WEBVTT - No Judgement… Mostly

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<v Speaker 1>Hello gorgeous, it's Lala Kent. Welcome to Untraditionally Lala. Welcome

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<v Speaker 1>to Untraditionally Lala, the bonus episode. And I don't know

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<v Speaker 1>what possessed me to say we're going to do anonymous

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<v Speaker 1>listener confessions, but it just felt fun and I'm reading

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<v Speaker 1>them in Easton.

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<v Speaker 2>Plug your ears.

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<v Speaker 1>Plug your ears. You guys are unhinged. I don't know

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<v Speaker 1>if I should be concerned about the people who.

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<v Speaker 3>Are connecting with me. Because I saw a couple of

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<v Speaker 3>like write-ins.

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<v Speaker 1>In the shared notes?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah. So many ladies.

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<v Speaker 1>Out here making sus decisions. And you guys, these are

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<v Speaker 1>my listeners. My people.

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<v Speaker 3>Fucking your friends crush. That is what has railed my homies.

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<v Speaker 3>My homie's like, I have a crush on this girl.

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<v Speaker 3>And then one of the homies fucks her and he's like,

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<v Speaker 3>I'm dying.

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<v Speaker 2>Have some sympathy. I walked into a house.

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<v Speaker 3>I'll never forget. And a guy was like, I really

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<v Speaker 3>like that girl. By the grace of God, this girl

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<v Speaker 3>had no eyeballs and came on to me.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah. I didn't do it because I was like, my

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<v Speaker 2>homie likes you.

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<v Speaker 3>See? Good for you.

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<v Speaker 2>And my homie didn't even crack. So I should have.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah. What do you mean he didn't crack?

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<v Speaker 2>He didn't fuck.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, jeez.

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<v Speaker 2>That's aggressive. All right, are we ready?

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<v Speaker 1>These are so crazy. I don't know if I should

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<v Speaker 1>be judging them myself.

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<v Speaker 2>No, I'm going to be judging heavily. But keep listening in.

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<v Speaker 1>But I told them that it was a judgment-free zone.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not judging.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not judging. I'm not judging. Zero.

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<v Speaker 1>I am 46 and sleeping with a 24-year-old. The best

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<v Speaker 1>sex ever, and I squirt so much.

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<v Speaker 3>Get it, girl.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm telling you, the 24-year-olds know where it's at.

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<v Speaker 3>Well, yeah, that's because their frontal lobe isn't developed. They're

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<v Speaker 3>just like, get me in there. Get me in there.

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<v Speaker 2>They're like cavemen when it comes to pussy.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, my God. I feel like I should have brought

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<v Speaker 1>a friend to co-host this with me.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, probably. Ocean, come in here.

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<v Speaker 1>My face. I mean, would you go, you're 33? Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>So would you go for a 53 year old?

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<v Speaker 2>I'd fuck Cher.

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<v Speaker 3>How old is she? Like 88? Three? She's in the

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<v Speaker 3>eighties and I'd fucking get active, baby. 80?

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<v Speaker 1>Oh my God.

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<v Speaker 2>Probably some KY jelly for that one.

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<v Speaker 3>For sure yeah probably we're gonna need to know.

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<v Speaker 1>What to say to that moving on i love younger

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<v Speaker 1>men i'm 33 or 30 i'll be 36 very good

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<v Speaker 1>26 20 years would be i couldn't go for a

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<v Speaker 1>16 year old obviously so i'm just.

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<v Speaker 3>Gonna believe it was even in your mouth that you

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<v Speaker 3>just said that i'm just trying to do that I

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<v Speaker 3>get like 16, but like it's not legal because we're

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<v Speaker 3>not in Game of Thrones.

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<v Speaker 1>No, I'm bad at math. That's why it's taking me

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<v Speaker 1>a long time.

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<v Speaker 3>Just always remember, no matter what math, always above 18.

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<v Speaker 2>And that is fucking weird.

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<v Speaker 3>Like there was a girl, she's like just turned 18.

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<v Speaker 2>I was like, you're a child.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm sorry. I cannot breathe. 24 is like, nah. 26

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<v Speaker 1>is my cutoff.

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<v Speaker 2>26 is good. Bump that up two years.

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<v Speaker 1>10 years. I'm saying I was, Easton, this connection is

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<v Speaker 1>22 years. So I was thinking 22 years for me.

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<v Speaker 1>And then I was like, oh shit, we're really young

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<v Speaker 1>in high school. So back up the ladder, back up

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<v Speaker 1>the ladder. She's like, I.

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<v Speaker 2>Just need to be 38.

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<v Speaker 1>And then I'm done. That's not what I was saying.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh, my God.

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<v Speaker 1>I have $ 45, 000 of debt my partner doesn't know about,

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<v Speaker 1>and it is stressful.

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<v Speaker 3>I would tell them because I think the stress will

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<v Speaker 3>kill you.

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<v Speaker 1>The stress will kill you. You know what?

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<v Speaker 3>Just consolidate it.

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<v Speaker 1>You've got to tell.

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<v Speaker 2>You got to tell someone. You got to get help.

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<v Speaker 1>They're telling us.

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<v Speaker 2>Here's the thing.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm glad that they told us, but I cannot help

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<v Speaker 3>on that interest rate.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't think that they're asking for our help. They're

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<v Speaker 1>just trying to get shit off their chest. That's it.

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<v Speaker 1>They're not asking for us to help them. That's what's

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<v Speaker 1>great about this episode. They're not even asking for advice.

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<v Speaker 1>We're just here to listen. They're getting shit off their chest.

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<v Speaker 1>You are seen. You are heard. 45K, that does sound

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<v Speaker 1>hella stressful. It does, but just.

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<v Speaker 3>Look at it this way. Some people go and buy

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<v Speaker 3>a $ 60, 000 car with 20K down. So in a sense,

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<v Speaker 3>it's the same.

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<v Speaker 2>At least you got a thing for it, though.

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<v Speaker 1>We don't know why they're in debt, but I would

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<v Speaker 1>definitely open up to my partner about this so that

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<v Speaker 1>you guys can come up with a game plan. Just

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<v Speaker 1>my thought. Aw, this person said that they're in love

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<v Speaker 1>with me. That's good to hear.

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<v Speaker 2>A little cookie monster.

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<v Speaker 1>That feels good. That feels really good. I love them too.

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<v Speaker 1>Broke my now husband's penis while we were doing it,

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<v Speaker 1>and he had to have a three-hour surgery.

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<v Speaker 2>That's crazy to me. What could you have.

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<v Speaker 1>Been doing to break a dick? Those things are durable.

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<v Speaker 3>She could have been riding that thing like a cowgirl,

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<v Speaker 3>slipped up and really crunched down. But you can't break

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<v Speaker 3>a cock. There's no bone in it. It's cartilage.

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<v Speaker 1>You can break a dick. That's why he spent three

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<v Speaker 1>hours in surgery.

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<v Speaker 2>I know because I think they have to reconstruct the cartilage.

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<v Speaker 1>I have been talking to my best friend's crush for

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<v Speaker 1>five months and she has no idea.

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<v Speaker 2>You're not a best friend to her.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm going to tell you that right now.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, no. You know what? Get it off your chest.

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<v Speaker 1>No judgment here. No judgment here. Like I said, I've

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<v Speaker 1>you guys also a POS.

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<v Speaker 2>How, though?

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<v Speaker 3>What if I'm a guy and like this girl that

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<v Speaker 3>I don't like is like I have a crush on

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<v Speaker 3>him and I'm like, well, I want to fuck your friend.

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<v Speaker 2>I can't fuck the friend because I don't like the crush.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, that's true because she's not saying that they like

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<v Speaker 1>each other. Yeah. She's just saying her best friend likes him.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, like if it's, so I, as a guy, if

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<v Speaker 3>a girl has a crush on me, it just handcuffs

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<v Speaker 3>me where I can't do anything because someone likes me

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<v Speaker 3>that I don't, so I can't do anything. You're right.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm fucking the friend. He's in the clear. But they're

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<v Speaker 1>just talking. They haven't done anything. At least she says

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<v Speaker 1>they haven't.

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<v Speaker 2>Here's the thing. That's almost worse.

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<v Speaker 1>Emotional.

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<v Speaker 3>Mm-hmm.

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<v Speaker 1>That's like where you get married to your best friend's crush.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm just going to put it out there. You guys

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<v Speaker 1>probably won't be friends when she finds out.

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<v Speaker 3>She's like a real tough bitch.

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<v Speaker 1>Unless she's like Amber or giving heart.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>Slept with my co-worker's husband on a work trip.

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<v Speaker 3>Felt bad.

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<v Speaker 1>So became her best friend. He cheated again with a

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<v Speaker 1>20 year old. So now the heat is off me.

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<v Speaker 2>I fucking love you.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes.

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<v Speaker 3>The heat is off you. Just that never happened.

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<v Speaker 2>It's on to the 20 year old. Fuck it.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh my God. But like how calculated to be like, Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm so sorry that I fucked your husband. You don't

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<v Speaker 1>know about it. I'm going to become your best friend.

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<v Speaker 2>No, I'd rather not be friends with you.

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<v Speaker 1>This one's good. I lie to my kids and tell

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<v Speaker 1>them the hospital is closed. So they try not to

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<v Speaker 1>get hurt. Wow.

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<v Speaker 3>Taking that one with us. No.

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<v Speaker 1>See, I have to do the opposite. If you get hurt,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm taking you to the hospital. And then they don't

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<v Speaker 1>get hurt because they don't want to go to the hospital.

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<v Speaker 1>Ocean's very anti-doctor.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you've scarred her when it comes to shots.

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<v Speaker 1>How? Because I had to give them to her?

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<v Speaker 2>No, you didn't tell her the one day.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, I did. I was trying this thing where it

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<v Speaker 1>was like, I would tell her when she was going

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<v Speaker 1>to get a shot and she would lose her mind

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<v Speaker 1>from the time we got up in the morning till

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<v Speaker 1>the time it was over. So I was like, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>going to just try something different. No buildup. We're just

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<v Speaker 1>going to get to the doctor and she's going to

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<v Speaker 1>get the shot. Now, every time we leave the house,

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<v Speaker 1>you guys, she asks me, are you taking me to

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<v Speaker 1>get a shot?

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<v Speaker 3>We're going to the grocery store and she goes, are

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<v Speaker 3>we going to the doctor though?

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<v Speaker 1>I despise the guy I am seeing but can't break

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<v Speaker 1>it off because he will be devastated. Oh, I despise

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<v Speaker 1>the guy I was seeing, too. Instead, I had a

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<v Speaker 1>baby with him. I would break it off.

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<v Speaker 2>Break it off.

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<v Speaker 3>Break it off.

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<v Speaker 1>If he's devastated, who even cares?

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<v Speaker 2>Save some time.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, also, like, what's the game plan here?

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<v Speaker 2>And I go have to be unhappy. Guess who this

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<v Speaker 2>is reminding me of?

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<v Speaker 1>Who?

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<v Speaker 2>George Costanza.

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<v Speaker 3>When he's going to marry Susan and he can't do it,

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<v Speaker 3>but he can't face that scene of breaking up.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, and then he accidentally chooses.

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<v Speaker 3>I can't face that scene. Because I'd rather be unhappy

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<v Speaker 3>for the rest of my life than face that scene.

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<v Speaker 2>So true.

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<v Speaker 3>It's like, fuck, I hate you, but God, I can't

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<v Speaker 3>face that scene. I know.

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<v Speaker 1>And then he has her lick the envelopes of their

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<v Speaker 1>wedding invitations and it's poisonous and she dies.

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<v Speaker 3>I know.

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<v Speaker 1>And then he would have had so much money.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, but he would have been unhappily married.

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<v Speaker 1>Can I tell you, in real life, he would be so, like,

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<v Speaker 1>he's a piece of shit.

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<v Speaker 3>George.

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<v Speaker 1>But he's so endearing on Seinfeld.

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<v Speaker 3>Well, he's Larry David on Seinfeld. Jerry. You know that, right?

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<v Speaker 1>Yes.

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<v Speaker 3>Very good.

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<v Speaker 1>It's not a lie.

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<v Speaker 3>If you believe it. Sociopath. How are you going to

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<v Speaker 3>not think he's a piece of shit in real life?

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<v Speaker 3>His character is a piece of shit.

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<v Speaker 1>I know, but do you find him endearing?

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, I love. George. I could get George Costanza tattooed

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<v Speaker 3>on me and it would be my favorite tattoo.

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<v Speaker 1>My favorite tattoo.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes.

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<v Speaker 1>I always think about getting a Seinfeld tattoo.

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<v Speaker 2>I may get.

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<v Speaker 1>Larry David, the silhouette of Curb Your Enthusiasm. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>it's just a drawing of his face.

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<v Speaker 2>But no, I really.

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<v Speaker 3>Here's the thing.

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<v Speaker 2>I can't, but I wanted to. He really shat the bed. Kramer.

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<v Speaker 3>He had that thing happen. Oh, that thing.

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<v Speaker 2>But before that, I would have got him tattooed on me.

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<v Speaker 1>Me too, and then he fucked it all up with

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<v Speaker 1>his stand-up.

0:10:33.470 --> 0:10:34.070
<v Speaker 3>Kramer.

0:10:34.090 --> 0:10:50.559
<v Speaker 1>Kramer. My friend's ex cheated, so I peed on his

0:10:50.640 --> 0:10:52.600
<v Speaker 1>toothbrush while on my period.

0:10:55.679 --> 0:10:56.179
<v Speaker 3>Yes!

0:10:56.470 --> 0:10:58.070
<v Speaker 2>He's like, oh, my gums are bleeding.

0:10:58.090 --> 0:11:02.890
<v Speaker 1>Easton, you always just take it a little too far.

0:11:02.910 --> 0:11:05.690
<v Speaker 2>Well, that's how you know you still have a line.

0:11:05.809 --> 0:11:06.390
<v Speaker 3>You know what?

0:11:06.850 --> 0:11:11.740
<v Speaker 1>This just made me happy. Love doing something horrible to

0:11:11.790 --> 0:11:12.390
<v Speaker 1>a toothbrush.

0:11:12.630 --> 0:11:14.059
<v Speaker 3>Okay? I've done that.

0:11:14.240 --> 0:11:15.120
<v Speaker 1>I did that to my ex.

0:11:15.460 --> 0:11:18.410
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, didn't you shove it in your ass? I think

0:11:18.450 --> 0:11:19.770
<v Speaker 2>I'd rather have the period blood.

0:11:21.130 --> 0:11:22.890
<v Speaker 1>I wrote about it in my book, not thinking that

0:11:22.910 --> 0:11:24.240
<v Speaker 1>it was going to be, it was supposed to be

0:11:24.280 --> 0:11:26.300
<v Speaker 1>like a love letter to my sobriety and all the

0:11:26.340 --> 0:11:29.500
<v Speaker 1>like fucked up shit I did. And it became the

0:11:29.540 --> 0:11:33.239
<v Speaker 1>headlines everywhere. And I remember it so vividly. We're in

0:11:33.280 --> 0:11:35.240
<v Speaker 1>Miami and I fucking do it because he pissed me

0:11:35.280 --> 0:11:38.060
<v Speaker 1>off for the fucking last time. I leave it out.

0:11:38.140 --> 0:11:40.719
<v Speaker 1>He comes in brushing his teeth and I'm on the

0:11:40.760 --> 0:11:45.150
<v Speaker 1>toilet and I just start cackling. And he's like, what,

0:11:45.330 --> 0:11:47.309
<v Speaker 1>what's so funny? I was like, You have shit in

0:11:47.330 --> 0:11:49.290
<v Speaker 1>your teeth. I shoved that toothbrush up my ass.

0:11:49.730 --> 0:11:52.090
<v Speaker 2>Up your... Oh, God. I thought it was just like

0:11:52.150 --> 0:11:53.309
<v Speaker 2>a toilet paper wipe.

0:11:53.330 --> 0:11:54.290
<v Speaker 1>It could have been.

0:11:54.309 --> 0:11:55.000
<v Speaker 2>In the ass.

0:11:55.080 --> 0:11:58.100
<v Speaker 1>It could have been. It could have been. I don't remember.

0:11:58.700 --> 0:12:01.260
<v Speaker 1>But the look of devastation puts.

0:12:01.140 --> 0:12:01.940
<v Speaker 2>Me to sleep at night.

0:12:01.960 --> 0:12:03.300
<v Speaker 3>That poor toothbrush.

0:12:03.320 --> 0:12:05.599
<v Speaker 1>All I have to do is think about that and

0:12:05.620 --> 0:12:08.610
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, I'm going to sleep like a baby. Good

0:12:08.640 --> 0:12:12.290
<v Speaker 1>for you. You're a ride or die bitch. I am

0:12:12.470 --> 0:12:14.790
<v Speaker 1>in love with a guy who won't even finger me

0:12:14.850 --> 0:12:15.410
<v Speaker 1>during sex.

0:12:16.320 --> 0:12:17.900
<v Speaker 2>Well, his penis is stuffed in there.

0:12:17.960 --> 0:12:18.960
<v Speaker 3>How's he going to get a finger?

0:12:18.980 --> 0:12:28.250
<v Speaker 2>Or are we talking clitoris rub? The clitoris! You got

0:12:28.270 --> 0:12:28.949
<v Speaker 2>to ring the bell.

0:12:28.970 --> 0:12:32.550
<v Speaker 3>Ring my bell!

0:12:32.790 --> 0:12:34.290
<v Speaker 2>Maybe that's what that song was made for.

0:12:37.120 --> 0:12:40.839
<v Speaker 1>This is horrible. You poor thing. You should talk to

0:12:40.900 --> 0:12:41.640
<v Speaker 1>him about that.

0:12:41.660 --> 0:12:45.300
<v Speaker 2>That is awful. You know what, though?

0:12:45.340 --> 0:12:47.450
<v Speaker 1>When we're in love, we let a lot of shit slide.

0:12:47.470 --> 0:12:50.510
<v Speaker 1>Just not his fingers. Cover your ears for a second.

0:12:50.890 --> 0:12:51.510
<v Speaker 1>Cover your ears.

0:12:51.530 --> 0:12:52.089
<v Speaker 3>Sorry.

0:12:52.450 --> 0:12:54.750
<v Speaker 1>And like do the little thing so you get it here.

0:12:55.550 --> 0:12:57.730
<v Speaker 1>There was a man I was in love with and

0:12:57.770 --> 0:13:01.050
<v Speaker 1>we were fucking around, right? And I tell him, put

0:13:01.070 --> 0:13:04.010
<v Speaker 1>your fingers in. And he looks at me and he goes, fingers?

0:13:04.770 --> 0:13:06.860
<v Speaker 1>And I'm like, yeah, you ain't going to get it

0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:08.840
<v Speaker 1>done with just the index, buddy. I mean, I'm going

0:13:08.860 --> 0:13:10.740
<v Speaker 1>to need like this to happen.

0:13:11.220 --> 0:13:12.140
<v Speaker 2>This to happen.

0:13:12.640 --> 0:13:15.470
<v Speaker 1>Jesus Christ. That's how I knew he hadn't been with

0:13:15.490 --> 0:13:16.110
<v Speaker 1>a lot of people.

0:13:16.450 --> 0:13:19.260
<v Speaker 3>Oh, you're good. That felt really good. I'm going to

0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:20.640
<v Speaker 3>need to clean my fingers after this.

0:13:20.679 --> 0:13:23.420
<v Speaker 1>My old roommate ripped me off, so I signed her

0:13:23.640 --> 0:13:28.970
<v Speaker 1>up for a Jehovah's... It's so good. For a Jehovah's visit.

0:13:32.059 --> 0:13:33.160
<v Speaker 2>That really is.

0:13:33.920 --> 0:13:34.680
<v Speaker 1>That's genius.

0:13:34.740 --> 0:13:36.640
<v Speaker 3>No, it is because we weren't even on the shit

0:13:36.660 --> 0:13:38.840
<v Speaker 3>list and people would do that to us with the Mormons.

0:13:39.340 --> 0:13:40.820
<v Speaker 3>Remember at 36, 48? Yeah.

0:13:41.320 --> 0:13:43.320
<v Speaker 1>And my mom would kind of be mean to them.

0:13:43.900 --> 0:13:46.540
<v Speaker 1>And then she realized, and they would keep coming back

0:13:46.559 --> 0:13:48.460
<v Speaker 1>because it's almost like, oh, they just need to find

0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:51.400
<v Speaker 1>God or whatever. And so finally mom would answer the

0:13:51.440 --> 0:13:56.490
<v Speaker 1>door and be like, hi, we actually are really strong

0:13:56.500 --> 0:13:59.190
<v Speaker 1>in our faith. But we would love to invite you

0:13:59.370 --> 0:14:01.370
<v Speaker 1>in for dinner. I just cooked dinner and we would

0:14:01.429 --> 0:14:03.050
<v Speaker 1>love to invite you in because I'm sure you need.

0:14:02.950 --> 0:14:03.530
<v Speaker 3>To eat or whatever.

0:14:03.550 --> 0:14:04.950
<v Speaker 1>And they wanted nothing to do with us.

0:14:05.450 --> 0:14:06.750
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I would usually.

0:14:06.770 --> 0:14:09.570
<v Speaker 2>I started to answer the door shirtless.

0:14:11.090 --> 0:14:11.370
<v Speaker 1>Why?

0:14:11.390 --> 0:14:14.209
<v Speaker 2>I had tattoos. They got the point.

0:14:14.870 --> 0:14:18.079
<v Speaker 1>Oh, you cannot be saved. I made a fake IG

0:14:18.100 --> 0:14:21.120
<v Speaker 1>so I could stalk my ex. This person is very kind.

0:14:21.700 --> 0:14:23.800
<v Speaker 1>I can just tell because we all do that. Actually,

0:14:23.820 --> 0:14:24.240
<v Speaker 1>I just do it.

0:14:24.220 --> 0:14:25.940
<v Speaker 2>Straight from my own account. I just stalk from my own, yeah.

0:14:25.960 --> 0:14:26.460
<v Speaker 3>See my name out there.

0:14:26.480 --> 0:14:27.800
<v Speaker 1>Because I don't know how to, I can't figure out

0:14:27.880 --> 0:14:30.840
<v Speaker 1>how to make a burner. It asks so many questions.

0:14:31.420 --> 0:14:34.410
<v Speaker 2>You don't, no. You're too lazy to make a.

0:14:34.400 --> 0:14:35.190
<v Speaker 3>Burner is what it is.

0:14:35.210 --> 0:14:39.450
<v Speaker 1>Whatever the reasoning, I'm like, so many questions to make

0:14:39.490 --> 0:14:41.530
<v Speaker 1>this burner. I'm just going to cyber stalk from my

0:14:41.550 --> 0:14:43.770
<v Speaker 1>own account. Every time it asks me for an email, no.

0:14:44.170 --> 0:14:46.250
<v Speaker 2>Email, it's like, you know how long my last name is?

0:14:46.290 --> 0:14:47.390
<v Speaker 3>I'm not typing that in.

0:14:47.460 --> 0:14:47.840
<v Speaker 2>Fuck you.

0:14:48.050 --> 0:14:50.140
<v Speaker 1>Also, I don't want to get, like, you're probably going

0:14:50.160 --> 0:14:51.040
<v Speaker 1>to pass my email to someone else.

0:14:51.060 --> 0:14:52.260
<v Speaker 2>Yes, and then I just don't want to deal.

0:14:52.280 --> 0:14:54.960
<v Speaker 1>And then I start getting others. Oh, my God. I

0:14:55.020 --> 0:14:59.270
<v Speaker 1>slept with my ex-mother-in-law's ex-boyfriend. I let her find out

0:14:59.370 --> 0:15:00.050
<v Speaker 1>as revenge.

0:15:00.890 --> 0:15:01.910
<v Speaker 2>Well, what did she do to you?

0:15:01.930 --> 0:15:03.990
<v Speaker 1>I wish she would have put that in because this

0:15:04.010 --> 0:15:06.910
<v Speaker 1>could either be super cold or, like, super cold.

0:15:09.190 --> 0:15:09.710
<v Speaker 3>Good for her.

0:15:11.150 --> 0:15:13.780
<v Speaker 1>The ex-mother-in-law, she's got to be old. She went for, like,

0:15:13.820 --> 0:15:14.720
<v Speaker 1>an old guy.

0:15:15.760 --> 0:15:18.400
<v Speaker 2>Maybe the ex-mother-in-law was fucking a 24-year-old.

0:15:18.440 --> 0:15:19.420
<v Speaker 3>You never know.

0:15:19.540 --> 0:15:22.660
<v Speaker 1>Not only did you do your ex-mother-in-law dirty, but you did...

0:15:23.440 --> 0:15:24.620
<v Speaker 1>Your man's dirty.

0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:27.870
<v Speaker 2>I don't think she has many friends in that family anymore.

0:15:27.880 --> 0:15:29.400
<v Speaker 1>You know what? It's okay. We do what we have

0:15:29.420 --> 0:15:31.810
<v Speaker 1>to do to seek revenge, and there is no judgment here.

0:15:31.830 --> 0:15:33.390
<v Speaker 3>Oh, revenge is sweet.

0:15:33.610 --> 0:15:35.950
<v Speaker 1>Mine looks a little... My revenge looks a little different.

0:15:36.650 --> 0:15:40.110
<v Speaker 1>I'm on my honeymoon and pregnant. I haven't told my

0:15:40.170 --> 0:15:40.770
<v Speaker 1>husband yet.

0:15:41.550 --> 0:15:44.610
<v Speaker 3>Oh, that'll be fun for him. Just 18 years to life.

0:15:46.310 --> 0:15:49.650
<v Speaker 1>Also, like the honeymoon, like they're quite literally on their

0:15:49.690 --> 0:15:52.890
<v Speaker 1>honeymoon phase or in their honeymoon phase. And there's nothing

0:15:52.950 --> 0:15:56.580
<v Speaker 1>to bring you back to reality like a baby.

0:15:56.600 --> 0:16:00.320
<v Speaker 2>Do you think he's clocking it, though? Like he's like, yeah,

0:16:00.400 --> 0:16:02.040
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to give you a margarita. She's like, I

0:16:02.280 --> 0:16:02.820
<v Speaker 2>have water.

0:16:03.400 --> 0:16:05.940
<v Speaker 1>He's clocking it for sure on here. He's clocking it

0:16:05.960 --> 0:16:08.180
<v Speaker 1>for sure. I get turned on having sex where I

0:16:08.220 --> 0:16:10.860
<v Speaker 1>can get caught like my parents bed.

0:16:12.550 --> 0:16:14.110
<v Speaker 3>I have no idea what she just wrote.

0:16:15.310 --> 0:16:17.630
<v Speaker 1>She has sex in places where she'll get caught because

0:16:17.670 --> 0:16:20.630
<v Speaker 1>it turns her on. Like she wants people to come

0:16:20.670 --> 0:16:24.890
<v Speaker 1>in and find her. It's like. The thrill. Yeah, the thrill.

0:16:24.930 --> 0:16:25.910
<v Speaker 1>That sounds terrifying.

0:16:26.190 --> 0:16:28.750
<v Speaker 2>It really does. Start role playing. Lock the door.

0:16:29.150 --> 0:16:31.150
<v Speaker 1>So I really wish I would have read all of

0:16:31.190 --> 0:16:32.950
<v Speaker 1>these before I had you join the podcast.

0:16:33.770 --> 0:16:35.330
<v Speaker 3>Moving on to the next one.

0:16:35.850 --> 0:16:38.430
<v Speaker 1>Sometimes I prefer the vibrator over sex with my partner.

0:16:41.260 --> 0:16:42.220
<v Speaker 3>Yeah. How could you not?

0:16:42.580 --> 0:16:44.040
<v Speaker 2>I saw those things at work and I was like,

0:16:44.550 --> 0:16:45.450
<v Speaker 2>where do we keep up?

0:16:45.610 --> 0:16:47.170
<v Speaker 1>What do you mean you saw them at work? Oh,

0:16:47.230 --> 0:16:49.050
<v Speaker 1>here at the podcast? Yeah.

0:16:49.990 --> 0:16:50.890
<v Speaker 2>I mean, here's the thing.

0:16:51.010 --> 0:16:54.550
<v Speaker 3>Even the fucking WNBA, that green dildo that flopped onto

0:16:54.570 --> 0:16:54.970
<v Speaker 3>the court.

0:16:55.050 --> 0:16:57.570
<v Speaker 2>I was like, that thing, if that thing is being used,

0:16:58.270 --> 0:16:59.109
<v Speaker 2>we're no use.

0:16:59.460 --> 0:16:59.910
<v Speaker 3>You are.

0:16:59.930 --> 0:17:01.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. Men are no use.

0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:04.659
<v Speaker 3>That's for sure. Thank you. I was hoping that I

0:17:04.700 --> 0:17:07.720
<v Speaker 3>have a, just to let everyone know one other, a

0:17:08.180 --> 0:17:08.860
<v Speaker 3>Manny in here.

0:17:08.880 --> 0:17:08.960
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:17:10.560 --> 0:17:10.960
<v Speaker 3>He agreed.

0:17:12.500 --> 0:17:14.280
<v Speaker 1>You know, you are... Here's the thing.

0:17:14.500 --> 0:17:14.820
<v Speaker 3>You are.

0:17:14.840 --> 0:17:16.020
<v Speaker 2>We're emotionally useful?

0:17:16.060 --> 0:17:21.790
<v Speaker 1>When I had to change the fire alarm in Palm Springs,

0:17:22.510 --> 0:17:25.090
<v Speaker 1>I was like, I could really use a husband right now.

0:17:25.109 --> 0:17:26.890
<v Speaker 1>I could really use a husband.

0:17:26.910 --> 0:17:28.730
<v Speaker 2>Where the fuck's the guy?

0:17:28.970 --> 0:17:32.550
<v Speaker 1>He cheated, so I left tuna, milk, and egg yolk

0:17:32.869 --> 0:17:34.689
<v Speaker 1>hidden all over his van.

0:17:34.710 --> 0:17:40.980
<v Speaker 3>What? you should have taken it a little further and

0:17:41.020 --> 0:17:44.200
<v Speaker 3>like put it in like the crevices of like window seals.

0:17:45.490 --> 0:17:46.730
<v Speaker 2>So this motherfucker's just.

0:17:46.670 --> 0:17:48.689
<v Speaker 1>Smelling tuna like in the sea belt.

0:17:48.530 --> 0:17:51.830
<v Speaker 3>Yeah no like in the house like in his bedroom

0:17:51.869 --> 0:17:54.510
<v Speaker 3>like where he opens the window like just smear some

0:17:54.530 --> 0:17:58.090
<v Speaker 3>there smear it everywhere so this motherfucker is just like

0:17:58.320 --> 0:18:01.560
<v Speaker 3>living at sea with just tuna He's like, where the

0:18:01.730 --> 0:18:03.260
<v Speaker 3>fuck is this ocean coming from?

0:18:03.280 --> 0:18:04.830
<v Speaker 2>I don't live anywhere near it.

0:18:05.160 --> 0:18:09.240
<v Speaker 1>That's so good. When I had a cold and had

0:18:09.260 --> 0:18:13.359
<v Speaker 1>to go to work, I licked the bully boss's straw.

0:18:13.380 --> 0:18:18.120
<v Speaker 3>How fucked up that like, I've done that too.

0:18:18.820 --> 0:18:21.060
<v Speaker 2>I was sick at work and they wouldn't give me

0:18:21.100 --> 0:18:21.600
<v Speaker 2>the day off.

0:18:21.619 --> 0:18:23.000
<v Speaker 3>So I touched fucking everything.

0:18:23.560 --> 0:18:28.700
<v Speaker 2>Everyone got sick. And I was sick.

0:18:28.740 --> 0:18:31.850
<v Speaker 3>Fuck it. Who cares? But I will tell you, people

0:18:31.910 --> 0:18:36.620
<v Speaker 3>did get sick. And that was very worth it. So yes,

0:18:36.650 --> 0:18:37.340
<v Speaker 3>with that girl.

0:18:37.470 --> 0:18:39.859
<v Speaker 1>You're going to like this one. I prank called my

0:18:39.900 --> 0:18:42.219
<v Speaker 1>boyfriend's ex and farted on the phone, then hung up.

0:18:42.240 --> 0:18:45.160
<v Speaker 3>Well, that's what they are.

0:18:45.300 --> 0:18:46.040
<v Speaker 2>Just a fart.

0:18:46.280 --> 0:18:46.720
<v Speaker 3>Fuck them.

0:18:47.460 --> 0:18:48.340
<v Speaker 2>You were right for doing that.

0:18:48.359 --> 0:18:50.850
<v Speaker 1>You're dropping the F word so much. And even though

0:18:50.869 --> 0:18:56.689
<v Speaker 1>I love it. I love it. So I don't know

0:18:56.710 --> 0:18:58.730
<v Speaker 1>what our list. Actually, our listeners are just as rogue

0:18:58.770 --> 0:19:13.350
<v Speaker 1>as us. My ex cheated, so I slept with his brother.

0:19:14.490 --> 0:19:18.290
<v Speaker 3>Shitty brother. If I had a brother and he was like,

0:19:18.310 --> 0:19:20.909
<v Speaker 3>I cheated on my ex, I wouldn't be like, can

0:19:20.950 --> 0:19:21.449
<v Speaker 3>I sleep with her?

0:19:22.090 --> 0:19:22.950
<v Speaker 1>Mine are really stupid.

0:19:22.970 --> 0:19:25.040
<v Speaker 2>No, I'd be like, all right, good for you. If

0:19:25.060 --> 0:19:28.740
<v Speaker 2>she talked to me, I'd go, no, no.

0:19:30.440 --> 0:19:34.199
<v Speaker 1>Even if the girl, even if your brother cheated? What

0:19:34.240 --> 0:19:36.620
<v Speaker 1>if you really liked the girl? Not liked her like that,

0:19:36.640 --> 0:19:38.310
<v Speaker 1>but she was like a really great girl.

0:19:38.350 --> 0:19:40.530
<v Speaker 3>I need to have a conversation with my brother.

0:19:41.490 --> 0:19:45.070
<v Speaker 1>Your brother doesn't deserve a conversation. He's a cheating, lying scumbag.

0:19:45.090 --> 0:19:47.010
<v Speaker 3>Could have answers.

0:19:47.130 --> 0:19:50.500
<v Speaker 1>I once swirled my mom's new boyfriend's toothbrush. in a

0:19:50.580 --> 0:19:54.900
<v Speaker 1>toilet and he used it. You guys, we're all so

0:19:54.960 --> 0:19:57.830
<v Speaker 1>in sync. Go straight for the toothbrush. What is going

0:19:57.890 --> 0:20:01.449
<v Speaker 1>into his mouth? You want to fuck around? Then you're

0:20:01.470 --> 0:20:01.889
<v Speaker 1>going to find out.

0:20:01.910 --> 0:20:02.750
<v Speaker 3>You want to fuck....

0:20:04.440 --> 0:20:06.620
<v Speaker 2>What is that in you want to fuck on me the.

0:20:09.430 --> 0:20:12.070
<v Speaker 3>Hangover when he jumps out of the car butt naked

0:20:12.090 --> 0:20:12.950
<v Speaker 3>you want to fuck.

0:20:12.790 --> 0:20:19.290
<v Speaker 1>On me who is that oh he's so good that

0:20:19.330 --> 0:20:20.109
<v Speaker 1>movie we should.

0:20:19.990 --> 0:20:23.530
<v Speaker 3>Watch that yeah no it's terrific so good he is

0:20:23.550 --> 0:20:24.690
<v Speaker 3>a delight.

0:20:24.580 --> 0:20:27.040
<v Speaker 1>I had an abortion 13 years ago and didn't know

0:20:27.060 --> 0:20:28.040
<v Speaker 1>who the dad was.

0:20:28.800 --> 0:20:32.530
<v Speaker 3>Wasn't that why you usually get him no oh I

0:20:32.590 --> 0:20:34.510
<v Speaker 3>like whores from the north.

0:20:35.030 --> 0:20:35.470
<v Speaker 1>He's a man.

0:20:35.490 --> 0:20:36.149
<v Speaker 3>He's a man.

0:20:36.430 --> 0:20:38.889
<v Speaker 1>No judgment here. Yeah. I mean, I think you made

0:20:38.910 --> 0:20:41.660
<v Speaker 1>a great decision. After a bad fight with my ex,

0:20:42.060 --> 0:20:46.119
<v Speaker 1>I would put Miralax in his food. So he's just

0:20:46.160 --> 0:20:47.320
<v Speaker 1>shitting his brains out all day.

0:20:47.340 --> 0:20:47.960
<v Speaker 2>That's genius.

0:20:48.000 --> 0:20:51.359
<v Speaker 3>The sad thing is, if I had a significant other

0:20:51.660 --> 0:20:54.179
<v Speaker 3>that did that, I wouldn't even know the difference if

0:20:54.240 --> 0:20:56.550
<v Speaker 3>I was having Miralax or whatever the fuck that is.

0:20:56.570 --> 0:21:02.430
<v Speaker 1>Miralax. Miralax. Yeah, my baby daddy makes my life 10,000

0:21:02.430 --> 0:21:04.909
<v Speaker 1>times worse. I wish he would pass away.

0:21:06.790 --> 0:21:07.280
<v Speaker 3>You know what?

0:21:07.390 --> 0:21:10.700
<v Speaker 2>I'll add that to my prayers. What's her name?

0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:12.300
<v Speaker 3>Anonymous? It's Anonymous.

0:21:12.880 --> 0:21:16.020
<v Speaker 1>They're just getting things off their chest. I was having

0:21:16.080 --> 0:21:19.119
<v Speaker 1>sex with my boyfriend and thought I squirted, but I peed. So,

0:21:19.180 --> 0:21:19.790
<v Speaker 1>fun fact.

0:21:20.070 --> 0:21:20.730
<v Speaker 3>Isn't squirting pee?

0:21:20.750 --> 0:21:24.290
<v Speaker 1>Squirting is pee. It's just a super, super concentrated version

0:21:24.310 --> 0:21:26.610
<v Speaker 1>of pee. So technically, you're fine.

0:21:26.630 --> 0:21:27.189
<v Speaker 3>It's diluted.

0:21:27.900 --> 0:21:29.330
<v Speaker 2>It's diluted urine.

0:21:29.550 --> 0:21:32.570
<v Speaker 1>Pretty much. Yeah, you're good. Here's the thing. When you're

0:21:32.750 --> 0:21:35.129
<v Speaker 1>being intimate with your person, shit's going to happen.

0:21:35.390 --> 0:21:37.810
<v Speaker 3>Just to let you know, men are so stupid.

0:21:37.890 --> 0:21:39.870
<v Speaker 2>If you were having sex, if he was having sex

0:21:39.890 --> 0:21:40.310
<v Speaker 2>with you.

0:21:40.970 --> 0:21:43.650
<v Speaker 3>And you just started to pee and you said, I'm squirting,

0:21:43.690 --> 0:21:46.450
<v Speaker 3>we'd be like, yeah, yeah, she's squirting.

0:21:46.910 --> 0:21:47.909
<v Speaker 2>We're dumb as fuck.

0:21:48.690 --> 0:21:50.600
<v Speaker 1>I had a dream. I had a threesome with you

0:21:50.640 --> 0:21:53.540
<v Speaker 1>and Amber. Sounds hot. I hope we looked good. I

0:21:53.580 --> 0:21:56.660
<v Speaker 1>hope in the threesome I had my clippings. Wow.

0:21:56.680 --> 0:21:56.820
<v Speaker 3>Wow.

0:21:57.550 --> 0:21:58.290
<v Speaker 2>Moving on.

0:21:58.869 --> 0:21:59.650
<v Speaker 3>Moving on.

0:21:59.710 --> 0:22:02.679
<v Speaker 1>I slept with my sister's ex. I feel awful. I

0:22:02.700 --> 0:22:06.000
<v Speaker 1>was drinking at the time, but sober now. No judgment.

0:22:06.200 --> 0:22:06.700
<v Speaker 3>You know what?

0:22:06.920 --> 0:22:10.199
<v Speaker 2>Write it in your book. Burn the paper.

0:22:14.090 --> 0:22:15.710
<v Speaker 1>I hope nothing like that happens to my girls.

0:22:15.730 --> 0:22:17.570
<v Speaker 3>Okay.

0:22:18.910 --> 0:22:21.570
<v Speaker 1>I fake having diarrhea to hide in the bathroom for

0:22:21.609 --> 0:22:23.040
<v Speaker 1>my husband and kids once a week.

0:22:24.790 --> 0:22:25.530
<v Speaker 2>I do that daily.

0:22:25.550 --> 0:22:27.020
<v Speaker 3>I'm going to take a shit.

0:22:27.280 --> 0:22:31.280
<v Speaker 1>I've been there. I have totally been there. Lauren, I

0:22:31.320 --> 0:22:33.920
<v Speaker 1>can't deal right now. I got to go to the bathroom.

0:22:34.800 --> 0:22:35.720
<v Speaker 3>I go in there.

0:22:35.800 --> 0:22:38.400
<v Speaker 2>I sit on top of the lid and just breathe.

0:22:38.440 --> 0:22:39.860
<v Speaker 3>I'm like, Jesus Christ.

0:22:39.880 --> 0:22:41.220
<v Speaker 1>I need a moment. It goes back to the commercial

0:22:41.260 --> 0:22:43.520
<v Speaker 1>with the Milano cookies with the mom. She closes the

0:22:43.560 --> 0:22:46.020
<v Speaker 1>door and it's locked and she's up against the bathtub

0:22:46.040 --> 0:22:49.550
<v Speaker 1>just eating that and people are banging. She's like, cannot deal. Yeah.

0:22:50.060 --> 0:22:50.950
<v Speaker 1>I'm right there with her.

0:22:50.960 --> 0:22:53.780
<v Speaker 3>What's it called? I have a question. Do you understand this?

0:22:53.840 --> 0:22:54.740
<v Speaker 3>It was in a stand-up.

0:22:54.800 --> 0:22:56.100
<v Speaker 2>Louis C.K. He's back.

0:22:56.119 --> 0:22:58.239
<v Speaker 3>He's not canceled. He's on Netflix, so I can say

0:22:58.300 --> 0:23:01.740
<v Speaker 3>his name. But he said, with his two girls, he goes,

0:23:01.960 --> 0:23:05.820
<v Speaker 3>you never understand that the little silence you get once

0:23:05.859 --> 0:23:08.830
<v Speaker 3>you close the doors and you have that little walk

0:23:08.900 --> 0:23:11.390
<v Speaker 3>back to your own door. In the car?

0:23:11.510 --> 0:23:12.109
<v Speaker 1>It's so good.

0:23:12.150 --> 0:23:14.090
<v Speaker 2>He's like, that is my Disneyland.

0:23:14.150 --> 0:23:14.729
<v Speaker 1>I literally go.

0:23:16.630 --> 0:23:18.540
<v Speaker 1>My kids will be mom mom look at my time

0:23:18.560 --> 0:23:19.200
<v Speaker 1>like that's.

0:23:18.960 --> 0:23:20.180
<v Speaker 3>So much.

0:23:21.720 --> 0:23:23.760
<v Speaker 2>And then you gotta step back in prison.

0:23:24.540 --> 0:23:27.750
<v Speaker 1>Oh this one's sad because i relate i want to

0:23:27.810 --> 0:23:30.430
<v Speaker 1>get back with the man who treated me the worst

0:23:31.910 --> 0:23:35.230
<v Speaker 1>i don't actually love my boyfriend i'm just comfortable and

0:23:35.270 --> 0:23:38.960
<v Speaker 1>tolerating him babe we have all been there.

0:23:39.650 --> 0:23:42.410
<v Speaker 2>How old is she? That's what I want to know.

0:23:42.650 --> 0:23:44.130
<v Speaker 1>It's just stuff they want to get off their chest.

0:23:44.150 --> 0:23:46.750
<v Speaker 3>I know, but I want her to not do that.

0:23:46.770 --> 0:23:50.129
<v Speaker 3>I feel like she's a gem and could find somebody.

0:23:50.150 --> 0:23:51.170
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you should leave him.

0:23:51.570 --> 0:23:51.830
<v Speaker 2>Yes.

0:23:53.109 --> 0:23:54.650
<v Speaker 3>There's good men out there.

0:23:55.130 --> 0:23:56.950
<v Speaker 1>What's going to happen is something's going to happen to

0:23:56.990 --> 0:24:00.170
<v Speaker 1>push you out of the nest to get uncomfortable. I

0:24:00.930 --> 0:24:04.790
<v Speaker 1>got caught giving head in a church basement by the priest.

0:24:05.850 --> 0:24:06.730
<v Speaker 1>How fun for you.

0:24:06.850 --> 0:24:07.389
<v Speaker 3>Well, duh.

0:24:07.430 --> 0:24:09.060
<v Speaker 2>The priest just had to open his eyes.

0:24:09.980 --> 0:24:10.600
<v Speaker 1>What do you mean?

0:24:10.619 --> 0:24:17.020
<v Speaker 3>He was the one. The priest was getting the blowjob, guys.

0:24:17.040 --> 0:24:21.619
<v Speaker 1>That was good. This is when I'm like, oh, you

0:24:21.660 --> 0:24:24.070
<v Speaker 1>got that sense. You got your quick wit from dad.

0:24:24.090 --> 0:24:26.210
<v Speaker 3>Dad, yeah. No, dad, I mean, yeah. You should have

0:24:26.230 --> 0:24:28.250
<v Speaker 3>seen him drinking his wine on the patio.

0:24:29.670 --> 0:24:32.570
<v Speaker 1>I started a GLP and everyone thinks I've been hitting

0:24:32.609 --> 0:24:35.910
<v Speaker 1>the gym. No one needs to know. Again, you should

0:24:35.930 --> 0:24:38.459
<v Speaker 1>only tell people if you want to. But if you

0:24:38.500 --> 0:24:42.020
<v Speaker 1>look that good, you should give people your secret. I'm

0:24:42.040 --> 0:24:44.640
<v Speaker 1>getting a facelift and hope my friends barf with envy.

0:24:44.660 --> 0:24:52.550
<v Speaker 3>Oh, my God. The real girl.

0:24:53.070 --> 0:24:56.550
<v Speaker 1>I slept with Santa Fall. With Santa Fall. Santa Fall.

0:24:56.570 --> 0:24:57.530
<v Speaker 3>Why don't you say that?

0:24:57.550 --> 0:24:58.950
<v Speaker 1>Vole. Vole.

0:24:58.970 --> 0:25:00.290
<v Speaker 3>Santa Fall.

0:25:00.609 --> 0:25:04.470
<v Speaker 1>Before Vanderpump existed and before I got sober, we were

0:25:04.530 --> 0:25:05.330
<v Speaker 1>both cheating.

0:25:06.410 --> 0:25:07.340
<v Speaker 3>Who was he cheating on?

0:25:08.840 --> 0:25:10.920
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. We have the receipts.

0:25:12.220 --> 0:25:15.680
<v Speaker 2>Was he cheating on Ariana before the... He was?

0:25:15.700 --> 0:25:20.070
<v Speaker 1>Well, it says before Vanderpump existed. No, it was probably Kristen.

0:25:23.670 --> 0:25:26.390
<v Speaker 2>Once a cheater, always a cheater.

0:25:26.410 --> 0:25:33.510
<v Speaker 3>Is that true, though? Once a cheater, always a cheater?

0:25:33.550 --> 0:25:34.330
<v Speaker 1>I think a little bit.

0:25:34.869 --> 0:25:36.490
<v Speaker 3>I don't know. I think... As.

0:25:36.609 --> 0:25:40.859
<v Speaker 1>Lisa Vanderpump would say, a leopard never changes its spots.

0:25:42.300 --> 0:25:43.600
<v Speaker 3>Unless it gets violated.

0:25:45.190 --> 0:25:47.390
<v Speaker 1>I think once you get sober, that's just the cure.

0:25:47.490 --> 0:25:48.090
<v Speaker 2>The cure.

0:25:48.130 --> 0:25:51.650
<v Speaker 3>The sober is changing your spot. Cause then you're like,

0:25:51.770 --> 0:25:53.989
<v Speaker 3>I wasn't even a fucking leopard. I've been a.

0:25:53.970 --> 0:25:57.139
<v Speaker 1>Zebra this whole fucking time. You guys, thank you for

0:25:57.180 --> 0:26:02.980
<v Speaker 1>listening to a very unhinged episode, bonus episode of untraditionally Lala.

0:26:03.060 --> 0:26:04.540
<v Speaker 1>I'm going to catch you guys on Wednesday for a

0:26:04.580 --> 0:26:06.480
<v Speaker 1>regular old episode. I love you. Bye.