WEBVTT - EP 407: Finding The Perfect Relationship Coach (Ft. Kittie Rose) 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:01.800 Welcome to decisions decisions. 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:03.760 I don't think you should say decisions decisions. 0:00:03.960 --> 0:00:06.000 It sounded like you was talking to Kirsty. 0:00:06.440 --> 0:00:09.400 You definitely say to welcome, welcome to the new podcast. 0:00:10.720 --> 0:00:13.440 You want to say together the decisions decisions. 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:18.840 All right, ready, I can't. 0:00:18.680 --> 0:00:20.000 All these texts. People in the house. 0:00:20.000 --> 0:00:20.960 That's all I want to do. 0:00:22.520 --> 0:00:24.919 Take this is in the building, y'all. We are joined 0:00:24.920 --> 0:00:26.440 out how they do it? 0:00:26.680 --> 0:00:26.880 Here? 0:00:26.960 --> 0:00:28.640 You go, Oh, you know what, what is it? The 0:00:28.720 --> 0:00:29.800 D that is crazy? 0:00:29.880 --> 0:00:30.040 Now? 0:00:30.080 --> 0:00:35.200 This the D you you're throwing up? Houston whoop? 0:00:35.320 --> 0:00:38.360 Is like that is? 0:00:39.120 --> 0:00:42.960 People say you have a rapper voice? No you do? No, 0:00:43.159 --> 0:00:45.720 They say, I got to pass the voice too. 0:00:47.360 --> 0:00:51.120 I have a male path all the time when I 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:54.040 really get it too. Let me tell you you know 0:00:54.280 --> 0:00:55.920 I do when I get it to it, bro, don't 0:00:55.920 --> 0:00:58.320 do that. Don't even got a black. 0:00:58.160 --> 0:01:00.279 Past the voice. I got an identity crisis. 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:04.080 That I either got as okay, I'm even that for 0:01:04.240 --> 0:01:05.759 they say, jadis But either way. 0:01:06.160 --> 0:01:07.800 Bye. 0:01:08.400 --> 0:01:11.120 We are joined by Kitty Rose y'all, and she is 0:01:11.240 --> 0:01:15.240 a certified relationship coach, speaker and happy wife. She's also 0:01:15.280 --> 0:01:18.280 the host of the Talk to Me Kitty podcast and 0:01:18.520 --> 0:01:21.360 author of Hella books to help you niggas find love 0:01:21.720 --> 0:01:24.720 and get married. Now, I'm really excited to really dive 0:01:24.840 --> 0:01:30.560 into the conversation around today because even you saying that 0:01:30.600 --> 0:01:34.000 you're a happy wife, I've constantly talked on this podcast 0:01:34.080 --> 0:01:40.520 about not really seeing or hearing healthy relationships. Yes, and 0:01:40.600 --> 0:01:44.360 also as a woman in my mid thirties, the final 0:01:44.400 --> 0:01:46.840 goal for me is not marriage, and I have very 0:01:46.920 --> 0:01:49.880 like staunch views on those. So I'm really excited to 0:01:49.880 --> 0:01:53.520 dig deep into this. But for our audience, we did 0:01:53.680 --> 0:01:57.520 have a dating coach on towards the end of last year, 0:01:58.400 --> 0:02:02.200 mister an Waugh, And we've also had sham Boudremond, who 0:02:02.280 --> 0:02:05.880 is also talking about to her need to go to 0:02:05.880 --> 0:02:09.280 school because she's out here coaching and giving advice and 0:02:09.320 --> 0:02:11.440 all those things. So I want to start at the 0:02:11.480 --> 0:02:14.799 top of that. Hey, what's a relationship coach? And girl, 0:02:14.840 --> 0:02:17.000 what's your certifications? And do you have any or you 0:02:17.160 --> 0:02:19.200 just like, bitch, I'm married, So I'm gonna help y'all 0:02:19.240 --> 0:02:19.640 get buried. 0:02:19.960 --> 0:02:21.359 No, I think you need to have some type of 0:02:21.360 --> 0:02:23.920 professional backing if you're gonna be doing this. You know 0:02:24.000 --> 0:02:27.519 my so my major is in neuroscience, my miners and 0:02:27.639 --> 0:02:30.520 family services. Okay, so a lot of people don't understand 0:02:30.520 --> 0:02:32.919 that I'm in school for my psyche d So that's. 0:02:32.800 --> 0:02:33.799 What backs me up. 0:02:35.360 --> 0:02:38.880 I am a clinician, Okay, I am a you know, 0:02:39.360 --> 0:02:40.240 but I'm a clinician. 0:02:40.320 --> 0:02:40.840 A lot of people. 0:02:40.840 --> 0:02:43.760 I don't talk about it online just specifically because I 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:46.840 am coaching in the social media space and you know 0:02:46.880 --> 0:02:47.359 how they are. 0:02:47.440 --> 0:02:48.240 They're very critical. 0:02:48.280 --> 0:02:50.400 But people get upset when you say things online, so 0:02:50.400 --> 0:02:52.240 they'll try to come for your license and stuff like that. 0:02:52.400 --> 0:02:54.920 So to play it safe. Plus, as a coach, you 0:02:54.960 --> 0:02:56.880 have more freedom online. So if y'all ever see any 0:02:56.919 --> 0:02:59.920 therapist or anything like that online and they're advertising at coaching, 0:03:00.120 --> 0:03:00.480 that's the. 0:03:00.440 --> 0:03:02.600 Reason why I didn't know that either. 0:03:02.680 --> 0:03:04.400 So if you ever look up certain therapists, you may 0:03:04.400 --> 0:03:08.799 see that they may have like sex relationship coaching, intimacy coaching, 0:03:09.919 --> 0:03:13.239 any forms of healing and it to say coaching. Yeah, 0:03:13.400 --> 0:03:17.040 that's the reason why one of my closest friends, who 0:03:17.080 --> 0:03:20.639 is a therapist in Dallas, mad he actually advertises a 0:03:20.680 --> 0:03:21.919 coach as well, but he's a therapist. 0:03:22.200 --> 0:03:23.120 It's just smarter to do it. 0:03:23.120 --> 0:03:25.079 If you're going to be doing stuff online, to protect 0:03:25.080 --> 0:03:27.800 your license, just go as coaching. 0:03:27.960 --> 0:03:31.919 Okay, And then with coaching you just said it's coaches 0:03:32.440 --> 0:03:36.760 normally help with healing, but also coaching is direction too. No, 0:03:37.000 --> 0:03:38.960 Like when we have the conversation with ann Y, he 0:03:39.000 --> 0:03:40.680 was like, this is how you get married, this is 0:03:40.680 --> 0:03:43.880 how you get a mad Do you advise coaching in 0:03:43.960 --> 0:03:46.400 terms of dating to be for only those people looking 0:03:46.400 --> 0:03:48.960 for the end goal of marriage, if they're not looking 0:03:48.960 --> 0:03:50.440 to be healed from a breakup. 0:03:50.160 --> 0:03:51.360 For a relationship coaching? 0:03:51.560 --> 0:03:56.800 Yes, no, okay, I only say that because I believe 0:03:56.920 --> 0:04:00.200 that the relationship that you have, the client coach relationship 0:04:00.200 --> 0:04:02.520 that you have, it has to be a line based 0:04:02.520 --> 0:04:05.800 on values. So for instance, me, I'm Christian woman, so 0:04:05.840 --> 0:04:07.800 of course the end goal is going to be marriage, 0:04:08.000 --> 0:04:10.360 of course for me. But some coaches know if they 0:04:10.400 --> 0:04:12.480 believe in like long term relationships and stuff like that, 0:04:12.480 --> 0:04:14.400 it can simply be that. But most people who come 0:04:14.400 --> 0:04:15.880 to me, they know that the end goal is going 0:04:15.880 --> 0:04:18.280 to be marriage. Coaches have a forte too, and war 0:04:18.400 --> 0:04:22.200 is really known for like getting to the what's the alter? 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:25.840 Speaking of which, when he was on here, he talked 0:04:25.839 --> 0:04:28.640 about the amount of time that it takes for man 0:04:28.680 --> 0:04:30.840 to propose if he really cares about you, loves you. 0:04:30.800 --> 0:04:32.000 Whatever, ask everybody it is. 0:04:34.520 --> 0:04:36.160 I thought you, yeah, I thought, yeah. 0:04:36.400 --> 0:04:38.359 How long did it take for your husband to propose? 0:04:39.440 --> 0:04:39.920 Oh? 0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:41.440 Let me see how long? 0:04:42.760 --> 0:04:43.080 Okay? 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:44.080 Three years? 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:48.560 Now we've been together. Uh, now, we haven't known each 0:04:48.560 --> 0:04:50.440 other three years. We known each other since middle school. 0:04:50.680 --> 0:04:53.240 We were friends. Then we decided to go ahead and 0:04:53.279 --> 0:04:56.040 give it a try. We did it the right way, honestly, 0:04:57.440 --> 0:05:00.160 I want to say maybe four months in maybe four 0:05:00.200 --> 0:05:00.960 months four months. 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:01.600 Any he proposed? 0:05:01.680 --> 0:05:02.599 Yeah, a four months? 0:05:02.600 --> 0:05:04.000 Did you guys have said, like, I know you're a 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:04.960 Christian woman. 0:05:08.680 --> 0:05:13.360 Y'all just mouth and asked was it the I just 0:05:13.400 --> 0:05:15.919 saw her body when she go No, So let me 0:05:15.960 --> 0:05:16.599 be honest with you. 0:05:16.640 --> 0:05:18.760 So, like, we've been friends for a very long time 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:22.640 and then we got reconnected back in I think twenty 0:05:22.760 --> 0:05:26.080 eighteen probably, and then we just kept a friendship steady. 0:05:26.160 --> 0:05:28.080 No sex, no kissing, no, none of that, no hugging 0:05:28.120 --> 0:05:30.120 on none, no kissing, but knowing that you wanted to 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:34.680 pursue romantically. No, oh okay, no, I think we realized 0:05:34.680 --> 0:05:37.520 we had feelings. But because both of us, I mean, 0:05:37.560 --> 0:05:39.240 we had rosters. So let's just be real. We weren't 0:05:39.279 --> 0:05:41.360 trying to do that. And then plus we just looked 0:05:41.360 --> 0:05:43.480 at each other as friends, like let's just keep it platonic, 0:05:43.560 --> 0:05:46.400 let's keep it here. But then over time, you know, 0:05:46.720 --> 0:05:48.800 went through my stuff, he went through his, and it 0:05:48.839 --> 0:05:51.919 was like when we came back again, because you know, 0:05:51.960 --> 0:05:53.520 whenever I was talking to somebody, I was like, all right, 0:05:53.600 --> 0:05:55.240 let me just back off because I don't want to 0:05:55.400 --> 0:05:57.760 you know, when we came back again, it was. 0:05:57.720 --> 0:06:00.719 Like, you know what, let's get this a shot. Listen, Wow, 0:06:01.000 --> 0:06:04.040 four months. How old were you at that time? 0:06:04.240 --> 0:06:04.600 Both of you? 0:06:04.839 --> 0:06:07.719 Girl, I'm in my thirties. Yeah, okay, you mean when 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:12.279 when he proposed my early thirties? Yeah, So this really 0:06:12.360 --> 0:06:13.480 starting to put this nigga right. 0:06:14.400 --> 0:06:21.599 But you mean okay, okay, and you you had that 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:24.520 as an end goal, right, Like has every partner that 0:06:24.560 --> 0:06:27.800 you've had, even before him, was it, Hey, I'm only 0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:29.800 going to stick around for but so long because I 0:06:29.800 --> 0:06:31.760 want to be a wife. Nor were you willing to 0:06:31.839 --> 0:06:32.960 let it kind of No. 0:06:33.320 --> 0:06:36.200 A lot of the relationships that I had, any SITUATIONIP 0:06:36.279 --> 0:06:38.800 or relationship, I really, honestly, I'm not even gonna lie 0:06:38.839 --> 0:06:40.320 to you, A lot of it was just to heal 0:06:40.400 --> 0:06:40.960 my attachment. 0:06:41.120 --> 0:06:42.840 That's really what it was, to be honest with you. 0:06:42.960 --> 0:06:43.880 I was an anxious person. 0:06:44.600 --> 0:06:47.320 I was an anxious I was an insecure attachment and 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:49.400 so a lot of it was just like a false 0:06:49.440 --> 0:06:51.960 sense of security. As long as I had you there, 0:06:51.960 --> 0:06:54.160 I was cool. But many of those I was like, 0:06:54.200 --> 0:06:56.960 you're not a potential husband. You don't even have the 0:06:57.040 --> 0:06:58.040 quality of being a husband. 0:06:58.080 --> 0:06:59.640 I wish I would have brought that up in our book, 0:06:59.760 --> 0:07:02.120 like I talk about there's a chapter where I dated 0:07:02.160 --> 0:07:05.400 a guy we call old band a podcast, and there's 0:07:05.520 --> 0:07:08.320 no big arc of why I broke up, like he 0:07:08.400 --> 0:07:10.600 kind of always was fucking around, kind of always doing things, 0:07:10.840 --> 0:07:13.040 but I always stuck around because it was just like, Okay, 0:07:13.080 --> 0:07:16.080 he's there, he's there, he's there, and do therapy. I 0:07:16.120 --> 0:07:19.000 realized how to do with attachment style. But what I 0:07:19.040 --> 0:07:21.480 talked about mainly was like then I believe people can 0:07:21.520 --> 0:07:24.080 get to the altar with a person like this, good 0:07:24.160 --> 0:07:26.680 job and some friends like them, family like them. 0:07:26.720 --> 0:07:27.040 Whatever. 0:07:27.600 --> 0:07:31.280 He was just there and it was just a relationship. 0:07:31.480 --> 0:07:32.240 Companionship. 0:07:32.240 --> 0:07:33.760 I think once you get in your thirties is a 0:07:33.760 --> 0:07:35.960 scary thing because you're like, well, I don't have many 0:07:35.960 --> 0:07:38.600 options after this, which isn't necessarily true. 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:40.440 You really got to put yourselves out there. 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:42.840 But yeah, I really just talked about how you can 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:44.400 end up with a person that's just okay. 0:07:44.600 --> 0:07:47.119 Yeah, once you transition, because we go through different tiers 0:07:47.120 --> 0:07:47.680 of womanhood. 0:07:47.720 --> 0:07:49.760 Once you transition in your thirties, you know, now it's 0:07:49.760 --> 0:07:53.640 probably some form of commitment somewhere, whether it's commitment to 0:07:53.680 --> 0:07:56.920 a career or just simply companionship. It doesn't have the 0:07:56.960 --> 0:07:59.400 necessarily mean you want to marry, but you want someone there. 0:07:59.480 --> 0:08:01.679 That's a form of a partner almost in a sense. 0:08:01.960 --> 0:08:04.960 Once you transition, things are different in your twenties. A 0:08:05.000 --> 0:08:07.120 lot of that's playing time. It's like we're trying to 0:08:07.160 --> 0:08:08.880 know who we are. He's just trying to figure out 0:08:08.880 --> 0:08:10.520 who we are. We're having fun. I'm trying to see 0:08:10.560 --> 0:08:12.320 exactly what it is that I won't. The problem is 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:16.240 in our twenties back to attachments, because we have attachment deficits. 0:08:16.240 --> 0:08:19.559 We attach to people insecurely, prematurely, and we don't actually 0:08:19.560 --> 0:08:21.080 think about compatibility when it. 0:08:21.040 --> 0:08:22.000 Comes to being Christian. 0:08:22.040 --> 0:08:25.320 Because a lot of my friends that have a Christian background, 0:08:25.440 --> 0:08:28.400 or even Muslim girls like religious background because they believe 0:08:28.400 --> 0:08:29.240 in marriage. 0:08:28.920 --> 0:08:32.200 As a forefront of dating. Mainly it seems like they're 0:08:32.200 --> 0:08:35.120 getting married earlier or encouraging that. However, being that you 0:08:35.160 --> 0:08:37.640 at a roster y'all went through y'all phases, I really 0:08:37.640 --> 0:08:40.679 actually believe people need that to come together strong. Do 0:08:40.720 --> 0:08:44.079 you think, as a relationship coach advising someone at twenty 0:08:44.080 --> 0:08:44.959 four twenty. 0:08:44.679 --> 0:08:49.000 Three to be a hope? No, I look for marriage? Yeah, 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:50.680 is really the right thing to do? Do you not 0:08:50.720 --> 0:08:53.320 think women should be exploring themselves, like, what's the perfect age? 0:08:53.400 --> 0:08:55.760 I really think that looking for marriage is something you 0:08:55.800 --> 0:08:58.920 should be doing. I'm only let me let me go 0:08:58.920 --> 0:09:02.880 ahead and explain why we bring on. No, we end 0:09:02.960 --> 0:09:05.760 up adopting a lot of trauma along the way from 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:09.439 the attachments and the relationships that we form in our twenties, 0:09:09.760 --> 0:09:12.320 and because in this day and time, in this mounter time, 0:09:12.360 --> 0:09:15.480 it's all about sexual liberations, sexual freedom and stuff like that. 0:09:15.520 --> 0:09:17.320 But then we start having these soul ties and we 0:09:17.360 --> 0:09:20.160 connect people and that becomes a problem as well. So 0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:22.720 although you think you're finding your identity, you're losing bits 0:09:22.720 --> 0:09:24.200 and pieces of you because by the time you're getting 0:09:24.200 --> 0:09:26.720 your thirties, you're looking back like, oh, and I invest 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:28.280 around so much into this person. 0:09:28.400 --> 0:09:30.320 I lost this part of me. I've had to work 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:30.839 to find this. 0:09:31.040 --> 0:09:33.240 I've it becomes it starts to feel more like a 0:09:33.280 --> 0:09:35.120 loss rather than something that you gained. 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:37.280 That might be one of my favorite pieces of advice 0:09:37.320 --> 0:09:39.880 I've heard on this podcast, getting trauma along the way, 0:09:40.280 --> 0:09:42.640 because for me, I feel like a lot of my 0:09:42.720 --> 0:09:46.240 explorative years, like my whole years, I really needed to 0:09:46.240 --> 0:09:49.920 shape me. Yeah, but I definitely developed trauma along the way. 0:09:49.960 --> 0:09:51.760 Where would have been if I just stopped hoing at 0:09:51.760 --> 0:09:54.640 a certain age, or stopped or really was intentionally dating. 0:09:55.160 --> 0:09:59.440 But for me, as someone that's ethically no monogamous, I 0:09:59.440 --> 0:10:02.240 think I actual needed that. I needed to kind of 0:10:02.360 --> 0:10:05.080 date every type of guy. I think I needed to 0:10:05.080 --> 0:10:07.600 go through those phases. I needed the Homeboys to show 0:10:07.679 --> 0:10:10.200 me how men work. There's a lot of issues that 0:10:10.240 --> 0:10:12.760 my friends have in relationships that I don't seem to have, 0:10:13.120 --> 0:10:15.160 and I think it's because of the framework I've had 0:10:15.200 --> 0:10:19.280 from dating up until now. However, I really like what 0:10:19.320 --> 0:10:22.240 you said because we're discounting a lot when we talk 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:26.880 about go have fun, that fun can be painful exactly exactly. 0:10:26.960 --> 0:10:30.080 I will say this, though I do understand the whole 0:10:30.080 --> 0:10:33.600 fase I understand why people do it because I had 0:10:33.600 --> 0:10:36.680 one too, so I understand it. But as a woman 0:10:36.720 --> 0:10:39.640 who's healed, I can actually say I have really put 0:10:39.679 --> 0:10:43.079 in the work to heal. I look back and I'm like, yeah, 0:10:43.120 --> 0:10:44.880 I wish I never would have did that. I wish 0:10:44.960 --> 0:10:49.120 I would have prioritized me, took in the time. I 0:10:49.160 --> 0:10:52.680 would have dated Differently, I can say that it wouldn't 0:10:52.720 --> 0:10:55.640 have been the sexual encounters that I had. I would 0:10:55.640 --> 0:10:57.960 have actually been dating to really learn who I am. 0:10:58.360 --> 0:10:59.839 So it would have been like, I'm going out on 0:10:59.880 --> 0:11:01.720 a date with you tonight, not to sleep with you. 0:11:01.760 --> 0:11:02.880 I don't even want to get physical. 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:05.280 I don't want nothing that's going to cause us to 0:11:05.360 --> 0:11:08.280 bond in a sense outside of quality time. I want 0:11:08.280 --> 0:11:10.000 to learn what I don't like. I want to look 0:11:10.000 --> 0:11:11.680 at you and say, Okay, this is what I like. 0:11:11.720 --> 0:11:13.720 I'm gonna check this off. This is a new standard, 0:11:14.040 --> 0:11:15.280 this is a new expectation. 0:11:16.920 --> 0:11:17.480 I'm gone. 0:11:17.840 --> 0:11:19.360 I love that I'm. 0:11:18.880 --> 0:11:25.079 Going through that phase right now, so within therapy from 0:11:25.280 --> 0:11:28.640 my journey of being sober right now, because I do 0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:31.360 understand too the rock star lifestyle that I had in 0:11:31.440 --> 0:11:35.000 my twentieth and the bond that I made from you know, 0:11:35.160 --> 0:11:38.360 dancing on couches and getting ship based and like, let's 0:11:38.400 --> 0:11:40.240 don toe to toe and being able to keep up 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:42.160 with a nigga with drinks who six ' eight and 0:11:42.200 --> 0:11:44.800 I'm five to one and I'm keeping up. Like those 0:11:44.840 --> 0:11:50.000 attachments weren't healthy. Those attachments didn't lead to anything of 0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:53.760 purpose or anything like that. So I'm currently in this 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:58.280 phase of, even with being celibate, figuring out the importance 0:11:58.280 --> 0:12:01.679 of even sex now in my relationships. Like I'm at 0:12:01.679 --> 0:12:05.160 this crossroad right now with talking to my therapists and 0:12:05.640 --> 0:12:08.280 even I won't say blame my mom, but me and 0:12:08.280 --> 0:12:10.319 my mom are having a lot more conversations because she's 0:12:10.400 --> 0:12:12.960 now in therapy and so she's calling me to tell me, 0:12:13.000 --> 0:12:15.320 and I was like, oh, bitch, this is why how 0:12:15.400 --> 0:12:18.480 I'm blame me. You put everything. And then also just 0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:21.160 having the conversations with my sister who's seven years younger 0:12:21.160 --> 0:12:24.280 than me, and the same kind of trickle effect on 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:28.920 how it's impacted her. But my relationship with men, specifically 0:12:28.960 --> 0:12:30.880 black men, because that's all I've dealt with, that's all 0:12:30.880 --> 0:12:33.920 that's been around me, is really coming to the forefront 0:12:33.960 --> 0:12:38.160 with how I feel safe with them, how I feel 0:12:38.160 --> 0:12:42.520 respected by them, and how to communicate the needs that 0:12:42.559 --> 0:12:45.280 I need to be in a space where I feel 0:12:45.280 --> 0:12:47.679 like this makes sense. And what I realize is a 0:12:47.720 --> 0:12:50.400 lot of those past relationships in my twenties when I 0:12:50.440 --> 0:12:52.560 look back, and some of them are still in my life. Unfortunately, 0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:55.360 when I look back, I'm like, none of that made 0:12:55.400 --> 0:12:58.959 sense to me. How we communicated, how we coexisted, how 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:01.199 we fucked, how we tried old, how we none of 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:03.440 literally none of it makes sense to me currently. 0:13:03.559 --> 0:13:07.520 Yeah, and our twenties were dopamine seeking. That's the reason why. 0:13:07.679 --> 0:13:10.360 So by the time you hit your thirties, your reward 0:13:10.440 --> 0:13:14.079 system and your pleasure system changes. So instead of having 0:13:14.120 --> 0:13:16.079 sex and the thrill of a different partner and stuff 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:17.760 like that in your twenties where you get that rush 0:13:17.760 --> 0:13:19.559 and it's like, oh, I have this high, and then 0:13:19.559 --> 0:13:21.600 you get that that dumb when you get in your thirties, 0:13:21.640 --> 0:13:23.560 it's like, now I see pleasure as other things. 0:13:23.920 --> 0:13:26.400 I see pleasure. It's more recreational things. I see pleasure. 0:13:26.400 --> 0:13:28.839 It's more time with my partner actually getting to know 0:13:28.920 --> 0:13:32.400 this person instead of me just having a one nice 0:13:32.400 --> 0:13:34.040 standard have something toxic to say. 0:13:34.160 --> 0:13:35.280 I love the toxic take. 0:13:36.000 --> 0:13:37.520 I agree yeah. 0:13:37.679 --> 0:13:39.559 I don't think I got there without having a friends 0:13:39.559 --> 0:13:43.800 with benefits the whole time, mainly because I was so 0:13:44.320 --> 0:13:48.199 when I was like dating intentionally whatever. Sometimes I kind 0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:49.920 of was rushing for the intimacy because I didn't have 0:13:49.960 --> 0:13:52.319 it anywhere else. When you're single for a minute, and 0:13:52.400 --> 0:13:54.280 y'all know what I'm talking about, men or women listening, 0:13:54.440 --> 0:13:55.360 it doesn't even matter. 0:13:55.679 --> 0:13:57.400 When you're single for a minute, you kind of like, damn, 0:13:57.400 --> 0:13:57.840 I missed this. 0:13:58.200 --> 0:14:00.120 Then I was kind of getting a little like, oh, 0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:01.600 we should do this on Saturday, or a little too 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:04.040 pressed because there was no one else there. I actually 0:14:04.160 --> 0:14:07.679 kind of think you need that one solid person in 0:14:07.720 --> 0:14:09.199 your life kind of when you kind of want to 0:14:09.200 --> 0:14:10.800 get your shit off, we're going to see a movie, 0:14:10.800 --> 0:14:13.560 cuddling whatever, so that you can actually date this way. 0:14:13.760 --> 0:14:17.280 I know that sounds crazy toxic, but it's really work. 0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:20.960 It also works on the opposite. I don't think I realized, 0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:22.920 what if y'all listen to the first six years of 0:14:22.960 --> 0:14:27.560 this podcast, I didn't really need intimacy. On the flip side, 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:29.960 I didn't realize how much I needed and crave it 0:14:30.040 --> 0:14:31.160 until my last relationship. 0:14:31.280 --> 0:14:31.840 Intimacy. 0:14:31.920 --> 0:14:35.320 What intimacy in the forms of just laying down, cuddling, 0:14:35.840 --> 0:14:40.240 making and quality time. I was cool with being flown out. Baby. 0:14:40.240 --> 0:14:44.320 We got twenty four hours as fuck times. I don't 0:14:44.360 --> 0:14:45.920 know the next time on the sea, and I was 0:14:45.960 --> 0:14:48.840 good on that, you know, and that just being the exchange, 0:14:49.440 --> 0:14:51.240 fucking you as much as I can within a short 0:14:51.240 --> 0:14:54.480 window of time. And now I'm not. I turned down 0:14:54.520 --> 0:14:57.200 a trip to motherfucking Columbia and Panama. I was like, 0:14:57.400 --> 0:14:59.360 I'm good, don't need a trip, don't want that anymore, 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:02.200 because it's I want to cuddle, you want. 0:15:02.040 --> 0:15:05.240 To You're you're getting fulfillment from somewhere else now and 0:15:05.280 --> 0:15:08.600 it sounds like it's you. And that's the difference when 0:15:08.640 --> 0:15:11.320 we get fulfillment in our twenties or when we're just 0:15:11.400 --> 0:15:13.840 being a little wild at those times we get off 0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:17.480 fulfillment from the ins and outs from external factors. 0:15:17.560 --> 0:15:17.760 Yep. 0:15:18.400 --> 0:15:20.280 Once you get to that place of healing, which is 0:15:20.320 --> 0:15:22.920 what it sounds like for you, the fulfillment or maybe you, 0:15:23.080 --> 0:15:25.480 I'm not sure what your story is, but the fulfillment 0:15:25.480 --> 0:15:29.440 starts to come from within. Now it's I'm actually creating 0:15:29.480 --> 0:15:32.640 genuine connections. It's not off of the excitement. It's not 0:15:32.680 --> 0:15:35.520 because I'm being impulsive. It's not because I'm bored. It's 0:15:35.560 --> 0:15:38.560 not even because i'm trying to be at ventures. I'm 0:15:38.640 --> 0:15:42.080 literally finding fulfillment in myself and what aligns with what 0:15:42.160 --> 0:15:43.400 it is that I actually want from my lining. 0:15:43.440 --> 0:15:43.480 Go. 0:15:43.600 --> 0:15:46.120 Hold you being hill sucks. It ain't it's fun, it's. 0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:53.080 God. I'm like, I'll do that. 0:15:53.200 --> 0:15:57.120 Maybe you're not. I think you're not. No offense. I 0:15:57.160 --> 0:15:58.440 think you're in the healing thing. 0:15:58.560 --> 0:15:59.760 Yeah, no, I love that. 0:15:59.840 --> 0:16:02.360 I I read that. 0:16:02.800 --> 0:16:04.840 I'm glad you said that. Let me correct myself. We 0:16:04.920 --> 0:16:08.560 never one hundred percent healed. We managed, so with me, 0:16:09.800 --> 0:16:12.440 I'm still managing my healing. Yeah, let me not say 0:16:12.480 --> 0:16:14.880 that I've healed one hundred percent because I still have triggers. 0:16:14.920 --> 0:16:16.360 I like that way, and I manage them. 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:18.840 Yeah, when you said didn't know my story, I would 0:16:18.840 --> 0:16:22.360 say the only thing I think that changed where I 0:16:22.440 --> 0:16:25.560 was able to meet someone that was right. I kind 0:16:25.560 --> 0:16:28.600 of this is very corny, and I'm not religious, but 0:16:29.120 --> 0:16:32.400 I dead ass just had faith that like that person 0:16:32.440 --> 0:16:34.440 would come a lot of my friends right now. 0:16:34.320 --> 0:16:35.080 Where is it corny? 0:16:35.640 --> 0:16:38.680 Because I think saying I just had hope it's very wrong. 0:16:38.800 --> 0:16:42.720 Calm to say no and I just did. Something happened 0:16:42.760 --> 0:16:45.560 to me at thirty after a breakup where I was like, 0:16:46.280 --> 0:16:49.120 I'm gonna meet them, I just gotta live first. Living 0:16:49.160 --> 0:16:51.880 life along the way really helped whether it was fulfillment 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:55.200 for myself, even fun experiences along. 0:16:54.880 --> 0:16:56.440 The way travel. 0:16:56.880 --> 0:16:59.400 I think having faith that someone is there instead of 0:16:59.400 --> 0:17:01.880 freaking out that they aren't let it happen for me. 0:17:02.440 --> 0:17:05.879 The pressure that I put unknowingly on people from maybe 0:17:05.960 --> 0:17:08.399 the word desperate is too heavy, but just being like 0:17:08.440 --> 0:17:10.080 I have to cling onto this guy because he's here, 0:17:10.600 --> 0:17:12.000 all that shit went away when I was just like 0:17:12.040 --> 0:17:15.040 it'll happen. My mother found love at forty with my dad, 0:17:15.560 --> 0:17:17.919 like a lot of my friends just got married at 0:17:17.920 --> 0:17:18.480 thirty eight. 0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:19.760 I was thirty three. 0:17:19.800 --> 0:17:22.359 I'm like that nigga coming up me, Like, why am 0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:25.159 I freaking out right now? But the patriarchy really been 0:17:25.160 --> 0:17:26.560 making me feel like I need that baby right now. 0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:27.560 I need that ring right now. 0:17:27.600 --> 0:17:29.439 People in the motherfucking comments making me feel like. 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:30.439 Niggas don't want it. 0:17:30.520 --> 0:17:32.080 I've been a whole all these years. It's all of 0:17:32.119 --> 0:17:34.159