Speaker 1: Hey, what's up is this Charles.
Speaker 2: Ave It?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: This is the gecko guy?
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 1: What the fuck? What's up?
Speaker 2: Man? Dude? How you doing?
Speaker 1: I'm doing good? How are you?
Speaker 3: Uh? I just pulled into the liquor store. I got
Speaker 3: done grocery shopping.
Speaker 1: How what did you get?
Speaker 3: I went to Sam's Club, So just bulk stuff like
Speaker 3: paper towels and spounges and shit.
Speaker 1: How many paper towels? Uh? Came in the bulk paper
Speaker 1: towel unit that you guys?
Speaker 3: I think it's like a forty pack?
Speaker 1: Forty pack? How long do you think that'll last you?
Speaker 2: A year?
Speaker 3: Probably like three months? Four months?
Speaker 1: Yeah? What are you using all those paper towels on?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 3: I mean my girlfriend has a really bad habit spilling stuff,
Speaker 3: so instead of dirty and rags, she just likes to
Speaker 3: grab paper towels.
Speaker 1: Do you think the onus of environmental conservation is on
Speaker 1: the people or or on like the governments and the corporations.
Speaker 3: I'm not a big paper towel person, but she needs them,
Speaker 3: so that's why I get them. Same with paper plates.
Speaker 3: I come home and there's paper plates in the cupboard
Speaker 3: all the time.
Speaker 1: Yeah. No, I agree with that perspective. Anyway, Charles, your
Speaker 1: name is Yeah, what's up?
Speaker 2: Man? What I know?
Speaker 3: So crazy? I've been listening to you for like since
Speaker 3: the pandemic. I got into you, and then I showed
Speaker 3: you to my girlfriend and she listens to you every
Speaker 3: time you post a new one on her way to
Speaker 3: work because she works down she like works an hour
Speaker 3: away from where we live.
Speaker 1: Cool. Well, what does she do?
Speaker 3: She's like a Whole Foods like manager person. She works
Speaker 3: at Whole Foods.
Speaker 1: Does she come home a lot with like stories of
Speaker 1: like people being shitty to her at Whole Foods?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 3: Yeah, A bunch of like homeless people too, because it's
Speaker 3: like right downtown, a bunch of homeless people that like
Speaker 3: make shit all over the toilet seats and everything. It's
Speaker 3: pretty gross me and customers. I hear that all the time.
Speaker 3: Also famous Beeple too tranded, Charlie Day not too long ago?
Speaker 1: Really?
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Speaker 1: Are you guys in Los Angeles?
Speaker 3: No, man, we're in Utah? Oh yeah, what.
Speaker 1: Are all these famous people doing in Utah?
Speaker 3: So surprisingly, there's like quite a bit of films I
Speaker 3: get filmed around like Salt Lake and and like the
Speaker 3: mountains and stuff, and like downtown like towards Provo, and
Speaker 3: a lot of Ogden, like Ogden's where we're from, and
Speaker 3: like Halloween's been filmed up here. Like, uh, there's this
Speaker 3: Chivy Chase movie that was also filmed up here. Like
Speaker 3: a bunch of older like eighties and like mid nineties
Speaker 3: movies were filmed in Augden. Dumb and Dumber was filmed
Speaker 3: in Ogden and in Salt Lake.
Speaker 1: Charles, you sent me a bunch of texts? Can I
Speaker 1: read a few of them? Is that?
Speaker 3: Okay? Yeah, that's cool.
Speaker 1: Oh, some of them are a little uh, some of
Speaker 1: them are at least a year old. But I'll bring Yeah, dude.
Speaker 3: I've been trying to I've been I downloaded Twitch so
Speaker 3: I could like get your messages and then like I
Speaker 3: was sitting watching that, I'll call and I'll message. So
Speaker 3: this is actually kind of crazy, man, like not gonna lie.
Speaker 1: Okay, you know, I'm gonna I'll just start going through
Speaker 1: the list because there's a lot of stuff here. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: first when you text me, was I stuck a knife
Speaker 1: four inches into my chest last year?
Speaker 3: Yeah? That did happen?
Speaker 1: Well, what was up with that?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 3: Let me go through the thought process of it all.
Speaker 3: So I was in a really bad place in life,
Speaker 3: and I was a severe, severe alcoholic, Like I like
Speaker 3: to have a drink every now and then, like it's
Speaker 3: the weekend, you know, So yeah, I like to have
Speaker 3: a little bit of whiskey here in there. But I
Speaker 3: was in a really abusive relationship with my ex and
Speaker 3: she like beat the shit out of me and just
Speaker 3: kind of treated me like absolute shit. And I hit
Speaker 3: a one night there was just like the straw that
Speaker 3: broke the camel's back. I had a drink like a
Speaker 3: whole handle a jim Beam, and then like half a
Speaker 3: big bottle of Nadrill, And I remember laying on the
Speaker 3: couch and just grabbed the knife and I just kind
Speaker 3: of like I held it and then just stuck it
Speaker 3: deep into my chest. I got a giant hole like
Speaker 3: where it is like when I flexed my peck like
Speaker 3: an indentse And yeah, I woke up in the ICU.
Speaker 3: I remember seeing this old lady like telling me I
Speaker 3: can't leave, and I kept telling her to fuck off,
Speaker 3: and she's like, no, you can't leave.
Speaker 2: I was like fuck you.
Speaker 3: And then yeah, I woke up in the ICU with
Speaker 3: I got a big zipper from my belly button into
Speaker 3: my pubiccare from like they had to go there and
Speaker 3: I got a big scar on my back where they
Speaker 3: had to take a piece of my lung out everything.
Speaker 3: It was. It's pretty gnarly.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I got a great girlfriend now though, she's very supportive
Speaker 3: and loving and wonderful person.
Speaker 1: So you were drunk. So you were drunk and four
Speaker 1: inches is no fucking joke. I mean that's really that's
Speaker 1: in you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it was.
Speaker 3: I punctured my diaphragm and like it was. It was
Speaker 3: pretty I mean, it's a giant invent in my chest. Man.
Speaker 1: And you woke up in the end, so somebody called, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was my ex and do you still have? Like
Speaker 1: this was okay, So this was two years ago then,
Speaker 1: because you sent me the text to you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, this was almost going on you almost going on
Speaker 3: three years?
Speaker 1: Do you uh do you still have? I mean, I
Speaker 1: know you still have the hole in your chest? Do
Speaker 1: you are there any other like lasting things?
Speaker 3: I'm like kind of like I wouldn't say paralyzed, but
Speaker 3: you know that feeling like when you sit on your
Speaker 3: hands for too long or something and it goes asleep
Speaker 3: and sal keenly. Yeah, that effect is still kind of
Speaker 3: like underneath my bicep and like my peck and everything,
Speaker 3: and it's like super sensitive to touch. Like my girlfriend
Speaker 3: will be like laying on me and then like touch
Speaker 3: it and it kind of like gives me a little jolty,
Speaker 3: going m hm.
Speaker 1: You sound like you're you're doing better now than you
Speaker 1: were when you did that.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, wonderful. Man, I'm kicking ass. I've been at
Speaker 3: my job for like five years now. I mean me
Speaker 3: and this girl, my new girl. Uh, we've been together
Speaker 3: about we're celebrating our two year anniversary coming up here
Speaker 3: like next week.
Speaker 2: So that's dope. Cool.
Speaker 3: We've been trying to do all the fall stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so crazy.
Speaker 3: I'm on the phone with the gek dude.
Speaker 2: What's it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you got you guys just like you guys go
Speaker 1: to like the pumpkin patch and shit.
Speaker 3: Uh, she wants to go hit up a haunted house
Speaker 3: tomorrow because we got them local and like corn mazes
Speaker 3: and shit.
Speaker 1: That's cool. How old is your girlfriend?
Speaker 3: She's thirty one and got to be thirty two next months.
Speaker 3: So early birthdays and I'm I'm I had thirty four.
Speaker 3: I turned thirty five in May. When did you a
Speaker 3: little older than most of the people out here on here?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like that. I feel like there's a
Speaker 1: solid eighteen to forty.
Speaker 3: Range going on, that's true.
Speaker 1: When did you meet your girlfriend?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: Where'd you meet her?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 3: I met her on Hinge?
Speaker 1: Actually that's cool. I'm yeah, go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 3: Oh no, yeah.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 3: She's originally from San Jose and she had moved out
Speaker 3: here because she like was dating some dude and then
Speaker 3: she moved out to like Salt Lake to be with him.
Speaker 3: And then I guess he turned out to be a
Speaker 3: total dirtbag and was kind of a piece of shit.
Speaker 3: And then I was just I wasn't dating women for
Speaker 3: a while after all that whole thing with my ex happened.
Speaker 3: I was kind of like, you know, here and there dating,
Speaker 3: But I had came across her on Hinge and we
Speaker 3: like met and hung out and we kept doing that.
Speaker 3: And then next thing, you know, like we're sitting there
Speaker 3: talking and she's in a rough pot, like a rough patch,
Speaker 3: and I was in a little studio and she ended
Speaker 3: up hating to always stay with me, and she kind
Speaker 3: of like gracefully moved her stuff in and I was like,
Speaker 3: I'm cool with it, but I was like telling her, like,
Speaker 3: you know, I just got out of this nutty, extra
Speaker 3: like past relationship, so you know, things need to be
Speaker 3: kind of these are the ground rules of kind of
Speaker 3: how I am and everything. And she just she was
Speaker 3: always there for me and just always caring and just
Speaker 3: whatever I needed to talk like, she was there. And
Speaker 3: next thing you know, it's like we're full blown living together.
Speaker 3: And I got a bigger apartment in the same building
Speaker 3: that we lived in, and we did that for like
Speaker 3: the rest of my lease, and then just this year
Speaker 3: we moved into a new two bedroom so it's a
Speaker 3: bigger place. It's actually a lot nicer. So yeah, things
Speaker 3: are going great.
Speaker 1: Bro, that's awesome. I love this. I love I gotta
Speaker 1: say this podcast is like it's a lot of it
Speaker 1: is truly therapy for me because I'm I'm I'm I'm
Speaker 1: terrified of like being I'm like, the idea of being
Speaker 1: on hinge in my thirties just yeah, that fucking sounds awful.
Speaker 1: But it worked out. But I'm like, Okay, it worked
Speaker 1: out for you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, I feel like, I mean, I'm not to
Speaker 3: sound conceded or anything. I feel like I'm a decent
Speaker 3: looking dude. Like I'm six three, like two hundred pounds,
Speaker 3: like I got green eyes. I'm a pretty decent looking dude.
Speaker 3: I guess you could say so.
Speaker 2: But and my girlfriend's beautiful.
Speaker 3: So, like I said, not just sound conceited or anything,
Speaker 3: but like the dating apps never really scared me or anything.
Speaker 3: I'm honestly worse talking on the dating apps than I
Speaker 3: am in person. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I feel like that's probably most people.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's weird, like you don't have the more context
Speaker 3: of everything.
Speaker 1: Well, let's see. Okay, so I'm gonna keep going down
Speaker 1: the list.
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, go ahead.
Speaker 1: You texted me, Actually, you texted me all these on
Speaker 1: the same day. You said, my dog is fourteen, and
Speaker 1: I don't know how I'm gonna handle him passing away.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: We he passed away in March of this year.
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Speaker 2: Man.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that was my buddy. I got him since he
Speaker 3: was a puppy.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry.
Speaker 3: It was It was really rough, and luckily Laurna was
Speaker 3: there with me, so she u helped it with everything,
Speaker 3: and I got a nice little cedar box and he
Speaker 3: hangs out in the living room. With us all the time,
Speaker 3: so it's it's still rough. Sometimes I'll go through pictures
Speaker 3: and just like, look at all the fun times of
Speaker 3: him in the in the river and just us hanging out,
Speaker 3: and we would go to the bars together downtown and everybody,
Speaker 3: like all the patrons would just love him, and he
Speaker 3: would just love everyone there. So he was welcoming all
Speaker 3: the bars downtown.
Speaker 1: How about this? Uh, I need somebody. Then you then
Speaker 1: you texted me this three months after texting me those things.
Speaker 1: You said, I need some advice about being an adult.
Speaker 3: Oh, well, man, I'm barely remembering any of these honestly. Well,
Speaker 3: I mean, fuck, are you an adult? I don't. We
Speaker 3: don't have kids yet or anything, so I don't feel
Speaker 3: like I'm adulting adult thing. But all my bills are
Speaker 3: paid and I have a full time job and health
Speaker 3: and dental and optic like insurance, So I feel like
Speaker 3: I'm adulting enough at the moment.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm. You know, and you don't remember, Yeah, I
Speaker 1: am I an adult? No, I feel like you're not
Speaker 1: a real adult. I feel like the the level of
Speaker 1: adultness that you are is directly, in my opinion, directly
Speaker 1: proportional to the amount of things external to you that
Speaker 1: require you to exist.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean having a child is the biggest one. Like,
Speaker 3: I got two twin cousins and they're twenty four and
Speaker 3: one of them already has three children.
Speaker 1: No shit, that's crazy, that's wild.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, he's already living the dad life at twenty four.
Speaker 3: And at twenty four I was a major pothead and
Speaker 3: also kind of a drug user back in the day.
Speaker 1: So are you planning on having kids? Do you want?
Speaker 1: Is that something you want? At some point?
Speaker 3: We have talked about it, actually, you know, because we're
Speaker 3: not getting any younger, and you know, we're both set
Speaker 3: up pretty good with like our jobs and everything, and
Speaker 3: we always want to pursue better like routes and all that.
Speaker 3: But it's it's been in the it's been in the
Speaker 3: works talking about it and everything.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmmm hmm. What did you do You remember anything
Speaker 1: about what you said you needed advice on for being
Speaker 1: an adult when you sent this text?
Speaker 3: I really don't, man, It was probably just one of
Speaker 3: those like I heard you and I was just like
Speaker 3: spam texting you. Yeah, so it was probably just one
Speaker 3: of those stupid things. I don't I honestly never thought
Speaker 3: I would get a call from the get go. This
Speaker 3: is pretty nuts, man.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm gonna keep going. You said my girlfriend is
Speaker 1: a witch?
Speaker 2: What the fuck? Yeah? I don't remember any of these.
Speaker 3: Yeah, she kind of can be. This was when I
Speaker 3: took mushrooms though, I had ate like an eighthick mushrooms,
Speaker 3: and she had like came home from work and for
Speaker 3: some reason, just like her whole face kind of like
Speaker 3: kept morphing into that old witch lady from Snow White
Speaker 3: and the Seven Doors, you know what I'm talking about,
Speaker 3: with like the ward on her nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 3: she kind of kept morphing into that. So I kind
Speaker 3: of I kept calling her a witch that night. So
Speaker 3: I think this was around that time when all this
Speaker 3: was going down.
Speaker 2: Hm hmm.
Speaker 1: You seem like you got a good lie, you know, honestly,
Speaker 1: the fact that you seem like for having gotten drunk
Speaker 1: and I got when you stab when you stab yourself
Speaker 1: with the knife, were you like, were you trying to
Speaker 1: kill yourself or were you just like.
Speaker 3: I'm oh, yeah I was.
Speaker 2: I was.
Speaker 3: No, I was trying to I was trying to end it, man,
Speaker 3: like I was. I was done. But then for some reason,
Speaker 3: that old that old fucking lady. Like it was so weird,
Speaker 3: Like you know what a ches like a cheese grader,
Speaker 3: a metal cheese grad. Yeah, so you like flip it
Speaker 3: on its side and then look in it and it
Speaker 3: has all the holes and shit.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like I was.
Speaker 3: I was inside of a fucking cheese grader. And then
Speaker 3: like at the end of it was like this old
Speaker 3: lady and like a black coat and I couldn't really
Speaker 3: see her face, and she kept telling me I couldn't
Speaker 3: fucking leave and I kept saying, fuck you bitch, get
Speaker 3: me out of here. And then yeah, next again, I
Speaker 3: woke up in a nice U.
Speaker 1: So, man, I and what this You were like you
Speaker 1: were thirties, thirty one something like that.
Speaker 3: Ye, so yeah about thirty one.
Speaker 1: Yeah, man, now you're you seem like you're doing pretty well.
Speaker 1: Now you seem like you don't want to kill your No.
Speaker 3: Man, life's fucking awesome. I've always thought life is beautiful,
Speaker 3: but you know, it can it can be a bitch
Speaker 3: at times. I mean, when isn't it. It's like everyone
Speaker 3: has their problems, Like I mean, we just My mom's
Speaker 3: kind of going through a tough time right now. She's
Speaker 3: a she just got out of the ICU yesterday and
Speaker 3: we went down and saw her in Salt Lake. So
Speaker 3: she's not doing so well. So that's another worry to
Speaker 3: my adultingness, I guess.
Speaker 1: But still, I mean, you're doing you're doing uh, I
Speaker 1: mean all these things, right, I mean, you tried to
Speaker 1: kill yourself three years ago, thirty one. Now you're doing now,
Speaker 1: you seem like you're doing well. You seem like you
Speaker 1: like life. You seem like you're not near doing that again.
Speaker 1: Your dog passed away, which was I'm sure tough, but
Speaker 1: you're still but you're still here. You're still here, You're
Speaker 1: still doing it. I don't know, I'm inspired by your existence.
Speaker 1: I really this is one of the things I like
Speaker 1: doing about this show, and maybe one of the reasons
Speaker 1: people like listening to is. I don't know, I just
Speaker 1: there's something, really, there's just something reassuring about like observing
Speaker 1: a life that's been like lived and and seeing it
Speaker 1: presently just to be like, because because you know, when
Speaker 1: you're in that thing where you want to kill yourself,
Speaker 1: you really you just truly are doing it because you
Speaker 1: you you can't bro yeah, you just you just can't
Speaker 1: possibly imagine that there's a future in which you are.
Speaker 1: You don't want it to like fucking kill yourself. And
Speaker 1: so it's yeah, and it's just cool. It's cool talking
Speaker 1: to you and being like, oh, well you know you
Speaker 1: there that exists.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: It was just a whole conglomerate of things that led
Speaker 3: up to that. Like I had just gotten back from Mexico,
Speaker 3: and because I took a week vacation in Mexico, down
Speaker 3: in Guadalaa or yeah, Gudalaa or something Gudala yeah, Guadalajara,
Speaker 3: and the only ended up my job only paid me
Speaker 3: like three days of vacation pay, and I ended up
Speaker 3: flipping out and like walked out, which is the same
Speaker 3: job I'm still at. And I it's funny, I didn't
Speaker 3: ask for my job back. My boss called me literally
Speaker 3: like two days after I got out of the hospital
Speaker 3: and asked if I wanted to come back to work,
Speaker 3: and I was like, well, I got a funny story
Speaker 3: for you, but just that, and then like I didn't
Speaker 3: have a job at the moment, and I didn't want
Speaker 3: to go on unemployment and then I was drinking like
Speaker 3: a handle of whiskey a day, like and then just
Speaker 3: completely out of it, and I didn't have a car.
Speaker 3: I felt unmotivated. I felt just like a worthless piece
Speaker 3: of shit that was just like existing and just you know,
Speaker 3: like after my ex was telling me that she was
Speaker 3: fucking the neighbor and then she was fucking this dude.
Speaker 3: And I'm just drunk as fuck on whiskey. And I
Speaker 3: grabbed a big bottle of Benagerial eight half of it
Speaker 3: and then finished it with the rest of my handle
Speaker 3: and I went in and grabbed the sharpest chef knife
Speaker 3: that I have, and I just I sat there for
Speaker 3: a minute and contemplated and contemplated. I was like slashing
Speaker 3: it around my neck, so I kind of got some
Speaker 3: scars on my neck. And then after that, I just
Speaker 3: said fuck it and like I like drove it into
Speaker 3: my chest and yeah, I remember a bunch of blood
Speaker 3: coming out, and I said, I called her name, and
Speaker 3: then next thing and I like blacked out and woke
Speaker 3: up to then I see you, man, So yeah, I mean.
Speaker 1: Tried, you tried to quit. Yeah, you tried to quit
Speaker 1: your job and quit life and you're yeah, and you're
Speaker 1: and you're employed and alive.
Speaker 3: Still yeah, man, kicking ass like and I got a
Speaker 3: car now too, like and we got a cat. Our
Speaker 3: cat's pretty cool. She's an asshole to me, but she
Speaker 3: loves her mom.
Speaker 2: Man.
Speaker 1: Wait, so what's up with the drinking? Now?
Speaker 2: Are you?
Speaker 1: Are you sober? Are you still? I'm not a beer now?
Speaker 1: And then where you Atah?
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like when don't get off work, I'll crack a
Speaker 3: couple of beers. Like I'll have like two or three
Speaker 3: when I get off work because I've been working like
Speaker 3: ten twelve hour shifts for the past like two and
Speaker 3: a half months now, so it's like, yeah, you get home,
Speaker 3: I'll crack a beer and then usually on the weekends,
Speaker 3: I'll get like a little bottle of whiskey and then
Speaker 3: I'll just like kind of sip on it. Like my
Speaker 3: girlfriend got these little ice cubes. Then when you fill
Speaker 3: them up, they turned into little bulldogs. So I'll like
Speaker 3: put it in a rock glass with my bulldog ice
Speaker 3: cube and then like sip on some whiskey and watch
Speaker 3: some YouTube or podcasts, you know, listening to music.
Speaker 1: But you're not you're not getting dark with it.
Speaker 3: No, no, no, no, not anymore.
Speaker 1: That's good.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the mushrooms have really fucking been great to me
Speaker 3: as well too.
Speaker 1: Got Yeah, how often you do you do in the shrooms.
Speaker 3: I went on a bender two weekends ago where I
Speaker 3: took like, I took a couple of grams because we
Speaker 3: went to a concert and I didn't want to be
Speaker 3: all trippy trippy. And then after that I left and
Speaker 3: I went over to my homies and got more and
Speaker 3: then ate him, and then I think it was like
Speaker 3: the weekend after that, I took like seven grams and
Speaker 3: literally had an ego desk and fucking this golden fucking
Speaker 3: flying eagle thing touched my shoulder and sent me on
Speaker 3: another trip to I don't know where the fuck it was,
Speaker 3: but it was it was in lightning. M Well, yeah,
Speaker 3: I've slowed I've slowed down on it now because those
Speaker 3: batches are pretty fucking intense.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: I said this to the last caller, who I like. Okay,
Speaker 1: for purposes of context, I'm probably going to put the
Speaker 1: person I talked to before you. I'm actually gonna probably
Speaker 1: put that call after this call when I put it
Speaker 1: in the podcast.
Speaker 3: But uh oh, it's just going in the podcast.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's going away. Yeah, but it's dope.
Speaker 1: I said to him. I guess you'll hear it because
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put after this thing. But I said to
Speaker 1: him that I'm I'm a little bit more afraid of
Speaker 1: getting older than I'd like to admit. But it's I know,
Speaker 1: you're you're thirty.
Speaker 3: You're about to turn thirty five, right, yeah, thirty five?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know. I'm talking like talking to you
Speaker 1: and few and hearing like your kind of like life
Speaker 1: transformations and that you're like you're here and you're like
Speaker 1: present and living and stuff. It's like it's like calming
Speaker 1: to me in a weird way. Does that make sense?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's I mean, that's great to hear, you know.
Speaker 3: I mean, I honestly think the way that I kind
Speaker 3: of handle things lately, it's going to completely change after
Speaker 3: we do have children or a child, Like I can't
Speaker 3: be going off on the weekends and doing mushrooms and shit,
Speaker 3: you know what I mean. Like I won't say when
Speaker 3: a child gets put into the situation, I'm definitely gonna
Speaker 3: have to look at life a little differently. But I've
Speaker 3: been through so many experiences of life where like I've
Speaker 3: been homeless before, like slept on church lawns, and I've
Speaker 3: gone through like a lot of addiction issues and like
Speaker 3: obviously alcohol and heavy drugs when I was way younger,
Speaker 3: and just for some reason, man, like, all you gotta
Speaker 3: do is just I got. I got a tattoo on
Speaker 3: each one of my butt cheeks. I got a smiley
Speaker 3: face and a frownie face. So like, every time you
Speaker 3: start to have a bad daughter, a bad day, just
Speaker 3: turn the other cheek. You know what I mean as
Speaker 3: stupid is that I got that when yeah, I was
Speaker 3: I was going. I was liked it be cool to
Speaker 3: get a smiley face on one cheek and then a
Speaker 3: frownie paste on the other. So if you're ever having
Speaker 3: a bad day, do you just turn the other cheek?
Speaker 1: So what's your what's your like m O these days?
Speaker 1: What's what's next for you in life? Uh?
Speaker 3: Moving up in the company I work for is definitely
Speaker 3: on that. And then also I paint a lot. I've
Speaker 3: been on a painting kick late lately, So cool, do
Speaker 3: more paintings. Uh, hang out with a girlfriend, get outside
Speaker 3: a little more, and then yeah, just keep living.
Speaker 1: Dude, are you in Are you in Salt Lake?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 3: We're in Ogden, Oh Town?
Speaker 1: Okay? Is that it is that big city or like
Speaker 1: chill town?
Speaker 3: It's it's a decent It's better than Salt Lake.
Speaker 2: I'll say that.
Speaker 3: Everyone talks shit on Ogden because we have a dog
Speaker 3: food factory here and you can like smell it sometimes
Speaker 3: and people call the dog food town. But it's honestly,
Speaker 3: it's a pretty cool little city. Like I just moved
Speaker 3: up here like almost ten years ago. So but yeah,
Speaker 3: I love it up here. She loves it up here.
Speaker 3: We got good friends, I mean duck good jobs. Like,
Speaker 3: we got a lot of people that we can just
Speaker 3: reach out to and if you want to hang out,
Speaker 3: hang out, grab our kayaks and go to Kazi's because
Speaker 3: we got two big lakes literally like twenty minutes away
Speaker 3: from us.
Speaker 1: So and when you did the knife thing, was that
Speaker 1: the first time that you tried to kill yourself or
Speaker 1: was there other times?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that was like I've had suicidal thoughts before of
Speaker 3: like overdosing and stuff, like you know, I could just
Speaker 3: goog get some Mari whin it overdose I want, but
Speaker 3: I don't know, just I was just not in the
Speaker 3: right state of mind and some reason, it just felt
Speaker 3: like a knife was like that's what I had. It
Speaker 3: was sharp as shit, and I just wanted to end
Speaker 3: it and I felt like that would have been the
Speaker 3: quickest way to do it. But you know, here I am.
Speaker 1: Do you do you have suicidal thoughts ever? Or are
Speaker 1: they gone?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 3: No, they've been gone. I actually do see a real
Speaker 3: therapist as well.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, she's pretty cool. So yeah, I mean I've
Speaker 3: never I haven't had suicidal thoughts in a pretty long time,
Speaker 3: like ever since my girlfriend and I have been together,
Speaker 3: they've kind of been non existent.
Speaker 2: Cool.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's pretty sweet.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's been awesome. Man.
Speaker 1: What do you think?
Speaker 2: Go ahead, what do you think? No, what do you think?
Speaker 2: What was?
Speaker 1: Oh? What do you think it was?
Speaker 3: Of just the no longer suicidal tendencies? Yeah, just the
Speaker 3: fact that, I mean I have such good family and
Speaker 3: such good friends and amazing girlfriends. I mean people at
Speaker 3: my job that actually care about me. And just where
Speaker 3: we live, like we have mountains every like three sixty
Speaker 3: around here. It's like so beautiful and just believes are
Speaker 3: starting to change and like it's just life. Is it
Speaker 3: sounds corny?
Speaker 2: Dude?
Speaker 3: Life's beautiful man, Like it's not worth you know, it's
Speaker 3: not your time when it's not your time?
Speaker 2: So cool?
Speaker 3: I like that.
Speaker 1: Thanks for thanks for sharing this with me, Charles, thanks
Speaker 1: for for this talk. This was cool. I liked to
Speaker 1: talking to you about this.
Speaker 3: No, I appreciate you calling me man. Like I said,
Speaker 3: I've been listening to you since around the pandemic. I
Speaker 3: came across to you, and I listened to you when
Speaker 3: I'm at work too, like I'll put on some of
Speaker 3: your episodes, and that dude with the Hurst honestly pretty dope.
Speaker 3: That yeah, that sounds sick. And then also the train
Speaker 3: hopping guy, big inspiration. That guy is. He's a tough one.
Speaker 1: That guy is, he's a bonified GAK legends.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that dude's a tough one.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's a bonified GAK legend. I'm getting, like, you know,
Speaker 1: text from people I know being like, oh I listened
Speaker 1: to that one.
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, that that one really sucks. So that was
Speaker 3: a wholeheartedly great conversation.
Speaker 1: Well ship, I'm glad. You know I say this too much,
Speaker 1: but yeah, five years of doing this podcast, I'm glad
Speaker 1: to still be having good calls like this one. So
Speaker 1: I appreciate you sharing your story with me. Yeah, Charles,
Speaker 1: is anything else you want to you want to say
Speaker 1: to the people the computer before we.
Speaker 3: Go, No, just keep your head up, man, you know
Speaker 3: you got this ship even though it seems tough.
Speaker 2: You got it.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Charles, you ever go on?
Speaker 3: Yeah, use one man?
Speaker 1: That was Charles. I liked Charles. I like, you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: Sometimes it feels like I don't I'm just I don't know.
Speaker 1: I just like being candid. But sometimes it feels like
Speaker 1: kind of it feels difficult to like do this show.
Speaker 1: It feels like there's like an oil and it feels
Speaker 1: like oil and water. And then sometimes it just feels
Speaker 1: like it feels really natural and good and I'm like
Speaker 1: inspired by it still to this day, I don't know.
Speaker 1: This is like an I have like a nihilistic uh
Speaker 1: uh uh pressure in my mind that tells me things
Speaker 1: like all war like all conversations have already been ad
Speaker 1: or whatever. But I'm still finding I'm finding a lot
Speaker 1: of inspiragenum being genuine. I'm finding a lot of inspiration
Speaker 1: out of the people, uh that I'm talking to on
Speaker 1: here still, and that's that's good. I you know, I
Speaker 1: hope people listening are too. Hello, what's up man? This
Speaker 1: is uh the Gecko guy.
Speaker 2: Hey, Gecko guy, Lyle, what's uh, what's going on?
Speaker 1: Not much?
Speaker 2: Brother?
Speaker 1: What's your name?
Speaker 2: My name is Dustin.
Speaker 1: Dustin. Have we ever spoken before?
Speaker 2: Nope? First time calling in.
Speaker 1: Very good, very cool. You know, I'm gonna I'm gonna
Speaker 1: tell a story real quick, if that's cool with you.
Speaker 1: I tried to record this podcast yesterday and I failed.
Speaker 1: I I was live for maybe five minutes and I
Speaker 1: got about two minutes into a call with someone and
Speaker 1: then something in my brain was just like, I can't
Speaker 1: do this right now, and so I and I used
Speaker 1: to and this this has been happening to me the
Speaker 1: entire five years I've been doing this show, and at
Speaker 1: this point I just accepted as a fact of I
Speaker 1: don't fight through it? Are you? Which one?
Speaker 3: Are you? Are you?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: I mean, it's obviously it's a thing that I guess
Speaker 1: you kind of sometimes have the privilege to do or whatever,
Speaker 1: But like do you do you fight through things or
Speaker 1: do you surrender?
Speaker 2: I guess it really depends on on the thing and
Speaker 2: on like what's happening at the at the time. Yeah, yeah, no,
Speaker 2: that that's uh, it's fine. I was actually watching the
Speaker 2: stream when I saw that yesterday, Oh you were I was, yeah,
Speaker 2: And I thought it was really cool because I kind
Speaker 2: of I was like, oh, man, is he thinking right
Speaker 2: now or is he like taking a beat? And I
Speaker 2: thought it was actually really cool that you like recognized
Speaker 2: where you're at and kind of, you know, very politely,
Speaker 2: was just like, hey, I can't do this right now,
Speaker 2: but let me make it up to you and walked
Speaker 2: away from it. I think that actually ties in really
Speaker 2: well to the story that I wanted to share.
Speaker 1: You know what, I Dustin, you said your name was, Yeah, Dustin.
Speaker 1: I appreciate that I do because I felt I felt bad.
Speaker 1: This happens to me. There's nothing the worst thing that
Speaker 1: I've one of the worst things I've experienced doing this
Speaker 1: is when like I like someone like someone calls in
Speaker 1: and I can tell that they're excited to be on
Speaker 1: the show where to talk talk, and I'm just I
Speaker 1: just I search inside myself and there's insufficient funds of energy,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. That's the fucking worst. And
Speaker 1: it feel shitty when it happened. So I appreciate you
Speaker 1: saying that you appreciate did that, so so thank you. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna stop talking about myself. I want to hear
Speaker 1: about the story you wanted to share.
Speaker 2: No, yeah, I'm glad you brought up so so it
Speaker 2: actually it ties in well because the end of this,
Speaker 2: you know, to jump to the end. I was seeing
Speaker 2: this person and was kind of on the fence but
Speaker 2: like and like kind of not seeing it as being
Speaker 2: a big thing. But I had friends who were kind
Speaker 2: of moving me forward a little bit on like hey, man,
Speaker 2: like you sometimes cut things off before you give it
Speaker 2: a chance. That was like, okay, let's let's try this.
Speaker 2: Let's try this thing out, and kind of you know,
Speaker 2: focused on communicating what I needed from this person and
Speaker 2: like the pace I needed to go at. It seemed
Speaker 2: to be going fine, until like all of a sudden,
Speaker 2: there was this date that like was she was just
Speaker 2: kind of like really focused on any kind of physicality, which,
Speaker 2: like you know, of course, yeah, and that's nice, but
Speaker 2: when it's like progressively over a few hours, going from
Speaker 2: like like needing to hold hands at every second to
Speaker 2: like me communicating, hey, like can I just have a
Speaker 2: few minutes when we eat here, and then like you know,
Speaker 2: by hour two or three, it was literally NonStop. The
Speaker 2: only thing that was getting talked about was like, hey,
Speaker 2: like I need a moment to just need a little
Speaker 2: space at.
Speaker 1: The moment this is I'm this is the first date.
Speaker 2: No, it was like week three with like you know,
Speaker 2: like one day to week yeah everything.
Speaker 1: And she wanted to always be touching you and you
Speaker 1: weren't into that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, just like in this moment where I was like
Speaker 2: I want to feel this out. I want to like
Speaker 2: just kind of experience what this is and let things
Speaker 2: happen naturally. But then it was like kept becoming like
Speaker 2: the stated communication, you know, and I'm sorry, sorry, just
Speaker 2: when it was like you know, I'm stating like I'm
Speaker 2: giving reasons, you know, and stuff like hey, you know,
Speaker 2: I'm not crazy about PDA. I'm not like you know,
Speaker 2: never don't even look my way. I'm not like that.
Speaker 2: But I'm you know, communicating like, hey, you know, I
Speaker 2: have some feelings about just like in public, and like,
Speaker 2: you know, I don't I don't want to be all
Speaker 2: over each other. But like our three of this final
Speaker 2: date was like you know, like can I hold your hand?
Speaker 2: And I'm like, you know, I just need a moment
Speaker 2: right now and let's just talk. And I'm fielding you know,
Speaker 2: questions like hey, if you know money's not an object,
Speaker 2: anywhere where would you live? You know, and She's dodging
Speaker 2: the question to immediately ask again what can I hold
Speaker 2: your hand? And why aren't we doing this? And I
Speaker 2: don't understand, and I'm like, okay, let me share my
Speaker 2: feelings again on like, you know, the stuff I've shared
Speaker 2: for the past a few weeks and what I'm feeling
Speaker 2: right now in this moment that I would like to
Speaker 2: just kind of be here with you and see what
Speaker 2: happens naturally as you okay, okay, okay, but can I
Speaker 2: just hold your hand? And I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 2: like is anything even getting through here?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 2: And if if I, you know, give an inch take
Speaker 2: a mile where, I like, okay, well, let me just
Speaker 2: you know. She really she really wants this thing, so
Speaker 2: I just open it up, like okay, yeah, you know,
Speaker 2: like well and if I like, you know, come around
Speaker 2: the table here and I give you a hug, I'm like, okay, yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm checking with myself. That's nice, thank you. And then
Speaker 2: she like dives in to like lick my ear and
Speaker 2: I'm like, whoa, okay, hang on, what what the hell?
Speaker 1: So so listen, listen, listen, I I uh, this is
Speaker 1: your well the third date with this lady, fourth something.
Speaker 2: Like that, yeah, third or fourth, Okay?
Speaker 1: Are you typically like are you typically A because everyone's
Speaker 1: different on this sort of thing, are you typically A
Speaker 1: let's take it slow before we uh, you know, start
Speaker 1: licking the ears kind of kind of guy.
Speaker 2: I generally approach it with like, I don't know. I'm
Speaker 2: usually I'm usually the follower, Like I'm kind of reading
Speaker 2: the person on how they want to play things and
Speaker 2: doing that. But for me, like if we're talking like
Speaker 2: sex and like you know, first date or like what's
Speaker 2: the pace of it, I'm I'm more like I like
Speaker 2: the passionate, like, oh my god, I just met this person.
Speaker 2: Holy crap, and you know, let's see if we're compatible.
Speaker 2: Now we are great. Now it's been the next few weeks,
Speaker 2: Like let's paste this out and let's you know, let's
Speaker 2: see how we are in like a friendly context. Not no,
Speaker 2: that's not the right word, but.
Speaker 1: It sounds to me like, yeah, it sounds to me
Speaker 1: like you you you like to you like to take
Speaker 1: it slow, yeah, And it sounds like this lady is
Speaker 1: ready to get.
Speaker 2: Down, which wasn't the case until this date. Like there
Speaker 2: were there were signs and there was definitely like you know,
Speaker 2: other kinds of touch, but like it was yeah at
Speaker 2: at this moment was Yeah, it was like a new level.
Speaker 1: M I mean that sounds like a hmmm, I'm just
Speaker 1: going off of what my gut feeling. It sounds like
Speaker 1: a like a like a pretty strong incompatibility, especially if
Speaker 1: you because if you said to her, you're like, hey, listen, uh,
Speaker 1: I kind of want to take it slow, and she's
Speaker 1: like and look, no fault to either of you, right,
Speaker 1: I mean, some people are like that. They want to
Speaker 1: always be touching the person. There was something like, you know,
Speaker 1: they want to always be like holding a hand or
Speaker 1: touching a knee or like that's their way of like,
Speaker 1: that's their way of being like, Okay, you like me.
Speaker 1: We can be talking about whatever, but the fact that
Speaker 1: you're touching me means that you like me, and if
Speaker 1: we're not touching me, is you don't like me. That's
Speaker 1: like a language for some people that I don't think
Speaker 1: that that's your language. That seems like it's her language.
Speaker 1: But I mean, or early on, that just seems like
Speaker 1: a strong sign of incompatibility. How does it normally go
Speaker 1: on your dates?
Speaker 2: Normally, it's like it's at a really nice pace. You know,
Speaker 2: or it's like because I'm not I'm not I'm not
Speaker 2: against it. Like, for example, when this first came up
Speaker 2: in conversation, we were out at this event as the
Speaker 2: first time where I was like, Hey, meet some of
Speaker 2: my friends and we're gonna go out to the show.
Speaker 2: And as we're at the show, I just kind of
Speaker 2: was like off to the side when we had a
Speaker 2: moment with just like, hey, by the way, you know,
Speaker 2: like I'm not always nuts about like constant touch, and
Speaker 2: she was oh, okay, well, gosh, I you know, I
Speaker 2: don't know how I feel about that, and like we
Speaker 2: were talking about a little bit, but then at the
Speaker 2: end of the night she was like, hey, you know,
Speaker 2: like when you said that, I wasn't certain that it
Speaker 2: was going to work, but then you showed like throughout
Speaker 2: the rest of the night that you would like reach
Speaker 2: for like you know, hand on the knee, hand on
Speaker 2: the back kind of stuff. And I'm like, yeah, it's
Speaker 2: not it's not that I'm against it. It's just that
Speaker 2: I like the freedom to be able to initiate that
Speaker 2: and to like kind of feel it out as it
Speaker 2: happens naturally, not like you know, we're walking from this
Speaker 2: room to that room and you're like, hey, you have
Speaker 2: to hold my hand. I'm like, well, okay, let's just
Speaker 2: let it happen, you know, mm.
Speaker 1: Hmmm, okay, So, well, how's your dating? Can I actually, well,
Speaker 1: it's funny I called you back because you you texted me.
Speaker 1: Actually a bunch of things, so.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think some of them. Some of them are
Speaker 2: over a year or so. Yeah. Yeah, ever like a
Speaker 2: year or two. Every now and then, I'll I listen
Speaker 2: all the time, but every now and then I'm inspired
Speaker 2: to send something over.
Speaker 1: Well can I bring Can I bring up what you
Speaker 1: messaged me?
Speaker 2: Uh? Yeah, let's do it.
Speaker 1: You said, Hey, Gek, I just turned twenty nine, so
Speaker 1: you're thirty now.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I don't know how to meet women. I'm interested in
Speaker 1: lots of close female friends, but struggling. Meanwhile, being single
Speaker 1: is just not the fun time people keep telling me
Speaker 1: it is. Do you still is that something you still
Speaker 1: resonate with?
Speaker 2: Not? Really. I was looking at that text when I
Speaker 2: sent you the new one and thought, man, lot a
Speaker 2: lot has changed in the past year.
Speaker 1: Ooh, okay, I'm interested in this. Tell me what's changed.
Speaker 2: I think the central.
Speaker 3: That I would I d is like the the.
Speaker 2: Internal change of like just being more okay with just
Speaker 2: where I'm at, And that's not like a surrendery okay,
Speaker 2: that's just like finding the love and like what is
Speaker 2: my life and who I am and just like, hey,
Speaker 2: let's let's just fucking love this, because that's can totally
Speaker 2: be a choice, and why why why not just pick that?
Speaker 1: How the fuck? How the how the fuck do you
Speaker 1: do that?
Speaker 2: Dude? Looking back? I don't know. That's it? You know,
Speaker 2: one of those things where it's like from one side
Speaker 2: of the threshold, it's like, how the fuck do I
Speaker 2: get over here? And from the other side, you're like,
Speaker 2: I don't know how the fuck I got here?
Speaker 1: Interesting, So you don't even know, and I ask you,
Speaker 1: how the fuck you I'm I'm impressed by that because
Speaker 1: like to be to be like really candid with you,
Speaker 1: I've I'm I frequently try to get on that frequency
Speaker 1: and it's really it's difficult, and you seem as though
Speaker 1: you were very and I'm very fascinated because it seems
Speaker 1: like you were really not on that frequency a year ago,
Speaker 1: and now you are and you're telling me that you
Speaker 1: don't even know how the fuck you got there.
Speaker 2: I mean, it's with uh, just living life and trying things,
Speaker 2: you know, going to therapy a couple times a month, uh,
Speaker 2: you know, making efforts to like get more stable, and
Speaker 2: you know, the logistical life shit, and then some like
Speaker 2: esoteric little switch when you're looking in the mirror and
Speaker 2: just going, I'm going to choose to like that.
Speaker 1: Wow, okay, well stop me. Stop right there. You look
Speaker 1: in the mirror and you go, I'm going to choose
Speaker 1: to like that. Do you mean like you're looking at
Speaker 1: your face and you're like, I'm gonna choose to like
Speaker 1: my face?
Speaker 2: Yeah, or like you know, body image stuff sometimes has
Speaker 2: been it's been a thing for me a lot of
Speaker 2: my life, and you know, can become attached with so
Speaker 2: much spiraling guilt and anxieties about like, oh man, like
Speaker 2: why the fuck am I not hitting the gym? And
Speaker 2: do they really have four pizzas this week? And you know,
Speaker 2: and you know sparrows into well the jobs and relationships
Speaker 2: and all this other stuff that is so not actually
Speaker 2: related and is also completely like the whole waterfall starts
Speaker 2: from comparison, you know, it starts from like what I
Speaker 2: think I should be seeing, or like what I should
Speaker 2: be living up to or something when.
Speaker 1: You look in the mirror, When you look in the
Speaker 1: mirror and you're like, I'm going to decide to decide
Speaker 1: to like that. What are you talking about? Like your body?
Speaker 1: Like you're like, oh, I'm going to decide to like
Speaker 1: the way I look.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, And you've found it, and you found it easy,
Speaker 4: and you found it as easy as declaring that you
Speaker 4: decide that you like that.
Speaker 2: I mean as a practice over a lot of time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not saying yeah, no, I know you mean,
Speaker 1: I know you mean, but.
Speaker 2: I think it's like taking like because we're you know,
Speaker 2: we're obviously so inundated with how not just body stuff,
Speaker 2: but like how how we're supposed to be based on
Speaker 2: like advertising and media and social media and all this stuff.
Speaker 2: But if you, as an individual decide, like, well, in
Speaker 2: my life, what I'm seeing of myself, that is that
Speaker 2: is the norm? Like that that's the standard. That's the
Speaker 2: gold standard, you know, like exactly what is and what
Speaker 2: I am like, that's that's the gold standard. Hm hm,
Speaker 2: you know, actually I think that's like I've been hearing
Speaker 2: you on some episodes recently bringing up that your thoughts
Speaker 2: on like the phrase like you are enough sure and
Speaker 2: and I'm totally like I get your I get your
Speaker 2: thought on it about it's it's proclivity to like leave
Speaker 2: leave you where like you can give up really easily,
Speaker 2: or you can be like I'm fucking depressed and what
Speaker 2: do you mean that's enough? But yeah, I think I
Speaker 2: think of what I'm getting at is kind of the
Speaker 2: same idea, but just like phrased in a way, that's
Speaker 2: if you make who you are and everything about you
Speaker 2: like that's that's the standard, then there's you know, that's
Speaker 2: that's the you're leveling the ground to build everything on
Speaker 2: top of. You know, if you want to do more
Speaker 2: with that, great, But you know, I can be a
Speaker 2: real lazy piece of shit sometimes and like not build
Speaker 2: anything on that. But I can still be like, hey,
Speaker 2: this is this is fine, Like I'm staying alive and
Speaker 2: I'm eating food and I'm working at a job and
Speaker 2: that's great.
Speaker 1: I'm away by the way, and you know the whole like,
Speaker 1: uh yeah, I have been talking about that a lot,
Speaker 1: and it's a spectrum. I think. I don't think it's
Speaker 1: like an either or and then always never you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, I don't believe in either or isn't
Speaker 1: always never's uh, because uh, you know, sometimes you can
Speaker 1: you are enough yourself into giving up, but then sometimes
Speaker 1: you can you are not enough yourself into a spiral.
Speaker 1: And so uh, you know, like I sometimes life feels
Speaker 1: like just a constant balancing act of all those things.
Speaker 1: But yeah, dude, hmmm you also said here, I.
Speaker 2: Mean yesterday, You're you're saying yesterday where you got onto
Speaker 2: a call and then you checked in with yourself and
Speaker 2: you're like, hey, this isn't it Like that was you?
Speaker 2: That was you. You are enough in yourself and just
Speaker 2: like you know, if you weren't, if you you know,
Speaker 2: if you weren't making yourself as enough and you you know,
Speaker 2: might have pushed yourself through to something that didn't feel right.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I came to that. I logically came
Speaker 1: to a place where I was like, if I try
Speaker 1: to record an episode like this, it's just gonna be shitty.
Speaker 1: So I'm just gonna not do it, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean? Yeah, you said here, Oh okay, how about this,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna Actually, you know what, I'm enjoying reading these
Speaker 1: texts that you sent me a year and a half ago,
Speaker 1: because it seems you seem to be in a different
Speaker 1: headspace and that's that's an interesting thing to explore to me.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I never said my text to the therapy keecho
Speaker 2: to be like a time capsule.
Speaker 1: Right, it's interesting. Yeah you said that. Okay, you said
Speaker 1: I've been on the up from This is from February
Speaker 1: of twenty twenty four. This is a year and a
Speaker 1: half ago. I've been on the up and up from
Speaker 1: the lowest points of my life. I'm letting go of
Speaker 1: all the friends I've lost over the years. I can't
Speaker 1: stop wishing I could reconnect with my long distance Canadian
Speaker 1: girlfriend from nine years ago. Now, let me ask you this,
Speaker 1: and we all have that, right, we all have a
Speaker 1: person where we're like, oh shit, was that should that?
Speaker 1: Should that have been more of a thing than it was?
Speaker 1: And now it's ten years ago, Are you still thinking
Speaker 1: about your long distance Canadian girlfriend?
Speaker 2: Oh? Yeah, definitely shows up time to time. At the
Speaker 2: I think in the moment that I texted, it was
Speaker 2: like a real like it felt like something was missing
Speaker 2: and something in my brain like you know, subconsciously tried
Speaker 2: to put it was looking for a jigsaw piece and
Speaker 2: that was her, and was like this is this is
Speaker 2: the thing and now she I definitely think about her
Speaker 2: a lot and think about all of that. It's not
Speaker 2: as much of a fervor as it was at the time,
Speaker 2: but it was definitely like a really impactful relationship on
Speaker 2: my life. And uh yeah that I think about, like
Speaker 2: what it meant and like what I valued in that
Speaker 2: and how I messed it up too.
Speaker 1: I mean you were what were yeah, yeah yeah, what
Speaker 1: kind of impact did it have on you?
Speaker 2: The the the level of like connection and communication that
Speaker 2: was there was not something that I experienced before in that,
Speaker 2: like in a romantic level actually maybe at all, And
Speaker 2: now like and that became like a defining thing for
Speaker 2: what I look for in a romantic relationship is like
Speaker 2: that level of community.
Speaker 1: Oh we're still there. Hello, Hellosa, Hello, Hello, hello Hello.
Speaker 1: Oh you're back.
Speaker 2: Oh cool. It's funny. I was I was hearing you
Speaker 2: the whole time.
Speaker 1: What we were saying.
Speaker 4: You were saying, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: I was talking about the communication with her and how
Speaker 2: that became like an important part. And I kind of
Speaker 2: don't want to pick communication because like I feel like
Speaker 2: that it's just like that suggests I'm talking about like
Speaker 2: the you know, like like setting boundaries and doing kind
Speaker 2: of like the the management work on a relationship, but
Speaker 2: I just mean like talking and like sharing ideas and like,
Speaker 2: you know, going for a three hour walk where we're
Speaker 2: playing out every possible factor of like a zombie apocalypse scenario,
Speaker 2: and just like I'd just skin the talk and just
Speaker 2: like go way down the rabbit hole.
Speaker 1: So this person impacted you in the sense that she
Speaker 1: set a standard for connection that you hope that you
Speaker 1: still to this day are like, Okay, this is the
Speaker 1: standard amount of connection that I desire from a relationship.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1: And I mean in the past ten years. God, I
Speaker 1: saw I'm afraid to I'm actually afraid to hear your
Speaker 1: answer to this question. I saw this Instagram meme and
Speaker 1: it's like it was It's not an Instagram meme, it
Speaker 1: was like a quote from a movie. Was it before
Speaker 1: midnight or after midnight? Maybe you'll know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: It's like this lady's talking to some guy and she's like,
Speaker 1: people think that they'll meet many people that they'll connect
Speaker 1: with over their life, but the truth is it's only
Speaker 1: a few. You know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know what that's from, but I've heard
Speaker 2: I've heard stuff like that.
Speaker 1: Do you so, I so, in the past ten years,
Speaker 1: have you found someone you've connected with as well as
Speaker 1: you connected with this lady in Canada?
Speaker 2: Well, it's different, right, I think it would be a trap,
Speaker 2: Not not that you're setting me up for trap, but
Speaker 2: I think it would be like a disservice to myself
Speaker 2: to like try and rank it on a scale in comparison.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but like I've had yeah, yeah, Like
Speaker 5: I've had a significant relationship since then that like was
Speaker 5: definitely founded on like that kind of communication and talk.
Speaker 2: And I often wonder when I think about this, uh,
Speaker 2: this girl from ten years ago, I often wonder if, like, man,
Speaker 2: if it was that exact same thing here and now
Speaker 2: what I actually would it be the same And maybe not,
Speaker 2: But like I think just kind of looking for there
Speaker 2: there's a there's a weird, you know, indescribable feeling that's
Speaker 2: that's attached to like knowing when that's thinking in in
Speaker 2: that and it's that level that like is what I
Speaker 2: look for in conversation and then like you know, talking
Speaker 2: to people and seeing what it's going to be. I
Speaker 2: met fantastic people, were great, and like we spend time together.
Speaker 2: But I think that's one of the things that like
Speaker 2: gets one of the things that gets me prone to
Speaker 2: kind of like chalking up what I think a relationship
Speaker 2: is going to be too early and makes my friends go, hey,
Speaker 2: like just try this and don't don't cut it down
Speaker 2: before it starts.
Speaker 1: Oh, because you're like, hm, I'm not getting what I
Speaker 1: feel like I used to normally be getting at this
Speaker 1: point in time, So I'm going to move on. But
Speaker 1: then you have but you have people outside of you
Speaker 1: or check you, or you're like, well give it a second.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: Interesting. That's interesting. That's one of the that's that's like
Speaker 1: one of the prime things of that's the one of
Speaker 1: the prime conflicts of not only dating, but like relationships.
Speaker 1: You know, it starts out when you're dating, of like
Speaker 1: and do I feel aligned with this person? Okay? If
Speaker 1: I do kind of, I'll keep seeing them, but if not,
Speaker 1: I'll move on. And then it evolves then it's like
Speaker 1: do I enjoy my marriage? Should I get divorced or
Speaker 1: should I stay? You know, I mean that's the prime conflict,
Speaker 1: I suppose, And I don't know if you ever, I
Speaker 1: don't know if relationships exist where that doesn't come into question,
Speaker 1: even like the best ones. I don't know if anyone
Speaker 1: ever gets into a relationship that they don't question. Maybe
Speaker 1: that I don't know, maybe there's somebody listening to this
Speaker 1: right now. That's like I've never I've been with my
Speaker 1: you know, boyfriend girlfriend eight years, I've never questioned it.
Speaker 1: That's what we want, right is you want something you want,
Speaker 1: you want to fuck, You want a whole motherfucking life
Speaker 1: that you never have to have to question, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. Isn't it like you're like, I'm everything
Speaker 1: is great. I've never questioned anything ever. I mean, that's
Speaker 1: an insane.
Speaker 2: Level of that. Yeah, I'm sorry. Uh, there's a I
Speaker 2: think there's a certain level of that that's like, uh,
Speaker 2: that's it's just too subjective for us to every like
Speaker 2: is my green your green? Like you know, I'll never
Speaker 2: know even somebody listening that's like, I've never questioned this relationship,
Speaker 2: Like okay, Like are you usually an inquisitive person? Or
Speaker 2: like what is questioning look like to you? Or you know,
Speaker 2: we might be going through the exact same process internally,
Speaker 2: but I'm just like I'm pulling out pieces of it differently,
Speaker 2: and this other person and analyzing those in a different
Speaker 2: way because I'm just prone to analyze the thing. My
Speaker 2: my therapist will often say that I has inspired me
Speaker 2: a lot. Is like the point of a first date
Speaker 2: is to see if there's going to be a second one,
Speaker 2: and that that carries all the way through a relationship.
Speaker 2: That it's all like every day it's like, I know
Speaker 2: how I feel today, I have a guess about how
Speaker 2: I'm going to feel tomorrow, and you know, a pretty
Speaker 2: good guess about how I'm gonna feel for the next
Speaker 2: week or whatever. But I'm just going to keep renewing
Speaker 2: that all the time.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Interesting, which might not be as like Happily ever after
Speaker 2: as I know some people enjoy. But for me, like,
Speaker 2: I like that because I can get my hands on
Speaker 2: it better, you know, that's more that feels more human
Speaker 2: to me. That feels more like, yeah, like something we
Speaker 2: can't know.
Speaker 1: That's a lot of work, and a lot of people
Speaker 1: don't want to do that work. And that applies to
Speaker 1: things outside of relationships. I think there's some like Alan
Speaker 1: Watts quote or whatever, that's like you're under no obligation
Speaker 1: to be who you were five minutes ago. But that's tough.
Speaker 1: That's why I think. That's why I think that's why
Speaker 1: people don't think of it like that, like that, you know,
Speaker 1: like that could apply to any aspect of your existence, right, like,
Speaker 1: all right, if I don't like my life today, then
Speaker 1: you know, I could change it tomorrow. But it's but
Speaker 1: you get comfortable. It's a lot of work too, and
Speaker 1: it's no small and I don't even and I don't even, Bro,
Speaker 1: I don't even know. I like, I used to fucking
Speaker 1: be on like a motivational grind and be like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you should always do that work and not be complacent.
Speaker 1: But but bro, the older I get, the more agnostic
Speaker 1: I become to these things. I'm like, you know, maybe
Speaker 1: maybe you should. Maybe it is better to just stay
Speaker 1: in the shitty in the life that you kind of like,
Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm probably wrong, I'm probably I'm probably
Speaker 1: uh no, I'm probably I'm probably wrong. It's probably you
Speaker 1: probably should do stuff, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: Well, it's interesting to me that, like your phrasing behind
Speaker 2: it was about like mustering up motivation to change it tomorrow.
Speaker 2: But let me try this one on. What if what
Speaker 2: if we're just naturally changing like you at rest like
Speaker 2: sitting around playing video games. Is that like there is
Speaker 2: changing happening because you're getting older and you're having more
Speaker 2: distanced perspective on events in your life. Like we're just
Speaker 2: naturally changing. And maybe Allen Watts quote is not about like,
Speaker 2: go fucking change, Like I don't think Alan Wats is
Speaker 2: a rise and grind kind of guy. I think it's
Speaker 2: more like I attribute it to more about like regret
Speaker 2: and like feeling embarrassed about your past self. Like, dude,
Speaker 2: if if we had talked, if we had talked last
Speaker 2: year when I said that, then they sent that text,
Speaker 2: and then you brought up the text from like a
Speaker 2: year and a half ago, I probably felt guilty about it,
Speaker 2: and I probably would have liked, Oh.
Speaker 1: I lost you again, Dustin, He'll come back. They always
Speaker 1: come back. Hold on, we're gonna get Dustin back.
Speaker 2: Hello.
Speaker 1: Hey, Okay, what were you saying if you were talking
Speaker 1: about it? If I had brought up that text from February,
Speaker 1: if I called you a year ago.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah. So like when you say that Alan Wats quote,
Speaker 2: it makes me think about like when you were like, hey,
Speaker 2: can we read some of these old texts? You know,
Speaker 2: there was a there's an old part of me that
Speaker 2: was like, no, don't do that. It's gonna be embarrassing,
Speaker 2: like that's not who you are anymore. But then I
Speaker 2: was like, yeah, fuck it, like let's let's do that,
Speaker 2: and I can own like, yeah, that's who I was
Speaker 2: at the time, and that's different.
Speaker 1: Now I'm inspired talking to you because I'm I'm about
Speaker 1: to turn twenty eight, and uh, I feel like I
Speaker 1: I'd probably talk about this on the show a lot,
Speaker 1: but I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know, decrepit or whatever. And it's cool, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I think I'm you know, I don't like to admit it,
Speaker 1: but I'm a f I I don't like to admit
Speaker 1: it because when I was young, I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know whatever, every you're not you know, you're not
Speaker 1: dead until you're dead, right, But now I think, now
Speaker 1: i'm getting a little bit older, I'm approaching thirty, I'm
Speaker 1: like scared. I'm like, I'm like scared of getting older
Speaker 1: more than I want to admit, you know. But it's cool.
Speaker 1: But the fact that you turn twenty nine and you're
Speaker 1: like you were like a little freaked out, and then
Speaker 1: a year later, you're feeling more zen. I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's like that's like cool to me. That makes me
Speaker 1: feel like there's still time to shift and show like
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna die tomorrow, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: There's still time to shift and change, you know, because
Speaker 1: twenty seven you start to or you know, yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna turn twenty eight, and I start to be like,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm kind of aware of my own brain,
Speaker 1: and I'm aware of my like patterns and habits and things,
Speaker 1: and I'm aware of where they've got me thus far,
Speaker 1: and they haven't gotten me to a horrible place thus far.
Speaker 1: I'm doing okay, but part of me is like, oh crap,
Speaker 1: if he you know, is it gonna keep going? If
Speaker 1: it keeps going like this, then I don't know where
Speaker 1: that leads, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's and that's like I think it's
Speaker 2: like the human the evolved like pattern recognition that leads
Speaker 2: us to, like, you know, we're so prone to like
Speaker 2: see a pattern and try and analyze where it's going
Speaker 2: and to be wary of danger in the bushes, and
Speaker 2: maybe that's the thing that leads us to naturally just
Speaker 2: be like, Okay, well this happened before and this is
Speaker 2: happening now, so obviously this is happening next. And I'm
Speaker 2: just gonna be on this road forever. But it doesn't
Speaker 2: I have like, it doesn't no, absolutely. I I the
Speaker 2: first time I ever did acid, I remember sitting sitting
Speaker 2: on a was it Twin Towers just no good Jesus Christ,
Speaker 2: twin twin peaks in uh In in San Francisco and
Speaker 2: looking over everything, and I just had this thought of,
Speaker 2: like I love video games, so I'm like, oh shit,
Speaker 2: like we're living in an open world game. It's not it's
Speaker 2: not a linear thing to it. Like I could I
Speaker 2: could run down there in my underwear if I wanted to,
Speaker 2: Like I have every choice available to me. I'm not
Speaker 2: like destined on this path to you know, be the
Speaker 2: same person that I said I was going to be.
Speaker 2: I mean, if I have massive changes in my life,
Speaker 2: like inspired by you know, I wanted to I want
Speaker 2: to switch. I was like gung ho to be an
Speaker 2: actor for like the better part of my life. And
Speaker 2: then I hit a point where I was like, I
Speaker 2: don't think I really want to do this anymore. And
Speaker 2: it was hard to let go of that because I
Speaker 2: was like, I felt like I was dishonoring my.
Speaker 1: Whole life but so much identity in that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I had to. I had to. I just
Speaker 2: had to recognize and respect the fact that like as
Speaker 2: soon as I finally allowed myself to, Like I remember
Speaker 2: one day, I'm toying it over, I'm like not in
Speaker 2: a great place in my life, so I'm like having
Speaker 2: a hard time even considering it. And I remember one
Speaker 2: day just thinking like, Okay, well let me let me
Speaker 2: put on this idea like a hat, like let me
Speaker 2: just try it, like let me pretend for a moment
Speaker 2: that this is my new path. And as soon as
Speaker 2: I did, I felt all of this weight come off
Speaker 2: me and I was like, oh my god, Okay, I
Speaker 2: got to do something. I gotta I gotta follow that
Speaker 2: there's something going on here. And I've come back around
Speaker 2: to it, and I've had friends that are like, hey,
Speaker 2: do you want to like act in this thing? You
Speaker 2: want to do this out? I'm like, yeah, sure, great,
Speaker 2: but uh, like I you know, sometimes think about like
Speaker 2: the inner child and like what what would that kid
Speaker 2: want to look up to and see? Yeah, and that's beautiful,
Speaker 2: but I think there's another side, which is the inner
Speaker 2: child is a child, and sometimes you have to go, hey,
Speaker 2: that's great, buddy, but we're doing something different now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, yeah, you got to look at your inner
Speaker 1: child and be like, but you're gonna learn how the
Speaker 1: world works. You know, it's not gonna it's not gonna
Speaker 1: turn out exactly how you expected it to. But uh,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't know. Sometimes this is a bad
Speaker 1: way to look at life, I think. But sometimes I look,
Speaker 1: b this is a bad way to look at life. This,
Speaker 1: this creeps into this creeps into my head sometimes where
Speaker 1: I'm like, uh, this is just me being like because
Speaker 1: I want good things for my life. But I'm also
Speaker 1: I try to be realistic man, So I'm like I do,
Speaker 1: and it also goes against because I do believe in
Speaker 1: like manifestation in a sense of like your thoughts will
Speaker 1: become your words, and shit, man, when did the therapy
Speaker 1: Gecko podcast becomes so therapy anyway? But sometimes I do
Speaker 1: look at my life and I'm like, I'm like what why.
Speaker 1: I'm like, why why should nothing bad happen to you?
Speaker 1: You know, I'm like, why should everything work out for you?
Speaker 1: Like I walk outside in New York or like I
Speaker 1: walk around like like when I was in Iraq or
Speaker 1: like what you know, you just like look you see
Speaker 1: like everyone's kind of just like surviving and like living
Speaker 1: their life and like whatever, You're not like that special
Speaker 1: and I'm kind of like why why why should I
Speaker 1: be amazing and everything works out for me and it
Speaker 1: is awesome. Again, I don't think that's a healthy way
Speaker 1: to live life, is to think that way, because that's
Speaker 1: it's really not productive. But I'm just saying that that
Speaker 1: happens to me, that that thought appears in my brain
Speaker 1: where I'm like, why should everything work out for you
Speaker 1: all the time? You know, that's like a crazy expectation
Speaker 1: to have.
Speaker 2: I think it's super valid to to have this. I mean,
Speaker 2: I think anything that pops in a brain is like,
Speaker 2: you know, nothing, like it's you know, it's life and
Speaker 2: it's nature. Like something pops in your brain. Okay, like
Speaker 2: it's not wrong, but like how we choose to hold
Speaker 2: it and what we choose to do because of it,
Speaker 2: Like that's that's up to us. Those are things that
Speaker 2: we can make given bad choices on Yeah, thinking about yeah,
Speaker 2: go ahead, well I was.
Speaker 1: Gonna I was just gonna say I'm gonna I'm gonna
Speaker 1: I'm gonna challenge I'm gonna challenge that. I'm gonna try
Speaker 1: to challenge that thought when it comes up and just
Speaker 1: be like, well, I'm gonna I'm gonna counterpoint myself real
Speaker 1: quick and just be like, Okay, the sure you can
Speaker 1: think like that, but it's not help it's not helpful.
Speaker 1: It's it's nihilistic and it's not helpful. And you know,
Speaker 1: you've your my consciousness has spawned into this brain and
Speaker 1: this body for whatever cosmic reason that I it's beyond
Speaker 1: me that I'm tired of thinking about uh, And so
Speaker 1: I'm responding. So, if I only have one goal, it's
Speaker 1: for me to be responsible for my own like I'm like,
Speaker 1: I like, I have the bandwidth to care about my
Speaker 1: own happiness. And that's like kind of my job as
Speaker 1: a human. And so you know, it's you should care
Speaker 1: about whether or not you hate your you should care
Speaker 1: about whether or not you're thriving. Like logically speaking, in
Speaker 1: the same way I come to in the same with
Speaker 1: the same logic I use to come to this conclusion
Speaker 1: that I shouldn't be happy, I can use to come
Speaker 1: to the conclusion that I should be happy. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, absolute, Yeah, you're you're something, the something
Speaker 2: the switch I think I got. I go through a
Speaker 2: similar process. I just like I don't I don't do
Speaker 2: great with like good, like uh this this grand good
Speaker 2: and bad idea In nature, I think that they're like
Speaker 2: placeholder words for things that are or are not effective
Speaker 2: towards a particular goal. Like murder happens all the time
Speaker 2: in the animal kingdom, and we're not gonna say that's bad.
Speaker 2: But the reason we say it's bad amongst us is
Speaker 2: because it's not productive. It doesn't that doesn't help things along,
Speaker 2: It's unequivocally not helpful. So I've I've come to like
Speaker 2: try and train the words should out of my vocabulary
Speaker 2: unless I'm very particular about how I'm using it, because
Speaker 2: I mean, what is what is should? You know? Like
Speaker 2: we may live in this society that's like structured around
Speaker 2: particular milestones and goals and metrics metrics of success, but
Speaker 2: like at the end of the day, I'm just an animal,
Speaker 2: you know, and so like what what is should? Really there?
Speaker 2: I can be a good person, and I'd like to
Speaker 2: be a good person, and I will be a good person,
Speaker 2: but like should should is it should make me claustrophobic,
Speaker 2: you know, should It's.
Speaker 1: Like, yeah, this would be an awesome testimony to give
Speaker 1: in court after you murder someone. The way you said,
Speaker 1: the way you said, I'm an animal, it reminds me.
Speaker 1: Go on, everyone listening, go on YouTube and search. Hold on,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna find this real quick. Sorry to take us
Speaker 1: completely off to I think it's Oh, it reminded me
Speaker 1: of a search up Charles Manson Epic Answer. You ever
Speaker 1: seen that video where he goes like, uh, yeah, the
Speaker 1: way he said I'm an animal? Yes, everone on YouTube
Speaker 1: search up Charles Manson Epic Answer, Like an interviewer is
Speaker 1: like who are you? And he does a bunch of
Speaker 1: crazy faces and he goes and he goes, I'm nobody.
Speaker 1: I'm nobody. And you kind of reminded me of that
Speaker 1: just now. I don't think you would murder someone though
Speaker 1: you're you're a nice guy. But I know, I know,
Speaker 1: I know what you mean. There's no real rules of
Speaker 1: should and shouldn't you get to Yeah, you get to
Speaker 1: kind of decide what they are. But then that's a
Speaker 1: that's a that's a big responsibility.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you know there again, let's you know, do
Speaker 2: it today and say promise to do it tomorrow and
Speaker 2: keep going from there. You got me thinking on I
Speaker 2: always like to to make the claim that there's the
Speaker 2: uh you know that for every everything happens for a reason,
Speaker 2: you know, and it's it can be a real like
Speaker 2: thoughts and prayers of a statement. Sometimes it's like, well,
Speaker 2: everything happens for a reason. I think it's bullshit, and
Speaker 2: I think the I think the main thing I I
Speaker 2: believe that it's been misunderstood. I think it's the exact
Speaker 2: same but with a different connotation. I think it's not
Speaker 2: everything happens for a reason, like towards some end, I
Speaker 2: think it's everything happens for a reason, like everything happens
Speaker 2: because of something. It's it's it's all about context. It's
Speaker 2: all like you know, particles colliding with each other that
Speaker 2: create you know, the big bank. I don't know, I'm
Speaker 2: not well versed in this, but.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're saying that everything happens for a reason. Is
Speaker 1: a phrase that normally points forward. But you're like, no,
Speaker 1: I look at that as pointing backward.
Speaker 2: Yeah, which isn't going to like, you know, that doesn't
Speaker 2: give you the cozy blanket of assurance that's like, well,
Speaker 2: this bad thing is gonna end up okay, yeah, as much,
Speaker 2: but like it does, I think like it for me
Speaker 2: as like a very anxious person, it gives me context,
Speaker 2: like it gives me when I'm you know, spiraling out there.
Speaker 2: It gives me something to like grab onto and be like,
Speaker 2: well I can understand this now. And that might not
Speaker 2: be like cozy it's but I get I can get it,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 1: I don't. Yeah, I don't like that phrase everything happens
Speaker 1: for I hate Yeah, I don't like that. That feels
Speaker 1: uh uh. I don't believe in some form of like
Speaker 1: external cosmic thing that's like manicuring uh events to happen
Speaker 1: for certain purposes. I think that's bullshit. Yeah, I'm kind
Speaker 1: of one of those guys that believes that everything is
Speaker 1: like a complete like cosmic accident. I'm not like, I
Speaker 1: think it's like typically like when saren, I believe here's
Speaker 1: what I like, my the whole, like everything happens for
Speaker 1: a reason or like serendipity or cosmic this. I think
Speaker 1: that serendipity is kind of what happens natural truly as
Speaker 1: a result of you putting forth some effort into the world.
Speaker 1: I think. I think I've said this before a lot
Speaker 1: and I and I mean it, but I think when
Speaker 1: you like do stuff, like the universe kind of rewards you,
Speaker 1: and I don't. I'm not even in like a woo
Speaker 1: waway just like an a logical way, just because like
Speaker 1: there's so much like because we live on a in
Speaker 1: a world with so many like moving fucking parts and
Speaker 1: so many different people and so much stuff going on
Speaker 1: that when you decide to like it's like it's like
Speaker 1: if the world is like a giant spinning tornado of
Speaker 1: like entery of like and like in there, it's like
Speaker 1: it's like the Wizard of Oz, Like you know, there's
Speaker 1: like chairs and Dorothy's and then the can of Witch
Speaker 1: comes by and all that shit. Right, Like it's like
Speaker 1: it's a big hurricane of action and things and you're
Speaker 1: like standing on the sidelines of it. If you toss
Speaker 1: a fucking ball in there, you know, it'll get swept
Speaker 1: up in the hurricane and think or if you jump
Speaker 1: into the fucking hurricane, you're gonna see some shit, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like you're you just like so
Speaker 1: much kinetic energy is unfolding everywhere that if you just
Speaker 1: do something to like leave yourself and interact with it,
Speaker 1: something something comes back, you know, just lot like logically,
Speaker 1: I don't even like so when I say like the
Speaker 1: universal wards you, I don't even mean that, and like
Speaker 1: like it makes logical sense, especially now with like the Internet,
Speaker 1: all of our like everything we do is like leveraged,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like you do one you know,
Speaker 1: like like if you like I mean, like look at
Speaker 1: this podcast right Like if I went if I went
Speaker 1: out into the into the square in the seventeen hundreds
Speaker 1: and I just started talking, I'd you know, i'd talked
Speaker 1: to I'd maybe talk to like three people. But we're
Speaker 1: gonna have this conversation. There's gonna be a few thousand
Speaker 1: people that listen to it, and it's leveraged, you know.
Speaker 1: So we live in a we live in a crazy
Speaker 1: leverage in the world. I don't know if I don't
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying relates to anything we've been talking about,
Speaker 1: but it was in my head and I'm.
Speaker 2: It came up for some reason.
Speaker 1: It did.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think the like the I I get really
Speaker 2: on the perspective and how it's like everything that we
Speaker 2: are in everything we do and everything we know is
Speaker 2: reliant on perspective. And it's like the great shame on
Speaker 2: the shame is not the right word, but the you know,
Speaker 2: it's the great struggle of our existence is that like
Speaker 2: we'll never know true objectivity for something. So that tornado
Speaker 2: from you know, God's eye, it probably is meticulously like intricate.
Speaker 2: It's you know, you could you could take that tornado
Speaker 2: in a simulation and study every single particle and like
Speaker 2: where it's going, and it all has like this path
Speaker 2: that like from outside of time makes sense. But for us,
Speaker 2: it's just like I'm hopping in the dam tornado. I
Speaker 2: have no idea. I'm I'm I'm one thousand percent with
Speaker 2: you on the agnosticism. And that's exactly where I land
Speaker 2: on this stuff too, is maybe there's an answer. Maybe
Speaker 2: it might be a guy in a cloud for all
Speaker 2: I know, But I don't think I'm capable of knowing.
Speaker 1: Dustin. Yeah, this was a good conversation, Dustin. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be honest with you. I yeah, like yesterday, when I
Speaker 1: shut the laptop off early, I was like expecting that
Speaker 1: I was like I was, I was kind of nervous.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to do this. I was nervous that
Speaker 1: this was going to happen again. But I've thoroughly enjoyed
Speaker 1: our conversation. So I appreciate you being easy to talk
Speaker 1: to and and fun to talk to and you know,
Speaker 1: talking to me today.
Speaker 2: I appreciate you.
Speaker 1: Man.
Speaker 2: It was great to get on and inconnect and sure
Speaker 2: some ideas.
Speaker 1: Mmm, is there anything else that you wanted to say
Speaker 1: or talk about at all before we go, or say
Speaker 1: to the people of the computer, Are.
Speaker 2: You gonna go to New Orleans Marty Gras?
Speaker 1: When is that?
Speaker 2: Because it's in mid February.
Speaker 1: Ship that could be kind of very.
Speaker 2: Awesome to party, Marty Gray, I am.
Speaker 1: I am Marty Gras. Colors you are.
Speaker 2: Yeah, a little purple flare there you go.
Speaker 1: I've never been to New Orleans before. That's like one
Speaker 1: of the few major cities in the States that I've
Speaker 1: just never been to.
Speaker 2: It's beautiful. I've gone once, very briefly for a wedding,
Speaker 2: and now I'm gonna go spend a whole week there.
Speaker 2: I'm not I'm not always crazy about like big crowd events,
Speaker 2: but once in a lifetime thing just got to go.
Speaker 2: Go do it, you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm want to try to flash my tits and
Speaker 1: get some beads.
Speaker 2: I literally did that last time I was there. It
Speaker 2: was it was very effective, beautiful.
Speaker 1: Wait you so you went to Marty gars before?
Speaker 2: No, just it was just it's still New Orleans.
Speaker 1: They just wait, they just do that year round, I guess.
Speaker 2: So. Yeah, just some guys on on a balcony in
Speaker 2: the French Quarter.
Speaker 1: All right, I'm gonna I'm gonna test that.
Speaker 3: Hell yeah, well if you go, uh text me, great party.
Speaker 1: Thank you very much for calling Dustin. I'll see you
Speaker 1: around the universe.
Speaker 2: Take care.
Speaker 1: That was Dustin, nice guy. I liked Dustin. Do I
Speaker 1: have any other post call thoughts. Marty Garos could be fun?
Speaker 1: Hmm Yeah. That whole thing about like uh having like
Speaker 1: a having like I love from a long time ago.
Speaker 1: I'm curious do you guys have to tell me in
Speaker 1: the in the comments, do you guys still have like
Speaker 1: x's or loves that you think about from like a
Speaker 1: long time ago. It's interesting, I didn't really get to
Speaker 1: talking about this like twenty to thirty. That's such a
Speaker 1: huge fucking change. But yeah, I'm curious if anyone else
Speaker 1: has like loves like that, like from like a long time.
Speaker 1: Everyone has, you know, people like who've kind of come
Speaker 1: in and out of their life and shit, but any
Speaker 1: you know, like from anyone they just really haven't talked
Speaker 1: to in a while. They're like, I wonder how they're doing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: let me know. I'm curious. Hello, Okay, Uh. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: keep doing this thing where I I'm trying to make
Speaker 1: the episodes a little longer. I know that there's been
Speaker 1: a lot of ads in the podcast. I'm aware of that.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to make the podcasts longer so that it
Speaker 1: feels like you're it's you know, it feels like you're
Speaker 1: getting some podcasts with your ads. So I'm enjoying doing
Speaker 1: this thing where I read the viewer mail at the
Speaker 1: end of the podcast. So I'm gonna I'm gonna do that.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna read a little handful of viewer mail to
Speaker 1: bring us on home before we go. I'm also still
Speaker 1: hyped up. I had a vibe ance and a coffee
Speaker 1: and so I feel if there if if I were
Speaker 1: ever in a mood to rant into a microphone about nothing,
Speaker 1: it would be now. So I'm gonna take advantage of
Speaker 1: this Okay. This is from uh Kalum subject line fear
Speaker 1: and loathing in Barnsley. Hi gek, I hope life is
Speaker 1: treating you well. My name is Calem. I'm twenty nine
Speaker 1: from Barnsley, South Yorkshire in England. I wanted to reach No,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do that. I wanted to reach out
Speaker 1: as I've been going through some real therapy recently, as
Speaker 1: I was struggling with some self image issues and grief
Speaker 1: from both grandparents dying and a relationship ending a few
Speaker 1: years ago. However, I still find myself wondering what's the
Speaker 1: point in life. I genuinely question myself and wonder why
Speaker 1: I'm going to work at times, not from a depressive
Speaker 1: point of view, but more so what do I want
Speaker 1: to do with my life? I feel like I've got
Speaker 1: the world at my feet and I don't know where
Speaker 1: to jump. Over the past few years, I've been well
Speaker 1: my whole life. Recently, I've been into cars and track days.
Speaker 1: Track days are where you drive your car around in
Speaker 1: circles on a racetrack all day. Whilst who I like
Speaker 1: this use of wilst Whilst it is extremely fun and
Speaker 1: was my sole motivation for a long period of my life.
Speaker 1: I now wonder if it's been worth it. I've managed
Speaker 1: to buy a house, which I know is a real
Speaker 1: achievement in twenty twenty five, but still feel little achievement
Speaker 1: for it, and go on vacations around the hobby, visiting
Speaker 1: the nerber Gring in Germany a few times, as well
Speaker 1: as going on car related trips. Okay, I'm gonna google
Speaker 1: what Neurbering is. Oh, then it's like a big ass well,
Speaker 1: holy fucking shit, it is one hundred and fifty thousand
Speaker 1: person capacity motor sports complex. That's crazy. That's cool. It's
Speaker 1: good to have a thing. You gotta have a thing.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not a fan of I don't I
Speaker 1: you know, it's good to have a thing. I don't
Speaker 1: need to I was gonna say, I'm not a fan.
Speaker 1: I don't like fast cars. They scare me. But whatever,
Speaker 1: this guy's got a thing. It's good to have a thing,
Speaker 1: especially if the thing gets you around people and you know,
Speaker 1: visiting Germany. Okay, back to the email. I have a
Speaker 1: feeling that I need to travel more and experience more
Speaker 1: of life and people. But doing this I struggle as
Speaker 1: I'm a single guy. And it's hard convincing friends to
Speaker 1: come along when the price for trips can be high.
Speaker 1: I'm lucky enough that I get to travel around Europe
Speaker 1: for work, and I've been to pretty much every part
Speaker 1: of Germany with this, but I still find myself wanting
Speaker 1: to look further Afield so much so I'd argue it's
Speaker 1: my favorite country to visit. That's cool. I've also started
Speaker 1: riding mountain bikes, and I love the feeling it gives
Speaker 1: me when I'm out in the trail and the bonds
Speaker 1: I share with the friends I do it with. I
Speaker 1: feel like I want to leave the car stuff behind.
Speaker 1: As the guys I know from it can be wankers,
Speaker 1: even though I like them, but they do drag me
Speaker 1: down at times. I've distanced myself from them, but feel
Speaker 1: like I've spent less and less time with people. But
Speaker 1: on the other hand, I feel like the time I'm
Speaker 1: spending with people is worthwhile and truly enriching my life.
Speaker 1: Am I just being a drama queen? Or do you
Speaker 1: see where I'm coming from? I feel like I'm being
Speaker 1: a typical privileged person and crying about doing things I enjoy.
Speaker 1: Cheers and keep up the good work. If you ever
Speaker 1: find yourself wanting to visit Yorkshire and need a place
Speaker 1: to stay, I'm your man. Thanks, Kalum, Thank you, Kalum.
Speaker 1: This a nice invitation. Well, first of all, listen, here's
Speaker 1: the thing about you being a drama queen and whatnot.
Speaker 1: Is like, listen, everyone's life is relative to theirs, and
Speaker 1: I've done this thing in my own life where I
Speaker 1: have the same thoughts as you, where I'm like, am
Speaker 1: I being a drama queen? Whatever? Whatever? Whatever? Listen completely
Speaker 1: denying the existence of any of your feelings, because there's
Speaker 1: people with worse feelings out there. Is it's good to
Speaker 1: acknowledge that you have it good and whatnot. But at
Speaker 1: a certain point, it's just like, you know, you're just
Speaker 1: beating yourself up. It's not like helpful. It's like I
Speaker 1: fucking said to the caller earlier, where I was like, shit,
Speaker 1: hold on, I fucking was gonna make a connection and
Speaker 1: it just left my brain. Oh yeah, that's what I
Speaker 1: said to the caller earlier, where I was like, I'll
Speaker 1: have this thought in my head where I'll be like
Speaker 1: why should I be happy or this or that the
Speaker 1: other thing, And I don't think that's a productive thing.
Speaker 1: I have that same thought, and I don't think it's
Speaker 1: a productive thought to have. So I'm gonna say to
Speaker 1: you that I don't think it's a productive thought to have.
Speaker 1: There's definitely people out there who do who I think
Speaker 1: do need to kind of have some and it's helpful
Speaker 1: to have some like perspective and be like, well, you know,
Speaker 1: it's helpful to have some perspective. But you're feeling a thing,
Speaker 1: and I think it's you know, good to it's okay
Speaker 1: to validate your own feelings. Anyway. I have a lot
Speaker 1: of thoughts about this. Yeah, it can be tough if
Speaker 1: you're like a single and you want to go do
Speaker 1: shit and you know you're you're kind of navigating, like, bro,
Speaker 1: this is the this is the the lone wolf ponderer
Speaker 1: versus the social butterfly kind of a thing. You know,
Speaker 1: and clearly you've met a lot of friends doing this
Speaker 1: car stuff. But there also comes a time where you
Speaker 1: have to look around people you're with and be like, wait,
Speaker 1: are all my friends fucking complete assholes? And it's hard
Speaker 1: because sometimes you're sometimes you look around and you're like,
Speaker 1: oh shit, all of my friends are complete assholes. But
Speaker 1: they're there. You know, if I call them, they pick up.
Speaker 1: Are you are your asshole friends? At least there? Because
Speaker 1: we all have people in our life who were like, yeah,
Speaker 1: this person kind of sucks, but you know I love them.
Speaker 1: They pick up the phone when I call them. Uh,
Speaker 1: they're who's around. They're in my life. They're not like
Speaker 1: you know, you know, you have you have people who
Speaker 1: are kind of like on the peripheral and like they
Speaker 1: kind of have their own life and they're doing that
Speaker 1: and you see them, and if those people are assholes,
Speaker 1: then it's like, well, that's who cares. You know, I'm
Speaker 1: not I don't. I'm not gonna go out of my
Speaker 1: way to be friends with something like that. But yeah,
Speaker 1: people who are like like you know, they're like in
Speaker 1: your life. You see them like kind of every day
Speaker 1: you talk to them, like kind of every day they're
Speaker 1: up to date on you and your existence. And maybe
Speaker 1: those people are kind of assholes, but that those people
Speaker 1: are kind of like, you know, we all have like
Speaker 1: a someone who's kind of an asshole, but like they're
Speaker 1: in our life. You know, I don't know if anything
Speaker 1: I'm saying is helpful, but hmmm, I empathize with a
Speaker 1: lot of what you're talking about, Kalem in terms of like,
Speaker 1: you know, you want just what you want was so
Speaker 1: much out of life, but you're also you want a
Speaker 1: lot at a life and that kind of isolates you
Speaker 1: in a way, and you're like, should I continue to
Speaker 1: isolate myself and go on this like journey or should
Speaker 1: I kind of hang back and you know, spend time
Speaker 1: with uh these wankers. I get what you mean. I'm
Speaker 1: kind of on the side of taking the journey. I think, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, you're twenty nine, You're not getna Tony Younger.
Speaker 1: I'm always on the side of taking the journey, even
Speaker 1: if you're have to do it alone. I feel like
Speaker 1: you're you're always gonna be glad you took the journey.
Speaker 1: If that's what this email is about. If this email
Speaker 1: is about should I take the journey alone or not?
Speaker 1: I kind of usually think it's best to take the
Speaker 1: journey alone, especially because again, you're not gonna you know,
Speaker 1: you're only going to get it's only ever going to
Speaker 1: get harder in life to take these journeys. It's only
Speaker 1: ever going to get more difficult. I mean, listen to
Speaker 1: the fucking I mean, look at your twenty nine right,
Speaker 1: you could you in two years, you could have a
Speaker 1: life where you travel around Europe alone for two years,
Speaker 1: get really depressed, try to kill yourself, and then at
Speaker 1: thirty five, you're like with your beautiful girlfriend and you
Speaker 1: have a cat and everything's okay. You know, like life,
Speaker 1: like life works weirdly like that because you only ever
Speaker 1: know it looking back. But yeah, I don't know. I
Speaker 1: after like talking to a bunch of people and seeing
Speaker 1: like how people's lives kind of work out, you know,
Speaker 1: it seems like it can kind of take a lot
Speaker 1: of different turns, and so I don't know. I'm with
Speaker 1: you on jumping, you know. Yeah, if you're wondering what
Speaker 1: the fucking point of life is, it seems like you
Speaker 1: you gotta jump because I get like that too every
Speaker 1: fucking time. Every fucking time, I'm like just like on
Speaker 1: my couch with my face down and in my underwear,
Speaker 1: I'm laying around in trash, and I'm like, i think
Speaker 1: I'm dying, perhaps me like like multiple times a week,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I think I'm I think this is it.
Speaker 1: I think I'm done. I think I'm dying, laying around
Speaker 1: in trash, and then I'm like, Okay, I gotta go,
Speaker 1: I gotta, I gotta go do something crazy and then
Speaker 1: I go. And that's that's why I that's why I
Speaker 1: went to Iraq, is just to be like, I gotta,
Speaker 1: I gotta remind myself I'm alive in some way, shape
Speaker 1: or form. And by the way, you don't know, you
Speaker 1: don't not You don't have to go to Iraq or
Speaker 1: go to Germany or go whatever to do that. You know,
Speaker 1: you can do any little thing that gets you out
Speaker 1: of your existence to do that. But kalem, whatever it
Speaker 1: is that you can do to like metaphorically splash some
Speaker 1: water on yourself, it doesn't have to be a big thing.
Speaker 1: You don't have to you know, cure cancer or whatever.
Speaker 1: But just make a little list of whatever you think
Speaker 1: you could do to kind of spiritually splash some fucking
Speaker 1: water on yourself and remind you that you're not dead.
Speaker 1: Is good. I hope that was remotely helpful. Okay, this
Speaker 1: is from Zach subject line, help me decide, yo, mister Ghek.
Speaker 1: I'm twenty three and I'm working a decent county job
Speaker 1: that's easy and routine. It's the best quality job I've had,
Speaker 1: but it's soul sucking, and I can't see myself doing
Speaker 1: it forever. I've been thinking about going to community college
Speaker 1: for game development because I love the idea of making
Speaker 1: games and could see myself doing that happily. I spent
Speaker 1: almost a year making my first game to test if
Speaker 1: it was just a phase. It's not great, but I'm
Speaker 1: proud of finishing it. Since then, I've fallen off and
Speaker 1: struggled to say to stay consistent on my own.
Speaker 2: Part of me.
Speaker 1: Feels like the structure of school could finally give me
Speaker 1: the discipline i'm missing. What's holding me back is worrying
Speaker 1: that a community college game dev program might not actually
Speaker 1: be that worth it. It's an it's an industry where
Speaker 1: people kind of lean against going to college, and it's
Speaker 1: more about your portfolio and knowledge. I'm afraid to potentially
Speaker 1: waste the money I've saved up because it took me
Speaker 1: a long time to build another thing. Holding me back
Speaker 1: is a classic fear of failure. So what do you
Speaker 1: think I should do? I wouldn't be able to do
Speaker 1: both at once. I have more thoughts, but this is
Speaker 1: too long. Why can't you do both at once? Is it?
Speaker 1: Is it just like that crazy of a job that
Speaker 1: it's like fucking like is it like an is your
Speaker 1: county job like eighty hours a week? Ps? Here here's
Speaker 1: my first shitty game if you're curious. Okay, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: play this.
Speaker 3: This is like a.
Speaker 1: Browser game that I can play Infernal Ascent. Infernal Ascent
Speaker 1: is a fast paced vertical platform or whether the player
Speaker 1: must rush against the heat to finish, climb through a
Speaker 1: hellish gauntlet of fire, darkness, and deadly traps as the
Speaker 1: flames rise beneath your feet, There's only one way to survive. Up. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna. I don't know how great of an audio
Speaker 1: experience it will be to listen to me play this game,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna play it. Okay, run game. Okay, this
Speaker 1: is on the gott It game engine. I'm gonna try
Speaker 1: to live speak myself playing this game. Okay, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: I'm hitting play. Okay, the wait, what the fuck?
Speaker 2: Well?
Speaker 1: Okay, w asd Okay, Okay, I died. I'm engulfed in flames. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm trying again. I don't know if this is gonna
Speaker 1: make for a good podcast, but I'm playing playing this game.
Speaker 1: I'm collecting coins I'm jumping. Fuck all right, I died
Speaker 1: in Flames again. Okay. I'm dressed as a little character
Speaker 1: that he kind of looks like a cyclops. I'm collecting
Speaker 1: a coin. I don't know if people can hear the
Speaker 1: oh fuck I died again? Okay, all right, honestly already,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just I like platformers. I'm a
Speaker 1: big fan of like Mario Maker and Super meat Boy
Speaker 1: and shit like that, so I'm already addicted to this.
Speaker 1: I guess to answer your question while I'm playing your game. Wait,
Speaker 1: fucking okay, all right, I don't know a lot about
Speaker 1: the game. Shit, fuck, I don't know a lot about
Speaker 1: the game development. Okay, you can like climb walls? Is
Speaker 1: that what this is?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: I fucked up? Can you climb that?
Speaker 3: All right?
Speaker 1: Anyway, I'll play more of this when I'm not recording
Speaker 1: a podcast.
Speaker 2: But I'm.
Speaker 1: Well, so here's the thing is, I'm I guess the
Speaker 1: community college. Yeah, I well, I lean against going to
Speaker 1: college for a shit like this, only because, like I mean,
Speaker 1: you made a game, right, and we live in a
Speaker 1: world where if you want to make money making your
Speaker 1: own video games, you can do it. But like I don't.
Speaker 1: This is not an industry I know a lot about.
Speaker 1: But it's like you you know, there's fucking Steam. There's
Speaker 1: never been a either Steam. There's never been like an
Speaker 1: easier universe to just like make a game and have
Speaker 1: people play it and like you know, make your games
Speaker 1: and market them, and like, I don't know how people
Speaker 1: make money doing that, and I don't know if it's
Speaker 1: like I don't, I don't even know what the deal is.
Speaker 1: But this is like you're starting a business, right And
Speaker 1: so if I were you and I wanted to, if
Speaker 1: I were, if here's the thing, If I were you,
Speaker 1: I would take the risk. I don't know how I
Speaker 1: feel about game development college. It's it's similar to how
Speaker 1: I feel about like film school, which is like, I
Speaker 1: mean you can spend like like there's programs out there
Speaker 1: that's like yeah, you can totally spend like hundreds of
Speaker 1: thousands of fucking dollars to go to film school. And
Speaker 1: it's like, bro with the money, Like, let's say, I
Speaker 1: don't know how much this community college program is. If
Speaker 1: it's like I don't, I don't, I don't know how
Speaker 1: much community college programs are, but let's I'm gonna throw
Speaker 1: a number out there. Let's say it's like fifty grand
Speaker 1: or some shit, right, if you're about to spend fifty
Speaker 1: if you I think the idea of you spending the money,
Speaker 1: of you investing the money that you've saved up into
Speaker 1: your game development career is a good idea. But I
Speaker 1: don't think that game development school is the best way
Speaker 1: to do that because, like you know, again I don't
Speaker 1: know anything about the game industry, but like you know,
Speaker 1: it costs money to make a game. I'm sure it
Speaker 1: costs money to market a game. Like I would just like,
Speaker 1: you know, make it. I mean, think about all those
Speaker 1: filmmakers who are like I didn't go to film school.
Speaker 1: I spent the money I would have spent going to
Speaker 1: film school to actually make a movie. And so if
Speaker 1: I were you, if I was going to do this,
Speaker 1: I would spend that I would allocate that money on
Speaker 1: making the game. Don't waste all don't spend all of
Speaker 1: your money on it, Like like you don't wanna like
Speaker 1: set aside some money like what like an emergency fund
Speaker 1: and like make it so that you're not like fucking
Speaker 1: kicking yourself for this. But like you know, it's okay
Speaker 1: to spend a little bit of money to be like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna I have this game idea that I want
Speaker 1: to really throw myself into marketing and making and doing.
Speaker 2: So.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's a bad idea, but spend as
Speaker 1: little money on it as you can, right, I mean,
Speaker 1: how much you have the software already to make the game.
Speaker 1: I don't know how much money it costs to like
Speaker 1: market something like this or to you know, run ads
Speaker 1: or you know, like I don't I don't know. I
Speaker 1: don't know what's evolved in it. But but you should
Speaker 1: go for it in some sense because because you know,
Speaker 1: you're so young, like you can always get another fucking job.
Speaker 1: You know it's worth it to try. I think it's
Speaker 1: worth it to try, and you don't have to go
Speaker 1: broke trying. And I wouldn't go try to go broke trying.
Speaker 1: But I don't know if I'm just diarrheating, but I
Speaker 1: think it's worth it to try. Because you're twenty three,
Speaker 1: you can just always get another fucking job. I'm I'm
Speaker 1: not a big fan of going to community college for
Speaker 1: game development. I think if you're gonna spend that, I
Speaker 1: think you don't need to spend that kind of money,
Speaker 1: and I think if you're gonna spend that kind of money,
Speaker 1: I think there's better ways to allocate the funds. I
Speaker 1: like your game, The Infernal Ascent. Is this your website?
Speaker 1: Tso uh, I want to get I want if if okay,
Speaker 1: if people, I want to share your game on the show,
Speaker 1: if anyone wants to listen, if anyone wants to play it.
Speaker 1: But it's a little hard to okay, Okay, so you're
Speaker 1: if you want to play this guy's game, you go
Speaker 1: to tie CEO. That's t I E S I O
Speaker 1: dot Itch Dot I O Slash Infernal Dash Ascent. If
Speaker 1: you want to play this guy's game. I like, I like,
Speaker 1: I like your game. Should make more games, keep going,
Speaker 1: keep going, Zach, all right, I think I think we
Speaker 1: did it. Unless if I have one more Okay, I
Speaker 1: have one more email. Okay. This is from Shark subject
Speaker 1: line inquiry about episode themes. I was wondering if every
Speaker 1: once in a while you could do an episode without
Speaker 1: sex or love themes. There are a few, but sometimes
Speaker 1: it can be a lot and bring back bad memories.
Speaker 1: The train hopping and Distant Dad stories were instant favorites
Speaker 1: for me because they were more about growth than decay.
Speaker 1: Thank you for your time and consideration. I appreciate everything
Speaker 1: you do. Get bless Mark. I don't. I just kind
Speaker 1: of well, actually, I guess this whole episode was a
Speaker 1: lot about love. Yeah, this whole episode was about love
Speaker 1: pretty much. So you're gonna be very disappointed when it
Speaker 1: comes out. But I just feel the call. I just
Speaker 1: feel the calls that come in. Brother listen, don't ask
Speaker 1: don't don't don't ask me, brother asked the universe. The
Speaker 1: universe is making the people want to talk about the
Speaker 1: things that they're talking about. I got no control over that.
Speaker 1: But I think I don't think. But the way you said,
Speaker 1: the way that you're implying that a lot of the
Speaker 1: episodes are about decay rather than growth, I disagree. I mean,
Speaker 1: I think this entire episode was about growth. Our boy
Speaker 1: from the beginning, Dustin and ah fuck, why am I
Speaker 1: forgetting Dustin and Charles? Dustin and Charles, I think both
Speaker 1: of them are like I like love. Those are both
Speaker 1: stories of growth to me, And uh, you know, I
Speaker 1: feel like a lot I feel like most of the
Speaker 1: time when people call into this show, it's like a
Speaker 1: story of growth. It's one of the reasons I like.
Speaker 1: I like doing it because it's helpful to me, you know,
Speaker 1: see other people, especially people who are like a little
Speaker 1: older than me, because I get scared about like, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, decaying. But it seems like a lot of
Speaker 1: people that get older, they don't grow. They don't decay,
Speaker 1: they grow. It's just nice. So I don't know. I
Speaker 1: hope you see that mark. All right, that's the end
Speaker 1: of the podcast. I'm gonna go thank you guys for listening.
Speaker 1: I think I'm gonna I might do an I R.
Speaker 1: I don't know, but I'm gonna do an I haven't
Speaker 1: done an IRL episode in a bit. Like people don't
Speaker 1: like to listen to them as much. It seems only
Speaker 1: by numbers. But I like doing them. They're fun. It's
Speaker 1: fun to go out as a get go and talk
Speaker 1: to people in real life. So I'm gonna do it again.
Speaker 1: I hope you listen to it. I hope you like it.
Speaker 1: I'm still working on my Iraq video. I haven't started
Speaker 1: it yet. I'm trying to do one. I trying to
Speaker 1: do one documentary a month. I was interact for a
Speaker 1: bit and then I got sick, So I don't know
Speaker 1: if I'm gonna get this fucking thing done on the
Speaker 1: timeline that I want to get it done, but i'm
Speaker 1: gonna get it done, and it's gonna be sick anyway. Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, I'm gonna stop talking. Thanks for listening, Get
Speaker 1: bless see you next time ever beacon goes on the
Speaker 1: line taking your phone calls. Every night every Beacon goes
Speaker 1: to and to ride. I'm just teaching you aloud in
Speaker 1: the mid of your life. But he's not really an expert.