1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:04,160 Speaker 1: Welcome to couples Counseling with Chelsea hand job. I'm here 2 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:06,840 Speaker 1: with my friends Yah Yah and Sam and we're back 3 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,119 Speaker 1: with Sam and ya Ya for a couples counseling. So 4 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:10,640 Speaker 1: I have to pick again you guys. 5 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:15,440 Speaker 2: I yes, yeah, No me and a mean or we're 6 00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:19,079 Speaker 2: talking about that because she was just like, yeah, you know, 7 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,279 Speaker 2: like you're mean, and I was like, when have I 8 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 2: ever been mean to? She's like, well, you know you're 9 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:27,200 Speaker 2: coming room and it's like you don't know what you're on. 10 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:29,720 Speaker 2: You might just come room and say what up and 11 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,800 Speaker 2: just keep it moving. I'm like, so I'm not in 12 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:33,840 Speaker 2: the move to do more than that that day. I'm 13 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:36,200 Speaker 2: here to do my job. Sometimes you know what I'm saying, 14 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,159 Speaker 2: and it's just like, good to see you, but I'm 15 00:00:38,159 --> 00:00:41,000 Speaker 2: in my own those lunch won't do my little one Tuesy. 16 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,800 Speaker 2: I'm tired of whatever. I'm out, but I say it up. 17 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:45,919 Speaker 2: It's like, I'm like, why do niggas need that? 18 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 3: What do you? What do you? 19 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,760 Speaker 4: I think it may be because y'all are entertainment too, 20 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,560 Speaker 4: that people just expect you to always be on. I 21 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,240 Speaker 4: can't speak for you, but I know for me because 22 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:56,080 Speaker 4: I'm always like, that's what I always expect me to 23 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:57,240 Speaker 4: be on so I'm. 24 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,600 Speaker 5: Not like you said, And it's like I feel that way. 25 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,320 Speaker 2: I feel like a lot of times when we're running 26 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,520 Speaker 2: to other people are like, aren't you supposed to be 27 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,440 Speaker 2: the comment? Aren't you supposed to be the one that's 28 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:08,200 Speaker 2: like jove y'all and trying to make me laugh and try, 29 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:11,440 Speaker 2: and my lack of interest in doing that makes them 30 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:14,759 Speaker 2: think that I'm like a bitch, and it's like, no, 31 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:16,600 Speaker 2: I'm just why. 32 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:17,600 Speaker 3: Do I need to do that? 33 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:21,760 Speaker 5: I don't know, girl, Thanks boy, I don't know, but 34 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,760 Speaker 5: you need to make me laugh on the second. 35 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,679 Speaker 3: I do make you laugh all the time. 36 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:27,080 Speaker 5: I laugh right now. 37 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,760 Speaker 3: You're actually my favorite person's entertained. 38 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,440 Speaker 5: Okay, well go ahead, Bojangles. Do you think. 39 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 3: That's when I'm happiest. 40 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:39,680 Speaker 2: When I'm in the house alone and your cackling your 41 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 2: ass off, I feel the funniest. 42 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,120 Speaker 3: So, I don't know. I've always liked me being silly 43 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:44,400 Speaker 3: for you. 44 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:45,959 Speaker 5: I like it when you're silly for me. 45 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:47,600 Speaker 3: I always enjoy I like being. 46 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,240 Speaker 1: Silly bonding while I'm gone while the counselors at the 47 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:50,520 Speaker 1: back in. 48 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 5: The bathroom, we do better without you. 49 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:58,360 Speaker 1: I know, I'm most couple of Thank you guys for 50 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,960 Speaker 1: being so open and sharing so much. I think our 51 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,000 Speaker 1: listeners are really going to enjoy it. By the way, 52 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,360 Speaker 1: thank you for my slides, my Louis Vaton slides that 53 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:08,120 Speaker 1: I called Wiki or Fendi or whatever. I want you 54 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:10,280 Speaker 1: to know that I wear those whenever I get a 55 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,920 Speaker 1: pedicure and around my house, and I got and every 56 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,720 Speaker 1: time someone sees me and these Louis Vaton slides, they're like, 57 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,040 Speaker 1: are you fucking wearing Louis Vaton slides? They're like, Chelsea, 58 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,120 Speaker 1: that couldn't be less you. I'm like, I fucking love 59 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:23,480 Speaker 1: these slides. And then I left them in LA and 60 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:26,080 Speaker 1: realized yesterday I didn't have them in my suitcase, so 61 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,640 Speaker 1: they sent them and I got them today, she takes 62 00:02:29,639 --> 00:02:32,960 Speaker 1: to Mayorca. Yeah, I fucking love them. That's good. 63 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:33,840 Speaker 5: I'm glad. 64 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:35,440 Speaker 1: And I still have the video of you walking in 65 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:38,839 Speaker 1: with the DHL box at the dinner. Okay, let's talk 66 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:42,400 Speaker 1: speaking of Louis Vaton, let's talk who's in charge of 67 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:45,200 Speaker 1: the finances and who spends the most money. 68 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:48,880 Speaker 4: Now you already know Sam is in charge of the finances. 69 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,280 Speaker 1: In charge or does she make the money and then 70 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:51,600 Speaker 1: you oversee the money? 71 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:53,360 Speaker 5: No, I do not oversee the money. 72 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,600 Speaker 4: Sam has a business manager who oversees the money. 73 00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:58,799 Speaker 1: And how does that work for. 74 00:02:58,760 --> 00:02:59,119 Speaker 5: You, Joe? 75 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,080 Speaker 2: So I also I also oversee the money. I'd just 76 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:03,040 Speaker 2: like to put that out there. 77 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:04,160 Speaker 3: Well, yeah, I'm not saying that. 78 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,799 Speaker 2: I'm not saying that I'm also overseeing the money. 79 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 3: I'm not just letting this guy. 80 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,560 Speaker 1: Unlike me, who's not overseeing any of my money. I 81 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,480 Speaker 1: don't know what the fuck is going on. I'm just like, 82 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,200 Speaker 1: tell me when I need to work and when I 83 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 1: cannot work. Okay, So is it an area of discord 84 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:27,519 Speaker 1: between you two? Absolutely, yes it is. What is it? 85 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:29,240 Speaker 5: I mean, it's not for me. 86 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:30,840 Speaker 3: I would say, we. 87 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,000 Speaker 2: Just had a whole therapy session about it. So I 88 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 2: think it's a thing, Okay. I think it's fair to 89 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 2: say the thing for you, Okay. 90 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:39,200 Speaker 3: Not for me. 91 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,160 Speaker 1: Tell us what you're saying. 92 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:42,840 Speaker 3: I'm saying. I think it is. 93 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:46,200 Speaker 2: There is a power imbalance that plays out, and I 94 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:50,440 Speaker 2: think it mostly stems from the fact that I am 95 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 2: the sole provider financially, and I think that power in 96 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:54,320 Speaker 2: balance bothers you as well. 97 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:55,280 Speaker 3: Sometimes. 98 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:56,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, so I can say, I think it is an 99 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,920 Speaker 2: issue for both of us. I think it's an issue. 100 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,720 Speaker 5: It's not like a come all, be all think to me. 101 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,560 Speaker 4: But I think it is different because we first met, 102 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,200 Speaker 4: I had the money and Sam did not, and I 103 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,320 Speaker 4: was the business owner. And then when we got back 104 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,640 Speaker 4: together this last round, I saw, like I don't have 105 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 4: I sold my business, so I'm totally dependent on Sam. 106 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,600 Speaker 5: So the dynamics are totally different. 107 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, that must be strange, but I mean. 108 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 2: The dynamics are also totally They're just totally different, right, 109 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,080 Speaker 2: Like because at the time when we first met, I 110 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:26,320 Speaker 2: wasn't living with you. 111 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,400 Speaker 3: You weren't living with me. 112 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,600 Speaker 2: You just made more money than me, and like I 113 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,400 Speaker 2: was too broke to take you on dates, so we 114 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,200 Speaker 2: would just hang out and fucking your house and like 115 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,080 Speaker 2: that was the extent to which we dealt with money. 116 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,160 Speaker 2: Whereas now we're like living together, paying bills together. That's 117 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:43,480 Speaker 2: like a whole nother you know, cares different. 118 00:04:44,279 --> 00:04:46,680 Speaker 1: And do you give her an allowance? Do you have something? 119 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:47,480 Speaker 5: I'm on payroll? 120 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 4: Girl, I worked for my allowance, but you're not gonna. 121 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:50,279 Speaker 2: Do with. 122 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,120 Speaker 1: Isn't that a sex worker? 123 00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:58,000 Speaker 5: I said that. 124 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,520 Speaker 4: I said that, but I said, I wor for it. 125 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,320 Speaker 4: You don't I do. You're lying I do only. 126 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,320 Speaker 3: Reason you're on payrolls for taxes and you know it. 127 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:07,120 Speaker 3: You don't for I don't. 128 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:08,159 Speaker 5: I don't support you. 129 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:10,680 Speaker 1: I don't cook, I don't clean. You don't cook or 130 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:13,720 Speaker 1: clean or anything it. Oh I thought yeah I was 131 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,240 Speaker 1: a good house. Well, bitch, I thought you said I 132 00:05:17,279 --> 00:05:17,800 Speaker 1: don't cook. 133 00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:18,160 Speaker 3: I don't. 134 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,360 Speaker 5: I'm saying no, I'm asking her like I don't. 135 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:21,760 Speaker 1: I'm I do. 136 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,440 Speaker 5: I work for my allowance. 137 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:24,960 Speaker 3: That's working for you. 138 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:26,479 Speaker 5: Yes, I work hard. 139 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 3: Yeah? 140 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:28,599 Speaker 1: Are you cooking and cleaning? 141 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:30,560 Speaker 3: That's just like taking care of those. 142 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's what that's what she lives there. I know. 143 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,920 Speaker 3: But you can't like if I clean my own room, 144 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:37,800 Speaker 3: I worked. 145 00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:40,359 Speaker 1: Well, then go ahead and do it. Go clean. 146 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:45,239 Speaker 3: We also have made so well, So come. 147 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,000 Speaker 1: On, man, anything, how many do you have? 148 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,360 Speaker 2: Well, they just come clean once to like once af 149 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:52,599 Speaker 2: Now don't really, it's once every two weeks. 150 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:55,520 Speaker 1: She bumped it up. She had to bump it up. 151 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,680 Speaker 1: She's like, listen, I'm getting sick of this cleaning. 152 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,160 Speaker 2: I don't think cleaning your own house and cooking food 153 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,360 Speaker 2: in your own house is work. 154 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,679 Speaker 3: I'm sorry. I just don't. 155 00:06:06,839 --> 00:06:08,040 Speaker 5: All right, I beg to differ. 156 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:11,080 Speaker 3: But that's not work. You're not working. You're like maintaining 157 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:11,680 Speaker 3: where you live. 158 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,520 Speaker 4: I'm maintaining our life where we live. 159 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 3: That's not working. That is work. 160 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,280 Speaker 1: You're making your house nice and cozy and comfy so 161 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:20,960 Speaker 1: you can come home. 162 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,679 Speaker 3: And that's not like working. 163 00:06:22,839 --> 00:06:23,400 Speaker 5: That is work. 164 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:24,200 Speaker 3: That's maintaining. 165 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:28,440 Speaker 4: Minimizing. That's you know, you're minimizing the whole segment of people. 166 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,599 Speaker 4: What about the moms of the world that are home 167 00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:32,680 Speaker 4: and and doing stuff. 168 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:33,679 Speaker 5: That's that's work. 169 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,240 Speaker 4: You're not a mom. We have no chance I have. 170 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:37,960 Speaker 4: You have a cat, I have to take care of. 171 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,800 Speaker 4: Your cats are gone. It's just what that's your friend, 172 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,400 Speaker 4: That's what I'm saying. You're just hanging out with your friend. 173 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:46,640 Speaker 4: You like that's your child, Like fancy. 174 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,120 Speaker 2: You like hanging out him. You don't go to bed 175 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:49,400 Speaker 2: without calling him and making him come. 176 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:50,359 Speaker 5: But that's your cat. 177 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:51,600 Speaker 3: No, that's our cat. 178 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,599 Speaker 2: You rock with him, yes, but I'm so so hanging 179 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:57,840 Speaker 2: out with your cat is not You can't babysit your 180 00:06:57,839 --> 00:06:58,279 Speaker 2: own kid. 181 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,839 Speaker 3: I'm saying is like you know what I'm saying. 182 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,640 Speaker 2: All I'm saying is that' don't minimize what I do 183 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,839 Speaker 2: I work on I'm not minimizing it. I think what 184 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 2: you do is absolutely amazing and I really appreciate how 185 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 2: it contributes to our hushold in our life. 186 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,040 Speaker 3: And I'm not minimizing. 187 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 2: I'm just saying it's not work, you're just maintaining your life. 188 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:21,280 Speaker 1: It's an interesting debate. I'm sure I really can't weigh 189 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,760 Speaker 1: in because I don't have a spouse or a child, 190 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,760 Speaker 1: and I don't do anything for myself, so I can't 191 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 1: really weigh in on this. I think it would be nice, 192 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 1: since we're closing our sessions together to hear your advice 193 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:47,160 Speaker 1: for people who are getting into relationships. What you think 194 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,920 Speaker 1: it takes to maintain a long term healthy relationship, Like 195 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 1: what is the most important ingredient. 196 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:57,120 Speaker 4: I would say the most important ingredient is communication and 197 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 4: being vulnerable with your partner, because you have to expose 198 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:03,200 Speaker 4: yourself and it's hard to do that long term because 199 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,160 Speaker 4: when you first meet somebody or your first dating, y'all 200 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:09,120 Speaker 4: aren't really being your authentic selves. You're being a version 201 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:10,960 Speaker 4: of the person that you think that they want. And 202 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 4: then once you get to know the person and your 203 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:17,280 Speaker 4: your most authentic self, you have to let all all 204 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:19,840 Speaker 4: the shit go that you came with, all the baggage. 205 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:23,240 Speaker 4: You got to let that go and just be there 206 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,280 Speaker 4: for your partner and communicate to your part what I'm 207 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:29,680 Speaker 4: trying to think, Like, no, you're saying right, I mean, 208 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:31,119 Speaker 4: you're saying so dope. 209 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,200 Speaker 3: Well you just like just be your bitch. 210 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:34,640 Speaker 1: Yacause that's what it is. 211 00:08:34,679 --> 00:08:37,080 Speaker 4: You have to communicate and you have to let all 212 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:38,960 Speaker 4: the other shit go. You can't bring in all the 213 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,600 Speaker 4: stuff that you went through in your life, because everybody 214 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:45,040 Speaker 4: has traumas and experiences that they bring into a relationship. 215 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,320 Speaker 4: But if you want to have a healthy relationship, you 216 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,959 Speaker 4: have to get to the root of all of your 217 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,079 Speaker 4: traumas and all the things that fucked you up as 218 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 4: a person. So you don't bring that into relationship. You 219 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:55,680 Speaker 4: can just be the best version of yourself for that person. 220 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:57,560 Speaker 1: And do you think you can get rid of that 221 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,840 Speaker 1: and your trauma without therapy? 222 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:03,640 Speaker 4: Absolutely not. I know I couldn't, So I can't. I couldn't, 223 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:04,959 Speaker 4: So I can't speak for anybody else. 224 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,640 Speaker 5: I know I could. What about you? 225 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:10,800 Speaker 2: No, there was definitely voices could I wouldn't have gotten 226 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,760 Speaker 2: too without therapy, And I think I do a lot 227 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,520 Speaker 2: of my own work really well. Like I'm one of 228 00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:19,400 Speaker 2: those people who maybe three years ago would have been 229 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 2: like you only therapy, spending the time with yourself, you 230 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:26,400 Speaker 2: digging deep enough, you could probably you know, excavate most 231 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:30,920 Speaker 2: of this shit because I've done it. But once I 232 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,080 Speaker 2: did do therapy because of what we were going to 233 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:34,760 Speaker 2: do in our relationship, I don't think I ever would win. 234 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,640 Speaker 2: Otherwise I never would have went for myself. But you 235 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,160 Speaker 2: saying like, we have to go if we're gonna keep 236 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,280 Speaker 2: doing this was the only reason I even ended up there. 237 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:46,160 Speaker 2: But once I was there, I have to say things 238 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,240 Speaker 2: that I landed on with my brother and all that 239 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:52,160 Speaker 2: I would have never it. Never, I never would have 240 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,320 Speaker 2: went there. I don't think my brain would have allowed 241 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:56,080 Speaker 2: me to go there. 242 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 1: So yeah, and what do you think the most important 243 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:04,079 Speaker 1: thing to have a long sustainable relationship is patience? 244 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:05,760 Speaker 3: Patience? 245 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,000 Speaker 2: If you just patience, It's like, if you're gonna really 246 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:12,560 Speaker 2: be with someone, then you have to accept you're gonna 247 00:10:12,559 --> 00:10:16,280 Speaker 2: be multiple versions of them in that time span. Who 248 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 2: they are when you first get together is not who 249 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,960 Speaker 2: they're gonna be later. They're gonna go through things, they're 250 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,760 Speaker 2: gonna change as a results of the things that they 251 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,920 Speaker 2: go through, they're gonna need different things, And it's like 252 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:32,599 Speaker 2: giving people space to change. 253 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:36,280 Speaker 1: Like a chance to change or space to change. 254 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:39,679 Speaker 2: Space Like if you're really gonna be with someone forever 255 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,960 Speaker 2: and say they hit a slump, say they hit a depression, 256 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:45,840 Speaker 2: say something happens in their life, and now you're with somebody, 257 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,880 Speaker 2: and it's like that ain't who you started out with, 258 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:51,520 Speaker 2: and this might not even be a person that you 259 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:55,520 Speaker 2: like that much. If you're gonna be with them, it's 260 00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:58,280 Speaker 2: supporting them and being patient too that so that they 261 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:02,320 Speaker 2: can get to the person that's on the other side 262 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:03,719 Speaker 2: of whatever that is. 263 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,439 Speaker 3: And that's like giving them space. 264 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,760 Speaker 2: It's like not requiring them to hurry up and figure 265 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,960 Speaker 2: it out, not requiring them to just go back to 266 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:15,520 Speaker 2: what they were, not requiring them to tell you what 267 00:11:15,559 --> 00:11:17,480 Speaker 2: the fuck is wrong, because maybe they don't even all 268 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:20,760 Speaker 2: the way know, but just like allowing them the space 269 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,560 Speaker 2: and being supportive, and sometimes you have to do that 270 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:28,520 Speaker 2: shit from a distance to get there whatever it is 271 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,280 Speaker 2: that they're getting, you know, which might be a whole 272 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,720 Speaker 2: other person most likely than the person they were before 273 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,280 Speaker 2: or the person they are in the shit and then 274 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,280 Speaker 2: it's like patients with that. 275 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, because sometimes people can change so drastically within a 276 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:44,080 Speaker 1: relationship that they're not even recognizable to as the person 277 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,640 Speaker 1: that they were in the beginning. And in that case, 278 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,960 Speaker 1: there could be an argument for like, when you're not 279 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:53,079 Speaker 1: even the same person, it's not like you're there's this evolution, 280 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:56,079 Speaker 1: it's you're a completely different person. Absolutely, you know, because 281 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,440 Speaker 1: of whatever circumstances. 282 00:11:57,679 --> 00:11:59,960 Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, And what do you. 283 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,760 Speaker 1: Think, y'all? Y'all like if you had to name something 284 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:09,040 Speaker 1: that you've learned through your relationship about yourself, the most 285 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,120 Speaker 1: powerful thing you've learned about yourself to adjust your own behavior, 286 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,199 Speaker 1: or something that you didn't know you had. 287 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:15,320 Speaker 3: What is that? 288 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:17,839 Speaker 5: ADHD? 289 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:22,360 Speaker 4: I'm so serious ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD. I 290 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,840 Speaker 4: think that was the most transformative thing for me in 291 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,760 Speaker 4: this relationship. And if she didn't like, I would see 292 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:29,920 Speaker 4: things and be like, oh, I think I got that shit, 293 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:34,400 Speaker 4: and she'd be like nah, no, maybe, But when she'd 294 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:38,480 Speaker 4: hit the fan, her saying hey, I think you may 295 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,920 Speaker 4: you may really have that. You may want to go 296 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,240 Speaker 4: talk to someone, and me going to see well, talking 297 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,640 Speaker 4: to my therapists and then seeing a psychologist and getting 298 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:51,040 Speaker 4: clinically diagnosed with ADHD. I think was the biggest game 299 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,280 Speaker 4: changer for me because it made me see why I 300 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,160 Speaker 4: was doing things, how I was doing things why, Like 301 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,400 Speaker 4: it just everything aligned once I understood that, because I 302 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:00,800 Speaker 4: understood my more. 303 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,600 Speaker 1: And what were the things that you were able to 304 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,840 Speaker 1: identify that you were doing as a result of having 305 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,720 Speaker 1: an undiagnosed ADHD. 306 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,880 Speaker 4: Well they were first they were misdiagnosed me saying that 307 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:12,240 Speaker 4: it was a depression or anxiety and this that, and 308 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,680 Speaker 4: the third when it was really just untreated ADHD. So 309 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,520 Speaker 4: it was like kind of like the same symptoms but 310 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,840 Speaker 4: just in different ways. So even with our house, trying 311 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,280 Speaker 4: to complete our house and design our house, I would 312 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:26,600 Speaker 4: start tasks like start wall papering and then do one 313 00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:28,920 Speaker 4: room and then not finish the other room. But it 314 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,200 Speaker 4: was just because I got bored because I had already 315 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,319 Speaker 4: started that, So then I would just start another task 316 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:34,920 Speaker 4: in the house. So there it was like a whole 317 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,760 Speaker 4: bunch of different tasks that weren't completed. So then me 318 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:41,280 Speaker 4: finding out that I have ADHD, I figured out why 319 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,600 Speaker 4: I wasn't completing the task. I was getting bored quickly, 320 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 4: so I'd moved onto something else. So now I just 321 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,560 Speaker 4: make a list and now all the things are completed. 322 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:49,800 Speaker 3: So it works. 323 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:51,680 Speaker 1: Now, are you on medication for ADHD? 324 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 3: No? 325 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:52,600 Speaker 1: Oh you're not. 326 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:53,760 Speaker 5: No, I'm not on medication. 327 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:57,680 Speaker 1: Oh okay, So you can combat ADHD without taking. 328 00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:59,920 Speaker 5: Yes, yes you can. You don't have to be on medication. 329 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,400 Speaker 4: How well, that's just what works for me and what 330 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,920 Speaker 4: my psychologists and what my therapist felt was best for me, 331 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,280 Speaker 4: that I didn't need to be medicated. 332 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:09,000 Speaker 5: I'm not saying all. 333 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,880 Speaker 3: The follow them like workarounds. 334 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,600 Speaker 2: You're like some people are able to develop work around 335 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:17,120 Speaker 2: So what she'll do is just like implement systems around 336 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:21,480 Speaker 2: the house that structure her where the structure doesn't exist, 337 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,040 Speaker 2: which is why I have to clean up after stam 338 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,400 Speaker 2: where I don't see my mess, but I see her 339 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,800 Speaker 2: mess because I have to clean it up because I 340 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,760 Speaker 2: know the ill pal up if I don't get it 341 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:32,000 Speaker 2: out the way right. 342 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,600 Speaker 1: Have you noticed a big difference between. 343 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, she finishes things like before there would just be 344 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:41,120 Speaker 2: like you know, wallpaper just hanging off different. 345 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:41,840 Speaker 3: Walls all over the house. 346 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,800 Speaker 2: And then I'll know in my heart, like by the 347 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,520 Speaker 2: time she gets back to this room, she gonna want 348 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,120 Speaker 2: it to be a whole nother wallpaper because she don't dalied, 349 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:53,600 Speaker 2: so like constantly, we weren't having a complete experience. It 350 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:56,920 Speaker 2: was just like everything's going to change, which is wild 351 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,520 Speaker 2: for me because I grew up fucked up, so I 352 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,680 Speaker 2: like consistency because. 353 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:03,800 Speaker 3: I did not have consistency. 354 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:08,560 Speaker 2: So like the constant change for me was like basically 355 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,840 Speaker 2: like sowing the feeling of instability, Like I don't even 356 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,840 Speaker 2: have a place because everything just changes. And then my 357 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,240 Speaker 2: stuff usually is in his closet and I was happy there, 358 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:20,000 Speaker 2: and now I'm in a closet up in the third floor, 359 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,560 Speaker 2: so it's like damn, so now I get used to that. 360 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,520 Speaker 2: Now I'm in a closet downstairs, So I'm like, is 361 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,640 Speaker 2: this really my house? Or do I just get put 362 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 2: wherever I get put? And I'm not allowed to get 363 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:32,400 Speaker 2: acclimated with anything. And like I was taking that so personally, 364 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,040 Speaker 2: but I had to realize, like it's not even nothing 365 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:35,760 Speaker 2: to do with me, Like she's just. 366 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,960 Speaker 1: Well, that's what my Jenny and Jason, who are doing 367 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,560 Speaker 1: this too. Jenny said something which I thought was very profound. 368 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:47,000 Speaker 1: She was saying, like whatever your partner is upset about 369 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:51,000 Speaker 1: usually has nothing to do with you, like, even when 370 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:53,920 Speaker 1: they think it's about you, it's really not. And that's 371 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,240 Speaker 1: something important to remember because it's so fucking true. The 372 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,920 Speaker 1: whole reason we have any discord is because people take 373 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:03,000 Speaker 1: things personally. Yeah, And if everyone was like, yeah, whatever, 374 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,360 Speaker 1: he's in a bad man, he's a fucking asshole, Fine, 375 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,120 Speaker 1: who cares? Like everyone would just be kind of gliding 376 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,360 Speaker 1: around a little more easily. 377 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, because it's super not personal, and you know it 378 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,920 Speaker 2: isn't personal. And that's why I think it's important to 379 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,480 Speaker 2: like tell your person like your trauma, because the truth 380 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,240 Speaker 2: is you're not gonna get rid of it. Like I'm 381 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,240 Speaker 2: not ever gonna just be over this shit that happened 382 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:23,760 Speaker 2: to me when I was younger. 383 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,960 Speaker 3: But if I could tell you, like, hey, the. 384 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,760 Speaker 2: Reason I react like this over socks isn't like just 385 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:32,320 Speaker 2: because I'm crazy over socks. It's like some fuzz shapp 386 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:35,160 Speaker 2: to me, YadA. So when you do that it makes 387 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,440 Speaker 2: me feel like that. It literally puts me right back 388 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,640 Speaker 2: in that mental space and then I become reactionary from 389 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 2: that place and that's why it's coming off irrational. 390 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:48,720 Speaker 5: But she also is crazy over socks. 391 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,880 Speaker 1: Let's speak, it sounds like it but that does sound 392 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,040 Speaker 1: like a deeper issue. 393 00:16:53,280 --> 00:17:00,680 Speaker 2: You're wild and reckless over socks. Mismatch them, any socks. 394 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,400 Speaker 2: You don't care if this socks match. You don't care 395 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,480 Speaker 2: about that. You don't care. Don't put a medium like 396 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:09,679 Speaker 2: link sock with a low sack, so it's nuts. 397 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,480 Speaker 3: I'm not don't. We don't wait to handle socks. 398 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,800 Speaker 1: We don't have time for this bullshit. I'm not gonna 399 00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:17,520 Speaker 1: sit here and talk about socks. We're gonna wrap it 400 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,520 Speaker 1: up and thank you, yah yah and Sam. Yeah yeah. 401 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,320 Speaker 1: I still think you need your own podcasts. Are you 402 00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:23,880 Speaker 1: ready to do something like I am? 403 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,680 Speaker 5: I think I am brady, And what would. 404 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,440 Speaker 1: You do it about? Let's brainstorm. 405 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:28,560 Speaker 5: I don't know, let's think about it. 406 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,160 Speaker 1: I think maybe you should be giving advice to people too. 407 00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:33,359 Speaker 3: So maybe okay, I'm down. 408 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,200 Speaker 1: I mean I feel like we need to think about 409 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:35,879 Speaker 1: it in brainstorm. 410 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:37,600 Speaker 4: Like you know what I was doing counseling when I 411 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,040 Speaker 4: had a salon, so it's kind of like the same. 412 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,760 Speaker 1: Well, that is fucking counseling. That's also why I don't 413 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,679 Speaker 1: go to a salon because I don't want to fucking 414 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,639 Speaker 1: have to talk to somebody in a hair salon. Okay, 415 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,400 Speaker 1: we'll be introducing a new set of set of triplets 416 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:53,320 Speaker 1: next week. You can check out Sam Jay who is 417 00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:55,800 Speaker 1: on tour now in cities all over the country and 418 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,399 Speaker 1: she's fucking funny. If you haven't seen her on The 419 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,120 Speaker 1: Roast or on her own special, then go watch both 420 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:04,640 Speaker 1: of those her specials on HBO Max now known as Max. 421 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:07,880 Speaker 1: And then you can follow Yaya at Vanity dot Vixen 422 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:11,400 Speaker 1: on Instagram and TikTok and it is worth the follow 423 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:14,960 Speaker 1: because she's up to some well shenanigans. I mean, you'll 424 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,280 Speaker 1: understand what I'm talking about.