1 00:00:15,436 --> 00:00:25,036 Speaker 1: Pushkin. Hello, Happiness Lab listeners, and welcome to twenty twenty one. 2 00:00:25,916 --> 00:00:28,316 Speaker 1: If you're like me, you're probably hoping that the next 3 00:00:28,356 --> 00:00:30,476 Speaker 1: twelve months will be a lot better than the year 4 00:00:30,516 --> 00:00:33,876 Speaker 1: we just had. You may even be considering changes you 5 00:00:33,876 --> 00:00:36,276 Speaker 1: can make in your own life, and of course you're 6 00:00:36,316 --> 00:00:39,116 Speaker 1: not alone. Lots of people will be adopting New Year's 7 00:00:39,156 --> 00:00:42,436 Speaker 1: resolutions this January to alter the way they look, think, 8 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:45,956 Speaker 1: and behave now. Don't get me wrong, I think making 9 00:00:46,036 --> 00:00:48,596 Speaker 1: changes in our lives, especially at fresh start moments like 10 00:00:48,636 --> 00:00:51,716 Speaker 1: the New Year, is a great idea. The problem is, 11 00:00:51,876 --> 00:00:54,476 Speaker 1: if we're not careful, our lying minds may wind up 12 00:00:54,556 --> 00:00:57,116 Speaker 1: leading us off in the wrong direction, telling us to 13 00:00:57,156 --> 00:00:59,196 Speaker 1: do things that will make us less happy than we think. 14 00:00:59,636 --> 00:01:02,436 Speaker 1: We're picking strategies that will make us lose morale and 15 00:01:02,556 --> 00:01:08,276 Speaker 1: give up before we even get started. The big temptation 16 00:01:08,356 --> 00:01:10,716 Speaker 1: at this time of year is to be really hard 17 00:01:10,756 --> 00:01:14,356 Speaker 1: on yourself, to ruthlessly identify all the faults of your past, 18 00:01:14,716 --> 00:01:16,756 Speaker 1: to set the bar super high for what you want 19 00:01:16,756 --> 00:01:19,916 Speaker 1: to achieve, and to set out on some surprisingly punishing 20 00:01:19,916 --> 00:01:22,956 Speaker 1: regimes in order to reach your goals. I know this 21 00:01:23,036 --> 00:01:26,036 Speaker 1: temptation well. I fall for all the time, but the 22 00:01:26,116 --> 00:01:30,516 Speaker 1: science just doesn't back it up. Strict diets, brutal exercise plans, 23 00:01:30,556 --> 00:01:32,956 Speaker 1: and going cold turkey on the personal habits you want 24 00:01:32,956 --> 00:01:37,116 Speaker 1: to shed. These strategies just don't work. But there is 25 00:01:37,156 --> 00:01:40,836 Speaker 1: good news because the psychological research points to a more 26 00:01:40,836 --> 00:01:44,516 Speaker 1: effective path. Over the next four episodes of this special season, 27 00:01:45,076 --> 00:01:47,516 Speaker 1: I'll explain why the secret to fulfilling all your New 28 00:01:47,556 --> 00:01:52,476 Speaker 1: Year's goals is simply to be nicer to ourselves. If 29 00:01:52,516 --> 00:01:54,876 Speaker 1: you're ready to learn more and kick those bad habits 30 00:01:54,876 --> 00:01:58,396 Speaker 1: through kindness, then join me. Doctor Laurie Santos as the 31 00:01:58,396 --> 00:02:02,276 Speaker 1: Happiness Lab presents our mini season on smartest strategies for 32 00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:10,396 Speaker 1: achieving your New Year's goals. If I constantly told you 33 00:02:10,436 --> 00:02:13,636 Speaker 1: that you are lazy, stupid, and unfit, that you weren't 34 00:02:13,636 --> 00:02:15,396 Speaker 1: really good at your job, and that your house was 35 00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:19,156 Speaker 1: a terrible mess, you'd probably switch off this podcast. But 36 00:02:19,236 --> 00:02:21,516 Speaker 1: when the new year comes around, many of us create 37 00:02:21,596 --> 00:02:25,556 Speaker 1: even worse mentalists cataloging how much we suck. It's as 38 00:02:25,556 --> 00:02:28,436 Speaker 1: though our inner monologus get taken over by some cruel 39 00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:32,756 Speaker 1: drill sergeant who yells at us about our faults and 40 00:02:32,796 --> 00:02:36,316 Speaker 1: past mistakes. We call ourselves names and start hurling these 41 00:02:36,316 --> 00:02:43,396 Speaker 1: awful insults. You're dumb, you're greedy, you're weak. We all 42 00:02:43,396 --> 00:02:46,796 Speaker 1: know this bootcamp brutality doesn't feel good, but we think 43 00:02:46,796 --> 00:02:48,556 Speaker 1: that it's what we need to do in order to 44 00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:52,316 Speaker 1: break our bad habits and get motivated. But we're wrong. 45 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:56,156 Speaker 1: All this self flagellation is just self defeating. That's the 46 00:02:56,196 --> 00:02:58,516 Speaker 1: big message that comes from the lovely work of today's 47 00:02:58,556 --> 00:03:03,076 Speaker 1: guest author and psychologist Kristin Neff Okay, is that good? Yep, 48 00:03:03,156 --> 00:03:05,116 Speaker 1: I can hear you fine, and then the sound quality 49 00:03:05,156 --> 00:03:08,796 Speaker 1: sounds great. So wait, that's not working. Let's see. Kristen, 50 00:03:08,876 --> 00:03:11,316 Speaker 1: who is also an associate professor at the University of 51 00:03:11,356 --> 00:03:14,556 Speaker 1: Texas at Austin, has identified a more effective way for 52 00:03:14,636 --> 00:03:16,996 Speaker 1: people to meet their goals and one that makes us 53 00:03:17,036 --> 00:03:20,196 Speaker 1: happier in the process. But like a lot of us, 54 00:03:20,476 --> 00:03:23,556 Speaker 1: she still had to overcome the hostril sergeant inside her head. 55 00:03:24,076 --> 00:03:26,556 Speaker 1: My life was a mess. I had just gotten through 56 00:03:26,556 --> 00:03:28,796 Speaker 1: a divorce, and it was a very messy divorce, and 57 00:03:28,836 --> 00:03:31,556 Speaker 1: I was feeling a lot of shame because of the 58 00:03:31,596 --> 00:03:34,676 Speaker 1: way that the marriage ended. I was really beating myself up, 59 00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:36,956 Speaker 1: hoping that it would make me a better person, that 60 00:03:37,036 --> 00:03:39,516 Speaker 1: I would never make the same types of mistakes again. 61 00:03:39,796 --> 00:03:42,196 Speaker 1: Talk about what that was doing to you. You mentioned 62 00:03:42,236 --> 00:03:44,196 Speaker 1: this sort of the shame that you were going through. 63 00:03:44,436 --> 00:03:46,756 Speaker 1: Kind of what it can do from a personal sense, right, 64 00:03:46,876 --> 00:03:51,036 Speaker 1: So self criticism and shame and know they're slightly different, 65 00:03:51,036 --> 00:03:53,636 Speaker 1: but they're very related. So self criticism is when we 66 00:03:53,716 --> 00:03:58,676 Speaker 1: actively haranging ourselves or a cruel things were unkind to ourselves, 67 00:03:59,036 --> 00:04:01,956 Speaker 1: and shame is kind of the end result of self criticism. 68 00:04:02,396 --> 00:04:06,156 Speaker 1: Shame is a very hollowed out feeling where we identify 69 00:04:06,236 --> 00:04:09,676 Speaker 1: as being a bad person, and so criticism can be 70 00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:13,956 Speaker 1: aimed at our behavior or ourselves. Criticism of our behavior 71 00:04:14,036 --> 00:04:17,836 Speaker 1: isn't actually necessarily a bad thing. So guilt, they find 72 00:04:17,956 --> 00:04:20,716 Speaker 1: in psychological research, isn't necessarily a bad thing. If you 73 00:04:20,756 --> 00:04:23,356 Speaker 1: feel guilty about something you've done, if you harm someone, 74 00:04:23,796 --> 00:04:26,516 Speaker 1: being critical of what you did, it's actually healthy. Right. 75 00:04:26,756 --> 00:04:28,996 Speaker 1: We don't want to pretend that everything we do is okay, 76 00:04:28,996 --> 00:04:31,396 Speaker 1: because often it's not and it needs to change. But 77 00:04:31,516 --> 00:04:35,516 Speaker 1: criticism aimed at ourselves. So believe that just because I 78 00:04:35,596 --> 00:04:38,076 Speaker 1: made a mistake, you know, I am a mistake, I 79 00:04:38,116 --> 00:04:41,276 Speaker 1: am bad. That's really not healthy at all because, first 80 00:04:41,316 --> 00:04:44,636 Speaker 1: of all, it shuts down our awareness. When we feel shame, 81 00:04:44,676 --> 00:04:47,836 Speaker 1: we kind of feel hollow. Sometimes we even dissociate from 82 00:04:47,836 --> 00:04:51,036 Speaker 1: our bodies. We cut ourselves off from other people. It 83 00:04:51,036 --> 00:04:53,916 Speaker 1: makes it a lot harder to apologize to others because 84 00:04:53,916 --> 00:04:56,156 Speaker 1: we feel so full of shame. It makes it much 85 00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,916 Speaker 1: more difficult to see the truth about what we've done 86 00:04:58,996 --> 00:05:01,116 Speaker 1: because you know, we're just blinded by our shame. We 87 00:05:01,116 --> 00:05:04,036 Speaker 1: can't even take it in. And it also takes away 88 00:05:04,036 --> 00:05:07,236 Speaker 1: our energy and motivation to try to do better next time. 89 00:05:07,956 --> 00:05:10,316 Speaker 1: It's like pulling the rug from underneath you when you 90 00:05:10,356 --> 00:05:14,436 Speaker 1: feel shame. It's not a motivating mindset. It's actually debilitating mindset. 91 00:05:14,596 --> 00:05:17,036 Speaker 1: What's so shocking about that, though, is that that kind 92 00:05:17,076 --> 00:05:20,476 Speaker 1: of self criticism isn't uncommon, right, especially at this time 93 00:05:20,516 --> 00:05:21,956 Speaker 1: of the year, in the New Year. I feel like 94 00:05:21,996 --> 00:05:25,316 Speaker 1: there's so many people who think that motivating themselves to 95 00:05:25,356 --> 00:05:28,476 Speaker 1: gain positive habits in the new year requires being this 96 00:05:28,556 --> 00:05:32,156 Speaker 1: awful self critical drill sergeant. It almost like institute's shame 97 00:05:32,236 --> 00:05:34,796 Speaker 1: rather than avoids it, right, right, And I think there 98 00:05:34,796 --> 00:05:37,316 Speaker 1: are some reasons for this. I actually think some of 99 00:05:37,316 --> 00:05:42,076 Speaker 1: it is physiological. So when we feel threatened and every 100 00:05:42,116 --> 00:05:44,156 Speaker 1: time we make a mistake or we fail at something, 101 00:05:44,196 --> 00:05:47,716 Speaker 1: we actually feel threatened, and so when we feel threatened, 102 00:05:47,796 --> 00:05:51,276 Speaker 1: we going to fight flight or freeze response. When the 103 00:05:51,316 --> 00:05:54,076 Speaker 1: problem is ourselves and then we've done some mistake we've made, 104 00:05:54,116 --> 00:05:56,996 Speaker 1: we fight ourselves. We attack ourselves. You know, we don't 105 00:05:57,036 --> 00:05:59,796 Speaker 1: think logically about what went wrong, what happened. We just 106 00:05:59,836 --> 00:06:02,956 Speaker 1: think danger, I'm the danger, I'm a problem, and we 107 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:05,276 Speaker 1: attack ourselves and somehow we think that's going to keep 108 00:06:05,316 --> 00:06:08,556 Speaker 1: ourselves safe. We're going to beat ourselves up so that 109 00:06:08,556 --> 00:06:11,076 Speaker 1: we won't make mistakes anymore. We'll be able to control 110 00:06:11,156 --> 00:06:15,116 Speaker 1: ourselves in our behavior through this harshness. And actually the 111 00:06:15,196 --> 00:06:17,796 Speaker 1: flea response that goes along with shame, that feeling and 112 00:06:17,876 --> 00:06:21,036 Speaker 1: wanting to isolate yourself from all of the people, that's 113 00:06:21,076 --> 00:06:24,076 Speaker 1: actually what happens with shame. It's a safety behavior. When 114 00:06:24,076 --> 00:06:26,676 Speaker 1: we hang our heads in shame, we're actually feeling safe 115 00:06:26,676 --> 00:06:30,316 Speaker 1: because we're protecting ourselves from the perceived judgments of the group. 116 00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:33,316 Speaker 1: And the freeze response is also related to this. When 117 00:06:33,316 --> 00:06:36,076 Speaker 1: we get stuck and we just ruminate and all we 118 00:06:36,076 --> 00:06:37,796 Speaker 1: can think about is I'm so bad, I'm so bad, 119 00:06:37,796 --> 00:06:39,596 Speaker 1: and we kind of feel stuck and we can't do 120 00:06:39,636 --> 00:06:42,916 Speaker 1: anything about it. That's the freeze response. It's part of 121 00:06:42,996 --> 00:06:45,636 Speaker 1: us thinking that, well, maybe if I just play dead 122 00:06:45,996 --> 00:06:48,716 Speaker 1: to danger will go away. And so it's actually a 123 00:06:49,236 --> 00:06:52,276 Speaker 1: natural response to threat. And by the way, I don't 124 00:06:52,316 --> 00:06:55,356 Speaker 1: feel as threatened when my best friend makes a mistake, 125 00:06:55,996 --> 00:06:58,476 Speaker 1: which so I'm actually more able to be kind and 126 00:06:58,556 --> 00:07:01,476 Speaker 1: carrying and supportive to my best friend than I am 127 00:07:01,516 --> 00:07:04,836 Speaker 1: to myself. And so it's a natural behavior. It makes sense. 128 00:07:05,156 --> 00:07:09,036 Speaker 1: The problem is is actually totally counterproductive. It doesn't make 129 00:07:09,236 --> 00:07:12,076 Speaker 1: keys safe at all. It actually makes you less safe 130 00:07:12,156 --> 00:07:15,236 Speaker 1: because it inhibits your ability to make productive change. So 131 00:07:15,316 --> 00:07:17,396 Speaker 1: on the Happiness Live, we talk a lot about the 132 00:07:17,436 --> 00:07:19,396 Speaker 1: fact that, you know, our mind lies to us. You know, 133 00:07:19,476 --> 00:07:21,996 Speaker 1: we have these strong intuitions about how we can build 134 00:07:21,996 --> 00:07:24,556 Speaker 1: better habits, and those intuitions tend to be wrong, and 135 00:07:24,596 --> 00:07:27,596 Speaker 1: self criticisms needs to be a really strong one. You know, 136 00:07:27,596 --> 00:07:30,436 Speaker 1: people don't want to hate themselves or beat themselves up. 137 00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:33,196 Speaker 1: They just think that that's the only way to motivate themselves. 138 00:07:33,236 --> 00:07:35,556 Speaker 1: And so talk about the research showing why this is 139 00:07:35,596 --> 00:07:38,756 Speaker 1: so wrong. Right, just before I get into the research, 140 00:07:38,876 --> 00:07:41,996 Speaker 1: just a really useful thought experiment you can do is 141 00:07:42,036 --> 00:07:45,356 Speaker 1: think about if your child came to you who've made 142 00:07:45,356 --> 00:07:47,436 Speaker 1: a mistake. Maybe they got a really poor grade on 143 00:07:47,516 --> 00:07:50,636 Speaker 1: the test. And imagine the effect on your child if 144 00:07:50,676 --> 00:07:53,836 Speaker 1: you shame them, if you said I hate you, I 145 00:07:53,876 --> 00:07:57,756 Speaker 1: don't love you anymore. You're horrible. You do better next 146 00:07:57,796 --> 00:07:59,916 Speaker 1: time or else. You know, what we say to our 147 00:07:59,996 --> 00:08:03,956 Speaker 1: children is, hey, I love you regardless. It's okay everyone fails, 148 00:08:04,156 --> 00:08:07,036 Speaker 1: But how can I help you? How can I help 149 00:08:07,076 --> 00:08:08,876 Speaker 1: you to get better grades? Excidem or how can I 150 00:08:08,916 --> 00:08:11,116 Speaker 1: help you to learn from this? And we do that 151 00:08:11,156 --> 00:08:14,076 Speaker 1: because we love our children, and so we naturally use 152 00:08:14,156 --> 00:08:17,596 Speaker 1: war constructive approaches, but it also has to be acknowledged 153 00:08:17,756 --> 00:08:21,156 Speaker 1: not always right. So some parents are actually not only 154 00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:24,276 Speaker 1: self critical, but they're also very critical of their children. 155 00:08:24,716 --> 00:08:27,156 Speaker 1: They tell them, you know, just buck up, stop complaining. 156 00:08:27,516 --> 00:08:30,596 Speaker 1: Maybe our parents weren't all us supportive, maybe they didn't 157 00:08:30,596 --> 00:08:33,716 Speaker 1: always meet our needs right, and maybe we've got some 158 00:08:33,756 --> 00:08:36,916 Speaker 1: wounds because of that. But as adults, we have the 159 00:08:36,956 --> 00:08:40,436 Speaker 1: ability to be good parents to ourselves. We can meet 160 00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:43,116 Speaker 1: our own needs, we can support ourselves, we can be 161 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:46,996 Speaker 1: warm and accepting and encouraging to ourselves, even if our 162 00:08:47,036 --> 00:08:50,356 Speaker 1: parents didn't happen to model that for us. And the 163 00:08:50,436 --> 00:08:54,316 Speaker 1: research absolutely supports us right, and the research has in 164 00:08:54,396 --> 00:08:56,516 Speaker 1: a few different ways. One is by just seeing people 165 00:08:56,556 --> 00:08:59,436 Speaker 1: who naturally have higher levels of self compassion you know 166 00:08:59,516 --> 00:09:02,236 Speaker 1: is measured through a self compassion scale, or if you 167 00:09:02,316 --> 00:09:06,316 Speaker 1: help people after a failure, just them relate to themselves 168 00:09:06,396 --> 00:09:09,916 Speaker 1: more compassionately about that failure. What we know is, first 169 00:09:09,916 --> 00:09:12,996 Speaker 1: of all, people are much more motivated to try again. 170 00:09:13,116 --> 00:09:17,116 Speaker 1: They try harder, they persist longer. They're more likely to 171 00:09:17,116 --> 00:09:20,236 Speaker 1: pick themselves up after a failure again and try again. 172 00:09:20,476 --> 00:09:23,796 Speaker 1: They have more grit, they have more determination. So, just 173 00:09:23,836 --> 00:09:25,796 Speaker 1: to give you an example, there was a great study 174 00:09:25,876 --> 00:09:28,556 Speaker 1: and they came out of UC Berkeley. The study was 175 00:09:28,596 --> 00:09:32,276 Speaker 1: they gave all the Berkeley students an incredibly hard vocabulary 176 00:09:32,276 --> 00:09:35,716 Speaker 1: test from the SAT that everyone failed, right, and so 177 00:09:35,756 --> 00:09:38,796 Speaker 1: they had three groups after the failure. One group they 178 00:09:38,876 --> 00:09:41,396 Speaker 1: told the students to be self compassionate about it, you know, 179 00:09:41,436 --> 00:09:43,836 Speaker 1: try not to beat yourself up. It happens to everyone, 180 00:09:43,956 --> 00:09:46,876 Speaker 1: you know, it's okay. Another group they try boosting their 181 00:09:46,876 --> 00:09:49,596 Speaker 1: self esteem. Don't worry about it. You got into Berkeley, 182 00:09:49,636 --> 00:09:52,956 Speaker 1: you must be smart. And the third group they told nothing, 183 00:09:53,196 --> 00:09:55,516 Speaker 1: which meant that the students were probably beating themselves up 184 00:09:55,556 --> 00:09:57,876 Speaker 1: because that's what most of us do. And what they 185 00:09:57,916 --> 00:10:00,076 Speaker 1: found is the group that we're told to be self 186 00:10:00,116 --> 00:10:03,876 Speaker 1: compassionate about the failure when given the chance kind of 187 00:10:03,956 --> 00:10:06,596 Speaker 1: unobserved to see how long would they study for the 188 00:10:06,596 --> 00:10:08,796 Speaker 1: next exam so they can actually improve the great on 189 00:10:08,836 --> 00:10:11,156 Speaker 1: the tab, the people who are told to be self 190 00:10:11,196 --> 00:10:15,196 Speaker 1: compassionate studied longer and tried harder to succeed on the 191 00:10:15,236 --> 00:10:18,196 Speaker 1: next exam than the people who are told nothing or 192 00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:21,236 Speaker 1: who their self esteem was boosted, just as the type 193 00:10:21,236 --> 00:10:24,236 Speaker 1: of research we do to show that actually this carrying 194 00:10:24,476 --> 00:10:29,036 Speaker 1: supportive stance toward ourselves actually gives us the emotional resources 195 00:10:29,036 --> 00:10:32,476 Speaker 1: we need as an alternative to self esteem. And this 196 00:10:32,556 --> 00:10:35,156 Speaker 1: is really critical because I think sometimes it's really easy 197 00:10:35,196 --> 00:10:37,756 Speaker 1: if you don't know the literature, to confuse self compassion 198 00:10:37,756 --> 00:10:40,036 Speaker 1: and self esteem. So talk about how these two concepts 199 00:10:40,036 --> 00:10:42,956 Speaker 1: are different and why self esteem might not measure up 200 00:10:42,956 --> 00:10:45,876 Speaker 1: to this approach of self compassion. Yeah, so self esteem 201 00:10:45,956 --> 00:10:48,796 Speaker 1: is basically a positive judgment of self worth. I am 202 00:10:48,836 --> 00:10:52,316 Speaker 1: a good person, you know, I'm a success, I'm beautiful, whatever, 203 00:10:52,356 --> 00:10:54,996 Speaker 1: you know, whatever, your positive judgment is that you think 204 00:10:55,036 --> 00:10:58,276 Speaker 1: positively of yourself. And we know for mental health is 205 00:10:58,316 --> 00:11:01,156 Speaker 1: important of high self esteem is supposed to hating yourself, 206 00:11:01,196 --> 00:11:03,276 Speaker 1: because if you hate yourself, you're going to be depressed 207 00:11:03,316 --> 00:11:05,636 Speaker 1: and anxious. You might even think about suicide if it's 208 00:11:05,636 --> 00:11:07,996 Speaker 1: really bad. Because of that, a lot of people have 209 00:11:08,276 --> 00:11:11,676 Speaker 1: tried to boost the self esteem of children, for instance, 210 00:11:11,716 --> 00:11:14,236 Speaker 1: in school, thinking it's going to give them better mental health, 211 00:11:14,516 --> 00:11:16,036 Speaker 1: you know. And it's not a problem to have high 212 00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:18,276 Speaker 1: self esteem. The problem is how do you get it. 213 00:11:18,756 --> 00:11:21,436 Speaker 1: So there's a lot of unhealthy ways to get high 214 00:11:21,476 --> 00:11:23,836 Speaker 1: self esteem, right, So, for instance, you have to feel 215 00:11:23,836 --> 00:11:26,316 Speaker 1: special and above average. You've got to feel better than 216 00:11:26,396 --> 00:11:30,836 Speaker 1: other people, which leads to constant social comparison that leads 217 00:11:30,876 --> 00:11:33,436 Speaker 1: to things like bullying others. We know that's why little 218 00:11:33,476 --> 00:11:35,596 Speaker 1: kids start to bully others because they're trying to boost 219 00:11:35,596 --> 00:11:37,876 Speaker 1: their self esteem. They're trying to feel good about themselves 220 00:11:37,916 --> 00:11:41,156 Speaker 1: in comparison to others. But the biggest problem with self 221 00:11:41,276 --> 00:11:45,796 Speaker 1: esteem is that it's contingent is contingent on success. So 222 00:11:45,836 --> 00:11:49,396 Speaker 1: we have self esteem when other people like us, or 223 00:11:49,396 --> 00:11:52,396 Speaker 1: when we feel that we're attractive, or when we succeed, 224 00:11:52,436 --> 00:11:55,156 Speaker 1: whether it's at school or business, you know, athletics, whatever 225 00:11:55,236 --> 00:11:58,076 Speaker 1: is important to you. Then we have high self esteem. 226 00:11:58,276 --> 00:12:01,276 Speaker 1: But what happens when we fail. When we fail, that 227 00:12:01,356 --> 00:12:05,116 Speaker 1: self esteem deserts us. It's contingent on success as opposed 228 00:12:05,156 --> 00:12:08,596 Speaker 1: to failure. And that's a problem because as human beings 229 00:12:08,636 --> 00:12:11,756 Speaker 1: were constant really going to fail, right, And so self 230 00:12:11,756 --> 00:12:17,236 Speaker 1: compassion is the perfect alternative because self compassion isn't dependent 231 00:12:17,436 --> 00:12:21,236 Speaker 1: on success or failure. Self compassion is simply a process 232 00:12:21,276 --> 00:12:25,396 Speaker 1: of being kind, supportive and warm to yourself and also 233 00:12:25,436 --> 00:12:28,236 Speaker 1: remembering that failure is part of the shared human condition. 234 00:12:28,236 --> 00:12:30,596 Speaker 1: It's actually not self focused at all. It's not it's 235 00:12:30,636 --> 00:12:33,876 Speaker 1: not like self pity, like woe is me? Self compassion 236 00:12:33,996 --> 00:12:36,476 Speaker 1: is to saying, hey, part of being human is being imperfect. 237 00:12:37,076 --> 00:12:39,276 Speaker 1: We're all in the same boat. Can I be kind 238 00:12:39,316 --> 00:12:41,796 Speaker 1: and warm and supportive to myself in the midst of 239 00:12:41,836 --> 00:12:45,596 Speaker 1: my feelings of failure, in the midst of mine happiness 240 00:12:45,676 --> 00:12:49,436 Speaker 1: or my struggle. So self compassion kicks in precisely when 241 00:12:49,476 --> 00:12:52,036 Speaker 1: self esteem deserves us, and that is when we fail 242 00:12:52,116 --> 00:12:54,396 Speaker 1: or make a mistake. And you know, it's it's not 243 00:12:54,476 --> 00:12:57,876 Speaker 1: like positive thinking. You aren't telling yourself lies, you aren't 244 00:12:57,876 --> 00:13:01,676 Speaker 1: saying you know, I'm great. It's actually just the opposite. 245 00:13:01,716 --> 00:13:04,116 Speaker 1: What it is is opening to the truth of your 246 00:13:04,156 --> 00:13:07,996 Speaker 1: imperfection at saying yes I am imperfect. Yes I'm a 247 00:13:08,076 --> 00:13:11,396 Speaker 1: human being who is lot I can accept that. We 248 00:13:11,476 --> 00:13:13,556 Speaker 1: talked about the sort of the bad divorce part of 249 00:13:13,596 --> 00:13:15,996 Speaker 1: the story and things talk about how you snapped out 250 00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:18,396 Speaker 1: of that form of self criticism, what you learned right, Well, 251 00:13:18,396 --> 00:13:21,836 Speaker 1: so I learned about it when practicing mindfulness meditation to 252 00:13:22,556 --> 00:13:25,876 Speaker 1: help me deal with my stress. But much to my 253 00:13:25,916 --> 00:13:28,556 Speaker 1: surprise of woman leading the class, talked a lot about 254 00:13:28,636 --> 00:13:31,996 Speaker 1: self compassion, about the difference it can make when you're 255 00:13:32,076 --> 00:13:34,996 Speaker 1: kind and warm and supportive to yourself, especially when you're 256 00:13:35,036 --> 00:13:38,316 Speaker 1: going through a hard time, which I was. And what 257 00:13:38,356 --> 00:13:42,796 Speaker 1: I found was when I gave myself warmth and support 258 00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:45,756 Speaker 1: for what had happened, I was more able to kind 259 00:13:45,796 --> 00:13:49,356 Speaker 1: of take responsibility for how things went wrong. I was 260 00:13:49,436 --> 00:13:53,876 Speaker 1: more able to apologize to my ex husband, but I 261 00:13:53,956 --> 00:13:57,956 Speaker 1: was really more able to commit to doing things a 262 00:13:57,996 --> 00:14:00,916 Speaker 1: better way. And what I found over and over again, 263 00:14:00,996 --> 00:14:04,076 Speaker 1: whenever I make mistakes, the more I'm able to respond 264 00:14:04,116 --> 00:14:07,996 Speaker 1: to my mistakes with compassion, actually, the more able I 265 00:14:08,036 --> 00:14:11,516 Speaker 1: am to make changes. It's kind of the interplay of 266 00:14:11,556 --> 00:14:15,596 Speaker 1: acceptance and change. Carl Rogers actually said the curious paradox 267 00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:18,716 Speaker 1: is that when I accept myself, then I can change, 268 00:14:18,996 --> 00:14:21,836 Speaker 1: and that's what self compassion does. It gives us the 269 00:14:21,876 --> 00:14:25,396 Speaker 1: warmth to accept the fact that we're imperfect, but it 270 00:14:25,436 --> 00:14:28,156 Speaker 1: also gives us a feeling of care to want to 271 00:14:28,196 --> 00:14:31,836 Speaker 1: do better next time. I hope this conversation has helped 272 00:14:31,836 --> 00:14:34,796 Speaker 1: you notice how harsh and self critical your mental drill 273 00:14:34,796 --> 00:14:37,516 Speaker 1: Sergeant can be. But the good news is that we 274 00:14:37,556 --> 00:14:40,316 Speaker 1: don't need a nasty inner voice to make positive changes 275 00:14:40,316 --> 00:14:42,876 Speaker 1: in our lives. This is a message that can be 276 00:14:42,876 --> 00:14:45,996 Speaker 1: hard to accept at first, but after the break, Kristen 277 00:14:46,036 --> 00:14:48,716 Speaker 1: will share all the research that backs us up. She'll 278 00:14:48,716 --> 00:14:51,956 Speaker 1: explain what self compassion actually consists of and how you 279 00:14:51,956 --> 00:14:54,076 Speaker 1: can bring it to bear in your everyday life to 280 00:14:54,156 --> 00:14:57,836 Speaker 1: more effectively reach your goals. The Happiness Lab will return 281 00:14:57,836 --> 00:15:09,036 Speaker 1: in a moment. Most of us dream of a world 282 00:15:09,196 --> 00:15:12,756 Speaker 1: which our friends, colleagues, and even total strangers consistently treat 283 00:15:12,836 --> 00:15:17,236 Speaker 1: us with kindness, understanding, and compassion. It is kind of puzzling, then, 284 00:15:17,396 --> 00:15:19,516 Speaker 1: that so many of us have such a hard time 285 00:15:19,556 --> 00:15:23,476 Speaker 1: treating ourselves with the same kind of respect. True self 286 00:15:23,516 --> 00:15:27,796 Speaker 1: compassion seems amazingly rare. Before Kristin f began her research 287 00:15:27,916 --> 00:15:29,996 Speaker 1: back in two thousand and six. It was a really 288 00:15:30,076 --> 00:15:34,676 Speaker 1: poorly understood virtue. So what even is self compassion? Well, 289 00:15:34,756 --> 00:15:39,236 Speaker 1: scientists define compassion is the desire to alleviate suffering, and 290 00:15:39,276 --> 00:15:42,756 Speaker 1: so self compassion is the desire to alleviate our own suffering. 291 00:15:43,196 --> 00:15:45,196 Speaker 1: And there are three parts to it. So part is 292 00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:48,596 Speaker 1: being kind, warm, and supportive, and that's more the emotional 293 00:15:48,716 --> 00:15:52,156 Speaker 1: tenor of self compassion, treating ourselves like we had treat 294 00:15:52,196 --> 00:15:54,916 Speaker 1: a good friend. There's alf with two other elements, so 295 00:15:55,076 --> 00:15:58,836 Speaker 1: that are really important. What is actually mindfulness and not 296 00:15:58,956 --> 00:16:03,396 Speaker 1: Everyone defines self compassion or compassion for others as necessarily 297 00:16:03,436 --> 00:16:05,716 Speaker 1: having to include mindfulness, but I think it has to 298 00:16:06,116 --> 00:16:09,596 Speaker 1: because without being mindful of suffering, without being a to 299 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:12,876 Speaker 1: turn toward and be with pain, to actually face our 300 00:16:12,916 --> 00:16:16,996 Speaker 1: mistakes or actually recognize how hard it is for us 301 00:16:17,036 --> 00:16:20,436 Speaker 1: a moment, we actually can't be self compassionate, right, And 302 00:16:20,436 --> 00:16:22,036 Speaker 1: so if we just try to avoid our pain and 303 00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:24,316 Speaker 1: you know, like stiff aprill lifts shove it down, I'm 304 00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:27,956 Speaker 1: not going to acknowledge it, we can't be self compassionate. Alternatively, 305 00:16:28,036 --> 00:16:30,916 Speaker 1: if we're lost in our drama, like, oh this is 306 00:16:30,956 --> 00:16:32,956 Speaker 1: so terrible it's the worst thing that ever happened. I'm 307 00:16:32,996 --> 00:16:36,356 Speaker 1: such a terrible person. Like, if we're fused with our pain, 308 00:16:36,836 --> 00:16:39,516 Speaker 1: we have no space that mindfulness gives us. We have 309 00:16:39,556 --> 00:16:43,196 Speaker 1: no perspective. If we have no perspective, then we can't 310 00:16:43,276 --> 00:16:45,996 Speaker 1: step outside of ourselves to say, Wow, I'm having a 311 00:16:45,996 --> 00:16:48,436 Speaker 1: really hard time. I need some warms in support right now. 312 00:16:48,596 --> 00:16:50,876 Speaker 1: And you mean mindfulness in a particular way. Right, You 313 00:16:50,916 --> 00:16:56,316 Speaker 1: mean accepting you're suffering without trying to change it, non judgmentally. Right. Mindfulness, 314 00:16:56,436 --> 00:16:59,676 Speaker 1: especially in the context of self compassion, really just means 315 00:16:59,676 --> 00:17:03,276 Speaker 1: that we are present and aware of whatever painful feelings 316 00:17:03,276 --> 00:17:06,556 Speaker 1: we're having or difficult thoughts or emotions, and it also 317 00:17:06,596 --> 00:17:09,916 Speaker 1: means that we accept that they're there. Mindfulness is really 318 00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:13,156 Speaker 1: kind of the foundation of self compassion, and then there's 319 00:17:13,196 --> 00:17:17,356 Speaker 1: a warm, supportive response, but really important because we don't 320 00:17:17,396 --> 00:17:20,516 Speaker 1: want self compassion to be self pity. Self focused. Self 321 00:17:20,556 --> 00:17:23,836 Speaker 1: pity is not helpful to anyone and needs recognition of 322 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:30,036 Speaker 1: common humanity, a recognition of interconnection. What differentiates compassion from pity. 323 00:17:30,236 --> 00:17:33,676 Speaker 1: If someone pities you, it doesn't feel good because looking 324 00:17:33,716 --> 00:17:36,156 Speaker 1: down on you, there's a sense of separateness. But we 325 00:17:36,276 --> 00:17:38,556 Speaker 1: like it when people give us compassion, when they say like, hey, 326 00:17:38,596 --> 00:17:42,596 Speaker 1: I've been there, you know. So compassion in the Latin 327 00:17:42,676 --> 00:17:46,396 Speaker 1: actually means to suffer with there's an inherent connectedness and 328 00:17:46,476 --> 00:17:50,076 Speaker 1: compassion there but for fortune go I. And so with 329 00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:53,996 Speaker 1: self compassion, it's not really self focused at all, even 330 00:17:53,996 --> 00:17:56,796 Speaker 1: though the word self is there. It's just saying, hey, 331 00:17:56,836 --> 00:17:59,996 Speaker 1: life's difficult for everyone. All human beings make mistakes. I'm 332 00:18:00,036 --> 00:18:03,396 Speaker 1: not alone, and that ability not to feel alone is 333 00:18:03,396 --> 00:18:06,116 Speaker 1: one of the most powerful aspects of self compassion. I mean, 334 00:18:06,196 --> 00:18:10,156 Speaker 1: loneliness is a huge problem in our society, and when 335 00:18:10,156 --> 00:18:13,516 Speaker 1: you remember that, actually we're never alone. Not like everyone 336 00:18:13,556 --> 00:18:16,356 Speaker 1: suffers the same amount. That's certainly not true. I mean 337 00:18:16,676 --> 00:18:19,316 Speaker 1: people with privilege suffered less than people who are pressed. 338 00:18:19,316 --> 00:18:22,436 Speaker 1: So there are differences that need to be honored. But 339 00:18:22,636 --> 00:18:25,356 Speaker 1: it's also true that no one escaped suffering. You know, 340 00:18:25,796 --> 00:18:29,556 Speaker 1: we all struggle. And I know you've talked about your 341 00:18:29,556 --> 00:18:31,956 Speaker 1: personal experience with self compassion and this part of it 342 00:18:31,996 --> 00:18:34,636 Speaker 1: in particular, this idea of a recognition of common humanity 343 00:18:34,716 --> 00:18:36,636 Speaker 1: being really important. I know you talked about that with 344 00:18:37,316 --> 00:18:39,796 Speaker 1: your son and going through a really stressful diagnosis with 345 00:18:39,876 --> 00:18:43,836 Speaker 1: him too, right, Yeah, yeah, So my son's autistic and 346 00:18:44,036 --> 00:18:48,556 Speaker 1: the ability to have self compassion absolutely saved me. I 347 00:18:48,556 --> 00:18:51,356 Speaker 1: had already had about seven years of solid self compassion 348 00:18:51,476 --> 00:18:55,916 Speaker 1: practice at that point, and when he got the diagnosis, 349 00:18:56,316 --> 00:18:59,076 Speaker 1: it's easy to feel self pity, why me, Why can't 350 00:18:59,076 --> 00:19:02,036 Speaker 1: I have like a normal child like everyone else? But 351 00:19:02,076 --> 00:19:05,276 Speaker 1: what self compassion helped me to do? First, the mindfulness 352 00:19:05,356 --> 00:19:08,596 Speaker 1: helped me just to accept all my feelings, because you know, 353 00:19:08,636 --> 00:19:11,636 Speaker 1: when you're uns diagnosed, especially as you have feelings you 354 00:19:11,636 --> 00:19:15,436 Speaker 1: think you aren't supposed to have, like a disappointment. How 355 00:19:15,436 --> 00:19:18,636 Speaker 1: can I be disappointed? I love him more than anything 356 00:19:18,676 --> 00:19:21,716 Speaker 1: else in the world, and I feel feeling disappointed. What 357 00:19:22,156 --> 00:19:24,436 Speaker 1: do I do with that? But with mindfulness, I just 358 00:19:24,476 --> 00:19:28,316 Speaker 1: allowed myself to have all the feelings I fear, anxiety, disappointment. 359 00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:31,756 Speaker 1: I just really opened to it all and then I 360 00:19:31,836 --> 00:19:35,076 Speaker 1: was again kind and supportive to myself. But what really 361 00:19:35,116 --> 00:19:40,156 Speaker 1: helped me was instead of feeling isolated, I remember, you know, okay, 362 00:19:40,236 --> 00:19:42,396 Speaker 1: most kids aren't autistic, well a lot of them are, 363 00:19:42,516 --> 00:19:45,516 Speaker 1: so I'm not alone in that. But also, even though 364 00:19:45,556 --> 00:19:49,676 Speaker 1: it's not autism, all parents struggle with their children. Instead 365 00:19:49,676 --> 00:19:53,316 Speaker 1: of thinking like this isn't supposed to be happening. I remember, well, 366 00:19:53,356 --> 00:19:55,436 Speaker 1: wait a second, who said so? You know, who said 367 00:19:55,476 --> 00:19:58,756 Speaker 1: parenting was supposed to be perfect. Every single parent has 368 00:19:58,796 --> 00:20:02,436 Speaker 1: struggles and challenges with their children. Maybe it's not autism, 369 00:20:02,476 --> 00:20:06,116 Speaker 1: but it could be other mental health issues or physical challenges, 370 00:20:06,676 --> 00:20:09,596 Speaker 1: or at the very least, all parents I have conflix 371 00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:12,676 Speaker 1: and difficulties while raising their children, because that's actually what 372 00:20:12,756 --> 00:20:15,436 Speaker 1: it means to be a parent. And so making that 373 00:20:15,556 --> 00:20:19,756 Speaker 1: refrain really allowed me to avoid feeling self pity with 374 00:20:19,916 --> 00:20:23,876 Speaker 1: autism diagnosis. It helped me feel more connected to other people, 375 00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:27,556 Speaker 1: other parents. It really gave me the emotional resources to 376 00:20:27,676 --> 00:20:31,076 Speaker 1: be there for myself. Like, for instance, he's doing great now, 377 00:20:31,116 --> 00:20:33,356 Speaker 1: but when he was younger, his autism was pretty severe. 378 00:20:33,796 --> 00:20:36,916 Speaker 1: He would have these horrible tantrums, these horrific tantrums, and 379 00:20:36,956 --> 00:20:39,596 Speaker 1: he wasn't toilet trained until he was five. It was 380 00:20:39,676 --> 00:20:42,236 Speaker 1: it was a rough time. But what I found is 381 00:20:42,276 --> 00:20:45,916 Speaker 1: the more I could give myself compassion for the difficulties 382 00:20:45,916 --> 00:20:48,036 Speaker 1: of parenting him, you know, this is so horrid. I 383 00:20:48,076 --> 00:20:50,636 Speaker 1: can't believe I have to change his pants again, and 384 00:20:51,036 --> 00:20:53,036 Speaker 1: you know, I can't believe it's tantrumine and I would 385 00:20:53,076 --> 00:20:55,556 Speaker 1: just it's okay, Kristen. You know I'm here for you. 386 00:20:55,756 --> 00:20:58,476 Speaker 1: It's okay, It'll be okay. You know, I'm so sorry. 387 00:20:58,516 --> 00:21:01,156 Speaker 1: This is so hard. I found that the more I 388 00:21:01,156 --> 00:21:05,436 Speaker 1: could give myself warmth and support and acceptance for my situation, 389 00:21:05,916 --> 00:21:08,396 Speaker 1: the more I could give my son warmth and support 390 00:21:08,436 --> 00:21:11,636 Speaker 1: and accepted for who he was. And so some people 391 00:21:11,836 --> 00:21:15,196 Speaker 1: think that self compassion is selfish. They get self focused, 392 00:21:15,356 --> 00:21:17,676 Speaker 1: and it's kind of a shame that the word self 393 00:21:17,836 --> 00:21:19,796 Speaker 1: is in there. You know, if I had to redo it, 394 00:21:19,836 --> 00:21:23,916 Speaker 1: maybe I'd call it just inner compassion, because compassion is compassion. 395 00:21:23,996 --> 00:21:26,956 Speaker 1: All we're doing is we're including ourselves in the circle 396 00:21:26,956 --> 00:21:30,636 Speaker 1: of compassion. And actually, the more compassion can flow inward, 397 00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:33,196 Speaker 1: the more can flow outward. It's not like if we've 398 00:21:33,196 --> 00:21:35,316 Speaker 1: got five units and if I get three to myself, 399 00:21:35,356 --> 00:21:38,236 Speaker 1: I only have two left over for someone else. It's additive. 400 00:21:38,796 --> 00:21:41,436 Speaker 1: And so the more we give ourselves compassion, the more 401 00:21:41,516 --> 00:21:44,196 Speaker 1: resources we have actually to give to others. And I 402 00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:46,636 Speaker 1: absolutely found that with my son to be true. And 403 00:21:46,636 --> 00:21:49,276 Speaker 1: it's funny that we often think about mindfulness and kind 404 00:21:49,316 --> 00:21:52,876 Speaker 1: of just kindness in general is so tough, because evolutionarily speaking, 405 00:21:52,876 --> 00:21:55,756 Speaker 1: we're really built to be kind of kind and to 406 00:21:55,756 --> 00:21:59,196 Speaker 1: help others when they're going through suffering. Right, yeah, So, well, 407 00:21:59,236 --> 00:22:02,836 Speaker 1: the reason mindfulness is so difficult evolutionarily is because our 408 00:22:02,836 --> 00:22:05,116 Speaker 1: brains actually aren't designed to be mindful of you know, 409 00:22:05,156 --> 00:22:07,596 Speaker 1: we've the default mode of our brain is to be 410 00:22:07,676 --> 00:22:10,596 Speaker 1: mind wandering, you probably know at and so to create 411 00:22:10,636 --> 00:22:12,556 Speaker 1: a sense of solve and think about the past and 412 00:22:12,636 --> 00:22:16,636 Speaker 1: the future and look for problems and so, in some ways, 413 00:22:16,756 --> 00:22:20,236 Speaker 1: believe it or not, compassion is easier than mindfulness because 414 00:22:20,276 --> 00:22:22,636 Speaker 1: mindfulness is we need to kind of get quiet, We 415 00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:24,756 Speaker 1: need to fight against the fact that our brain wants 416 00:22:24,796 --> 00:22:29,636 Speaker 1: us to worry. But kindness is something that we develop evolutionarily, 417 00:22:29,676 --> 00:22:32,676 Speaker 1: you know, Charles Darwin much more than talking about the 418 00:22:32,676 --> 00:22:35,596 Speaker 1: survival of the fittest, he talked about survival of the kindest, 419 00:22:36,116 --> 00:22:40,156 Speaker 1: because this capacity to bond with others, to feel warmth, 420 00:22:40,196 --> 00:22:44,716 Speaker 1: to feel care actually helped our species to survive. And so, 421 00:22:44,876 --> 00:22:48,556 Speaker 1: whereas self criticism taps into the threat defense system like 422 00:22:48,636 --> 00:22:53,236 Speaker 1: I talked about self, compassion taps into the mammalion care system, 423 00:22:53,676 --> 00:22:56,116 Speaker 1: this system that's built him. We know when we feel 424 00:22:56,156 --> 00:23:00,636 Speaker 1: close to others, when we feel connected, where our parasympathetic 425 00:23:00,676 --> 00:23:05,436 Speaker 1: nervous system gets activated, our sympathetic response goes down. Release 426 00:23:05,516 --> 00:23:09,556 Speaker 1: oxytocin and opiates, you know, increase heart rate, very ability, 427 00:23:09,996 --> 00:23:12,876 Speaker 1: We feel safe. And so what we're doing with self 428 00:23:12,876 --> 00:23:17,196 Speaker 1: compassion is we're actually tapping into that care system. The 429 00:23:17,276 --> 00:23:20,596 Speaker 1: only thing is again, because when we feel threatened, were 430 00:23:20,716 --> 00:23:24,236 Speaker 1: we more automatically going to fight flight or flee response. 431 00:23:24,756 --> 00:23:27,116 Speaker 1: What we're doing is we're actually switching our source of 432 00:23:27,156 --> 00:23:32,236 Speaker 1: safety from the defense system to the care system. So 433 00:23:32,636 --> 00:23:35,876 Speaker 1: you might say that it's not totally natural, all right, 434 00:23:35,916 --> 00:23:38,756 Speaker 1: So we've got to do a little jiggling and treat 435 00:23:38,796 --> 00:23:42,036 Speaker 1: ourselves like we would treat a good friend. But once 436 00:23:42,116 --> 00:23:44,596 Speaker 1: we do that, once we do that, it's actually not 437 00:23:44,716 --> 00:23:48,836 Speaker 1: difficult to be self compassionate because it goes along with 438 00:23:48,876 --> 00:23:51,396 Speaker 1: all these skills that we have. You know, we know 439 00:23:51,436 --> 00:23:54,116 Speaker 1: how to be warm to a friend who's having our time. 440 00:23:54,356 --> 00:23:56,156 Speaker 1: We know what to say, we know how to hold 441 00:23:56,196 --> 00:23:58,876 Speaker 1: our bodies, we know how to use our voice. So 442 00:23:58,916 --> 00:24:01,636 Speaker 1: these are skills that we already have inside of us. 443 00:24:01,836 --> 00:24:04,556 Speaker 1: All we really need is to be able to speak 444 00:24:04,596 --> 00:24:06,596 Speaker 1: to ourselves like we speak to a good friend, and 445 00:24:06,636 --> 00:24:08,476 Speaker 1: we already know how to do it. It's more about 446 00:24:08,516 --> 00:24:12,196 Speaker 1: giving ourselves permission to do it and also remembering to 447 00:24:12,236 --> 00:24:15,756 Speaker 1: do it because again, our habitual immediate reaction is to 448 00:24:15,796 --> 00:24:19,116 Speaker 1: go and to fight flatter fully response. And my good 449 00:24:19,156 --> 00:24:21,676 Speaker 1: friend Mark Leary said, you know, the research is becoming 450 00:24:21,716 --> 00:24:24,956 Speaker 1: really boring because it all finds the same outcome, which 451 00:24:24,996 --> 00:24:27,676 Speaker 1: is it self compassion. It's really good for you. It's 452 00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:30,556 Speaker 1: good for your mental health, right, it's a less depression, 453 00:24:30,636 --> 00:24:35,236 Speaker 1: anxiety and stress, greater happiness. It's good for your physical health. 454 00:24:35,276 --> 00:24:38,516 Speaker 1: It's more and more research showing it enhances immune function. 455 00:24:39,036 --> 00:24:42,956 Speaker 1: People sleep better, they have fewer cold takes and pains. 456 00:24:42,996 --> 00:24:46,676 Speaker 1: It reduces physical pain things like that, and increases learning. 457 00:24:46,956 --> 00:24:49,956 Speaker 1: It promotes growth goals and learning goals as opposed to 458 00:24:50,076 --> 00:24:53,596 Speaker 1: just like trying to look good. It's linked to greater motivation. 459 00:24:53,756 --> 00:24:56,596 Speaker 1: People try harder, they're more persistent, they're more likely to 460 00:24:56,676 --> 00:24:59,316 Speaker 1: re engage in their goals and they get knocked off balance. 461 00:24:59,836 --> 00:25:03,636 Speaker 1: It's good for relationships. It increases your ability to be 462 00:25:03,676 --> 00:25:06,156 Speaker 1: a good partner in a relationship and at least to 463 00:25:06,236 --> 00:25:10,756 Speaker 1: more satisfying interpersonal relationships. There's one study show this linked 464 00:25:10,876 --> 00:25:14,596 Speaker 1: better sex. You know, there we go, and links to 465 00:25:14,716 --> 00:25:17,476 Speaker 1: more exercise, you know, going to the doctor more often, 466 00:25:17,556 --> 00:25:20,996 Speaker 1: taking better care of yourself. Really, if you look at 467 00:25:21,036 --> 00:25:23,476 Speaker 1: the range of behaviors that lead to being a happy, 468 00:25:23,556 --> 00:25:28,316 Speaker 1: healthy human being, self compassion really really helps. It makes 469 00:25:28,316 --> 00:25:31,436 Speaker 1: a huge difference. It's like we have the superpower in 470 00:25:31,476 --> 00:25:33,876 Speaker 1: our back pocket. We don't even know we have it. 471 00:25:34,196 --> 00:25:37,516 Speaker 1: We've got this ability to support ourselves, to help us 472 00:25:37,596 --> 00:25:41,836 Speaker 1: effectively create change. We just we instead are still into 473 00:25:41,836 --> 00:25:44,076 Speaker 1: the illusion that we think beating ourselves up is going 474 00:25:44,116 --> 00:25:46,516 Speaker 1: to be a better way to achieve our goals when 475 00:25:46,796 --> 00:25:49,316 Speaker 1: it's really not. And I think that comes from some 476 00:25:49,356 --> 00:25:51,116 Speaker 1: of them as conceptions we have. I mean one of 477 00:25:51,116 --> 00:25:53,476 Speaker 1: them as conceptions that I often get when I talk 478 00:25:53,476 --> 00:25:55,636 Speaker 1: about self compassion to my students. You know, my kind 479 00:25:55,676 --> 00:25:58,076 Speaker 1: of type a you know Ivy League students is you know, 480 00:25:58,116 --> 00:26:00,436 Speaker 1: they think self compassion is kind of weak. You know, 481 00:26:00,556 --> 00:26:02,116 Speaker 1: it's like the weak thing to do. But but your 482 00:26:02,156 --> 00:26:05,036 Speaker 1: work is shown it's just the opposer, just the opposite. So, 483 00:26:05,076 --> 00:26:08,036 Speaker 1: for instance, there's a lot of research on combat veterans, 484 00:26:08,556 --> 00:26:11,876 Speaker 1: veterans who action in Iraq or Afghanistan, and a lot 485 00:26:11,916 --> 00:26:13,676 Speaker 1: of people when they go through a trauma like that, 486 00:26:13,796 --> 00:26:16,716 Speaker 1: a lot of soldiers they develop post traumatic stress syndrome. 487 00:26:17,276 --> 00:26:20,676 Speaker 1: And what the research shows is that those soldiers who 488 00:26:20,676 --> 00:26:24,196 Speaker 1: are able to be compassionate to themselves about what happened 489 00:26:24,236 --> 00:26:27,596 Speaker 1: when they were overseas, they're less likely to develop PTSD. 490 00:26:28,396 --> 00:26:30,836 Speaker 1: They function better in daily life when they come home, 491 00:26:31,236 --> 00:26:33,796 Speaker 1: and they're less likely to turn to drugs or alcohol 492 00:26:33,916 --> 00:26:36,916 Speaker 1: because they kind of support themselves with compassion as opposed 493 00:26:36,916 --> 00:26:39,516 Speaker 1: to having to turn to alcohol, and they're less likely 494 00:26:39,516 --> 00:26:42,036 Speaker 1: to commit suicide. You know, if you think about what 495 00:26:42,236 --> 00:26:44,516 Speaker 1: makes you weak or what makes you strong when you 496 00:26:44,636 --> 00:26:46,716 Speaker 1: go into battle and you know life's a battle. These 497 00:26:46,716 --> 00:26:49,636 Speaker 1: soldiers actually had actual battle, but for all of us 498 00:26:49,676 --> 00:26:52,036 Speaker 1: at some level, life's a battle. What's going to make 499 00:26:52,076 --> 00:26:54,236 Speaker 1: you strong? Or would you go into battle if the 500 00:26:54,276 --> 00:26:57,156 Speaker 1: inner voice inside your head is an enemy who's cutting 501 00:26:57,196 --> 00:26:59,396 Speaker 1: you down, who's shaming you, I hate you, you aren't 502 00:26:59,396 --> 00:27:01,996 Speaker 1: good enough? Is that going to make you stronger? Or 503 00:27:02,076 --> 00:27:03,836 Speaker 1: is it going to be stronger? If you're in allies, 504 00:27:04,036 --> 00:27:05,956 Speaker 1: I got your back, I'm here for you. You can 505 00:27:06,036 --> 00:27:10,196 Speaker 1: do it. How can I help? Clearly, having an ally 506 00:27:10,276 --> 00:27:12,316 Speaker 1: inside your head is going to be make you stronger 507 00:27:12,356 --> 00:27:14,876 Speaker 1: than having an enemy inside your head, and so you 508 00:27:14,916 --> 00:27:17,916 Speaker 1: know it makes sense. But yet people for whatever reason, 509 00:27:17,996 --> 00:27:20,116 Speaker 1: they don't, they don't think that they think that self 510 00:27:20,116 --> 00:27:24,436 Speaker 1: compassion is just about like slacking off, easing up. So 511 00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:27,076 Speaker 1: actually there are two sides of self compassion. I like 512 00:27:27,116 --> 00:27:30,196 Speaker 1: to call it fierce and tender self compassion. So tender 513 00:27:30,236 --> 00:27:34,276 Speaker 1: self compassion is just about self acceptance. Sometimes what we 514 00:27:34,356 --> 00:27:37,236 Speaker 1: do need to do is just accept ourselves as we are. Okay, 515 00:27:37,276 --> 00:27:40,476 Speaker 1: we aren't perfect, that's okay. You know this is painful, 516 00:27:40,916 --> 00:27:44,476 Speaker 1: and that actually allows us to heal the Sometimes compassion 517 00:27:44,556 --> 00:27:48,116 Speaker 1: needs to be fierce. If you're suffering, is because you're 518 00:27:48,116 --> 00:27:51,276 Speaker 1: in a second story building and the story beflow you 519 00:27:51,396 --> 00:27:53,796 Speaker 1: is caught on fire. You don't want to just be 520 00:27:53,916 --> 00:27:56,396 Speaker 1: with yourself in a tender way. You want to like 521 00:27:56,476 --> 00:27:58,676 Speaker 1: jump out the window if you need to. Sometimes we 522 00:27:58,716 --> 00:28:02,716 Speaker 1: need to be brave and take action to alleviate our suffering. Right, 523 00:28:02,716 --> 00:28:05,116 Speaker 1: Sometimes we need to protect ourselves. We need to say 524 00:28:05,156 --> 00:28:08,556 Speaker 1: no to others. We need to draw boundaries. Sometimes we 525 00:28:08,636 --> 00:28:11,796 Speaker 1: need to make changes. You know, we're stuck in a 526 00:28:11,876 --> 00:28:15,196 Speaker 1: toxic relationship or an unhealthy job, or we're engaging in 527 00:28:15,276 --> 00:28:18,516 Speaker 1: behaviors that are really bad for us. It's not compassionate 528 00:28:18,556 --> 00:28:21,636 Speaker 1: to just let those slide. It's compassionate to actually make 529 00:28:21,636 --> 00:28:24,436 Speaker 1: a change. And also it's really important that we provide 530 00:28:24,436 --> 00:28:27,076 Speaker 1: for our needs. Right. We don't want to sometimes if 531 00:28:27,076 --> 00:28:29,636 Speaker 1: we just aren't being fulfilled, if we aren't happy, we 532 00:28:29,676 --> 00:28:31,716 Speaker 1: don't want to just let that slide. We want to 533 00:28:31,756 --> 00:28:34,276 Speaker 1: do something about it to give ourselves what we need. 534 00:28:34,676 --> 00:28:37,476 Speaker 1: So that's more of the fierce side of compassion. We 535 00:28:37,516 --> 00:28:39,876 Speaker 1: always need both at some level, and it's a balance 536 00:28:39,956 --> 00:28:43,596 Speaker 1: between the yin and young that's actually most effective. Let's 537 00:28:43,636 --> 00:28:45,556 Speaker 1: talk a little bit more about how we can actually 538 00:28:45,556 --> 00:28:47,876 Speaker 1: get self compassion. I hope our listeners are convinced that 539 00:28:47,956 --> 00:28:50,436 Speaker 1: it's a good thing that we should embrace it, right, 540 00:28:50,796 --> 00:28:52,476 Speaker 1: But how do we do this right? Like, how do 541 00:28:52,516 --> 00:28:54,676 Speaker 1: we really stop beating ourselves up? And you've kind of 542 00:28:54,716 --> 00:28:57,076 Speaker 1: given your students a specific set of steps that they 543 00:28:57,076 --> 00:28:59,916 Speaker 1: can use to kind of experience this themselves. It's not 544 00:29:00,036 --> 00:29:03,916 Speaker 1: rocket science, right, because the reason it's not rocket science 545 00:29:03,996 --> 00:29:07,876 Speaker 1: is because people already know how to be compassionate. That's 546 00:29:07,916 --> 00:29:11,396 Speaker 1: the cool thing. It's not like learning a radically foreign 547 00:29:11,516 --> 00:29:16,556 Speaker 1: Skill's actually three doorways in One is just being compassionate 548 00:29:16,556 --> 00:29:19,116 Speaker 1: to yourself directly after time. You can do that all 549 00:29:19,116 --> 00:29:22,116 Speaker 1: those a little awkward at first. Another one is imagine 550 00:29:22,476 --> 00:29:24,796 Speaker 1: what would I say to it, dear friend, in the 551 00:29:24,836 --> 00:29:27,916 Speaker 1: exact same situation, what would I say? How would I 552 00:29:27,916 --> 00:29:29,796 Speaker 1: say it? And then you can say that to yourself. 553 00:29:30,076 --> 00:29:32,196 Speaker 1: And the other way is using your experience of when 554 00:29:32,196 --> 00:29:35,036 Speaker 1: people have been compassionate to you, like what would a 555 00:29:35,076 --> 00:29:39,396 Speaker 1: really compassionate friend or maybe grandparents, so many of experience 556 00:29:39,476 --> 00:29:42,156 Speaker 1: has been very, very compassionate. What would they probably say 557 00:29:42,156 --> 00:29:44,996 Speaker 1: to me? Right now? We can access that as a template, 558 00:29:45,476 --> 00:29:48,436 Speaker 1: So that's easy. The other thing you can do is 559 00:29:48,436 --> 00:29:51,236 Speaker 1: bring in the three components of self compassion and it's 560 00:29:51,276 --> 00:29:54,236 Speaker 1: almost like a recipe, you know. The first is mindfulness. 561 00:29:54,516 --> 00:29:56,476 Speaker 1: First of all, just being aware that this is really 562 00:29:56,516 --> 00:30:00,036 Speaker 1: hard right now. If we're suppressing our pain or if 563 00:30:00,076 --> 00:30:03,236 Speaker 1: we're just two lost and problem solving, you know, we 564 00:30:03,276 --> 00:30:05,876 Speaker 1: don't have the perspective needed to say, hey, hey, this 565 00:30:05,956 --> 00:30:09,236 Speaker 1: is really hard, so kind of validating our pain's first. 566 00:30:10,236 --> 00:30:13,236 Speaker 1: The second step is remembering that we aren't alone. You know, 567 00:30:13,276 --> 00:30:16,596 Speaker 1: sometimes we think like something has gone wrong when we 568 00:30:16,636 --> 00:30:19,516 Speaker 1: make a mistake. Actually, whoever said that? You know, it's not. 569 00:30:19,676 --> 00:30:22,436 Speaker 1: Everyone else is being perfect and it's just you. It 570 00:30:22,476 --> 00:30:25,716 Speaker 1: may feel that way, but the reality is everyone is 571 00:30:25,756 --> 00:30:28,076 Speaker 1: making mistakes. This is what we all do This is 572 00:30:28,116 --> 00:30:31,396 Speaker 1: actually part of being human, and then you actively give 573 00:30:31,436 --> 00:30:34,476 Speaker 1: yourself kindness and that can be again through words like 574 00:30:34,516 --> 00:30:37,236 Speaker 1: you'd say to a friend. Also, touch is a really 575 00:30:37,476 --> 00:30:40,636 Speaker 1: easy way to give yourself kindness because we are tapping 576 00:30:40,716 --> 00:30:44,236 Speaker 1: into the mammalion care system, and as mammals the first 577 00:30:44,276 --> 00:30:47,036 Speaker 1: two years of life, at least for humans, we don't 578 00:30:47,036 --> 00:30:51,876 Speaker 1: have language. So the primary way parents canvey care and 579 00:30:51,956 --> 00:30:54,556 Speaker 1: compassion to infants who are crying and need to be 580 00:30:54,596 --> 00:30:57,556 Speaker 1: soothed and calm down is to touch. So you can 581 00:30:57,636 --> 00:31:00,396 Speaker 1: give yourself some touch to help you feel so supported 582 00:31:00,476 --> 00:31:03,836 Speaker 1: and cared for. And that's also very powerful. And my 583 00:31:03,916 --> 00:31:06,276 Speaker 1: guess is that doing this the first couple times, because 584 00:31:06,316 --> 00:31:08,916 Speaker 1: I've now tried this myself a little bit, to be totally, 585 00:31:09,396 --> 00:31:11,596 Speaker 1: it can feel a little bit weird and phony because 586 00:31:11,596 --> 00:31:14,756 Speaker 1: you're really advocating to literally talk to yourself, literally hug 587 00:31:14,796 --> 00:31:17,556 Speaker 1: yourself in some ways for the touch part, right, yeah, yeah, 588 00:31:17,636 --> 00:31:19,516 Speaker 1: or put your hands on your heart or something. Yeah, 589 00:31:19,556 --> 00:31:22,076 Speaker 1: it does. It does feel awkward at first, right, It 590 00:31:22,076 --> 00:31:24,596 Speaker 1: doesn't feel awkward at all to beat ourselves up, you know, 591 00:31:24,636 --> 00:31:27,316 Speaker 1: because we're just so used to that. It's funny that 592 00:31:27,316 --> 00:31:29,836 Speaker 1: it feels phony to treat ourselves like a friend, but 593 00:31:29,876 --> 00:31:33,116 Speaker 1: it feels perfectly natural to treat ourselves like an enemy. 594 00:31:33,596 --> 00:31:36,756 Speaker 1: But over time it gets easier, and then what will 595 00:31:36,796 --> 00:31:39,556 Speaker 1: happen is at some point you'll let a little bit 596 00:31:39,556 --> 00:31:42,756 Speaker 1: of it in, and you'll actually let your warmth in. 597 00:31:42,836 --> 00:31:47,116 Speaker 1: You'll actually allow yourself to be moved by your own struggle, 598 00:31:47,196 --> 00:31:48,996 Speaker 1: the way you might be moved by a friend you 599 00:31:49,076 --> 00:31:51,716 Speaker 1: cared about who was telling you something that was very difficult. 600 00:31:52,236 --> 00:31:56,676 Speaker 1: And once you actually see the impact of oh, I see, 601 00:31:57,076 --> 00:32:00,236 Speaker 1: actually I can be moved by my own struggle. I 602 00:32:00,316 --> 00:32:03,156 Speaker 1: can be warm, I can be supportive, And once you 603 00:32:03,196 --> 00:32:06,476 Speaker 1: see the immediate difference that makes and your ability to cope, 604 00:32:06,916 --> 00:32:08,796 Speaker 1: then it's like, Okay, I want to do this again. 605 00:32:09,236 --> 00:32:11,996 Speaker 1: Someone said the goal of practice is simply to become 606 00:32:12,036 --> 00:32:16,156 Speaker 1: a compassionate mess. You know, you're still a mess, but 607 00:32:16,236 --> 00:32:20,076 Speaker 1: when you're a compassionate mess, everything changes. So when you're 608 00:32:20,116 --> 00:32:23,676 Speaker 1: a self critical, shaming mess, you're just hopeless, right does 609 00:32:23,756 --> 00:32:25,156 Speaker 1: and you can do you can't get out of bed. 610 00:32:25,556 --> 00:32:28,556 Speaker 1: But when you're a compassionate mess, you're still a mess. 611 00:32:28,796 --> 00:32:33,356 Speaker 1: You aren't pretending you aren't, but because you're carrying that care, 612 00:32:34,316 --> 00:32:37,116 Speaker 1: you know, motivation Okay, well, because I care, is there 613 00:32:37,116 --> 00:32:40,236 Speaker 1: anything I can do to help? That compassionate approach also 614 00:32:40,396 --> 00:32:42,956 Speaker 1: allows us to get over something else that can be 615 00:32:42,956 --> 00:32:44,756 Speaker 1: hard when we're starting new habits, which is sort of 616 00:32:44,756 --> 00:32:47,836 Speaker 1: procrastination or just this terrible fear that we're going to 617 00:32:47,916 --> 00:32:51,076 Speaker 1: just fail. Right. Absolutely, there's actually a lot of research 618 00:32:51,116 --> 00:32:54,756 Speaker 1: on self compassion and procrastination and how it reduces it, 619 00:32:54,796 --> 00:32:59,396 Speaker 1: because what procrastination is fear of failure. And one thing 620 00:32:59,436 --> 00:33:02,436 Speaker 1: that self compassion gives you is it makes it safe 621 00:33:02,436 --> 00:33:05,116 Speaker 1: to fail when you know that if you fail, you 622 00:33:05,396 --> 00:33:08,436 Speaker 1: won't desert yourself. You'll still be there for yourself, You'll 623 00:33:08,476 --> 00:33:11,436 Speaker 1: still be kind and supportive to yourself. What it does 624 00:33:11,516 --> 00:33:14,636 Speaker 1: is it makes it safe to fail, and really, really importantly, 625 00:33:15,036 --> 00:33:18,276 Speaker 1: it allows you to learn from the failure. I mean, 626 00:33:18,316 --> 00:33:20,916 Speaker 1: it's a truism. Failure is our best teacher. We all 627 00:33:20,956 --> 00:33:24,476 Speaker 1: know it's true, We've all experienced that is true, and 628 00:33:24,556 --> 00:33:26,756 Speaker 1: yet we're so afraid of failing. But if we want 629 00:33:26,756 --> 00:33:28,716 Speaker 1: to learn, how are you going to learn without failing? 630 00:33:28,756 --> 00:33:31,476 Speaker 1: A failure is our best teacher. You know, it really 631 00:33:31,516 --> 00:33:35,196 Speaker 1: doesn't make any sense, Oh it does if you think 632 00:33:35,236 --> 00:33:38,596 Speaker 1: about the fact that people feel ashamed by failing, and 633 00:33:38,676 --> 00:33:41,476 Speaker 1: because of that, they don't want to fail. The motivation 634 00:33:41,516 --> 00:33:44,836 Speaker 1: of self criticism is a motivation of fear. You better 635 00:33:44,876 --> 00:33:47,476 Speaker 1: do it right or else I'm going to shame you. 636 00:33:47,516 --> 00:33:49,756 Speaker 1: I'm gonna hate you unless you get it right. And 637 00:33:49,876 --> 00:33:51,676 Speaker 1: it kind of works. A lot of people have gotten 638 00:33:51,676 --> 00:33:55,956 Speaker 1: through grad school based on this fear, but it creates 639 00:33:55,956 --> 00:33:59,516 Speaker 1: so many unintended consequences. Like it creates fear of failure, 640 00:33:59,556 --> 00:34:03,596 Speaker 1: it creates anxiety, undermines your self confidence, all things which 641 00:34:03,636 --> 00:34:07,356 Speaker 1: work directly against your ability to achieve your best. So 642 00:34:07,516 --> 00:34:11,196 Speaker 1: self compassion makes it safe to fail. And the motivation 643 00:34:11,236 --> 00:34:13,596 Speaker 1: comes from love. You know, I want you to do 644 00:34:13,676 --> 00:34:15,356 Speaker 1: better because I care about you. I don't want you 645 00:34:15,356 --> 00:34:17,036 Speaker 1: to suffer. I care about you. I want you to 646 00:34:17,076 --> 00:34:21,276 Speaker 1: reach your goals. How can I help? And that supportive 647 00:34:21,276 --> 00:34:24,756 Speaker 1: attitude is actually so much more effective in helping this 648 00:34:24,876 --> 00:34:27,236 Speaker 1: actually reach your goals. And so for all of those 649 00:34:27,276 --> 00:34:29,276 Speaker 1: folks who are starting this new year thinking that the 650 00:34:29,356 --> 00:34:31,516 Speaker 1: drill sergeant approach is going to be their best way 651 00:34:31,556 --> 00:34:33,796 Speaker 1: to you know, get the perfect beach body or clutter 652 00:34:33,876 --> 00:34:36,876 Speaker 1: less or whatever their new year's resolution is, what's your 653 00:34:36,916 --> 00:34:40,876 Speaker 1: final advice for them? Yeah? So I would say, imagine 654 00:34:40,916 --> 00:34:44,556 Speaker 1: that you had the ultimate compassionate coach first of all, 655 00:34:44,556 --> 00:34:47,716 Speaker 1: who's very wise, and you can't bullshit this coach. You know, 656 00:34:47,756 --> 00:34:50,876 Speaker 1: this coach knows what needs to change, not gonna You know, 657 00:34:50,916 --> 00:34:52,556 Speaker 1: it's not a good coach if he or she's going 658 00:34:52,596 --> 00:34:54,316 Speaker 1: to pretend that you're fine just the way you are, 659 00:34:54,356 --> 00:34:57,116 Speaker 1: because maybe maybe you aren't feeling healthy, or maybe you 660 00:34:57,156 --> 00:34:59,636 Speaker 1: really should declutter a little less because it's kind of 661 00:34:59,756 --> 00:35:02,636 Speaker 1: causing problems in your life. So that wise coach can 662 00:35:02,716 --> 00:35:05,596 Speaker 1: help you decide what does need to change, and the 663 00:35:05,796 --> 00:35:08,516 Speaker 1: good coach is going to help you get there as 664 00:35:08,556 --> 00:35:10,756 Speaker 1: opposed to you know, you may have had a coach 665 00:35:10,796 --> 00:35:12,716 Speaker 1: in the past it just called you names and yelled 666 00:35:12,756 --> 00:35:14,356 Speaker 1: at you all the time, but you were just so 667 00:35:14,396 --> 00:35:16,476 Speaker 1: afraid of that coach you probably just gave up whatever 668 00:35:17,196 --> 00:35:18,996 Speaker 1: they were trying to get you to do it all together, 669 00:35:19,036 --> 00:35:21,076 Speaker 1: because who wants to be yelled at all the time? 670 00:35:22,956 --> 00:35:25,516 Speaker 1: I help Kristen's work on self compassion has convinced you 671 00:35:25,556 --> 00:35:27,716 Speaker 1: that a kinder approach is in order this new year. 672 00:35:28,276 --> 00:35:30,796 Speaker 1: In the episodes that follow in this mini season, we'll 673 00:35:30,836 --> 00:35:32,956 Speaker 1: turn to how we can apply the strategy to some 674 00:35:33,036 --> 00:35:35,916 Speaker 1: of our most common New Year's goals. We'll tackle topics 675 00:35:35,916 --> 00:35:39,036 Speaker 1: like food and dieting, exercise and body image, and how 676 00:35:39,076 --> 00:35:41,436 Speaker 1: to deal with our emotions. But for any of that 677 00:35:41,516 --> 00:35:43,956 Speaker 1: to make sense, we all first need to accept that 678 00:35:44,036 --> 00:35:47,036 Speaker 1: a bit more self compassion is in order. It sounds 679 00:35:47,036 --> 00:35:49,796 Speaker 1: so easy, just be a good friend to yourself, but 680 00:35:49,916 --> 00:35:52,716 Speaker 1: I know from personal experience that our reflex is to 681 00:35:52,756 --> 00:35:55,956 Speaker 1: be meaner to ourselves than any real life enemy. So 682 00:35:55,996 --> 00:35:58,316 Speaker 1: I want you to take some self compassion baby steps 683 00:35:58,516 --> 00:36:01,596 Speaker 1: right away. Find the right words and use a nicer 684 00:36:01,636 --> 00:36:04,476 Speaker 1: tone when you talk to yourself. It takes practice, but 685 00:36:04,556 --> 00:36:08,156 Speaker 1: the research shows you can become a kind coach. And 686 00:36:08,236 --> 00:36:11,156 Speaker 1: if you need more points, I highly recommend Kristen's awesome 687 00:36:11,196 --> 00:36:14,676 Speaker 1: books and her step by step self compassion meditations. You 688 00:36:14,716 --> 00:36:16,676 Speaker 1: should also be sure to check out her new book, 689 00:36:16,876 --> 00:36:25,116 Speaker 1: Fierce Self Compassion, which is hitting stores this June. The 690 00:36:25,196 --> 00:36:28,076 Speaker 1: Happiness Lab is co written and produced by Ryan Dilley. 691 00:36:28,236 --> 00:36:30,796 Speaker 1: The show was mastered by Evan Viola and our original 692 00:36:30,876 --> 00:36:34,436 Speaker 1: music was composed by Zachary Silver. Special thanks to the 693 00:36:34,596 --> 00:36:39,196 Speaker 1: entire Pushkin crew, including Mia LaBelle, Charlie Migliori, Heather Faine, 694 00:36:39,476 --> 00:36:43,596 Speaker 1: Sophie Crane, mckibbon, Eric Sandler, Jacob Weisberg, and my agent, 695 00:36:43,756 --> 00:36:46,636 Speaker 1: Ben Davis. The Happiness Lab is brought to you by 696 00:36:46,676 --> 00:36:49,436 Speaker 1: Pushkin Industries and NIF Doctor Laurie Santos