1 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:09,000 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:17,080 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:26,960 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 5 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,720 Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is 6 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:33,520 Speaker 1: so great to have you here back for another episode, 7 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:37,440 Speaker 1: and an episode on a topic we have spoken about 8 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,240 Speaker 1: so rarely on the podcast that I almost feel a 9 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:43,080 Speaker 1: little bit guilty. I almost feel like I haven't done 10 00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:48,239 Speaker 1: my job properly. We're talking about the unique relationship we 11 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:52,520 Speaker 1: have with our siblings and how those dynamics play out 12 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:56,600 Speaker 1: in our psychological and also in our emotional worlds. The 13 00:00:56,760 --> 00:01:01,080 Speaker 1: sibling bond is like no other, just say that. But 14 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,959 Speaker 1: just because it is special doesn't mean that it's immune 15 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:07,160 Speaker 1: to the problems that I guess all close relationships have. 16 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,360 Speaker 1: There's also different levels of closeness for everyone. Right, you 17 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:13,080 Speaker 1: might be listening to this and have an amazing relationship 18 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:15,440 Speaker 1: with your siblings that you know, you might think of 19 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:18,080 Speaker 1: them as soulmates. You might be listening to this and 20 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:21,440 Speaker 1: have the complete opposite, where there it's distance and tension 21 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:25,800 Speaker 1: and disagreement. What shapes this is often very complicated and 22 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:30,600 Speaker 1: comes from a mix of personality, lifestyle, environment, but probably 23 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:35,920 Speaker 1: most importantly upbringing and parental environment. There's a very famous 24 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:39,160 Speaker 1: saying that two children can be raised in the same house, 25 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:43,120 Speaker 1: same family, and have completely different childhoods. And that's what 26 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,600 Speaker 1: I kind of want to discuss today, primarily through the 27 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:50,040 Speaker 1: lens of sibling rivalry and the competition we often have 28 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:53,920 Speaker 1: with our siblings from children to adults. As kids, you know, 29 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,520 Speaker 1: this rivalry seems kind of petty, but as we get older, 30 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,960 Speaker 1: and in our twenties especially, there's definitely a turning point 31 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,720 Speaker 1: where we start to understand some of the more nefarious 32 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:06,920 Speaker 1: things that influence how well we get along with our 33 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:12,040 Speaker 1: brothers and sisters, from parental favoritism to birth order, childhood roles, 34 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:16,639 Speaker 1: parental conflict, and so much more. So. In today's episode, 35 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,240 Speaker 1: we're going to talk about it. We're finally going to 36 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:23,920 Speaker 1: shine a light on sibling relationships, specifically sibling rivalry. Let's 37 00:02:23,919 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 1: get into it. Okay, before we get into how sibling 38 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:36,280 Speaker 1: relationships can become twisted and complicated and hard, especially as 39 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,920 Speaker 1: we get older, let's just start with the easy stuff. 40 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,560 Speaker 1: Let's start with something more light, which is why our 41 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 1: relationship with our siblings is unlike probably any other relationship 42 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:50,960 Speaker 1: you will ever have. The start is if we are 43 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:55,200 Speaker 1: lucky enough, eighty percent of us have siblings, and your 44 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:59,359 Speaker 1: siblings will probably be the longest relationship you are going 45 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,040 Speaker 1: to have in your life. They are there with you 46 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,440 Speaker 1: before you make real friends, before you meet your partners, 47 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:10,040 Speaker 1: and often again, if we're luckily enough, after you lose 48 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,040 Speaker 1: parents and other close family members. They also really think 49 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:17,680 Speaker 1: transcend beyond just a friendship, right, They're their own category. 50 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:20,840 Speaker 1: You're always going to be tied to each other, no 51 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,280 Speaker 1: matter how far you may travel, split drift and you 52 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,680 Speaker 1: know what DNA or not. Even if you're adopted, even 53 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:29,400 Speaker 1: if you have step siblings, it's the same. It's that 54 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:34,080 Speaker 1: intimate childhood environment and those experiences and the fact that 55 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:37,120 Speaker 1: you are family and that means something important to us 56 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,880 Speaker 1: as humans that never goes away, and means that your 57 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 1: relationship is always going to be part of who you are. 58 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:49,360 Speaker 1: Siblings are also often your first peers, first competitors, first companions, 59 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:54,000 Speaker 1: and your first social mirror because they're usually the people 60 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,080 Speaker 1: that are closest to us both relationally and also in age. 61 00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:01,080 Speaker 1: There's some amazing things about having siblings for some of 62 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 1: those reasons we've mentioned, and I also think fighting with 63 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 1: your siblings is also something that's kind of fun about having, 64 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,440 Speaker 1: you know, having a brother or sister. I know it 65 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:14,440 Speaker 1: gets a little bit tricky. We're going to talk about that, 66 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,520 Speaker 1: but let's firstly begin with why fighting with your siblings 67 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,680 Speaker 1: as normal for a lot of us. When we think 68 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,599 Speaker 1: about brothers and sisters, especially as we fight with them, 69 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,039 Speaker 1: we think about, you know, arguing about who gets the 70 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,200 Speaker 1: bigger room, whose turn it was to sit in the 71 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:31,279 Speaker 1: front seat, who got more attention at dinner, who always 72 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:35,640 Speaker 1: gets away with things, who doesn't. Childhood arguments are important 73 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,159 Speaker 1: because they are part of like the folklore of family 74 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,680 Speaker 1: life and sibling conflict is this really unique type of 75 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:46,120 Speaker 1: conflict where you actually sometimes benefit because you pick up 76 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: some incredible soft skills that you don't even realize you 77 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:53,360 Speaker 1: may take for granted. Child development researchers point to this 78 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:59,000 Speaker 1: incredible socializing function of sibling rivalry as why it is 79 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,839 Speaker 1: necessary life. Our siblings are some of the greatest and 80 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,840 Speaker 1: earliest teachers we will ever have. You learn so much 81 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:12,960 Speaker 1: about negotiation, retaliation, sharing, fairness, apologizing boundaries, humor, emotional regulation. 82 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:17,400 Speaker 1: The list goes on and on. Through fighting with your siblings. 83 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:21,120 Speaker 1: They're also one of the first places that children and 84 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,880 Speaker 1: we as humans experience the very human fact that love 85 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:29,760 Speaker 1: and hostility can coexist. That love is often complicated, and 86 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:33,039 Speaker 1: we often model to each other what is expected in 87 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:37,920 Speaker 1: certain scenarios as loved ones in a way that other 88 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:42,400 Speaker 1: people can't because it would be wildly inappropriate. You know. 89 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:45,920 Speaker 1: Think about it, like, your siblings are often the people 90 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 1: who correct your behavior more than your parents do, by 91 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,640 Speaker 1: getting upset at you, by retaliating, by maybe hitting you, crying, 92 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,000 Speaker 1: that important social feedback, and we allow it because we 93 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,159 Speaker 1: love them and because we have this bond. You know, 94 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:03,360 Speaker 1: another kid biding you in the playground because you annoy them. 95 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,120 Speaker 1: That is like a tetanus shot and an expulsion, but 96 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:09,520 Speaker 1: it's more okay, and it's more socially acceptable with siblings, 97 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:14,760 Speaker 1: meaning sometimes we just learn quicker through them instead of 98 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:19,280 Speaker 1: waiting for society to you know, politely correct us later on. 99 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,520 Speaker 1: There was a twenty twelve study from Feinberg and colleagues 100 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:27,599 Speaker 1: actually that looked closer into the three distinct pathways of 101 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,680 Speaker 1: influence that our siblings have on our behavior. Here is 102 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:35,080 Speaker 1: what they found. Pathway number one. They help provide a 103 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:39,240 Speaker 1: behavioral repertoire. Again, I think I've said this a couple 104 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:41,760 Speaker 1: of times now, but like the home is the training ground, 105 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,120 Speaker 1: So through daily interactions, we tend to teach each other 106 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:50,279 Speaker 1: like social skills or conversely, coercive behaviors as well. If 107 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:54,080 Speaker 1: a sibling relationship is defined by aggression and conflict, children 108 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 1: can learn that hostility is an effective way to get 109 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,599 Speaker 1: what you want, which is a habit that they may 110 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,640 Speaker 1: then carry into their school life and peer groups. But 111 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:05,000 Speaker 1: if they learn love and friendship and cooperation, they carry 112 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:08,680 Speaker 1: that as well as part of their behavioral repertoire. The 113 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:13,080 Speaker 1: second thing that sibling relationships teach us is deviancy training. 114 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,960 Speaker 1: This is like the partner in crime kind of bond. 115 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:22,160 Speaker 1: Beyond just learning general behaviors, siblings often directly model and 116 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:27,480 Speaker 1: reinforce specific activities or choices or preferences that influence how 117 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,800 Speaker 1: we express ourselves, what we wear, what we like, how 118 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:33,440 Speaker 1: we act, even risky things like substance use or delinquency 119 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,200 Speaker 1: as you get older. The paper I'm referring to notes 120 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:40,440 Speaker 1: that this is particularly potent because Unlike friends, you don't 121 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:44,800 Speaker 1: choose your siblings, making their influence unavoidable and a constant 122 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:48,360 Speaker 1: presence in your life, for good or for bad. Finally, 123 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 1: the family system, they teach you what family means. This 124 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,320 Speaker 1: is where siblings have this kind of ripple effect. Sibling 125 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,320 Speaker 1: conflict in particular doesn't just stay between the kids, but 126 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:03,440 Speaker 1: acts as a man stresser for parents, and fighting between 127 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:07,120 Speaker 1: the parents acts as a major stressor for siblings. It's 128 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:10,720 Speaker 1: also within this dynamic that you understand what is expected 129 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,160 Speaker 1: of people that claim to love you. Yes, with your parents, 130 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:17,640 Speaker 1: but also with your siblings, what it means to repair relationships, 131 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:21,760 Speaker 1: what it means to expect things from other people. So 132 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,000 Speaker 1: sibling conflict can also be very brutal. I think I'm 133 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,880 Speaker 1: speaking about the benefits, but it can get really intense, 134 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,320 Speaker 1: like physically, I have a scar on my arm from 135 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:32,560 Speaker 1: when one of my sisters scratch me over something I 136 00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:34,840 Speaker 1: don't even know what, and it gets a lot worse 137 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:38,520 Speaker 1: than that. Doctor Mark Weinberg, that same man who did 138 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:42,400 Speaker 1: that original paper we were talking about. He investigates sibling 139 00:08:42,559 --> 00:08:46,920 Speaker 1: relationships a lot at Pennsylvania State University. He's one of 140 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:51,640 Speaker 1: the leading names in this research area. And he suggests 141 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:56,200 Speaker 1: that sibling rivalry is particularly intense around the period of 142 00:08:56,320 --> 00:09:01,280 Speaker 1: early to middle childhood. This period of childhood is a 143 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,800 Speaker 1: key years for sibling aggression and conflict because not only 144 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,480 Speaker 1: do you spend so much time together during this period, 145 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:14,320 Speaker 1: but also you are lacking emotional and social regulation skills 146 00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:17,800 Speaker 1: that you need to effectively resolve conflict with other people. 147 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:21,840 Speaker 1: Meaning your relationship isn't a pressure cooker. Again, as I said, 148 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:27,720 Speaker 1: it might present itself physically. It might present itself as possessiveness, teasing, 149 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,400 Speaker 1: it might look like yeah, just like bitter thites, but 150 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 1: also copying, stealing, trying to adopt some kind of role 151 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:39,160 Speaker 1: in the family. And it's this tension in our early 152 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:42,040 Speaker 1: years as children that often gets us a designated role 153 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:48,600 Speaker 1: as the troublemaker, as the mediator, as the pushover, as 154 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:53,320 Speaker 1: the golden child, as the caretaker. Often a lot of 155 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:57,880 Speaker 1: our roles yes form through daily interactions, they also form 156 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,439 Speaker 1: through how we find with each other, how we relate 157 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,560 Speaker 1: to each other, conflict being a big part of it. 158 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:09,200 Speaker 1: Even young children have a sense of fairness, and sibling 159 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:13,559 Speaker 1: life gives them a constant stream of opportunities to compare 160 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,079 Speaker 1: and figure out who They are based on how they 161 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,040 Speaker 1: relate to their siblings, but also what parents give each person, 162 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:24,200 Speaker 1: So who gets more warmth, more attention, more freedom, more protection, 163 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:29,240 Speaker 1: more praise, maybe even more leniency or physical closeness. Part 164 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:34,240 Speaker 1: of why that also creates tension is evolutionary. The fact 165 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:37,320 Speaker 1: that our parents do not have endless amounts of time 166 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,920 Speaker 1: and attention to give us, and therefore we are slightly 167 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,840 Speaker 1: in competition with our siblings at any given time is 168 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:46,000 Speaker 1: what creates conflict. You know, when you're the only child, 169 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,760 Speaker 1: the time your parents have to give you is as 170 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,560 Speaker 1: much as they can. You're not really sharing it with 171 00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:53,560 Speaker 1: anybody else other than your other parent or rather than 172 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:56,160 Speaker 1: their job or things like that. But when there is 173 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 1: more of you, time is limited, attention is limited, emotional availability, 174 00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:05,640 Speaker 1: presence is limited. So from an evolutionary perspective, siblings are 175 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:10,200 Speaker 1: in this strange dual position. They are both family and 176 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:14,040 Speaker 1: their competitors. They benefit from each other's survival, but they're 177 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:18,880 Speaker 1: also competing, at least in part for parental investment, and 178 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,000 Speaker 1: that means that they start acting in certain ways that 179 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,280 Speaker 1: they think their parents may like more or that they 180 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:27,360 Speaker 1: think may get them ahead in the family unit and 181 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:31,160 Speaker 1: It's not that each sibling is consciously calculating resource allocations 182 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,720 Speaker 1: at all times in some mathematical way. But as children, 183 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,240 Speaker 1: like I said, we're attuned to fairness. We're a tuned 184 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,840 Speaker 1: to who is getting more, who is getting less. If 185 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,680 Speaker 1: you've been around kids recently, you know this well. It 186 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:44,959 Speaker 1: is like a constant thing that's going on in their mind. 187 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,200 Speaker 1: So that's another major theory as to why sometimes our 188 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:51,840 Speaker 1: relationship with our siblings isn't always great. Unconsciously, it comes 189 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:55,520 Speaker 1: from this conflict over parental love and resources that starts 190 00:11:55,600 --> 00:12:00,240 Speaker 1: as kids but transforms as adults. I also just think that, like, 191 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 1: it's not always about wanting what the other sibling has. 192 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:09,920 Speaker 1: It's also simply like, sometimes we have conflict with our 193 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,560 Speaker 1: siblings because we just don't want to disappear, and we 194 00:12:12,679 --> 00:12:15,680 Speaker 1: act out in relation to our siblings because we want 195 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 1: to have this distinct identity, right And as adults we 196 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,800 Speaker 1: know that like starting fights with our siblings acting out 197 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,240 Speaker 1: like is annoying and probably wrong. But as children, like 198 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,920 Speaker 1: you just want to feel noticed, You just want to 199 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,679 Speaker 1: feel seen. And there's also just the fact that you 200 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:35,280 Speaker 1: guys are different people. People fight with their siblings because 201 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:40,479 Speaker 1: You're not the same person. You do have different opinions, preferences, personalities, 202 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,520 Speaker 1: roles that have been assigned by the family. And other 203 00:12:43,559 --> 00:12:47,080 Speaker 1: times some people just annoy you. Doesn't matter that you're related, 204 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,640 Speaker 1: like you, being related doesn't exclude you from this human truth. 205 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,440 Speaker 1: Other people get on our nerves because they are not 206 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:59,640 Speaker 1: us right and with our siblings, unlike with some other relationships. 207 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,160 Speaker 1: But definitely it is an option, Like you can't just 208 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,319 Speaker 1: step away and be like, I'm done with that. It's 209 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:08,240 Speaker 1: a lot harder. So what I'm saying to give a 210 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:13,040 Speaker 1: mini summary of this section, sibling rivalry in childhood is normal. 211 00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 1: It is a socially experimental way of learning certain skills. 212 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:24,959 Speaker 1: It is how we gain parental love or feel like 213 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,680 Speaker 1: we matter or we are seen in the family. It 214 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:31,079 Speaker 1: can also take a turn, especially as we get older. 215 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:35,480 Speaker 1: So let's talk about how sibling rivalry transforms in adulthood 216 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:47,200 Speaker 1: and maybe becomes complicated after this shortbreak in adulthood, especially 217 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:51,040 Speaker 1: in our twenties. I think sibling this is gonna sound obvious. 218 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:54,000 Speaker 1: Sibling competition is not about who gets what in terms 219 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:58,960 Speaker 1: of toys or front seats, becomes very psychological. It becomes 220 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:07,120 Speaker 1: more about status, achievement, closeness to parents, pride, coping, and 221 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:10,600 Speaker 1: also the past and who is carrying things from the 222 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:14,840 Speaker 1: past with them, just to name a few. The developmental 223 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:20,080 Speaker 1: literature on sibling relationships in the transition from teenage years 224 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:25,720 Speaker 1: to adulthood shows that sibling relationships often shift significantly around 225 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:30,160 Speaker 1: this time in line with wider life transitions like leaving home, 226 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:35,160 Speaker 1: getting a partner, working, studying, marrying, becoming apparent. Things do 227 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,320 Speaker 1: start to change that take away or maybe improve the 228 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:42,160 Speaker 1: original sibling relationship. I've seen it in many, many cases 229 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:45,600 Speaker 1: that friends of mine have actually gotten so much closer 230 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,720 Speaker 1: with their brothers and sisters as they age because these 231 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:52,400 Speaker 1: huge life changes give them a more grounded, more kind 232 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:56,120 Speaker 1: of well rounded perspective on priorities. Maybe it's the first 233 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,400 Speaker 1: time in their lives that they really like understand each 234 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:02,040 Speaker 1: other because they're they need each other more. But I've 235 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:06,520 Speaker 1: also found, you know, people get less close with their 236 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,760 Speaker 1: siblings as they get older, and that's been my case. 237 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,960 Speaker 1: You know, me and my younger sisters have a pretty 238 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,880 Speaker 1: big age gap. I would say I moved out when 239 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:21,040 Speaker 1: I was seventeen and they were like nine and twelve. 240 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:25,040 Speaker 1: They had their whole teenage years together and I wasn't 241 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,280 Speaker 1: at home, I wasn't even in the same state, let 242 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:31,320 Speaker 1: alone the same country, And that creates a different dynamic. 243 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,200 Speaker 1: As you get older, you know you're never going to 244 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:34,840 Speaker 1: be as close as you were when you were living 245 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:38,200 Speaker 1: in the same household. And it's not just distance. Sibling 246 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:43,080 Speaker 1: relationships can also become distinctively more loaded the older we get. 247 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:49,160 Speaker 1: There's almost this compounding effect where childhood problems and conflicts 248 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:52,240 Speaker 1: now compound on top of each other, on top of 249 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,080 Speaker 1: each other, on top of each other, until it becomes 250 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,480 Speaker 1: years of resentment. By the time you're twenty five or 251 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:00,240 Speaker 1: thirty five or forty five, you're not just reacting to 252 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,680 Speaker 1: one rude comment at Christmas, and that's not why you're 253 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 1: annoyed at your sibling. You're reacting to twenty years of 254 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,600 Speaker 1: being cast in a certain role with your siblings, or 255 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,360 Speaker 1: you're reacting to twenty years of small things that have 256 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,800 Speaker 1: gone unsaid. You also become more aware of the harmful 257 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,560 Speaker 1: narratives within your family and the way your parents treated 258 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:25,320 Speaker 1: you differently that are hard to ignore. As you gain 259 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:29,560 Speaker 1: more self awareness and you gain perhaps more self respect, Essentially, 260 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:35,400 Speaker 1: adult sibling conflict is a container for much much older wounds, 261 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,520 Speaker 1: which is why they become a very big battleground for 262 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:42,120 Speaker 1: many people in adulthood. Where does this tension begin? We've 263 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,240 Speaker 1: talked about some of the explanations for why we fight 264 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,000 Speaker 1: in general, but why do some people walk away from 265 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,640 Speaker 1: their sibling relationships feeling like things are very unfair? One 266 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:53,200 Speaker 1: place we can naturally go to is birth order. Now, 267 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,720 Speaker 1: birth order has its skeptics, and I'm occasionally one of them, 268 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:59,920 Speaker 1: but for this for sibling conflict, birth order makes a 269 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,840 Speaker 1: lot of sense. There's a few stereotypes we have in 270 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:06,960 Speaker 1: popular culture about which sibling acts in which ways. You know, 271 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:10,879 Speaker 1: older children are more responsible but also more bossy. Middle 272 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:15,080 Speaker 1: children have forgotten ones. Youngest children are spoiled. It goes 273 00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:17,840 Speaker 1: deeper than that, though, starting with the eldest, the first 274 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:24,360 Speaker 1: child enters an empty family system and often carries the parents' 275 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:28,240 Speaker 1: fantasies of getting it right, meaning there's a lot of 276 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:33,040 Speaker 1: pressure and a lot more fear and anxiety on their shoulders. 277 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:37,080 Speaker 1: You know, raising the eldest to the book, whilst also 278 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:41,920 Speaker 1: battling the tension of becoming a parent and experiencing something new, 279 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:46,200 Speaker 1: puts a lot of pressure on a kid, even unconsciously. 280 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,280 Speaker 1: This can mean as we age, the eldest feels resentment 281 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:53,119 Speaker 1: towards their younger siblings because maybe they didn't get their 282 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,320 Speaker 1: parents in that high stress state, maybe they got it easier. 283 00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:01,240 Speaker 1: The choices of the parents, unconsciously or consciously become reflected 284 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:05,640 Speaker 1: in the relationships of the siblings through stress, anxiety, and expectations. 285 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:09,399 Speaker 1: Now the second child enters an already established family system, 286 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:13,520 Speaker 1: your parents have likely naturally already learned some lessons, made 287 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:17,400 Speaker 1: some mistakes, got rid of a bit of anxiety, and 288 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:20,639 Speaker 1: that can at times maybe make it feel like less 289 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:24,200 Speaker 1: effort is put into the childhood of the middle or 290 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:28,199 Speaker 1: second child. This is, I think especially the case for 291 00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:30,320 Speaker 1: the middle shot. So if your parents end up having 292 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:33,919 Speaker 1: more siblings after you, you know, the dominant force of 293 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,880 Speaker 1: the oldest and the dominant force of the youngest can 294 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,520 Speaker 1: create a kind of cushioning effect for the middle children. 295 00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:43,840 Speaker 1: Any younger siblings, specifically youngest, are born into a family 296 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:48,600 Speaker 1: where your parents are probably already exhausted and busy. Older 297 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:52,439 Speaker 1: children have been given more responsibility. Younger children may receive 298 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:56,040 Speaker 1: more indulgence or less monitoring. Middle children may end up 299 00:18:56,119 --> 00:19:00,399 Speaker 1: negotiating their identity. In between these two established positions, it 300 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,240 Speaker 1: just gets messy. And it's why as you get older, 301 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,840 Speaker 1: you might be like, that's unfair, even though it's not 302 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,280 Speaker 1: your sibling's fault. They are the way they are. It's 303 00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:11,280 Speaker 1: birth order. And it's not to say birth order determines 304 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,919 Speaker 1: who you are inherently, but it does change how you 305 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,640 Speaker 1: relate to your siblings based on roles that have been 306 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:21,240 Speaker 1: forced upon you, based on your parents' emotions, parents and 307 00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:23,359 Speaker 1: families like this is a key thing we keep coming 308 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:27,480 Speaker 1: back to that creates conflict between siblings, like they kind 309 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,160 Speaker 1: of decide who we are, like, especially when we're young, 310 00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:34,480 Speaker 1: we get a role, like the ideas our parents have 311 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:37,760 Speaker 1: about who we are becomes quite firm because it's based 312 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,000 Speaker 1: on their own experiences, their own internal worlds, which often 313 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:44,399 Speaker 1: remain a mystery to us and are incredibly influential on 314 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:47,640 Speaker 1: how we see ourselves and our siblings. There's another big 315 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:52,120 Speaker 1: contributor here to sibling rivalry beyond the roles we're assigned, 316 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:57,440 Speaker 1: which is parental favoritism. It's an age old question, kind 317 00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,920 Speaker 1: of a joke at this point, like do parents have favorites? 318 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,359 Speaker 1: It's kind of cheeky to admit you do, or like 319 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,880 Speaker 1: funny to say like, oh, I don't have a favorite, 320 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,760 Speaker 1: like but if I did, it would be you wink wink. 321 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,760 Speaker 1: Like parents like to joke about it. Maybe they don't 322 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,159 Speaker 1: joke about it at all, meaning that it seems like 323 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:15,720 Speaker 1: they probably do have a favorite, and they forget that 324 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,800 Speaker 1: this stuff is serious. Firstly, it's serious for how kids 325 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,639 Speaker 1: relate to their parents, and it is really tragic for 326 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 1: how kids relate to their siblings, especially as adults. A 327 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:28,360 Speaker 1: lot of research talks about this. Let's clear this up 328 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:32,320 Speaker 1: first and foremost research does say parents do have favorites, 329 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:36,679 Speaker 1: full stop, parents have favorites. An article published just this 330 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:42,399 Speaker 1: year by the American Psychological Association reviewed thirty reviewed journal 331 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:47,080 Speaker 1: articles encompassing almost twenty thousand participants and found that overall 332 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:52,320 Speaker 1: the majority of parents show preferential treatment specifically for their daughters, 333 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,000 Speaker 1: for children who are more organized and introverted, and for 334 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:59,440 Speaker 1: the older children. This favoritism is shown a few ways, 335 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:02,359 Speaker 1: so they may interact with these children more, they spend 336 00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:06,240 Speaker 1: more money on them, they're more kind and positive to 337 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:09,920 Speaker 1: that child. To be honest, this deserves an entire episode 338 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:13,439 Speaker 1: because this really fucks people up, Like it has a 339 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,199 Speaker 1: long term influence on our sense of self and our 340 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:19,400 Speaker 1: self esteem. But for today's episode, let's just examine it 341 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:23,960 Speaker 1: in relation to our siblings. Decades of research on parental 342 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:29,080 Speaker 1: differential or favoritism or treatment shows that when children perceive 343 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:36,120 Speaker 1: one sibling as receiving more warmth, more support, money, freedom, approval, 344 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,439 Speaker 1: it tends to be associated with worse outcomes for the 345 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:46,600 Speaker 1: less favored sibling and poorer sibling relationship quality overall, and 346 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,560 Speaker 1: the impacts aren't only felt in childhood, they felt primarily 347 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:54,919 Speaker 1: actually in adulthood. A study of young adult siblings found 348 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:59,280 Speaker 1: that siblings who felt less loved than a brother or 349 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:03,440 Speaker 1: a sister they had had reported more depressive symptoms, and 350 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,520 Speaker 1: people who said their parents had a greater level of 351 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:10,960 Speaker 1: favoritism towards a different child also showed less intimacy with 352 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,920 Speaker 1: their siblings, because it's hard to be friendly with someone, 353 00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:16,520 Speaker 1: even somebody who is a blood relative who you love, 354 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:20,760 Speaker 1: when you are constantly convinced and told that they are 355 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:25,280 Speaker 1: better than you. A further twenty fourteen study looking at 356 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:30,000 Speaker 1: siblings specifically in later life also found that sibling closeness 357 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:34,800 Speaker 1: in adulthood is driven by two specific patterns. The researchers 358 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:39,400 Speaker 1: analyzed over two thousand sibling pairs and discovered this. First, 359 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:44,480 Speaker 1: there is a gravitation towards the favorite. People actually reported 360 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:47,960 Speaker 1: being closest to the sibling that they could tell was 361 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,080 Speaker 1: their mother's favorite, even if they weren't the favorite themselves. 362 00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:54,280 Speaker 1: So one child gets more attention not just from the parent, 363 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:57,320 Speaker 1: but from their other siblings like it's called the golden 364 00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,199 Speaker 1: child effect. This child ends up as the hub for 365 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:04,600 Speaker 1: the parents, but also keeps the siblings connected as well. Second, 366 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,919 Speaker 1: they found a distancing from the disfavored sibling, and again 367 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,399 Speaker 1: people could tell even though parents say we don't have 368 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:15,679 Speaker 1: a favorite, siblings knew they were significantly less likely to 369 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,760 Speaker 1: feel close to a brother or sister who was perceived 370 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:22,360 Speaker 1: as being less liked by their mother. And what they 371 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,399 Speaker 1: really saw was that the mother's preferences act as a 372 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,680 Speaker 1: social signal for the rest of the family. Her favorite 373 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,520 Speaker 1: becomes the person everyone wants to be around. Her least 374 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:34,800 Speaker 1: favorite often is the one that finds themselves socially sidelined 375 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:38,240 Speaker 1: by their own siblings as well and dealing with more 376 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:42,200 Speaker 1: of those emotional and mental consequences. There is also some 377 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:47,919 Speaker 1: fascinating nuance here around fairness. Some studies suggest that differential 378 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:52,000 Speaker 1: treatment is not always equally harmful if children understand that 379 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:55,440 Speaker 1: it is fair and justified. So an important caveat here 380 00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:59,160 Speaker 1: is that if a sibling seems like the favorite because 381 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:02,000 Speaker 1: they need more attention due to a medical issue or 382 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:07,479 Speaker 1: a crisis, children often understand that that changes the dynamics slightly. 383 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:12,320 Speaker 1: What does damage is not difference itself, but unexplained differences, 384 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:16,480 Speaker 1: so sly preferences being made to feel like one child 385 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:19,600 Speaker 1: is just easier to love, which eventually means we turn 386 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:22,880 Speaker 1: the spotlight back on ourselves and start thinking like, why 387 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,680 Speaker 1: aren't I easy to love? Why aren't I love that way? 388 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,640 Speaker 1: It must be something about me, about who I am intrinsically, 389 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,080 Speaker 1: it also must be something about them that makes them 390 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,080 Speaker 1: better than me. Well, I obviously don't want to be 391 00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:36,800 Speaker 1: around them and feel terrible about myself. Sibling conflict starts here, 392 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 1: so maybe you're listening and relating heavily, even if you 393 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:43,920 Speaker 1: know it wasn't your parent's intention or your sibling's fault 394 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:46,479 Speaker 1: for that matter. You might just think it's just how 395 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,000 Speaker 1: it's meant to be. Some parents just hate certain children, 396 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:52,159 Speaker 1: and I'm one of them. I think hate is a 397 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,800 Speaker 1: bit blunt, maybe too simple of a word for a 398 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:59,160 Speaker 1: very complex relational pattern. This is also where parents own 399 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:03,840 Speaker 1: unresolved ish get transferred into sibling relationships. Our parents don't 400 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,359 Speaker 1: welcome us into their lives only when they are in 401 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:11,000 Speaker 1: this perfect ethereal state of being parent. Who also doesn't 402 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:13,879 Speaker 1: automatically make people better people. We know that, We know 403 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:16,960 Speaker 1: that for sure. When a parent becomes a parent, they 404 00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:19,920 Speaker 1: bring with them their own history, their own wounds and 405 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:24,200 Speaker 1: fears and loyalties and relational templates from their own families. 406 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:29,560 Speaker 1: Sometimes a parent unconsciously identifies with one child and feels 407 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:33,439 Speaker 1: threatened by another because they remind them of plot twist 408 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,679 Speaker 1: their own parents and their own siblings, who they have 409 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,520 Speaker 1: their own unique relationship with that was shaped by the 410 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,760 Speaker 1: parents before them. You kind of see where this is going. 411 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:44,560 Speaker 1: It doesn't excuse it, but it may explain it. And 412 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:48,480 Speaker 1: I think sometimes that explanation that involves family history and 413 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:53,640 Speaker 1: in investigating you know where this came from, does provide 414 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:57,600 Speaker 1: some solace. I should also note this becomes especially relevant 415 00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:00,640 Speaker 1: in families who go through a divorce or where there's 416 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:05,600 Speaker 1: parental conflict after separation. In particular, children may feel subtly 417 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:09,400 Speaker 1: or overtly pushed into alliances with each other or the opposite, 418 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:12,320 Speaker 1: as parents kind of fight over each child's loyalty, affection, 419 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,439 Speaker 1: even custody. That is a lot. Adult problems are a 420 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,679 Speaker 1: lot to put on a delicate sibling bond, and so 421 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:20,280 Speaker 1: when you have you and your brothers and sifters have 422 00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:24,600 Speaker 1: gone through that, the precious spills sideways into your relationship, 423 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:26,919 Speaker 1: even if the original conflict wasn't about you two, or 424 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,880 Speaker 1: you three or U four. And that is why favoritism 425 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,560 Speaker 1: and behavior from parents and their own issues leads to 426 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:36,359 Speaker 1: riffs and estrangement among siblings when it's not even about them. 427 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:39,960 Speaker 1: There was a twenty twenty two study examining estrangement between 428 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,439 Speaker 1: siblings and adulthood, and it found that these ruptures are 429 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:50,240 Speaker 1: often embedded in broader family systems that are shaped by favoritism, abuse, manipulation, disputes, 430 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:55,560 Speaker 1: and particularly parental child estrangement. Some people described in this 431 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,679 Speaker 1: study their sibling bond as being toxic, damaging to their 432 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:03,719 Speaker 1: mental health, slowly eroded over time by family loyalties. Others 433 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:07,160 Speaker 1: described sudden cutoffs, but it was very rare that someone 434 00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:09,280 Speaker 1: turns around and goes I don't like this person anymore. 435 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:12,280 Speaker 1: What stands out and what was consistent in this study 436 00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:16,639 Speaker 1: is that it's not an isolated thing you Normally, if 437 00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,960 Speaker 1: you are finding yourself in a place of tension or 438 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,919 Speaker 1: conflict with your siblings, there is probably a wider and 439 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,680 Speaker 1: longer emotional history and emotional context that is shaping that. 440 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:28,400 Speaker 1: That comes a lot from the family unit. So we're 441 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,520 Speaker 1: going to take one more short break here, and then 442 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:33,280 Speaker 1: we're going to talk about what we can do about it, 443 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:37,800 Speaker 1: and how we can rewrite our relationship with our siblings 444 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,600 Speaker 1: as adults and maybe give ourselves the chance to move 445 00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:45,080 Speaker 1: past old hurts that not all the time, but sometimes 446 00:27:45,119 --> 00:27:54,160 Speaker 1: just aren't ours to hold stay with us. So, after 447 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:58,760 Speaker 1: discussing the origins of sibling tension, the question kind of becomes, 448 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:02,320 Speaker 1: can we rewrite these roles as adults and how exactly 449 00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:05,160 Speaker 1: do we do that? Great news for the first time 450 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:08,000 Speaker 1: in this whole episode, Great news. I think we can 451 00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:11,679 Speaker 1: totally rewrite our roles, totally rewrite the relationship that we 452 00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:14,359 Speaker 1: have with our adult siblings. But that's not going to 453 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:18,000 Speaker 1: happen by ignoring that the roles we've played ever existed. 454 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:21,040 Speaker 1: A lot of healing starts with being honest about the 455 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,600 Speaker 1: part you were given in your family that you didn't 456 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:27,200 Speaker 1: necessarily want. Really, you have to ask yourself, what role 457 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:29,000 Speaker 1: do I play in this family? What role did I 458 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:32,640 Speaker 1: end up stepping into, and how did that role impact 459 00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:36,040 Speaker 1: not just me but also my sibling relationship. How did 460 00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:37,880 Speaker 1: my role as the golden child or the problem child 461 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:41,560 Speaker 1: or whatever push me into a specific dynamic? And what 462 00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:43,959 Speaker 1: role did they have to play? Because even if they 463 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,560 Speaker 1: were treated better than you, even if they were the favorite, 464 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:51,320 Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that they were free of any burden. 465 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,760 Speaker 1: Every person is trapped here in their own way. They 466 00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:57,800 Speaker 1: may have been trapped in the role of the gifted child, 467 00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:01,000 Speaker 1: feeling that they could never express themselves, never move away 468 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:05,800 Speaker 1: from home, never fail, felt very tethered to their parents' identity, 469 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:07,719 Speaker 1: like they likely even if it looks like they had 470 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,080 Speaker 1: a great time, they likely had the same amount of 471 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:13,880 Speaker 1: control over the label that they stepped into as you did, 472 00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:17,479 Speaker 1: like they had no control. And so simply asking like 473 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,000 Speaker 1: why did somebody feel like they had to act this 474 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:23,280 Speaker 1: way as an important question. Sometimes, recognizing that both of 475 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:27,120 Speaker 1: you were shaped by the same things, just in different directions, 476 00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:30,400 Speaker 1: loosens a lot of the resentment that remains part of 477 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:33,400 Speaker 1: growing up. And again I'm not an expert, but just 478 00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:35,440 Speaker 1: my thoughts on this is that part of growing up 479 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,640 Speaker 1: is also accepting that children in the same family don't 480 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:41,000 Speaker 1: have the same childhood. You can live in the same house, 481 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:43,640 Speaker 1: eat at the same table, have the same parents, wear 482 00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:46,440 Speaker 1: the same hand me downs, and still come away completely 483 00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:51,479 Speaker 1: differently emotionally, psychologically, socially. And what matters here is like, 484 00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:53,440 Speaker 1: if your sibling is coming to you and saying I've 485 00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:57,800 Speaker 1: experienced her, that is making our relationship difficult. Just because 486 00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:00,840 Speaker 1: it wasn't your experience doesn't mean it's not true, and 487 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,320 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it's not impacting them deeply, and doesn't 488 00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:08,160 Speaker 1: necessarily mean they're blaming you for that. You may remember warmth, 489 00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:12,239 Speaker 1: your other sibling remembers discomfort or hostility. One of you 490 00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:15,760 Speaker 1: may have been protected because they were compliant and easygoing 491 00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:19,200 Speaker 1: or the oldest, whilst another may feel that they were 492 00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:22,560 Speaker 1: punished or let down from being the youngest or having 493 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:25,880 Speaker 1: needs or speaking up. So I think moving past old 494 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,440 Speaker 1: hurts that have been projected onto your relationship often means 495 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:31,040 Speaker 1: letting go of the idea that there is one correct 496 00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:34,040 Speaker 1: version of the family that everybody has to agree on. 497 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,040 Speaker 1: Sometimes there just isn't. Sometimes the truth is that each 498 00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:41,760 Speaker 1: child adapted in the best way that they could with 499 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:45,360 Speaker 1: more favorable outcomes, but neither person deserved or how to say, 500 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:48,280 Speaker 1: in the outcome, You also have to be open to 501 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:51,880 Speaker 1: talking about the pain in the relationship that may have 502 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:56,040 Speaker 1: come directly from either of you from each other. It 503 00:30:56,080 --> 00:31:01,520 Speaker 1: really sucks, it hurts, it's embarrassing. But something an amazing 504 00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:04,600 Speaker 1: family therapist I interviewed for the podcast said to me 505 00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:10,960 Speaker 1: once was your relationship can't process poison internally, only externally. Basically, 506 00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:13,120 Speaker 1: your issues need to be out in the open to 507 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:15,920 Speaker 1: be healed. They need some fresh air. And I don't 508 00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:18,240 Speaker 1: think it's a question of like how can we fix 509 00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:20,800 Speaker 1: the past, but what do we actually need to have 510 00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:23,480 Speaker 1: the future that we want. When you look at people 511 00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:26,280 Speaker 1: who are close to their siblings have that magical relationship, 512 00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:29,479 Speaker 1: so many of us desire what do they have and 513 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:32,200 Speaker 1: what is the bridge to that that you can see? 514 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:34,960 Speaker 1: Typically there's four things that is required to heal a 515 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:41,120 Speaker 1: sibling bond, accountability, grace, curiosity, and communication. Maybe a better 516 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:43,560 Speaker 1: question than like what do I want my future relationship 517 00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:45,440 Speaker 1: to look like? Would be how do we get those 518 00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:48,960 Speaker 1: things and what would a healthier version of this relationship be, 519 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:51,840 Speaker 1: like just even an inch. For some people, if we 520 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:54,200 Speaker 1: go through that list, it means I need you to 521 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:57,080 Speaker 1: say sorry. For other people, it means I need you 522 00:31:57,240 --> 00:32:00,680 Speaker 1: to be curious about what I want through, or I 523 00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:03,960 Speaker 1: need you to have some grace about how I'm trying 524 00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:07,160 Speaker 1: to change. And maybe for you, it's like I just 525 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:11,080 Speaker 1: just actually can't be around this person again. Like just 526 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:14,760 Speaker 1: because your family doesn't mean the relationship is immune to 527 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:19,440 Speaker 1: the things that a lot of relationships contain, which is toxicity, hurt, pain, 528 00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:23,760 Speaker 1: and an inability to forgive and an inability to move on. 529 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:27,800 Speaker 1: It might also just mean that, like we can just 530 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:30,240 Speaker 1: being honest about your relationship. We can be friends, we 531 00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:33,320 Speaker 1: can have this sibling bond, but we can only have 532 00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:35,200 Speaker 1: it every now and again, Like we can't have it 533 00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:38,719 Speaker 1: all the time. I don't feel happy, safe around them 534 00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:42,360 Speaker 1: all the time at Christmas. Maybe in a controlled environment, maybe, 535 00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:46,920 Speaker 1: but maybe this will never be repaired. The damage is done. 536 00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:52,120 Speaker 1: The characters were assigned, like the past cannot be rewritten. 537 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:55,160 Speaker 1: But that doesn't mean you're not siblings, and it doesn't 538 00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:59,360 Speaker 1: mean that like you can't reminisccasionally see each other, occasionally 539 00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:03,800 Speaker 1: have some part of them and their lives intersect with you. 540 00:33:04,600 --> 00:33:07,000 Speaker 1: And I think this is where moving past old hurts 541 00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:09,720 Speaker 1: really begins, in realizing that you do not have to 542 00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:13,880 Speaker 1: keep living the same story of your relationship. So to 543 00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:18,040 Speaker 1: summarize what has been a big episode about sibling rivalry 544 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:23,000 Speaker 1: and tension and adult sibling relationships, first, the sibling relationship, 545 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:24,800 Speaker 1: as we know a stance alone, is one of the 546 00:33:24,800 --> 00:33:28,640 Speaker 1: most unique we can have. In many ways, conflict and 547 00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:32,160 Speaker 1: rivalry is part of the fabric of that relationship. It 548 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:35,240 Speaker 1: occasionally has some benefits. You know, you learn a lot, 549 00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:39,880 Speaker 1: you model what is good and bad behavior. It's also evolutionary, 550 00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:42,880 Speaker 1: it's kind of hardwired into us. But it can become 551 00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:47,719 Speaker 1: really emotionally damaging and threatening when it becomes about things 552 00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:50,440 Speaker 1: that are larger than petty disputes and becomes centered on 553 00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:55,840 Speaker 1: a very real parental favoritism, assigned roles being placed in 554 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:58,880 Speaker 1: the middle of parental disputes you didn't ask to be 555 00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:03,240 Speaker 1: a part of. In these situations, the sibling dynamic becomes 556 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:06,000 Speaker 1: a casualty of those things, and that can mean when 557 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:08,640 Speaker 1: you look around at other people's relationships with their brothers 558 00:34:08,640 --> 00:34:11,440 Speaker 1: and sisters. It just doesn't look the same because you 559 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:13,840 Speaker 1: guys have had a different past that's gotten you to 560 00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:16,960 Speaker 1: this point. I do think there is hope. Sibling relationships 561 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:20,880 Speaker 1: have time and time again shown that they can be 562 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:26,960 Speaker 1: repaired by honestly separating ourselves from childhood roles or conflicts 563 00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:29,799 Speaker 1: as much as we possibly can, not always, but as 564 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:32,879 Speaker 1: much as the situation requires us to, and just being 565 00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:37,160 Speaker 1: curious about how our sibling's childhood was different to ours, 566 00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:39,560 Speaker 1: even if it occurred in the same environment and family, 567 00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:44,000 Speaker 1: And being curious about what you actually want from each 568 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:47,239 Speaker 1: other and what actually needs to be said and what 569 00:34:47,320 --> 00:34:50,480 Speaker 1: actually needs to be changed. I think we are very 570 00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:56,720 Speaker 1: good at knowing we might need to change for partners, friends, 571 00:34:56,920 --> 00:35:00,359 Speaker 1: for a workplace, But in our family it feels harder 572 00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:01,840 Speaker 1: because it's kind of like, go to sick step me 573 00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:05,279 Speaker 1: as I am. Isn't that your job? Like families are 574 00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:07,839 Speaker 1: meant to love each other no matter what. You can 575 00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:11,280 Speaker 1: have that perspective, but does it align with the larger 576 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:14,319 Speaker 1: objective you have, which is to have the closeness that 577 00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:16,799 Speaker 1: you so want with your siblings. Because if you want 578 00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:19,799 Speaker 1: to get that, you do have to kind of dig 579 00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:23,520 Speaker 1: through some of the same issues and problems that every 580 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:28,200 Speaker 1: other relationship platonic, romantic, familiar, or otherwise is going to have. 581 00:35:28,719 --> 00:35:33,279 Speaker 1: So that concludes our first standalone episode on siblings in 582 00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:36,080 Speaker 1: like almost five hundred episodes of the podcast. I sincerely 583 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:37,719 Speaker 1: hope it was helpful. Sorry it took me so long 584 00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:40,479 Speaker 1: to get here. I also want to say, obviously, within 585 00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:43,080 Speaker 1: this there are so many other unique dynamics and things 586 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:47,200 Speaker 1: time to discuss. So if this didn't apply to you, 587 00:35:47,239 --> 00:35:49,400 Speaker 1: please seek out other resources and know that this is 588 00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:54,040 Speaker 1: not the holy grail of accounts on sibling rivalry. People 589 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:57,040 Speaker 1: may have better things to say, things that may be 590 00:35:57,120 --> 00:35:59,799 Speaker 1: align with your perspective. More. If there is something that 591 00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,319 Speaker 1: we didn't discuss that you would like a follow up 592 00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:05,399 Speaker 1: episode on, feel free to leave a comment. Feel free 593 00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:09,360 Speaker 1: to dm me on Instagram. It's at that psychology podcast. 594 00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:11,719 Speaker 1: You can also follow us there just to learn more 595 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:15,439 Speaker 1: not just about sibling dynamics, but everything in general about 596 00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:18,279 Speaker 1: the psychology of your twenties. Also a reminder that we 597 00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:20,920 Speaker 1: have a substack. We have episodes on Netflix if you 598 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:25,319 Speaker 1: want to prouse or browse those. In the meantime, I 599 00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:26,960 Speaker 1: want to say big thank you to our research of 600 00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:30,800 Speaker 1: Liby Cobertt for her research help and assistance with this episode. 601 00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:35,240 Speaker 1: She did some amazing digging into developmental psychology papers and articles, 602 00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:38,000 Speaker 1: and we are very grateful for her. But that concludes 603 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:40,440 Speaker 1: the episode. Until next time, be safe, be kind, be 604 00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:43,080 Speaker 1: gentle with yourself, especially if you're going through a sibling 605 00:36:43,520 --> 00:36:47,399 Speaker 1: rivalry or conflict. Right now, we will talk very very soon.