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Speaker 1: Welcome to stuff mom never told you. From house Supports

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Speaker 1: dot com, Hello to Welcome to the podcast. I'm Christen

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Speaker 1: and I'm Caroline. And Caroline. First of all, I almost

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Speaker 1: forgot my name then when I was introducing myself. It's

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Speaker 1: a danger. Yeah, it's a little disconcerting. Um, but coming

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Speaker 1: up with a title for this episode was almost well,

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Speaker 1: actually only slightly more challenging than remembering my own name.

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Speaker 1: Really yeah, because what are you? What are we talking about?

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Speaker 1: Talking about relationships speak? Couple talk. Maybe you could call

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Speaker 1: it pillow talk, but pillow talk is usually referring to

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Speaker 1: post coital chitch or just being in places with pillows.

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Speaker 1: Then there's baby talk, but then there's a difference between

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Speaker 1: whether your baby talking to a baby or to your

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Speaker 1: romantic baby, say mignificant other romantic day. And there are

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Speaker 1: pet names, but that's a completely separate category of this conversation.

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Speaker 1: I would think that it would fall under couple speak exactly,

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Speaker 1: the couple speak umbrella. Um. So, do you have any

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Speaker 1: any catchy term for this? Um? No, absolutely not. I

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Speaker 1: would just say that it's a couple of language. That

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Speaker 1: it's it's the weird like coded language that you use

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Speaker 1: with your your special person, your special someone sexy babbel sexy. Well,

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Speaker 1: it's not always sexy. Sometimes it's adorable. Adora speak. Oh,

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Speaker 1: it's rarely sexy. For people who are hearing you are

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Speaker 1: not in the couple, it's usually more along the lines

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Speaker 1: of of nauseating and cringing. Do things. Oh, absolutely, I mean,

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Speaker 1: I I think it is whenever I overhear it. I mean,

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Speaker 1: my boyfriend and I definitely have ways that we speak

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Speaker 1: to each other that we don't speak to other people.

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Speaker 1: Say God, I would hope not. Uh, but I definitely

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Speaker 1: don't want other people to overhear that necessarily. And it's funny.

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Speaker 1: When I told my boyfriend that we were talking about

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Speaker 1: relationship speak, couple speak, pet names and stuff like that

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Speaker 1: this week, he looked at me with this mix of

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Speaker 1: horror and also excitement, which is a really unique facial expression.

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Speaker 1: I recommend trying to elicit that from from friends and

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Speaker 1: loved ones if you have the opportunity. Uh. He's like,

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Speaker 1: you're not going to tell them how we talk to

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Speaker 1: each other, what we call each other. Are you yeah?

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Speaker 1: You are? I am? Well, what is it dish? I mean,

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Speaker 1: do you do to have special words or codes that

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Speaker 1: are safe for our listeners, of course, and for me.

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Speaker 1: What really, Honestly, listeners, I love you, but really I

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Speaker 1: don't know if I want the t M. I well, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm just gonna go ahead and dive in. And I

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Speaker 1: don't think he's going to listen to this episode because

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Speaker 1: I think he is already like preemptively horrified that I

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Speaker 1: might talk about it. But uh, okay, I guess I

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Speaker 1: should preface this by saying things. We don't call each other,

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Speaker 1: so we don't say boo or bay. He is like

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Speaker 1: strongly opposed to using the term boo. Okay, so far

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Speaker 1: we are totally opposite. Continue, Well, no, I did date

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Speaker 1: a guy right after college and we called each other boo.

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Speaker 1: But that's the only person that I've ever done that with.

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Speaker 1: But he was also a ghost. Yeah, I was real

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Speaker 1: awkward when you tried to snuggle. But now my boyfriend

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Speaker 1: and I call each other either we just refer to

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Speaker 1: each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, like hey, boyfriend came here,

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Speaker 1: or we call each other listeners. Can you feel me blushing?

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Speaker 1: We call each other boyfriend dog and girlfriend dog because

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Speaker 1: early on in our relationship, he like jumped on the

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Speaker 1: couch when I was using my laptop and I was like, God,

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Speaker 1: you're like a big puppy sometimes, and he said, yeah,

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Speaker 1: like I'm a I'm a boyfriend dog. So that became

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Speaker 1: a thing. How does it feel publicizing this information, Caroline,

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Speaker 1: I don't know how red am I right now? You're

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Speaker 1: a pretty solid shade of pink. Maybe it's just warm

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Speaker 1: in here. Well, listen, I am in the opposite camp.

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Speaker 1: My fiance and I are all about some boo and babe,

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Speaker 1: and to the point that our friends will sometimes make

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Speaker 1: fun of us when we're all hanging out and intentionally

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Speaker 1: be like, oh hi, babe, bob yeah, and I don't

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Speaker 1: care because that is just how we talked to each other.

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Speaker 1: And in terms of like couples speak, we don't necessarily

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Speaker 1: have like a cute see language aside from me feeling

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Speaker 1: at liberty to abbreviate words as often as possible because

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Speaker 1: it is one of my favorite things to do when

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Speaker 1: I'm just at home chit chat, not on the mic,

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Speaker 1: you know. Uh. But our couple speak is more are

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Speaker 1: of a shared humor brain. So it's the thing of

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Speaker 1: making the exact same joke at the same time. Although

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Speaker 1: sometimes I get a little competitive and I'll make the

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Speaker 1: joke first, and then he'll come in to split second

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Speaker 1: after me, and I'm like, yes, I made the joke first. Yeah. No,

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Speaker 1: My boyfriend and I do that all the time. We

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Speaker 1: will frequently make the same joke around the same time.

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Speaker 1: We will like be picking up the fan to text

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Speaker 1: each other at the same time. So we do have

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Speaker 1: like a two person hive brain. Um, but I'm imagining

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Speaker 1: you only know that because you're seeing next to each

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Speaker 1: other when that happens all the time. He's actually here

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Speaker 1: right now, he's under the table. Sorry, sorry, Um, No,

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Speaker 1: we we do have We don't use baby talk because

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Speaker 1: to me, I find that nauseating. Uh, no judgment, Um,

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Speaker 1: but we do have like a certain type of voice

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Speaker 1: that we use with each other sometimes when we're trying

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Speaker 1: to be playful. Not it's not an all the time thing,

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Speaker 1: but when we're trying to be more playful and cute

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Speaker 1: with each other, we do have a voice sweets. I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to repeat it on the podcast. Sorry. I've

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Speaker 1: noticed my phone voice changes, especially on the telephone call

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Speaker 1: on the way home from work. Um, it goes up.

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Speaker 1: It's a little bit softer. It's the closest I get

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Speaker 1: to a baby voice also, though it is the same

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Speaker 1: voice I use if I'm at a restaurant and i

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Speaker 1: have to like send something back and I'm really nervous

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Speaker 1: about it, you know. It's that like hyper feminized I voice.

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Speaker 1: Not that I am like similarly nervous of how my

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Speaker 1: fiance will respond to me if I need something. Um,

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Speaker 1: But it is interesting to think about, you know, this

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Speaker 1: this common couple language that is unique to all couples.

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Speaker 1: But there's that common pattern of love and sex influencing

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Speaker 1: how we talk and the way we modulate our voices

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Speaker 1: and the words that we suddenly make up. Well, love

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Speaker 1: and sex. Yeah, but I mean I think intimacy in general,

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Speaker 1: because you can develop languages with other intimate people in

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Speaker 1: your life, other significant others who aren't your boo, maybe

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Speaker 1: your best friend. You and your best friend have nicknames

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Speaker 1: for each other. Are ways that you speak to each other,

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Speaker 1: whether that's tone or just a sort of vocabulary that

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Speaker 1: maybe you don't use with other people because either you've

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Speaker 1: known this person for so long, or maybe your new

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Speaker 1: friends and you've developed a really strong bond suddenly, and

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Speaker 1: so you just speak to each other in a different

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Speaker 1: way than you speak with other people. Yeah, I mean

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Speaker 1: it's true. My best friend and I exclusively speech German

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Speaker 1: through each other. No, it's true. With my one of

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Speaker 1: my best friends, we have a specific text speak that

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Speaker 1: we use, intentional misspellings of words that I really only

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Speaker 1: send to her, and it's our way of expressing affection

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Speaker 1: to each other. Like if I say I miss you

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Speaker 1: so much, I'm gonna spell so se wwwwwww, it just

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Speaker 1: means something different. So it's bonding. Yeah, I mean that.

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Speaker 1: And it happens when you spend a lot of time

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Speaker 1: with someone and it's this It's an actual literal thing,

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Speaker 1: and it's called phonetic convergence. It's basically, when you're spending

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Speaker 1: time with people, whether it is an intimate partner or

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Speaker 1: a best friend or even work colleagues that you're spending

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Speaker 1: a lot of time with, you can start to mimic

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Speaker 1: the way that the other person speaks, particularly if you

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Speaker 1: like both the person and what they're saying. And this

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Speaker 1: can involve accent changes or even the use of different dialects.

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Speaker 1: I wonder too, if it extends into gestures and body

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Speaker 1: language at all. Yeah, that is what researcher Elaine Hatfield

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Speaker 1: called emotional contagion, the sort of encompasses, well, we're the

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Speaker 1: ideas that we're already familiar with of mimicking someone's body language,

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Speaker 1: their facial expression, and it's part of catching their emotion,

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Speaker 1: whether that's anxiety, joy, whatever. I mean, how often has

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Speaker 1: this happened to you? Where like someone in your family

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Speaker 1: or a friend or somebody work is like in a

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Speaker 1: really bad mood or in a really great mood, and

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Speaker 1: you kind of catch it and start mimicking, and you

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Speaker 1: even feel it within you, like I'm starting to feel

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Speaker 1: a little more anxious because this person is anxious or

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Speaker 1: whatever the case. Maybe, and studies have shown that the

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Speaker 1: longer people are speaking with each other, the more they'll

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Speaker 1: match speaking rate, frequency, and vocal intensity, which I'm just

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Speaker 1: imagining two people gradually yelling at each other. That happens.

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Speaker 1: So I feel like I've I've been in that conversation.

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Speaker 1: Although booze might have been involved booze like drinking booze

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Speaker 1: or are multiple boyfriends good question? And I mean the

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Speaker 1: alcohol um And also this exclusivity develops the longer that

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Speaker 1: you kind of developed that conversational rapport with a person.

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Speaker 1: This is probably why we can't have long extended in

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Speaker 1: depth conversations with good friends of ours if you're in

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Speaker 1: a noisy bar, for instance. Um, and then finally says

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Speaker 1: it found that you will align description schemes and sentence structures.

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Speaker 1: Were such robots in a way. We're adorable, meaty, squishy

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Speaker 1: robots who can't help but mimic other people's speech, but

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Speaker 1: also their posture and body language and facial expressions, all

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Speaker 1: that good stuff. So why what is going on? Uh?

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Speaker 1: There was a study in October from a Language Variation

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Speaker 1: and Change that's a journal. Uh. They found that the

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Speaker 1: degree of vocal change when we're talking to someone can

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Speaker 1: be related to how much you agree with the person.

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Speaker 1: So they did this study where participants listened to a

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Speaker 1: politically charged diet tribe and then had to describe a cartoon.

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Speaker 1: And I think the cartoon was of it was like

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Speaker 1: a nun giving a banana to a monk or something.

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Speaker 1: You know, it was a ats giving a banana to

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Speaker 1: a monk, which is like really weird and absurd, But

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Speaker 1: they just had the person describe that strange cartoon, and

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Speaker 1: researchers found that when the participants agreed with the political

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Speaker 1: rant that they had heard and with the ideology in it.

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Speaker 1: And when they seem to respect the person speaking and

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Speaker 1: their ideas, their syntax in describing the cartoon matched the

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Speaker 1: political ranters syntax. When they didn't agree with the person,

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Speaker 1: didn't respect their ideas, didn't respect what they were saying,

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Speaker 1: there wasn't much of a language match, if at all.

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Speaker 1: So in short, basically aligning your speech patterns with the

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Speaker 1: person you're talking to facilitates communication and understanding. It's our

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Speaker 1: way of being like, hey, we're on the same team.

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Speaker 1: I like you, I respect you. I'm going to start

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Speaker 1: to morph, even unconsciously. I'm going to start to morph

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Speaker 1: the way that I speak so that you can understand

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Speaker 1: me even better. So the way we think about the

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Speaker 1: person across from us moderates how we talk to them

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Speaker 1: ventially yeah um. And we see variations among basically any group.

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Speaker 1: I mean, twins speak is probably the best known among these.

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Speaker 1: Twin speak is officially called crypto pH asa ps um,

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Speaker 1: and it's because twins spend a lot of time together

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Speaker 1: and are on the same developmental trajectory, and they have

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Speaker 1: that intimacy level that reinforces each other's speech patterns and inventions.

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Speaker 1: And also, of course twins share that same mind, the

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Speaker 1: twin mind. They don't actually have twin mind, but I

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Speaker 1: have twin nephews, and I have seen this happen because

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Speaker 1: they're also identical and when they get going making jokes,

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Speaker 1: going on these tangents, it's incredible how they just build

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Speaker 1: on one another. Yeah, and cryptophasa also doesn't just relate

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Speaker 1: to twins speaking similarly or kind of developing a language.

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Speaker 1: It refers specifically to like almost speech that's detrimental to

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Speaker 1: the pair of twins, because perhaps there's a mispronunciation or

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Speaker 1: a speech impediment that leads to this false language. For

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Speaker 1: for for so long, people have been fascinated by twins, like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, they're developing their own language, when really

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Speaker 1: it's it's less developing their own language because they might

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Speaker 1: not even understand it as babies or toddlers or whatever,

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Speaker 1: but they're just trying to mimic each other and communicate

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Speaker 1: with each other on the same wavelength. And crypto phasia,

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Speaker 1: as opposed to just like regular happy, badly twins speak,

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Speaker 1: is often times something that has to get you have

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Speaker 1: to get a speech therapist involved to try to like

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Speaker 1: move the kids on from using their own secret language.

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Speaker 1: So when we think colloquially of twins speak, it's really

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Speaker 1: just siblings speak or friends speak. It's anyone who hangs

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Speaker 1: out and likes each other enough, yeah, anyone enough times. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: anyone who spends like a super huge amount of dedicated

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Speaker 1: intimate time together that they developed the same sort of

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Speaker 1: language that maybe others don't even know what you're talking about,

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Speaker 1: such as roommates. There was a study in January twelve

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Speaker 1: and the Journal of Phonetics which looked at four sets

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Speaker 1: of male roommates and found phonetic convergence was related to

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Speaker 1: the roommates closeness and relationship quality. In Caroline, Now I

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Speaker 1: have to ask, I mean, did you endude roommate ended

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Speaker 1: up twin speaking a lot of times? Yeah, Dude roommate

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Speaker 1: and I we definitely have our own like shorthand language

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Speaker 1: with each other because we've known each other since I mean,

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Speaker 1: we were roommates in college. We've known each other since

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Speaker 1: we were but college babies, um, and then we lived

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Speaker 1: together as adults too after after many years apart. But

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Speaker 1: we've definitely had a really strong friendship over the years

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Speaker 1: and the way we speak to each other even if

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Speaker 1: we're not using like weird words. We still have a

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Speaker 1: tone and a rapport with each other that's unique to

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Speaker 1: our relationship versus other people. But yeah, the study was

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Speaker 1: interesting because the they were looking specifically at sets of

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Speaker 1: roommates who didn't know each other before, so it wasn't

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Speaker 1: like they were friends and they'd already maybe developed a rapport.

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Speaker 1: They specifically wanted to look at the trajectory of like,

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Speaker 1: as these guys get to know each other and spend

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Speaker 1: a ton of unavoidable time together, what happens? And so

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Speaker 1: they found that the guys who had the stronger, better,

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Speaker 1: more positive relationship ended up unconsciously mimicking each other's speech patterns. So,

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Speaker 1: in the context of romantic relationships, then let's peel back

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Speaker 1: some more layers as to why it happens. Aside from

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Speaker 1: this clearly like neurological pattern of us mirroring each other,

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Speaker 1: I bet some mirror neurons are involved in this whole thing. Um.

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Speaker 1: But if we look at these emotionally intimate relationships, that

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Speaker 1: kind of couple language couples speak develops alongside the vulnerability

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Speaker 1: that comes with being in most you know, long term

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Speaker 1: romantic relationships. I mean, you have the childlike parts of

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Speaker 1: yourself on display, hopefully not all the time, but from

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Speaker 1: time to time. And Bustle UH had a pretty in

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Speaker 1: depth piece on this and talk to your relationship expert

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Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh about it, who said, keep in mind, a

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Speaker 1: relationship is an exchange of care. Yes, And as Elizabeth

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Speaker 1: in the Catapult said, I don't know if anybody else

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Speaker 1: ever listened to that band they have that song called

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Speaker 1: We're All just taller Children. It's true, you know. And

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Speaker 1: and this, the intimacy with your partner can really reveal,

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Speaker 1: like we said, those childlike parts of yourself that just

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Speaker 1: want to be taken care of. And so in this

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Speaker 1: article and Bustle they were talking about how as intimacy deepens,

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Speaker 1: you tend to move away from real life language, and

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Speaker 1: part of this is abbreviating or shortening words. Kristen Uh

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Speaker 1: for instance, using hunt instead of honey like you did

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Speaker 1: when you roll but a wee baby. Oh. I always

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Speaker 1: called my mom hun, could you get me a bottle?

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Speaker 1: I'm so thirsty? But also, like your parents did with you,

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Speaker 1: they probably had little nicknames for you too, and so

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Speaker 1: you know, it was always developing child girls just used

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Speaker 1: your first your whole, your whole name, your whole full

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Speaker 1: Christian name names just didn't make it even more formal.

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Speaker 1: But research has actually shown that the use of baby

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Speaker 1: talk tends to be used less and less as time

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Speaker 1: goes on. It tends to be used early because it's

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Speaker 1: another way of developing and strengthening a bond. And that's

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Speaker 1: coming from the Kinsey Institute who did a bunch of

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Speaker 1: research into couple language. And it really comes out of

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Speaker 1: this whole, i don't know what to call it, pattern

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Speaker 1: that was established with your parents, generally, like if you

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Speaker 1: had a loving, safe relationship with your parents, that's the

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Speaker 1: last time you experienced these overwhelming feelings of love and

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Speaker 1: care and safety. And so that's where are use of

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Speaker 1: nicknames and pet names and baby talk comes from. And

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Speaker 1: if going back again to the context of dating relationships

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Speaker 1: or marital relationships, if we pull in that physical intimacy

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Speaker 1: as well, that of course will involve some neurotransmitters and

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Speaker 1: neurochemicals being released in our brains, such as dopamine and oxytose,

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Speaker 1: and these things that make us feel good make us

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Speaker 1: feel bonded to the other person. So you know, you

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Speaker 1: you're just getting this three sixty recipe for intimacy and closeness,

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Speaker 1: and that is stripping away self censoring that we would

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Speaker 1: normally do, or in my case, using entire words rather

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Speaker 1: than just half of war. And it's really a cycle.

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Speaker 1: I mean, using this type of language with our partners

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Speaker 1: deepens the bond and creates a unique share identity, which

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Speaker 1: then leads to creating more unique language and more bonding.

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Speaker 1: So it never stops. You're never getting out of it.

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Speaker 1: You're always going to talk like this with your partner.

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Speaker 1: Get used to it until you don't, which will hit

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Speaker 1: on in the second half of the podcast. But researchers

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Speaker 1: have talked about how it really reflects that need to

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Speaker 1: represent how special our attachment is. Yes to to outsiders

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Speaker 1: and friends and whoever, but really to each other. And

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Speaker 1: that's something that Ian Kerner, who's a sex counselor, told

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Speaker 1: Bustle for that same article that Kristen mentioned. But it's

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Speaker 1: the same idea that you might have nicknames for your

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Speaker 1: bff two like, it's just communicating to one another that

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Speaker 1: your relationship is special. This is the sweetest podcast, Caroline.

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Speaker 1: I gotta say, we're just getting real Presh. But so

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Speaker 1: what does secret languages mean for couples, I mean, we

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Speaker 1: keep going back and forth between different types of relationships,

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Speaker 1: but we will get more into that right after a

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Speaker 1: quick bread. So if your relationship outsider, it might not

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Speaker 1: seem like the more, the better you know, the more

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Speaker 1: you're having to listen to other people's adorable pet names

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Speaker 1: and little baby talk back and forth or sexy babble

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Speaker 1: as I like to call it. But research in the

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Speaker 1: Journal of Social and Personal Relationships does find that the

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Speaker 1: more a couple uses nicknames, made up words, and secret

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Speaker 1: code requests for sex, the higher the relationship satisfaction. And

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Speaker 1: I was surprised. It means you're like living in your

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Speaker 1: own world. Yeah. Relationship therapist Jamie Turndorf was talking to

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Speaker 1: Women's Health mag By the way, I just started reading

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Speaker 1: a book of hers about how to stop fighting. Not

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Speaker 1: that not to indicate that I'm fighting all the time

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Speaker 1: with boyfriend dog, but it's always important to be armed

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Speaker 1: with good information about how to succeed in relationships any who.

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Speaker 1: Turndorf agrees that it's quantity over quality, and she talks

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Speaker 1: about how studies have found that couples who maintain and

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Speaker 1: I love this. I'm like, how did you come up with,

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Speaker 1: but I'm sure there's science behind it, and I'm sure, uh,

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Speaker 1: Couples who maintain a five to one ratio of positive

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Speaker 1: to negative communications are far more likely to remain happy.

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Speaker 1: And she says that using nicknames and made up language

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Speaker 1: is an easy way to do that. It's an easy

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Speaker 1: way to inject positive communication into your everyday life. I

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Speaker 1: love thinking about this though in the real world situations

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Speaker 1: of a fight or disagreement brewing and trying to do this,

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Speaker 1: you know, like five to one ratio yourself to be like, actually, babe,

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Speaker 1: you're wrong. Sweetheart's so wrong, honey. I don't know sweetheart

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Speaker 1: for me, and I know that other people probably have

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Speaker 1: this experience, Like different words have different connotations, but to me,

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Speaker 1: like if you say, oh, she's my sweetheart, that's that's

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Speaker 1: pretty sweet. But I have actually used sweetheart in terms

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Speaker 1: of being that's more likely to be my word when

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Speaker 1: I'm frustrated with you. That's a passive are us of sweetheart? Sweetheart?

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Speaker 1: And I think it My dad does the same thing.

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Speaker 1: I think that's where I get it. My dad when

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Speaker 1: he is like super angry at my mom or me

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Speaker 1: and he's trying not to yell or whatever. He'll he'll

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Speaker 1: refer to us as sweetheart. Maybe he's just trying to

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Speaker 1: maintain that five to one. You know, you knew well.

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Speaker 1: I wonder how stuff Chattervan never told you. Well. There's

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Speaker 1: even a term for all of this, put forth by

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Speaker 1: researchers Carol J. Brewis and Judy C. Pearson in a

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Speaker 1: study they put out, They refer to a couple speak nicknames,

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Speaker 1: and its insider language and relationships as idiosyncratic communication. I

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Speaker 1: love all these non romantic terms for the way we

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Speaker 1: sexy babble each other zacadamia. And they found though, that

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Speaker 1: this idiosyncratic communication not surprisingly is associated with marital satisfaction

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Speaker 1: couples in their first five years of marriage. Sam's kids

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Speaker 1: rapport using the most idioms and I wonder parents listening

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Speaker 1: if maybe once you have kids, some of that focus

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Speaker 1: on your coded language refocuses to your new babe, new

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Speaker 1: little baby, your new baby. Yeah that you get to

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Speaker 1: literally baby talk to. Yeah. Slightly more acceptable in mixed companies. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I would think so, because also when there's a baby around,

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Speaker 1: friends and family and whoever, are probably more likely to

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Speaker 1: also baby talk your baby. Whereas if you and your

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Speaker 1: boo are sitting around your friends probably are going to

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Speaker 1: baby talk you guys from a genuine perspective. They might

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Speaker 1: do it to make fun of you. Yeah, they might

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Speaker 1: not join in on your genuine baby talk with each other.

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Speaker 1: That could be weird. Yeah, I don't, I don't know

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Speaker 1: what we're going it on that pot. Look suddenly everyone's

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Speaker 1: keys are in a bowl of the most awkward worn't

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Speaker 1: Christmas party ever. But there's an article that we read

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Speaker 1: in the tell graph that talks about how, uh, couple

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Speaker 1: language not necessarily baby talk, but couple language indicates whether

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Speaker 1: you're in sinc Uh. It's really like menstrual synchrony. No,

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Speaker 1: I mean like the band the boy band, whether you're

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Speaker 1: lands bass um and so basically, the ebbs and flows

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Speaker 1: of your use of couple speak mimics the ebbs and

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Speaker 1: flows of your relationship, your highs and lows. If you

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Speaker 1: stop using couple speak or you're not using it as

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Speaker 1: much one week, does that mean the relationships over? No.

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Speaker 1: Thinking back though on my relationship, there have been the

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Speaker 1: times when we've been you know, hitting the valleys that

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Speaker 1: you go through, and there usually is an absence of

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Speaker 1: the boo and the babe I know, and I thought

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Speaker 1: about that too, and I realized that it's the same

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Speaker 1: with me. And we're in good company, Kristen, Because University

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Speaker 1: of Texas researchers looked at letters between Victorian poets Elizabeth

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Speaker 1: Barrett and Robert Browning, in addition to Sylvia Plow and

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Speaker 1: Ted Hughes, and they found that both in their work

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Speaker 1: and in their private letters, the couple's language styles matched,

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Speaker 1: but they matched most intensely at the most intense and

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Speaker 1: positive parts of the relationship. Yeah. So for Sylvia and Ted,

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Speaker 1: who clearly had a very tumultuous relationship, those highs and

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Speaker 1: lows were reflected in the terms of use and avoidance

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Speaker 1: of matching language in their letters. Um, even at their

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Speaker 1: high points, though they had less matching than Elizabeth Barrett

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Speaker 1: and Robert Browning. So I mean, is it is it

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Speaker 1: was that just a sign that they were doomed. I

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Speaker 1: don't know it's if it's a sign that they were doomed,

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Speaker 1: but I think it's a it's a perhaps, you know,

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Speaker 1: putting on my little psychologist cap. Not at all. It's

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Speaker 1: what that cap look like. Would it be like a

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Speaker 1: driving cap, oh, jaunty driving cap. I'm thinking what about

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Speaker 1: like an Amelia Earhart style aviator cap. Okay, I'm putting

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Speaker 1: on my psychologist aviator cap, and I think it's more

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Speaker 1: if you realize, if you use a little bit of

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Speaker 1: self awareness and realize, like I'm not using very much

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Speaker 1: like affectionate language, what's going on? It just might be

426
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,639
Speaker 1: a good opportunity to step back and say, well, are

427
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:19,480
Speaker 1: there things I'm not addressing in my relationship that are

428
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,320
Speaker 1: making me feel like I want to be less affectionate?

429
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:24,800
Speaker 1: Because I know when my boyfriend and I have hit

430
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:29,600
Speaker 1: those valleys, Kristen, there is a feeling that you're less

431
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:34,240
Speaker 1: driven to be affectionate, whether that's physical affection or verbal affection.

432
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:38,160
Speaker 1: But in in great times, when everything's going swimmingly, we're

433
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:42,119
Speaker 1: more likely to use those sweet nicknames or use our

434
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,399
Speaker 1: special voices with each other than we would otherwise. So

435
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:50,040
Speaker 1: there are some shortcuts in a way that this couple

436
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:54,760
Speaker 1: language can offer to help us navigate through those valleys.

437
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:57,119
Speaker 1: Not to be confused with hidden valley, the land of

438
00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:00,639
Speaker 1: branch where you and your boyfriend and girlfriend whomever just

439
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:03,520
Speaker 1: going to salad bars all the time. Um So, the

440
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:06,640
Speaker 1: first shortcut to pay attention to is that you might

441
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:10,000
Speaker 1: have code words for life events like bad days or

442
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:13,560
Speaker 1: annoying events that let your partner know how your days

443
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:18,639
Speaker 1: sluck without having to relive it. And this is not

444
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,359
Speaker 1: me because I'm a I'm a real talker when it

445
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:24,359
Speaker 1: comes to comes the tough times, and I'm just gonna

446
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,880
Speaker 1: want to tell my fiance all of the details after

447
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,560
Speaker 1: a period of silence, I need to quietly process and

448
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:33,920
Speaker 1: then I'll be like cooking dinner and drinking glass of

449
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,600
Speaker 1: wine because that calms me down. And you know, forty

450
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 1: five minutes later, I've gotten through, you know, the first

451
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,720
Speaker 1: hour of my day. Recounting it will colgret you know,

452
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:47,639
Speaker 1: I'm Studies have shown that the more you vocalize your anger,

453
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:51,920
Speaker 1: the more it builds on itself. So perhaps that there

454
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,199
Speaker 1: is something to this, you know, telling your boyfriend if

455
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,480
Speaker 1: you had a bad day at work or whatever. Not

456
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:58,359
Speaker 1: that you ever have a bad day at work, Kristen,

457
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,720
Speaker 1: but you could, you know, be like it's the usual.

458
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:04,040
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe your boo would know like it's just another

459
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,480
Speaker 1: day with rough stuff. Well yeah, maybe he and I

460
00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:09,840
Speaker 1: can strategize together on some you know, some just quick

461
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:14,520
Speaker 1: phrases that can you know, nip all of my retelling

462
00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:19,280
Speaker 1: in the bud um. But if the conflict is between

463
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:23,960
Speaker 1: you and your s O, your significant other, there's always

464
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,879
Speaker 1: shortcut number two, which is using that humor in a

465
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:30,920
Speaker 1: fight as a way to resolve it. Employing an inside

466
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:33,840
Speaker 1: joke or a pet name sort of steer you back

467
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:40,880
Speaker 1: into relationships, bill, which is challenging, sometimes depending on the

468
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,760
Speaker 1: conflict and sometimes depending on what we are talking about.

469
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:48,840
Speaker 1: Don't call me Bay. Don't you bay right now? Am

470
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,440
Speaker 1: I be in twenty minutes? That's that's where we get

471
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:55,200
Speaker 1: the negative Sweetheart, I guess yeah, don't. Yeah, don't use

472
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:58,240
Speaker 1: it like that, listen, sweetheart, because when that happens, I

473
00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:01,560
Speaker 1: think that's far more toxic. If you make the the

474
00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:11,280
Speaker 1: sick jokes, the angry, darker jokes, and use pet names sarcastically, Yeah,

475
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:15,600
Speaker 1: that is toxic. That's only gonna deepen that conflict. Yeah,

476
00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:19,000
Speaker 1: it might be more of like a when the realization

477
00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:22,840
Speaker 1: starts to dawn that perhaps it's an unproductive argument or

478
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,800
Speaker 1: a fight that you've had a million times. Maybe once

479
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,400
Speaker 1: you start to realize that and pull yourself out of it,

480
00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:31,880
Speaker 1: you can crack an inside joke and like, hey, I'm

481
00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:33,640
Speaker 1: offering a hand out of this fight. Do you want

482
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:35,400
Speaker 1: to get out of it? This is silly. Yeah, I

483
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:37,640
Speaker 1: mean that's one of those situations where one of you

484
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:43,000
Speaker 1: has to have the lighter perspective on it. I mean,

485
00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:46,320
Speaker 1: but if you're both in the trenches, good luck, sweetheart.

486
00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:50,920
Speaker 1: But all of these couple of researchers and intimacy experts

487
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:55,480
Speaker 1: applaud the use of pet names, so hopefully they're in

488
00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:59,720
Speaker 1: approval of me saying boyfriend dog because that's definitely a

489
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,440
Speaker 1: very strange pet name. Oh yeah, I think it's a

490
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:06,880
Speaker 1: I think any psychologist would be like, that's super healthy.

491
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:11,120
Speaker 1: You have a unique name for the person you love.

492
00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:14,800
Speaker 1: So if you and your significant other really hit to

493
00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:17,960
Speaker 1: the kids speak these days, if you don't want to

494
00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:22,680
Speaker 1: adopt Caroline's boyfriend dog girlfriend dog, you could be each

495
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 1: other's Bay, which I mean, and that also is not

496
00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:30,600
Speaker 1: exclusive to romantic relationships. I mean, I have girlfriends who

497
00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:34,280
Speaker 1: are Bay to me. Um. But also, when we're talking

498
00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:37,080
Speaker 1: about Bay, even though it is new to the mainstream,

499
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:42,000
Speaker 1: it has been around for longer than a hot minute. Yeah,

500
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:45,240
Speaker 1: And I mean whatever you call your person, or maybe

501
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:47,280
Speaker 1: you call your person person, that's also a thing that

502
00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:51,040
Speaker 1: I call my boyfriend. Uh, it's a positive thing. Author

503
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:53,800
Speaker 1: Pat Love was telling Women's Health that pet names are

504
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:58,560
Speaker 1: an auditory marker that identifies the relationship as exclusive as

505
00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,120
Speaker 1: does all of this couple angu that we've been talking about,

506
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:04,600
Speaker 1: and it lets your boo and everyone else know that

507
00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:08,720
Speaker 1: you're committed, and they reinforce that little mini culture, that

508
00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:13,280
Speaker 1: many environment that is your relationship. Yes. Speaking to Scientific American,

509
00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:17,360
Speaker 1: Carol J. Bruis was talking about this and how if

510
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:20,680
Speaker 1: essentially you can't laugh at yourself and be lighthearted in

511
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:25,080
Speaker 1: your relationship, then that relationship is not going to sustain

512
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:29,200
Speaker 1: itself in a lighthearted, playful kind of way over the

513
00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:31,720
Speaker 1: long term. And that and that playfulness is so necessary

514
00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:35,160
Speaker 1: I think for long term sustainability to make myself sound

515
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:40,120
Speaker 1: like my relationship is actually a corporation. And she says

516
00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:44,600
Speaker 1: that maybe we even value our nicknames more today because

517
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:48,280
Speaker 1: everybody's always on the Twitter, you know, they're always on

518
00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:50,960
Speaker 1: the Twitter talking to it, They're always talking to each other.

519
00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:55,000
Speaker 1: And she says that these this use of pet names,

520
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:59,600
Speaker 1: these auditory markers, can help create and reinforce that two

521
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:02,880
Speaker 1: person and special intimate sphere, like if you're dealing with

522
00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:05,720
Speaker 1: the public all day long, that you get to come

523
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:09,080
Speaker 1: home to your person, use special names in a special language,

524
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:12,120
Speaker 1: and it just reinforces like we're each other's and this

525
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:14,640
Speaker 1: is a safe, wonderful space. Well I sort of have

526
00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:18,080
Speaker 1: the reverse with that to some extent with my fiance,

527
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:21,080
Speaker 1: because he has appeared with me on a number of

528
00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:25,680
Speaker 1: stuff I never told you videos, and he goes by

529
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:31,800
Speaker 1: the pseudonym professor Boyfriend. Now, of course professor Fiance, which

530
00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:34,440
Speaker 1: some people miss here is professor Beyonce, which I'm also

531
00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:39,480
Speaker 1: totally fine with. Um. So it's like our our public

532
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:45,320
Speaker 1: pet name, because I like preserving the intimacy of our

533
00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:48,640
Speaker 1: first names together and who we are as a couple

534
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:53,080
Speaker 1: to all of our family and friends off of the Internet.

535
00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:58,760
Speaker 1: I don't call him professor Fiance at home unless he's

536
00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:03,320
Speaker 1: wearing a blade tweed laser with elbow patches, and that

537
00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:06,760
Speaker 1: never happens. And I just assumed that everybody used pet

538
00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:10,000
Speaker 1: names for each other for their significant others. It turns

539
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:12,720
Speaker 1: out that no, it's not true. Uh. The authors of

540
00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:16,840
Speaker 1: the Normal Bar did it completely non randomized, non scientific

541
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:23,000
Speaker 1: Internet survey on us participants, uh, interviewing them about pet names. Well,

542
00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:25,760
Speaker 1: a couple languages in general, I think the pet names too,

543
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:29,280
Speaker 1: and found that six of their U S survey respondents

544
00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:32,680
Speaker 1: said they used pet names in their relationships, but among

545
00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:35,280
Speaker 1: those who said they were very happy in their relationship,

546
00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:38,640
Speaker 1: that number shoots up to seventy. So there you go that, yes,

547
00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:41,400
Speaker 1: this is unscientific, but that confirms everything we've been saying

548
00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:44,040
Speaker 1: that the stronger and happier you feel in your relationship,

549
00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:46,000
Speaker 1: the more likely you are to develop this sort of

550
00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:48,760
Speaker 1: secret language between the two of you to reflect your

551
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:53,480
Speaker 1: sweet feelings. And we take that sweetness so literally in

552
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:57,360
Speaker 1: a lot of the dessert related pet names that we

553
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:03,400
Speaker 1: will give each other, which kind of subtly indicate that

554
00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:06,000
Speaker 1: your person is not just a person, but a treat

555
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:11,000
Speaker 1: the light in your life, like putting cupcake. Um. The

556
00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:15,279
Speaker 1: French have my little cabbage or cream puff. There's a

557
00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:19,920
Speaker 1: Dutch term meaning candy. In Russian, your ashenka is your

558
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:24,040
Speaker 1: special little cherry. Um. I'm got a fan, though, of

559
00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:29,760
Speaker 1: the sweet food nicknames. I I do like my little cabbage.

560
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:34,280
Speaker 1: I'm down for that mon petit shoe, although Professor Fiance

561
00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:37,960
Speaker 1: would probably prefer something like my my handsome, my gallant

562
00:34:38,120 --> 00:34:44,440
Speaker 1: cabbage keeps the regular um no I called my my

563
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:48,200
Speaker 1: college roommate Deepa I called her. We called each other

564
00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:50,520
Speaker 1: putting all the time because we we She and I

565
00:34:50,600 --> 00:34:52,799
Speaker 1: lived together our senior year of college and then worked

566
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:56,759
Speaker 1: together at the newspaper, and we always referred to each

567
00:34:56,800 --> 00:35:00,040
Speaker 1: other as pudding. How you doing, putting, how's your a?

568
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:02,560
Speaker 1: And Yeah, so I don't think I've ever used like

569
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,880
Speaker 1: a sweet food term with a boyfriend. Yeah, I mean

570
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:09,040
Speaker 1: there was the sugar free Jello guy, but that that

571
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:16,000
Speaker 1: clearly was doomed from the stigglers. Um. But of course

572
00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:19,640
Speaker 1: there are downsides to these pet names. Can you talk

573
00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:23,279
Speaker 1: a little bit about roommates syndrome, which is apparently can

574
00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:26,200
Speaker 1: can foster. This is I'm going to be honest, this

575
00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:29,359
Speaker 1: is like a deathly serious fear of mine in any

576
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:32,840
Speaker 1: relationship is roommates syndrome. And I mean, I think I

577
00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:35,359
Speaker 1: think that that's something that a lot of couples share about,

578
00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:38,080
Speaker 1: this fear of like, you know, especially maybe if if

579
00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 1: your parents developed roommates and German you grew up watching that.

580
00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:44,680
Speaker 1: And it's something that authors Maggie Rna and Julian Davis

581
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:49,479
Speaker 1: talk about in arguing against the use of pet names,

582
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:52,879
Speaker 1: and their argument is basically that the minute you start

583
00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:57,160
Speaker 1: calling your sweetie muffin, your relationship goes from super hot

584
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:01,600
Speaker 1: to friendly, and you think that's like the worst thing

585
00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:06,120
Speaker 1: that can happen. So they say that it kills your

586
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:09,000
Speaker 1: sex life. But everything that we've read so far, Kristen

587
00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:12,359
Speaker 1: indicates that pet names and couple speak ebb and flow

588
00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:15,279
Speaker 1: with the strength and satisfaction of your relationship, and then

589
00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:19,560
Speaker 1: it's the relationship that dictates how much actual couple speak

590
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:23,760
Speaker 1: you'll use. Yeah, I mean, I think it's the type

591
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:27,680
Speaker 1: of pet names that will develop. I mean, I can't

592
00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:31,719
Speaker 1: see roommates syndrome um happening to people who call each

593
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:37,520
Speaker 1: other muffin and cutie cake cabbage pie. But if it's

594
00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:42,960
Speaker 1: I'll catch this is embarrassing. But I catch myself partially

595
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:49,160
Speaker 1: because it's our dog's name. But never. Fiance and I

596
00:36:49,239 --> 00:36:52,560
Speaker 1: are never buddy to each other. Hey buddy, Hey buddy,

597
00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:56,399
Speaker 1: what's up? Like it's we intentionally keep our pet names

598
00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,680
Speaker 1: non platonic because we lived together too. And yeah, I

599
00:36:59,719 --> 00:37:04,000
Speaker 1: mean roomates syndrome. Oh yeah, it can happen for sure, Um,

600
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:07,160
Speaker 1: and it is. I think minding your language is a

601
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:12,680
Speaker 1: good way to guard against it. So it's always like hello,

602
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:17,400
Speaker 1: how does sexy cabin in Jindergarten, You are my sexy

603
00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:21,480
Speaker 1: little cabins. And as one of the authors Arana points out, hey,

604
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:24,640
Speaker 1: we're all ego driven. We like hearing our names, although

605
00:37:26,120 --> 00:37:31,000
Speaker 1: although the use of your real Christian name, which I

606
00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:35,759
Speaker 1: say lately often indicates are in trouble. Yeah, it is

607
00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:40,600
Speaker 1: so weird to me sometimes to hear my fiance called

608
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:45,160
Speaker 1: me Kristen. Yeah, something serious is going on. I'm like, wait, no,

609
00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:48,960
Speaker 1: I only answered a babe, Yeah, what is this? Yeah?

610
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:51,040
Speaker 1: I only if I'm yelling across the house because I

611
00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:53,120
Speaker 1: need something or I have a question, it's always going

612
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:55,680
Speaker 1: to be boyfriend. That's what I yell across the house.

613
00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:58,440
Speaker 1: And the same thing. Girlfriend yells across the house at

614
00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:01,440
Speaker 1: me and listeners. If she needs me at work, she

615
00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:05,360
Speaker 1: just yells podcaster. But the thing is, we have desks

616
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:11,759
Speaker 1: next to each other, and I'm like, what are you going, colleague, Cabbage, colleague,

617
00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:18,560
Speaker 1: my petite petite colleague, Cabbage. I kind of like that,

618
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,400
Speaker 1: to be honest. I think that's that's pretty sweet. Now

619
00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:27,200
Speaker 1: we need someone to to draw us as affectionate cabbage friends. Yes,

620
00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:32,160
Speaker 1: do we just need cabbage patch dolls? No? No, no,

621
00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:35,680
Speaker 1: Caroline's eyes just full open. Now, I'm not a fan.

622
00:38:35,760 --> 00:38:37,800
Speaker 1: I had cabbage patch dolls growing up. I went to

623
00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:41,040
Speaker 1: the cabbage patch like factory. What is it called the

624
00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:44,359
Speaker 1: cabbage patch like hospital or something? Yeah, the hospital where

625
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:48,600
Speaker 1: they like berth the cabbage patch babies. I'm no, I

626
00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:53,560
Speaker 1: don't need to read visit that. But cabbage cubicle mates,

627
00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:57,680
Speaker 1: we can be yeah, okay, cool, yeah, listeners, If anyone

628
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:02,200
Speaker 1: can render us as as friendly cabbages, we'd love you forever.

629
00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:09,600
Speaker 1: Don't forget Christen's red lipstick. Well, now we want to

630
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:13,720
Speaker 1: know about your secret languages that you share with significant others,

631
00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:17,239
Speaker 1: whether that is a romantic significant other or a BFF

632
00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:20,719
Speaker 1: or a family member, whoever is special to you. Does

633
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:25,640
Speaker 1: this resonate with how you find yourself speaking to the

634
00:39:25,719 --> 00:39:29,080
Speaker 1: people you love. Let us know mom Stuff at how

635
00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:31,919
Speaker 1: stuffworks dot com is our email address. You can also

636
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:34,719
Speaker 1: tweet us at mom Stuff podcast or messages on Facebook.

637
00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:36,920
Speaker 1: And we've got a couple of messages to share with

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00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:44,440
Speaker 1: you right now. Alrighty, well, I have a Facebook message

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00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:50,120
Speaker 1: here from Christine about our maternity leave episode. She says, hello, ladies,

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00:39:50,719 --> 00:39:53,560
Speaker 1: Hello Christine. First of all, as everyone always does, I

641
00:39:53,719 --> 00:39:55,320
Speaker 1: must tell you that I have been a fan for

642
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:59,040
Speaker 1: many years. You've helped me through hours of TV's activities

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00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:01,360
Speaker 1: and help me be singled out as the person in

644
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:03,720
Speaker 1: my circle friends who's constantly saying So, I was listening

645
00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:06,719
Speaker 1: to a podcast. She goes on to say, as I

646
00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:08,520
Speaker 1: was getting ready this morning, I was listening to the

647
00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:11,880
Speaker 1: podcast on maternity leave, I might have an interesting perspective

648
00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:14,720
Speaker 1: on this. I'm a teacher, and not just a classroom teacher,

649
00:40:14,840 --> 00:40:17,680
Speaker 1: but I teach theater at a school in Texas As.

650
00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:20,600
Speaker 1: You know, everything in Texas has to be bigger than life,

651
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:24,240
Speaker 1: and theater is no exception. The expectation for my theater

652
00:40:24,320 --> 00:40:26,799
Speaker 1: program is anywhere from three to five shows per year.

653
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:30,480
Speaker 1: These are all rehearsed after school. It'slf Rehearsals are generally

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00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,960
Speaker 1: three times per week and last generally two hours, and

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00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:34,799
Speaker 1: as you get closer to the show, they are more

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00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:37,600
Speaker 1: frequent and less longer. I don't have children yet, but

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00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:39,720
Speaker 1: with thirty right around the corner, it's on my brain.

658
00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:42,839
Speaker 1: My constant question that I'm asking myself is how can

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00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,000
Speaker 1: I manage to have a child when I'm putting so

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00:40:45,160 --> 00:40:47,920
Speaker 1: much time into my theater program. When I asked this.

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00:40:48,040 --> 00:40:50,640
Speaker 1: Of other theater teachers I meet, about fifty percent say

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00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:53,080
Speaker 1: you just make it work, and the other fifty percent

663
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:56,480
Speaker 1: say planning. What they mean is this, they gave themselves

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00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:58,920
Speaker 1: approximately one month to get pregnant for the year, and

665
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,040
Speaker 1: then would wait until the next year if they didn't

666
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:03,800
Speaker 1: get pregnant. Most teachers will jokingly tell you that the

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00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:06,600
Speaker 1: ideal months to get pregnant is August. That way, when

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00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:08,320
Speaker 1: you give birth, you won't have to come back to

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00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:10,560
Speaker 1: school and we'll just get to spend the whole summer

670
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:13,840
Speaker 1: with your new bundle of joy. The terrifying aspect of

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00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:16,799
Speaker 1: this is that I am seriously considering this. I hate

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00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:18,080
Speaker 1: that I have to feel that I need to be

673
00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:21,080
Speaker 1: pigeonholed into getting pregnant during only one month of the year,

674
00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:23,640
Speaker 1: but the thub not being able to spend those first

675
00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:26,160
Speaker 1: few weeks and months with my first child is heartbreaking.

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00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:28,880
Speaker 1: If you read this on the podcast, please add a

677
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:31,239
Speaker 1: shout out for all the teachers who spend so many

678
00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:34,160
Speaker 1: additional hours at school with their child in tow while

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00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:36,600
Speaker 1: they're in daycare and mom or dad is checking their

680
00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:38,359
Speaker 1: watch because they know they need to pick them up

681
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:41,440
Speaker 1: before six pm and who decided to stay home because

682
00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:46,359
Speaker 1: they too need recognition. Well, thanks for Steve, Well, I've

683
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:48,440
Speaker 1: got to let her here. From Samantha also about our

684
00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:53,320
Speaker 1: maternity leave episode, and she writes the maternity leave topic

685
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:55,520
Speaker 1: struck home for me for a few reasons, the first

686
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:57,960
Speaker 1: one being that you didn't discuss how pregnant seat in

687
00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:01,359
Speaker 1: the lack of maternity leave can affect students. I had

688
00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:04,640
Speaker 1: my daughter my second senior year in college. I knew

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00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:06,600
Speaker 1: I wouldn't get any time off classes and that as

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00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:08,600
Speaker 1: soon as I graduated, I'd have to start working, so

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00:42:08,719 --> 00:42:11,720
Speaker 1: he planned the pregnancy for my Christmas break. I carried

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00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:15,920
Speaker 1: her with little complication for entirely full spring, summer, and

693
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:19,319
Speaker 1: false semesters. Due to medical reasons, I was induced two

694
00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:22,359
Speaker 1: days after my final exams ended. This gave me around

695
00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:26,400
Speaker 1: two weeks before returning classes. My spring wasn't dandy, however,

696
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:29,840
Speaker 1: as I had several medical complications resulting in numerous doctors

697
00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:32,960
Speaker 1: visits and surgeries, which meant missing classes and having to

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00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:35,640
Speaker 1: self teach some of my senior classes. It also meant

699
00:42:35,680 --> 00:42:37,400
Speaker 1: pumping breast milk once or twice a day in my

700
00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:39,640
Speaker 1: car with shades up when I could go and working

701
00:42:39,719 --> 00:42:42,960
Speaker 1: off very little sleep, but that's another story. I managed

702
00:42:43,000 --> 00:42:45,360
Speaker 1: through all that to graduate in May with my degrees

703
00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:48,200
Speaker 1: in engineering and philosophy, but wish it could have been

704
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:51,719
Speaker 1: made easier and maybe some complications avoided by getting to

705
00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:55,360
Speaker 1: take some time off. My work is an entirely different story.

706
00:42:55,719 --> 00:42:58,040
Speaker 1: I worked closely with the welding industry, and due to

707
00:42:58,239 --> 00:43:01,279
Speaker 1: environmental hazards, would have to stop doing my job over

708
00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:03,840
Speaker 1: health concerns for the baby. I guess I would have

709
00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:06,279
Speaker 1: to change to an inside office job unrelated to my

710
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:10,200
Speaker 1: degree or training, or leave and hope there's a job

711
00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:12,520
Speaker 1: there when I'm ready to return. This is about all

712
00:43:12,560 --> 00:43:14,440
Speaker 1: I can imagine, since I'm the only woman in the

713
00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:16,920
Speaker 1: entire company and the boys club of getting to go

714
00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:19,640
Speaker 1: to industrial sites, so there's a lot of concern that

715
00:43:19,719 --> 00:43:21,920
Speaker 1: I fit into the idea of a younger employee, which

716
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:24,640
Speaker 1: is typically male and doesn't take leave when a child

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00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:27,600
Speaker 1: is born. The few women that I know have returned

718
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,839
Speaker 1: after giving birth took maybe two weeks and had zero complications.

719
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:33,640
Speaker 1: My company isn't cruel by any means, and they really

720
00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:37,080
Speaker 1: support family, especially in times of need, which we've experienced.

721
00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:39,840
Speaker 1: But the environment is lean and one of the no

722
00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:42,279
Speaker 1: free lunch when it comes to getting the job done.

723
00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:44,600
Speaker 1: This is a small part of why my husband and

724
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:47,440
Speaker 1: I decided to stop with our daughter and not have

725
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:52,040
Speaker 1: another child. So thanks for that insight, Samantha, and thanks

726
00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:54,359
Speaker 1: to everyone who's written into us. Mom staff at al

727
00:43:54,400 --> 00:43:57,000
Speaker 1: stepwork dot com is where you can send your emails

728
00:43:57,440 --> 00:43:59,319
Speaker 1: and for links to all of our social media as

729
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:02,440
Speaker 1: well as all of our blogs, videos, and podcasts, including

730
00:44:02,480 --> 00:44:05,080
Speaker 1: this one with links to our sources so you can

731
00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:08,360
Speaker 1: learn more about the psychology of couple speak. Head on

732
00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:15,800
Speaker 1: over to stuff Mom Never Told You dot com for

733
00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:18,239
Speaker 1: more on this and thousands of other topics. Does it

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00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:19,440
Speaker 1: How stuff Works dot com