1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:06,080 Speaker 1: I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher 2 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: for sam in a soft place to fall for others. 3 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:14,280 Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until 4 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,919 Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my 5 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:21,320 Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a 6 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:28,280 Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. 7 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:41,000 Speaker 1: I have a confession I want to make today. My daughter, 8 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:44,600 Speaker 1: my adult daughter, has decided she doesn't want to speak 9 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:48,159 Speaker 1: to me. For many many months, she ghosted me, wouldn't 10 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:51,400 Speaker 1: respond to my telephone calls, wouldn't answer my text and 11 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:55,520 Speaker 1: when we did connect, she acted like nothing. We're going on, 12 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:59,000 Speaker 1: as if I were crazy. Now there are days when 13 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:03,040 Speaker 1: my sanity can be questioned, but that's not the issue. 14 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: The issue here is how does a child, an adult child, 15 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:12,280 Speaker 1: resolve issues, upset breakdowns with their mother as an adult 16 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,560 Speaker 1: And why is it that we think it's okay to 17 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:19,199 Speaker 1: just cut our mother's off. Now I'm not talking about 18 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:24,040 Speaker 1: a physically abusive or verbally abusive mother. I'm talking about 19 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:28,319 Speaker 1: a mother that you have differences with because you're a 20 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:32,880 Speaker 1: woman and she's a woman. What makes us think that 21 00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 1: it's okay to just cut our mother's off. And if 22 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:40,240 Speaker 1: you are a mother, how do you think it would 23 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:44,440 Speaker 1: feel for your child to cut you off? It's hard, 24 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:48,880 Speaker 1: it's a hard life when you're in breakdown with your mother. 25 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:52,320 Speaker 1: But we need to talk about it. When it comes 26 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:56,400 Speaker 1: to your mother, my question is how do you know 27 00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 1: this is about her and not about you? How do 28 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,960 Speaker 1: you know this is not about how you see things, 29 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:08,920 Speaker 1: feel things, and just about who she is as a person. 30 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:14,200 Speaker 1: And the other difficulty in dealing with mothers is learning 31 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,920 Speaker 1: how to be an adult in the face of your mommy. 32 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:23,080 Speaker 1: Now listen. As a mother, I know that mothers can 33 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 1: be difficult, but I also know that there is no 34 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:31,720 Speaker 1: greater love, no greater connection than the one between a 35 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:36,520 Speaker 1: mother and a child. So when there's a breakdown between 36 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:40,080 Speaker 1: a mother and an adult child, I am sorry to 37 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:45,120 Speaker 1: say that everybody has to take a responsibility for their 38 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 1: part in the breakdown, even me. And that's why we're 39 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:56,440 Speaker 1: gonna talk about it today. Greetings, beloved, Welcome to They 40 00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:00,160 Speaker 1: are spots where we discuss all things relationships. So what 41 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,799 Speaker 1: is the problem, issue, challenge question you would like us 42 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:07,760 Speaker 1: to nibble on today? Um, how do you move on 43 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,120 Speaker 1: if you don't have a good relationship with your mother? 44 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,359 Speaker 1: How do you move on? Or how do I move on? 45 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:18,720 Speaker 1: You know? How do I move on? Good? Because so 46 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:22,720 Speaker 1: very often in relationships, when we have a breakdown, a challenge, 47 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:26,600 Speaker 1: an issue, a problem, we externalize it. How do you 48 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,280 Speaker 1: do so and so when your mother? Know? How do 49 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,400 Speaker 1: I do so and so when my mother? Yeah, you 50 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,639 Speaker 1: want to own all of it so that you can 51 00:03:34,639 --> 00:03:38,160 Speaker 1: get to it. How do I move on when I 52 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,800 Speaker 1: don't have a good relationship with my mother? So I 53 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 1: need to clarify two things. What does move on mean? 54 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 1: And what does good relationship means? Move on means? Um? 55 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 1: I don't want to be bothered with her anymore. She's 56 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,480 Speaker 1: not a good person. That's that's a hard thing for 57 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:58,680 Speaker 1: me to say. I'm a mother, Okay, so that's very 58 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:02,600 Speaker 1: hard for me to say. And the other thing is is, um, 59 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:05,080 Speaker 1: do it in a peaceful way where you know, I 60 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:08,280 Speaker 1: forgive her because my kids are watching me. I don't 61 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:13,120 Speaker 1: want to be bothered with her anymore because she's not 62 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:17,520 Speaker 1: a good person. I just want to scratch there for 63 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:22,000 Speaker 1: a moment. Okay, are you willing? Yeah? Of course, I 64 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:27,120 Speaker 1: don't want to be bothered with her. What does that mean? 65 00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:30,400 Speaker 1: I don't want her in my life on any level. Well, 66 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,920 Speaker 1: that's not going to happen, so let's move on to 67 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:38,680 Speaker 1: the next thing. Let me tell you why. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 68 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:45,039 Speaker 1: Because it's a lifetime relationship. Her blood runs through your veins, 69 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 1: You know how better than she knows herself, because you 70 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:54,960 Speaker 1: lived inside of her body, and perhaps you can see 71 00:04:55,200 --> 00:05:04,080 Speaker 1: feel sense some of her contradictions and failures because you 72 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:08,720 Speaker 1: lived within her things that she's not conscious of herself. 73 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:13,640 Speaker 1: Now you get to choose how to be in relationship 74 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,640 Speaker 1: with her, even if that's you send a Christmas card, 75 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,640 Speaker 1: a Mother's Day card, a birthday card. But as long 76 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:23,360 Speaker 1: as you have upset with her, you will be in 77 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:27,479 Speaker 1: relationship with her. What you want to be is in 78 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:33,200 Speaker 1: peaceful relationship with her. Would that be accurate? No, I 79 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 1: don't want to be in any relationship with her, but 80 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,880 Speaker 1: you are. That's not going to change. Her blood runs 81 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,039 Speaker 1: through your veins, so you're just you are rejecting or 82 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,680 Speaker 1: trying to detach from a piece of yourself. Your mother 83 00:05:44,839 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 1: is your heart. The first sound you heard as a 84 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:53,160 Speaker 1: living being was her heartbeat. There's no way you cannot 85 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:57,880 Speaker 1: be in relationship with her. You get to choose the 86 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:02,040 Speaker 1: kind of relationship you have with her. Okay, then that's 87 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,320 Speaker 1: I guess. I want to be at peace with the 88 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,920 Speaker 1: kind of relationship I'm choosing with her. Does that make 89 00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 1: that better? Yes, that makes more sense. But as long 90 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,880 Speaker 1: as you feel I don't want her in my life, 91 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:17,120 Speaker 1: I don't want to be in relationship. You're fighting against yourself, Beloved, 92 00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:22,440 Speaker 1: Your relationship with your mother is a life time relationship. 93 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,880 Speaker 1: You cannot undo her being your mother. You can undo 94 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:30,560 Speaker 1: a husband, you can undo a boss, and you share blood. 95 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:35,080 Speaker 1: You can't undo that. You can't undo it. Okay. This 96 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:39,000 Speaker 1: is so very curious to me because very recently I 97 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:43,800 Speaker 1: did some deep spiritual work and in that process of 98 00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:46,800 Speaker 1: the work, what I became aware of, or what I 99 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:52,000 Speaker 1: was guided to recognize, is my daughter has a very 100 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:56,680 Speaker 1: contentious relationship with me. I could not figure out why 101 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,600 Speaker 1: I've given I've done that, booed the bie. You know, 102 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:03,280 Speaker 1: I'm mother right, and no matter how much I do, 103 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,640 Speaker 1: it's not enough. No matter what I do, it's not right, 104 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:11,040 Speaker 1: no matter you know anything that it's just you know, 105 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:15,680 Speaker 1: she's just an enemy to me, or it feels that way. 106 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,160 Speaker 1: And what I recognized or what I was shown in 107 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:22,960 Speaker 1: this work that I was doing on myself was that 108 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:26,120 Speaker 1: she is the part of me that I reject, deny, 109 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 1: avoid and resist. She is my shadow self. And the 110 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,040 Speaker 1: way that I am with her is the way that 111 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,520 Speaker 1: I am with a piece of myself, the piece I 112 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,920 Speaker 1: don't like, the peace I don't recognize, the piece that 113 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,680 Speaker 1: I don't want to acknowledge admit, And she just shows 114 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:46,680 Speaker 1: up to support me in learning how to be compassionate 115 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 1: with all of me. Now, my situation is the reverse 116 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 1: of yours, because you're the daughter saying you don't want 117 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:55,040 Speaker 1: to be in relationship with the mother, and I have 118 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:56,800 Speaker 1: been the mother saying I don't want to be in 119 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,920 Speaker 1: relationship with the daughter because of the way she treats me. 120 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,600 Speaker 1: So here's my question, beloved, what part of your mother 121 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:07,280 Speaker 1: represents a part of you that maybe you're unaware of 122 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:11,920 Speaker 1: or unaccepting of, or having become conscious of yet so 123 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,840 Speaker 1: I know exactly which one. In my home, the only 124 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:19,880 Speaker 1: emotions was how to be mean and evil? Yeah, that 125 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,239 Speaker 1: is something that I worked through every day my husband 126 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,080 Speaker 1: when he first met me. Why do you always have 127 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,480 Speaker 1: a scowl on your face? Why you know? And so 128 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,960 Speaker 1: that part, like I know how to be mean and evil, 129 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:34,199 Speaker 1: But to be kind takes more effort. Yeah. Yeah, Well, 130 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:38,040 Speaker 1: to be kind takes an open heart. And when there's 131 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 1: a breakdown between the mother and the daughter, I don't 132 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,440 Speaker 1: care who the mother is, who the daughter is. When 133 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,400 Speaker 1: there's a breakdown between the mother and the daughter, the 134 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:52,280 Speaker 1: heart is shut down. So tell me you you say 135 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,040 Speaker 1: you're a mother, you have daughters, And what's your daughter's name? 136 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:59,199 Speaker 1: My daughter's name is Tyler. Let's make believe. Okay. Tyler 137 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,560 Speaker 1: is talking to this woman on the on the radio 138 00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:05,439 Speaker 1: program and she says to the woman this, I want 139 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,160 Speaker 1: you to close your eyes and hear that I don't 140 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,000 Speaker 1: want to be bothered with my mother because she is 141 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:13,800 Speaker 1: not a good person. That's what Tyler is saying. How 142 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:17,559 Speaker 1: does that make you feel? It hurts me to my core? Yeah, 143 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:21,199 Speaker 1: because in your mind, just like me, you've done everything, 144 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,920 Speaker 1: You've given everything. You didn't treat her like your mother 145 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,079 Speaker 1: treated you. You don't do the things that your mother did. 146 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:32,160 Speaker 1: What is she talking about? But that's Tyler's experience. So 147 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:37,080 Speaker 1: what if your experience of your mother is not necessarily true, 148 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,880 Speaker 1: But it's the story that you've made up about the 149 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,480 Speaker 1: way you've interpreted who she is and how she behaves. 150 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,760 Speaker 1: I feel like I've been open when I've been hurt. 151 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,400 Speaker 1: You hurt me when you did this, and she would 152 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,400 Speaker 1: do it again, and see I don't have time for that. Well, 153 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:55,480 Speaker 1: see you think that she did it again to you 154 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,600 Speaker 1: as opposed to did it again as a reflection of 155 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,839 Speaker 1: her consciousness and maybe her inability to resolve with her 156 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,800 Speaker 1: mother or with the dark part of herself. I'm telling you, 157 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,360 Speaker 1: they told me everything I don't like about my daughter 158 00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:10,880 Speaker 1: is the stuff I don't like and accept about me. 159 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:14,160 Speaker 1: Maybe everything that you don't like and accept about your 160 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,520 Speaker 1: mother is the stuff that you don't like and accept 161 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 1: about yourself. Because think of it this way, it's not 162 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:24,680 Speaker 1: so much beloved what happens as it is the story 163 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,840 Speaker 1: we tell ourselves about what happens. So here's a story. 164 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:32,120 Speaker 1: My mother put me in the in the um trunk 165 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:35,880 Speaker 1: of the car, all right, that's what happened. She put 166 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,520 Speaker 1: you in the trunk of the car. Now, maybe she 167 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,160 Speaker 1: snatched you and put you in there. Maybe she tricked 168 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 1: you to go in there. Maybe she threw you in there. 169 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,520 Speaker 1: She threw you in the trunk of the car. That's 170 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:49,800 Speaker 1: what happened. The story you tell yourself about it is 171 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:51,560 Speaker 1: my mother threw me in the trunk of the car 172 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,679 Speaker 1: because she hates me. My mother threw me in the 173 00:10:53,679 --> 00:10:56,160 Speaker 1: trunk of the car because she's crazy. My mother threw 174 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,040 Speaker 1: me in the trunk of the car. And she shouldn't 175 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:00,520 Speaker 1: have done that, because she should have known I'm scared 176 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,520 Speaker 1: of the dark, and I didn't have anything to eat, 177 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,680 Speaker 1: and I had to pee, and she shouldn't have done it. 178 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,679 Speaker 1: The truth is, she put you in the trunk of 179 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:12,840 Speaker 1: the car, perhaps with no explanation. What changes the experience 180 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:18,280 Speaker 1: into something more devastating is what you tell yourself about it, 181 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:21,920 Speaker 1: and what you tell yourself about her. So I tell 182 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,559 Speaker 1: my mother what she does that hurts me, and she 183 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:28,200 Speaker 1: does it again because she's not a good person. She 184 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,480 Speaker 1: does it again because she don't care about me. The 185 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,920 Speaker 1: only thing she do is think about herself. She did 186 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,440 Speaker 1: it again because she never hears what I'm saying. She 187 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,800 Speaker 1: don't care what she's doing to people. She's a selfish cow. 188 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,440 Speaker 1: She did it. Can you hear me? Yeah, I can 189 00:11:41,559 --> 00:11:44,920 Speaker 1: hear you. Is it that she does it again or 190 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,560 Speaker 1: is it what you tell yourself about why she does 191 00:11:48,559 --> 00:11:52,600 Speaker 1: it again? Both? I think it really is okay, But 192 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:56,640 Speaker 1: The one that matters is what you tell yourself. Because 193 00:11:56,679 --> 00:12:00,199 Speaker 1: you want to believe what you think is true. You're 194 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:05,319 Speaker 1: gonna believe that. Why would your mother consciously do something? 195 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:10,000 Speaker 1: Because as well, that means you were born from not 196 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,000 Speaker 1: a good person. So there's not good in YouTube. M 197 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:17,640 Speaker 1: hm m m. Now what those I love? If you 198 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:22,200 Speaker 1: do it anywhere, you do it everywhere, just when you think, 199 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,640 Speaker 1: just when you think. What I'm aware of now is 200 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:30,160 Speaker 1: that my daughter isn't responding to me necessarily about who 201 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:33,079 Speaker 1: I am and what I do. She's responding to me 202 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:36,640 Speaker 1: to show me the way I treat those dark parts 203 00:12:36,679 --> 00:12:41,560 Speaker 1: of myself. I deny them, I reject them, I avoid them, 204 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:45,120 Speaker 1: I resist them, I detached from them. So my job 205 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:48,280 Speaker 1: isn't trying to fix my relationship with my daughter. My 206 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,760 Speaker 1: job is to shine lights on the part of me 207 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:56,480 Speaker 1: that I don't embrace and accept and acknowledge. That's my work, 208 00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 1: and to be grateful to her for showing me. If 209 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,800 Speaker 1: your mother is not a good person and the first 210 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,840 Speaker 1: thing you heard was her heartbeat, then there's not good 211 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:09,360 Speaker 1: in you, and you probably have no idea of how 212 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:11,960 Speaker 1: it shows up. You want to find out. Ask your kids. 213 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:15,800 Speaker 1: They'll tell you, Oh they tell me, they tell me, 214 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,400 Speaker 1: oh yeah, And what do you say when they tell 215 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,200 Speaker 1: you that? That would lead Tyler to say, I don't 216 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,040 Speaker 1: want to be bothered with my mother because she's not 217 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,719 Speaker 1: a good person. And what do you do with what 218 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,840 Speaker 1: they tell you? Oh? We I've hired a counselor for them, 219 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:31,960 Speaker 1: and then I've been brought in on the counseling session 220 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,560 Speaker 1: because I'm at the root of everything. I'm open to 221 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:36,679 Speaker 1: it because I want to be my best me. Well, 222 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,320 Speaker 1: your best me means learning how to embrace your mother 223 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,320 Speaker 1: as she is and creating a relationship with her that 224 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,880 Speaker 1: honors who you are. That's that's how you're gonna be 225 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,160 Speaker 1: the best you. You can't walk away from her. Five 226 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:50,760 Speaker 1: years you haven't spoken to her, So then why is 227 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:54,640 Speaker 1: it still a problem? Beloved? Can you imagine not speaking 228 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:58,040 Speaker 1: to Tyler for five years? You know I can't. I 229 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,840 Speaker 1: mean really, well, then you need too, because that's what 230 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:04,439 Speaker 1: you're creating. Because the only way to truly heal a 231 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:09,400 Speaker 1: situation is to experience it from both sides. If you 232 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:12,560 Speaker 1: don't do the conscious work to heal something, then you 233 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:15,959 Speaker 1: were going to experience it from the other side, so 234 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,800 Speaker 1: that you have a full view of what's going on. 235 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,720 Speaker 1: And this is one of those family breakdowns. And first 236 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:26,160 Speaker 1: of all, it's very common. It's very common. That's number one, 237 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:29,720 Speaker 1: because either the mother can't see herself and the daughter, 238 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 1: or the daughter won't see herself and the mother. And 239 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,480 Speaker 1: we're so busy trying not to be like our mother 240 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:39,440 Speaker 1: or what we judge our mother to be, that we 241 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,440 Speaker 1: end up being just like her. Oh my god, I've 242 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:47,880 Speaker 1: become my mother. After the break will continue to unpack 243 00:14:48,040 --> 00:15:01,440 Speaker 1: the difficult to navigate relationship between mothers and daughters. Welcome 244 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,120 Speaker 1: back to the our spot. Now let's get back into 245 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:08,000 Speaker 1: the conversation. So let me say this. My mother is 246 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:11,440 Speaker 1: not a good person and that makes me feel what. 247 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:16,800 Speaker 1: Take a breath. My mother is not a good person. 248 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,960 Speaker 1: My mother is not a good person, and it makes 249 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,080 Speaker 1: me feel alone. Uh huh, come on, take a breath. 250 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:31,280 Speaker 1: My mother is not a good person and I feel unwanted. Yes, okay, 251 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:35,120 Speaker 1: now listen to this one. My mother is evil and 252 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:40,040 Speaker 1: that makes me feel what. My mother is evil and 253 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:44,400 Speaker 1: that makes me feel ashamed. Ah, take a breath, baby. 254 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,840 Speaker 1: My mother's narcissistic and that makes me feel what I 255 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:55,120 Speaker 1: never want to be bothered with her again? Is that true? 256 00:15:56,040 --> 00:16:01,280 Speaker 1: That's true? Is there something as true or truer than 257 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:04,640 Speaker 1: the statement that I never want to be bothered with 258 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:08,040 Speaker 1: my mother again? Is it something as true or true? 259 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:12,640 Speaker 1: How about I love my mother and I miss her, 260 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,200 Speaker 1: but I don't know how to be with her and 261 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:19,720 Speaker 1: if it doesn't fit that's okay? Okay? Is that as 262 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 1: true or truer? Okay, take a breath. Yeah, how about 263 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:29,480 Speaker 1: this one as true or true? I love my mother, 264 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:33,240 Speaker 1: but I'm ashamed of who she is. I'm ashamed of 265 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:38,840 Speaker 1: how she behaves. Is that as true or true? True? 266 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:43,400 Speaker 1: How about this one? I want to be in relationship 267 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,880 Speaker 1: with my mother, but only if she changes. That's not 268 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:50,480 Speaker 1: true because she can't change. Well, you don't know that 269 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:54,680 Speaker 1: to be true. She can't change, and you know what 270 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:59,800 Speaker 1: else can change? Your perspective of her, how you see her, 271 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:04,640 Speaker 1: how you hold her. Because you're speaking the story as 272 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:09,280 Speaker 1: if your mother's you know, intention in life is to 273 00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:14,240 Speaker 1: hurt you, leave you alone, treat you bad. If your 274 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:17,320 Speaker 1: mother is narcissistic, then she's got a mental and emotional 275 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:20,679 Speaker 1: imbalance that she either has no awareness of or no control. Yes, 276 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,159 Speaker 1: I figured I have figure that out. Yes, and I 277 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,640 Speaker 1: don't know how to deal with it well again, Mother's 278 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:32,520 Speaker 1: Day card, Birthday card, Christmas card, Because your first responsibility 279 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,000 Speaker 1: is to protect yourself. And you didn't say this, but 280 00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:39,760 Speaker 1: I sense it. The way your mother behaves frightens you 281 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:45,880 Speaker 1: and you don't feel safe in her presence. Is that true? Okay? 282 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:49,760 Speaker 1: So beloved, Your work isn't about creating a relationship with 283 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:56,359 Speaker 1: your mother. Your relationship is investigating a loneness, unwantedness, shame, 284 00:17:56,880 --> 00:18:00,520 Speaker 1: and not feeling safe. That's your work. What is it 285 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,440 Speaker 1: that she's done that makes you feel alone? And when 286 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,040 Speaker 1: else do you feel that way? What is it that 287 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,080 Speaker 1: she's done, or how is it that she's been with 288 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,320 Speaker 1: you that makes you feel unwanted? And when else do 289 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:15,600 Speaker 1: you feel that way? When what has she done or 290 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,480 Speaker 1: how has she been with you that makes you feel ashamed? 291 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:22,360 Speaker 1: Because if you've got a mother that hurts you consciously 292 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,240 Speaker 1: and treat you poorly, yeah, I'd be ashamed to have 293 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,520 Speaker 1: that as my mother. But when else do you feel 294 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,479 Speaker 1: that way? You clean up those things and she's going 295 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:34,080 Speaker 1: to start looking different. But even more important, how do 296 00:18:34,359 --> 00:18:37,400 Speaker 1: you do it? That's what I have to look at 297 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,880 Speaker 1: with my daughter. How do I do what she does. 298 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:42,560 Speaker 1: And it may not be that I do it now 299 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,800 Speaker 1: or that I do it consciously? How have I done 300 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,320 Speaker 1: what my daughter does? And I can see it? When 301 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,440 Speaker 1: I looked at it like that, I was like, Oh Jesus, 302 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,120 Speaker 1: just let me go down and drink brown looking straight 303 00:18:53,160 --> 00:19:01,240 Speaker 1: out the bottle. Let me and I don't even drink, 304 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,040 Speaker 1: but I'm gonna drink brown look a straight about the 305 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:07,399 Speaker 1: bottle because when I looked at it that way, how 306 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:10,639 Speaker 1: have I done that? And to whom? And can I 307 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:15,119 Speaker 1: forgive myself for when I've done that? And what that 308 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:18,240 Speaker 1: did for me was give me more compassion for her. 309 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,399 Speaker 1: And it also set me up so that if I 310 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,520 Speaker 1: had to walk away, I would walk away. But it 311 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:28,640 Speaker 1: was a choice, not a reaction. You're walking away from 312 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,919 Speaker 1: your mother out of reaction, not out of choice. That 313 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,600 Speaker 1: means she's got the power you don't. I thought I 314 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,440 Speaker 1: was making a choice, but I haven't made a story 315 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,080 Speaker 1: because I hadn't worked on this stuff. If you haven't 316 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:41,480 Speaker 1: spoken to your mother in five years and you got 317 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,280 Speaker 1: to call me to ask me how to move on, 318 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:49,040 Speaker 1: you don't moved on, but you don't feel you don't 319 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,639 Speaker 1: feel bad because you haven't cleared your heart that I 320 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:58,040 Speaker 1: need to do. Really, how old is your daughter? Yeah? Baby, 321 00:19:58,119 --> 00:20:01,439 Speaker 1: she can give you some truth. Oh she does. So 322 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:05,480 Speaker 1: she gave me some yesterday. And what did you do 323 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:08,560 Speaker 1: with it? I listened and I changed. She told me 324 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:12,520 Speaker 1: that you don't go places in places like Sephora. I 325 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,879 Speaker 1: don't like makeup. She wants to be a makeup artist. 326 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,760 Speaker 1: And I always say, well, you go down to Sephora. 327 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,720 Speaker 1: I'm going here, and she said, I want you to 328 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:22,760 Speaker 1: be with me and present. That's what she told me. 329 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,160 Speaker 1: So what what she's saying to you is I don't 330 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:30,760 Speaker 1: want to go to Sephora alone. That's exactly what she said. 331 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:34,800 Speaker 1: She said that too. Yeah, and you'd feel alone without 332 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:38,239 Speaker 1: your mom. And you're doing to her. You're modeling to 333 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,440 Speaker 1: her the very same thing you complain about with your mother. 334 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:48,200 Speaker 1: That's hurts. Yes, Oh yeah, you're setting yourself up baby, 335 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,560 Speaker 1: because you you you've really got to unpack that story 336 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:55,119 Speaker 1: that you're telling yourself about your mom. And that doesn't 337 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,800 Speaker 1: mean that she's the best person or that she did it. 338 00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:01,480 Speaker 1: She did. You know, my mothers feed their kids out 339 00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:04,560 Speaker 1: the trash can, but you know what, they will walk 340 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:08,440 Speaker 1: three and a half miles in a blizzard to go 341 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:12,080 Speaker 1: uptown to get the best trash they can find. Don't 342 00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:16,080 Speaker 1: mean they didn't feed their kids trash, but as a mom, 343 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:20,560 Speaker 1: they went to find the best trash they could. But 344 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,080 Speaker 1: when the kids grow up, you know what they're gonna say, 345 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:27,080 Speaker 1: my mom getting me out the trash can. They're gonna 346 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,280 Speaker 1: discount the fact that she walked three and a half 347 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,920 Speaker 1: miles in a blizzard up and back three and a 348 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:35,359 Speaker 1: half miles, that's seven miles to get the best trash 349 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,439 Speaker 1: because they got better trash uptown than they had downtown, 350 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,600 Speaker 1: and all she had to give what's trash. She went 351 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:43,639 Speaker 1: to get the best trash she could find. But what 352 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,199 Speaker 1: the kids are gonna remember is my mama fed me 353 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,720 Speaker 1: out the trash can. That's what Tyler is gonna remember. 354 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:52,160 Speaker 1: She's gonna remember that the thing that's burning in her 355 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:54,639 Speaker 1: soul and her spirit, she wants to be a makeup artist. 356 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,199 Speaker 1: You don't have any interest in so you sent her 357 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,879 Speaker 1: to Sephora alone. That your voice and your wisdom and 358 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:04,240 Speaker 1: your insight, you better start liking makeup. And if you 359 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:07,320 Speaker 1: don't like it, fake it till you make it. Because 360 00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:13,240 Speaker 1: it's important to her. It's important to her and probably 361 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:15,959 Speaker 1: your mother never had a conversation with a fool like 362 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:18,120 Speaker 1: me who would say, you don't have to like it. 363 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,960 Speaker 1: If it's important to her, make yourself like it. You're right, 364 00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:25,760 Speaker 1: It's going to change my life. Thank you. It's not 365 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:29,760 Speaker 1: so much about forgiving your mother as it is about 366 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:34,639 Speaker 1: forgiving yourself, for judging your mother for the way she's 367 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:38,000 Speaker 1: been with you and how it's made you feel. She's 368 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,440 Speaker 1: been out your life five years and you can still 369 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:45,120 Speaker 1: pull up. I feel alone. Mm hmm. If you got 370 00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:48,000 Speaker 1: a husband and two kids and you feel unwanted because 371 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,800 Speaker 1: your heart is not clean. So here's your here's your assignment. 372 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:55,119 Speaker 1: Clean up your heart, and your mother will shift, and 373 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,480 Speaker 1: then you choose how to be in relationship with her. 374 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:02,160 Speaker 1: Choose how to be in relationship. Don't react to her behavior, 375 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:07,800 Speaker 1: you know. Let this be your healing intention that I 376 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:11,600 Speaker 1: want to heal so that Tyler never has to feel 377 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:17,280 Speaker 1: about me the way I feel about my mother. Courageous, courageous, courageous, 378 00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:22,000 Speaker 1: courageous woman. You are for calling because this is deep 379 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:26,240 Speaker 1: level healing that you are doing here, and it's so common. 380 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:28,760 Speaker 1: So I want to thank you for all of the 381 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:31,399 Speaker 1: mothers out there whose daughters don't speak to them, and 382 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,280 Speaker 1: all of the daughters out there who don't speak to 383 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:36,880 Speaker 1: their mother, and all the mothers and daughters who are struggling, 384 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,879 Speaker 1: you know, through these kinds of issues because you know, 385 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,520 Speaker 1: we we don't know how to heal it. And so 386 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,359 Speaker 1: thank you for your courage. I'm gonna send you to 387 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:48,000 Speaker 1: prayer and I'm gonna wish you the best. Stay in touch, 388 00:23:48,119 --> 00:23:49,960 Speaker 1: send me an email every now and then and let 389 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:53,239 Speaker 1: me know how you're doing. Okay, okay, thank you so much, 390 00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:56,840 Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, my love, and thank you for 391 00:23:56,920 --> 00:24:03,960 Speaker 1: calling me our spot. So before you cut your mother off, 392 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:08,200 Speaker 1: you owe it to yourself to do everything in your 393 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:12,480 Speaker 1: power to at least come to a place of peace, 394 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:16,040 Speaker 1: to at least be at peace in your mind and 395 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:19,800 Speaker 1: in your heart with who your mother is, just as 396 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:23,960 Speaker 1: she is. Now here's the good news. You don't need 397 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:28,560 Speaker 1: the other person, your mother to heal, in order for 398 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:32,199 Speaker 1: you to heal the breakdown. Now Here is a not 399 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:36,320 Speaker 1: so good news. You don't need the other person to 400 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,919 Speaker 1: heal in order for you to heal your experience of 401 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,639 Speaker 1: the breakdown. Why is that because more often than not, 402 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:48,639 Speaker 1: when it's a family breakdown, a lifetime relationship we think 403 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:53,080 Speaker 1: the other person also has to heal. That is not true. 404 00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:58,040 Speaker 1: You can do the healing work. You can have a 405 00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:03,160 Speaker 1: relationship because you get to choose a breakdown. In a 406 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:07,760 Speaker 1: family relationship when they're shared blood, the only escape route 407 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:16,080 Speaker 1: is forgiveness, and that's usually the last thing we want 408 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:20,639 Speaker 1: to do. We'll dive into how to do that after 409 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:31,880 Speaker 1: the break. Welcome back. How do you clean up issues 410 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:36,080 Speaker 1: with your mother? I mean your mother who fed you, 411 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,920 Speaker 1: closed you, took care of you to the best of 412 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:44,320 Speaker 1: her ability, and now as an adult, you don't like her. 413 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,960 Speaker 1: You don't like how she does, what she does, how 414 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:54,119 Speaker 1: she does it with you or to you. My experiences, 415 00:25:54,359 --> 00:25:59,119 Speaker 1: most people have no clue how to address their mother 416 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,680 Speaker 1: as in her adult because they were hurt by her 417 00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:07,040 Speaker 1: when she was just mommy. So what they do is 418 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:10,320 Speaker 1: they cut her off. Just cut her off. And of course, 419 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:14,639 Speaker 1: because she's the older adult, it's always her fault. Well, 420 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:20,000 Speaker 1: moms do the best they can. Mom's a human. Take 421 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:25,720 Speaker 1: a listen, Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the our spot 422 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:30,000 Speaker 1: when we talk about all things relationships, all kinds of relationships. 423 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:34,119 Speaker 1: So what is your relationship issue challenge dilemma today? I 424 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:38,679 Speaker 1: have been having an issue with my immediate family and 425 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:42,480 Speaker 1: my mom, my sister, my brother, and it's been going 426 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:45,920 Speaker 1: on two years, back and forward, and I'm just at 427 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:47,359 Speaker 1: a point of I don't know what else to do. 428 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:49,439 Speaker 1: I was kind of pulled away, and you know, I 429 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:53,000 Speaker 1: love my family, and I don't know what it is. Okay, Well, 430 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:56,280 Speaker 1: how do you experience it? I just like the black sheet. 431 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:59,639 Speaker 1: It's like it starts with my mom. You know, she 432 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:03,720 Speaker 1: would gossip about me, or if she's upset with my sister, 433 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,320 Speaker 1: she would say things to my brother about my sister. 434 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,440 Speaker 1: My sister and I have the same father and my 435 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:13,400 Speaker 1: brother doesn't. But a lot of things started. So then 436 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:17,480 Speaker 1: my mom was dating my brother's dad, and I've witnessed 437 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:21,480 Speaker 1: him hitting my mom and slapping her food off the table, 438 00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:24,480 Speaker 1: and you know, as going up, I've seen that. So 439 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:28,240 Speaker 1: I I just didn't like him, and I left and 440 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,920 Speaker 1: went to a friend, and my mom came to get 441 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:34,679 Speaker 1: me with the police. And once I got home, Uh, 442 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,840 Speaker 1: I was pushed in my room by my sister and 443 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,800 Speaker 1: my mom was proceeded to hit me in my face 444 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,600 Speaker 1: and woke up the next morning with the clothes eye 445 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,000 Speaker 1: and had to go to school like that, and that 446 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:50,600 Speaker 1: those punches to my face stuck with me up until now, 447 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:54,360 Speaker 1: and it still hurts me. And over the years I've 448 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:58,040 Speaker 1: tried to, you know, get past it, and it's like 449 00:27:58,359 --> 00:28:02,919 Speaker 1: that has shaped, you know, this whole thing with my mom. Okay, 450 00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:05,160 Speaker 1: So you've got a couple of things going on here, 451 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:07,480 Speaker 1: so I want to I want to just move in 452 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:14,119 Speaker 1: on something that I think may maybe the main issue. 453 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:19,159 Speaker 1: So I'm gonna offer you this. Because I hear you 454 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:22,720 Speaker 1: saying you feel like the black sheep, I hear something 455 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:27,760 Speaker 1: a little different. I hear a hurt and a betrayal 456 00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:32,160 Speaker 1: because your mother. Your mother chose a man over you. 457 00:28:33,119 --> 00:28:38,280 Speaker 1: Does that fit for you? Okay? So there, it is 458 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:41,240 Speaker 1: not that you're the black sheep, but I hurt and 459 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:45,760 Speaker 1: a betrayal because your mother chose a man over you. 460 00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:50,720 Speaker 1: You left home because you didn't want to witness participate. 461 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:54,360 Speaker 1: C no that she was allowing a man to treat 462 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:57,560 Speaker 1: her poorly. And not only did she come and drag 463 00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:02,640 Speaker 1: you back, she hum humiliated you by slapping you in 464 00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:05,200 Speaker 1: your face. I think of all the things parents can 465 00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:07,640 Speaker 1: do to children, that's the one thing that they need 466 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:11,040 Speaker 1: to outlaw. Slapping a person in their face is a 467 00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:17,440 Speaker 1: form of humiliation. She humiliated you and took him back, 468 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:22,280 Speaker 1: and he just happens to be your brother's father, so 469 00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:27,000 Speaker 1: you experience it as her favoring your brother over you 470 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:31,320 Speaker 1: and your sister. Would that be accurate? Yeah? So see 471 00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:33,560 Speaker 1: that's a lot different than I'm the black sheep of 472 00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:41,240 Speaker 1: the family, isn't it? And I can imagine how hard 473 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:44,400 Speaker 1: it is for that little girl in there and for you, 474 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:48,600 Speaker 1: as a grown woman to sit with. My mom chose 475 00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:52,080 Speaker 1: a man over me. And not only does she choose 476 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:55,240 Speaker 1: a man over me, she chose a married man who 477 00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:58,600 Speaker 1: abuses her over me. Well, what the heck is wrong 478 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:01,800 Speaker 1: with me that she would make that choice? Is that 479 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:06,440 Speaker 1: how it lands in your belly? Okay? Humiliated you? Now 480 00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:10,600 Speaker 1: you're humiliating yourself by saying I'm the black sheet. Ain't 481 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:12,960 Speaker 1: nothing wrong with black sheet. They give wool just like 482 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:16,800 Speaker 1: white sheet. So even being the black sheet paid a 483 00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:19,120 Speaker 1: bad thing. So I need to hear you say it 484 00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:22,080 Speaker 1: so that I can hear how much of it you're 485 00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:32,040 Speaker 1: owning that humiliated me? When oh man over me? Where 486 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:38,920 Speaker 1: do you feel that in your body? Yes? Yeah, I 487 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,920 Speaker 1: just want you to be present with that for a 488 00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:44,000 Speaker 1: little while and let that little girl cry about it 489 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,880 Speaker 1: if she needs to, because I think you shut her 490 00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:53,040 Speaker 1: down and rehumiliate her by not telling the truth about it. So, 491 00:30:53,640 --> 00:31:00,600 Speaker 1: my beloved, for you, there's only one escape hatch, only one, 492 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:05,000 Speaker 1: and its forgiveness. It's not you, the forty six year 493 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:10,160 Speaker 1: old woman, doing the forgiveness. It's finding the voice and 494 00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:12,880 Speaker 1: the feeling and the energy of that little girl that 495 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:16,080 Speaker 1: got slapped in the face. What does she need to forget? 496 00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:20,920 Speaker 1: It's her thoughts, it's her feelings, it's her experience. You're 497 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:24,080 Speaker 1: not healing what's going on today, this thing about you 498 00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:26,600 Speaker 1: and your mom and your sister and your brother. That's 499 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:31,520 Speaker 1: not what you're healing. You're healing her brokenness all the 500 00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:36,080 Speaker 1: way back. Then does that make sense to you? And 501 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:40,560 Speaker 1: you know, these family breakdowns when you're an adult almost 502 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:43,480 Speaker 1: always have their root in their core as something that 503 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:47,120 Speaker 1: happened when you were a child. So here we're talking 504 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:53,920 Speaker 1: about humiliation, we're talking about betrayal. We're talking about not protecting, 505 00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:59,200 Speaker 1: not nurturing that little girl who is probably afraid when 506 00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:02,640 Speaker 1: this man was not being nice to her mommy, So 507 00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:10,080 Speaker 1: exposing you to danger, exposing you too emotional unsafety. She 508 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,800 Speaker 1: needs to forgive her mom for all of those things, 509 00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:16,840 Speaker 1: not you her. You're just bringing forth her energy and 510 00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:19,400 Speaker 1: it's showing up the way it is today. Does that 511 00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:22,400 Speaker 1: make sense to you? So? Can I gift you a 512 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:25,000 Speaker 1: copy of my book on forgiveness so that you can 513 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:29,480 Speaker 1: do that work and it's a forty day process. I 514 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:31,320 Speaker 1: want you to do that work, and then I want 515 00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:33,840 Speaker 1: you to call me and tell me what you now realize, 516 00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:37,040 Speaker 1: and also tell me if anything has changed with you 517 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:41,520 Speaker 1: and your mom will thank you. Okay, my love, you'd 518 00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:45,560 Speaker 1: be well. I want to hear from you. You know, 519 00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:51,480 Speaker 1: loveships or loving relationships, intimate relationships among partners are not 520 00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:57,040 Speaker 1: the only relationships that break down. Family relationships also break down, 521 00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:59,920 Speaker 1: whether it's the breakdown between the parent and the ChIL 522 00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:03,960 Speaker 1: dren or between the siblings or in a blended family. 523 00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:10,880 Speaker 1: But family relationships are very often difficult to heal because 524 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:15,120 Speaker 1: when they break down, our first instinct is to run. 525 00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:17,479 Speaker 1: We want to run, We want to get away from 526 00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:20,440 Speaker 1: it as far as possible, because we don't realize that 527 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:27,640 Speaker 1: family relationships are lifetime relationships. Whenever there's a shared blood, 528 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,240 Speaker 1: whenever the blood that runs through your veins is running 529 00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:34,000 Speaker 1: through somebody else's veins. That is a lifetime relationship, So 530 00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:38,840 Speaker 1: whether you're with the person, see the person, or engage 531 00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:42,160 Speaker 1: with the person, you still have to heal the breakdown. 532 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:46,840 Speaker 1: I'm Yama and I thank you for tuning in. If 533 00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:50,040 Speaker 1: you have questions or insights about this or any other 534 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:53,280 Speaker 1: relationship topic and you would like us to explore it 535 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:56,120 Speaker 1: here on the our spot, you can call me live 536 00:33:56,280 --> 00:34:00,520 Speaker 1: at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven sixce eight. 537 00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:03,360 Speaker 1: Now be sure to follow me on social media for 538 00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:07,080 Speaker 1: all of the calling times. In the meantime, stay in 539 00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:16,560 Speaker 1: peace and not piece. It's the R Spot is a 540 00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:21,040 Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. 541 00:34:21,719 --> 00:34:25,640 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart 542 00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:29,759 Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your 543 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:30,600 Speaker 1: favorite shows.