WEBVTT - Kelly Osbourne Comes Clean 0:00:02.400 --> 0:00:06.760 And R T T exclusive for you sober until a 0:00:06.800 --> 0:00:09.760 few weeks ago, but all fell apart. I had two 0:00:09.760 --> 0:00:12.440 glasses and then the day after that it was bottles 0:00:12.440 --> 0:00:15.920 like full bottles to yourself, the daughter of music Royalty. 0:00:16.400 --> 0:00:18.840 I was introduced to alcohol because I came from an 0:00:18.840 --> 0:00:21.800 alcoholic family, my father being the heaviest drinker I've ever 0:00:21.800 --> 0:00:25.480 seen in my life. Who followed in her famous father's footsteps. 0:00:25.960 --> 0:00:29.120 It went from Viking into Percoset, from Percoset to Harolin. 0:00:30.320 --> 0:00:33.839 Now Kelly Osbourne comes clean. I never went to work sober, 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:37.680 I never went to Dennis sob I didn't do anything 0:00:37.840 --> 0:00:41.199 so but the high price of addiction. I would have 0:00:41.280 --> 0:00:43.760 loved to be married and have children by now a 0:00:43.880 --> 0:00:47.160 red table wake up call not to be missed. What 0:00:47.240 --> 0:00:55.639 was the moment when you realize, like, oh damn, this 0:00:55.720 --> 0:01:01.120 is so cool. Oh I love hearing your guys as 0:01:01.160 --> 0:01:08.120 little tiny feet. You got a little feet too, a 0:01:08.160 --> 0:01:10.800 little feet for your size. I do, I do. You're 0:01:10.800 --> 0:01:13.120 actually right and you have really little feet. Will for 0:01:13.160 --> 0:01:15.840 me to be this tall? You got tiny tiny thing. 0:01:16.360 --> 0:01:19.920 It is a good thing. That's actually a blessing big time. 0:01:21.280 --> 0:01:23.640 He's going to be a crazy today is a. It's 0:01:23.640 --> 0:01:25.679 a deep one. This is a deep one. We all 0:01:25.720 --> 0:01:30.840 have a whoa. We have a lot of tic But 0:01:30.920 --> 0:01:33.560 this will be really good for me because when I 0:01:33.600 --> 0:01:35.760 was a teenager, Gamen wanted me to go to alan 0:01:35.880 --> 0:01:40.760 On and I went once. So this will be a 0:01:40.760 --> 0:01:42.760 good one for me, just to kind of smooth out 0:01:42.840 --> 0:01:45.800 some of my might be cathartic for you. I think 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:51.040 it will be. Millions watched Kelly Osborne grow up as 0:01:51.080 --> 0:01:55.320 the spirited teenage daughter on her family's iconic, award winning 0:01:55.320 --> 0:02:00.080 reality show The Osbourne's, led by music legend Ozzy and 0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:07.000 his manager wife Sharon Shuck, was the most watched series 0:02:07.120 --> 0:02:11.640 ever on MTV. My connection to the Osbournes was created 0:02:11.639 --> 0:02:14.680 through my heavy metal music journey. They supported my band, 0:02:14.720 --> 0:02:18.600 Wicked Wisdom. Sharon open doors for us by inviting us 0:02:18.680 --> 0:02:23.960 on oz Fest, our first metal tour. When Kelly, their 0:02:24.040 --> 0:02:28.080 popular middle child, made this recent brave public confession about 0:02:28.080 --> 0:02:31.480 her traumatic battle with addiction. This is a little hard 0:02:31.560 --> 0:02:37.160 for me to talk about, but I relapsed, not proud 0:02:37.160 --> 0:02:39.960 of it. We invited her to the table to share 0:02:39.960 --> 0:02:47.359 her very personal story. You have no idea how excited 0:02:47.400 --> 0:02:55.080 I am welcome you get to see to the table 0:02:56.800 --> 0:03:07.760 when I'm loving this makeup today, thank you, the whole outfit. 0:03:08.200 --> 0:03:10.160 I couldn't see last next. I was so excited about 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:16.080 doing this. Yes, yes, walk us through like what happened. 0:03:16.400 --> 0:03:19.960 There's so much like irony in this last relapse for 0:03:20.000 --> 0:03:22.920 me because I made it all the way through the pandemic. 0:03:23.320 --> 0:03:25.919 I made it all the way through, and you had 0:03:26.000 --> 0:03:29.760 four years, almost four years of sobriety. So what environment 0:03:29.800 --> 0:03:34.320 were you in, Kelly when you took your first drink 0:03:34.560 --> 0:03:38.080 in your relapse? When I was alone, sitting by a 0:03:38.120 --> 0:03:41.360 pool and waiting for somebody to come have a meeting 0:03:41.400 --> 0:03:44.240 with me, and I saw this woman and her husband 0:03:44.680 --> 0:03:46.480 had a glass of champagne and it looked really nice, 0:03:46.480 --> 0:03:48.120 and I was like, oh, I can do that too. Wow. 0:03:48.560 --> 0:03:51.880 And then the next day I had two glasses, and 0:03:51.920 --> 0:03:54.280 then the day after that it was bottles, like full 0:03:54.320 --> 0:03:58.240 bottles to yourself. I've been there too. Couldn't even hold 0:03:58.280 --> 0:04:01.200 back on it for the first two is I could 0:04:01.280 --> 0:04:03.760 handle just having one drink. But it was because I 0:04:03.760 --> 0:04:05.680 sat there and was like, you really having one drink 0:04:05.680 --> 0:04:07.880 and you're gonna prove everyone that you're normal now and 0:04:07.920 --> 0:04:10.600 you can do this, and all of a sudden everything's 0:04:10.600 --> 0:04:32.680 falling apart. What was the moment when you realize, like, 0:04:32.880 --> 0:04:38.400 oh damn. I was at my boyfriend's house and I 0:04:38.520 --> 0:04:43.120 was faced on his couch eating pizza, and he looked 0:04:43.160 --> 0:04:46.720 over at me, and I felt the way he looked 0:04:46.760 --> 0:04:49.520 at me, and I was like, oh no, I never 0:04:49.520 --> 0:04:51.799 want him to look at me like that again. Ever, 0:04:52.279 --> 0:04:55.000 Like that didn't make me feel good? What am I doing? 0:04:55.200 --> 0:04:57.000 But he knew you had been drinking, and he never 0:04:57.040 --> 0:04:59.800 said anything to you about I'm like a closet drink 0:04:59.880 --> 0:05:05.040 I don't like to drink with people or two like dark. 0:05:06.640 --> 0:05:10.400 How did your boyfriend react? He was disappointed because he 0:05:10.400 --> 0:05:13.080 hadn't seen that side of me, so to suddenly were like, well, 0:05:13.320 --> 0:05:15.520 this is the side never wanted to see. You've seen it. 0:05:15.839 --> 0:05:20.600 Let's hope you never meet her again. It was embarrassing 0:05:20.640 --> 0:05:24.920 because for the first time ever, I actually care how 0:05:24.960 --> 0:05:30.160 he feels, and I care how my behavior impacts him. 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:32.120 I only want to be the best version of myself 0:05:32.320 --> 0:05:36.040 my family and my boyfriend and my friends. And I 0:05:36.120 --> 0:05:39.760 was not. I was the furthest thing away from that. Yeah, 0:05:40.680 --> 0:05:45.120 and it happened like that. I've never had a boyfriend 0:05:45.160 --> 0:05:48.240 who's supportive of me in that area before, and he 0:05:48.480 --> 0:05:51.720 is very communicative and incredible in that way, so it's 0:05:51.760 --> 0:05:54.120 really nice. That's beautiful, and my parents like him. So 0:05:54.200 --> 0:06:01.160 that's also. Your substance of choice was alcohol. That is 0:06:01.200 --> 0:06:03.800 always my substance of choice. My drug of choice is 0:06:03.839 --> 0:06:08.160 our alcohol. I love it and I don't love it 0:06:08.240 --> 0:06:10.960 because I like the way it makes me feel. I 0:06:11.040 --> 0:06:13.960 like that it makes me not feel. Yeah, I know 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:16.960 about that one. I want to be numb to everything. 0:06:17.120 --> 0:06:19.200 And at first I was like, oh, I'm fixed, because 0:06:19.240 --> 0:06:20.760 I don't actually want to be numb right now. I 0:06:20.800 --> 0:06:24.159 just want to celebrate because I'm because I'm doing amazing 0:06:24.279 --> 0:06:26.159 and I can drink like a normal person. I have 0:06:26.160 --> 0:06:28.960 an amazing boyfriend. I made it through the pandemic. I 0:06:29.000 --> 0:06:33.560 think I'm fixed. Oh wow, okay, what's not fixed? A little? 0:06:33.600 --> 0:06:35.720 Do I know that you're just being a full blown psycho. 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:39.200 It feels a little bit like wishful thinking, like like 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:42.479 I definitely feel like I've I've felt that before in 0:06:42.480 --> 0:06:44.839 my life, where it's like why am I different? Like 0:06:45.720 --> 0:06:51.400 people do have it because it turns into bottles. The 0:06:51.440 --> 0:06:53.800 worst thing I can do is be in a room 0:06:53.839 --> 0:06:57.520 alone with myself because that's when I'm like, Okay, what 0:06:57.600 --> 0:07:00.400 can I do? I normally do when I'm bored, I 0:07:00.440 --> 0:07:02.920 would drink. I sit there and I go through things 0:07:03.120 --> 0:07:06.200 over and over and over in my head. And the 0:07:06.200 --> 0:07:10.040 biggest turning point for me was I stopped living in 0:07:10.080 --> 0:07:13.720 God's will. I was living in my will, my will, 0:07:14.440 --> 0:07:16.600 and that was when I was like, I let go 0:07:16.800 --> 0:07:21.679 of my tools what I used to to stay clean 0:07:21.720 --> 0:07:24.120 every single day, because it's a battle for me every 0:07:24.120 --> 0:07:28.320 single day, never ever going to get easy. I have 0:07:28.640 --> 0:07:31.200 to hold myself accountable for every single thing I do. 0:07:31.280 --> 0:07:33.680 And I think that's why it was so important to 0:07:33.720 --> 0:07:37.120 me that I just came right out and said it. 0:07:37.560 --> 0:07:40.000 I just wanted to tell you guys the truth, because 0:07:40.040 --> 0:07:42.880 I never ever want like to you. I didn't even 0:07:43.000 --> 0:07:46.160 tell my family yet. I just did it, and then 0:07:46.200 --> 0:07:48.000 I got all the phone calls because I knew that 0:07:48.080 --> 0:07:50.800 if I didn't, I could have flown under the radar 0:07:50.960 --> 0:07:52.840 for a long time like that and no one would 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:55.400 have known, and I just would have spent the last 0:07:55.480 --> 0:07:57.920 four years building a life that I just destroyed in 0:07:58.000 --> 0:08:00.640 one drink. Mom, what would you say that it got 0:08:02.320 --> 0:08:05.200 I won't say easy, but you you have more ease 0:08:06.040 --> 0:08:10.560 with your recovery. How many years definitely past five years, 0:08:10.720 --> 0:08:15.240 maybe maybe into ten years that you were just like 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:21.560 just because the issue is not at some point in time, 0:08:21.600 --> 0:08:25.960 the issue is not the drugs, it's you or the alcohol. Yes, yeah, 0:08:26.160 --> 0:08:30.239 it's always been me. It's always been ways you. How 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:34.640 did your relationship with alcohol begin. I was introduced to 0:08:34.800 --> 0:08:37.520 alcohol because I came from an alcoholic family. So I 0:08:37.559 --> 0:08:41.520 grew up with my father being a extremely if not 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:44.040 probably the heaviest drink I've ever seen in my life. 0:08:44.760 --> 0:08:47.560 I'm trying to think of the best way to put this, 0:08:48.480 --> 0:08:51.600 so that the alcohol was there. I moved to America, 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:55.240 I was the king, and I was so foreign. I 0:08:55.440 --> 0:09:00.320 couldn't be more foreign, very English most of and people 0:09:00.320 --> 0:09:03.280 didn't understand what I was saying. My parents put me 0:09:03.320 --> 0:09:07.240 in my first American school, and I just felt by 0:09:07.280 --> 0:09:09.000 the wayside. And I've never been to a school like 0:09:09.040 --> 0:09:12.319 that before. I'd always gone to all girls schools. And 0:09:12.360 --> 0:09:15.600 then it was just night and day different. On my 0:09:15.640 --> 0:09:18.000 first day of school, a kid said to me, my 0:09:18.080 --> 0:09:20.240 daddy's a lawyer and he makes three million dollars a year, 0:09:20.320 --> 0:09:22.199 and he's going to buy me a BMW for my 0:09:22.280 --> 0:09:24.480 first car, What are you going to get? And I 0:09:24.520 --> 0:09:28.840 went excuse me. I just was like, oh my god, 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:31.079 I've woken up and I'm in the movie Clueless. I 0:09:31.120 --> 0:09:34.000 didn't really fit in any work, so I got really, 0:09:34.000 --> 0:09:47.000 really insecure. I still had those glass I then kept 0:09:47.000 --> 0:09:50.600 getting sick and I had a really bad case of tonsilitis. 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:52.959 They ended up having to give me some crazy surgery 0:09:53.160 --> 0:09:56.800 and then after that they gave me Vikdin and that 0:09:57.280 --> 0:10:01.200 was all I needed And are you killing me right now? 0:10:01.640 --> 0:10:04.560 I went from having every voice in my head being like, 0:10:05.040 --> 0:10:07.559 you're fat, you're ugly, You're not good enough, no one 0:10:07.640 --> 0:10:10.800 likes you, you don't deserve this people, and because your 0:10:10.880 --> 0:10:14.000 parents are and then all of a sudden, every single 0:10:14.120 --> 0:10:17.120 voice was silenced and it felt like life gave me 0:10:17.160 --> 0:10:19.959 a hug. So how old were you when you get you? 0:10:20.280 --> 0:10:23.600 And then we'll do that rike it into a thirty 0:10:23.720 --> 0:10:26.360 year I cannot believe that. I was like, why am 0:10:26.360 --> 0:10:30.839 I so confident in all of this? Yeah? And then 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:34.839 very quickly it went from Viking into Percocet, from Percocet 0:10:34.880 --> 0:10:39.200 to um Heroine. Eventually, because it was cheaper, I got 0:10:39.200 --> 0:10:42.040 caught buying it, and then the very next day, my 0:10:42.080 --> 0:10:43.760 mom put me in rehab. I was like, this is 0:10:43.760 --> 0:10:45.320 just vacation without a bar. I'm gonna get out and 0:10:45.320 --> 0:10:47.040 do exactly what I want to do when I leave here, 0:10:47.480 --> 0:10:50.520 because I was not ready to lose my safety blanket. 0:10:51.240 --> 0:10:53.440 How old were you when you were in rehab? The 0:10:53.480 --> 0:10:56.640 first time I went to rehab, I was nineteen, and 0:10:56.760 --> 0:10:59.400 I've been going in and out of those places ever since. 0:11:00.120 --> 0:11:03.800 Do you feel as though there was any parts of 0:11:03.880 --> 0:11:08.800 your addiction that might have robbed you of life experiences 0:11:08.840 --> 0:11:11.560 in any way? I feel very behind as a woman. 0:11:12.679 --> 0:11:15.360 I would have loved to be married and have children 0:11:15.360 --> 0:11:18.480 by now. My brother has three daughters, and I would 0:11:18.480 --> 0:11:20.720 have loved to have had a few kids by now, 0:11:21.160 --> 0:11:23.720 but that wasn't what was in the card to me. Yes, right, 0:11:24.040 --> 0:11:26.920 And I would have been no kind of mother at 0:11:26.920 --> 0:11:29.840 all because I was like that crazy addict that was like, oh, yeah, 0:11:29.840 --> 0:11:31.400 I'll just stop doing drugs and I get pregnant cause 0:11:31.400 --> 0:11:33.960 I'll have to. That's insane that I would ever even 0:11:33.960 --> 0:11:37.959 think that. Not normal to now really getting to the 0:11:38.000 --> 0:11:41.400 bottom of everything and allowing myself to be vulnerable, which 0:11:41.440 --> 0:11:46.079 is very hard for me because my natural instinct is 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:49.560 just to tell everyone off. But that doesn't do me 0:11:49.760 --> 0:11:54.960 or anyone any favors ever with you on that one. 0:11:55.440 --> 0:11:59.480 Your dad struggled with alcoholism, and have you guys been 0:11:59.520 --> 0:12:03.200 able to connect in any way. I've always been a 0:12:03.280 --> 0:12:06.839 daddy's girl. I go to my dad for everything. First 0:12:06.840 --> 0:12:10.000 phone call every day is from my dad every day. 0:12:10.240 --> 0:12:12.439 So it's really awesome that we get to have that. 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:15.640 And it's weird we've turned something so ugly into something 0:12:15.640 --> 0:12:18.720 that's actually really beautiful. Me and my brother and my 0:12:18.840 --> 0:12:22.880 dad all bond with each other over because Jack is recovery, 0:12:23.160 --> 0:12:29.320 he's hand Seriously, I always say to him, I know 0:12:29.360 --> 0:12:32.199 it's sort of competition, but I am so jealous of 0:12:32.240 --> 0:12:35.520 the way that he has been able to handle his 0:12:35.600 --> 0:12:40.840 recovery because he's so matter of fact. I am not right, 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:47.920 I am not I make everything more difficult. He's got 0:12:48.040 --> 0:12:54.360 all girls. Wow. So that's Pearl in the USA shirt, 0:12:54.559 --> 0:12:59.000 Minnie who he's wearing in the bumbalina, and he is 0:12:59.040 --> 0:13:02.240 the mermaid. That's so sweet and funny. I love them 0:13:02.240 --> 0:13:05.240 all so much. It's really interesting how my brother's three 0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:08.800 children kind of parallel us. Calls a lot like Amy, 0:13:08.840 --> 0:13:10.640 and he's a lot like me. And Minnie's a lot 0:13:10.679 --> 0:13:15.800 like Jack. Did Jack have any specific words of wisdom 0:13:15.840 --> 0:13:19.199 when it came to this relapse. I think for Jack 0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:22.959 he was crucial in me just you've got to get 0:13:23.000 --> 0:13:26.520 honest with someone. Yeah, one person, It doesn't matter who 0:13:26.600 --> 0:13:28.880 it is, as long as you're honest with one person. 0:13:29.440 --> 0:13:32.320 And my brother is that person to me. So I 0:13:32.360 --> 0:13:34.960 told him everything, and him and I put together a 0:13:35.000 --> 0:13:38.720 plan to get myself feeling strong and supported. And that's 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:42.040 honestly one of the most important parts. It's like to 0:13:42.160 --> 0:13:46.080 just be able to just like you said, that one person, 0:13:46.320 --> 0:13:50.480 that one person that you can just open up to 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:53.840 tell the truth too. And my problem has never been 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:57.880 not telling the truth. I tell too much truth. If anything, 0:13:58.240 --> 0:14:00.640 you will never ever ever be able to have a 0:14:00.679 --> 0:14:03.520 conversation where somebody truly understands you if you're not talking 0:14:03.559 --> 0:14:06.600 to another alcoholic, because they will never understand it, they 0:14:06.640 --> 0:14:08.720 will never get it. And that's why for me, the 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:12.600 fellowship and being a part of the community and having 0:14:12.600 --> 0:14:15.600 that ripped away from me during the pandemic was such 0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:18.920 a shell shop for me. Everything that I had taught 0:14:18.960 --> 0:14:21.600 myself on how to live and rebuild my life was gone. 0:14:21.800 --> 0:14:26.640 But it also became the excuse I needed, right, So, wow, 0:14:27.240 --> 0:14:31.840 it's asking for help, that's the part. Yeah, that's the part. 0:14:32.000 --> 0:14:33.960 We can use the kids. I get through that shame 0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:38.560 spiral of am I good enough for help? Help? Yeah? 0:14:38.760 --> 0:14:42.520 I've done this again and this is all my fault again. Right, Well, 0:14:42.680 --> 0:14:45.560 someone loved me through my flaws. Somebody loved me when 0:14:45.600 --> 0:14:49.240 I'm down. But that's what happened until you do. Yeah, 0:14:49.400 --> 0:14:52.440 that's what happened to you. Do you gotta It has 0:14:52.480 --> 0:14:56.880 to start with you. I remember, in seeking my own honesty, 0:14:57.200 --> 0:14:59.840 recognizing that a lot of times I really didn't even 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:05.600 know what was the truth for myself. Yeah, that's that's 0:15:05.600 --> 0:15:09.160 the one. I actually don't know what's real and what's 0:15:09.160 --> 0:15:12.400 not anyway, I don't know. I don't know if I 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:15.160 actually really like those things or if I've been pretending 0:15:15.160 --> 0:15:17.600 to like them because I'm placating you. Yeah, not one 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:20.680 of my problems as people pleasing. Yeah, and I'll just 0:15:20.720 --> 0:15:25.400 say yes to everything. On top of the addictions that 0:15:25.440 --> 0:15:32.480 you've had, you also have codependency issues. Yeah, I give 0:15:32.520 --> 0:15:36.160 become addicted to anything and become a codependent with anything. Yeah, 0:15:36.360 --> 0:15:38.760 I'm a fixer for my friends. If I see somebody 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:41.240 that's suffering, I go in and I help. Before I 0:15:41.240 --> 0:15:47.080 know it, I always myself and I've left nothing for me. Yeah, 0:15:47.280 --> 0:15:51.920 and then we end up being ain't getting all distracted 0:15:51.920 --> 0:15:56.680 and thinking you actually helping somebody, You really ain't helping nobody. 0:15:58.760 --> 0:16:01.360 You want help some mind when you messed up, messed 0:16:01.440 --> 0:16:05.840 up back there and get you together about that. And 0:16:05.880 --> 0:16:09.920 then now I'm learning the power of no, which makes 0:16:09.920 --> 0:16:15.120 me feel like a bit. You're just like, but it's 0:16:15.160 --> 0:16:19.040 that boundary setting, you know, the human mind. Man. Like 0:16:19.080 --> 0:16:22.760 I'm just sitting here like something minute, I'm like, yo, Like, 0:16:22.960 --> 0:16:25.760 there's this lyric that has it's just been going through 0:16:25.760 --> 0:16:27.920 my mind as we're talking about this. Um it's actually 0:16:27.920 --> 0:16:30.000 a kid cutting lyric that goes nothing can keep me 0:16:30.080 --> 0:16:32.480 from peace but me, and that's the truth. And I 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:36.480 was like, Yo, it's the truth. Anything that's wrong in 0:16:36.480 --> 0:16:39.840 my life, it's me. Yes, every single time, it's not 0:16:40.480 --> 0:16:42.720 because someone else did something to me. That's right. I 0:16:42.760 --> 0:16:46.480 didn't get the job that I wanted. No, No, it's you. 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:51.480 It's you. And I've also learned that it's okay to 0:16:51.560 --> 0:16:54.840 be uncomfortable. Yeah, do you feel like you have a 0:16:54.880 --> 0:17:00.000 really solid support system? In your now. I went back 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:03.360 to outpatient because I need a new support group because 0:17:03.440 --> 0:17:13.080 unfortunately of my women's group relapse during the pandemic. Yes 0:17:14.480 --> 0:17:18.040 where most of those women fairly early in different One 0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:19.840 of them is like twenty four years now, the one 0:17:19.840 --> 0:17:24.160 is sixteen years. One was a year wow. And it's 0:17:24.200 --> 0:17:28.040 the isolation to its isolation is change. I don't do 0:17:28.119 --> 0:17:32.400 well with change. I'm a creature of habit. I eat 0:17:32.440 --> 0:17:34.640 the same thing every single day. I have the same 0:17:34.720 --> 0:17:37.920 routine every single day. And I think that's part of 0:17:38.000 --> 0:17:42.800 my alcoholism is I learned to survive by putting a 0:17:42.840 --> 0:17:46.520 schedule in place. I do good with boundaries. Yeah, I 0:17:46.560 --> 0:17:51.160 had to have a specific routine. People needed to know 0:17:51.359 --> 0:17:54.959 where I was. Even the other day, I woke up. 0:17:54.960 --> 0:17:57.760 We weren't working that day, and I kind of woke 0:17:57.880 --> 0:18:05.000 up like, like what am I doing today? What am 0:18:05.040 --> 0:18:07.720 I doing today? Like I can't have too much time. 0:18:07.840 --> 0:18:10.920 I feel out of sorts. Isn't it so strange that 0:18:11.240 --> 0:18:14.920 my best thinking wants me to be drunk and alone 0:18:15.040 --> 0:18:18.919 in a room by myself. That's like where my addict 0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:24.080 is most comfortable. That's the nature of how deceitful addiction is. 0:18:24.160 --> 0:18:27.600 Because you can really walk around believing that right. I 0:18:27.600 --> 0:18:29.000 believe that you have to be in treatment for the 0:18:29.040 --> 0:18:32.720 rest of your life. Yes, and I'm speaking from my experience. 0:18:33.000 --> 0:18:35.600 First year of sobriety is the most difficult year for 0:18:35.760 --> 0:18:40.760 anybody's life because it's almost like you get reborn but 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:43.800 with zero skills. When I first got sober, I didn't 0:18:43.840 --> 0:18:46.720 feel like I deserved to be in any room that 0:18:46.760 --> 0:18:48.400 I was in. And then I'd gained so much weight, 0:18:48.440 --> 0:18:50.000 so I thought that everyone was just looking at me, 0:18:50.040 --> 0:18:52.720 like she's fat and disgusting, and like people are taking 0:18:52.760 --> 0:18:55.159 pictures of me and I could see them, look how 0:18:55.200 --> 0:18:57.800 fat Kelly os One is now. So it's like you 0:18:57.840 --> 0:19:01.080 have to get in touch with one abilities and things 0:19:01.119 --> 0:19:03.800 that trigger you. Like I never went to work sober, 0:19:04.320 --> 0:19:08.320 I never went to dinner sober. I didn't do anything 0:19:08.680 --> 0:19:12.560 like nothing sober, so to do things for the first 0:19:12.600 --> 0:19:15.800 time again, that was really scary. My first year of 0:19:15.800 --> 0:19:17.920 sobriety was all about fixing the mind. So I did 0:19:18.840 --> 0:19:21.919 two full years of therapy every single day. When you 0:19:21.960 --> 0:19:25.520 talk about fixing the mind, what aspect of your mind 0:19:25.560 --> 0:19:27.800 were you trying to fix? All of it? All of 0:19:27.800 --> 0:19:32.720 it emotional trauma? How I internalize them, and then regurgitate them. 0:19:33.080 --> 0:19:36.880 I can fall into like self victimization real quick. Most 0:19:36.960 --> 0:19:41.240 addicts do that. We become the vic quality that I 0:19:41.320 --> 0:19:45.240 don't like having. For me, it was just about happiness. 0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:47.119 I didn't know if I wanted to come back and 0:19:47.160 --> 0:19:49.560 work in Hollywood anymore. I had been working on TV 0:19:50.040 --> 0:19:52.560 since I was fourteen, and so I took two years off, 0:19:53.200 --> 0:19:56.919 did the therapy, figured out that I really wanted to 0:19:56.960 --> 0:19:59.920 be sober. I really want the life that I've worked 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:02.320 for and the opportunities that I've been given, and I 0:20:02.320 --> 0:20:04.840 don't want to take another day for granted. And this 0:20:04.920 --> 0:20:08.040 program has taught me to be such a better person 0:20:08.040 --> 0:20:13.240 than I was, and skills and patience and acceptance and 0:20:13.320 --> 0:20:15.879 surrender with something that was really hard for me. And 0:20:15.960 --> 0:20:19.080 that's you know, and so I'm important to understand that 0:20:19.160 --> 0:20:23.639 it's so much more than just not using. Yeah, that's 0:20:23.800 --> 0:20:27.880 so much. Do you recovery still full for the shame 0:20:27.960 --> 0:20:30.879 spirals where the smallest thing can put you in a 0:20:30.920 --> 0:20:32.919 shame spiral and then all of a sudden, you're like, 0:20:33.640 --> 0:20:38.000 my biggest thing is that? Definitely like just feeling like 0:20:38.119 --> 0:20:42.080 not worthy, Yeah, I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough. 0:20:42.119 --> 0:20:44.119 I don't have anything to say. I don't have anything 0:20:44.160 --> 0:20:46.600 to offer. Like, even if I'm at a meeting, it's 0:20:46.760 --> 0:20:49.960 very rare that you'll hear me say anything because I 0:20:50.000 --> 0:20:52.199 always feel like I don't have anything to share, I 0:20:52.200 --> 0:20:55.320 don't have anything to add. I feel like I've seen 0:20:55.520 --> 0:20:58.800 what you're talking about, that shame spiral when you talk 0:20:58.840 --> 0:21:02.840 about moms childhood. Oh my god, and like I feel 0:21:02.880 --> 0:21:04.800 that in you a lot. And we're always trying to 0:21:04.920 --> 0:21:07.320 I mean, we're always trying to tell you that. It's like, 0:21:07.880 --> 0:21:12.080 I mean, you created, she has, she's gotten better. So 0:21:12.119 --> 0:21:16.320 I'm again, you gotten better with that you give because 0:21:16.320 --> 0:21:19.200 you don't go into it like you used to. Yeah, 0:21:19.240 --> 0:21:22.199 because I used to be like damn gam like yeah, no, 0:21:22.359 --> 0:21:24.919 she she's gotten better. So I let her have whatever 0:21:25.000 --> 0:21:27.760 little moment she has, because it's only a moment instead 0:21:27.760 --> 0:21:31.520 of like hours or days. The first five years of 0:21:31.560 --> 0:21:35.760 my recovery, at least, I would be whining in the 0:21:35.800 --> 0:21:39.200 meetings about all the guilt that I was carrying about, 0:21:39.920 --> 0:21:42.320 you know, being such a terrible mother, to the point 0:21:42.320 --> 0:21:46.840 where people were like, Adrian, what else is going on 0:21:46.960 --> 0:21:52.159 with Alright? Already I've started doing breathwork now, and I 0:21:52.240 --> 0:21:55.520 was like, this is bs, It's not gonna work. I've 0:21:55.560 --> 0:22:01.280 realized that since from thirteen now, I've been holding your breath. 0:22:01.960 --> 0:22:05.119 I've been holding my breath and walking around like waiting 0:22:05.119 --> 0:22:07.600 for the next bomb to drop. One of the exercises 0:22:07.600 --> 0:22:10.399 that I've been doing it is really simple, and I 0:22:10.400 --> 0:22:13.959 implore everybody to do this. So you get three words, 0:22:14.240 --> 0:22:18.640 so three positive words and three negative words, so it'll 0:22:18.680 --> 0:22:25.920 be breathe in love, breathe out negativity. Within ten minutes, 0:22:26.200 --> 0:22:30.720 I was hysterically crying out of nowhere, couldn't come back 0:22:30.800 --> 0:22:33.840 from it. And then within forty five minutes, I felt 0:22:33.880 --> 0:22:37.040 like I had an outer body experience and for the 0:22:37.080 --> 0:22:40.800 first time in my life, I was breathing. Wow, like 0:22:40.840 --> 0:22:42.560 you go through breathing, but you don't realize that you 0:22:42.600 --> 0:22:44.080 have to learn how to walk. You have to learn 0:22:44.080 --> 0:22:47.680 how to breathe properly, because we walk around like we're 0:22:47.720 --> 0:22:50.959 just bracing the all time. All time, I was bracing 0:22:50.960 --> 0:22:56.280 for the next hit. So I'm breathing now good for you, 0:22:56.520 --> 0:22:58.080 And I'm turning into a hippie and I don't know 0:22:58.080 --> 0:23:07.720 how I feel about it. Join we now that I 0:23:07.800 --> 0:23:10.159 know that you're into that stuff. If there's ever like 0:23:10.160 --> 0:23:13.080 like a sound bath event or like a meditation or 0:23:13.080 --> 0:23:18.600 a chanting thing. I'll let you know about, Like you're 0:23:18.600 --> 0:23:22.480 gonna be hugging trees before you know. There are scientific 0:23:22.480 --> 0:23:25.440 studies that hugging trees actually low is your blood low 0:23:25.520 --> 0:23:29.760 is your blood pressure. Here we go there we got 0:23:30.480 --> 0:23:33.800 so Kelly. They say that you lost eighty five pounds. 0:23:35.280 --> 0:23:40.680 I did a surgery, the gastrix sleeve, and it's the 0:23:40.720 --> 0:23:43.159 best thing I've ever done. Got it. It kind of 0:23:43.240 --> 0:23:47.359 retrained my relationship with food. I don't look at it 0:23:48.200 --> 0:23:50.879 that I used to comfort myself where I use it 0:23:50.920 --> 0:23:54.919 as fuel and something that's the reward. Yeah, Like I 0:23:54.960 --> 0:23:57.520 can become addicted to drugs, I can become addicted to food. 0:23:58.520 --> 0:24:00.680 So to not have to have that of session has 0:24:00.720 --> 0:24:06.080 been the best gift I've ever given myself outside of sobriety. Beautiful. 0:24:06.160 --> 0:24:09.000 That's amazing. I like my body now. I like what 0:24:09.040 --> 0:24:11.880 I'm turning into and discovering new things that I thought 0:24:11.920 --> 0:24:15.080 I'd never be able to do, and I'm doing it 0:24:15.119 --> 0:24:18.359 and it's great. That's the gift of giving yourself a chance. 0:24:18.920 --> 0:24:22.880 A lot of times when you're addicted to alcohol and drugs, 0:24:22.960 --> 0:24:25.760 there's some other addictions going on in there, because you 0:24:25.840 --> 0:24:28.439 just have an addictive personality. I think everybody is an 0:24:28.440 --> 0:24:31.919 addict in different ways. Some of the therapy and some 0:24:32.000 --> 0:24:34.919 of the healing and recovering that I've had to do, 0:24:35.000 --> 0:24:40.080 and just realizing that it all stems for me personally 0:24:40.440 --> 0:24:47.720