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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat and you are

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Speaker 1: listening to couch Talks today. Couch Talks is the special

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Speaker 1: bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I answer questions

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Speaker 1: that you guys send to me and you can send

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Speaker 1: those to Katherine at podcast dot com. Quick reminder up

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Speaker 1: top that although I'm a therapist, and although I'm answering

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Speaker 1: some questions that you guys send in, this podcast can't

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Speaker 1: and does not try to serve as a replacement or

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Speaker 1: substitute for actual therapy or mental health services, but it

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Speaker 1: can still be helpful. So I'm actually recording this at

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Speaker 1: the end of my workday, right before I go home

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Speaker 1: and start moving into my new house. I actually started

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Speaker 1: moving in yesterday. I brought a couple of car loads

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Speaker 1: of stuff over. But I'm going to continue today and

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Speaker 1: hopefully finish it tomorrow, maybe while you guys are listening

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Speaker 1: to this. And there's not much that stresses and causes

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Speaker 1: me anxiety quite like moving, just like the idea of

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Speaker 1: getting the stuff there and then figuring out where it goes.

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Speaker 1: I'm a really bad organizer. I don't enjoy it, and

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Speaker 1: I like when things look good, and I care and

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Speaker 1: have preference about what things look like, but I'm not

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Speaker 1: a great decorator, and picking out where things go and

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Speaker 1: how to do this and how to do that, it's

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Speaker 1: just so overwhelming to me. So there are people that

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Speaker 1: get joy out of that. I am not one of you.

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Speaker 1: And if you want to come hang out with me,

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Speaker 1: I would love that because the next week is going

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Speaker 1: to be literally me trying to figure all that out. However,

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Speaker 1: I am very grateful to be able to do this

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Speaker 1: because I don't know how much I've talked about it

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Speaker 1: on here, but if you do know me, I've been

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Speaker 1: like in this weird limbo for a couple months, like

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Speaker 1: not knowing when I'm gonna move or how or what

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Speaker 1: or all the things, and finally it's happening. Also, my

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Speaker 1: dad's company built my house, and obviously I'm partial because

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Speaker 1: it's my dad's company, But if you live in Nashville

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Speaker 1: or Franklin or in the surrounding areas and you're looking

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Speaker 1: to buy a new house, look up de Fada Custom

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Speaker 1: Homes because his houses are like beautiful, immaculate. I never

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Speaker 1: realized how much went into building a house until I'm

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Speaker 1: like walking in here and I'm like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: somebody had to pick out the flooring, the tile, the

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Speaker 1: what are the handles and the knobs of all of

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Speaker 1: the kitchen stuff. The paint colors for this, the paint

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Speaker 1: colors for that, like the siding, the roofing, the color

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Speaker 1: of the cement, the color of the porch paint. Like

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Speaker 1: there are so many things that I'm like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: me I would just like choose my favorite one of

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Speaker 1: all those things, and then none of them would match.

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Speaker 1: So I'm learning, like, actually, how much of a skill

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Speaker 1: that is. And it gave me just a new perspective

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Speaker 1: on what my both my brother and my dad do

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Speaker 1: for a living. I knew what they did. I knew

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Speaker 1: they build houses, but now I know, like what goes

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Speaker 1: into it, even behind the scenes, and like the contracts

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Speaker 1: in this and the calling this person and checking in

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Speaker 1: on this. There's so much detail and skill. And I

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Speaker 1: have a new perspective and I really like that, which

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Speaker 1: my dad tells me, or he has in the past

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Speaker 1: told me plenty of times how smart he thinks I am,

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Speaker 1: and how he's like, I don't know how you got

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Speaker 1: this way, because you didn't get it from me, and

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Speaker 1: I think that's kind of funny because from his perspective,

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Speaker 1: I'm really not knowledgeable about what I do because he

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Speaker 1: doesn't know anything about just like mental health, therapy, psychology. However,

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Speaker 1: there are so many things that make no sense to

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Speaker 1: me outside of that realm. I am like really educated

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Speaker 1: on a like niche area, and I think that that

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Speaker 1: can apply to all of us. Right, So in what

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Speaker 1: we do we are we become experts in that, and

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Speaker 1: we can be geniuses in our own right in those things.

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Speaker 1: And we don't have to know everything about everything to

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Speaker 1: be smart, or there isn't just one way to be smart,

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Speaker 1: Like there's a lot of ways to be smart. And

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Speaker 1: I just wanted to send that and say that because

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Speaker 1: I think that's an encouragement to a lot of people

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Speaker 1: of like, oh, I just do this, but I couldn't

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Speaker 1: do your job, or it would take me a really

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Speaker 1: long time to figure out how to do your job.

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Speaker 1: And who knows if I would have started in the

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Speaker 1: home building business, I might be able to do their job.

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Speaker 1: But there is so much in that that makes no

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Speaker 1: sense that I'm like, wow, I never would have thought

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Speaker 1: about that. Just like when somebody listens to my podcast

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Speaker 1: might think, wow, I never thought about that, But it's

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Speaker 1: because this is what I do all day and you

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Speaker 1: don't do that, so we all can be genius. This

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Speaker 1: is really what I'm trying to say. Okay, before we

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Speaker 1: get into the question today, I also wanted to share

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Speaker 1: this quote that I saw this week because it pertains

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Speaker 1: to last week's Monday episode. I don't remember I took

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Speaker 1: this quote from, and I'm pretty sure I've seen it

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Speaker 1: multiple places, but it was Manipulation is when someone blames

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Speaker 1: you for a reaction of their disrespect. And honestly, that's

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Speaker 1: on narcissism period, and I think that just fits so

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Speaker 1: well into what we were talking about and describing when

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Speaker 1: it feels what it it feels like to be with

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Speaker 1: people who have a lot of traits of narcissism. Manipulation

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Speaker 1: is when someone blames you for reaction of their disrespect.

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Speaker 1: That is one of the things that a narcissist would

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Speaker 1: do regularly, and it's not healthy, it's not helpful, it's

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Speaker 1: not kind. So when you start being blamed for being

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Speaker 1: sad or hurt or angry for somebody actually acting in

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Speaker 1: a way that was very disrespectful, like objectively red flag.

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Speaker 1: It's a little red flag. Notice it. Anyway, Let's get

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Speaker 1: to the email reminder everybody, if you do want to

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Speaker 1: send an email, I keep on them anonymous and I

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Speaker 1: won't ever read your name, even if you sign it

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Speaker 1: with your name. So I just do that out of

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Speaker 1: safety for you and so more people feel comfortable writing it.

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Speaker 1: So here's the email. Hey, Kat, First, I love your podcast.

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Speaker 1: I have a question on how to address the way

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Speaker 1: my mom talks in front of my four almost five

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Speaker 1: year old daughter. Occasionally, my daughter will put on shoes

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Speaker 1: or clothes and do a silly walk and my mom

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Speaker 1: will say, oh, sexy or something to that effect. She

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Speaker 1: even made a comment one time when I sent a

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Speaker 1: video of my daughter dancing to Paw Patrol that she

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Speaker 1: sees a poll in her future. Hello, wildly inappropriate. I

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Speaker 1: know my mom, and I know she will get offended

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Speaker 1: if I say, Hey, that's not really appropriate. Is there

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Speaker 1: a better way I can address this? And listening to

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Speaker 1: your podcast, I've realized that my body image issues and

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Speaker 1: issues surrounding food stem a lot from my mom, and

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Speaker 1: I'm trying very very hard to show my daughter a

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Speaker 1: better example. I'm just not happy with the comments being

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Speaker 1: made about our body at this age, I appreciate your insight. Okay, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I would be actually losing my mind if my mom

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Speaker 1: said this. And I don't know your mom. I don't

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Speaker 1: know her personality or how she means it. But I

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Speaker 1: think like from an objective standpoint, you are totally valid

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Speaker 1: and justified and feeling really uncomfortable by some of those comments.

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Speaker 1: So I'm just gonna say a couple of things and

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Speaker 1: then I'm gonna let you make your own decision on

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Speaker 1: how to address that. Yes. So one, just because someone

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Speaker 1: gets offended, it does not mean you're doing something wrong.

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Speaker 1: And I mean that like always. Sometimes it does, like

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Speaker 1: sometimes people are offended because we do things that are

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Speaker 1: unkind or not right or any of the buff. But

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Speaker 1: just because somebody gets offended does not mean you're actually

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Speaker 1: doing something wrong. There's space to investigate. So even if

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Speaker 1: your mom does get offended by what you say, I

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Speaker 1: want you to know it doesn't mean that you handle

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Speaker 1: this situation poorly or in the wrong way or didn't

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Speaker 1: say the right thing. We can't control people's reactions. What

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Speaker 1: we can control are our boundaries and how we show

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Speaker 1: up and how we confront each other, how we speak

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Speaker 1: to each other. Number two, This can be like a

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Speaker 1: simple sentence that you say to your mom. However, I

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Speaker 1: know that even that might be still hard or uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: for you to say, and I want to acknowledge and

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Speaker 1: honor that. When I read the part where you said

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Speaker 1: you know your mom's going to get offended, what it

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Speaker 1: sounds like is that you might be leaning into some

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Speaker 1: people please and behavior, which a lot of us can

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Speaker 1: do from time to time. It's a very normal thing.

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Speaker 1: I totally get it, but I just wanted to acknowledge

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Speaker 1: that because when we're people pleasing, we're also ignoring certain

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Speaker 1: people's feelings. We're putting one person in front of maybe

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Speaker 1: just us or maybe a group of people, and the

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Speaker 1: person that you're people pleasing in this scenario sounds like

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Speaker 1: your mom. So what if you looked at it towards

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Speaker 1: taking care of your daughter versus taking care of your mom.

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Speaker 1: Your mom's an adult, and she has the tools to

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Speaker 1: care for herself, even if she chooses not to use them. However,

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Speaker 1: your daughter, she's a kid, and our kids rely on

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Speaker 1: the adults around them to care for them and teach

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Speaker 1: them and show them and help them way more than adults.

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Speaker 1: So I wonder what even if you know you might

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Speaker 1: get some pushback or your mom might be offended, that

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Speaker 1: feeling or or that inclination to people please might feel

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Speaker 1: different if you looked at it as Wait a second,

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Speaker 1: my daughter doesn't have the ability to care for herself

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Speaker 1: in all of the ways that my mom does. So

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Speaker 1: I might sacrifice being uncomfortable because my mom's offended to

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Speaker 1: care for my daughter in this way, and myself because

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Speaker 1: I think that this is not just about your daughter,

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Speaker 1: It's about that this doesn't feel right for you. A

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Speaker 1: third thing I wanted to mention is I think it

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Speaker 1: matters less exactly what you say and more importantly how

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Speaker 1: you say it. Here coming in with kindness and expressing

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Speaker 1: feelings in a way that feel like integral to who

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Speaker 1: you are. So knowing that I'm saying something that feels

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Speaker 1: right to me, it feels like I'm holding my integrity

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Speaker 1: and being myself in how I confront my mom. This

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Speaker 1: can be the difference of speaking confidently versus like yelling

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Speaker 1: or shouting and getting in a screaming match. Like I

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Speaker 1: can speak really confident and do that with a lot

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Speaker 1: of kindness in my inflection, and it could sound simple

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Speaker 1: as like, hey, I feel uncomfortable when you say things

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Speaker 1: like that, and I'd appreciate if we don't use those

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Speaker 1: kinds of words around the kids or regarding the kids.

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Speaker 1: Really simple, if your mom gets offended, hey, one doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean you did anything wrong too, that could be helpful.

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Speaker 1: I think when we get offended a lot of times,

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Speaker 1: it might bring to light something that we would have

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Speaker 1: otherwise like brushed off or not paid attention to. But

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Speaker 1: hopefully your mom can ask herself, hey, why am I offended?

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Speaker 1: Or am I offended? Or do I now feel guilty?

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Speaker 1: And because I don't like that guilty feeling, I get

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Speaker 1: offended and blame it on my daughter for saying something

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Speaker 1: to me. Regardless, it might offer your mom the ability

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Speaker 1: to have some insight that she otherwise might not have had,

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Speaker 1: and it offers you to stand up for yourself and

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Speaker 1: your daughter, and it offers some care for your daughter.

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Speaker 1: And then the last thing I wanted to say is

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Speaker 1: this brings up this whole idea of the objectification and

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Speaker 1: the sexualization of women in general, and it is really

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Speaker 1: really important for us to pay attention to that because

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Speaker 1: I think in our past it hasn't been questioned, and

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Speaker 1: it just has been like, Yeah, women are thought of

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Speaker 1: and looked at and spoken to and spoken of as objects,

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Speaker 1: and we don't even know that we're doing it, right, Like,

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Speaker 1: we don't even know that that's kind of what we

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Speaker 1: are creating. And again, your mom might not know. This

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Speaker 1: might be just this like natural verbiage that she's actually

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Speaker 1: adding to this thing that actually has oppressed her, most

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Speaker 1: likely in her past. And I try to stay really

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Speaker 1: unbiased on these episodes and in these questions. But since

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Speaker 1: I've already given you the disclaimer that this is an

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Speaker 1: actual therapy, I want to go outside the lines a

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Speaker 1: little bit here. And I have a five year old niece.

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Speaker 1: I have a five and a seven year old niece,

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Speaker 1: but I said the five year old because she's close

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Speaker 1: to your daughter's age, and she's so cute and loves

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Speaker 1: to dance and sing and perform, and I love how

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Speaker 1: innocent and joyful she is in doing that. She doesn't

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Speaker 1: have the thoughts of how she should be looking, how

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Speaker 1: she should be showing up what she wants people to say,

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Speaker 1: although she wants some validation, but she shows up in

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Speaker 1: this way that's just like so wonderfully herself and She's

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Speaker 1: gotten such wonderful, caring, loving feedback for her showing up

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Speaker 1: as herself, and I want to encourage that as long

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Speaker 1: as I can in her and I know that her

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Speaker 1: her family. I am her family, her parents, I'm sure

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Speaker 1: want that as well. And it made me think of

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Speaker 1: this post I actually wrote about her in April twenty twenty.

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Speaker 1: It's not exactly on the same lines as this, but

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Speaker 1: it does talk about just like body image and stuff

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Speaker 1: like that, and so it made me think of this post,

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Speaker 1: and so I wanted to read it because I think

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Speaker 1: that this is just a really important topic. And it's

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Speaker 1: a picture on my Instagram of her in this pink

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Speaker 1: two two leotard dance outfit that she wanted to wear,

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Speaker 1: and this is what I wrote, Kids, they really are

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Speaker 1: wiser than we think. This is Addie. Not only is

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Speaker 1: she's the funniest human I know. She's all so one

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Speaker 1: of the smartest and she's only three. Crazy right, well

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Speaker 1: not so crazy. The night this picture was taken, Addie

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Speaker 1: pulled me upstairs and said, Aunt Kat, I need you

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Speaker 1: to help put this on me. I looked at the

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Speaker 1: pink leotard and then her and I thought to myself, well,

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Speaker 1: this is going to be a really tight squeeze, but

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Speaker 1: let's do it. About a minute later, there was ads

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Speaker 1: twirling in a pinkletar that was probably one of two

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Speaker 1: sizes too small, as if she was the most beautiful

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Speaker 1: human on earth, beaming from ear to ear. Addie let

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Speaker 1: me take about six hundred pictures of her. Not once

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Speaker 1: did she ask if the angle was good, if the

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Speaker 1: outfit was flattering, or if she looked okay. Addie didn't

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Speaker 1: ask me those questions because at three years old, she's

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Speaker 1: not concerned with any of those things. What she did

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Speaker 1: ask was if she could see the pictures. This was

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Speaker 1: followed by a three year old giggling and smiling over

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Speaker 1: an image of herself with raw and innocent excitement. You see,

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Speaker 1: we come out of the womb thinking we're perfect just

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Speaker 1: the way we are. Kids don't believe that their worth,

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Speaker 1: value or beauty is wrapped up in a flattering angle

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Speaker 1: or an outfit that makes their stomach look flat. They

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Speaker 1: get to be the judges of their beauty. Negative body

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Speaker 1: image is a learned behavior. We weren't born hating our bodies,

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Speaker 1: and we also don't have to keep hitting our bodies.

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Speaker 1: Kids hold the belief that we were created to hold

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Speaker 1: the beliefs before the imperfections of life bump against us

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Speaker 1: and screw up with the truth. The second image that

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Speaker 1: I posted is a video of Addie and her big

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Speaker 1: sister greeting me when I came over to hang out.

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Speaker 1: Noticed that they didn't care what sized jeans I was wearing.

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Speaker 1: They cared about who was at the door. So if

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Speaker 1: kids really are the smart ones, what if we took

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Speaker 1: a little lesson from them? What would happen if I

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Speaker 1: held the amount of excitement they hold when I spend

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Speaker 1: time with myself. What would happen if you were less

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Speaker 1: concerned about the camera angle? I don't know, it could

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Speaker 1: be kind of cool. One. I just wanted to read

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Speaker 1: that because it reminded me of her, and I just

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Speaker 1: love her, and I think that she's taught me so much,

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Speaker 1: both her and her sister. And also I wanted there

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Speaker 1: to be like a little bit of an encouragement in

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Speaker 1: this because of the part where you're talking about like

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Speaker 1: my body stuff and my food stuff came from how

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Speaker 1: I remember talk to and however, I remember being raised

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Speaker 1: in certain ways, and my encouragement is to like, let's

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Speaker 1: let kids be kids as long as they can. So

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Speaker 1: many of us have to grow up in certain areas

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Speaker 1: long before we're ready to or before we have to.

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Speaker 1: And part of that is noticing when there's this expectation

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Speaker 1: in the world that tells us to be a certain

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Speaker 1: way or act a certain way that doesn't really actually

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Speaker 1: fit with who we are. And part of this includes

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Speaker 1: the way we speak to our kids, like part of

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Speaker 1: letting them be kids as long as they can is

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Speaker 1: speaking to them like their kids. We don't have to

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Speaker 1: shield them from everything. But a five year old isn't

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Speaker 1: fully equipped to understand certain things, and a five year

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Speaker 1: old isn't equipped to hear certain things because they don't

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Speaker 1: have the ability to think rationally about certain things. They

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Speaker 1: don't have the ability to tease out certain things. They

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Speaker 1: take things at face value. And so my face value

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Speaker 1: to my nieces is that, like, they love me and

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Speaker 1: they have a lot of fun with me. That's it.

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Speaker 1: It's not we love cat because she fits the mold

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Speaker 1: of what society he wants a woman to be. That's

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Speaker 1: not it at all. And so yeah, I totally get

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Speaker 1: why this would upset you and bother you, and I'm

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Speaker 1: right there with you, and so if we look at

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Speaker 1: it from that angle, and we put our kids in

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Speaker 1: front of worrying about how people might respond or how

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Speaker 1: people might react, it really might change the game for us,

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Speaker 1: and we really might end up changing the game for

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Speaker 1: the people that come after us as well. So I

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Speaker 1: get it. I want there to be a clean, easy

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Speaker 1: way to speak and confront somebody that's going to then

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Speaker 1: create no room for discomfort. But sometimes that's not an option,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes we have to weigh like am I willing

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Speaker 1: to sit in this discomfort or just am I willing

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Speaker 1: to possibly feel discomfort to do this thing that I

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Speaker 1: actually think has a bigger benefit on the other side.

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Speaker 1: So that's all I have for you guys today. If

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Speaker 1: you have a question, you can go ahead and send

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Speaker 1: that to me Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: I love getting them. If you also just want to

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Speaker 1: send an email, maybe give feedback on a question that

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Speaker 1: you heard, or ask clarifying questions on things that you

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Speaker 1: heard in any of the episodes, or if you just

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Speaker 1: want to send an email describing, like how this podcast

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Speaker 1: has helped you or how you use something that you

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Speaker 1: learn to like actually maybe confront something like this or

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Speaker 1: look deeper at certain things and why you might not

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Speaker 1: be saying them or why you might be saying them.

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Speaker 1: I love hearing that kind of stuff, So I want

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Speaker 1: to eventually start sharing some of those kinds of emails

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Speaker 1: on couch Talks to encourage all of us that we're

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Speaker 1: all in this doing this work and it might be hard,

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Speaker 1: but there are some really good benefits from it. So

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Speaker 1: all that's say, you can hail on me, if you

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Speaker 1: want to follow me, you can follow me on Instagram

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Speaker 1: at cat dot Defada, and you can follow the podcast

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Speaker 1: at You Need Therapy podcast on Instagram as well. With

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Speaker 1: all that being said, have the day you need to have.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go have the move I need to have.

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Speaker 1: Might not be the move I want to have, but

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna have the move I need to have and

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Speaker 1: I will be back with you on Monday. Bye, guys,