WEBVTT - Dump Your Inner Drill Sergeant 0:00:15.436 --> 0:00:25.036 Pushkin. Hello, Happiness Lab listeners, and welcome to twenty twenty one. 0:00:25.916 --> 0:00:28.316 If you're like me, you're probably hoping that the next 0:00:28.356 --> 0:00:30.476 twelve months will be a lot better than the year 0:00:30.516 --> 0:00:33.876 we just had. You may even be considering changes you 0:00:33.876 --> 0:00:36.276 can make in your own life, and of course you're 0:00:36.316 --> 0:00:39.116 not alone. Lots of people will be adopting New Year's 0:00:39.156 --> 0:00:42.436 resolutions this January to alter the way they look, think, 0:00:42.476 --> 0:00:45.956 and behave now. Don't get me wrong, I think making 0:00:46.036 --> 0:00:48.596 changes in our lives, especially at fresh start moments like 0:00:48.636 --> 0:00:51.716 the New Year, is a great idea. The problem is, 0:00:51.876 --> 0:00:54.476 if we're not careful, our lying minds may wind up 0:00:54.556 --> 0:00:57.116 leading us off in the wrong direction, telling us to 0:00:57.156 --> 0:00:59.196 do things that will make us less happy than we think. 0:00:59.636 --> 0:01:02.436 We're picking strategies that will make us lose morale and 0:01:02.556 --> 0:01:08.276 give up before we even get started. The big temptation 0:01:08.356 --> 0:01:10.716 at this time of year is to be really hard 0:01:10.756 --> 0:01:14.356 on yourself, to ruthlessly identify all the faults of your past, 0:01:14.716 --> 0:01:16.756 to set the bar super high for what you want 0:01:16.756 --> 0:01:19.916 to achieve, and to set out on some surprisingly punishing 0:01:19.916 --> 0:01:22.956 regimes in order to reach your goals. I know this 0:01:23.036 --> 0:01:26.036 temptation well. I fall for all the time, but the 0:01:26.116 --> 0:01:30.516 science just doesn't back it up. Strict diets, brutal exercise plans, 0:01:30.556 --> 0:01:32.956 and going cold turkey on the personal habits you want 0:01:32.956 --> 0:01:37.116 to shed. These strategies just don't work. But there is 0:01:37.156 --> 0:01:40.836 good news because the psychological research points to a more 0:01:40.836 --> 0:01:44.516 effective path. Over the next four episodes of this special season, 0:01:45.076 --> 0:01:47.516 I'll explain why the secret to fulfilling all your New 0:01:47.556 --> 0:01:52.476 Year's goals is simply to be nicer to ourselves. If 0:01:52.516 --> 0:01:54.876 you're ready to learn more and kick those bad habits 0:01:54.876 --> 0:01:58.396 through kindness, then join me. Doctor Laurie Santos as the 0:01:58.396 --> 0:02:02.276 Happiness Lab presents our mini season on smartest strategies for 0:02:02.356 --> 0:02:10.396 achieving your New Year's goals. If I constantly told you 0:02:10.436 --> 0:02:13.636 that you are lazy, stupid, and unfit, that you weren't 0:02:13.636 --> 0:02:15.396 really good at your job, and that your house was 0:02:15.396 --> 0:02:19.156 a terrible mess, you'd probably switch off this podcast. But 0:02:19.236 --> 0:02:21.516 when the new year comes around, many of us create 0:02:21.596 --> 0:02:25.556 even worse mentalists cataloging how much we suck. It's as 0:02:25.556 --> 0:02:28.436 though our inner monologus get taken over by some cruel 0:02:28.516 --> 0:02:32.756 drill sergeant who yells at us about our faults and 0:02:32.796 --> 0:02:36.316 past mistakes. We call ourselves names and start hurling these 0:02:36.316 --> 0:02:43.396 awful insults. You're dumb, you're greedy, you're weak. We all 0:02:43.396 --> 0:02:46.796 know this bootcamp brutality doesn't feel good, but we think 0:02:46.796 --> 0:02:48.556 that it's what we need to do in order to 0:02:48.636 --> 0:02:52.316 break our bad habits and get motivated. But we're wrong. 0:02:52.756 --> 0:02:56.156 All this self flagellation is just self defeating. That's the 0:02:56.196 --> 0:02:58.516 big message that comes from the lovely work of today's 0:02:58.556 --> 0:03:03.076 guest author and psychologist Kristin Neff Okay, is that good? Yep, 0:03:03.156 --> 0:03:05.116 I can hear you fine, and then the sound quality 0:03:05.156 --> 0:03:08.796 sounds great. So wait, that's not working. Let's see. Kristen, 0:03:08.876 --> 0:03:11.316 who is also an associate professor at the University of 0:03:11.356 --> 0:03:14.556 Texas at Austin, has identified a more effective way for 0:03:14.636 --> 0:03:16.996 people to meet their goals and one that makes us 0:03:17.036 --> 0:03:20.196 happier in the process. But like a lot of us, 0:03:20.476 --> 0:03:23.556 she still had to overcome the hostril sergeant inside her head. 0:03:24.076 --> 0:03:26.556 My life was a mess. I had just gotten through 0:03:26.556 --> 0:03:28.796 a divorce, and it was a very messy divorce, and 0:03:28.836 --> 0:03:31.556 I was feeling a lot of shame because of the 0:03:31.596 --> 0:03:34.676 way that the marriage ended. I was really beating myself up, 0:03:34.756 --> 0:03:36.956 hoping that it would make me a better person, that 0:03:37.036 --> 0:03:39.516 I would never make the same types of mistakes again. 0:03:39.796 --> 0:03:42.196 Talk about what that was doing to you. You mentioned 0:03:42.236 --> 0:03:44.196 this sort of the shame that you were going through. 0:03:44.436 --> 0:03:46.756 Kind of what it can do from a personal sense, right, 0:03:46.876 --> 0:03:51.036 So self criticism and shame and know they're slightly different, 0:03:51.036 --> 0:03:53.636 but they're very related. So self criticism is when we 0:03:53.716 --> 0:03:58.676 actively haranging ourselves or a cruel things were unkind to ourselves, 0:03:59.036 --> 0:04:01.956 and shame is kind of the end result of self criticism. 0:04:02.396 --> 0:04:06.156 Shame is a very hollowed out feeling where we identify 0:04:06.236 --> 0:04:09.676 as being a bad person, and so criticism can be 0:04:09.716 --> 0:04:13.956 aimed at our behavior or ourselves. Criticism of our behavior 0:04:14.036 --> 0:04:17.836 isn't actually necessarily a bad thing. So guilt, they find 0:04:17.956 --> 0:04:20.716 in psychological research, isn't necessarily a bad thing. If you 0:04:20.756 --> 0:04:23.356 feel guilty about something you've done, if you harm someone, 0:04:23.796 --> 0:04:26.516 being critical of what you did, it's actually healthy. Right. 0:04:26.756 --> 0:04:28.996 We don't want to pretend that everything we do is okay, 0:04:28.996 --> 0:04:31.396 because often it's not and it needs to change. But 0:04:31.516 --> 0:04:35.516 criticism aimed at ourselves. So believe that just because I 0:04:35.596 --> 0:04:38.076 made a mistake, you know, I am a mistake, I 0:04:38.116 --> 0:04:41.276 am bad. That's really not healthy at all because, first 0:04:41.316 --> 0:04:44.636 of all, it shuts down our awareness. When we feel shame, 0:04:44.676 --> 0:04:47.836 we kind of feel hollow. Sometimes we even dissociate from 0:04:47.836 --> 0:04:51.036 our bodies. We cut ourselves off from other people. It 0:04:51.036 --> 0:04:53.916 makes it a lot harder to apologize to others because 0:04:53.916 --> 0:04:56.156 we feel so full of shame. It makes it much 0:04:56.196 --> 0:04:58.916 more difficult to see the truth about what we've done 0:04:58.996 --> 0:05:01.116 because you know, we're just blinded by our shame. We 0:05:01.116 --> 0:05:04.036 can't even take it in. And it also takes away 0:05:04.036 --> 0:05:07.236 our energy and motivation to try to do better next time. 0:05:07.956 --> 0:05:10.316 It's like pulling the rug from underneath you when you 0:05:10.356 --> 0:05:14.436 feel shame. It's not a motivating mindset. It's actually debilitating mindset. 0:05:14.596 --> 0:05:17.036 What's so shocking about that, though, is that that kind 0:05:17.076 --> 0:05:20.476 of self criticism isn't uncommon, right, especially at this time 0:05:20.516 --> 0:05:21.956 of the year, in the New Year. I feel like 0:05:21.996 --> 0:05:25.316 there's so many people who think that motivating themselves to 0:05:25.356 --> 0:05:28.476 gain positive habits in the new year requires being this 0:05:28.556 --> 0:05:32.156 awful self critical drill sergeant. It almost like institute's shame 0:05:32.236 --> 0:05:34.796 rather than avoids it, right, right, And I think there 0:05:34.796 --> 0:05:37.316 are some reasons for this. I actually think some of 0:05:37.316 --> 0:05:42.076 it is physiological. So when we feel threatened and every 0:05:42.116 --> 0:05:44.156 time we make a mistake or we fail at something, 0:05:44.196 --> 0:05:47.716 we actually feel threatened, and so when we feel threatened, 0:05:47.796 --> 0:05:51.276 we going to fight flight or freeze response. When the 0:05:51.316 --> 0:05:54.076 problem is ourselves and then we've done some mistake we've made, 0:05:54.116 --> 0:05:56.996 we fight ourselves. We attack ourselves. You know, we don't 0:05:57.036 --> 0:05:59.796 think logically about what went wrong, what happened. We just 0:05:59.836 --> 0:06:02.956 think danger, I'm the danger, I'm a problem, and we 0:06:02.996 --> 0:06:05.276 attack ourselves and somehow we think that's going to keep 0:06:05.316 --> 0:06:08.556 ourselves safe. We're going to beat ourselves up so that 0:06:08.556 --> 0:06:11.076 we won't make mistakes anymore. We'll be able to control 0:06:11.156 --> 0:06:15.116 ourselves in our behavior through this harshness. And actually the 0:06:15.196 --> 0:06:17.796 flea response that goes along with shame, that feeling and 0:06:17.876 --> 0:06:21.036 wanting to isolate yourself from all of the people, that's 0:06:21.076 --> 0:06:24.076 actually what happens with shame. It's a safety behavior. When 0:06:24.076 --> 0:06:26.676 we hang our heads in shame, we're actually feeling safe 0:06:26.676 --> 0:06:30.316 because we're protecting ourselves from the perceived judgments of the group. 0:06:30.556 --> 0:06:33.316 And the freeze response is also related to this. When 0:06:33.316 --> 0:06:36.076 we get stuck and we just ruminate and all we 0:06:36.076 --> 0:06:37.796 can think about is I'm so bad, I'm so bad, 0:06:37.796 --> 0:06:39.596 and we kind of feel stuck and we can't do 0:06:39.636 --> 0:06:42.916 anything about it. That's the freeze response. It's part of 0:06:42.996 --> 0:06:45.636 us thinking that, well, maybe if I just play dead 0:06:45.996 --> 0:06:48.716 to danger will go away. And so it's actually a 0:06:49.236 --> 0:06:52.276 natural response to threat. And by the way, I don't 0:06:52.316 --> 0:06:55.356 feel as threatened when my best friend makes a mistake, 0:06:55.996 --> 0:06:58.476 which so I'm actually more able to be kind and 0:06:58.556 --> 0:07:01.476 carrying and supportive to my best friend than I am 0:07:01.516 --> 0:07:04.836 to myself. And so it's a natural behavior. It makes sense. 0:07:05.156 --> 0:07:09.036 The problem is is actually totally counterproductive. It doesn't make 0:07:09.236 --> 0:07:12.076 keys safe at all. It actually makes you less safe 0:07:12.156 --> 0:07:15.236 because it inhibits your ability to make productive change. So 0:07:15.316 --> 0:07:17.396 on the Happiness Live, we talk a lot about the 0:07:17.436 --> 0:07:19.396 fact that, you know, our mind lies to us. You know, 0:07:19.476 --> 0:07:21.996 we have these strong intuitions about how we can build 0:07:21.996 --> 0:07:24.556 better habits, and those intuitions tend to be wrong, and 0:07:24.596 --> 0:07:27.596 self criticisms needs to be a really strong one. You know, 0:07:27.596 --> 0:07:30.436 people don't want to hate themselves or beat themselves up. 0:07:30.516 --> 0:07:33.196 They just think that that's the only way to motivate themselves. 0:07:33.236 --> 0:07:35.556 And so talk about the research showing why this is 0:07:35.596 --> 0:07:38.756 so wrong. Right, just before I get into the research, 0:07:38.876 --> 0:07:41.996 just a really useful thought experiment you can do is 0:07:42.036 --> 0:07:45.356 think about if your child came to you who've made 0:07:45.356 --> 0:07:47.436 a mistake. Maybe they got a really poor grade on 0:07:47.516 --> 0:07:50.636 the test. And imagine the effect on your child if 0:07:50.676 --> 0:07:53.836 you shame them, if you said I hate you, I 0:07:53.876 --> 0:07:57.756 don't love you anymore. You're horrible. You do better next 0:07:57.796 --> 0:07:59.916 time or else. You know, what we say to our 0:07:59.996 --> 0:08:03.956 children is, hey, I love you regardless. It's okay everyone fails, 0:08:04.156 --> 0:08:07.036 But how can I help you? How can I help 0:08:07.076 --> 0:08:08.876 you to get better grades? Excidem or how can I 0:08:08.916 --> 0:08:11.116 help you to learn from this? And we do that 0:08:11.156 --> 0:08:14.076 because we love our children, and so we naturally use 0:08:14.156 --> 0:08:17.596 war constructive approaches, but it also has to be acknowledged 0:08:17.756 --> 0:08:21.156 not always right. So some parents are actually not only 0:08:21.196 --> 0:08:24.276 self critical, but they're also very critical of their children. 0:08:24.716 --> 0:08:27.156 They tell them, you know, just buck up, stop complaining. 0:08:27.516 --> 0:08:30.596 Maybe our parents weren't all us supportive, maybe they didn't 0:08:30.596 --> 0:08:33.716 always meet our needs right, and maybe we've got some 0:08:33.756 --> 0:08:36.916 wounds because of that. But as adults, we have the 0:08:36.956 --> 0:08:40.436 ability to be good parents to ourselves. We can meet 0:08:40.476 --> 0:08:43.116 our own needs, we can support ourselves, we can be 0:08:43.156 --> 0:08:46.996 warm and accepting and encouraging to ourselves, even if our 0:08:47.036 --> 0:08:50.356 parents didn't happen to model that for us. And the 0:08:50.436 --> 0:08:54.316 research absolutely supports us right, and the research has in 0:08:54.396 --> 0:08:56.516 a few different ways. One is by just seeing people 0:08:56.556 --> 0:08:59.436 who naturally have higher levels of self compassion you know 0:08:59.516 --> 0:09:02.236 is measured through a self compassion scale, or if you 0:09:02.316 --> 0:09:06.316 help people after a failure, just them relate to themselves 0:09:06.396 --> 0:09:09.916 more compassionately about that failure. What we know is, first 0:09:09.916 --> 0:09:12.996 of all, people are much more motivated to try again. 0:09:13.116 --> 0:09:17.116 They try harder, they persist longer. They're more likely to 0:09:17.116 --> 0:09:20.236 pick themselves up after a failure again and try again. 0:09:20.476 --> 0:09:23.796 They have more grit, they have more determination. So, just 0:09:23.836 --> 0:09:25.796 to give you an example, there was a great study 0:09:25.876 --> 0:09:28.556 and they came out of UC Berkeley. The study was 0:09:28.596 --> 0:09:32.276 they gave all the Berkeley students an incredibly hard vocabulary 0:09:32.276 --> 0:09:35.716 test from the SAT that everyone failed, right, and so 0:09:35.756 --> 0:09:38.796 they had three groups after the failure. One group they 0:09:38.876 --> 0:09:41.396 told the students to be self compassionate about it, you know, 0:09:41.436 --> 0:09:43.836 try not to beat yourself up. It happens to everyone, 0:09:43.956 --> 0:09:46.876 you know, it's okay. Another group they try boosting their 0:09:46.876 --> 0:09:49.596 self esteem. Don't worry about it. You got into Berkeley, 0:09:49.636 --> 0:09:52.956 you must be smart. And the third group they told nothing, 0:09:53.196 --> 0:09:55.516 which meant that the students were probably beating themselves up 0:09:55.556 --> 0:09:57.876 because that's what most of us do. And what they 0:09:57.916 --> 0:10:00.076 found is the group that we're told to be self 0:10:00.116 --> 0:10:03.876 compassionate about the failure when given the chance kind of 0:10:03.956 --> 0:10:06.596 unobserved to see how long would they study for the 0:10:06.596 --> 0:10:08.796 next exam so they can actually improve the great on 0:10:08.836 --> 0:10:11.156 the tab, the people who are told to be self 0:10:11.196 --> 0:10:15.196 compassionate studied longer and tried harder to succeed on the 0:10:15.236 --> 0:10:18.196 next exam than the people who are told nothing or 0:10:18.356 --> 0:10:21.236 who their self esteem was boosted, just as the type 0:10:21.236 --> 0:10:24.236 of research we do to show that actually this carrying 0:10:24.476 --> 0:10:29.036 supportive stance toward ourselves actually gives us the emotional resources 0:10:29.036 --> 0:10:32.476 we need as an alternative to self esteem. And this 0:10:32.556 --> 0:10:35.156 is really critical because I think sometimes it's really easy 0:10:35.196 --> 0:10:37.756 if you don't know the literature, to confuse self compassion 0:10:37.756 --> 0:10:40.036 and self esteem. So talk about how these two concepts 0:10:40.036 --> 0:10:42.956 are different and why self esteem might not measure up 0:10:42.956 --> 0:10:45.876 to this approach of self compassion. Yeah, so self esteem 0:10:45.956 --> 0:10:48.796 is basically a positive judgment of self worth. I am 0:10:48.836 --> 0:10:52.316 a good person, you know, I'm a success, I'm beautiful, whatever, 0:10:52.356 --> 0:10:54.996 you know, whatever, your positive judgment is that you think 0:10:55.036 --> 0:10:58.276 positively of yourself. And we know for mental health is 0:10:58.316 --> 0:11:01.156 important of high self esteem is supposed to hating yourself, 0:11:01.196 --> 0:11:03.276 because if you hate yourself, you're going to be depressed 0:11:03.316 --> 0:11:05.636 and anxious. You might even think about suicide if it's 0:11:05.636 --> 0:11:07.996 really bad. Because of that, a lot of people have 0:11:08.276 --> 0:11:11.676 tried to boost the self esteem of children, for instance, 0:11:11.716 --> 0:11:14.236 in school, thinking it's going to give them better mental health, 0:11:14.516 --> 0:11:16.036 you know. And it's not a problem to have high 0:11:16.076 --> 0:11:18.276 self esteem. The problem is how do you get it. 0:11:18.756 --> 0:11:21.436 So there's a lot of unhealthy ways to get high 0:11:21.476 --> 0:11:23.836 self esteem, right, So, for instance, you have to feel 0:11:23.836 --> 0:11:26.316 special and above average. You've got to feel better than 0:11:26.396 --> 0:11:30.836 other people, which leads to constant social comparison that leads 0:11:30.876 --> 0:11:33.436 to things like bullying others. We know that's why little 0:11:33.476 --> 0:11:35.596 kids start to bully others because they're trying to boost 0:11:35.596 --> 0:11:37.876 their self esteem. They're trying to feel good about themselves 0:11:37.916 --> 0:11:41.156 in comparison to others. But the biggest problem with self 0:11:41.276 --> 0:11:45.796 esteem is that it's contingent is contingent on success. So 0:11:45.836 --> 0:11:49.396 we have self esteem when other people like us, or 0:11:49.396 --> 0:11:52.396 when we feel that we're attractive, or when we succeed, 0:11:52.436 --> 0:11:55.156 whether it's at school or business, you know, athletics, whatever 0:11:55.236 --> 0:11:58.076 is important to you. Then we have high self esteem. 0:11:58.276 --> 0:12:01.276 But what happens when we fail. When we fail, that 0:12:01.356 --> 0:12:05.116 self esteem deserts us. It's contingent on success as opposed 0:12:05.156 --> 0:12:08.596 to failure. And that's a problem because as human beings 0:12:08.636 --> 0:12:11.756 were constant really going to fail, right, And so self 0:12:11.756 --> 0:12:17.236 compassion is the perfect alternative because self compassion isn't dependent 0:12:17.436 --> 0:12:21.236 on success or failure. Self compassion is simply a process 0:12:21.276 --> 0:12:25.396 of being kind, supportive and warm to yourself and also 0:12:25.436 --> 0:12:28.236 remembering that failure is part of the shared human condition. 0:12:28.236 --> 0:12:30.596 It's actually not self focused at all. It's not it's 0:12:30.636 --> 0:12:33.876 not like self pity, like woe is me? Self compassion 0:12:33.996 --> 0:12:36.476 is to saying, hey, part of being human is being imperfect. 0:12:37.076 --> 0:12:39.276 We're all in the same boat. Can I be kind 0:12:39.316 --> 0:12:41.796 and warm and supportive to myself in the midst of 0:12:41.836 --> 0:12:45.596 my feelings of failure, in the midst of mine happiness 0:12:45.676 --> 0:12:49.436 or my struggle. So self compassion kicks in precisely when 0:12:49.476 --> 0:12:52.036 self esteem deserves us, and that is when we fail 0:12:52.116 --> 0:12:54.396 or make a mistake. And you know, it's it's not 0:12:54.476 --> 0:12:57.876 like positive thinking. You aren't telling yourself lies, you aren't 0:12:57.876 --> 0:13:01.676 saying you know, I'm great. It's actually just the opposite. 0:13:01.716 --> 0:13:04.116 What it is is opening to the truth of your 0:13:04.156 --> 0:13:07.996 imperfection at saying yes I am imperfect. Yes I'm a 0:13:08.076 --> 0:13:11.396 human being who is lot I can accept that. We 0:13:11.476 --> 0:13:13.556 talked about the sort of the bad divorce part of 0:13:13.596 --> 0:13:15.996 the story and things talk about how you snapped out 0:13:15.996 --> 0:13:18.396 of that form of self criticism, what you learned right, Well, 0:13:18.396 --> 0:13:21.836 so I learned about it when practicing mindfulness meditation to 0:13:22.556 --> 0:13:25.876 help me deal with my stress. But much to my 0:13:25.916 --> 0:13:28.556 surprise of woman leading the class, talked a lot about 0:13:28.636 --> 0:13:31.996 self compassion, about the difference it can make when you're 0:13:32.076 --> 0:13:34.996 kind and warm and supportive to yourself, especially when you're 0:13:35.036 --> 0:13:38.316 going through a hard time, which I was. And what 0:13:38.356 --> 0:13:42.796 I found was when I gave myself warmth and support 0:13:42.956 --> 0:13:45.756 for what had happened, I was more able to kind 0:13:45.796 --> 0:13:49.356 of take responsibility for how things went wrong. I was 0:13:49.436 --> 0:13:53.876 more able to apologize to my ex husband, but I 0:13:53.956 --> 0:13:57.956 was really more able to commit to doing things a 0:13:57.996 --> 0:14:00.916 better way. And what I found over and over again, 0:14:00.996 --> 0:14:04.076 whenever I make mistakes, the more I'm able to respond 0:14:04.116 --> 0:14:07.996 to my mistakes with compassion, actually, the more able I 0:14:08.036 --> 0:14:11.516 am to make changes. It's kind of the interplay of 0:14:11.556 --> 0:14:15.596 acceptance and change. Carl Rogers actually said the curious paradox 0:14:16.156 --> 0:14:18.716 is that when I accept myself, then I can change, 0:14:18.996 --> 0:14:21.836 and that's what self compassion does. It gives us the 0:14:21.876 --> 0:14:25.396 warmth to accept the fact that we're imperfect, but it 0:14:25.436 --> 0:14:28.156 also gives us a feeling of care to want to 0:14:28.196 --> 0:14:31.836 do better next time. I hope this conversation has helped 0:14:31.836 --> 0:14:34.796 you notice how harsh and self critical your mental drill 0:14:34.796 --> 0:14:37.516 Sergeant can be. But the good news is that we 0:14:37.556 --> 0:14:40.316 don't need a nasty inner voice to make positive changes 0:14:40.316 --> 0:14:42.876 in our lives. This is a message that can be 0:14:42.876 --> 0:14:45.996 hard to accept at first, but after the break, Kristen 0:14:46.036 --> 0:14:48.716 will share all the research that backs us up. She'll 0:14:48.716 --> 0:14:51.956 explain what self compassion actually consists of and how you 0:14:51.956 --> 0:14:54.076 can bring it to bear in your everyday life to 0:14:54.156 --> 0:14:57.836 more effectively reach your goals. The Happiness Lab will return 0:14:57.836 --> 0:15:09.036 in a moment. Most of us dream of a world 0:15:09.196 --> 0:15:12.756 which our friends, colleagues, and even total strangers consistently treat 0:15:12.836 --> 0:15:17.236 us with kindness, understanding, and compassion. It is kind of puzzling, then, 0:15:17.396 --> 0:15:19.516 that so many of us have such a hard time 0:15:19.556 --> 0:15:23.476 treating ourselves with the same kind of respect. True self 0:15:23.516 --> 0:15:27.796 compassion seems amazingly rare. Before Kristin f began her research 0:15:27.916 --> 0:15:29.996 back in two thousand and six. It was a really 0:15:30.076 --> 0:15:34.676 poorly understood virtue. So what even is self compassion? Well, 0:15:34.756 --> 0:15:39.236 scientists define compassion is the desire to alleviate suffering, and 0:15:39.276 --> 0:15:42.756 so self compassion is the desire to alleviate our own suffering. 0:15:43.196 --> 0:15:45.196 And there are three parts to it. So part is 0:15:45.236 --> 0:15:48.596 being kind, warm, and supportive, and that's more the emotional 0:15:48.716 --> 0:15:52.156 tenor of self compassion, treating ourselves like we had treat 0:15:52.196 --> 0:15:54.916 a good friend. There's alf with two other elements, so 0:15:55.076 --> 0:15:58.836 that are really important. What is actually mindfulness and not 0:15:58.956 --> 0:16:03.396 Everyone defines self compassion or compassion for others as necessarily 0:16:03.436 --> 0:16:05.716 having to include mindfulness, but I think it has to 0:16:06.116 --> 0:16:09.596 because without being mindful of suffering, without being a to 0:16:09.636 --> 0:16:12.876 turn toward and be with pain, to actually face our 0:16:12.916 --> 0:16:16.996 mistakes or actually recognize how hard it is for us 0:16:17.036 --> 0:16:20.436 a moment, we actually can't be self compassionate, right, And 0:16:20.436 --> 0:16:22.036 so if we just try to avoid our pain and 0:16:22.356 --> 0:16:24.316 you know, like stiff aprill lifts shove it down, I'm 0:16:24.316 --> 0:16:27.956 not going to acknowledge it, we can't be self compassionate. Alternatively, 0:16:28.036 --> 0:16:30.916 if we're lost in our drama, like, oh this is 0:16:30.956 --> 0:16:32.956 so terrible it's the worst thing that ever happened. I'm 0:16:32.996 --> 0:16:36.356 such a terrible person. Like, if we're fused with our pain, 0:16:36.836 --> 0:16:39.516 we have no space that mindfulness gives us. We have 0:16:39.556 --> 0:16:43.196 no perspective. If we have no perspective, then we can't 0:16:43.276 --> 0:16:45.996 step outside of ourselves to say, Wow, I'm having a 0:16:45.996 --> 0:16:48.436 really hard time. I need some warms in support right now. 0:16:48.596 --> 0:16:50.876 And you mean mindfulness in a particular way. Right, You 0:16:50.916 --> 0:16:56.316 mean accepting you're suffering without trying to change it, non judgmentally. Right. Mindfulness, 0:16:56.436 --> 0:16:59.676 especially in the context of self compassion, really just means 0:16:59.676 --> 0:17:03.276 that we are present and aware of whatever painful feelings 0:17:03.276 --> 0:17:06.556 we're having or difficult thoughts or emotions, and it also 0:17:06.596 --> 0:17:09.916 means that we accept that they're there. Mindfulness is really 0:17:09.996 --> 0:17:13.156 kind of the foundation of self compassion, and then there's 0:17:13.196 --> 0:17:17.356 a warm, supportive response, but really important because we don't 0:17:17.396 --> 0:17:20.516 want self compassion to be self pity. Self focused. Self 0:17:20.556 --> 0:17:23.836 pity is not helpful to anyone and needs recognition of 0:17:23.876 --> 0:17:30.036 common humanity, a recognition of interconnection. What differentiates compassion from pity. 0:17:30.236 --> 0:17:33.676 If someone pities you, it doesn't feel good because looking 0:17:33.716 --> 0:17:36.156 down on you, there's a sense of separateness. But we 0:17:36.276 --> 0:17:38.556 like it when people give us compassion, when they say like, hey, 0:17:38.596 --> 0:17:42.596 I've been there, you know. So compassion in the Latin 0:17:42.676 --> 0:17:46.396 actually means to suffer with there's an inherent connectedness and 0:17:46.476 --> 0:17:50.076 compassion there but for fortune go I. And so with 0:17:50.156 --> 0:17:53.996 self compassion, it's not really self focused at all, even 0:17:53.996 --> 0:17:56.796 though the word self is there. It's just saying, hey, 0:17:56.836 --> 0:17:59.996 life's difficult for everyone. All human beings make mistakes. I'm 0:18:00.036 --> 0:18:03.396 not alone, and that ability not to feel alone is 0:18:03.396 --> 0:18:06.116 one of the most powerful aspects of self compassion. I mean, 0:18:06.196 --> 0:18:10.156 loneliness is a huge problem in our society, and when 0:18:10.156 --> 0:18:13.516 you remember that, actually we're never alone. Not like everyone 0:18:13.556 --> 0:18:16.356 suffers the same amount. That's certainly not true. I mean 0:18:16.676 --> 0:18:19.316 people with privilege suffered less than people who are pressed. 0:18:19.316 --> 0:18:22.436 So there are differences that need to be honored. But 0:18:22.636 --> 0:18:25.356 it's also true that no one escaped suffering. You know, 0:18:25.796 --> 0:18:29.556 we all struggle. And I know you've talked about your 0:18:29.556 --> 0:18:31.956 personal experience with self compassion and this part of it 0:18:31.996 --> 0:18:34.636 in particular, this idea of a recognition of common humanity 0:18:34.716 --> 0:18:36.636 being really important. I know you talked about that with 0:18:37.316 --> 0:18:39.796 your son and going through a really stressful diagnosis with 0:18:39.876 --> 0:18:43.836 him too, right, Yeah, yeah, So my son's autistic and 0:18:44.036 --> 0:18:48.556 the ability to have self compassion absolutely saved me. I 0:18:48.556 --> 0:18:51.356 had already had about seven years of solid self compassion 0:18:51.476 --> 0:18:55.916 practice at that point, and when he got the diagnosis, 0:18:56.316 --> 0:18:59.076 it's easy to feel self pity, why me, Why can't 0:18:59.076 --> 0:19:02.036 I have like a normal child like everyone else? But 0:19:02.076 --> 0:19:05.276 what self compassion helped me to do? First, the mindfulness 0:19:05.356 --> 0:19:08.596 helped me just to accept all my feelings, because you know, 0:19:08.636 --> 0:19:11.636 when you're uns diagnosed, especially as you have feelings you 0:19:11.636 --> 0:19:15.436 think you aren't supposed to have, like a disappointment. How 0:19:15.436 --> 0:19:18.636 can I be disappointed? I love him more than anything 0:19:18.676 --> 0:19:21.716 else in the world, and I feel feeling disappointed. What 0:19:22.156 --> 0:19:24.436 do I do with that? But with mindfulness, I just 0:19:24.476 --> 0:19:28.316 allowed myself to have all the feelings I fear, anxiety, disappointment. 0:19:28.876 --> 0:19:31.756 I just really opened to it all and then I 0:19:31.836 --> 0:19:35.076 was again kind and supportive to myself. But what really 0:19:35.116 --> 0:19:40.156 helped me was instead of feeling isolated, I remember, you know, okay, 0:19:40.236 --> 0:19:42.396 most kids aren't autistic, well a lot of them are, 0:19:42.516 --> 0:19:45.516 so I'm not alone in that. But also, even though 0:19:45.556 --> 0:19:49.676 it's not autism, all parents struggle with their children. Instead 0:19:49.676 --> 0:19:53.316 of thinking like this isn't supposed to be happening. I remember, well, 0:19:53.356 --> 0:19:55.436 wait a second, who said so? You know, who said 0:19:55.476 --> 0:19:58.756 parenting was supposed to be perfect. Every single parent has 0:19:58.796 --> 0:20:02.436 struggles and challenges with their children. Maybe it's not autism, 0:20:02.476 --> 0:20:06.116 but it could be other mental health issues or physical challenges, 0:20:06.676 --> 0:20:09.596 or at the very least, all parents I have conflix 0:20:09.676 --> 0:20:12.676 and difficulties while raising their children, because that's actually what 0:20:12.756 --> 0:20:15.436 it means to be a parent. And so making that 0:20:15.556 --> 0:20:19.756 refrain really allowed me to avoid feeling self pity with 0:20:19.916 --> 0:20:23.876 autism diagnosis. It helped me feel more connected to other people, 0:20:23.956 --> 0:20:27.556 other parents. It really gave me the emotional resources to 0:20:27.676 --> 0:20:31.076 be there for myself. Like, for instance, he's doing great now, 0:20:31.116 --> 0:20:33.356 but when he was younger, his autism was pretty severe. 0:20:33.796 --> 0:20:36.916 He would have these horrible tantrums, these horrific tantrums, and 0:20:36.956 --> 0:20:39.596 he wasn't toilet trained until he was five. It was 0:20:39.676 --> 0:20:42.236 it was a rough time. But what I found is 0:20:42.276 --> 0:20:45.916 the more I could give myself compassion for the difficulties 0:20:45.916 --> 0:20:48.036 of parenting him, you know, this is so horrid. I 0:20:48.076 --> 0:20:50.636 can't believe I have to change his pants again, and 0:20:51.036 --> 0:20:53.036 you know, I can't believe it's tantrumine and I would 0:20:53.076 --> 0:20:55.556 just it's okay, Kristen. You know I'm here for you. 0:20:55.756 --> 0:20:58.476 It's okay, It'll be okay. You know, I'm so sorry. 0:20:58.516 --> 0:21:01.156 This is so hard. I found that the more I 0:21:01.156 --> 0:21:05.436 could give myself warmth and support and acceptance for my situation, 0:21:05.916 --> 0:21:08.396 the more I could give my son warmth and support 0:21:08.436 --> 0:21:11.636 and accepted for who he was. And so some people 0:21:11.836 --> 0:21:15.196 think that self compassion is selfish. They get self focused, 0:21:15.356 --> 0:21:17.676 and it's kind of a shame that the word self 0:21:17.836 --> 0:21:19.796 is in there. You know, if I had to redo it, 0:21:19.836 --> 0:21:23.916 maybe I'd call it just inner compassion, because compassion is compassion. 0:21:23.996 --> 0:21:26.956 All we're doing is we're including ourselves in the circle 0:21:26.956 --> 0:21:30.636 of compassion. And actually, the more compassion can flow inward, 0:21:30.956 --> 0:21:33.196 the more can flow outward. It's not like if we've 0:21:33.196 --> 0:21:35.316 got five units and if I get three to myself, 0:21:35.356 --> 0:21:38.236 I only have two left over for someone else. It's additive. 0:21:38.796 --> 0:21:41.436 And so the more we give ourselves compassion, the more 0:21:41.516 --> 0:21:44.196