Speaker 1: Welcome to couples Counseling with Chelsea hand job. I'm here
Speaker 1: with my friends Yah Yah and Sam and we're back
Speaker 1: with Sam and ya Ya for a couples counseling. So
Speaker 1: I have to pick again you guys.
Speaker 2: I yes, yeah, No me and a mean or we're
Speaker 2: talking about that because she was just like, yeah, you know,
Speaker 2: like you're mean, and I was like, when have I
Speaker 2: ever been mean to? She's like, well, you know you're
Speaker 2: coming room and it's like you don't know what you're on.
Speaker 2: You might just come room and say what up and
Speaker 2: just keep it moving. I'm like, so I'm not in
Speaker 2: the move to do more than that that day. I'm
Speaker 2: here to do my job. Sometimes you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: and it's just like, good to see you, but I'm
Speaker 2: in my own those lunch won't do my little one Tuesy.
Speaker 2: I'm tired of whatever. I'm out, but I say it up.
Speaker 2: It's like, I'm like, why do niggas need that?
Speaker 3: What do you? What do you?
Speaker 4: I think it may be because y'all are entertainment too,
Speaker 4: that people just expect you to always be on. I
Speaker 4: can't speak for you, but I know for me because
Speaker 4: I'm always like, that's what I always expect me to
Speaker 4: be on so I'm.
Speaker 5: Not like you said, And it's like I feel that way.
Speaker 2: I feel like a lot of times when we're running
Speaker 2: to other people are like, aren't you supposed to be
Speaker 2: the comment? Aren't you supposed to be the one that's
Speaker 2: like jove y'all and trying to make me laugh and try,
Speaker 2: and my lack of interest in doing that makes them
Speaker 2: think that I'm like a bitch, and it's like, no,
Speaker 2: I'm just why.
Speaker 3: Do I need to do that?
Speaker 5: I don't know, girl, Thanks boy, I don't know, but
Speaker 5: you need to make me laugh on the second.
Speaker 3: I do make you laugh all the time.
Speaker 5: I laugh right now.
Speaker 3: You're actually my favorite person's entertained.
Speaker 5: Okay, well go ahead, Bojangles. Do you think.
Speaker 3: That's when I'm happiest.
Speaker 2: When I'm in the house alone and your cackling your
Speaker 2: ass off, I feel the funniest.
Speaker 3: So, I don't know. I've always liked me being silly
Speaker 3: for you.
Speaker 5: I like it when you're silly for me.
Speaker 3: I always enjoy I like being.
Speaker 1: Silly bonding while I'm gone while the counselors at the
Speaker 1: back in.
Speaker 5: The bathroom, we do better without you.
Speaker 1: I know, I'm most couple of Thank you guys for
Speaker 1: being so open and sharing so much. I think our
Speaker 1: listeners are really going to enjoy it. By the way,
Speaker 1: thank you for my slides, my Louis Vaton slides that
Speaker 1: I called Wiki or Fendi or whatever. I want you
Speaker 1: to know that I wear those whenever I get a
Speaker 1: pedicure and around my house, and I got and every
Speaker 1: time someone sees me and these Louis Vaton slides, they're like,
Speaker 1: are you fucking wearing Louis Vaton slides? They're like, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: that couldn't be less you. I'm like, I fucking love
Speaker 1: these slides. And then I left them in LA and
Speaker 1: realized yesterday I didn't have them in my suitcase, so
Speaker 1: they sent them and I got them today, she takes
Speaker 1: to Mayorca. Yeah, I fucking love them. That's good.
Speaker 5: I'm glad.
Speaker 1: And I still have the video of you walking in
Speaker 1: with the DHL box at the dinner. Okay, let's talk
Speaker 1: speaking of Louis Vaton, let's talk who's in charge of
Speaker 1: the finances and who spends the most money.
Speaker 4: Now you already know Sam is in charge of the finances.
Speaker 1: In charge or does she make the money and then
Speaker 1: you oversee the money?
Speaker 5: No, I do not oversee the money.
Speaker 4: Sam has a business manager who oversees the money.
Speaker 1: And how does that work for.
Speaker 5: You, Joe?
Speaker 2: So I also I also oversee the money. I'd just
Speaker 2: like to put that out there.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, I'm not saying that.
Speaker 2: I'm not saying that I'm also overseeing the money.
Speaker 3: I'm not just letting this guy.
Speaker 1: Unlike me, who's not overseeing any of my money. I
Speaker 1: don't know what the fuck is going on. I'm just like,
Speaker 1: tell me when I need to work and when I
Speaker 1: cannot work. Okay, So is it an area of discord
Speaker 1: between you two? Absolutely, yes it is. What is it?
Speaker 5: I mean, it's not for me.
Speaker 3: I would say, we.
Speaker 2: Just had a whole therapy session about it. So I
Speaker 2: think it's a thing, Okay. I think it's fair to
Speaker 2: say the thing for you, Okay.
Speaker 3: Not for me.
Speaker 1: Tell us what you're saying.
Speaker 3: I'm saying. I think it is.
Speaker 2: There is a power imbalance that plays out, and I
Speaker 2: think it mostly stems from the fact that I am
Speaker 2: the sole provider financially, and I think that power in
Speaker 2: balance bothers you as well.
Speaker 3: Sometimes.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I can say, I think it is an
Speaker 2: issue for both of us. I think it's an issue.
Speaker 5: It's not like a come all, be all think to me.
Speaker 4: But I think it is different because we first met,
Speaker 4: I had the money and Sam did not, and I
Speaker 4: was the business owner. And then when we got back
Speaker 4: together this last round, I saw, like I don't have
Speaker 4: I sold my business, so I'm totally dependent on Sam.
Speaker 5: So the dynamics are totally different.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that must be strange, but I mean.
Speaker 2: The dynamics are also totally They're just totally different, right,
Speaker 2: Like because at the time when we first met, I
Speaker 2: wasn't living with you.
Speaker 3: You weren't living with me.
Speaker 2: You just made more money than me, and like I
Speaker 2: was too broke to take you on dates, so we
Speaker 2: would just hang out and fucking your house and like
Speaker 2: that was the extent to which we dealt with money.
Speaker 2: Whereas now we're like living together, paying bills together. That's
Speaker 2: like a whole nother you know, cares different.
Speaker 1: And do you give her an allowance? Do you have something?
Speaker 5: I'm on payroll?
Speaker 4: Girl, I worked for my allowance, but you're not gonna.
Speaker 2: Do with.
Speaker 1: Isn't that a sex worker?
Speaker 5: I said that.
Speaker 4: I said that, but I said, I wor for it.
Speaker 4: You don't I do. You're lying I do only.
Speaker 3: Reason you're on payrolls for taxes and you know it.
Speaker 3: You don't for I don't.
Speaker 5: I don't support you.
Speaker 1: I don't cook, I don't clean. You don't cook or
Speaker 1: clean or anything it. Oh I thought yeah I was
Speaker 1: a good house. Well, bitch, I thought you said I
Speaker 1: don't cook.
Speaker 3: I don't.
Speaker 5: I'm saying no, I'm asking her like I don't.
Speaker 1: I'm I do.
Speaker 5: I work for my allowance.
Speaker 3: That's working for you.
Speaker 5: Yes, I work hard.
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Are you cooking and cleaning?
Speaker 3: That's just like taking care of those.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's what that's what she lives there. I know.
Speaker 3: But you can't like if I clean my own room,
Speaker 3: I worked.
Speaker 1: Well, then go ahead and do it. Go clean.
Speaker 3: We also have made so well, So come.
Speaker 1: On, man, anything, how many do you have?
Speaker 2: Well, they just come clean once to like once af
Speaker 2: Now don't really, it's once every two weeks.
Speaker 1: She bumped it up. She had to bump it up.
Speaker 1: She's like, listen, I'm getting sick of this cleaning.
Speaker 2: I don't think cleaning your own house and cooking food
Speaker 2: in your own house is work.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry. I just don't.
Speaker 5: All right, I beg to differ.
Speaker 3: But that's not work. You're not working. You're like maintaining
Speaker 3: where you live.
Speaker 4: I'm maintaining our life where we live.
Speaker 3: That's not working. That is work.
Speaker 1: You're making your house nice and cozy and comfy so
Speaker 1: you can come home.
Speaker 3: And that's not like working.
Speaker 5: That is work.
Speaker 3: That's maintaining.
Speaker 4: Minimizing. That's you know, you're minimizing the whole segment of people.
Speaker 4: What about the moms of the world that are home
Speaker 4: and and doing stuff.
Speaker 5: That's that's work.
Speaker 4: You're not a mom. We have no chance I have.
Speaker 4: You have a cat, I have to take care of.
Speaker 4: Your cats are gone. It's just what that's your friend,
Speaker 4: That's what I'm saying. You're just hanging out with your friend.
Speaker 4: You like that's your child, Like fancy.
Speaker 2: You like hanging out him. You don't go to bed
Speaker 2: without calling him and making him come.
Speaker 5: But that's your cat.
Speaker 3: No, that's our cat.
Speaker 2: You rock with him, yes, but I'm so so hanging
Speaker 2: out with your cat is not You can't babysit your
Speaker 2: own kid.
Speaker 3: I'm saying is like you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: All I'm saying is that' don't minimize what I do
Speaker 2: I work on I'm not minimizing it. I think what
Speaker 2: you do is absolutely amazing and I really appreciate how
Speaker 2: it contributes to our hushold in our life.
Speaker 3: And I'm not minimizing.
Speaker 2: I'm just saying it's not work, you're just maintaining your life.
Speaker 1: It's an interesting debate. I'm sure I really can't weigh
Speaker 1: in because I don't have a spouse or a child,
Speaker 1: and I don't do anything for myself, so I can't
Speaker 1: really weigh in on this. I think it would be nice,
Speaker 1: since we're closing our sessions together to hear your advice
Speaker 1: for people who are getting into relationships. What you think
Speaker 1: it takes to maintain a long term healthy relationship, Like
Speaker 1: what is the most important ingredient.
Speaker 4: I would say the most important ingredient is communication and
Speaker 4: being vulnerable with your partner, because you have to expose
Speaker 4: yourself and it's hard to do that long term because
Speaker 4: when you first meet somebody or your first dating, y'all
Speaker 4: aren't really being your authentic selves. You're being a version
Speaker 4: of the person that you think that they want. And
Speaker 4: then once you get to know the person and your
Speaker 4: your most authentic self, you have to let all all
Speaker 4: the shit go that you came with, all the baggage.
Speaker 4: You got to let that go and just be there
Speaker 4: for your partner and communicate to your part what I'm
Speaker 4: trying to think, Like, no, you're saying right, I mean,
Speaker 4: you're saying so dope.
Speaker 3: Well you just like just be your bitch.
Speaker 1: Yacause that's what it is.
Speaker 4: You have to communicate and you have to let all
Speaker 4: the other shit go. You can't bring in all the
Speaker 4: stuff that you went through in your life, because everybody
Speaker 4: has traumas and experiences that they bring into a relationship.
Speaker 4: But if you want to have a healthy relationship, you
Speaker 4: have to get to the root of all of your
Speaker 4: traumas and all the things that fucked you up as
Speaker 4: a person. So you don't bring that into relationship. You
Speaker 4: can just be the best version of yourself for that person.
Speaker 1: And do you think you can get rid of that
Speaker 1: and your trauma without therapy?
Speaker 4: Absolutely not. I know I couldn't, So I can't. I couldn't,
Speaker 4: So I can't speak for anybody else.
Speaker 5: I know I could. What about you?
Speaker 2: No, there was definitely voices could I wouldn't have gotten
Speaker 2: too without therapy, And I think I do a lot
Speaker 2: of my own work really well. Like I'm one of
Speaker 2: those people who maybe three years ago would have been
Speaker 2: like you only therapy, spending the time with yourself, you
Speaker 2: digging deep enough, you could probably you know, excavate most
Speaker 2: of this shit because I've done it. But once I
Speaker 2: did do therapy because of what we were going to
Speaker 2: do in our relationship, I don't think I ever would win.
Speaker 2: Otherwise I never would have went for myself. But you
Speaker 2: saying like, we have to go if we're gonna keep
Speaker 2: doing this was the only reason I even ended up there.
Speaker 2: But once I was there, I have to say things
Speaker 2: that I landed on with my brother and all that
Speaker 2: I would have never it. Never, I never would have
Speaker 2: went there. I don't think my brain would have allowed
Speaker 2: me to go there.
Speaker 1: So yeah, and what do you think the most important
Speaker 1: thing to have a long sustainable relationship is patience?
Speaker 3: Patience?
Speaker 2: If you just patience, It's like, if you're gonna really
Speaker 2: be with someone, then you have to accept you're gonna
Speaker 2: be multiple versions of them in that time span. Who
Speaker 2: they are when you first get together is not who
Speaker 2: they're gonna be later. They're gonna go through things, they're
Speaker 2: gonna change as a results of the things that they
Speaker 2: go through, they're gonna need different things, And it's like
Speaker 2: giving people space to change.
Speaker 1: Like a chance to change or space to change.
Speaker 2: Space Like if you're really gonna be with someone forever
Speaker 2: and say they hit a slump, say they hit a depression,
Speaker 2: say something happens in their life, and now you're with somebody,
Speaker 2: and it's like that ain't who you started out with,
Speaker 2: and this might not even be a person that you
Speaker 2: like that much. If you're gonna be with them, it's
Speaker 2: supporting them and being patient too that so that they
Speaker 2: can get to the person that's on the other side
Speaker 2: of whatever that is.
Speaker 3: And that's like giving them space.
Speaker 2: It's like not requiring them to hurry up and figure
Speaker 2: it out, not requiring them to just go back to
Speaker 2: what they were, not requiring them to tell you what
Speaker 2: the fuck is wrong, because maybe they don't even all
Speaker 2: the way know, but just like allowing them the space
Speaker 2: and being supportive, and sometimes you have to do that
Speaker 2: shit from a distance to get there whatever it is
Speaker 2: that they're getting, you know, which might be a whole
Speaker 2: other person most likely than the person they were before
Speaker 2: or the person they are in the shit and then
Speaker 2: it's like patients with that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because sometimes people can change so drastically within a
Speaker 1: relationship that they're not even recognizable to as the person
Speaker 1: that they were in the beginning. And in that case,
Speaker 1: there could be an argument for like, when you're not
Speaker 1: even the same person, it's not like you're there's this evolution,
Speaker 1: it's you're a completely different person. Absolutely, you know, because
Speaker 1: of whatever circumstances.
Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, And what do you.
Speaker 1: Think, y'all? Y'all like if you had to name something
Speaker 1: that you've learned through your relationship about yourself, the most
Speaker 1: powerful thing you've learned about yourself to adjust your own behavior,
Speaker 1: or something that you didn't know you had.
Speaker 3: What is that?
Speaker 5: ADHD?
Speaker 4: I'm so serious ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD. I
Speaker 4: think that was the most transformative thing for me in
Speaker 4: this relationship. And if she didn't like, I would see
Speaker 4: things and be like, oh, I think I got that shit,
Speaker 4: and she'd be like nah, no, maybe, But when she'd
Speaker 4: hit the fan, her saying hey, I think you may
Speaker 4: you may really have that. You may want to go
Speaker 4: talk to someone, and me going to see well, talking
Speaker 4: to my therapists and then seeing a psychologist and getting
Speaker 4: clinically diagnosed with ADHD. I think was the biggest game
Speaker 4: changer for me because it made me see why I
Speaker 4: was doing things, how I was doing things why, Like
Speaker 4: it just everything aligned once I understood that, because I
Speaker 4: understood my more.
Speaker 1: And what were the things that you were able to
Speaker 1: identify that you were doing as a result of having
Speaker 1: an undiagnosed ADHD.
Speaker 4: Well they were first they were misdiagnosed me saying that
Speaker 4: it was a depression or anxiety and this that, and
Speaker 4: the third when it was really just untreated ADHD. So
Speaker 4: it was like kind of like the same symptoms but
Speaker 4: just in different ways. So even with our house, trying
Speaker 4: to complete our house and design our house, I would
Speaker 4: start tasks like start wall papering and then do one
Speaker 4: room and then not finish the other room. But it
Speaker 4: was just because I got bored because I had already
Speaker 4: started that, So then I would just start another task
Speaker 4: in the house. So there it was like a whole
Speaker 4: bunch of different tasks that weren't completed. So then me
Speaker 4: finding out that I have ADHD, I figured out why
Speaker 4: I wasn't completing the task. I was getting bored quickly,
Speaker 4: so I'd moved onto something else. So now I just
Speaker 4: make a list and now all the things are completed.
Speaker 3: So it works.
Speaker 1: Now, are you on medication for ADHD?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: Oh you're not.
Speaker 5: No, I'm not on medication.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, So you can combat ADHD without taking.
Speaker 5: Yes, yes you can. You don't have to be on medication.
Speaker 4: How well, that's just what works for me and what
Speaker 4: my psychologists and what my therapist felt was best for me,
Speaker 4: that I didn't need to be medicated.
Speaker 5: I'm not saying all.
Speaker 3: The follow them like workarounds.
Speaker 2: You're like some people are able to develop work around
Speaker 2: So what she'll do is just like implement systems around
Speaker 2: the house that structure her where the structure doesn't exist,
Speaker 2: which is why I have to clean up after stam
Speaker 2: where I don't see my mess, but I see her
Speaker 2: mess because I have to clean it up because I
Speaker 2: know the ill pal up if I don't get it
Speaker 2: out the way right.
Speaker 1: Have you noticed a big difference between.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she finishes things like before there would just be
Speaker 2: like you know, wallpaper just hanging off different.
Speaker 3: Walls all over the house.
Speaker 2: And then I'll know in my heart, like by the
Speaker 2: time she gets back to this room, she gonna want
Speaker 2: it to be a whole nother wallpaper because she don't dalied,
Speaker 2: so like constantly, we weren't having a complete experience. It
Speaker 2: was just like everything's going to change, which is wild
Speaker 2: for me because I grew up fucked up, so I
Speaker 2: like consistency because.
Speaker 3: I did not have consistency.
Speaker 2: So like the constant change for me was like basically
Speaker 2: like sowing the feeling of instability, Like I don't even
Speaker 2: have a place because everything just changes. And then my
Speaker 2: stuff usually is in his closet and I was happy there,
Speaker 2: and now I'm in a closet up in the third floor,
Speaker 2: so it's like damn, so now I get used to that.
Speaker 2: Now I'm in a closet downstairs, So I'm like, is
Speaker 2: this really my house? Or do I just get put
Speaker 2: wherever I get put? And I'm not allowed to get
Speaker 2: acclimated with anything. And like I was taking that so personally,
Speaker 2: but I had to realize, like it's not even nothing
Speaker 2: to do with me, Like she's just.
Speaker 1: Well, that's what my Jenny and Jason, who are doing
Speaker 1: this too. Jenny said something which I thought was very profound.
Speaker 1: She was saying, like whatever your partner is upset about
Speaker 1: usually has nothing to do with you, like, even when
Speaker 1: they think it's about you, it's really not. And that's
Speaker 1: something important to remember because it's so fucking true. The
Speaker 1: whole reason we have any discord is because people take
Speaker 1: things personally. Yeah, And if everyone was like, yeah, whatever,
Speaker 1: he's in a bad man, he's a fucking asshole, Fine,
Speaker 1: who cares? Like everyone would just be kind of gliding
Speaker 1: around a little more easily.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because it's super not personal, and you know it
Speaker 2: isn't personal. And that's why I think it's important to
Speaker 2: like tell your person like your trauma, because the truth
Speaker 2: is you're not gonna get rid of it. Like I'm
Speaker 2: not ever gonna just be over this shit that happened
Speaker 2: to me when I was younger.
Speaker 3: But if I could tell you, like, hey, the.
Speaker 2: Reason I react like this over socks isn't like just
Speaker 2: because I'm crazy over socks. It's like some fuzz shapp
Speaker 2: to me, YadA. So when you do that it makes
Speaker 2: me feel like that. It literally puts me right back
Speaker 2: in that mental space and then I become reactionary from
Speaker 2: that place and that's why it's coming off irrational.
Speaker 5: But she also is crazy over socks.
Speaker 1: Let's speak, it sounds like it but that does sound
Speaker 1: like a deeper issue.
Speaker 2: You're wild and reckless over socks. Mismatch them, any socks.
Speaker 2: You don't care if this socks match. You don't care
Speaker 2: about that. You don't care. Don't put a medium like
Speaker 2: link sock with a low sack, so it's nuts.
Speaker 3: I'm not don't. We don't wait to handle socks.
Speaker 1: We don't have time for this bullshit. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: sit here and talk about socks. We're gonna wrap it
Speaker 1: up and thank you, yah yah and Sam. Yeah yeah.
Speaker 1: I still think you need your own podcasts. Are you
Speaker 1: ready to do something like I am?
Speaker 5: I think I am brady, And what would.
Speaker 1: You do it about? Let's brainstorm.
Speaker 5: I don't know, let's think about it.
Speaker 1: I think maybe you should be giving advice to people too.
Speaker 3: So maybe okay, I'm down.
Speaker 1: I mean I feel like we need to think about
Speaker 1: it in brainstorm.
Speaker 4: Like you know what I was doing counseling when I
Speaker 4: had a salon, so it's kind of like the same.
Speaker 1: Well, that is fucking counseling. That's also why I don't
Speaker 1: go to a salon because I don't want to fucking
Speaker 1: have to talk to somebody in a hair salon. Okay,
Speaker 1: we'll be introducing a new set of set of triplets
Speaker 1: next week. You can check out Sam Jay who is
Speaker 1: on tour now in cities all over the country and
Speaker 1: she's fucking funny. If you haven't seen her on The
Speaker 1: Roast or on her own special, then go watch both
Speaker 1: of those her specials on HBO Max now known as Max.
Speaker 1: And then you can follow Yaya at Vanity dot Vixen
Speaker 1: on Instagram and TikTok and it is worth the follow
Speaker 1: because she's up to some well shenanigans. I mean, you'll
Speaker 1: understand what I'm talking about.