1
00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:05,200
Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. Really, listen

2
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:07,400
Speaker 1: to your body. Allow the other person to feel how

3
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:10,400
Speaker 1: they feel. It's natural for them to feel hurt, confused,

4
00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:13,080
Speaker 1: or even angry. But you don't have to carry their emotions.

5
00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,360
Speaker 1: Those are their emotions that they need to figure out

6
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:18,479
Speaker 1: how to manage and work through within their process. So

7
00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:20,799
Speaker 1: hopefully they have a therapist or someone they can go

8
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:23,320
Speaker 1: to work through those emotions.

9
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,680
Speaker 2: Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just

10
00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:32,520
Speaker 2: doesn't get you? Well, we do.

11
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,320
Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting

12
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:39,000
Speaker 1: and empowering women like you.

13
00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:46,080
Speaker 2: We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Grussard and educator and psychologists.

14
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,159
Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.

15
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:53,520
Speaker 2: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from

16
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:58,320
Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black

17
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:02,520
Speaker 2: women to just b Before.

18
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,319
Speaker 1: We dive in, make sure you hit that follow button

19
00:01:04,319 --> 00:01:06,880
Speaker 1: and leave us a quick five star review. Lady, we

20
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:10,039
Speaker 1: are black founded and black owned, and your support will

21
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,959
Speaker 1: help us reach even more women like you.

22
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:17,679
Speaker 2: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

23
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,600
Speaker 2: It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.

24
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,520
Speaker 2: Are you currently a resident of the state of California

25
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:32,280
Speaker 2: in contemplating starting your therapy journey, Well, if so, please

26
00:01:32,319 --> 00:01:36,160
Speaker 2: reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.

27
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:41,520
Speaker 2: That's d R D O M I N I q

28
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:47,199
Speaker 2: U E B R O U ss ar D dot

29
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:52,160
Speaker 2: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look

30
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:56,760
Speaker 2: forward to hearing from you, all right. Our quote of

31
00:01:56,840 --> 00:02:01,520
Speaker 2: the day Sometime the most loving thing you can do

32
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:06,120
Speaker 2: is let go. I'm gonna say that one more time

33
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:11,760
Speaker 2: so that you feel it in your spirit. Sometimes the

34
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:16,239
Speaker 2: most loving thing you can do is let go. Ooh

35
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:24,919
Speaker 2: tea this quote and our topic for today. Yeah, when

36
00:02:24,919 --> 00:02:27,000
Speaker 2: you hear that quote, what comes up for you?

37
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:32,639
Speaker 1: What comes up for me is Okay, I'm thinking about

38
00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:35,800
Speaker 1: an episode we had with doctor Tama where she talked

39
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:39,760
Speaker 1: about basically basically, she said that if you know that

40
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,200
Speaker 1: ending the connection is inevitable, if you know it's not

41
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:47,919
Speaker 1: a good fit, it's better to make a decision swiftly,

42
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:51,840
Speaker 1: let go swiftly versus dragging it on because you're gonna

43
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:55,399
Speaker 1: cause harm either way usually, right, and so it's better

44
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:57,760
Speaker 1: to just do it now because the longer you you

45
00:02:57,919 --> 00:02:59,400
Speaker 1: kind of put on that front, it's going to be

46
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,000
Speaker 1: even harder on the line because it's more connection and

47
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:05,120
Speaker 1: bonding being built. So when I hear this quote, that's

48
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,720
Speaker 1: what I'm thinking about. Sometimes it might be hard, but

49
00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:09,919
Speaker 1: sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let

50
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,680
Speaker 1: someone go so they can be with someone who's a

51
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,720
Speaker 1: good fit for them, and so that you can also

52
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,600
Speaker 1: have your freedom and find someone who's aligned with you.

53
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:22,120
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I love that, and yeah, I think for me,

54
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:26,639
Speaker 2: I think the thing that was coming up was that

55
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:35,160
Speaker 2: the loving thing is not one sided, right, that ending

56
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:43,680
Speaker 2: this relationship would be loving for you, and it's an

57
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,960
Speaker 2: act of love for the other part towards the other

58
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:53,680
Speaker 2: person as well, and so recognizing that it is hard oftentimes,

59
00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:59,360
Speaker 2: not all, not every time, but oftentimes ending a relationship

60
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:03,800
Speaker 2: is hard. But you're right in that, like when you

61
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,160
Speaker 2: ended swiftly once you know that you're not in it.

62
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:12,240
Speaker 2: If you ended swiftly, then that, like you said, that

63
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:17,200
Speaker 2: allows the other person to have time to move on

64
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:20,400
Speaker 2: and find someone who's a better fit for them and

65
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:22,160
Speaker 2: for you to be able to do the same.

66
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:25,599
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you're spot on. I feel we do

67
00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,719
Speaker 1: people in ourselves a disservice when we don't do that,

68
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,160
Speaker 1: and I have a lot of experience with that, unfortunately,

69
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,479
Speaker 1: but we're going to talk about it today. So I

70
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:36,360
Speaker 1: don't know about y'all, but I feel like I've been

71
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:39,840
Speaker 1: presented with numerous opportunities in life to break up with people.

72
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:43,000
Speaker 1: And that's maybe another conversation for another day on the

73
00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,520
Speaker 1: why behind that. Actually, I want to share a little

74
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,160
Speaker 1: bit with you. I think most of the time, for me,

75
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:50,960
Speaker 1: dom it's because I find myself, especially being a recovering

76
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,080
Speaker 1: people pleaser, I found myself getting into relationships that I

77
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,880
Speaker 1: knew were not for me. So then of course I'm

78
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,599
Speaker 1: you know, I'm in the relationship, and then I'm at

79
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,480
Speaker 1: a point where I'm like, wait a second, this is

80
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:01,800
Speaker 1: not for me, So then I have to end it

81
00:05:01,839 --> 00:05:04,719
Speaker 1: because it's just not a good fit. Right. And so

82
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:08,839
Speaker 1: today we are talking about how to end relationships with grace, courage,

83
00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:12,440
Speaker 1: and compassion even when your heart feels heavy, because this

84
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,560
Speaker 1: is a very important conversation to cover it is.

85
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:20,320
Speaker 2: And I think the thing, even though to me, my

86
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:23,480
Speaker 2: automatic thought when we talk about this about breaking up

87
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:30,479
Speaker 2: goes to romantic relationships, this conversation the tips that we're

88
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:38,000
Speaker 2: going to offer can apply to friendships, most definitely situationships

89
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:46,479
Speaker 2: and in general connections that no longer align with who

90
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:46,920
Speaker 2: you are.

91
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,480
Speaker 1: Yes, and the good thing is, y'all we got you.

92
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,799
Speaker 1: So we are going to give you some breakup text

93
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,760
Speaker 1: templates or if you want to email it to the person,

94
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,080
Speaker 1: whatever your style is, or write a letter. Right, We're

95
00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,880
Speaker 1: going to give you some templates that you can literally

96
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,800
Speaker 1: copy and paste when you don't have the words, because

97
00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:05,040
Speaker 1: sometimes it is very challenging to figure out like how

98
00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:06,720
Speaker 1: do I want to communicate this? How do I want

99
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,200
Speaker 1: to initiate the conversation, and so we help when you're out.

100
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,040
Speaker 1: We want to give you a little template, a couple

101
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,240
Speaker 1: of templates that you can use and make your own

102
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,719
Speaker 1: based on your unique situation. And we also have what

103
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,880
Speaker 1: we call a soulful Connection check in to help you

104
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,920
Speaker 1: ground yourself in clarity before you make any big moves.

105
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,599
Speaker 1: So we're actually going to dive into that now. Before

106
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,120
Speaker 1: we get deeper into the episode, we want to share

107
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,440
Speaker 1: the soulful Connection check in and go over a few

108
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,920
Speaker 1: teaser questions to kind of give you an idea of

109
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,000
Speaker 1: what to expect and what this actually is. And so

110
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:37,919
Speaker 1: we've done this a couple times on the episodes, we

111
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,120
Speaker 1: may continue the soulful Connection check in. It's basically a

112
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:44,800
Speaker 1: reflective tool that helps you assess where you're at emotionally

113
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:48,839
Speaker 1: before navigating a tough conversation like a breakup. Right, So

114
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,719
Speaker 1: it's all about getting clear on your own feelings, ensuring

115
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:55,080
Speaker 1: that you're aligned with your values before taking action because

116
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,839
Speaker 1: sometimes we can have outside influences and at the end

117
00:06:58,839 --> 00:07:01,520
Speaker 1: of the day, this is really your decision. What feels

118
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,880
Speaker 1: like in your body, what feels like for you and

119
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,599
Speaker 1: your life, and where you are in this season.

120
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:11,440
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, you know this. This soulful Connection truly is

121
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:22,560
Speaker 2: designed to help you understand your reasons, your emotions, and

122
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,880
Speaker 2: I think also the bigger picture before making before making decisions,

123
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:32,480
Speaker 2: right and so particularly in this episode, the soulful Connection,

124
00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:36,920
Speaker 2: like we said before, is not just for romantic breakups,

125
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:41,040
Speaker 2: but it's also a tool you can use when you're

126
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:44,680
Speaker 2: trying to make any big decision in your life regarding

127
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,560
Speaker 2: any type of connection or relationship.

128
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,640
Speaker 1: And one thing to note, we're going to dive into

129
00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,160
Speaker 1: it in just a bit, but Domini are going to

130
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,160
Speaker 1: go over to teaser questions to kind of give you

131
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,400
Speaker 1: a little little taste of what it's like. But if

132
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:59,440
Speaker 1: you want the full check in, all the questions and

133
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,760
Speaker 1: all the section, you can visit her space podcast dot

134
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,480
Speaker 1: com and subscribe to our Patreon. You can just click

135
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:07,520
Speaker 1: anywhere you see Patreon on our website. And again, it's

136
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,720
Speaker 1: a simple but powerful way to ensure you're stepping into

137
00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:12,680
Speaker 1: your decisions with more clarity and self awareness.

138
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:18,000
Speaker 2: All right, so now wait before let's let's let's be clear,

139
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:22,200
Speaker 2: because you know, I want folks to really understand that

140
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,640
Speaker 2: by subscribing, like we're not telling you subscribe solely for

141
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:31,400
Speaker 2: getting the soulful check in, but when you subscribe, you

142
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:37,280
Speaker 2: also will get exclusive content, bonus episodes, and early access

143
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:42,880
Speaker 2: to upcoming episodes. And so while this check in will

144
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:46,280
Speaker 2: give you a deeper understanding of yourself and empower you

145
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:51,120
Speaker 2: to handle those tough moments with great that subscription will

146
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:54,800
Speaker 2: give you access to even more tools and content from us.

147
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,079
Speaker 1: All right, y'all, so make sure you subscribe and you'll

148
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,320
Speaker 1: get all the all the goodness that DONMG just shared.

149
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,640
Speaker 1: But let's go ahead and jump into this first question. Okay,

150
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:05,200
Speaker 1: for today's Soulful Connection checkt Cheryl. His first question is

151
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,440
Speaker 1: what are your reasons for staying in the relationship? And

152
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,719
Speaker 1: when you think about this question, Okay, listen, when you

153
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:13,280
Speaker 1: think about this question, here's the thing. Dom When I

154
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:17,040
Speaker 1: hear this question, it makes me think about situations where

155
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,040
Speaker 1: I was so concerned about what everyone else was thinking

156
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,480
Speaker 1: about the relationship. So when it came to my reasons

157
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,360
Speaker 1: for staying, oftentimes I'm like, well, what about this, Like

158
00:09:27,679 --> 00:09:30,000
Speaker 1: I'm saying because of what people would think if I,

159
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,040
Speaker 1: you know, end it, or they see that I'm separated

160
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:34,800
Speaker 1: or divorced or whatever it might be right or not

161
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:38,280
Speaker 1: with this person anymore, or maybe you have a child,

162
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,240
Speaker 1: or maybe there could be numerous reasons. And we have

163
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,600
Speaker 1: an episode about why you should not stay in a relationship,

164
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,600
Speaker 1: so go check that one out as well. But think

165
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:47,680
Speaker 1: about it, like are you staying for fear, guilt, out

166
00:09:47,679 --> 00:09:51,240
Speaker 1: of habit, out of obligation? Right, this is a question

167
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,280
Speaker 1: that I believe can really help you get to the

168
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,640
Speaker 1: root of why you're there and if you need to

169
00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:58,360
Speaker 1: stay there, And a lot of times too, Like we'll

170
00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:00,120
Speaker 1: cover this more in detail just a bit, but like

171
00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:03,160
Speaker 1: we know a lot of times we know, and your

172
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,880
Speaker 1: gut you can feel it, you know, and Yeah, So

173
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,000
Speaker 1: I think this is a really good question to ask yourself.

174
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:13,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a hard one, but it's a good one.

175
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:14,760
Speaker 2: It's a good one.

176
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:16,120
Speaker 1: Yeah.

177
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:20,240
Speaker 2: Now this next question, how do you feel when you

178
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:24,200
Speaker 2: think about the other person? Now, lady, I want you

179
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:32,000
Speaker 2: to pause, and if you are in a relationship right now, pause,

180
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:40,240
Speaker 2: get still and ask yourself how do you feel when

181
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:43,720
Speaker 2: you think about the other person? So say that person's name,

182
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:50,440
Speaker 2: and pay attention to how your body responds, like not

183
00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:55,199
Speaker 2: just not just what thoughts come up, but what are

184
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:59,880
Speaker 2: the feelings and what is the physiological response that you're experience.

185
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:08,920
Speaker 2: Do you feel relief, sadness, guilt, excitement, maybe a little

186
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:15,720
Speaker 2: tingle in another region? What are the feelings that what's

187
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,480
Speaker 2: coming up when you think about this person? And so

188
00:11:19,559 --> 00:11:24,439
Speaker 2: understanding how you feel and what comes up in your

189
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:28,920
Speaker 2: body what do you experience in your body will help

190
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:35,560
Speaker 2: you have some honesty and clarity around what decision do

191
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:36,360
Speaker 2: you need to make?

192
00:11:37,559 --> 00:11:39,680
Speaker 1: I love that question so much, job, and I feel

193
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,199
Speaker 1: like there's an activity within that question that you can

194
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,920
Speaker 1: also take on, lady, So think about it. You could

195
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:48,160
Speaker 1: either tell tell let's say you're dating like multiple people

196
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:50,560
Speaker 1: or maybe it is just one person that you're thinking about,

197
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,839
Speaker 1: tell a friend or your therapist about the person, and

198
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,200
Speaker 1: when you're finished telling them, ask that person what they

199
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:59,880
Speaker 1: perceived about your body language and energy. Because I was

200
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,840
Speaker 1: a twelve year relationship and then I was I've been

201
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,600
Speaker 1: dating for the past two years after my separation. And

202
00:12:04,679 --> 00:12:07,559
Speaker 1: when I tell you dating multiple people, it was so

203
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,120
Speaker 1: insightful for me, and it gave me a lot of

204
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:13,120
Speaker 1: experience and practice ending connections and also realizing how my

205
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,520
Speaker 1: body felt. So I was talking to my therapist about

206
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,400
Speaker 1: these two different guys I was dating along my dating journey,

207
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,480
Speaker 1: and I didn't even tell her about how I really felt.

208
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,120
Speaker 1: I didn't really give her a lot of detail about them.

209
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,600
Speaker 1: But what she told me after I shared information about

210
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,760
Speaker 1: both of them, she was like your body language when

211
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,960
Speaker 1: you talked about this person, it was open and light

212
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,560
Speaker 1: and free, and when you talked about the second person,

213
00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:36,480
Speaker 1: it was like you closed up. Even the way you

214
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:40,000
Speaker 1: were moving your body was different. And so just listen

215
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,400
Speaker 1: to your body because a lot of times, right our

216
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,640
Speaker 1: bodies do keep the score and it tells us things

217
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,160
Speaker 1: that sometimes our mind may not have had a chance

218
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:51,679
Speaker 1: to really register. So those are our questions. Now, don

219
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,040
Speaker 1: when I think about all the breakups that I've had, right,

220
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:56,680
Speaker 1: there are a couple of things I've noticed when it

221
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,120
Speaker 1: comes to these breakups. It's like it always happens, and

222
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,800
Speaker 1: pretty much situation one is a gut feeling. I feel

223
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,719
Speaker 1: like I knew it in my gut, and my intuition

224
00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:09,880
Speaker 1: was telling me that it's time, and oftentimes I ignored that.

225
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,680
Speaker 1: I rarely acted on it right away, and I found

226
00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:15,920
Speaker 1: myself either wanting to stop spending time with that person

227
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:19,160
Speaker 1: or asking myself for others like should I stay? You know,

228
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,800
Speaker 1: you start calling up your friend asking for advice question

229
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:23,959
Speaker 1: that you already know the answer to you like, girl,

230
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,400
Speaker 1: this happened, should I stay? And it's like you know

231
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,680
Speaker 1: the answer? We sometimes just need that validation, right, So

232
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,000
Speaker 1: that is one thing that happens. Have you experienced that ever?

233
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:36,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would say early on, like particularly in my twenties,

234
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:41,720
Speaker 2: like I was, it happened. It happened more often than not,

235
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:47,200
Speaker 2: that I was ignoring my intuition. Yes, So, like there

236
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:51,480
Speaker 2: would be that gut feeling or I wasn't acknowledging what

237
00:13:51,559 --> 00:13:53,920
Speaker 2: was coming up in my body when I would think

238
00:13:54,040 --> 00:14:02,560
Speaker 2: of a particular person. And so I think for a

239
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,760
Speaker 2: lot of us. If we slow down and tune in,

240
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:11,800
Speaker 2: the information is there. It's a matter of us paying

241
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:16,600
Speaker 2: attention to it. Like there were situations where I knew

242
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:27,520
Speaker 2: things were done and I, out of embarrassment, shame, fear,

243
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:35,560
Speaker 2: continue to engage with that person and couldn't bring myself

244
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:40,240
Speaker 2: to end it even though in my body, like my

245
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:43,200
Speaker 2: body was letting me know, yeah, girl, this ain't this

246
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:47,320
Speaker 2: ain't it, This ain't this is the time has come

247
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:55,240
Speaker 2: to end this? Yeah, And I had, but I ignored it. Yeah,

248
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:59,119
Speaker 2: And I think it's it's a common thing that happens,

249
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:07,320
Speaker 2: ye for us to have a be involved with someone,

250
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:11,200
Speaker 2: not feel good about it, but don't know how to

251
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:15,360
Speaker 2: end it. And especially if you were involved with someone

252
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:21,360
Speaker 2: and it started off really good. Yes, because it's a

253
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:24,040
Speaker 2: whole different thing for us to think about the relationships

254
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:27,040
Speaker 2: that we got into that we weren't good from the beginning.

255
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:32,720
Speaker 2: There's those, but the breakup I think can be pretty

256
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:39,880
Speaker 2: hard when you when you pause and you're like, wait,

257
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:48,600
Speaker 2: but we we started off great, what happened? Right? Does

258
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,680
Speaker 2: it really have to end? Can we go back to

259
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,280
Speaker 2: the beginning exactly?

260
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,160
Speaker 1: That's a good one girl, And the number two for

261
00:15:56,240 --> 00:16:00,280
Speaker 1: me is overthinking the reason. Now, this one came for

262
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:04,640
Speaker 1: me a lot as well. And what happened was oftentimes

263
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,840
Speaker 1: it wouldn't even so. The thing was I would have

264
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,520
Speaker 1: a reason, but I didn't feel like it was suitable

265
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:11,640
Speaker 1: for the other person. I felt like they wouldn't accept

266
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,760
Speaker 1: my reason because a lot of times it was like

267
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:17,080
Speaker 1: I need to focus on myself, or I just don't

268
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,960
Speaker 1: feel the vibe, Like the vibe just isn't there. I

269
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,160
Speaker 1: just doesn't feel Sometimes I didn't even have a clear reason.

270
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:22,680
Speaker 1: It was just like it doesn't feel right in my body.

271
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:25,520
Speaker 1: My gut is saying no. But I had to I

272
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,240
Speaker 1: didn't know how to explain it, and I felt like

273
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,800
Speaker 1: I needed to have something justifiable that they could agree

274
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:32,280
Speaker 1: to because I was recovering people pleaser, right, So then

275
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:35,920
Speaker 1: I tried to start orchestrating the perfect understandable reason for

276
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:39,720
Speaker 1: the breakup, waiting for, you know, something big to happen.

277
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:41,280
Speaker 1: Sometimes I'd be like, all right, I want to do it

278
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,800
Speaker 1: at this time, or they do this, then I'm going

279
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,240
Speaker 1: to break up and say it for this reason. It's

280
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:49,040
Speaker 1: like just yeah, it just wasn't It was not serving me. Yeah,

281
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:49,920
Speaker 1: it was not serving me.

282
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:55,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think that if you if you're at

283
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:59,720
Speaker 2: that point where you're overthinking it, is it and what

284
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:08,359
Speaker 2: can what can happen sometimes is you're overthinking whether or

285
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,359
Speaker 2: not like your reason for breaking up. But on the

286
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,320
Speaker 2: flip side of that, you might be overthinking why you

287
00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:19,720
Speaker 2: need to stay right. So, okay, they have this one

288
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:23,480
Speaker 2: good thing, and not to say that that's the only

289
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,320
Speaker 2: good thing, but there's just one particular good thing that

290
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:32,199
Speaker 2: you are focused in on, and you keep overthinking that

291
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:39,439
Speaker 2: or ruminating on that particular thing, expecting that thing to

292
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:46,000
Speaker 2: compensate for all of the other maybe red flags or

293
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,320
Speaker 2: misalignment that you're experiencing.

294
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, and as you said that, Dom, I just looked

295
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:56,240
Speaker 1: up our episode y'all. It's season twenty five, episode eight,

296
00:17:56,760 --> 00:18:00,240
Speaker 1: and it's six reasons you should not stay in a relationship.

297
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,880
Speaker 1: So go google that so you could check that out

298
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,160
Speaker 1: if that feels like it resonates with you and where

299
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:06,600
Speaker 1: you are. And the last time I would share number

300
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,600
Speaker 1: three is the third thing that always would come up

301
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,399
Speaker 1: for me when it was time for me to break up.

302
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,800
Speaker 1: I got that sign was like resentment and or obligation

303
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,919
Speaker 1: where I began feeling more like I was obligated to

304
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:22,199
Speaker 1: stay versus me wanting to stay, so my desire around

305
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,600
Speaker 1: it or my desire to be around them. It was

306
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,760
Speaker 1: slowly kind of being replaced by resentment where I find

307
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,040
Speaker 1: myself like, damn, do I really want to do this,

308
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,240
Speaker 1: or like, oh, they're going to feel a certain way,

309
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:35,239
Speaker 1: so I should just keep up with whatever. You know, this,

310
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,040
Speaker 1: I should just stay in this, or like you know,

311
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,560
Speaker 1: continue to meet with them or continue to be with them,

312
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,280
Speaker 1: because they're going to feel a certain way. Really, and

313
00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:45,600
Speaker 1: so then when you start feeling that way and you're like,

314
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,840
Speaker 1: do I really even want to do this, it's just

315
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,879
Speaker 1: it doesn't If it doesn't feel right in your body,

316
00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:53,040
Speaker 1: we should move on. So, yeah, that was another one.

317
00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:55,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that that's a that's a huge factor

318
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,399
Speaker 2: in that particular episode where we talked about reasons you

319
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:03,560
Speaker 2: shouldn't stay in a relationship. I think a common thing

320
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:11,040
Speaker 2: that happens is people stay out of obligation because there's kids. Yeah,

321
00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:17,400
Speaker 2: and to me, that or this is a controversial one.

322
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,960
Speaker 2: People might feel. A person may feel obligated to stay

323
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:29,600
Speaker 2: in the relationship because the partner is sick. Now, I

324
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:35,240
Speaker 2: remember several years ago there was a politician who a

325
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:40,520
Speaker 2: story came out. These are not black people, but the story,

326
00:19:41,119 --> 00:19:44,760
Speaker 2: I feel like I need to preface that, and so

327
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,919
Speaker 2: the story, and so I won't name names of the politician,

328
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:54,000
Speaker 2: but the politician story came out that years ago, this

329
00:19:54,119 --> 00:19:59,040
Speaker 2: person there, they were married, their wife had cancer, and

330
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,639
Speaker 2: they decided to find or divorce in the middle of

331
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:06,800
Speaker 2: the wife's cancer battle. Thinking at the time being hell

332
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:11,640
Speaker 2: a judgmental of like, well, that's an assholeish thing to do,

333
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,600
Speaker 2: Like how do you leave somebody in the middle of

334
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:19,560
Speaker 2: their sickness. Fast forward some years then, you know, I'm

335
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:23,119
Speaker 2: thinking from a perspective of, well, we don't know what

336
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:30,639
Speaker 2: was really happening in that marriage. And while most of

337
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:36,159
Speaker 2: us would say, well wait it out until they're finished

338
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:42,600
Speaker 2: with their cancer treatment, if that relationship is not serving

339
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:50,359
Speaker 2: you or the other person, don't stay out of obligation. Yeah,

340
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:54,320
Speaker 2: And I know that's a controversial statement, particularly when it

341
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:58,240
Speaker 2: comes to somebody being dealing with cancer. I know that's

342
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:03,920
Speaker 2: a controversial statement. And and how many people are in

343
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:09,120
Speaker 2: relationships right now out of obligation and they are.

344
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:13,480
Speaker 1: Miserable, miserable, And you only have one of these particular

345
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,840
Speaker 1: like this particular life, you only live this particular life

346
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:19,000
Speaker 1: one time, and so I think that one other grounding

347
00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:21,800
Speaker 1: reminder before we dive into the conversation is like, you

348
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,600
Speaker 1: need to put you first by all means necessary, to

349
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:28,879
Speaker 1: put you your needs. And yeah, put you first, because

350
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,560
Speaker 1: you can't pour it from an empty cup. If you're

351
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,600
Speaker 1: miserable and you hate your life and you're not happy,

352
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,600
Speaker 1: how are you going to show up fully as a

353
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,560
Speaker 1: as a parent, right as a friend and all those

354
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,919
Speaker 1: things awful them? And I don't This is probably a

355
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,640
Speaker 1: conversation for another day, but I think there's a way

356
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,159
Speaker 1: that you can support someone and still not be with

357
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,719
Speaker 1: them romantically, Like right, I know you're not saying just

358
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:50,720
Speaker 1: like lead the person high and job like oh okay,

359
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:52,919
Speaker 1: you're sick, I'm out. But if you feel like the

360
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,160
Speaker 1: relationship was already going down that path, there are ways

361
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:58,160
Speaker 1: to navigate it. And maybe that's a conversation an episode lady,

362
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,359
Speaker 1: that we can flesh out for another day, because it

363
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:01,600
Speaker 1: is important as well.

364
00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:06,240
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, all right, see, so are we ready to

365
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:11,399
Speaker 2: talk about the girl? This step by step guide on

366
00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:15,080
Speaker 2: I'm going to break up gratefully, Like I could do

367
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:19,960
Speaker 2: this with some empathy and some compassion and some love

368
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:23,480
Speaker 2: for yourself and love and respect for yourself and the

369
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,520
Speaker 2: other person. Yeah.

370
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:29,240
Speaker 1: Absolutely, let's do it, y'all. So Number one is prepare,

371
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,960
Speaker 1: reflect before reacting, and know your why. And this is

372
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,359
Speaker 1: not even to say that you're going to share the

373
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,120
Speaker 1: full why with the other person, but I think it's

374
00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:40,120
Speaker 1: so important to get clear on where you are, how

375
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,320
Speaker 1: you feel, why does this relationship no longer serve you?

376
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:43,680
Speaker 2: Right?

377
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,240
Speaker 1: Like what the questions that we asked and the soulful

378
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,560
Speaker 1: connection check in those two questions, like the teaser questions

379
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:50,919
Speaker 1: we shared, those are great questions to ask yourself, But

380
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,080
Speaker 1: ideally you would get the whole check in and ask

381
00:22:53,119 --> 00:22:56,560
Speaker 1: yourself all the questions, flesh them out, be intentional, and

382
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,960
Speaker 1: reflect on the reasons behind your decision so that you

383
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,879
Speaker 1: can be at peace with what's going on. I had

384
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,600
Speaker 1: a friend a couple years ago who was about to

385
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,840
Speaker 1: marry this guy, and she kept calling me and she

386
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,200
Speaker 1: was asking me like, I don't know if I should

387
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,439
Speaker 1: do this, Like what do you think about this scenaria?

388
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,639
Speaker 1: And she was asking these questions and I couldn't give

389
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:15,399
Speaker 1: her an answer, but I just told her, like, it

390
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:17,760
Speaker 1: says a lot that you are coming to me with

391
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:19,960
Speaker 1: these questions before you're about to make this big decision.

392
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,479
Speaker 1: And I'm so proud of her because she ended up

393
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,760
Speaker 1: not going through with it, and it would have she

394
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,280
Speaker 1: dodged a bullet. Long story short, but like when you

395
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:29,959
Speaker 1: have these questions coming up, when you think about how

396
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,919
Speaker 1: your body is feeling, reflect on that, journal about that,

397
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,359
Speaker 1: and think about the impact that this is going to

398
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:39,119
Speaker 1: have on your life if you stay, and also if

399
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,600
Speaker 1: you decide to leave, right, because there are always we

400
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,520
Speaker 1: always have options and choice, and so think about that,

401
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:46,360
Speaker 1: what's the real reason that you want to end this?

402
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,359
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think that's important to know the real

403
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:57,880
Speaker 2: reason because there are times when we might be upset

404
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:04,359
Speaker 2: with our partner, or we might be going through a

405
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:09,679
Speaker 2: rough patch with another family member or work, and so

406
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,840
Speaker 2: it truly is important to know your why. I know

407
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:16,480
Speaker 2: that oftentimes when people have big things happening in their

408
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:20,200
Speaker 2: life outside of their relationships, that has a huge impact

409
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:24,240
Speaker 2: on the relationship itself. And there are certain there tend

410
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:28,679
Speaker 2: to be certain big life changes that cause people to

411
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,680
Speaker 2: question things in the world around them. Right, So, for instance,

412
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:37,959
Speaker 2: someone close to you dies, that can cause people to

413
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:42,760
Speaker 2: put question a lot of things of what's happening around them,

414
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:47,520
Speaker 2: and that might lead to you saying, oh, I don't

415
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:53,760
Speaker 2: need this relationship anymore. Yeah, when really that's not the

416
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:58,360
Speaker 2: decision you need to be making right now. That perhaps

417
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:02,000
Speaker 2: there are some other things that are going on that

418
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:07,080
Speaker 2: need to be addressed, but it is not worth ending

419
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:12,360
Speaker 2: the relationship over and so you really want to truly

420
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:19,600
Speaker 2: sit down and reflect on why is this relationship needing

421
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,719
Speaker 2: to come to an end? So then that takes us

422
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:26,400
Speaker 2: to number two. So you are very you are very

423
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:32,760
Speaker 2: clear on why the relationship needs to end, and you're

424
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:36,439
Speaker 2: ready to do it all right, So let's pick the

425
00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:44,240
Speaker 2: right setting. Okay, you want a private, calm environment if

426
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,600
Speaker 2: you're choosing to do this in person. Right, we're making

427
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:52,359
Speaker 2: the assumption that we're going to take the higher self

428
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:57,399
Speaker 2: approach that is feasible, which is to end the relationship

429
00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:00,560
Speaker 2: in person. We understand the the are accepts, and there

430
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:05,320
Speaker 2: are things that there There might be circumstances where it

431
00:26:05,359 --> 00:26:10,600
Speaker 2: doesn't warrant meeting in person. So let's say you're dating

432
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:14,399
Speaker 2: right on, like on an app, like you're interacting with

433
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:17,959
Speaker 2: people on a dating app. You've never met this person

434
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:21,840
Speaker 2: in person, yet it doesn't warrant an in person meeting

435
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:25,960
Speaker 2: to say we're ending this. If your only method of

436
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:32,439
Speaker 2: communication has been messaging, then that's how you can end

437
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:38,080
Speaker 2: the relationship. If so, for this stef this is specifically

438
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:44,080
Speaker 2: for your doing this in person, right. You want a private,

439
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:48,320
Speaker 2: calm environment, but also be mindful that this is a

440
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,239
Speaker 2: heavy conversation. Whether we want to acknowledge that or not,

441
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:57,199
Speaker 2: this is a heavy conversation, and so you want to

442
00:26:57,359 --> 00:27:01,879
Speaker 2: also make sure that the environment that you choose is

443
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:07,119
Speaker 2: one in which your partner would actually be most comfortable in,

444
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:14,960
Speaker 2: not necessarily you, because you're the one who's ending the relationship,

445
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:19,320
Speaker 2: you are clear on what's happening here. Because you are

446
00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:23,960
Speaker 2: bringing something so heavy to another person, you want to

447
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,320
Speaker 2: make sure that this is an environment that they will

448
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:31,199
Speaker 2: feel comfortable in, but also making sure that it's an

449
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:38,840
Speaker 2: environment where you feel safe. So ideally, under the assumption

450
00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:41,439
Speaker 2: that you all don't share a home, don't share a

451
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:46,439
Speaker 2: living situation, pick their living situation, but be clear with

452
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:52,920
Speaker 2: yourself of like, what's your plan to leave out if

453
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:57,639
Speaker 2: unforeseen circumstances happen and you no longer feel safe, what

454
00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:02,400
Speaker 2: is your exit strategy? Right, So it feels like it's

455
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:06,879
Speaker 2: a lot to think through. But this is an important

456
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,600
Speaker 2: conversation and so you want to handle it with care.

457
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,560
Speaker 1: Okay. Let me just say, listening to you share off

458
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:15,639
Speaker 1: this time, I feel like I had a little some

459
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:18,480
Speaker 1: flashbacks and a little bit of anxiety. I think that

460
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,240
Speaker 1: I think that most of the points we definitely are

461
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:24,960
Speaker 1: in an agreement on I do want to say I

462
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:27,280
Speaker 1: think in general, just because you never know like how

463
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,359
Speaker 1: people are going to take news like this, my preference

464
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:33,640
Speaker 1: is to kind of plant a seed so that it's

465
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:36,200
Speaker 1: not and again this might be me like caring a lot,

466
00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:39,480
Speaker 1: but so that it's not yes, coming out of left field.

467
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:41,040
Speaker 1: So it's like, hey, I just want to touch base

468
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:42,600
Speaker 1: with you to let you know I want to talk

469
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:45,080
Speaker 1: to you about something, and kind of like schedule it,

470
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:46,440
Speaker 1: like I want to talk to you about something at

471
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:48,640
Speaker 1: this time, right. So because usually when you let someone

472
00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:51,920
Speaker 1: know you want to talk, they're like, okay, their spidy

473
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:56,160
Speaker 1: senses might be going off. I do prefer for like

474
00:28:56,280 --> 00:28:59,280
Speaker 1: my dating situations previously, like over the past two years,

475
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:03,200
Speaker 1: I prefer or a phone call, so like texting about

476
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:06,560
Speaker 1: the meeting and then doing like a phone call. I've

477
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:09,080
Speaker 1: done FaceTime as well, but I think for me the

478
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,160
Speaker 1: phone calls better. So that way, if you have a

479
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:14,040
Speaker 1: script or you have talking points, you can stay focused.

480
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:17,200
Speaker 1: And sometimes things can get awkward if you're on FaceTime

481
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:21,960
Speaker 1: for like a situation like a marriage, that type of situation,

482
00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,800
Speaker 1: if you feel safe and you consider the person's emotions

483
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:28,120
Speaker 1: their emotional state in general, and again your safety is important.

484
00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:29,560
Speaker 1: So if you feel like you know what, I'm going

485
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:31,719
Speaker 1: to do a phone call for every situation, you do that,

486
00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:35,280
Speaker 1: like sometimes yeah, you just never know because people take things.

487
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:38,240
Speaker 1: You just never People act differently when these types of

488
00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:41,040
Speaker 1: conversations come up, So in that situation. I've been in

489
00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:43,960
Speaker 1: situations where I have done it in person and it

490
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:45,640
Speaker 1: can be a lot. You know, it can be a lot.

491
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:47,960
Speaker 1: You never know how someone can respond. They might want

492
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,440
Speaker 1: to try to like low key, hold you hostage, like

493
00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:53,480
Speaker 1: keep you in the situation, or have an emotional outburst.

494
00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:56,080
Speaker 1: So sometimes you may want to actually avoid a public

495
00:29:56,080 --> 00:29:59,320
Speaker 1: place because like you were saying, it may be comfortable

496
00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:01,520
Speaker 1: for you, but then they other person may have an

497
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,320
Speaker 1: outburst and then it may cause attention and you want

498
00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:07,280
Speaker 1: that private space. I think that therapy could also be

499
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:08,800
Speaker 1: a good option if you want to bring it up

500
00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:11,240
Speaker 1: in a therapy session where you have that support and

501
00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:14,080
Speaker 1: it's more like a neutral location for the conversation.

502
00:30:14,200 --> 00:30:17,960
Speaker 2: So I think, oh, one caveat with that from a

503
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:23,160
Speaker 2: therapist perspective. One caveat with that is that needs to

504
00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:26,520
Speaker 2: be a conversation that you've had already with your therapist

505
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:29,600
Speaker 2: was already in agreement with that? Please? Yes, because I've

506
00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,520
Speaker 2: had situations where me will have said I want to

507
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:38,480
Speaker 2: bring my partner in and as a therapist, I have

508
00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:41,880
Speaker 2: no idea they're bringing this person in to break up

509
00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:49,040
Speaker 2: in the session. Yes, So make sure that your therapist

510
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 2: is aware. Did I know that the relationship was rocky rocks? Yes?

511
00:30:56,560 --> 00:31:00,239
Speaker 2: Did I expect that it was going to be in

512
00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:04,120
Speaker 2: this very moment we're breaking up? No? Now, I was

513
00:31:04,160 --> 00:31:09,400
Speaker 2: able to I was able to adjust us. Right, That's

514
00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:14,640
Speaker 2: that's my oneasy. If you were using the session too

515
00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:19,280
Speaker 2: in the relationship, make sure your therapist is aware that

516
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:20,120
Speaker 2: that's what's happening.

517
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:22,680
Speaker 1: Yes, Pa, that's a good point. No, I thank you

518
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:24,880
Speaker 1: for bringing that, adob Absolutely, please do that. And lady

519
00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:28,959
Speaker 1: just know, like we are giving you options that you

520
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:32,120
Speaker 1: have to choose from based on your life, based on

521
00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:35,320
Speaker 1: your current situation. You know your situation best. So just

522
00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:37,200
Speaker 1: kind of take a look at our options and choose

523
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:40,520
Speaker 1: the one that you know works best for you. All right,

524
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:42,320
Speaker 1: should we get on the number three now?

525
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:43,440
Speaker 2: Yes?

526
00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:47,280
Speaker 1: Okay, so number three is be clear, but kind, don't

527
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:50,960
Speaker 1: leave mixed signals, okay, So be as direct as possible

528
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:55,160
Speaker 1: about your feelings and intentions. Vagueness can leave room for

529
00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:57,800
Speaker 1: hope or confusion, so like, oh, maybe in the future

530
00:31:58,240 --> 00:31:59,760
Speaker 1: we can get back together, and I know it's it's

531
00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:02,200
Speaker 1: easy easy to try to put those little fillers in

532
00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:04,280
Speaker 1: there because you feel bad and you know the other

533
00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:06,320
Speaker 1: person may respond a certain way. But try to avoid

534
00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:10,080
Speaker 1: language that communicates a mixed signal, right, So avoid things

535
00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:13,960
Speaker 1: like sometimes I just need space. Can make them think like, okay,

536
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:16,440
Speaker 1: once you get space and you'll be back right, or

537
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,400
Speaker 1: maybe we can work things out later. That could also

538
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:22,959
Speaker 1: be tricky. Also, I've tried to do the whole like

539
00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:25,360
Speaker 1: I was in a relationship and then we became friends

540
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:29,000
Speaker 1: with benefits that don't really usually work. So try to

541
00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:31,920
Speaker 1: if you could stop, you could listen, all right, sy'all,

542
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:34,160
Speaker 1: make sure this turn is down because the kids might

543
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:37,280
Speaker 1: be around. If you can avoid sext and on a

544
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:39,400
Speaker 1: person in the midst of the breakup. Let me just

545
00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:41,560
Speaker 1: tell you, it makes it so complicated. I know that,

546
00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:43,600
Speaker 1: I know that many of us do that, Like when

547
00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:46,080
Speaker 1: you're in the breakup phase, you spin the block. But

548
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:48,040
Speaker 1: if you can avoid it, it might be easier because

549
00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:50,680
Speaker 1: it complicates things so much. But of course we all

550
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:52,880
Speaker 1: have our own experiences, so do what you think is best,

551
00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:55,440
Speaker 1: but that ends up usually not being the best. And

552
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:58,600
Speaker 1: then be prepared for an emotional reaction, right, and don't

553
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:00,440
Speaker 1: feel the need to make promises you can keep.

554
00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:05,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think yes, I think it's very important to

555
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:11,800
Speaker 2: be to be direct yeah, and not leaving room or

556
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:19,600
Speaker 2: any vagueness or what if or no, be very be

557
00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:26,360
Speaker 2: very clear in the statements that you make, like I I,

558
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 2: And this will take us into our next giff of

559
00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:33,840
Speaker 2: owning your feelings and using eye statements and not blaming

560
00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:40,120
Speaker 2: the other person. So you're saying, I am no longer

561
00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:47,120
Speaker 2: happy with this relationship. I no longer feel like we

562
00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:52,959
Speaker 2: are in alignment. It would be best for me to

563
00:33:53,400 --> 00:34:01,800
Speaker 2: end this relationship. Ending this relationship means that, and you

564
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:05,600
Speaker 2: state what it means. So as we were preparing for

565
00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:10,200
Speaker 2: this episode, I was like, well, I was like, that

566
00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:14,040
Speaker 2: means no contact, we're not speaking for at least six months,

567
00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:17,520
Speaker 2: like no contact, no social media, knows nothing. And then

568
00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:21,480
Speaker 2: Terry gently reminded me that, like, well, that's from the

569
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,640
Speaker 2: perspective of if you don't have any kids involved, if

570
00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:27,960
Speaker 2: you don't have a business, if there aren't other things

571
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:33,759
Speaker 2: that are keeping you all connected, and so if there

572
00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:39,200
Speaker 2: are things that are keeping you connected, be clear on

573
00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:44,520
Speaker 2: what these things are going to look like, how you

574
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:50,120
Speaker 2: would like to move forward. And so within tip number four,

575
00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:53,880
Speaker 2: again owning your feelings and using eye statements, not blaming.

576
00:34:55,400 --> 00:35:03,600
Speaker 2: I no longer feel the connection and I once felt Yeah,

577
00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:09,839
Speaker 2: I no longer feel that we are in alignment. I

578
00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:17,319
Speaker 2: have changed and this relationship no longer fits with the

579
00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:18,879
Speaker 2: changes I have made.

580
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:22,160
Speaker 1: I love those Tom, and I also want to talk

581
00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:25,520
Speaker 1: a bit about just what to be prepared for by

582
00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:27,719
Speaker 1: way of responses, because people respond in various ways, and

583
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:29,960
Speaker 1: a lot of times in my experience there's been a

584
00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:33,080
Speaker 1: bit of manipulation. People may not know how to respond.

585
00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:36,080
Speaker 1: But I want to emphasize, reemphasize something I'm shared. This

586
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,879
Speaker 1: is not the time to go over the laundry list

587
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:41,799
Speaker 1: of things that didn't work out in the relationship. Oh

588
00:35:41,840 --> 00:35:44,160
Speaker 1: on this date, you did this and do that because

589
00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:46,000
Speaker 1: it's over, Like, there's no need to do that, right,

590
00:35:46,400 --> 00:35:48,399
Speaker 1: And even if the person is asking for all that,

591
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:50,799
Speaker 1: it is okay for you. We're going to we jump

592
00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:52,080
Speaker 1: up the head a little bit. It's okay for you

593
00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:53,880
Speaker 1: to set boundari. We're gonna talk about boundies in a bit.

594
00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:57,520
Speaker 1: But it's okay for you to not answer certain questions.

595
00:35:57,600 --> 00:35:57,759
Speaker 2: Right.

596
00:35:57,800 --> 00:35:59,919
Speaker 1: There are some questions dom you might have a there

597
00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:02,319
Speaker 1: there might be like a therapeutic word for this. But

598
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:05,680
Speaker 1: when there's someone sort of asks you a gotcha question, right,

599
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:07,640
Speaker 1: So I've heard things like, so are you saying that

600
00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:10,719
Speaker 1: none of what we had wasn't real? That's not a

601
00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:12,839
Speaker 1: question that I'm able to answer. What I'm telling you

602
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:14,960
Speaker 1: is this right here? Because sometimes they try to get

603
00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:17,840
Speaker 1: you with the gotcha question along the conversation, when they

604
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:20,279
Speaker 1: hold your ass on the phone all day. It's like,

605
00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:23,360
Speaker 1: this is what I'm saying, and I'm not in a

606
00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:25,359
Speaker 1: place to answer that question right now, Like I don't

607
00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:26,239
Speaker 1: know how to answer that question.

608
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:29,640
Speaker 2: You. Yeah, that's when you become the broken record. M

609
00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:37,040
Speaker 2: That's when your statement is your response is it doesn't

610
00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:44,240
Speaker 2: matter At this point, I am ready to end the relationship.

611
00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:47,920
Speaker 1: Yes, And if they call you selfish, which may come

612
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,200
Speaker 1: up when they say things that are just unreasonable, you

613
00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:53,520
Speaker 1: can just say I hear exactly what you're saying. I

614
00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:56,239
Speaker 1: hear you, I hear you like that's it. And this

615
00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:58,880
Speaker 1: approach of using the I statements, this can help to

616
00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:02,000
Speaker 1: reduce the chance of triggering defensiveness and the need to

617
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:05,520
Speaker 1: explain because you're talking about your experience. You're not saying, oh, well,

618
00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:07,359
Speaker 1: you did this, and it's like, well, is the there

619
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:10,120
Speaker 1: responsible will you did this too? And we're just talking

620
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:12,320
Speaker 1: about your feelings and you are entitled to feel the

621
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:14,120
Speaker 1: way that you feel. And if something no longer works

622
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:17,160
Speaker 1: for you, that is okay, and the other thing is too.

623
00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:19,680
Speaker 1: Like this is a part of closure. You don't always

624
00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:22,239
Speaker 1: have to see someone in person fore closure. You don't

625
00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:24,720
Speaker 1: always need to try to like have sex with someone

626
00:37:24,719 --> 00:37:26,319
Speaker 1: one last time for closure, Like you don't need to

627
00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:28,000
Speaker 1: do those things. This is a part of the closure,

628
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:30,920
Speaker 1: and it should be given in a way that doesn't

629
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:35,279
Speaker 1: drag out the conversation or emotions unnecessarily. So I like

630
00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:38,000
Speaker 1: to also time block the conversation because a lot of

631
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:40,480
Speaker 1: times what happens in these situations is then they want

632
00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:42,880
Speaker 1: to hold you on the phone or on FaceTime or

633
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:45,960
Speaker 1: whatever or in the setting all night long and keep

634
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:48,360
Speaker 1: going over the same things. That's something that I've experienced

635
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:50,440
Speaker 1: quite a few times where it's like they sound like

636
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:53,120
Speaker 1: a broken record and they're trying to grasp what's happening,

637
00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:56,360
Speaker 1: keep going over it, and it's like time blocking it

638
00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:58,240
Speaker 1: before you get started, like, oh, I have an appointment

639
00:37:58,239 --> 00:38:00,200
Speaker 1: at this time to go do this thing, to have

640
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:02,400
Speaker 1: this conversation, and in that way it makes it easier

641
00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:05,440
Speaker 1: to make your exit. So I want to share that

642
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:07,960
Speaker 1: and then also say if you don't have answers to

643
00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:11,880
Speaker 1: certain questions, they ask that it's okay. Yeah, yeah, it

644
00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:14,120
Speaker 1: is okay, and you can say that.

645
00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:17,160
Speaker 2: And so then that takes us to number five.

646
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:20,880
Speaker 1: All right, number five, that must be me don all right.

647
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:26,239
Speaker 1: Number five is allowed emotion, but hold boundaries. This is

648
00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:29,000
Speaker 1: so important to remember. You don't have to fix their feelings.

649
00:38:29,120 --> 00:38:31,719
Speaker 1: I know, again, as a recovering people please are domb

650
00:38:31,719 --> 00:38:33,480
Speaker 1: I'm sure you probably dealt with this too as a

651
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:35,920
Speaker 1: recovering people pleaser, As someone who's very empathetic and who

652
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:38,680
Speaker 1: does not want to hurt people's feelings, sometimes it's easy

653
00:38:38,719 --> 00:38:40,319
Speaker 1: to want to fix it in the midst of you

654
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:43,400
Speaker 1: trying to end it right. And so just remember like

655
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:46,239
Speaker 1: breakups can be emotional, and that's okay. Allow the other

656
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:49,000
Speaker 1: person to express their emotions, but make sure you stay

657
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:53,719
Speaker 1: grounded in your decision and try not to have them

658
00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:55,799
Speaker 1: loop you back in. I know that's easier said than done.

659
00:38:55,840 --> 00:38:58,080
Speaker 1: But one of the patterns that I used to have

660
00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:00,279
Speaker 1: in these breakup situations, which is like a tell tell

661
00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:02,400
Speaker 1: sign that I should not have been in the connection,

662
00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:05,600
Speaker 1: is that I would be I find myself having tried

663
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,719
Speaker 1: to break up with the person multiple times, and it's like,

664
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,280
Speaker 1: once you do it one time, it's probably that probably

665
00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:14,279
Speaker 1: means that that's your body, that's your gut telling you that,

666
00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:15,960
Speaker 1: you know what, this is not a good fit. And

667
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:17,959
Speaker 1: so then I end up going back and then something

668
00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:20,120
Speaker 1: else would happen and or my body would just be like, hey,

669
00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:22,719
Speaker 1: this is not for you, and I do it again.

670
00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:25,479
Speaker 1: So really listen to your body. Allow the other person

671
00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:27,520
Speaker 1: to feel how they feel. It's natural for them to

672
00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:30,480
Speaker 1: feel hurt, confused, or even angry, but you don't have

673
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:33,279
Speaker 1: to carry their emotions. Those are their emotions that they

674
00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:35,560
Speaker 1: need to figure out how to manage and work through

675
00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:38,600
Speaker 1: within their process. So hopefully they have a therapist or

676
00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:42,200
Speaker 1: someone they can go to work through those emotions. But

677
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:45,560
Speaker 1: be sure to maintain your boundaries while offering empathy and

678
00:39:45,719 --> 00:39:49,279
Speaker 1: understanding without taking on that emotional burden. And I will

679
00:39:49,280 --> 00:39:52,560
Speaker 1: tell you one of the most challenging breakups has definitely

680
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:55,319
Speaker 1: been a divorce when there is a child involved and

681
00:39:55,480 --> 00:40:00,320
Speaker 1: where there is a situation where you have to maintainnnection

682
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:02,680
Speaker 1: with the person and co parenting is a real thing,

683
00:40:02,719 --> 00:40:06,440
Speaker 1: and ensuring that you have a safe and loving environment

684
00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:09,359
Speaker 1: for the child that's involved. It's so challenging, but it

685
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:12,759
Speaker 1: can be done with care, intentionality, and support. So I

686
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:15,600
Speaker 1: am so thankful for my therapist. My support system will

687
00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:17,960
Speaker 1: help me navigate that. But it is possible.

688
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:22,560
Speaker 2: So just know that, yes, it truly is possible, and

689
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:27,279
Speaker 2: I think it's It is important to acknowledge the of

690
00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:31,160
Speaker 2: the person's feelings, validate their feelings, but.

691
00:40:31,239 --> 00:40:32,799
Speaker 1: Don't say, don't apologize, right.

692
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:39,160
Speaker 2: Don exactly you can validate somebody's feelings with without taking

693
00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:42,879
Speaker 2: it on or taking responsibility for their feelings. You can

694
00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:49,480
Speaker 2: say I can understand why you're angry, or I can

695
00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:54,279
Speaker 2: see why you're hurt, that doesn't change that I that

696
00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:58,520
Speaker 2: doesn't change the fact that I want to end this relationship.

697
00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:02,319
Speaker 1: I have a question for you what you do and

698
00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:04,320
Speaker 1: those what would you recommend in those situations? And you

699
00:41:04,360 --> 00:41:06,920
Speaker 1: probably know exactly what I'm talking about. Where the person

700
00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:09,120
Speaker 1: is like, so you're just gonna hurt me like this,

701
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,279
Speaker 1: Like they ask those types of questions where it's like

702
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:14,719
Speaker 1: you you are damned if you do, damned if you don't,

703
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:16,319
Speaker 1: where it's like, oh, so you just give you this

704
00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:17,279
Speaker 1: to me, Uh huh.

705
00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:20,120
Speaker 2: You hold farm in that bound in your boundaries, and

706
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:23,440
Speaker 2: you hold farm in your decision, and you say, I

707
00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:28,480
Speaker 2: am very clear that this relationship needs to end. I

708
00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:32,400
Speaker 2: can understand that you're hurt. That doesn't change that this

709
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:38,719
Speaker 2: relationship needs to end. And you keep you become the

710
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:43,160
Speaker 2: broken record. I am clear that this relationship needs to end.

711
00:41:44,239 --> 00:41:47,960
Speaker 2: And so you that, And that's holding that boundary right,

712
00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:50,920
Speaker 2: and that's being clear that you don't have to fix

713
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:55,160
Speaker 2: their feeling. That they are allowed to feel whatever it

714
00:41:55,239 --> 00:41:59,960
Speaker 2: is that they're feeling, but you aren't responsible for fixed

715
00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:04,719
Speaker 2: their feeling. So then that takes us to our last tip,

716
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:12,040
Speaker 2: make a clean break. Don't drag it out. So I

717
00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:18,399
Speaker 2: know team you mentioned before of ending it. Maybe they

718
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:21,560
Speaker 2: give a stob story, or maybe they say I'm gonna

719
00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:25,760
Speaker 2: fix I'm gonna change X y Z behaviors or whatever

720
00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:29,600
Speaker 2: that thing is. Maybe they offer you some good staff.

721
00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:35,520
Speaker 2: Whatever that thing is that pulls you back in, you

722
00:42:35,680 --> 00:42:41,200
Speaker 2: find yourself in this cycle. So one way to prevent

723
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:46,240
Speaker 2: that from happening is to just be very clear, and

724
00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:49,520
Speaker 2: this is it. This is done, no more, that's it,

725
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:54,600
Speaker 2: that's all. There's no room for let's revisit this in

726
00:42:56,000 --> 00:43:03,840
Speaker 2: two weeks, three months. There's no revisiting because if you've

727
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:07,160
Speaker 2: gotten to number six, where you're making a clean break,

728
00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:11,839
Speaker 2: that means that you have already done step one and

729
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:16,160
Speaker 2: have reflected on why this relationship meets in. That's why

730
00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:19,920
Speaker 2: we have you start with that, because if you are

731
00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:25,040
Speaker 2: very clear on your why, there is no need to

732
00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:33,800
Speaker 2: drag it out. You can end it right there. And lady,

733
00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:37,040
Speaker 2: if you are going through a separation or divorce like

734
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:41,800
Speaker 2: that's this is that point where you make it clear.

735
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:45,960
Speaker 2: You all can discuss what the next steps need to be.

736
00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:49,799
Speaker 2: But the thing that you were clear on is that

737
00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:51,120
Speaker 2: this relationship is ending.

738
00:43:52,360 --> 00:43:56,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you know, so, don we talked about something

739
00:43:56,080 --> 00:43:58,080
Speaker 1: before we hit record, and I just wanted to circle

740
00:43:58,120 --> 00:44:00,600
Speaker 1: back to it, and I find that one thing that

741
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:03,560
Speaker 1: I'm doing now and I done slowed down with the dating.

742
00:44:03,719 --> 00:44:06,719
Speaker 1: I'm focused right now. But one thing I've done is

743
00:44:06,840 --> 00:44:11,000
Speaker 1: when I see red flag, you're funny, but I see

744
00:44:11,040 --> 00:44:14,160
Speaker 1: red flags. Y'all got to watch the video to see

745
00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:17,000
Speaker 1: our facial expressions. Okay, so go to Patreon and watch

746
00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:19,640
Speaker 1: the video of the episode. But when I see red flags,

747
00:44:19,719 --> 00:44:22,840
Speaker 1: now my body gives me a sign. I end shit quick.

748
00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:24,920
Speaker 1: And I used to just like, oh well, let me

749
00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:27,319
Speaker 1: see what's going to happen. So recently, I've talked about

750
00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:29,520
Speaker 1: this in a previous episode. I had a two nightstand

751
00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:32,080
Speaker 1: and I could not put my finger on what it

752
00:44:32,360 --> 00:44:35,239
Speaker 1: was about the guy that I started talking to. But

753
00:44:35,280 --> 00:44:37,239
Speaker 1: I was just like, I'm not feeling it. So I

754
00:44:37,280 --> 00:44:40,080
Speaker 1: literally just text them and send them the off boarding text,

755
00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:43,080
Speaker 1: which now, Lady Domina are about to go overcord the

756
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:44,680
Speaker 1: after show, and what we're going to do is we're

757
00:44:44,719 --> 00:44:47,359
Speaker 1: going to do give you a few tips about five

758
00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:50,560
Speaker 1: tips on what not to do in these breakup situations.

759
00:44:50,600 --> 00:44:53,520
Speaker 1: We're going to share some templates that you can literally

760
00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:57,680
Speaker 1: copy and paste to text, email, send, through the mail.

761
00:44:57,719 --> 00:44:59,719
Speaker 1: Whatever it is your method is going to be, will

762
00:44:59,760 --> 00:45:01,560
Speaker 1: put those in there as well, and then we'll also

763
00:45:01,719 --> 00:45:05,759
Speaker 1: have the full soulful connection check in so that you

764
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:08,799
Speaker 1: can really get grounded and get clear with yourself on

765
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:11,279
Speaker 1: where you are, why you feel, how you feel, and

766
00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:13,399
Speaker 1: be empowered to make the right decisions. So make sure

767
00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:16,080
Speaker 1: you head on over to her space podcast dot com

768
00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:18,200
Speaker 1: and you can get access to all these goodies in

769
00:45:18,239 --> 00:45:21,160
Speaker 1: addition to our bonuses and other after shows and the

770
00:45:21,239 --> 00:45:26,239
Speaker 1: video content. If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of

771
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:30,279
Speaker 1: your next steps, this is for you. Hey, lady, is

772
00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:32,040
Speaker 1: Tea here and I just want to invite you to

773
00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:35,200
Speaker 1: my free goal map like a pro coaching workshop, where

774
00:45:35,239 --> 00:45:38,319
Speaker 1: I'll share the five proven steps to get unstuck and

775
00:45:38,440 --> 00:45:42,640
Speaker 1: achieve your goals. Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas,

776
00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:47,120
Speaker 1: juggling scattered ideas, or maybe you just need confidence to start,

777
00:45:47,239 --> 00:45:49,840
Speaker 1: this workshop will give you the clarity, tools and the

778
00:45:49,960 --> 00:45:52,560
Speaker 1: motivation to take back control.

779
00:45:52,800 --> 00:45:53,879
Speaker 2: Reserve your spot for.

780
00:45:53,880 --> 00:45:58,279
Speaker 1: Free by visiting her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on

781
00:45:58,320 --> 00:46:01,520
Speaker 1: the goal map like a pro webinar, Lady, don't miss

782
00:46:01,560 --> 00:46:03,359
Speaker 1: this chance to build a road map that fits your

783
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:05,600
Speaker 1: life and set you up for success. I hope to

784
00:46:05,640 --> 00:46:06,240
Speaker 1: see you there.

785
00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:12,680
Speaker 2: Thanks for tuning into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while

786
00:46:12,719 --> 00:46:17,520
Speaker 2: this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's

787
00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:21,480
Speaker 2: not a substitute for therapy. If you or someone you

788
00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:25,640
Speaker 2: know needs support, check out resources like Therapy for Black

789
00:46:25,680 --> 00:46:30,319
Speaker 2: Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do

790
00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:32,439
Speaker 2: us a favor and share it with a friend who

791
00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:36,960
Speaker 2: needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.

792
00:46:37,600 --> 00:46:40,560
Speaker 2: Your support means the world to us and helps keep

793
00:46:40,680 --> 00:46:41,760
Speaker 2: this space thriving.

794
00:46:42,320 --> 00:46:47,200
Speaker 1: And before we meet again, repeat after me. My actions

795
00:46:47,280 --> 00:46:54,960
Speaker 1: are aligned with purpose leading to continuous transformation. Keep thriving, lady,

796
00:46:55,080 --> 00:46:59,120
Speaker 1: and tune in next Friday for more inspiration from Cultivating

797
00:46:59,160 --> 00:47:02,200
Speaker 1: her Space. In the meantime, be sure to connect with

798
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:05,239
Speaker 1: us on Instagram at her Space Podcast