Speaker 1: You're listening to comedy Central. Yew. Let's begin with explosive news.
Speaker 2: Secrets are out about the war in Afghanistan, not.
Speaker 3: Just a leak, but a flood of secret documents, ninety
Speaker 3: two thousand documents.
Speaker 4: It's the biggest leak in US military history.
Speaker 5: Really, ninety two thousand pages. I would hope that would
Speaker 5: be the biggest leak, seeing as that beats the Pentagon
Speaker 5: papers by I don't know, eighty five thousand pages. Perhaps
Speaker 5: this might be an appropriate time to let leakers of
Speaker 5: military documents know it's not a competition.
Speaker 1: So it's some top secrets.
Speaker 6: We just came from an off camera session with Colonel
Speaker 6: Dave Lapana, Pentagon spokesman.
Speaker 7: He says it looks to be secret in nature, not
Speaker 7: top secret.
Speaker 1: No, it's just secret. I was worried. I thought it
Speaker 1: tops It's just secret.
Speaker 5: That is a much lower security classification that topsier. It
Speaker 5: actually goes army classification wise, a secret, then top secret,
Speaker 5: and then of course I believe pop secret. That is
Speaker 5: where all of our military information is encoded in fluffy
Speaker 5: and delicious butter coated kernels. Oh sopernicious. An intelligence breach
Speaker 5: of this magnitude must have been coordinated by a conspiracy
Speaker 5: of high level masterminds with ninja like powers of concealment.
Speaker 8: Last May, a California computer hacker was contacted online by
Speaker 8: someone calling himself Brad Ass eighty seven. He said he
Speaker 8: was an Army intelligence analyst deployed to Baghdad who had
Speaker 8: access to classified networks that showed incredible things, awful things
Speaker 8: that belong in the public domain.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm gonna stop.
Speaker 5: You right there, Brad Ass eighty seven. Really the incredible
Speaker 5: supermul spy went by the name Brad Ass eighty seven
Speaker 5: and told the computer hacker that he was in Army intelligence.
Speaker 1: Let me take awhay and trying to solve this.
Speaker 5: Maybe I've been watching Bones too much, but computer search
Speaker 5: through the files looking for an army specialist named Brad
Speaker 5: who's eighty seven years old, no wait, born in nineteen
Speaker 5: eighty seven, and.
Speaker 8: Go on May twenty sixth Army specialist Brad Manning born
Speaker 8: in nineteen eighty seven was arrested outside of Baghdad and
Speaker 8: is now in a military prison.
Speaker 1: How did they find him? How did they do it? Well?
Speaker 1: In Sherlock Holms.
Speaker 5: By the way, Brad, you also might want to delete
Speaker 5: your Army specialist dot Brad Manning backslash leak guy at
Speaker 5: it was me dot Brad Manning. Does brad ass eighty
Speaker 5: seven have any idea what he's done to the American military,
Speaker 5: Not to mention what he's done to the life of
Speaker 5: Dove soap Air Bradford Assington, the eighty seventh.
Speaker 1: Path.
Speaker 5: He suffered enough for Christ's sake, the eighty seventh generation
Speaker 5: of Assington's.
Speaker 1: All the money in the world can't change that last name.
Speaker 1: That's why he's a douchebag?
Speaker 9: Is that?
Speaker 1: I'm just curious? Is that a stop photo? I'm over.
Speaker 5: Guys that we're going I thought that was a modeling job. Look,
Speaker 5: maybe Manning didn't need a secret name. Maybe his data
Speaker 5: collection skills were that stealth.
Speaker 10: He allegedly also described how he downloaded the classified information.
Speaker 10: I would come in with music on a CD labeled
Speaker 10: with something like Lady Gaga, and he raced the music
Speaker 10: recording intelligence out of the CD instead, allegedly writing that
Speaker 10: he lip sync to Lady Gaga while exciltrating possibly the
Speaker 10: largest datas village in American history.
Speaker 5: I believe the obvious question here is how does a
Speaker 5: soldier sit around lip syncing to Lady Gaga all day
Speaker 5: and not run a foul of don't ask, don't tell that.
Speaker 1: That has got to be a substitute for telling no.
Speaker 5: So WikiLeaks dot org has posted ninety two thousand classified
Speaker 5: documents about the Afghan war online.
Speaker 1: Well, let's le let's let's take a look.
Speaker 9: What is the uh?
Speaker 11: Is it?
Speaker 1: Oh? Okay? Wow?
Speaker 5: Apparently our worst strategy in Afghanistan is being encoded in
Speaker 5: Justin Bieber's Twitter account. Any news organizations out there taking
Speaker 5: the time to maybe wade through these documents and boil
Speaker 5: it down a bit for us.
Speaker 8: The leaked records give precise accounts of missions gone horribly wrong.
Speaker 8: Helicopters shot down, two religious schools are providing ninety five
Speaker 8: percent of suicide attackers. There is also horrifying detail about
Speaker 8: civilian deaths. In two thousand and seven, Pakistan's military intelligence agency,
Speaker 8: the ISI, is helping the Afghan insurgency attack American troops.
Speaker 9: What the.
Speaker 1: Pakistanis do? We give them billions of dollars.
Speaker 5: Of aid that Pakistan is funneling that money.
Speaker 1: To the Taliban.
Speaker 5: One of the chief financial contributors to our enemy is US.
Speaker 5: We have ostensibly put a hit out on ourselves.
Speaker 1: This is insanity. Or to put it another way, Oh, I.
Speaker 7: Think there's nothing new really here.
Speaker 12: This is sort of a storm in a teacup.
Speaker 7: The substance, frankly, is not new.
Speaker 10: On the content, there really is nothing essentially fundamentally new.
Speaker 5: Yees see, I'm not wrecking to the newness of it.
Speaker 5: I'm reacting to the uppardness of it. What does it
Speaker 5: take to get you guys fired up?
Speaker 1: What does it do?
Speaker 5: Seriously, what all these documents are doing is exposing the
Speaker 5: existential trap we find ourselves in in Afghanistan.
Speaker 1: I guess it's no kid may or may not be
Speaker 1: in balloon.
Speaker 5: That was crazy that whole afternoon. I was like in there,
Speaker 5: I'm terrible.
Speaker 1: Have you heard the news?
Speaker 5: Extra extra future President Hillary Clinton may have to pardon
Speaker 5: former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
Speaker 13: A bombshell report that Hillary Clinton may have violated the
Speaker 13: law during her time at the State Department.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh
Speaker 1: my god. What did you do?
Speaker 5: Did she she funnel arms to Isis to pay for
Speaker 5: a land deal in Arkansas? Did she sell Alaska back
Speaker 5: to the Russians in exchange for their silence on Benghazi?
Speaker 5: What did she do pad her resume with fake countries
Speaker 5: she supposedly negotiated treaties with. I should have known there
Speaker 5: was no such thing as pants suit.
Speaker 1: As Stan.
Speaker 14: Hit me with the bad news, it appears that while
Speaker 14: she was Secretary of State, she did not have an
Speaker 14: official email account at all.
Speaker 5: Oh is that against the law not to have an
Speaker 5: email again? I mean, it seems less of a scandal
Speaker 5: and more of like a nerd snap, like, Oh, she's
Speaker 5: so old she doesn't even have.
Speaker 1: An official email account.
Speaker 5: I mean, what's the big deal about not having an
Speaker 5: email account? Or what am I missing here?
Speaker 3: Hillary Clinton may have broken federal record keeping rules by
Speaker 3: using a personal email account instead of a state department account.
Speaker 3: The official rules are that you're supposed to use government accounts,
Speaker 3: which are saved for public record and are considered more secure.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, well that's not nothing. That's when she should
Speaker 1: have done that, right.
Speaker 5: But don't we have a facility in Utah that collects
Speaker 5: all of our email anyway, solving the whole archive problem.
Speaker 1: Can't you just ask them or they don't talk to
Speaker 1: you either. Why is this coming out now?
Speaker 5: Wasn't it clear to anybody who emailed Secretary Clinton during
Speaker 5: that time, that her email address was her personal email.
Speaker 11: Or somebody in the White House in the West Wing.
Speaker 11: How didn email to send to the Sector of State?
Speaker 11: Did they just use her private email? How did they
Speaker 11: get in contact with her? Did that never raise a
Speaker 11: flag inside the West Wing?
Speaker 5: I did it not also raise a red flag in
Speaker 5: the West Wing that her personal email was don't tell
Speaker 5: anyone about this account at secret slash sh.
Speaker 1: Dot definitely not gov.
Speaker 9: Come out.
Speaker 5: I felt like the State Department didn't eventually get all
Speaker 5: the Clinton emails that Clinton decided they should get.
Speaker 2: In twenty fourteen, Clinton did hand over fifty five thousand
Speaker 2: pages after the State Department sent a written request for
Speaker 2: the records. AIDS say they tossed out Clinton's personal notes,
Speaker 2: like memos on her daughter's wedding.
Speaker 5: I believe it is a sign that you have been
Speaker 5: in government too long when you write memos about your
Speaker 5: daughter's wedding.
Speaker 1: Read the happiest day of your life.
Speaker 5: Your father and I look very forward to sharing the
Speaker 5: event with you. We love you very much, dictated not read.
Speaker 5: I think the concern there is that the AIDS are
Speaker 5: the ones who get to decide which emails are appropriate
Speaker 5: to be shared as opposed to an independent arbiter. That's
Speaker 5: why Dorito's doesn't get to decide which ingredients consumers need
Speaker 5: to know about, or why you don't get.
Speaker 1: To tell the cops which pockets to search. Wait, officer,
Speaker 1: not that one.
Speaker 5: That's my weed pocket, and those other two gentlemen are
Speaker 5: the bows?
Speaker 1: Is there another reason that she didn't need to archive
Speaker 1: her emails with State.
Speaker 12: Secretary Powell wrote about this and his book. He had
Speaker 12: a personal laptop installed in his office so he could
Speaker 12: use personal email.
Speaker 5: Oh but I think the regulation started in two thousand
Speaker 5: and nine.
Speaker 1: No, and then four years after Powell left.
Speaker 5: And I mean, if Colin Powell was using a personal
Speaker 5: email address, they didn't really have rules on personal emails.
Speaker 5: They had because you know, back then email wasn't really
Speaker 5: as prevalent laptops they explain why Powell felt the need
Speaker 5: to install one in his office. How can we know
Speaker 5: that Clinton even turned over all her relevant emails.
Speaker 12: She has taken steps to preserve those records by providing
Speaker 12: the State Department with the fifty five thousand pages. I
Speaker 12: think fifty five thousand is a pretty big number.
Speaker 1: It is a big number. There are bigger.
Speaker 5: A million, and it's not as big as the number
Speaker 5: of pages Clinton actually had. But that's the crazy thing
Speaker 5: about numbers is you know, you can always top them.
Speaker 5: Somebody be like, you have one hundred Dalmatians. That's a
Speaker 5: load of Dalmatians. I can't imagine anyone having more than
Speaker 5: one hundred Dalmatians, and then some lady being.
Speaker 1: Like, bruh, right for one.
Speaker 9: One oh one.
Speaker 1: That is a lot of Damasians.
Speaker 9: Actually.
Speaker 5: But if that's you know, how everybody feels, why not
Speaker 5: just say that that Secretary Clinton did turn over all her.
Speaker 12: Emails, she provided a huge, you know, a large amount
Speaker 12: those fifty five jobs.
Speaker 7: Just say it's everything's well, how.
Speaker 12: Can I, I mean, Brad, I'm not in her email.
Speaker 5: If you were in her email, you'd be starring in
Speaker 5: the most boring tron sequel.
Speaker 1: Of all time, Tron to the Inbox. Oh no, there's
Speaker 1: spam today once again.
Speaker 5: By the way, we've get our program with a continuing
Speaker 5: saga of WikiLeaks, a two hundred and fifty thousand page
Speaker 5: document dump that, like most post Thanksgiving dumps, is endless.
Speaker 1: And fascinating to pick through.
Speaker 5: And if you know, any thinking about my family should
Speaker 5: of course remain classified. The release of many embarrassing and
Speaker 5: possibly damaging diplomatic cables has introduced the world to a
Speaker 5: new super villain, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange Assange shep am
Speaker 5: I pronouncing.
Speaker 15: That right Wiki leaks and it's founder of this man,
Speaker 15: Julian Assange ah.
Speaker 1: Assal, thank you chf hal.
Speaker 5: Assannge is the founder of wiki leaks, a site not
Speaker 5: to be confused with Wiki leaks, where for ten ninety
Speaker 5: nine a month you can.
Speaker 1: Self explanatory.
Speaker 5: Really, this is WikiLeaks, a website whose sole purpose is
Speaker 5: to expose information.
Speaker 9: So who is this oshol?
Speaker 16: Working in secrecy? He hides the location of computer service
Speaker 16: to ward off cyber attack, and hides his own location,
Speaker 16: moving and changing names and email addresses to ward off arrest.
Speaker 5: Clearly they are working with terrorist organizations.
Speaker 1: I believe they've become one themselves.
Speaker 9: Dah.
Speaker 5: Clearly Assange is Osama bin Laden crossed with Magneto and
Speaker 5: the Albino from the Matrix with more than a scooch
Speaker 5: of the Dice and vacuum guy. Yeah, it's mostly the
Speaker 5: Dyson vacuum guy. Quite frankly, anyway, what hath Assange been?
Speaker 6: Dice in wrought cables that reportedly show Secretary of State
Speaker 6: Hillary Clinton and Condaleza Rice before her ordered US embassies
Speaker 6: and intelligence services to gather private information on UN leaders
Speaker 6: and diplomats.
Speaker 15: Yemen's President Sala, telling General David PETREUS about strikes in Yemen,
Speaker 15: will continue saying the bombs are ours, not yours.
Speaker 7: German Chancellor Merkel avoids risk and is rarely creative. Afghan
Speaker 7: President Karzai is driven by paranoia.
Speaker 4: Dmitri Medyetev plays Robin to mister Putin's batman.
Speaker 7: Achmedinajad is hitler.
Speaker 5: Italy's foreign minister is calling this leak a diplomatic nine
Speaker 5: to eleven.
Speaker 1: Well, then he's a idiot, I mean, not for nothing.
Speaker 5: But if this is the diplomatic nine to eleven sack up,
Speaker 5: I'll give you its diplomatic mischief night maybe, But most
Speaker 5: of this in there's non policy chit chat and things
Speaker 5: we already knew, and quite frankly, Ahmadinajad is hitler. I
Speaker 5: think he might take that as a compliment, a peace
Speaker 5: offering towards a deton I mean.
Speaker 1: Transparency is a good thing.
Speaker 5: Government wrongdoing should be ferreted out, although just because something
Speaker 5: secret doesn't necessarily mean it's nefarious how Secretary of State
Speaker 5: Hillary Clinton dealing with the blowback Nam Secretary?
Speaker 9: Are you embarrassed?
Speaker 12: Pavings Lakes personally?
Speaker 17: Professionally?
Speaker 5: Is she embarrassed? Were you alive in the nineties? Do
Speaker 5: you have any idea who you're dealing with? Do you
Speaker 5: know she's married to this guy?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 5: I think she's built up a bit of an embarrassment
Speaker 5: tolerance to be like splitting a MIC's hard lemonade with
Speaker 5: Keith Richards and going.
Speaker 1: Should I call you a cab? Are you too up
Speaker 1: to drive?
Speaker 5: Not that there weren't some embarrassing details on.
Speaker 7: The effort to close Guantanamo.
Speaker 4: The State Department plays what the New York Times calls
Speaker 4: let's make a deal. Slovenia, for example, is told that
Speaker 4: if it wants to get a meeting with President into Obama.
Speaker 7: It needs to take a prisoner.
Speaker 1: Sounds a little desperate.
Speaker 5: Offering foreign leaders FaceTime with the president exchange for taking
Speaker 5: a GITMO detainee. It could hopefully be more effective than
Speaker 5: Obama's original take a prisoner or leave a prisoner jar.
Speaker 1: So ultimately very few took a lot of people left.
Speaker 5: Ultimately an interesting, yet somewhat less explosive and less than
Speaker 5: searing indictment.
Speaker 1: So why Assange, Why? I'm sorry, Assage?
Speaker 7: Why us home? What drives you? I'm a combative person.
Speaker 8: That's how I like crushing Bastin's So it is deeply personally, personally,
Speaker 8: deeply satisfying to me.
Speaker 5: I think you're underestimating how cynical Americans are about our
Speaker 5: government already. We've engineered coups in Chile, Iran, Guatemala, etc.
Speaker 5: We sold arms to Iran and then used the money
Speaker 5: to fund Central American revolutionaries.
Speaker 1: We sell weapons to.
Speaker 5: Our enemy's enemy, who somehow always then becomes our enemy and.
Speaker 1: Forces us to defend ourselves from our own weapons. That
Speaker 1: happens a lot.
Speaker 5: In fact, you know what we call that the number eight.
Speaker 5: It takes a lot to unimpress us. You really should
Speaker 5: read up about this. We already know about us. So
Speaker 5: unless in these wiki leaks, we're going to find out
Speaker 5: that the aliens from Aria fifty one killed Kennedy, stop
Speaker 5: with the drama. For more on the story, we go
Speaker 5: to our senior intelligence correspondent, Ausif Monti.
Speaker 1: What is what is all this wiki leaks?
Speaker 14: Well, John, it's the twenty first century. What I've coined
Speaker 14: the information age a glorious thank you, a glorious utopian
Speaker 14: data escape in which everyone has a right to know
Speaker 14: everything about everyone. It's why I get to see your
Speaker 14: penis at the airport.
Speaker 5: You know you don't get to I'm not gonna let
Speaker 5: you see my penis.
Speaker 9: Why what are you hiding?
Speaker 1: I'm hiding my penis?
Speaker 9: Oh? Oh really?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 14: Is there something about your penis that you don't want
Speaker 14: us to know about? Are you in favor or are
Speaker 14: you not in favor of transparency?
Speaker 1: But that's not transparency.
Speaker 5: Transparency being open to the public and important issues and
Speaker 5: processes so that the public can make informed decisions.
Speaker 9: A wrong again, Rip van, old grandpa man.
Speaker 14: Transparency is about me knowing everything I don't already know,
Speaker 14: because if I don't know it, that means someone's keeping
Speaker 14: it from me, like your penis.
Speaker 1: So you're my penis is a metaphor?
Speaker 7: Sure that helps you sleep at night?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 6: You know?
Speaker 1: Should everything as if be out there?
Speaker 5: If there's total transparency, we won't really see anything.
Speaker 9: Oh, I'm an.
Speaker 14: Old twentieth century man driving my car to get food.
Speaker 1: People still do that you don't do. I'm not that
Speaker 1: much older than you.
Speaker 7: Are, well, there's only one way to find out.
Speaker 9: Let's count the rings on your penis. That's not how
Speaker 9: you find out.
Speaker 1: Stop with the penis already.
Speaker 9: I know, I know, John, I'm annoying you.
Speaker 14: But it's that kind of dogged persistence that's the hallmark
Speaker 14: of a free press.
Speaker 9: That's why this WikiLeaks dump is so important.
Speaker 14: It's basically our generations Pentagon papers.
Speaker 5: Well, the Pentagon papers exposed blatant lives about how the
Speaker 5: government got us into the Vietnam War, how they continue
Speaker 5: to mislead us about.
Speaker 1: The war's progress.
Speaker 5: Even the most cynical reading of these documents, I don't
Speaker 5: think rises to that indictable.
Speaker 14: It's not meant to man, No, it's about the beautiful
Speaker 14: anarchy of information.
Speaker 9: It shows that what the government.
Speaker 14: Says in private is not necessarily what it says in public.
Speaker 5: But who doesn't know that that seems like a relatively
Speaker 5: been up point to be made.
Speaker 1: Not all information is equal, though us, and.
Speaker 14: That's why your fly will always be up and my
Speaker 14: generations will always be down.
Speaker 1: Your fly is down always.
Speaker 5: Thank you, asif manvia everybody, We'll be right back to.
Speaker 18: Do you guys, remember last week when the Trump administration
Speaker 18: was in the deepest after the James Comy firing, right,
Speaker 18: specifically because Trump's sudden dismissal of Comy further raised suspicions
Speaker 18: of his relations with Russia. Right.
Speaker 9: And then remember how literally the day after that, the
Speaker 9: day after that.
Speaker 18: He hosted Russians, two top diplomats in the Oval Office.
Speaker 18: You remember that yet, and then we were all like, man,
Speaker 18: he can't get any worse.
Speaker 9: We were wrong.
Speaker 19: Breaking news tonight, President Trump reportedly revealed highly classified information
Speaker 19: to Russia's foreign minister and Russia's ambassador in a White
Speaker 19: House meeting last week.
Speaker 1: This according to The Washington.
Speaker 19: Post, which cites current and former US officials as saying
Speaker 19: that Trump's disclosures jeopardized a critical source of intelligence on
Speaker 19: the Islamic state.
Speaker 18: I knew it, no, I knew something was up when
Speaker 18: we saw President Trump with the Russians and they were smiling.
Speaker 18: There's only two times a Russian man smiles the day
Speaker 18: he dies. And this, I mean, once again, this sounds
Speaker 18: like a story that we would invent.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 18: Trump invites the Russians into the Oval Office and then
Speaker 18: in his meeting starts bragging, I get grade intel.
Speaker 20: I have people brief me on grade Intel.
Speaker 18: Every day and then proceeds to give them the intel.
Speaker 18: He probably doesn't even know what intel is short for
Speaker 18: My intellivision is the best.
Speaker 20: It gets the highest ratings, best.
Speaker 9: Ratings of a.
Speaker 18: What's really sad about this is that Donald Trump is
Speaker 18: trying to impress the Russians with the fact that he's president.
Speaker 1: They know.
Speaker 9: The guys. They're like, yeah, do you guys know that
Speaker 9: I'm president?
Speaker 1: And they're like, yes, that is all.
Speaker 9: We blend it, yes, of course.
Speaker 18: Like like right now, right now, if I were putin
Speaker 18: back in Moscow, I'd be like, this is a trap.
Speaker 7: No, no, it has to be No, it came to
Speaker 7: be this easy.
Speaker 9: Come on, come on, because you know they thought it
Speaker 9: was going to be.
Speaker 18: A lot harder, right They were probably trying to figure
Speaker 18: out how to hide bugs in the Oval office, figuring
Speaker 18: out where to put everything in.
Speaker 9: Trump was like, hey, what's that is that? A microphone?
Speaker 1: I love those?
Speaker 9: Hello? Want you?
Speaker 1: Won't you?
Speaker 9: Here are my secret? Now before you get your hopes up.
Speaker 18: The White House has already called the Washington Posts report false,
Speaker 18: and in any case, even if it wasn't called that,
Speaker 18: the chance of Donald Trump getting into trouble for this
Speaker 18: is next to nothing, because you see, a president almost
Speaker 18: by definition, can't leak classified information.
Speaker 9: Once a president says it, it's declassified. That's the law.
Speaker 9: It's a crazy law, but it's true. But I'm sorry.
Speaker 18: Right now, it feels like Trump is doing everything he
Speaker 18: criticized Hillary for doing during the campaign, mishandling national security
Speaker 18: secrets under thread of an FBI investigation. At this rate,
Speaker 18: next week he's gonna faint in public.
Speaker 7: Just be like I also laught my show.
Speaker 9: I will say this though, people, at least now we
Speaker 9: know there's no aliens.
Speaker 18: Yeah, because if there were, Donald Trump would have told
Speaker 18: us by now, like he would have leaked it immediately.
Speaker 20: Et used my samson to phone home.
Speaker 9: He did it, folks.
Speaker 18: So the good news is Trump listens during Intel briefings,
Speaker 18: and the bad news is Trump listens during Intel briefings.
Speaker 9: Let's move on from one piece of work to another.
Speaker 18: Donald Johnson and Johnson baby Powder Trump, the ex president
Speaker 18: most likely to be a surprise judge at a wet
Speaker 18: T shirt contest. Yesterday, the government office that keeps presidential
Speaker 18: records asked the Justice Department to investigate Trump's improper handling
Speaker 18: of official documents.
Speaker 9: And like, at this point, I'm wondering if there are
Speaker 9: any laws that Trump hasn't broken.
Speaker 18: You know, if there was a Guinness Book of World
Speaker 18: Records for crime, he'd probably stealed the book. But yeah,
Speaker 18: according to reports, Trump would rip up papers after he
Speaker 18: read them, right, he took boxes of material with him
Speaker 18: to our lago. And now we're learning that Trump did
Speaker 18: the most trump thing that he possibly could have done
Speaker 18: with some of these documents.
Speaker 21: We're beginning with breaking news. Staff members of the White
Speaker 21: House residents discovered wads of printed paper in a clogged
Speaker 21: toilet on more than one occasion during the Trump administration,
Speaker 21: and believe that it was the former president himself who
Speaker 21: was trying to flush documents.
Speaker 22: I learned that staff in the White House residence would
Speaker 22: periodically find the toilet clog. The engineer would have to
Speaker 22: come and fix it, and what the engineer would find
Speaker 22: would be wads of you know, clumped up print, wet
Speaker 22: printed paper, you know, meaning it was not toilet paper.
Speaker 22: It could be posteds, it could be note zero to himself,
Speaker 22: it could be other things. We don't know, but it's
Speaker 22: certainly does add, as you said, another dimension to what
Speaker 22: we know about how he handled material in the White House.
Speaker 18: You know, it's so funny how in every scandal involving
Speaker 18: Trump and documents, none of them involve him reading them.
Speaker 9: And by the way, I will say this, I know
Speaker 9: it's easy for us to all go Trump was trying
Speaker 9: to obstruct justice. That's what this was.
Speaker 18: But you do remember, at the start of the pandemic
Speaker 18: there was a shortage of what And I don't know
Speaker 18: about you guys, but when there's no toilet paper, state
Speaker 18: documents starts to look mighty tempting. It also does explain
Speaker 18: why Trump was always complaining about toilets. You remember how
Speaker 18: he always did.
Speaker 5: That people are flushing toilets ten times fifteen times as
Speaker 5: opposed to once they end up using more water.
Speaker 9: Yeah, they're flushing at ten times fifteen times.
Speaker 18: No, dude, you were flushing toilets ten times fifteen times
Speaker 18: because you were shoving your homework down the toilets. I mean,
Speaker 18: everyone assumed he was a man who clugged the White
Speaker 18: House toilets, but no one ever.
Speaker 9: Thought we'd have to ask the question, but with what.
Speaker 1: Now?
Speaker 9: Of course, Trump denies all of this.
Speaker 18: He says he never clugged any toilets ever, smoothest pooh
Speaker 18: of all time.
Speaker 9: So the big question is who's telling the truth.
Speaker 18: Well, luckily we have an exclusive interview with the only
Speaker 18: man who knows what the truth is. So we're gonna
Speaker 18: go out live right now to the White House to
Speaker 18: chat to that man. Sir, I understand that you are
Speaker 18: the official White House plumber.
Speaker 1: If that's all right, it's to me, Carl Schwartz.
Speaker 9: I don't well doing well. Thank you so much for
Speaker 9: joining us, mister Schwartz as the White House plumber.
Speaker 18: We'd love for you to tell us everything you know
Speaker 18: about Trump flushing documents down the toilets.
Speaker 15: All right, let me stop you right there, Chief, Okay,
Speaker 15: sorry to disappoint you, but I can't. It's the plumber's code.
Speaker 15: The plumber's code, that's right, it's the iron code. All
Speaker 15: plumbers live by.
Speaker 5: One.
Speaker 15: Never tell a toilet secrets. Two, always round up the bill.
Speaker 15: Three no visible buck crack. Trying to break that stereotype.
Speaker 15: So I'm sorry, but I can't reveal what I know
Speaker 15: about Trump's toilet no matter what. Oh, come on, all right, fine,
Speaker 15: I'll tell ya. I was in Trump's bathroom almost every day,
Speaker 15: pulling paper out of the toilet. I unclocked so many
Speaker 15: classified documents they had to give.
Speaker 9: Me top secret clearance.
Speaker 15: I'm talking to CIA briefings, diplomatic cables, the medical experiments
Speaker 15: that created Rudy Giuliani. Honestly, some of the stuff I
Speaker 15: didn't understand what it meant. Like I found this one
Speaker 15: document that just says nuke Spain question mark.
Speaker 9: Oh wow.
Speaker 18: Yeah, you must have been pretty frustrated with President Trump
Speaker 18: giving you so much unnecessary work.
Speaker 1: Are you kidding me?
Speaker 7: I love President Trump.
Speaker 15: He made my job more interesting and he trusted me
Speaker 15: with our nation's top secrets, unlike certain other presidents who
Speaker 15: just used the toilet to pooper pee.
Speaker 9: Obama, I don't know why you said it like that.
Speaker 18: You could have knew who the anyway, let me ask you,
Speaker 18: this was Trump the o anyone in the White House
Speaker 18: who was flushing documents?
Speaker 9: Did Vice President Pence do it? No?
Speaker 15: No, no, Mike Pen's never even used the bathroom.
Speaker 9: He actually doesn't have any holes. Now, have you excuse me?
Speaker 15: I have an emergency I have to deal with Kamala
Speaker 15: Harre has been locked in the bathroom for the past year.
Speaker 9: Oh wow, is that where she's been? Well, well, good
Speaker 9: luck with that. And thank you so much, mister Schwartz.
Speaker 9: You got JAP did you say no holes?
Speaker 18: Oh my god, the FBI raided Donald Trump's house in
Speaker 18: mar Lago.
Speaker 9: The FBI people raided a former president's house.
Speaker 1: This is huge.
Speaker 18: This is bigger than when the FEDS investigated Bill Clinton
Speaker 18: for doing mouth stuff with that saxophone. And by the way,
Speaker 18: by the way, this raid, just so you know, has
Speaker 18: nothing to do with January sixth, or tax fraud or
Speaker 18: giving the White House plumber PTSD.
Speaker 5: No.
Speaker 18: Apparently, apparently this investigation is about Trump taking classified documents
Speaker 18: from the White House.
Speaker 9: And honestly, you know, I'm amazed that Trump has time
Speaker 9: for all of this crime. But at any moment, at
Speaker 9: any moment, Trump's got a crime that he's covering up.
Speaker 9: He's got a crime that he's doing now, He's got
Speaker 9: a crime that he's plotting for the future. He's like
Speaker 9: the Steve Harvey but of crimes. You know, every day,
Speaker 9: I'm like, does he have the same hours in the
Speaker 9: days me? He gets so much done.
Speaker 18: Now, if you'll remember, if you remember earlier this year,
Speaker 18: the Fed's already had to go down to morrow Lago
Speaker 18: and take back fifteen boxes of documents that Trump wasn't
Speaker 18: supposed to have, but apparently they think there's more hidden
Speaker 18: on the property, right, and I believe that.
Speaker 9: I believe that too.
Speaker 18: I mean, like, Trump's not gonna keep records in a
Speaker 18: filing cabinet like a normal person.
Speaker 9: What was the same dude who buried his ex wife
Speaker 9: on a golf course. I mean, think about that.
Speaker 18: And yes, it is totally unprecedented for the FBI to
Speaker 18: raid the home of a former president.
Speaker 9: That's true. That has never happened in American history.
Speaker 18: But don't forget Donald Trump also never happened in American history.
Speaker 18: Everything is an anominate with this man. I mean, like,
Speaker 18: why do you think a book from one of his
Speaker 18: staffers comes out every single week? Because every single person
Speaker 18: he interacts with is like, yo, have I got a
Speaker 18: story for you?
Speaker 9: And wouldn't it be weird if this is the thing
Speaker 9: that takes Trump down?
Speaker 18: We thought it would be something like conspiracy or bribery
Speaker 18: or blackmail, but no, Trump's got busted for taking work
Speaker 18: home with him.
Speaker 9: What a nerd?
Speaker 18: Now, obviously, President Trump recognizes the gravity of the situation,
Speaker 18: which is why he has refrained from comments while the
Speaker 18: legal process is now.
Speaker 9: I'm joking with you. Come on.
Speaker 18: The guy released a statement immediately. Immediately, he read, these.
Speaker 9: Are dark times for our nation. As my beautiful home.
Speaker 20: Mara Lago in bomb Bage Blader is currently under siege,
Speaker 20: raided and I get back by a large group of
Speaker 20: FBI agents.
Speaker 7: They even broke into mercades. What's the difference between this
Speaker 7: and what Agate?
Speaker 1: What's the difference?
Speaker 9: I love that even while he's complaining, he slips in
Speaker 9: that the thing is beautiful. How could they do this
Speaker 9: to my beautiful home?
Speaker 18: Also, also, this is completely different from Watergates, all right.
Speaker 18: For one thing, the guy's breaking into Watergate didn't need
Speaker 18: to clean old ketchup stains off the documents.
Speaker 9: But the other big thing, the other big difference is that.
Speaker 18: The raid was legal, all right, was approved by a
Speaker 18: federal judge, approved by the head of the FBI, who,
Speaker 18: by the way, was appointed by Donald Trump himself. I
Speaker 18: think he got rid of like seventeen other heads of
Speaker 18: the FBI because they didn't want to do crimes of Donald.
Speaker 9: So now the big mystery is what did the FBI find. Well,
Speaker 9: according to Donald Trump's third favorite son, the only thing
Speaker 9: the FBI took was his heart.
Speaker 23: What could they possibly think existed inside of mor Lago
Speaker 23: in a box that was taken from the White House
Speaker 23: that was so damaging that the FBI director and the
Speaker 23: Attorney General of the United States would would have to
Speaker 23: raid a former president's residence and grab everything out of there.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 10: They'll probably find a note for me telling him how
Speaker 10: proud I am of him and what great job he
Speaker 10: was doing his president.
Speaker 9: They might find some pictures of my kids, maybe some
Speaker 9: nice you know, headlines, maybe a nice note from you, Sean.
Speaker 18: Oh, Eric, you silly, silly man. Did Daddy tell you
Speaker 18: that's where your letters to him go? Hid in a
Speaker 18: way somewhere safe. They're just too important to show anybody
Speaker 18: or acknowledge it anyway, Eric, That's why I locked up
Speaker 18: them up right next to my wedding ring.
Speaker 9: That's what I do now.
Speaker 18: Aside from the boxes that they took, the FBI also
Speaker 18: looked inside Trump's safe, which is very dramatic, like because
Speaker 18: apparently they had to break into it all right, So
Speaker 18: now you're like, how do they do it? They did
Speaker 18: they blow it open or did they just correctly guess
Speaker 18: the code or sixty nine sixty nine?
Speaker 9: Honestly, I I've been surprised.
Speaker 18: I would actually be surprised if they found White House
Speaker 18: documents in Trump's safe, because the safe is where you
Speaker 18: keep your most prized possessions. Yeah, so in my head,
Speaker 18: searching through Trump's safe would probably go a lot more
Speaker 18: like this.
Speaker 9: All right, guys, let's see what we have in here?
Speaker 18: All right, my god, the entire safe is just filled
Speaker 18: with macrib after macrib This is this is They're stacked
Speaker 18: on top of each other. This is I don't even understand.
Speaker 18: It's an unventilated safe. Who would do this way?
Speaker 9: Wait? Wait, hold on, there's a secret panel in the bottom.
Speaker 9: I think we found it.
Speaker 18: We just found no another macreaar Boyd's another macrare.
Speaker 9: Now you might be wondering. You might be wondering. Isn't
Speaker 9: this an extremely explosive situation for the United States? Yes,
Speaker 9: it is. It is.
Speaker 18: You don't want to let a former president get away
Speaker 18: with crimes, right, because nobody in America is above the
Speaker 18: law except corporations and rich people and police and celebrities sometimes,
Speaker 18: but aside from them, nobody is above the law. But
Speaker 18: at the same time, even the perception that the Justice
Speaker 18: Department is being used to go after your political opponents.
Speaker 18: That could erode people's trust in governments. So it's a
Speaker 18: really tricky situation and the only thing we can do
Speaker 18: is wait and see how the investigation unfolds. Oh, if
Speaker 18: your Fox News, you can just freak out right now.
Speaker 9: This is an abomination, this is gestapo crap.
Speaker 7: It's probably the worst day in the history of the FBI.
Speaker 4: This is a wake up call for those in Congress
Speaker 4: to be able to use the tools at their disposal
Speaker 4: to defund the FBI, dismantle the FBI into a thousand bits.
Speaker 18: Representative Marjory Taylor Green simply tweeting, defund the FBI.
Speaker 21: If this is what they're able to do to the
Speaker 21: former president of the United States, think about what they
Speaker 21: could do to you, to anybody in America.
Speaker 9: The real target of this investigation isn't Trump. The real
Speaker 9: target of this investigation is you. Do we have a
Speaker 9: dual justice system in America? Is their equal justice under
Speaker 9: the law?
Speaker 7: I am deathly afraid for Donald Trump. I would not
Speaker 7: put assassination behind these people.
Speaker 23: We're entering ab basically a Venezuelan Zimbabwean East German style
Speaker 23: Banana Republican which the law doesn't.
Speaker 7: Matter Okay, this is some third world bullshit right here.
Speaker 1: Let me say it again, third world bullshit.
Speaker 9: All right.
Speaker 18: First of all, as someone from the third world, maybe
Speaker 18: leave us out of your ship ones.
Speaker 9: Huh, how about that?
Speaker 24: That's the show, poor girl, pull ship right here, here's
Speaker 24: your show.
Speaker 18: Every time, every time Americans want to call something in
Speaker 18: America that that's corrupt, all of a sudden, they're like, oh,
Speaker 18: this is third world bullshit.
Speaker 9: My man, At what point do you realize that it's
Speaker 9: happening here.
Speaker 16: It's you.
Speaker 7: It's you.
Speaker 9: Bad things only happen.
Speaker 18: In other countries when it's it's still happening in another country.
Speaker 9: In fact, when something happens in the actual third world. Yeah,
Speaker 9: these days America's gotten so bad. People in Africa are like,
Speaker 9: are you kidding me? This is just like America. Ah no,
Speaker 9: this place is turning into America. What are we doing here?
Speaker 9: What are we doing? But I do get what super
Speaker 9: Karen is saying.
Speaker 18: If the FBI, if the FBI is going to go
Speaker 18: off the Trump for stealing classified documents from the White House,
Speaker 18: then what's to stop them from going after you?
Speaker 9: When you steal classified.
Speaker 18: Documents from the White House, it's not the country we
Speaker 18: want to live in where anyone can be investigated just
Speaker 18: for the.
Speaker 9: Crime of doing crimes.
Speaker 1: I don't think so.
Speaker 18: It has been one month since the FBI rated Donald
Speaker 18: Trump's beautiful Mara Lago home and stole his beautiful top
Speaker 18: secret documents, and we're still getting new information every day,
Speaker 18: Like it just came out that one of the documents
Speaker 18: in Trump's possession had secret information about a foreign country's
Speaker 18: nuclear defense capabilities. Yeah, so now America needs to send
Speaker 18: out letters to every country in the world, like those
Speaker 18: ones you get from your credit card company.
Speaker 9: And know what it's like. So there was a data
Speaker 9: breach and you're probably gonna want to change your nuclear codes.
Speaker 18: But even if you think you've been following the story closely,
Speaker 18: you haven't rarely unless you know how they're covering it
Speaker 18: on Fox News. So for that perspective, here's Daisilidik with
Speaker 18: another installment of Foxplains.
Speaker 13: What is the secret document scandal really about? Why is
Speaker 13: it happening now? On a scale of one's the most
Speaker 13: innocent man who's ever lived? How innocent is Donald Trump? Well,
Speaker 13: I've been watching Fox News for twenty six days straight
Speaker 13: and I'm ready to Fox flame the biggest witch hunt
Speaker 13: since Dorothy's skipped down that yellow brick road with a robot.
Speaker 13: Furry people. This wasn't a search, this was a ray.
Speaker 13: The woke FBI smashed the window and broke in, and
Speaker 13: Merrick Garland took a bubble bath in Trump's cub and
Speaker 13: erased everything on his DVR. It was catching up on
Speaker 13: abbed elementary, Merrick. What Donald Trump did was normal. Everyone
Speaker 13: brings work home even when they no longer worked there
Speaker 13: after I got fired from H and M. I brought
Speaker 13: home an entire cash register. It is totally normal and
Speaker 13: not illegal. Joe Brandon's Department of Justice is out of control. Congratulations, FBI,
Speaker 13: you did it. You found Malania's top secret underwear.
Speaker 12: Can I see it?
Speaker 13: Seriously, Donald Trump took documents, documents. This is no worse
Speaker 13: than what Hillary did, which was terrible and she should
Speaker 13: go to prison, which is why Trump should not go
Speaker 13: to prison.
Speaker 12: Do I have to list why it's okay that he
Speaker 12: has the documents? Okay?
Speaker 13: Attorney client privilege, executive privilege, white privilege, diplomatic community, uh,
Speaker 13: the Kavanaugh hearings. Trump is technically still the president because
Speaker 13: he never gave us two weeks notice. Double Jeopardy. That's
Speaker 13: gotta be a thing, right, Seriously, we're prosecuting Trump on
Speaker 13: the espionage actor, trying to get an American president on
Speaker 13: a French word. I don't think so pepping a pew
Speaker 13: no huhuh no, no, no, no, America. If you are
Speaker 13: not so outraged that you forgot to pick your children
Speaker 13: up from school every day last week, then you are
Speaker 13: not paying attention. Where's the raid on Hunter Biden's laptop?
Speaker 13: Oh right, the laptop is sitting in a five star
Speaker 13: hotel getting a massage and eating cavia from China. If
Speaker 13: they indict Trump for this, there will be riots in
Speaker 13: the streets, And if they don't indict him, there will
Speaker 13: also be riots in the streets, just like on January sixth,
Speaker 13: which was.
Speaker 7: Not a riot.
Speaker 13: It was a normal tourist activity, which is good or
Speaker 13: bad either way. I will not be picking up my
Speaker 13: kids from school that day. Sorry, sweez. This is just
Speaker 13: another deep state hoax and a major distraction from the
Speaker 13: real story. Joe Biden gave a speech wain starkout, that's
Speaker 13: all for this week by everyone.
Speaker 12: Merrick Grland is a space elf.
Speaker 24: Okay, you guys, remember that for the past six months,
Speaker 24: We've been roasting the shit out of Donald Trump for
Speaker 24: keeping classified documents at his house, and.
Speaker 7: I have to agree.
Speaker 1: What kind of moron, I mean, what kind of.
Speaker 9: Irresponsible piece of shit.
Speaker 24: Would keep classified documents.
Speaker 9: At his house? I mean, he's got to be the
Speaker 9: only dumbass that would do something so stupid.
Speaker 25: Breaking news from the White House more classified documents were
Speaker 25: found in President Biden's Delaware home.
Speaker 26: Just roll the damn tape this morning, and President Biden
Speaker 26: is facing growing calls for transparency from Republicans and even
Speaker 26: some Democrats amid the Special Council's investigation into his handling
Speaker 26: of classified documents after he left the Obama administration.
Speaker 25: Pressure is mounting. After this weekend, the White House Council's
Speaker 25: office said additional pages of classified documents were discovered inside
Speaker 25: the President's Delaware home. It comes after about a dozen
Speaker 25: initially discovered at mister Biden's private office, including at least
Speaker 25: one document marked top secret. That followed by two batches
Speaker 25: discovered in Delaware, including inside his garage.
Speaker 9: Classified material next to your corvette?
Speaker 1: What were you thinking, by.
Speaker 7: The way, my corvettion in the lot garage? Okay, so
Speaker 7: it's not like a shitting out in the street.
Speaker 24: What this is a national security emergency? Okay, a man
Speaker 24: is owed with access.
Speaker 9: To a cordinet.
Speaker 1: Ah.
Speaker 24: I don't know what's more scary, Biden losing the nuclear
Speaker 24: codes or Biden going.
Speaker 7: Eighty five on the highway. Biden, please do not drive
Speaker 7: that corvette.
Speaker 9: Your ass can't even ride a bike.
Speaker 7: Let me tell you something.
Speaker 24: He probably loves talking about the scandal because it gives
Speaker 24: him a chance to talk about his corvette. Hey, everybody,
Speaker 24: I've got stolen documents next.
Speaker 9: To my sweet corvette.
Speaker 24: Joel Greed's like, now you're burn enough for greed, like
Speaker 24: man who greed, like man.
Speaker 9: Helert.
Speaker 24: I know this is a big scandal, but honestly, I
Speaker 24: think these document this was pretty safe at Biden's house
Speaker 24: because it's hard to find anything in an old man's garage. Grandpa,
Speaker 24: where's the document?
Speaker 9: It's by the leaf bloorer.
Speaker 18: You have six leaf Grandpa.
Speaker 24: But can I just say this for a minute, I
Speaker 24: am so disappointed in you, Joe Biden, because this is
Speaker 24: the Trump scandal.
Speaker 7: You copy stealing documents.
Speaker 24: You could have been black balls deep and porn stars.
Speaker 9: Your dumb.
Speaker 24: But there's a bigger problem here because first, there was Trump,
Speaker 24: now is Biden. What I need to know is who
Speaker 24: is in charge of these documents? Who is the bitch
Speaker 24: who is freely giving out classic card documents?
Speaker 9: What's up, y'all?
Speaker 1: How you doing?
Speaker 11: Man?
Speaker 9: You wanna get some documents? Check this out? Though.
Speaker 24: I just came back from lunch and I smoked the
Speaker 24: biggest bliss I have ever rolled.
Speaker 9: So I'm real high right now. So it's your lucky day.
Speaker 9: I'm gonna hook you up with all the documents you
Speaker 9: need right now.
Speaker 7: You know what, Just take what you want.
Speaker 1: But wait, wait, I'm gonna need to get you to sign.
Speaker 1: Hold on, let me get something for you to just sign.
Speaker 9: You know what.
Speaker 24: I remember you, I remember, I.
Speaker 9: Trust you, I trust I trust.
Speaker 24: But you gotta be cool, son, You gotta be cool
Speaker 24: with these documents. Okay, where you're gonna hide them at?
Speaker 24: Where you in the corvette?
Speaker 5: You got a corvette?
Speaker 9: Take whatever you need.
Speaker 17: Youg Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe
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