WEBVTT - Ready To Ditch Your Husband? Listen To This First! 0:00:15.600 --> 0:00:19.160 Hi guys, it's I Do Part two. I'm back your 0:00:19.160 --> 0:00:24.599 celebrity mentor Jenniferfessler and Vatentime's day is around the corner. 0:00:25.200 --> 0:00:29.240 And some of you may hate your husband's guts. If 0:00:29.280 --> 0:00:32.960 that's the case, this is the episode for you. We 0:00:33.040 --> 0:00:38.040 are bringing an incredible divorce attorney. Her name is Marilyn 0:00:38.120 --> 0:00:41.000 Chinitz and she's been working in the field for over 0:00:41.040 --> 0:00:43.080 thirty five years. You may have seen her on the 0:00:43.080 --> 0:00:47.080 Today Show on twenty twenty. She's a celebrity divorce attorney. 0:00:47.760 --> 0:00:50.879 Marilynd This is I Do Part two. But some of 0:00:50.880 --> 0:00:54.040 our listeners might be contemplating divorce, and I want to 0:00:54.040 --> 0:00:57.520 pick your brain about the gray divorce or the silver divorce. 0:00:58.120 --> 0:01:00.840 Why is a divorce attorney? Are we seeing more and 0:01:00.840 --> 0:01:03.720 more couples divorcing when they are fifty five plus? 0:01:03.920 --> 0:01:10.120 Okay, so gray divorce really unfortunate. I married forty years 0:01:10.760 --> 0:01:15.440 and when your life really kind of takes hold and 0:01:15.480 --> 0:01:19.080 it's really sad when it comes to an ending, like 0:01:19.160 --> 0:01:23.319 the rug comes out and a lot of particularly women, 0:01:23.520 --> 0:01:28.360 were not expecting it. So divorce doesn't really happen boom 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:32.199 all at once. It kind of dies a death over 0:01:32.240 --> 0:01:36.240 a period of time and what contributes to that lack 0:01:36.280 --> 0:01:42.759 of interest. You no longer communicate. You are living parallel lives, 0:01:43.200 --> 0:01:46.040 and it doesn't just happen at once. It really does 0:01:46.120 --> 0:01:49.480 take time. And then all of a sudden, someone wakes 0:01:49.560 --> 0:01:51.680 up and they said, you know what, I've got my 0:01:51.960 --> 0:01:56.960 last trunch, I've got another twenty years. I'm miserably unhappy. 0:01:57.040 --> 0:01:59.600 I don't want to stay that way, yea, and so 0:01:59.640 --> 0:02:04.640 I want to make changes. I feel like I'm doing 0:02:04.680 --> 0:02:08.640 this forty one years. Divorce really is not necessarily an ending. 0:02:08.720 --> 0:02:11.880 I think it could be an edit. A lot mean 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:12.399 by that. 0:02:14.400 --> 0:02:18.000 If a marriage is dead and you too are miserable, 0:02:18.680 --> 0:02:22.040 and even though you haven't planned for it, it does 0:02:22.160 --> 0:02:25.960 offer you an opportunity to kind of reconnect with yourself. 0:02:26.000 --> 0:02:29.000 There are so many things that happen that I see. 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:32.799 I do a luncheon every year for sixty women. I've 0:02:32.800 --> 0:02:36.639 been doing it literally for probably about twenty years. And 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:40.080 they get there at twelve, they leave at five, and 0:02:40.240 --> 0:02:43.320 last year I did it at a wonderful restaurant downtown. 0:02:43.480 --> 0:02:47.720 And the purpose of that their former clients, their current clients, 0:02:48.120 --> 0:02:53.200 their presidents of major company plastic surgeons, decorators. But It 0:02:53.240 --> 0:02:56.560 gives them an opportunity to meet each other and to 0:02:56.720 --> 0:03:01.440 see that there is really life. You can recreate yourself 0:03:01.480 --> 0:03:03.480 in so many different ways. And that's why I said 0:03:03.520 --> 0:03:05.560 I'd love to turn the table around and to interview 0:03:05.600 --> 0:03:08.880 you because I look at you and you have a 0:03:08.960 --> 0:03:10.000 career in fashion. 0:03:10.120 --> 0:03:12.440 In two you have a career in TV. 0:03:13.360 --> 0:03:17.320 So to me, I think there's nothing better than that recreating. 0:03:17.400 --> 0:03:21.079 So I'm seventy now next month, and I'm thinking about 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:24.320 not retiring because I'm not interested in doing that. But 0:03:24.360 --> 0:03:27.360 how do I recreate myself? How do I do often 0:03:27.440 --> 0:03:28.280 different things? 0:03:28.760 --> 0:03:35.600 Well, first and most importantly, wow, seventy. On another episode, 0:03:35.720 --> 0:03:38.800 you will tell us how one does that, because seventy 0:03:38.880 --> 0:03:43.480 looks unbelievable on you, lady, that is crazy. Thank you, 0:03:43.480 --> 0:03:47.360 You're very welcome. Tell yeah, it shows. 0:03:47.240 --> 0:03:51.240 Both professionals too adorable grandchildren. Wow. 0:03:51.480 --> 0:03:54.440 Okay, Well, we're going to have to bring you back 0:03:54.640 --> 0:03:56.000 so you can help us get there. 0:03:56.240 --> 0:03:56.880 Ready to come. 0:03:57.280 --> 0:03:59.920 So I think Horse is sad for a lot of 0:04:00.200 --> 0:04:01.880 reasons because. 0:04:03.440 --> 0:04:04.440 You really think that. 0:04:04.360 --> 0:04:06.640 The retirement years of the time that you're going to 0:04:06.760 --> 0:04:10.800 enjoy the wealth. Number One you created, right, You've built 0:04:11.240 --> 0:04:15.600 such a significant marital estate or a marital estate doesn't 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:19.200 have to be significant. And you expected that you were 0:04:19.279 --> 0:04:22.839 perhaps going to retire, you were going to travel, you 0:04:22.880 --> 0:04:25.760 were going to buy something or explore things, and all 0:04:25.760 --> 0:04:29.640 of a sudden you find that you're alone and hard. 0:04:30.160 --> 0:04:30.599 That's hard. 0:04:30.640 --> 0:04:34.360 But I also think marriage takes a lot of work, 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:38.320 and we do it in our everyday lives. We work hard. 0:04:38.760 --> 0:04:41.120 I work hard as a lawyer. You work hard in 0:04:41.200 --> 0:04:44.760 everything that you do. It does take a lot of work, 0:04:44.960 --> 0:04:47.920 and you've got to That's that time. You can't wake 0:04:48.000 --> 0:04:50.159 up all of a sudden say, oh boy, you know, 0:04:50.279 --> 0:04:52.320 all these years passed and now I'm miserable. 0:04:53.200 --> 0:04:54.680 If you were miserable. 0:04:54.640 --> 0:04:58.000 Long, then you've got to You've got to take hold 0:04:58.040 --> 0:04:59.520 of what's going on in term. 0:05:00.440 --> 0:05:04.279 I love how you're talking about that, that reinvention. It's true. 0:05:03.880 --> 0:05:06.440 I I you know my shoe company. I started a 0:05:06.440 --> 0:05:09.839 shoe company at fifty. I got on Housewives at fifty 0:05:09.920 --> 0:05:15.400 three and never felt more excited or happier about a career. Right, 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:16.239 I'm fifty seven. 0:05:16.520 --> 0:05:19.880 Now, yay, you're gorgeous. That's you're gorgeous. 0:05:19.920 --> 0:05:21.120 Well, thank you, thank you. 0:05:21.279 --> 0:05:22.400 Just keep doing this all day. 0:05:22.480 --> 0:05:27.680 Yes, exactly. Mutual admiration society. Well, but the thing is 0:05:28.680 --> 0:05:31.760 for me, well, I don't know it was. I'm married, 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:35.760 and I had that support when I started to reinvent myself, 0:05:35.880 --> 0:05:41.240 you know, emotional, mental, and financial. But women, i think, 0:05:41.720 --> 0:05:44.279 correct me if I'm wrong, probably have a harder time. 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:46.400 Only a lot of times they're not in the same 0:05:46.400 --> 0:05:51.240 place career wise, right, and so they don't have Reinventing 0:05:51.240 --> 0:05:55.200 themselves may mean reinventing themselves from being a mother and 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:57.440 a wife as opposed to you know, a lot of 0:05:57.440 --> 0:06:00.480 times that support system in place, right, But they it 0:06:00.520 --> 0:06:03.600 seems that more women are now you tell me, but 0:06:03.680 --> 0:06:06.599 are now interested in divorcing at a later age. 0:06:07.640 --> 0:06:09.880 They are for a lot of reasons. Some of them 0:06:09.880 --> 0:06:14.080 have been very, very controlling marriages and they feel like 0:06:14.120 --> 0:06:16.120 the oxygen has been taken out of them and they 0:06:16.120 --> 0:06:18.680 don't want to live like that anymore. And those are 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:22.400 women who have lived a very good life, and there's 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:25.040 a lot of money there, but they're always you know, 0:06:25.160 --> 0:06:27.039 doesn't always have to be that there's a lot of money. 0:06:27.120 --> 0:06:31.440 If you look at some people like Arianna Huffington, she 0:06:31.520 --> 0:06:36.040 had a terrible marriage, a terrible marriage and a terrible 0:06:36.080 --> 0:06:39.159 divorce and look how she recreated herself. 0:06:40.040 --> 0:06:43.960 Huffington Post was after that. Yeah, wow, I didn't know that. 0:06:43.960 --> 0:06:46.200 That's incredible, Diane. 0:06:45.839 --> 0:06:50.440 Von Furstenberg, Right, she was broke at age thirty and 0:06:50.480 --> 0:06:52.000 then built this empire. 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:52.760 Wow. 0:06:52.760 --> 0:06:56.279 So you know, there are really sad stories where people 0:06:56.320 --> 0:07:01.400 really don't have anything. I give those women women in particular, 0:07:01.839 --> 0:07:05.880 tremendous credit. And the service that I have to bring 0:07:05.920 --> 0:07:09.080 to my clients is to give them that empowerment. Hence 0:07:09.120 --> 0:07:09.760 that luncheon. 0:07:10.600 --> 0:07:13.240 Yeah, that's I love that. I would love to attend that. 0:07:13.760 --> 0:07:16.560 So in terms of the finances though, what how do 0:07:16.600 --> 0:07:19.560 you guide women financially? I know it's a big question, 0:07:20.520 --> 0:07:21.880 not how do you guide them, but like what are 0:07:21.880 --> 0:07:23.760 the mistakes do you tell them to look out for 0:07:24.000 --> 0:07:26.800 financially when they're preparing for divorce. 0:07:26.960 --> 0:07:30.560 I like to do programs for women before they get divorced, 0:07:31.200 --> 0:07:34.600 and it's usually younger women who come. You know, I 0:07:34.600 --> 0:07:37.240 may have done their pre nups and then we have 0:07:38.000 --> 0:07:42.200 these really good lunch and learn and you want to 0:07:42.200 --> 0:07:46.520 be in the know. A lot of women stay totally 0:07:46.560 --> 0:07:50.080 remove from the finances. The biggest mistake you can make, right, 0:07:50.440 --> 0:07:52.960 you want to be in the know. You're asked to 0:07:53.000 --> 0:07:54.440 sign a joint tax return. 0:07:54.640 --> 0:07:57.040 Look at the tax return, make a copy of it. 0:07:57.680 --> 0:08:00.520 You'll sign it, maybe I'm sure, but you want to 0:08:00.520 --> 0:08:02.800 look at it afterwards. Hey, I didn't know. What's that 0:08:02.960 --> 0:08:07.760 taxable interest? What's that deduction? You've you've got a good 0:08:07.760 --> 0:08:11.640 group of professionals around you. You can have your own 0:08:11.680 --> 0:08:14.920 account and you can have your own financial person. And 0:08:14.960 --> 0:08:17.520 so you want to look at your credit card statements? 0:08:17.920 --> 0:08:18.440 What do I do? 0:08:18.680 --> 0:08:20.440 How much so I spend every month? What am I 0:08:20.480 --> 0:08:21.920 spending on? What are you spending on? 0:08:22.680 --> 0:08:25.360 You want to look at what assets do we have. 0:08:25.640 --> 0:08:28.760 We have this magnificent home in the Hamptons. We paid 0:08:28.880 --> 0:08:32.520 twenty million for it. But the real key question is 0:08:32.559 --> 0:08:36.240 how much is my mortgage? Is my mortgage fifteen million? 0:08:36.600 --> 0:08:39.960 So I only have equity of five million. You don't 0:08:39.960 --> 0:08:43.880 want to wake up years later and my god, that's 0:08:43.920 --> 0:08:46.520 like a time bomb, that's like, oh my god. 0:08:46.320 --> 0:08:47.120 What happened? 0:08:47.360 --> 0:08:47.640 Right? 0:08:48.160 --> 0:08:50.960 Don't put yourself in that position. You need to be 0:08:51.040 --> 0:08:54.280 in the know all along. And why shouldn't you Why 0:08:54.280 --> 0:08:57.760 shouldn't you be the partner that this person married. And 0:08:57.800 --> 0:09:01.040 I don't want to focus on women, but very often 0:09:01.240 --> 0:09:05.800 it is the woman sure, she's busy. If she's not working, 0:09:05.840 --> 0:09:08.240 she is working, she's raising a family. 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:11.840 It's me, listen, I am guilty of it. I not 0:09:11.880 --> 0:09:14.640 as much anymore, and I'm on the meetings we have 0:09:14.800 --> 0:09:18.640 with our finance guide. But it's very easy for me 0:09:18.720 --> 0:09:20.760 to sort of bury my head in the hand because 0:09:21.520 --> 0:09:26.200 numbers and taxes and you know, pensions and all of 0:09:26.200 --> 0:09:29.880 that is very uninteresting to me. And shame on me 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:31.600 because it's my life. 0:09:32.120 --> 0:09:32.960 We all do it. 0:09:33.200 --> 0:09:34.559 Yeah, yeah, it's hard for you. 0:09:35.040 --> 0:09:36.280 I have a CD coming. 0:09:36.320 --> 0:09:38.920 My husband will call me. We have a CD. Let's 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:40.880 do now, what do you want to do? Well, he's 0:09:40.960 --> 0:09:42.520 learned to ask me, what do you want to do? 0:09:42.559 --> 0:09:43.200 Oh? I love that. 0:09:43.520 --> 0:09:46.280 But you have to be aware of things, so that 0:09:46.360 --> 0:09:47.960 to me is one of the important things. 0:09:48.120 --> 0:09:48.320 Right. 0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:52.760 I like the idea of befriending, you know, a financial person, 0:09:54.400 --> 0:09:57.920 even in a turney, I am a good friend. I 0:09:58.040 --> 0:10:01.439 like the idea of empowering yourself, of course with knowledge, right, 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:04.200 so you don't wake up one day and that the 0:10:04.200 --> 0:10:06.760 blanket is taken off and there you are. 0:10:07.080 --> 0:10:09.320 I've had lots of friends that have gone through that. 0:10:09.480 --> 0:10:13.160 And also I'm curious about if you have a prenup, 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:16.120 and I have many friends that also have a prenup. 0:10:17.760 --> 0:10:20.600 How do you handle that so that you are taking 0:10:20.600 --> 0:10:23.280 care of so, in other words, do you update it 0:10:23.360 --> 0:10:24.319 every few years? 0:10:24.720 --> 0:10:27.080 This is a good question, that's a really good question. 0:10:27.800 --> 0:10:31.520 Most people never look at that pre nup after its signed, 0:10:31.679 --> 0:10:33.680 and that is such a mistake. So I'll give you 0:10:34.080 --> 0:10:38.000 an example. I have a client. At the time that 0:10:38.080 --> 0:10:42.480 she signed her pre nup, the husband was worth one 0:10:42.559 --> 0:10:47.120 hundred million under the terms of the prenup. Very unfair. 0:10:47.840 --> 0:10:53.160 She got ten million as a distributed payment. By the 0:10:53.200 --> 0:10:57.520 time they're getting divorced, now he's worth seven hundred million. 0:10:57.800 --> 0:11:02.080 Oh my god, she's adding ten million. But that almost 0:11:02.080 --> 0:11:06.800 sounds unconscionable. She never looked at the prina. She never 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:11.240 ever discussed, Hey, we're buying all these properties, how come 0:11:11.280 --> 0:11:13.520 they're in your name only? Why can't we put it 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:15.800 in joint names. 0:11:15.840 --> 0:11:16.520 Wow. 0:11:17.480 --> 0:11:21.600 So now we have a situation where she's got a 0:11:21.679 --> 0:11:27.040 very unfair prena. He knows it. So we're negotiating, but 0:11:27.600 --> 0:11:28.719 not to where she. 0:11:28.800 --> 0:11:29.400 Needs to be. 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:32.920 That what a cautionary tale. Not I mean ten million dollars. 0:11:32.960 --> 0:11:34.760 A lot of most people would think that's. 0:11:34.800 --> 0:11:39.080 Well right, and right, but a judge, and so if 0:11:39.160 --> 0:11:42.520 you go into court and you say your honor, it's unconscionable. 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:45.040 This judge is probably doesn't have anyone. 0:11:44.840 --> 0:11:50.440 Appreciated in value because partly of her efforts, and the 0:11:50.480 --> 0:11:52.080 court's going to say, well, how about is she getting 0:11:52.920 --> 0:11:54.920 well under the agreement ten million? 0:11:54.960 --> 0:11:58.160 But that's unconscionable, of course, But he's a crime a river. 0:11:58.640 --> 0:12:01.880 Crime a river two hundred and I have four kids 0:12:01.880 --> 0:12:03.720 and my wife manages very well. 0:12:03.920 --> 0:12:05.359 Right, it's one realistic. 0:12:15.840 --> 0:12:19.839 So now you're five, ten, twenty years into the marriage, 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:22.760 I would think that it's if the marriage is getting rocky, 0:12:22.800 --> 0:12:25.960 it's harder to convince your partner to renegotiate. 0:12:26.000 --> 0:12:27.240 But don't wait that long. 0:12:27.480 --> 0:12:30.959 So I just did a post not they're happily married, 0:12:31.880 --> 0:12:35.000 and she was smart. She pulled up the prenup and 0:12:35.040 --> 0:12:39.920 she said, look, this isn't fair. Yeah, seven properties, not 0:12:40.040 --> 0:12:40.439 one is. 0:12:40.400 --> 0:12:41.080 In my name. 0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:44.120 And he said, you know what, You're absolutely right. So 0:12:44.480 --> 0:12:48.920 now renegotiated everything. She's set now for ten lives. 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:51.960 Wow, that's what you have to do. You have to 0:12:51.960 --> 0:12:54.440 be in the know, you have to be knowledgeable, and 0:12:54.480 --> 0:12:57.080 you have to care enough about yourself to make that inquiry. 0:12:57.360 --> 0:12:59.920 Such good advice. I hope our listeners are taking notes. 0:13:00.080 --> 0:13:03.000 So I think it's that's it's great advice. How often, though, 0:13:03.720 --> 0:13:07.199 do you see couples reconcile just out of curiosity, because 0:13:07.760 --> 0:13:10.080 like during the divorce process, Because that's what happened to me. 0:13:10.200 --> 0:13:13.800 I was separated, Yeah, for like a year and a half, 0:13:14.080 --> 0:13:17.959 and I had a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend. We 0:13:17.960 --> 0:13:20.880 were moving on. We had had infidelity in our marriage, 0:13:21.360 --> 0:13:26.400 and we just for whatever reason, it just we neither 0:13:26.400 --> 0:13:29.400 one of us wanted really to be for whatever reason, 0:13:29.440 --> 0:13:30.560 because we love each other. 0:13:30.600 --> 0:13:32.840 And I think that's a great story. 0:13:32.960 --> 0:13:35.319 I really thank you. I mean I used to I 0:13:35.400 --> 0:13:37.040 used to say, well, I do say that, like I 0:13:37.120 --> 0:13:39.680 used to cheat on my boyfriend and meet my husband 0:13:40.240 --> 0:13:43.800 right right like like and it was so ridiculous. 0:13:43.960 --> 0:13:44.960 Does it happen often? 0:13:45.040 --> 0:13:46.079 Do you find that, you know. 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:47.200 What doesn't happen? 0:13:47.480 --> 0:13:49.320 It doesn't is very rarely. 0:13:49.720 --> 0:13:54.560 Yeah, and unfortunately because so much damage is done and 0:13:54.600 --> 0:13:57.640 there's a lack of communication. So you loved your husband, 0:13:57.679 --> 0:14:01.400 he loved you. Yeah, just a circumstance answers presented itself 0:14:01.480 --> 0:14:05.199 that drove that way. You know, it was unfortunate. 0:14:05.400 --> 0:14:07.319 Yeah, you know what I think, Marylyn, it was a 0:14:07.360 --> 0:14:10.240 little it was a little fortunate our marriage changed after 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:10.920 that separation. 0:14:11.120 --> 0:14:12.160 Well, of course it's both. 0:14:12.360 --> 0:14:16.079 Yeah, yeah, And you know sometimes listen forty years of marriage, 0:14:16.240 --> 0:14:19.120 it's not like, oh my god, it's wonderful, right, It's 0:14:19.400 --> 0:14:20.640 really rocky moments. 0:14:20.800 --> 0:14:24.400 Sure, And there are moments where you're screaming and yelling. 0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:28.160 There are moments where you're you know, you're living apart 0:14:28.280 --> 0:14:30.240 from each other, whether it's a month or a week 0:14:30.400 --> 0:14:34.239 or whatever. You've got to recalibrate, You've got to restart. 0:14:34.680 --> 0:14:37.240 Yeah, do you think that that when I you say 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:39.760 that you have to live apart? You of course have 0:14:39.840 --> 0:14:43.400 part of the sleep divorce, where couples stop sleeping in 0:14:43.920 --> 0:14:46.480 I guess the same room. Is that a good thing? 0:14:46.520 --> 0:14:48.920 I think that's like a hop, skip jump away from them. 0:14:48.960 --> 0:14:50.120 I don't think it's sad at all. 0:14:50.480 --> 0:14:50.720 Yeah. 0:14:51.240 --> 0:14:54.640 And you know, I live in Connecticut, but I could 0:14:54.760 --> 0:14:57.200 no longer do the commute back and forth. And I 0:14:57.280 --> 0:15:00.200 said to my husband, I love you, our kids not 0:15:00.320 --> 0:15:02.400 out of the house, but I can't do this anymore. 0:15:02.760 --> 0:15:05.040 Eleven o'clock at night, I'm getting off the train with 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:09.080 my suitcase, my briefcase, not for me. So I a 0:15:09.120 --> 0:15:12.920 little studio in the city and I walk to work, 0:15:13.440 --> 0:15:17.000 he comes in, we go to the theater. That separation 0:15:17.960 --> 0:15:18.680 is great. 0:15:19.120 --> 0:15:19.800 I agree. 0:15:19.880 --> 0:15:23.200 I love that because we don't see them separate rooms. 0:15:23.240 --> 0:15:26.760 My husband is constantly traveling. I travel a lot. When 0:15:26.840 --> 0:15:29.400 he's he doesn't. He goes into the office. But even 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:32.760 when he's home, he's in his home office. We're not 0:15:33.000 --> 0:15:36.000 on top of each other. And I think that that 0:15:36.160 --> 0:15:38.440 has been so hosting. 0:15:38.880 --> 0:15:41.680 Yeah, and you know what it is, you feel secure 0:15:41.760 --> 0:15:44.480 in your marriage. If you feel secure in your marriage, 0:15:44.520 --> 0:15:50.000 you don't get all upset. And having that space, in 0:15:50.120 --> 0:15:53.000 my view, should be encouraged. My husband would take trips 0:15:53.040 --> 0:15:55.880 with his friends. He's born in Sweden. They do these 0:15:56.000 --> 0:15:57.720 wonderful ski trips. 0:15:57.800 --> 0:16:01.160 They used to do with a group of friends. That's great. 0:16:01.400 --> 0:16:04.520 I bike with a group of judges and matrimonial lawyers. 0:16:04.600 --> 0:16:08.680 We have gone to Italy, We've gone to Czech Republic, Germany, Austria. 0:16:09.040 --> 0:16:09.880 Wow week. 0:16:10.720 --> 0:16:15.560 And you want your partner to feel stimulated, that you 0:16:15.640 --> 0:16:17.960 want them to be happy for you, that you're happy 0:16:18.160 --> 0:16:21.600 and that you and I think that's you know, that's important. 0:16:22.040 --> 0:16:24.720 I think that well, that sort of answers that the 0:16:24.880 --> 0:16:27.240 question I have. You know, living in what is it 0:16:27.280 --> 0:16:30.960 called living apart together l A T couples or something? 0:16:31.400 --> 0:16:35.360 You live in different states like some celebrities do that. Yeah, 0:16:35.360 --> 0:16:37.320 you don't think that, you think that's a bit that's a. 0:16:37.320 --> 0:16:39.680 Little although I am because I'm in New York, he's 0:16:39.680 --> 0:16:40.280 in Connecticut. 0:16:40.680 --> 0:16:41.520 But that's. 0:16:43.880 --> 0:16:46.200 You don't want to have too much distance, you know, 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:49.560 you want to have just enough that you are independent, 0:16:49.720 --> 0:16:53.840 and you can. If you're independent in your marriage but 0:16:54.040 --> 0:16:56.480 dependent on each other's love, you're going to have a 0:16:56.560 --> 0:16:57.120 good marriage. 0:16:57.160 --> 0:16:59.480 I mean, yeah, yeah, I feel like that. I mean, 0:16:59.520 --> 0:17:01.920 I I The truth is I don't make the kind 0:17:01.920 --> 0:17:05.080 of money that my husband makes. The money I'm bringing 0:17:05.119 --> 0:17:07.600 in it's good, especially for someone who started a career 0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:09.879 later in life, but it doesn't pay our mortgages. 0:17:10.240 --> 0:17:15.200 It gives you independence, yes, exactly, and I'm just really 0:17:15.320 --> 0:17:16.800 appreciates and it does. 0:17:17.640 --> 0:17:21.200 Yes, he does. It's true. Tell me something that you 0:17:21.280 --> 0:17:25.240 think people assume about divorce, that's that's not true. 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:29.200 That it's the ending that I'm never going to find somebody. 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:31.439 This is a miserable way for me to. 0:17:31.560 --> 0:17:34.960 End my life. And I think that is the biggest 0:17:34.960 --> 0:17:35.680 bunch of crap. 0:17:36.040 --> 0:17:36.240 Yeah. 0:17:36.280 --> 0:17:36.720 I love that. 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:38.920 It really doesn't have to be right. 0:17:39.240 --> 0:17:41.720 No, And I say, it's not an ending, it's an edit, 0:17:42.480 --> 0:17:45.639 and you've got to learn. People have to learn how 0:17:45.720 --> 0:17:48.800 to pivot. You know, we're very blessed. I say thank 0:17:48.840 --> 0:17:52.560 you God every day I'm telling the children are helping 0:17:52.640 --> 0:17:53.600 my grandchildren. 0:17:53.800 --> 0:17:57.520 I work, I make money. Every day is a blessing. 0:17:58.240 --> 0:18:03.320 And if you have that attitude, then you also say, Okay, 0:18:03.920 --> 0:18:06.879 I'm a big believer in having a notebook. I write 0:18:06.920 --> 0:18:09.600 down things that I've got to get done, and I 0:18:09.800 --> 0:18:12.359 encourage clients to do that because they get lost in 0:18:12.440 --> 0:18:16.720 their depression. Write take your book, write down five things 0:18:16.760 --> 0:18:20.360 you want to get done this week, and the satisfaction 0:18:20.520 --> 0:18:24.360 of crossing off the things that you accomplished are great. Yeah. 0:18:25.080 --> 0:18:28.040 Step yeah, well another step yeah. 0:18:28.480 --> 0:18:31.840 In terms of writing things down and being prepared, what 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:36.160 advice do you give women before they head into your office? Right, 0:18:36.720 --> 0:18:39.320 what would you say that they need to get together? 0:18:39.960 --> 0:18:43.040 You know, have at their fingertips before sitting down with you. 0:18:43.520 --> 0:18:46.359 So when I said be in the know, yeah, you 0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:50.879 need to get all the financial information you can get 0:18:50.920 --> 0:18:54.480 your hands on. One of the most revealing things, you know, 0:18:54.560 --> 0:18:56.760 nobody's going to go through years of taxi turns or 0:18:56.840 --> 0:19:00.240 years to credit cards. Did you and your husband get 0:19:00.240 --> 0:19:03.439 a mortgage recently? Did you refinance a mortgage recently? Did 0:19:03.520 --> 0:19:07.520 you buy some car recently? Because if you did and 0:19:07.640 --> 0:19:11.280 you got financing, you put on that financial statement your 0:19:11.359 --> 0:19:16.080 assets and your income right information right, because usually people 0:19:16.240 --> 0:19:18.440 augment that. They don't minimize it because they want to 0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:18.960 get the loan. 0:19:19.760 --> 0:19:20.760 But it's a great. 0:19:22.119 --> 0:19:26.680 Way to find out information, you know, nicely innocently. Also, 0:19:27.240 --> 0:19:29.760 go with your husband to a trust in the state attorney. 0:19:30.640 --> 0:19:32.960 You're entitled to know, how am I going to be protected? 0:19:33.040 --> 0:19:36.200 God forbid you die? How are the children and I 0:19:36.359 --> 0:19:40.800 going to be protected? And in that forum, it's not threatening, 0:19:40.920 --> 0:19:44.880 it's not a divorce. It's sharing of information. So there 0:19:44.960 --> 0:19:50.480 are different ways that you could get information without triggering 0:19:50.720 --> 0:19:51.639 an awareness that. 0:19:52.080 --> 0:19:55.680 Right, right, Yeah, that's it, And I would think also 0:19:55.800 --> 0:19:58.560 it once you get into the attorney's office, listen, the 0:19:58.640 --> 0:20:02.920 clock is running, and maybe if you're prepped, if you know, 0:20:04.000 --> 0:20:05.960 the attorney says we need this, we need this, I 0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:08.720 have it, not that I. 0:20:08.840 --> 0:20:12.359 Always you know when a client walks in and says, look, 0:20:13.200 --> 0:20:16.560 this is what my husband does. He's a hedge fund manager. 0:20:17.400 --> 0:20:21.359 Here are the assets, list them out in a balance sheet. 0:20:22.040 --> 0:20:25.200 It's great because I have a baseline that we can 0:20:25.280 --> 0:20:28.280 start from. But there are a lot of clients who 0:20:28.359 --> 0:20:31.720 come in and say, I have no idea, right, I 0:20:31.800 --> 0:20:35.439 don't even have my own bank account, my own bank account. 0:20:35.520 --> 0:20:38.359 What I have is access to a credit card. I 0:20:38.359 --> 0:20:41.560 can spend two hundred thousand a month. Yeah wow, but 0:20:41.800 --> 0:20:48.080 not one bank account, no assets in their name. Totally vulnerable. 0:20:48.640 --> 0:20:53.440 And that's why I said, before you ever ever talk 0:20:53.480 --> 0:20:57.399 about divorce, talk about what you know. Here's what I know. 0:20:58.240 --> 0:21:00.359 I know I have a c date, but this I know. 0:21:00.440 --> 0:21:02.760 We have a retirement accounts, I know the value of 0:21:02.840 --> 0:21:03.320 my house. 0:21:03.480 --> 0:21:06.640 I found out that the mortgagees is why because every 0:21:06.680 --> 0:21:10.200 time the mail comes in, I open it, I screenshot it. 0:21:11.280 --> 0:21:14.639 Nobody questions me because why it's mail that comes to 0:21:14.720 --> 0:21:17.879 both of us. Yeah. And you can do all of 0:21:17.960 --> 0:21:21.959 these things not because you're preparing for divorce, but because 0:21:22.000 --> 0:21:24.000 you are a partner entitled. 0:21:23.840 --> 0:21:25.040 To that information. 0:21:25.200 --> 0:21:27.760 Yeah right, I mean that makes sense if you have 0:21:27.880 --> 0:21:32.600 a business, you were running a business, and would you 0:21:32.720 --> 0:21:35.040 not open the mail and see what's going on, to 0:21:35.119 --> 0:21:37.879 see if the bills were paid? To see what credit 0:21:38.000 --> 0:21:42.480