1 00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:04,440 Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 2 00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:08,800 Speaker 2: I think it's really important to confront the behavior because 3 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:10,880 Speaker 2: it leads back to that confidence. When we speak up 4 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:13,120 Speaker 2: for ourselves and we let them know her on to them, 5 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:16,560 Speaker 2: they often end up finding a new victim because they 6 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:18,760 Speaker 2: know crap, I can't play this game with her, right 7 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:22,040 Speaker 2: like I got to do this with someone else. Today's 8 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:25,920 Speaker 2: episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration, or 9 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,160 Speaker 2: a fresh perspective. 10 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: If you have any AHA moments or appreciate anything from 11 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:34,479 Speaker 1: this episode, please leave us a review to let us 12 00:00:34,479 --> 00:00:38,280 Speaker 1: know we're on the right track. Also, we release episodes 13 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:42,239 Speaker 1: every Friday, so be sure to subscribe on iTunes and 14 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:47,320 Speaker 1: visit cultivatinghurspace dot com to access our exclusive after show 15 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:50,400 Speaker 1: and other bonus content from the Patreon tab. 16 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:56,520 Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting 17 00:00:56,560 --> 00:01:01,680 Speaker 3: women like you. We're your hosts Dominique Bussard, a college 18 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:03,960 Speaker 3: professor and psychologist. 19 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:07,520 Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techy and motivational speaker. In a 20 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please 21 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:17,400 Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 22 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:20,720 Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where 23 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 2: black women can just be Hey, lady, it's Terry here 24 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:31,240 Speaker 2: from the Cultivating her Space podcast. I'm hosting a free 25 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:34,440 Speaker 2: podcasting masterclass where I'm going to teach you how to 26 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:37,960 Speaker 2: create your impactful podcast and how you can generate multiple 27 00:01:37,959 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 2: streams of income. You can visit podcast with Terry dot 28 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,399 Speaker 2: com to register for free. I hope to see you. 29 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:51,880 Speaker 3: There all right. So our quote of the day, the 30 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:56,600 Speaker 3: ways you have learned to survive may not be the 31 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:01,000 Speaker 3: ways you wish to continue to live. And that quote 32 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:06,120 Speaker 3: comes to us from doctor Tim O'Brien Davis, and I'm 33 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,560 Speaker 3: gonna say that again for the people in the back, 34 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:15,760 Speaker 3: the ways you have learned to survive may not be 35 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 3: the ways you wish to continue to live. Who not 36 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:28,880 Speaker 3: tea if this lady, If this is your first time 37 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:31,600 Speaker 3: ever listening to one of our episodes, I just want 38 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,720 Speaker 3: to note that this is the part two or a 39 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:38,440 Speaker 3: continuation of a conversation we had in our previous episode 40 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:46,040 Speaker 3: where we talked about identifying gaslighting, red flags and manipulation. 41 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:52,000 Speaker 3: But I think this quote really grounds us in someone 42 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:57,120 Speaker 3: who's ready to make a change. So t when you 43 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,200 Speaker 3: hear this quote, what comes up for you? 44 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,840 Speaker 2: Well, one time, I think you touched on something really powerful. 45 00:03:02,919 --> 00:03:05,440 Speaker 2: This quote can ground us and making a change and 46 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:11,160 Speaker 2: also stepping into our power. I often struggle with the 47 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:15,120 Speaker 2: word victim because although I have experienced situations in which 48 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:18,359 Speaker 2: I was victimized, I don't consider myself to be a victim. 49 00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:22,440 Speaker 2: And so when I hear this quote, it reminds me 50 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 2: of ways in which I adopted certain behaviors, mindsets, perspectives 51 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:35,160 Speaker 2: that served me in an environment where I was being 52 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:39,240 Speaker 2: traumatized or I was being abused, And how even when 53 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:42,040 Speaker 2: I was far removed from that situation, like I grew 54 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:43,840 Speaker 2: up in an abusive household. Right, and lady, this is 55 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:46,080 Speaker 2: your first time listening to the episode. Hey girl, it 56 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:48,160 Speaker 2: is about to get real. Okay, you got to go 57 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,720 Speaker 2: tune into our previous episodes for more context on our stories. 58 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,800 Speaker 2: But long story short, is being raised in an abusive 59 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:59,360 Speaker 2: household it gave me an opportunity to adopt certain behaviors. 60 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,280 Speaker 2: Even when I moved out of that environment, I continue 61 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:06,040 Speaker 2: to exercise in those ways. Right, So, for instance, one 62 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:09,600 Speaker 2: might be being very timid. The environment I grew up in, 63 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 2: I had to be timid to be safe, but in 64 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:15,040 Speaker 2: a work meeting or in a school environment, being timid 65 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,880 Speaker 2: didn't serve me, right, So it just reminds me of 66 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,920 Speaker 2: how we can step into our power and the importance 67 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,880 Speaker 2: of checking in with ourselves to see, hmm, is what 68 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,800 Speaker 2: I do today? Does that still serve me? Why do 69 00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:27,719 Speaker 2: I do this? Where did I get this from? And 70 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,800 Speaker 2: do I need to reevaluate and adopt new skills to 71 00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:33,120 Speaker 2: serve me based on where I am today? That was 72 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:36,480 Speaker 2: a mouthful, But what about you? What do you think 73 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:37,679 Speaker 2: about when you hear this quote? 74 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, I exactly what you just said, right that, Like, 75 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:48,640 Speaker 3: when you are entering into new spaces, you were changing dynamics, 76 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:56,479 Speaker 3: you were changing environments. And when you are growing and 77 00:04:56,600 --> 00:05:02,119 Speaker 3: evolving in who you are as a person, some things 78 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:07,599 Speaker 3: may no longer serve you. And so what you did 79 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:12,040 Speaker 3: previously may have been you may have been living in 80 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 3: survivor mode. And when you are growing and evolving and 81 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:24,640 Speaker 3: changing environments and spaces, you may move into an area 82 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:26,800 Speaker 3: or a period of life where you want to thrive. 83 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:31,920 Speaker 3: And so if that's what you're wanting to do, I mean, 84 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:34,279 Speaker 3: like I feel like this quote that kind of embodies that, right, 85 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:39,240 Speaker 3: it's like in encouraging that that, like how you learn 86 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:45,320 Speaker 3: to previously survive, served its purpose, but that's not how 87 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:49,559 Speaker 3: you want to live anymore. And so, as Sam Cook says, 88 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 3: change is gonna. 89 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:55,919 Speaker 2: Come, change is gonna come by any means necessary. Okay, 90 00:05:56,279 --> 00:05:58,839 Speaker 2: so lady, we want to give you a quick recap 91 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,000 Speaker 2: of what we covered in last week episode, which is 92 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,600 Speaker 2: all about gaslighting, red flags, and manipulation. You definitely want 93 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,080 Speaker 2: to check that out. We talked about love bombing, we 94 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:12,239 Speaker 2: talked about boundaries, We talked about how to actually stand 95 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:16,000 Speaker 2: up to right and approach the gaslighter or manipulator, and 96 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,000 Speaker 2: like things that you can actually say in the moment. 97 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,600 Speaker 2: And today we really want to focus on standing your 98 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 2: ground with gas lighters and really talk a bit about 99 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:27,359 Speaker 2: how this journey really begins with self, right, like it 100 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,599 Speaker 2: begins with your relationship to yourself and with yourself. And 101 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,200 Speaker 2: so one of the things I think will be really 102 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 2: important before diving deeper into this episode is for you 103 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:40,479 Speaker 2: to understand when you are being gas lit, or some 104 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:44,240 Speaker 2: articles say gaslighted, which I know sounds really crazy as 105 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:48,880 Speaker 2: a or really off as a past tense of gaslight, 106 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,760 Speaker 2: but that's what the articles have said. So what we're 107 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:52,719 Speaker 2: going to do is we're going to drop a link 108 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:55,520 Speaker 2: from Psychology Today in the show note so that you 109 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,920 Speaker 2: can read this really helpful article that details even more 110 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,360 Speaker 2: than we did last week on how to know if 111 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,760 Speaker 2: you're being gas lit, and then we can just jump 112 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,320 Speaker 2: on in I think into you know what we're going 113 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,320 Speaker 2: to talk about today. We're going to talk about being 114 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,080 Speaker 2: in relationship with yourself and how that's super important when 115 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,120 Speaker 2: it comes to stand in your ground. We're going to 116 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:17,360 Speaker 2: talk about different strategies to deal with the gas lighter 117 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,240 Speaker 2: things that we didn't cover last week. We'll also talk 118 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,960 Speaker 2: about seven ways of self protection. If you're in the 119 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 2: midst of a situation with a gas lighter and you 120 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,240 Speaker 2: have to go to our website Lady Herspace podcast dot 121 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 2: com click on Wisdom Wednesday with Terry Patreon, because that 122 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,680 Speaker 2: way you'll want get the video episodes. You can see 123 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 2: us hey girl as we do the episode right. But 124 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:40,800 Speaker 2: then also we have the after show, and last week's 125 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,520 Speaker 2: after show we dove in a bit deeper on how 126 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,600 Speaker 2: to handle someone that is trying to manipulate you. So 127 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:50,200 Speaker 2: even though gaslighting is a form of manipulation, there are 128 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,040 Speaker 2: distinctions and dont correct me if I'm wrong. So now 129 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,320 Speaker 2: I'm starting to confuse myself. But even though gas lighting 130 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:59,000 Speaker 2: is a form of manipulation, manipulation is not always a 131 00:07:59,040 --> 00:07:59,920 Speaker 2: form of gas lighting. 132 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:06,560 Speaker 3: Correct. Okay, let's clarify that. Yes, so yes, so yes, 133 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:15,040 Speaker 3: gaslighting is a form of manipulation, right, But gaslighting is 134 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 3: not the only manipulation tactic. Right, And if someone is 135 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:27,160 Speaker 3: gaslighting you, then yes, that's always They're always manipulating you 136 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:31,440 Speaker 3: in some way. It's always gaslighting is always a form 137 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:40,679 Speaker 3: of manipulation, But gaslighting is not the only form of manipulation, 138 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 3: right Okay. 139 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:49,400 Speaker 2: Well, like self love and all things related to evolution 140 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:54,880 Speaker 2: and progression, it all begins with the person in the mirror. Yes, 141 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:58,079 Speaker 2: so it comes to standing your ground with a gas lighter. 142 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:00,720 Speaker 2: We truly believe that it starts with the relationship that 143 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:02,599 Speaker 2: you have with yourself. And there are a couple of 144 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,320 Speaker 2: things that we want to touch on here. That first 145 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,360 Speaker 2: is trusting yourself, right, because we know that when someone 146 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:11,240 Speaker 2: is okay, already like trust yourself. We know that when 147 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:16,199 Speaker 2: someone is gaslighting you, they are trying to really recreate 148 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:20,840 Speaker 2: your experience and recreate the truth, recreate what you believe 149 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:23,120 Speaker 2: you saw and try to get you to doubt your 150 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:25,839 Speaker 2: own reality. And I found that in my experience with 151 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,880 Speaker 2: being gas lit, it made me feel as though I 152 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:32,559 Speaker 2: was going insane because I did not trust myself. I 153 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:36,000 Speaker 2: felt as though I was questioning myself, and that began 154 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:38,560 Speaker 2: to bleed over into other areas of life, right like, 155 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,600 Speaker 2: oh wait, did I see what I thought I saw? 156 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:43,800 Speaker 2: So I think it starts with trusting yourself and just 157 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:47,280 Speaker 2: building trust in your ability to remember. So whatever you 158 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 2: have to do one on one with yourself to know that, 159 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,240 Speaker 2: Wait a second, I do. I may not have the 160 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:56,800 Speaker 2: perfect memory, but I remember things right, I remember things correctly, 161 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,440 Speaker 2: and I know what my truth is, and I'm going 162 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,199 Speaker 2: to own my despite what someone else is trying to say. 163 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,440 Speaker 2: I know my truth is, and I know what I saw, 164 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,400 Speaker 2: I know what I heard, I know what I experienced. 165 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,400 Speaker 2: So I think it all begins there. What do you 166 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,560 Speaker 2: think about that idea of trusting yourself down. 167 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,720 Speaker 3: I think that it's hard when you are in the 168 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:21,080 Speaker 3: midst of being experiencing gas lighting. That is one of 169 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:25,920 Speaker 3: the kecomponents of successful gas lighting is that the person 170 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:31,199 Speaker 3: who is being gas lit is now doubting themselves they 171 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:35,800 Speaker 3: are losing trust within themselves. And so, you know, what 172 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,720 Speaker 3: I've seen is that when someone is experiencing gas lighting, 173 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:47,160 Speaker 3: they may have walked into that situation trusting themselves, but 174 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:51,240 Speaker 3: the successful gas lighter causes the person to then no 175 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:55,680 Speaker 3: longer trust themselves. And so I think when you are 176 00:10:55,720 --> 00:11:00,520 Speaker 3: in a space where you are experiencing gas lighting, it's 177 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:05,360 Speaker 3: a matter of constantly reminding yourself that you are the 178 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:11,400 Speaker 3: person to trust. Right, your experience is the thing to trust. 179 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:19,040 Speaker 3: But it takes that. It takes constant reminding and it 180 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:25,640 Speaker 3: takes practice. Right of like outside of experiences with the gaslighter, 181 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:31,880 Speaker 3: you have to be aware of the other situations in 182 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:35,640 Speaker 3: which you can trust yourself. Right, So, for instance, you're 183 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,680 Speaker 3: in a relationship with someone who's gaslighting you, and they're 184 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,160 Speaker 3: saying and doing things to make you doubt yourself, doubt 185 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:47,280 Speaker 3: your instincts. Right when you're on the job or when 186 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:53,120 Speaker 3: you are interacting with other friends and family, pay attention 187 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:56,800 Speaker 3: to do you trust yourself in those moments? Are you 188 00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:01,800 Speaker 3: trusting your decision making in what you're doing on your job? 189 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:07,600 Speaker 3: If you're not questioning yourself there, if you're not questioning yourself, 190 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:12,400 Speaker 3: you're not doubting yourself in these other situations. Let's go 191 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,880 Speaker 3: back and reflect and look at this relationship, because that's 192 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 3: probably where your problem is. 193 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:21,719 Speaker 2: Hey, hey, lady, this conversation is just getting started. It's 194 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,040 Speaker 2: gonna get so much better. But first we have a 195 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,520 Speaker 2: quick update for you from one of our sponsors, so 196 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,440 Speaker 2: be sure to stay tuned and we'll hop right back 197 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:29,319 Speaker 2: into this conversation. 198 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,160 Speaker 3: I want you to finish this sentence in your mind. 199 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:38,800 Speaker 3: I deserve a sex life. That is what what comes 200 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,840 Speaker 3: to mind. 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That's thirty days a full access 210 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:26,599 Speaker 3: for free when you go to d I p s 211 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:34,400 Speaker 3: EA stories dot com slash firth Space dipsystories dot com 212 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:35,720 Speaker 3: slash firth Space. 213 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:40,719 Speaker 2: All right, let's hop back into the show that is 214 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,520 Speaker 2: so powerful dom. The only thing I want to add 215 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,839 Speaker 2: to that is sometimes affirmations are helpful. I know, for 216 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,560 Speaker 2: the longest I staid in the mirror and stated affirmations 217 00:13:48,559 --> 00:13:51,160 Speaker 2: that I didn't necessarily believe, but I did it because 218 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,160 Speaker 2: I was trying to build that muscle. So it really 219 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,200 Speaker 2: is like it's a process, right, It's like you're really 220 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,400 Speaker 2: building this muscle. And I don't know about you done, 221 00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,840 Speaker 2: but I felt when it comes to gaslighting, it was 222 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:04,480 Speaker 2: so it impacted me most in intimate relationships, and I 223 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:08,120 Speaker 2: experienced the most. I experienced it the most in intimate relationships. 224 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,040 Speaker 2: And so as we continue to go through these steps here, 225 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,559 Speaker 2: I want to give an example shortly about a time 226 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:16,200 Speaker 2: when I was in a toxic relationship and something that 227 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:19,120 Speaker 2: happened and a theme that I noticed in a relationship. 228 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,280 Speaker 2: But first what we want to do is go into 229 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,920 Speaker 2: number two here as far as a tip on like 230 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:27,120 Speaker 2: trusting yourself right and building that relationship with self. The 231 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:32,640 Speaker 2: internal dialogue. Sometimes as that person is viewing lies, it's 232 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,360 Speaker 2: important to talk to yourself internally. I used to do 233 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,120 Speaker 2: this as a kid because I was raised around, you know, 234 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,680 Speaker 2: verbally abusive adults, and sometimes the adults that I broke 235 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,840 Speaker 2: around would be out of pocket, like I'm a teenager, 236 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,240 Speaker 2: I'm you know, coming into my own and they would 237 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:49,320 Speaker 2: just say some wild shit and I'm like, I'm not 238 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,440 Speaker 2: no lazy motherfucker or whatever it might be, right, Like 239 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,480 Speaker 2: you know how sometimes adults could be out of pocket, y'all, 240 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,600 Speaker 2: or you're a child especially, and so I remember them 241 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,520 Speaker 2: saying things and I couldn't say it out loud. I 242 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,800 Speaker 2: couldn't say what I wanted to say to them. But 243 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,040 Speaker 2: as I'm looking at them in my mind or I'm 244 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,400 Speaker 2: custing them out in my mind, I'm also telling myself, 245 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,920 Speaker 2: like that's not true about you, Like You're not lazy, right, 246 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,600 Speaker 2: You're not this, You're not that, whatever it might be. 247 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:13,560 Speaker 2: You may have to sort of reframe it in your 248 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,800 Speaker 2: mind and really boost up and turn up that internal 249 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:19,200 Speaker 2: dialogue in the moment when you're looking at the person 250 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,720 Speaker 2: like you a motherfucking lie, Like you just know that 251 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,040 Speaker 2: you're like, I know you're you're gas fighting right now, 252 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,200 Speaker 2: but in your mind you're having the conversation with yourself 253 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:30,040 Speaker 2: so that you don't get sucked into their lying ass narrative. 254 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:34,160 Speaker 3: For lack of a word, yes, I love what you 255 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,800 Speaker 3: what you call it, they're lying ass narrative, because that's 256 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,600 Speaker 3: what it is, right exactly. And I think it also 257 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:44,960 Speaker 3: goes back to what you pointed out around positive affirmations 258 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:49,360 Speaker 3: and speaking positivity into yourself, so that internal dialogue also 259 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:53,160 Speaker 3: looks like having what we call our ees array moments 260 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:56,560 Speaker 3: right where we stand in the mirror and we're like, 261 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,720 Speaker 3: you a bad bitch, right, like I'm a baddie, Like 262 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,960 Speaker 3: what ever it is, you know, whatever, whatever words fuel 263 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:07,440 Speaker 3: you up, because calling yourself a baddie, calling yourself a 264 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,880 Speaker 3: babbage that might not feel that might not resonate with you. 265 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:14,400 Speaker 3: But whatever it is that you have to say to 266 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:20,840 Speaker 3: yourself to build yourself up and to create a constant 267 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 3: internal dialogue that is positive, I think that's important. And 268 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,240 Speaker 3: I think the thing too, I do want to also 269 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:33,400 Speaker 3: point out that our internal dialogue, we want to make 270 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:37,200 Speaker 3: sure that it's realistic. We don't want to get into, 271 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:39,600 Speaker 3: you know, we want to avoid the habit of like 272 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,320 Speaker 3: we don't want to go too far on the positive 273 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,920 Speaker 3: that it becomes like that toxic positivity that we're not 274 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:53,440 Speaker 3: creating room for the reality, but we want to make 275 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:57,120 Speaker 3: sure that we're staying in a lane of In general, 276 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:01,560 Speaker 3: our internal dialogue is one in which it feeds our soul, 277 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:06,560 Speaker 3: it feeds our spirit. It's like, we want our internal 278 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:12,880 Speaker 3: dialogue to be like wrapping yourself in a warm blanket 279 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:17,600 Speaker 3: on a cold day, right, Like is just something that 280 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:21,720 Speaker 3: is so comforting and feels so good and so soothing. 281 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,119 Speaker 3: That's what our internal dialogue should feel like. 282 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,480 Speaker 2: I love, love, love that dim and I like the 283 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,199 Speaker 2: fact that you pointed out the toxic positivity, which I 284 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,240 Speaker 2: learned I think last year that that is a thing. 285 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,520 Speaker 2: And so for me, what that looks like in action 286 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:41,440 Speaker 2: is maybe, like girl, this past week, this past two weeks, 287 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,080 Speaker 2: with the hormones and life, it's been a rough couple 288 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,240 Speaker 2: of weeks, and I remember having a day where I 289 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:47,919 Speaker 2: was like, you know what, I need to have a 290 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,840 Speaker 2: good cry and to have my good cry. And one 291 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:52,399 Speaker 2: of the things I kept saying to myself was like, 292 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,320 Speaker 2: I'm having I'm going through a rough patch, but it's 293 00:17:54,359 --> 00:17:56,800 Speaker 2: all going to be okay. So like acknowledging the moment 294 00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:00,359 Speaker 2: and then also acting in that positivity like it's all 295 00:18:00,359 --> 00:18:02,680 Speaker 2: going to be okay, because it always ends up being okay, 296 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,600 Speaker 2: and I truly believe that everything is working out for 297 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:07,159 Speaker 2: my good and so reminding myself of that even in 298 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,560 Speaker 2: the moment, like this is what I'm feeling right now, and. 299 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:15,240 Speaker 3: It's going to get better, right, yes, yeah. 300 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,040 Speaker 2: So that takes us on to our next one, which 301 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:21,080 Speaker 2: is managing emotions. And I think this is so important. 302 00:18:21,119 --> 00:18:24,360 Speaker 2: It is not easy, but it's important. And the example 303 00:18:24,359 --> 00:18:27,440 Speaker 2: I want to share with y'all is, ooh, back years 304 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,120 Speaker 2: years ago in this toxic relationship. I may have shared 305 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:32,840 Speaker 2: this on the podcast before, don but in this toxic 306 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:36,280 Speaker 2: relationship with this dude, the relationship was amazing in the beginning, 307 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,199 Speaker 2: Like many many times, it is right, you go through 308 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,600 Speaker 2: the honey young phase, you get all wrapped in you're like, oh, 309 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:44,040 Speaker 2: this is great. But I noticed some red flags throughout 310 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,240 Speaker 2: the course of the relationship, and things began to get 311 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:50,200 Speaker 2: more aggressive in the relationship, to the point where one 312 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:53,160 Speaker 2: day I was like folding clothes on his bed and 313 00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:55,840 Speaker 2: he got mad about something and came up and like 314 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:59,359 Speaker 2: dumped all the laundry out. Now, in my mind, I 315 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,320 Speaker 2: wanted to go off I want to go outside his head. 316 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:04,080 Speaker 2: But in the moment, I remember just pausing and like 317 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,240 Speaker 2: you know how you you're in that moment and you're 318 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:10,120 Speaker 2: you're heated, like I'm living and the inside my insides 319 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:12,200 Speaker 2: are flaming. It's like super hot. But I'm like, all right, 320 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,520 Speaker 2: this is not going to diffuse the situation. It'll make 321 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:18,560 Speaker 2: it worse. Now, when managing emotions, I think it's important 322 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,760 Speaker 2: not to get worked up right and to remind yourself 323 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:24,239 Speaker 2: of the internal dialogue that you're having. And so in 324 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:27,399 Speaker 2: a situation like that, in that relationship in particular, I 325 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,480 Speaker 2: would have situations where something like that would happen and 326 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:32,359 Speaker 2: then days later the person would say, oh, that didn't happen, 327 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,840 Speaker 2: like you knock them over or try to just recreate 328 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:38,000 Speaker 2: what actually happened. And I believe in those moments when 329 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,360 Speaker 2: they're gaslighting you, it's also important to manage your emotions 330 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,320 Speaker 2: and kind of go through what we said today, like 331 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:44,680 Speaker 2: trust yourself, I. 332 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:45,359 Speaker 3: Know what happened. 333 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,000 Speaker 2: I didn't dump I no, goddamn launch you that I 334 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,200 Speaker 2: just folded. So just reminding myself with like, that's not true, 335 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,960 Speaker 2: that didn't happen, right, So I think that's really really 336 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:56,399 Speaker 2: important because if we match their emotion, because usually the 337 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:59,760 Speaker 2: gas lighter is like super charged up right, they gotta 338 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:03,400 Speaker 2: the theatrics to prove like that didn't happen, that's not true, 339 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,240 Speaker 2: you know. They want to try to ask when we 340 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:06,880 Speaker 2: call this person to see what they say, and it's 341 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:11,960 Speaker 2: like no, look I was there, Like no, that didn't happen. Right, 342 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,639 Speaker 2: manage emotions. 343 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:17,520 Speaker 3: And I think, and to clarify that even further, right, 344 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:21,320 Speaker 3: what managing emotions looks like. So in that description that 345 00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:25,280 Speaker 3: you gave, managing emotions also is helping to not escalate 346 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:30,880 Speaker 3: the situation, right, But I want to clarify that managing 347 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:36,280 Speaker 3: our emotions is not denying our emotions, right, because sometimes 348 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,240 Speaker 3: when folks hear that when folks here or I have 349 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:44,080 Speaker 3: to manage my emotions, sometimes folks here that means I 350 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:48,119 Speaker 3: can't feel it. And I want us to be clear 351 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:54,960 Speaker 3: that your feelings are valid and you can feel everything 352 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:59,959 Speaker 3: that you need to feel. It's how it's the behavior 353 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:05,520 Speaker 3: that come out that you're speaking to Terry right of like, Okay, 354 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:11,879 Speaker 3: this dude is saying some wild ass shit and that 355 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:18,160 Speaker 3: I know ain't true. And I feel my tone changing, 356 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:22,440 Speaker 3: I feel my body temperature rising right, like I feel 357 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,840 Speaker 3: that anger is starting, Like I feel it in my 358 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:30,520 Speaker 3: belly and it's starting to rise, and I'm two seconds 359 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:35,960 Speaker 3: from going off reading him fulfills, And those feelings are valid. 360 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:42,040 Speaker 3: That anger is valid. And we also know that if 361 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:47,080 Speaker 3: you express that anger in how it's coming up, that 362 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:51,320 Speaker 3: volatility that you are feeling in the moment, it is 363 00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:54,840 Speaker 3: going to escalate the situation and potentially put both of 364 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:59,880 Speaker 3: you in harm's way, right, And so what we do 365 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:05,560 Speaker 3: is we have that moment of recognition that yep, anger 366 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:09,280 Speaker 3: is coming up, I feel it, and so we're going 367 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:13,440 Speaker 3: to go back and have that internal dialogue of a girl, 368 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:17,760 Speaker 3: you good, you are above this? Are you are not 369 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:22,720 Speaker 3: going to engage in this way. You are going to 370 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:28,600 Speaker 3: protect yourself and we are going to find another way 371 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:33,199 Speaker 3: to express those feelings. And we will once we are 372 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:37,600 Speaker 3: removed from this moment, we will release these feelings of 373 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,240 Speaker 3: anger in a healthy way. 374 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,000 Speaker 2: A mean to that, and that takes us on to 375 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:47,280 Speaker 2: our next tip here, which is to boost your confidence. Right, 376 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 2: everything here that we're talking about leads to having confidence 377 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,080 Speaker 2: and self and what I've realized right as someone who 378 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:56,439 Speaker 2: has struggled with low self esteem, you know, for years 379 00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:58,560 Speaker 2: and confidence issues, and I've done a lot of work 380 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:02,119 Speaker 2: to build that up. I realized that having confidence it 381 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,600 Speaker 2: tends to deter bad behavior. And I didn't realize that 382 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,879 Speaker 2: my lack of confidence and my low self esteem, I 383 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:11,280 Speaker 2: didn't realize that in some ways it made me a target. 384 00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:12,919 Speaker 2: Like I didn't realize it until I was out of 385 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,400 Speaker 2: the situation and have more confidence. I was like, oh, 386 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:17,439 Speaker 2: I can eat like someone could easily interact with me 387 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:20,160 Speaker 2: and see how I respond to compliments and see how 388 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,920 Speaker 2: I engage with other people and how I talk about myself, 389 00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:24,879 Speaker 2: and that tells them all they need to know on 390 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,200 Speaker 2: how they can treat me and interact with me. And 391 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,360 Speaker 2: when you think about it, we really lead the way 392 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:32,199 Speaker 2: and set expectations for how other people treat us, and 393 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,359 Speaker 2: what we allow oftentimes is what's going to continue. It 394 00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:37,920 Speaker 2: makes me think about this professor I had. There was 395 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:41,080 Speaker 2: a virtual class. I have this professor, and this professor 396 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:45,919 Speaker 2: started the class off strong. I mean, even her email 397 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,120 Speaker 2: signature was like, I'm just going to use a different names. 398 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:49,560 Speaker 2: I don't want to put her out there, but let's 399 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:52,399 Speaker 2: say it was SHAWNA. Davis. Let's say, and she said 400 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:58,880 Speaker 2: signed her email doctor Davis to my students and Shawna 401 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,000 Speaker 2: to my colleagues and start the class and she's like, 402 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,639 Speaker 2: don't call me Shauna. If you call me Shauna, I 403 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:07,120 Speaker 2: will not respond. Once you get your doctorate, you can 404 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,960 Speaker 2: call me Shauna, but for right now, you call me 405 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,639 Speaker 2: doctor Davis. And she's like, cameras on the zoom session. 406 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,159 Speaker 2: This is not an online class. This is interactive. She 407 00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:18,000 Speaker 2: had everybody on their toes. I mean, she was calling 408 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,480 Speaker 2: on people, so she set the expectation and you could 409 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:23,080 Speaker 2: tell that she had confidence. So we knew you don't 410 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:25,320 Speaker 2: play with doctor Davis. Doctor Davis, don't play that shit. 411 00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:27,280 Speaker 2: And when you when you show up in a certain way. 412 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:29,360 Speaker 2: As we're on our confidence journey and we're building it, 413 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:31,640 Speaker 2: there are certain things that people just won't even try 414 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:33,920 Speaker 2: it with you because they'll be like, oh shit, I 415 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,520 Speaker 2: ain't even gonna try with her because I already know, 416 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:38,160 Speaker 2: like one, she treats herself with respect, so she's probably 417 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:39,800 Speaker 2: gonna demand that for me, you know what I mean. 418 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,720 Speaker 2: So I think us working on that confidence journey is 419 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,000 Speaker 2: really going to also deter a lot of this behavior. 420 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,480 Speaker 2: And the other thing I want to add don is 421 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,399 Speaker 2: don't feel bad if you're on a journey and so 422 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,119 Speaker 2: on is still trying you, right, Like we're all a 423 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:55,240 Speaker 2: work in progress, and even I mean people, people are 424 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,719 Speaker 2: gonna try you. That's just that's their thing, right, Sometimes 425 00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,679 Speaker 2: it has nothing to do with us, but just what 426 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,720 Speaker 2: they're mission and what their intention is, right. 427 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:06,240 Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think to add to that, I think 428 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:10,600 Speaker 3: that there will also be situations that you find yourself 429 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:14,240 Speaker 3: in our moments, where you find yourself where you feel like, Okay, 430 00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:18,600 Speaker 3: in general, I'm good. My confidence is on a thousand, right, 431 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:25,920 Speaker 3: but it doesn't translate to every situation. So oftentimes, when 432 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:32,840 Speaker 3: we are in relationship with a gaslighter, chances are we 433 00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:36,040 Speaker 3: might be able to be confident in every other sphere 434 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:40,320 Speaker 3: of our life except for with that particular person, because 435 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:45,040 Speaker 3: more than likely what's happened is that person has found 436 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:52,240 Speaker 3: ways to tear you down so that you can show 437 00:25:52,359 --> 00:25:55,800 Speaker 3: up confident in every other area. But when you get 438 00:25:55,840 --> 00:26:02,160 Speaker 3: to them, your confidence is out the window. And so 439 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:05,399 Speaker 3: then that's when like the trusting yourself and that internal 440 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:09,520 Speaker 3: dialogue comes back into play to remind yourself of who 441 00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:13,200 Speaker 3: you are when you're interacting with that person. 442 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,199 Speaker 2: That is such a gem dumb, I'm glad that you 443 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,720 Speaker 2: made that distinction, because we did an episode about confidence 444 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:21,760 Speaker 2: and self esteem, like the difference between them and how 445 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:23,960 Speaker 2: it can be situational. You can be confident in one 446 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:27,000 Speaker 2: area and then not necessarily in the next. I know 447 00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:29,560 Speaker 2: with me, when I think back to gaslighting, some of 448 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:32,040 Speaker 2: the biggest ways that it impacted me dom are me 449 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:34,399 Speaker 2: questioning my memory. Like there was a long period of 450 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:38,159 Speaker 2: time where I was like, dang, I accepted the narrative like, oh, 451 00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,320 Speaker 2: I have a terrible memory. And then one day when 452 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:42,640 Speaker 2: I kind of you know, got out of that mental fog, 453 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,280 Speaker 2: and I was like, wait, one, I get that I'm 454 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:48,919 Speaker 2: the driver of this vehicle, right, Like, yes, yeah, I'm 455 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:51,640 Speaker 2: the driver of this vehicle, the vehicle of me, and 456 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:54,119 Speaker 2: I get to decide. So that was the narrative I 457 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,000 Speaker 2: was accepting. Like we talked about the quote and the 458 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:59,159 Speaker 2: quote earlier, I'm not going to accept that anymore. So 459 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:00,920 Speaker 2: I began to Jeff that, you know what, I have 460 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,520 Speaker 2: a great memory. I remember everything I need to remember, 461 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,520 Speaker 2: and I lied to you not. When I began to 462 00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:08,800 Speaker 2: embrace that mantra, I began to remember people's names. More 463 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,240 Speaker 2: people actually compliment me today and say, oh wow, you 464 00:27:11,359 --> 00:27:13,320 Speaker 2: just such a good job of remembering this certain fact 465 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,679 Speaker 2: or this or my name if we just met. So 466 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,639 Speaker 2: I think it's all again about that internal dialogue. And 467 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,960 Speaker 2: so one of the things that we want to cover 468 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:26,240 Speaker 2: now we want to dive into some of the strategies 469 00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:30,400 Speaker 2: to help you deal with a gas slighter. So let's 470 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:31,359 Speaker 2: jump on in down. 471 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:37,760 Speaker 4: Okay, Oh all right, So this first one, this first one, 472 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,600 Speaker 4: this first one can be hard if you haven't been 473 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:42,440 Speaker 4: doing the internal work right. 474 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,919 Speaker 3: But some of these strategies will also help you with 475 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:49,520 Speaker 3: the internal work, so they kind of go hand in hand. 476 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:55,119 Speaker 3: So this first strategy is listen to their side of 477 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:59,119 Speaker 3: the story. Now, lady, I know you listen to this 478 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,200 Speaker 3: and you just heard and you're like, what the fuck? 479 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,760 Speaker 2: Okay, I want to turn the podcast off right. 480 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:10,600 Speaker 3: Right, But hear us out, hear us out. So when 481 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:13,880 Speaker 3: a person is gaslighting you, they are changing the narrative, 482 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:22,200 Speaker 3: they are creating a false reality. So if you are 483 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:27,840 Speaker 3: really trying to pull out of this gas lighting, truly 484 00:28:28,119 --> 00:28:31,159 Speaker 3: listen to their side of the story. Listen to what 485 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:39,200 Speaker 3: they're saying, take notes, yes and the part A to this, 486 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:49,040 Speaker 3: ask questions and get specifics. Right. So if the narrative 487 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:55,160 Speaker 3: that they're telling you is we went to the festival 488 00:28:56,200 --> 00:29:02,479 Speaker 3: and you were high and drunk, and that's why we 489 00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:07,520 Speaker 3: got into a fight with that couple behind us. Right, 490 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:12,320 Speaker 3: that's the narrative they're telling. Let's say that the reality 491 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:17,160 Speaker 3: is that you all got into a fight with a 492 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:27,320 Speaker 3: couple behind you because your partner started talking reckless to them. Now, granted, 493 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,720 Speaker 3: both of y'all had been, you know, indulging in the 494 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:40,160 Speaker 3: Mary Jane, and both of y'all had been having some alcohol, liquid, courage, 495 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:44,680 Speaker 3: whatever you want to call it. But notice how in 496 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:48,320 Speaker 3: this gaslighting situation it has now turned to it was 497 00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:52,040 Speaker 3: your This was your fault. You were high, you were 498 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:57,560 Speaker 3: overly intoxicated, and this is why this happened. Right to 499 00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:00,680 Speaker 3: utilize strategy number one. You're listening to to their story 500 00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:05,920 Speaker 3: and then you start asking specifics. So you start asking, well, 501 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:11,760 Speaker 3: how much was I drinking? How much marijuana did I have? 502 00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:17,800 Speaker 3: Can you walk me through what was the conversation between 503 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:21,720 Speaker 3: us and the couple behind us? Like can you right now? 504 00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:24,680 Speaker 3: I might not be remembering the same way you're remembering. 505 00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:28,920 Speaker 3: So no, what I'm not saying, I'm not owning that 506 00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:33,400 Speaker 3: I have a memory issue. I'm just saying that we don't. 507 00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:38,440 Speaker 3: We aren't remembering it the same way. Can you can 508 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:42,000 Speaker 3: you clarify for me? Can you walk me through what 509 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:46,160 Speaker 3: you recall happening and take notes of what they said 510 00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:49,680 Speaker 3: or the specifics, and try to record it if you can, 511 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:52,080 Speaker 3: if it's possible. Because what I think this does, dom 512 00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:54,840 Speaker 3: is it gives you an idea of their cards. Like 513 00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:56,720 Speaker 3: you let them put their cards on the table, so 514 00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:58,960 Speaker 3: you can say, Okay, they said I had three drinks. 515 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:01,080 Speaker 3: I know I you only had two. 516 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:03,880 Speaker 2: So you're just like taking notes like okay, like building 517 00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:06,200 Speaker 2: a case kind of like playing their game to see 518 00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,840 Speaker 2: how much detail they're going to provide. It's also interesting 519 00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:11,520 Speaker 2: to see how they respond when you ask these questions. 520 00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:13,600 Speaker 2: Usually if someone's telling the truth, it's like, oh, yeah, 521 00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:15,640 Speaker 2: so you had this many drinks. This is what happened. 522 00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:18,560 Speaker 2: If they start stuttering or they get frustrated because you're 523 00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:21,520 Speaker 2: asking details, that should give you a sign, right, But 524 00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:25,000 Speaker 2: I think it's really important to just also like reframe 525 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:26,920 Speaker 2: what they're saying so that you understand it, like you 526 00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:29,920 Speaker 2: understand their lie correctly, right, Because then I think one, 527 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:32,000 Speaker 2: you're modeling good behavior so that when it's your time 528 00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:35,520 Speaker 2: to speak and share. Hopefully they give you the same respects. 529 00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:37,480 Speaker 2: But I think the main thing for us is to 530 00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:41,040 Speaker 2: understand what are they saying. Happened? Take my notes so 531 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:43,600 Speaker 2: I keep a record of that, and sometimes this stuff 532 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:45,760 Speaker 2: comes up more than once. Right, so a month down 533 00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:47,920 Speaker 2: the line when they start talking about, oh yeah, I 534 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:50,480 Speaker 2: remember that time because you did this and you started 535 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:52,960 Speaker 2: that fight with the couple, you can always go back 536 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 2: to your own notes and remember exactly what they said, 537 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,880 Speaker 2: so that when you see the discrepancy, it further leads 538 00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:01,280 Speaker 2: to you trusting yourself because you're like, yo, this person 539 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:05,560 Speaker 2: is they're legit gaslighting, Like it just proves your personal 540 00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:08,080 Speaker 2: case internally, so you know that you may have to 541 00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:11,840 Speaker 2: make a decision, whether it's leaving a relationship, going to counseling, 542 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:14,880 Speaker 2: or doing something else that can alleviate that situation, because 543 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:16,600 Speaker 2: no one deserves to be in this in a long 544 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,800 Speaker 2: term fashion, Like it's just it's ridiculous. 545 00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:23,040 Speaker 3: And the other thing with that too is to if 546 00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:26,320 Speaker 3: we're really trying to operate from a healthy space and model, 547 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:29,920 Speaker 3: like you said, model healthy communication and engagement, what you 548 00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:34,520 Speaker 3: know is, hey, I am recording this, Like whether it's 549 00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:38,400 Speaker 3: voice recording or writing it down because I'm recognizing that 550 00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:42,200 Speaker 3: we're having discrepancies and I want to make sure that 551 00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:46,320 Speaker 3: we're on the same page, and so I'm taking notes 552 00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:50,240 Speaker 3: so that we can we can both be clear that 553 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:52,520 Speaker 3: this is what's happened. 554 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:57,000 Speaker 2: Yes, and if for coordinant, don't lie. So that takes 555 00:32:57,080 --> 00:32:59,040 Speaker 2: us on to number two, which we kind of touched 556 00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:01,960 Speaker 2: on earlier, which is main calm and stay silent during 557 00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:05,120 Speaker 2: their outbursts. I believe that this allows you to again 558 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:07,120 Speaker 2: collect more information, but you just let them, let them 559 00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:09,240 Speaker 2: talk a happen when you're like okay, just sit back 560 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:12,440 Speaker 2: like okay, and again you're having that interim dialogue with yourself, 561 00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:15,360 Speaker 2: right remaining calm so that you can kind of diffuse 562 00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:19,560 Speaker 2: the situation versus escalated because they probably are super theatrical 563 00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:23,080 Speaker 2: and over the top with this. Also staying silent and 564 00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:25,720 Speaker 2: being calm because a lot of times they are doing 565 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:28,640 Speaker 2: it for a reaction. They want you to begin to pan. 566 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:31,600 Speaker 2: They can question yourself and that's not true, that didn't happen, 567 00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:33,960 Speaker 2: And once you do that, then they can They may 568 00:33:34,160 --> 00:33:36,240 Speaker 2: try to remain calm at times and then call you 569 00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:40,040 Speaker 2: out on your air quotes, erratic behavior, but I know 570 00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:42,720 Speaker 2: it needs to become erratic when someone is lying on 571 00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:44,720 Speaker 2: you about what you've done and what you didn't do, 572 00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,560 Speaker 2: that shit like that. Yeah, that will make me. 573 00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:51,640 Speaker 3: So it will. It will bring you there, right, it 574 00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:55,200 Speaker 3: will pull you out of yourself. And in those moments, 575 00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:57,000 Speaker 3: you want to ground yourself. 576 00:33:57,080 --> 00:34:01,880 Speaker 5: So that might mean taking a few deep breath, it 577 00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:07,280 Speaker 5: might mean having a mantra to like to calm yourself, 578 00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:08,040 Speaker 5: to soothe yourself. 579 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:12,440 Speaker 3: Right, So identifying what that mantra might be like I 580 00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:16,960 Speaker 3: am present, I am in full mind, body and spirit. 581 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:21,359 Speaker 3: So identifying whatever that mantra is to like calm you down, 582 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:27,120 Speaker 3: to recenter yourself. And the thing is is that if 583 00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:30,560 Speaker 3: you're calm and they and you continue to be calm, 584 00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:32,440 Speaker 3: it is going to be hard for them to continue 585 00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:35,640 Speaker 3: to be on a thousand. When you are remaining calm, 586 00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:40,600 Speaker 3: I will say that sometimes that might further infuriate them 587 00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:43,239 Speaker 3: because again, like you pointed out, Terry, they're wanting you, 588 00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:48,319 Speaker 3: They're wanting to pull you into this. Right, continue to 589 00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:52,600 Speaker 3: remain calm and if they pull you, you know, they 590 00:34:52,719 --> 00:34:57,600 Speaker 3: keep trying to pull you out. Just know I'm calm 591 00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:01,319 Speaker 3: because I want to hear you out. I want to 592 00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:06,000 Speaker 3: make sure that I am fully present for hearing your 593 00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:11,600 Speaker 3: side of things, and that may mean like this, remaining calm, 594 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:14,200 Speaker 3: like you said, Sary, can be incredibly hard to do 595 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:18,600 Speaker 3: in the moment, and so in addition to the deep breathing, 596 00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:24,800 Speaker 3: it's also good to kind of remind yourself that staying 597 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:28,680 Speaker 3: calm is going to keep you safe. And if it 598 00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:32,160 Speaker 3: gets to a point where you staying calm you no 599 00:35:32,239 --> 00:35:39,640 Speaker 3: longer feel safe, it's okay to leave that situation and 600 00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:44,400 Speaker 3: figuring out identifying for yourself what that means to safely 601 00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:47,279 Speaker 3: leave the situation. I recognize that some of us don't 602 00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:49,680 Speaker 3: have good relationships with the police, you know, and how 603 00:35:49,719 --> 00:35:53,759 Speaker 3: that is without how police interact with our community, and 604 00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:58,000 Speaker 3: so identifying what is the thing that what is your 605 00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:00,920 Speaker 3: method for meaing safety? 606 00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:04,560 Speaker 2: And that leads us to our last one here, which 607 00:36:04,600 --> 00:36:08,759 Speaker 2: is if it feels appropriate, and you know, when you 608 00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:10,560 Speaker 2: think about your intention, I want you to think about 609 00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:13,480 Speaker 2: your intention before you dig into number three. But it's 610 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,319 Speaker 2: pull up receipts or your proof, whatever proof you have, 611 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:20,160 Speaker 2: whether it's a voice recording or notes that you've taken 612 00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:23,640 Speaker 2: and like a journal or something. And some people say 613 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:27,680 Speaker 2: call them in call them out, say something, let them know, like, hey, 614 00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:30,840 Speaker 2: I don't know if you're familiar with gaslighting, but this 615 00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:33,359 Speaker 2: is the definition. And I feel as though I'm being 616 00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:35,920 Speaker 2: gaslit right now. Right, So you can use your I 617 00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:38,880 Speaker 2: statements versus you, because you know people get super defensive. 618 00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:41,200 Speaker 2: You're like, you're gaslighting me, right, So, hey, I feel 619 00:36:41,239 --> 00:36:42,919 Speaker 2: like I'm being gasoled right here. Let me tell you why. 620 00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:46,279 Speaker 2: You can show your receipts and see how they respond, right. 621 00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:50,479 Speaker 2: I think it's really important to confront the behavior because 622 00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:52,560 Speaker 2: it leads back to that confidence when we speak up 623 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:54,760 Speaker 2: for ourselves, When we let them know we're on to them, 624 00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:58,880 Speaker 2: they often end up finding a new victim because they know, crap, 625 00:36:58,960 --> 00:37:00,640 Speaker 2: I can't play this game with her, right, like I 626 00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:01,719 Speaker 2: got to do this with someone. 627 00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:05,000 Speaker 3: Else, right. And I think it's also important to as 628 00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:11,759 Speaker 3: you're pulling up receipts in proof to not say you're 629 00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:16,239 Speaker 3: a liar or I think you're lying. Right when you're 630 00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:18,719 Speaker 3: pulling up the receipts and proof, you're not using that 631 00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:24,759 Speaker 3: language you're saying. Remember when we talked, when we previously 632 00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:28,160 Speaker 3: talked about I wanted to make sure I was keeping 633 00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:30,680 Speaker 3: documentations so that I made sure that we are on 634 00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:34,440 Speaker 3: the same page. I'm concerned that we're not on the 635 00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:39,719 Speaker 3: same page right now. Here's some more information. Here's what 636 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:44,920 Speaker 3: we previously how we previously talked about this, here's the recording, 637 00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:50,040 Speaker 3: here's the notes that we previously when we previously talked 638 00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:53,640 Speaker 3: about this situation. But the key is to remember to 639 00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:56,920 Speaker 3: not like, as you're pulling up your receipts, we're not 640 00:37:57,320 --> 00:38:02,040 Speaker 3: even though, let's be real, technically we are saying you lion. 641 00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:09,040 Speaker 3: Technically that's what we're saying. However, when we are dealing 642 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:12,560 Speaker 3: with a gas lighter who being confronted can cause some 643 00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:17,120 Speaker 3: emotional volatility in that person right or cause some defensiveness 644 00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:21,319 Speaker 3: to come up. Our goal always when interacting with the 645 00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:26,360 Speaker 3: gas lighter is not to escalate the situation. And so 646 00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:33,160 Speaker 3: we're not gonna use the language you lion, or I 647 00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:37,719 Speaker 3: think you're lying as motherfucker like you, even if that 648 00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:43,839 Speaker 3: might be your internal dialogue, that is not what you're 649 00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:45,120 Speaker 3: gonna say out loud. 650 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:47,200 Speaker 1: A man. 651 00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:48,000 Speaker 3: That's the whole point. 652 00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:49,120 Speaker 2: I appreciate you sharing that. 653 00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:49,399 Speaker 3: Dom. 654 00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:52,160 Speaker 2: We do want to talk about a couple strategies of 655 00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:54,319 Speaker 2: self protection, and we're only gonna touch on them from 656 00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:56,000 Speaker 2: a high level, and then we're gonna jump into the 657 00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:58,320 Speaker 2: after show and talk a bit more about them. But 658 00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:00,560 Speaker 2: you can also take a look at this Likeology Today 659 00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:02,880 Speaker 2: article in the show notes. But I would say that 660 00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:05,080 Speaker 2: my top two if I had to choose, like two 661 00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:08,960 Speaker 2: ways of self protection, you cover one now, don which 662 00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:10,879 Speaker 2: is don't tell the gas lighter they're lying, right, because 663 00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:13,080 Speaker 2: then of course that presents a whole other path and 664 00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:15,279 Speaker 2: then being defensive and all that, I would say the 665 00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:17,480 Speaker 2: first one is to stop and think. I think that's 666 00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:18,240 Speaker 2: really important. 667 00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:18,600 Speaker 3: Right here. 668 00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:21,239 Speaker 2: The article says this is one way to resist the 669 00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:24,480 Speaker 2: attempt to be influenced. So instead of just going along 670 00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:26,920 Speaker 2: with what you're hearing, stop and thinking for yourself, right, 671 00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:30,239 Speaker 2: It's really important. And I think the other is too. 672 00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:33,520 Speaker 2: It has given to avoid the hard time with the 673 00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:36,720 Speaker 2: gas from the gas lighter. I've definitely found myself giving 674 00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:39,319 Speaker 2: into things or I don't even give in to such 675 00:39:39,440 --> 00:39:41,160 Speaker 2: It's a tough one for me because I get they 676 00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:43,799 Speaker 2: think I'm giving in, but internally I already know what's up. 677 00:39:44,160 --> 00:39:46,279 Speaker 2: So it's like you make them think that you're giving in, 678 00:39:46,719 --> 00:39:48,600 Speaker 2: and then on the back end that's where I'm making 679 00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:50,680 Speaker 2: decisions like Okay, yeah, we're gonna have to change the 680 00:39:50,719 --> 00:39:53,600 Speaker 2: dynamics of this relationship or I'm going to have to 681 00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:55,560 Speaker 2: limit my time with this person, depending on you know, 682 00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:57,399 Speaker 2: if it's like a family member or something like that. 683 00:39:57,719 --> 00:40:00,560 Speaker 2: So those I would say are my two like Fai from. 684 00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:03,640 Speaker 3: This article, Yeah, I think for that one about the 685 00:40:03,719 --> 00:40:08,000 Speaker 3: giving in, I think it's it's important to highlight that 686 00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:09,800 Speaker 3: that is not your all, That is not going to 687 00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:15,239 Speaker 3: be your always go to method. Yeah, and that the 688 00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:22,640 Speaker 3: biggest key is that you still know the reality. Yes, 689 00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:27,360 Speaker 3: you are giving in to avoid the hard time, but 690 00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:30,920 Speaker 3: you are not giving in does not mean is not 691 00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:37,960 Speaker 3: to be equated with I believe, yes, excuse yes exactly, 692 00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:39,520 Speaker 3: or you're excusing the behavior. 693 00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:42,680 Speaker 2: So it could literally be them saying whatever their lie 694 00:40:42,719 --> 00:40:45,319 Speaker 2: is and you're saying okay because you're done, like you're 695 00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:47,520 Speaker 2: finished having the back and forth, and it's like, oh okay, 696 00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:49,279 Speaker 2: And on the inside you're like this mother luckuld think 697 00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:51,600 Speaker 2: I'm crazy, they think the I'm belief and you having 698 00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:53,800 Speaker 2: your own dialogue and you're making your plan of whatever's 699 00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,360 Speaker 2: going to keep you safe insane. So yes, thank you 700 00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:57,240 Speaker 2: for making that distinction. 701 00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:57,480 Speaker 3: Dom. 702 00:40:57,480 --> 00:41:00,880 Speaker 2: It's definitely not excusing the bad behavior. Or letting or 703 00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:02,680 Speaker 2: telling them that you believe the line. 704 00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:09,120 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think, you know, looking at this list, I 705 00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:12,600 Speaker 3: think like the one I pointed out about not telling 706 00:41:12,719 --> 00:41:16,680 Speaker 3: that's that's my main one, right, like not actually using 707 00:41:17,480 --> 00:41:21,760 Speaker 3: the words that they are lying, right, and that there 708 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:26,319 Speaker 3: is in how we communicate we can we can communicate 709 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:30,440 Speaker 3: their line without directly saying that they're lying. And then 710 00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:33,840 Speaker 3: but the other thing that I think is really the 711 00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:37,000 Speaker 3: tip that I think that is really important is and 712 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:40,520 Speaker 3: which will get you through all the other tips, is 713 00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:45,960 Speaker 3: you holding on to what you know is true, right 714 00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:53,080 Speaker 3: that recognizing that what this person saying is an attempt 715 00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:58,640 Speaker 3: to pull you out of your reality, and you constantly 716 00:41:58,719 --> 00:42:03,800 Speaker 3: reminding yourself that X is what I know is true? 717 00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:08,440 Speaker 3: Why is what I know to be true? So that 718 00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:16,680 Speaker 3: you don't get pulled into their gas lighting, that you 719 00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:23,640 Speaker 3: stay firmly grounded in I know the sky is blue. 720 00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:26,160 Speaker 3: They might be telling me right now that the sky 721 00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:37,160 Speaker 3: is purple, and I might say, okay, but I will 722 00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:40,040 Speaker 3: hold on to and my internal dialogue is going to 723 00:42:40,120 --> 00:42:43,880 Speaker 3: be mm hmm, girl, you know that sky is blue, 724 00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:47,520 Speaker 3: you know what it is, you know exactly what it is. 725 00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:50,960 Speaker 2: Now, Dom, I have a question for you that I 726 00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:52,600 Speaker 2: want to discuss in the after show. I want to 727 00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:55,960 Speaker 2: I want to know how what you think people should 728 00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:59,440 Speaker 2: do when the gas lighter tries to turn it on them. 729 00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:02,000 Speaker 2: So let's say, for instance, someone is not they just 730 00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:03,879 Speaker 2: weren't aware of the tip of not calling them a liar. 731 00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:05,960 Speaker 2: But once they call them a liar, now the guest 732 00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:08,040 Speaker 2: starts like, well, why are you calling me names? And 733 00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:09,680 Speaker 2: now they try to make it about the other person 734 00:43:09,719 --> 00:43:11,560 Speaker 2: to divert their attention. So I want to talk about 735 00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:13,920 Speaker 2: that in the after show. But really quick, lady, we 736 00:43:14,080 --> 00:43:18,920 Speaker 2: have three relatively new five star reviews on Apple Podcasts. 737 00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:21,799 Speaker 2: I want to call out Jaybean's mom who said that 738 00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:24,120 Speaker 2: she just started listening and she only listened to two 739 00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:27,360 Speaker 2: podcast episodes, but she is loving it so far. Hey girl, 740 00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:29,600 Speaker 2: thank you for the support, Thank you for leaving a review. 741 00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:32,319 Speaker 2: We have let Love, who said literally one of my 742 00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:35,520 Speaker 2: favorite podcasts for women, especially black women. And then we 743 00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:37,200 Speaker 2: have Brianna. We appreciate you. 744 00:43:37,239 --> 00:43:37,600 Speaker 3: Brianna. 745 00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:40,200 Speaker 2: She says she loved the podcast from the first episode. 746 00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:43,520 Speaker 2: If you are listening, lady, and you got any value 747 00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:46,760 Speaker 2: or a fresh perspective or something from this episode, please 748 00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:51,600 Speaker 2: consider going to Apple podcasts Spotify refuse leaving us a 749 00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:55,800 Speaker 2: five star review because we are a black owned, black founded, 750 00:43:56,080 --> 00:44:00,319 Speaker 2: black funded podcast, Okay, and when you leave us for use, 751 00:44:00,600 --> 00:44:04,160 Speaker 2: it helps other women like you find the podcast. Okay, 752 00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:06,239 Speaker 2: So help sisters out, y'all. This is for us. We 753 00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:08,640 Speaker 2: do this for us, Okay, so help us out. Make 754 00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:10,520 Speaker 2: sure you tune into the after show by visiting our 755 00:44:10,520 --> 00:44:13,960 Speaker 2: Patreon and we will see you next week, same time, 756 00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:14,960 Speaker 2: same place. 757 00:44:16,680 --> 00:44:19,480 Speaker 3: Hey lady, it's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her 758 00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:23,560 Speaker 3: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state 759 00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:29,000 Speaker 3: of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, 760 00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:34,040 Speaker 3: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com. 761 00:44:34,520 --> 00:44:39,480 Speaker 3: That's d R D O M I N I q 762 00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:45,080 Speaker 3: U E b r O U ss ar D dot 763 00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:50,040 Speaker 3: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look 764 00:44:50,080 --> 00:44:55,280 Speaker 3: forward to hearing from you. Thanks for joining us today. 765 00:44:55,640 --> 00:45:01,120 Speaker 3: Please note that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice, 766 00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:05,960 Speaker 3: self empowerment, and mental health, but is by no means 767 00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:09,880 Speaker 3: meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship 768 00:45:10,200 --> 00:45:13,920 Speaker 3: with a trained mental health provider. If you are someone 769 00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:17,360 Speaker 3: you know is in need of mental health care. Please 770 00:45:17,440 --> 00:45:22,600 Speaker 3: visit a Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today or 771 00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:24,320 Speaker 3: contact your insurance provider. 772 00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:26,359 Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 773 00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:30,279 Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and 774 00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:35,279 Speaker 2: Twitter at herspace podcast or check out our website at 775 00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:39,080 Speaker 2: herspace podcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat 776 00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:43,720 Speaker 2: after me. I attract abundance and prosperity with ease