WEBVTT - Pause and Observe 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.560 Hi, listeners, Welcome back. I'm Metric Glover to WIB and 0:00:03.640 --> 0:00:07.600 you need to hear this this week. I want to 0:00:07.680 --> 0:00:12.520 start by saying that before I had children, I remember 0:00:12.720 --> 0:00:16.439 talking to many parents and they would say something you 0:00:16.480 --> 0:00:18.680 know about parenting and they would say, well, you don't 0:00:18.760 --> 0:00:21.680 understand because you don't have kids. And I used to 0:00:21.720 --> 0:00:24.560 get so irritated, like what I do understand? 0:00:24.640 --> 0:00:27.360 I used to be a kid. I work with kids. 0:00:28.680 --> 0:00:31.320 But let me tell you there are some things that 0:00:31.360 --> 0:00:34.320 I did not understand because I did not have kids. 0:00:36.280 --> 0:00:40.519 It's challenging to admit that now because I thought I 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:43.400 was so right and guess what, I was right in 0:00:43.520 --> 0:00:45.960 that moment at that time. I think there are some 0:00:46.240 --> 0:00:52.440 nuances that although we observe things with children, when you're 0:00:52.440 --> 0:00:57.120 in an actual situation with them, things are very different. 0:00:57.280 --> 0:00:59.920 And before I had kids, I had these, like I do. 0:01:00.080 --> 0:01:05.080 Years of firmness, and you know how things would go 0:01:05.560 --> 0:01:09.560 and the way that the universe operates. And you are 0:01:09.720 --> 0:01:13.280 introduced to this child and you raise them from this 0:01:13.480 --> 0:01:16.920 little tiny being of not even being able to hold 0:01:16.959 --> 0:01:19.880 their head up to this person who is now talking back, 0:01:20.680 --> 0:01:24.800 your level of compassion might be a little different when 0:01:24.800 --> 0:01:31.400 you have an actual child. I was much firmer with younger. 0:01:31.120 --> 0:01:33.160 Cousins when I had no kids. 0:01:34.480 --> 0:01:37.240 I was because I was like, oh, no, you kids 0:01:37.280 --> 0:01:40.080 will listen if I'm going to take you to the zoo. 0:01:40.520 --> 0:01:42.360 You know, it's single foul line. 0:01:42.840 --> 0:01:46.119 Now I am the woman at the zoo or at 0:01:46.120 --> 0:01:49.080 the children's play, and it's like, someone needs to ligne 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:52.040 me and these kids up because everybody here is just 0:01:52.640 --> 0:01:55.560 out of control. I'm joking, but you get what I'm 0:01:55.600 --> 0:01:58.560 going with this that some of the ideas we have 0:01:58.960 --> 0:02:03.960 around how things will be when we get to this point. Hopefully, 0:02:04.680 --> 0:02:07.760 you know, our mind changes about those things because we 0:02:07.840 --> 0:02:08.920 have new information. 0:02:09.160 --> 0:02:10.840 The relationship is deeper. 0:02:11.000 --> 0:02:15.239 Maybe you know, we've had some experiences that have shaped us. 0:02:16.000 --> 0:02:18.680 Where am I going with all this? So today's letter 0:02:19.600 --> 0:02:23.600 is from someone who is dealing with the feedback from 0:02:23.720 --> 0:02:29.119 family members about their parenting. I think it's really important 0:02:29.320 --> 0:02:35.000 for us to one consider how we deliver information to people, 0:02:35.520 --> 0:02:41.519 and two consider if they even want it. Oftentimes, in families, 0:02:41.600 --> 0:02:45.320 there is this unspoken rule that because we are siblings, 0:02:45.360 --> 0:02:47.959 because you're my daughter, because you're my son, cousin, whoever, 0:02:48.600 --> 0:02:52.400 I can say what I feel right and it might 0:02:52.400 --> 0:02:54.280 not be that way in other relationships. It might not 0:02:54.320 --> 0:02:56.839 be that way in friendships. It's certainly not that way 0:02:56.880 --> 0:02:59.720 with coworkers. We would withhold. If you saw your co 0:02:59.800 --> 0:03:03.280 worker kid doing something, you might continue to just eat 0:03:03.320 --> 0:03:05.720 your chips at your desk. You might not say anything 0:03:05.880 --> 0:03:10.000 like hmm, But if it's your niece, you like get 0:03:10.040 --> 0:03:11.360 off of there, right Like. 0:03:11.440 --> 0:03:12.280 There is this. 0:03:12.240 --> 0:03:16.920 Authority that we feel, you know, in families with other 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:21.000 people's kids, and sometimes it's welcome, like some parents will 0:03:21.000 --> 0:03:25.120 want the support, and then other times it's not. 0:03:25.160 --> 0:03:25.880 Welcome at all. 0:03:25.919 --> 0:03:28.359 And I really want you to just if you don't 0:03:28.360 --> 0:03:32.160 have children parents yourself, don't parent my kids right like, 0:03:32.440 --> 0:03:36.840 just you know, worry about you and your playtime. On 0:03:36.880 --> 0:03:42.560 the flip side, I think when some kids are being free, 0:03:43.360 --> 0:03:50.240 when they are being age appropriate, you may not remember 0:03:50.520 --> 0:03:56.080 yourself being that way. So many of us are emotionally blocked. 0:03:56.720 --> 0:04:00.360 We didn't have the opportunity to be a certain way 0:04:00.520 --> 0:04:04.360 in childhood, and so when we see kids behaving in 0:04:04.400 --> 0:04:07.040 a certain way, it's like, oh, the audacity. If I 0:04:07.080 --> 0:04:09.840 would have jumped when I was walking, I would have 0:04:09.880 --> 0:04:12.280 gotten in trouble. And it's like wow, when you really 0:04:12.320 --> 0:04:14.600 think about that that's you couldn't. 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:15.320 Jump while walking. 0:04:16.240 --> 0:04:19.680 You couldn't you know, get your shirt wet, like some 0:04:19.839 --> 0:04:22.120 of the things that we're advocating for. 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:23.799 It's like we need to stop. 0:04:24.600 --> 0:04:27.240 A few weeks ago, I took my children to the 0:04:27.279 --> 0:04:30.960 trampoline park, and the hardest part about going to the 0:04:31.000 --> 0:04:37.000 trampoline park is leaving the trampoline park. All the trickery 0:04:37.160 --> 0:04:38.960 I have to do. You get in the car, I'll 0:04:39.000 --> 0:04:40.640 get you some some dipping. 0:04:40.440 --> 0:04:42.839 Dots of it. It's a whole show. 0:04:43.160 --> 0:04:45.720 Okay, I'm getting these kids out of here, and they 0:04:45.760 --> 0:04:47.960 are just you know, they've gone from jumping up and 0:04:48.040 --> 0:04:50.520 down and swinging and all of this stuff, so they 0:04:50.600 --> 0:04:52.920 kind of, you know, they still in play mode. 0:04:53.080 --> 0:04:54.720 And I stopped for a minute and I. 0:04:54.600 --> 0:04:59.360 Said, Wow, my kids are free in a way that 0:04:59.480 --> 0:05:03.320 I didn't not know in childhood. They have never been 0:05:03.960 --> 0:05:06.799 worried about, oh let me not embarrass my mom. 0:05:07.200 --> 0:05:09.520 I was worried about those sort of things. You know. 0:05:09.640 --> 0:05:13.680 It's like if I embarrass my parent, boy, oh boy, 0:05:13.720 --> 0:05:14.760 would they embarrass me. 0:05:14.880 --> 0:05:17.440 But my kids they're free, you know, They're like. 0:05:17.400 --> 0:05:20.160 I'm having a good time. This is a playful environment. 0:05:20.480 --> 0:05:23.280 I'm gonna do four cartwheels before I get to the car. 0:05:23.560 --> 0:05:25.760 I want to walk on this, you know, those little 0:05:25.800 --> 0:05:28.640 tall brick things. Everybody get the balance on it. You know. 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:30.840 It's just fun, fun, fun, fun fun. 0:05:31.440 --> 0:05:36.400 And instead of being irritated by that, I choose to 0:05:36.480 --> 0:05:40.880 be an admiration of that, because that is something that 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:46.240 I'm happy that they have the freedom to do. And 0:05:46.320 --> 0:05:48.600 maybe when I'm walking with my friends, I need to 0:05:48.640 --> 0:05:52.440 start balancing a little bit on a little brick thing. Right. 0:05:52.960 --> 0:05:55.080 I can't do no cartwheel. That's never been my thing. 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:57.680 But you know, maybe there's a few jumping up and 0:05:57.760 --> 0:05:59.719 downs that I need to do, at least kicking my 0:05:59.720 --> 0:06:00.600 feet up and down. 0:06:00.520 --> 0:06:01.080 When I laugh. 0:06:01.279 --> 0:06:06.680 I don't know, but it reminds me that perhaps because 0:06:06.760 --> 0:06:12.440 we were not afforded the opportunity to misbehave or to 0:06:12.640 --> 0:06:16.960 not always be in line, we feel that when kids 0:06:16.960 --> 0:06:20.159 are afforded that opportunity, like it's this horrible thing and 0:06:20.200 --> 0:06:22.680 it means something for their life. You know, if your 0:06:22.800 --> 0:06:26.480 kids don't sit down when you say sit down, they're 0:06:26.480 --> 0:06:28.480 not going to get through college. And it's like, WHOA, 0:06:28.760 --> 0:06:32.479 that's a really tall accusation there. You know, it's a 0:06:32.520 --> 0:06:35.800 five year old. Let's get into today's letter because guess 0:06:35.800 --> 0:06:38.120 what I could do go on and on about this topic. 0:06:38.240 --> 0:06:41.520 So let's listen and I will chime in as we do. 0:06:46.720 --> 0:06:49.400 Hi, I have a question relating to my children and 0:06:49.440 --> 0:06:54.200 my emotionally immature family members. I have three teenagers, one 0:06:54.240 --> 0:06:57.760 who is diagnosed with ADHD and learning differences, and the 0:06:57.800 --> 0:06:59.800 other two who are deep feeling. 0:06:59.520 --> 0:07:01.160 In some impulsive. 0:07:02.240 --> 0:07:04.320 I am from a large family, and most of my 0:07:04.360 --> 0:07:07.560 siblings do not have kids, and none of them have teenagers. 0:07:07.920 --> 0:07:10.720 When we come to family gatherings or holiday visits, some 0:07:10.760 --> 0:07:13.960 of my siblings cannot tolerate when my children get upset 0:07:14.240 --> 0:07:18.480 or fight or get dysregulated. If my siblings disagree with 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:20.880 how I'm handling the situation with one of my children, 0:07:21.320 --> 0:07:24.320 they will often intervene and tell them harshly to stop 0:07:24.720 --> 0:07:26.920 or be quiet, and tell me that I can't let 0:07:27.000 --> 0:07:29.920 my kids get away with things. When I've tried to 0:07:29.960 --> 0:07:32.800 have conversations with my siblings regarding my children and their 0:07:32.840 --> 0:07:35.000 needs and how I feel is the best way to 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:39.360 parent them, it is almost never productive. They scream and 0:07:39.480 --> 0:07:41.560 yell and will tell me how unhealthy it is for 0:07:41.640 --> 0:07:44.480 my children to raise them this way. And I'm raising 0:07:44.480 --> 0:07:48.600 my children to be inconsiderate and undisciplined. I find that 0:07:48.680 --> 0:07:51.280 my own family is the least supportive space for me 0:07:51.360 --> 0:07:55.080 and my children, where we are all navigating significant challenges 0:07:55.120 --> 0:07:58.640 related to having a disability, having a child with a disability, 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:01.440 or having a sibling with a disability. 0:08:02.240 --> 0:08:06.760 I remember reading a book by Eon Levanzant titled The 0:08:06.920 --> 0:08:11.880 Value in the Valley, and she had an acronym for 0:08:12.360 --> 0:08:17.200 this phrase that she said, other people's problems opp And 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:22.680 this situation made me think of opp other people's parenting. 0:08:24.160 --> 0:08:28.960 We have to figure out what exactly is our business, 0:08:29.880 --> 0:08:33.559 and in a situation when someone else is parenting, there 0:08:33.600 --> 0:08:36.160 are things that we have power over. It's not the 0:08:36.200 --> 0:08:40.439 other person's child, but it is something within us. 0:08:40.720 --> 0:08:43.160 So if I am observing some. 0:08:43.160 --> 0:08:47.000 Misbehaving happening and it's like, oh my gosh, these kids 0:08:47.000 --> 0:08:49.760 don't listen or they don't do this thing, maybe I 0:08:49.800 --> 0:08:52.000 can request to have one on one time. 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:53.520 With you away from the kids. 0:08:54.280 --> 0:08:58.040 Maybe I can figure out some sort of activities that 0:08:58.200 --> 0:09:04.200 actually occupied them. Maybe there are some conversations that I 0:09:04.240 --> 0:09:07.200 will have with you one on one. But yelling at 0:09:07.280 --> 0:09:10.679 you at a family gathering that might not be helpful. 0:09:12.000 --> 0:09:14.600 That might not be the helpful way, and I understand 0:09:14.640 --> 0:09:19.640 that with other people's parenting, we feel like it is 0:09:19.679 --> 0:09:24.880 a them problem, when in actuality, what we have considered 0:09:25.320 --> 0:09:29.880 as good parenting is controlling parenting. If you can control 0:09:30.000 --> 0:09:33.439 your child to the point of them being quiet, if 0:09:33.480 --> 0:09:36.480 you can control your child to the point of them 0:09:36.559 --> 0:09:40.680 not crying, if you can control your child enough to 0:09:40.760 --> 0:09:43.640 the point of them sitting through this very boring, non 0:09:43.880 --> 0:09:47.480 entertaining thing for two hours, you have master parenting. 0:09:49.440 --> 0:09:50.240 And I think. 0:09:50.080 --> 0:09:54.360 How unfortunate that is for a child of a certain 0:09:54.400 --> 0:09:59.280 developmental age, whether that is someone in middle school, high school, 0:09:59.520 --> 0:10:05.320 or primary school, to have that level of control without fear, 0:10:05.480 --> 0:10:07.920 because you know, a lot of that comes with your 0:10:07.960 --> 0:10:10.440 parent has made you fear them in some way, so 0:10:10.520 --> 0:10:13.680 that's how they're able to have that level of control. 0:10:13.920 --> 0:10:15.479 So to have that level. 0:10:15.240 --> 0:10:20.040 Of control, it requires a certain type of you know, 0:10:20.120 --> 0:10:26.760 personality sometimes, and we're talking about children with disabilities. We're 0:10:26.760 --> 0:10:31.880 not talking about atypical children here. We're talking about ADHD 0:10:32.320 --> 0:10:36.480 and learning differences and you know, some things going on. 0:10:36.720 --> 0:10:42.120 So the insensitivity to the uniqueness of what this situation 0:10:42.480 --> 0:10:47.960 is is very challenging to expect someone who has some 0:10:48.160 --> 0:10:52.120 challenges in some way. To perform as everyone else would 0:10:53.040 --> 0:10:57.760 is quite difficult. And you can't make a person understand, right, 0:10:57.800 --> 0:10:59.880 like you can't make your family member understand. 0:11:00.080 --> 0:11:01.520 I guess what, you know. 0:11:01.640 --> 0:11:05.120 Here's the thing, here's the testing. And because some people don't. 0:11:05.360 --> 0:11:09.920 You know, sometimes people I've seen folks look at you know, 0:11:10.480 --> 0:11:15.000 IEP or some diagnostic testing and it says like, oh, 0:11:15.160 --> 0:11:17.880 this is the thing, this is the mental health diagnosis. 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:20.920 But there's this idea like, no, this kid is just 0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:24.840 choosing this. They're just choosing this bad behavior in this moment, 0:11:24.920 --> 0:11:28.600 and I'm bad in air quotes to disrupt this situation. 0:11:29.200 --> 0:11:33.760 And if you have something such as ADHD, you know, 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:37.320 it's impulsiveness is sort of built into that, right or 0:11:37.360 --> 0:11:40.640 some inattentive or you know, something is built into that. 0:11:40.679 --> 0:11:43.640 And that's not to say you'll never be able to 0:11:43.679 --> 0:11:46.200 control it, but it's a work in progress. And there 0:11:46.200 --> 0:11:50.280 are certain ways that we have to handle situations. When 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:56.599 people have identified diagnoses of some sort with our families, 0:11:57.800 --> 0:12:01.360 educating them might be really helpful. Now I just saying, hey, 0:12:01.400 --> 0:12:05.320 this person has ADHD or they have this learning difference, 0:12:05.400 --> 0:12:09.559 but this is how it manifests. This is how we 0:12:09.640 --> 0:12:12.680 have been taught to address it. So as I'm talking 0:12:13.160 --> 0:12:16.920 to my child, you might hear me redirect them in 0:12:17.000 --> 0:12:20.960 this way. Actually, this thing that you're doing now, it 0:12:21.000 --> 0:12:25.560 doesn't work. It triggers them more. So, maybe teaching them 0:12:25.640 --> 0:12:29.000 some of the skills you've learned to deal with your 0:12:29.080 --> 0:12:33.400 children a lot of you know, some of their ideas. Again, 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:36.800 it goes back to some of the ways in which 0:12:36.800 --> 0:12:39.680 your siblings may have been parented or some of the 0:12:39.880 --> 0:12:43.360 you know, ideas that they see with their other children. 0:12:43.760 --> 0:12:47.520 You know, it makes me think of children being in restaurants, 0:12:48.160 --> 0:12:50.679 and this is another thing I had to you know, 0:12:50.840 --> 0:12:54.760 I had to have a moment around when I see 0:12:54.800 --> 0:12:58.680 little especially like little babies and restaurants and you know, 0:12:58.800 --> 0:13:01.600 parents usually little settlement up with some distraction thing like 0:13:01.600 --> 0:13:04.080 I'm gonna give you four apples and an orange. Just 0:13:04.240 --> 0:13:06.400 play with this, you know, play with your little thing, 0:13:07.040 --> 0:13:09.480 and the baby's just throwing it on the floor. Then they, 0:13:11.440 --> 0:13:13.640 you know, they start causing a scene. And you know, 0:13:13.720 --> 0:13:16.480 you have some folks who will say like, oh my gosh, 0:13:16.520 --> 0:13:20.440 this child and I'm like, it's a baby in a restaurant. 0:13:20.720 --> 0:13:24.280 Like first off, their attention span super short, they're not 0:13:24.360 --> 0:13:28.480 watching Bluey or something fun. They're sitting here watching people 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:32.040 talk about something they can't even engage in, and all 0:13:32.080 --> 0:13:37.280 they have is apples to stare at how boring, Like, 0:13:37.360 --> 0:13:41.560 I'm just thinking, this is the most boring thing for 0:13:41.679 --> 0:13:42.839 a baby to be doing. 0:13:43.400 --> 0:13:45.640 Have we thought about this baby in this scenario. 0:13:45.920 --> 0:13:50.240 I'm feeling for the baby, like, somebody please do some 0:13:51.160 --> 0:13:54.000 raspberry blows or something. 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:55.600 Let's entertain this baby. 0:13:56.000 --> 0:13:59.960 I hear that all the adults are annoyed, but develop 0:14:00.120 --> 0:14:04.840 up mentally, this baby is responding appropriately. 0:14:07.200 --> 0:14:09.080 I think we don't think about that. 0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:12.360 We don't think about like how hard it must be 0:14:12.520 --> 0:14:17.080 to not interrupt an adult when you feel like you 0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:18.920 have something really urgent to say. 0:14:18.920 --> 0:14:20.360 We're talking about kids here. 0:14:20.400 --> 0:14:24.960 Right, Like, so a child's most urgent thing might be 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:27.920 we have a new girl coming in my classroom, and 0:14:27.960 --> 0:14:33.120 they may interrupt you. You could be in the middle 0:14:33.240 --> 0:14:35.840 of oh my gosh, my trauma, and I just bump 0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:36.800 my knee and they're like. 0:14:37.320 --> 0:14:38.640 I have a new kid in my class. 0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:44.960 You know, a lot of parenting is teaching children how 0:14:45.000 --> 0:14:48.320 to be people because they don't have these skills, and 0:14:48.360 --> 0:14:50.640 if our expectation is like, well, they should know that 0:14:50.680 --> 0:14:54.160 they shouldn't interrupt me. Where with they learning, They're not 0:14:54.200 --> 0:14:57.960 getting the education in the womb. You know, there's no 0:14:58.120 --> 0:15:01.200 instruction in there for those nine months, and so everything 0:15:01.360 --> 0:15:04.720 starts on the outside and we are teaching them. Hey, 0:15:05.440 --> 0:15:08.280 I know that that. Thank you for telling me that. 0:15:08.280 --> 0:15:12.280 That's super important. However, when you see me talking, you know, 0:15:12.360 --> 0:15:15.160 you just throw your little finger up and I will 0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:17.120 just I'll throw mine up to let you know that 0:15:17.160 --> 0:15:19.400 I see you. And when I'm ready to say something, 0:15:19.520 --> 0:15:21.440 I will I will call your name. You know, you 0:15:21.520 --> 0:15:24.520 redirect them, you give them some instruction. You will have 0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:28.920 to repeat that. Perhaps our family members don't know that 0:15:29.040 --> 0:15:31.400 because there used to being a key. You get bopped 0:15:31.400 --> 0:15:33.920 in the head or something for interrupting. So that's how 0:15:33.960 --> 0:15:36.320 you learn ooh, I am not gonna interrupt because they 0:15:36.400 --> 0:15:37.200 gonna slap me in it. 0:15:37.240 --> 0:15:37.440 You know. 0:15:37.680 --> 0:15:43.760 So we may be parenting in a different way. We 0:15:43.800 --> 0:15:47.240 are parenting with new techniques that the people around us 0:15:47.320 --> 0:15:49.720 may not have, and so just letting them know what 0:15:49.760 --> 0:15:53.360 you're doing, perhaps it could help, or if it is 0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:56.840 not helping, you will have to figure out some strategies 0:15:56.880 --> 0:16:01.160 to be in relationship with these family members and not 0:16:01.320 --> 0:16:04.640 disrupt the flow of your family. We'll pause here and 0:16:04.720 --> 0:16:05.600 we'll be back soon. 0:16:13.240 --> 0:16:15.960 In the last few months, I decided I no longer 0:16:16.000 --> 0:16:18.440 wanted to spend the holidays with my family. Because of this, 0:16:19.240 --> 0:16:21.520 my husband and I took my children on a vacation 0:16:21.640 --> 0:16:24.920 for the holidays, and it was lovely. However, my children 0:16:25.000 --> 0:16:27.720 kept telling me they missed going to the extended family. 0:16:28.560 --> 0:16:31.080 They keep asking when we are going back, and if 0:16:31.080 --> 0:16:34.160 we are going to go for the next holiday. I 0:16:34.200 --> 0:16:36.360 don't know where to begin to explain. 0:16:35.960 --> 0:16:36.760 This to them. 0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:39.200 I really don't want to tell them how my family 0:16:39.280 --> 0:16:42.840 is being judgmental regarding their challenges and disabilities. But I 0:16:42.880 --> 0:16:45.600 also don't want to keep giving vague answers, since I 0:16:45.640 --> 0:16:48.880 know that can be unsettling for them. I told them 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:52.080 I myself prefer to either stay home for the holidays 0:16:52.240 --> 0:16:54.760 or take a vacation, but my kids say it's not 0:16:54.960 --> 0:16:57.560 fair because they want to go to the extended family. 0:16:58.800 --> 0:17:01.000 I want to protect them from my family, but also 0:17:01.120 --> 0:17:04.119 not explain how badly my family has been acting and 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:06.040 how negatively my family views my. 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:06.960 Kids and myself. 0:17:08.119 --> 0:17:10.919 I'm worried that if my kids know how negatively they 0:17:10.960 --> 0:17:14.400 are viewed by my siblings, and how judgmental my siblings are, 0:17:14.440 --> 0:17:15.320 it will be very. 0:17:15.320 --> 0:17:16.160 Hurtful for them. 0:17:16.880 --> 0:17:19.400 I feel trapped trying to look out for what's best 0:17:19.400 --> 0:17:22.240 for my kids and not having them get hurt. 0:17:22.960 --> 0:17:25.399 What do our kids need to know and when do 0:17:25.480 --> 0:17:26.440 they need to know it? 0:17:27.760 --> 0:17:32.320 What is our motivation for telling them? 0:17:34.400 --> 0:17:37.600 There are things that could be helpful for them to know, 0:17:37.800 --> 0:17:39.800 and there are things that could be harmful for them 0:17:39.840 --> 0:17:42.720 to know. For them to know, you know your uncle 0:17:42.720 --> 0:17:46.840 doesn't really like you, I don't see the helpfulness in that. 0:17:48.800 --> 0:17:52.440 You know, you really get on your aunt's nerves. I'm 0:17:52.440 --> 0:17:56.320 not hereing the helpfulness in that. And let's face it, 0:17:56.640 --> 0:17:59.160 we can get on people nerves and they still love us. 0:18:00.600 --> 0:18:04.240 That's why your kids are still longing for them, Because 0:18:05.040 --> 0:18:11.640 even though they have some behaviors in your family complains 0:18:12.119 --> 0:18:16.119 or tries to redirect it, your kids are still feeling 0:18:16.160 --> 0:18:20.879 some love from that family. So there is tons of 0:18:20.920 --> 0:18:27.760 things happening, and then there's moments of disruption with behaviors, 0:18:27.800 --> 0:18:32.439 and so it sounds like two things are true. There 0:18:32.480 --> 0:18:34.960 are some good times and there are some not so 0:18:35.119 --> 0:18:38.680 good times, And so I would wonder if pulling them 0:18:38.680 --> 0:18:41.320 away from the family that they want to be around 0:18:41.840 --> 0:18:46.879 is helpful, and maybe there are some other times to 0:18:46.920 --> 0:18:51.160 spend together outside of the holidays. Do you ever invite 0:18:51.200 --> 0:18:54.800 them into your children's world. Do you say, Hey, we're 0:18:54.840 --> 0:18:57.960 going to an amusement park, or hey, let's take them 0:18:58.080 --> 0:19:02.920 to the movies. Like what sort of interactions do your 0:19:02.960 --> 0:19:05.560 family have with the kids outside of like holidays and 0:19:05.640 --> 0:19:09.040 family gatherings, Like maybe there are other things that can 0:19:09.119 --> 0:19:12.520 pull them into the lives of your children where they 0:19:12.560 --> 0:19:15.000 can actually get to know them and maybe build a 0:19:15.119 --> 0:19:21.080 tolerance around some of these misbehaviors or some of these 0:19:21.160 --> 0:19:25.520 things that your family may be having issues with. One 0:19:25.600 --> 0:19:29.520 of the things that connects us to children is knowing 0:19:29.560 --> 0:19:33.720 them deeply, and we can build our compassion around that. 0:19:33.880 --> 0:19:37.400 If we only see them in one sort of way, 0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:42.000 it's very hard to be compassionate when they're misbehaving. We're like, 0:19:42.280 --> 0:19:45.320 just stop this behavior. Like I don't have any sensitivities 0:19:45.920 --> 0:19:48.320 to these other things, So it might be hopeful to 0:19:48.520 --> 0:19:52.280 not necessarily pull away but lean into in a different way, 0:19:52.440 --> 0:19:57.399 like explore what that could look like outside of just 0:19:57.520 --> 0:19:59.880 holidays or family gathering. 0:20:01.160 --> 0:20:03.440 I hear you saying that you. 0:20:03.480 --> 0:20:06.000 Don't want to tell them that this is the case 0:20:06.119 --> 0:20:08.640 with your family, And I am saying to you that 0:20:09.600 --> 0:20:13.400 what is the point of saying it? Do you want 0:20:13.440 --> 0:20:17.640 them to have negative opinions or views of your family 0:20:17.880 --> 0:20:22.000 or are you trying to help them deepen the connection. 0:20:22.920 --> 0:20:26.320 I wonder how much of this is about you and 0:20:26.440 --> 0:20:32.399 your relationships with your siblings. How many hard conversations have 0:20:32.600 --> 0:20:38.520 you had around their parenting philosophies, How many hard conversations 0:20:38.600 --> 0:20:44.159 have you had around the ADHD and the learning differences 0:20:44.280 --> 0:20:50.200 and the impulsive behaviors. Sometimes when we are talking to people, 0:20:50.760 --> 0:20:56.600 we may not realize that what we're sharing that they're 0:20:56.640 --> 0:21:00.959 trying to protect us. So if you're sharing, oh my gosh, 0:21:01.000 --> 0:21:04.520 the other day when Stephen came home, he did X, 0:21:04.680 --> 0:21:06.560 Y and Z and it was so annoying to me, 0:21:07.160 --> 0:21:09.720 your siblings may be trying to come to your rescue 0:21:10.320 --> 0:21:12.879 in those moments, like you're not about to annoy my sister. 0:21:13.520 --> 0:21:16.040 Stop talking to my sister like that, right, Like they're 0:21:16.080 --> 0:21:19.000 not even thinking like, oh my gosh, this is a child. 0:21:19.040 --> 0:21:21.600 It's like, no, I see my sister frustrated. I see her, 0:21:21.840 --> 0:21:24.239 you know, at these appointments and doing these things, and 0:21:24.280 --> 0:21:28.680 it's like I'm trying to protect you from these kids. 0:21:28.760 --> 0:21:32.439 I'm trying to get them together so you will not 0:21:32.640 --> 0:21:33.720 have these stories. 0:21:33.760 --> 0:21:34.680 And I see how. 0:21:34.840 --> 0:21:37.320 You know, when we're at these gatherings, you're running around 0:21:37.400 --> 0:21:40.199 and maybe you're frazz older, You're having these, you know, 0:21:40.320 --> 0:21:43.600 soft conversations, and I see them as harming you and 0:21:43.640 --> 0:21:49.320 disrespecting you. And my energy is coming from a place 0:21:49.400 --> 0:21:53.480 of protection and love. It's not actually coming from a 0:21:53.520 --> 0:21:57.359 place of I don't like my nephews. It's like, no, 0:21:57.520 --> 0:22:01.040 I'm trying to be a big brother here and defend 0:22:01.119 --> 0:22:03.120 you against these kids. 0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:04.679 You know. 0:22:05.040 --> 0:22:09.399 I say sometimes if my ancestors are watching this moment 0:22:09.520 --> 0:22:14.640 in parenting, they might spank my kids because they might 0:22:14.680 --> 0:22:19.479 say I'm being soft right now, because the protection that 0:22:19.600 --> 0:22:24.480 people might have for us is not necessarily like, oh 0:22:24.520 --> 0:22:28.000 my gosh, like these kids are terrible. It's like, I 0:22:28.080 --> 0:22:30.720 love you so much. I don't want to hear them 0:22:30.760 --> 0:22:34.600 talking to you like this. It's so offensive to me 0:22:35.320 --> 0:22:42.080 to observe this interaction. I've been in therapy sessions with 0:22:43.080 --> 0:22:48.480 teenagers and their parents, and there are some teenagers where 0:22:48.480 --> 0:22:50.679 I'm just like, oh my gosh, you are reckless at 0:22:50.720 --> 0:22:54.760 the mouth. I mean, I can't even listen to you 0:22:54.920 --> 0:22:57.040 talk to your mother like that. Now, your mother, she 0:22:57.119 --> 0:22:59.720 might tolerate it. Not in this room, though, because in 0:22:59.760 --> 0:23:02.719 this room you will not talk to her like that. Now, 0:23:02.760 --> 0:23:04.680 when y'all step in the hallway and get in the car, 0:23:04.880 --> 0:23:07.240 you could go back to yelling and cussing and all 0:23:07.240 --> 0:23:12.880 that stuff. But kids don't cuss not here. So all 0:23:12.880 --> 0:23:17.120 of this profanity you have saved that for your listening 0:23:17.280 --> 0:23:19.840 and music. I don't want to hear that here. So 0:23:20.040 --> 0:23:23.160 in this space we will be respectful. What your mother 0:23:23.320 --> 0:23:26.439 tolerates may be different from what I tolerate. With your 0:23:26.480 --> 0:23:29.920 father tolerates, it might be different from what I tolerate. 0:23:30.040 --> 0:23:33.640 So just in how you speak to people, I want 0:23:33.680 --> 0:23:37.280 you to be assertive, I want you to be clear, 0:23:37.640 --> 0:23:39.439 but I don't want you to be rude. 0:23:39.680 --> 0:23:42.320 I don't want you to be derogatory. And we don't 0:23:42.320 --> 0:23:42.600 have to. 0:23:42.680 --> 0:23:46.720 Use any profanity. Everything that you're saying can be whispered. 0:23:48.000 --> 0:23:52.879