WEBVTT - What a Girl Wants: Elyse Dehlbom 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:03.480 Hey all you sucky daters out there. Jared and Dean here, 0:00:03.480 --> 0:00:06.160 and we have the pleasure of introducing a brand new 0:00:06.840 --> 0:00:09.960 episode of What a Girl Wants this week. I love 0:00:10.000 --> 0:00:14.960 how Jared has become like a nighttime radio announcer. It 0:00:15.840 --> 0:00:17.840 kind of reminds me of Tiger King. Hey all you 0:00:17.880 --> 0:00:21.120 cool cats and kittens. I've been listening to Delilah too much. 0:00:21.480 --> 0:00:23.320 I love it. I think it's fantastic. We do have 0:00:23.360 --> 0:00:25.799 a great What a Girl Wants episode for you this week. 0:00:25.880 --> 0:00:28.240 I love What a Girl Wants. Not only does it 0:00:28.240 --> 0:00:30.720 allow us to take an extra day off, which let's 0:00:30.720 --> 0:00:32.440 be honest, I need as many days off as I 0:00:32.479 --> 0:00:35.360 can get, but it allows us to get to better 0:00:35.479 --> 0:00:38.519 know the people that are also in this franchise. And 0:00:38.560 --> 0:00:40.400 this week we have a very special episode for you. 0:00:40.760 --> 0:00:43.440 It is a lease del Bomb. She was on Colts 0:00:43.440 --> 0:00:47.559 and season Uh. She, as Jared has so eloquently put it, 0:00:47.600 --> 0:00:49.720 was in the running for the Bachelorurette. I still think 0:00:49.800 --> 0:00:53.080 she might be at some point later on. She's probably 0:00:53.120 --> 0:00:55.760 gonna grace her screens again on Paradise at some point 0:00:55.800 --> 0:00:59.520 in her lifetime, hopefully. But she's fantastic. She has a 0:00:59.560 --> 0:01:01.959 great guest this week as well. Uh this week on 0:01:02.000 --> 0:01:04.480 What a Girl Wants is a lease be sure to 0:01:04.480 --> 0:01:10.680 stay tuned. What a Girl Wants help my second dating spinoff, 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:17.000 and then I have already podcast. Thanks so much to 0:01:17.080 --> 0:01:20.120 Dan and Jared for having me again. I'm so excited 0:01:20.120 --> 0:01:23.000 to be taking over this episode of What a Girl Wants. 0:01:23.840 --> 0:01:26.520 And you may know me from The Bachelor as the 0:01:26.640 --> 0:01:29.640 self proclaimed cougar. So today I want to talk about 0:01:29.680 --> 0:01:33.240 what it's really like dating in your thirties. There's certainly 0:01:34.040 --> 0:01:38.199 some obstacles that come along with it. For instance, I 0:01:38.319 --> 0:01:41.399 honestly do not know how to approach some of the 0:01:41.480 --> 0:01:45.080 subjects that I would never have thought to even talk 0:01:45.120 --> 0:01:49.320 about when I was in my twenties, such as divorce, kids, 0:01:49.840 --> 0:01:53.840 all of these things that quite frankly, I never would 0:01:53.840 --> 0:01:56.440 have even thought to bring up when I started dating 0:01:56.520 --> 0:02:00.920 someone um in my younger years. So now I'm trying 0:02:00.920 --> 0:02:06.760 to navigate how to approach these subjects in a way 0:02:06.800 --> 0:02:11.280 that doesn't absolutely terrify men off. And today I'm so 0:02:11.320 --> 0:02:13.320 excited that we're going to have a guest on that 0:02:13.400 --> 0:02:17.240 might be able to help us. But um, specifically for me, 0:02:17.400 --> 0:02:20.640 I've noticed that when you're dating in your thirties. Not 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:24.000 only is there this societal standpoint of you should be 0:02:24.040 --> 0:02:26.160 married and you should already have kids, but for those 0:02:26.200 --> 0:02:30.960 of us that decided to focus on career or maybe 0:02:31.280 --> 0:02:34.160 we just haven't found that person yet. UM, when you're 0:02:34.240 --> 0:02:38.840 having initial date conversations, you have to get to those 0:02:38.960 --> 0:02:42.079 deal breaker points a lot quicker of do you want 0:02:42.200 --> 0:02:44.320 want more kids if they already have them? Or do 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:47.360 you want kids in general? Have you been divorced? What's 0:02:47.360 --> 0:02:50.480 the relationship like with their ex? All of these things 0:02:50.560 --> 0:02:56.040 are so difficult to figure out how to properly navigate without, 0:02:56.080 --> 0:03:00.720 like I said, completely terrifying the eye off, as if 0:03:00.760 --> 0:03:02.800 you're just in a rush to walk down the aisle. 0:03:03.760 --> 0:03:08.240 Have you um dated anyone with kids or that's been divorced, 0:03:08.280 --> 0:03:12.040 And what was that like having those conversations with them? 0:03:12.120 --> 0:03:16.639 You know, I actually most of my serious relationships have 0:03:16.760 --> 0:03:20.120 been with people that have children, and I think that 0:03:20.280 --> 0:03:22.320 gives me a little bit of perspective of being on 0:03:22.360 --> 0:03:25.639 the other side of it. They were um, significantly older 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:29.000 than me, had gone through divorce, had kids, and it 0:03:29.080 --> 0:03:32.240 was it was a bit of a struggle. I loved 0:03:32.400 --> 0:03:36.040 the children, absolutely loved them, but it's difficult to navigate 0:03:36.160 --> 0:03:39.200 those relationships when you know it's just not you and 0:03:39.280 --> 0:03:43.960 that person, you're also in a relationship with the X 0:03:44.280 --> 0:03:47.000 because they are then you know, the mom of the 0:03:47.080 --> 0:03:50.080 relationship and trying to figure out how you fall into 0:03:50.160 --> 0:03:53.640 line with that. UM. So I think that's been beneficial 0:03:53.680 --> 0:03:58.000 to me having those experiences in my twenties, but now 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:01.880 doing it from a position of, hey, maybe I'm in 0:04:01.880 --> 0:04:06.080 a place where I'm thinking about having kids or um. 0:04:06.120 --> 0:04:09.800 You know, like I said, the biological standpoint of all right, 0:04:09.840 --> 0:04:11.960 we need to get to these conversations a little quicker 0:04:12.000 --> 0:04:14.560 because I don't want to invest the time and emotion 0:04:14.640 --> 0:04:17.880 into a relationship if I don't know that we are 0:04:17.960 --> 0:04:20.040 at least on the same page of what our future 0:04:20.080 --> 0:04:23.719 goals are regarding those topics. Yeah, like what are some 0:04:23.800 --> 0:04:29.320 of those I guess deal breakers? Um that you come 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:33.840 to learn our deal breakers as you get older. Well 0:04:33.920 --> 0:04:38.239 my list has certainly expanded since I've gotten older, having 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:41.320 gone through some not so great relationships. But you know, 0:04:41.440 --> 0:04:43.920 for me, as someone who is and I'll be honest, 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:46.839 I'm not sure if I want children. I loved the 0:04:46.920 --> 0:04:50.000 experience of kind of being that um standing mom, But 0:04:50.080 --> 0:04:53.360 because I'm unsure of it. I want to have someone 0:04:53.440 --> 0:04:57.080 that is open to the possibility that we can if 0:04:57.120 --> 0:04:59.400 I found the right partner, we can have that dialogue 0:04:59.400 --> 0:05:02.480 of Okay, we're we're ready to expand not just us 0:05:02.480 --> 0:05:06.160 as a couple, and maybe start a family. And I 0:05:06.160 --> 0:05:07.960 don't know if I would be willing to be in 0:05:07.960 --> 0:05:10.200 a relationship with someone that maybe is coming from a 0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:13.080 divorce where they've already gone through those life experiences of 0:05:13.120 --> 0:05:16.279 having children and feel like, Okay, I've been there, done that. 0:05:16.360 --> 0:05:18.920 I'm happy to raise the children I have and don't 0:05:18.960 --> 0:05:23.159 want to bring anybody else into the mix. Um. Those 0:05:23.160 --> 0:05:27.400 are conversations that are really really difficult and and sensitive 0:05:27.480 --> 0:05:32.039 to but also have to be broached UM kind of 0:05:32.120 --> 0:05:35.000 early on, because again, I don't want to invest the 0:05:35.040 --> 0:05:37.000 time or energy into someone that doesn't want the same 0:05:37.000 --> 0:05:41.360 things as me. Yeah. I a couple of years ago 0:05:41.720 --> 0:05:47.040 I dated someone with UM that was divorced. I'm twenty three. 0:05:47.360 --> 0:05:51.080 Excuse me, I'm twenty three, and I was like twenty one. 0:05:51.560 --> 0:05:53.160 And I look back now, and I mean it was 0:05:53.200 --> 0:05:54.960 only two years ago, but I was like, what was 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:59.320 I thinking? But something I thought was like very difficult? 0:05:59.600 --> 0:06:03.479 Was UM not thinking about like, wow, they've already had 0:06:03.520 --> 0:06:08.160 those first um and like I won't be the first 0:06:08.320 --> 0:06:10.720 for some of those things. Do you think that that's 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:14.400 something difficult that you had to like get I guess 0:06:14.400 --> 0:06:17.280 get over or like move on from knowing that? And 0:06:17.480 --> 0:06:20.560 do you think that in future relationships, like a future relationship, 0:06:20.640 --> 0:06:24.520 you would want to have those first experiences with them? 0:06:24.560 --> 0:06:28.000 To me, and I completely agree with you because I 0:06:28.080 --> 0:06:31.200 was twenty three when I didd Um the first guy 0:06:31.240 --> 0:06:34.520 that had children, And I have to say it was 0:06:34.640 --> 0:06:37.840 tough because I was so used to relationships where you 0:06:37.920 --> 0:06:40.799 are there you know, maybe work or family come first, 0:06:40.800 --> 0:06:43.479 but otherwise you're their first priority. And when you're dating 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:47.359 people that have children, you're not. And so that comes 0:06:47.360 --> 0:06:49.159 with a little bit of an ego struggle too of 0:06:49.240 --> 0:06:54.200 navigating that. But also where you're talking about first, that 0:06:54.279 --> 0:06:57.680 was a challenge because I was thinking, Okay, this in 0:06:57.880 --> 0:07:02.400 that significant age gap, he might be kind of over 0:07:02.440 --> 0:07:05.599 and done with this experience and have already raised kids 0:07:05.640 --> 0:07:10.400 and changed diapers and we won't potentially have that experience together, 0:07:11.000 --> 0:07:15.480 which was so important to me just for myself that 0:07:16.160 --> 0:07:18.440 that maybe I wanted to have those first to have 0:07:18.600 --> 0:07:23.000 the morning where you're videotaping kids on on Christmas morning, 0:07:23.080 --> 0:07:27.240 taking apart their gifts, and trying to understand how I 0:07:27.280 --> 0:07:34.480 could get over not potentially having that experience, but fully 0:07:34.480 --> 0:07:38.160 immersing myself in the fact that he had wonderful children 0:07:38.480 --> 0:07:42.000 and being trying to figure out my role a little bit, 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:46.280 figure out my role as I might not be used 0:07:46.320 --> 0:07:50.520 to this situation. I might have my own, maybe ego 0:07:50.680 --> 0:07:54.000 or just nostalgia driven ideas of what I wanted for 0:07:54.120 --> 0:07:57.160 my future, but learning how to adapt it to the 0:07:57.200 --> 0:08:00.040 current situation of the current relationship I was in. And 0:08:00.480 --> 0:08:03.000 I think it is a struggle. But the biggest takeaway 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:05.480 I have from someone who's done this a couple of 0:08:05.480 --> 0:08:10.560 times is it is so so incredibly fulfilling, whether the 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:14.040 children are not biologically yours or not, to be able 0:08:14.080 --> 0:08:16.880 to take part and have the trust and respect from 0:08:16.920 --> 0:08:20.080 not only the person you're with but their past partner 0:08:20.400 --> 0:08:23.920 to be allowed into those situations. And I'll tell you 0:08:23.960 --> 0:08:26.440 what you go through, Like I said one Christmas of 0:08:26.480 --> 0:08:30.200 watching kids open presence in it definitely changes your perspective 0:08:30.240 --> 0:08:33.040 a little bit of feeling like this is family, and 0:08:33.080 --> 0:08:36.120 family comes in all different shapes and sizes, but it's 0:08:36.160 --> 0:08:39.760 getting over what you had is this ideal for your 0:08:39.760 --> 0:08:43.760 own personal life, and especially when I was twenty three, 0:08:44.000 --> 0:08:47.040 I'm gonna do this and this and this at this age, 0:08:47.160 --> 0:08:50.280 and and just realizing that life is is crazy and 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:52.280 takes you in ways that you didn't expect and just 0:08:52.320 --> 0:08:57.360 being open to your situation might look a little different, 0:08:57.920 --> 0:09:00.320 but the feelings are still the same, and they're still 0:09:00.920 --> 0:09:07.040 so much joy in those those moments that Um, so 0:09:07.120 --> 0:09:11.040 you said that, Uh, it's been interesting to navigate the 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:16.000 biological conversations while dating. Can you give us a little 0:09:16.040 --> 0:09:19.080 more detail on that, what that looks like and maybe 0:09:19.160 --> 0:09:24.240 some reactions you had. Yeah, absolutely, I think it's it's 0:09:24.320 --> 0:09:27.160 no secret, right we've all heard that good old stair 0:09:27.400 --> 0:09:29.840 type of like, oh the clock is ticking. Whether that's 0:09:29.880 --> 0:09:33.960 coming from um, just your own perception of what's going 0:09:34.000 --> 0:09:37.400 on in the world and society's ideals of where you 0:09:37.440 --> 0:09:40.520 should be at and especially in your thirties, but also 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:43.319 I'll be honest, we have those family members that tell 0:09:43.440 --> 0:09:47.199 us to like, Okay, I want grandkids. What's happening like 0:09:47.720 --> 0:09:49.440 at this point, you don't even have to get married, 0:09:49.480 --> 0:09:53.600 Just give me a grand baby. Um, it's it's really 0:09:54.080 --> 0:09:58.000 tough trying to figure out what you want versus what 0:09:58.080 --> 0:10:02.160 you think is expected of you. But then once you 0:10:02.480 --> 0:10:04.679 really narrow it down to like I said, for me, 0:10:04.840 --> 0:10:07.599 I'm not sure if having my own biological children is 0:10:07.640 --> 0:10:10.160 a huge priority in my life, but I want someone 0:10:10.200 --> 0:10:12.880 to be open to it. So trying to have those 0:10:12.920 --> 0:10:19.120 conversations right away in a relationship is so incredibly awkward, 0:10:19.400 --> 0:10:21.640 and I still am trying to figure out how to 0:10:21.720 --> 0:10:25.680 have those conversations in a way that doesn't seem like, hey, 0:10:25.679 --> 0:10:28.880 excuse me, sir. You know pounding on your wristwatch clock 0:10:29.080 --> 0:10:31.440 is ticking. I know we've been here for forty five minutes. 0:10:31.480 --> 0:10:32.959 But do what kids? Do you want to get married? 0:10:33.000 --> 0:10:36.760 Do you want children? What is your future goals and aspirations? 0:10:37.679 --> 0:10:41.199 I mean that can come on a bit strong. So 0:10:41.640 --> 0:10:44.959 just I'm I'm glad that I'm on this podcast, and 0:10:45.000 --> 0:10:47.760 I might not be the one to particularly talk about 0:10:47.760 --> 0:10:51.640 because I'm still trying to navigate how to have those conversations, 0:10:52.559 --> 0:10:54.880 UM in a way that doesn't make someone go running 0:10:54.920 --> 0:10:57.199 for the hills. Yeah, well, luckily we're gonna have an 0:10:57.240 --> 0:11:01.760 expert on later and maybe they can with that. UM. 0:11:01.840 --> 0:11:07.719 So you were considered the cougar. But you said that 0:11:07.800 --> 0:11:12.600 you've been UM dating a lot older, So have you 0:11:13.000 --> 0:11:17.000 still been dating younger? What is that looking like? Are you? 0:11:17.280 --> 0:11:20.120 Do you have a preference in uh in men and 0:11:20.200 --> 0:11:24.839 like age that I was that self proclaimed cougar. I 0:11:24.920 --> 0:11:26.720 knew it was going to be a joke going into 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:31.920 Colton season that he was significantly younger and less experienced 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:35.400 than I was in a lot of ways, so I 0:11:35.440 --> 0:11:37.800 figured if I made the joke first, nobody else could. 0:11:38.200 --> 0:11:41.040 But since the show, and I will give them credit, 0:11:41.080 --> 0:11:43.080 it kind of opened my eyes because, like you said, 0:11:43.080 --> 0:11:47.600 I haven't dated anyone younger than me ever, and I 0:11:47.679 --> 0:11:50.640 think because I had gone through a lot um in 0:11:50.679 --> 0:11:53.720 my early twenties, I felt like I connected to people 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:56.600 that were UM a little older than I am. I 0:11:56.679 --> 0:11:59.760 have to say since the show, I've had some flour 0:11:59.800 --> 0:12:02.720 takeeations with men that are younger than me. But I 0:12:02.760 --> 0:12:06.880 still think UM as much as I understand that every 0:12:06.920 --> 0:12:12.080 relationship looks different for me, I hate to say it, 0:12:12.120 --> 0:12:14.480 but I think I'm still looking for someone my age 0:12:14.679 --> 0:12:18.440 or a little bit older. UM. Maybe not the great 0:12:18.559 --> 0:12:21.640 age gaps that I dated in my twenties, having a 0:12:21.679 --> 0:12:24.680 thirteen year age gap I mean, wow, that's a lot. Yeah, 0:12:24.720 --> 0:12:28.320 that's a lot. Yeah. But I think now I'm just 0:12:28.360 --> 0:12:33.440 looking for someone that maybe it'sn't so much focused on age, 0:12:33.480 --> 0:12:37.040 but has similar experiences whether it comes to dating or 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:40.480 just life experiences where we're on the same um, in 0:12:40.520 --> 0:12:43.680 the same place as far as what we're looking for 0:12:43.880 --> 0:12:58.040 and in our focus on that and priorities around it help. 0:12:58.120 --> 0:13:00.400 I second dating, we how do you reach only on 0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:05.480 with Dean and Jared? And you said that during quarantine 0:13:05.920 --> 0:13:09.920 you dated someone, but ultimately you realize that if you 0:13:10.000 --> 0:13:16.240 weren't in quarantine, it probably wouldn't have happened. Um. And 0:13:16.280 --> 0:13:18.760 they after you got off, they were so curious and 0:13:18.840 --> 0:13:22.600 they were like, who is it? And they felt like, uh, 0:13:22.800 --> 0:13:26.120 it was someone possibly from the franchise? Was it? It 0:13:26.280 --> 0:13:29.760 was not someone from the Bachelor. Um, it was someone 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:35.280 that maybe people would recognize. But here's my thoughts on 0:13:35.400 --> 0:13:38.000 being public and social media and all that good stuff. 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:43.240 I've already shared way more about my life on television 0:13:43.280 --> 0:13:46.560 than I ever anticipated, and why I think it's great 0:13:46.600 --> 0:13:49.800 to celebrate love and relationships until I'm in a committed 0:13:49.920 --> 0:13:54.120 monogamous relationship with someone. Um, where I think, all right, 0:13:54.600 --> 0:13:59.040 we're in a good place. I have no desire to 0:13:59.160 --> 0:14:02.480 share that with the world because I'm sure anyone who 0:14:02.640 --> 0:14:05.360 follows anyone from this franchise you see a lot of 0:14:05.480 --> 0:14:09.479 critiques and criticisms, and when you start sharing your relationship, 0:14:09.640 --> 0:14:13.120 you're also opening it up to those same critiques. And 0:14:13.160 --> 0:14:14.800 I think you need to be in a really strong 0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:18.320 place in your relationship, at least for me personally, before 0:14:18.440 --> 0:14:21.400 I would ever share that. But no, he was not 0:14:21.520 --> 0:14:25.440 from The Bachelor. Um, But I just made a decision 0:14:25.520 --> 0:14:28.440 that until I'm in a committed relationship, I'm not going 0:14:28.480 --> 0:14:32.160 to divulge their privacy and open them up to those 0:14:32.160 --> 0:14:36.160 same criticisms that we receive. Relationships are hard enough without 0:14:36.160 --> 0:14:42.880 social media's opinion on on your partner, right, is there? 0:14:43.680 --> 0:14:46.000 If there's like one thing that you took away from 0:14:46.040 --> 0:14:48.640 your season on The Bachelor, like, what would you say 0:14:48.680 --> 0:14:53.160 that that was? It was probably something I didn't anticipate 0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:55.800 taking away. I kind of went into it thinking like 0:14:55.880 --> 0:14:59.880 this is the world's craziest blind date, and what I 0:15:00.040 --> 0:15:05.360 took from it is we all want love, right, And 0:15:05.440 --> 0:15:08.200 how much of my time have I really focused to 0:15:08.240 --> 0:15:11.160 the pursuit of that I was in? Like I said, 0:15:11.200 --> 0:15:14.320 pretty serious relationships in my early twenties, but then right 0:15:14.360 --> 0:15:18.200 before my thirtieth birthday, went through a breakup and decided, Okay, 0:15:18.480 --> 0:15:21.440 I've given my time, my money, my attention, my everything 0:15:21.480 --> 0:15:23.880 to these relationships, and now I want to focus on 0:15:23.960 --> 0:15:30.480 me and be quote unquote selfish. And it was kind 0:15:30.520 --> 0:15:32.600 of alarming to me when I was on the Bachelor 0:15:32.680 --> 0:15:38.080 of how little time I was actually prioritizing for what 0:15:38.200 --> 0:15:40.360 I felt like it's a huge priority of my life, 0:15:40.400 --> 0:15:43.760 which is finding a partner and trying to in my 0:15:43.840 --> 0:15:48.160 normal life kind of navigate those priorities. I didn't do 0:15:48.320 --> 0:15:50.920 very well. I was focused on work and business and 0:15:51.400 --> 0:15:54.800 things of that nature. So my biggest takeaway was when 0:15:54.800 --> 0:15:59.000 you are really wanting something in your life, you have 0:15:59.160 --> 0:16:02.160 to set aside the time to dedicate to it. Because 0:16:02.200 --> 0:16:03.960 we all say we want love and to find that, 0:16:04.080 --> 0:16:07.400 you know, happily ever after, if you will. But so 0:16:07.520 --> 0:16:11.160 much of our life is full of distractions and things 0:16:11.160 --> 0:16:13.480 that we have to get done in our relationships with 0:16:13.560 --> 0:16:16.400 family and friends, that it really doesn't afford a whole 0:16:16.400 --> 0:16:19.240 lot of time unless you carve it out purposefully to 0:16:19.360 --> 0:16:26.120 finding your person. Do you is there anyone like in 0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:30.760 your family or friends that are kind of like a 0:16:30.800 --> 0:16:34.560 model for you, or something that or someone that you like, 0:16:34.880 --> 0:16:40.720 like your family's relationships like is that something that you 0:16:41.720 --> 0:16:46.160 value and like seek in a future partnership as well? 0:16:47.000 --> 0:16:51.320 One hundred percent I think in my life a huge 0:16:51.360 --> 0:16:54.160 turning point for me. Um. I talked a little bit 0:16:54.200 --> 0:16:56.280 about it on when I was on the Bachelor, but 0:16:56.360 --> 0:17:02.800 when my sister got sick, I found just this huge, 0:17:03.200 --> 0:17:06.720 huge takeaway from that experience was not only you know, 0:17:06.800 --> 0:17:10.639 grief and all of those things, but watching my dad 0:17:10.840 --> 0:17:13.240 and how he interacted with my mom during that time, 0:17:13.320 --> 0:17:16.959 and how her husband dealt with her. It took away 0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:20.359 just the desire to date someone who was, you know, 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:23.439 the good looking guy at the gym, to really wanting 0:17:23.560 --> 0:17:27.679 a partner in life because I had such strong male 0:17:27.760 --> 0:17:32.520 examples of what that looks like. Of when excuse my language, 0:17:32.520 --> 0:17:34.760 but when ship hits the fan and things are just 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:38.360 at their absolute worst, that not one of the men 0:17:38.480 --> 0:17:43.800 that I saw. My dad her husband complained once and 0:17:43.880 --> 0:17:48.439 it was immediately taking care and nurturing their partner, taking 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:52.800 away any ego. UM obviously experiencing their own feelings around it, 0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:55.880 but there was never a doubt of if those men 0:17:55.920 --> 0:17:58.760 were going to stand up for their partner and be there. 0:17:59.200 --> 0:18:03.000 And I realized in that moment watching that that I 0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:05.400 had dated a lot of men who I would question 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:08.800 if they would stick around in those very difficult times. 0:18:08.840 --> 0:18:12.320 It's easy when things are, you know, honeymoon phase and 0:18:12.320 --> 0:18:15.280 and it's light and area and it's candles and romance. 0:18:15.720 --> 0:18:19.159 But when life hands you a really difficult card, you 0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:23.080 want a person that is without question going to show 0:18:23.160 --> 0:18:25.880 up for you, because I know for myself I would 0:18:25.880 --> 0:18:29.400 do the same, but I had not seen it so 0:18:29.560 --> 0:18:33.359 tangibly until I watched how they dealt with what was 0:18:33.520 --> 0:18:37.679 a horrific time in our family history. And I just 0:18:37.720 --> 0:18:40.960 can't applaud them enough and honestly thanked them enough for 0:18:41.040 --> 0:18:44.200 that lesson that came from such an awful experience, but 0:18:44.320 --> 0:18:46.680 definitely taught me what to look for in the future 0:18:46.680 --> 0:18:53.080 when I'm entering relationships. That's huge, and I can relate 0:18:53.119 --> 0:18:58.000 to that because my mom recudainly passed away and um no, 0:18:58.160 --> 0:19:03.320 but I can relate to that grief and that that 0:19:03.480 --> 0:19:07.800 grief is so substantial and it's like a a level 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:11.399 of trauma that like you don't even have words to describe. 0:19:11.920 --> 0:19:15.720 So the fact that you had men to be that 0:19:15.840 --> 0:19:20.480 example of like what union looks like. I mean, that's incredible, 0:19:20.600 --> 0:19:24.280 and like I can imagine that that UM is like 0:19:24.320 --> 0:19:27.359 a standard that is like non negotiable at this point 0:19:27.520 --> 0:19:30.920 for you. No, I mean we talked about deal breakers 0:19:30.920 --> 0:19:33.879 early on in this episode, but I think that is 0:19:33.920 --> 0:19:38.640 the hugest part is My takeaway from that experience is truthfully, 0:19:39.200 --> 0:19:42.280 you want a partner. Yes, it's nice to hear all 0:19:42.320 --> 0:19:44.800 these stereotypical like I want a best friend in romance 0:19:44.840 --> 0:19:48.080 and you know, we watched the Notebook and think that 0:19:48.080 --> 0:19:52.080 that's how life should be. But in reality, I want 0:19:52.160 --> 0:19:56.119 someone that even in the most difficult times of our life, 0:19:56.160 --> 0:19:58.080 I will never have to question if they're going to 0:19:58.119 --> 0:20:01.160 be by my side trying to navigate through those And 0:20:01.200 --> 0:20:04.520 that is something that I have certainly said a standard 0:20:04.560 --> 0:20:07.600 for because I've seen that in the past. And I'm not, 0:20:07.640 --> 0:20:09.640 you know, trying to inflate my own ego when I've 0:20:09.680 --> 0:20:12.840 said this, but in the past relationships I've had, I've 0:20:12.880 --> 0:20:16.320 been that partner and have very rarely gotten that in 0:20:16.400 --> 0:20:21.040 return when something in my life was a struggle it um, 0:20:21.080 --> 0:20:23.159 I didn't have that partner that would stand beside me 0:20:23.200 --> 0:20:26.240 through it. Yeah, I was going to ask you about 0:20:26.240 --> 0:20:31.399 that because you've been vocal about UM, difficult things that 0:20:31.440 --> 0:20:36.840 you've been through in past relationships. UM. Do you feel that, um, 0:20:36.920 --> 0:20:40.520 it's been difficult to get into to be present in 0:20:40.600 --> 0:20:45.879 like healthy relationships or are you healed from those past traumas? 0:20:46.520 --> 0:20:51.080 How does that play a role in navigating the future relationships? 0:20:51.680 --> 0:20:54.560 You know, I wish that it didn't play as much 0:20:54.560 --> 0:20:56.520 of a role as it did. Um. I think we 0:20:56.600 --> 0:20:59.440 have this idea of Okay, it happened to get over 0:20:59.480 --> 0:21:03.280 at movement on? You don't that is not something that 0:21:03.320 --> 0:21:06.880 you move on from. There's going to be things that 0:21:06.920 --> 0:21:10.399 trigger I mean just silly things that you would never 0:21:10.600 --> 0:21:14.159 have anticipated that trigger certain painful moments in your life, 0:21:14.400 --> 0:21:17.760 and especially when you've gone through an abusive relationship like 0:21:17.800 --> 0:21:22.159 I've shared it is. It's something that I would like 0:21:22.240 --> 0:21:27.960 to believe isn't an obstacle in future dating relationships, but 0:21:28.080 --> 0:21:31.720 it absolutely is. There's times where maybe I'll get into 0:21:31.800 --> 0:21:35.520 an argument, which we all are going to argue in relationships, 0:21:35.560 --> 0:21:39.840 but maybe certain words or how it's delivered certainly bring 0:21:39.920 --> 0:21:44.280 me back. And that's something that isn't the responsibility of 0:21:44.320 --> 0:21:47.680 your partner because they didn't do anything wrong. You can't take, 0:21:47.880 --> 0:21:50.119 you know, all of your baggage and blame it on 0:21:50.160 --> 0:21:53.679 the next person. It's something that I will have to 0:21:55.040 --> 0:21:58.399 personally take accountability of, Hey, this is what happened to 0:21:58.440 --> 0:22:01.560 me in this moment, even though you are not the 0:22:01.600 --> 0:22:04.679 one that did this to me, it's triggering something from 0:22:04.760 --> 0:22:08.400 my past. So either take a break and come back 0:22:08.440 --> 0:22:11.960 to the situation um or just the acknowledgement of like, hey, 0:22:12.000 --> 0:22:15.520 I'm struggling right now, and that's a really vulnerable place 0:22:15.560 --> 0:22:18.800 to put yourself in. But I think it's so important because, 0:22:18.880 --> 0:22:21.159 like I said, we have this idea that you just 0:22:21.200 --> 0:22:24.080 get over things and move on and you know, be 0:22:24.160 --> 0:22:27.560 a bass girl, bass babe, whatever they say. But that's 0:22:27.600 --> 0:22:30.520 just not true. We all have gone through things in 0:22:30.560 --> 0:22:34.200 our lives and that have affected us and will continue 0:22:34.200 --> 0:22:36.760 to affect us in ways, like I said, that are unexpected. 0:22:37.240 --> 0:22:40.920 But it's just taking accountability for this is not that 0:22:41.040 --> 0:22:44.399 person's fault that I'm in a relationship with. Now. I 0:22:44.440 --> 0:22:47.040 need to own how I'm feeling in this moment and 0:22:47.119 --> 0:22:52.240 not make it about them. Wow. I needed to hear 0:22:52.320 --> 0:22:55.840 that because and I'll share later on my story, but 0:22:55.960 --> 0:22:59.200 I feel like I'm in that right now. UM. Not 0:23:00.080 --> 0:23:04.680 UM not being able to let go of past traumas 0:23:04.680 --> 0:23:09.320 and carry those into future relationships and be president then UM. 0:23:09.400 --> 0:23:13.760 So I'm excited to hear what our expert has to 0:23:13.800 --> 0:23:15.919 say and what you have to say, and maybe I 0:23:15.920 --> 0:23:18.919 can get some guidance because I'm sucking at dating and 0:23:18.960 --> 0:23:23.440 this is the spin off of UM, What a Girl Wants? 0:23:23.640 --> 0:23:31.760 So UM, on a lighter note, what are some embarrassing 0:23:31.840 --> 0:23:36.880 moments you've had dating? And UM, maybe maybe that you 0:23:36.960 --> 0:23:41.880 did or that the guy did embarrassing moments. I mean, 0:23:41.920 --> 0:23:47.760 how long is this podcast I have? I think I 0:23:47.840 --> 0:23:52.159 have to say probably, And this was not necessarily anything 0:23:52.200 --> 0:23:55.480 that I did. But trying to date after the show 0:23:56.080 --> 0:24:00.720 has been quite interesting, especially with men. And because I don't, 0:24:00.720 --> 0:24:02.400 you know, I'm not like Hi and Meleese, I'm from 0:24:02.400 --> 0:24:05.400 The Bachelor, do you know? Me? Hi, That's not how 0:24:05.440 --> 0:24:09.320 I approached things. But UM, I will never forget the 0:24:09.480 --> 0:24:12.719 first date I went on after the show, and I 0:24:12.760 --> 0:24:15.240 believe it was still airing at the time. I went 0:24:15.280 --> 0:24:17.840 out with a guy. I cannot seeing this guy's praises 0:24:18.000 --> 0:24:21.159 loud enough, but we wanted to keep it casual and 0:24:21.200 --> 0:24:23.919 we took his dog too. I think it was a 0:24:24.040 --> 0:24:27.199 rugby match, which I had never been to before, and 0:24:27.240 --> 0:24:30.320