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Speaker 1: Breaking, just waking up in the morning. Gotta thank god.

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Speaker 2: I don't know what today seems kind of I no

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Speaker 2: barking from the dot, no small and Mama cooked the

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Speaker 2: breakfast with no home. I got my girl up home,

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Speaker 2: but didn't dig out. Finally got a call from a

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Speaker 2: girl want to dig out, so hooked it up later

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Speaker 2: as I hit the dog, thinking will I live another

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Speaker 2: twenty Fuck?

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Speaker 1: I gotta, I got.

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Speaker 3: I'm doing it. Welcome back to good Mom's bad Choices.

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Speaker 4: I am Erica, I'm Nila, and Wednesday I cool. I always

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Speaker 4: say Happy Wednesday. You do, and you know it's not

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Speaker 4: we Wednesday, but so happy Wednesday for them, Happy home Day.

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Speaker 4: It's Tuesday. Yeah, what's up? What's up?

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Speaker 2: Girl?

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Speaker 4: Naa? How was your weekend?

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Speaker 3: My weekend was good. I want a date? It was good.

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Speaker 4: Oh yeah, we went on a date with a mutual

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Speaker 4: friend of mine. Well he's not really a friend, it's

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Speaker 4: like an acquaintance. He's waiting for you to talk about it.

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Speaker 4: I know.

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Speaker 5: And I told him, I said, I've never been on

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Speaker 5: a date with someone who has listened to my podcast.

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Speaker 5: And then I want a date and now, and I said,

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Speaker 5: I usually when I go on dates and I tell

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Speaker 5: guys I have a podcast. I intentionally don't talk about

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Speaker 5: it for like three weeks so in case they try

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Speaker 5: to listen and they hear about themselves. But I'm gonna

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Speaker 5: go ahead and say it was a really good date.

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Speaker 5: So it's okay, except at the end. I got blackout

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Speaker 5: drum just a favorite the whole time, but just a

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Speaker 5: slight black, just like blacked out.

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Speaker 3: But what a nice guy.

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Speaker 4: He walked me to the door.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, he's really sweet and he's trembling lip Bay's friend.

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Speaker 3: That's how I've met him one time, but we didn't

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Speaker 3: really talk.

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Speaker 4: So we really got to know each other. It was

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Speaker 4: really interesting.

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Speaker 5: He gave me some really good topics for the show.

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Speaker 5: I forgot them, but we're going to go back to that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, just a really nice guy.

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Speaker 5: And he's he's not black, so I was like, have

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Speaker 5: you ever did a black woman before? I don't know

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Speaker 5: why I asked all non black guys that, and I

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Speaker 5: was like, I don't know why I asked that.

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Speaker 4: Sorry, you need to know.

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Speaker 3: I didn't need to know, and he said, yeah, he

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Speaker 3: actually has.

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Speaker 4: He got I. Oh you like that brown sugar, he said,

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Speaker 4: I like, you.

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Speaker 5: Know, he likes what he likes, he likes, he likes all,

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Speaker 5: which I'm cool with that.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, and I did that. I this is the bad

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Speaker 6: part about the black jout. I wasn't gonna go ahead

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Speaker 6: and say it, but I already started.

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Speaker 7: So the next morning and I woke up, my friend

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Speaker 7: was like looking at me all crazy because I went

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Speaker 7: back to her house because we hung out down the street.

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Speaker 3: She's like, you broke your thing last night.

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Speaker 4: I was like what.

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Speaker 3: She's like, you broke your detox, you had sex.

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Speaker 4: I was like, no, I didn't. What are you talking about.

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Speaker 4: I actually don't.

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Speaker 5: Remember coming home, So what do you mean. She's like,

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Speaker 5: I heard you. I heard you. Then she even mapped

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Speaker 5: out how I did.

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Speaker 8: She's like, I came down here, looks in the couch.

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Speaker 8: I had a feeling he was probably like this. He

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Speaker 8: was like this, it's right here. I could tell look

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Speaker 8: at the rug. I was like, what kind of noises?

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Speaker 8: When she's like sex noises, I was like, are you sure?

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Speaker 8: She's like I'm positive.

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Speaker 3: I'm like.

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Speaker 4: Then I was like, how do I not even remember?

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Speaker 5: She's like that's not good, Like you need to text

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Speaker 5: him right now. It's like, I don't think so, girl.

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Speaker 5: I told him I haven't been having secks. She's like,

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Speaker 5: you trust me, I know. So I text him like,

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Speaker 5: I had a really good time last night?

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Speaker 4: Did we so embarrassing? Right? He's like no.

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Speaker 3: I was like, oh god, I know you're a good guy.

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Speaker 4: I knew you're a good guy.

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Speaker 5: And I was like, no, you're wrong now, and she's like,

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Speaker 5: what the fuck were you guys doing?

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Speaker 4: When Jamila told me the story, I was like wait what.

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Speaker 4: I was like, what sound? What were you doing down there?

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Speaker 4: What sounds like dry humping and like moaning.

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Speaker 5: I guess, but apparently I must get really dramatic when

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Speaker 5: I get black out drunk, So maybe everything was just

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Speaker 5: volumized by ten.

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Speaker 4: I don't really know. I'm not.

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Speaker 5: I had to have a really really conversation with myself

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Speaker 5: the next day about my drinking.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, do I have a.

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Speaker 5: Problem because I when I was like growing up, like

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Speaker 5: in high school, I used to black out and I

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Speaker 5: just think people were drugging me.

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Speaker 4: And then I quickly realized, no, it's you.

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Speaker 5: But on my defense, I think we had tapas, tapas whatever.

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Speaker 4: And when you so that to me on the phone

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Speaker 4: last night, I was going to correct you because I

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Speaker 4: was so annoyed I was like, oh my god, she

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Speaker 4: sounds so Caucasian. Right now, Tappa, you have the tapa?

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Speaker 4: Did you have some tapas?

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Speaker 5: I was like, what, Okay, Tafa's tapas the same ship.

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Speaker 3: We had some tappas, and you know, my stomach is

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Speaker 3: set up.

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Speaker 4: I think I needed like a fool meal. I don't.

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Speaker 5: I can't like drink on a tapa. I need like potatoes,

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Speaker 5: rice meat. And then I had like bourbon and then

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Speaker 5: I sold it. Also, the bartender at the bar we

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Speaker 5: went to likes me for like a long time, and

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Speaker 5: I'm pretty sure he oversoved me on purpose, so I

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Speaker 5: can get sloppy drunk on my day.

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Speaker 4: But that's such a good one. She'll never be back

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Speaker 4: here with him again, right d.

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Speaker 5: I'm like, make our start drinks, okay, Tom, he he

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Speaker 5: was really cool. I'm not going to mix liquors on

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Speaker 5: any more first dates. Luckily, I think he still likes me.

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Speaker 5: And yeah, that was a success. But other than that,

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Speaker 5: I just chilled all weekend, hung out with the baby,

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Speaker 5: and you know.

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Speaker 4: That was pretty much how was your weekend? It was amazing.

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Speaker 4: I went to Joshua Tree with Happy Bay and his

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Speaker 4: best friend. Happy Bay his best friend and it was

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Speaker 4: a couple's trip. It was so beautiful. Had we went

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Speaker 4: to this dope ass airbnb. It was like in the

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Speaker 4: middle of nowhere, super modern, crazy, just like expansive views.

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Speaker 4: It was a chakouzie. It was fucking amazing. Then we

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Speaker 4: went to the National Park, which it's not really a park,

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Speaker 4: it's just a gate and then they make you pay

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Speaker 4: to enter, which just the desert. But it's so beautiful.

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Speaker 4: And I've been to Joshua Tree a few times cause

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Speaker 4: that's where I had my maternity shoot. I've been there

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Speaker 4: with friends. I've been there for like, they have a

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Speaker 4: really cool venue out there that they have, like bybe

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Speaker 4: do live music. So we went on a hike, you know,

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Speaker 4: we took some we might have ate something some magic

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Speaker 4: mushrooms or something of that sort. Possibly Basically we did

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Speaker 4: mushrooms and it was beautiful. It was beautiful. Wasn't as

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Speaker 4: visual as like I would have liked, but it was

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Speaker 4: very meditative. Did a chocolate form or they were chocolate,

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Speaker 4: which I normally don't. I I usually just eat them

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Speaker 4: straight up, but these were chocolate, and I wonder if

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Speaker 4: that's why they were more mild.

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Speaker 9: Actually, I think that is true. There are more mouth

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Speaker 9: I really like the chocolate ones. Maybe it just was

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Speaker 9: like a mouth.

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Speaker 4: No, they were They tasted delicious. There were these little unicorns.

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Speaker 4: Oh that's so cute. I want them. But usually when

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Speaker 4: I eat like actual like new mushrooms, I feel like

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Speaker 4: it's a little it's stronger, which was fine. I didn't

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Speaker 4: need to be crazy. I just wanted to like chill, focus, reflect.

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Speaker 4: I thought about us a lot, you know. I did

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Speaker 4: my own thing, wandered away, came back. Me and Happy

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Speaker 4: Bay had our like you know moments. It was great. Happy.

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Speaker 4: I went glad to be back. And that was my weekend.

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Speaker 4: That's about it.

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Speaker 10: Cool.

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Speaker 9: Yeah are you Oh also this thinking you're going to Coachella?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, can you stop with the energies this weekend, I'm

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Speaker 4: going to Coachell. I'm going with my brother, which I'm

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Speaker 4: excited about. It's just I didn't realize when I planned

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Speaker 4: my trip to Joshua Tree, I was like also going

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Speaker 4: to I forgot that, like, oh yeah, I'm going back

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Speaker 4: to the desert again. I know, And I was just

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Speaker 4: like it's too much. I'm also working. But it's gonna

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Speaker 4: be fun. It's gonna be great.

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Speaker 5: I'm gonna meet you if you got me on the

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Speaker 5: list for the party, I'm coming, okay, and yeah it'll be.

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Speaker 3: Fun and maybe I'll bring some magic something in my pocket.

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Speaker 4: Okay, anyway, we have a special guest we do. Hello,

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Speaker 4: introduce yourself, Kimmy. I am Kimberly Valentine and I'm here

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Speaker 4: with these lovely moms. Thank you for having me, of course,

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Speaker 4: and Kimmy is also a mom, and she reached out

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Speaker 4: to us. She slid into our d am Yes, successful slide, guys,

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Speaker 4: it works.

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Speaker 5: We're the queen of it's sliding at the.

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Speaker 3: Oh give me carent events.

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Speaker 4: No, we're not gonna talk about Oh well, can we

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Speaker 4: finish introducing? Oh okay, okay, yeah, we're good. We can

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Speaker 4: get there. Moving on. Introduced. I'm a mom of three.

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Speaker 4: I feel like I'm raising literally like three generations of kids.

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Speaker 4: That is, it is a big like they're all gapped out.

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Speaker 4: Eighteen eleven two and you're young. Yes, I started. I

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Speaker 4: started when I was his age. I became a mom

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Speaker 4: at seventeen years old. I literally had him. My due

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Speaker 4: date was my senior prom. Wow. And I had him

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Speaker 4: because he came le stepper And I should have known

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Speaker 4: I had him two days before my high school graduation,

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Speaker 4: so I didn't get to walk the stage.

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Speaker 3: Did you go to prom?

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Speaker 4: I did not. My friends bought me like an ugly

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Speaker 4: oversize from Lomans, like it used to be a store

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Speaker 4: near the Beverly Center. Yeah, yeah, like just a big

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Speaker 4: old dress. And I was like, I'm not going to

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Speaker 4: be the one to have my kid on the floor.

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Speaker 4: So I decided not to go. But I had him,

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Speaker 4: like I said, two days before graduation, which was exciting

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Speaker 4: and saddening all at once. Yeah. Teen moms is like,

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Speaker 4: you guys are rock stars. You can do it. I'm

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Speaker 4: getting to the finish line. And then I was like, oh,

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Speaker 4: just kidding.

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Speaker 5: Well right, just kidding. Whoops, I can't let you do that.

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Speaker 5: But I'm good. But I was like, that's that's amazing.

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Speaker 4: I got caught up with that little one, the last one.

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Speaker 4: No I would. I went on a vacation with my Bay,

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Speaker 4: but we spent a week in Miami, like a weekend.

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Speaker 4: It's fine for Bay. A week with your girlfriends in

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Speaker 4: Miami totally live it up, have fun. But a week

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Speaker 4: with Bay and all that, like tropical weather, it's hot,

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Speaker 4: you want to be naked all the time, like, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 4: I had my daughter was in Jamaica six days yep,

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Speaker 4: six days in Jamaica. Boo, yeah, yes, yes, I feel

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Speaker 4: like because that is what this baby is. But so

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Speaker 4: when you okay, so back to being you being a

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Speaker 4: teen mom, Like, so you got pregnant your senior year

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Speaker 4: of got I got pregnant homecoming ooh girl, my daughter's

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Speaker 4: not going. And so your baby daddy was your boyfriend

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Speaker 4: at the time. Yeah, I've known him since I was twelve. Okay.

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Speaker 4: We were from the same neighborhood. His grandmother lived around

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Speaker 4: the corner from my grandmother. So we met like walking

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Speaker 4: home from school, like all the kids in that neighborhood

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Speaker 4: knew each other. Where'd you grow up in West l

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Speaker 4: a mid city specifically, Yes, so all the kids knew

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Speaker 4: each other. So we were like walking home. He's like,

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Speaker 4: hey girl. He and I fell for it like a second, right, yeah,

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Speaker 4: And he was like a tall boy, you know that's

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Speaker 4: my thing. So I was like me, I believe I

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Speaker 4: lied initially and said you were older than anymore, said

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Speaker 4: I was like probably fifteen because I looked fifteen and

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Speaker 4: he was sixteen or seventeen, And so I lied, and

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Speaker 4: I was able to live the life for a year.

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Speaker 4: Oh but then it was my thirteenth birthday and a boy,

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Speaker 4: you better be here. Oh my god. So was he

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Speaker 4: like was he like mad or shocked or well? He

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Speaker 4: loved me. So he was like how old? How old

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Speaker 4: were you even watched Virginity?

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Speaker 2: Then?

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Speaker 4: Did you lose your virginat to him? Yeah and very

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Speaker 4: early fourteen? Yeah, so you waited two years dating before

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Speaker 4: you Well he was like, you're not even high school.

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Speaker 4: I'm not having sex with you. I wanted to. I

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Speaker 4: felt like I was ready and I knew all the

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Speaker 4: stuff him. Yeah, like, well because I wanted to do it,

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Speaker 4: Like I was like, I want to have sex. And

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Speaker 4: so he was like girl, please, like you're not even

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Speaker 4: high school. Like, hit me up when you get to

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Speaker 4: high school and I can call you past eight o'clock.

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Speaker 4: So when you uh finally did how did you lose

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Speaker 4: your virginity? M in a mobile home and parked in

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Speaker 4: his parents backyard Like I didch, I ditched school and

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Speaker 4: we went to the mobile.

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Speaker 5: First of all, why parents have a mobile because they

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Speaker 5: they owned one like park.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, so they didn't park the park in the back.

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Speaker 4: You had your own little hotel. Situation is a class

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Speaker 4: the most virgin stories. Backyard, Yeah yeah, theater, dressing room,

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Speaker 4: a little privacy, had a door, closed windows. Yeah, it

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Speaker 4: was like a home. It was like a little studio. Yeah.

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Speaker 4: So the mobile. Did you tell your mom? No? No, no, no.

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Speaker 4: So that's a funny story too. I am raised by

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Speaker 4: my dad and my stepmom. My mother there left me

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Speaker 4: and all her kids when I was nine years old

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Speaker 4: for drugs, and she like, we all separated because we

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Speaker 4: all have different dads, So dad, we all went with whomever.

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Speaker 4: I went with my dad fortunately, and then she's never

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Speaker 4: returned to us, never seen her. I've seen her, but

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Speaker 4: she's never returned like that person.

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Speaker 3: It was not it's not who your mom was.

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Speaker 4: Correct, So she's still currently struggling with Yes, yes, she's

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Speaker 4: still living an addictive lifestyle. But so I was raised

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Speaker 4: by my dad and my step on, And of course

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Speaker 4: I didn't tell them like they were they were not

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Speaker 4: getting those beans. They did. They have a talk with

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Speaker 4: you about sex when you were young. It ended up

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Speaker 4: being very dramatic. Why even have his baby is like

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Speaker 4: a thing Because I ran away, his family took me in.

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Speaker 4: It was like you were pregnant at that time. No,

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Speaker 4: I ran away though, like from my parents restricting me

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Speaker 4: from being with him because because he was at that

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Speaker 4: point probably he was an adult. Yeah, he was over

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Speaker 4: eighteen and over eighteen, and you graduated high school and

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Speaker 4: I was barely entering high school. Plus they saw what

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Speaker 4: I should have saw, that hindsight twenty twenty thing they knew, like, oh,

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Speaker 4: this is not it. Well, you were fourteen, clearly you

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Speaker 4: have seen it. There's no way, O. God, I didn't

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Speaker 4: know enough. And the relationship with my parents, while they

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Speaker 4: did rescue me from like a very negative environment. When

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Speaker 4: I went to their home, I went into a like

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Speaker 4: a different environment. I wasn't like they weren't coached, like

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Speaker 4: get her some counseling. She's seen a lot. So I

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Speaker 4: went from like your parents weren't yes, right, So I

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Speaker 4: went an environment where I went from an environment where

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Speaker 4: I was scamming to like keep my mom's secret of secret.

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Speaker 4: So I was scamming with her. So having like you know,

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Speaker 4: access to like adult things. What do you mean because

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Speaker 4: episode scamming was kissing right right, right? I remember that

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Speaker 4: from the nineties, But I mean, like legit today is

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Speaker 4: scamming like lying to school officials adults who could keep

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Speaker 4: this adult secret right because you were you were living

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Speaker 4: with your mother. Correct, Okay, So I went from like

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Speaker 4: having access to adult things. Our house was like the

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Speaker 4: party spot. We got a babysitter that we found off

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Speaker 4: the street, Like, Mom, we found a babysitter. She's fifteen.

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Speaker 4: You don't have to come home if you don't want to.

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Speaker 4: We're tired of you locked up in the bathroom, so

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Speaker 4: you can go. Just go and she'll be here. She

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Speaker 4: got cook for us, and my mom was like will

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Speaker 4: you and she was like yes, because she was a runway.

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Speaker 4: She need she needed a place to day. So was

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Speaker 4: she a good person? She stole my sister's chains, like

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Speaker 4: all her gold chains. So but so I went from

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Speaker 4: that type of lifestyle where all the kids, all the

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Speaker 4: runaways came and hung out at our house, to like rules.

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Speaker 5: Rules, rules, but no one had dealt with what you

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Speaker 5: had already dealt with, no.

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Speaker 4: One dealt with anything, and then having like adult rule,

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Speaker 4: like very tight, tight, tight strict rules. And then I

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Speaker 4: was like overdeveloped for a young person, and no one

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Speaker 4: talked to me about that, Like everyone thought I knew

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Speaker 4: because of your environment prior, well, because I was old

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Speaker 4: enough to know. Like if like you look at a

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Speaker 4: child and you're like, that child's ten eleven, that child knows.

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Speaker 4: But I know when I wasn't getting raised back home

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Speaker 4: when I was a child, you weren't those things weren't

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Speaker 4: and being instilled in you. The things that maybe a

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Speaker 4: typical ten or eleven year old was correct, you weren't correct.

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Speaker 4: So I was being taught to lie. I was being

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Speaker 4: taught shut up, you don't talk nothing, you don't repeat

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Speaker 4: what happens in the household, correct, none of that. So

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Speaker 4: I was being taught those things, and then I went

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Speaker 4: to an environment where they're like open up, and I'm like,

335
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Speaker 4: you the fits. You're the reason I'm not with my mama.

336
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Speaker 4: Like so it was like a negative even though I

337
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,239
Speaker 4: was removed from a negative environment, I went into a

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Speaker 4: negative situation. Well what you thought was negative because yeah,

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Speaker 4: well because it wasn't handled properly, Like even for myself,

340
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Speaker 4: I can take full responsibility. But like like I said,

341
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Speaker 4: no one told my parents like, oh, you guys should

342
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Speaker 4: get her some counseling. She's probably really seen and dealt

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Speaker 4: with a lot, or you know, like no one told

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Speaker 4: them that they were just like they were just like

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Speaker 4: she's good, she's here now. For example, I stopped talking

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Speaker 4: for maybe like a year really because after like maybe

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Speaker 4: a month or two of being there, my dad was like,

348
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Speaker 4: so wouldn't you start calling your mom mom now like

349
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Speaker 4: my stepmom, who I do refer to mom as now.

350
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Speaker 4: But at that time, at that time.

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Speaker 3: I was like, excuse me, and that made you to

352
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Speaker 3: stop talking.

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Speaker 4: I wasn't gonna address her what you didn't talk period

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Speaker 4: or just mostly just to her, but like like I

355
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Speaker 4: became like a muted child, like yes, no, you know,

356
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Speaker 4: I wasn't expressing yourself, expressing myself. But I also wasn't

357
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Speaker 4: like rude or disrespectful if you asked me something. But

358
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:19,320
Speaker 4: I would never ask for anything like legitimate needs like

359
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,680
Speaker 4: oh I need this. I'm not speaking up and saying

360
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Speaker 4: hey I need this.

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Speaker 3: Did do you remember when you made that decision?

362
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Speaker 4: Like I just don't want to talk anymore, like what

363
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:29,800
Speaker 4: was what was your I was sitting in a drive

364
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Speaker 4: through ed McDonald's and he was like having a conversation

365
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Speaker 4: with you, and You're like, okay, this is And after

366
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Speaker 4: he said that, I literally like looked out the window

367
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:40,080
Speaker 4: and checked out, like I went on robot and how

368
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Speaker 4: old are you around then nine?

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Speaker 5: But you know what I've I've hear, I've heard about

370
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Speaker 5: kids like something happening and then them going mute, like

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Speaker 5: you know whose story that is?

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Speaker 4: Hm, Maya Angela.

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Speaker 9: Oh, she didn't talk for like a couple of year

374
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Speaker 9: or over a year, but that's because she was raped.

375
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Speaker 9: And then like a little bit later, the rapist got

376
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Speaker 9: murdered or something and she thought her voice killed him,

377
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,679
Speaker 9: so she stopped talking. But a lot of times with

378
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Speaker 9: traumatic situations, kids will just will shut off.

379
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Speaker 4: Right, So then that turned into like stress for me

380
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,680
Speaker 4: not having an outlet, and I remember having to have

381
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,600
Speaker 4: like go to the doctor because I would get these horrible,

382
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Speaker 4: horrible pains. And the doctor was like, she's like looking

383
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,160
Speaker 4: at me because I look, you know, healthy, and I'm here,

384
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,480
Speaker 4: I'm here with my parents at the doctor and they're

385
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Speaker 4: like these are stress headaches. Like the doctor was so

386
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,960
Speaker 4: puzzled like what she stressed about, But he didn't really

387
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,320
Speaker 4: know your background, no, and he didn't even question it.

388
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Speaker 3: He was like, no one said she started the therapist.

389
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:44,439
Speaker 4: Yeah, no one, No one addressed that issue. So it

390
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,280
Speaker 4: was like she just doesn't want to talk, Yeah, and

391
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:51,240
Speaker 4: she's having headaches. Yeah, but I mean like breaking down headaches,

392
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Speaker 4: Like I'd be like get broken down to my knees

393
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,760
Speaker 4: in pain of like I can't like someone is as

394
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:01,879
Speaker 4: their like you know, the pressure of the headache, and

395
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:05,240
Speaker 4: it was literally stressed, and I was like, this is ridiculous.

396
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,720
Speaker 4: And then I think I went from that mode to

397
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:12,360
Speaker 4: entering like injuring puberty, like it was just a waves

398
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,680
Speaker 4: of transition and back to back. So I went from

399
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:24,000
Speaker 4: that into puberty into motherhood like shit, so I'm just

400
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:33,440
Speaker 4: I'm five years old. Well so when how like how

401
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:35,480
Speaker 4: did how do you how did you deal with that

402
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,960
Speaker 4: like going through like as an adult, like did you

403
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,840
Speaker 4: have you sought therapy or like how Yes, totally totally

404
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,760
Speaker 4: because I realized, like there are things that I see vividly,

405
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,760
Speaker 4: like as a dreamer in my mind that like I

406
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,560
Speaker 4: was in diapers, there's no one who really has a

407
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,920
Speaker 4: memory of them in diapers, Like I got to let

408
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,840
Speaker 4: some of this go. So I did, as an adult

409
00:21:55,920 --> 00:22:01,760
Speaker 4: seek therapy SK therapy probably about nineteen because I was

410
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,399
Speaker 4: the transition from being with my son's father and I

411
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,880
Speaker 4: thought like, this is the hardest thing I've ever had

412
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Speaker 4: to do.

413
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:10,520
Speaker 3: I did not even think of consider your childhood.

414
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,560
Speaker 4: I didn't even consider my childhood. I didn't even consider

415
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:17,480
Speaker 4: like that my son's father, and I wouldn't make it

416
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:21,679
Speaker 4: like when when I gave him my virginity, when I

417
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,960
Speaker 4: gave him a son. I thought, this is it, Like

418
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,000
Speaker 4: I'm going to marry this man. We're gonna be high

419
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:29,560
Speaker 4: school sweethearts, even though I'm the only one in high school,

420
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:33,160
Speaker 4: Like this is going to be the rest of my life,

421
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:38,679
Speaker 4: like his parents owned a home in Windsor Hills, Like

422
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:42,359
Speaker 4: we're going to get this passed down, Like I'm gonna

423
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,679
Speaker 4: I gotta find a job in a career and let

424
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:49,600
Speaker 4: school for my kid, because this is it. And I was, well,

425
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:53,000
Speaker 4: I thought I was mentally prepared to take that on,

426
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:57,320
Speaker 4: like oh yeah, because I could do this, right, I

427
00:22:57,359 --> 00:22:59,199
Speaker 4: mean high school. You can't tell it high school? No,

428
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:02,040
Speaker 4: but nothing. We think were so grown, I know, and

429
00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:04,720
Speaker 4: especially you dating an older man, you really think you're grown,

430
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,199
Speaker 4: I mean right, and so so when you were so

431
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:10,639
Speaker 4: basically back to like you basically running away. So you

432
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:14,040
Speaker 4: ran away because your parents weren't approving of your relationship,

433
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:17,080
Speaker 4: and his parents took you in mm hmm, like and

434
00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:20,560
Speaker 4: then around what age was that that was like fourteen fifteen,

435
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:24,200
Speaker 4: fourteen fifteen, and how long were you there for? Not long?

436
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,600
Speaker 4: Maybe I ran away and I had no intentions of

437
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:32,200
Speaker 4: coming back. When eventually police got involved in that whole situation,

438
00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:34,520
Speaker 4: like they were like this is ridiculous, Kimberly, like where

439
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:37,280
Speaker 4: the fuck are you at? Yeah, and they didn't know,

440
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,320
Speaker 4: and so then they found out because I had gotten

441
00:23:41,359 --> 00:23:44,840
Speaker 4: so comfortable, like being gone, that I started socializing with

442
00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:48,520
Speaker 4: friends and like yeah, like oh, let's go have a kickback.

443
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,600
Speaker 4: And so then they start like asking your friends, yeah,

444
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,119
Speaker 4: and putting the pressure on my friends, and then my

445
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:57,240
Speaker 4: friends buckled and brought them to where I was. Was

446
00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:00,640
Speaker 4: your boyfriend's house? Correct? And that was and it got

447
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:03,919
Speaker 4: intense because like they came with police. They can't like

448
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:11,119
Speaker 4: and yeah, like correct, well also were the police, I

449
00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:13,840
Speaker 4: mean because he was you're underage and he yes. So

450
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,920
Speaker 4: the statutory rape was a real thing we had to

451
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,160
Speaker 4: like live through. No, no, no, it totally was a thing.

452
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:25,240
Speaker 4: Like the him No, but his parents came and told

453
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,040
Speaker 4: me like, you know, we were just trying to help you,

454
00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:29,320
Speaker 4: but you you're making it high. You gotta go, Like

455
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:34,040
Speaker 4: how my son get in trouble? Yeah, so like, who

456
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:34,480
Speaker 4: are his.

457
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:37,600
Speaker 5: Parents that they thought it would be okay that a

458
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:39,760
Speaker 5: fourteen year old was coming to live with them and

459
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,080
Speaker 5: they didn't think, let me call our parents and what

460
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:43,800
Speaker 5: is Maybe they didn't know how old you were.

461
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:47,400
Speaker 4: I don't know, no, I'm I'm most certain they knew

462
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,639
Speaker 4: how old I was. They knew I was coming ditching

463
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:52,400
Speaker 4: school with a backpack to come see that fun.

464
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:54,320
Speaker 3: Do you think they just didn't really care no better?

465
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:57,600
Speaker 4: Probably didn't really care no better or didn't think it

466
00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,400
Speaker 4: would go that far? And I thought like, oh, they

467
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,840
Speaker 4: like she do what she wants anyway, like n's got

468
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,440
Speaker 4: grown like no one cares. So maybe they didn't know

469
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:10,440
Speaker 4: like that there was a family that cared about you. Yeah,

470
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 4: that cared about me, And probably I probably gave that impression.

471
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:19,520
Speaker 4: I probably like extra super put that out there on

472
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:21,800
Speaker 4: them like that, like they don't care. You know, I

473
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:27,600
Speaker 4: hate Yeah, you know I never got beat. She slapped

474
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:33,200
Speaker 4: me right right. I can't believe him he let her

475
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:37,159
Speaker 4: my daddy. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure I was super extra

476
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:43,479
Speaker 4: manipulative because I knew how to be from my mind right, yes, correct,

477
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:46,520
Speaker 4: So I knew that, you know, they probably just they

478
00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,560
Speaker 4: probably wanted to put a blanket in a teddy bear,

479
00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:51,119
Speaker 4: you know, in my hands, like don't let the camera

480
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,479
Speaker 4: see here, like you know, tuck me out like the victim.

481
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,879
Speaker 4: They didn't know. I probably really did, now that you

482
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,960
Speaker 4: make your reflect on it. We really did put that

483
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:01,520
Speaker 4: on things.

484
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:04,760
Speaker 3: So did So you went back home and then you

485
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:05,560
Speaker 3: got pregnant later.

486
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:12,360
Speaker 4: Yes, I continued the forbidden relationship and I got pregnant

487
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:17,280
Speaker 4: at homecoming, which was so gross because my son's godmother

488
00:26:17,359 --> 00:26:19,600
Speaker 4: and her boyfriend were like smoking a blunt in the bed.

489
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:23,880
Speaker 4: It was we were like in motels. No, we've had

490
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:27,159
Speaker 4: this conversation about because there's no really place to have it,

491
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,400
Speaker 4: so you had in group settings. It's not like you're

492
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:31,119
Speaker 4: having an orgy. It's just like people are just their

493
00:26:31,119 --> 00:26:34,200
Speaker 4: own corners. Well the lights were off there over there

494
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,320
Speaker 4: in their beds smoking a blunt. We're over here in

495
00:26:36,359 --> 00:26:41,119
Speaker 4: our bed having sex but having conversation. Oh god, like

496
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,119
Speaker 4: I mean, I guess, I don't know. It's just the

497
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:46,960
Speaker 4: same as like both fucking like oh yeah, I've never

498
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:51,480
Speaker 4: but I could imagine that if if if I, if

499
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:53,760
Speaker 4: I was dating like a younger guy like my friends were.

500
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:55,440
Speaker 4: They were dating guys our age I was dating a

501
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,359
Speaker 4: guy out of high school. So I imagine if I

502
00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:01,080
Speaker 4: was dating someone that they were like in our peer group,

503
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:04,320
Speaker 4: we would have been doing that. Yeah, definitely, and there

504
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:05,840
Speaker 4: was probably happy that he was old enough to get

505
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:10,600
Speaker 4: the guy. Damn hotel, right, yeah, one guy was from

506
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:12,520
Speaker 4: at the hotel. We're good and well about alcohol.

507
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:13,320
Speaker 3: Get the four.

508
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,920
Speaker 4: So when you found out you were pregnant? What what

509
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,119
Speaker 4: was that when you scared? Were you? I was happy?

510
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:26,400
Speaker 4: I was happy appreciate Well, I knew because I didn't

511
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,080
Speaker 4: know what the fuck I was about to sign up for.

512
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,960
Speaker 4: I knew that I would be a better mom than

513
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:34,359
Speaker 4: my mother, and that you and Hi would now be

514
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:38,280
Speaker 4: together forever. Well, I didn't care about him so much

515
00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:41,400
Speaker 4: in the pregnancy part of it because we it's high

516
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,520
Speaker 4: school drama. We broke up, got back together if I

517
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:46,719
Speaker 4: wore something cute. I was a whore, you know, like

518
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,920
Speaker 4: I couldn't be popping one day at school and he

519
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,199
Speaker 4: come picked me up, and then who's trying to keep

520
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,719
Speaker 4: for you know, all that drama. So it was like

521
00:27:54,119 --> 00:27:56,480
Speaker 4: he broke up with me at nutrition and then at

522
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:59,920
Speaker 4: lunch we're back together. So all that high school was

523
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:06,040
Speaker 4: stressful and stupid as hell when it came to my relationship,

524
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:10,560
Speaker 4: so I didn't think like I will be together forever,

525
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:12,960
Speaker 4: but I knew I would be out of my parents' home.

526
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:16,320
Speaker 4: So I was like, they were gonna kick you out, okay,

527
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:18,560
Speaker 4: like I knew that. That was like, Oh, if you

528
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,959
Speaker 4: got pregnant, it's done. Yeah, did that happen? Yes. I

529
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,400
Speaker 4: told my parents I was pregnant on a Wednesday and

530
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:27,200
Speaker 4: I was moved out on a Saturday. Did they try

531
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:31,680
Speaker 4: to where to his house? So they gets you back?

532
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:34,000
Speaker 3: Then you get pregnant and said, all right, you're done?

533
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:34,400
Speaker 4: Wait?

534
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:36,240
Speaker 5: Did they did they try to convince you not to

535
00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 5: keep the baby? Of course, and You're like, I'm keeping

536
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:40,600
Speaker 5: my baby. You cannot make me and at that point

537
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:42,120
Speaker 5: like you cannot live here with me.

538
00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:44,680
Speaker 4: Well, the first thing out of my stepmom's house when

539
00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:46,640
Speaker 4: my dad woke up because I waited for my dad

540
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:50,280
Speaker 4: one night to come in from work to tell him

541
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:54,520
Speaker 4: and got scared for you. Yeah, oh my god, because

542
00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:56,600
Speaker 4: I was I was putting it off and putting it off.

543
00:28:56,640 --> 00:29:05,720
Speaker 4: And how far long we're super new, super like eight weeks? Yeah.

544
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:09,240
Speaker 4: But I had told my boyfriend at the time and

545
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:11,600
Speaker 4: his family, so they were like, you gotta tell him,

546
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:16,320
Speaker 4: like because of the whole statutory rate thing. They wanted

547
00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:18,520
Speaker 4: like let's get this. If there's gonna be something that

548
00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:21,120
Speaker 4: comes behind it, let's deal with it now, like in

549
00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:24,160
Speaker 4: the beginning. And maybe they were hoping that I didn't

550
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,160
Speaker 4: keep the baby too because they knew that their son

551
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:30,320
Speaker 4: wasn't ready. But whatever the case was, they were more

552
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:35,320
Speaker 4: supportive of whatever needed to be done. I knew my parents'

553
00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:41,480
Speaker 4: reaction would be, oh no, not here, just a side story.

554
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,560
Speaker 4: I knew because I had tried to at after the

555
00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:49,240
Speaker 4: runaway thing. I tried to emancipate myself. So I went

556
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:51,840
Speaker 4: and I thought I was super grown, Like I'm not

557
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:58,080
Speaker 4: to get emancipated the word Wait a minute, So I did.

558
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:02,720
Speaker 4: I literally did school and like got the paper sentiment

559
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:06,040
Speaker 4: in and they like, instead of they probably want to

560
00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:12,200
Speaker 4: clown me at the courthouse. So instead of like denying

561
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:14,360
Speaker 4: my paperwork because I didn't even send it in with

562
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:19,680
Speaker 4: the right fees, they legitimately like sent me back a

563
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:28,720
Speaker 4: court date is yours? I pressed records. Yes, it's on

564
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:35,880
Speaker 4: airplane mode, it's not recording. So instead of sending that

565
00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:40,560
Speaker 4: back the like denial of emancipation or like you didn't

566
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:45,240
Speaker 4: fill these forms out correctly, you idiot trying to get emancipated.

567
00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:48,200
Speaker 4: They gave me a date, so I did school like

568
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:50,880
Speaker 4: I'm finna go get emancipated, and they just wanted to

569
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:53,760
Speaker 4: laugh at me. Yes, they just wanted to see who

570
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:57,240
Speaker 4: is this little Henri bitch that wants to emancipate herself.

571
00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:00,440
Speaker 4: So I basically went down there and they were like,

572
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 4: you see where we highlighted this is how much you

573
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:08,640
Speaker 4: owe for us to even consider it. But yeah, because

574
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:13,680
Speaker 4: we're not, You're not ready for this. So and during

575
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:16,880
Speaker 4: that process of like knowing that I wasn't ready for emancipation,

576
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,760
Speaker 4: I knew like, Okay, well that's not gonna work for

577
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:20,840
Speaker 4: me getting out of here. How else while I get

578
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:24,080
Speaker 4: out of here and the baby was your ticket my

579
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,560
Speaker 4: ticket out. So when I got pregnant with this baby,

580
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:29,160
Speaker 4: I was like, oh, I'm keeping this baby like I'm

581
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:32,240
Speaker 4: out of here. Marsha IM's parents love me, They're gonna

582
00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:33,840
Speaker 4: keep me, take care of me. I'm gonna get on

583
00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:35,960
Speaker 4: my feet, I'm about to be pumping like I'm about

584
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:40,200
Speaker 4: to get my license. Like because I was always trying

585
00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:43,960
Speaker 4: to have a forbidden relationship I lied and snuck around

586
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:47,680
Speaker 4: a lot. Well, probably that relationship felt so comfortable to

587
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:50,360
Speaker 4: you because it was so it was forbidden, just like

588
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:53,440
Speaker 4: so much of you know, your relationship with your mom's secretive.

589
00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:59,160
Speaker 4: Lying it felt like I'm what I'm it's wrong. Yes,

590
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:02,080
Speaker 4: I didn't even think about that. That was so deep

591
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:06,280
Speaker 4: on so many levels, thank you, but yes, totally. And

592
00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:12,360
Speaker 4: because that happened, I couldn't wait to tell them. And

593
00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:15,680
Speaker 4: then the pressure from his family wanting to know what

594
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:19,800
Speaker 4: would they do and what was gonna happen, They like heavy,

595
00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:23,320
Speaker 4: you know, pressed me to tell. They're like because it

596
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:25,520
Speaker 4: was like maybe two other days that I was scheduled

597
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:27,960
Speaker 4: to tell my parents and I never did. I never

598
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,440
Speaker 4: went through with it, and so this day I was like, Okay,

599
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,320
Speaker 4: I gotta do it. And so I waited up for

600
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,600
Speaker 4: my dad. And the funniest thing, I love my dad.

601
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:40,480
Speaker 4: He's so funny. Sometimes I'm like sitting there like freaking out,

602
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:42,920
Speaker 4: like Dad, we have to talk, and He's like, come on,

603
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,080
Speaker 4: baby girl, you can do it, like spit it out,

604
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:47,680
Speaker 4: and I'm like, I don't know, Dad, Like this is bad,

605
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:49,680
Speaker 4: this is really really bad. You're not gonna look at

606
00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:51,640
Speaker 4: me the same and he looks at me and he

607
00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:57,240
Speaker 4: was like you're not gay, are you? And I'm like

608
00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:02,200
Speaker 4: I'm like no, like of all things right, like I

609
00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:03,840
Speaker 4: about to tell you something else.

610
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:09,360
Speaker 6: I wish I wish was gay.

611
00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:11,560
Speaker 4: And he was, and I was like no because I

612
00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:13,280
Speaker 4: didn't expect that. He was like, well, then we could

613
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:17,800
Speaker 4: talk about anything. And so that moment like helped it

614
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:23,200
Speaker 4: just come out, but the mood quick. He was like no,

615
00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:26,520
Speaker 4: like he was holding my hand like when I told

616
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:29,160
Speaker 4: him I wasn't gay, and then he like snatched that

617
00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:29,960
Speaker 4: ship back.

618
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:33,040
Speaker 5: Did he ever discuss Did they ever discussed the bird

619
00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:34,360
Speaker 5: control condoms?

620
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:35,280
Speaker 4: Yeah? Yeah?

621
00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:37,240
Speaker 3: So that was like we already told, we gave you

622
00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:39,040
Speaker 3: the right down and you're still yeah.

623
00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:43,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, So then what what happened next? Like it was

624
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:45,360
Speaker 4: just like all right, you're out, like I mean you

625
00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:48,160
Speaker 4: told So he went and woke up my mom to

626
00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:50,640
Speaker 4: tell her, like your daughter has something to tell you,

627
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:54,440
Speaker 4: and so he made me tell her and she was

628
00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:58,480
Speaker 4: like not in my house. Did they have kids together? Yes?

629
00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:01,560
Speaker 3: I have at that point. Did they have kids, yeah, yeah.

630
00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:04,560
Speaker 4: So I have two sisters that are the same age,

631
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:06,320
Speaker 4: one for my mom and one for my dad. So

632
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:11,920
Speaker 4: together no, so my mom's four kids all have different dads,

633
00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:14,920
Speaker 4: and they we dispersed. But then I went into a

634
00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:17,200
Speaker 4: situation where I already had a baby sister.

635
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:19,359
Speaker 3: Oh so when you got there, they had already had.

636
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:21,839
Speaker 4: Yeah, I had already knew her. She she was two

637
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:24,600
Speaker 4: when I went to them, so I already had a

638
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:27,520
Speaker 4: relationship with her and knew her and all that. Okay,

639
00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:31,640
Speaker 4: So so that was the point of why I couldn't

640
00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:34,520
Speaker 4: be there, because I couldn't set that example for.

641
00:34:34,719 --> 00:34:37,880
Speaker 5: Like, do you now, looking back as a mom, do

642
00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:39,680
Speaker 5: you feel like that was the right decision or do

643
00:34:39,719 --> 00:34:40,920
Speaker 5: you feel resentment towards her?

644
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:47,520
Speaker 4: For I think I felt resentment initially because I went

645
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:51,440
Speaker 4: into a whole different situation that I wasn't prepared for,

646
00:34:51,680 --> 00:34:55,680
Speaker 4: like verbal, Like I thought the lunchtime cry sessions and

647
00:34:55,800 --> 00:35:00,840
Speaker 4: nutrition breakups were like over. Because now we're living together.

648
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:04,640
Speaker 4: Oh my god, the abuse intensify and you don't even

649
00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:07,080
Speaker 4: know that it's abuse because you do it too, and

650
00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:11,719
Speaker 4: you can start doing it because you're used to. Yeah, yeah, totally.

651
00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:15,120
Speaker 4: And then it became humiliating because here I am, I'm

652
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:17,960
Speaker 4: the youngest person in this house. Everyone else is adults.

653
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:21,640
Speaker 4: It was it was a beautiful home with one brother

654
00:35:21,719 --> 00:35:23,839
Speaker 4: in that room, one brother in that room, parents in

655
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:26,400
Speaker 4: that room, and us in our room, like, oh, this

656
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:29,560
Speaker 4: is our room, Like my friends can come over here,

657
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:33,080
Speaker 4: they couldn't come to my parents' house like two and

658
00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:38,560
Speaker 4: then getting abused or humiliated or like just having a

659
00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:41,960
Speaker 4: spat like you know, a spat between your lover that's personal.

660
00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:44,560
Speaker 4: But then I'm like, we're sitting at the table with

661
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:47,440
Speaker 4: your mom and your daddy had two brothers, and everybody

662
00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:50,239
Speaker 4: is right here, and somebody else got something to say

663
00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:53,399
Speaker 4: about it too, because it's they house. That's what I'm saying.

664
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:56,040
Speaker 4: You're living now, You'll not okay, So you went from

665
00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:59,600
Speaker 4: your mom's rules to your dad and your stepmom's rules

666
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:03,000
Speaker 4: now to another home and they have a whole other

667
00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:05,200
Speaker 4: set of rules and way that they didn't want to

668
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:07,279
Speaker 4: live and the way that they want to raise their

669
00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:10,640
Speaker 4: son or their grand child. You know, like that must

670
00:36:10,719 --> 00:36:13,520
Speaker 4: be like so confusing, especially if you haven't dealt And

671
00:36:13,719 --> 00:36:16,480
Speaker 4: I wasn't with it, right, I'm sure I wasn't.

672
00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:18,479
Speaker 5: With I'm sure like this is not even like really

673
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:20,760
Speaker 5: now you're sorry, like, oh, this is not even my family, correct?

674
00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:25,080
Speaker 4: So that's during that time is when I felt like, oh,

675
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:27,040
Speaker 4: they should have never did this to me. But I

676
00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:29,840
Speaker 4: didn't take it as look what I got myself into.

677
00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:32,279
Speaker 3: But you're like, oh, now now we thought you were good,

678
00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:33,480
Speaker 3: but like this is their fault.

679
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:35,439
Speaker 4: Why would you feel well, why would you put me out?

680
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:35,680
Speaker 2: Like?

681
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:36,520
Speaker 4: Who are they?

682
00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:37,560
Speaker 8: Yeah?

683
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:40,319
Speaker 4: You don't even know these people. Oh so you said

684
00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:42,399
Speaker 4: your parents should have never done this to you. Yes,

685
00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:45,840
Speaker 4: that was my thought process when I was in emerged

686
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:48,080
Speaker 4: and all that. But I any point where they like

687
00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:57,680
Speaker 4: come home, come I I there were times where I

688
00:36:57,760 --> 00:36:59,960
Speaker 4: did go home, but I always ran back.

689
00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:04,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, because that's what That's what an abuse person does.

690
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:06,600
Speaker 4: So for a while I was burning out, my friends

691
00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:10,279
Speaker 4: like getting I would get it put out. We'll put

692
00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:12,239
Speaker 4: it like this, because dude was a player. I would

693
00:37:12,239 --> 00:37:15,680
Speaker 4: get put out on Fridays from the parents house. Yes,

694
00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:20,719
Speaker 4: and they would allow the parents would allow their Yeah,

695
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:23,759
Speaker 4: so what what what kind of parents would allow their

696
00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:26,239
Speaker 4: son to put their pregnant girlfriend out that they that

697
00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:32,600
Speaker 4: they took in them kind girl because they happen. So

698
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:37,160
Speaker 4: going to high school pregnant? What is that like? So

699
00:37:37,239 --> 00:37:39,080
Speaker 4: I checked out a regular high school and went to

700
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:40,320
Speaker 4: a pregnancy high school.

701
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:43,680
Speaker 11: There's a pregnancy high school a continuation school, yes, but

702
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:48,000
Speaker 11: you have to be pregnant or or already a mom

703
00:37:48,080 --> 00:37:52,000
Speaker 11: to go there. So you you're getting its independent studies

704
00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:53,920
Speaker 11: home school, yes.

705
00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:57,719
Speaker 3: But to be to be like like to be how

706
00:37:57,719 --> 00:37:58,719
Speaker 3: do you say what I'm trying to say?

707
00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,120
Speaker 4: Qualified? To go there? You have to like something? Wait,

708
00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:05,760
Speaker 4: a child, did you leave high school because you wanted

709
00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:08,880
Speaker 4: to or you asked to leave? Or well? So I

710
00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:13,960
Speaker 4: did know that I could leave and get done with

711
00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:15,680
Speaker 4: school and not have to go to school every day,

712
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:17,200
Speaker 4: because who wants to get up and go to school

713
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:19,480
Speaker 4: every day pregnant? I'm not an adult, so I'm not

714
00:38:19,600 --> 00:38:21,320
Speaker 4: used to getting up and going to work no matter

715
00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:25,040
Speaker 4: what to get a check, So at this point, who

716
00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:27,600
Speaker 4: wants to get I barely go into high school as

717
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:30,279
Speaker 4: it is. All I did was go to turn in

718
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:32,839
Speaker 4: work and to make sure I didn't get arrested for

719
00:38:32,960 --> 00:38:35,640
Speaker 4: ditching too much. So I'm barely going to high school.

720
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:38,160
Speaker 4: So going to high school pregnant was just not in

721
00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 4: the cards for me. So I went to a place

722
00:38:40,239 --> 00:38:42,759
Speaker 4: where I could go and do it independently, work at

723
00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:45,080
Speaker 4: my own schedule, and get it done so that I

724
00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:50,000
Speaker 4: wouldn't have to pro You're so basically, I checked myself out,

725
00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:54,879
Speaker 4: checked myself into the McAllister High School for Pregnant Girls,

726
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:58,520
Speaker 4: and then when I got my credits that I needed

727
00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:02,160
Speaker 4: to complete my senior year, I checked myself back and yes,

728
00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:03,799
Speaker 4: you like at your credit so just so you could do

729
00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:06,000
Speaker 4: all the things that end U didn't even doing it correct,

730
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:09,680
Speaker 4: and just so I can still have my diploma. And

731
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:12,960
Speaker 4: as a matter of fact, my diploma because I finished technically,

732
00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:15,640
Speaker 4: I finished high school in December of two thousand. I'm

733
00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:18,840
Speaker 4: class of two thousand and one, so my diploma says

734
00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:24,080
Speaker 4: two thousand, okay versus two thousand and one. How did

735
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:27,840
Speaker 4: you deal with like the judgments of like your classmates

736
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:30,080
Speaker 4: and or or did you I mean, I know you

737
00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:34,440
Speaker 4: weren't there, but like was that normal your friends or

738
00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:37,600
Speaker 4: like there were or even friends. Now, my first baby

739
00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:41,960
Speaker 4: daddy was pretty popular, okay, And so well, they like

740
00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:44,560
Speaker 4: you go to that high school. No, No, he went

741
00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:47,560
Speaker 4: to completely different high school. But we're all from the

742
00:39:47,560 --> 00:39:51,040
Speaker 4: same neighborhood. So like, if you're from mid City, you

743
00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:58,279
Speaker 4: go to like Fairfax Hamilton, LA High University, which is

744
00:39:58,320 --> 00:40:01,040
Speaker 4: where I went. So and if you were smarter, you

745
00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:09,319
Speaker 4: went to university. Yeah, so yeah, So like a lot

746
00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:12,480
Speaker 4: of girls knew. Everybody knew who my baby daddy was.

747
00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:15,359
Speaker 4: They would see him picking me up, right, So there

748
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:17,760
Speaker 4: were like a lot of girls that still liked him,

749
00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:22,160
Speaker 4: so they'd be like, oh, you know, the little high

750
00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:24,160
Speaker 4: school shit when you have a boyfriend that might be

751
00:40:24,239 --> 00:40:26,640
Speaker 4: kind of popping a little bit. So it was that,

752
00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:30,880
Speaker 4: but then it was also she having his baby what

753
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:33,960
Speaker 4: like they were questioning what this food saw on me?

754
00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:38,480
Speaker 4: Versus why are you having his baby? Like you wouldn't

755
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:40,160
Speaker 4: want to think about this, Like I didn't have friends

756
00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:42,840
Speaker 4: thinking that. I had people wanting to shit on me

757
00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:48,080
Speaker 4: because he was in a relationship with me, versus saying

758
00:40:48,239 --> 00:40:50,680
Speaker 4: like maybe you should rethink this or maybe you know

759
00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:53,759
Speaker 4: you have options or like I didn't have that. And

760
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,600
Speaker 4: then I had the friends of mine that just legitimately

761
00:40:56,680 --> 00:40:59,919
Speaker 4: like supported me, like whatever you do, we're a friend.

762
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:01,800
Speaker 4: And so did you know anyone at that time that

763
00:41:02,239 --> 00:41:04,080
Speaker 4: also was pregnant or had a baby or you were

764
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:07,160
Speaker 4: like the first of first of anyone you knew. No,

765
00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:10,920
Speaker 4: my sister had a baby at fifteen, even though she

766
00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:14,480
Speaker 4: was away in a different city in state with her situation,

767
00:41:15,160 --> 00:41:17,480
Speaker 4: Like I knew my neighbor but because of that, did

768
00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:19,279
Speaker 4: you see that and be like, oh, well I can

769
00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:21,879
Speaker 4: do this then, Like was that the example that you had.

770
00:41:22,520 --> 00:41:25,279
Speaker 4: I knew I could do it because I believe in me.

771
00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:32,799
Speaker 4: But like I said, it was very selfish. I knew

772
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:34,400
Speaker 4: I could get out of my parents' house and that

773
00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:37,319
Speaker 4: was like the bottom line, I want it out and

774
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:42,239
Speaker 4: no other way could get me out. So it was

775
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:46,319
Speaker 4: very selfish and vindictive, and I pay the price for

776
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:51,200
Speaker 4: it because I have to raise a human beings today currently. Yeah,

777
00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:54,680
Speaker 4: so it was it wasn't. I didn't even consider them

778
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:57,440
Speaker 4: because I knew that, even with my story was so

779
00:41:57,520 --> 00:42:01,239
Speaker 4: different from theirs, Like I knew, like, I'm not gonna

780
00:42:01,239 --> 00:42:03,040
Speaker 4: be that kind of mom, So I didn't ever compare

781
00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:05,759
Speaker 4: myself to them. I just knew like, Okay, I'm having

782
00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:08,839
Speaker 4: this baby. I don't care what anybody says. So then

783
00:42:08,880 --> 00:42:11,680
Speaker 4: when you had your baby, did you have your baby

784
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:13,239
Speaker 4: naturally section?

785
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:14,080
Speaker 3: Oh?

786
00:42:14,400 --> 00:42:16,960
Speaker 4: That's when my parents showed up, That's what I was

787
00:42:17,080 --> 00:42:20,560
Speaker 4: gonna say. They were they there? So my mom ironically,

788
00:42:20,600 --> 00:42:22,960
Speaker 4: because we were under not my dad's coverage, but my

789
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:27,640
Speaker 4: mom's coverage, so she was my point because it was

790
00:42:27,640 --> 00:42:29,840
Speaker 4: her insurance, so she had to sign all the paperwork.

791
00:42:29,920 --> 00:42:33,840
Speaker 4: She denied me everything in the paperwork. Yeah, like what

792
00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:38,760
Speaker 4: do you mean, like no medicine, all natural? She wanted this.

793
00:42:38,680 --> 00:42:40,880
Speaker 3: Baby allowed her to sign.

794
00:42:42,160 --> 00:42:50,400
Speaker 4: You were underage? Correct? Mom was a yes, so so yes, Yes,

795
00:42:50,800 --> 00:42:53,840
Speaker 4: it is deep. But I respect her for it because

796
00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:58,919
Speaker 4: I I seventeen years old. I had my baby. Good shit,

797
00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:00,759
Speaker 4: because you know what I had. So you had a

798
00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:03,600
Speaker 4: natural Yeah, but you have a son son, Yeah, that

799
00:43:03,719 --> 00:43:07,040
Speaker 4: was my son. Yeah, no ever or another And I can't.

800
00:43:07,080 --> 00:43:09,239
Speaker 4: I can't if it's legal for them to ask what

801
00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:12,240
Speaker 4: she's said, Well they have to. She's my legal guardian,

802
00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:16,400
Speaker 4: shall I'm not. I'm not legally able to sign if

803
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:19,879
Speaker 4: you're the one giving birth. Correct, But this is this

804
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:22,520
Speaker 4: is the law in the state of California. It may

805
00:43:22,560 --> 00:43:25,400
Speaker 4: be different in other states, and it may be refined.

806
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:30,279
Speaker 4: Then that was like eighteen years ago, but I mean, I.

807
00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:31,640
Speaker 3: Guess technically, got I think about it.

808
00:43:31,640 --> 00:43:34,120
Speaker 5: It's like that's a lot of pain, physical pain for

809
00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:36,000
Speaker 5: like a seven year old girl to indoor because you know,

810
00:43:36,120 --> 00:43:37,799
Speaker 5: I went to my friend had a baby in high

811
00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:39,320
Speaker 5: school and I remember the doctor saying.

812
00:43:39,239 --> 00:43:41,640
Speaker 3: She's a baby, like give her the medicine or something.

813
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:43,920
Speaker 5: But I mean, I guess the truth is is like

814
00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:47,680
Speaker 5: for millions of years, the birth yeage was fifteen.

815
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:52,279
Speaker 4: Yeah, like our bodies are actually better prepared for birth.

816
00:43:52,760 --> 00:43:55,439
Speaker 4: Were your parents? Was your mom there when you gave birth?

817
00:43:55,600 --> 00:43:58,560
Speaker 4: Both my parents and my grandmother, and then my little

818
00:43:58,640 --> 00:44:03,120
Speaker 4: sneaky sister creeped in at just the right time to

819
00:44:03,200 --> 00:44:06,239
Speaker 4: see yes, So he wasn't even there. We weren't even

820
00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:08,799
Speaker 4: speaking at the time of my birth. Yeah, it was.

821
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:12,879
Speaker 4: It was dramatic. I remember being they came after they

822
00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:17,440
Speaker 4: got news that their grandson was there, and I remember

823
00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:19,480
Speaker 4: it being like a messy situation with one of my

824
00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:23,080
Speaker 4: cousins calling him like you know, your baby here, like

825
00:44:23,880 --> 00:44:25,400
Speaker 4: and I'm like, why did you call him?

826
00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:28,399
Speaker 3: Didn't nobody want him to know he could have hurt

827
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:30,319
Speaker 3: he did when I call.

828
00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:34,120
Speaker 4: Yeah, So it was it was messy. And then I like,

829
00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:38,440
Speaker 4: wasn't there? Then I went back then by the time

830
00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:41,439
Speaker 4: my son was like a year and a half, because

831
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:43,879
Speaker 4: so when you got out of the hospital, I went

832
00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:47,760
Speaker 4: to my grandparents' house, like I set up like baby

833
00:44:47,800 --> 00:44:53,080
Speaker 4: coming home here. And then I remember like not wanting

834
00:44:53,239 --> 00:44:55,319
Speaker 4: like I wanted to be I wanted my family, like

835
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:58,040
Speaker 4: I didn't do this to be like, I still had

836
00:44:58,080 --> 00:44:59,960
Speaker 4: the thought that we could work this out. We can

837
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:04,000
Speaker 4: at that house. All we gotta do is get some

838
00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:08,359
Speaker 4: good jobs to retire from. We're straight, right.

839
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:09,719
Speaker 3: And what was his mentality?

840
00:45:09,719 --> 00:45:09,799
Speaker 9: Like?

841
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:11,720
Speaker 3: Where was his he was his job?

842
00:45:12,080 --> 00:45:15,439
Speaker 4: It barely barely had a job. That was why we

843
00:45:15,520 --> 00:45:18,719
Speaker 4: beefed so much, because he went to stay up all

844
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:22,360
Speaker 4: night play video games, smoke weed, go buy the newest

845
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:25,200
Speaker 4: video game. I'm like, we need to stock up on diapers.

846
00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:27,920
Speaker 4: I'm over here working, like I worked out an after

847
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:32,600
Speaker 4: school program. It was the Steady Institute. Shout out the

848
00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:35,880
Speaker 4: Steady Institute. They gave me my first job. So I

849
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:39,480
Speaker 4: worked there and that was rough because I'm a tutor

850
00:45:39,520 --> 00:45:41,480
Speaker 4: and I'm pregnant and I'm a kid and they know it.

851
00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:44,840
Speaker 4: What are you teaching my son? What do you teaching

852
00:45:44,920 --> 00:45:48,920
Speaker 4: my daughter? Oh? Okay? So that was weird because parents

853
00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:52,239
Speaker 4: always felt the need to address like if I if

854
00:45:52,239 --> 00:45:55,399
Speaker 4: I chest tis a child like and they're like, you're

855
00:45:55,440 --> 00:45:58,040
Speaker 4: taking your pregnancy out on my scent and I don't know.

856
00:45:58,280 --> 00:46:01,359
Speaker 4: Like I literally had so many of those conversations. I'm like,

857
00:46:01,719 --> 00:46:08,760
Speaker 4: your kid's an asshole, right, So having like I'm getting

858
00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:11,239
Speaker 4: one hundred and twenty five dollars every two weeks, thinking

859
00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:13,840
Speaker 4: I'm balling right, and I'm like going to buy diapers

860
00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:17,879
Speaker 4: right because I know you can never have enough and

861
00:46:18,080 --> 00:46:21,600
Speaker 4: you're getting whatever you're getting two fifty every two weeks,

862
00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:25,239
Speaker 4: and you're going to buy a console, right, homie. Yeah,

863
00:46:25,320 --> 00:46:27,319
Speaker 4: he wasn't ready. You ain't took me out on a date.

864
00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:31,560
Speaker 4: Like the last thing you're gonna be buying is the

865
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:34,640
Speaker 4: video app? Yeah, and literally he was. And then his

866
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:37,360
Speaker 4: brothers would come in and play I'm like, I'm in

867
00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:42,319
Speaker 4: here sleep, I'm pregnant, and then he would tell me

868
00:46:42,320 --> 00:46:44,120
Speaker 4: things like shut up, don't fay shit to my brothers,

869
00:46:44,440 --> 00:46:48,480
Speaker 4: this is my room. Great, So it was, it was.

870
00:46:48,560 --> 00:46:51,279
Speaker 4: It was gross. So how long did you get? So

871
00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:54,279
Speaker 4: after that, like one and a half done, Like I

872
00:46:54,320 --> 00:46:56,839
Speaker 4: can't do this no more. After I don't even know.

873
00:46:57,080 --> 00:46:59,239
Speaker 4: It was like back and forth, the same way that

874
00:46:59,280 --> 00:47:01,680
Speaker 4: we did in high school, back and forth, back and forth.

875
00:47:01,800 --> 00:47:03,400
Speaker 4: It got to the point where his parents gave me

876
00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:07,280
Speaker 4: a room in the house, like brothers have moved, coming, gone,

877
00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:10,319
Speaker 4: and you can just be separate. Yeah, go in that room,

878
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:13,319
Speaker 4: you and your baby living there, like and that was

879
00:47:13,360 --> 00:47:15,600
Speaker 4: fine because I had burned the bridge with going to

880
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:16,680
Speaker 4: my family, right.

881
00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:18,520
Speaker 3: They're like, we're done with you're back and forth.

882
00:47:18,600 --> 00:47:21,600
Speaker 4: Yeah, No, you stay there until you came. Yeah, you

883
00:47:21,760 --> 00:47:24,520
Speaker 4: stay there until you figure out where you're going from there.

884
00:47:25,080 --> 00:47:27,239
Speaker 4: I stayed there until me and my baby went into

885
00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:32,040
Speaker 4: transitional housing. Just I can't do this anymore. I don't

886
00:47:32,080 --> 00:47:36,520
Speaker 4: even want your dick no more. I'm so done. So

887
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:40,439
Speaker 4: transitional housing it was like for moms or families who

888
00:47:40,800 --> 00:47:42,760
Speaker 4: like didn't have a place to live so we wouldn't

889
00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:45,760
Speaker 4: be homeless. So it was like another set of rules

890
00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:49,840
Speaker 4: of girls. It was. I had my own one bedroom

891
00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:55,239
Speaker 4: apartment in a structure facility RAND program, so I had

892
00:47:55,320 --> 00:48:00,759
Speaker 4: like requirements, parenting classes, a savings what is it called

893
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:04,600
Speaker 4: Douglas Upward Bound House. I do a lot of volunteer

894
00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:07,080
Speaker 4: work with them, and I have in the past, and

895
00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:10,319
Speaker 4: I've spoken at events and let people know why that

896
00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:14,680
Speaker 4: is so valuable for not just people like me. It

897
00:48:14,719 --> 00:48:17,080
Speaker 4: has turned a lot in the last years because of

898
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:20,680
Speaker 4: the economy, so it's like more about families versus when

899
00:48:20,719 --> 00:48:23,200
Speaker 4: I was going in it was about like people leaving

900
00:48:23,239 --> 00:48:27,000
Speaker 4: abusive relationships, people who were just down who couldn't afford

901
00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:31,239
Speaker 4: regular living and offered them, but you had like so

902
00:48:31,440 --> 00:48:37,080
Speaker 4: many rules no company with like no company period unless

903
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:40,880
Speaker 4: during visiting hours, whereas like peak hours where no one's

904
00:48:40,920 --> 00:48:44,680
Speaker 4: home at that time, like literally every staff member of

905
00:48:44,719 --> 00:48:48,680
Speaker 4: the whole program. There were cameras everywhere, Like it was

906
00:48:48,760 --> 00:48:54,719
Speaker 4: just a very I went from the wild to the

907
00:48:54,800 --> 00:49:00,839
Speaker 4: church to more wild back to the church kind of like,

908
00:49:01,440 --> 00:49:04,880
Speaker 4: and so that didn't work out for me. So I

909
00:49:04,960 --> 00:49:06,840
Speaker 4: was just like, I just gotta get it how I

910
00:49:06,920 --> 00:49:09,719
Speaker 4: live and go, get my own spot, lived on couches

911
00:49:09,760 --> 00:49:13,600
Speaker 4: with homegirls with kids. I remember when I got my

912
00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:20,120
Speaker 4: first apartment in Westchester. My girlfriend she was like calling

913
00:49:20,160 --> 00:49:23,200
Speaker 4: me a bitch, and we got into an argument, and

914
00:49:23,880 --> 00:49:26,080
Speaker 4: she didn't know that I didn't want to be called

915
00:49:26,080 --> 00:49:28,239
Speaker 4: a bitch because I had a private conversation with my

916
00:49:28,320 --> 00:49:30,640
Speaker 4: four year old who was like, Mom, I don't like

917
00:49:30,719 --> 00:49:32,479
Speaker 4: when you and your friends call each other bitch because

918
00:49:32,520 --> 00:49:35,880
Speaker 4: then I want to fight them. Wow. So she's like

919
00:49:35,960 --> 00:49:37,600
Speaker 4: calling me a bitch, I put her out my house.

920
00:49:37,640 --> 00:49:40,959
Speaker 4: So then because I'm put her out, she's like arguing

921
00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:43,680
Speaker 4: with me on my voicemail. So she like, I can't

922
00:49:43,719 --> 00:49:46,000
Speaker 4: call you a bitch no more because you pay rent now, huh?

923
00:49:46,040 --> 00:49:48,040
Speaker 4: You ain't sleeping on my mother fucking couch no more.

924
00:49:48,120 --> 00:49:53,040
Speaker 4: I can't call you a bitch no more. Like I'm

925
00:49:53,040 --> 00:49:56,879
Speaker 4: going to fight her. Yeah. Yeah, So I mean we

926
00:49:56,960 --> 00:50:00,440
Speaker 4: bummed it for a while because I just couldn't do rules.

927
00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:05,520
Speaker 4: Sounds pretty familiar. You also mentioned that in your DM

928
00:50:05,600 --> 00:50:07,640
Speaker 4: to us, Wait can we talk about the DM?

929
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:11,360
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's funny because Kenny d m'd us and she

930
00:50:11,520 --> 00:50:13,960
Speaker 5: was like, I have a crazy story.

931
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:16,279
Speaker 3: I was a teen mom. I've gone through X, Y

932
00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:16,600
Speaker 3: and Z.

933
00:50:16,760 --> 00:50:19,200
Speaker 5: And then she was like, my baby daddy's a blood

934
00:50:19,719 --> 00:50:20,799
Speaker 5: and my partner's a.

935
00:50:21,160 --> 00:50:24,080
Speaker 4: No vice versa. Let's get this all the way straight.

936
00:50:25,400 --> 00:50:27,920
Speaker 5: My baby daddy's a cryp, my partner's a blood, and

937
00:50:28,040 --> 00:50:29,440
Speaker 5: I did it all before.

938
00:50:29,640 --> 00:50:33,760
Speaker 4: It was cool, like Lauren London. That was her exact message.

939
00:50:33,880 --> 00:50:34,640
Speaker 4: Yeah it was.

940
00:50:34,680 --> 00:50:36,440
Speaker 5: And for some reason, like I guess, I was like

941
00:50:36,440 --> 00:50:38,680
Speaker 5: looking for the DM again and I went back and

942
00:50:38,719 --> 00:50:40,279
Speaker 5: read it like a week later.

943
00:50:40,080 --> 00:50:42,080
Speaker 4: And I was like, oh shit, this was because you

944
00:50:42,120 --> 00:50:44,640
Speaker 4: said that DM before the nipsey should happen. You said

945
00:50:44,680 --> 00:50:45,719
Speaker 4: it before the nipy should happen.

946
00:50:45,719 --> 00:50:47,560
Speaker 5: And then I went I revisited it like a week later,

947
00:50:47,600 --> 00:50:49,560
Speaker 5: and the nipsey should happened, and I was like, oh

948
00:50:49,600 --> 00:50:52,799
Speaker 5: my god, that's crazy that you just happened to mention her.

949
00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:55,600
Speaker 4: So the only reason why I mentioned her is because

950
00:50:55,640 --> 00:51:00,920
Speaker 4: when their relationship went public Lauren and Nipsey's, there was

951
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:04,120
Speaker 4: a meme going around like how she's uniting the community

952
00:51:04,160 --> 00:51:06,640
Speaker 4: because Lil Wayne, her first baby daddy's a blood. I

953
00:51:06,680 --> 00:51:10,880
Speaker 4: didn't crip. I didn't realize that. So people, my friends

954
00:51:10,880 --> 00:51:13,319
Speaker 4: were sending me this like you've been doing this, but

955
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:16,480
Speaker 4: you've been all this like so I didn't mean anything

956
00:51:16,560 --> 00:51:19,360
Speaker 4: by it, and I was. I was super super stunned

957
00:51:19,480 --> 00:51:22,040
Speaker 4: that that happened because I knew that I had split

958
00:51:22,120 --> 00:51:25,520
Speaker 4: that d M and that had happened so close together.

959
00:51:26,040 --> 00:51:29,520
Speaker 4: Same literally like you sent that and then like five

960
00:51:29,640 --> 00:51:35,080
Speaker 4: or six days later like unfortunately, yeah, yeah, totally crazy. Same.

961
00:51:35,239 --> 00:51:37,479
Speaker 4: I felt the same thing because you know what, I didn't.

962
00:51:37,600 --> 00:51:40,160
Speaker 3: I didn't remember that you had written that, and then

963
00:51:40,160 --> 00:51:42,880
Speaker 3: when I read it, I was like, aer did you remember?

964
00:51:42,920 --> 00:51:46,440
Speaker 5: She's like I know, yeah, So when you growing up,

965
00:51:46,560 --> 00:51:48,120
Speaker 5: was he always affiliated?

966
00:51:48,160 --> 00:51:51,440
Speaker 4: Like wait, let me not. His whole his whole family

967
00:51:51,680 --> 00:51:58,680
Speaker 4: started a crip gang in my neighborhood. So there my

968
00:51:58,760 --> 00:52:02,440
Speaker 4: son's grandmother. I love her to death. She had, you know,

969
00:52:02,520 --> 00:52:05,560
Speaker 4: when it was a theme to wear earpieces from your

970
00:52:05,640 --> 00:52:10,759
Speaker 4: flip t mobile that burgundy pinkish poam. She was like,

971
00:52:11,520 --> 00:52:13,360
Speaker 4: I gotta take this back. I don't want people to

972
00:52:13,400 --> 00:52:19,200
Speaker 4: think this blood and this is a full blot. Like grandmother,

973
00:52:19,600 --> 00:52:22,759
Speaker 4: my son at the time was her youngest grandchild, like

974
00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:25,880
Speaker 4: she had grand babies, and she was talking to me

975
00:52:25,920 --> 00:52:26,919
Speaker 4: about some gang bang.

976
00:52:27,480 --> 00:52:30,640
Speaker 5: How is that like growing like growing up in an

977
00:52:30,719 --> 00:52:33,520
Speaker 5: environment or I mean, you know, like your later years,

978
00:52:33,560 --> 00:52:37,120
Speaker 5: like in an environment where like the adults even think that,

979
00:52:37,239 --> 00:52:39,760
Speaker 5: like crippen is cool.

980
00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:41,680
Speaker 4: Like it's just I don't know any other way, right,

981
00:52:41,760 --> 00:52:46,680
Speaker 4: it was just normal. It's just normal like everybody everybody wear.

982
00:52:47,320 --> 00:52:51,839
Speaker 4: So this is the thing. My mother fucked with some

983
00:52:51,880 --> 00:52:55,640
Speaker 4: blood niggas growing up, so they named like her name

984
00:52:55,680 --> 00:52:58,160
Speaker 4: in the streets is red, like everybody calls her red.

985
00:52:58,440 --> 00:53:02,480
Speaker 4: So here I am missing my mom. Everything I do

986
00:53:02,600 --> 00:53:05,680
Speaker 4: is homage to my mother. So I go to school

987
00:53:05,960 --> 00:53:08,800
Speaker 4: flamed up. I wear red laces in my shoe strings.

988
00:53:08,840 --> 00:53:13,359
Speaker 4: I get sweated every day, like I'm fucking square as

989
00:53:13,400 --> 00:53:16,120
Speaker 4: they come at this point in my life, and I'm

990
00:53:16,239 --> 00:53:19,319
Speaker 4: questioned daily like where are you from? Where are you from?

991
00:53:19,360 --> 00:53:21,719
Speaker 4: You got them red laces. I remember standing in line

992
00:53:21,760 --> 00:53:24,080
Speaker 4: for cookies in junior high school and some bitch coming

993
00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:27,520
Speaker 4: behind me and like nudging me like this on my

994
00:53:27,640 --> 00:53:29,839
Speaker 4: back and like where are you from with them red

995
00:53:29,880 --> 00:53:32,080
Speaker 4: laces in your shoes? As a matter of fact, she

996
00:53:32,239 --> 00:53:35,319
Speaker 4: might have said dead laces in your shoes. I was like,

997
00:53:36,719 --> 00:53:42,000
Speaker 4: I'm like dead because that's like disrespectful to say them. Yeah,

998
00:53:42,080 --> 00:53:47,200
Speaker 4: and so I'm like, what, Like I'm from Michigan because

999
00:53:47,280 --> 00:53:49,360
Speaker 4: anything about my mom, My mom's from Michigan. So I'm like,

1000
00:53:49,360 --> 00:53:51,640
Speaker 4: I'm from Michigan. And she was like, well around here,

1001
00:53:52,840 --> 00:53:57,279
Speaker 4: and I felt like this year, yeah, we don't do that.

1002
00:53:58,280 --> 00:54:01,920
Speaker 4: It's like someone called someone from church called my parents

1003
00:54:02,120 --> 00:54:04,520
Speaker 4: like this is getting serious. You need to make sure

1004
00:54:04,600 --> 00:54:06,960
Speaker 4: Kimberly like this is what's happening to her at school

1005
00:54:06,960 --> 00:54:09,000
Speaker 4: because your parents were not with any of that. My

1006
00:54:09,040 --> 00:54:11,480
Speaker 4: parents didn't care. They were like, oh self expression, like

1007
00:54:11,520 --> 00:54:14,439
Speaker 4: she likes red, that's their favorite color. Yeah, they didn't

1008
00:54:14,440 --> 00:54:16,200
Speaker 4: think it was thinking. My dad was like, you're gonna

1009
00:54:16,239 --> 00:54:19,320
Speaker 4: get shot. You're gonna get shot at the bus stop,

1010
00:54:19,320 --> 00:54:21,640
Speaker 4: and I care protect you take those red laces off.

1011
00:54:21,680 --> 00:54:24,080
Speaker 4: I'm like, this is for my mother. You just want

1012
00:54:24,120 --> 00:54:32,200
Speaker 4: to take everything. Yeah, neighborhood. Yeah, And so like when

1013
00:54:32,200 --> 00:54:35,759
Speaker 4: I would go visit Chicago in the Midwest, like they'd

1014
00:54:35,760 --> 00:54:38,040
Speaker 4: be like, is that still the thing. I'm like, yes,

1015
00:54:38,640 --> 00:54:42,520
Speaker 4: I don't do that in the Midwest. Well maybe now

1016
00:54:42,560 --> 00:54:44,840
Speaker 4: maybe I don't know what they do now because everything

1017
00:54:44,920 --> 00:54:45,960
Speaker 4: is so fucking different.

1018
00:54:46,120 --> 00:54:46,400
Speaker 3: Blood.

1019
00:54:46,440 --> 00:54:52,800
Speaker 4: There's blood, I mean, obviously they're everywhere now, but now

1020
00:54:52,920 --> 00:54:56,200
Speaker 4: it's also a different they're called different things. Like for example,

1021
00:54:56,200 --> 00:54:57,719
Speaker 4: like in Chicago they have the vice lords, they have

1022
00:54:57,719 --> 00:55:01,600
Speaker 4: the gds, but but they wear they're red and blue.

1023
00:55:01,640 --> 00:55:05,719
Speaker 4: They're not necessarily called blood. And now it's different to

1024
00:55:06,760 --> 00:55:12,000
Speaker 4: where like bloods were all blue and it's not a

1025
00:55:12,040 --> 00:55:16,080
Speaker 4: thing like the color. Like I'm I'm an eighties baby,

1026
00:55:16,160 --> 00:55:19,560
Speaker 4: so I'm coming up like an eighties babies. Y'all motherfuckers

1027
00:55:19,640 --> 00:55:23,760
Speaker 4: is lit. So we're we're the age and era where

1028
00:55:24,280 --> 00:55:31,080
Speaker 4: where we're like still going by the original rules. Now

1029
00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:34,279
Speaker 4: they're like everything's changed. You can do what you want

1030
00:55:35,080 --> 00:55:37,799
Speaker 4: if you're reputable from your hood. I guess I'm not

1031
00:55:37,840 --> 00:55:41,640
Speaker 4: even a gang banger. Like my gang association is trickle down,

1032
00:55:41,680 --> 00:55:47,600
Speaker 4: trickle down, Like yeah, raising your son and in that

1033
00:55:47,760 --> 00:55:52,640
Speaker 4: environment because dad be my son came home from a

1034
00:55:52,719 --> 00:55:55,239
Speaker 4: visit with his dad, probably nine eight or nine years old,

1035
00:55:55,320 --> 00:55:58,319
Speaker 4: telling me his hood name, like oh my my head

1036
00:55:58,440 --> 00:56:04,680
Speaker 4: name from No No. I remember talks several with several

1037
00:56:05,480 --> 00:56:09,200
Speaker 4: but it's more about this is not okay, I know

1038
00:56:09,320 --> 00:56:12,359
Speaker 4: your dad shows you this type of stuff. He's talk

1039
00:56:12,480 --> 00:56:14,399
Speaker 4: with the dad like how do you Yeah, but he's

1040
00:56:14,400 --> 00:56:16,400
Speaker 4: so ignorant. This is who he is.

1041
00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:16,480
Speaker 5: Like.

1042
00:56:18,160 --> 00:56:21,360
Speaker 4: He's still don't see nothing wrong with it to this day. No,

1043
00:56:22,239 --> 00:56:28,040
Speaker 4: he's he since had his own daughter and mature this much. Yeah,

1044
00:56:28,520 --> 00:56:32,680
Speaker 4: like a fourth of an inch yeah, oh yeah, yeah,

1045
00:56:32,920 --> 00:56:37,279
Speaker 4: yeah yeah. Well their family started the gang, so their

1046
00:56:37,360 --> 00:56:41,160
Speaker 4: their family functions are a gang party, our hood day

1047
00:56:41,480 --> 00:56:45,160
Speaker 4: or you know, I don't fear a gang. I'm not

1048
00:56:45,280 --> 00:56:48,880
Speaker 4: worried about gang gang violence, like I grew up around it.

1049
00:56:48,920 --> 00:56:53,120
Speaker 4: I know it happens. That is, it's sad, but I

1050
00:56:53,200 --> 00:56:55,880
Speaker 4: like where we're going in this environment where it's like

1051
00:56:56,520 --> 00:56:59,719
Speaker 4: the treaties and stuff happening now, like in wake of

1052
00:56:59,800 --> 00:57:05,200
Speaker 4: the tragedies that just recently happened. But I never worried

1053
00:57:05,239 --> 00:57:09,640
Speaker 4: about like gang shit's more about like gun violence than

1054
00:57:09,920 --> 00:57:13,239
Speaker 4: gang ship because I knew I got a pass. I

1055
00:57:13,239 --> 00:57:15,920
Speaker 4: got You're not fucking with them over here because they

1056
00:57:16,000 --> 00:57:18,280
Speaker 4: crips and I'm good over here with this blood nigga.

1057
00:57:18,480 --> 00:57:24,120
Speaker 4: So I told one I remember being a lot of

1058
00:57:24,160 --> 00:57:27,600
Speaker 4: times sometimes but a lot of times a lot of times.

1059
00:57:27,640 --> 00:57:30,560
Speaker 4: But the gang members I know, they will fight. They

1060
00:57:30,600 --> 00:57:34,080
Speaker 4: will like where I'm from, where I'm from, where I'm from,

1061
00:57:34,640 --> 00:57:38,320
Speaker 4: the people I know, the bitches that have problems with

1062
00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:40,800
Speaker 4: another bitch or niggas that have problems with another nigga,

1063
00:57:40,840 --> 00:57:43,600
Speaker 4: they finish square up. But is that would you say

1064
00:57:43,640 --> 00:57:47,800
Speaker 4: that's more so with older I feel like the younger generation,

1065
00:57:47,960 --> 00:57:53,440
Speaker 4: I feel like that's more solid individuals, more more mature,

1066
00:57:53,640 --> 00:57:57,840
Speaker 4: because there are immature gang members. They're mature game members.

1067
00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:00,120
Speaker 4: I just mean, I mean more so like young. Like

1068
00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:03,480
Speaker 4: I feel like a lot of these young gang members

1069
00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:08,120
Speaker 4: are the ones that are filthy, that's been to proof. Yeah,

1070
00:58:08,200 --> 00:58:10,560
Speaker 4: so they'd be doing they'd be doing the most and

1071
00:58:10,560 --> 00:58:14,320
Speaker 4: they be doing extra. My first baby daddy was actually

1072
00:58:14,360 --> 00:58:17,560
Speaker 4: shot by some bloods on his way home riding the

1073
00:58:17,600 --> 00:58:23,160
Speaker 4: bus when I might have been sixteen. Yeah, before the baby,

1074
00:58:23,160 --> 00:58:25,560
Speaker 4: I was still in high school and I didn't It

1075
00:58:25,600 --> 00:58:28,959
Speaker 4: scared the shit out of me. But he was foul like, oh.

1076
00:58:28,880 --> 00:58:30,720
Speaker 3: When he was getting retaliate against or some ship.

1077
00:58:30,800 --> 00:58:34,000
Speaker 4: He yeah, like he gang banged out of pocket on

1078
00:58:34,160 --> 00:58:36,160
Speaker 4: some niggas that wasn't fucking with him, and they was

1079
00:58:36,200 --> 00:58:38,840
Speaker 4: like say that shit now blood and shot him. I

1080
00:58:38,880 --> 00:58:41,280
Speaker 4: don't want him to be shot. I was devastated. Our

1081
00:58:41,320 --> 00:58:46,000
Speaker 4: world was shattered. He got shot in his stomach, almost died.

1082
00:58:46,040 --> 00:58:48,520
Speaker 4: It shattered his leg. He like forever walks with a

1083
00:58:48,640 --> 00:58:51,160
Speaker 4: lent growth, was stunted, like a whole bunch of shit.

1084
00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:55,000
Speaker 4: Was very fucked up in foul. But those are the

1085
00:58:55,040 --> 00:58:59,840
Speaker 4: consequences for just like I had to leave and go

1086
00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:02,640
Speaker 4: raise this baby and struggle anyway that I had to

1087
00:59:02,640 --> 00:59:06,120
Speaker 4: struggle to make sure that this baby, those were the consequences.

1088
00:59:06,320 --> 00:59:11,000
Speaker 4: I'm big on the consequences of my actions. True, that's true.

1089
00:59:11,480 --> 00:59:14,440
Speaker 4: So I never was worried about gang violence because I

1090
00:59:14,480 --> 00:59:18,440
Speaker 4: always felt like I'm straight, Like if you fuck with

1091
00:59:18,480 --> 00:59:20,600
Speaker 4: me on this side of town, I got These are

1092
00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:23,200
Speaker 4: still my in laws. We don't always see eye to eye,

1093
00:59:23,200 --> 00:59:26,760
Speaker 4: but they' fin a ride. This is my nigga and

1094
00:59:27,520 --> 00:59:29,920
Speaker 4: he's big bad will So you could try if you

1095
00:59:29,960 --> 00:59:32,320
Speaker 4: want to. Okay, So now your partner, your partner.

1096
00:59:32,040 --> 00:59:37,520
Speaker 5: You're too youngest is a he's a blood.

1097
00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:41,560
Speaker 4: He's a blood. I love you. I didn't know it.

1098
00:59:42,120 --> 00:59:47,200
Speaker 4: I just like tall niggas. But it's the it's the

1099
00:59:47,280 --> 00:59:49,360
Speaker 4: red in me. I can't help who my mama was.

1100
00:59:49,480 --> 00:59:53,120
Speaker 3: I can't. So, yeah, how does that work out?

1101
00:59:53,160 --> 00:59:56,200
Speaker 5: Like it's just respects, you know, because yeah, you have

1102
00:59:56,280 --> 00:59:58,400
Speaker 5: kids about him, you got your like together forever.

1103
00:59:58,840 --> 01:00:02,400
Speaker 4: Well, initially you don't know that, and especially if you

1104
01:00:02,480 --> 01:00:07,400
Speaker 4: have especially if you have a man who knows he

1105
01:00:07,400 --> 01:00:09,120
Speaker 4: didn't do right by you, and now you have a

1106
01:00:09,160 --> 01:00:12,560
Speaker 4: new man in your family's life, like not just your life,

1107
01:00:12,560 --> 01:00:16,120
Speaker 4: your family's life. I moved out, I did my own thing.

1108
01:00:16,200 --> 01:00:18,320
Speaker 4: He still lived with his parents. How long were you

1109
01:00:18,400 --> 01:00:24,680
Speaker 4: single before he met? So I knew my partner since

1110
01:00:24,760 --> 01:00:29,640
Speaker 4: two thousand and three. And you know, everybody got a

1111
01:00:29,640 --> 01:00:31,560
Speaker 4: little thing that they do after they get out of

1112
01:00:31,560 --> 01:00:34,240
Speaker 4: a long gas relationship. And I was so young. I

1113
01:00:34,240 --> 01:00:36,840
Speaker 4: had never been with anybody else, so I didn't know nothing.

1114
01:00:37,640 --> 01:00:40,080
Speaker 4: So I was like, I owe this to myself. I'm

1115
01:00:40,080 --> 01:00:43,560
Speaker 4: not to get out here like I'm comfortable. Yeah, let

1116
01:00:43,600 --> 01:00:48,440
Speaker 4: me go on a vacation, let me go swimming. I

1117
01:00:48,600 --> 01:00:54,240
Speaker 4: test the water. It's like I'm directing hi. Yeah, So

1118
01:00:54,360 --> 01:00:57,720
Speaker 4: it went from that to that, but I was on

1119
01:00:57,760 --> 01:01:00,560
Speaker 4: my own, so I felt totally confident and comfortable doing it.

1120
01:01:00,640 --> 01:01:05,520
Speaker 4: And then I realized like, ooh, I'm drained, like I

1121
01:01:05,520 --> 01:01:10,280
Speaker 4: ain't been on a date like a real day. Yeah,

1122
01:01:10,320 --> 01:01:12,200
Speaker 4: So then I was like, I'm fucking big. I ain't

1123
01:01:12,240 --> 01:01:14,920
Speaker 4: fucking nobody. But on my way out the door, I

1124
01:01:15,000 --> 01:01:17,520
Speaker 4: hit up my partner who I'm with now, like a

1125
01:01:18,240 --> 01:01:23,880
Speaker 4: I'm going on this little set of BC thing. Yeah.

1126
01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:28,960
Speaker 4: Though I never thought in a million years we were friends.

1127
01:01:29,200 --> 01:01:31,040
Speaker 4: I never thought in a million years like that would

1128
01:01:31,040 --> 01:01:32,720
Speaker 4: be who. I still look at him. I think I

1129
01:01:32,760 --> 01:01:37,720
Speaker 4: did it Sunday driving like I'm still with you. What

1130
01:01:37,840 --> 01:01:40,560
Speaker 4: a big smile on my face though, But so I

1131
01:01:40,920 --> 01:01:45,000
Speaker 4: like I went from that to him being just my friend.

1132
01:01:45,080 --> 01:01:48,280
Speaker 4: Met him at like we worked in the same facility,

1133
01:01:48,360 --> 01:01:52,000
Speaker 4: so we knew each other. He actually befriended me because

1134
01:01:52,000 --> 01:01:54,200
Speaker 4: he liked my son, and then he would see me

1135
01:01:54,240 --> 01:01:56,360
Speaker 4: bringing my son to work because I still worked at

1136
01:01:56,360 --> 01:02:00,280
Speaker 4: the enrichment program and so he would see me bring

1137
01:02:00,280 --> 01:02:02,400
Speaker 4: my son to work and he'd be like, that's your son.

1138
01:02:02,520 --> 01:02:04,640
Speaker 4: Like next thing, you know, he's like, oh, let me

1139
01:02:04,640 --> 01:02:06,560
Speaker 4: take him a ride on my car. Like it was

1140
01:02:06,640 --> 01:02:08,400
Speaker 4: very sweet, and we were friends, and then I could

1141
01:02:08,480 --> 01:02:11,760
Speaker 4: call on him and this nigga why I fucking love

1142
01:02:11,840 --> 01:02:14,880
Speaker 4: him and why we have a friendship, and then built

1143
01:02:14,960 --> 01:02:17,600
Speaker 4: upon that is because when I was struggling in that

1144
01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:20,880
Speaker 4: transitional home, he gave me forty dollars to start a

1145
01:02:20,960 --> 01:02:24,000
Speaker 4: savings He was like, you don't you can't, like you

1146
01:02:24,040 --> 01:02:25,800
Speaker 4: can't be out here like that because he would give

1147
01:02:25,880 --> 01:02:27,880
Speaker 4: us rides so we didn't have to catch the bus.

1148
01:02:27,920 --> 01:02:37,840
Speaker 4: Sometimes I always cry, I love that. That's cute.

1149
01:02:38,680 --> 01:02:39,760
Speaker 3: It's really cute.

1150
01:02:41,280 --> 01:02:44,240
Speaker 4: So but he but I knew, like damn, he's special,

1151
01:02:44,360 --> 01:02:47,360
Speaker 4: like he's teaching me something. I just want to sit

1152
01:02:47,440 --> 01:02:50,480
Speaker 4: up here and cry, like I'm I'm on the verge

1153
01:02:50,520 --> 01:02:54,240
Speaker 4: of folding, like I should just fucking do whatever and

1154
01:02:54,320 --> 01:02:56,640
Speaker 4: work it out with this nigga. But I'm like talking

1155
01:02:56,680 --> 01:03:00,720
Speaker 4: to another man who's like, ah, that ain't just whatever

1156
01:03:00,760 --> 01:03:03,240
Speaker 4: you do save you never know when you need to

1157
01:03:03,240 --> 01:03:05,960
Speaker 4: get out of gym, like part of the program too, right,

1158
01:03:06,200 --> 01:03:07,840
Speaker 4: Well that was a part of the program, but they

1159
01:03:07,840 --> 01:03:11,840
Speaker 4: were forcing me. He was just in piggybacking because he

1160
01:03:11,840 --> 01:03:13,960
Speaker 4: didn't even know that was a fucking program. Was when

1161
01:03:13,960 --> 01:03:15,960
Speaker 4: you pull up, it just looked like a very secure,

1162
01:03:16,600 --> 01:03:23,040
Speaker 4: good yes in the cut, so he didn't know that

1163
01:03:23,080 --> 01:03:24,800
Speaker 4: it was a program. He thought I was straight, but

1164
01:03:24,880 --> 01:03:27,080
Speaker 4: he would hear me say how I'm struggling and how

1165
01:03:27,440 --> 01:03:29,560
Speaker 4: like I needed to get me and my baby off

1166
01:03:29,560 --> 01:03:32,720
Speaker 4: the bus. I was like, this is like ridiculous, like

1167
01:03:32,760 --> 01:03:33,960
Speaker 4: we're on the bus.

1168
01:03:33,680 --> 01:03:35,840
Speaker 3: From like he was challenging.

1169
01:03:36,120 --> 01:03:40,840
Speaker 4: Yeah, and also always drop gems. And then when we

1170
01:03:40,960 --> 01:03:44,280
Speaker 4: did finally have sex, I thought that was like, oh bombs,

1171
01:03:44,440 --> 01:03:47,640
Speaker 4: Like I got the homie right here. I could just

1172
01:03:47,800 --> 01:03:49,960
Speaker 4: like cause I can have a conversation with him like

1173
01:03:50,000 --> 01:03:51,640
Speaker 4: this other kind of wants you to know me. Don't

1174
01:03:51,640 --> 01:03:54,240
Speaker 4: even call me in a daytime like I'm picking up

1175
01:03:54,240 --> 01:03:58,640
Speaker 4: my son from school like after eight Yeah, like shit,

1176
01:03:58,880 --> 01:04:04,000
Speaker 4: he ain't even sleep, got no snack leo leo fire.

1177
01:04:05,480 --> 01:04:10,600
Speaker 4: So that happened, and then that Sella's busy thing lasted

1178
01:04:10,680 --> 01:04:14,200
Speaker 4: for like nine and a half months, and it was

1179
01:04:14,320 --> 01:04:16,520
Speaker 4: cool because I was focused. I was saving money. I

1180
01:04:16,600 --> 01:04:21,000
Speaker 4: was like getting to it. And then he had a

1181
01:04:21,080 --> 01:04:24,439
Speaker 4: situation change of heart where he must have just been

1182
01:04:24,480 --> 01:04:29,000
Speaker 4: watching me. Because we remained friends for a while. He

1183
01:04:29,120 --> 01:04:32,360
Speaker 4: even had other relationships. I had fake other little relationships

1184
01:04:32,360 --> 01:04:34,160
Speaker 4: because okay, I just want to fuck with it, like

1185
01:04:34,720 --> 01:04:37,800
Speaker 4: you were cool when we were fucking, but we could

1186
01:04:37,800 --> 01:04:41,200
Speaker 4: be friends. You could take me to eat cool. So

1187
01:04:41,520 --> 01:04:44,280
Speaker 4: I maintained that, but him that was a friendship. So

1188
01:04:44,320 --> 01:04:47,400
Speaker 4: when he approached me about like you we're gonna be together,

1189
01:04:47,520 --> 01:04:51,000
Speaker 4: You're gonna have my kids, I was like, boy, quit

1190
01:04:51,040 --> 01:04:53,400
Speaker 4: playing because at that point I was getting like I

1191
01:04:53,440 --> 01:04:57,040
Speaker 4: was in therapy. I was getting confident in myself. I

1192
01:04:57,120 --> 01:04:59,200
Speaker 4: had two years a mom and under my belt. I

1193
01:04:59,240 --> 01:05:06,959
Speaker 4: was like, ain't nobody right, yeah, focused, I'm working out

1194
01:05:07,520 --> 01:05:14,000
Speaker 4: like my baby, don't need nothing like buck y'all. So

1195
01:05:14,120 --> 01:05:16,320
Speaker 4: it was that I was I had leveled up. I

1196
01:05:16,360 --> 01:05:18,400
Speaker 4: guess we didn't call it that then, but I was

1197
01:05:18,480 --> 01:05:23,640
Speaker 4: really focused and leveled up. Yeah, so that had come.

1198
01:05:23,840 --> 01:05:26,480
Speaker 4: And then he reached out and I didn't believe him.

1199
01:05:26,480 --> 01:05:28,680
Speaker 4: And then we started hanging out on a regular basis

1200
01:05:28,680 --> 01:05:31,120
Speaker 4: and then I gave him some and I was like,

1201
01:05:31,640 --> 01:05:33,360
Speaker 4: that was the first time. Yeah, So he was the

1202
01:05:33,440 --> 01:05:37,800
Speaker 4: last person before my celibacy and then the person I

1203
01:05:37,800 --> 01:05:41,640
Speaker 4: broke it with, okay, oh yeah yeah. And so you

1204
01:05:41,640 --> 01:05:44,400
Speaker 4: built that you had were already building that, yeah. So

1205
01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:47,480
Speaker 4: it was so it was so natural, like and my

1206
01:05:47,560 --> 01:05:50,040
Speaker 4: son wasn't even bothered by it because he thought that

1207
01:05:50,120 --> 01:05:53,960
Speaker 4: was his friend. But from all the encounters and yeah,

1208
01:05:54,320 --> 01:05:59,120
Speaker 4: so he wasn't. It was never an issue where like

1209
01:05:59,120 --> 01:06:01,600
Speaker 4: like how do I introduced my son? And I didn't

1210
01:06:01,600 --> 01:06:05,320
Speaker 4: even have to say it, like before a time, it

1211
01:06:05,400 --> 01:06:08,640
Speaker 4: became my son's own idea, like oh, you should be

1212
01:06:08,720 --> 01:06:14,440
Speaker 4: a boyfriend and girlfriend Like oh should I? Yeah right?

1213
01:06:14,480 --> 01:06:17,800
Speaker 3: And I'm sure that like that may baby Daddy.

1214
01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:23,040
Speaker 4: Number one, Oh furious, So back to gang ship. Unfortunately,

1215
01:06:23,440 --> 01:06:31,080
Speaker 4: like we're in a relationship. My I moved, I ended

1216
01:06:31,160 --> 01:06:37,080
Speaker 4: up pregnant. I got pregnant with our first child. That ended.

1217
01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:41,120
Speaker 4: The pregnancy ended in a still still birth, so that

1218
01:06:41,160 --> 01:06:43,320
Speaker 4: baby didn't make it. But I was having like a

1219
01:06:43,360 --> 01:06:48,040
Speaker 4: little brother for my son, and my son was graduating preschool,

1220
01:06:48,680 --> 01:06:51,000
Speaker 4: and so it was like I was recovering from the

1221
01:06:51,040 --> 01:06:55,320
Speaker 4: still birth my son like it always is this time springtime.

1222
01:06:56,960 --> 01:07:02,640
Speaker 4: This is my mercury. So he was graduating, turning five.

1223
01:07:03,040 --> 01:07:08,760
Speaker 4: I had just lost the baby. Obviously we're all coming

1224
01:07:08,800 --> 01:07:12,840
Speaker 4: together for this monumentous time in my son's life. And

1225
01:07:13,160 --> 01:07:15,640
Speaker 4: what does baby Daddy number one do to Baby Daddy

1226
01:07:15,720 --> 01:07:20,920
Speaker 4: number two? Gang bang on him? He could help it.

1227
01:07:23,680 --> 01:07:26,919
Speaker 4: At the pre school graduation. At the pre school graduation.

1228
01:07:29,400 --> 01:07:32,400
Speaker 4: So my whole family is there, his whole family is there,

1229
01:07:32,520 --> 01:07:36,160
Speaker 4: and my partner is there, but on his own, just

1230
01:07:36,240 --> 01:07:40,560
Speaker 4: with us and our family as he should like. And

1231
01:07:41,120 --> 01:07:44,760
Speaker 4: my mom tells us to take a picture, so we

1232
01:07:44,880 --> 01:07:47,680
Speaker 4: take a picture, and so he is furious on the

1233
01:07:47,720 --> 01:07:50,840
Speaker 4: other side of the camera, like, Niga, that's my family,

1234
01:07:51,520 --> 01:07:54,000
Speaker 4: that's my family. And then he must have banged his

1235
01:07:54,160 --> 01:07:58,480
Speaker 4: hood and as I'm still post for the picture, motherfucker,

1236
01:07:58,520 --> 01:08:10,600
Speaker 4: fuck you own no baby, somebody helped me. I died

1237
01:08:11,720 --> 01:08:15,880
Speaker 4: on the inside instantly tried to distract my son because

1238
01:08:15,920 --> 01:08:17,800
Speaker 4: I was hearing this and I just thought I didn't

1239
01:08:17,840 --> 01:08:23,280
Speaker 4: know it was it was provoked partners. Yeah, yeah, and

1240
01:08:23,320 --> 01:08:26,040
Speaker 4: going off because he once he's on, it's over. It

1241
01:08:26,200 --> 01:08:26,759
Speaker 4: don't stop.

1242
01:08:26,880 --> 01:08:29,200
Speaker 3: I'm like, he must have caught him off guard because

1243
01:08:29,240 --> 01:08:29,680
Speaker 3: he's like.

1244
01:08:30,760 --> 01:08:34,439
Speaker 4: Well, he just he stay ready. So he ready for like,

1245
01:08:34,920 --> 01:08:36,600
Speaker 4: I know this thing. I'm not gonna be happy to

1246
01:08:36,640 --> 01:08:40,439
Speaker 4: see me, like you know, who would be happy? Who

1247
01:08:40,520 --> 01:08:44,120
Speaker 4: would be happy to like? So he knows there's opposition

1248
01:08:44,479 --> 01:08:48,000
Speaker 4: in this point in time, so he went like and

1249
01:08:48,040 --> 01:08:51,040
Speaker 4: then this was their first time ever seeing each other. Girl,

1250
01:08:52,720 --> 01:08:58,080
Speaker 4: I didn't realize, but I didn't realize that Yeah, everybody

1251
01:08:58,160 --> 01:09:01,000
Speaker 4: knew everybody was coming. It was no greed that anyone

1252
01:09:01,120 --> 01:09:05,080
Speaker 4: was gonna be there. Work that out one day before. Yeah,

1253
01:09:07,600 --> 01:09:12,280
Speaker 4: probably without gang Bang. Still my worst night. It's intense,

1254
01:09:12,560 --> 01:09:16,040
Speaker 4: it's entail bad. It's intense for that to go wrong.

1255
01:09:16,120 --> 01:09:19,040
Speaker 4: But it just happened very quickly too, like we were

1256
01:09:19,080 --> 01:09:22,120
Speaker 4: all having good moments. I even got an award at

1257
01:09:22,120 --> 01:09:27,000
Speaker 4: the graduation for being like volunteer something like like it

1258
01:09:27,040 --> 01:09:33,679
Speaker 4: was like come see he made like come to find out.

1259
01:09:33,840 --> 01:09:38,960
Speaker 4: The grandmother instigated the entire thing. I mean the other students.

1260
01:09:39,600 --> 01:09:41,800
Speaker 4: So we were kind of in a cluster, so we

1261
01:09:41,800 --> 01:09:45,280
Speaker 4: were so the situation was kind of blocked in by family.

1262
01:09:46,439 --> 01:09:50,960
Speaker 4: But it was sparking and getting loud. So maybe the

1263
01:09:51,000 --> 01:09:56,000
Speaker 4: hood other hood family, because you know, they know keywords,

1264
01:09:56,040 --> 01:09:58,240
Speaker 4: you know, so they might have been tuned into it.

1265
01:09:58,680 --> 01:10:01,280
Speaker 4: But my uncle, who's very professional, who I love, he

1266
01:10:01,439 --> 01:10:05,519
Speaker 4: like real quick like he took Andrea. And Andrea was

1267
01:10:05,560 --> 01:10:07,360
Speaker 4: like you gotta go here, go to keys, like get

1268
01:10:07,360 --> 01:10:13,200
Speaker 4: out of here. Well because Andre, honest, he went on

1269
01:10:13,240 --> 01:10:19,439
Speaker 4: some I'll kill like, oh baby no, because it went

1270
01:10:19,439 --> 01:10:22,280
Speaker 4: to hood. It went to hood stuff. It wasn't it

1271
01:10:22,360 --> 01:10:25,679
Speaker 4: was not on. He didn't say don't take a picture

1272
01:10:25,720 --> 01:10:31,400
Speaker 4: with my family, he said, some gang ship. So a

1273
01:10:31,439 --> 01:10:36,080
Speaker 4: gang member in LA gets back if you're a gang

1274
01:10:36,160 --> 01:10:39,360
Speaker 4: If you're a gang member, you get back on gang membership.

1275
01:10:39,439 --> 01:10:44,000
Speaker 4: You don't. Yeah, it's a mode. It's a mode. At

1276
01:10:44,000 --> 01:10:47,360
Speaker 4: the kindergarten graduation anymore. You're about you're not at the battlefield.

1277
01:10:47,400 --> 01:10:50,800
Speaker 4: It is a mode. It's a mode. And so gangster on,

1278
01:10:51,479 --> 01:10:58,920
Speaker 4: gangster on, and then from there he left and I

1279
01:10:58,960 --> 01:11:01,880
Speaker 4: got the most just I got a terrorist threat on

1280
01:11:01,960 --> 01:11:05,040
Speaker 4: my voicemail. I'll never forget it. I was like, this

1281
01:11:05,080 --> 01:11:07,920
Speaker 4: is a thing. You can't be doing this. Don't ever

1282
01:11:08,080 --> 01:11:11,559
Speaker 4: do this, like cause it became past nine to eleven.

1283
01:11:11,600 --> 01:11:14,599
Speaker 4: They made like terrorist threats, a really big like it's

1284
01:11:14,680 --> 01:11:19,519
Speaker 4: a crime. Don't do it people. So so he called

1285
01:11:19,600 --> 01:11:22,880
Speaker 4: my baby daddy calls me and leaves messages on my

1286
01:11:24,920 --> 01:11:29,920
Speaker 4: phone about what he will do to my bitch asz nigga.

1287
01:11:30,040 --> 01:11:33,080
Speaker 4: And then so this could have went so many different

1288
01:11:33,080 --> 01:11:35,800
Speaker 4: ways in hindsight, like I could have like tossed that,

1289
01:11:36,439 --> 01:11:40,040
Speaker 4: but then I felt like he is that dumb, Like

1290
01:11:40,120 --> 01:11:41,920
Speaker 4: he was that dumb to do what he did and

1291
01:11:42,000 --> 01:11:45,080
Speaker 4: cause this whole situation in the first place. So he's literally,

1292
01:11:45,840 --> 01:11:49,040
Speaker 4: you don't trust the fool. You gotta like take heed.

1293
01:11:49,400 --> 01:11:52,599
Speaker 4: So I was like torn. I like asked a few

1294
01:11:52,640 --> 01:11:56,880
Speaker 4: friends there. I got mixed reviews, like tell, don't tell,

1295
01:11:57,360 --> 01:12:01,080
Speaker 4: because how would I feel if he had caught him

1296
01:12:01,120 --> 01:12:05,760
Speaker 4: slipping on any occasion? So I like put him up

1297
01:12:05,760 --> 01:12:10,479
Speaker 4: on game. Then that's when shit got really real. Gang

1298
01:12:10,560 --> 01:12:13,679
Speaker 4: banging is for me. That was like the roughest time

1299
01:12:14,200 --> 01:12:16,920
Speaker 4: of that part of our relationship. Mind you, I just

1300
01:12:17,040 --> 01:12:22,639
Speaker 4: lost the baby, so I'm grieving that. I went full term.

1301
01:12:22,880 --> 01:12:26,679
Speaker 4: I went into labor. Ohl, Yeah, and so we thought

1302
01:12:26,960 --> 01:12:30,439
Speaker 4: during the entire labor, we thought like, Okay, this chord

1303
01:12:30,520 --> 01:12:35,720
Speaker 4: is gonna be wrapped, you know, because they well, so

1304
01:12:35,800 --> 01:12:38,360
Speaker 4: I had started having like pre labor. This is my

1305
01:12:38,600 --> 01:12:43,000
Speaker 4: second birth, so it's like, I know, kind of like

1306
01:12:43,080 --> 01:12:45,439
Speaker 4: based on what happened last time, when to go to

1307
01:12:45,479 --> 01:12:48,400
Speaker 4: the doctor, when not to go to the doctor. And

1308
01:12:48,600 --> 01:12:52,920
Speaker 4: with my first son, I did like the very wise,

1309
01:12:53,240 --> 01:12:56,720
Speaker 4: unwise thing to do. I was being sarcastic. It's a

1310
01:12:56,760 --> 01:12:59,520
Speaker 4: foolish thing to do to take what is that laxative

1311
01:12:59,600 --> 01:13:06,479
Speaker 4: that you cake some oil castor oil to like to

1312
01:13:06,720 --> 01:13:11,960
Speaker 4: injuice labor with when I was seventeen, So this labor.

1313
01:13:12,000 --> 01:13:14,599
Speaker 4: I'm like, I'm not doing that, and I'm like gonna

1314
01:13:14,600 --> 01:13:16,559
Speaker 4: write it out. So I never knew what like fake

1315
01:13:16,600 --> 01:13:19,280
Speaker 4: contractions were because when I did that, because I was

1316
01:13:19,320 --> 01:13:21,960
Speaker 4: seventeen and they and I had mucus and bloody show,

1317
01:13:22,000 --> 01:13:24,720
Speaker 4: they were like, admit her and I like had a

1318
01:13:24,760 --> 01:13:27,080
Speaker 4: twenty one hour labor in the hospital as a seventeen

1319
01:13:27,160 --> 01:13:34,160
Speaker 4: year ago with no medication like a boss. So that happened.

1320
01:13:34,520 --> 01:13:37,080
Speaker 4: But then so this time, I'm like, I'm gonna wait

1321
01:13:37,120 --> 01:13:39,080
Speaker 4: it out. I'm gonna be comfortable. I'm take a shower

1322
01:13:39,360 --> 01:13:43,960
Speaker 4: like I'm a chill so I'm having like Braxton Higgs

1323
01:13:44,040 --> 01:13:49,120
Speaker 4: Laby and like some other pain and discomfort, and I'm

1324
01:13:49,200 --> 01:13:51,080
Speaker 4: like very close to my dates, so I'm like cool,

1325
01:13:51,280 --> 01:13:53,680
Speaker 4: like were on. So I'm like, you know what, I

1326
01:13:53,720 --> 01:13:56,160
Speaker 4: can't do this one. Like it's getting a little real,

1327
01:13:56,520 --> 01:13:59,840
Speaker 4: Like I need someone to tell me stuff is still

1328
01:14:00,240 --> 01:14:04,559
Speaker 4: right because this feels intense. So decide to go to

1329
01:14:04,640 --> 01:14:08,519
Speaker 4: the hospital like I'm fully in labor now like it's happening.

1330
01:14:08,840 --> 01:14:13,439
Speaker 4: I'm nervous, get me there, let them send me home. Well,

1331
01:14:13,479 --> 01:14:15,120
Speaker 4: when I get there and they do the skin, they

1332
01:14:15,120 --> 01:14:19,640
Speaker 4: don't find a heartbeat, so then they like call specialists

1333
01:14:19,640 --> 01:14:23,080
Speaker 4: and other doctors like come look, come look, come look,

1334
01:14:23,479 --> 01:14:26,680
Speaker 4: And so everybody's come and look, and someone thinks something

1335
01:14:26,800 --> 01:14:30,760
Speaker 4: and then like the head head whoever needed to make

1336
01:14:30,760 --> 01:14:35,519
Speaker 4: the decision. Enough people saw no heartbeat. They monitor me anyway,

1337
01:14:35,520 --> 01:14:37,960
Speaker 4: but they let me know like there's no heartbeat. So

1338
01:14:38,000 --> 01:14:42,360
Speaker 4: then they tried to like start that quick process of

1339
01:14:42,560 --> 01:14:48,400
Speaker 4: getting you ready for yes, okay, and something was wrong.

1340
01:14:49,720 --> 01:14:55,280
Speaker 4: I was too anemic to have a C section, so

1341
01:14:55,320 --> 01:14:57,240
Speaker 4: I had They were like, okay, we got a doer

1342
01:14:57,360 --> 01:14:59,000
Speaker 4: and get this baby out, like we got to see

1343
01:14:59,000 --> 01:15:01,720
Speaker 4: because they're still thinking. The doctors, they like, we just

1344
01:15:01,720 --> 01:15:03,040
Speaker 4: got to get in there and see what's wrong so

1345
01:15:03,080 --> 01:15:06,240
Speaker 4: we can get it right. So I'm like, yeah, let's go.

1346
01:15:06,400 --> 01:15:08,479
Speaker 4: And then I'm like fuck when I hear that I

1347
01:15:08,520 --> 01:15:11,160
Speaker 4: can't have a CEA session because that's scary, and I'm

1348
01:15:11,200 --> 01:15:13,759
Speaker 4: here by myself, Like of course I have my partner,

1349
01:15:13,800 --> 01:15:16,400
Speaker 4: but this is his first kid. He's scared of shit,

1350
01:15:16,800 --> 01:15:20,280
Speaker 4: he's scared driving. I'm like, boy, just try to like it.

1351
01:15:20,439 --> 01:15:23,479
Speaker 4: Just tried to the hospital relaxed, like yeah, but he's

1352
01:15:23,520 --> 01:15:27,840
Speaker 4: all like like, niggadid, what did you do before you

1353
01:15:28,040 --> 01:15:33,000
Speaker 4: took me here? So he's there by himself with me,

1354
01:15:33,320 --> 01:15:37,400
Speaker 4: and he don't want to look at me, and he like,

1355
01:15:37,520 --> 01:15:40,080
Speaker 4: y'all gotta get here. I hear him telling like someone

1356
01:15:40,120 --> 01:15:42,240
Speaker 4: from my family, like y'all got to get here, Like

1357
01:15:42,320 --> 01:15:45,519
Speaker 4: they just told us that the baby don't have a heartbeat,

1358
01:15:45,640 --> 01:15:49,599
Speaker 4: like I'm here by myself, and so then everyone came

1359
01:15:49,640 --> 01:15:53,520
Speaker 4: from everywhere. I'm like, damn, I ain't seen you in years,

1360
01:15:54,160 --> 01:15:56,760
Speaker 4: and I'm like in denial, like no, I'm about to

1361
01:15:56,800 --> 01:15:58,840
Speaker 4: go have my baby, like I know it's a long time.

1362
01:15:58,880 --> 01:16:01,720
Speaker 4: But he's in the incubit like they if he was

1363
01:16:01,800 --> 01:16:03,920
Speaker 4: out and sick, they put him in the incubator. He's

1364
01:16:03,920 --> 01:16:07,840
Speaker 4: in the incubator like positive vibes, like I feel that

1365
01:16:07,880 --> 01:16:10,200
Speaker 4: he's gonna be fine, like he's gonna get out and

1366
01:16:10,560 --> 01:16:12,639
Speaker 4: like we're gonna start his hard and he's gonna cry

1367
01:16:12,680 --> 01:16:16,040
Speaker 4: and he's gonna want me like chill out. And everybody's

1368
01:16:16,120 --> 01:16:19,360
Speaker 4: like okay, Like I don't. Like they're whispering in front

1369
01:16:19,400 --> 01:16:21,240
Speaker 4: of me like should we let her think this or

1370
01:16:21,439 --> 01:16:24,240
Speaker 4: like is this healthy? Or maybe there is hope, Like

1371
01:16:24,280 --> 01:16:28,240
Speaker 4: there's mixed reviews all around the room. So I go

1372
01:16:28,320 --> 01:16:31,799
Speaker 4: through that and then I think at some point because

1373
01:16:31,840 --> 01:16:35,000
Speaker 4: it began to get dark. I like did this thing

1374
01:16:35,080 --> 01:16:38,200
Speaker 4: with my mind where I'm like, oh, fuck, like maybe

1375
01:16:38,240 --> 01:16:42,080
Speaker 4: I do need to like be prepared for it to

1376
01:16:42,120 --> 01:16:45,880
Speaker 4: go bad. And that was hard. Oh, that was the

1377
01:16:45,920 --> 01:16:49,680
Speaker 4: longest night of my life. But because you still had

1378
01:16:49,720 --> 01:16:51,599
Speaker 4: to go through labor. I had to go through labor,

1379
01:16:51,640 --> 01:16:54,559
Speaker 4: and I wasn't well enough to do anything different and

1380
01:16:54,600 --> 01:16:57,760
Speaker 4: I didn't even know, So that was like one of

1381
01:16:57,840 --> 01:17:01,759
Speaker 4: the longest nights in my life. I had that baby

1382
01:17:02,040 --> 01:17:05,200
Speaker 4: at like eight thirty two in the morning. And when

1383
01:17:05,400 --> 01:17:10,080
Speaker 4: I like I had the medicine, they gave me morphine.

1384
01:17:10,120 --> 01:17:13,680
Speaker 4: I remember cussing out my nurse. I don't remember her name,

1385
01:17:13,680 --> 01:17:17,839
Speaker 4: but I think it was Tanisha something Ysha. I cussed

1386
01:17:17,840 --> 01:17:21,799
Speaker 4: her out and at the end of like right before

1387
01:17:21,880 --> 01:17:25,040
Speaker 4: having him, like we just hugged and cried. And because

1388
01:17:25,040 --> 01:17:28,040
Speaker 4: it was just her and I in the room, she

1389
01:17:28,240 --> 01:17:30,439
Speaker 4: kept me strong. I don't think I could have pushed

1390
01:17:30,520 --> 01:17:35,439
Speaker 4: without her because her voice made the difference. I tuned

1391
01:17:35,479 --> 01:17:39,120
Speaker 4: everybody else out hours ago. So I'm sorry, no, no,

1392
01:17:39,920 --> 01:17:46,080
Speaker 4: having her there was powerful, But so I went through

1393
01:17:46,160 --> 01:17:48,920
Speaker 4: and true enough, the baby was deceased. There was no cord,

1394
01:17:49,000 --> 01:17:52,080
Speaker 4: so we were baffled, like what there was no chord

1395
01:17:52,080 --> 01:17:55,200
Speaker 4: wrapped around him, like not even one loop. So we

1396
01:17:55,200 --> 01:17:57,920
Speaker 4: were baffled, and I'm like giving given to me, like

1397
01:17:57,960 --> 01:18:00,800
Speaker 4: I want to see him, like no nobody touch him,

1398
01:18:00,840 --> 01:18:03,160
Speaker 4: give him to me. So I like almost like took

1399
01:18:03,200 --> 01:18:07,800
Speaker 4: him out myself and just help. He was so heavy

1400
01:18:08,520 --> 01:18:12,800
Speaker 4: ten pounds even ten pounds even, and I mean just

1401
01:18:13,680 --> 01:18:17,280
Speaker 4: heavy and lifeless, and like it didn't even take long

1402
01:18:17,320 --> 01:18:22,479
Speaker 4: for him to get cold. Babies, I'm sure you know

1403
01:18:22,520 --> 01:18:24,880
Speaker 4: you're both moms. You know how they have like the

1404
01:18:25,000 --> 01:18:28,479
Speaker 4: fractures and their skull for the birth canal, Like they

1405
01:18:28,520 --> 01:18:31,160
Speaker 4: don't why they say, like the baby's soft because they

1406
01:18:31,160 --> 01:18:36,120
Speaker 4: don't mesh together until after birth. So because of that,

1407
01:18:36,400 --> 01:18:40,800
Speaker 4: like we could fill the plates because he was so

1408
01:18:41,040 --> 01:18:44,720
Speaker 4: there was no blood flowing underneath it. We could like

1409
01:18:45,080 --> 01:18:51,400
Speaker 4: if you touched him a part with protrude slightly. He

1410
01:18:51,600 --> 01:18:55,240
Speaker 4: was big, he was beautiful, and I couldn't believe I

1411
01:18:55,240 --> 01:18:59,240
Speaker 4: did that. Did they know what happened? We We were young,

1412
01:18:59,600 --> 01:19:02,559
Speaker 4: We were sad. We were devastated, Like sad is not

1413
01:19:02,640 --> 01:19:07,320
Speaker 4: even a thing. Devastation doesn't even like there's like multiple

1414
01:19:07,840 --> 01:19:12,360
Speaker 4: levels of that. And we were there, but no one

1415
01:19:12,479 --> 01:19:16,360
Speaker 4: encouraged us because we were mourning so deeply that it

1416
01:19:16,400 --> 01:19:20,559
Speaker 4: would be for the medical field, it's best to get

1417
01:19:20,560 --> 01:19:22,800
Speaker 4: an autopsy. We just felt he had been through enough

1418
01:19:23,280 --> 01:19:26,600
Speaker 4: and we didn't want anyone to cut him. So we

1419
01:19:26,760 --> 01:19:32,960
Speaker 4: never found out an actual cause. Obviously we assume because

1420
01:19:33,040 --> 01:19:37,519
Speaker 4: I was unhealthy, and obviously I was getting mistreated as

1421
01:19:37,560 --> 01:19:41,200
Speaker 4: a woman, as this is my second baby and I'm

1422
01:19:41,240 --> 01:19:44,400
Speaker 4: only twenty something, Like I was literally getting brushed to

1423
01:19:44,439 --> 01:19:47,519
Speaker 4: the side for maybe a thirty something year old woman

1424
01:19:47,640 --> 01:19:52,720
Speaker 4: who was Caucasian and had you know, better insurance, you know,

1425
01:19:52,840 --> 01:19:56,880
Speaker 4: like I wouldn't mean you think that, like throughout your pregnancy,

1426
01:19:57,960 --> 01:20:02,000
Speaker 4: like going to the doctor, like you were caressed care correct, correct,

1427
01:20:02,520 --> 01:20:04,560
Speaker 4: Like no one was taking me seriously, Like I was

1428
01:20:04,600 --> 01:20:08,040
Speaker 4: a team mom who was here for round two, So

1429
01:20:08,080 --> 01:20:10,679
Speaker 4: you think, okay, they were just it was just yeah, well,

1430
01:20:11,080 --> 01:20:13,080
Speaker 4: because there's no way that I should have been sick

1431
01:20:13,080 --> 01:20:13,880
Speaker 4: and not known it.

1432
01:20:14,160 --> 01:20:18,479
Speaker 5: Right, Oh, like that level, yeah, that level of anemic

1433
01:20:18,520 --> 01:20:21,479
Speaker 5: and no one had mentioned there is something.

1434
01:20:21,640 --> 01:20:24,679
Speaker 3: Usually, Well, so you didn't know you were before this, Well.

1435
01:20:24,560 --> 01:20:26,680
Speaker 4: I knew I was anemic, but I didn't know to

1436
01:20:26,760 --> 01:20:30,719
Speaker 4: what degree and how how I should change your regimen? Well,

1437
01:20:31,120 --> 01:20:33,000
Speaker 4: the The thing of it is is that it was

1438
01:20:33,080 --> 01:20:35,920
Speaker 4: so deep that it was actually a concern for my health,

1439
01:20:37,640 --> 01:20:41,240
Speaker 4: like even to give the birth right because they don't

1440
01:20:41,280 --> 01:20:44,680
Speaker 4: know if the placenta is detached, if there's like some

1441
01:20:44,800 --> 01:20:47,200
Speaker 4: kind of open wound. They don't know. At this point,

1442
01:20:47,400 --> 01:20:51,280
Speaker 4: they're just why, like what are There's so many factors

1443
01:20:51,439 --> 01:20:55,240
Speaker 4: they they did hell of blood work to rule out

1444
01:20:55,320 --> 01:20:58,679
Speaker 4: like diseases and different things, but they were going there too,

1445
01:20:59,840 --> 01:21:02,400
Speaker 4: like I was scared for my life giving birth to

1446
01:21:02,439 --> 01:21:06,720
Speaker 4: this child because they couldn't answer a why how do

1447
01:21:06,760 --> 01:21:08,600
Speaker 4: you get over that? Do you get over that? How?

1448
01:21:08,760 --> 01:21:12,040
Speaker 4: What is your process? Because I can't like it, like

1449
01:21:13,400 --> 01:21:18,759
Speaker 4: it hurts me. Like individuals, the process will be different.

1450
01:21:18,880 --> 01:21:26,720
Speaker 4: Like some people heal in public, like they appreciate the

1451
01:21:26,760 --> 01:21:30,800
Speaker 4: public attention. They appreciate like the love and support that

1452
01:21:30,840 --> 01:21:34,720
Speaker 4: pours in in a tragic time. Other people, like myself,

1453
01:21:35,200 --> 01:21:40,479
Speaker 4: I am an internal out person, so my healing has

1454
01:21:40,479 --> 01:21:42,439
Speaker 4: to come from inside me. I have to grow it

1455
01:21:42,560 --> 01:21:47,240
Speaker 4: like a seed, water it, nurture it, and force myself

1456
01:21:47,600 --> 01:21:51,160
Speaker 4: to the other side. That's kind of my process, and

1457
01:21:51,200 --> 01:21:55,599
Speaker 4: that always has been because I always go inward, just

1458
01:21:55,640 --> 01:21:58,759
Speaker 4: from even not talking in my parents' house as a child,

1459
01:21:58,840 --> 01:22:03,160
Speaker 4: like I went in, so that helped. My partner helped

1460
01:22:03,160 --> 01:22:07,320
Speaker 4: a lot. He introduced me to running. You know, I

1461
01:22:07,320 --> 01:22:09,400
Speaker 4: did a cute workouts like I'm gonna go swim at

1462
01:22:09,400 --> 01:22:12,800
Speaker 4: the wide take this little class like ride a bike,

1463
01:22:13,520 --> 01:22:18,120
Speaker 4: go skating. He introduced me to hardcore running like in nature,

1464
01:22:18,960 --> 01:22:22,960
Speaker 4: and because I'm an animal, I felt like free, like

1465
01:22:23,240 --> 01:22:27,919
Speaker 4: I found myself like, oh I need to get addicted

1466
01:22:27,960 --> 01:22:30,280
Speaker 4: to this. I'm addicted to this. It became my out

1467
01:22:30,439 --> 01:22:34,520
Speaker 4: because at first I went dark for sure, like drug cigarettes,

1468
01:22:34,680 --> 01:22:40,759
Speaker 4: drinking like crazy shit. But I did have a nice

1469
01:22:41,439 --> 01:22:45,320
Speaker 4: core group of friends at the time that like, I

1470
01:22:45,360 --> 01:22:47,439
Speaker 4: am grateful for them, and I don't feel bad that

1471
01:22:47,520 --> 01:22:50,400
Speaker 4: if we don't have the same relationship because I know

1472
01:22:50,479 --> 01:22:52,600
Speaker 4: that they were there for that healing time. So I

1473
01:22:52,600 --> 01:22:56,320
Speaker 4: appreciate them to this day. Never will forget that, even

1474
01:22:56,360 --> 01:23:02,400
Speaker 4: if you don't hear from me, but just having that

1475
01:23:02,760 --> 01:23:05,080
Speaker 4: and then faith. My mother was in jail at the time,

1476
01:23:05,120 --> 01:23:07,120
Speaker 4: so she was like sending me all this bomb ass

1477
01:23:07,240 --> 01:23:10,559
Speaker 4: jail art, like road plaid out of toilet paper. I

1478
01:23:10,600 --> 01:23:13,160
Speaker 4: still have that shit. It's in his memory box of

1479
01:23:13,240 --> 01:23:17,000
Speaker 4: like all his pictures and certificates and all the information. Well,

1480
01:23:17,040 --> 01:23:18,920
Speaker 4: the hospital gave you know how like when you have

1481
01:23:18,960 --> 01:23:21,920
Speaker 4: a baby, they give you a gift bag or something. Well,

1482
01:23:21,960 --> 01:23:23,720
Speaker 4: when you don't get to take your baby home, they

1483
01:23:23,720 --> 01:23:28,400
Speaker 4: give you memories. Yeah, and this is a personal question.

1484
01:23:28,439 --> 01:23:30,920
Speaker 4: You don't have to answer it. Did you name him

1485
01:23:31,000 --> 01:23:34,479
Speaker 4: and do you associate him with a name or because

1486
01:23:35,000 --> 01:23:38,920
Speaker 4: we had to for legal reason, like you have to

1487
01:23:38,960 --> 01:23:42,519
Speaker 4: birth the baby and name it because it has to

1488
01:23:42,560 --> 01:23:48,000
Speaker 4: have a death certificate, not a birth certificate, but a

1489
01:23:48,080 --> 01:23:51,960
Speaker 4: record of the birth. So when it's a stillborn, you

1490
01:23:52,000 --> 01:23:55,360
Speaker 4: get a death certificate instead of your birth certificate for

1491
01:23:55,520 --> 01:23:59,080
Speaker 4: the child, and you do what you will want with it.

1492
01:23:59,160 --> 01:24:01,599
Speaker 4: Some people can't that. Some people, you know, it's just

1493
01:24:01,640 --> 01:24:04,840
Speaker 4: something that's documented in the government. Other people they keep

1494
01:24:04,880 --> 01:24:09,120
Speaker 4: it in their little keepsake box like I do. But

1495
01:24:09,640 --> 01:24:12,200
Speaker 4: they gave us memories like they had they did the

1496
01:24:12,240 --> 01:24:17,000
Speaker 4: same thing, but then it said something more poetic, you know,

1497
01:24:17,040 --> 01:24:22,519
Speaker 4: about your angel. And then they gave me a private

1498
01:24:22,600 --> 01:24:26,800
Speaker 4: room away like all the babies were like on that

1499
01:24:26,840 --> 01:24:29,640
Speaker 4: wing and I was over here. But they because they

1500
01:24:29,640 --> 01:24:33,040
Speaker 4: at first they wanted to put me in like on

1501
01:24:33,080 --> 01:24:35,240
Speaker 4: a different level that wasn't maternity, and I was like,

1502
01:24:35,280 --> 01:24:37,680
Speaker 4: I need maternity care. Yeah, why would I be in

1503
01:24:37,720 --> 01:24:40,000
Speaker 4: like an emergency room? People, Well, why would I be

1504
01:24:40,080 --> 01:24:43,760
Speaker 4: in a in a room with a person who's just

1505
01:24:43,800 --> 01:24:46,599
Speaker 4: got out of surgery, Like I'm not recovering from surgery.

1506
01:24:47,080 --> 01:24:50,879
Speaker 4: So I needed those nurses. So they at least respected

1507
01:24:50,880 --> 01:24:52,720
Speaker 4: my wishes on that. And then they were like, well,

1508
01:24:52,760 --> 01:24:55,120
Speaker 4: we don't have any rooms, like we have to put

1509
01:24:55,200 --> 01:24:57,640
Speaker 4: you in with another mom who has a baby. And

1510
01:24:57,680 --> 01:25:00,920
Speaker 4: I was like, I'll die, like and so they they

1511
01:25:01,080 --> 01:25:04,720
Speaker 4: made room for me. My og Tanisha, who held me

1512
01:25:04,760 --> 01:25:08,280
Speaker 4: down that she went, she went. She was like, who

1513
01:25:08,280 --> 01:25:11,040
Speaker 4: told you that? And she went and got it together

1514
01:25:11,120 --> 01:25:13,600
Speaker 4: and they took me to a private room. She was

1515
01:25:13,640 --> 01:25:17,000
Speaker 4: like she was she was God sent during that time

1516
01:25:17,040 --> 01:25:19,080
Speaker 4: because I didn't care about my grandma. I didn't care

1517
01:25:19,280 --> 01:25:22,479
Speaker 4: and that's like that's my best woman alive. I didn't

1518
01:25:22,479 --> 01:25:24,680
Speaker 4: care about my dad. I didn't care about him, like

1519
01:25:25,200 --> 01:25:28,080
Speaker 4: he didn't even exist to me. Like I had even

1520
01:25:28,120 --> 01:25:31,640
Speaker 4: forgotten about my own child for a minute, because I

1521
01:25:31,720 --> 01:25:35,680
Speaker 4: was like this too much, like this is not just

1522
01:25:35,720 --> 01:25:38,280
Speaker 4: like I didn't see my things going south with his dad.

1523
01:25:38,320 --> 01:25:41,400
Speaker 4: I had rewrote my story. It was cuter now, you know.

1524
01:25:42,439 --> 01:25:47,760
Speaker 4: And that was like okay, starting all over again. I

1525
01:25:47,840 --> 01:25:50,240
Speaker 4: was scared to get pregnant again. Yeah, I was gonna

1526
01:25:50,280 --> 01:25:53,040
Speaker 4: ask you scared to have sex? I thought. I was

1527
01:25:53,400 --> 01:25:56,640
Speaker 4: like like, oh, that's it. I might as well go

1528
01:25:57,600 --> 01:26:01,560
Speaker 4: bury myself with him, like I didn't think I was

1529
01:26:01,600 --> 01:26:06,200
Speaker 4: alive anymore for at least six months. And then for him,

1530
01:26:06,320 --> 01:26:10,920
Speaker 4: poor poor my partner, his grandmother had passed the week prior,

1531
01:26:11,320 --> 01:26:13,679
Speaker 4: so he couldn't stay at the hospital with me because

1532
01:26:13,680 --> 01:26:16,040
Speaker 4: the next morning he was being a pallbearer for his

1533
01:26:16,080 --> 01:26:19,599
Speaker 4: grandma who raised him. So it was like he told

1534
01:26:19,640 --> 01:26:22,759
Speaker 4: me later that once we moved out of that place,

1535
01:26:22,840 --> 01:26:28,879
Speaker 4: he told me like he thought about like killing himself.

1536
01:26:29,479 --> 01:26:35,400
Speaker 4: I mean, I can understand all that loss. And then

1537
01:26:35,439 --> 01:26:37,679
Speaker 4: to back to back it was it was like I said,

1538
01:26:37,720 --> 01:26:41,160
Speaker 4: it was devastating on a whole new level. Started asking yourself,

1539
01:26:41,280 --> 01:26:45,559
Speaker 4: what's happening? Why? You know? And I did think that.

1540
01:26:45,720 --> 01:26:49,280
Speaker 4: I thought something has to be wrong, send me the results,

1541
01:26:49,320 --> 01:26:51,920
Speaker 4: like what am I dying? Like I was preparing for

1542
01:26:52,000 --> 01:26:56,879
Speaker 4: my own funeral in those next few months. And then

1543
01:26:57,439 --> 01:27:00,320
Speaker 4: two of my girlfriends had babies, and they both have

1544
01:27:00,439 --> 01:27:06,040
Speaker 4: baby boys, so they thought like that I didn't want

1545
01:27:06,040 --> 01:27:08,519
Speaker 4: to be around them or want to be with them,

1546
01:27:08,520 --> 01:27:10,599
Speaker 4: and I was like, now give me those boys, let

1547
01:27:10,680 --> 01:27:13,240
Speaker 4: me see them, let me hear them. I gave them

1548
01:27:13,240 --> 01:27:16,320
Speaker 4: all my baby stuff, like here and make sure you

1549
01:27:16,439 --> 01:27:19,240
Speaker 4: let me see them wearing it, Like I want to

1550
01:27:19,280 --> 01:27:21,360
Speaker 4: see this shit. I bought this for him. He's not

1551
01:27:21,439 --> 01:27:24,960
Speaker 4: here put your babies in this. So it kind of

1552
01:27:25,000 --> 01:27:28,040
Speaker 4: went like that, and then over time I got stronger.

1553
01:27:28,960 --> 01:27:33,439
Speaker 4: My relationship with my partner kind of fell apart a

1554
01:27:33,479 --> 01:27:37,479
Speaker 4: few times, but it's only natural because in the beginning

1555
01:27:37,560 --> 01:27:41,240
Speaker 4: I held so much resentment towards him as well, Like

1556
01:27:41,439 --> 01:27:45,200
Speaker 4: I like was like, this is your fault, Like I

1557
01:27:45,240 --> 01:27:48,599
Speaker 4: had this motherfucker's baby with no problem. This is on you.

1558
01:27:48,960 --> 01:27:51,880
Speaker 4: What the fuck did you do? I don't deserve this,

1559
01:27:52,320 --> 01:27:57,479
Speaker 4: Like that was what I was looking at the situation. Yeah,

1560
01:27:57,640 --> 01:28:01,720
Speaker 4: and it was. It was totally his thought like and

1561
01:28:01,760 --> 01:28:05,040
Speaker 4: then and then if anybody had a thought about it,

1562
01:28:05,320 --> 01:28:12,040
Speaker 4: you and him right, like too right, totally, totally totally.

1563
01:28:12,080 --> 01:28:14,599
Speaker 4: I remember having a really tough moment with my son

1564
01:28:14,680 --> 01:28:19,759
Speaker 4: during that time because I had we were home alone,

1565
01:28:20,080 --> 01:28:23,439
Speaker 4: which was rare for us at this point. When I

1566
01:28:23,479 --> 01:28:27,720
Speaker 4: had this moment, someone was always on deck. If it

1567
01:28:27,760 --> 01:28:31,600
Speaker 4: wasn't him, my partner. It was like a relative, a girlfriend.

1568
01:28:31,640 --> 01:28:33,680
Speaker 4: Someone was always on deck. And this was my very

1569
01:28:33,720 --> 01:28:37,400
Speaker 4: first time being alone with my son since my delivering

1570
01:28:37,600 --> 01:28:42,880
Speaker 4: my dead son. And he needed me for something. You know,

1571
01:28:43,040 --> 01:28:46,160
Speaker 4: he's five years old. He needs me, So he needed

1572
01:28:46,160 --> 01:28:49,000
Speaker 4: me for something. And I was like, don't you say

1573
01:28:49,080 --> 01:28:55,519
Speaker 4: I'm struggling, don't ask me for shit, like I don't

1574
01:28:55,560 --> 01:29:01,120
Speaker 4: mean last no. Yeah, Like I was really like sitting

1575
01:29:01,160 --> 01:29:03,599
Speaker 4: in a corner somewhere. He came and asked me something

1576
01:29:03,600 --> 01:29:07,160
Speaker 4: and that was my response. And his response to my

1577
01:29:07,280 --> 01:29:10,559
Speaker 4: response was him like breaking down. He's like, mom, I

1578
01:29:10,680 --> 01:29:14,800
Speaker 4: need you too, you have more than one. Oh, don't

1579
01:29:14,840 --> 01:29:19,840
Speaker 4: do that. Oh my god. That's so that was a

1580
01:29:19,880 --> 01:29:24,679
Speaker 4: breaking point. That was a breaking point for me. He's

1581
01:29:24,760 --> 01:29:29,760
Speaker 4: feeling humans. Yeah, and it was actual truth, like he

1582
01:29:29,840 --> 01:29:35,120
Speaker 4: wasn't he wasn't wrong. Hello, he spoke to my soul.

1583
01:29:35,400 --> 01:29:38,360
Speaker 4: He spoke directly to my soul with that. Because that's

1584
01:29:38,600 --> 01:29:40,639
Speaker 4: all I did was internalize that, and then I got

1585
01:29:40,680 --> 01:29:43,320
Speaker 4: back on my ship like I did when I decided

1586
01:29:43,360 --> 01:29:48,120
Speaker 4: to be celibate. I refocused and I like, okay, so

1587
01:29:48,160 --> 01:29:50,320
Speaker 4: I became focused on like let me spend time on

1588
01:29:50,360 --> 01:29:53,439
Speaker 4: the like I'm grateful to have this kid, like it's

1589
01:29:53,479 --> 01:29:56,040
Speaker 4: all about you deserve the world. We're gonna go get it.

1590
01:29:56,520 --> 01:29:59,040
Speaker 4: Your brother didn't die for nothing, like, we're going to

1591
01:29:59,080 --> 01:30:04,240
Speaker 4: go get this. And so I refocused. And then because

1592
01:30:04,240 --> 01:30:07,679
Speaker 4: I was so negative, it was hard for my partner

1593
01:30:07,720 --> 01:30:10,080
Speaker 4: to grieve and be around me because not only is

1594
01:30:10,080 --> 01:30:14,160
Speaker 4: he mourning his son, he's mourning his grandmother. So like

1595
01:30:14,200 --> 01:30:16,160
Speaker 4: there's a lot that comes with that too, that his

1596
01:30:16,200 --> 01:30:19,000
Speaker 4: grandmother was a staple in his family and like so

1597
01:30:19,680 --> 01:30:23,960
Speaker 4: when that happened for his family, his family was tearing apart.

1598
01:30:24,160 --> 01:30:28,240
Speaker 4: So he had this situation and then his comfort was me,

1599
01:30:28,760 --> 01:30:31,080
Speaker 4: you know what, what what makes me think? It's like

1600
01:30:31,640 --> 01:30:35,240
Speaker 4: so often when situations like like when a woman loses

1601
01:30:35,280 --> 01:30:38,840
Speaker 4: a child, it's the woman is are you? People are

1602
01:30:38,880 --> 01:30:42,439
Speaker 4: surrounded by the women. They don't they forget about the father. Correct,

1603
01:30:42,560 --> 01:30:47,680
Speaker 4: they don't like you? Good? Okay. Everyone kept telling him

1604
01:30:47,720 --> 01:30:52,320
Speaker 4: like keep her straight, keep like he was like and

1605
01:30:52,960 --> 01:30:55,160
Speaker 4: like in blowing up, he was like, I'm so tired

1606
01:30:55,160 --> 01:30:57,759
Speaker 4: of here people tell me to keep it, keep you straight?

1607
01:30:59,000 --> 01:31:05,720
Speaker 4: What about me? Yeah? So that would like that kind

1608
01:31:05,800 --> 01:31:08,240
Speaker 4: of like we needed the space, but he was still

1609
01:31:08,240 --> 01:31:11,680
Speaker 4: there for me. So that part of our relationship was

1610
01:31:11,720 --> 01:31:15,759
Speaker 4: like our rockiest like we were trying to figure out, like, dude,

1611
01:31:15,840 --> 01:31:17,920
Speaker 4: you want to break out because if you break out,

1612
01:31:18,000 --> 01:31:20,360
Speaker 4: I break out and we won't think nothing of it.

1613
01:31:20,680 --> 01:31:25,120
Speaker 4: But then we felt like, nah, like you're it, so

1614
01:31:25,160 --> 01:31:27,280
Speaker 4: I have to sit here and work this out with you.

1615
01:31:27,400 --> 01:31:29,599
Speaker 4: It's just really hard and really tough, and I might

1616
01:31:29,640 --> 01:31:32,280
Speaker 4: not do it right. So that was like a very

1617
01:31:32,400 --> 01:31:38,000
Speaker 4: challenging That was like our foundation to like having a

1618
01:31:38,080 --> 01:31:42,719
Speaker 4: real relationship. And we both decided to stick it out

1619
01:31:43,000 --> 01:31:46,280
Speaker 4: versus like caving or walking away. And I don't think

1620
01:31:46,320 --> 01:31:49,240
Speaker 4: either of us would have even been mad if like

1621
01:31:49,360 --> 01:31:51,960
Speaker 4: that had happened and we dissolved the relationship. We both

1622
01:31:52,000 --> 01:31:56,400
Speaker 4: would have mutually respected that time in our lives. But

1623
01:31:56,520 --> 01:32:00,040
Speaker 4: for whatever reason, we like came back and then we

1624
01:32:00,120 --> 01:32:03,880
Speaker 4: were like, we're gonna plan to have a baby, right,

1625
01:32:05,160 --> 01:32:08,639
Speaker 4: and we did, and that's our best joy, our daughter,

1626
01:32:09,000 --> 01:32:10,840
Speaker 4: Like that was the baby that came out of that

1627
01:32:10,920 --> 01:32:14,519
Speaker 4: situation of us planning and like pouring love into each

1628
01:32:14,520 --> 01:32:19,400
Speaker 4: other and pouring loves into ourselves. And she legitimately, like

1629
01:32:19,560 --> 01:32:21,599
Speaker 4: from the day she was born, she was always called

1630
01:32:21,600 --> 01:32:24,719
Speaker 4: a bundle of joy, and she came into this world

1631
01:32:24,800 --> 01:32:27,840
Speaker 4: that she's still she hasn't lost it yet. I'm waiting.

1632
01:32:27,920 --> 01:32:30,120
Speaker 4: I keep waking up every morning, like is a student.

1633
01:32:31,160 --> 01:32:35,559
Speaker 4: She's the one that will be eleven. She's almost eleven

1634
01:32:35,640 --> 01:32:40,240
Speaker 4: years old, and she's like just the best blessing. She

1635
01:32:40,640 --> 01:32:45,639
Speaker 4: keeps our house in order with all the crazy shit

1636
01:32:45,840 --> 01:32:49,479
Speaker 4: of having a eighteen year old brother and a two

1637
01:32:49,600 --> 01:32:53,080
Speaker 4: year old brother. She keeps that shit like, mam, these

1638
01:32:53,160 --> 01:32:57,719
Speaker 4: niggas not about to drive us crazy. We are doing this,

1639
01:32:57,720 --> 01:33:01,280
Speaker 4: this and this today. I don't care if my brother

1640
01:33:01,360 --> 01:33:04,360
Speaker 4: needs this or the baby needs this, Like we're yeah,

1641
01:33:04,800 --> 01:33:08,000
Speaker 4: and I love her. I'm like, you are so bombed,

1642
01:33:08,720 --> 01:33:13,479
Speaker 4: little life saver. But she she is the baby we

1643
01:33:13,560 --> 01:33:16,680
Speaker 4: plan for and she's like amazing. And then then then

1644
01:33:16,720 --> 01:33:23,200
Speaker 4: there's the baby we didn't plan for. That is that

1645
01:33:23,320 --> 01:33:27,080
Speaker 4: is in my a. That's that Miami baby. Correct. He's

1646
01:33:27,160 --> 01:33:30,479
Speaker 4: like always turned out to like this city. Don't sleep

1647
01:33:30,520 --> 01:33:33,720
Speaker 4: mom when you talk about you knew what you was

1648
01:33:33,800 --> 01:33:37,480
Speaker 4: doing right, Oh my god, that's so beautiful.

1649
01:33:37,640 --> 01:33:43,360
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's just crazy, just life and the lessons and

1650
01:33:43,400 --> 01:33:43,720
Speaker 5: how it.

1651
01:33:43,720 --> 01:33:46,639
Speaker 4: Teaches you and how you know and you are so strong,

1652
01:33:46,760 --> 01:33:49,559
Speaker 4: So I get that a lot, and I and I'm

1653
01:33:49,960 --> 01:33:53,080
Speaker 4: I appreciate you saying that, so thank you for sure.

1654
01:33:53,680 --> 01:33:57,360
Speaker 4: It's never like something that I planned to be. It's

1655
01:33:57,479 --> 01:34:00,040
Speaker 4: things that I just had to be. I had, like

1656
01:34:00,080 --> 01:34:02,479
Speaker 4: I had no choice. Like my mom was no punk,

1657
01:34:02,800 --> 01:34:04,840
Speaker 4: so even if she got win like oh you was

1658
01:34:04,880 --> 01:34:07,000
Speaker 4: out there being a buster, like, that's a problem for me.

1659
01:34:07,080 --> 01:34:09,800
Speaker 4: And that might be that hood shit, that gang mentality,

1660
01:34:10,040 --> 01:34:11,720
Speaker 4: but that's the problem. I can't be out here being

1661
01:34:11,720 --> 01:34:15,479
Speaker 4: no punk. So I got a boss up and do

1662
01:34:15,560 --> 01:34:17,760
Speaker 4: whatever it is. I don't know what we're doing, but

1663
01:34:17,960 --> 01:34:19,960
Speaker 4: here we go. I think we as women, we just

1664
01:34:20,040 --> 01:34:21,760
Speaker 4: boss up and we just do that shit, you know

1665
01:34:21,840 --> 01:34:23,360
Speaker 4: what I mean. Like I always told me and then

1666
01:34:23,400 --> 01:34:25,439
Speaker 4: I say my podcast all the time that women we

1667
01:34:25,520 --> 01:34:28,160
Speaker 4: just we just figure it out. That's what we do,

1668
01:34:28,360 --> 01:34:30,639
Speaker 4: you know what I mean. That's why we're so fucking strong,

1669
01:34:30,880 --> 01:34:34,120
Speaker 4: you know. And listening to your story, I'm like, damn, like, yeah,

1670
01:34:34,240 --> 01:34:37,880
Speaker 4: it's it's it's something that I'm about to be a woman.

1671
01:34:38,120 --> 01:34:40,840
Speaker 4: Like the reminder of that it makes me so proud.

1672
01:34:40,880 --> 01:34:42,920
Speaker 4: Like and I tell my son all the time, the

1673
01:34:42,960 --> 01:34:46,679
Speaker 4: older one, when he tries me, like, boy, you don't

1674
01:34:46,680 --> 01:34:49,880
Speaker 4: know if your mom is Yeah, let me. I held

1675
01:34:49,960 --> 01:34:51,880
Speaker 4: some peace in the streets that summer when you was

1676
01:34:51,920 --> 01:34:57,320
Speaker 4: graduating from pre school. I didn't nobody here get blown out, like,

1677
01:34:57,600 --> 01:35:00,200
Speaker 4: don't blame me, little boy, And don't you know had

1678
01:35:00,280 --> 01:35:05,680
Speaker 4: straight a's and fifty six absences. My granddad for a

1679
01:35:05,680 --> 01:35:08,599
Speaker 4: long time had that ship on the wall, Like I'm like, Papa,

1680
01:35:08,920 --> 01:35:11,080
Speaker 4: put mine the plumb up or something. While you got this,

1681
01:35:11,320 --> 01:35:13,360
Speaker 4: You're like, cause I don't understand how a person could

1682
01:35:13,360 --> 01:35:20,760
Speaker 4: be absent, And I'm like, I do that. That's a frame.

1683
01:35:20,840 --> 01:35:25,680
Speaker 4: That's a fable, piece of remarkable upon everything else that's

1684
01:35:27,040 --> 01:35:30,080
Speaker 4: are lying to people and say I did that is

1685
01:35:30,360 --> 01:35:35,800
Speaker 4: podcast that was not goodness? Who else do you know?

1686
01:35:37,320 --> 01:35:40,200
Speaker 3: I'm so happy you came today, girl, I'm so great.

1687
01:35:40,320 --> 01:35:42,439
Speaker 4: Same, thank you so much for having me.

1688
01:35:42,560 --> 01:35:45,960
Speaker 9: Like deeply grateful for your story and just coming and

1689
01:35:46,040 --> 01:35:47,280
Speaker 9: talking and sharing.

1690
01:35:47,640 --> 01:35:49,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, of course.

1691
01:35:49,479 --> 01:35:49,519
Speaker 2: No.

1692
01:35:49,760 --> 01:35:55,320
Speaker 4: I know that there's people who have a kid in

1693
01:35:55,439 --> 01:35:58,519
Speaker 4: teenage years and then they had another kid because they're

1694
01:35:58,560 --> 01:36:01,320
Speaker 4: in a new relationship and why not and they're like,

1695
01:36:01,360 --> 01:36:04,760
Speaker 4: what the fuck did I do? We all did that?

1696
01:36:05,920 --> 01:36:09,920
Speaker 4: Well I did, And then there's like people who suffer

1697
01:36:09,960 --> 01:36:15,400
Speaker 4: from still born. There's still moms, you know, and there's

1698
01:36:15,760 --> 01:36:19,320
Speaker 4: it's just mom shit. Like I said earlier, it's just mom, shit,

1699
01:36:19,520 --> 01:36:26,280
Speaker 4: we it's always something true, It's always something but you know, thankfully,

1700
01:36:26,600 --> 01:36:29,360
Speaker 4: like we're so strong and thankfully we do have children

1701
01:36:29,400 --> 01:36:33,400
Speaker 4: to show us the light man and to that darkness.

1702
01:36:33,960 --> 01:36:36,120
Speaker 4: The way your son like he literally grabbed your hand

1703
01:36:36,160 --> 01:36:38,120
Speaker 4: and was like, took you. How do we here alone?

1704
01:36:38,120 --> 01:36:42,000
Speaker 4: I've been meaning to tell you something. Yeah, right, you

1705
01:36:42,160 --> 01:36:44,800
Speaker 4: know what I mean. My daughter too, Like she's gotten

1706
01:36:44,840 --> 01:36:47,800
Speaker 4: me through so many things. She checks me constantly. She

1707
01:36:47,920 --> 01:36:50,960
Speaker 4: is my constant, like like the litmus test, you know

1708
01:36:51,040 --> 01:36:53,360
Speaker 4: what I mean, just constant, yes, yes, And that's how

1709
01:36:53,360 --> 01:36:56,080
Speaker 4: I feel about girls. We keep us on our toes.

1710
01:36:56,120 --> 01:36:57,080
Speaker 9: You know, I was going to tell you when you

1711
01:36:57,080 --> 01:36:59,160
Speaker 9: said your mama sending you like her art, I was like,

1712
01:36:59,240 --> 01:37:03,280
Speaker 9: you know, of course of all the time you've probably

1713
01:37:03,320 --> 01:37:05,240
Speaker 9: been doing this and doing that, at that time, at

1714
01:37:05,280 --> 01:37:07,440
Speaker 9: that moment, she was she was clear.

1715
01:37:07,479 --> 01:37:11,240
Speaker 4: She was clear, and she was and she was so

1716
01:37:11,320 --> 01:37:13,360
Speaker 4: dedicated to me at that time I heard from my

1717
01:37:13,400 --> 01:37:16,639
Speaker 4: mom on a daily basis. But be a male, right,

1718
01:37:16,760 --> 01:37:19,439
Speaker 4: but still, you know what I mean, at that time

1719
01:37:19,520 --> 01:37:23,559
Speaker 4: in your life when I needed her, yep, absolutely, oh

1720
01:37:23,720 --> 01:37:27,479
Speaker 4: shout already you did that. You was there. Can nobody

1721
01:37:27,560 --> 01:37:31,880
Speaker 4: take that from you? Oh, my gosh, yeah, I know

1722
01:37:32,080 --> 01:37:35,360
Speaker 4: that that she was amazing. She was very very much

1723
01:37:35,400 --> 01:37:36,719
Speaker 4: a part of that healing.

1724
01:37:37,520 --> 01:37:43,280
Speaker 12: Perfect parents nor the people we come through, the lessons

1725
01:37:43,320 --> 01:37:46,680
Speaker 12: we we come through, and there's lessons in everything we

1726
01:37:46,840 --> 01:37:47,920
Speaker 12: choose our parents.

1727
01:37:48,400 --> 01:37:52,400
Speaker 4: I really believe that because I really think that my angel,

1728
01:37:52,439 --> 01:37:55,960
Speaker 4: which which is what I call him, I really do

1729
01:37:56,120 --> 01:37:59,320
Speaker 4: think that he chose me to grow me. There's so

1730
01:37:59,439 --> 01:38:04,120
Speaker 4: many things where it's near bad, like near oh if

1731
01:38:04,160 --> 01:38:05,840
Speaker 4: that would have happened, that would been real fucked up,

1732
01:38:06,240 --> 01:38:08,439
Speaker 4: or if that would have happened, he was there stopping

1733
01:38:08,479 --> 01:38:10,880
Speaker 4: that whole little gang shit from happening, because that was

1734
01:38:11,000 --> 01:38:18,360
Speaker 4: almost left. But he was there in those missed moments

1735
01:38:18,400 --> 01:38:21,120
Speaker 4: where it could have been bad. And he has reminded

1736
01:38:21,120 --> 01:38:23,920
Speaker 4: me of that, and I've never like not felt him

1737
01:38:24,400 --> 01:38:28,280
Speaker 4: with me through some of those bad times where it's like,

1738
01:38:28,280 --> 01:38:31,840
Speaker 4: oh shit, I have an angel, Like thank you baby,

1739
01:38:32,040 --> 01:38:34,920
Speaker 4: right like looking out And I tell my kids that

1740
01:38:34,960 --> 01:38:36,840
Speaker 4: all the time when they have moments where they're not

1741
01:38:36,880 --> 01:38:40,320
Speaker 4: feeling confident or they're I'm like, you have an angel.

1742
01:38:40,640 --> 01:38:47,040
Speaker 4: Brother asked the nigga to pull some strings, you would

1743
01:38:47,120 --> 01:38:49,479
Speaker 4: do it if he was here he was popping or

1744
01:38:49,520 --> 01:38:52,920
Speaker 4: something like, hey, bro, Like, I'm like, asked the nigga

1745
01:38:52,920 --> 01:38:56,040
Speaker 4: pull some strings, like you have stuff working for you,

1746
01:38:56,600 --> 01:39:00,479
Speaker 4: Like not everybody has an angel brother like you legit

1747
01:39:00,680 --> 01:39:04,519
Speaker 4: got that. There's two things that are crazy about, like

1748
01:39:04,640 --> 01:39:07,920
Speaker 4: how I have kids. There's there was this in the

1749
01:39:08,040 --> 01:39:10,639
Speaker 4: early two thousands, there was this like popular psychic lady

1750
01:39:10,720 --> 01:39:14,680
Speaker 4: Kim Allen, and she you had to call in to

1751
01:39:14,720 --> 01:39:16,840
Speaker 4: get a reading. She was in New York and she

1752
01:39:16,880 --> 01:39:19,599
Speaker 4: didn't do in person readings anyway, so everything was like

1753
01:39:19,800 --> 01:39:21,720
Speaker 4: call in. I'm gonna give you a private number to

1754
01:39:21,720 --> 01:39:25,040
Speaker 4: call where we won't get interrupted. Call that number at

1755
01:39:25,040 --> 01:39:27,880
Speaker 4: this time, have a pen and paper. So she told me.

1756
01:39:27,960 --> 01:39:30,120
Speaker 4: This is before I got with Bait, where she was

1757
01:39:30,240 --> 01:39:32,880
Speaker 4: like telling me have a pen and paper, and so

1758
01:39:32,920 --> 01:39:35,599
Speaker 4: I was like running names off to her, like and

1759
01:39:35,640 --> 01:39:39,240
Speaker 4: what about this person? And she was like I never

1760
01:39:39,280 --> 01:39:41,160
Speaker 4: heard anybody go to a psychic anybody.

1761
01:39:43,439 --> 01:39:45,680
Speaker 3: Oh well, I'm actually.

1762
01:39:46,920 --> 01:39:50,120
Speaker 4: Legit legit that was me during my reading. And so

1763
01:39:50,320 --> 01:39:55,240
Speaker 4: she's like tired of me at this point. So she's

1764
01:39:55,360 --> 01:39:59,639
Speaker 4: like the Taurists, who's the Taurust And she's like, well,

1765
01:39:59,720 --> 01:40:02,640
Speaker 4: that is the one. And I was like him, like, uh,

1766
01:40:03,000 --> 01:40:07,760
Speaker 4: let's tell me something else about one of these. Yeah,

1767
01:40:07,960 --> 01:40:10,479
Speaker 4: oh my god, that was a thing. Tell me about

1768
01:40:10,479 --> 01:40:16,280
Speaker 4: the burgos on that paper. But anyway, the thing that

1769
01:40:16,320 --> 01:40:18,200
Speaker 4: she said, because I always knew that I wanted to

1770
01:40:18,280 --> 01:40:21,000
Speaker 4: have kids a son, because I had him first a

1771
01:40:21,120 --> 01:40:22,840
Speaker 4: daughter and then a son. I used to tell my

1772
01:40:22,880 --> 01:40:24,800
Speaker 4: friends this all the time, like I want to son

1773
01:40:24,880 --> 01:40:28,439
Speaker 4: a daughter, son, so that my son can protect his

1774
01:40:28,520 --> 01:40:31,240
Speaker 4: sister and so my daughter can like tell her baby

1775
01:40:31,280 --> 01:40:32,599
Speaker 4: brother about these bitches.

1776
01:40:33,960 --> 01:40:34,599
Speaker 1: We need these.

1777
01:40:36,040 --> 01:40:39,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, And so I asked her specifically the psychic during

1778
01:40:39,240 --> 01:40:44,120
Speaker 4: the reading, like like I'm always wanted kids disorder, like

1779
01:40:44,160 --> 01:40:47,240
Speaker 4: am I gonna have that? And she answers me, it

1780
01:40:47,280 --> 01:40:49,920
Speaker 4: depends on how you look at it. And I was

1781
01:40:50,000 --> 01:40:53,240
Speaker 4: so angry, like I was telling my friends, don't call her,

1782
01:40:53,600 --> 01:40:56,439
Speaker 4: cancel y'all appointment, get yell money back, because I'm like,

1783
01:40:56,520 --> 01:40:58,920
Speaker 4: that's the one thing I asked you, like a definite,

1784
01:40:58,960 --> 01:41:03,840
Speaker 4: specific answer, and you tell me some shit like it

1785
01:41:03,840 --> 01:41:06,320
Speaker 4: depends on how you look at it. And She's totally

1786
01:41:06,760 --> 01:41:08,800
Speaker 4: I didn't even make sense because at the time I

1787
01:41:08,800 --> 01:41:11,320
Speaker 4: only had a daughter, I mean, my son. I didn't

1788
01:41:11,360 --> 01:41:14,720
Speaker 4: even have my daughter, so I didn't even get it

1789
01:41:14,800 --> 01:41:18,320
Speaker 4: until I had this baby in twenty seventeen. You look

1790
01:41:18,400 --> 01:41:21,000
Speaker 4: back on that. I look back on that and recalled

1791
01:41:21,040 --> 01:41:23,800
Speaker 4: that situation, was like, this is what she meant, and

1792
01:41:23,840 --> 01:41:26,519
Speaker 4: the reason she means it is because right now in

1793
01:41:26,520 --> 01:41:28,880
Speaker 4: front of me, the kids that I have present, it's

1794
01:41:28,920 --> 01:41:32,920
Speaker 4: in that order. The kids at birth is not also

1795
01:41:33,479 --> 01:41:36,320
Speaker 4: the kids I have with my partner. It's in that order.

1796
01:41:37,000 --> 01:41:41,320
Speaker 4: So however you look at this, it depends on what

1797
01:41:42,160 --> 01:41:45,719
Speaker 4: you you're having. When you and I was like, damn, yeah,

1798
01:41:45,880 --> 01:41:50,000
Speaker 4: that really like because that took that many years. Sometimes

1799
01:41:50,040 --> 01:41:53,320
Speaker 4: it's like that, yeah, to come into existence. Yeah, to

1800
01:41:53,360 --> 01:41:56,840
Speaker 4: make sense. So I was like blown away by that.

1801
01:41:56,880 --> 01:41:59,720
Speaker 4: I was like, damn, wow. Not the call her up

1802
01:41:59,760 --> 01:42:03,120
Speaker 4: until I'm sorry for those bad reviews. I'm going to

1803
01:42:03,320 --> 01:42:10,400
Speaker 4: say that, Well, thank you so much, of course, thanks

1804
01:42:10,439 --> 01:42:12,639
Speaker 4: for having me. It's been a pleasure. This has been

1805
01:42:12,840 --> 01:42:18,240
Speaker 4: so Oh. Yes, made these amazing focused candles on your

1806
01:42:18,320 --> 01:42:23,960
Speaker 4: Fortune station candle. Yes, they're from your podcast about the

1807
01:42:24,479 --> 01:42:26,960
Speaker 4: we were supposed to have. I know that horrible thing

1808
01:42:27,160 --> 01:42:29,439
Speaker 4: happened with nipsy, and that's why I'd enjoyed. I don't

1809
01:42:29,439 --> 01:42:35,280
Speaker 4: know if you guys still did it or not, the manifestation. Yeah,

1810
01:42:35,320 --> 01:42:37,880
Speaker 4: so I didn't do it, but I was like, well,

1811
01:42:38,040 --> 01:42:40,800
Speaker 4: if you do it again, you have these candles, you

1812
01:42:40,800 --> 01:42:43,680
Speaker 4: have your affirmations. Another day I did. Look the next day,

1813
01:42:43,680 --> 01:42:46,000
Speaker 4: I think another one. Anyway, Yeah, we need to do

1814
01:42:46,960 --> 01:42:49,000
Speaker 4: as a group though, like you said, that was going

1815
01:42:49,080 --> 01:42:51,519
Speaker 4: to be powerful. I was ready, but then that happened

1816
01:42:51,560 --> 01:42:52,080
Speaker 4: so I couldn't.

1817
01:42:52,120 --> 01:42:54,479
Speaker 5: I was like, it's so hard to plan, like as

1818
01:42:54,520 --> 01:42:56,040
Speaker 5: a group, it would be like two in the morning,

1819
01:42:56,080 --> 01:42:57,000
Speaker 5: set your lungs.

1820
01:42:58,800 --> 01:43:03,799
Speaker 4: I'm not waking up. You better manifesting while you masturbate.

1821
01:43:03,880 --> 01:43:07,240
Speaker 4: I didn't, and it was fucking incredible. So next time

1822
01:43:07,280 --> 01:43:08,760
Speaker 4: you do it just doesn't have to be when we.

1823
01:43:08,720 --> 01:43:10,960
Speaker 5: Do it is it hard to focus on what you

1824
01:43:11,000 --> 01:43:14,559
Speaker 5: want and stay ready a little.

1825
01:43:14,320 --> 01:43:16,360
Speaker 4: Bit, but but you get in this rhythm and then

1826
01:43:16,360 --> 01:43:19,320
Speaker 4: once you get there, so like once you're already there,

1827
01:43:19,400 --> 01:43:23,360
Speaker 4: so when you're growing, focus on the pleasure and as

1828
01:43:23,360 --> 01:43:25,880
Speaker 4: it grows, then really start to like think about think

1829
01:43:25,880 --> 01:43:29,519
Speaker 4: about something very specific, like the billion dollars, Like the

1830
01:43:29,600 --> 01:43:30,240
Speaker 4: billion dollars.

1831
01:43:30,280 --> 01:43:32,920
Speaker 5: You know what I found, billion dollars is arousing to me,

1832
01:43:33,760 --> 01:43:38,880
Speaker 5: you know, that's what That's what I'm saying.

1833
01:43:37,400 --> 01:43:41,240
Speaker 4: I was very specific and something that definitely would never

1834
01:43:41,280 --> 01:43:44,040
Speaker 4: arouse me. But it was specific about what a situation

1835
01:43:44,160 --> 01:43:47,120
Speaker 4: I want to happen. And that's but it's still aroused

1836
01:43:47,120 --> 01:43:50,080
Speaker 4: me because it excited me. Yeah, and you can see it,

1837
01:43:50,200 --> 01:43:54,280
Speaker 4: so it makes you can feel it almost and then

1838
01:43:54,280 --> 01:43:58,799
Speaker 4: when you actually finally come, you feel like this crazy

1839
01:43:58,920 --> 01:44:01,160
Speaker 4: like energy like through you. At least for me, I

1840
01:44:01,240 --> 01:44:04,040
Speaker 4: just felt very energized and motivated so much so that

1841
01:44:04,160 --> 01:44:05,960
Speaker 4: it was like probably like one in the morning, and

1842
01:44:06,000 --> 01:44:09,799
Speaker 4: I was like, I'm gonna work nice. Yeah, I'm gonna

1843
01:44:09,800 --> 01:44:11,840
Speaker 4: try this always, so what's gonna happen? But like I

1844
01:44:11,880 --> 01:44:14,519
Speaker 4: felt very energized and motivated. Like I'm sure there's different

1845
01:44:14,560 --> 01:44:16,799
Speaker 4: ways you might feel. My God, that butterfly was so beautiful.

1846
01:44:17,520 --> 01:44:21,080
Speaker 5: That's flying through yea, which I want to say because

1847
01:44:21,080 --> 01:44:23,360
Speaker 5: we're all from Pali, from southern California, and I said

1848
01:44:23,360 --> 01:44:24,320
Speaker 5: this to you recently.

1849
01:44:24,520 --> 01:44:27,360
Speaker 9: I know, we've had out like a lot of butterflies,

1850
01:44:28,720 --> 01:44:31,920
Speaker 9: like a heavy amount is noticeable, like thousands, and I

1851
01:44:32,040 --> 01:44:34,320
Speaker 9: was like, it's a butterfly migration.

1852
01:44:34,160 --> 01:44:34,439
Speaker 4: I know.

1853
01:44:34,640 --> 01:44:36,639
Speaker 10: But of all the years have we've lived here, growing

1854
01:44:36,720 --> 01:44:38,840
Speaker 10: up here, I never know rain, you know, girl, When

1855
01:44:38,840 --> 01:44:43,720
Speaker 10: I saw those butterfly, so think about all the rain

1856
01:44:43,840 --> 01:44:46,080
Speaker 10: we have, Like this summer is gonna beautiful.

1857
01:44:46,080 --> 01:44:49,000
Speaker 4: It's gonna be absolutely stunning, Like we haven't had rain

1858
01:44:49,080 --> 01:44:52,600
Speaker 4: in years, and then we have months of it consistent

1859
01:44:52,800 --> 01:44:53,800
Speaker 4: rain like so much.

1860
01:44:53,840 --> 01:44:55,880
Speaker 5: So I think this side out there's gonna be snowing

1861
01:44:55,960 --> 01:44:57,080
Speaker 5: mammoths until July.

1862
01:44:57,600 --> 01:45:02,559
Speaker 4: Damn I do that. That's just that's a thing. That's crazy.

1863
01:45:02,760 --> 01:45:05,280
Speaker 3: They're projecting mammoth which is like five hours away. I'm

1864
01:45:05,479 --> 01:45:06,559
Speaker 3: going to That's.

1865
01:45:06,400 --> 01:45:06,760
Speaker 4: What I'm saying.

1866
01:45:06,800 --> 01:45:07,240
Speaker 3: Let's do this.

1867
01:45:07,479 --> 01:45:11,160
Speaker 4: Yeah, but you would feel better about going when it's warm,

1868
01:45:11,200 --> 01:45:15,679
Speaker 4: like you know, I'm going for the top. Oh my god, damn.

1869
01:45:16,000 --> 01:45:18,200
Speaker 4: But not only that, like even if you're our coat

1870
01:45:18,320 --> 01:45:20,519
Speaker 4: for the weekend, you come home and you know it's

1871
01:45:20,520 --> 01:45:23,639
Speaker 4: gonna still be spring, your summer warm or whatever you're

1872
01:45:23,760 --> 01:45:25,479
Speaker 4: used to. Everybody who don't love to California don't wan

1873
01:45:25,479 --> 01:45:33,200
Speaker 4: to hear about California as weather mothers say. Let's make

1874
01:45:33,320 --> 01:45:35,760
Speaker 4: mothers say. We can think. Oh my god, Okay, we

1875
01:45:35,800 --> 01:45:37,960
Speaker 4: gotta balance, Okay, we gotta go. Thank you so much,

1876
01:45:38,080 --> 01:45:44,160
Speaker 4: of course. Thank you at xo Kimberly Valentine on Instagram.

1877
01:45:44,280 --> 01:45:47,960
Speaker 4: An email is Kimberly at xo Kimberly Valentine dot com.

1878
01:45:48,280 --> 01:45:51,800
Speaker 4: These candles, yes, can can they find that on your website. Well,

1879
01:45:51,960 --> 01:45:57,080
Speaker 4: not yet, but they will will. Yes, a picture, sure, yes,

1880
01:45:58,000 --> 01:45:59,320
Speaker 4: how pretty little roses.

1881
01:45:59,479 --> 01:45:59,760
Speaker 2: I know.

1882
01:46:00,560 --> 01:46:06,840
Speaker 4: Actual there's also the stone in the bottom. So your

1883
01:46:06,880 --> 01:46:10,000
Speaker 4: stones went in with the intention. That's amazing. And so

1884
01:46:10,560 --> 01:46:14,479
Speaker 4: when you have them when it all you can't see them. Yeah,

1885
01:46:14,520 --> 01:46:17,840
Speaker 4: you just letting you know what stones you have and

1886
01:46:17,920 --> 01:46:20,120
Speaker 4: for what their purpose are, and then you keep them,

1887
01:46:20,200 --> 01:46:22,519
Speaker 4: and so you can keep the even when the candle

1888
01:46:22,600 --> 01:46:24,960
Speaker 4: runs out. You keep your stones and you still have

1889
01:46:25,160 --> 01:46:30,240
Speaker 4: your manifestation tools and reminders. Beautiful. Yeah, so it stays

1890
01:46:30,240 --> 01:46:30,679
Speaker 4: with you.

1891
01:46:31,040 --> 01:46:34,559
Speaker 5: Yeah, and get affirmation written in it. Maybe we'll read

1892
01:46:34,560 --> 01:46:36,040
Speaker 5: it at the top of the next episode. Yeah, we

1893
01:46:36,080 --> 01:46:39,240
Speaker 5: read it before we started this episode. But anyway, we

1894
01:46:39,280 --> 01:46:40,560
Speaker 5: will catch you next Wednesday.

1895
01:46:41,000 --> 01:46:43,639
Speaker 4: Make sure to follow us at Good Mom's Bad Underscore,

1896
01:46:43,680 --> 01:46:46,320
Speaker 4: Bad Choices. Go on our website, describe to our newsletter

1897
01:46:46,479 --> 01:46:51,200
Speaker 4: Good Momsbad Choices dot Com. Gets some merch and we'll

1898
01:46:51,200 --> 01:46:52,439
Speaker 4: catch you next week.

1899
01:46:52,880 --> 01:46:56,400
Speaker 5: I'm gonna put those resources on the website too.

1900
01:46:56,840 --> 01:46:59,160
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, we'll include all the resources that can be

1901
01:46:59,400 --> 01:47:01,080
Speaker 4: mentioned on our name.

1902
01:47:01,520 --> 01:47:07,959
Speaker 1: Yes, get no static from the cowards because.

1903
01:47:08,040 --> 01:47:12,200
Speaker 2: Yesterday the buze tried to blast me. Saw the police

1904
01:47:12,280 --> 01:47:16,320
Speaker 2: and they bold waite past me, no flexing, just'sn't even

1905
01:47:16,439 --> 01:47:19,840
Speaker 2: looking a niggas doraction. As I went in the intersection

1906
01:47:20,360 --> 01:47:24,000
Speaker 2: with the show dog's house, they was launching your TV raps.

1907
01:47:24,000 --> 01:47:25,519
Speaker 1: What's the hats on the crass?

1908
01:47:25,800 --> 01:47:28,240
Speaker 2: Shake them up, Shake them up, Shake them up, Shake

1909
01:47:28,320 --> 01:47:31,160
Speaker 2: them