WEBVTT - Bonus: Thanksgiving Thoughts from Dani 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:10.560 Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. Hey, 0:00:10.600 --> 0:00:13.760 they are Family Secrets listeners. It's Danny here with some 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:18.840 thoughts to share with you on Thanksgiving, because Thanksgiving and 0:00:19.079 --> 0:00:23.840 family secrets go together like well, like turkey and stuffing, 0:00:24.200 --> 0:00:28.800 sweet potatoes and marshmallows, cranberry sauce, and I'll stop there. 0:00:29.160 --> 0:00:32.440 I don't even like cranberry sauce. I think it's safe 0:00:32.440 --> 0:00:35.440 to say that Thanksgiving stirs up a lot of stuff 0:00:35.600 --> 0:00:38.480 from many of us. I mean, why do you think 0:00:38.479 --> 0:00:41.080 there are so many movies and so many novels that 0:00:41.159 --> 0:00:44.560 are dysfunctional family stories said at the Thanksgiving table or 0:00:44.640 --> 0:00:48.200 over Thanksgiving weekend. I know a few people who don't 0:00:48.240 --> 0:00:51.760 feel anything but joy as the holiday's approach. People who 0:00:51.760 --> 0:00:56.840 have easy, blessed, open, completely unconditionally loving relationships with all 0:00:56.920 --> 0:01:00.520 their relatives. People who bound out of bed on Thanksgiving 0:01:00.520 --> 0:01:04.000 morning in their homes where family members who have already 0:01:04.000 --> 0:01:07.240 gathered from far and wide are in the kitchen, coffee 0:01:07.280 --> 0:01:10.080 mugs in hand, dressing the turkey, pre heating the oven 0:01:10.160 --> 0:01:13.800 to four fifty, playing scrabble or what have you. And 0:01:13.880 --> 0:01:17.080 I'm happy for these people, I really am. But many 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:21.479 of us have slightly more complicated situations. For some of us, 0:01:21.680 --> 0:01:25.520 there's loss. For instance, my husband's father died two years 0:01:25.520 --> 0:01:28.800 ago just after Thanksgiving, and let's just say he had 0:01:28.959 --> 0:01:32.920 a very large presence. So when we gathered today, there 0:01:32.920 --> 0:01:36.040 will be a sense of absence, of loss, of things 0:01:36.160 --> 0:01:40.039 left unseid and undone. When my mother was living, the 0:01:40.080 --> 0:01:44.360 holiday was incredibly fraught for me. I was her only child, 0:01:44.800 --> 0:01:47.319 and I felt I had to be with her, though 0:01:47.440 --> 0:01:50.440 I really didn't want to be. One year, my husband 0:01:50.440 --> 0:01:53.240 and I hosted a huge friends giving just so there 0:01:53.240 --> 0:01:55.280 would be enough people at the table to absorb my 0:01:55.360 --> 0:01:59.280 mother's toxicity. Seventeen people around the table at our small 0:01:59.320 --> 0:02:03.200 apartment in the York City. After the holiday, our friends 0:02:03.320 --> 0:02:05.760 escorted my mother the few blocks back to her building. 0:02:06.680 --> 0:02:09.560 I was doing the dishes when the phone rang. It 0:02:09.600 --> 0:02:12.880 was my mother and she was at the hospital. She 0:02:12.960 --> 0:02:15.680 had fallen on the sidewalk just outside her apartment building 0:02:16.040 --> 0:02:18.840 and was in the emergency room. She was still in 0:02:18.880 --> 0:02:21.040 her fancy designer dress when we rushed to the e 0:02:21.240 --> 0:02:24.639 r and when I walked in, I swear she looked 0:02:24.680 --> 0:02:29.000 almost triumphant. She had gotten all the attention after all. 0:02:29.840 --> 0:02:32.680 She looked at me gestured to her dress and asked, 0:02:33.560 --> 0:02:37.680 is there blood on my unaro? Then she said, you 0:02:37.760 --> 0:02:42.480 can't use that? Well here, I am sorry, but I'm 0:02:42.560 --> 0:02:48.200 using it. It's just too good. This year, I've heard 0:02:48.280 --> 0:02:51.840 so many family secrets. People listen to this podcast or 0:02:51.919 --> 0:02:56.679 read my memoir Inheritance, and they tell me there's I've 0:02:56.720 --> 0:02:59.480 heard from people who have discovered secrets were kept from them, 0:03:00.000 --> 0:03:02.639 and I've heard from the secret keepers. I've heard from 0:03:02.639 --> 0:03:07.200 people who feel liberated, ashamed, confused, people who are grieving, 0:03:07.600 --> 0:03:10.120 are still in shock, or don't know what to do 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:13.640 with what they've learned. In one of my bonus episodes 0:03:13.760 --> 0:03:17.639 last season, I spoke with the author and therapist Laurie Gottlieb, 0:03:18.200 --> 0:03:20.840 and I asked her the question, do you think there's 0:03:20.880 --> 0:03:24.080 ever a good reason to keep a secret? And Laurie's 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:29.000 answer was ultimately no, that no matter how difficult, shocking, 0:03:29.200 --> 0:03:34.040 or painful, ultimately we're better off knowing. I think I 0:03:34.080 --> 0:03:37.680 agree with this, because one way or another, were shaped 0:03:37.680 --> 0:03:39.920 by the secrets we keep or the secrets that are 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:42.400 kept from us, whether we're aware of it or not. 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:45.640 I do think, though, that there's a time and a 0:03:45.680 --> 0:03:49.640 place for secrets to be revealed, and so I'd like 0:03:49.760 --> 0:03:54.160 to humbly suggest that perhaps Thanksgiving isn't the time or 0:03:54.240 --> 0:03:58.360 place emotions are running high. There's all the cultural and 0:03:58.400 --> 0:04:03.120 societal pressure, all the Instagram posts of glowing candles and 0:04:03.240 --> 0:04:07.400 brisk outdoor walks and perfect pumpkin pies, and many of 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:10.920 us find ourselves on edge. Whatever is going on inside 0:04:10.920 --> 0:04:13.280 of us, it tends to be heightened, like the dial 0:04:13.320 --> 0:04:16.120 inside of us that regulates our emotions got turned up 0:04:16.120 --> 0:04:20.800 a few notches. So, my friends, right now, as you're 0:04:20.800 --> 0:04:25.680 listening to this, stop for a moment. Just stop. Take 0:04:25.720 --> 0:04:29.000 a breath, Take a deep breath. You can do this 0:04:29.680 --> 0:04:32.920 wherever you're listening, in a car, in bed, in your kitchen, 0:04:33.520 --> 0:04:36.239 while you're sticking that turkey in the oven, or facing 0:04:36.320 --> 0:04:38.960 a sink full of dishes, while your family is all 0:04:38.960 --> 0:04:43.520 around you. You can feel yourself breathing in, breathing out. 0:04:44.400 --> 0:04:47.160 Get in touch with your own body, your own self, 0:04:47.640 --> 0:04:52.120 your own heart. You've got this, And don't forget the 0:04:52.200 --> 0:04:55.240 reasons all these people tend to push our buttons, trigger us, 0:04:55.600 --> 0:04:59.359 make us feel all the feels. It's because there are family, 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:03.680 and whether we like them or not, we love them. 0:05:03.720 --> 0:05:07.440 They're hours and also don't forget what this holiday is 0:05:07.480 --> 0:05:11.880 really supposed to be about, giving thanks. I am thankful 0:05:12.080 --> 0:05:15.480 to all of you. I never dreamt i'd create a podcast, 0:05:15.760 --> 0:05:18.280 much less one that has found so many devoted listeners. 0:05:18.880 --> 0:05:21.920 So here's to you. As I work on season three, 0:05:22.240 --> 0:05:25.960 which will launch in early February, I'm incredibly grateful that 0:05:26.000 --> 0:05:28.320 I get to do this work and have the privilege 0:05:28.320 --> 0:05:33.200 of hearing so many of your stories. Speaking of which, 0:05:33.680 --> 0:05:35.839 if you'd like to call in and record your story 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:40.440 for possible bonus episode of Listeners Stories, please call one 0:05:40.839 --> 0:05:46.200 eight eight Secret zero. That's one eight secret and the 0:05:46.279 --> 0:05:50.000 number zero. We would love to hear from you. Happy 0:05:50.080 --> 0:06:07.760 holidays all, mm hmmmm. For more podcasts for my Heart Radio, 0:06:07.960 --> 0:06:10.800 visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever 0:06:10.960 --> 0:06:12.400 you listen to your favorite shows.