WEBVTT - DigDeepXYZ: Is Looking For ‘The One’ Over and Done?

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to desperately devoted.

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<v Speaker 2>Think of us as your favorite neighbors as we chat

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<v Speaker 2>about life and relationships, all while.

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<v Speaker 3>We revisit the iconic show Desperate Housewives together.

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<v Speaker 4>I'm Terry Hatcher, I'm Andrea Bowen.

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<v Speaker 5>And I'm Emerson Tenny. Well, Hi, everybody. Here we are for.

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<v Speaker 3>Episode nineteen's XYZ. Episode nineteen was called Live Alone and

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<v Speaker 3>Like It, and there were lots of themes of loneliness

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<v Speaker 3>and relationships and identity. And one thing that we did

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<v Speaker 3>not get to touch on in our episode that I

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<v Speaker 3>think we were really excited to talk about here was

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<v Speaker 3>the idea.

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<v Speaker 5>Of the One. Do you believe in the One?

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<v Speaker 3>This is something that Susan says to Sophie, her mom

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<v Speaker 3>about Mike, when she says, Sophie, you know you're able

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<v Speaker 3>to move on so quickly because your last relationship was

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<v Speaker 3>just one in a long chain of men for you.

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<v Speaker 5>But Mike, Mike was the one.

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<v Speaker 3>And I know this moment stood out to all of us,

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<v Speaker 3>and I know we have a lot of thoughts about

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<v Speaker 3>does the one exist?

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<v Speaker 5>Is that a real thing? Who wants to kick us off?

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<v Speaker 2>I don't think it's a real thing. I mean I

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<v Speaker 2>think it's great if you feel that way that somebody

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<v Speaker 2>is your soulmate and just the one and you're with

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<v Speaker 2>them your whole life. And we actually have a couple

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<v Speaker 2>of family friends that have been married since they were

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<v Speaker 2>quite young, and they sure seem like the one to

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<v Speaker 2>each other.

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<v Speaker 4>So I'm not saying you can't have that.

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<v Speaker 2>Or that that isn't even something to envy and like

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<v Speaker 2>a beautiful connection. I believe you feel that someone's the

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<v Speaker 2>one because of what you do to make your relationship

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<v Speaker 2>feel that way. Like I don't believe that there just

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<v Speaker 2>is one person and you got lucky enough to meet them.

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<v Speaker 4>What do you guys think?

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<v Speaker 1>I would love to disagree so that I can represent

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<v Speaker 1>the one out there, the people who are out there

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<v Speaker 1>who do believe in the one.

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<v Speaker 4>But I fall on the same side as you do.

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<v Speaker 4>I don't.

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<v Speaker 1>I think it can be really misleading and potentially damaging

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<v Speaker 1>to go through your life thinking that you're supposed to

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<v Speaker 1>unlock the one, and if you don't, then that means

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<v Speaker 1>you're going to be alone forever. I do, however, believe

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<v Speaker 1>in soulmates, but I don't.

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<v Speaker 4>Believe too cute.

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<v Speaker 1>That's cute, but I don't believe in in only really

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<v Speaker 1>believe No, just kidding, but I don't believe in only

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<v Speaker 1>romantic soulmates, and I don't when I think of the

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<v Speaker 1>soulmates in my life. It's not limited to just my husband,

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<v Speaker 1>whom I do think of as one of my soulmates.

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<v Speaker 1>But I have that in friendships, and it's that feeling

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<v Speaker 1>of when you meet someone and you just feel this

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<v Speaker 1>connection to them, this being seen by them, being you know,

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<v Speaker 1>that's the magic of human connection when that happens. And

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<v Speaker 1>I think that to me, the word soulmate makes sense

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<v Speaker 1>for that. But no, the one as a concept is

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<v Speaker 1>something I definitely don't agree with.

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<v Speaker 3>Love. I love that you brought up the term soulmate

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<v Speaker 3>because I think soulmate and the one you know are

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<v Speaker 3>often interchangeable or get conflated. This idea of Oh, I

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<v Speaker 3>found my soulmate, I found the one that I'm gonna

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<v Speaker 3>be with forever. And I also wish I could represent

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<v Speaker 3>people who believe in that, But they are morons.

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<v Speaker 5>No, I'm just kidding, you're not.

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<v Speaker 3>And I think I do think a singular one type

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<v Speaker 3>of relationship that you find with someone and then you

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<v Speaker 3>actively continue to choose to cultivate a singular one life together.

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<v Speaker 3>I think that endeavor is beautiful and I think so

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<v Speaker 3>much meaning can be found in that, and I aspire

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<v Speaker 3>to find that in my own life. But in terms

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<v Speaker 3>of your idea about soulmates, I think I really agree

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<v Speaker 3>with you.

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<v Speaker 5>I think we have lots.

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<v Speaker 3>Of soulmates, just like I believe we have lots of

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<v Speaker 3>the one out there.

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<v Speaker 5>Now.

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<v Speaker 3>I don't think that means that you're gonna usetainly, won't.

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<v Speaker 3>I don't think experience a relationship with all of those people,

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<v Speaker 3>and certainly not a romantic relationship or a monogamous relationship.

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<v Speaker 5>That I mean now has the time exactly.

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<v Speaker 3>And this is not I'm not advocating for a polyamorous

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<v Speaker 3>dynamic like that's actually not what I personally aspire to

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<v Speaker 3>or want. But I do think the idea that there's

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<v Speaker 3>one person and then if something happened to that person

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<v Speaker 3>or if that relationship failed, you would never find another

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<v Speaker 3>person that you had a meaningful soul connection with.

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<v Speaker 5>I think that is a fallacy.

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<v Speaker 3>And there's a movie that I love so much that

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<v Speaker 3>I think is really underrated from this incredible writer, director, actor,

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<v Speaker 3>multi hyphen it Cooper Raife, who is my age and maybe.

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<v Speaker 5>One of my soulmates. No, I was just kidding.

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<v Speaker 3>But he wrote and directed and starred in alongside Dakota

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<v Speaker 3>Johnson an incredible film that came out a few years

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<v Speaker 3>ago called Chachaw Real Smooth, and it's an underrated indie

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<v Speaker 3>romance dramedy that I think is brilliant and beautifully done

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<v Speaker 3>and just tort a force.

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<v Speaker 5>I love Cooper Raife.

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<v Speaker 3>And there's a conversation between Cooper and Dakota's characters where

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<v Speaker 3>they talk about soulmates and she says, you know, do

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<v Speaker 3>you believe in soulmates? And he says, I believe that

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<v Speaker 3>we all have lots of soulmates out in the world,

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<v Speaker 3>and maybe we won't meet all of them. And Dakota

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<v Speaker 3>Johnson says, how many soulmates do you think I have?

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<v Speaker 3>And he's like, oh, maybe twelve, And she goes, how

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<v Speaker 3>many do you have?

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<v Speaker 5>And he's like, twelve hundred.

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<v Speaker 3>But I really I it was the first time I'd

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<v Speaker 3>actually seen in film an idea that I have had

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<v Speaker 3>not verbalized for myself, but carried with me for a

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<v Speaker 3>long time, put into a conversation between these two characters,

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<v Speaker 3>and it was a really beautiful, affirming moment. Which you know,

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<v Speaker 3>film at its best quality has this ability to affirm

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<v Speaker 3>beliefs and ideas that we've had and articulate them in

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<v Speaker 3>a way that we haven't been able to in our

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<v Speaker 3>wakening conscious lives. And I remember seeing that seen on

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<v Speaker 3>screen and going, Yep, that is what I believe about love.

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<v Speaker 3>We have lots of soulmates. We will meet some of them,

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<v Speaker 3>maybe we will date some of them, and then I

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<v Speaker 3>think ultimately we will decide who we want to cultivate

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<v Speaker 3>a life with.

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<v Speaker 2>But that's not think this idea though when people say that,

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<v Speaker 2>like that person is the one, Like what do you

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<v Speaker 2>think is the psychology behind that? And also like if

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<v Speaker 2>you're searching for the one, what are you doing? What

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<v Speaker 2>are you doing to find them?

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<v Speaker 4>You know?

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<v Speaker 2>And I'm kind of asking these questions because I almost

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<v Speaker 2>think there isn't an answer, but I'm I'm wondering if

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<v Speaker 2>you've witnessed anything that has been successful for somebody, because

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<v Speaker 2>I think that the only way. But you know, also,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm the one that's not been in a relationship for

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<v Speaker 2>such a long time, but I think the only way

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<v Speaker 2>you find people to connect with that may be indeed

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<v Speaker 2>your soulmate is by you know, bravely continuing to put

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<v Speaker 2>your self out there and meet people and be rejected

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<v Speaker 2>and maybe be seen by some people and maybe not

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<v Speaker 2>be seen by others. And you have to be strong

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<v Speaker 2>enough in your sense of self to keep putting yourself

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<v Speaker 2>in that position. And I feel like, especially some young

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<v Speaker 2>people are like retreating from that, like it's too scary.

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<v Speaker 2>How do you find yourself like continuing to connect?

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<v Speaker 3>I think you choose the one, you don't find the one.

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<v Speaker 3>I think you know what qualities you're looking for if

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<v Speaker 3>you want to share your life with a partner in

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<v Speaker 3>that type of way, you know what you're looking for,

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<v Speaker 3>and you have relationships and you recognize like someone who

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<v Speaker 3>has a lot of these qualities, and then you love

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<v Speaker 3>and you have a soul connection with each other enough

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<v Speaker 3>that you both agree, okay, we are going to actively

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<v Speaker 3>choose to be each other's person, each other's one through

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<v Speaker 3>this life. But I don't think that you unconsciously will

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<v Speaker 3>just stumble across someone and get struck by it and

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<v Speaker 3>they will be the one, and you will never have

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<v Speaker 3>a question about anyone else ever again, and you will

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<v Speaker 3>never look at anyone else ever again. And I think

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<v Speaker 3>the idea of the one. People who say, oh, I'm

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<v Speaker 3>out here looking for the one, I actually think comes

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<v Speaker 3>from a very insecure, possessive place in us. Oh you

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<v Speaker 3>are my one, like I just it actually kind of

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<v Speaker 3>makes me a bit uncomfortable that idea, because I think

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<v Speaker 3>it stems from feeling too insecure to hold maybe the truth,

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<v Speaker 3>which is, there are lots of people that we could

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<v Speaker 3>be with at any given moment, and we'd wake up

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<v Speaker 3>and we decide to choose whoever we're with each day.

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<v Speaker 4>Where's the romance in not choosing?

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, I think that the romance in a real

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<v Speaker 1>when we're talking about it as the one in a

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<v Speaker 1>romantic context or you know, soulmates and things like that.

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<v Speaker 1>I if the inherent romance to me about it is

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<v Speaker 1>in fact, like both of you are saying the choice.

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<v Speaker 5>That's not yea to choose and knowing.

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<v Speaker 1>That that someone else is choosing you when we all

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<v Speaker 1>know that we're not perfect, you know we're not. I don't.

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<v Speaker 1>I almost find it so much more beautiful the concept

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<v Speaker 1>that Josh chooses me, not Josh thought of me as

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<v Speaker 1>the one put me in that box and now has

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<v Speaker 1>kept me in that box.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah you know not part right, Yeah, I.

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<v Speaker 1>Think it's so much more beautiful to think. Gosh, here

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<v Speaker 1>we are both continuing to choose each other throughout the

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<v Speaker 1>end of time.

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<v Speaker 2>Did you ever have somebody that you felt like was

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<v Speaker 2>your one that turned out not to be your one?

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, I can tell you about the guy that

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<v Speaker 2>I moved to England for.

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<v Speaker 5>Oh God, I remember this, Jesu Louis.

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<v Speaker 4>I mean, I guess I did you think he was

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<v Speaker 4>the one? I don't know.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like I'm too old for that way of thinking.

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, it feels it feels so romantic, and.

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<v Speaker 4>So it feels like a youthful.

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<v Speaker 2>Thing to think that somebody is the one, and I

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<v Speaker 2>feel like life has just beat the shit out of me.

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<v Speaker 2>So I don't believe in that anymore.

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<v Speaker 3>Well, we just established that that's maybe a problematic belief

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<v Speaker 3>to have in the first place.

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<v Speaker 2>So I believe that I met someone that I thought

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<v Speaker 2>could be a lifetime companion.

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<v Speaker 4>That's how I would put it.

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<v Speaker 2>And I feel like it's falling more into your box

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<v Speaker 2>what you're saying, Andrews, that I chose to explore if

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<v Speaker 2>this could be a lifetime companion, and you know, to

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<v Speaker 2>do so. There were a number of reasons but I

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<v Speaker 2>had to move to England to explore that because that's

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<v Speaker 2>where he lived and he had younger kids, and I

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<v Speaker 2>had more opportunity to move at the time, which I

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<v Speaker 2>don't really now because now I take care of my parents.

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<v Speaker 2>But I really invested in it in a a in

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<v Speaker 2>a big way.

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<v Speaker 4>I got there.

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<v Speaker 2>I think it wasn't too long before I realized he

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<v Speaker 2>was I was not, that he was not the one,

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<v Speaker 2>that I was not going to continue to be able

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<v Speaker 2>to choose to make him my companion every day for

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<v Speaker 2>a number of reasons. And when I finally left, he

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<v Speaker 2>did do one of the meanest things that's ever been

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<v Speaker 2>done to me. He could so not accept that I

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<v Speaker 2>could not choose him that he basically threatened. He said,

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<v Speaker 2>if you leave me, you'll be alone forever. And so

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<v Speaker 2>just the fact that somebody would say that makes it

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<v Speaker 2>very obvious that you are not the one.

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<v Speaker 5>Oh yeah, yeah, I mean he only dug his own Bravey.

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<v Speaker 3>Don't you love that when in a breakup, someone proves

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<v Speaker 3>a new reason why you should break up with them

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<v Speaker 3>in their response to the breakup, you yeah, and thank

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<v Speaker 3>you for so clear.

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<v Speaker 2>He followed that unresponded to email, because I did not

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<v Speaker 2>respond to that. He followed that up with and the

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<v Speaker 2>only reason you broke up with me is because you're

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<v Speaker 2>crazy from being on hormone replacement therapy. Oh right, yeah

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<v Speaker 2>it god, yeah, it digs pretty deep, right, and you're

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<v Speaker 2>just like, just keep exposing to me all the reasons

0:12:11.120 --> 0:12:13.120
<v Speaker 2>I'm so thrilled to be in Los Angeles.

0:12:13.160 --> 0:12:15.880
<v Speaker 1>It's not a cool move, guy. Yeah, like you didn't

0:12:15.880 --> 0:12:18.280
<v Speaker 1>respond to my email. But I'm gonna say another thing,

0:12:18.480 --> 0:12:20.520
<v Speaker 1>like cool, really good.

0:12:20.760 --> 0:12:22.360
<v Speaker 4>There, but that's the real thing.

0:12:22.440 --> 0:12:24.880
<v Speaker 2>But I would say that's you know, but okay, it's

0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:27.520
<v Speaker 2>it's funny and I and I am a strong person

0:12:27.600 --> 0:12:29.200
<v Speaker 2>and like to go back to what we were talking

0:12:29.200 --> 0:12:31.080
<v Speaker 2>about in the episode about being alone, and we were

0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:34.040
<v Speaker 2>talking about miss McCluskey, like not being able to open

0:12:34.080 --> 0:12:37.600
<v Speaker 2>her arthritis medicine. You know, you guys, I'm sixty, Like

0:12:37.720 --> 0:12:41.040
<v Speaker 2>I'm in pretty good shape and whatever. But like I

0:12:41.320 --> 0:12:45.440
<v Speaker 2>got COVID a couple of months ago, and I was alone.

0:12:45.840 --> 0:12:48.240
<v Speaker 2>I was alone in my house with one hundred and

0:12:48.320 --> 0:12:48.960
<v Speaker 2>four fever.

0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:54.160
<v Speaker 4>It was not great. And it's not that there wasn't.

0:12:53.880 --> 0:12:56.320
<v Speaker 2>People I could have called that loved me that, but

0:12:56.360 --> 0:12:58.600
<v Speaker 2>I didn't want to call anybody I didn't want to

0:12:58.600 --> 0:13:02.160
<v Speaker 2>give anybody COVID, I didn't want anybody to come over, and.

0:13:02.080 --> 0:13:05.040
<v Speaker 4>So I did sort of suffer through it.

0:13:05.120 --> 0:13:09.080
<v Speaker 2>But even in that space, I don't think I felt lonely.

0:13:09.880 --> 0:13:12.480
<v Speaker 2>I just knew that I was alone and that it

0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:17.520
<v Speaker 2>was hard, but I wasn't lonely. It's like this interior

0:13:18.160 --> 0:13:21.959
<v Speaker 2>feeling that maybe you're not loved, and I don't feel

0:13:21.960 --> 0:13:24.959
<v Speaker 2>that because I know that I'm loved by so many

0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:27.360
<v Speaker 2>people in my really beautiful life.

0:13:27.440 --> 0:13:31.880
<v Speaker 3>Well, that's a beautiful thing to carry as we go

0:13:32.120 --> 0:13:35.840
<v Speaker 3>from the one to the other one or looking. You know,

0:13:35.880 --> 0:13:37.360
<v Speaker 3>if you met someone I know, you asked me if

0:13:37.360 --> 0:13:40.599
<v Speaker 3>I had ever felt like, yeah, I had met I

0:13:40.640 --> 0:13:42.120
<v Speaker 3>wouldn't say the one because I don't believe in that,

0:13:42.160 --> 0:13:44.160
<v Speaker 3>But if I'd met a soulmate, and I would say, yes,

0:13:44.160 --> 0:13:47.520
<v Speaker 3>one hundred percent. I have been in relationships with that.

0:13:47.559 --> 0:13:50.840
<v Speaker 3>I'm no longer in relationships now with people who I

0:13:50.880 --> 0:13:54.520
<v Speaker 3>think are one of my probably many soulmates in the world,

0:13:55.000 --> 0:13:57.640
<v Speaker 3>and it is a huge joy in my life that

0:13:57.720 --> 0:14:00.319
<v Speaker 3>I have people who if I have had romantic relationship

0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:04.000
<v Speaker 3>with who that part of our relationship has ended and

0:14:04.040 --> 0:14:06.840
<v Speaker 3>we now have very deep and meaningful friendships, and I think,

0:14:06.880 --> 0:14:09.360
<v Speaker 3>you know, I think when someone really is your soulmate,

0:14:09.600 --> 0:14:12.440
<v Speaker 3>and this is my experience with this, they stay in

0:14:12.480 --> 0:14:16.320
<v Speaker 3>your life, I don't, regardless of what your relation to

0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:20.080
<v Speaker 3>each other is. And that's how I know that the

0:14:20.120 --> 0:14:22.840
<v Speaker 3>person that I'm thinking of, I think is definitely one

0:14:22.920 --> 0:14:25.600
<v Speaker 3>of my life soulmates, because we're still in each other's

0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:30.000
<v Speaker 3>lives and it continues to be a beautiful, meaningful relationship

0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:31.840
<v Speaker 3>to me, even though it's not as romantic partners.

0:14:32.440 --> 0:14:37.600
<v Speaker 4>Do we have any like parting? I don't know ideas

0:14:37.360 --> 0:14:38.200
<v Speaker 4>of like.

0:14:40.120 --> 0:14:43.320
<v Speaker 2>How to best like love yourself in a way that

0:14:43.800 --> 0:14:47.360
<v Speaker 2>it's it's like fulfilling so that you don't feel lonely

0:14:47.760 --> 0:14:50.800
<v Speaker 2>and you feel like you're open to meeting your soulmate.

0:14:51.720 --> 0:14:56.880
<v Speaker 1>Well, I think that this conversation about the one and

0:14:56.960 --> 0:14:59.920
<v Speaker 1>soulmates and romance and all these things kind of bleeds

0:15:00.040 --> 0:15:04.160
<v Speaker 1>and that other idea of looking for your other half, right,

0:15:04.280 --> 0:15:09.200
<v Speaker 1>it's language also used frequently in the same context, and

0:15:09.240 --> 0:15:11.160
<v Speaker 1>as we're sitting here talking about it, it's like, why

0:15:11.160 --> 0:15:13.920
<v Speaker 1>can't we be our own the one? Like why isn't

0:15:13.960 --> 0:15:17.480
<v Speaker 1>the one? The idea of who we are and loving

0:15:17.520 --> 0:15:20.600
<v Speaker 1>ourselves that much? And making sure we are honoring our

0:15:20.720 --> 0:15:23.640
<v Speaker 1>individual journeys here so that we have all of this

0:15:23.720 --> 0:15:25.960
<v Speaker 1>amazing filled up cup to share with someone else.

0:15:26.080 --> 0:15:27.960
<v Speaker 3>At the end of the day, you are the only

0:15:28.080 --> 0:15:29.560
<v Speaker 3>one that you really get.

0:15:30.200 --> 0:15:33.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you know, well that feels like a good parting words,

0:15:33.920 --> 0:15:34.640
<v Speaker 2>doesn't it?

0:15:34.640 --> 0:15:35.840
<v Speaker 4>It does? It does?

0:15:36.640 --> 0:15:39.440
<v Speaker 2>You are the only one, So do the best you

0:15:39.480 --> 0:15:42.840
<v Speaker 2>can to make the life that you want.

0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:43.760
<v Speaker 4>You know, treat.

0:15:43.560 --> 0:15:46.560
<v Speaker 2>Yourself the way you need like. I also think there's

0:15:46.560 --> 0:15:49.720
<v Speaker 2>the part of that that's like and hold yourself responsible

0:15:50.400 --> 0:15:56.440
<v Speaker 2>for your own you know, commitment desires like don't be

0:15:56.480 --> 0:15:58.640
<v Speaker 2>afraid to look at yourself and go Terry.

0:15:59.120 --> 0:16:01.240
<v Speaker 4>You could have been better on that. You could. You

0:16:01.240 --> 0:16:02.960
<v Speaker 4>could show up in a different way, you know what

0:16:02.960 --> 0:16:03.240
<v Speaker 4>I mean.

0:16:03.520 --> 0:16:05.160
<v Speaker 3>You can call yourself your name. You don't even have

0:16:05.160 --> 0:16:07.440
<v Speaker 3>to call yourself Terry. If you do that, yeah, you

0:16:07.480 --> 0:16:09.480
<v Speaker 3>could do it right. You can use your own name.

0:16:09.560 --> 0:16:12.880
<v Speaker 3>But Terry also works. And I give everyone permission to

0:16:12.880 --> 0:16:13.720
<v Speaker 3>call themselves Terry.

0:16:13.720 --> 0:16:15.240
<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna start doing that. I'm gonna look in the

0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:16.640
<v Speaker 1>mirror and I'm gonna call myself Terry.

0:16:16.800 --> 0:16:19.640
<v Speaker 5>Well, Terry, you've done a really great job on this.

0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:24.160
<v Speaker 4>You too, Terry, You too, Terry. Oh wow, that's really

0:16:24.240 --> 0:16:25.120
<v Speaker 4>devoted to Terry.

0:16:25.240 --> 0:16:28.040
<v Speaker 2>Oh my, I'm desperately devoted to you.

0:16:28.160 --> 0:16:29.120
<v Speaker 4>We'll see you next week.