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Speaker 1: Welcome to decisions decisions.

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Speaker 2: I don't think you should say decisions decisions.

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Speaker 3: It sounded like you was talking to Kirsty.

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Speaker 1: You definitely say to welcome, welcome to the new podcast.

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Speaker 1: You want to say together the decisions decisions.

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Speaker 3: All right, ready, I can't.

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Speaker 1: All these texts. People in the house.

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Speaker 2: That's all I want to do.

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Speaker 3: Take this is in the building, y'all. We are joined

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Speaker 3: out how they do it?

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Speaker 4: Here?

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Speaker 2: You go, Oh, you know what, what is it? The

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Speaker 2: D that is crazy?

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Speaker 3: Now?

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Speaker 1: This the D you you're throwing up? Houston whoop?

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Speaker 2: Is like that is?

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Speaker 1: People say you have a rapper voice? No you do? No,

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Speaker 1: They say, I got to pass the voice too.

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Speaker 3: I have a male path all the time when I

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Speaker 3: really get it too. Let me tell you you know

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Speaker 3: I do when I get it to it, bro, don't

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Speaker 3: do that. Don't even got a black.

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Speaker 1: Past the voice. I got an identity crisis.

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Speaker 3: That I either got as okay, I'm even that for

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Speaker 3: they say, jadis But either way.

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Speaker 1: Bye.

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Speaker 3: We are joined by Kitty Rose y'all, and she is

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Speaker 3: a certified relationship coach, speaker and happy wife. She's also

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Speaker 3: the host of the Talk to Me Kitty podcast and

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Speaker 3: author of Hella books to help you niggas find love

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Speaker 3: and get married. Now, I'm really excited to really dive

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Speaker 3: into the conversation around today because even you saying that

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Speaker 3: you're a happy wife, I've constantly talked on this podcast

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Speaker 3: about not really seeing or hearing healthy relationships. Yes, and

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Speaker 3: also as a woman in my mid thirties, the final

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Speaker 3: goal for me is not marriage, and I have very

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Speaker 3: like staunch views on those. So I'm really excited to

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Speaker 3: dig deep into this. But for our audience, we did

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Speaker 3: have a dating coach on towards the end of last year,

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Speaker 3: mister an Waugh, And we've also had sham Boudremond, who

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Speaker 3: is also talking about to her need to go to

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Speaker 3: school because she's out here coaching and giving advice and

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Speaker 3: all those things. So I want to start at the

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Speaker 3: top of that. Hey, what's a relationship coach? And girl,

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Speaker 3: what's your certifications? And do you have any or you

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Speaker 3: just like, bitch, I'm married, So I'm gonna help y'all

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Speaker 3: get buried.

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Speaker 5: No, I think you need to have some type of

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Speaker 5: professional backing if you're gonna be doing this. You know

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Speaker 5: my so my major is in neuroscience, my miners and

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Speaker 5: family services. Okay, so a lot of people don't understand

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Speaker 5: that I'm in school for my psyche d So that's.

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Speaker 1: What backs me up.

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Speaker 5: I am a clinician, Okay, I am a you know,

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Speaker 5: but I'm a clinician.

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Speaker 1: A lot of people.

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Speaker 5: I don't talk about it online just specifically because I

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Speaker 5: am coaching in the social media space and you know

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Speaker 5: how they are.

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Speaker 1: They're very critical.

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Speaker 5: But people get upset when you say things online, so

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Speaker 5: they'll try to come for your license and stuff like that.

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Speaker 5: So to play it safe. Plus, as a coach, you

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Speaker 5: have more freedom online. So if y'all ever see any

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Speaker 5: therapist or anything like that online and they're advertising at coaching,

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Speaker 5: that's the.

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Speaker 1: Reason why I didn't know that either.

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Speaker 5: So if you ever look up certain therapists, you may

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Speaker 5: see that they may have like sex relationship coaching, intimacy coaching,

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Speaker 5: any forms of healing and it to say coaching. Yeah,

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Speaker 5: that's the reason why one of my closest friends, who

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Speaker 5: is a therapist in Dallas, mad he actually advertises a

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Speaker 5: coach as well, but he's a therapist.

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Speaker 1: It's just smarter to do it.

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Speaker 5: If you're going to be doing stuff online, to protect

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Speaker 5: your license, just go as coaching.

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Speaker 3: Okay, And then with coaching you just said it's coaches

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Speaker 3: normally help with healing, but also coaching is direction too. No,

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Speaker 3: Like when we have the conversation with ann Y, he

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Speaker 3: was like, this is how you get married, this is

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Speaker 3: how you get a mad Do you advise coaching in

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Speaker 3: terms of dating to be for only those people looking

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Speaker 3: for the end goal of marriage, if they're not looking

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Speaker 3: to be healed from a breakup.

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Speaker 1: For a relationship coaching?

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Speaker 5: Yes, no, okay, I only say that because I believe

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Speaker 5: that the relationship that you have, the client coach relationship

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Speaker 5: that you have, it has to be a line based

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Speaker 5: on values. So for instance, me, I'm Christian woman, so

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Speaker 5: of course the end goal is going to be marriage,

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Speaker 5: of course for me. But some coaches know if they

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Speaker 5: believe in like long term relationships and stuff like that,

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Speaker 5: it can simply be that. But most people who come

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Speaker 5: to me, they know that the end goal is going

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Speaker 5: to be marriage. Coaches have a forte too, and war

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Speaker 5: is really known for like getting to the what's the alter?

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Speaker 5: Speaking of which, when he was on here, he talked

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Speaker 5: about the amount of time that it takes for man

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Speaker 5: to propose if he really cares about you, loves you.

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Speaker 2: Whatever, ask everybody it is.

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Speaker 3: I thought you, yeah, I thought, yeah.

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Speaker 2: How long did it take for your husband to propose?

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Speaker 3: Oh?

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Speaker 1: Let me see how long?

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Speaker 3: Okay?

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Speaker 1: Three years?

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Speaker 5: Now we've been together. Uh, now, we haven't known each

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Speaker 5: other three years. We known each other since middle school.

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Speaker 5: We were friends. Then we decided to go ahead and

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Speaker 5: give it a try. We did it the right way, honestly,

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Speaker 5: I want to say maybe four months in maybe four

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Speaker 5: months four months.

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Speaker 2: Any he proposed?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, a four months?

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Speaker 2: Did you guys have said, like, I know you're a

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Speaker 2: Christian woman.

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Speaker 6: Y'all just mouth and asked was it the I just

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Speaker 6: saw her body when she go No, So let me

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Speaker 6: be honest with you.

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Speaker 5: So, like, we've been friends for a very long time

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Speaker 5: and then we got reconnected back in I think twenty

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Speaker 5: eighteen probably, and then we just kept a friendship steady.

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Speaker 5: No sex, no kissing, no, none of that, no hugging

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Speaker 5: on none, no kissing, but knowing that you wanted to

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Speaker 5: pursue romantically. No, oh okay, no, I think we realized

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Speaker 5: we had feelings. But because both of us, I mean,

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Speaker 5: we had rosters. So let's just be real. We weren't

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Speaker 5: trying to do that. And then plus we just looked

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Speaker 5: at each other as friends, like let's just keep it platonic,

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Speaker 5: let's keep it here. But then over time, you know,

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Speaker 5: went through my stuff, he went through his, and it

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Speaker 5: was like when we came back again, because you know,

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Speaker 5: whenever I was talking to somebody, I was like, all right,

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Speaker 5: let me just back off because I don't want to

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Speaker 5: you know, when we came back again, it was.

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Speaker 1: Like, you know what, let's get this a shot. Listen, Wow,

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Speaker 1: four months. How old were you at that time?

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Speaker 3: Both of you?

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Speaker 5: Girl, I'm in my thirties. Yeah, okay, you mean when

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Speaker 5: when he proposed my early thirties? Yeah, So this really

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Speaker 5: starting to put this nigga right.

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Speaker 3: But you mean okay, okay, and you you had that

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Speaker 3: as an end goal, right, Like has every partner that

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Speaker 3: you've had, even before him, was it, Hey, I'm only

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Speaker 3: going to stick around for but so long because I

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Speaker 3: want to be a wife. Nor were you willing to

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Speaker 3: let it kind of No.

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Speaker 5: A lot of the relationships that I had, any SITUATIONIP

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Speaker 5: or relationship, I really, honestly, I'm not even gonna lie

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Speaker 5: to you, A lot of it was just to heal

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Speaker 5: my attachment.

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Speaker 1: That's really what it was, to be honest with you.

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Speaker 1: I was an anxious person.

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Speaker 5: I was an anxious I was an insecure attachment and

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Speaker 5: so a lot of it was just like a false

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Speaker 5: sense of security. As long as I had you there,

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Speaker 5: I was cool. But many of those I was like,

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Speaker 5: you're not a potential husband. You don't even have the

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Speaker 5: quality of being a husband.

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Speaker 7: I wish I would have brought that up in our book,

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Speaker 7: like I talk about there's a chapter where I dated

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Speaker 7: a guy we call old band a podcast, and there's

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Speaker 7: no big arc of why I broke up, like he

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Speaker 7: kind of always was fucking around, kind of always doing things,

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Speaker 7: but I always stuck around because it was just like, Okay,

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Speaker 7: he's there, he's there, he's there, and do therapy. I

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Speaker 7: realized how to do with attachment style. But what I

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Speaker 7: talked about mainly was like then I believe people can

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Speaker 7: get to the altar with a person like this, good

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Speaker 7: job and some friends like them, family like them.

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Speaker 1: Whatever.

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Speaker 2: He was just there and it was just a relationship.

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Speaker 1: Companionship.

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Speaker 7: I think once you get in your thirties is a

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Speaker 7: scary thing because you're like, well, I don't have many

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Speaker 7: options after this, which isn't necessarily true.

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Speaker 1: You really got to put yourselves out there.

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Speaker 7: But yeah, I really just talked about how you can

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Speaker 7: end up with a person that's just okay.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, once you transition, because we go through different tiers

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Speaker 1: of womanhood.

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Speaker 5: Once you transition in your thirties, you know, now it's

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Speaker 5: probably some form of commitment somewhere, whether it's commitment to

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Speaker 5: a career or just simply companionship. It doesn't have the

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Speaker 5: necessarily mean you want to marry, but you want someone there.

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Speaker 5: That's a form of a partner almost in a sense.

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Speaker 5: Once you transition, things are different in your twenties. A

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Speaker 5: lot of that's playing time. It's like we're trying to

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Speaker 5: know who we are. He's just trying to figure out

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Speaker 5: who we are. We're having fun. I'm trying to see

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Speaker 5: exactly what it is that I won't. The problem is

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Speaker 5: in our twenties back to attachments, because we have attachment deficits.

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Speaker 5: We attach to people insecurely, prematurely, and we don't actually

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Speaker 5: think about compatibility when it.

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Speaker 1: Comes to being Christian.

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Speaker 7: Because a lot of my friends that have a Christian background,

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Speaker 7: or even Muslim girls like religious background because they believe

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Speaker 7: in marriage.

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Speaker 2: As a forefront of dating. Mainly it seems like they're

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Speaker 2: getting married earlier or encouraging that. However, being that you

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Speaker 2: at a roster y'all went through y'all phases, I really

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Speaker 2: actually believe people need that to come together strong. Do

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Speaker 2: you think, as a relationship coach advising someone at twenty

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Speaker 2: four twenty.

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Speaker 7: Three to be a hope? No, I look for marriage? Yeah,

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Speaker 7: is really the right thing to do? Do you not

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Speaker 7: think women should be exploring themselves, like, what's the perfect age?

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Speaker 5: I really think that looking for marriage is something you

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Speaker 5: should be doing. I'm only let me let me go

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Speaker 5: ahead and explain why we bring on. No, we end

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Speaker 5: up adopting a lot of trauma along the way from

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Speaker 5: the attachments and the relationships that we form in our twenties,

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Speaker 5: and because in this day and time, in this mounter time,

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Speaker 5: it's all about sexual liberations, sexual freedom and stuff like that.

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Speaker 5: But then we start having these soul ties and we

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Speaker 5: connect people and that becomes a problem as well. So

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Speaker 5: although you think you're finding your identity, you're losing bits

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Speaker 5: and pieces of you because by the time you're getting

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Speaker 5: your thirties, you're looking back like, oh, and I invest

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Speaker 5: around so much into this person.

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Speaker 1: I lost this part of me. I've had to work

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Speaker 1: to find this.

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Speaker 5: I've it becomes it starts to feel more like a

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Speaker 5: loss rather than something that you gained.

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Speaker 7: That might be one of my favorite pieces of advice

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Speaker 7: I've heard on this podcast, getting trauma along the way,

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Speaker 7: because for me, I feel like a lot of my

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Speaker 7: explorative years, like my whole years, I really needed to

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Speaker 7: shape me. Yeah, but I definitely developed trauma along the way.

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Speaker 7: Where would have been if I just stopped hoing at

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Speaker 7: a certain age, or stopped or really was intentionally dating.

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Speaker 7: But for me, as someone that's ethically no monogamous, I

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Speaker 7: think I actual needed that. I needed to kind of

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Speaker 7: date every type of guy. I think I needed to

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Speaker 7: go through those phases. I needed the Homeboys to show

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Speaker 7: me how men work. There's a lot of issues that

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Speaker 7: my friends have in relationships that I don't seem to have,

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Speaker 7: and I think it's because of the framework I've had

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Speaker 7: from dating up until now. However, I really like what

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Speaker 7: you said because we're discounting a lot when we talk

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Speaker 7: about go have fun, that fun can be painful exactly exactly.

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Speaker 5: I will say this, though I do understand the whole

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Speaker 5: fase I understand why people do it because I had

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Speaker 5: one too, so I understand it. But as a woman

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Speaker 5: who's healed, I can actually say I have really put

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Speaker 5: in the work to heal. I look back and I'm like, yeah,

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Speaker 5: I wish I never would have did that. I wish

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Speaker 5: I would have prioritized me, took in the time. I

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Speaker 5: would have dated Differently, I can say that it wouldn't

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Speaker 5: have been the sexual encounters that I had. I would

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Speaker 5: have actually been dating to really learn who I am.

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Speaker 5: So it would have been like, I'm going out on

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Speaker 5: a date with you tonight, not to sleep with you.

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Speaker 1: I don't even want to get physical.

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Speaker 5: I don't want nothing that's going to cause us to

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Speaker 5: bond in a sense outside of quality time. I want

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Speaker 5: to learn what I don't like. I want to look

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Speaker 5: at you and say, Okay, this is what I like.

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Speaker 5: I'm gonna check this off. This is a new standard,

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Speaker 5: this is a new expectation.

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Speaker 3: I'm gone.

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Speaker 1: I love that I'm.

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Speaker 3: Going through that phase right now, so within therapy from

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Speaker 3: my journey of being sober right now, because I do

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Speaker 3: understand too the rock star lifestyle that I had in

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Speaker 3: my twentieth and the bond that I made from you know,

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Speaker 3: dancing on couches and getting ship based and like, let's

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Speaker 3: don toe to toe and being able to keep up

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Speaker 3: with a nigga with drinks who six ' eight and

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Speaker 3: I'm five to one and I'm keeping up. Like those

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Speaker 3: attachments weren't healthy. Those attachments didn't lead to anything of

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Speaker 3: purpose or anything like that. So I'm currently in this

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Speaker 3: phase of, even with being celibate, figuring out the importance

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Speaker 3: of even sex now in my relationships. Like I'm at

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Speaker 3: this crossroad right now with talking to my therapists and

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Speaker 3: even I won't say blame my mom, but me and

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Speaker 3: my mom are having a lot more conversations because she's

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Speaker 3: now in therapy and so she's calling me to tell me,

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Speaker 3: and I was like, oh, bitch, this is why how

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Speaker 3: I'm blame me. You put everything. And then also just

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Speaker 3: having the conversations with my sister who's seven years younger

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Speaker 3: than me, and the same kind of trickle effect on

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Speaker 3: how it's impacted her. But my relationship with men, specifically

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Speaker 3: black men, because that's all I've dealt with, that's all

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Speaker 3: that's been around me, is really coming to the forefront

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Speaker 3: with how I feel safe with them, how I feel

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Speaker 3: respected by them, and how to communicate the needs that

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Speaker 3: I need to be in a space where I feel

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Speaker 3: like this makes sense. And what I realize is a

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Speaker 3: lot of those past relationships in my twenties when I

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Speaker 3: look back, and some of them are still in my life. Unfortunately,

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Speaker 3: when I look back, I'm like, none of that made

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Speaker 3: sense to me. How we communicated, how we coexisted, how

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Speaker 3: we fucked, how we tried old, how we none of

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Speaker 3: literally none of it makes sense to me currently.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, and our twenties were dopamine seeking. That's the reason why.

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Speaker 5: So by the time you hit your thirties, your reward

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Speaker 5: system and your pleasure system changes. So instead of having

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Speaker 5: sex and the thrill of a different partner and stuff

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Speaker 5: like that in your twenties where you get that rush

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Speaker 5: and it's like, oh, I have this high, and then

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Speaker 5: you get that that dumb when you get in your thirties,

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Speaker 5: it's like, now I see pleasure as other things.

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Speaker 1: I see pleasure. It's more recreational things. I see pleasure.

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Speaker 5: It's more time with my partner actually getting to know

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Speaker 5: this person instead of me just having a one nice

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Speaker 5: standard have something toxic to say.

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Speaker 3: I love the toxic take.

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Speaker 1: I agree yeah.

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Speaker 7: I don't think I got there without having a friends

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Speaker 7: with benefits the whole time, mainly because I was so

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Speaker 7: when I was like dating intentionally whatever. Sometimes I kind

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Speaker 7: of was rushing for the intimacy because I didn't have

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Speaker 7: it anywhere else. When you're single for a minute, and

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Speaker 7: y'all know what I'm talking about, men or women listening,

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Speaker 7: it doesn't even matter.

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Speaker 2: When you're single for a minute, you kind of like, damn,

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Speaker 2: I missed this.

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Speaker 7: Then I was kind of getting a little like, oh,

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Speaker 7: we should do this on Saturday, or a little too

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Speaker 7: pressed because there was no one else there. I actually

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Speaker 7: kind of think you need that one solid person in

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Speaker 7: your life kind of when you kind of want to

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Speaker 7: get your shit off, we're going to see a movie,

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Speaker 7: cuddling whatever, so that you can actually date this way.

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Speaker 7: I know that sounds crazy toxic, but it's really work.

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Speaker 3: It also works on the opposite. I don't think I realized,

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Speaker 3: what if y'all listen to the first six years of

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Speaker 3: this podcast, I didn't really need intimacy. On the flip side,

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Speaker 3: I didn't realize how much I needed and crave it

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Speaker 3: until my last relationship.

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Speaker 1: Intimacy.

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Speaker 3: What intimacy in the forms of just laying down, cuddling,

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Speaker 3: making and quality time. I was cool with being flown out. Baby.

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Speaker 3: We got twenty four hours as fuck times. I don't

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Speaker 3: know the next time on the sea, and I was

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Speaker 3: good on that, you know, and that just being the exchange,

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Speaker 3: fucking you as much as I can within a short

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Speaker 3: window of time. And now I'm not. I turned down

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Speaker 3: a trip to motherfucking Columbia and Panama. I was like,

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Speaker 3: I'm good, don't need a trip, don't want that anymore,

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Speaker 3: because it's I want to cuddle, you want.

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Speaker 5: To You're you're getting fulfillment from somewhere else now and

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Speaker 5: it sounds like it's you. And that's the difference when

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Speaker 5: we get fulfillment in our twenties or when we're just

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Speaker 5: being a little wild at those times we get off

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Speaker 5: fulfillment from the ins and outs from external factors.

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Speaker 3: Yep.

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Speaker 5: Once you get to that place of healing, which is

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Speaker 5: what it sounds like for you, the fulfillment or maybe you,

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Speaker 5: I'm not sure what your story is, but the fulfillment

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Speaker 5: starts to come from within. Now it's I'm actually creating

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Speaker 5: genuine connections. It's not off of the excitement. It's not

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Speaker 5: because I'm being impulsive. It's not because I'm bored. It's

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Speaker 5: not even because i'm trying to be at ventures. I'm

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Speaker 5: literally finding fulfillment in myself and what aligns with what

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Speaker 5: it is that I actually want from my lining.

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Speaker 4: Go.

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Speaker 2: Hold you being hill sucks. It ain't it's fun, it's.

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Speaker 3: God. I'm like, I'll do that.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you're not. I think you're not. No offense. I

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Speaker 1: think you're in the healing thing.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, no, I love that.

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Speaker 6: I I read that.

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Speaker 5: I'm glad you said that. Let me correct myself. We

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Speaker 5: never one hundred percent healed. We managed, so with me,

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Speaker 5: I'm still managing my healing. Yeah, let me not say

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Speaker 5: that I've healed one hundred percent because I still have triggers.

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Speaker 1: I like that way, and I manage them.

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Speaker 7: Yeah, when you said didn't know my story, I would

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Speaker 7: say the only thing I think that changed where I

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Speaker 7: was able to meet someone that was right. I kind

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Speaker 7: of this is very corny, and I'm not religious, but

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Speaker 7: I dead ass just had faith that like that person

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Speaker 7: would come a lot of my friends right now.

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Speaker 1: Where is it corny?

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Speaker 7: Because I think saying I just had hope it's very wrong.

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00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:42,720
Speaker 7: Calm to say no and I just did. Something happened

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Speaker 7: to me at thirty after a breakup where I was like,

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Speaker 7: I'm gonna meet them, I just gotta live first. Living

381
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Speaker 7: life along the way really helped whether it was fulfillment

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Speaker 7: for myself, even fun experiences along.

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Speaker 1: The way travel.

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Speaker 7: I think having faith that someone is there instead of

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Speaker 7: freaking out that they aren't let it happen for me.

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Speaker 7: The pressure that I put unknowingly on people from maybe

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00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,399
Speaker 7: the word desperate is too heavy, but just being like

388
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,080
Speaker 7: I have to cling onto this guy because he's here,

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Speaker 7: all that shit went away when I was just like

390
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Speaker 7: it'll happen. My mother found love at forty with my dad,

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Speaker 7: like a lot of my friends just got married at

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Speaker 7: thirty eight.

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Speaker 1: I was thirty three.

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Speaker 7: I'm like that nigga coming up me, Like, why am

395
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,159
Speaker 7: I freaking out right now? But the patriarchy really been

396
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Speaker 7: making me feel like I need that baby right now.

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Speaker 7: I need that ring right now.

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Speaker 2: People in the motherfucking comments making me feel like.

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Speaker 1: Niggas don't want it.

400
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Speaker 7: I've been a whole all these years. It's all of

401
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:34,159
Speaker 7: that shit feeding in my head. How to let it go?

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00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm glad you do.

403
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:42,240
Speaker 2: Well.

404
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,960
Speaker 3: I do want to get toxic real quick time. We

405
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,880
Speaker 3: got to ice, break this ice a little bit, get

406
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:52,800
Speaker 3: it out, all right, y'all know, we got a little

407
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:57,679
Speaker 3: hypothetical segment in this show now and this one you

408
00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:01,200
Speaker 3: know I really like, uh, just because shout out to

409
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Speaker 3: Kevin Gates and anyone else who has ever what I

410
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,000
Speaker 3: can't shout out Kevin Gates.

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Speaker 2: Don't look like that. Don't look like that.

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00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,320
Speaker 3: So here's the hypothetical and ed and feel free to

413
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:11,720
Speaker 3: join in on here, just so we could get a

414
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Speaker 3: male perspective as well. All right, So one day you

415
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:20,240
Speaker 3: have successfully dated someone that you truly now love, and

416
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Speaker 3: after a while, you and said person end up happily married.

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00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:28,560
Speaker 3: Come on, happy wife. However, you go to the doctor

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Speaker 3: and decide to perform a medical check with your partner

419
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:35,359
Speaker 3: to prepare for family planning, and you actually find out

420
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:42,000
Speaker 3: that your partner is your long lost sibling. What do

421
00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:46,119
Speaker 3: you do next in the relationship? I do want to

422
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:49,320
Speaker 3: go ahead and get y'all's opinions before I share what

423
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,080
Speaker 3: the results were on the pole that was taken.

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Speaker 7: You would throw hell yeah, but you've been already fucking

425
00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:02,879
Speaker 7: your sister now, you've already been in it. So it's like,

426
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,200
Speaker 7: get at it shut.

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00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:05,960
Speaker 3: Just not okay.

428
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:09,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, your mind first goes where break up with him?

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Speaker 1: But then I hit reality.

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Speaker 7: Okay, if I've been married to you for five years

431
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,760
Speaker 7: and we're just finding out through family planning we're related, Okay,

432
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:18,800
Speaker 7: we've already gone too far.

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Speaker 2: We just can't have kids.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so you're not having kids with them, but you're

435
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Speaker 3: gonna keep sucking and sucking and being married. But we're

436
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:30,520
Speaker 3: already five years. We ain't gonna have a baby.

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Speaker 2: You're still going to have them, so it is ain't

438
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Speaker 2: gonna be protected.

439
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:36,919
Speaker 7: No, no, no, So the baby part is literally for the

440
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:39,199
Speaker 7: sake of the child. We know, like the increase in

441
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,720
Speaker 7: deficiencies that children are.

442
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:46,120
Speaker 3: Still love that baby. No oh wait, that.

443
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:51,600
Speaker 2: You're bringing a life into this world that's going to have.

444
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:58,360
Speaker 3: You know, there's high chances of it, but they could be. Okay,

445
00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:01,080
Speaker 3: So wait, kitty, have you seen the oh yeah.

446
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,320
Speaker 1: The Whitakers or whatever on YouTube? You've seen this.

447
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,679
Speaker 7: It's a family of incests. I don't know what their

448
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:11,280
Speaker 7: name is because it's the whole family. It's from software,

449
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,280
Speaker 7: like ten of them and they all like the chances

450
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:14,880
Speaker 7: aren't just hot?

451
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:22,240
Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, Okay, l one is in Miami. Let's just

452
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:25,800
Speaker 3: say that what are doing? What are you doing?

453
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,640
Speaker 2: If you find out your husband is a long lost

454
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,520
Speaker 2: sibling like marital annoyedment?

455
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:34,560
Speaker 1: We're done. Absolutely nobody else know. We're done.

456
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,919
Speaker 5: We're going through grief counseling and I'm going to my

457
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,560
Speaker 5: parents because why y'all lied to me? And if my

458
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,520
Speaker 5: parents are deceased, I'm going to their grave because it's

459
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:41,400
Speaker 5: still on site.

460
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:42,440
Speaker 1: What do you mean?

461
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:46,640
Speaker 5: And even if you're afterlife, you got questions that need answers. Honey, yes,

462
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,200
Speaker 5: a long lost sibling. What if it was just like adoption,

463
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:49,880
Speaker 5: like no one knew?

464
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,600
Speaker 2: Okay, now you added because I'm saying, okay, what happens?

465
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,359
Speaker 1: It is not your parents, let's look at Okay, so

466
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:59,119
Speaker 1: we can look what if he was half? What somebody?

467
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,359
Speaker 5: I'm still don't even know my parents because you should

468
00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:02,320
Speaker 5: have told them simply can.

469
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:02,760
Speaker 3: Still be half?

470
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:07,240
Speaker 2: So wait, does the does the rate of deficiency.

471
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:11,960
Speaker 3: I don't know is still fully instance because cousins, it is,

472
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:15,080
Speaker 3: even cousins get.

473
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:17,439
Speaker 5: A higher risk of So if you have okay, so

474
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:22,439
Speaker 5: anything that's interfamilial, that means that your DNA has a

475
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:25,920
Speaker 5: specific coding that looks similar, there's a higher risk for

476
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:27,639
Speaker 5: genetic deficiency.

477
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:29,400
Speaker 1: Do you know this goes down to dogs?

478
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,000
Speaker 7: What she's saying goes I will know they say that

479
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:35,160
Speaker 7: dogs is how dogs have issues. So let's just say

480
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,800
Speaker 7: you want to get a toy puppy that's popular.

481
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:41,440
Speaker 3: Just abnormalties, not not not issues definitely.

482
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,640
Speaker 7: Okay, let's just say they're breeding toy dogs. Everybody wants

483
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,199
Speaker 7: this three pound dogs. A lot of these dogs are

484
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,479
Speaker 7: getting sick or something's wrong with them, or they like

485
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:52,639
Speaker 7: they are super hyper, and it's all because of the

486
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:53,520
Speaker 7: in bringing.

487
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:59,400
Speaker 2: So I guess are you giving your brother?

488
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:02,040
Speaker 3: Bitch? I ain't gonna hold you. I don't want kids,

489
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:06,360
Speaker 3: no way, right, So I think the conversation then if

490
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:09,240
Speaker 3: we want kids, because I'm going for family planning, I'm

491
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,800
Speaker 3: cool with adopting. I don't think I divorced them. This

492
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,040
Speaker 3: might be the only person I'll ever love in my life.

493
00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:17,760
Speaker 3: Like we're married now, I love you, you.

494
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:17,880
Speaker 1: Know what I mean?

495
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,680
Speaker 3: Like, so I didn't I didn't have a follow up question?

496
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,000
Speaker 3: Then okay, wait, well what'd you just.

497
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:29,160
Speaker 1: Like absolutely love somebody else? Manufficiency?

498
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:34,080
Speaker 3: You know what? I don't even want kids. Okay, so

499
00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:37,600
Speaker 3: then let me ask, Okay, is there any relative that

500
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:41,040
Speaker 3: you don't think would warrant the same scrutiny or it

501
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,600
Speaker 3: wouldn't be such a big deal. Because we talked about cousins,

502
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,320
Speaker 3: what about like third cousins or someone through married.

503
00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:51,600
Speaker 7: Being a cousin fucker is crazy, But being a brotherfucker's crazy.

504
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,800
Speaker 3: It's crazy. Let me ask you.

505
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,919
Speaker 2: You find out you keeping it.

506
00:22:58,840 --> 00:22:59,880
Speaker 1: At least taking up again.

507
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:03,639
Speaker 3: I mean, okay, well, I did want to read some

508
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:07,760
Speaker 3: of the results. So for this the Thrones was fine.

509
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,919
Speaker 3: But but Jordi said, uh, they would first have the

510
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:13,359
Speaker 3: conversation with their spouse whether they should stay together or not.

511
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:17,560
Speaker 3: That's the first thing. The second one divorce, speedy divorce.

512
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,760
Speaker 3: I can't bear it. I'm immediately going. The next one

513
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:24,360
Speaker 3: is I'll keep it a secret. So women were saying

514
00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:26,480
Speaker 3: they would keep it a secret from their spouse that

515
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:27,440
Speaker 3: they're related.

516
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:30,160
Speaker 1: Because you gotta thinking. There we go.

517
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,000
Speaker 7: Let me tell you why my brain is going this way.

518
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,720
Speaker 7: I'm super in love right now. Okay, we're a.

519
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,119
Speaker 1: Couple of go to restaurants. They'd be like, you want

520
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:38,960
Speaker 1: to another play. We'd be like, no, bitch, we're on

521
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,360
Speaker 1: the same side, saying for it. We got in love.

522
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,840
Speaker 7: I just feel like I wouldn't have I can't see

523
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:45,720
Speaker 7: breaking it.

524
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:46,440
Speaker 1: I don't know.

525
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,480
Speaker 7: Maybe a regular marriage where people are just like a

526
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:53,040
Speaker 7: lot of people hate their wives. Wom Yeah, I'm gonna

527
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:56,760
Speaker 7: walk around and just not saying.

528
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,320
Speaker 3: There are people that would. There are people saying that

529
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:00,440
Speaker 3: they would keep it to themselves.

530
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:02,560
Speaker 7: Oh I thought they men keep it to themselves. I

531
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,840
Speaker 7: don't know, don't because I'm not telling my hot I'll

532
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:07,960
Speaker 7: keep it a secret. That's a secret within yourself. I

533
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:09,800
Speaker 7: ain't telling nobody because y'all ain't gonna judge me.

534
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:10,080
Speaker 5: Now.

535
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,360
Speaker 2: I'm probably tell my best friend Chris, she'll understand.

536
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,160
Speaker 3: Maybe I'll just fell love. I'm married. We've never thought

537
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:21,959
Speaker 3: I would get here anyways, What the fuck I am married?

538
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,520
Speaker 3: Out of said on this podcast for eight years saying

539
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:27,560
Speaker 3: I ain't getting married. It's that nigga my daddy. I'm

540
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,960
Speaker 3: staying married probably. Oh wait, I mean if I didn't

541
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:37,880
Speaker 3: know my dad and then found out, Okay, my dad.

542
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:38,160
Speaker 1: Is my heart.

543
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,160
Speaker 2: Oh if you found out it was your dad, that's

544
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:41,480
Speaker 2: my heart.

545
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,440
Speaker 7: Nu yo, y'all ever seen an old boy, y'all know

546
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:46,760
Speaker 7: what I'm talking about. Sorry, it has to do with

547
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:51,000
Speaker 7: the ending. But it's one of them. It's my favorite movies.

548
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:54,119
Speaker 7: It's a Korean film. But basically, I don't know how

549
00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:55,439
Speaker 7: to say it eddying. I'm trying to think it's a

550
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:58,800
Speaker 7: prisoner like, it's this way of revenge. But they basically

551
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:02,200
Speaker 7: placed this woman in his so he fantasizes about this woman,

552
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:05,040
Speaker 7: ends up seeing her, then they end up getting married,

553
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,720
Speaker 7: falling in love, and then towards the end of the movie, boom,

554
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,600
Speaker 7: he finds out it's his daughter. Oh, but that was

555
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:13,160
Speaker 7: their biggest way of like giving him revenge, like getting

556
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:13,920
Speaker 7: their revenge on him.

557
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:16,560
Speaker 3: Oh, now you fell in little with your daughter, yo. Well,

558
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:19,800
Speaker 3: as long as they're both consenting adults. I did want

559
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:23,160
Speaker 3: to share. I did just want to share a fun fact.

560
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:29,800
Speaker 3: Rutgers anthropologist Robin Fox has actually estimated that the majority

561
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:34,719
Speaker 3: of all marriages throughout history were actually between first and

562
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:35,639
Speaker 3: second cussin.

563
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:39,040
Speaker 1: Here we go through these generalized statements in generalized studies.

564
00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:43,640
Speaker 3: Don't do that. Hold on. This is cited from Live Science.

565
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:45,640
Speaker 3: Let me look now, you got me trying to figure

566
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,119
Speaker 3: out how they did this. Oh, it's actually according to

567
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:52,000
Speaker 3: the Journal of plos Genetics. So they possibly went through

568
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:53,200
Speaker 3: genetic testing of these people.

569
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,760
Speaker 1: Even so when.

570
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,439
Speaker 5: People make these type of statements and we do this

571
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,560
Speaker 5: type of study, I'm looking to see exactly where you

572
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:02,240
Speaker 5: performed study it like what regions, what area?

573
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:03,959
Speaker 2: Now when they started dying, it was digging up their

574
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:04,359
Speaker 2: grades and.

575
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:08,160
Speaker 5: Was like, I want to know because certain cultures maybe,

576
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,120
Speaker 5: but when we say, oh so you know.

577
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,399
Speaker 7: What I was just thinking of. There's a documentary on

578
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:14,720
Speaker 7: Netflix with the guy.

579
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,240
Speaker 3: Who had given the sperm.

580
00:26:16,359 --> 00:26:18,560
Speaker 7: Yes, yes, and they were talking about how it literally

581
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:22,359
Speaker 7: affects a country. Yes, because now what happens is he

582
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:26,919
Speaker 7: did sperm donation with so many women in one particular

583
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,560
Speaker 7: area that these kids are going to meet one day

584
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:33,159
Speaker 7: and be slightly connected to their half brother ten percent

585
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:33,960
Speaker 7: not knowing.

586
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:35,000
Speaker 2: Y'all should look at it.

587
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,560
Speaker 3: It's called uh, I have a thousand Babies or something

588
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:39,919
Speaker 3: like that, something like that, and it's on Netflix, and

589
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:43,399
Speaker 3: it's literally the conversation around sperm donating because if you

590
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:47,720
Speaker 3: if you donate your sperm to a small demographic. These

591
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:48,760
Speaker 3: kids are all technical.

592
00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:50,960
Speaker 7: So they were talking about being on a playground, putting

593
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,040
Speaker 7: the kids in a playground and just like naturally get

594
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:54,720
Speaker 7: a little crush on someone, like you really have to

595
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:55,760
Speaker 7: keep these kids apart.

596
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:57,479
Speaker 2: But the naturally you go have a crush on your

597
00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:58,000
Speaker 2: siblings to.

598
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:01,040
Speaker 5: No naturally have a crush on because of the chemistry,

599
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,480
Speaker 5: you won't know, oh not.

600
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:06,720
Speaker 7: Science talk about that. Let me tell you it's crazy

601
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,119
Speaker 7: about you saying that. Yeah, oh my god, she's the

602
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:09,760
Speaker 7: only child.

603
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:10,560
Speaker 1: My aunt Dally.

604
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,800
Speaker 7: I don't have something or anything, but I was in

605
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,640
Speaker 7: a Walmart talking to this lady.

606
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:16,919
Speaker 2: I don't know if I told this on Horrible.

607
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,760
Speaker 7: This was in DeLand, Florida, years ago. I'm like nineteen

608
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:24,280
Speaker 7: years old. This lady, something about her energy just made

609
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:30,120
Speaker 7: me excited about her. So basically we start talking. She's

610
00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:32,000
Speaker 7: in her fifties. I'm nineteen years old. I'm like, oh

611
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:34,080
Speaker 7: my god, you just remind me of my mom. She's like,

612
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:35,800
Speaker 7: where's your mom from. I was like, it's from New York,

613
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:37,560
Speaker 7: but she moved down here. My grandma moved here too.

614
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:39,760
Speaker 7: And she's like, what's your mom's name?

615
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:40,480
Speaker 1: I said, Jewel.

616
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:44,520
Speaker 7: She starts crying and she's like, that's my niece. Oh

617
00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:47,240
Speaker 7: wo like removed or whatever, like not like super close,

618
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:48,320
Speaker 7: but like the next one.

619
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:50,800
Speaker 1: I'm like what. She's like, I'm your auntie.

620
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:51,240
Speaker 3: Bro.

621
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,879
Speaker 7: Literally spent maybe every other thing's given with them and

622
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:57,520
Speaker 7: oh wow, met her in a Walmart. Say that to

623
00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:01,000
Speaker 7: say there is something about chemistry between family, which is crazy.

624
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:03,960
Speaker 3: I can't get my sister but for my daddy.

625
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,320
Speaker 7: So you can actually need someone must just say that

626
00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:07,400
Speaker 7: was a romantic connection.

627
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:10,160
Speaker 3: I felt attached to this person. I might be adopted.

628
00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:11,760
Speaker 3: Then I might need to talk to my parents now

629
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,000
Speaker 3: because I ain't got some of my some of my

630
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:20,560
Speaker 3: mother like a family. No connection and no connection. No no, no,

631
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:22,040
Speaker 3: me and my mam are the same person.

632
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:24,359
Speaker 1: But you said no connection. Chemistry is different from connection.

633
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:26,200
Speaker 3: Oh okay, girl, That's what I'm talking about.

634
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:29,639
Speaker 6: You know what, No shade, but we got chemistry week, dude,

635
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:32,000
Speaker 6: I'm just saying, you have we do?

636
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:34,560
Speaker 3: We do? It could be a biracial thing.

637
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:38,560
Speaker 2: I have a lot of biracial No, I'm just saying

638
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:39,080
Speaker 2: that might be.

639
00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:41,240
Speaker 3: I hated it. It could be biracial in Orlando.

640
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:42,760
Speaker 7: I just don't like talking about it right now because

641
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:45,560
Speaker 7: after this election and ver Roads, I just hate being biracial.

642
00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:45,680
Speaker 6: Bro.

643
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:47,880
Speaker 2: No, no, no, I love my father, but we got it.

644
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,760
Speaker 2: I wish my mom just went a little more to

645
00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:51,520
Speaker 2: the other side of Africa instead of the middle East,

646
00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:52,160
Speaker 2: he's a different one.

647
00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:54,640
Speaker 3: We can't claim the Biracials that really want to know, it's.

648
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,080
Speaker 7: Not we're all in the same. No, no, no, no, no,

649
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:59,280
Speaker 7: there's different birational. There's not Patrick mahons all these niggas.

650
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,080
Speaker 7: Patrick mahonmesay like he's leaning a little more on the

651
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:02,840
Speaker 7: palm side.

652
00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:03,400
Speaker 3: Zoe.

653
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:07,080
Speaker 1: There different, there's a difference.

654
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:12,040
Speaker 3: I don't claim a Biracials, but I'm saying they muddy.

655
00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:13,680
Speaker 1: The water for us. I get you.

656
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:15,840
Speaker 7: Do you understand why we got so many black women

657
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,120
Speaker 7: that because we are the opposite of racials.

658
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:18,360
Speaker 3: They know.

659
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:20,120
Speaker 1: But then once in the blue we come out.

660
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:26,400
Speaker 3: We ain't muddy ship. Let's stilly. They're gonna be like,

661
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:30,400
Speaker 3: see only Mandy and the brother history money. We're not

662
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:33,640
Speaker 3: gonna do that. We ain't muddy ship, no money and

663
00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:35,640
Speaker 3: in the blood she would have divorced them.

664
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:38,080
Speaker 2: Look at us, A screw is loose, ain't And I

665
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:39,080
Speaker 2: talk to yourself.

666
00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:42,280
Speaker 1: That connection.

667
00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:43,720
Speaker 3: We are different viracials.

668
00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:45,440
Speaker 2: All right, y'all.

669
00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:48,800
Speaker 3: We we got our reaction. These are these are some

670
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,920
Speaker 3: uh touch topics. Because this next one, baby, we have

671
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:57,120
Speaker 3: a video to play, and I'm really excited because with

672
00:29:57,320 --> 00:30:00,960
Speaker 3: this clip, I want to talk about how we kind

673
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:03,720
Speaker 3: of connect as human beings. Right, Because when you're married,

674
00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,720
Speaker 3: there of course is a romantic relationship. But before a

675
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:10,560
Speaker 3: romantic relationship, it's specifically with you, there was a friendship, right.

676
00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:14,120
Speaker 3: I will say our friend zone before I get romantic,

677
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:16,680
Speaker 3: like in a way to when our friends on you,

678
00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:18,600
Speaker 3: I don't think of you as a partner. If I

679
00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:20,400
Speaker 3: think of you as a partner, I jump right into

680
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:22,840
Speaker 3: I see you as a partner, not friendship.

681
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:23,920
Speaker 1: Where you you can compartmentalize it.

682
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:24,400
Speaker 2: It's different.

683
00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:28,040
Speaker 3: I do a lot. That's the word from them. I'm sorry, okay, no,

684
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:31,880
Speaker 3: So I'm gonna play this. I want to play this clip. Dave,

685
00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:35,920
Speaker 3: you got it put up for us, and we're gonna

686
00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:40,400
Speaker 3: I'm excited to kind of see your thoughts on this.

687
00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:44,160
Speaker 4: I don't particularly want to be a mother have children

688
00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:46,880
Speaker 4: to me. I think it's basically for us, you know,

689
00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:50,400
Speaker 4: companionship and security. And I think it'd be rather interesting

690
00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:53,800
Speaker 4: to marry a homosexual for this, because you could establish

691
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:59,040
Speaker 4: a good relationship, a sort of deep respect for relationship,

692
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:01,160
Speaker 4: and yet you could your own life apart.

693
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,320
Speaker 3: So this is a woman from nineteen sixty four. I'm

694
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:06,680
Speaker 3: going to summarize it. She basically said that she would

695
00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:10,440
Speaker 3: like to marry all homosexual because she believes that in relationship,

696
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:13,880
Speaker 3: the companionship comes from being friends, and it would be

697
00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:17,960
Speaker 3: easier for her to be married with someone who's homosexual

698
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:20,840
Speaker 3: because they can respect each other. They could allow each

699
00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 3: other to have separate lives apart, but still have respect

700
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:28,320
Speaker 3: for each other within the relationship, almost to insinuate that

701
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:31,960
Speaker 3: when you're with someone maybe on a heterosexual scale, or

702
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:34,960
Speaker 3: lean in romantically with the love of your life that way,

703
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:37,520
Speaker 3: that you lose the respect, you lose the friendship, you

704
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:41,160
Speaker 3: lose the fun out of it. I think that that's

705
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:43,760
Speaker 3: kind of a bit been my perception as well.

706
00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:45,840
Speaker 2: We always say, right, sex complicates things.

707
00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:50,080
Speaker 3: We always put these boundaries with our romantic partnerships that

708
00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:52,600
Speaker 3: we don't necessarily put with our friendships. And I think

709
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:54,160
Speaker 3: Weezie and I have been talking about that a lot,

710
00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:58,480
Speaker 3: like how we show up differently with our romantic partners,

711
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:01,640
Speaker 3: differently than how we show up as daughters to our parents,

712
00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:04,240
Speaker 3: and different how we show up as friends within our friendships.

713
00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:07,840
Speaker 3: So I want to ask you specifically your thoughts on

714
00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:09,920
Speaker 3: this video, and then we're gonna deep die.

715
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:14,320
Speaker 5: Okay, So first, on the video with her desiring to

716
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:17,480
Speaker 5: marry someone that is homosexual, and she's known the orientation

717
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:20,400
Speaker 5: of them, so I'm looking at different factors. If you're

718
00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:23,600
Speaker 5: wanting to marry someone solely for companionship, then that's the

719
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:26,680
Speaker 5: only aspect that you're really prioritizing. So it doesn't have

720
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:30,240
Speaker 5: the heterosexual expectations that you see in a heterosexual relationship.

721
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:32,360
Speaker 1: It's not there. So sex and stuff and all that.

722
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:38,120
Speaker 5: Yeah, so sex and stuff like that doesn't necessarily mean

723
00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:40,000
Speaker 5: that it has to be a part of companionship. She

724
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:42,800
Speaker 5: just wants someone to give her a sense of emotional fulfillment,

725
00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 5: but also be able to help I guess with parenting

726
00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:47,800
Speaker 5: or whatever it is that she wants with Some people

727
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:48,520
Speaker 5: actually do that.

728
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:50,360
Speaker 2: Can I break this energy for a second.

729
00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:53,120
Speaker 7: This is a really sadass video to me, okay, and

730
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:55,480
Speaker 7: I feel like a lot of the conversations we've been

731
00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:59,600
Speaker 7: having recently are all disappointment from men. Can we just

732
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:05,480
Speaker 7: talk about how your relationship and marriage is healthy? Tell

733
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:08,640
Speaker 7: us things that I don't know, just way acts of

734
00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:10,680
Speaker 7: love you Shovije. I just want to hear about it

735
00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:13,600
Speaker 7: because I'm almost a little tired of like, no shade

736
00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:15,520
Speaker 7: I know you picked the slip even I bring it up.

737
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:17,640
Speaker 7: I feel like we talk so much about the bad,

738
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:20,960
Speaker 7: Like we're sitting here with well, your husband's on all

739
00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:23,240
Speaker 7: the mic, but just talk about having a healthy marriage

740
00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:24,360
Speaker 7: and how it's possible.

741
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:24,520
Speaker 1: And you're young.

742
00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:27,240
Speaker 7: Why are you happy? How have you found this happiness?

743
00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:29,720
Speaker 7: How do you navigate good conversations? Like I kind of

744
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:30,280
Speaker 7: want to hear that.

745
00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:32,600
Speaker 1: Well, I'm gonna give you healthy by my definition.

746
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:36,240
Speaker 5: Yeah, healthy by my definition is really creating a safe

747
00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:38,560
Speaker 5: space for both of us. That means that you get

748
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:40,880
Speaker 5: to be yourself authentically and I get to beat myself

749
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:44,680
Speaker 5: authentically as well, And that leans back to that friendship.

750
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:47,560
Speaker 5: Friendship is us being able to open up even about

751
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,880
Speaker 5: our insecurities, about our worries, about our doubts, without the judgment,

752
00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:55,840
Speaker 5: without criticizing one another. Also practicing a lot of connective skills,

753
00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:59,440
Speaker 5: a lot of connection activities. So being emotionally intimate is

754
00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:03,160
Speaker 5: what a lot of people actually lack in their relationships.

755
00:34:03,200 --> 00:34:04,280
Speaker 1: So we do.

756
00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:08,200
Speaker 5: Things together Togetherness is prioritize us. Being able to sit

757
00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:11,400
Speaker 5: and talk and be able to reveal what we're truly

758
00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:15,640
Speaker 5: feeling is important. Also, our identities we merge but we

759
00:34:15,719 --> 00:34:17,400
Speaker 5: have limits on how much we merge.

760
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:18,760
Speaker 1: That's where a lot of people fail.

761
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:21,640
Speaker 5: They get in, they merge identities, and then the life

762
00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:23,319
Speaker 5: becomes what can I do for you?

763
00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:26,840
Speaker 2: That's not our life a library emerging identities. For example,

764
00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:27,520
Speaker 2: when you said.

765
00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:30,239
Speaker 7: That just now, I thought about working together. Couples that

766
00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:32,640
Speaker 7: started business together, tell me how you don't money?

767
00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:33,520
Speaker 1: See that?

768
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:36,239
Speaker 5: And that's not necessarily merging identities when we're if we're

769
00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:40,440
Speaker 5: speaking about just being in a partnership, a business partnership,

770
00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:43,200
Speaker 5: that's completely different. In a business partnership, you can separate

771
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:47,440
Speaker 5: your actual emotional partnership from the business.

772
00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:49,040
Speaker 2: So how's a merging of an identity? Is it like

773
00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:49,680
Speaker 2: sharing friends?

774
00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:49,759
Speaker 4: Like?

775
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:50,480
Speaker 1: What does that look like?

776
00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:54,200
Speaker 5: It's when I take on all of your interests, Like

777
00:34:54,360 --> 00:35:00,239
Speaker 5: I lose myself by trying to do exactly I'm conform

778
00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,759
Speaker 5: to what I believe you want of me, or I'm

779
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:06,440
Speaker 5: conforming to what I see that you do. That's merging

780
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:08,640
Speaker 5: your identity. Like at this point, we're not doing things

781
00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:11,160
Speaker 5: for ourselves. We're not still having our own friendships, we're

782
00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:13,839
Speaker 5: not pursuing our own hobbies, we're not engaging in our

783
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:16,600
Speaker 5: own interests. We're just living for one another. Me and

784
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:19,600
Speaker 5: my husband don't do that. We have that's a hard boundary.

785
00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:22,239
Speaker 5: It's like, look, I'm here for you, yes I will.

786
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:24,840
Speaker 5: I'm married to you, but i still have my friendships.

787
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:26,640
Speaker 5: As long as I'm respecting my marriage, as long as

788
00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:29,360
Speaker 5: I'm still being an integral person, that's fine.

789
00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:31,359
Speaker 1: How do you do?

790
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:33,440
Speaker 2: Tell me more about the connective activities.

791
00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:37,200
Speaker 5: So if we're talking about emotional connection, because it's different

792
00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:39,359
Speaker 5: forms of intimacy, I'm speaking on intimacy when I say

793
00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:42,000
Speaker 5: that we have physical, we have emotional, we have intellectual,

794
00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:44,560
Speaker 5: we have sexual, we have financial intimacy.

795
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:45,920
Speaker 1: There's different forms of intimacy.

796
00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:48,319
Speaker 5: So when I'm talking about connection on an emotional level,

797
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:51,319
Speaker 5: that means we're sitting, We're talking about our bad things,

798
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:53,600
Speaker 5: we're talking about our good things. We're talking about our traumas,

799
00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:55,480
Speaker 5: we're talking about our past. We're talking about how we

800
00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:58,399
Speaker 5: feel in this moment, and we're providing that safety. We're

801
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:00,320
Speaker 5: not interrupting each other, we're not being this fact that

802
00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:03,440
Speaker 5: we're actually listening. Those are forms of emotional intimacy, but

803
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:06,319
Speaker 5: we bring in other forms of intimacy as well. Intellectual

804
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:08,600
Speaker 5: we talk a lot about things that are happening in

805
00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:11,200
Speaker 5: the world. We do a lot of intellectual things together.

806
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:16,160
Speaker 5: It helps us expand our minds, like financial intimacy, talking

807
00:36:16,160 --> 00:36:18,600
Speaker 5: about your finances and things like that. Working through these

808
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:23,000
Speaker 5: things while still maintaining connection, physical intimacy, holding hands, cuddling,

809
00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:26,040
Speaker 5: doing stuff like that, sexual intimacy, engaging of course, and sex,

810
00:36:26,080 --> 00:36:29,799
Speaker 5: benetrative sex and stuff like that. You got it, So

811
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:32,560
Speaker 5: I think that if you. But I think because I

812
00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:35,239
Speaker 5: always say, the foundation of any form of intimacy is

813
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:36,480
Speaker 5: your emotional intimacy.

814
00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:38,440
Speaker 1: That's the breeding ground for everything.

815
00:36:38,520 --> 00:36:39,440
Speaker 2: Now let me ask you this.

816
00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:41,600
Speaker 7: I've got a homegirl of mine who's a little more

817
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:44,520
Speaker 7: old school to me, and she heard me say something

818
00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:46,359
Speaker 7: on the phone so my man, and she goes, you

819
00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:47,840
Speaker 7: share too much. I can't remember what it was. It

820
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:50,600
Speaker 7: was an insecurity I had on I like her. She's like,

821
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:52,920
Speaker 7: you shared too much. You shouldn't have told him that

822
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:55,600
Speaker 7: you're insecure about that, And I'm like.

823
00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:57,960
Speaker 1: How now, hold on?

824
00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:03,160
Speaker 7: I think I started to maybe okay because I because

825
00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:06,520
Speaker 7: you just said so. Her and I like were not arguing,

826
00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:08,560
Speaker 7: but she was like, you shouldn't. I really want to

827
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:10,239
Speaker 7: tell y'all what it was. I have no shame I

828
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:13,640
Speaker 7: just can't remember if. Okay, but it was something about

829
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:18,280
Speaker 7: a physical insecurity I was having, maybe I was feeling

830
00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:19,920
Speaker 7: I don't know if it was weight or what.

831
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:21,239
Speaker 2: I don't remember what it was.

832
00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:25,759
Speaker 7: But basically in this conversation, she goes, he can't be

833
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:27,799
Speaker 7: or everything. You need to dump that onto me. You

834
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,440
Speaker 7: need to jump that onto your homegirls, don't let this

835
00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:33,440
Speaker 7: man see you. Okay, you like to take it back?

836
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:36,719
Speaker 2: Now, why can't I share with him how I'm feeling because.

837
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:37,319
Speaker 1: I want him to know that.

838
00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:41,279
Speaker 5: It's not necessarily that. I think she's looking more at

839
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:44,600
Speaker 5: possible codependent tendencies. I think that's what she's highlighting because

840
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:49,040
Speaker 5: in certain situations, in certain relational dynamics, when you're sharing

841
00:37:49,080 --> 00:37:51,520
Speaker 5: a lot, when you're sharing insecurities, if you're looking for

842
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:54,319
Speaker 5: them to be the sole source of securing that insecurity,

843
00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:56,720
Speaker 5: that's when it's a problem. It's fine with you sharing

844
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:59,440
Speaker 5: certain things, but there are certain conversations that you probably

845
00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:01,520
Speaker 5: should just out with your friends and let your friends

846
00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:02,279
Speaker 5: help you navigate that.

847
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:06,200
Speaker 7: So, then how do we fix this If I'm feeling, uh,

848
00:38:07,719 --> 00:38:10,560
Speaker 7: I don't know something with my body issues right because

849
00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:13,279
Speaker 7: I have fibroids, and so since I was working through

850
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:15,719
Speaker 7: getting them smaller. I couldn't really work out, and I'm

851
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:17,520
Speaker 7: starting to see like weight get put on. I'm like, well,

852
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:19,000
Speaker 7: I'm not feeling good. I'm not feeling good about this.

853
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:21,920
Speaker 7: I really hold that all in and don't tell my

854
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:23,239
Speaker 7: partner that I'm feeling.

855
00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:28,120
Speaker 5: Like you can. This is where we're's that codependency. Set

856
00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:31,800
Speaker 5: your boundary with yourself because you have to understand any

857
00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:34,880
Speaker 5: problem that you present to a man, his natural instinct

858
00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:38,320
Speaker 5: is to solve it anything. So this becomes a burden

859
00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:41,560
Speaker 5: when it becomes continuous. So yes, we can. I can

860
00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:44,000
Speaker 5: tell you if I constantly feel like that, Yeah, now

861
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:45,560
Speaker 5: you can feel that you have the right to feel it.

862
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:48,080
Speaker 5: I can tell you that, hey, today i'm feeling insecure.

863
00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:51,359
Speaker 5: I'm not really feeling myself. And then, of course, every day, if.

864
00:38:51,239 --> 00:38:52,640
Speaker 2: You wake up telling me I.

865
00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:58,000
Speaker 3: Don't have time every day, you look great.

866
00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:00,560
Speaker 5: Right, I can give you the reassurance, But we can't

867
00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:03,319
Speaker 5: make this something that's own going because then it's going

868
00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:05,080
Speaker 5: to feel like his reassurance is going board.

869
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:06,400
Speaker 1: You can't be dumping on somebody.

870
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:09,520
Speaker 3: Yeah. I actually have a question too, because we talked

871
00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:13,719
Speaker 3: about healthy relationships and healthy marriages and things like that.

872
00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:17,040
Speaker 3: But we also we're talking about friendship. She wanted companionship,

873
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:21,120
Speaker 3: and so because so many people start as friends before

874
00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:23,840
Speaker 3: they get into a relationship and then eventually end up

875
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:27,200
Speaker 3: married if that's their end goal, how is it possible

876
00:39:27,719 --> 00:39:32,080
Speaker 3: to maintain a healthy friendship when betrayal is introduced into

877
00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:33,719
Speaker 3: the romantic relationship?

878
00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:35,440
Speaker 1: Or I gotta go through steps on this one.

879
00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:40,680
Speaker 3: Because that's the thing that's the reality too, right, like damn?

880
00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:43,080
Speaker 3: Like as a partner, Yeah, okay, you betrayed me because

881
00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:46,799
Speaker 3: you cheated on me, like again in romance. In romantic partnerships,

882
00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:50,000
Speaker 3: there's a level of that, there's different boundaries that are set,

883
00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:53,880
Speaker 3: there's different expectations on them. When when they're a friend,

884
00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:57,200
Speaker 3: those are completely different expectations and boundaries as well. And

885
00:39:57,280 --> 00:39:59,880
Speaker 3: so when you're merging this person to show up as both,

886
00:40:00,719 --> 00:40:03,880
Speaker 3: how do you keep a healthy relationship when they're fucking

887
00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:07,759
Speaker 3: up as a partner? And is it possible to keep

888
00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:10,920
Speaker 3: that friendship after so many boundaries across romantically?

889
00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:16,000
Speaker 5: Well, I think healthy is subjective, So I'm be the

890
00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:20,520
Speaker 5: light on that term. When someone betrays you, whether it's

891
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:25,320
Speaker 5: intentional or not, it becomes an attachment injury. So there's

892
00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:28,040
Speaker 5: no way when it damages the connection for that to

893
00:40:28,239 --> 00:40:31,920
Speaker 5: stay healthy in that moment. So if you realize that

894
00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:35,200
Speaker 5: now this person has betrayed me in some sense, now

895
00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:37,960
Speaker 5: we have to do the restorative work. We have to

896
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:40,240
Speaker 5: recognize that there is now an attachment injury.

897
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:43,320
Speaker 1: There's been. So either you broke my trust, you broke

898
00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:43,880
Speaker 1: the security.

899
00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:47,120
Speaker 5: Because when we're speaking of attachment, certain attachments need trust,

900
00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,600
Speaker 5: they need security, they need loyalty and things like that.

901
00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:52,719
Speaker 5: So now you've injured that. So now my perception of

902
00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:55,960
Speaker 5: security looks completely different. Now we need to have these conversations.

903
00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:58,920
Speaker 5: We need to talk about what this act of betrayal

904
00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:02,680
Speaker 5: was because when if you're speaking of a friendship in

905
00:41:02,719 --> 00:41:05,360
Speaker 5: a relationship and things like that, and you're prioritizing the

906
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:08,839
Speaker 5: friendship or the companionship, it's like it's like a double

907
00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:11,160
Speaker 5: effect almost in a sense. So now I have to

908
00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:13,120
Speaker 5: look and see that how you as my friend and

909
00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:15,719
Speaker 5: how you as my partner has betrayed me.

910
00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:17,239
Speaker 1: I have different levels to this.

911
00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:19,680
Speaker 5: Now I need to look at the severity and intensity

912
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,480
Speaker 5: of the betrayal, how it has truly affected me, and

913
00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:24,680
Speaker 5: I need to be able to talk to you about it.

914
00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:27,200
Speaker 5: It means you can't be dismissing, you can't be justifying,

915
00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:29,160
Speaker 5: you can't be arguing, you can't be shift and blame.

916
00:41:29,239 --> 00:41:31,160
Speaker 5: You need to hear exactly how you have impacted me

917
00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:34,120
Speaker 5: and then truly own up to what it is that

918
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:37,480
Speaker 5: you did. The safety measures are important when we're talking

919
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:39,520
Speaker 5: about restoring, because we need to be able to talk.

920
00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:41,920
Speaker 5: I need to be able to ask those questions because

921
00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:45,120
Speaker 5: now I have difficult Yeah, I have assumption and curiosity,

922
00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:47,640
Speaker 5: and oftentimes we see when people betray someone and they

923
00:41:47,719 --> 00:41:50,759
Speaker 5: hurt someone, they try to speed up the process. No,

924
00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:53,880
Speaker 5: in this process, I need emotional space. Now I need

925
00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:56,840
Speaker 5: to process my emotions. I need to process the assumptions

926
00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:58,759
Speaker 5: that are attached with these emotions as well. I need

927
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:00,919
Speaker 5: to process these triggers, and I may not be able

928
00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:03,120
Speaker 5: to process them around you. So now I'm going to

929
00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:05,160
Speaker 5: create this emotional space to be able to get through this.

930
00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:08,480
Speaker 5: But I do have questions. Most people will ask, why

931
00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:10,359
Speaker 5: did you do it? Was I not good enough? Did

932
00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:11,880
Speaker 5: you not love me? Did you not think about me?

933
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:13,799
Speaker 5: You have all of these assumptions that start to come up,

934
00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:15,880
Speaker 5: and a person who is the offending partner needs to

935
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:18,000
Speaker 5: be able to sit through that. That's where that test

936
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:20,240
Speaker 5: of friendship is going to come through. If we remove

937
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:23,480
Speaker 5: the title of lovers and we are here just as friends.

938
00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:25,080
Speaker 5: As a friend, you would hear me, because I know

939
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:26,000
Speaker 5: you would hear your friends.

940
00:42:26,040 --> 00:42:26,239
Speaker 3: Yep.

941
00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:28,960
Speaker 5: Let's remove the expectations of a relationship and let's just

942
00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:31,440
Speaker 5: talk friendship. Can you provide a space to where I

943
00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:34,680
Speaker 5: can actually talk to you? Can you provide that safety

944
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:37,279
Speaker 5: for me to express what's going on and guess what

945
00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:39,239
Speaker 5: I'm gonna talk about it today. I may talk about

946
00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:41,160
Speaker 5: it again next week. I may talk about it the

947
00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:43,880
Speaker 5: week after that. But can you provide that space? Can

948
00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:45,719
Speaker 5: you take ownership for what it is that you did?

949
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:49,360
Speaker 5: And can you apologize genuinely with that? Apology means that

950
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:52,480
Speaker 5: we need correction as well. Can you do that without

951
00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:55,840
Speaker 5: necessarily apologizing just because you feel guilty? Can't I apologizing

952
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:56,960
Speaker 5: because you want me to hurry up here?

953
00:42:57,080 --> 00:42:59,640
Speaker 3: But where does it come from? Within our heads? And

954
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:03,120
Speaker 3: men and women? This isn't even gender base where yet

955
00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:06,200
Speaker 3: we absolutely can hear our friends out a lot more

956
00:43:06,719 --> 00:43:10,920
Speaker 3: easily and receive it and digest it way more than

957
00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:13,799
Speaker 3: a romantic partner hear them out for what hear them

958
00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:17,840
Speaker 3: out for yeah, like it, damn it really, I was really,

959
00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:20,000
Speaker 3: you know, upset that you weren't able to show it

960
00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:20,759
Speaker 3: to my birthday dinner.

961
00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:23,000
Speaker 2: I was really upset that you kind of came late day.

962
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:27,560
Speaker 3: Why you Like, there's just more casualness in telling friends

963
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:30,080
Speaker 3: how they kind of slided, how they showed up for you,

964
00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:33,880
Speaker 3: and there becomes so much pressure or anxiety around letting

965
00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:35,319
Speaker 3: your partner know they let you down. Well.

966
00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:39,160
Speaker 5: Condition and expectation is completely different in those dynamics. For one,

967
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:44,440
Speaker 5: we're conditioned with our relationships to be one to be

968
00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:47,440
Speaker 5: truly a partner, So it looks different from an actual friendship.

969
00:43:47,719 --> 00:43:49,719
Speaker 5: You can still have separate identities in a friendship, but

970
00:43:49,719 --> 00:43:52,279
Speaker 5: it doesn't necessarily feel the same in a relationship. It's

971
00:43:52,320 --> 00:43:54,560
Speaker 5: the way one point I'm going to make Biologically, we

972
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:56,919
Speaker 5: are completely different. If you ever study a man's brain

973
00:43:57,040 --> 00:44:00,279
Speaker 5: versus a woman's brain, we don't have the same into

974
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:04,000
Speaker 5: personal skills. So as women, we can sit with our friends,

975
00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:05,920
Speaker 5: we can talk to ten thousand people, and we can

976
00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:07,879
Speaker 5: take in everything that they're saying and consider it.

977
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:09,080
Speaker 1: Men don't do that.

978
00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:10,880
Speaker 5: That's the reason why in their friendships they don't have

979
00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:12,439
Speaker 5: to talk about birthdays and stuff, and they don't trip

980
00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:14,200
Speaker 5: if you miss a birthday party because they don't have

981
00:44:14,239 --> 00:44:18,480
Speaker 5: that same interpersonal effect. Yes, it's certain things in the

982
00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:21,560
Speaker 5: brain that just it doesn't signal the same. So we

983
00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:24,839
Speaker 5: have different hormones as well that send different messages. So

984
00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:27,080
Speaker 5: when we look and say when we have these conversations,

985
00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:29,560
Speaker 5: that's why I say women need to have friends when

986
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:32,120
Speaker 5: we have conversations. For men, if you come and dump

987
00:44:32,239 --> 00:44:33,839
Speaker 5: back to your point, if you come and dump all

988
00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:36,040
Speaker 5: of this stuff on them and they keep hearing it

989
00:44:36,120 --> 00:44:38,280
Speaker 5: and it's on repeat, eventually it's going to become white

990
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:40,120
Speaker 5: noise to them. And that's the reason why you sound

991
00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:41,920
Speaker 5: like you're being That's why you feel like you're being dismissed.

992
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:42,799
Speaker 1: They can't process it.

993
00:44:42,880 --> 00:44:45,840
Speaker 7: I had a conversation recently about what I share with friends,

994
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:52,719
Speaker 7: and I think keeping any major disagreement private and something

995
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:55,360
Speaker 7: I never really did before. And we have this conversation

996
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:58,239
Speaker 7: of do you really need to share anything? He asked me,

997
00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:00,000
Speaker 7: do you always feel like you need a sounding boy

998
00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:02,239
Speaker 7: if we get in a disagreement or can you ever

999
00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:06,000
Speaker 7: work on it with your own And I was like, yo, wait, wait,

1000
00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:08,640
Speaker 7: Katy got a face, what does it it's a real

1001
00:45:08,719 --> 00:45:11,000
Speaker 7: question that I had to sit with myself with. He

1002
00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:13,120
Speaker 7: was like, ain't not mad when he asked it all?

1003
00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:15,040
Speaker 7: He was like, do you always need a sounding for you?

1004
00:45:16,000 --> 00:45:18,799
Speaker 7: I think, yeah, why, I think I've always had it?

1005
00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:20,840
Speaker 7: So you don't try to judgment and you struggle with

1006
00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:21,760
Speaker 7: this not my judging.

1007
00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:23,080
Speaker 1: Let me get to it.

1008
00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:26,400
Speaker 5: No, I'm gonna get to it because I'm listening to

1009
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:28,759
Speaker 5: what you're saying. Well, let me finish why Okay, I'm sorry,

1010
00:45:28,800 --> 00:45:32,160
Speaker 5: go ahead, because I do agree with you with trusting judgment.

1011
00:45:32,719 --> 00:45:37,280
Speaker 5: I need to vent it out sometimes for what because

1012
00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:39,160
Speaker 5: that feels like the release for me?

1013
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:41,560
Speaker 2: What if you write it down well that I'm not

1014
00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:42,080
Speaker 2: sure about to.

1015
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:43,719
Speaker 7: Write you down like I thought about that when I

1016
00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:46,160
Speaker 7: was having this conversation. But it isn't always advice, so

1017
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:49,400
Speaker 7: it's not a sounding. It's two things, right, comfort or solution.

1018
00:45:49,480 --> 00:45:51,120
Speaker 7: That's what I asked when my homegirls call me now,

1019
00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:53,480
Speaker 7: But you want me to comfort you or tell you

1020
00:45:53,520 --> 00:45:56,080
Speaker 7: what to do? Favorite thing to say now because I've

1021
00:45:56,120 --> 00:45:59,080
Speaker 7: been a little too mean for me When I okay,

1022
00:45:59,120 --> 00:46:01,120
Speaker 7: so sounding, I guess word to my head is listened.

1023
00:46:01,480 --> 00:46:03,719
Speaker 7: But I really don't need the advice. Sometimes I just

1024
00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:07,600
Speaker 7: want to be like, Oh tell me then, if I'm

1025
00:46:07,600 --> 00:46:12,080
Speaker 7: that person, is that still something that's a problem. Should

1026
00:46:12,080 --> 00:46:14,120
Speaker 7: I really just be getting angry on my own or

1027
00:46:14,120 --> 00:46:15,719
Speaker 7: is it okay to release it?

1028
00:46:15,719 --> 00:46:18,680
Speaker 5: It's okay to release it. I'm still curious as to

1029
00:46:18,719 --> 00:46:21,560
Speaker 5: why you need to vent it to other people. I

1030
00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:25,839
Speaker 5: want that answer. I honestly don'tn't know. I think it's

1031
00:46:25,880 --> 00:46:29,719
Speaker 5: an only child thing. I think that maybe it could

1032
00:46:29,719 --> 00:46:32,200
Speaker 5: be a cop out, but I really believe this. My

1033
00:46:32,400 --> 00:46:37,000
Speaker 5: friends with siblings seem to be in him included, seem

1034
00:46:37,120 --> 00:46:40,680
Speaker 5: to be a lot better with managing emotions alone, and

1035
00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:43,560
Speaker 5: for some reason I can't do it, not in this

1036
00:46:43,719 --> 00:46:46,960
Speaker 5: super needy way, but I kind of do like and

1037
00:46:47,120 --> 00:46:49,400
Speaker 5: enjoy having someone there to hold my hands. I'm not

1038
00:46:49,440 --> 00:46:51,040
Speaker 5: going to get too clinical, but I am going to

1039
00:46:51,080 --> 00:46:52,880
Speaker 5: ask you, when you were younger and you had to

1040
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:56,200
Speaker 5: process certain events and process the transitions and things like that,

1041
00:46:56,239 --> 00:47:00,319
Speaker 5: who did you talk to as an only child when

1042
00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:02,080
Speaker 5: you had things that were going on in your life.

1043
00:47:02,080 --> 00:47:03,560
Speaker 5: Who was the person that you were able to talk

1044
00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:04,520
Speaker 5: to about those things?

1045
00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:05,040
Speaker 2: Nobody?

1046
00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:05,759
Speaker 3: If you?

1047
00:47:06,280 --> 00:47:09,560
Speaker 1: So you were self comfort Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it.

1048
00:47:09,600 --> 00:47:11,239
Speaker 5: Oh, so that's the reason why you need it down

1049
00:47:11,360 --> 00:47:14,080
Speaker 5: that that's the reason why, so that self comfort now

1050
00:47:14,239 --> 00:47:16,760
Speaker 5: can feel like a threat to you internally, you've gotten

1051
00:47:16,760 --> 00:47:18,440
Speaker 5: to that place to where it's like now I have

1052
00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:20,120
Speaker 5: a sense of security when I can talk and I

1053
00:47:20,120 --> 00:47:23,120
Speaker 5: can be open because I didn't have it, You're shifting dynamics.

1054
00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:25,200
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna lie because baby, I'm in a place

1055
00:47:25,200 --> 00:47:27,759
Speaker 3: where I will take it to the grave. If I

1056
00:47:27,800 --> 00:47:30,279
Speaker 3: know I don't care about what anyone's gonna say about it,

1057
00:47:30,320 --> 00:47:33,040
Speaker 3: and my decisions already made up, that's when I know

1058
00:47:33,080 --> 00:47:35,320
Speaker 3: I don't share anything. If I've already made the decision

1059
00:47:35,320 --> 00:47:37,200
Speaker 3: in my head, I have no reason to share with

1060
00:47:37,239 --> 00:47:39,960
Speaker 3: my friends what I'm about to do. Or I don't

1061
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:42,000
Speaker 3: need a soundboard, I don't need to share it. I'll

1062
00:47:42,080 --> 00:47:43,840
Speaker 3: let you know when I do it. I don't do

1063
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:46,759
Speaker 3: the as soon as I know, I don't care what

1064
00:47:47,000 --> 00:47:48,040
Speaker 3: anyone says.

1065
00:47:48,239 --> 00:47:49,800
Speaker 7: Maybe I ain't been to, I ain't shared. I'm just

1066
00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:52,360
Speaker 7: I think for me, I'm not gonna lie for major arguments.

1067
00:47:52,400 --> 00:47:54,719
Speaker 7: I actually don't do it those and it's not really

1068
00:47:54,760 --> 00:47:57,040
Speaker 7: because I don't want to. It's out of respect for

1069
00:47:57,160 --> 00:48:00,200
Speaker 7: the partner I have. I'm not gonna let you know

1070
00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:01,719
Speaker 7: that this just happened between us because it may have

1071
00:48:01,760 --> 00:48:03,920
Speaker 7: something to do with him or meet this personal when

1072
00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:05,799
Speaker 7: it comes to the little ship, like that whole tep

1073
00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:08,359
Speaker 7: argument I talked about. He wanted me to fast yea

1074
00:48:09,040 --> 00:48:10,000
Speaker 7: for some fibraid shit.

1075
00:48:10,040 --> 00:48:11,560
Speaker 2: I'm like, but I'm bleeding. I can't fast. He's like,

1076
00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:12,400
Speaker 2: you don't want to get healthy?

1077
00:48:12,719 --> 00:48:15,839
Speaker 7: To me, this is small, right, That's something I'm gonna

1078
00:48:15,880 --> 00:48:19,759
Speaker 7: call my homenger about every time. But when it's real deal,

1079
00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:22,240
Speaker 7: I feel like I can. I can manage it. However,

1080
00:48:22,360 --> 00:48:24,480
Speaker 7: I do like getting on the phone and I realized

1081
00:48:24,560 --> 00:48:28,759
Speaker 7: some people don't necessarily like or can't handle that. One

1082
00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:30,640
Speaker 7: other thing I wanted to bring up that you kind

1083
00:48:30,640 --> 00:48:33,160
Speaker 7: of just taught me about myself in a breakup I

1084
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:37,799
Speaker 7: had before with betrayal and pain. I didn't realize how

1085
00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:40,560
Speaker 7: codependent I was on him until this moment because he

1086
00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:42,040
Speaker 7: was the one who hurt me, but he was also

1087
00:48:42,040 --> 00:48:42,560
Speaker 7: fixing it.

1088
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:45,799
Speaker 2: I didn't want That's narcissism. What That's what a lot

1089
00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:46,520
Speaker 2: of narcissists do.

1090
00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:53,160
Speaker 3: It was trait of narcissism. I know, like that was

1091
00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:56,719
Speaker 3: a wanted it. No no, no no, but like that's uh,

1092
00:48:56,800 --> 00:48:59,360
Speaker 3: it's the highs and lows of dopamine and them crashing

1093
00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:01,239
Speaker 3: you and then being the to be your savior as well,

1094
00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:05,640
Speaker 3: like yeah, but I get that, but no, no, no, people

1095
00:49:05,680 --> 00:49:08,759
Speaker 3: are intentional about doing that. Let me, let me hurt

1096
00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:09,279
Speaker 3: you to save you.

1097
00:49:09,800 --> 00:49:12,400
Speaker 7: I don't think that was what happened to me. My

1098
00:49:12,480 --> 00:49:15,920
Speaker 7: ex wasn't necessarily that. But basically what would happened is

1099
00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:17,880
Speaker 7: if I got angry at him, I didn't want to

1100
00:49:17,880 --> 00:49:19,759
Speaker 7: release it to anybody else. You didn't want to talk

1101
00:49:19,760 --> 00:49:22,600
Speaker 7: to anybody else. I kept it in house with if

1102
00:49:22,600 --> 00:49:25,080
Speaker 7: I was sad, if he cheated, if he did something,

1103
00:49:25,680 --> 00:49:27,200
Speaker 7: I was like, okay, well I have to solve it

1104
00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:29,480
Speaker 7: with him. And that is real codependency. I don't know

1105
00:49:29,480 --> 00:49:31,640
Speaker 7: if that's narcissism, but that to me, it was me

1106
00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:34,440
Speaker 7: that sound like no, this one this codependency.

1107
00:49:34,440 --> 00:49:34,560
Speaker 1: One.

1108
00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:37,959
Speaker 5: Codependency falls on the spectrum so you have certain people

1109
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:39,560
Speaker 5: who need to be needed, and you have certain people

1110
00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:41,759
Speaker 5: who need other people. So she falls more on the

1111
00:49:41,760 --> 00:49:44,719
Speaker 5: spectrum of I need other people. You were you were

1112
00:49:44,800 --> 00:49:47,920
Speaker 5: using him, Like if you're using somebody to help you heal,

1113
00:49:48,160 --> 00:49:50,440
Speaker 5: to help you feel secure, to help you feel stable,

1114
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:52,399
Speaker 5: to help you regulate, and you feel like you can't

1115
00:49:52,400 --> 00:49:54,920
Speaker 5: do so that's a form of especially when he fucking

1116
00:49:54,960 --> 00:49:55,560
Speaker 5: hurt my bod.

1117
00:50:02,320 --> 00:50:04,200
Speaker 3: I want to make sure we get into the history

1118
00:50:04,200 --> 00:50:07,120
Speaker 3: of marriage here, and before we start, I do have

1119
00:50:07,160 --> 00:50:10,640
Speaker 3: a quote that I don't like to read. This does

1120
00:50:10,760 --> 00:50:15,799
Speaker 3: come from Marriage, A History How Love Conquered Marriage. This

1121
00:50:15,880 --> 00:50:18,200
Speaker 3: is a two thousand and six book written by Stephanie Coomes,

1122
00:50:18,719 --> 00:50:22,840
Speaker 3: and the quote is what marriage had in common was

1123
00:50:22,880 --> 00:50:25,400
Speaker 3: that it really was not about the relationship between a

1124
00:50:25,440 --> 00:50:28,200
Speaker 3: man and woman. It was a way of getting in laws,

1125
00:50:28,560 --> 00:50:33,000
Speaker 3: of making alliances and expanding the family labor force. Now,

1126
00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:34,920
Speaker 3: why I wanted to bring this up, and there's a

1127
00:50:34,920 --> 00:50:37,200
Speaker 3: few different things in which I want to dive into

1128
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:39,920
Speaker 3: in terms of the history of managed marriage, is because

1129
00:50:40,320 --> 00:50:42,799
Speaker 3: for so long, which is kind of where my brain

1130
00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:46,200
Speaker 3: still is, we have now gotten to a place where

1131
00:50:46,440 --> 00:50:50,080
Speaker 3: marriage is for love. You are marrying for love, and

1132
00:50:50,160 --> 00:50:54,319
Speaker 3: now it is completely removing what actual marriage was about,

1133
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:58,760
Speaker 3: which was more of a business arrangement decision between families.

1134
00:50:58,800 --> 00:51:01,759
Speaker 3: It was a financial one. It was why cousins were

1135
00:51:01,800 --> 00:51:04,200
Speaker 3: marrying each other. It was to keep the family name.

1136
00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:07,520
Speaker 3: The wealth only was in the family. And so I

1137
00:51:07,560 --> 00:51:12,799
Speaker 3: want to start there because bringing forth love as the

1138
00:51:12,840 --> 00:51:16,640
Speaker 3: premise leans more so into Christianity, And I only want

1139
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:19,600
Speaker 3: to talk about where we see marriage today and kind

1140
00:51:19,600 --> 00:51:21,520
Speaker 3: of how we've gotten so far from what it is,

1141
00:51:21,880 --> 00:51:24,759
Speaker 3: because that's where we lean into monogamy. That's where we

1142
00:51:24,880 --> 00:51:27,719
Speaker 3: lean into well I should marry you because I love you,

1143
00:51:27,840 --> 00:51:30,279
Speaker 3: or these timelines. Right, yeah, Well if you really liked you,

1144
00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:33,319
Speaker 3: he would have proposed to you back now, So can

1145
00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:37,160
Speaker 3: we start there. It started about in the nineteen fifties

1146
00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:39,160
Speaker 3: where we started marrying more for love.

1147
00:51:39,239 --> 00:51:41,200
Speaker 2: It was actually earlier than that, earlier than the fifties.

1148
00:51:41,200 --> 00:51:44,120
Speaker 3: Can we talk about it, Yeah, because it started with

1149
00:51:44,160 --> 00:51:44,480
Speaker 3: the church.

1150
00:51:44,600 --> 00:51:46,360
Speaker 1: It was at a time it was more so on

1151
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:47,279
Speaker 1: a romantic era.

1152
00:51:47,560 --> 00:51:50,000
Speaker 5: Is when you start seeing the shift before it was

1153
00:51:50,040 --> 00:51:55,880
Speaker 5: for the lineage, it was for yeah, yeah, because at first,

1154
00:51:56,160 --> 00:51:57,840
Speaker 5: if you look at the roots of marriage, it was

1155
00:51:57,880 --> 00:52:00,279
Speaker 5: for lineage, it was for wealth, it was us to

1156
00:52:00,360 --> 00:52:01,279
Speaker 5: keep the family name.

1157
00:52:01,440 --> 00:52:03,719
Speaker 1: It was you know, forming alliances and things like that.

1158
00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:08,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, all right, keep it in Okay, I'm not gonna lie.

1159
00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:09,120
Speaker 1: They did do that.

1160
00:52:09,160 --> 00:52:11,719
Speaker 5: It was such things as a brother marriage where they

1161
00:52:11,520 --> 00:52:14,239
Speaker 5: they actually did stuff like that. So stuff like that

1162
00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:17,880
Speaker 5: did happen. And then there are certain countries and stuff

1163
00:52:17,920 --> 00:52:22,080
Speaker 5: like that, like Saudi Arabia, Susin, African and Asian cousins.

1164
00:52:22,120 --> 00:52:25,440
Speaker 7: And one of my friends told me, who's running that

1165
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:28,920
Speaker 7: your father is her mother's cousin, and she told it

1166
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:32,040
Speaker 7: to me because she wanted me to know. Like, I

1167
00:52:32,080 --> 00:52:34,319
Speaker 7: don't want you to judge this, but when you come

1168
00:52:34,400 --> 00:52:36,920
Speaker 7: to this family event, like they're all connected.

1169
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:40,960
Speaker 5: Yeah, so a lot of times you saw them marrying

1170
00:52:41,080 --> 00:52:43,960
Speaker 5: like relatives and stuff like that because most times, traditionally

1171
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:45,960
Speaker 5: they shared the same value, so you already knew that

1172
00:52:46,000 --> 00:52:47,560
Speaker 5: they had a suitable partner to begin with. It was

1173
00:52:47,600 --> 00:52:49,200
Speaker 5: already a suitable spouse. You didn't have to do the

1174
00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:52,760
Speaker 5: looking and stuff like that. But in regards to now,

1175
00:52:53,320 --> 00:52:56,000
Speaker 5: which I don't like. In today's time, it is like

1176
00:52:56,800 --> 00:53:01,239
Speaker 5: it's marriage is polished. It's polished and it's advertised as

1177
00:53:01,239 --> 00:53:05,000
Speaker 5: it's supposed to just be about love and romantics. And

1178
00:53:05,040 --> 00:53:08,960
Speaker 5: it's not like I'm a true believer in my opinion

1179
00:53:09,040 --> 00:53:11,919
Speaker 5: that you're marrying for yourself and others. I don't think

1180
00:53:11,920 --> 00:53:14,840
Speaker 5: that it's just for you. Yes, you can have personal fulfillment,

1181
00:53:15,120 --> 00:53:18,480
Speaker 5: but we're thinking about our current generation, the generation after us.

1182
00:53:18,520 --> 00:53:22,040
Speaker 5: Plus marriage does strengthen communities as well. We're looking at

1183
00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:28,120
Speaker 5: the community for the community, for your own personal community,

1184
00:53:28,160 --> 00:53:30,480
Speaker 5: your own personal community, like with your children and stuff

1185
00:53:30,520 --> 00:53:34,560
Speaker 5: like that, your children, your family, not necessarily the outside community.

1186
00:53:34,719 --> 00:53:37,640
Speaker 5: Just I'm talking about familiar backgrounds and familiar community. So

1187
00:53:37,920 --> 00:53:41,480
Speaker 5: for our own personal families, we're bringing families together, we're multiplying.

1188
00:53:41,480 --> 00:53:43,600
Speaker 5: When it comes to wealth, we're investing, we're saving, we're

1189
00:53:43,600 --> 00:53:45,920
Speaker 5: doing stuff like that. But we're also thinking about the

1190
00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:51,000
Speaker 5: future generation of our kids and our cousins and our and.

1191
00:53:50,960 --> 00:53:53,920
Speaker 3: We're talking about the health of just the family, the

1192
00:53:53,960 --> 00:53:57,400
Speaker 3: community we lead into finances. And so I want to

1193
00:53:57,440 --> 00:54:00,360
Speaker 3: ask you, then, do you think it's contradictory then for

1194
00:54:00,760 --> 00:54:03,400
Speaker 3: monogamy to be tied to marriage the way it is,

1195
00:54:03,760 --> 00:54:06,640
Speaker 3: because then that limits multiplying, That kind of limits the

1196
00:54:06,680 --> 00:54:08,960
Speaker 3: resources that you have because you're only supposed to be

1197
00:54:09,000 --> 00:54:11,960
Speaker 3: with one person. Clearly, me and WEEZI are ethically non monogamous.

1198
00:54:12,160 --> 00:54:15,440
Speaker 3: So with the Church being such a premise as to

1199
00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:17,640
Speaker 3: even why you said marriage is a thing I was

1200
00:54:17,640 --> 00:54:20,640
Speaker 3: going to do because I'm Christian, monogamy is also a

1201
00:54:20,719 --> 00:54:24,960
Speaker 3: Christian thing today, even though in the Bible that wasn't necessarily.

1202
00:54:26,440 --> 00:54:28,720
Speaker 3: A lot of people had multiple wow. In the Bible.

1203
00:54:28,880 --> 00:54:31,160
Speaker 5: In the Bible, polygamy was real in the Old Testament.

1204
00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:35,640
Speaker 5: Let me see Abraham, Jacob, King, David, King, Solomon all

1205
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:39,120
Speaker 5: had multiple and they did it for the exact reasons

1206
00:54:39,120 --> 00:54:42,000
Speaker 5: that you highlighted previous. It's not until a New Testament

1207
00:54:42,040 --> 00:54:45,879
Speaker 5: where Jesus started referencing monogamous relationships. But the Bible never

1208
00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:49,839
Speaker 5: said polygamy was wrong. It never highlightedmy was wrong. What's

1209
00:54:49,840 --> 00:54:52,319
Speaker 5: the one for women? Why is there nowhere where women

1210
00:54:52,360 --> 00:54:53,320
Speaker 5: can have multiple hookands?

1211
00:54:53,400 --> 00:54:56,040
Speaker 1: There was times where women did. They did it.

1212
00:54:56,560 --> 00:54:59,440
Speaker 5: The reason why they prefer for men to have multiple

1213
00:54:59,440 --> 00:55:01,600
Speaker 5: wives is because they can duplicate more.

1214
00:55:01,640 --> 00:55:02,800
Speaker 1: They can have more children.

1215
00:55:02,840 --> 00:55:05,040
Speaker 5: You got one child, You got one woman with ten

1216
00:55:05,120 --> 00:55:07,120
Speaker 5: husbands and she got to carry a child for almost

1217
00:55:07,120 --> 00:55:10,240
Speaker 5: ten months, versus you have one man with multiple wives,

1218
00:55:10,360 --> 00:55:12,799
Speaker 5: and we can replicate. We can process this faster, we

1219
00:55:12,880 --> 00:55:15,200
Speaker 5: have more hands to work and do stuff like that.

1220
00:55:16,000 --> 00:55:18,879
Speaker 5: Although I am a Christian, okay, talk about it at

1221
00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:23,520
Speaker 5: my core I am, I still have to I can't

1222
00:55:23,560 --> 00:55:26,440
Speaker 5: be a walking hypocrite and say that the Bible did

1223
00:55:26,480 --> 00:55:28,120
Speaker 5: not reference that there was polygamy.

1224
00:55:28,560 --> 00:55:30,960
Speaker 1: It never said you cannot be a polygamous person.

1225
00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:35,160
Speaker 5: It just highlighted the complications of polygamy, like for instance,

1226
00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:39,359
Speaker 5: Jacob Abraham, their wives had tension, they had jealousy, they

1227
00:55:39,360 --> 00:55:45,080
Speaker 5: had rivalry, and yeah, King Solomon, it just it distracted

1228
00:55:45,120 --> 00:55:47,680
Speaker 5: him from God. But the Bible, when I have read

1229
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:50,560
Speaker 5: that Bible throwing through, it never said you cannot be polygamoust.

1230
00:55:50,800 --> 00:55:52,640
Speaker 5: It's just it was referenced so much in a New

1231
00:55:52,680 --> 00:55:55,759
Speaker 5: Testament that this is the dynamic that is supposed to different.

1232
00:55:55,520 --> 00:55:59,680
Speaker 7: Things though, because polygamy is really especially like referencing a

1233
00:55:59,680 --> 00:56:02,320
Speaker 7: big like a show that's where America got to see

1234
00:56:03,160 --> 00:56:05,840
Speaker 7: sister wives polygamy, like it's a man taking care of

1235
00:56:05,920 --> 00:56:08,719
Speaker 7: these households. This is not ethical nominogamy.

1236
00:56:09,120 --> 00:56:10,560
Speaker 3: Okay, well if you're.

1237
00:56:12,120 --> 00:56:14,680
Speaker 5: If you're talking about ethical nonm monogamy, well that's that's

1238
00:56:14,760 --> 00:56:17,520
Speaker 5: different I'm looking at. I'm only highlighting polygamy because of

1239
00:56:17,520 --> 00:56:19,160
Speaker 5: what you right, well, and I want to keep it.

1240
00:56:19,160 --> 00:56:21,319
Speaker 5: If we're talking about ethical nominogama, we know there's different

1241
00:56:21,360 --> 00:56:21,839
Speaker 5: factors today.

1242
00:56:21,840 --> 00:56:23,760
Speaker 7: I want but also yeah, like I think it's hard

1243
00:56:23,800 --> 00:56:26,520
Speaker 7: to we're talking about marriage and nominogamy. So I just

1244
00:56:26,560 --> 00:56:28,960
Speaker 7: want to say, like, as someone who's nominogamoist, this is

1245
00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:32,560
Speaker 7: a sexual thing. This is sexual pleasures or even for

1246
00:56:32,600 --> 00:56:35,120
Speaker 7: the vanity of just having another lover, whatever it is.

1247
00:56:35,280 --> 00:56:38,239
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, but like to me and mind you, I've

1248
00:56:38,239 --> 00:56:39,799
Speaker 2: been in a throuble. I'm not saying I might not

1249
00:56:39,880 --> 00:56:40,239
Speaker 2: end up.

1250
00:56:40,200 --> 00:56:42,600
Speaker 7: With someone like that, but it's hard to cross the

1251
00:56:42,640 --> 00:56:46,880
Speaker 7: wires because polygamy really is to strengthen families, right, and

1252
00:56:46,920 --> 00:56:48,560
Speaker 7: I don't think ethical homenogamy is.

1253
00:56:48,680 --> 00:56:50,000
Speaker 1: It's not interesting.

1254
00:56:49,800 --> 00:56:52,439
Speaker 3: Even though I want this life. I wanted to add too,

1255
00:56:52,560 --> 00:56:55,439
Speaker 3: because we were talking about the church, the babies, right,

1256
00:56:55,600 --> 00:56:59,440
Speaker 3: the procreation, the legacy and all those things. The early

1257
00:56:59,560 --> 00:57:02,920
Speaker 3: Church held the position that if you can procreate, you

1258
00:57:03,000 --> 00:57:06,520
Speaker 3: must not refuse to procreate. But they always took the

1259
00:57:06,560 --> 00:57:10,120
Speaker 3: position that they would annull a marriage of a man

1260
00:57:10,200 --> 00:57:12,600
Speaker 3: could not have sex with his wife but they could

1261
00:57:12,680 --> 00:57:15,120
Speaker 3: not conceive. So I want to ask you now because

1262
00:57:15,160 --> 00:57:18,040
Speaker 3: it says early Christian Church was a trailblazer and arguing

1263
00:57:18,120 --> 00:57:23,240
Speaker 3: that marriage was not contingent on producing offspring. So if

1264
00:57:23,240 --> 00:57:26,560
Speaker 3: they're saying that if you were, if you're having sex

1265
00:57:26,680 --> 00:57:29,000
Speaker 3: or basically you can annul a marriage if your wife

1266
00:57:29,040 --> 00:57:32,439
Speaker 3: can't have a child, is there then an option where

1267
00:57:32,480 --> 00:57:35,320
Speaker 3: you guys see it where you no longer want to

1268
00:57:35,400 --> 00:57:38,320
Speaker 3: have a child, You no longer want to procreate, but your.

1269
00:57:38,280 --> 00:57:40,920
Speaker 2: Husband that you can annul a marriage if you can have.

1270
00:57:41,800 --> 00:57:45,200
Speaker 3: The church, it says the early Church.

1271
00:57:47,360 --> 00:57:48,720
Speaker 1: The book.

1272
00:57:48,760 --> 00:57:51,120
Speaker 3: I would look up the stories she told it in

1273
00:57:51,160 --> 00:57:52,880
Speaker 3: her book, but she says the early Church held the

1274
00:57:52,880 --> 00:57:55,840
Speaker 3: position that if you can procreate, you must not refuse

1275
00:57:55,920 --> 00:57:59,280
Speaker 3: to procreate. But they always took the position that they

1276
00:57:59,320 --> 00:58:01,840
Speaker 3: would annul a marriage. But man could not have sex

1277
00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:04,720
Speaker 3: with his wife. Oh, pretty much a woman keeping sex

1278
00:58:04,720 --> 00:58:05,320
Speaker 3: from is us?

1279
00:58:05,680 --> 00:58:05,840
Speaker 4: Then?

1280
00:58:05,880 --> 00:58:06,160
Speaker 3: Mind you?

1281
00:58:06,200 --> 00:58:07,840
Speaker 2: It goes into why in the early stage.

1282
00:58:07,920 --> 00:58:10,520
Speaker 1: That's not the first time the early stages, which is.

1283
00:58:10,520 --> 00:58:12,920
Speaker 3: Why you couldn't rape your wife. For so long in

1284
00:58:12,960 --> 00:58:15,320
Speaker 3: the States, there was no you. If you were married,

1285
00:58:15,320 --> 00:58:17,120
Speaker 3: you had to have sex with your husband. There was

1286
00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:18,960
Speaker 3: no way that he was taking it from you. I

1287
00:58:19,000 --> 00:58:21,760
Speaker 3: want to ask, though, another hypothetical real quick, because I'm

1288
00:58:21,800 --> 00:58:25,400
Speaker 3: seeing it with my friends because it's where I am.

1289
00:58:25,480 --> 00:58:28,040
Speaker 3: If you no longer wanted children, weasy If you no

1290
00:58:28,120 --> 00:58:31,000
Speaker 3: longer wanted children, but you found someone you got married,

1291
00:58:31,280 --> 00:58:34,800
Speaker 3: and they wanted to have children you're married, would you

1292
00:58:34,840 --> 00:58:37,280
Speaker 3: allow them then to have children with someone else?

1293
00:58:38,560 --> 00:58:42,520
Speaker 1: Would you?

1294
00:58:43,000 --> 00:58:45,320
Speaker 3: Because you love it? But you no longer. You have

1295
00:58:45,360 --> 00:58:46,280
Speaker 3: different family planning.

1296
00:58:46,560 --> 00:58:48,640
Speaker 2: You're not compatible though I want to marry, so.

1297
00:58:48,920 --> 00:58:51,520
Speaker 1: You believe you're not going But no, I'm gonna be

1298
00:58:51,520 --> 00:58:51,920
Speaker 1: honest with you.

1299
00:58:52,000 --> 00:58:54,360
Speaker 2: We have someone right now and they want kids and

1300
00:58:54,360 --> 00:58:54,680
Speaker 2: you don't.

1301
00:58:55,560 --> 00:58:57,720
Speaker 3: You're not already married. We believe that you can change

1302
00:58:57,720 --> 00:58:59,640
Speaker 3: your mind. If we get married, you're.

1303
00:58:59,480 --> 00:59:01,480
Speaker 2: No longer come if she decided to.

1304
00:59:04,720 --> 00:59:05,160
Speaker 3: Already.

1305
00:59:05,240 --> 00:59:07,840
Speaker 2: I understand being compatible. We all have different phases of being.

1306
00:59:08,680 --> 00:59:11,880
Speaker 3: We also are talking about marriage here, and I understand

1307
00:59:11,960 --> 00:59:15,880
Speaker 3: ending a marriage comes with a lot more when you're

1308
00:59:16,000 --> 00:59:18,760
Speaker 3: when when the paper and the ink is dried, right,

1309
00:59:19,360 --> 00:59:23,360
Speaker 3: So I understand compatibility. Family planning is a is literally

1310
00:59:23,400 --> 00:59:28,360
Speaker 3: something that can change over time between health. I may

1311
00:59:28,360 --> 00:59:32,320
Speaker 3: not be able to have your children anymore as a woman.

1312
00:59:32,400 --> 00:59:35,160
Speaker 3: Should I be able to keep a man from not

1313
00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:37,360
Speaker 3: pro creating because he wants to and I maybe not.

1314
00:59:37,680 --> 00:59:40,680
Speaker 3: I may physically not be able to anymore, or I

1315
00:59:40,800 --> 00:59:43,400
Speaker 3: just may not want children anymore? Should I be able

1316
00:59:43,440 --> 00:59:46,080
Speaker 3: to tell my husband he has to accept that decision

1317
00:59:46,080 --> 00:59:48,720
Speaker 3: as well? And I think that's very real. I have

1318
00:59:48,760 --> 00:59:50,600
Speaker 3: a lot of friends right now in the conversations regarding

1319
00:59:50,640 --> 00:59:53,080
Speaker 3: beasectomies and their health not being able to have children

1320
00:59:53,120 --> 00:59:54,959
Speaker 3: right now. So if I choose to marry you because

1321
00:59:55,000 --> 00:59:57,920
Speaker 3: I love you, because we we we financially we're on

1322
00:59:57,960 --> 01:00:00,640
Speaker 3: the same way. We love each other with each other,

1323
01:00:01,040 --> 01:00:03,440
Speaker 3: I just either can't or don't want children, and you

1324
01:00:03,520 --> 01:00:06,000
Speaker 3: do what does that look like? Should I be able

1325
01:00:06,000 --> 01:00:08,800
Speaker 3: to allow my partner to go have children with someone else?

1326
01:00:08,880 --> 01:00:12,120
Speaker 5: So then if we're putting it in this type of situation,

1327
01:00:12,840 --> 01:00:15,760
Speaker 5: if you didn't have children already, okay, and the family

1328
01:00:15,800 --> 01:00:21,120
Speaker 5: planning has changed, yes, there does become a lack of compatibility.

1329
01:00:21,200 --> 01:00:23,680
Speaker 5: This is where we start grid locking on perpetual problems

1330
01:00:23,680 --> 01:00:26,040
Speaker 5: where it feels like these arguments keep coming up because

1331
01:00:26,440 --> 01:00:28,760
Speaker 5: it takes a lot of sacrifice and compromise to be

1332
01:00:28,760 --> 01:00:31,920
Speaker 5: able to work through that. If your partner, if you

1333
01:00:31,960 --> 01:00:34,000
Speaker 5: don't have kids and they're like you said at the beginning,

1334
01:00:34,080 --> 01:00:36,400
Speaker 5: we could have kids and you changed your mind or

1335
01:00:36,440 --> 01:00:39,080
Speaker 5: you can't have them, they do have the right to leave.

1336
01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:41,000
Speaker 5: They don't have to accept what it is that you're saying.

1337
01:00:41,040 --> 01:00:43,240
Speaker 1: They have the right now. Of course, according to the Bible,

1338
01:00:43,280 --> 01:00:43,600
Speaker 1: you don't.

1339
01:00:44,400 --> 01:00:47,200
Speaker 5: But I'm just saying, okay, I'm speaking now as a

1340
01:00:47,200 --> 01:00:50,400
Speaker 5: clinician because I see the problems all the time right.

1341
01:00:50,760 --> 01:00:53,000
Speaker 5: If this person's like, I want children, you promise me

1342
01:00:53,040 --> 01:00:55,440
Speaker 5: in the beginning, you change your mind and they want that.

1343
01:00:55,560 --> 01:00:57,480
Speaker 5: Why do they have to miss out on the opportunity

1344
01:00:57,560 --> 01:01:00,200
Speaker 5: to be a parent because of that? Because then you

1345
01:01:00,360 --> 01:01:03,080
Speaker 5: change what you vow to. That's different.

1346
01:01:03,280 --> 01:01:06,360
Speaker 7: And what about you needs to compromise by letting them

1347
01:01:06,360 --> 01:01:08,120
Speaker 7: start another family if you know it wouldn't make you

1348
01:01:08,160 --> 01:01:08,680
Speaker 7: happy if you.

1349
01:01:08,680 --> 01:01:11,000
Speaker 1: Want when compromise, it makes you feel empty.

1350
01:01:11,320 --> 01:01:13,720
Speaker 3: Now I really fuck with you and everything else is there.

1351
01:01:14,080 --> 01:01:16,640
Speaker 3: I just don't personally want to be a parent. I think, yeah,

1352
01:01:16,640 --> 01:01:19,840
Speaker 3: I understand compromise and sacrifice. But if I really love you,

1353
01:01:19,920 --> 01:01:21,200
Speaker 3: I think I would be open to you.

1354
01:01:21,440 --> 01:01:24,840
Speaker 5: But built I would say, okay. If I don't want

1355
01:01:24,840 --> 01:01:28,240
Speaker 5: to carry, that's different. If I don't, I don't want

1356
01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:28,560
Speaker 5: to care.

1357
01:01:28,600 --> 01:01:30,240
Speaker 3: Want to be a parent, and as a partner, I

1358
01:01:30,280 --> 01:01:31,880
Speaker 3: really want you to be happy and you really want

1359
01:01:31,880 --> 01:01:34,800
Speaker 3: to be a dad and I don't. I can't or

1360
01:01:34,920 --> 01:01:36,760
Speaker 3: don't want to allow you to be a dad.

1361
01:01:36,880 --> 01:01:40,600
Speaker 5: But I want to be with you, And so I

1362
01:01:40,640 --> 01:01:42,720
Speaker 5: look at it this way. If you want a child

1363
01:01:42,760 --> 01:01:45,120
Speaker 5: and I don't want to carry, then I can say surrogacy,

1364
01:01:45,240 --> 01:01:47,520
Speaker 5: We can try that. But if I absolutely just don't

1365
01:01:47,560 --> 01:01:50,360
Speaker 5: want children. But I this is the promise I made

1366
01:01:50,400 --> 01:01:53,120
Speaker 5: when you decided to marry me. I put that commitment

1367
01:01:53,160 --> 01:01:54,880
Speaker 5: out there, and this is one of the reasons why

1368
01:01:54,880 --> 01:01:56,160
Speaker 5: you married me. You said I would be able to

1369
01:01:56,160 --> 01:01:59,800
Speaker 5: create a family, and I took that away from you.

1370
01:02:00,320 --> 01:02:00,960
Speaker 3: That it is.

1371
01:02:01,000 --> 01:02:03,320
Speaker 5: I honestly feel like it's your responsibility then to let

1372
01:02:03,320 --> 01:02:05,880
Speaker 5: them go and actually have the family and actually honor

1373
01:02:05,920 --> 01:02:07,680
Speaker 5: their values like they want to. I don't feel like

1374
01:02:07,680 --> 01:02:10,400
Speaker 5: the first aria constant sacrifice their values because.

1375
01:02:10,160 --> 01:02:12,240
Speaker 7: Of your own selfishness. So you have a family in

1376
01:02:12,280 --> 01:02:14,440
Speaker 7: a marriage, whether there's kids or not. Now you need

1377
01:02:14,480 --> 01:02:17,120
Speaker 7: to go create another family outside of my bond to

1378
01:02:17,200 --> 01:02:19,000
Speaker 7: satisfy it. And I have to allow it because I

1379
01:02:19,000 --> 01:02:19,880
Speaker 7: don't want kids anymore.

1380
01:02:20,280 --> 01:02:23,120
Speaker 1: Oh so if they already have kids, no, I'm saying, Okay.

1381
01:02:23,200 --> 01:02:25,360
Speaker 7: You said you're married, and you decide, or he decides

1382
01:02:25,400 --> 01:02:28,120
Speaker 7: he wants kids. We already have a family, and you're saying,

1383
01:02:28,160 --> 01:02:29,640
Speaker 7: I let them, fuck bitches, I'll go let them have

1384
01:02:29,680 --> 01:02:30,040
Speaker 7: a kid.

1385
01:02:30,600 --> 01:02:30,880
Speaker 1: No.

1386
01:02:31,240 --> 01:02:34,080
Speaker 7: I don't want some bump ass nigga like fucking building

1387
01:02:34,080 --> 01:02:36,480
Speaker 7: families on some nick Cannon shit to just be outside.

1388
01:02:36,640 --> 01:02:38,520
Speaker 2: I don't think it would be that. I think that

1389
01:02:38,520 --> 01:02:39,800
Speaker 2: that's literally what it is.

1390
01:02:40,080 --> 01:02:42,800
Speaker 5: Like, if you you're not going to sleep nobody else,

1391
01:02:42,840 --> 01:02:45,040
Speaker 5: that's different. But if, like I said, if you just

1392
01:02:45,080 --> 01:02:47,160
Speaker 5: don't want to carry and I'm like, okay, yeah, but

1393
01:02:47,240 --> 01:02:50,439
Speaker 5: that means the kids wanting kids, and yes, different, Yeah,

1394
01:02:50,480 --> 01:02:52,640
Speaker 5: that's true. Yeah, So if you don't want kids, you

1395
01:02:52,640 --> 01:02:54,040
Speaker 5: don't want them in the house. So if you don't

1396
01:02:54,080 --> 01:02:56,040
Speaker 5: let them have kids with someone else, he's building a

1397
01:02:56,040 --> 01:02:59,080
Speaker 5: bond and starting a family outside of his home. No,

1398
01:02:59,120 --> 01:03:01,440
Speaker 5: we can't do that. That's going to create problems anyway.

1399
01:03:01,520 --> 01:03:03,880
Speaker 5: You should never do that. But I do understand if

1400
01:03:03,880 --> 01:03:06,520
Speaker 5: a person says that they changed their mind and they

1401
01:03:06,520 --> 01:03:10,320
Speaker 5: don't have kids, I understand if they they're like, yeah,

1402
01:03:10,320 --> 01:03:12,000
Speaker 5: it's time to just walk away from this. But you

1403
01:03:12,040 --> 01:03:14,840
Speaker 5: can't force anyone to just accept. Well, no, they can

1404
01:03:14,920 --> 01:03:18,120
Speaker 5: accept what you're the position that you have doesn't mean

1405
01:03:18,120 --> 01:03:20,320
Speaker 5: they approve of it. I can accept that you're saying

1406
01:03:20,320 --> 01:03:22,840
Speaker 5: that you don't want to have kids, right, but I

1407
01:03:22,840 --> 01:03:24,880
Speaker 5: don't approve of it. It doesn't align with my value.

1408
01:03:24,920 --> 01:03:28,120
Speaker 2: But it's bummy though, Mandy, I'm making home.

1409
01:03:28,520 --> 01:03:31,360
Speaker 3: I'm not talking about the nick, but he's single out

1410
01:03:31,400 --> 01:03:34,160
Speaker 3: here making a whole bunch of he's not married. He's

1411
01:03:34,200 --> 01:03:36,320
Speaker 3: not married to any of those, which what I'm saying,

1412
01:03:36,360 --> 01:03:36,919
Speaker 3: he's not, but.

1413
01:03:36,840 --> 01:03:38,600
Speaker 1: He's still breaking up homes and family.

1414
01:03:38,640 --> 01:03:41,040
Speaker 3: I'm very aware of that. But there are a lot

1415
01:03:41,040 --> 01:03:43,800
Speaker 3: of women, my friends included, that would be fine with

1416
01:03:43,960 --> 01:03:46,640
Speaker 3: a sperm donor or co parenting. I'm not saying that

1417
01:03:46,640 --> 01:03:48,480
Speaker 3: he would be creating a broken home if the other

1418
01:03:48,560 --> 01:03:51,200
Speaker 3: person is accepting of you. There's a lot of ways

1419
01:03:51,200 --> 01:03:53,240
Speaker 3: in which And that's what I think I really like

1420
01:03:53,280 --> 01:03:56,360
Speaker 3: about having these conversations because yes, from the outside of

1421
01:03:56,400 --> 01:03:58,520
Speaker 3: looking in you, you could sit here and be like

1422
01:03:58,880 --> 01:04:00,640
Speaker 3: they're creating a whole bunch of broke I think it's

1423
01:04:00,680 --> 01:04:03,440
Speaker 3: what we're seeing right now with Kim Newton and Jasmine

1424
01:04:03,520 --> 01:04:06,120
Speaker 3: and everyone saying, ooh, you let your man go out

1425
01:04:06,160 --> 01:04:08,120
Speaker 3: and fuck other people. It's what your friends said about you.

1426
01:04:08,320 --> 01:04:11,560
Speaker 3: There's all these outside opinions, right, but if we agreed

1427
01:04:11,920 --> 01:04:14,560
Speaker 3: to this dynamic, it doesn't have to be that.

1428
01:04:14,920 --> 01:04:15,360
Speaker 1: But sex.

1429
01:04:16,400 --> 01:04:18,200
Speaker 7: Sex is not putting another life in the world if

1430
01:04:18,240 --> 01:04:20,720
Speaker 7: I could, if a consequences.

1431
01:04:20,800 --> 01:04:23,960
Speaker 5: I think with these conversations, we keep them, we think

1432
01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:26,440
Speaker 5: we're going deeper, we keep them surface level. Look at

1433
01:04:26,480 --> 01:04:29,800
Speaker 5: the damage that it creates when you make a decision

1434
01:04:29,880 --> 01:04:33,200
Speaker 5: to go outside of your marital home to co parents

1435
01:04:33,200 --> 01:04:37,040
Speaker 5: somewhere else. Even if you to agree to it, you

1436
01:04:37,200 --> 01:04:39,800
Speaker 5: now have a child who is living under somebody else's roof.

1437
01:04:39,960 --> 01:04:42,520
Speaker 5: There is going to be some forms of psychological damage

1438
01:04:42,520 --> 01:04:44,920
Speaker 5: to you and to the person that you're married to.

1439
01:04:45,480 --> 01:04:47,680
Speaker 5: Even if they say in the moment to satisfy you,

1440
01:04:47,840 --> 01:04:50,360
Speaker 5: I agree to it, once they see that you are

1441
01:04:50,520 --> 01:04:54,200
Speaker 5: fathering another child outside of them and you have to

1442
01:04:54,240 --> 01:04:56,760
Speaker 5: actually co parent with another woman and there is still

1443
01:04:56,840 --> 01:04:59,640
Speaker 5: some form of investment that you have to put into

1444
01:04:59,680 --> 01:05:02,240
Speaker 5: that home. A person can say all day they won't care.

1445
01:05:02,440 --> 01:05:05,040
Speaker 5: The jealousy, the insecurities, the doubts will start to show

1446
01:05:05,120 --> 01:05:07,600
Speaker 5: that that's a deep connection you build with somebody, like

1447
01:05:07,640 --> 01:05:10,680
Speaker 5: you do. Bro, When I dated a man, he had

1448
01:05:10,720 --> 01:05:12,800
Speaker 5: a six year old, which that's enough time for them

1449
01:05:12,800 --> 01:05:17,400
Speaker 5: to you know, yeah, I remember genuinely not even feeling

1450
01:05:17,480 --> 01:05:21,120
Speaker 5: jealous of her, but just like wow, that's special. Like

1451
01:05:21,720 --> 01:05:24,400
Speaker 5: I don't know how I can compete with this moment

1452
01:05:24,440 --> 01:05:26,360
Speaker 5: when there's a birthday party, when there's something going on,

1453
01:05:26,480 --> 01:05:28,640
Speaker 5: like I feel like you can't really break that.

1454
01:05:28,760 --> 01:05:32,440
Speaker 1: Maybe you can't, but maybe.

1455
01:05:32,520 --> 01:05:35,840
Speaker 5: Or child you can't break family, and then that natural

1456
01:05:35,880 --> 01:05:38,560
Speaker 5: competition in comparisoness inside of you as a woman, you

1457
01:05:38,560 --> 01:05:39,280
Speaker 5: can't run from there.

1458
01:05:39,280 --> 01:05:42,160
Speaker 7: Here's the other thing, the thing with your friends with

1459
01:05:42,400 --> 01:05:46,360
Speaker 7: sperm donors or whatever. I believe at least eighty percent

1460
01:05:46,400 --> 01:05:47,800
Speaker 7: of those women he had kids with would love to

1461
01:05:47,840 --> 01:05:51,200
Speaker 7: be when the Cannon in a romantic capacity. Absolutely, maybe

1462
01:05:51,200 --> 01:05:53,160
Speaker 7: even a hundred bro I don't believe that sperm donor

1463
01:05:53,160 --> 01:05:55,360
Speaker 7: shit with them. I believe they got a rich dude,

1464
01:05:55,360 --> 01:05:56,680
Speaker 7: They'll take care of it, and they were like, okay,

1465
01:05:56,680 --> 01:06:00,800
Speaker 7: fuck it. But no, there's no way that these women

1466
01:06:00,840 --> 01:06:02,640
Speaker 7: don't have him come into their house for the night,

1467
01:06:02,680 --> 01:06:05,360
Speaker 7: spend time with their kids, and not want to emotionally connect.

1468
01:06:05,840 --> 01:06:08,560
Speaker 2: I get that, but I do just see and I'm

1469
01:06:08,600 --> 01:06:09,360
Speaker 2: aware that.

1470
01:06:11,280 --> 01:06:13,880
Speaker 3: With the conversations, there are women that want to be

1471
01:06:13,920 --> 01:06:17,480
Speaker 3: mothers more than in a relationship, and there are women

1472
01:06:17,520 --> 01:06:21,080
Speaker 3: that want kids and are finally getting their romantic relationships

1473
01:06:21,120 --> 01:06:24,080
Speaker 3: outside of who the father of their kids are.

1474
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:27,480
Speaker 7: There is the perfect testimony to someone that made that

1475
01:06:27,560 --> 01:06:31,560
Speaker 7: decision correctly. You wanted me to believe that Nick Cannon

1476
01:06:31,640 --> 01:06:33,360
Speaker 7: wasn't fucking them on a regular and do this is

1477
01:06:33,360 --> 01:06:35,120
Speaker 7: not just so transactional with these girls.

1478
01:06:35,280 --> 01:06:38,120
Speaker 5: The only way that people can actually cope with that

1479
01:06:38,280 --> 01:06:43,120
Speaker 5: is to compartmentalize, and we know that's not healthie. So yeah,

1480
01:06:43,320 --> 01:06:46,560
Speaker 5: for those specific people, the only ones. The only way

1481
01:06:46,560 --> 01:06:49,600
Speaker 5: you can do that, because you're still coping by compartmentalization

1482
01:06:49,840 --> 01:06:52,760
Speaker 5: is to put somebody put that situation in a box

1483
01:06:52,800 --> 01:06:54,440
Speaker 5: and emotionally detached from it.

1484
01:06:54,440 --> 01:07:00,000
Speaker 1: It's not healthy. Eventually it's going to Yes, it's not healthy.

1485
01:07:00,080 --> 01:07:04,200
Speaker 5: Apartmentalizing is not how partmentalization is not healthy. Interesting, You

1486
01:07:04,240 --> 01:07:06,920
Speaker 5: are putting people in mental spaces, You are putting them

1487
01:07:06,960 --> 01:07:09,400
Speaker 5: in boxes. A lot of times people use it as

1488
01:07:09,400 --> 01:07:13,000
Speaker 5: coping mechanisms or to keep themselves emostly detached from what

1489
01:07:13,120 --> 01:07:13,440
Speaker 5: it is.

1490
01:07:13,480 --> 01:07:16,080
Speaker 7: It's unhealthy, bro, can you imagine how these women feel.

1491
01:07:16,320 --> 01:07:18,280
Speaker 7: I don't know how many black, full black children he has.

1492
01:07:18,360 --> 01:07:20,400
Speaker 7: I'm going to leave that comment to myself.

1493
01:07:22,800 --> 01:07:23,600
Speaker 1: Maybe at work.

1494
01:07:23,760 --> 01:07:26,600
Speaker 7: But Nick Cannon made all these black babies, ended up

1495
01:07:26,640 --> 01:07:30,240
Speaker 7: with the white woman, Bree, and they all have to

1496
01:07:30,280 --> 01:07:33,360
Speaker 7: watch these broken black families while he's with this fucking

1497
01:07:33,640 --> 01:07:35,800
Speaker 7: white lady that he had a kid with, biracial whatever.

1498
01:07:35,800 --> 01:07:37,960
Speaker 1: Now the sun is black, but like all of this

1499
01:07:38,040 --> 01:07:38,720
Speaker 1: is toxic.

1500
01:07:39,120 --> 01:07:41,760
Speaker 7: How would you feel as Nick Cannon's thirteen year old

1501
01:07:41,800 --> 01:07:43,320
Speaker 7: knowing that he ended up with the white woman and

1502
01:07:43,360 --> 01:07:44,320
Speaker 7: not your fucking mom.

1503
01:07:44,680 --> 01:07:46,360
Speaker 1: Are you kidding me? All of that is.

1504
01:07:48,040 --> 01:07:50,840
Speaker 3: A white mom and a black dad, So that the

1505
01:07:50,920 --> 01:07:53,200
Speaker 3: whole situation that way.

1506
01:07:53,280 --> 01:07:54,400
Speaker 1: I would hope it that way.

1507
01:07:54,440 --> 01:07:57,160
Speaker 2: But if you had a black mother and that father,

1508
01:07:57,280 --> 01:07:59,440
Speaker 2: literally she didn't have no, he didn't have no babies

1509
01:07:59,440 --> 01:08:00,720
Speaker 2: with no black They're all good.

1510
01:08:01,320 --> 01:08:04,320
Speaker 3: Can you pull up the the the women they're all

1511
01:08:04,400 --> 01:08:11,280
Speaker 3: like Rachel and Latina, one of they're not. No, there

1512
01:08:11,360 --> 01:08:13,479
Speaker 3: might be bro. He did not make a whole baby

1513
01:08:13,720 --> 01:08:15,520
Speaker 3: black women. That was the whole conversation too.

1514
01:08:16,280 --> 01:08:17,920
Speaker 1: With one black woman, she still got a watch them

1515
01:08:17,920 --> 01:08:18,559
Speaker 1: with the white lady.

1516
01:08:19,360 --> 01:08:21,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm gonna be honest.

1517
01:08:21,280 --> 01:08:23,120
Speaker 7: The reason I want to get married is to strengthen

1518
01:08:23,160 --> 01:08:25,960
Speaker 7: black families. Like most of my married friends aren't black.

1519
01:08:26,280 --> 01:08:30,360
Speaker 7: Like I love seeing black love and a serious commitment

1520
01:08:30,400 --> 01:08:32,120
Speaker 7: to that way. Like I'm so happy my friends have

1521
01:08:32,200 --> 01:08:34,479
Speaker 7: recently gotten married that are black. They're young or whatever.

1522
01:08:34,520 --> 01:08:37,760
Speaker 7: But nah, brou like that shit is wrong to me

1523
01:08:38,040 --> 01:08:39,760
Speaker 7: that nigga sits up there with a turbine and be

1524
01:08:39,760 --> 01:08:42,639
Speaker 7: whole tepping and with this white lady and had twelve kids.

1525
01:08:43,160 --> 01:08:44,439
Speaker 1: No Lenisia.

1526
01:08:44,600 --> 01:08:49,639
Speaker 3: Yeah he has one black baby mom, Okay, Lenicia, and.

1527
01:08:50,200 --> 01:08:52,599
Speaker 2: Yeah, just don't think she's well Mariah Carey.

1528
01:08:53,479 --> 01:08:54,479
Speaker 3: They're all white women.

1529
01:08:54,600 --> 01:08:55,160
Speaker 1: There's no way.

1530
01:08:55,840 --> 01:09:00,960
Speaker 3: I just bro I'm telling you, well anyway are Latina.

1531
01:09:01,000 --> 01:09:03,360
Speaker 3: There's Mariah Carey and Lenicia. The rest of them are

1532
01:09:03,439 --> 01:09:07,439
Speaker 3: latinathotic or mix girl. The point is that and even

1533
01:09:07,520 --> 01:09:10,280
Speaker 3: Maria be putting all his lace front and couse playing

1534
01:09:10,439 --> 01:09:13,559
Speaker 3: black lady. And now if his daughter or son is

1535
01:09:13,600 --> 01:09:15,640
Speaker 3: watching that, I'm telling you it's gonna fuck them up

1536
01:09:15,680 --> 01:09:16,360
Speaker 3: for life.

1537
01:09:16,720 --> 01:09:16,840
Speaker 4: Up.

1538
01:09:17,520 --> 01:09:19,440
Speaker 1: Yeah. It literally makes you feel.

1539
01:09:19,520 --> 01:09:22,679
Speaker 5: Everybody that's involved in that situation, the mothers, the children,

1540
01:09:22,920 --> 01:09:25,080
Speaker 5: even Nick Cannon, they all gonna be messed up in

1541
01:09:25,080 --> 01:09:25,519
Speaker 5: the hid.

1542
01:09:26,160 --> 01:09:27,839
Speaker 1: Nick definitely gonna be messed up in tenures.

1543
01:09:27,840 --> 01:09:30,559
Speaker 3: Well, y'all, if you're messed up in your head or

1544
01:09:30,600 --> 01:09:36,000
Speaker 3: your relationship is going in a healthy direction where you're

1545
01:09:36,200 --> 01:09:38,320
Speaker 3: seeking out marriage and all the things, can you let

1546
01:09:38,360 --> 01:09:42,320
Speaker 3: our audience know, Kitty, what you specialize in, how people

1547
01:09:42,320 --> 01:09:45,759
Speaker 3: can book you for sessions or get you on a payroll,

1548
01:09:45,960 --> 01:09:49,080
Speaker 3: because I know you ain't, But also kind of the

1549
01:09:49,080 --> 01:09:51,200
Speaker 3: books and guides and stuff that you also offer.

1550
01:09:51,360 --> 01:09:54,439
Speaker 5: I specialize in DBT so dialect with behavior with just

1551
01:09:54,520 --> 01:09:58,479
Speaker 5: interpersonal and interpersonal communication. So it's focused on communication and

1552
01:09:58,479 --> 01:10:01,760
Speaker 5: strengthening relationships. Fine, you go to Kitty Rose dot com

1553
01:10:01,800 --> 01:10:02,920
Speaker 5: where you follow me a kiddy.

1554
01:10:03,160 --> 01:10:06,240
Speaker 7: Katy Rose is not a sex toy, you know what,

1555
01:10:06,800 --> 01:10:09,479
Speaker 7: Kitty roads dot com, it's gonna take me to d

1556
01:10:09,600 --> 01:10:11,799
Speaker 7: VT and not a fucking virator.

1557
01:10:12,960 --> 01:10:13,120
Speaker 4: You know.

1558
01:10:13,320 --> 01:10:14,000
Speaker 3: Hearing your name is.

1559
01:10:14,040 --> 01:10:15,400
Speaker 1: Saying your name doesn't made me take it. But just

1560
01:10:15,400 --> 01:10:17,880
Speaker 1: hearing Kitty Rose dot com. They here, they're here, talk

1561
01:10:17,920 --> 01:10:19,000
Speaker 1: to me, kitty, and they make it sexual.

1562
01:10:19,040 --> 01:10:24,440
Speaker 3: I'm like, it's not you talking.

1563
01:10:24,160 --> 01:10:27,599
Speaker 7: To the cat said your podcast name. As we started,

1564
01:10:27,640 --> 01:10:29,200
Speaker 7: I wanted to make the joke, but I was like, now.

1565
01:10:29,080 --> 01:10:31,640
Speaker 2: We have our before, it's okay, talk to me.

1566
01:10:32,120 --> 01:10:33,439
Speaker 1: It's okay.

1567
01:10:33,680 --> 01:10:34,320
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna lie.

1568
01:10:34,320 --> 01:10:35,200
Speaker 2: It is very sexual.

1569
01:10:35,800 --> 01:10:39,040
Speaker 1: What's to a person who has a sexual brain, y'all?

1570
01:10:39,960 --> 01:10:40,800
Speaker 1: I do know where I'm man.

1571
01:10:40,880 --> 01:10:43,160
Speaker 5: It used to be horrible decisions that y'all gonna have

1572
01:10:43,200 --> 01:10:44,880
Speaker 5: to start breaking apartmentalized.

1573
01:10:44,920 --> 01:10:49,040
Speaker 1: There you go, I couldn't do it.

1574
01:10:48,920 --> 01:10:52,000
Speaker 3: Well, y'all. Make sure you click the link in our bio,

1575
01:10:52,160 --> 01:10:54,720
Speaker 3: make sure you follow, make sure you book sessions, make

1576
01:10:54,760 --> 01:10:57,040
Speaker 3: sure you purchase the books. There's a lot of options

1577
01:10:57,080 --> 01:10:59,519
Speaker 3: on the site as well, and catch kitty rolls on

1578
01:10:59,560 --> 01:11:02,599
Speaker 3: tour with's conversations whenever they be in and out and around,

1579
01:11:03,240 --> 01:11:07,320
Speaker 3: god damn everywhere. And y'all, if you want the sex,

1580
01:11:07,360 --> 01:11:09,840
Speaker 3: if you want to talk to our kiddies, you can

1581
01:11:09,960 --> 01:11:13,320
Speaker 3: support us and watch over on our Patreon that's patreon

1582
01:11:13,400 --> 01:11:16,800
Speaker 3: dot com backslash Horrible Decisions where we really get into

1583
01:11:16,800 --> 01:11:19,120
Speaker 3: the nitty gritty. So this is like, this is like

1584
01:11:19,200 --> 01:11:20,920
Speaker 3: the things that you have to talk about before you

1585
01:11:21,000 --> 01:11:24,800
Speaker 3: sit here and bust it wide open to these niggas, So.

1586
01:11:24,760 --> 01:11:26,360
Speaker 2: Go listen over on Patreon.

1587
01:11:26,360 --> 01:11:31,080
Speaker 3: That's patreon dot com backslash Horrible Decisions. However, this right here,

1588
01:11:31,240 --> 01:11:34,719
Speaker 3: you were tuned in to decisions, decisions until next time.

1589
01:11:35,160 --> 01:11:36,120
Speaker 1: By my