Speaker 1: Hi, listeners, Welcome back. I'm Metric Glover to WIB and
Speaker 1: you need to hear this this week. I want to
Speaker 1: start by saying that before I had children, I remember
Speaker 1: talking to many parents and they would say something you
Speaker 1: know about parenting and they would say, well, you don't
Speaker 1: understand because you don't have kids. And I used to
Speaker 1: get so irritated, like what I do understand?
Speaker 2: I used to be a kid. I work with kids.
Speaker 1: But let me tell you there are some things that
Speaker 1: I did not understand because I did not have kids.
Speaker 1: It's challenging to admit that now because I thought I
Speaker 1: was so right and guess what, I was right in
Speaker 1: that moment at that time. I think there are some
Speaker 1: nuances that although we observe things with children, when you're
Speaker 1: in an actual situation with them, things are very different.
Speaker 2: And before I had kids, I had these, like I do.
Speaker 1: Years of firmness, and you know how things would go
Speaker 1: and the way that the universe operates. And you are
Speaker 1: introduced to this child and you raise them from this
Speaker 1: little tiny being of not even being able to hold
Speaker 1: their head up to this person who is now talking back,
Speaker 1: your level of compassion might be a little different when
Speaker 1: you have an actual child. I was much firmer with younger.
Speaker 2: Cousins when I had no kids.
Speaker 1: I was because I was like, oh, no, you kids
Speaker 1: will listen if I'm going to take you to the zoo.
Speaker 2: You know, it's single foul line.
Speaker 1: Now I am the woman at the zoo or at
Speaker 1: the children's play, and it's like, someone needs to ligne
Speaker 1: me and these kids up because everybody here is just
Speaker 1: out of control. I'm joking, but you get what I'm
Speaker 1: going with this that some of the ideas we have
Speaker 1: around how things will be when we get to this point. Hopefully,
Speaker 1: you know, our mind changes about those things because we
Speaker 1: have new information.
Speaker 2: The relationship is deeper.
Speaker 1: Maybe you know, we've had some experiences that have shaped us.
Speaker 1: Where am I going with all this? So today's letter
Speaker 1: is from someone who is dealing with the feedback from
Speaker 1: family members about their parenting. I think it's really important
Speaker 1: for us to one consider how we deliver information to people,
Speaker 1: and two consider if they even want it. Oftentimes, in families,
Speaker 1: there is this unspoken rule that because we are siblings,
Speaker 1: because you're my daughter, because you're my son, cousin, whoever,
Speaker 1: I can say what I feel right and it might
Speaker 1: not be that way in other relationships. It might not
Speaker 1: be that way in friendships. It's certainly not that way
Speaker 1: with coworkers. We would withhold. If you saw your co
Speaker 1: worker kid doing something, you might continue to just eat
Speaker 1: your chips at your desk. You might not say anything
Speaker 1: like hmm, But if it's your niece, you like get
Speaker 1: off of there, right Like.
Speaker 2: There is this.
Speaker 1: Authority that we feel, you know, in families with other
Speaker 1: people's kids, and sometimes it's welcome, like some parents will
Speaker 1: want the support, and then other times it's not.
Speaker 2: Welcome at all.
Speaker 1: And I really want you to just if you don't
Speaker 1: have children parents yourself, don't parent my kids right like,
Speaker 1: just you know, worry about you and your playtime. On
Speaker 1: the flip side, I think when some kids are being free,
Speaker 1: when they are being age appropriate, you may not remember
Speaker 1: yourself being that way. So many of us are emotionally blocked.
Speaker 1: We didn't have the opportunity to be a certain way
Speaker 1: in childhood, and so when we see kids behaving in
Speaker 1: a certain way, it's like, oh, the audacity. If I
Speaker 1: would have jumped when I was walking, I would have
Speaker 1: gotten in trouble. And it's like wow, when you really
Speaker 1: think about that that's you couldn't.
Speaker 2: Jump while walking.
Speaker 1: You couldn't you know, get your shirt wet, like some
Speaker 1: of the things that we're advocating for.
Speaker 2: It's like we need to stop.
Speaker 1: A few weeks ago, I took my children to the
Speaker 1: trampoline park, and the hardest part about going to the
Speaker 1: trampoline park is leaving the trampoline park. All the trickery
Speaker 1: I have to do. You get in the car, I'll
Speaker 1: get you some some dipping.
Speaker 2: Dots of it. It's a whole show.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm getting these kids out of here, and they
Speaker 1: are just you know, they've gone from jumping up and
Speaker 1: down and swinging and all of this stuff, so they
Speaker 1: kind of, you know, they still in play mode.
Speaker 2: And I stopped for a minute and I.
Speaker 1: Said, Wow, my kids are free in a way that
Speaker 1: I didn't not know in childhood. They have never been
Speaker 1: worried about, oh let me not embarrass my mom.
Speaker 2: I was worried about those sort of things. You know.
Speaker 1: It's like if I embarrass my parent, boy, oh boy,
Speaker 1: would they embarrass me.
Speaker 2: But my kids they're free, you know, They're like.
Speaker 1: I'm having a good time. This is a playful environment.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do four cartwheels before I get to the car.
Speaker 2: I want to walk on this, you know, those little
Speaker 2: tall brick things. Everybody get the balance on it. You know.
Speaker 2: It's just fun, fun, fun, fun fun.
Speaker 1: And instead of being irritated by that, I choose to
Speaker 1: be an admiration of that, because that is something that
Speaker 1: I'm happy that they have the freedom to do. And
Speaker 1: maybe when I'm walking with my friends, I need to
Speaker 1: start balancing a little bit on a little brick thing. Right.
Speaker 2: I can't do no cartwheel. That's never been my thing.
Speaker 1: But you know, maybe there's a few jumping up and
Speaker 1: downs that I need to do, at least kicking my
Speaker 1: feet up and down.
Speaker 2: When I laugh.
Speaker 1: I don't know, but it reminds me that perhaps because
Speaker 1: we were not afforded the opportunity to misbehave or to
Speaker 1: not always be in line, we feel that when kids
Speaker 1: are afforded that opportunity, like it's this horrible thing and
Speaker 1: it means something for their life. You know, if your
Speaker 1: kids don't sit down when you say sit down, they're
Speaker 1: not going to get through college. And it's like, WHOA,
Speaker 1: that's a really tall accusation there. You know, it's a
Speaker 1: five year old. Let's get into today's letter because guess
Speaker 1: what I could do go on and on about this topic.
Speaker 1: So let's listen and I will chime in as we do.
Speaker 3: Hi, I have a question relating to my children and
Speaker 3: my emotionally immature family members. I have three teenagers, one
Speaker 3: who is diagnosed with ADHD and learning differences, and the
Speaker 3: other two who are deep feeling.
Speaker 2: In some impulsive.
Speaker 3: I am from a large family, and most of my
Speaker 3: siblings do not have kids, and none of them have teenagers.
Speaker 3: When we come to family gatherings or holiday visits, some
Speaker 3: of my siblings cannot tolerate when my children get upset
Speaker 3: or fight or get dysregulated. If my siblings disagree with
Speaker 3: how I'm handling the situation with one of my children,
Speaker 3: they will often intervene and tell them harshly to stop
Speaker 3: or be quiet, and tell me that I can't let
Speaker 3: my kids get away with things. When I've tried to
Speaker 3: have conversations with my siblings regarding my children and their
Speaker 3: needs and how I feel is the best way to
Speaker 3: parent them, it is almost never productive. They scream and
Speaker 3: yell and will tell me how unhealthy it is for
Speaker 3: my children to raise them this way. And I'm raising
Speaker 3: my children to be inconsiderate and undisciplined. I find that
Speaker 3: my own family is the least supportive space for me
Speaker 3: and my children, where we are all navigating significant challenges
Speaker 3: related to having a disability, having a child with a disability,
Speaker 3: or having a sibling with a disability.
Speaker 1: I remember reading a book by Eon Levanzant titled The
Speaker 1: Value in the Valley, and she had an acronym for
Speaker 1: this phrase that she said, other people's problems opp And
Speaker 1: this situation made me think of opp other people's parenting.
Speaker 1: We have to figure out what exactly is our business,
Speaker 1: and in a situation when someone else is parenting, there
Speaker 1: are things that we have power over. It's not the
Speaker 1: other person's child, but it is something within us.
Speaker 2: So if I am observing some.
Speaker 1: Misbehaving happening and it's like, oh my gosh, these kids
Speaker 1: don't listen or they don't do this thing, maybe I
Speaker 1: can request to have one on one time.
Speaker 2: With you away from the kids.
Speaker 1: Maybe I can figure out some sort of activities that
Speaker 1: actually occupied them. Maybe there are some conversations that I
Speaker 1: will have with you one on one. But yelling at
Speaker 1: you at a family gathering that might not be helpful.
Speaker 1: That might not be the helpful way, and I understand
Speaker 1: that with other people's parenting, we feel like it is
Speaker 1: a them problem, when in actuality, what we have considered
Speaker 1: as good parenting is controlling parenting. If you can control
Speaker 1: your child to the point of them being quiet, if
Speaker 1: you can control your child to the point of them
Speaker 1: not crying, if you can control your child enough to
Speaker 1: the point of them sitting through this very boring, non
Speaker 1: entertaining thing for two hours, you have master parenting.
Speaker 2: And I think.
Speaker 1: How unfortunate that is for a child of a certain
Speaker 1: developmental age, whether that is someone in middle school, high school,
Speaker 1: or primary school, to have that level of control without fear,
Speaker 1: because you know, a lot of that comes with your
Speaker 1: parent has made you fear them in some way, so
Speaker 1: that's how they're able to have that level of control.
Speaker 2: So to have that level.
Speaker 1: Of control, it requires a certain type of you know,
Speaker 1: personality sometimes, and we're talking about children with disabilities. We're
Speaker 1: not talking about atypical children here. We're talking about ADHD
Speaker 1: and learning differences and you know, some things going on.
Speaker 1: So the insensitivity to the uniqueness of what this situation
Speaker 1: is is very challenging to expect someone who has some
Speaker 1: challenges in some way. To perform as everyone else would
Speaker 1: is quite difficult. And you can't make a person understand, right,
Speaker 1: like you can't make your family member understand.
Speaker 2: I guess what, you know.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing, here's the testing. And because some people don't.
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes people I've seen folks look at you know,
Speaker 1: IEP or some diagnostic testing and it says like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is the thing, this is the mental health diagnosis.
Speaker 1: But there's this idea like, no, this kid is just
Speaker 1: choosing this. They're just choosing this bad behavior in this moment,
Speaker 1: and I'm bad in air quotes to disrupt this situation.
Speaker 1: And if you have something such as ADHD, you know,
Speaker 1: it's impulsiveness is sort of built into that, right or
Speaker 1: some inattentive or you know, something is built into that.
Speaker 1: And that's not to say you'll never be able to
Speaker 1: control it, but it's a work in progress. And there
Speaker 1: are certain ways that we have to handle situations. When
Speaker 1: people have identified diagnoses of some sort with our families,
Speaker 1: educating them might be really helpful. Now I just saying, hey,
Speaker 1: this person has ADHD or they have this learning difference,
Speaker 1: but this is how it manifests. This is how we
Speaker 1: have been taught to address it. So as I'm talking
Speaker 1: to my child, you might hear me redirect them in
Speaker 1: this way. Actually, this thing that you're doing now, it
Speaker 1: doesn't work. It triggers them more. So, maybe teaching them
Speaker 1: some of the skills you've learned to deal with your
Speaker 1: children a lot of you know, some of their ideas. Again,
Speaker 1: it goes back to some of the ways in which
Speaker 1: your siblings may have been parented or some of the
Speaker 1: you know, ideas that they see with their other children.
Speaker 1: You know, it makes me think of children being in restaurants,
Speaker 1: and this is another thing I had to you know,
Speaker 1: I had to have a moment around when I see
Speaker 1: little especially like little babies and restaurants and you know,
Speaker 1: parents usually little settlement up with some distraction thing like
Speaker 1: I'm gonna give you four apples and an orange. Just
Speaker 1: play with this, you know, play with your little thing,
Speaker 1: and the baby's just throwing it on the floor. Then they,
Speaker 1: you know, they start causing a scene. And you know,
Speaker 1: you have some folks who will say like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: this child and I'm like, it's a baby in a restaurant.
Speaker 1: Like first off, their attention span super short, they're not
Speaker 1: watching Bluey or something fun. They're sitting here watching people
Speaker 1: talk about something they can't even engage in, and all
Speaker 1: they have is apples to stare at how boring, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm just thinking, this is the most boring thing for
Speaker 1: a baby to be doing.
Speaker 2: Have we thought about this baby in this scenario.
Speaker 1: I'm feeling for the baby, like, somebody please do some
Speaker 1: raspberry blows or something.
Speaker 2: Let's entertain this baby.
Speaker 1: I hear that all the adults are annoyed, but develop
Speaker 1: up mentally, this baby is responding appropriately.
Speaker 2: I think we don't think about that.
Speaker 1: We don't think about like how hard it must be
Speaker 1: to not interrupt an adult when you feel like you
Speaker 1: have something really urgent to say.
Speaker 2: We're talking about kids here.
Speaker 1: Right, Like, so a child's most urgent thing might be
Speaker 1: we have a new girl coming in my classroom, and
Speaker 1: they may interrupt you. You could be in the middle
Speaker 1: of oh my gosh, my trauma, and I just bump
Speaker 1: my knee and they're like.
Speaker 2: I have a new kid in my class.
Speaker 1: You know, a lot of parenting is teaching children how
Speaker 1: to be people because they don't have these skills, and
Speaker 1: if our expectation is like, well, they should know that
Speaker 1: they shouldn't interrupt me. Where with they learning, They're not
Speaker 1: getting the education in the womb. You know, there's no
Speaker 1: instruction in there for those nine months, and so everything
Speaker 1: starts on the outside and we are teaching them. Hey,
Speaker 1: I know that that. Thank you for telling me that.
Speaker 1: That's super important. However, when you see me talking, you know,
Speaker 1: you just throw your little finger up and I will
Speaker 1: just I'll throw mine up to let you know that
Speaker 1: I see you. And when I'm ready to say something,
Speaker 1: I will I will call your name. You know, you
Speaker 1: redirect them, you give them some instruction. You will have
Speaker 1: to repeat that. Perhaps our family members don't know that
Speaker 1: because there used to being a key. You get bopped
Speaker 1: in the head or something for interrupting. So that's how
Speaker 1: you learn ooh, I am not gonna interrupt because they
Speaker 1: gonna slap me in it.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: So we may be parenting in a different way. We
Speaker 1: are parenting with new techniques that the people around us
Speaker 1: may not have, and so just letting them know what
Speaker 1: you're doing, perhaps it could help, or if it is
Speaker 1: not helping, you will have to figure out some strategies
Speaker 1: to be in relationship with these family members and not
Speaker 1: disrupt the flow of your family. We'll pause here and
Speaker 1: we'll be back soon.
Speaker 3: In the last few months, I decided I no longer
Speaker 3: wanted to spend the holidays with my family. Because of this,
Speaker 3: my husband and I took my children on a vacation
Speaker 3: for the holidays, and it was lovely. However, my children
Speaker 3: kept telling me they missed going to the extended family.
Speaker 3: They keep asking when we are going back, and if
Speaker 3: we are going to go for the next holiday. I
Speaker 3: don't know where to begin to explain.
Speaker 2: This to them.
Speaker 3: I really don't want to tell them how my family
Speaker 3: is being judgmental regarding their challenges and disabilities. But I
Speaker 3: also don't want to keep giving vague answers, since I
Speaker 3: know that can be unsettling for them. I told them
Speaker 3: I myself prefer to either stay home for the holidays
Speaker 3: or take a vacation, but my kids say it's not
Speaker 3: fair because they want to go to the extended family.
Speaker 3: I want to protect them from my family, but also
Speaker 3: not explain how badly my family has been acting and
Speaker 3: how negatively my family views my.
Speaker 2: Kids and myself.
Speaker 3: I'm worried that if my kids know how negatively they
Speaker 3: are viewed by my siblings, and how judgmental my siblings are,
Speaker 3: it will be very.
Speaker 2: Hurtful for them.
Speaker 3: I feel trapped trying to look out for what's best
Speaker 3: for my kids and not having them get hurt.
Speaker 1: What do our kids need to know and when do
Speaker 1: they need to know it?
Speaker 2: What is our motivation for telling them?
Speaker 1: There are things that could be helpful for them to know,
Speaker 1: and there are things that could be harmful for them
Speaker 1: to know. For them to know, you know your uncle
Speaker 1: doesn't really like you, I don't see the helpfulness in that.
Speaker 1: You know, you really get on your aunt's nerves. I'm
Speaker 1: not hereing the helpfulness in that. And let's face it,
Speaker 1: we can get on people nerves and they still love us.
Speaker 1: That's why your kids are still longing for them, Because
Speaker 1: even though they have some behaviors in your family complains
Speaker 1: or tries to redirect it, your kids are still feeling
Speaker 1: some love from that family. So there is tons of
Speaker 1: things happening, and then there's moments of disruption with behaviors,
Speaker 1: and so it sounds like two things are true. There
Speaker 1: are some good times and there are some not so
Speaker 1: good times, And so I would wonder if pulling them
Speaker 1: away from the family that they want to be around
Speaker 1: is helpful, and maybe there are some other times to
Speaker 1: spend together outside of the holidays. Do you ever invite
Speaker 1: them into your children's world. Do you say, Hey, we're
Speaker 1: going to an amusement park, or hey, let's take them
Speaker 1: to the movies. Like what sort of interactions do your
Speaker 1: family have with the kids outside of like holidays and
Speaker 1: family gatherings, Like maybe there are other things that can
Speaker 1: pull them into the lives of your children where they
Speaker 1: can actually get to know them and maybe build a
Speaker 1: tolerance around some of these misbehaviors or some of these
Speaker 1: things that your family may be having issues with. One
Speaker 1: of the things that connects us to children is knowing
Speaker 1: them deeply, and we can build our compassion around that.
Speaker 1: If we only see them in one sort of way,
Speaker 1: it's very hard to be compassionate when they're misbehaving. We're like,
Speaker 1: just stop this behavior. Like I don't have any sensitivities
Speaker 1: to these other things, So it might be hopeful to
Speaker 1: not necessarily pull away but lean into in a different way,
Speaker 1: like explore what that could look like outside of just
Speaker 1: holidays or family gathering.
Speaker 2: I hear you saying that you.
Speaker 1: Don't want to tell them that this is the case
Speaker 1: with your family, And I am saying to you that
Speaker 1: what is the point of saying it? Do you want
Speaker 1: them to have negative opinions or views of your family
Speaker 1: or are you trying to help them deepen the connection.
Speaker 1: I wonder how much of this is about you and
Speaker 1: your relationships with your siblings. How many hard conversations have
Speaker 1: you had around their parenting philosophies, How many hard conversations
Speaker 1: have you had around the ADHD and the learning differences
Speaker 1: and the impulsive behaviors. Sometimes when we are talking to people,
Speaker 1: we may not realize that what we're sharing that they're
Speaker 1: trying to protect us. So if you're sharing, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: the other day when Stephen came home, he did X,
Speaker 1: Y and Z and it was so annoying to me,
Speaker 1: your siblings may be trying to come to your rescue
Speaker 1: in those moments, like you're not about to annoy my sister.
Speaker 1: Stop talking to my sister like that, right, Like they're
Speaker 1: not even thinking like, oh my gosh, this is a child.
Speaker 1: It's like, no, I see my sister frustrated. I see her,
Speaker 1: you know, at these appointments and doing these things, and
Speaker 1: it's like I'm trying to protect you from these kids.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to get them together so you will not
Speaker 1: have these stories.
Speaker 2: And I see how.
Speaker 1: You know, when we're at these gatherings, you're running around
Speaker 1: and maybe you're frazz older, You're having these, you know,
Speaker 1: soft conversations, and I see them as harming you and
Speaker 1: disrespecting you. And my energy is coming from a place
Speaker 1: of protection and love. It's not actually coming from a
Speaker 1: place of I don't like my nephews. It's like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to be a big brother here and defend
Speaker 1: you against these kids.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: I say sometimes if my ancestors are watching this moment
Speaker 1: in parenting, they might spank my kids because they might
Speaker 1: say I'm being soft right now, because the protection that
Speaker 1: people might have for us is not necessarily like, oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, like these kids are terrible. It's like, I
Speaker 1: love you so much. I don't want to hear them
Speaker 1: talking to you like this. It's so offensive to me
Speaker 1: to observe this interaction. I've been in therapy sessions with
Speaker 1: teenagers and their parents, and there are some teenagers where
Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh my gosh, you are reckless at
Speaker 1: the mouth. I mean, I can't even listen to you
Speaker 1: talk to your mother like that. Now, your mother, she
Speaker 1: might tolerate it. Not in this room, though, because in
Speaker 1: this room you will not talk to her like that. Now,
Speaker 1: when y'all step in the hallway and get in the car,
Speaker 1: you could go back to yelling and cussing and all
Speaker 1: that stuff. But kids don't cuss not here. So all
Speaker 1: of this profanity you have saved that for your listening
Speaker 1: and music. I don't want to hear that here. So
Speaker 1: in this space we will be respectful. What your mother
Speaker 1: tolerates may be different from what I tolerate. With your
Speaker 1: father tolerates, it might be different from what I tolerate.
Speaker 1: So just in how you speak to people, I want
Speaker 1: you to be assertive, I want you to be clear,
Speaker 1: but I don't want you to be rude.
Speaker 2: I don't want you to be derogatory. And we don't
Speaker 2: have to.
Speaker 1: Use any profanity. Everything that you're saying can be whispered.
Speaker 1: Everything that you're saying can be delivered in a way
Speaker 1: that doesn't cause you to yell or demean right, So
Speaker 1: how do you say this in a way where you
Speaker 1: can convey that you don't like this thing or that
Speaker 1: this thing isn't working for you or you feel controlled,
Speaker 1: and that you could say that without you know, being disrespectful,
Speaker 1: because I feel a need to protect this adult, at
Speaker 1: least in.
Speaker 2: Front of me.
Speaker 1: So I know sometimes you may feel like, oh, it's
Speaker 1: so annoying for them to, you know, say something to
Speaker 1: my kids. But perhaps teaching them how to address those
Speaker 1: situations what might be more appropriate, Like sometimes it takes
Speaker 1: people to help us with our children, you know, the
Speaker 1: saying it takes a village to raise a child. Everybody
Speaker 1: in that village is going to have a different perspective
Speaker 1: and personality, and kids need that.
Speaker 2: When kids have a.
Speaker 1: Firm teacher, it's like they need a firm teacher to
Speaker 1: even appreciate the teacher who's always given out goldfish. They
Speaker 1: need a firm or adult to be able to understand like, oh,
Speaker 1: you can't talk to everybody in this you know, so
Speaker 1: we need different people. And if we're trying to make
Speaker 1: everybody this sort of way, it can It can teach
Speaker 1: kids that, you know, everybody has to cater you, and
Speaker 1: you know all of these sorts of things, but in actuality,
Speaker 1: you live in a world and Uncle so and so
Speaker 1: he's not gonna you know, yell and all of these
Speaker 1: these these are the things that you try to correct.
Speaker 2: But he might want to talk to you if he hears.
Speaker 1: You yelling at me, he may intervene if you know,
Speaker 1: you slam a door, you know, Like, so, how do
Speaker 1: other people get to be a part of that village?
Speaker 1: That's what you're talking about with your family. I want
Speaker 1: that support. I want some level of connection, and I understand,
Speaker 1: like maybe you don't understand, like how you know the
Speaker 1: symptoms of ADHD and what impulsiveness looks like in kids.
Speaker 1: But when this is happening, it would be helpful if
Speaker 1: give them some ideas because they don't know. They're doing
Speaker 1: what they think is appropriate, which doesn't seem to be working.
Speaker 1: So give them some ideas around. Okay, so if this
Speaker 1: thing is happening, here's a way that you can intervene.
Speaker 1: You started off by saying that your family members were
Speaker 1: emotionally immature. I think about this when I think about
Speaker 1: emotional immaturity. If they are immature, how do I mean
Speaker 1: my maturity in this situation with them? I mentioned earlier
Speaker 1: the parenting philosophy. If you embarrass me, I'm gonna embarrass you.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like a match, right, But emotional maturity
Speaker 1: says that I can be composed when you are disregulated.
Speaker 1: I can maintain a certain level of energy when you
Speaker 1: are doing these other things. As you've grown in your parenting,
Speaker 1: that has probably gotten better. You have teenagers, so you've
Speaker 1: had a lot of practice with this that they don't have.
Speaker 1: And so yeah, they may be you know, in this
Speaker 1: in this phase of like I don't get it, I
Speaker 1: don't understand it.
Speaker 2: You know, if you cry, I'm wnsta start crying with you.
Speaker 1: Right, It's like, you know, they may not understand how
Speaker 1: that is actually not helpful behavior for a situation. Now,
Speaker 1: you don't have to sit them down and give them,
Speaker 1: you know, all of your notes from whatever book you've
Speaker 1: read on emotional maturity, but it might be helpful to
Speaker 1: just again let them know some ways to address the
Speaker 1: situation or connect with your kids. It doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: they'll be open to it, but at least you're giving
Speaker 1: them the option of doing something different, just saying to them,
Speaker 1: you know, the kids have you know, these diagnoses, and
Speaker 1: this is why I'm doing these things. That might not
Speaker 1: be enough because they may not have the understanding that
Speaker 1: you have and from what I'm hearing, this is an
Speaker 1: important matter to you, and it seems like the kids
Speaker 1: still want to be in relationship and they're not even
Speaker 1: noticing some of these things. So how can you talk
Speaker 1: to your family about some of the things that you're
Speaker 1: observing and some of the ways that you would want
Speaker 1: them to respond. You need to hear this one thing
Speaker 1: that can be really hopeful for us. When we observe
Speaker 1: some behaviors that we would rather not see from other people,
Speaker 1: it's pausing. We don't have to respond to it. We
Speaker 1: may not need to fix it, it might not be
Speaker 1: our thing, but just stepping back and seeing if the
Speaker 1: situation can work itself out.
Speaker 2: And if the.
Speaker 1: People involved, the direct people involved can't work it out
Speaker 1: and we really cannot observe something, we have the opportunity
Speaker 1: to not watch it. I can leave the room. I
Speaker 1: can go and sit for in my car. I could
Speaker 1: go for a walk. I can leave this space because
Speaker 1: something is unfolding here that I would rather not see.
Speaker 1: So try observing and pausing. You need to hear. This
Speaker 1: is an iHeart production. Host it by me Nadra Glover
Speaker 1: to wab Our executive producer is Joel Bonique. Our Senior
Speaker 1: producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a
Speaker 1: voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at
Speaker 1: you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please
Speaker 1: be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it,
Speaker 1: and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this.
Speaker 2: Talk to you next time.