1 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:06,000 Speaker 1: We were eight hundred thousand dollars in debt and leans 2 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,560 Speaker 1: on the house, and I was rising to the moment 3 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,680 Speaker 1: like a dysfunctional human being. I was drinking myself into 4 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:16,320 Speaker 1: the ground. I was blaming everything on my husband, and 5 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:20,560 Speaker 1: the simplest things like getting out of bed, opening up bills, 6 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,560 Speaker 1: asking for help. I couldn't make myself do any of it. 7 00:00:24,079 --> 00:00:27,720 Speaker 1: And the very next morning, when the alarm rang, That's 8 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: what I remembered, and I tried it, and it changed 9 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,880 Speaker 1: my life, and it led to this belief that your 10 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:37,160 Speaker 1: one decision away from a different life. 11 00:00:38,159 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 2: That was Mel Robbins sharing what it looks like to 12 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:44,559 Speaker 2: hit rock bottom and the extraordinary power of taking one 13 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:48,919 Speaker 2: small step forward. In this special episode of My Legacy, 14 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:52,919 Speaker 2: we're diving into the raw, unfiltered truth about what it 15 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,360 Speaker 2: means to fail forward. Hosts Martin Luther King the Third, 16 00:00:56,800 --> 00:01:01,480 Speaker 2: Andrea Waters, King, Mark Kielberger, and Craig Urger bring together 17 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:05,600 Speaker 2: the most powerful stories from past guests, moments where failure 18 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:09,640 Speaker 2: didn't break them, it built them. Comedian and Emmy Winner 19 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:13,479 Speaker 2: writer Larry Wilmore on getting fired teaching him what breaks 20 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,800 Speaker 2: you can remake you, and Sarah Jakes Roberts on how 21 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:21,200 Speaker 2: healing isn't a dramatic Hollywood moment, it's small, intentional steps. 22 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:24,600 Speaker 2: But first, Mel Robbins on how to take that first 23 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,240 Speaker 2: step when your life is spiraling out of control. 24 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:32,319 Speaker 3: Meil, your career is rooted in reinvention and in resilience. 25 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,240 Speaker 3: You've also shared that you hit rock bottom and that 26 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,319 Speaker 3: was your catalyst for change. Can you tell us about that? 27 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,560 Speaker 1: You know, Sawyer was very gracious and uh talking about 28 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,080 Speaker 1: the good things. There were a lot of bad things, 29 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:50,200 Speaker 1: and we have had a lot of I would call 30 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:53,320 Speaker 1: it like invisible distance in our relationship. You know how 31 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,040 Speaker 1: when you have somebody that you love very deeply and 32 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:59,760 Speaker 1: you just wish that you could be closer, You wish 33 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,600 Speaker 1: you could have more fun, you wish it just sort 34 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,280 Speaker 1: of was more of a well oiled machine and nuts like. 35 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:10,959 Speaker 1: And I screwed up a lot of stuff. I mean, 36 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,359 Speaker 1: I had ADHD in dyslexia and was not diagnosed till 37 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:17,520 Speaker 1: I was forty seven. And when that happens to you, 38 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,480 Speaker 1: what you develop is anxiety. And so I had a 39 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:25,919 Speaker 1: chronic struggle with anxiety as a young mom. When Sawyer 40 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:29,880 Speaker 1: was born, I had severe postpartum depression. I could barely 41 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:33,399 Speaker 1: even hold her for the first three months of her 42 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:38,920 Speaker 1: life because of the medication and the severity of what 43 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:45,240 Speaker 1: I was dealing with, and it impacted our relationship. And 44 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:49,240 Speaker 1: when I was forty one years old, I was sitting 45 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,960 Speaker 1: here listening to Sawyer talking about the radio show, and 46 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,600 Speaker 1: I'm so thrilled that she has a wonderful memory of it, 47 00:02:54,639 --> 00:02:56,440 Speaker 1: because that was during a moment in time where my 48 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,639 Speaker 1: life was falling apart. And when that happens to you 49 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,040 Speaker 1: as a you do everything that you can to try 50 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,680 Speaker 1: to shield the reality of what's happening from your children, 51 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:08,840 Speaker 1: because that's not their burden to carry. And what was 52 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,440 Speaker 1: happening for us is my husband had gone into the 53 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,520 Speaker 1: restaurant business and it was really good until it wasn't. 54 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,680 Speaker 1: And at the age of forty one with three kids 55 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,520 Speaker 1: under the age of ten, so you know, I'm gonna 56 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,920 Speaker 1: have to do the math you were under ten years old. 57 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,799 Speaker 1: We were eight hundred thousand dollars in debt and leans 58 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,360 Speaker 1: on the house, and I was rising to the moment 59 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:34,480 Speaker 1: like a dysfunctional human being. I was drinking myself into 60 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:36,720 Speaker 1: the ground. I was blaming everything on my husband, right 61 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:41,680 Speaker 1: because he tried to do this and the simplest things 62 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:49,040 Speaker 1: like getting out of bed, opening up bills, asking for help. 63 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,360 Speaker 1: I couldn't make myself do any of it, and I 64 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:56,640 Speaker 1: was the worst parent. I mean there were times where 65 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,280 Speaker 1: she would come downstairs and this, I know you do 66 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:03,280 Speaker 1: remember she would find Chris and I a sleep in 67 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 1: the living room chair because we had passed out from bourbon, 68 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:10,480 Speaker 1: because we were trying to just suppress all the fear 69 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,480 Speaker 1: because it was just so overwhelming. I mean, when you 70 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,640 Speaker 1: can barely put gas in the tank and food on 71 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:19,840 Speaker 1: the table, I mean, that's acute level of stress. And 72 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,080 Speaker 1: then you add on to it the sense that you're 73 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:25,760 Speaker 1: failing your kids and you're about to lose everything. And 74 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:30,880 Speaker 1: so for me, it was paralysis. And what happened is, 75 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:35,479 Speaker 1: you know, I have learned from people who are first 76 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:40,080 Speaker 1: murdered that researched this. There's a saying in addiction treatment 77 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 1: and psychiatry that people only get sober when being drunk 78 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: is harder than facing the things that you're scared to face. 79 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:53,200 Speaker 1: And what I've also learned about myself and human beings 80 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:58,520 Speaker 1: in general, is people only change when they're ready to change. 81 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:02,160 Speaker 1: And if somebody your life is not changing or they're 82 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:08,600 Speaker 1: exhibiting challenging behavior, it's typically because they can't right now. 83 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,360 Speaker 1: There's some skill that's missing. There's hope that's missing, and 84 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,640 Speaker 1: for me, that was a big one. What was missing 85 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,200 Speaker 1: for me is this hope that anything that I did 86 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:22,080 Speaker 1: would actually matter. Because when your problems feel that big, like, 87 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,920 Speaker 1: what happens is despair sets in and it's very hard 88 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,040 Speaker 1: to motivate yourself when you feel like it's not going 89 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,800 Speaker 1: to matter anyway. And that's how I felt. Because what 90 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,760 Speaker 1: happened for me is that alarm would go off and 91 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,080 Speaker 1: I'd feel the wave of anxiety because I'm eight hundred 92 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:39,400 Speaker 1: grand in debt. I'm basically like feel like my life 93 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 1: is about to implode. And so what do I do. 94 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:44,200 Speaker 1: I rot in bed, I stare at the ceiling, I 95 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:48,160 Speaker 1: think about all my problems. I then hit the snooze button, which, 96 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:52,159 Speaker 1: by the way, is making procrastination the first decision of 97 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,000 Speaker 1: your day. I mean, I mean, how are you going 98 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,000 Speaker 1: to win in life if your first decision is I 99 00:05:56,040 --> 00:06:00,080 Speaker 1: think I'll just avoid getting out of bed. And what 100 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,320 Speaker 1: happened is I would literally hit the snooze button four 101 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,120 Speaker 1: or five times in the morning, and then these guys 102 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:08,039 Speaker 1: would miss a bus. You probably don't remember this, but 103 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,800 Speaker 1: then I would thank God, and then I would come 104 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:14,280 Speaker 1: racing out of the bedroom like a lunatic because they 105 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:17,000 Speaker 1: would be waking me up. Bus would be gone. Chris 106 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:18,520 Speaker 1: was a very smart man. He didn't want to be 107 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,120 Speaker 1: there when I woke up. I mean, Martin right, and 108 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:28,640 Speaker 1: so smart, and so you know, he didn't want to 109 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,599 Speaker 1: be there when I got up, and so they would 110 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,080 Speaker 1: be waking me up. And so now I'm yelling at 111 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:38,159 Speaker 1: them because I am disconnected from here because I don't 112 00:06:38,279 --> 00:06:42,719 Speaker 1: understand what anxiety actually is and what it isn't and 113 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:46,200 Speaker 1: I couldn't reconnect with myself and that's also part of 114 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:50,960 Speaker 1: the neurology and the physiology of it, but you can 115 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,919 Speaker 1: reconnect to yourself. And so they would then miss a bus. 116 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,560 Speaker 1: Then that's just sent my whole day just down a 117 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:03,479 Speaker 1: complete wrong way. And so what happened is I just 118 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:08,960 Speaker 1: got this idea that maybe if I moved fast enough 119 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:14,600 Speaker 1: when the alarm rang, that I could move fast enough 120 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,520 Speaker 1: and beat the anxiety. That maybe if the alarm rang 121 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,280 Speaker 1: and I launched myself out of bed like a rocket ship, 122 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,160 Speaker 1: like literally like NASA five four three two one, that 123 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,240 Speaker 1: if I launched myself, maybe I wouldn't be in that 124 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,120 Speaker 1: bed when the anxiety and the depression and the overwhelm hit. 125 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:36,120 Speaker 1: And it worked, and what it taught me, and this 126 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:39,120 Speaker 1: has been the thing that has really defined a lot 127 00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,600 Speaker 1: of my career, is that you can build a skill 128 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 1: in life where you learn to not let your emotions 129 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:52,200 Speaker 1: and fears about things dictate what you do. That you 130 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 1: are not defined by how you feel. You are not 131 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,160 Speaker 1: defined by your emotion in the moment. I mean, if 132 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,880 Speaker 1: you really think about it, you can't be courageous without fear. 133 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,680 Speaker 1: You can't display confidence without self doubt. 134 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,720 Speaker 4: One of the things that I say to our daughter 135 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,640 Speaker 4: all the time is that courage is not the absence 136 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:09,080 Speaker 4: of fear. 137 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,560 Speaker 2: It's when you do it anyway. 138 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,400 Speaker 4: Yes, so it's not not feeling when we were talking 139 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,400 Speaker 4: about our grandparents, so we're talking about taking a test, 140 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:21,000 Speaker 4: you know, like it's not Lelanda not feeling it. That 141 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,760 Speaker 4: that's not courage. It's when we feel it and we 142 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:29,120 Speaker 4: do it anyway. I'm curious, what was the what was 143 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:32,840 Speaker 4: that impetus to make you even say to come up 144 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:33,319 Speaker 4: with the. 145 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:37,400 Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, okay, this is so So it's like Okay. 146 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:41,800 Speaker 1: So I was sitting in my living room and the 147 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,240 Speaker 1: kids have gone to bed, and Chris again, smart man, 148 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:45,120 Speaker 1: know where to be found. 149 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,600 Speaker 5: And uh, have. 150 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,040 Speaker 1: You ever had a moment where you're giving yourself a 151 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,839 Speaker 1: pep talk? I mean, that is a low moment. It's 152 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:55,480 Speaker 1: one thing if you're giving me advice, but if you're 153 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:56,720 Speaker 1: having to talk to yourself. 154 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:57,000 Speaker 2: Right. 155 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,439 Speaker 1: So I'm sitting there, I'm like, all right, that's it, mel. 156 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,320 Speaker 5: Tomorrow morning, it's a new you. Tomorrow morning. 157 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:05,320 Speaker 1: You're calling your parents and you're telling them what's happened. 158 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 5: Tomorrow morning. 159 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:07,840 Speaker 1: You're gonna start exercising. 160 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:08,480 Speaker 5: Tomorrow morning. 161 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:12,240 Speaker 1: You gotta look for a job. Oh well, I keep 162 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:15,240 Speaker 1: ticking off the list and then I get to and 163 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,760 Speaker 1: by God, tomorrow morning, when that alarm rings, woman, you're 164 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:21,200 Speaker 1: not gonna lay there in bed like a human pot roast, 165 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:25,440 Speaker 1: marinating in fear. You are going to get up and 166 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,959 Speaker 1: get those kids on that bus. And at that exact moment, 167 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:32,880 Speaker 1: a rocket ship shot across the television screen at the 168 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,400 Speaker 1: end of a commercial, and it gave me this hair 169 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:40,439 Speaker 1: brain idea. That's it. It must be a sign from God. 170 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,640 Speaker 1: Tomorrow morning, when the alarm rings, I'm just gonna launch 171 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:47,440 Speaker 1: myself out of bed like a rocket ship. Now I 172 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:51,679 Speaker 1: had had four Bourbon Manhattan that night, probably you know 173 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:54,000 Speaker 1: what also opened me up to it. But I actually 174 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:58,280 Speaker 1: do believe it was divine intervention. There is no other 175 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:02,880 Speaker 1: explanation because the eye idea is absurd. And the very 176 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:06,640 Speaker 1: next morning, when the alarm rang, that's what I remembered, 177 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,920 Speaker 1: and I tried it, and it changed my life, and 178 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,160 Speaker 1: it led to this belief that your one decision away 179 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:17,880 Speaker 1: from a different life, that you still have to do 180 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,760 Speaker 1: the work and five four three two one is going 181 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 1: to help you push through. 182 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:25,040 Speaker 3: The work came out. We all know five four three 183 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:28,800 Speaker 3: two one, right, the world, Yeah, the detective read the book. 184 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 3: We all love it. I actually want to turn it 185 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:34,360 Speaker 3: to you, so it okay. So when those moments happened 186 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,760 Speaker 3: that the world now knows that story. Was there a 187 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:42,920 Speaker 3: moment that you saw your mom in that transformation and 188 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 3: you said I want that strength in my life. 189 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:54,400 Speaker 6: A single moment. Probably not, I feel like I don't 190 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:59,520 Speaker 6: remember necessarily a single moment that was like I want 191 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,360 Speaker 6: I want that strength. I want to be as smart, 192 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:07,640 Speaker 6: as brilliant, as confident as her and just so loved. 193 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,880 Speaker 6: But I think it was honestly the little things that 194 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:17,680 Speaker 6: added up. I think it was the I think it 195 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 6: was truly like all the small interactions, and I think 196 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,360 Speaker 6: overhearing her on meetings and just like all of you 197 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:31,240 Speaker 6: have said, like she's just brilliant and as are you. Oh, 198 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:31,679 Speaker 6: thank you. 199 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,400 Speaker 3: And did you notice that transformation, that moment that she 200 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:44,319 Speaker 3: described from the anxiety, the stress, the to that change. 201 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:48,040 Speaker 3: But candidly like and partially I even love the fact 202 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,000 Speaker 3: that there wasn't a moment, because I even not only 203 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,160 Speaker 3: changed my question because I think we so often envision 204 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:58,520 Speaker 3: change being dramatic, the heroine arising, the melodramatic music in 205 00:11:58,559 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 3: the Hollywood moment, and instead maybe it was to your 206 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:02,960 Speaker 3: point of series of small things and that's where the 207 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,040 Speaker 3: puff found changes because it adds up. 208 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,520 Speaker 6: Yeah, I think. I mean, I've always looked up to 209 00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:14,240 Speaker 6: her more than anyone in the world, and I think 210 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,560 Speaker 6: it was hard because she was always gone in high 211 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,840 Speaker 6: school and so I didn't really know what she was doing. 212 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,240 Speaker 6: I've seen one or two times of her speaking, and 213 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,960 Speaker 6: during those times, I was like, Wow, that's my mother 214 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:31,520 Speaker 6: up there and seeing in her element, which was incredible. 215 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:35,520 Speaker 1: Let me, you can address two things here because I 216 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,920 Speaker 1: don't think changing your life is glamorous, and I don't 217 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:40,400 Speaker 1: think anybody notices when you do it right. I think 218 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:45,920 Speaker 1: it's a grueling process. And Chris and I protected our 219 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,679 Speaker 1: kids as best we could because I remember the morning 220 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,319 Speaker 1: they found us when we had passed out in the chairs, 221 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:54,480 Speaker 1: and I'm like, I can't expose them to this. I 222 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,600 Speaker 1: have a responsibility to at least pull it together for. 223 00:12:57,559 --> 00:12:59,040 Speaker 5: Them, and. 224 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:08,839 Speaker 1: Sawyer is painting the story with a beautiful brush. And 225 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,320 Speaker 1: it also created a lot of heartbreak for us, because 226 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:16,200 Speaker 1: ultimately my husband left the restaurant business and was a 227 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,720 Speaker 1: full time stay at home dad, and I was off 228 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,920 Speaker 1: on the road saying yes, yes, yes, yes, yes to 229 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:25,520 Speaker 1: everything I could because I was the breadwinner. And we 230 00:13:25,559 --> 00:13:28,400 Speaker 1: went through so many things in our marriage because I 231 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,640 Speaker 1: resented the fact that I was in that position, and 232 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,120 Speaker 1: I was mad that I was on the road all 233 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,000 Speaker 1: the time, and I was scared about our finances. And 234 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,680 Speaker 1: I also feel like our marriage is ours, it's not 235 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 1: their business. And so I'm happy to hear that we 236 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,560 Speaker 1: insulated them from a lot of it, But the truth 237 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,400 Speaker 1: is me not being there created a lot of distance, 238 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,680 Speaker 1: and this is a huge issue inside of relationships between 239 00:13:52,679 --> 00:13:57,720 Speaker 1: parents and children, the tension between admiring somebody, and also 240 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:02,040 Speaker 1: the mismatch of what I'm providing versus what she needs. 241 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:06,280 Speaker 1: And I did not provide what she needed. I had 242 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,960 Speaker 1: certain examples that I gave about hard work, but I 243 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:13,480 Speaker 1: wasn't there, and when I was there, I wasn't present 244 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:16,840 Speaker 1: like a lot of parents that are working, or if 245 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,280 Speaker 1: you're a single parent and you're stressed out all the time, 246 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,160 Speaker 1: the your kids are the only people that are going 247 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,000 Speaker 1: to remember that you worked. No one else is going to. 248 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:30,520 Speaker 1: And I very much regret the amount of time that 249 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:34,200 Speaker 1: I stayed on the road because there came a point 250 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:38,280 Speaker 1: in time where I was making enough money and we 251 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:41,200 Speaker 1: were being super responsible and shoving a lot of it 252 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,800 Speaker 1: back into savings, and so we were back in a 253 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:49,280 Speaker 1: safe territory financially that I could have started to have 254 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,560 Speaker 1: better boundaries with work, and I didn't, And it did 255 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:57,840 Speaker 1: create a real distance between us because I wasn't there, 256 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:02,040 Speaker 1: and I didn't do a good job because I was 257 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,200 Speaker 1: constantly onage, constantly stressed. And there's this thing I've learned 258 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:08,600 Speaker 1: recently that I wish we had all known, because I 259 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:12,240 Speaker 1: would always blame my bad behavior or my bad mood 260 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:16,360 Speaker 1: on work, and that's not an excuse. And one of 261 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,640 Speaker 1: the things that I've learned recently that I wish they 262 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,440 Speaker 1: would always be, like, don't use that tone with me, 263 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,680 Speaker 1: or like just because it happened at work, don't bring 264 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:25,840 Speaker 1: it here. But there's a great way to say this 265 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:28,520 Speaker 1: to somebody, which is I'm really sorry about what your 266 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:30,080 Speaker 1: stress at work did to you, but you're going to 267 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,800 Speaker 1: have to apologize for how your work stress is impacting me. 268 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:39,400 Speaker 1: And I was chief offender in that regard of taking 269 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,920 Speaker 1: my stress out of my family. Why because I didn't know. 270 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,400 Speaker 1: I didn't have the tools yet. I just knew how 271 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,120 Speaker 1: to push myself five four three two one five four 272 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,440 Speaker 1: three two one. 273 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,200 Speaker 2: Up next the hilarious Larry Wilmore and how he didn't 274 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,920 Speaker 2: let failure in the story, he let it help him 275 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:55,600 Speaker 2: rewrite it. 276 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,400 Speaker 4: Now back to my legacy, Laria. 277 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:08,360 Speaker 7: You've certainly had many ups and downs in your career, 278 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 7: for sure. Often the most important lessons that we learn 279 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:16,760 Speaker 7: come from our challenging times. Can you share what has 280 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:22,160 Speaker 7: been your most challenging experience and what has been emerged 281 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:23,960 Speaker 7: from that experience. 282 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:28,840 Speaker 8: Yeah, I've had many of them, many times people think 283 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,640 Speaker 8: your career is just this line that goes like that, 284 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,520 Speaker 8: but it really isn't. Some of my biggest ones was 285 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:37,000 Speaker 8: I was fired from the Bernie mac Show after I 286 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,360 Speaker 8: won every word you could possibly win, and I was 287 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,760 Speaker 8: in a fight with the network the whole time, and 288 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,920 Speaker 8: it was just one of my lowest points, and you know, 289 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,960 Speaker 8: I was you know, my personal life wasn't going to 290 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,920 Speaker 8: well at the time too. You know, we're trying to 291 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,480 Speaker 8: my wife and I were trying to figure out what 292 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,440 Speaker 8: was going on, and I just felt so isolated and 293 00:16:55,560 --> 00:17:00,560 Speaker 8: just really really down. But I just relied on just 294 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,920 Speaker 8: doing the basics. You know. We spent a lot of 295 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,640 Speaker 8: time at that point. You know, Laren doesn't know about 296 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:07,680 Speaker 8: a lot of these things, but we just worked on 297 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,560 Speaker 8: our marriage for a long time, and doing the work 298 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,119 Speaker 8: of that just really helped, you know, we just it 299 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,479 Speaker 8: gets you out of the thinking about bad things, you know, 300 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:19,600 Speaker 8: and remembering why I liked the business and going forward. 301 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,080 Speaker 8: Getting fired from the Burner Max Show actually opened the 302 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,640 Speaker 8: door to me working on the office, to me being 303 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:28,320 Speaker 8: on the Daily show, to me expanding the things that 304 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:32,399 Speaker 8: I wanted to do all along. But you know, I 305 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,560 Speaker 8: didn't I was going down that road, and it was 306 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:38,120 Speaker 8: very instrumental for me to be to feel so low emotionally, 307 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,080 Speaker 8: but to know that I had love around me. You know, 308 00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:44,320 Speaker 8: I had support, guys you have. It was amazing the 309 00:17:44,359 --> 00:17:47,760 Speaker 8: outpouring of love of support just from show biz, from luminaries, 310 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,560 Speaker 8: people like James L. Brooks. I remember Stephen Boschko reached 311 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,440 Speaker 8: out to me people I didn't even know, saying it's okay, Larry, 312 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,560 Speaker 8: We're with you, hanging in there. 313 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:55,080 Speaker 5: You're great. 314 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,280 Speaker 8: You know, the work you're doing is great, let alone 315 00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:01,040 Speaker 8: from friends. But the most important thing was family. And 316 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,560 Speaker 8: even when my wife and I split, when we were 317 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,840 Speaker 8: talking to the kids, we both understood how lucky we 318 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:10,199 Speaker 8: were to have a family that had love first, you know. 319 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,480 Speaker 8: And you know, even though you could be going through 320 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:17,520 Speaker 8: difficult times making difficult decisions, if you start there, you 321 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,320 Speaker 8: can make you'll be okay in the end. You know, 322 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:24,840 Speaker 8: that's always been my lifeboat. His family. Family's always the lifeboat, 323 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,600 Speaker 8: you know, And all the other stuff. 324 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,880 Speaker 4: Is around that now, Larry, I know that it's hard 325 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:31,920 Speaker 4: to select just one project that you would be most 326 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,040 Speaker 4: proud of outside of your beautiful children, But is there 327 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:39,880 Speaker 4: one that you felt particularly was significant because of how 328 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,560 Speaker 4: many obstacles or setbacks that you had to overcome to 329 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:44,520 Speaker 4: make it happen. 330 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,680 Speaker 8: Yeah. I probably go back to the Bernie Mac Show, 331 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,480 Speaker 8: you know, to quote from Dickens. It was the best 332 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,200 Speaker 8: of times, it was the worst of times, you know. 333 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,800 Speaker 8: So it took me. I'll tell this story real quick. 334 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,280 Speaker 8: It took I was in an office where I had 335 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:59,359 Speaker 8: like an overall deal a Disney that had expired, but 336 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,119 Speaker 8: I was still going to the office, just waving at 337 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,040 Speaker 8: the guard, getting on the last and just kind of 338 00:19:04,119 --> 00:19:09,280 Speaker 8: hiding out. Guys, I'm not exaggerating. For four and a 339 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:13,040 Speaker 8: half weeks, I never turned in anything or something. I 340 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:16,320 Speaker 8: wrote the same three pages every day. I could not 341 00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:18,840 Speaker 8: get past page three. This is four and a half weeks. 342 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,440 Speaker 8: You know I'm gonna get found out. You know they're 343 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,760 Speaker 8: gonna realize I'm a fraud. I'm scared. Every day now, 344 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,919 Speaker 8: I'm hiding in my office all the time. I just 345 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,320 Speaker 8: couldn't get it. Some days I didn't write anything, banging 346 00:19:28,359 --> 00:19:31,800 Speaker 8: my head against the wall. And then one day I 347 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,879 Speaker 8: was I looked up and I was on page four, 348 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,239 Speaker 8: and I was like, oh, and something had clicked, and 349 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:40,520 Speaker 8: it just poured out of me the entire show in 350 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,479 Speaker 8: thirty six hours. I couldn't stop writing. It was and 351 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,159 Speaker 8: it was during the counting of the votes down in 352 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,159 Speaker 8: Florida with you remember Bush in that election. I was 353 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,720 Speaker 8: watching that as I'm as I'm typing, and that script 354 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,560 Speaker 8: ended up winning an Emmy, you know, a year and 355 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,919 Speaker 8: a half later and almost intact from that moment, and 356 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,240 Speaker 8: I just had Claire in that moment, you know, I 357 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,440 Speaker 8: just it took so hard to get it, but it 358 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,639 Speaker 8: just took trust. I was so proud of myself for 359 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,040 Speaker 8: doing that and just sticking in there, because I there 360 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,479 Speaker 8: could have been many moments. I mean when you're feeling 361 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,600 Speaker 8: really low, especially as a creative person, and you feel 362 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,800 Speaker 8: all alone, you know, and everyone's going to judge something 363 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,560 Speaker 8: you're doing is terrible. I mean, you're going through all 364 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:22,280 Speaker 8: the worst things that every writer has. You feel that 365 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,800 Speaker 8: way anyway, It doesn't matter what the project is, you 366 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:27,159 Speaker 8: you know, finally everybody's going to find out that the 367 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,800 Speaker 8: piece of craft that I already know that I am, 368 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,879 Speaker 8: you know. But when I when I broke through, I 369 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,200 Speaker 8: was so proud of the fact that I stuck in there, 370 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,000 Speaker 8: and it became like a template for other writers and 371 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,080 Speaker 8: that sort of thing, you know, and so I was 372 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:41,119 Speaker 8: very proud of that moment. 373 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:45,719 Speaker 3: You have played so many iconic roles you obviously, among 374 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:52,200 Speaker 3: the most iconic is the very sarcastic, hilarious Slack seeing 375 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,159 Speaker 3: your black Horse Senior Black correspondent of course from the 376 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,720 Speaker 3: Daily Show. Can you bring us some of your favorite 377 00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:59,120 Speaker 3: memories from those from those. 378 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,879 Speaker 8: Show man so many you know, just working with all 379 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,680 Speaker 8: those talented people. I was just so lucky to be there. 380 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,400 Speaker 8: I mean, I started right after John Oliver it started 381 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,720 Speaker 8: writing rob Rego and also Momby. We all kind of 382 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:11,800 Speaker 8: started at the same time. 383 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:13,479 Speaker 5: You know. 384 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,760 Speaker 8: My audition was was funny because it wasn't quite an audition, 385 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,800 Speaker 8: but I met with John and we had talked about 386 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:24,240 Speaker 8: doing something because that's when I was looking to start 387 00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:27,359 Speaker 8: kind of performing again. I was in that transition point 388 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:28,960 Speaker 8: and we thought it would be something fun. We weren't 389 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:32,000 Speaker 8: quite sure. They thought, well, maybe you're like a black Republican. 390 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,280 Speaker 8: I was like, no, I don't want to just be 391 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,440 Speaker 8: anti South them. And then someone said Senior Black Cords 392 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,480 Speaker 8: Final and that just sounded really funny. And so what 393 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:42,479 Speaker 8: they says, we'll write two things and we'll just do 394 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,400 Speaker 8: them you know, we'll take we'll tape one and we'll 395 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:45,800 Speaker 8: do the other one in the show. And so we 396 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,760 Speaker 8: wrote them. And when you're trying to find it, you're 397 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,080 Speaker 8: not sure what you are or what that type of thing, 398 00:21:50,119 --> 00:21:52,439 Speaker 8: you tend to overwrite it. And I remember during rehearsal. 399 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,439 Speaker 8: Rehearsal went horrible. I mean as a comedian, especially as 400 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:59,399 Speaker 8: a performer. It was just too overwritten and nobody's laughing, 401 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,919 Speaker 8: and it's that point where the crew isn't kind of 402 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,879 Speaker 8: looking at you because you know, it's like it's like 403 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,600 Speaker 8: how you don't name certain farm animals because they might 404 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:08,960 Speaker 8: be food one day, so you don't want to get 405 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,880 Speaker 8: too close to them, you like, so making sure they're 406 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,800 Speaker 8: not gonna get too close to me. You know this guy, 407 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,840 Speaker 8: he may not stick around, and you can just feel 408 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:16,720 Speaker 8: that you're not connecting. 409 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:17,920 Speaker 5: And so I was kind of down. 410 00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:20,520 Speaker 8: And then I found out, you know, before air, that 411 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,520 Speaker 8: they were going to cut one of the pieces we're playing. 412 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:24,040 Speaker 8: I'm like, well, I'm not going to be on this show. 413 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,359 Speaker 8: And then uh, they decided to do one piece. And 414 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,680 Speaker 8: right before air, John goes through this rewrite and he 415 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,560 Speaker 8: says he brought me and he said, hey, man, let's 416 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,439 Speaker 8: just go through this, and he said, let's just put it, 417 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,359 Speaker 8: just talk it through. And I really just put it 418 00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:39,359 Speaker 8: in my voice and I'm working off of John and 419 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:42,240 Speaker 8: we're doing it like that, and we really got it tight. 420 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:44,440 Speaker 8: And right before we went on, I was sitting there 421 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:46,840 Speaker 8: and he said, hey man, I was little numbers. She said, 422 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:48,840 Speaker 8: just look in the camera and just f and give 423 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,000 Speaker 8: it to America. That's what he took me. And I 424 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:55,840 Speaker 8: was like, okay. And so the first joke, huge laugh 425 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:57,960 Speaker 8: and as now my comedian in seems to take it over, 426 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,399 Speaker 8: like okay, this is like I got you guys know, 427 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:02,640 Speaker 8: and it's like dam bam bam. And now the crew 428 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,600 Speaker 8: is likes a brother now, you know, the crew is 429 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,680 Speaker 8: like where did this guy can? Where he When did 430 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:09,639 Speaker 8: he sneak in the door? 431 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:09,879 Speaker 2: You know? 432 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:12,720 Speaker 8: And I'll never forget that, and I'll never forget John's 433 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:16,199 Speaker 8: generosity knowing that I needed a little boost at that 434 00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:18,480 Speaker 8: time and just saying, hey man, don't worry about this. 435 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:20,639 Speaker 8: Just you know what you're doing, you know. And it 436 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:21,480 Speaker 8: was so nice too. 437 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:26,400 Speaker 2: We're sharing the most inspiring lessons from the voices you love. 438 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,880 Speaker 2: Subscribe now. It's the best way to support the show, 439 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:32,240 Speaker 2: and please share with someone in your life who could 440 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:32,840 Speaker 2: really use. 441 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:42,240 Speaker 3: This right now, now back to my legacy. 442 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:47,600 Speaker 4: Now, I'm going to turn to your husband, because you've 443 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:51,119 Speaker 4: said in the past that toxic relationships used to be 444 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:56,240 Speaker 4: your drug of choice. I want to know what helped 445 00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:59,760 Speaker 4: you finally break that pattern. 446 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,560 Speaker 9: I think what really helped me was really realizing that 447 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,960 Speaker 9: the toxic relationship wasn't with the other person, it was 448 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:11,160 Speaker 9: with myself. Like I think that part of the reason 449 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:15,879 Speaker 9: why I was so drawn to people who I felt 450 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:19,240 Speaker 9: like I could save or make better, or who could 451 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,520 Speaker 9: ad it worth or value to me if they were 452 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:26,080 Speaker 9: able to be loyal and significant, significantly present in my 453 00:24:26,119 --> 00:24:29,280 Speaker 9: life was because I felt so devalued myself. 454 00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:31,040 Speaker 5: I was so insecure myself. 455 00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:35,080 Speaker 9: I was so frustrated with who I was that that 456 00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:38,600 Speaker 9: person became a distraction and a trophy that would make 457 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:41,360 Speaker 9: me feel better if ever they would just get it together. 458 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:45,880 Speaker 9: And so I made the pursuit of them my focus 459 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:48,760 Speaker 9: instead of really trying to figure out who I was. 460 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,560 Speaker 9: And there was really one thought that really changed my life, 461 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:55,960 Speaker 9: but it was after I we got into a really 462 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:59,879 Speaker 9: bad argument and the police recalled. So maybe more than 463 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:04,840 Speaker 9: argument and I had to go to CPS to just 464 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,040 Speaker 9: tell them, like, hey, the kids are okay, you guys 465 00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,080 Speaker 9: can continue to check in on me, because the police 466 00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:11,119 Speaker 9: had been involved. And I was walking out of that 467 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:14,399 Speaker 9: CPS office and I just said, I can do better 468 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:16,960 Speaker 9: than this. I can do better than this. And it 469 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,280 Speaker 9: wasn't like I thought, I'm gonna be a New York 470 00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:21,760 Speaker 9: Times bestselling author and I'm gonna host an event with 471 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:25,720 Speaker 9: forty thousand people. I meant, I can avoid going to 472 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:30,040 Speaker 9: CPS offices, I can avoid getting so angry that the 473 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:33,399 Speaker 9: police are called on me. I can do better than this. 474 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,800 Speaker 9: And I just did what was a little bit better 475 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,119 Speaker 9: than that, and then I would get on that level 476 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:41,760 Speaker 9: and I would think I could probably do a little 477 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:43,679 Speaker 9: bit better than this. I moved back home with my 478 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,879 Speaker 9: parents and I had the kids, and I thought, well, 479 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,359 Speaker 9: if I could just get my own place, and better 480 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:53,119 Speaker 9: and better and better just became my pursuit. Not better 481 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:58,439 Speaker 9: for the pursuit of moments like this, but just better, 482 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:02,760 Speaker 9: because I just felt like, anything is better than this, 483 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,560 Speaker 9: you know, anything is better than this. And if to 484 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:09,199 Speaker 9: not pursue better is to move backwards. And I was 485 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,919 Speaker 9: moving backwards quickly, and I think that that's what we 486 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,439 Speaker 9: have to understand in these toxic relationships, whether it's with 487 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:16,119 Speaker 9: ourselves or. 488 00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:16,640 Speaker 5: With other people. 489 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,119 Speaker 9: Cause you gonna have a toxic relationship with yourself that 490 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:21,280 Speaker 9: makes you just get degree after d d, degree after 491 00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:23,360 Speaker 9: degree because you think that's gonna make you feel better. 492 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:26,639 Speaker 9: A toxic relationship that makes you achieve and pour yourself 493 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:29,119 Speaker 9: out every Anyone who's dealing with some type of trauma 494 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:33,480 Speaker 9: that is unresolved may have a toxic relationship somewhere, but better. 495 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:37,120 Speaker 9: It's just I think I can experience better health than 496 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:41,160 Speaker 9: where I currently am, and I'm really grateful for who 497 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,160 Speaker 9: I am now on the inside. Like I I've had 498 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:45,959 Speaker 9: all of these different things happen to me. I have 499 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:49,080 Speaker 9: not changed my bio on Instagram. My bio is the 500 00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:51,879 Speaker 9: same bio that I ever had, cause like I, you know, 501 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,359 Speaker 9: the books are nice, the things are nice, but like 502 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:58,119 Speaker 9: if that ever becomes my bio for me, it just 503 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,080 Speaker 9: feels like I I miss something because I'm so proud 504 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,440 Speaker 9: of the girl who like finally figured out who Jesus is, 505 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:06,320 Speaker 9: who loves her husband, whose children are her teacher, Like 506 00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:08,280 Speaker 9: I'm so proud of who she is that that's what 507 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,359 Speaker 9: I want you to know about me more than all 508 00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:13,000 Speaker 9: of these things I achieved, because that's what I fought for, 509 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,240 Speaker 9: and that's what I thought was never possible. 510 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:17,160 Speaker 5: The other things are they're just cherries on top. 511 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:22,480 Speaker 4: Well, let's talk about something that you wrote on Instagram, 512 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:26,040 Speaker 4: because in your getting better and getting better and getting better, 513 00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:28,920 Speaker 4: at one point you thought that you didn't you did 514 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:33,560 Speaker 4: not ever want to get remarried. Oh yeah, but then 515 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,920 Speaker 4: someone changed your mind. Oh yeah, and this is what 516 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:41,760 Speaker 4: you wrote on Instagram. The vulnerability required to become one 517 00:27:42,119 --> 00:27:45,520 Speaker 4: after you fought to become whole is not often discussed. 518 00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:49,159 Speaker 4: I had to surrender my identity as a powerful single 519 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:53,000 Speaker 4: mother to discover my power as a married woman. 520 00:27:54,359 --> 00:28:00,239 Speaker 5: Yeah, nasty work. You know. Here's the thing, here's the thing. 521 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:05,119 Speaker 9: You know. I got to a space where I was healthy, 522 00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:07,439 Speaker 9: I'd bought a home for me and my children, and 523 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:10,600 Speaker 9: I thought, this is the dream. Like I thought that 524 00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:13,320 Speaker 9: getting married and having the white picket fence was the dream. 525 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,080 Speaker 9: I saw that white picket fence just keep falling off 526 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,240 Speaker 9: over and over again, and I said, you know what, fine, 527 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:19,479 Speaker 9: I love me and my mindself. 528 00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:20,600 Speaker 5: I'll travel the world. 529 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:23,480 Speaker 9: I'm still young. Everything will be fine. Then, I met 530 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:31,200 Speaker 9: this man, and in meeting him, I just I love 531 00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:34,119 Speaker 9: the way the world looked through his eyes. It was 532 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:37,960 Speaker 9: a compliment to the way the world looked through my eyes. 533 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:41,080 Speaker 9: But it also had so much more vibrancy and color, 534 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,640 Speaker 9: and there was so much more care and depth for 535 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:48,520 Speaker 9: people and opportunities. And I thought to myself, I think 536 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:51,160 Speaker 9: that he would make me better. You know, as we 537 00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,560 Speaker 9: talk about this better better, But I will say that 538 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:59,840 Speaker 9: I underestimated the transformation necessary for me to let go 539 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:02,880 Speaker 9: of the pride of being like, oh my gosh, I 540 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:05,800 Speaker 9: made it. I'm this single mother who bought this house, 541 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:07,920 Speaker 9: and I can make good decisions, and I can take 542 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:10,880 Speaker 9: care of my family. I can bring home the bacon 543 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,400 Speaker 9: and fried in a pan. And now I have someone 544 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:15,760 Speaker 9: who's like, hey, I could grab the pan, or hey, 545 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:17,960 Speaker 9: I could bring home the bacon. And I think I 546 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:20,920 Speaker 9: did have a sense of pride and identity connected to that. 547 00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,680 Speaker 9: I never wanted to need a man again. I never 548 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:26,360 Speaker 9: wanted to feel like my life would fall apart if 549 00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:27,280 Speaker 9: something happened. 550 00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:28,480 Speaker 5: And I think in the. 551 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:32,480 Speaker 9: Resistance of oneness that I could have lost out on 552 00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:36,600 Speaker 9: the opportunity to experience the beauty of oneness. 553 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:38,880 Speaker 5: And so that took a lot of work. 554 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:44,280 Speaker 9: He's got some battle scars, God bless him. But my 555 00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:47,240 Speaker 9: life woman evolved when exists if it wasn't for him, 556 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:51,440 Speaker 9: because his ability to create space for me to dream 557 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:53,800 Speaker 9: and to believe in those dreams and to say they're 558 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:57,440 Speaker 9: not crazy, they're possible, gave me the courage to actually 559 00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:02,440 Speaker 9: pursue them. So he's definitely been a north star for 560 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:04,880 Speaker 9: me for many years now. 561 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:07,040 Speaker 3: I love that you speak to women who are in 562 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:09,600 Speaker 3: the middle of it. I let this term not post breakthrough, 563 00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:13,040 Speaker 3: not post glow up. What do you want people to 564 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:18,400 Speaker 3: know about the messy middle of the journey. 565 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:21,080 Speaker 9: I think that people should know that it's all the 566 00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:27,480 Speaker 9: messy middle, you know what I mean. That's that it's 567 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:31,080 Speaker 9: all the messy middle, That there is no there, there 568 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:34,600 Speaker 9: there is no Once I do this, then that once 569 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:37,440 Speaker 9: you get there, you realize that there's another mountain, that 570 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:40,280 Speaker 9: it keeps going, that there's something else that you have 571 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:44,120 Speaker 9: to overcome. So instead of trying to get post anything, 572 00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:46,560 Speaker 9: I think the question is how do I find the 573 00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:49,880 Speaker 9: better in now? And I think that that has been 574 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:52,600 Speaker 9: one of the things that has really been instrumental for 575 00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:56,760 Speaker 9: me is recognizing that there's beauty in the messy middle. 576 00:30:57,400 --> 00:31:01,160 Speaker 9: And if I keep moving the goal post, then I'll 577 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:03,560 Speaker 9: never find peace. But if I dare to believe that 578 00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:06,600 Speaker 9: there's peace somewhere here, then all I have to do 579 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,880 Speaker 9: is start searching for where it exists. Now I just 580 00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:12,920 Speaker 9: have gone through enough to I mean, especially if you 581 00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:14,920 Speaker 9: think about my life like as a team mother. I thought, 582 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:17,520 Speaker 9: when I get married, then I'll be okay. And then 583 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:19,160 Speaker 9: I got married and I'm like, well, if he would 584 00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,040 Speaker 9: do this, then I'll be okay. And if we do that, 585 00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:22,959 Speaker 9: then I'll be okay. And then I left it and 586 00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:24,400 Speaker 9: I'm like, if I could get the house, then I'll 587 00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:25,920 Speaker 9: be okay. Then I got the house and I met 588 00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:28,040 Speaker 9: this incredible man, and it's like okay. Once I moved 589 00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:31,200 Speaker 9: to La then like it just kept moving, and so 590 00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:33,760 Speaker 9: it dawned on me this is all a part of 591 00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:36,680 Speaker 9: the journey. It's all the messy middle. But I do 592 00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:40,680 Speaker 9: believe that our lives can be scripted and cursive. And 593 00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:43,200 Speaker 9: I say it can be because a lot of times 594 00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:45,640 Speaker 9: we miss out on how things can be woven together, 595 00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:48,040 Speaker 9: We miss out on how all things can work together 596 00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:51,120 Speaker 9: because we segment our lives. We try to leave some 597 00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,400 Speaker 9: things behind. I'm gonna pretend like that never happened. I'm 598 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:57,000 Speaker 9: gonna become another person, not realizing that the beauty of 599 00:31:57,080 --> 00:32:00,200 Speaker 9: our story is the full weight of our story. And 600 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:03,080 Speaker 9: so if we can collect all of our pieces and 601 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:05,160 Speaker 9: look at the President and say, Okay, this is the 602 00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:07,400 Speaker 9: wisdom I have, the experiences I have, how do I 603 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:10,360 Speaker 9: apply it to this moment? I have found that that 604 00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:13,040 Speaker 9: is the shovel that we used to find the beauty 605 00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:13,920 Speaker 9: in the messy middle. 606 00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:17,800 Speaker 2: Thank you for joining us for the best of my legacy. 607 00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:21,400 Speaker 2: New episodes drop every Tuesday. Don't forget to subscribe so 608 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:22,480 Speaker 2: you never miss a moment.