can
Speaker 1: do to children, that's the one thing that they need
Speaker 1: to outlaw. Slapping a person in their face is a
Speaker 1: form of humiliation. She humiliated you and took him back,
Speaker 1: and he just happens to be your brother's father, so
Speaker 1: you experience it as her favoring your brother over you
Speaker 1: and your sister. Would that be accurate? Yeah? So see
Speaker 1: that's a lot different than I'm the black sheep of
Speaker 1: the family, isn't it? And I can imagine how hard
Speaker 1: it is for that little girl in there and for you,
Speaker 1: as a grown woman to sit with. My mom chose
Speaker 1: a man over me. And not only does she choose
Speaker 1: a man over me, she chose a married man who
Speaker 1: abuses her over me. Well, what the heck is wrong
Speaker 1: with me that she would make that choice? Is that
Speaker 1: how it lands in your belly? Okay? Humiliated you? Now
Speaker 1: you're humiliating yourself by saying I'm the black sheet. Ain't
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with black sheet. They give wool just like
Speaker 1: white sheet. So even being the black sheet paid a
Speaker 1: bad thing. So I need to hear you say it
Speaker 1: so that I can hear how much of it you're
Speaker 1: owning that humiliated me? When oh man over me? Where
Speaker 1: do you feel that in your body? Yes? Yeah, I
Speaker 1: just want you to be present with that for a
Speaker 1: little while and let that little girl cry about it
Speaker 1: if she needs to, because I think you shut her
Speaker 1: down and rehumiliate her by not telling the truth about it. So,
Speaker 1: my beloved, for you, there's only one escape hatch, only one,
Speaker 1: and its forgiveness. It's not you, the forty six year
Speaker 1: old woman, doing the forgiveness. It's finding the voice and
Speaker 1: the feeling and the energy of that little girl that
Speaker 1: got slapped in the face. What does she need to forget?
Speaker 1: It's her thoughts, it's her feelings, it's her experience. You're
Speaker 1: not healing what's going on today, this thing about you
Speaker 1: and your mom and your sister and your brother. That's
Speaker 1: not what you're healing. You're healing her brokenness all the
Speaker 1: way back. Then does that make sense to you? And
Speaker 1: you know, these family breakdowns when you're an adult almost
Speaker 1: always have their root in their core as something that
Speaker 1: happened when you were a child. So here we're talking
Speaker 1: about humiliation, we're talking about betrayal. We're talking about not protecting,
Speaker 1: not nurturing that little girl who is probably afraid when
Speaker 1: this man was not being nice to her mommy, So
Speaker 1: exposing you to danger, exposing you too emotional unsafety. She
Speaker 1: needs to forgive her mom for all of those things,
Speaker 1: not you her. You're just bringing forth her energy and
Speaker 1: it's showing up the way it is today. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense to you? So? Can I gift you a
Speaker 1: copy of my book on forgiveness so that you can
Speaker 1: do that work and it's a forty day process. I
Speaker 1: want you to do that work, and then I want
Speaker 1: you to call me and tell me what you now realize,
Speaker 1: and also tell me if anything has changed with you
Speaker 1: and your mom will thank you. Okay, my love, you'd
Speaker 1: be well. I want to hear from you. You know,
Speaker 1: loveships or loving relationships, intimate relationships among partners are not
Speaker 1: the only relationships that break down. Family relationships also break down,
Speaker 1: whether it's the breakdown between the parent and the ChIL
Speaker 1: dren or between the siblings or in a blended family.
Speaker 1: But family relationships are very often difficult to heal because
Speaker 1: when they break down, our first instinct is to run.
Speaker 1: We want to run, We want to get away from
Speaker 1: it as far as possible, because we don't realize that
Speaker 1: family relationships are lifetime relationships. Whenever there's a shared blood,
Speaker 1: whenever the blood that runs through your veins is running
Speaker 1: through somebody else's veins. That is a lifetime relationship, So
Speaker 1: whether you're with the person, see the person, or engage
Speaker 1: with the person, you still have to heal the breakdown.
Speaker 1: I'm Yama and I thank you for tuning in. If
Speaker 1: you have questions or insights about this or any other
Speaker 1: relationship topic and you would like us to explore it
Speaker 1: here on the our spot, you can call me live
Speaker 1: at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven sixce eight.
Speaker 1: Now be sure to follow me on social media for
Speaker 1: all of the calling times. In the meantime, stay in
Speaker 1: peace and not piece. It's the R Spot is a
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.