WEBVTT - “I STABBED MYSELF BUT NOW I'M CHILLING” 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.000 Hey, what's up is this Charles. 0:00:03.200 --> 0:00:03.960 Ave It? 0:00:04.640 --> 0:00:04.800 Oh? 0:00:04.840 --> 0:00:05.880 This is the gecko guy? 0:00:06.400 --> 0:00:06.480 What? 0:00:06.600 --> 0:00:08.039 What the fuck? What's up? 0:00:08.039 --> 0:00:10.280 Man? Dude? How you doing? 0:00:10.840 --> 0:00:12.040 I'm doing good? How are you? 0:00:13.080 --> 0:00:14.800 Uh? I just pulled into the liquor store. I got 0:00:14.840 --> 0:00:15.760 done grocery shopping. 0:00:16.560 --> 0:00:17.880 How what did you get? 0:00:18.960 --> 0:00:21.680 I went to Sam's Club, So just bulk stuff like 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:23.919 paper towels and spounges and shit. 0:00:24.280 --> 0:00:29.520 How many paper towels? Uh? Came in the bulk paper 0:00:29.560 --> 0:00:30.840 towel unit that you guys? 0:00:30.840 --> 0:00:32.000 I think it's like a forty pack? 0:00:32.960 --> 0:00:34.720 Forty pack? How long do you think that'll last you? 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:35.400 A year? 0:00:35.680 --> 0:00:38.040 Probably like three months? Four months? 0:00:38.280 --> 0:00:40.519 Yeah? What are you using all those paper towels on? 0:00:41.920 --> 0:00:42.720 Uh? 0:00:42.880 --> 0:00:45.400 I mean my girlfriend has a really bad habit spilling stuff, 0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:47.760 so instead of dirty and rags, she just likes to 0:00:47.800 --> 0:00:49.080 grab paper towels. 0:00:50.520 --> 0:00:56.040 Do you think the onus of environmental conservation is on 0:00:56.240 --> 0:00:59.680 the people or or on like the governments and the corporations. 0:01:00.480 --> 0:01:02.720 I'm not a big paper towel person, but she needs them, 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:05.640 so that's why I get them. Same with paper plates. 0:01:05.680 --> 0:01:07.399 I come home and there's paper plates in the cupboard 0:01:07.400 --> 0:01:07.880 all the time. 0:01:09.480 --> 0:01:15.320 Yeah. No, I agree with that perspective. Anyway, Charles, your 0:01:15.360 --> 0:01:18.240 name is Yeah, what's up? 0:01:18.280 --> 0:01:19.720 Man? What I know? 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:22.679 So crazy? I've been listening to you for like since 0:01:22.680 --> 0:01:25.399 the pandemic. I got into you, and then I showed 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:28.000 you to my girlfriend and she listens to you every 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:30.360 time you post a new one on her way to 0:01:30.400 --> 0:01:32.759 work because she works down she like works an hour 0:01:32.760 --> 0:01:33.560 away from where we live. 0:01:34.440 --> 0:01:36.000 Cool. Well, what does she do? 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:40.000 She's like a Whole Foods like manager person. She works 0:01:40.000 --> 0:01:40.679 at Whole Foods. 0:01:41.920 --> 0:01:44.800 Does she come home a lot with like stories of 0:01:44.920 --> 0:01:47.520 like people being shitty to her at Whole Foods? 0:01:48.400 --> 0:01:48.640 Uh? 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:51.160 Yeah, A bunch of like homeless people too, because it's 0:01:51.160 --> 0:01:53.480 like right downtown, a bunch of homeless people that like 0:01:53.560 --> 0:01:55.800 make shit all over the toilet seats and everything. It's 0:01:55.840 --> 0:01:58.720 pretty gross me and customers. I hear that all the time. 0:01:59.240 --> 0:02:02.720 Also famous Beeple too tranded, Charlie Day not too long ago? 0:02:03.360 --> 0:02:03.720 Really? 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:05.440 Yeah, that's pretty cool. 0:02:05.720 --> 0:02:07.080 Are you guys in Los Angeles? 0:02:08.240 --> 0:02:13.320 No, man, we're in Utah? Oh yeah, what. 0:02:14.760 --> 0:02:17.600 Are all these famous people doing in Utah? 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:20.040 So surprisingly, there's like quite a bit of films I 0:02:20.080 --> 0:02:22.320 get filmed around like Salt Lake and and like the 0:02:22.360 --> 0:02:26.399 mountains and stuff, and like downtown like towards Provo, and 0:02:26.440 --> 0:02:29.480 a lot of Ogden, like Ogden's where we're from, and 0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:32.359 like Halloween's been filmed up here. Like, uh, there's this 0:02:32.440 --> 0:02:35.000 Chivy Chase movie that was also filmed up here. Like 0:02:35.040 --> 0:02:38.360 a bunch of older like eighties and like mid nineties 0:02:38.360 --> 0:02:40.959 movies were filmed in Augden. Dumb and Dumber was filmed 0:02:40.960 --> 0:02:42.200 in Ogden and in Salt Lake. 0:02:45.800 --> 0:02:48.120 Charles, you sent me a bunch of texts? Can I 0:02:48.160 --> 0:02:49.160 read a few of them? Is that? 0:02:49.200 --> 0:02:51.919 Okay? Yeah, that's cool. 0:02:52.080 --> 0:02:54.080 Oh, some of them are a little uh, some of 0:02:54.080 --> 0:02:57.040 them are at least a year old. But I'll bring Yeah, dude. 0:02:56.880 --> 0:03:00.240 I've been trying to I've been I downloaded Twitch so 0:03:00.280 --> 0:03:02.920 I could like get your messages and then like I 0:03:03.040 --> 0:03:06.800 was sitting watching that, I'll call and I'll message. So 0:03:06.919 --> 0:03:09.280 this is actually kind of crazy, man, like not gonna lie. 0:03:09.760 --> 0:03:12.160 Okay, you know, I'm gonna I'll just start going through 0:03:12.160 --> 0:03:17.040 the list because there's a lot of stuff here. Yeah, okay, 0:03:17.440 --> 0:03:21.160 first when you text me, was I stuck a knife 0:03:21.360 --> 0:03:24.040 four inches into my chest last year? 0:03:26.120 --> 0:03:27.120 Yeah? That did happen? 0:03:28.320 --> 0:03:30.000 Well, what was up with that? 0:03:32.440 --> 0:03:32.600 Uh? 0:03:32.680 --> 0:03:34.680 Let me go through the thought process of it all. 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:42.200 So I was in a really bad place in life, 0:03:42.520 --> 0:03:45.000 and I was a severe, severe alcoholic, Like I like 0:03:45.000 --> 0:03:46.320 to have a drink every now and then, like it's 0:03:46.360 --> 0:03:48.560 the weekend, you know, So yeah, I like to have 0:03:48.600 --> 0:03:50.360 a little bit of whiskey here in there. But I 0:03:50.400 --> 0:03:53.080 was in a really abusive relationship with my ex and 0:03:53.760 --> 0:03:55.640 she like beat the shit out of me and just 0:03:55.720 --> 0:03:58.360 kind of treated me like absolute shit. And I hit 0:03:58.440 --> 0:04:01.320 a one night there was just like the straw that 0:04:01.360 --> 0:04:03.400 broke the camel's back. I had a drink like a 0:04:03.400 --> 0:04:05.920 whole handle a jim Beam, and then like half a 0:04:05.960 --> 0:04:10.400 big bottle of Nadrill, And I remember laying on the 0:04:10.400 --> 0:04:14.480 couch and just grabbed the knife and I just kind 0:04:14.480 --> 0:04:17.760 of like I held it and then just stuck it 0:04:17.880 --> 0:04:20.080 deep into my chest. I got a giant hole like 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:21.760 where it is like when I flexed my peck like 0:04:21.800 --> 0:04:27.240 an indentse And yeah, I woke up in the ICU. 0:04:27.680 --> 0:04:31.440 I remember seeing this old lady like telling me I 0:04:31.440 --> 0:04:33.120 can't leave, and I kept telling her to fuck off, 0:04:33.279 --> 0:04:34.520 and she's like, no, you can't leave. 0:04:34.560 --> 0:04:35.360 I was like fuck you. 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:37.520 And then yeah, I woke up in the ICU with 0:04:38.080 --> 0:04:39.880 I got a big zipper from my belly button into 0:04:39.880 --> 0:04:42.520 my pubiccare from like they had to go there and 0:04:42.640 --> 0:04:44.200 I got a big scar on my back where they 0:04:44.200 --> 0:04:45.839 had to take a piece of my lung out everything. 0:04:45.880 --> 0:04:49.440 It was. It's pretty gnarly. 0:04:50.360 --> 0:04:50.560 Yeah. 0:04:50.600 --> 0:04:52.880 I got a great girlfriend now though, she's very supportive 0:04:52.880 --> 0:04:54.599 and loving and wonderful person. 0:04:54.920 --> 0:04:57.279 So you were drunk. So you were drunk and four 0:04:57.320 --> 0:04:59.720 inches is no fucking joke. I mean that's really that's 0:04:59.760 --> 0:04:59.960 in you. 0:05:00.040 --> 0:05:01.440 Yeah, it's it was. 0:05:01.680 --> 0:05:04.719 I punctured my diaphragm and like it was. It was 0:05:04.760 --> 0:05:08.200 pretty I mean, it's a giant invent in my chest. Man. 0:05:10.080 --> 0:05:16.400 And you woke up in the end, so somebody called, Yeah, 0:05:16.400 --> 0:05:22.400 it was my ex and do you still have? Like 0:05:22.400 --> 0:05:24.200 this was okay, So this was two years ago then, 0:05:24.240 --> 0:05:25.280 because you sent me the text to you. 0:05:25.480 --> 0:05:27.800 Yeah, this was almost going on you almost going on 0:05:27.839 --> 0:05:28.400 three years? 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:30.320 Do you uh do you still have? I mean, I 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:31.839 know you still have the hole in your chest? Do 0:05:31.880 --> 0:05:34.720 you are there any other like lasting things? 0:05:36.200 --> 0:05:39.760 I'm like kind of like I wouldn't say paralyzed, but 0:05:39.800 --> 0:05:41.320 you know that feeling like when you sit on your 0:05:41.320 --> 0:05:43.040 hands for too long or something and it goes asleep 0:05:43.040 --> 0:05:46.960 and sal keenly. Yeah, that effect is still kind of 0:05:46.960 --> 0:05:50.240 like underneath my bicep and like my peck and everything, 0:05:50.320 --> 0:05:52.960 and it's like super sensitive to touch. Like my girlfriend 0:05:53.000 --> 0:05:54.680 will be like laying on me and then like touch 0:05:54.720 --> 0:05:57.040 it and it kind of like gives me a little jolty, 0:05:57.400 --> 0:05:58.720 going m hm. 0:05:59.360 --> 0:06:01.680 You sound like you're you're doing better now than you 0:06:01.800 --> 0:06:03.279 were when you did that. 0:06:04.360 --> 0:06:06.520 Oh yeah, wonderful. Man, I'm kicking ass. I've been at 0:06:06.560 --> 0:06:09.080 my job for like five years now. I mean me 0:06:09.160 --> 0:06:12.040 and this girl, my new girl. Uh, we've been together 0:06:12.160 --> 0:06:15.120 about we're celebrating our two year anniversary coming up here 0:06:15.279 --> 0:06:15.880 like next week. 0:06:16.040 --> 0:06:17.520 So that's dope. Cool. 0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:19.000 We've been trying to do all the fall stuff. 0:06:22.000 --> 0:06:23.159 Yeah, it's so crazy. 0:06:23.160 --> 0:06:24.640 I'm on the phone with the gek dude. 0:06:24.400 --> 0:06:24.719 What's it. 0:06:25.640 --> 0:06:27.160 Yeah, you got you guys just like you guys go 0:06:27.240 --> 0:06:28.520 to like the pumpkin patch and shit. 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:31.080 Uh, she wants to go hit up a haunted house 0:06:31.120 --> 0:06:33.480 tomorrow because we got them local and like corn mazes 0:06:33.520 --> 0:06:33.839 and shit. 0:06:35.600 --> 0:06:37.200 That's cool. How old is your girlfriend? 0:06:38.000 --> 0:06:40.839 She's thirty one and got to be thirty two next months. 0:06:40.920 --> 0:06:45.200 So early birthdays and I'm I'm I had thirty four. 0:06:45.240 --> 0:06:47.680 I turned thirty five in May. When did you a 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:49.880 little older than most of the people out here on here? 0:06:50.560 --> 0:06:52.279 Yeah, I feel like that. I feel like there's a 0:06:52.600 --> 0:06:54.800 solid eighteen to forty. 0:06:55.320 --> 0:06:57.640 Range going on, that's true. 0:07:00.320 --> 0:07:01.799 When did you meet your girlfriend? 0:07:01.839 --> 0:07:01.919 Like? 0:07:01.920 --> 0:07:02.719 Where'd you meet her? 0:07:03.720 --> 0:07:03.920 Oh? 0:07:04.000 --> 0:07:05.040 I met her on Hinge? 0:07:05.080 --> 0:07:10.840 Actually that's cool. I'm yeah, go ahead, go ahead. 0:07:11.240 --> 0:07:11.840 Oh no, yeah. 0:07:11.880 --> 0:07:11.960 No. 0:07:12.040 --> 0:07:15.800 She's originally from San Jose and she had moved out 0:07:15.840 --> 0:07:18.680 here because she like was dating some dude and then 0:07:18.720 --> 0:07:21.040 she moved out to like Salt Lake to be with him. 0:07:21.360 --> 0:07:22.640 And then I guess he turned out to be a 0:07:22.640 --> 0:07:25.840 total dirtbag and was kind of a piece of shit. 0:07:26.000 --> 0:07:28.280 And then I was just I wasn't dating women for 0:07:28.280 --> 0:07:30.400 a while after all that whole thing with my ex happened. 0:07:30.560 --> 0:07:32.679 I was kind of like, you know, here and there dating, 0:07:32.760 --> 0:07:35.320 But I had came across her on Hinge and we 0:07:35.400 --> 0:07:38.640 like met and hung out and we kept doing that. 0:07:38.760 --> 0:07:41.600 And then next thing, you know, like we're sitting there 0:07:41.600 --> 0:07:44.040 talking and she's in a rough pot, like a rough patch, 0:07:44.080 --> 0:07:46.720 and I was in a little studio and she ended 0:07:46.760 --> 0:07:48.800 up hating to always stay with me, and she kind 0:07:48.800 --> 0:07:51.920 of like gracefully moved her stuff in and I was like, 0:07:51.960 --> 0:07:53.720 I'm cool with it, but I was like telling her, like, 0:07:53.800 --> 0:07:55.680 you know, I just got out of this nutty, extra 0:07:55.840 --> 0:07:59.680 like past relationship, so you know, things need to be 0:07:59.760 --> 0:08:01.880 kind of these are the ground rules of kind of 0:08:01.880 --> 0:08:05.600 how I am and everything. And she just she was 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:08.360 always there for me and just always caring and just 0:08:08.440 --> 0:08:11.400 whatever I needed to talk like, she was there. And 0:08:11.520 --> 0:08:14.040 next thing you know, it's like we're full blown living together. 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:17.000 And I got a bigger apartment in the same building 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:19.560 that we lived in, and we did that for like 0:08:20.280 --> 0:08:23.320 the rest of my lease, and then just this year 0:08:23.360 --> 0:08:25.400 we moved into a new two bedroom so it's a 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:28.240 bigger place. It's actually a lot nicer. So yeah, things 0:08:28.240 --> 0:08:28.920 are going great. 0:08:29.720 --> 0:08:33.079 Bro, that's awesome. I love this. I love I gotta 0:08:33.120 --> 0:08:36.000 say this podcast is like it's a lot of it 0:08:36.040 --> 0:08:41.160 is truly therapy for me because I'm I'm I'm I'm 0:08:41.280 --> 0:08:44.439 terrified of like being I'm like, the idea of being 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:48.559 on hinge in my thirties just yeah, that fucking sounds awful. 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:51.360 But it worked out. But I'm like, Okay, it worked 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:51.840 out for you. 0:08:52.920 --> 0:08:54.400 Yeah, Well, I feel like, I mean, I'm not to 0:08:54.440 --> 0:08:56.240 sound conceded or anything. I feel like I'm a decent 0:08:56.240 --> 0:08:59.840 looking dude. Like I'm six three, like two hundred pounds, 0:08:59.880 --> 0:09:03.160 like I got green eyes. I'm a pretty decent looking dude. 0:09:03.160 --> 0:09:04.080 I guess you could say so. 0:09:04.960 --> 0:09:06.640 But and my girlfriend's beautiful. 0:09:06.920 --> 0:09:09.800 So, like I said, not just sound conceited or anything, 0:09:10.000 --> 0:09:13.640 but like the dating apps never really scared me or anything. 0:09:13.679 --> 0:09:15.640 I'm honestly worse talking on the dating apps than I 0:09:15.640 --> 0:09:18.559 am in person. Yeah. 0:09:18.559 --> 0:09:19.800 I feel like that's probably most people. 0:09:20.720 --> 0:09:24.240 Yeah, it's weird, like you don't have the more context 0:09:24.240 --> 0:09:24.720 of everything. 0:09:25.440 --> 0:09:30.280 Well, let's see. Okay, so I'm gonna keep going down 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:30.720 the list. 0:09:31.520 --> 0:09:32.440 Yeah, no, go ahead. 0:09:33.559 --> 0:09:36.680 You texted me, Actually, you texted me all these on 0:09:36.720 --> 0:09:41.280 the same day. You said, my dog is fourteen, and 0:09:41.360 --> 0:09:44.120 I don't know how I'm gonna handle him passing away. 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:46.280 Yeah. 0:09:46.360 --> 0:09:48.880 We he passed away in March of this year. 0:09:49.080 --> 0:09:50.120 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:50.440 Man. 0:09:51.160 --> 0:09:52.840 Yeah, that was my buddy. I got him since he 0:09:52.920 --> 0:09:53.439 was a puppy. 0:09:53.920 --> 0:09:54.400 I'm sorry. 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:58.320 It was It was really rough, and luckily Laurna was 0:09:58.320 --> 0:10:01.200 there with me, so she u helped it with everything, 0:10:01.280 --> 0:10:03.600 and I got a nice little cedar box and he 0:10:03.640 --> 0:10:05.520 hangs out in the living room. With us all the time, 0:10:05.640 --> 0:10:09.200 so it's it's still rough. Sometimes I'll go through pictures 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:11.320 and just like, look at all the fun times of 0:10:11.440 --> 0:10:13.840 him in the in the river and just us hanging out, 0:10:13.880 --> 0:10:18.360 and we would go to the bars together downtown and everybody, 0:10:18.400 --> 0:10:19.959 like all the patrons would just love him, and he 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:22.160 would just love everyone there. So he was welcoming all 0:10:22.200 --> 0:10:23.040 the bars downtown. 0:10:24.960 --> 0:10:28.719 How about this? Uh, I need somebody. Then you then 0:10:28.720 --> 0:10:31.440 you texted me this three months after texting me those things. 0:10:31.480 --> 0:10:34.680 You said, I need some advice about being an adult. 0:10:36.160 --> 0:10:42.480 Oh, well, man, I'm barely remembering any of these honestly. Well, 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:44.360 I mean, fuck, are you an adult? I don't. We 0:10:44.360 --> 0:10:46.160 don't have kids yet or anything, so I don't feel 0:10:46.160 --> 0:10:49.199 like I'm adulting adult thing. But all my bills are 0:10:49.200 --> 0:10:52.040 paid and I have a full time job and health 0:10:52.040 --> 0:10:54.959 and dental and optic like insurance, So I feel like 0:10:55.000 --> 0:10:56.400 I'm adulting enough at the moment. 0:10:57.200 --> 0:10:59.880 Mm hmm. You know, and you don't remember, Yeah, I 0:11:00.200 --> 0:11:02.000 am I an adult? No, I feel like you're not 0:11:02.040 --> 0:11:04.640 a real adult. I feel like the the level of 0:11:04.679 --> 0:11:08.640 adultness that you are is directly, in my opinion, directly 0:11:08.720 --> 0:11:16.240 proportional to the amount of things external to you that 0:11:16.400 --> 0:11:18.280 require you to exist. 0:11:19.360 --> 0:11:21.400 Yeah, I mean having a child is the biggest one. Like, 0:11:21.400 --> 0:11:24.120 I got two twin cousins and they're twenty four and 0:11:24.200 --> 0:11:25.720 one of them already has three children. 0:11:26.160 --> 0:11:27.760 No shit, that's crazy, that's wild. 0:11:27.920 --> 0:11:28.120 Yeah. 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:31.560 Yeah, yeah, he's already living the dad life at twenty four. 0:11:31.600 --> 0:11:34.640 And at twenty four I was a major pothead and 0:11:34.679 --> 0:11:36.800 also kind of a drug user back in the day. 0:11:36.920 --> 0:11:41.800 So are you planning on having kids? Do you want? 0:11:41.880 --> 0:11:43.400 Is that something you want? At some point? 0:11:43.920 --> 0:11:46.680 We have talked about it, actually, you know, because we're 0:11:46.679 --> 0:11:49.520 not getting any younger, and you know, we're both set 0:11:49.559 --> 0:11:51.360 up pretty good with like our jobs and everything, and 0:11:51.440 --> 0:11:54.800 we always want to pursue better like routes and all that. 0:11:55.400 --> 0:11:57.920 But it's it's been in the it's been in the 0:11:57.960 --> 0:11:59.480 works talking about it and everything. 0:12:00.040 --> 0:12:04.040 Mm hmmmm hmm. What did you do You remember anything 0:12:04.080 --> 0:12:06.719 about what you said you needed advice on for being 0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:08.559 an adult when you sent this text? 0:12:09.040 --> 0:12:10.760 I really don't, man, It was probably just one of 0:12:10.760 --> 0:12:14.040 those like I heard you and I was just like 0:12:14.200 --> 0:12:17.520 spam texting you. Yeah, so it was probably just one 0:12:17.559 --> 0:12:19.680 of those stupid things. I don't I honestly never thought 0:12:20.160 --> 0:12:21.679 I would get a call from the get go. This 0:12:21.760 --> 0:12:23.000 is pretty nuts, man. 0:12:23.200 --> 0:12:26.320 Okay, I'm gonna keep going. You said my girlfriend is 0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:26.840 a witch? 0:12:29.559 --> 0:12:31.800 What the fuck? Yeah? I don't remember any of these. 0:12:31.920 --> 0:12:33.600 Yeah, she kind of can be. This was when I 0:12:33.600 --> 0:12:37.920 took mushrooms though, I had ate like an eighthick mushrooms, 0:12:38.240 --> 0:12:41.240 and she had like came home from work and for 0:12:41.280 --> 0:12:43.280 some reason, just like her whole face kind of like 0:12:43.400 --> 0:12:47.480 kept morphing into that old witch lady from Snow White 0:12:47.480 --> 0:12:49.000 and the Seven Doors, you know what I'm talking about, 0:12:49.040 --> 0:12:52.160 with like the ward on her nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 0:12:52.160 --> 0:12:55.120 she kind of kept morphing into that. So I kind 0:12:55.160 --> 0:12:56.920 of I kept calling her a witch that night. So 0:12:56.960 --> 0:12:58.480 I think this was around that time when all this 0:12:58.600 --> 0:12:59.120 was going down. 0:13:00.440 --> 0:13:00.800 Hm hmm. 0:13:02.640 --> 0:13:04.760 You seem like you got a good lie, you know, honestly, 0:13:04.800 --> 0:13:08.920 the fact that you seem like for having gotten drunk 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:11.000 and I got when you stab when you stab yourself 0:13:11.040 --> 0:13:12.200 with the knife, were you like, were you trying to 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:13.800 kill yourself or were you just like. 0:13:13.760 --> 0:13:14.679 I'm oh, yeah I was. 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:14.960 I was. 0:13:15.040 --> 0:13:16.840 No, I was trying to I was trying to end it, man, 0:13:17.040 --> 0:13:20.320 like I was. I was done. But then for some reason, 0:13:20.320 --> 0:13:23.600 that old that old fucking lady. Like it was so weird, 0:13:23.679 --> 0:13:25.600 Like you know what a ches like a cheese grader, 0:13:25.640 --> 0:13:29.719 a metal cheese grad. Yeah, so you like flip it 0:13:29.760 --> 0:13:31.360 on its side and then look in it and it 0:13:31.400 --> 0:13:32.360 has all the holes and shit. 0:13:32.800 --> 0:13:34.000 Yeah, like I was. 0:13:34.080 --> 0:13:36.600 I was inside of a fucking cheese grader. And then 0:13:36.640 --> 0:13:38.720 like at the end of it was like this old 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:41.080 lady and like a black coat and I couldn't really 0:13:41.080 --> 0:13:42.760 see her face, and she kept telling me I couldn't 0:13:42.760 --> 0:13:45.400 fucking leave and I kept saying, fuck you bitch, get 0:13:45.400 --> 0:13:47.439 me out of here. And then yeah, next again, I 0:13:47.480 --> 0:13:48.240 woke up in a nice U. 0:13:48.520 --> 0:13:52.840 So, man, I and what this You were like you 0:13:52.920 --> 0:13:56.319 were thirties, thirty one something like that. 0:13:57.440 --> 0:13:59.600 Ye, so yeah about thirty one. 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:03.120 Yeah, man, now you're you seem like you're doing pretty well. 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:05.760 Now you seem like you don't want to kill your No. 0:14:05.960 --> 0:14:08.760 Man, life's fucking awesome. I've always thought life is beautiful, 0:14:09.160 --> 0:14:11.240 but you know, it can it can be a bitch 0:14:11.280 --> 0:14:13.440 at times. I mean, when isn't it. It's like everyone 0:14:13.480 --> 0:14:16.199 has their problems, Like I mean, we just My mom's 0:14:16.280 --> 0:14:18.000 kind of going through a tough time right now. She's 0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:20.480 a she just got out of the ICU yesterday and 0:14:20.560 --> 0:14:22.320 we went down and saw her in Salt Lake. So 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:25.960 she's not doing so well. So that's another worry to 0:14:26.040 --> 0:14:27.240 my adultingness, I guess. 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:31.920 But still, I mean, you're doing you're doing uh, I 0:14:31.920 --> 0:14:34.120 mean all these things, right, I mean, you tried to 0:14:34.200 --> 0:14:38.600 kill yourself three years ago, thirty one. Now you're doing now, 0:14:38.600 --> 0:14:40.160 you seem like you're doing well. You seem like you 0:14:40.280 --> 0:14:43.120 like life. You seem like you're not near doing that again. 0:14:44.880 --> 0:14:48.160 Your dog passed away, which was I'm sure tough, but 0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:51.600 you're still but you're still here. You're still here, You're 0:14:51.640 --> 0:14:54.600 still doing it. I don't know, I'm inspired by your existence. 0:14:54.720 --> 0:14:56.480 I really this is one of the things I like 0:14:56.560 --> 0:14:58.920 doing about this show, and maybe one of the reasons 0:14:58.960 --> 0:15:00.840 people like listening to is. I don't know, I just 0:15:01.400 --> 0:15:06.240 there's something, really, there's just something reassuring about like observing 0:15:06.280 --> 0:15:11.640 a life that's been like lived and and seeing it 0:15:11.720 --> 0:15:14.880 presently just to be like, because because you know, when 0:15:14.920 --> 0:15:17.040 you're in that thing where you want to kill yourself, 0:15:17.160 --> 0:15:21.480 you really you just truly are doing it because you 0:15:21.480 --> 0:15:27.000 you you can't bro yeah, you just you just can't 0:15:27.080 --> 0:15:30.920 possibly imagine that there's a future in which you are. 0:15:31.120 --> 0:15:34.120 You don't want it to like fucking kill yourself. And 0:15:34.160 --> 0:15:36.720 so it's yeah, and it's just cool. It's cool talking 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:39.200 to you and being like, oh, well you know you 0:15:39.360 --> 0:15:40.560 there that exists. 0:15:41.240 --> 0:15:41.440 Yeah. 0:15:41.640 --> 0:15:44.080 It was just a whole conglomerate of things that led 0:15:44.160 --> 0:15:47.160 up to that. Like I had just gotten back from Mexico, 0:15:47.760 --> 0:15:50.080 and because I took a week vacation in Mexico, down 0:15:50.120 --> 0:15:55.440 in Guadalaa or yeah, Gudalaa or something Gudala yeah, Guadalajara, 0:15:56.520 --> 0:15:58.600 and the only ended up my job only paid me 0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:00.320 like three days of vacation pay, and I ended up 0:16:00.360 --> 0:16:02.240 flipping out and like walked out, which is the same 0:16:02.320 --> 0:16:08.040 job I'm still at. And I it's funny, I didn't 0:16:08.240 --> 0:16:10.280 ask for my job back. My boss called me literally 0:16:10.360 --> 0:16:12.120 like two days after I got out of the hospital 0:16:12.120 --> 0:16:13.520 and asked if I wanted to come back to work, 0:16:13.560 --> 0:16:15.160 and I was like, well, I got a funny story 0:16:15.160 --> 0:16:18.880 for you, but just that, and then like I didn't 0:16:18.920 --> 0:16:20.360 have a job at the moment, and I didn't want 0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:22.360 to go on unemployment and then I was drinking like 0:16:22.440 --> 0:16:26.080 a handle of whiskey a day, like and then just 0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:28.800 completely out of it, and I didn't have a car. 0:16:28.960 --> 0:16:32.600 I felt unmotivated. I felt just like a worthless piece 0:16:32.600 --> 0:16:36.920 of shit that was just like existing and just you know, 0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:39.120 like after my ex was telling me that she was 0:16:39.120 --> 0:16:41.040 fucking the neighbor and then she was fucking this dude. 0:16:41.120 --> 0:16:44.760 And I'm just drunk as fuck on whiskey. And I 0:16:44.760 --> 0:16:47.440 grabbed a big bottle of Benagerial eight half of it 0:16:47.840 --> 0:16:49.600 and then finished it with the rest of my handle 0:16:49.640 --> 0:16:52.040 and I went in and grabbed the sharpest chef knife 0:16:52.040 --> 0:16:54.400 that I have, and I just I sat there for 0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:57.080 a minute and contemplated and contemplated. I was like slashing 0:16:57.120 --> 0:16:58.480 it around my neck, so I kind of got some 0:16:58.520 --> 0:17:01.120 scars on my neck. And then after that, I just 0:17:01.160 --> 0:17:04.320 said fuck it and like I like drove it into 0:17:04.320 --> 0:17:07.879 my chest and yeah, I remember a bunch of blood 0:17:07.920 --> 0:17:10.199 coming out, and I said, I called her name, and 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:11.920 then next thing and I like blacked out and woke 0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:17.120 up to then I see you, man, So yeah, I mean. 0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:20.440 Tried, you tried to quit. Yeah, you tried to quit 0:17:20.480 --> 0:17:24.200 your job and quit life and you're yeah, and you're 0:17:24.640 --> 0:17:26.120 and you're employed and alive. 0:17:26.280 --> 0:17:29.119 Still yeah, man, kicking ass like and I got a 0:17:29.160 --> 0:17:31.359 car now too, like and we got a cat. Our 0:17:31.400 --> 0:17:33.439 cat's pretty cool. She's an asshole to me, but she 0:17:33.440 --> 0:17:34.040 loves her mom. 0:17:35.119 --> 0:17:35.320 Man. 0:17:35.560 --> 0:17:37.120 Wait, so what's up with the drinking? Now? 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:37.439 Are you? 0:17:37.640 --> 0:17:40.399