WEBVTT - YOU ARE NOT ALONE 0:00:00.920 --> 0:00:04.600 You are not alone if you are suffering with your 0:00:04.640 --> 0:00:08.479 mental health. In fact, you are far from alone. There 0:00:08.560 --> 0:00:11.559 is hope and there is help, And those are the 0:00:11.600 --> 0:00:16.760 messages that both sportscasting legend Dan Patrick and brilliant comedian 0:00:16.920 --> 0:00:22.040 Gary Goldman want you to know. Everyone's mental health experiences 0:00:22.079 --> 0:00:25.239 are their own. So Dan and Gary share their stories 0:00:25.239 --> 0:00:30.800 in separate companion episodes. Both my guests are honest and authentic. 0:00:31.480 --> 0:00:35.720 They are vulnerable and strong. You can be both at 0:00:35.760 --> 0:00:39.559 the same time. Maybe their stories will connect with you 0:00:39.840 --> 0:00:43.360 if you're going through something, or resonate if someone you 0:00:43.400 --> 0:00:47.280 care about is struggling. And I did not know enough 0:00:47.680 --> 0:00:51.599 about the issues surrounding the mental health crisis. And then 0:00:51.640 --> 0:00:54.080 some years ago I hosted the Invictus Games got to 0:00:54.120 --> 0:00:59.120 know some veterans coping with invisible wounds of war. Their 0:00:59.200 --> 0:01:03.640 bravery was impressive and spending time with them was powerful. 0:01:05.000 --> 0:01:09.680 In two thousand six, Rashon Salam, Heisman Trophy winner for 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:15.679 my alma mater, took his own life. I really like Rashan. 0:01:15.800 --> 0:01:18.720 I was hit hard by that, and I wish I 0:01:18.760 --> 0:01:23.000 had been more aware of the depth of Rashan's pain. 0:01:24.280 --> 0:01:29.240 Many millions are really struggling right now as much as ever, 0:01:30.319 --> 0:01:33.520 and our hope for these episodes is to contribute to 0:01:33.560 --> 0:01:39.320 the conversation and help erase the stigma, the depression. That 0:01:39.440 --> 0:01:42.039 was important. It's in my family, and you know that's 0:01:42.080 --> 0:01:46.200 when my wife said, you can help one person, that's great. 0:01:46.560 --> 0:01:48.800 And if you help that one person who tells that 0:01:48.840 --> 0:01:52.040 one person who tells that one person, you know, that's important. 0:01:52.640 --> 0:01:55.680 And once you do it, like there was, it was 0:01:55.760 --> 0:01:59.560 cathartic for me, but it was it was scary because 0:01:59.600 --> 0:02:01.800 you're going and I tell people a lot of things. 0:02:02.240 --> 0:02:06.960 Now I'm really telling them something. If you follow sports 0:02:06.960 --> 0:02:08.799 at all, you've been aware of Dan Patrick's work for 0:02:08.840 --> 0:02:11.240 a long time. He's one of the most talented broadcasters 0:02:11.240 --> 0:02:13.959 I've ever worked with. At him more than twenty years 0:02:13.960 --> 0:02:16.000 ago at ESPN, he was one of the best sports 0:02:16.000 --> 0:02:20.359 center anchors ever. At NBC hosted Football Night in America 0:02:20.840 --> 0:02:24.720 with great work hosting the Olympics. That Dan Patrick Show 0:02:24.919 --> 0:02:29.120 has been a fixture forever on national radio. It is 0:02:29.160 --> 0:02:33.360 now also on the Peacock Network. So Dan, one morning, 0:02:33.400 --> 0:02:35.960 you go in your show, that An Patrick Show, and 0:02:36.000 --> 0:02:39.120 you say I'm gonna take a left turn here, and 0:02:39.200 --> 0:02:43.639 you announced that you've been carrying around a secret, going 0:02:43.680 --> 0:02:45.840 to explain what that is and where that led you. 0:02:46.760 --> 0:02:49.680 What was the secret you were talking about? Well, I 0:02:49.760 --> 0:02:52.920 think for about six years it was an open secret 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:55.359 that I was kind of struggling every day to get 0:02:55.360 --> 0:02:58.440 to work and I had been going through I had 0:02:58.440 --> 0:03:00.920 a condition called polly My out of ramatica, which is 0:03:00.960 --> 0:03:04.960 PMR and it normally hits older people and I was 0:03:05.600 --> 0:03:08.160 getting it or first glimpses, and I was I think 0:03:08.200 --> 0:03:12.760 fifty five fifty six and I went and got diagnosed. 0:03:12.919 --> 0:03:15.919 And it you feel like you have the flu every day, 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:19.440 but you don't. You're not nauseous, you just have the aches. 0:03:19.480 --> 0:03:22.600 And I was having a hard time tying my shoes 0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:25.240 in the morning, and you know, we moved all of 0:03:25.280 --> 0:03:27.760 my clothes downstairs so I didn't have to walk up 0:03:27.800 --> 0:03:30.360 steps because I had a hard time doing that. And 0:03:30.520 --> 0:03:33.360 I just and I thought, you know what, and I 0:03:33.480 --> 0:03:38.120 just started taking a drug to combat this that was 0:03:38.200 --> 0:03:42.560 kind of an exploratory, uh drug called a tamera. And 0:03:42.680 --> 0:03:46.839 I was just I was in a fog a little bit, 0:03:46.920 --> 0:03:49.440 and I was forgetting things on the air, and I 0:03:50.160 --> 0:03:54.000 was starting to feel embarrassed. And I remember that I, 0:03:54.760 --> 0:03:57.200 you know, why not just come forward and just say, look, 0:03:57.240 --> 0:03:59.280 this is what I'm going through, so the audience knows 0:03:59.400 --> 0:04:01.800 with me that if I make a mistake, then then 0:04:01.840 --> 0:04:04.480 they understand that I'm making mistakes here, which I normally 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:09.240 wouldn't do. I couldn't remember Albert Poohol's his name three 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:11.920 different occasions, so I just couldn't. I couldn't bring it up. 0:04:12.560 --> 0:04:16.200 Uh Tomzo's name, I couldn't bring it up. I forgot 0:04:16.200 --> 0:04:18.680 how to start my car. One morning, I went to 0:04:18.720 --> 0:04:20.719 the grocery store to buy something, and I had to 0:04:20.760 --> 0:04:22.359 call my wife to ask her why I went to 0:04:22.440 --> 0:04:24.240 the store when it was my idea to go to 0:04:24.279 --> 0:04:27.280 the story. And I started to get really concerned if 0:04:27.320 --> 0:04:29.560 I was going to continue to do this. While going 0:04:29.640 --> 0:04:31.720 through this treatment, I'd get hooked up to an ivy 0:04:31.760 --> 0:04:34.760 once a month at the Hospital for Special Surgery in 0:04:34.800 --> 0:04:39.320 New York, and it was really powerful stuff, and and 0:04:39.400 --> 0:04:41.560 you know, they'd monitor me for a half hour when 0:04:41.560 --> 0:04:44.719 it was done with my vitals. I went four months 0:04:44.760 --> 0:04:46.919 going through these treatments, didn't even know if it worked. 0:04:47.360 --> 0:04:49.960 And they said one morning, you'll know. And I would 0:04:49.960 --> 0:04:52.960 get out of bed every morning after four months, and 0:04:53.240 --> 0:04:56.680 I realized it was groundhog Day and it didn't. Then 0:04:56.720 --> 0:05:00.160 it finally worked where I took away probably sixt out 0:05:00.160 --> 0:05:02.839 of my pain, but I was still forgetting things going 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:04.920 through this treatment, and I just said to the Dannets, 0:05:06.320 --> 0:05:08.720 you know what, if I can help, So I'm going 0:05:08.760 --> 0:05:11.239 through depression. I mean, I was all over the place, 0:05:11.279 --> 0:05:14.320 and I just said, if I can tell somebody something 0:05:14.360 --> 0:05:16.880 that the audience knows, but also let them know if 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:19.720 you go through something like this, you know, it doesn't 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:22.719 know what you do, it doesn't discriminate. And you know, 0:05:22.720 --> 0:05:24.279 it kind of tapped me on the shoulder and I 0:05:24.360 --> 0:05:27.880 was going through some serious depression, and um, you know 0:05:28.040 --> 0:05:30.480 that it was finally time to just let everybody kind 0:05:30.480 --> 0:05:33.640 of in on the secret. Well there's a lot to 0:05:34.080 --> 0:05:36.600 unpack there and talk about and get into. And I 0:05:36.640 --> 0:05:39.920 think that you showing that vulnerability will be very helpful 0:05:39.960 --> 0:05:42.039 and I hope helpful to you as well. Let's back 0:05:42.120 --> 0:05:44.080 up and talk about the pain. So you're you're fifty 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:47.279 five years old and climbing the stairs as a problem 0:05:47.720 --> 0:05:50.640 and getting out of bed as a problem. Describe for 0:05:50.680 --> 0:05:53.640 those who haven't had probably malagia at room romatica, what 0:05:53.640 --> 0:05:58.000 what that pain was like. Every morning. It was just 0:05:59.000 --> 0:06:02.440 it was this dull egg that just hung there and 0:06:02.440 --> 0:06:04.280 and you'd wake up in the morning and I felt 0:06:04.320 --> 0:06:06.360 it in my knees right away and in your hand. 0:06:06.640 --> 0:06:09.719 So it's all your joints, so it doesn't you know, 0:06:09.720 --> 0:06:11.320 it's not like one side of your body or one 0:06:11.360 --> 0:06:13.360 part of your body. It's both knees, it's both hips, 0:06:13.400 --> 0:06:17.120 it's both ankles, both hands, both shoulders, my neck every 0:06:17.200 --> 0:06:19.560 single day. And then they had me on Pregna zonne. 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:21.720 I don't know if you've ever been on Pregna zone, 0:06:21.880 --> 0:06:25.000 hopefully you never get on Pregna zone because that is 0:06:25.040 --> 0:06:28.760 a a powerful drug. And I was taking pretty high 0:06:28.839 --> 0:06:32.479 doses um. But my mood swings were all over the place. 0:06:32.760 --> 0:06:36.200 So it would take away the pain magically, and then 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:39.560 but I would be all over the map, all this 0:06:39.760 --> 0:06:42.919 energy or I wouldn't say a word, and you know, 0:06:43.000 --> 0:06:46.720 so my wife's trying to troubleshoot this, and you know 0:06:46.800 --> 0:06:49.920 it was I had gotten to the point where I 0:06:50.080 --> 0:06:51.560 didn't know if there was going to be any kind 0:06:51.560 --> 0:06:55.400 of solution. And I ended up going to Veil, Colorado 0:06:55.480 --> 0:06:57.919 to visit my daughter, and I went in there to 0:06:57.960 --> 0:07:02.360 the Steadman Clinic and the doctor said, have you tried this? 0:07:02.640 --> 0:07:05.240 I said, I'll try anything, and he said, well, you're 0:07:05.240 --> 0:07:06.760 gonna be hooked up to an ivy. I said, I 0:07:06.760 --> 0:07:09.920 don't care. And if I don't go and see him, 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:13.200 I don't know where I am today. Because he told 0:07:13.200 --> 0:07:15.920 me to see this doctor, Dr Lally at you know, 0:07:16.240 --> 0:07:19.200 hospital for Special Surgery, and she said, look, we're trying 0:07:19.240 --> 0:07:23.880 this on rheumatoid arthritis patients. Do you want to try it? 0:07:24.000 --> 0:07:26.280 I said, yes, I'll try it. And so I was, 0:07:26.440 --> 0:07:28.520 you know, probably one of the first people in the 0:07:28.560 --> 0:07:32.280 United States to do it. But you know, I was 0:07:32.320 --> 0:07:34.880 a willing participant. I was just a guinea pig because 0:07:34.880 --> 0:07:37.560 I couldn't This pain was so I didn't play golf 0:07:37.640 --> 0:07:39.440 for seven years. I was gonna say, you're you're acting. 0:07:39.480 --> 0:07:43.360 You're an athlete, you play basketball, you love golf. Activity 0:07:43.600 --> 0:07:46.080 is a part of your life. You're you're fifty five 0:07:46.120 --> 0:07:48.520 years old, you're far from old, and now you're you're 0:07:48.560 --> 0:07:51.600 being robbed at that. For people who suffer pain in 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:55.600 any form, they know that it takes away your joy. 0:07:56.200 --> 0:08:00.440 You can't be carefree, you can't have happiness for long. 0:08:00.680 --> 0:08:03.280 It's hard to even be present, right because the present 0:08:03.800 --> 0:08:05.440 is painful and you're looking for a way to get 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:09.480 away from that. So just that daily pain and we'll 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:11.600 get to where it leads you emotionally. But the physical 0:08:11.720 --> 0:08:14.360 piece of it, you gotta go and you gotta do 0:08:14.440 --> 0:08:18.200 a show every day in two twelve, So you're you're 0:08:18.200 --> 0:08:20.960 doing Football Night in America in the fall, the London Olympics. 0:08:21.000 --> 0:08:24.520 That summer, you're doing your show. It's a heavy workload, high, 0:08:24.600 --> 0:08:28.480 high profile, demanding things. How are you keeping it together 0:08:28.720 --> 0:08:32.240 for that? I have no idea. I really don't, Chris, 0:08:32.400 --> 0:08:35.560 because I would take a nap at Football Night in America. 0:08:35.600 --> 0:08:39.120 I would get there at noon, we'd watch the pregame shows, 0:08:39.600 --> 0:08:43.200 and then at halftime of the first set of games 0:08:43.200 --> 0:08:45.000 at one o'clock, I go take a nap for forty 0:08:45.000 --> 0:08:49.320 five minutes, just because my body was just screaming out that, 0:08:49.559 --> 0:08:52.320 you know, just lie down, and then I would get 0:08:52.400 --> 0:08:56.240 up at four o'clock and then i'd prep we'd start 0:08:56.280 --> 0:08:58.360 taping at five, and then I would work, you know, 0:08:58.400 --> 0:09:01.680 the rest of the evening doing Football Night in America. Uh. 0:09:01.720 --> 0:09:04.280 In the Olympics, the London Olympics, you know, I was 0:09:04.320 --> 0:09:07.200 taking presdic zone, but you know, you you just kind 0:09:07.200 --> 0:09:09.280 of do that that that's a grind. That's like twenty 0:09:09.280 --> 0:09:12.120 two consecutive days where you're doing six hours alive TV. 0:09:12.320 --> 0:09:14.920 And part of it was you look forward to getting 0:09:14.920 --> 0:09:16.800 on the air. So I didn't sit around and think 0:09:16.800 --> 0:09:19.400 about it. And you know, my wife would just say 0:09:19.440 --> 0:09:22.120 stop moping, like come on, let's go take a walk. Hey. 0:09:22.120 --> 0:09:24.800 But I couldn't pick up anything more than a wedge 0:09:25.160 --> 0:09:27.600 when I played golf, and then I didn't want to 0:09:27.600 --> 0:09:30.080 shoot basketball, and that's all I love, you know, I 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:33.120 love shooting hoops and couldn't play golf. I quit my 0:09:33.360 --> 0:09:36.520 membership at a golf club, and uh, you know, I 0:09:36.640 --> 0:09:38.959 just resigned myself to the fact that this is what 0:09:39.000 --> 0:09:40.920 I was going to have. I went to the person 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:45.640 who coined the phrase PMR older. He's probably in his 0:09:45.760 --> 0:09:48.840 nineties now. I walk in and he goes, I go, 0:09:49.000 --> 0:09:51.280 I I gotta you know, I want you to see 0:09:51.280 --> 0:09:53.360 if I have. He goes, you've got PMR. I go, no, 0:09:53.480 --> 0:09:55.160 I want you to diagnose. I goes, I can tell 0:09:55.200 --> 0:09:57.880 you PMR. I said, what shouldn't I take a blood test? 0:09:57.880 --> 0:10:00.120 He goes, go next door, Come back, you have pm are? 0:10:00.480 --> 0:10:02.520 I go next door? I come back. He says, you 0:10:02.559 --> 0:10:05.440 have PMR. I said, well, how do you you know? 0:10:05.520 --> 0:10:08.679 How do we combat it? He goes, uh, we give 0:10:08.679 --> 0:10:10.640 you a pregnic zone. I said, well, how did I 0:10:10.640 --> 0:10:12.080 get it? We don't know. How do I get rid 0:10:12.120 --> 0:10:15.280 of it? We don't know. And so I leave this 0:10:15.360 --> 0:10:19.000 doctor's office and I'm going I have no idea what 0:10:19.040 --> 0:10:22.760 I'm doing, and you know, I just I don't know. 0:10:22.920 --> 0:10:26.320 I think I I'm fortunate I had an outlet, and 0:10:26.360 --> 0:10:28.160 I'm fortunately I had guys that I come in every 0:10:28.240 --> 0:10:30.280 day and they made me laugh. They took my mind 0:10:30.280 --> 0:10:33.240 off of it. Because once the show got was over, 0:10:33.679 --> 0:10:35.280 I got back in the car and then I went 0:10:35.360 --> 0:10:37.760 back home, and then I didn't want to do anything. 0:10:37.880 --> 0:10:41.080 And then you sit around and you just, you know, 0:10:41.160 --> 0:10:43.880 it just starts to the walls start to close in 0:10:43.880 --> 0:10:47.040 a little bit on you. Yeah, the show must go on. 0:10:47.400 --> 0:10:50.079 As a phrase, it exists for a reason because that's 0:10:50.120 --> 0:10:52.920 the mentality, right, whether it's what you do, what I do, 0:10:53.080 --> 0:10:55.640 what they do on Broadway or films. You you just 0:10:55.880 --> 0:11:00.280 get through whatever physical or emotional pain your deal ling with, 0:11:00.400 --> 0:11:02.640 and you just do the job because that's what you're 0:11:02.640 --> 0:11:04.680 expected to do. There's a long tradition of it. So 0:11:04.720 --> 0:11:06.760 you have to sit there in that share and be 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:11.800 funny and be sharp and have your a game every 0:11:11.800 --> 0:11:16.040 single day while dealing with all this. I guess you know, 0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:20.640 this job and sports in general is viewed as a diversion, 0:11:20.880 --> 0:11:23.679 a distraction from real world stuff, so that that may 0:11:23.679 --> 0:11:26.160 have helped, because you've gotta, by the way, prep for 0:11:26.200 --> 0:11:28.520 this show. You have to watch games and read stuff. 0:11:28.520 --> 0:11:30.839 You can't just turn up and know what you need 0:11:30.880 --> 0:11:34.520 to know to do the show. So I guess it 0:11:34.600 --> 0:11:37.079 must have been therapeutic in that way to have sports 0:11:37.120 --> 0:11:40.880 as an outlet for as many hours as you could do. Yeah, 0:11:40.960 --> 0:11:43.720 and I think when but I also would in the 0:11:43.760 --> 0:11:45.640 back of my mind, I would look at the clock 0:11:45.679 --> 0:11:47.520 and know that, Okay, the show is going to end 0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:49.679 the next number of minutes, which meant I had to 0:11:49.880 --> 0:11:52.240 Now I left my little dream world here that we 0:11:52.320 --> 0:11:55.319 call you know, radio or TV, and you know it 0:11:55.720 --> 0:11:59.880 just starts. You just I can't explain it other than 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:02.520 you know you were in this. I was in a 0:12:02.520 --> 0:12:06.240 world that nobody could understand, and you're trying to explain. 0:12:06.559 --> 0:12:09.120 I would have my wife if I let's say we 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:13.960 took a plane trip to Cincinnati to our flight, and 0:12:14.000 --> 0:12:16.400 I would say, honey, you gotta hold my hand when 0:12:16.400 --> 0:12:18.600 I'm getting up, because I didn't want people to think 0:12:18.600 --> 0:12:21.719 that I mean, I was, I felt frail, and she 0:12:21.760 --> 0:12:23.679 would I can't say. We'd go to a movie and 0:12:23.720 --> 0:12:26.320 I'd say I need help getting up. I'd go to 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:29.440 dinner and I'd say I need help getting up. It's 0:12:29.480 --> 0:12:32.440 just if I sit for thirty minutes or more and 0:12:32.520 --> 0:12:36.000 so I'm sitting in my job and I get up, 0:12:36.080 --> 0:12:38.079 and then I never want you to feel like, oh 0:12:38.120 --> 0:12:42.480 my god, I felt eighty. If if this is eighty, 0:12:42.640 --> 0:12:47.320 I'm in trouble. But I just couldn't. People didn't realize 0:12:47.360 --> 0:12:48.960 what was going on, and then you, how did you? 0:12:49.080 --> 0:12:51.160 How did they not realize? How did how did someone 0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:53.640 that see you? You're recognizable, They come up, they want 0:12:53.679 --> 0:12:55.839 to talk to you, they want to picture back in 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:58.080 the air when that's that stuff went on, and then 0:12:58.120 --> 0:13:01.120 you don't want then to know what you're carrying. And 0:13:01.120 --> 0:13:03.920 that's understandable. A few of us would, but now that's 0:13:03.960 --> 0:13:08.000 extra energy taken to conceal it as well. I just 0:13:08.120 --> 0:13:10.040 even if I was trying to explain it though Chris, 0:13:10.080 --> 0:13:12.520 it was I couldn't conceal it. I just couldn't explain it. 0:13:12.600 --> 0:13:14.360 So if I go, hey, it's like the flu, but 0:13:14.600 --> 0:13:17.640 you don't, you're not nauxious, and they go, oh, well, 0:13:17.640 --> 0:13:19.360 how do you get rid of it? And this if 0:13:19.400 --> 0:13:21.440 I had a dollar for every time I'm asked the 0:13:21.440 --> 0:13:25.480 following have you been tested for line? And I go, yes, 0:13:26.600 --> 0:13:30.439 I was probably tested for lime twenty twenty different blood tests. 0:13:30.559 --> 0:13:33.880 I took so many blood tests and I it always 0:13:33.920 --> 0:13:36.040 came back to the same. And then you're trying to 0:13:36.040 --> 0:13:39.400 tell somebody something and then they'll go, oh, okay. They 0:13:39.400 --> 0:13:42.920 don't understand it because it's not something that is you know, 0:13:42.960 --> 0:13:45.280 it's not like a broken arm or knee surgery. It's 0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:48.080 I got something to do with my joints and it 0:13:48.120 --> 0:13:52.720 doesn't allow me to move very well. Okay, And that's 0:13:52.920 --> 0:13:56.080 about all you can explain to people. So but I look, 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:59.160 I I don't people try to be nice and understand it. 0:13:59.280 --> 0:14:01.520 I but you know, when you ask somebody, hey, how 0:14:01.600 --> 0:14:04.040 you feeling? Do you really want to know how they're feeling? 0:14:04.400 --> 0:14:06.760 But you ask, and then if I say, do you 0:14:06.800 --> 0:14:08.800 really want to know? Because I was trying to be 0:14:08.960 --> 0:14:10.959 you know, fair to my friends, you don't want to know, yes, 0:14:11.040 --> 0:14:13.400 I'm doing okay. Well, there's different ways of handling this, 0:14:13.640 --> 0:14:15.800 different ways of handling all sorts of pain. Some people 0:14:15.800 --> 0:14:18.520 with a stiff upper lip reveal nothing to anyone, even 0:14:18.520 --> 0:14:21.320 those close to them don't know. Others are, oh, I 0:14:21.320 --> 0:14:23.320 gotta hangnail and you gotta hear about that for a half. 0:14:23.600 --> 0:14:25.720 I know that you're kind of in that former group, 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:27.640 and that's that's sort of what I grew up around 0:14:27.800 --> 0:14:30.080 family members who didn't share things like that. But that 0:14:30.120 --> 0:14:33.000 also carries its own burden and its own weight. So 0:14:33.120 --> 0:14:36.400 you you leave the studio and you're on the drive home, 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:39.960 and what's going through your head and now you've got 0:14:40.040 --> 0:14:42.920 all these hours to fill and and you've got all 0:14:42.960 --> 0:14:45.760 this pain to cope with. Well, it got to the 0:14:45.760 --> 0:14:48.160 point where I tried to find a longer way to 0:14:48.200 --> 0:14:51.040 go home. I would I would ask my wife, you know, 0:14:51.080 --> 0:14:53.160 I would do errand like, I had to do something 0:14:53.200 --> 0:14:55.920 before I went home, because once I got home and 0:14:55.960 --> 0:14:59.360 it was around six o'clock, then I wanted to self medicaid. 0:14:59.720 --> 0:15:01.960 And I would say to my wife, you know, I'll 0:15:02.000 --> 0:15:04.360 wait till seven o'clock to have something to drink. And 0:15:04.400 --> 0:15:07.120 I would so then it would be six, then it 0:15:07.160 --> 0:15:09.320 was six thirty, then it was six fifteen, that was 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:12.960 six o'clock. And I was going down a bad road 0:15:13.080 --> 0:15:15.600 because I just I wanted the pain to go away. 0:15:15.880 --> 0:15:19.280 I didn't want to take prednic's own and so, you know, 0:15:19.320 --> 0:15:22.880 I got a medicinal marijuana license. Like I was like, 0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:25.680 how do I get through each day because I know 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:27.320 what it's going to be like when I wake up 0:15:27.320 --> 0:15:31.480 in the morning, and I wanted to basically knock myself 0:15:31.520 --> 0:15:34.600 out go to sleep, you know, And that became a 0:15:34.680 --> 0:15:37.240 daily thing from from whatever was six o'clock until you 0:15:37.240 --> 0:15:39.360 went to bed. That that was sort of the pain 0:15:39.440 --> 0:15:41.680 management was the only thing on your mind at that point. 0:15:41.800 --> 0:15:44.640 And then I didn't know I had neuropathy, so I 0:15:44.640 --> 0:15:47.680 couldn't sleep through the night. I would sleep in three 0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:51.080 hour increments, and then my my fingers and feet would 0:15:51.240 --> 0:15:53.640 like numb up and then you know, so it was 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:56.760 a constant like you're up and then you're trying to 0:15:56.760 --> 0:15:58.960 go back sleep, and you know, you wake up in 0:15:58.960 --> 0:16:01.200 the morning and you realized that here it is again, 0:16:01.200 --> 0:16:03.680 that pain is there every single morning. But you know, 0:16:03.840 --> 0:16:06.480 God loved my wife every single day for seven years. 0:16:06.480 --> 0:16:08.480 She asked me, how do you feel every single day? 0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:11.000 Every single day? And that one day when I said, 0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:15.080 I feel okay, and she's like, what, I go, I 0:16:15.120 --> 0:16:18.240 don't know, something's different there. And that's after the four 0:16:18.280 --> 0:16:21.320 month period of doing these I V s and um, 0:16:21.360 --> 0:16:23.520 you know, I just said, you know, I'm gonna keep 0:16:23.560 --> 0:16:26.160 doing it for a little while, and then, uh, you know, 0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:28.880 I did it for twelve months. How do you give 0:16:28.960 --> 0:16:33.640 yourself a pep talk to do that? I don't know. 0:16:33.760 --> 0:16:37.960 I just you know, I love working every day and 0:16:38.080 --> 0:16:42.320 I just there's something about that that's therapeutic. That I was. 0:16:43.400 --> 0:16:45.520 I was able to get up, and it took me 0:16:45.640 --> 0:16:48.080 such a long time. It's forty five minutes of that 0:16:48.240 --> 0:16:50.960 pain was always there, and then I would take a 0:16:51.000 --> 0:16:53.400 shower and then I would feel a little bit better. 0:16:53.680 --> 0:16:55.920 There'll be days my wife would help me with my shoes, 0:16:56.120 --> 0:16:58.920 my jacket and I get out the door. And then 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:02.520 once I got to work, then I just I don't know, 0:17:02.560 --> 0:17:04.480 I just you kind of shed it. You have to 0:17:04.560 --> 0:17:07.919 leave it. You just you know, nobody wanted to hear 0:17:07.960 --> 0:17:10.119 about it, but I wanted them to hear about it. 0:17:10.160 --> 0:17:13.000 When I got to a point where I wasn't doing 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:16.400 my job, and that's you know, that was where I said, 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:18.199 I got to tell people that I'm not doing my 0:17:18.320 --> 0:17:22.920 job correctly. This is why also depression, that was important. 0:17:22.960 --> 0:17:25.280 It's in my family. And you know, that's when my 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:29.560 wife said, you can help one person, that's great. And 0:17:29.600 --> 0:17:31.880 if you help that one person who tells that one 0:17:31.920 --> 0:17:34.960 person who tells that one person, you know, that's important. 0:17:35.520 --> 0:17:38.560 And once you do it like there was, it was 0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:42.480 cathartic for me, but it was it was scary because 0:17:42.520 --> 0:17:45.320 you're going I tell people a lot of things. Now 0:17:45.359 --> 0:17:49.680 I'm really telling them something and that's as personal as 0:17:49.720 --> 0:17:52.280 I could get. But I kept thinking, this is the audience. 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:55.520 I mean why it's reciprocated. You invest in me, I 0:17:55.520 --> 0:17:57.640 should invest in you. I should let you know what 0:17:57.680 --> 0:17:59.639 you mean to me. And that's what I did. I 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:02.199 just this is how important you are to me. I 0:18:02.200 --> 0:18:05.439 want you to understand what I'm going through. And you know, 0:18:05.560 --> 0:18:08.760 if it helps you, you want you know somebody, then great, 0:18:08.800 --> 0:18:11.919 we're all in this together. And it was freeing. And 0:18:11.960 --> 0:18:15.000 the number of people who have responded and continue to 0:18:15.080 --> 0:18:19.239 respond has been you know, that's that's the reward of 0:18:19.280 --> 0:18:22.600 all of this. It was really really beneficial I think, 0:18:22.680 --> 0:18:25.880 for you know, certainly myself, but those on the other end, 0:18:27.200 --> 0:18:29.640 he said, scary, And I think I understand what you mean, 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:33.000 but that kind of fear has different meanings. Why why 0:18:33.160 --> 0:18:36.840 was it scary to you the idea about letting people 0:18:36.920 --> 0:18:38.879 in on what you were feeling and the thoughts you 0:18:38.920 --> 0:18:43.960 were having. I just thought, guess I'm really opening myself 0:18:44.080 --> 0:18:47.600 up here. And I didn't at the time. I didn't 0:18:47.640 --> 0:18:50.200 know who I was, Like, I'm trying to figure out 0:18:50.200 --> 0:18:53.080 who I am going through all of this. You know, 0:18:53.119 --> 0:18:56.159 as a as a father. You know, you've got three daughters. 0:18:56.160 --> 0:18:57.840 You want to walk down the aisle. I have a 0:18:57.880 --> 0:19:00.800 son who's getting married. Like, You're just like, what do 0:19:00.800 --> 0:19:01.960 you mean? You didn't know who you were? You you you 0:19:02.040 --> 0:19:03.840 had a pretty well established idea of who you were 0:19:03.840 --> 0:19:05.480 at this point in your life, but this was taking 0:19:05.520 --> 0:19:08.240 away your ability. It's got to recognize yourself. Well, I 0:19:08.240 --> 0:19:10.760 didn't know what I was going to be, Like, I 0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:15.719 didn't know I was having memory loss, um, I was 0:19:15.760 --> 0:19:18.879 still having pain. I just wasn't sure what I was 0:19:18.920 --> 0:19:21.120 going to be and who I was going to be. Um. 0:19:21.160 --> 0:19:23.399 I didn't lose my identity as much as I was like, 0:19:24.280 --> 0:19:27.200 as I move forward here? Can I be great? Can 0:19:27.240 --> 0:19:30.159 I be good? Can I do this for a living? 0:19:30.480 --> 0:19:32.159 You have a very high standard that you want to 0:19:32.200 --> 0:19:34.480 meet for yourself. I understand that when that slips, when 0:19:34.520 --> 0:19:36.920 that's not there, you might be the only one who 0:19:36.920 --> 0:19:41.600 knows it. But very few damn what would know that. 0:19:41.640 --> 0:19:43.720 But that doesn't matter, because you want to be you 0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:45.320 want to meet your own standard. And it's got to 0:19:45.359 --> 0:19:48.719 be pretty pretty eff and scary to think that this 0:19:48.840 --> 0:19:50.920 might continue to a point where you couldn't come close 0:19:50.960 --> 0:19:53.880 to what you have been doing. Yeah, and that's where 0:19:53.880 --> 0:19:57.000 you're losing your identity. Like am I still at the 0:19:57.000 --> 0:20:00.240 top of my game? And there would be moments where 0:20:00.359 --> 0:20:04.200 I would have these memory lapses and Pauli's my producer, 0:20:04.680 --> 0:20:07.560 and Paully would turn his microphone in on into my 0:20:07.600 --> 0:20:12.119 headphones and say, uh, Mark Cuban or uh you know, 0:20:12.119 --> 0:20:14.119 he'd say at Lanta Hawks because he could tell I 0:20:14.160 --> 0:20:16.320 was getting to a point where I go where where 0:20:16.400 --> 0:20:19.320 am I? So when you leave here, it's not like 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:22.200 it's just nobody sees it when you leave here. That's 0:20:22.200 --> 0:20:25.200 where I was like, God, I can't remember what's going on? 0:20:25.800 --> 0:20:27.600