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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. I am

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Speaker 1: the host, and if you are new, couch Talks is

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Speaker 1: the special bonus episode that comes out every single Wednesday

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Speaker 1: where I answer questions that you guys send to Katherine

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Speaker 1: at therapy podcast dot com. And quick reminder before we

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Speaker 1: get into this episode that although I'm a therapist, I'm

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Speaker 1: answering your questions. This podcast does not serve as a

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Speaker 1: replacement or substitute for any actual mental health services, but

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Speaker 1: we always hope that these episodes can help you. So

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Speaker 1: on couch Talks, I usually answer one question a week.

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Speaker 1: I always keep it anonymous, and we're gonna go with

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Speaker 1: that trend today, so I think we're going to jump

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Speaker 1: right into it. I really love the question that I

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Speaker 1: got because it was interesting and it actually brought up

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Speaker 1: a fun little debate that I had with my friends

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Speaker 1: about the subject. So I think a lot of people,

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Speaker 1: whether or not you're in this specific scenario, you might

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Speaker 1: have your own thoughts on it. I'm really curious what

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Speaker 1: your thoughts would be as well. I'm going to try

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Speaker 1: to stay as unbiased as I can, but I do

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Speaker 1: have some personal thoughts I'm going to throw in here

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Speaker 1: as well, So I'm gonna read the question and then

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Speaker 1: we'll talk about it. Hi, Kat, I've been dating my

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Speaker 1: boyfriend for about two years and we have been having

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Speaker 1: conversations about getting engaged recently. We both know that's what

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Speaker 1: we want. It's just a matter of win at this point.

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Speaker 1: I'm actually not worried about the timing of our engagement.

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Speaker 1: I'm not in a rush at all. I am worried

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Speaker 1: about the engagement ring. Is that bad? I make a

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Speaker 1: lot more money than my boyfriend does, which doesn't bother

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Speaker 1: me at all. But I know he can't afford the

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Speaker 1: ring that I want and I can't afford it, so

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Speaker 1: doesn't it make sense for me to help? I know

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Speaker 1: it's not traditional, but if we get married, then in

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Speaker 1: my head, I'm thinking, what's the difference to what bank

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Speaker 1: account the money comes from? So I'm wondering if you

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Speaker 1: can give me some tips on how to bring the

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Speaker 1: subject up to offer to help pay for the ring,

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Speaker 1: or can you tell me if I'm being crazy try

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Speaker 1: I just let him get me whatever ring he can afford.

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Speaker 1: I hope the answers know. I love the end of

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Speaker 1: that I hope the answers know, mostly because it's funny,

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Speaker 1: and also I was wondering something as I was reading

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Speaker 1: that that that kind of gave me the answer to.

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Speaker 1: So I have so many things to say, and I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna do my best to approach this in an unbiased way,

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Speaker 1: although I at the same time, I am going to

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Speaker 1: throw in some of my own personal thoughts. You can

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Speaker 1: take them or leave them. I don't know if you're

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Speaker 1: asking a lot of people this question, if you're talking

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Speaker 1: to your girlfriends about this. I do know sometimes we

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Speaker 1: when we're feeling uncomfortable with something, we continue to ask

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Speaker 1: the same question to over and over to different people.

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Speaker 1: Oftentimes we're doing that because we are waiting to hear

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Speaker 1: a certain answer, We are wanting some validation. And as

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Speaker 1: I was reading this, I was wondering, are you just

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Speaker 1: looking for me to give you permission to do what

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Speaker 1: you want? Which you're an adult, so you actually don't

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Speaker 1: need my permission to do anything. That's a privilege of

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Speaker 1: being an adult. However, as adults, we do have to

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Speaker 1: sit with the consequences of the decisions we make, and

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Speaker 1: so one thing I would encourage you to do is

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Speaker 1: to look at what would be the potential consequences of

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Speaker 1: me paying for this ring, offering to pay for this ring,

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Speaker 1: or chipping in to pay for this ring. I don't

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Speaker 1: know what those consequences would be for you, because you're

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Speaker 1: in your own unique situation, but that is something I

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Speaker 1: would think about. And does having this specific ring outweigh

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Speaker 1: what some of those consequences would be. That's up to

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Speaker 1: you to decide, and your answer is allowed to be

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Speaker 1: different than what somebody else's answer is, and that's okay.

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Speaker 1: My first question, though, I thought, is are you sure

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Speaker 1: he can afford it? Because sure, you might make a

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Speaker 1: lot more money than him, but that doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: you have more money than him. And also, I guess

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Speaker 1: I'm wondering, like, well, how much is this ring? Are

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Speaker 1: you asking him to spend fifty thousand dollars on your

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Speaker 1: engagement ring? If so, okay, go for it. But I

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Speaker 1: just don't know if you're jumping to conclusions about what

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Speaker 1: he could afford and if he has money somewhere specifically

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Speaker 1: for this. I'm not sure now if that question is yeah,

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Speaker 1: he can't afford it, and I know that have you

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Speaker 1: talked to him about if it is important for him?

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Speaker 1: To pick out your ring, to have a part in

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Speaker 1: the ring, to pay for the rank. Is that important

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Speaker 1: to him? And why is that important to him? It

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Speaker 1: might not be, and it might be. I know when

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Speaker 1: I got engaged. I got engaged last March, it was

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Speaker 1: very important to my husband to pick out the ring

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Speaker 1: and have a part in doing that, and it actually

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Speaker 1: wasn't super important to me to have a specific ring.

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Speaker 1: There are a couple things that I knew I didn't want,

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Speaker 1: so I let him know that, but he did it

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Speaker 1: on his own. I didn't have really thoughts on how

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Speaker 1: big I wanted it to be, or really even like

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Speaker 1: I was like, you could be cold, it could be silver.

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Speaker 1: I don't really care. So I think that is a

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Speaker 1: little different in my situation where I didn't really care

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Speaker 1: and he did care about picking it out. Where your

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Speaker 1: partner might care, he might not care, and so if

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Speaker 1: he doesn't care, sure offer have a conversation about what

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Speaker 1: that might look like. You can do that in different ways.

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Speaker 1: If you guys are combining bank accounts, you can have

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Speaker 1: a joint bank account where you put money in before

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Speaker 1: you even get married, and maybe you can set a

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Speaker 1: budget for how much you want to chip in which

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Speaker 1: is like sounds weird saying, but how much you want

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Speaker 1: to add to that? But I also think it is

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Speaker 1: important for me to say, I've just been noticing, I

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Speaker 1: don't know if it's because I've just been in the

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Speaker 1: wedding culture lately, that the engagement ring culture has become

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Speaker 1: a thing. It's like weird that I even like that

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Speaker 1: there's a culture for that, but it's just become a thing.

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Speaker 1: And it seems like as something has been able to

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Speaker 1: be monetized, more and more and more, the stakes are higher,

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Speaker 1: and there's this pressure to have a specific looking rang,

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Speaker 1: a sized diamond, a type of diamond, when really this

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Speaker 1: is something that is supposed to symbolize a promise, it's

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Speaker 1: supposed to symbolize a commitment, and it seems like we're

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Speaker 1: getting really into the nuance of like what the ring

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Speaker 1: looks like and makes me think of selling sunset. It's

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Speaker 1: like my favorite trash TV show, which is so interesting

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Speaker 1: because it's so bad and so fake. But I remember

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Speaker 1: when one of the girls, I forget her name, Mary

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Speaker 1: got engaged and she made a lot more money than

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Speaker 1: her partner, but I'm pretty sure her partner wanted to

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Speaker 1: buy the ring I'm not sure. Anyway, he got her

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Speaker 1: a Moys and Night ring and it was pretty big,

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Speaker 1: and I thought it was interesting. Not that I care

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Speaker 1: what kind of stone, because if you that's the stone

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Speaker 1: you like, like, go for it. You don't have to

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Speaker 1: get a white diamond ring. You can get any kind

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Speaker 1: of ring you want for an engagement ring. But I

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Speaker 1: thought it was interesting that she got this huge Mois

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Speaker 1: and Night diamond or stone. But those aren't like free

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Speaker 1: like those still it probably was still in the thousands

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Speaker 1: of dollars, I don't know, And so I just thought

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Speaker 1: it was interesting of you wanted this huge status of

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Speaker 1: this stone versus could you have gotten a smaller diamond

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Speaker 1: and gotten a diamond or what does it even matter?

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Speaker 1: Like is that what you wanted or did? It? Just

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Speaker 1: seems like engagement rings have become less about the promise

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Speaker 1: and the symbol and more about like a symbol of status.

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Speaker 1: That's what I'm getting at. And I'm not saying this

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Speaker 1: is what you're doing, because for all I know, you

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Speaker 1: could be wanting a pretty relatively inexpensive ring and maybe

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Speaker 1: even one of Moys. And I don't know, I have

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Speaker 1: no idea what your financial situation is I'm just throwing

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Speaker 1: this out there that I've just heard a lot of

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Speaker 1: this talk, and I've seen a lot of this talk,

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Speaker 1: and I just don't know what would be different if

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Speaker 1: you really sat down and thought about, Okay, well, why

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Speaker 1: do I want this specific ring? What about this ring

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Speaker 1: is really important to me? Or what about getting engaged

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Speaker 1: is important to me? Is important for my partner to

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Speaker 1: offer this to me and to give this to me?

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Speaker 1: Do I want a more progressive experience where maybe I'm

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Speaker 1: buying it myself or I'm even proposing to him, like

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Speaker 1: I don't know. That's why I say there's not a

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Speaker 1: right and wrong, because you don't have to do the

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Speaker 1: traditional thing. I just want us to be empowered by

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Speaker 1: our decisions and know where these decisions are coming from.

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Speaker 1: It also had the thought that if they're not able

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Speaker 1: to give you the ring you want because of finding answers,

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Speaker 1: but your partner really does want to give you the

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Speaker 1: ring if he wants it to come from him in

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Speaker 1: that way for whatever reason, and you do want let's

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Speaker 1: say you do want a really fancy, special piece of jewelry,

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Speaker 1: can't you just buy something like that for yourself, whether

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Speaker 1: that's another ring or a pair of earrings or a

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Speaker 1: necklace or something like that. Like if you do just

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Speaker 1: want a really nice piece of jewelry, what if you

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Speaker 1: just bought something on your own, and then then you

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Speaker 1: got two piece of jewelry, You got the engagement ring

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Speaker 1: and another thing. I don't know. I'm just throwing thoughts

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Speaker 1: out of like if it's if it's about the status

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Speaker 1: of the jewelry, then you know that could be anything

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Speaker 1: versus like it's the engagement ring and what that means.

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Speaker 1: I've seen a lot of stuff. Social media is tough,

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Speaker 1: and I feel like the size of our engagement rings

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Speaker 1: is saying something that it doesn't need to be saying.

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Speaker 1: I'm really curious what you guys are thinking and what

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Speaker 1: your thoughts are, not because I think that there's a

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Speaker 1: right or wrong that we need to get at. I

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Speaker 1: just think that there's so many ways to approach this

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Speaker 1: and there isn't a writer wrong, and so I'm just

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Speaker 1: interested in how this feels to other people and what

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Speaker 1: pressures people feel and what frustrations people have. And maybe

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Speaker 1: it is a form of empowerment to be able to

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Speaker 1: buy your own ring and pick it out. And I

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Speaker 1: don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think that's

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Speaker 1: kind of cool of saying like, hey, I know we're

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Speaker 1: getting engaged typically the man, and if we're in a

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Speaker 1: head of a sexual relationship, the man buys the ring

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Speaker 1: and he gives it to me. But you know what,

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Speaker 1: I want to take some control of that, and I

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Speaker 1: want our relationship to be more balanced in whether that's

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Speaker 1: finances or certain roles. So I don't think if that's

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Speaker 1: the case, there's anything wrong. I just heard in some

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Speaker 1: of the verbiage you used it was about the expense

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Speaker 1: of the ring that was the main concern. So lots

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Speaker 1: of things to think about, things to consider. If you

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Speaker 1: guys have thoughts, send them to me. And I'm curious

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Speaker 1: even your thoughts the person that wrote in what this

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Speaker 1: was like for you to hear? If you can answer

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Speaker 1: some of the questions that I even asked, and maybe

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Speaker 1: we can continue this conversation in another episode. This goes

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Speaker 1: with a lot of the things that I feel like

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Speaker 1: I've been talking about on here lately or in the

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Speaker 1: past couple of years, where I am becoming very skeptical

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Speaker 1: of the motives behind a lot of what we are

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Speaker 1: interested in. Not because there's something wrong with us, but

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Speaker 1: because how our society works, we are kind of brainwashed

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Speaker 1: in a sense, manipulated into wanting certain things silently or

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Speaker 1: like unconsciously, really not silently, And so we have these

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Speaker 1: ideas of things that we want, but then do we

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Speaker 1: really want those? We have these things that are important

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Speaker 1: to us, but are those really important to you? And

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Speaker 1: I really just like offering space to give that power

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Speaker 1: back to ourselves. So totally fine to do whatever it

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Speaker 1: is that you want to do. I just want you

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Speaker 1: to know where this desire is coming from and why

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Speaker 1: something is important to you. Where does that come from?

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Speaker 1: So when it comes to tips on how to bring

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Speaker 1: the subject up, I don't know if I have specific

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Speaker 1: tips other than allowing you to sit down with your

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Speaker 1: partner and talk about what your expectations are for your future,

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Speaker 1: and you know how you do divvy up certain responsibilities,

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Speaker 1: if you do want things to be more progressive in

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Speaker 1: certain areas or more traditional in certain areas, if you

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Speaker 1: do want to shake up some of these gender roles

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Speaker 1: that we've just taken on, and if you do want

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Speaker 1: to offer, maybe that's a gift you give him, right,

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Speaker 1: Like I do think it's weird, like we get this

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Speaker 1: ring to where this gift it is symbol, but like, well,

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Speaker 1: dang it, the guy doesn't get anything. So maybe what

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Speaker 1: you give is help picking this out or help paying

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Speaker 1: for this thing. Maybe that takes stress off of him.

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Speaker 1: Maybe that is helpful. That can all be true. So

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Speaker 1: I just think being honest and being curious about what

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Speaker 1: this is like for him versus assuming things and really

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Speaker 1: sharing what's important to you is the best way to go.

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Speaker 1: And you know, your relationships are a lot of compromise,

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Speaker 1: so you might have to meet in the middle somewhere,

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Speaker 1: and I think that's okay. That can feel really good

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Speaker 1: to do that. So I hope this was helpful in

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Speaker 1: some way, and I hope you guys are having the

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Speaker 1: day you need to have. I hope you get the

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Speaker 1: engagement ring you need to get. And I will be

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Speaker 1: back with you guys on Monday for another episode of

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy. If you'd like to follow me, you

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Speaker 1: can follow me at Kat dot defada or at Therapy Podcast.

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Speaker 1: Thanks guys,