1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dim here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:36,000 Speaker 2: On this week's episode in her Space. 12 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,600 Speaker 3: The other one is they mock you and compliment you 13 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,240 Speaker 3: at the same time, so that passive aggressive. 14 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,200 Speaker 2: Like, oh, don that article you vote was so good? 15 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:46,159 Speaker 2: Who helped you write it? 16 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:50,400 Speaker 4: Little shit like that girl, that little patty subtle shit 17 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,440 Speaker 4: where you're like, is she joking or is she not m. 18 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:57,000 Speaker 5: Or yeah when you're when you have to say to yourself, 19 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:01,560 Speaker 5: oh damn, that was a backhanded complim Oh okay, you 20 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:06,839 Speaker 5: got a question. Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated 21 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:12,000 Speaker 5: to uplifting women like you. We're your hosts doctor Dominique Brussard, 22 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 5: a college professor and psychologist. 23 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,880 Speaker 3: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker in a 24 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:22,080 Speaker 3: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood. Please 25 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:26,240 Speaker 3: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 26 00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:29,280 Speaker 3: fiboys to fake friends, and create a safe space where 27 00:01:29,319 --> 00:01:30,959 Speaker 3: black women can just be. 28 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:38,160 Speaker 5: Our quote of the day comes from Buddha. An insincere 29 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:43,039 Speaker 5: and evil friend is more to be feared than a 30 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:48,560 Speaker 5: wild beast. A wild beast may wound your body, but 31 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:53,800 Speaker 5: an evil friend will wound your mind. I'm gonna let 32 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:59,960 Speaker 5: that last part sink in. An evil friend will wound 33 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:01,120 Speaker 5: your mind. 34 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:07,200 Speaker 2: That's deep. It is right, like. 35 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 5: Damn. Like you can heal from physical wounds, but those 36 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:20,680 Speaker 5: mental and emotional wounds tough, damn. But friends, we all 37 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:24,360 Speaker 5: got them right. And one of the things that when 38 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:29,280 Speaker 5: I think about friendships, I realize that, you know, friendships 39 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:38,120 Speaker 5: evolve over time on levels. So the friendships you've had 40 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:45,360 Speaker 5: with people for years, for some of us decades, those 41 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:51,440 Speaker 5: friendships evolve, right. But then also the types of friendships 42 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:57,480 Speaker 5: that mean more to you may also evolve as you evolve. 43 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:06,000 Speaker 5: So I think about like my four year old niece, 44 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,840 Speaker 5: if I ask her who's her friends at who are 45 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:15,200 Speaker 5: her friends at school? She'll list the people in her 46 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:19,480 Speaker 5: class right and day right, and she may have one 47 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,880 Speaker 5: or two people in the class that she's closest to. 48 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:26,600 Speaker 5: Chances are the people that she's closest to in the 49 00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:32,400 Speaker 5: class or the people who also are sitting in closest proximity. 50 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,120 Speaker 2: To her right exactly. 51 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 5: That's a four year old level of friends. I ask 52 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:46,600 Speaker 5: my grandmother who's in her eighties about friends, and her 53 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 5: definition of friends may be different. And she's experienced at 54 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,880 Speaker 5: her age in life, she's experienced a lot of loss, 55 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:59,320 Speaker 5: a lot of death. So people that she's been friends with, 56 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:05,080 Speaker 5: some of them aren't here anymore. How often she sees 57 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:12,560 Speaker 5: certain friends probably some of them probably rarely and so 58 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,120 Speaker 5: and how she stays in touch with those friends may 59 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:18,520 Speaker 5: be different. She may be friends with some of the 60 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:22,279 Speaker 5: people at church that she probably a couple decades ago, 61 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,760 Speaker 5: probably would have never thought she'd be friends with, right 62 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,520 Speaker 5: and so and then. And that's a big age range 63 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,679 Speaker 5: in between, you know, like my four year old niece 64 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:36,039 Speaker 5: and my grandmother who was in her eighties. That means 65 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 5: there's a lot of room for changing evolution in between. 66 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,440 Speaker 5: And you think about the different phases of life we 67 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:47,080 Speaker 5: are in in between four and eighty something. Yeah, that's 68 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,359 Speaker 5: a lot is. 69 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:51,560 Speaker 3: It makes me think about when I was a child, 70 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,520 Speaker 3: Like when I was younger. I wouldn't say child, but 71 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,200 Speaker 3: just when I was younger, how I used to want 72 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,160 Speaker 3: everyone to be my friends. And I'm like, oh, that's 73 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,520 Speaker 3: my friend, that's my friend. My mom would be like, 74 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:01,240 Speaker 3: m that's an acquaintance. That's not your friend, right, Like 75 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,680 Speaker 3: that person not your friend. You just you know, you 76 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,960 Speaker 3: had a conversation with them and they seem cool, but like. 77 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,800 Speaker 2: What does it friend really mean to you? 78 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:08,040 Speaker 5: Right? 79 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,400 Speaker 2: That's kind of what it makes you think about. 80 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,159 Speaker 3: And also I feel like the older I get to like, 81 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:17,719 Speaker 3: I don't really have a lot of time for the friends. 82 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,799 Speaker 2: That are not getting you know. It's like it should 83 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:20,920 Speaker 2: be a give and take, right. 84 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,240 Speaker 3: I feel like sometimes you'll meet someone you click with them, 85 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,599 Speaker 3: You're like, oh, we got really good energy, but you 86 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,600 Speaker 3: have to think about how is this going to evolve 87 00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:28,479 Speaker 3: over time? 88 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,440 Speaker 2: Right, and what is it? Who is this person really? 89 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,920 Speaker 2: Because it kind of is like vetting or it's sort 90 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:33,120 Speaker 2: of like. 91 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,680 Speaker 3: Dating in a way, right, when you get to meet 92 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,800 Speaker 3: someone and then you got to see how does this 93 00:05:36,839 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 3: person act when we have a disagreement or you know, 94 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,240 Speaker 3: when I share my information a secret or information do 95 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:44,120 Speaker 3: they go and run. 96 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 2: To everybody or you know what I mean? So there's 97 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:47,440 Speaker 2: a lot to consider. 98 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:50,200 Speaker 5: There there is, And I also think about like what 99 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:51,919 Speaker 5: you as you were talking. One of the things that 100 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:57,880 Speaker 5: came up is like that friends can have serve different purposes, yes, 101 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:03,800 Speaker 5: and how long they stay? You know, you hear that 102 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:11,400 Speaker 5: phrase like reason, season, lifetime, right, that's real that there 103 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,360 Speaker 5: are people in your life, or each person is in 104 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:18,719 Speaker 5: your life for a specific reason. For some people, that 105 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 5: reason may be for them to be around for a lifetime. 106 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:27,359 Speaker 5: For other people that they may be have a small season, right. 107 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:31,920 Speaker 5: And we're in a society where we like to call 108 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:36,120 Speaker 5: everyone our friend. I was watching the CNN special on 109 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:39,640 Speaker 5: the two thousands and they were talking about the evolution 110 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:44,159 Speaker 5: of social media how it's blown up in the two thousands, 111 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:54,000 Speaker 5: and on Facebook, you can have seven thousand friends, right, 112 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 5: and we're calling them friends. But the reality is out 113 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:07,320 Speaker 5: of those seven thousand people, maybe seven are your actual friends, 114 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:12,040 Speaker 5: for real for real friends, right, what you would consider 115 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:20,600 Speaker 5: your close intimate friends. So there's so many like levels 116 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:26,040 Speaker 5: to this. So do you want to dive in? 117 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:27,800 Speaker 2: Let's do it. 118 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:33,080 Speaker 5: So let's talk about this. So I mentioned Facebook. Oftentimes, 119 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 5: the people that we have on social media. If you 120 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:39,760 Speaker 5: have seven thousand friends, have you met all seven thousand 121 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,000 Speaker 5: of those people in real life? 122 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:42,280 Speaker 2: Not at all? 123 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:47,120 Speaker 5: Doubt it, right, And chances are some of those people 124 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:51,840 Speaker 5: that you're connected with on social media you might see 125 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:57,920 Speaker 5: in the streets and wouldn't even have a conversation with them, or. 126 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 2: She wouldn't even know it was them, you know exactly. 127 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,000 Speaker 5: That's even better. 128 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:07,440 Speaker 2: Oh hey, I'm your friend on Facebook. Oh okay, that 129 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,840 Speaker 2: was awkward, and I'm just letting you know. 130 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 5: That's really you might never know those people. The majority 131 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:21,440 Speaker 5: of those people would be kind of in that category 132 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:25,559 Speaker 5: of what I would call like an acquaintance, right, Because 133 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:29,920 Speaker 5: an acquaintance is someone who isn't aware of all the 134 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:36,200 Speaker 5: intimate details of your life, right. An acquaintance to someone 135 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:40,960 Speaker 5: who the relationship is pretty surface level. If I see 136 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:45,600 Speaker 5: you in the streets, maybe I say hello, maybe I won't, right. 137 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,040 Speaker 5: An acquaintance is someone who I might not have a 138 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:54,120 Speaker 5: conversation about controversial topics with one of the things that 139 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,480 Speaker 5: people traditionally say you don't talk about. And I think 140 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,360 Speaker 5: that's this has kind of changed over the more recent years, 141 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:02,760 Speaker 5: but people generally say that the topics that you avoid 142 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:10,560 Speaker 5: in conversation religion, politics, money, and sex and sex, right, 143 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:15,360 Speaker 5: an acquaintance. You're not having a conversation with them about 144 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,160 Speaker 5: any of these things, any of these topics that's an acquaintance. 145 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,680 Speaker 5: Or if you do, it's very surface level. You may 146 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:24,439 Speaker 5: identify your political party and if they align with you, 147 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:30,560 Speaker 5: then maybe you'll have a surface level conversation about it, 148 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:35,600 Speaker 5: but you're not going to dive deep. Right. Generally, our 149 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:41,320 Speaker 5: acquaintances are people that we work with, right, And I 150 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,120 Speaker 5: know that a lot of times we get in these 151 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:49,320 Speaker 5: work spaces and the expectation is that, oh, these are 152 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,160 Speaker 5: my friends. I call this my work husband or my 153 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,520 Speaker 5: work wife, and this is my and we say that 154 00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:59,720 Speaker 5: we have this level of closeness because we spend them 155 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:04,160 Speaker 5: with already of our week with these people, right, And 156 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:08,600 Speaker 5: on some level they do know personal things about us, 157 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,920 Speaker 5: because again we're spending a lot of the majority of 158 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:16,959 Speaker 5: our week with them. Yeah. The reality though, is that 159 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:21,160 Speaker 5: they are truly an acquaintance. And I have some questions 160 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,600 Speaker 5: if you're ready, yes, to start in. Okay, so how 161 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:29,400 Speaker 5: do we know a person our colleague is an acquaintance 162 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:31,680 Speaker 5: or a friend have you ever been to their home? 163 00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:34,640 Speaker 2: See, that's a good point. 164 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:38,600 Speaker 3: I feel like most colleagues are in my experience, at 165 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:40,800 Speaker 3: least they are acquaintances. But there are some of those 166 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 3: folks that trickle in and they become deeper. You have 167 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 3: deeper friendships. So there are a few people I can 168 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,160 Speaker 3: think of. I'm like, I've been in their house and 169 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:50,000 Speaker 3: maybe they've been to mine, and we've had those conversations. 170 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,200 Speaker 3: But for the most part, I think that's spot on. 171 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:56,200 Speaker 5: Now, have you ever been to their home for more 172 00:10:56,240 --> 00:11:00,400 Speaker 5: than just I'm dropping you off from at the end 173 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:08,280 Speaker 5: of the day or outside of the holiday party, because 174 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,480 Speaker 5: we can easily be a people's homes for that, right, 175 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:14,719 Speaker 5: and they're still just an acquaintance. Do you ever get 176 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:20,120 Speaker 5: together on the weekends. If y'all have kids, do your 177 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,199 Speaker 5: kids interact? 178 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,440 Speaker 2: That's a good thing to consider. 179 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:29,040 Speaker 5: Outside of the holiday party. Have they met your spouse, 180 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:32,720 Speaker 5: your partner, or your kids or other significant people in 181 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:37,320 Speaker 5: your family, because they may know about them and seeing pictures, 182 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,520 Speaker 5: but have they met them in person? Right? Have they 183 00:11:41,559 --> 00:11:47,000 Speaker 5: ever bought you a gift based on remembering something that 184 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,600 Speaker 5: they know you liked. That's more than just an acquaintance 185 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,160 Speaker 5: at work if. 186 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:52,800 Speaker 2: They have done that. 187 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,760 Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, no, that's a good point. I think that 188 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,440 Speaker 3: I think it's important to know. I mean, I don't 189 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,520 Speaker 3: think it's necessary to like write down a list of 190 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:03,680 Speaker 3: like these are all my acquaintances, these are my friends, 191 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,800 Speaker 3: which is making a mental note because sometimes we. 192 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:08,880 Speaker 2: May put expectations on people. 193 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,240 Speaker 3: You may be vibing with this person and you're like, 194 00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:13,160 Speaker 3: you know, you sit next to each other at the office, 195 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,359 Speaker 3: so you tell them all your you know, all your business. 196 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,880 Speaker 2: And girl, let me tell you what's going on, and 197 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:17,280 Speaker 2: then you. 198 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,760 Speaker 3: Find out later, oh she done told sits down the 199 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 3: hall all your business and you're like, oh damn, I 200 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:26,000 Speaker 3: thought you were my friend, but really we were acquaintances 201 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 3: and I had this expectation from you, but that's not 202 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:30,199 Speaker 3: what it was. So I think it really is important 203 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,640 Speaker 3: to figure out, like where do these people stand, so 204 00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:35,679 Speaker 3: that you also know how to show up. 205 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:39,160 Speaker 2: Or how to have a conversation around what you might desire. 206 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,840 Speaker 3: Maybe you want this to go further. I've met people 207 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,160 Speaker 3: before and I'm weird like that where I vibe with 208 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:45,800 Speaker 3: some them, I'm like, I kind of want you to 209 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,480 Speaker 3: be my friend. We should be friends, because as an 210 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,760 Speaker 3: adult I'm like, yo, let's just be direct and it 211 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:50,920 Speaker 3: is what it is if we vibe. 212 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:54,000 Speaker 2: Yo, let's see what this friendship thing is hitting for, you. 213 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:58,280 Speaker 5: Know exactly, And so asking them so like trying to 214 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 5: make that discernment of trying to discern whether or not 215 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:07,040 Speaker 5: they are your friend, or whether they are hanging around 216 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,120 Speaker 5: you because they want to be your friend, or if 217 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,640 Speaker 5: they have an ulterior motive to go to go spread 218 00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 5: your business to everyone else in the office, or have 219 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:21,040 Speaker 5: an ulterior motive related to the work relationship, right, or 220 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:21,760 Speaker 5: just convenience. 221 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,240 Speaker 3: Maybe they're just like, yo, I'm just going to talk 222 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,640 Speaker 3: to her because she's right next to me and I 223 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:25,760 Speaker 3: don't have anyone else to talk to. 224 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,000 Speaker 5: So I think, yeah, right, So it's not that I 225 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:31,600 Speaker 5: necessarily care about it, but she right here, so I 226 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,679 Speaker 5: see her forty hours out of the week, I might 227 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:38,440 Speaker 5: as well, right. So then also figuring out, like other 228 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:43,720 Speaker 5: questions to ask, do they ask you real questions about 229 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:48,120 Speaker 5: your life goals and plans? So if they want to 230 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:51,400 Speaker 5: know more about you, that's what that's this question is 231 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,920 Speaker 5: really diving in, Like do they really care about who 232 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,240 Speaker 5: you are as a person as opposed to who you 233 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:04,960 Speaker 5: are as employee X at y company, exactly right, Really 234 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:10,120 Speaker 5: trying to get to know your non work self. Now 235 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:14,160 Speaker 5: here's an interesting one. Do they put their need for 236 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:20,640 Speaker 5: their money before your friendship? Are they so focused on 237 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:26,520 Speaker 5: their work that that is coming like they're whatever their 238 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:30,920 Speaker 5: goals are in the office is coming ahead of really 239 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,960 Speaker 5: getting to know you. They're just using you to figure 240 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,359 Speaker 5: out how to get to this next level. 241 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,720 Speaker 2: Or it's like a competition or something like that. 242 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:44,400 Speaker 5: Once you figured out that this person is maybe you 243 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:47,520 Speaker 5: know they're not so much an acquaintance that Okay, this 244 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:49,680 Speaker 5: is the person that, yeah, we we at work and 245 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:54,520 Speaker 5: we buy But this person has met my family, this 246 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 5: person has been in my house on a non holiday event. 247 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:03,240 Speaker 5: This person knows about more personal things like goals that 248 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,400 Speaker 5: I want out of life, and I know the same 249 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:10,080 Speaker 5: for them. So maybe now we have what you would 250 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:17,400 Speaker 5: call a casual friendship. Okay, okay, So with this casual friendship, 251 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,800 Speaker 5: we're making plans to kind of see each other outside 252 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:25,720 Speaker 5: of work. So, oh, let's go get brunch on Saturday, 253 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:31,360 Speaker 5: or let's have a playdate with the kids, or come 254 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,840 Speaker 5: to friends and Family day at my church. That casual 255 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,400 Speaker 5: friend is going to show up at these things, right, 256 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:44,240 Speaker 5: but you all still haven't really like gotten to know 257 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:50,320 Speaker 5: each other. So they might not know your whole family history. 258 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:54,920 Speaker 5: They might not know about your family that lives on 259 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,640 Speaker 5: the East coast when you live in on the west coast, right, 260 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,840 Speaker 5: that somebody exists over there, but they don't know details 261 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,720 Speaker 5: about that. But they're cool to hang out with on 262 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:09,800 Speaker 5: the weekends. That's a casual friendship, right. 263 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:14,160 Speaker 2: But this is someone you wouldn't necessarily call. 264 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,640 Speaker 3: And of course this is all general, right, there are 265 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,600 Speaker 3: definitely situations where you're like, wait, well, I have that 266 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,480 Speaker 3: casual friend and you know, we did this thing together. 267 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,360 Speaker 3: So this is just more like a guide for you 268 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 3: to kind of think about where. 269 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:26,840 Speaker 2: Did these people fit into my life? 270 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,480 Speaker 3: But like, typically with a casual friend, you wouldn't call 271 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:33,040 Speaker 3: them if you needed your tire fix and you have 272 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:36,640 Speaker 3: a flat it's like maybe not the casual friend right right. 273 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:40,320 Speaker 5: Right, right, unless your flat tire happened right outside or 274 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,520 Speaker 5: down the street from that friends. Right, It's about so 275 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,680 Speaker 5: in that instance, it's about convenience. Okay, Now our next 276 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:51,080 Speaker 5: level and knows I spent so much time talking about 277 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:57,040 Speaker 5: the acquaintances because the majority of us have more acquaintances 278 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:01,440 Speaker 5: than we do the other levels of friendship. 279 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,480 Speaker 2: Okay, yep, so we. 280 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:09,080 Speaker 5: Now we go, we progress from acquaintance to casual friendship 281 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,840 Speaker 5: to now we have a close friend. Right, So this 282 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:20,280 Speaker 5: close friend is this person who I'm intentional about wanting 283 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:24,240 Speaker 5: to spend time with this person, so I make it 284 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:30,200 Speaker 5: a point to find time to engage with them. This 285 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:34,800 Speaker 5: person may also be the person who, while we're having dinner, 286 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:41,200 Speaker 5: we're going to talk about more intimate details of our life. Right. 287 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:48,359 Speaker 5: So we may have a conversation about my relationship. Right, 288 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:52,800 Speaker 5: we may have a conversation about some of the struggles 289 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:57,520 Speaker 5: I might be having with my health. We may have 290 00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:02,480 Speaker 5: a conversation about how my kids are doing, truly doing 291 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:07,000 Speaker 5: in school. And so this is the person that you 292 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:09,399 Speaker 5: call on when you need them, right, So this is 293 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,439 Speaker 5: the person. This close friend is this person who you 294 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:16,600 Speaker 5: got a flat tire across town, and you're gonna call 295 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,840 Speaker 5: that person because they're gonna come sit with you and 296 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,640 Speaker 5: wait for triple A to come and change a tire, 297 00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:23,200 Speaker 5: or maybe they may get out there and change a 298 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,480 Speaker 5: tire for you because they know, because that's a skill 299 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:29,880 Speaker 5: they have. Right, that's that close friendship when you get 300 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,359 Speaker 5: that new promotion. That close friend is that person who's 301 00:18:33,359 --> 00:18:36,719 Speaker 5: celebrating with you, and it may mean now you know, 302 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:40,119 Speaker 5: over time. We talk about like how friendships evolve over time. 303 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,639 Speaker 5: Your friend that you've had since college may be that 304 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:51,320 Speaker 5: close friend, right because they know they've they've been riding 305 00:18:51,359 --> 00:18:55,400 Speaker 5: with you since college, and so chances are they started 306 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,000 Speaker 5: off as an acquaintance because it was like, oh, we 307 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:01,439 Speaker 5: had our intro to cyche class together, so you know, 308 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,359 Speaker 5: that's how we got to be friends because we started 309 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:07,240 Speaker 5: studying and then it was like, Okay, well, I guess 310 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 5: you seem cool outside of psyche class. And then you've 311 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:14,240 Speaker 5: evolved right to a casual friendship. And then you graduated 312 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:17,120 Speaker 5: and it was like, huh, isn't somebody that I still 313 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:20,920 Speaker 5: want to keep around? And fast forward ten years and 314 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,840 Speaker 5: y'all are still friends. Right. That's a closer friend. This 315 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:29,400 Speaker 5: friend saw some stuff when you were evolving in college, 316 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:34,159 Speaker 5: and you may not talk to them every day, but 317 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,359 Speaker 5: this is a person that you know you could call 318 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:40,600 Speaker 5: if some shit's going down at the office, or maybe 319 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,960 Speaker 5: you're having like a relationship struggle, or maybe you need 320 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,280 Speaker 5: some advice with your kids. You're gonna call this friend right, 321 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,800 Speaker 5: and you're like, domb Well, that seems like that's probably 322 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,480 Speaker 5: a small group of people. I thought you said we 323 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:56,399 Speaker 5: had four levels. 324 00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:57,760 Speaker 2: There's more. 325 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:03,320 Speaker 3: I I was trying to say it like the person 326 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:07,639 Speaker 3: listening there, Yes, there. 327 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:10,159 Speaker 2: Is more, right, there's more. 328 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,160 Speaker 5: So that time not friends. 329 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,360 Speaker 2: I'm excited about this one. 330 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:21,159 Speaker 5: That intimate friendship. Right, most of us only have a 331 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,919 Speaker 5: couple of people who we would truly consider that intimate friend, 332 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:31,760 Speaker 5: that friend where probably no subject is off limits for me. 333 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,600 Speaker 5: I think about my best friend DeAndre. We have been 334 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:39,000 Speaker 5: friends since the fourth grade. 335 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:40,600 Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, oh my goodness. 336 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,520 Speaker 3: Your niece's age, so she might she might be for her. 337 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:47,199 Speaker 2: Since fourth grade? 338 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,360 Speaker 5: Fourth grade? 339 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,880 Speaker 3: Well, I said, okay, tell me, Morgan, I'm gonna ask 340 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:51,960 Speaker 3: you some questions about this. 341 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:55,439 Speaker 5: So here's the thing. So here's how you know. So 342 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,200 Speaker 5: an intimate friendship is one that will last a lifetime. 343 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:04,800 Speaker 5: So again, we have seen each other evolve, like truly 344 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:08,120 Speaker 5: evolved because we've been friends since we were nine. Wow, 345 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,600 Speaker 5: there are things that we know about each other that 346 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:19,439 Speaker 5: other people might not know. And and it's been like that. 347 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,359 Speaker 5: I know that I could call her at any moment, 348 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,800 Speaker 5: and she lives in Louisiana. But I know that I 349 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:34,239 Speaker 5: could call her at any moment, and she's gonna make 350 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:39,359 Speaker 5: herself available for me, and she is gonna give me 351 00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:45,760 Speaker 5: the honest truth, no matter how ugly it is, and 352 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:47,920 Speaker 5: I know that it's coming from a place of love, 353 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,760 Speaker 5: and I would do the same for her. And it's 354 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,240 Speaker 5: been like that since Ben Ben. 355 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:57,080 Speaker 2: Since Ben Ben. Yeah, did you say your niece was four? 356 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:58,240 Speaker 2: She was in the fourth grade. 357 00:21:59,160 --> 00:21:59,680 Speaker 5: She's four. 358 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,520 Speaker 3: Okay, My bad, because I was like, I just okay, 359 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,280 Speaker 3: clearly I got confused, but you know what I was. 360 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:05,800 Speaker 5: Yes, So I get what you were saying, though. 361 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,600 Speaker 3: Yes, But I love that you brought that up though, 362 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:11,159 Speaker 3: because I think about my bff and our relationship. We 363 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:12,800 Speaker 3: don't have that much time in the game, but we 364 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,280 Speaker 3: were friends since what's I think eighth grade or so, 365 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:17,960 Speaker 3: and so we've evolved, we've grown over the years. She 366 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,120 Speaker 3: knows all my secrets, so she's stuck with me now, 367 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,159 Speaker 3: So you know, Mina, you already know where it is. 368 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:27,480 Speaker 3: But I really, I really appreciate having that that friendship 369 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,160 Speaker 3: because when things come up in life, it's so good 370 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,520 Speaker 3: to know that you can always call someone for something. 371 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:37,040 Speaker 3: I mean, nothing's off topic. We've had controversial conversations, We've 372 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:41,880 Speaker 3: disagreed about things, and I love that we have communicated 373 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,000 Speaker 3: about the difficult conversation. 374 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,640 Speaker 2: So I wanted to ask you about your friend. 375 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:48,399 Speaker 3: Like one thing Meana and I have done in the 376 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:49,960 Speaker 3: past couple of years is I do it like a 377 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,840 Speaker 3: friend check in there were things that may have happened 378 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:55,520 Speaker 3: or a certain way that one of us may have responded, 379 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,959 Speaker 3: and being able to address those things and know that 380 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,960 Speaker 3: our friendship isn't going to be over because of this. 381 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:02,200 Speaker 2: But like, I just want to let you know I 382 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,760 Speaker 2: didn't like the way you said X Y Z or 383 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,160 Speaker 2: one thing I love that we do. 384 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,320 Speaker 3: We can hang out together and both be silent, like 385 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,120 Speaker 3: we can both be doing our own thing, and I 386 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,840 Speaker 3: love not having to be on not having to like 387 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,160 Speaker 3: I have taken a nap in her bed while she's 388 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,119 Speaker 3: at home with the kids. Like just knowing that you 389 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:20,679 Speaker 3: can just let your hair down and be it is 390 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:21,639 Speaker 3: so nice. 391 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:22,480 Speaker 2: I love it. 392 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,200 Speaker 5: As soon as you said nap, I know when DeAndre 393 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:31,520 Speaker 5: listens to this, and that she probably laughed, because I 394 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:35,840 Speaker 5: every time I go home and I go to her house, 395 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:40,800 Speaker 5: it is rare that I don't fall asleep right it's 396 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,080 Speaker 5: just something about being in that space, like it just 397 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:46,639 Speaker 5: feels so safe, and it feels so comfortable. And I 398 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:50,920 Speaker 5: usually fall asleep and she's usually talking and she doesn't 399 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:54,720 Speaker 5: take offensive I happen to fall asleep because no offenses 400 00:23:54,880 --> 00:24:00,600 Speaker 5: meant by But yeah, that it's a safe, comfortable face. 401 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:05,360 Speaker 5: And I can easily do that in terms of addressing 402 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,560 Speaker 5: issues or conflict or when we don't agree. I think 403 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:14,159 Speaker 5: that as we've gotten older, I think we've gotten better. 404 00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:18,359 Speaker 5: More so me have I've gotten better because she's always 405 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:24,800 Speaker 5: been very vocal and very direct. I've gotten better of 406 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,520 Speaker 5: saying like I don't know if I agree with that, 407 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:33,160 Speaker 5: but we both engage with each other in a way 408 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:38,320 Speaker 5: that sometimes we don't necessarily have to say, well, say directly, 409 00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:41,680 Speaker 5: say well, let's revisit that time where we didn't because 410 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:45,160 Speaker 5: there was something that you said that I didn't agree. 411 00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:48,080 Speaker 5: We've gotten better about bringing it up kind of in 412 00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:51,560 Speaker 5: the moment or close to the moment. But in the 413 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:56,000 Speaker 5: past we have had conversations where like I can remember 414 00:24:56,280 --> 00:25:00,119 Speaker 5: one time where she called me. It was maybe a 415 00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:05,000 Speaker 5: a few months after I had said something that offended 416 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:10,560 Speaker 5: her and and we died. We like she shared it 417 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:14,359 Speaker 5: with me, and I think initially I might have been 418 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:20,520 Speaker 5: a little defensive, and we talked it out and we 419 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:23,880 Speaker 5: were fine. I can think back to a time when 420 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:29,160 Speaker 5: we were I think that was in middle school and 421 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:32,000 Speaker 5: she was having her group of friends and I was 422 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:37,439 Speaker 5: having my group of friends and were I think she 423 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:40,120 Speaker 5: didn't like my friends or our groups of friends weren't 424 00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:42,359 Speaker 5: getting along. There was something. You know, it's been so 425 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:45,359 Speaker 5: many years, like memory is a little fuzzy, but I 426 00:25:45,359 --> 00:25:47,480 Speaker 5: think there was something where we just kind of like 427 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:50,800 Speaker 5: we weren't really hanging out as much, and our moms 428 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:54,119 Speaker 5: got involved because our moms were like, these two were 429 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:57,159 Speaker 5: joined at the hill. Why are y'all not? What the 430 00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:59,360 Speaker 5: hell is going on? And I remember they put got 431 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:02,840 Speaker 5: us back on the phone, and when we got back 432 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:05,879 Speaker 5: on the phone, like we had a conversation. I do 433 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:07,200 Speaker 5: can't even remember what was said. 434 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,000 Speaker 2: I know I could picture a young dog. 435 00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:16,840 Speaker 5: So we've had like moments of conflict over the years. 436 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,879 Speaker 5: But one of the things that makes this an intimate 437 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:26,560 Speaker 5: friendship is that this no matter what conflict we have, 438 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:30,320 Speaker 5: we always resolving, Yeah, and it's all we always know 439 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:35,199 Speaker 5: that this is my girl exactly, and this is a 440 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:39,399 Speaker 5: lifetime yeah, like she ain't getting rid of me. 441 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:44,600 Speaker 2: Exactly. I feel you. 442 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,320 Speaker 3: And I think another thing that I like is the 443 00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:51,040 Speaker 3: fact that if one day we don't feel like talking, 444 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:53,920 Speaker 3: like maybe I'll call or she'll call, we can clearly 445 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,040 Speaker 3: be like I'm not in the mood and there's no 446 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,520 Speaker 3: offense taken because we already know what it is. So 447 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:00,560 Speaker 3: I think that's cool, but also mean was listening to 448 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,080 Speaker 3: the podcast and heard me say something and she had 449 00:27:03,119 --> 00:27:05,080 Speaker 3: text me like, hey, hey girl, I just want to 450 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:06,639 Speaker 3: tell you how I was listening to the podcast and 451 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:09,119 Speaker 3: notice that you said x y Z. I can't remember 452 00:27:09,119 --> 00:27:11,439 Speaker 3: exactly what it was, but she was like, yeah, you 453 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:13,320 Speaker 3: know that might it might be offensive to some people 454 00:27:13,359 --> 00:27:15,760 Speaker 3: because of this, this this, And I was like so grateful. 455 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,200 Speaker 3: I'm like, thank you so much for telling me. Don't 456 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:19,520 Speaker 3: let me, you know, be out here looking crazy. Sometimes 457 00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:21,320 Speaker 3: we just are so in the moment and we talk 458 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:23,360 Speaker 3: so fast and you may not realize what you say 459 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:26,080 Speaker 3: until after you listen, and they're like, ah shit, I 460 00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:28,320 Speaker 3: hope that made sense or I hope I didn't, you know, 461 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,280 Speaker 3: say the wrong thing. And so I just love the honesty, 462 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:33,680 Speaker 3: the fact that everything's on the table, there's no guest work. 463 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,520 Speaker 3: It's just it is what it is. That is an 464 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,280 Speaker 3: intimate friendship. 465 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:39,760 Speaker 5: Yes, and I think you know, like some of the 466 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,840 Speaker 5: stuff that we've talked about on the podcast, like Deandro 467 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,040 Speaker 5: will hit me up later and say, like you said, 468 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,720 Speaker 5: like Nina does with you and says, I think you 469 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,600 Speaker 5: might want to consider this or maybe next time, you know, 470 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:54,240 Speaker 5: you might want to give like you might want to 471 00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:56,879 Speaker 5: refresh the bullet points. So like I think us going 472 00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:59,760 Speaker 5: back and like making sure like that came from feedback 473 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:05,320 Speaker 5: that deand okay girl, Yes, and then also like some 474 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:07,560 Speaker 5: of that like she would listen to an episode and 475 00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:12,080 Speaker 5: then we'll dive into our own processing of like oh, 476 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,199 Speaker 5: I don't know if we ever really dove into that 477 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:16,919 Speaker 5: for real, and then that'll lead to a deeper conversation 478 00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:21,520 Speaker 5: for us. That's an intimate friendship, Like when you like 479 00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,520 Speaker 5: what you share you have with Mina, what I have 480 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:27,800 Speaker 5: with DeAndre. Those are that higher level of intimate friendships 481 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:30,600 Speaker 5: where there's only one or two people in your life 482 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:37,480 Speaker 5: who will really be able to fully occupy that space. Now, 483 00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:42,160 Speaker 5: when you think about friendships or people in your life 484 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:46,200 Speaker 5: who obviously no one's getting to that level where Mina 485 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:51,520 Speaker 5: is right, So, when you think about people that you've 486 00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:54,520 Speaker 5: had to let go, does anyone like come to mind 487 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:56,360 Speaker 5: or can you think of any examples? 488 00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:59,320 Speaker 3: Hopefully they're not listening because that would be really awkward. 489 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:01,920 Speaker 3: But there are a few people that come into mind 490 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:04,360 Speaker 3: that I met at different stages in life, and so 491 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:07,320 Speaker 3: I'll just give you like one in particular, this person 492 00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:11,360 Speaker 3: we clicked. We had so much in common when we met, 493 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:14,920 Speaker 3: and what I noticed over the course of our relationship 494 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:20,160 Speaker 3: is how I often felt around her, and it wasn't 495 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,320 Speaker 3: always a good feeling. I've started to look at the 496 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:27,200 Speaker 3: relationship like wait, why are we friends? And what came 497 00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:32,480 Speaker 3: to mind for me it was like she is always taking, 498 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:36,840 Speaker 3: doesn't really give much but taking taking. It seemed like 499 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:40,680 Speaker 3: I was giving a lot more than she was. And 500 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:44,960 Speaker 3: then there was like this air of like negativity and criticism, 501 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:46,800 Speaker 3: and it was like everything you do, it's like it 502 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:48,520 Speaker 3: has to be criticized, and it's funny because it reminds 503 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:51,080 Speaker 3: me of someone in my life that's toxic that I 504 00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:53,520 Speaker 3: had to cut off. And I was just like, yeah, 505 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:54,920 Speaker 3: I don't know if I can do this. And what 506 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,360 Speaker 3: I realized is when distance grew between us, so we 507 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:00,720 Speaker 3: moved locations and we were farther away from each other. 508 00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:03,760 Speaker 3: The interaction just seemed very like just seemed like a 509 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:05,880 Speaker 3: using person, someone that just wanted to use you. 510 00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:06,760 Speaker 2: And so at that. 511 00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:10,280 Speaker 3: Point I went back and forth with myself, like should 512 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:12,760 Speaker 3: I have a conversation, But at that point there was 513 00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:15,719 Speaker 3: so much time and distance between us that I was like, 514 00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:18,360 Speaker 3: I don't even think a conversation is worth it because 515 00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:23,040 Speaker 3: you haven't put any any effort. You've you know, said 516 00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:24,240 Speaker 3: things that you were going to do and then you 517 00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:27,000 Speaker 3: didn't come through. And I'm too busy to be trying 518 00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:29,560 Speaker 3: to chase down people and beg you for friendships. So 519 00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:31,920 Speaker 3: I just kind of let it fizzle out and it 520 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:33,680 Speaker 3: is what it is. So that was one situation. 521 00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:37,880 Speaker 5: Yeah, I think that's real that like to pay attention 522 00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:42,240 Speaker 5: to how you feel when you were around that person, 523 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:50,360 Speaker 5: because you should feel safe, yes, and you should feel comfortable. 524 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:54,080 Speaker 5: And that's not to say that every conversation or every 525 00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:56,959 Speaker 5: interaction is always going to be fun and exciting and 526 00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:03,200 Speaker 5: comfortable or easy, but in general, you should feel comfortable 527 00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:07,640 Speaker 5: around that person exactly. And I think that goes to 528 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:11,240 Speaker 5: kind of listening, really listening to your body and letting 529 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:15,600 Speaker 5: your body let you know, no, no, no, because. 530 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:17,640 Speaker 3: There are some people you get around them, and my 531 00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:20,120 Speaker 3: body we respond to girl like the gut especially. There 532 00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:22,280 Speaker 3: are some people I even think about them and I 533 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:26,040 Speaker 3: just get this this gut wrenching sort of feeling where 534 00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:27,440 Speaker 3: it's like, well it doesn't feel good. I don't want 535 00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:29,720 Speaker 3: to be around you, like I just don't feel the 536 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:35,239 Speaker 3: energy's not right. There's another friendship where I thought we 537 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:37,800 Speaker 3: were good friends. Everything was cool, but then I noticed 538 00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:40,280 Speaker 3: that this person I believed as though I believe they 539 00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:43,080 Speaker 3: were envious of me, and that showed up in other 540 00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:47,240 Speaker 3: ways where they would kind of discourage me from doing 541 00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:49,160 Speaker 3: things that I wanted to do or achieving, you know, 542 00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:52,000 Speaker 3: just pursuing certain goals. And in that case, I was 543 00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:54,400 Speaker 3: trying to help this person. So I'm like, dang, like, 544 00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:56,760 Speaker 3: I'm trying to help you do the things that you 545 00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:59,120 Speaker 3: want to do, and you're the energy you're giving this 546 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:02,920 Speaker 3: very very it's very weird, like it's yeah, it wasn't cool. 547 00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:05,360 Speaker 3: So in that case kind of did the same thing, 548 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:08,760 Speaker 3: kind of just fizzed it off, and I was like, Okay, well, yeah, 549 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:11,360 Speaker 3: you don't really have good energy, so it wasn't a 550 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,720 Speaker 3: relationship that was worth having a conversation. 551 00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:15,960 Speaker 2: However, there were other friendships that I have. 552 00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:19,760 Speaker 3: I would say this next person, it was maybe it 553 00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:23,400 Speaker 3: was intimate friendship, and I had to have a conversation 554 00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:25,560 Speaker 3: about the behavior because it was worth it. 555 00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:27,720 Speaker 2: I'm like, we've we've put so much time and we've 556 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:28,080 Speaker 2: had so. 557 00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:29,400 Speaker 3: Much I mean, you know a lot about me, I 558 00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:31,400 Speaker 3: know a lot about you. Like we built a really 559 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:34,400 Speaker 3: good friendship. It's worth having a conversation about. And in 560 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:37,360 Speaker 3: that situation, I did have a conversation about the behavior 561 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:39,000 Speaker 3: that I was like, Yo, what's up? 562 00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:41,440 Speaker 5: You know? And so, and that was a good point 563 00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:47,160 Speaker 5: of some relationships, Yeah, are not necessarily worthy of a conversation. 564 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,960 Speaker 5: You kind of just let them fizzle out. Yes, right, 565 00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:53,800 Speaker 5: but talk to me a little bit more about this converse. 566 00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:57,320 Speaker 5: This friendship where like you said, it was an intimate level. 567 00:32:57,400 --> 00:33:01,080 Speaker 5: So like we're like they're on level three, right, So 568 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:04,640 Speaker 5: they're like they're on ride or die level yep. You know, 569 00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:08,000 Speaker 5: and you had to end that friendship. How did that 570 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:10,400 Speaker 5: conversation go, because I can imagine that it's pretty scary. 571 00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:12,000 Speaker 2: Well, the thing is, I actually didn't end it. 572 00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:15,240 Speaker 3: What happened was my friend had just went ghosts and 573 00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:16,680 Speaker 3: I knew that she had a lot going on in 574 00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:17,080 Speaker 3: her life. 575 00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:19,560 Speaker 2: But I was just like, yo, let us just to 576 00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:20,480 Speaker 2: know that you need. 577 00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:22,480 Speaker 3: Time, like say something so that I'm not guessing in 578 00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:24,080 Speaker 3: wondering like, well shit, did I do something? 579 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:25,880 Speaker 2: Is everything okay? Whatever? 580 00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:29,400 Speaker 3: So I had been trying to reach out nothing was happening, and. 581 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:31,479 Speaker 2: It really I was just like, damn, I'm the kind 582 00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:32,080 Speaker 2: of person I. 583 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:35,400 Speaker 3: Want closure, So don't just ghost me, like say something, 584 00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:37,960 Speaker 3: be like you know, bitch, you stink something, so I 585 00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:39,960 Speaker 3: know what it is, Like, Okay, I stink. All right, 586 00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:41,440 Speaker 3: I'll go put on some of the older and like 587 00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:42,680 Speaker 3: just let me know what's up. 588 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:44,160 Speaker 2: Don't just leave my hang in. And so what I 589 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:46,600 Speaker 2: did was I had a conversation. 590 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:48,120 Speaker 3: I was just like, hey, like I just want to 591 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:50,120 Speaker 3: chat with you because you know, I know that she 592 00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:51,840 Speaker 3: have a lot going on. So first I just checked 593 00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:53,640 Speaker 3: in and see like how is everything going in life? 594 00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:56,040 Speaker 3: Where's you know, what are the updates? And then I 595 00:33:56,080 --> 00:33:57,640 Speaker 3: was like, I want to bring something to your attention, 596 00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,960 Speaker 3: like is this a good time to talk about this concern? 597 00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:03,800 Speaker 3: So I just brought up the fact that I understand 598 00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:05,120 Speaker 3: that jove of a lot going on and if you 599 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,920 Speaker 3: need space, that is a okay. I do still value 600 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,200 Speaker 3: our friendship. I'm not sure where you staying with that, 601 00:34:10,239 --> 00:34:13,000 Speaker 3: but I do still value our friendship and connection. And 602 00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:15,920 Speaker 3: so for me, you know, I just felt kind of 603 00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:19,600 Speaker 3: like I did something wrong or just felt like I. 604 00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:21,160 Speaker 2: Didn't know what was going on. You know, I didn't 605 00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:21,880 Speaker 2: know if you were okay. 606 00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:24,239 Speaker 3: So in the future I would just appreciate it if 607 00:34:24,280 --> 00:34:26,200 Speaker 3: you could just let me know, like, hey, Terry, I 608 00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:28,000 Speaker 3: need some space, I need some time. 609 00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:28,319 Speaker 1: Yo. 610 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:30,239 Speaker 2: I won't bother you, that's the boundary you set. 611 00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:34,000 Speaker 3: I won't even I'll just fall back until you're ready 612 00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:35,960 Speaker 3: to reconvene or have a conversation. 613 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:37,120 Speaker 2: So we had that conversation. 614 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:39,600 Speaker 3: I was a little nervous about it because those are 615 00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:42,520 Speaker 3: difficult conversations to have, but she took it well. It 616 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:44,399 Speaker 3: went well, and we kind of put something in place 617 00:34:44,440 --> 00:34:48,680 Speaker 3: now where if you need some time, let me know 618 00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:50,439 Speaker 3: and we'll be good. 619 00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:51,400 Speaker 1: Okay. 620 00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:59,800 Speaker 5: Yeah, So it sounds like just being open to asking 621 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:03,759 Speaker 5: the real question, right if it's worth it, Well, you 622 00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:08,120 Speaker 5: said yea friendship, so then to me, that's worth it. 623 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:12,440 Speaker 5: If we're talking about an acquaintance, maybe let it fizzle 624 00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:18,799 Speaker 5: out and or think about to think about the context 625 00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:21,719 Speaker 5: and which you're in. Because if it's an acquaintance that 626 00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:25,319 Speaker 5: you're not interacting with on a consistent basis, that you 627 00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:29,840 Speaker 5: don't have to interact with on a consistent basis, Okay, 628 00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:32,600 Speaker 5: maybe yeah, we do just let it fizzle out. But 629 00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:35,359 Speaker 5: if this acquaintance is someone that you're at work with 630 00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:38,960 Speaker 5: or that you're in school with and you have to 631 00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:44,200 Speaker 5: interact with on a regular, consistent basis, it may be 632 00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:50,359 Speaker 5: worth having a conversation. The other thing to think about too, 633 00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:56,760 Speaker 5: that we don't often like utilize is a mediator, Right, 634 00:35:57,200 --> 00:36:03,120 Speaker 5: how would that look? So in the workplace setting, it 635 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:07,919 Speaker 5: could be an official mediating session, or it could be 636 00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:14,040 Speaker 5: another third party who could be neutral in helping facilitate 637 00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:20,959 Speaker 5: the conversation. Right, Yeah, In an outside relationship, it could 638 00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:23,960 Speaker 5: be someone who is familiar with the both of you 639 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:30,160 Speaker 5: and can be neutral and objective in that moment, and 640 00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:33,719 Speaker 5: they're the one kind of guiding the conversation. 641 00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:34,520 Speaker 1: For sure. 642 00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:36,600 Speaker 2: That's a good point. I think that. 643 00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:41,360 Speaker 3: Sometimes if it is an intimate relationship, people do change, 644 00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:42,600 Speaker 3: right as we evolve. 645 00:36:42,719 --> 00:36:45,840 Speaker 2: Some people I don't know. Can evolving is usually positive? 646 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:48,640 Speaker 3: Right, It's usually a progression, So the opposite of evolve, 647 00:36:48,719 --> 00:36:50,920 Speaker 3: whatever that would be. Some people do the opposite, right, 648 00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:54,279 Speaker 3: they revert. I guess I don't regrets. Regret there we 649 00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:57,440 Speaker 3: go regrets, thank you? Don they regress. If that's happening 650 00:36:57,480 --> 00:37:00,279 Speaker 3: and someone does change, sometimes it may not be worth 651 00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:04,280 Speaker 3: having a conversation with that intimate, you know, relationship based 652 00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:06,080 Speaker 3: on where they are. So I think you're right, it's 653 00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:09,160 Speaker 3: all about context, like where are we and what's it worth? 654 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:13,200 Speaker 2: You know, like what's your intention exactly? What's your goal exactly? 655 00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:19,759 Speaker 5: And so when we think about we've talked about those 656 00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:24,560 Speaker 5: levels of friendship, right like our acquaintance, our casual, are 657 00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:29,440 Speaker 5: close and our intimate, and we've talked about how to 658 00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:35,920 Speaker 5: kind of rid ourselves of relationships that are no longer 659 00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:40,239 Speaker 5: serving us or the other person. But how do we 660 00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:43,160 Speaker 5: deal with people who are fake? Because you know that's 661 00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:50,120 Speaker 5: our tagline, right, we can't. We can't end year one 662 00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:53,839 Speaker 5: without talking about the folks. 663 00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:54,200 Speaker 2: Folks. 664 00:37:54,239 --> 00:37:57,840 Speaker 3: Yes, So what I guess for me, it's like, what 665 00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:00,200 Speaker 3: are the signs of a fake frame? Because and the 666 00:38:00,239 --> 00:38:02,799 Speaker 3: reason I think this conversation again is so important is 667 00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:04,719 Speaker 3: because the people who you have around you or they 668 00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:06,680 Speaker 3: say show me your friends, I'll show you your future. 669 00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:07,959 Speaker 2: Right, that's a quote. 670 00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:10,799 Speaker 3: And then when you think about I realized more than 671 00:38:10,840 --> 00:38:13,520 Speaker 3: ever now that who I have around me is so important. 672 00:38:13,520 --> 00:38:15,680 Speaker 3: Like if you're bringing me down, if you have bad energy, 673 00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:17,720 Speaker 3: we either had to have a conversation or you guys 674 00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:20,520 Speaker 3: to go if that doesn't change. And So when you 675 00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:22,760 Speaker 3: think about fake friends, I mean I think it's people. 676 00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:25,479 Speaker 3: An example would be like someone that makes you feel 677 00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:27,759 Speaker 3: guilty if you're not hanging out with them, it's like 678 00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:28,680 Speaker 3: no one. 679 00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:29,479 Speaker 2: Else time for guilt trips. 680 00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:31,799 Speaker 3: We all have busy lives and we have shit going on, Like, 681 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:35,200 Speaker 3: don't try to guilt someone into, you know, hanging out 682 00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:37,200 Speaker 3: or doing something that you want them to do. I 683 00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:39,160 Speaker 3: think you can definitely let them know that you value 684 00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:40,719 Speaker 3: the friendship, like or I really want to hang out 685 00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:43,279 Speaker 3: with you, but guilting someone. So if this person's like 686 00:38:43,719 --> 00:38:46,160 Speaker 3: putting you on or taking you on guilt trips because 687 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:47,160 Speaker 3: you're busy or you. 688 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:48,680 Speaker 2: Can't hang out, I would. 689 00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:51,880 Speaker 3: Just questioning and be like hmm, things that make you 690 00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:54,680 Speaker 3: go h exactly what else done? 691 00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:56,760 Speaker 2: What else do you think fake friends? 692 00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:59,160 Speaker 5: I think one of the things that comes back up 693 00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:01,759 Speaker 5: from me is what you mentioned earlier about how that 694 00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:08,080 Speaker 5: person makes you feel. If you are around this person 695 00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:16,399 Speaker 5: and this person is making you question who you are, 696 00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:19,719 Speaker 5: making you doubt yourself. 697 00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:22,319 Speaker 2: Yeah, preache, you are preaching. 698 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:29,799 Speaker 5: Making you feel less than making you feel shame. That's 699 00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:30,439 Speaker 5: a fake friend. 700 00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:31,520 Speaker 2: I'm with you. 701 00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:33,680 Speaker 3: Sometimes it's very they trying to make it like a 702 00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:36,400 Speaker 3: joke or it seems subtled, but at this I'm ground 703 00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:37,560 Speaker 3: telling you. At this point, I don't have a t 704 00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:39,480 Speaker 3: I don't have tolerance for it. So I had one 705 00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:42,400 Speaker 3: friend she used to play around, and I know that 706 00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:44,880 Speaker 3: she wasn't saying it in the mean way, but with words. 707 00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,520 Speaker 3: I'm so particular about the words that people use around me. 708 00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:49,280 Speaker 3: And she would play around and be like, oh, hey, ugly, 709 00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:49,959 Speaker 3: and I. 710 00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:51,480 Speaker 2: Was like, you know what, boo. I was like, yeah, 711 00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:52,120 Speaker 2: I don't really. 712 00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:53,960 Speaker 3: Like that, And I gave her some context, like as 713 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:56,279 Speaker 3: someone that struggled with low self esteem and depression, like 714 00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:58,719 Speaker 3: I've had to build myself up so much over the 715 00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:02,719 Speaker 3: years with affirmation, with reprogramming. When you do that, it 716 00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:04,880 Speaker 3: just that does not feel good at all, even though 717 00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:06,360 Speaker 3: I know you're playing like, I just don't like that. 718 00:40:06,400 --> 00:40:08,160 Speaker 3: So if you continue to do that, I won't be 719 00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:10,160 Speaker 3: talking to you, because she kind of kept doing it 720 00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,200 Speaker 3: as a joke. Now I was just like, okay, you 721 00:40:12,239 --> 00:40:14,920 Speaker 3: don't realize that I'm not I'm not playing right now, 722 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:15,760 Speaker 3: like I'm dead serious. 723 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,439 Speaker 2: And finally it clicked and she's like, oh, okay, my bad. 724 00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:21,440 Speaker 3: So like little things like that, it's so important and 725 00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:23,439 Speaker 3: that makes me think about another one down. The other 726 00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:26,120 Speaker 3: one is they mock you and compliment you at the 727 00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:26,760 Speaker 3: same time. 728 00:40:26,880 --> 00:40:29,719 Speaker 2: So that passive aggressive like, oh, down, that article you 729 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:31,440 Speaker 2: wrote was so good? Who helped you write it? 730 00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:35,680 Speaker 4: Little shit like that girl, that little patty subtle shit 731 00:40:35,719 --> 00:40:37,239 Speaker 4: where you're like, is she joking. 732 00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:37,800 Speaker 2: Or is she not? 733 00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:41,640 Speaker 5: M m? Or yeah? When you're when you have to 734 00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:44,279 Speaker 5: say to yourself, oh damn, that was a backhanded compl 735 00:40:45,560 --> 00:40:49,160 Speaker 5: h okay, you got a question? Is this a real friend? 736 00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:55,439 Speaker 5: Something else that comes up in terms of a fake friend. 737 00:40:56,360 --> 00:41:01,319 Speaker 5: They gossip about other people all the time. The thing 738 00:41:01,480 --> 00:41:06,719 Speaker 5: is is that we all gossip. Yes, someone tells me 739 00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:08,880 Speaker 5: that they never gossip. I'm calling them a liar. 740 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:10,000 Speaker 2: I like the tea. 741 00:41:10,719 --> 00:41:14,520 Speaker 5: We all like the tea, okay, but some of us 742 00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:19,600 Speaker 5: more so than others. The person who that's all they 743 00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:25,280 Speaker 5: can bring to the table is gossip about other people. 744 00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:30,000 Speaker 5: Chances are that means that when they leave that conversation 745 00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:34,040 Speaker 5: with you, they are sharing your business with everyone else. 746 00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:37,480 Speaker 5: They are gossiping about everyone else. That is not a 747 00:41:37,719 --> 00:41:43,600 Speaker 5: real friend. A real friend is not out there spreading 748 00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:48,439 Speaker 5: all your business and spreading all everyone else's business and 749 00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:49,759 Speaker 5: doing it in a negative way. 750 00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:52,360 Speaker 2: Let the church say amen. 751 00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:56,960 Speaker 3: The other one I would say is they only see 752 00:41:57,000 --> 00:42:00,520 Speaker 3: you as a means to an end. So if you 753 00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:03,520 Speaker 3: think about the patterns in the lifetime of the relationship, 754 00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:07,040 Speaker 3: they're always taking Now. You know, I have some friends 755 00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:10,000 Speaker 3: where maybe you're not in a position right now, maybe 756 00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:12,200 Speaker 3: you have five kids, you're not in a position to be, 757 00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:13,960 Speaker 3: you know, paying for dinner. So it's like, girl, I 758 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:16,160 Speaker 3: got you. It's cool, Like I know, it's okay, I'm 759 00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:16,640 Speaker 3: off ferends. 760 00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:17,240 Speaker 2: So it's different. 761 00:42:17,239 --> 00:42:19,839 Speaker 3: But this person, they will like take advantage of it, 762 00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:22,560 Speaker 3: or they'll constantly call you. And when they call you, 763 00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:25,000 Speaker 3: they always have a need like oh girl, can you 764 00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:26,440 Speaker 3: do my hair? Can you take me here? 765 00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:28,360 Speaker 2: Can you do that? And it's like, well, damn. 766 00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:30,719 Speaker 3: When I look at the relationship holistically, what are you 767 00:42:30,719 --> 00:42:34,080 Speaker 3: bringing to the table right A lot of asks. 768 00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:38,680 Speaker 5: Right, right, there's nothing reciprocal in this relationship. And the 769 00:42:38,719 --> 00:42:41,719 Speaker 5: thing is is that in a friendship, that reciprocity is 770 00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:46,400 Speaker 5: does not have to be matched to protect exactly, right, 771 00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:50,480 Speaker 5: But there is a level of reciprocity there in a 772 00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:56,480 Speaker 5: real friendship. And so when we think about what we 773 00:42:56,640 --> 00:43:01,680 Speaker 5: really need in life, right, in terms of real friends, 774 00:43:02,280 --> 00:43:05,920 Speaker 5: we're all gonna have multiple acquaintances, right, And I think 775 00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:09,560 Speaker 5: it's okay for us to be okay with that, to 776 00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:16,839 Speaker 5: recognize that we are not gonna have seven thousand intimate friendships. 777 00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:18,320 Speaker 5: That that's impossible. 778 00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:20,120 Speaker 2: That sounds overwhelming. 779 00:43:22,640 --> 00:43:26,520 Speaker 5: Too much, too much, because if you think about the 780 00:43:26,719 --> 00:43:31,080 Speaker 5: emotional labor, and I don't mean that in like a 781 00:43:32,120 --> 00:43:38,400 Speaker 5: negative way, but if I'm truly giving of myself, I 782 00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:44,800 Speaker 5: cannot truly give of my entire self to seven thousand people. 783 00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:49,960 Speaker 5: That's impossible. Yeah. So, but it's okay if you want 784 00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:54,680 Speaker 5: to have seven thousand Facebook and Instagram friends, right, because 785 00:43:54,719 --> 00:43:59,359 Speaker 5: they're not gonna know everything. It's gonna be surface, and 786 00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:06,319 Speaker 5: that's okay. But then moving into having like your casual friendships, 787 00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:11,239 Speaker 5: your close friendships, and those one or two intimate friendships, 788 00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:15,120 Speaker 5: those are the relationships that you invest more time and 789 00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:20,360 Speaker 5: energy into and we'll also invest more time and energy 790 00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:20,920 Speaker 5: into you. 791 00:44:21,360 --> 00:44:24,360 Speaker 3: Yes, So that means be careful who you have around 792 00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:28,840 Speaker 3: your kids, your man, your woman, your partner, your family, 793 00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:32,920 Speaker 3: and whoever those friends are that you have around, they 794 00:44:32,960 --> 00:44:36,040 Speaker 3: are also giving off energy right right, So it's so 795 00:44:36,080 --> 00:44:38,359 Speaker 3: important to be mindful of who we keep around us. 796 00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:41,840 Speaker 3: We're getting rid of fake friends, Okay, we're not bringing 797 00:44:41,840 --> 00:44:43,920 Speaker 3: them into the new year with us, and I think 798 00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:46,120 Speaker 3: it's important for us to get clear on like where 799 00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:47,839 Speaker 3: do these people stand in my life, so that you 800 00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:50,239 Speaker 3: know how you should show up. You shouldn't be over 801 00:44:50,320 --> 00:44:53,480 Speaker 3: exerting and doing so much for people that are only 802 00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:57,440 Speaker 3: gonna meet you halfway or not even meet you at all. 803 00:44:57,520 --> 00:45:01,240 Speaker 5: Right, thanks for joining us US today in her Space. 804 00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:07,120 Speaker 5: Please note that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice, 805 00:45:07,600 --> 00:45:10,920 Speaker 5: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no 806 00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:14,360 Speaker 5: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal 807 00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:19,120 Speaker 5: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you are 808 00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:22,080 Speaker 5: someone you know is in need of mental health care, 809 00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:26,760 Speaker 5: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today 810 00:45:27,320 --> 00:45:29,200 Speaker 5: or contact your insurance provider. 811 00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:31,520 Speaker 3: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 812 00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:34,960 Speaker 3: the conversation going. Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and 813 00:45:35,040 --> 00:45:39,920 Speaker 3: Twitter at her space podcast, or check out our website 814 00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:44,320 Speaker 3: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat 815 00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:47,279 Speaker 3: after me, I know that everything is working out for 816 00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:50,400 Speaker 3: my good, even when things don't go as planned. 817 00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:52,360 Speaker 5: We'll see you next week, Lady