WEBVTT - You Cannot Undo Your Mother 0:00:02.560 --> 0:00:06.080 I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher 0:00:06.120 --> 0:00:09.240 for sam in a soft place to fall for others. 0:00:09.640 --> 0:00:14.280 And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:17.919 I love myself enough to be able to share my 0:00:18.000 --> 0:00:21.320 love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a 0:00:21.440 --> 0:00:28.280 production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. 0:00:37.760 --> 0:00:41.000 I have a confession I want to make today. My daughter, 0:00:41.080 --> 0:00:44.600 my adult daughter, has decided she doesn't want to speak 0:00:44.600 --> 0:00:48.159 to me. For many many months, she ghosted me, wouldn't 0:00:48.200 --> 0:00:51.400 respond to my telephone calls, wouldn't answer my text and 0:00:51.440 --> 0:00:55.520 when we did connect, she acted like nothing. We're going on, 0:00:55.760 --> 0:00:59.000 as if I were crazy. Now there are days when 0:00:59.080 --> 0:01:03.040 my sanity can be questioned, but that's not the issue. 0:01:03.080 --> 0:01:06.880 The issue here is how does a child, an adult child, 0:01:07.240 --> 0:01:12.280 resolve issues, upset breakdowns with their mother as an adult 0:01:12.720 --> 0:01:15.560 And why is it that we think it's okay to 0:01:15.720 --> 0:01:19.199 just cut our mother's off. Now I'm not talking about 0:01:19.240 --> 0:01:24.040 a physically abusive or verbally abusive mother. I'm talking about 0:01:24.560 --> 0:01:28.319 a mother that you have differences with because you're a 0:01:28.360 --> 0:01:32.880 woman and she's a woman. What makes us think that 0:01:32.959 --> 0:01:36.600 it's okay to just cut our mother's off. And if 0:01:36.760 --> 0:01:40.240 you are a mother, how do you think it would 0:01:40.280 --> 0:01:44.440 feel for your child to cut you off? It's hard, 0:01:45.280 --> 0:01:48.880 it's a hard life when you're in breakdown with your mother. 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:52.320 But we need to talk about it. When it comes 0:01:52.360 --> 0:01:56.400 to your mother, my question is how do you know 0:01:56.560 --> 0:02:00.400 this is about her and not about you? How do 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:03.960 you know this is not about how you see things, 0:02:04.240 --> 0:02:08.920 feel things, and just about who she is as a person. 0:02:10.000 --> 0:02:14.200 And the other difficulty in dealing with mothers is learning 0:02:14.240 --> 0:02:17.920 how to be an adult in the face of your mommy. 0:02:18.080 --> 0:02:23.080 Now listen. As a mother, I know that mothers can 0:02:23.120 --> 0:02:27.200 be difficult, but I also know that there is no 0:02:27.280 --> 0:02:31.720 greater love, no greater connection than the one between a 0:02:31.800 --> 0:02:36.520 mother and a child. So when there's a breakdown between 0:02:36.520 --> 0:02:40.080 a mother and an adult child, I am sorry to 0:02:40.120 --> 0:02:45.120 say that everybody has to take a responsibility for their 0:02:45.280 --> 0:02:49.480 part in the breakdown, even me. And that's why we're 0:02:49.520 --> 0:02:56.440 gonna talk about it today. Greetings, beloved, Welcome to They 0:02:56.520 --> 0:03:00.160 are spots where we discuss all things relationships. So what 0:03:00.400 --> 0:03:03.799 is the problem, issue, challenge question you would like us 0:03:03.800 --> 0:03:07.760 to nibble on today? Um, how do you move on 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:10.120 if you don't have a good relationship with your mother? 0:03:10.440 --> 0:03:13.359 How do you move on? Or how do I move on? 0:03:13.760 --> 0:03:18.720 You know? How do I move on? Good? Because so 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:22.720 very often in relationships, when we have a breakdown, a challenge, 0:03:22.720 --> 0:03:26.600 an issue, a problem, we externalize it. How do you 0:03:26.680 --> 0:03:29.280 do so and so when your mother? Know? How do 0:03:29.400 --> 0:03:32.400 I do so and so when my mother? Yeah, you 0:03:32.440 --> 0:03:34.639 want to own all of it so that you can 0:03:34.639 --> 0:03:38.160 get to it. How do I move on when I 0:03:38.200 --> 0:03:40.800 don't have a good relationship with my mother? So I 0:03:41.040 --> 0:03:44.400 need to clarify two things. What does move on mean? 0:03:45.080 --> 0:03:50.600 And what does good relationship means? Move on means? Um? 0:03:50.640 --> 0:03:52.520 I don't want to be bothered with her anymore. She's 0:03:52.560 --> 0:03:55.480 not a good person. That's that's a hard thing for 0:03:55.520 --> 0:03:58.680 me to say. I'm a mother, Okay, so that's very 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:02.600 hard for me to say. And the other thing is is, um, 0:04:02.800 --> 0:04:05.080 do it in a peaceful way where you know, I 0:04:05.160 --> 0:04:08.280 forgive her because my kids are watching me. I don't 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:13.120 want to be bothered with her anymore because she's not 0:04:13.320 --> 0:04:17.520 a good person. I just want to scratch there for 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:22.000 a moment. Okay, are you willing? Yeah? Of course, I 0:04:22.080 --> 0:04:27.120 don't want to be bothered with her. What does that mean? 0:04:27.279 --> 0:04:30.400 I don't want her in my life on any level. Well, 0:04:30.520 --> 0:04:32.920 that's not going to happen, so let's move on to 0:04:33.040 --> 0:04:38.680 the next thing. Let me tell you why. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 0:04:38.720 --> 0:04:45.039 Because it's a lifetime relationship. Her blood runs through your veins, 0:04:46.640 --> 0:04:50.120 You know how better than she knows herself, because you 0:04:50.279 --> 0:04:54.960 lived inside of her body, and perhaps you can see 0:04:55.200 --> 0:05:04.080 feel sense some of her contradictions and failures because you 0:05:04.240 --> 0:05:08.720 lived within her things that she's not conscious of herself. 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:13.640 Now you get to choose how to be in relationship 0:05:13.720 --> 0:05:16.640 with her, even if that's you send a Christmas card, 0:05:16.640 --> 0:05:19.640 a Mother's Day card, a birthday card. But as long 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:23.360 as you have upset with her, you will be in 0:05:23.800 --> 0:05:27.479 relationship with her. What you want to be is in 0:05:27.800 --> 0:05:33.200 peaceful relationship with her. Would that be accurate? No, I 0:05:33.200 --> 0:05:35.880 don't want to be in any relationship with her, but 0:05:36.040 --> 0:05:38.880 you are. That's not going to change. Her blood runs 0:05:38.880 --> 0:05:42.039 through your veins, so you're just you are rejecting or 0:05:42.240 --> 0:05:44.680 trying to detach from a piece of yourself. Your mother 0:05:44.839 --> 0:05:48.320 is your heart. The first sound you heard as a 0:05:48.360 --> 0:05:53.160 living being was her heartbeat. There's no way you cannot 0:05:53.640 --> 0:05:57.880 be in relationship with her. You get to choose the 0:05:58.160 --> 0:06:02.040 kind of relationship you have with her. Okay, then that's 0:06:02.080 --> 0:06:04.320 I guess. I want to be at peace with the 0:06:04.400 --> 0:06:06.920 kind of relationship I'm choosing with her. Does that make 0:06:07.279 --> 0:06:11.440 that better? Yes, that makes more sense. But as long 0:06:11.480 --> 0:06:13.880 as you feel I don't want her in my life, 0:06:13.880 --> 0:06:17.120 I don't want to be in relationship. You're fighting against yourself, Beloved, 0:06:18.279 --> 0:06:22.440 Your relationship with your mother is a life time relationship. 0:06:22.760 --> 0:06:25.880 You cannot undo her being your mother. You can undo 0:06:25.880 --> 0:06:30.560 a husband, you can undo a boss, and you share blood. 0:06:30.640 --> 0:06:35.080 You can't undo that. You can't undo it. Okay. This 0:06:35.160 --> 0:06:39.000 is so very curious to me because very recently I 0:06:39.440 --> 0:06:43.800 did some deep spiritual work and in that process of 0:06:43.839 --> 0:06:46.800 the work, what I became aware of, or what I 0:06:46.839 --> 0:06:52.000 was guided to recognize, is my daughter has a very 0:06:52.120 --> 0:06:56.680 contentious relationship with me. I could not figure out why 0:06:56.800 --> 0:06:59.600 I've given I've done that, booed the bie. You know, 0:06:59.720 --> 0:07:03.280 I'm mother right, and no matter how much I do, 0:07:03.360 --> 0:07:05.640 it's not enough. No matter what I do, it's not right, 0:07:06.240 --> 0:07:11.040 no matter you know anything that it's just you know, 0:07:11.160 --> 0:07:15.680 she's just an enemy to me, or it feels that way. 0:07:16.080 --> 0:07:19.160 And what I recognized or what I was shown in 0:07:19.240 --> 0:07:22.960 this work that I was doing on myself was that 0:07:23.080 --> 0:07:26.120 she is the part of me that I reject, deny, 0:07:26.360 --> 0:07:31.960 avoid and resist. She is my shadow self. And the 0:07:32.040 --> 0:07:35.040 way that I am with her is the way that 0:07:35.160 --> 0:07:37.520 I am with a piece of myself, the piece I 0:07:37.520 --> 0:07:39.920 don't like, the peace I don't recognize, the piece that 0:07:39.960 --> 0:07:42.680 I don't want to acknowledge admit, And she just shows 0:07:42.800 --> 0:07:46.680 up to support me in learning how to be compassionate 0:07:46.720 --> 0:07:49.720 with all of me. Now, my situation is the reverse 0:07:49.760 --> 0:07:52.320 of yours, because you're the daughter saying you don't want 0:07:52.320 --> 0:07:55.040 to be in relationship with the mother, and I have 0:07:55.240 --> 0:07:56.800 been the mother saying I don't want to be in 0:07:56.880 --> 0:07:59.920 relationship with the daughter because of the way she treats me. 0:08:00.080 --> 0:08:03.600 So here's my question, beloved, what part of your mother 0:08:03.880 --> 0:08:07.280 represents a part of you that maybe you're unaware of 0:08:07.440 --> 0:08:11.920 or unaccepting of, or having become conscious of yet so 0:08:12.080 --> 0:08:14.840 I know exactly which one. In my home, the only 0:08:14.880 --> 0:08:19.880 emotions was how to be mean and evil? Yeah, that 0:08:20.720 --> 0:08:23.239 is something that I worked through every day my husband 0:08:23.280 --> 0:08:25.080 when he first met me. Why do you always have 0:08:25.120 --> 0:08:27.480 a scowl on your face? Why you know? And so 0:08:27.720 --> 0:08:29.960 that part, like I know how to be mean and evil, 0:08:30.320 --> 0:08:34.199 But to be kind takes more effort. Yeah. Yeah, Well, 0:08:34.360 --> 0:08:38.040 to be kind takes an open heart. And when there's 0:08:38.040 --> 0:08:41.040 a breakdown between the mother and the daughter, I don't 0:08:41.040 --> 0:08:43.440 care who the mother is, who the daughter is. When 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:46.400 there's a breakdown between the mother and the daughter, the 0:08:46.559 --> 0:08:52.280 heart is shut down. So tell me you you say 0:08:52.360 --> 0:08:55.040 you're a mother, you have daughters, And what's your daughter's name? 0:08:55.200 --> 0:08:59.199 My daughter's name is Tyler. Let's make believe. Okay. Tyler 0:08:59.400 --> 0:09:02.560 is talking to this woman on the on the radio 0:09:02.679 --> 0:09:05.439 program and she says to the woman this, I want 0:09:05.480 --> 0:09:08.160 you to close your eyes and hear that I don't 0:09:08.200 --> 0:09:11.000 want to be bothered with my mother because she is 0:09:11.120 --> 0:09:13.800 not a good person. That's what Tyler is saying. How 0:09:13.840 --> 0:09:17.559 does that make you feel? It hurts me to my core? Yeah, 0:09:17.600 --> 0:09:21.199 because in your mind, just like me, you've done everything, 0:09:21.240 --> 0:09:23.920 You've given everything. You didn't treat her like your mother 0:09:23.960 --> 0:09:27.079 treated you. You don't do the things that your mother did. 0:09:27.200 --> 0:09:32.160 What is she talking about? But that's Tyler's experience. So 0:09:32.280 --> 0:09:37.080 what if your experience of your mother is not necessarily true, 0:09:37.240 --> 0:09:39.880 But it's the story that you've made up about the 0:09:39.880 --> 0:09:43.480 way you've interpreted who she is and how she behaves. 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:46.760 I feel like I've been open when I've been hurt. 0:09:46.960 --> 0:09:49.400 You hurt me when you did this, and she would 0:09:49.400 --> 0:09:52.400 do it again, and see I don't have time for that. Well, 0:09:52.440 --> 0:09:55.480 see you think that she did it again to you 0:09:55.920 --> 0:09:58.600 as opposed to did it again as a reflection of 0:09:58.600 --> 0:10:02.839 her consciousness and maybe her inability to resolve with her 0:10:02.880 --> 0:10:05.800 mother or with the dark part of herself. I'm telling you, 0:10:05.840 --> 0:10:08.360 they told me everything I don't like about my daughter 0:10:08.679 --> 0:10:10.880 is the stuff I don't like and accept about me. 0:10:11.440 --> 0:10:14.160 Maybe everything that you don't like and accept about your 0:10:14.200 --> 0:10:16.520 mother is the stuff that you don't like and accept 0:10:16.520 --> 0:10:20.240 about yourself. Because think of it this way, it's not 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:24.680 so much beloved what happens as it is the story 0:10:24.800 --> 0:10:27.840 we tell ourselves about what happens. So here's a story. 0:10:28.320 --> 0:10:32.120 My mother put me in the in the um trunk 0:10:32.120 --> 0:10:35.880 of the car, all right, that's what happened. She put 0:10:35.960 --> 0:10:38.520 you in the trunk of the car. Now, maybe she 0:10:38.640 --> 0:10:41.160 snatched you and put you in there. Maybe she tricked 0:10:41.160 --> 0:10:43.680 you to go in there. Maybe she threw you in there. 0:10:43.960 --> 0:10:46.520 She threw you in the trunk of the car. That's 0:10:46.520 --> 0:10:49.800 what happened. The story you tell yourself about it is 0:10:50.120 --> 0:10:51.560 my mother threw me in the trunk of the car 0:10:51.600 --> 0:10:53.679 because she hates me. My mother threw me in the 0:10:53.679 --> 0:10:56.160 trunk of the car because she's crazy. My mother threw 0:10:56.160 --> 0:10:58.040 me in the trunk of the car. And she shouldn't 0:10:58.040 --> 0:11:00.520 have done that, because she should have known I'm scared 0:11:00.520 --> 0:11:02.520 of the dark, and I didn't have anything to eat, 0:11:02.520 --> 0:11:04.680 and I had to pee, and she shouldn't have done it. 0:11:04.760 --> 0:11:07.679 The truth is, she put you in the trunk of 0:11:07.720 --> 0:11:12.840 the car, perhaps with no explanation. What changes the experience 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:18.280 into something more devastating is what you tell yourself about it, 0:11:18.480 --> 0:11:21.920 and what you tell yourself about her. So I tell 0:11:21.920 --> 0:11:24.559 my mother what she does that hurts me, and she 0:11:24.640 --> 0:11:28.200 does it again because she's not a good person. She 0:11:28.320 --> 0:11:30.480 does it again because she don't care about me. The 0:11:30.520 --> 0:11:32.920 only thing she do is think about herself. She did 0:11:32.960 --> 0:11:35.440 it again because she never hears what I'm saying. She 0:11:35.520 --> 0:11:38.800 don't care what she's doing to people. She's a selfish cow. 0:11:39.000 --> 0:11:41.440 She did it. Can you hear me? Yeah, I can 0:11:41.559 --> 0:11:44.920 hear you. Is it that she does it again or 0:11:45.120 --> 0:11:48.560 is it what you tell yourself about why she does 0:11:48.559 --> 0:11:52.600 it again? Both? I think it really is okay, But 0:11:52.720 --> 0:11:56.640 The one that matters is what you tell yourself. Because 0:11:56.679 --> 0:12:00.199 you want to believe what you think is true. You're 0:12:00.200 --> 0:12:05.319 gonna believe that. Why would your mother consciously do something? 0:12:06.720 --> 0:12:10.000 Because as well, that means you were born from not 0:12:10.120 --> 0:12:13.000 a good person. So there's not good in YouTube. M 0:12:13.200 --> 0:12:17.640 hm m m. Now what those I love? If you 0:12:17.760 --> 0:12:22.200 do it anywhere, you do it everywhere, just when you think, 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:25.640 just when you think. What I'm aware of now is 0:12:25.679 --> 0:12:30.160 that my daughter isn't responding to me necessarily about who 0:12:30.240 --> 0:12:33.079 I am and what I do. She's responding to me 0:12:33.160 --> 0:12:36.640 to show me the way I treat those dark parts 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:41.560 of myself. I deny them, I reject them, I avoid them, 0:12:41.559 --> 0:12:45.120 I resist them, I detached from them. So my job 0:12:45.240 --> 0:12:48.280 isn't trying to fix my relationship with my daughter. My 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:50.760 job is to shine lights on the part of me 0:12:51.720 --> 0:12:56.480 that I don't embrace and accept and acknowledge. That's my work, 0:12:57.200 --> 0:12:59.920 and to be grateful to her for showing me. If 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:02.800 your mother is not a good person and the first 0:13:02.800 --> 0:13:05.840 thing you heard was her heartbeat, then there's not good 0:13:05.880 --> 0:13:09.360 in you, and you probably have no idea of how 0:13:09.400 --> 0:13:11.960 it shows up. You want to find out. Ask your kids. 0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:15.800 They'll tell you, Oh they tell me, they tell me, 0:13:15.960 --> 0:13:18.400 oh yeah, And what do you say when they tell 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:21.200 you that? That would lead Tyler to say, I don't 0:13:21.280 --> 0:13:24.040 want to be bothered with my mother because she's not 0:13:24.200 --> 0:13:26.719 a good person. And what do you do with what 0:13:26.760 --> 0:13:29.840 they tell you? Oh? We I've hired a counselor for them, 0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:31.960 and then I've been brought in on the counseling session 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:34.560 because I'm at the root of everything. I'm open to 0:13:34.640 --> 0:13:36.679 it because I want to be my best me. Well, 0:13:36.720 --> 0:13:39.320 your best me means learning how to embrace your mother 0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:42.320 as she is and creating a relationship with her that 0:13:42.400 --> 0:13:44.880 honors who you are. That's that's how you're gonna be 0:13:44.920 --> 0:13:48.160 the best you. You can't walk away from her. Five 0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:50.760 years you haven't spoken to her, So then why is 0:13:50.800 --> 0:13:54.640 it still a problem? Beloved? Can you imagine not speaking 0:13:54.640 --> 0:13:58.040 to Tyler for five years? You know I can't. I 0:13:58.080 --> 0:14:00.840 mean really, well, then you need too, because that's what 0:14:00.920 --> 0:14:04.439 you're creating. Because the only way to truly heal a 0:14:04.600 --> 0:14:09.400 situation is to experience it from both sides. If you 0:14:09.480 --> 0:14:12.560 don't do the conscious work to heal something, then you 0:14:12.600 --> 0:14:15.959 were going to experience it from the other side, so 0:14:16.000 --> 0:14:18.800 that you have a full view of what's going on. 0:14:19.480 --> 0:14:22.720 And this is one of those family breakdowns. And first 0:14:22.720 --> 0:14:26.160 of all, it's very common. It's very common. That's number one, 0:14:26.640 --> 0:14:29.720 because either the mother can't see herself and the daughter, 0:14:30.120 --> 0:14:32.760 or the daughter won't see herself and the mother. And 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:35.480 we're so busy trying not to be like our mother 0:14:35.800 --> 0:14:39.440 or what we judge our mother to be, that we 0:14:39.560 --> 0:14:42.440 end up being just like her. Oh my god, I've 0:14:42.480 --> 0:14:47.880 become my mother. After the break will continue to unpack 0:14:48.040 --> 0:15:01.440 the difficult to navigate relationship between mothers and daughters. Welcome 0:15:01.440 --> 0:15:04.120 back to the our spot. Now let's get back into 0:15:04.120 --> 0:15:08.000 the conversation. So let me say this. My mother is 0:15:08.040 --> 0:15:11.440 not a good person and that makes me feel what. 0:15:12.200 --> 0:15:16.800 Take a breath. My mother is not a good person. 0:15:16.880 --> 0:15:18.960 My mother is not a good person, and it makes 0:15:19.000 --> 0:15:22.080 me feel alone. Uh huh, come on, take a breath. 0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:31.280 My mother is not a good person and I feel unwanted. Yes, okay, 0:15:31.400 --> 0:15:35.120 now listen to this one. My mother is evil and 0:15:35.200 --> 0:15:40.040 that makes me feel what. My mother is evil and 0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:44.400 that makes me feel ashamed. Ah, take a breath, baby. 0:15:45.760 --> 0:15:49.840 My mother's narcissistic and that makes me feel what I 0:15:49.920 --> 0:15:55.120 never want to be bothered with her again? Is that true? 0:15:56.040 --> 0:16:01.280 That's true? Is there something as true or truer than 0:16:01.360 --> 0:16:04.640 the statement that I never want to be bothered with 0:16:04.680 --> 0:16:08.040 my mother again? Is it something as true or true? 0:16:08.200 --> 0:16:12.640 How about I love my mother and I miss her, 0:16:12.680 --> 0:16:15.200 but I don't know how to be with her and 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:19.720 if it doesn't fit that's okay? Okay? Is that as 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:25.520 true or truer? Okay, take a breath. Yeah, how about 0:16:25.560 --> 0:16:29.480 this one as true or true? I love my mother, 0:16:29.560 --> 0:16:33.240 but I'm ashamed of who she is. I'm ashamed of 0:16:33.240 --> 0:16:38.840 how she behaves. Is that as true or true? True? 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:43.400 How about this one? I want to be in relationship 0:16:43.480 --> 0:16:46.880 with my mother, but only if she changes. That's not 0:16:46.920 --> 0:16:50.480 true because she can't change. Well, you don't know that 0:16:50.560 --> 0:16:54.680 to be true. She can't change, and you know what 0:16:54.720 --> 0:16:59.800 else can change? Your perspective of her, how you see her, 0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:04.640 how you hold her. Because you're speaking the story as 0:17:04.680 --> 0:17:09.280 if your mother's you know, intention in life is to 0:17:09.359 --> 0:17:14.240 hurt you, leave you alone, treat you bad. If your 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:17.320 mother is narcissistic, then she's got a mental and emotional 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:20.679 imbalance that she either has no awareness of or no control. Yes, 0:17:20.840 --> 0:17:23.159 I figured I have figure that out. Yes, and I 0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:26.640 don't know how to deal with it well again, Mother's 0:17:26.680 --> 0:17:32.520 Day card, Birthday card, Christmas card, Because your first responsibility 0:17:32.960 --> 0:17:36.000 is to protect yourself. And you didn't say this, but 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:39.760 I sense it. The way your mother behaves frightens you 0:17:40.080 --> 0:17:45.880 and you don't feel safe in her presence. Is that true? Okay? 0:17:46.040 --> 0:17:49.760 So beloved, Your work isn't about creating a relationship with 0:17:49.800 --> 0:17:56.359 your mother. Your relationship is investigating a loneness, unwantedness, shame, 0:17:56.880 --> 0:18:00.520 and not feeling safe. That's your work. What is it 0:18:00.560 --> 0:18:03.440 that she's done that makes you feel alone? And when 0:18:03.480 --> 0:18:06.040 else do you feel that way? What is it that 0:18:06.160 --> 0:18:09.080 she's done, or how is it that she's been with 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:12.320 you that makes you feel unwanted? And when else do 0:18:12.359 --> 0:18:15.600 you feel that way? When what has she done or 0:18:15.600 --> 0:18:18.480 how has she been with you that makes you feel ashamed? 0:18:19.000 --> 0:18:22.360 Because if you've got a mother that hurts you consciously 0:18:22.400 --> 0:18:25.240 and treat you poorly, yeah, I'd be ashamed to have 0:18:25.400 --> 0:18:27.520 that as my mother. But when else do you feel 0:18:27.520 --> 0:18:30.479 that way? You clean up those things and she's going 0:18:30.520 --> 0:18:34.080 to start looking different. But even more important, how do 0:18:34.359 --> 0:18:37.400 you do it? That's what I have to look at 0:18:37.440 --> 0:18:39.880 with my daughter. How do I do what she does. 0:18:40.440 --> 0:18:42.560 And it may not be that I do it now 0:18:42.680 --> 0:18:45.800 or that I do it consciously? How have I done 0:18:45.920 --> 0:18:48.320 what my daughter does? And I can see it? When 0:18:48.320 --> 0:18:50.440 I looked at it like that, I was like, Oh Jesus, 0:18:50.480 --> 0:18:53.120 just let me go down and drink brown looking straight 0:18:53.160 --> 0:19:01.240 out the bottle. Let me and I don't even drink, 0:19:01.480 --> 0:19:04.040 but I'm gonna drink brown look a straight about the 0:19:04.080 --> 0:19:07.399 bottle because when I looked at it that way, how 0:19:07.520 --> 0:19:10.639 have I done that? And to whom? And can I 0:19:10.720 --> 0:19:15.119 forgive myself for when I've done that? And what that 0:19:15.280 --> 0:19:18.240 did for me was give me more compassion for her. 0:19:19.000 --> 0:19:21.399 And it also set me up so that if I 0:19:21.480 --> 0:19:24.520 had to walk away, I would walk away. But it 0:19:24.600 --> 0:19:28.640 was a choice, not a reaction. You're walking away from 0:19:28.640 --> 0:19:31.919 your mother out of reaction, not out of choice. That 0:19:32.000 --> 0:19:34.600 means she's got the power you don't. I thought I 0:19:34.720 --> 0:19:36.440 was making a choice, but I haven't made a story 0:19:36.520 --> 0:19:39.080 because I hadn't worked on this stuff. If you haven't 0:19:39.080 --> 0:19:41.480 spoken to your mother in five years and you got 0:19:41.480 --> 0:19:43.280 to call me to ask me how to move on, 0:19:43.400 --> 0:19:49.040 you don't moved on, but you don't feel you don't 0:19:49.080 --> 0:19:52.639 feel bad because you haven't cleared your heart that I 0:19:52.640 --> 0:19:58.040 need to do. Really, how old is your daughter? Yeah? Baby, 0:19:58.119 --> 0:20:01.439 she can give you some truth. Oh she does. So 0:20:01.520 --> 0:20:05.480 she gave me some yesterday. And what did you do 0:20:05.680 --> 0:20:08.560 with it? I listened and I changed. She told me 0:20:08.600 --> 0:20:12.520 that you don't go places in places like Sephora. I 0:20:12.520 --> 0:20:14.879 don't like makeup. She wants to be a makeup artist. 0:20:14.880 --> 0:20:16.760 And I always say, well, you go down to Sephora. 0:20:16.840 --> 0:20:19.720 I'm going here, and she said, I want you to 0:20:19.800 --> 0:20:22.760 be with me and present. That's what she told me. 0:20:23.440 --> 0:20:26.160 So what what she's saying to you is I don't 0:20:26.200 --> 0:20:30.760 want to go to Sephora alone. That's exactly what she said. 0:20:30.840 --> 0:20:34.800 She said that too. Yeah, and you'd feel alone without 0:20:34.800 --> 0:20:38.239 your mom. And you're doing to her. You're modeling to 0:20:38.320 --> 0:20:41.440 her the very same thing you complain about with your mother. 0:20:43.040 --> 0:20:48.200 That's hurts. Yes, Oh yeah, you're setting yourself up baby, 0:20:48.680 --> 0:20:51.560 because you you you've really got to unpack that story 0:20:51.680 --> 0:20:55.119 that you're telling yourself about your mom. And that doesn't 0:20:55.160 --> 0:20:57.800 mean that she's the best person or that she did it. 0:20:57.920 --> 0:21:01.480 She did. You know, my mothers feed their kids out 0:21:01.520 --> 0:21:04.560 the trash can, but you know what, they will walk 0:21:04.880 --> 0:21:08.440 three and a half miles in a blizzard to go 0:21:08.640 --> 0:21:12.080 uptown to get the best trash they can find. Don't 0:21:12.119 --> 0:21:16.080 mean they didn't feed their kids trash, but as a mom, 0:21:16.560 --> 0:21:20.560 they went to find the best trash they could. But 0:21:20.600 --> 0:21:23.080 when the kids grow up, you know what they're gonna say, 0:21:23.240 --> 0:21:27.080 my mom getting me out the trash can. They're gonna 0:21:27.200 --> 0:21:29.280 discount the fact that she walked three and a half 0:21:29.400 --> 0:21:31.920 miles in a blizzard up and back three and a 0:21:31.920 --> 0:21:35.359 half miles, that's seven miles to get the best trash 0:21:35.480 --> 0:21:38.439 because they got better trash uptown than they had downtown, 0:21:38.640 --> 0:21:41.600 and all she had to give what's trash. She went 0:21:41.760 --> 0:21:43.639 to get the best trash she could find. But what 0:21:43.680 --> 0:21:46.199 the kids are gonna remember is my mama fed me 0:21:46.200 --> 0:21:48.720 out the trash can. That's what Tyler is gonna remember. 0:21:49.080 --> 0:21:52.160 She's gonna remember that the thing that's burning in her 0:21:52.200 --> 0:21:54.639 soul and her spirit, she wants to be a makeup artist. 0:21:55.080 --> 0:21:57.199 You don't have any interest in so you sent her 0:21:57.240 --> 0:22:00.879 to Sephora alone. That your voice and your wisdom and 0:22:00.920 --> 0:22:04.240 your insight, you better start liking makeup. And if you 0:22:04.280 --> 0:22:07.320 don't like it, fake it till you make it. Because 0:22:07.359 --> 0:22:13.240 it's important to her. It's important to her and probably 0:22:13.520 --> 0:22:15.959 your mother never had a conversation with a fool like 0:22:16.080 --> 0:22:18.120 me who would say, you don't have to like it. 0:22:18.480 --> 0:22:21.960 If it's important to her, make yourself like it. You're right, 0:22:23.119 --> 0:22:25.760 It's going to change my life. Thank you. It's not 0:22:25.920 --> 0:22:29.760 so much about forgiving your mother as it is about 0:22:29.800 --> 0:22:34.639 forgiving yourself, for judging your mother for the way she's 0:22:34.720 --> 0:22:38.000 been with you and how it's made you feel. She's 0:22:38.040 --> 0:22:40.440 been out your life five years and you can still 0:22:40.480 --> 0:22:45.120 pull up. I feel alone. Mm hmm. If you got 0:22:45.119 --> 0:22:48.000 a husband and two kids and you feel unwanted because 0:22:48.040 --> 0:22:51.800 your heart is not clean. So here's your here's your assignment. 0:22:52.520 --> 0:22:55.119 Clean up your heart, and your mother will shift, and 0:22:55.160 --> 0:22:57.480 then you choose how to be in relationship with her. 0:22:57.920 --> 0:23:02.160 Choose how to be in relationship. Don't react to her behavior, 0:23:02.600 --> 0:23:07.800 you know. Let this be your healing intention that I 0:23:07.840 --> 0:23:11.600 want to heal so that Tyler never has to feel 0:23:11.600 --> 0:23:17.280 about me the way I feel about my mother. Courageous, courageous, courageous, 0:23:17.359 --> 0:23:22.000 courageous woman. You are for calling because this is deep 0:23:22.119 --> 0:23:26.240 level healing that you are doing here, and it's so common. 0:23:26.880 --> 0:23:28.760 So I want to thank you for all of the 0:23:28.880 --> 0:23:31.399 mothers out there whose daughters don't speak to them, and 0:23:31.440 --> 0:23:33.280 all of the daughters out there who don't speak to 0:23:33.320 --> 0:23:36.880 their mother, and all the mothers and daughters who are struggling, 0:23:37.280 --> 0:23:39.879 you know, through these kinds of issues because you know, 0:23:40.000 --> 0:23:42.520 we we don't know how to heal it. And so 0:23:42.680 --> 0:23:45.359 thank you for your courage. I'm gonna send you to 0:23:45.480 --> 0:23:48.000 prayer and I'm gonna wish you the best. Stay in touch, 0:23:48.119 --> 0:23:49.960 send me an email every now and then and let 0:23:49.960 --> 0:23:53.239 me know how you're doing. Okay, okay, thank you so much, 0:23:54.320 --> 0:23:56.840 thank you, thank you, my love, and thank you for 0:23:56.920 --> 0:24:03.960 calling me our spot. So before you cut your mother off, 0:24:04.000 --> 0:24:08.200 you owe it to yourself to do everything in your 0:24:08.280 --> 0:24:12.480 power to at least come to a place of peace, 0:24:12.560 --> 0:24:16.040 to at least be at peace in your mind and 0:24:16.080 --> 0:24:19.800 in your heart with who your mother is, just as 0:24:19.880 --> 0:24:23.960 she is. Now here's the good news. You don't need 0:24:24.040 --> 0:24:28.560 the other person, your mother to heal, in order for 0:24:28.640 --> 0:24:32.199 you to heal the breakdown. Now Here is a not 0:24:32.320 --> 0:24:36.320 so good news. You don't need the other person to 0:24:36.560 --> 0:24:39.919 heal in order for you to heal your experience of 0:24:40.040 --> 0:24:43.639