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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Steph.

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Speaker 1: I've never told your production of iHeartRadio. And for today's

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Speaker 1: Monday many we are talking about, for a quick content warning,

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Speaker 1: some internalized ableism, some mentions of disordered eating. We're not

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Speaker 1: really going to go into too much, but just to

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Speaker 1: be super clear and super safe, take care of yourself.

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Speaker 1: Because yeah, it's happy Happy Disability Pride Month. You can

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Speaker 1: see our episode that we did about the history of

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Speaker 1: Disability Pride Month. You can see your episode we did

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Speaker 1: on the ADA as well and how that got passed.

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Speaker 1: And I have been thinking about this. This is just

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Speaker 1: sort of a check in because, as we've mentioned a

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Speaker 1: lot of times, we have recorded our audio book for

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Speaker 1: our full upcoming book, and one of the chapters I'm

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Speaker 1: most anxious about is the chapter we did on disability rights,

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Speaker 1: just because the terminology has not agreed upon and it's

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Speaker 1: changed a lot, which is kind of throughout our whole book.

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Speaker 1: Is kind of that whole thing is there, but I'm

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Speaker 1: anxious about that. I was telling Samantha the book club

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Speaker 1: we had this month care work. I wish I had

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Speaker 1: read that forever ago, to be honest, but I wish

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Speaker 1: I had read it before I wrote that chapter, because

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Speaker 1: I was the one that wrote that chapter. It was

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Speaker 1: just so helpful and informative. And that's one of those

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Speaker 1: things where I keep having friends I'm like expressing this

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Speaker 1: nervousness about the book coming out, and they keep saying, like,

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Speaker 1: you know, it was never going to be perfect and

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Speaker 1: all of all of those things. But I keep thinking

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Speaker 1: like that I could have done this, but I could

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Speaker 1: have known this, or I could have done it slightly differently,

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Speaker 1: and yeah, it's just it's and honestly, like when it

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Speaker 1: comes to this check in doing an audiobook, I think

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Speaker 1: I said it in the previous episode, really open some

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Speaker 1: kind of wound for me, and I have been struggle.

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Speaker 1: I just have been struggling ever since we've done it,

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Speaker 1: just with like sadness, like lying on the floor sobbing sadness,

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Speaker 1: panic panic. I was telling you, I I don't normally

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Speaker 1: panic about like, oh I think I'm dying, but I

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Speaker 1: have recently. I know, I know, I know, and we've

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Speaker 1: said before I laugh a lot, but that's kind of

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Speaker 1: my difference mechanism. I realized it's serious because I think

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Speaker 1: there's a difference between sort of the joke we make

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Speaker 1: about like you go on web MD and they're like,

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Speaker 1: oh gosh, I'm dying versus like and they can overlap

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Speaker 1: absolutely the verses like oh my gosh, I actually think

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Speaker 1: I'm dying. So that's new and it has started since

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Speaker 1: the audiobook, which I think is going to sound great.

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Speaker 1: Please don't take this as some kind of like, oh gosh,

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Speaker 1: I shouldn't listen do It was just that I hadn't

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Speaker 1: said those things a loud before.

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Speaker 2: Well. Also, we talked about it previously, the level of

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Speaker 2: panic in doing an audiobook when you're not a expecting

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Speaker 2: to do an audiobook. We didn't.

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Speaker 3: That was not a part of our contract y'all.

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Speaker 2: So it kind of came out of nowhere and we

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Speaker 2: could have opted out and not done it, but it

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Speaker 2: felt like kind of self effacing to not do it.

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Speaker 2: I think that's the best way, like self deprecating in

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Speaker 2: a way that it's like, but we wrote these and we.

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Speaker 3: Are proud of our words.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but as individuals who didn't expect and have anxiety

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Speaker 2: when it comes to performance. We've talked about our level

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Speaker 2: of anxiety, like we get geared up for our thing.

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Speaker 2: That's especially if it's performance base, especially when it's going

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Speaker 2: to be forever, and especially when it's it feels like

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Speaker 2: a judgment on us, and yeah, and then we have

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Speaker 2: our own high expectations. There is a level, especially when

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Speaker 2: it comes to anxiety and mental health, that things like

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Speaker 2: this trigger so much, and different people do different things.

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Speaker 3: I give up and you ramp up.

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Speaker 2: So those are two different different actions. I literally this

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Speaker 2: is why I'm like, I'm sleepy. I'm asleep forever. My

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Speaker 2: new bedtime is now ten thirty and I love it.

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Speaker 2: And I never go out anymore to the fact that

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Speaker 2: everybody's like, oh, you're out or I pull a Samantha,

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Speaker 2: and I'm.

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Speaker 3: Like, what is that?

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Speaker 1: What is that?

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Speaker 3: But the truth of.

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Speaker 2: The matter is like this really does pull something we

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Speaker 2: talked about when we went to an event for the

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Speaker 2: first time for the both of us, we were panicked

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Speaker 2: and it caused us to have a mental lapse for

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Speaker 2: a good couple of months and so much self doubt.

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Speaker 2: There's nothing wrong, and if anybody outside of ourselves who

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Speaker 2: felt very uh, it felt like we were commiserating, so

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Speaker 2: we was so understandable for the two of us, But

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Speaker 2: I think anybody outside of that would have been like

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Speaker 2: what y'all.

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Speaker 3: Didn't do anything. What are you talking about?

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Speaker 2: You just came out like the reality is what we

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Speaker 2: see from our anxiety, from our depression, from our performance anxieties.

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Speaker 2: It's so much bigger than it actually is, and it

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Speaker 2: causes us to crash in a different manner. And when

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Speaker 2: we did hear that because we went back, we have

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Speaker 2: to go back for pickups. Y aam, that's a whole

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Speaker 2: different thing. Hugh and I both said, Wow, we sounded

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Speaker 2: much better than we are and to the point that

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Speaker 2: I'm like, they did a lot of work, so kind

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Speaker 2: of engineering happened all in that for make us to

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Speaker 2: sound that much better because I could not recognize my

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Speaker 2: own voice, which we listened to ourselves a.

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Speaker 3: Lot because we have to.

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Speaker 2: And I hate it, but so like, it's nothing to

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Speaker 2: do with what actually has come out of the product.

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Speaker 2: It is everything to do with what's internalized. And yeah,

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Speaker 2: sometimes stuff like that for you and myself, but it's

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Speaker 2: like for you more so was so much more personal.

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Speaker 2: So add that caveat to it and I'm pretended like

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Speaker 2: it doesn't exist. It makes it bigger.

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Speaker 3: It does.

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Speaker 2: It's the anxiety. The overwhelming anxiety is so trivial of

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Speaker 2: a word for what it really feels like.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think that's one of the things I've

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Speaker 1: had to unpack with myself, because, as we've mentioned, we

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Speaker 1: kind of split up the chapters and I did the

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Speaker 1: one on disability, and at the end of every chapter,

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Speaker 1: most every chapter, not all of them, but at the

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Speaker 1: end of there's a journal entry, and I was talking

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Speaker 1: about kind of my own internalized ableism and this idea

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Speaker 1: of it's stronger if you can ignore all these things,

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Speaker 1: if you can handle the pain or whatever it is.

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Speaker 1: And through this I have been as mentioned in a

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Speaker 1: previous episode recent recent previous episode, I have been trying

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Speaker 1: to work on boundaries, but it's also become like I

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Speaker 1: get so I get so torn between. I want to

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Speaker 1: continue as I was continuing, which wasn't healthy, but I

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Speaker 1: want to do it, but then it's also not healthy

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Speaker 1: that I can't. I feel like I can't say why

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Speaker 1: I can't continue, and then I just crash and I

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Speaker 1: feel guilty and I feel terrible. And that chapter has

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Speaker 1: given me a lot because we wrote it a while back,

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Speaker 1: and so I've already been I've reread it and we

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Speaker 1: did the audio book, and I'm like, I wish I'd

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Speaker 1: done it this way, or I wish I had said

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Speaker 1: it this way, or I wish I'd done this. And

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of conversation, as with any anything we

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Speaker 1: talk about about issues in the correct terminology. So I'm

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Speaker 1: trying not to panic too much about that, but it

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Speaker 1: just feels like a lot. It feels like a lot

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Speaker 1: of responsibility. I guess I have been trying to not

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Speaker 1: feel guilt or I've been trying to work on that

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Speaker 1: internalized ableism, I guess. So one of the big things

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Speaker 1: is I've we did an episode on it, I do

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Speaker 1: not hear well out of my right ear, and a

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Speaker 1: lot of the things I'm talking about too. I feel

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Speaker 1: like Eaves came on and did an episode about invisible disability.

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Speaker 1: We recently had to fill out this thing for work

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Speaker 1: where it was just kind of asking you to report

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Speaker 1: do you have a disability? And it had quite a

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Speaker 1: quite a list, and I struggled with I was like,

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Speaker 1: what if this could be used against me? Like I

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Speaker 1: really thought about it for a long time, even though

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Speaker 1: I had like several that I was like, yes, yes,

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Speaker 1: yes it is. And that's the thing is I'm kind

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Speaker 1: of struggling with it feels so much lesser. I guess

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Speaker 1: it feels like and that's part of the hallmark of

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Speaker 1: internalized ableism is that you feel like you're exaggerating, you

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Speaker 1: feel like it's not that bad, you feel like you

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Speaker 1: have to prove it, or you owe somebody some story

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Speaker 1: about it, or that you yeah, you can't ask for help,

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Speaker 1: or that you're feeling or that you're less then feeling

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Speaker 1: like you have to get by, and that getting by

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Speaker 1: is a good thing. So it's I still struggle with it.

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Speaker 1: I think I sat and stared at it for almost

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Speaker 1: an hour and was like.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think my own was like I didn't realize

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Speaker 2: it could be ability, and I was like, oh, I guess,

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Speaker 2: I guess I do have a few things like that

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Speaker 2: was more than been like I don't want to admit it.

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Speaker 2: I was just like, oh, I didn't even think about

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Speaker 2: it as because we were taught that this, since it

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Speaker 2: is invisible, since it's not as uh, could be seen

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Speaker 2: as crippling or whatever that it's not.

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Speaker 3: So I'm like, oh, oh guess.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, technically these are a couple of things that

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Speaker 2: I do struggle with and I have been diagnosed with.

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Speaker 2: So I guess that's the thing I need to put

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Speaker 2: down because initially I wouldn't. I do like not to

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Speaker 2: tell too much of your uh huh medical history, but

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Speaker 2: still like when we were doing the COVID boosters and

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Speaker 2: you're like, oh, I have to wait, and I had

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Speaker 2: to be like, boo, you have a big condition that

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Speaker 2: qualified you a long time ago.

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Speaker 3: What are you doing? And you were like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 3: I kind of forgot, and I was like, you could die.

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Speaker 2: I think I yelled at you for a good minute

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Speaker 2: because I was like, this is big and this has

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Speaker 2: everything to do with COVID if you get the serious case,

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Speaker 2: the initial cases, I was shutting people down because they

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Speaker 2: could not breathe.

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Speaker 3: What are you doing?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? And it was when you said that I remember thinking,

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Speaker 1: And this is part of I think that internalizableism is

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Speaker 1: that I just I forgot. I forgot. I'd just gotten

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Speaker 1: so used to living with it. I just got so

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Speaker 1: used to living with it. I don't think about it anymore.

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Speaker 1: And that's also something I think about a lot, because

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Speaker 1: I also have migraines, which count, and when you get

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Speaker 1: a migraine, it is such a reality check of what

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Speaker 1: it's like to live without pain. You take it for granted,

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Speaker 1: and then you get the migraine and you're like, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, but you get used to it. Like if

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Speaker 1: it's something you have to deal with, I don't know

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Speaker 1: if get used to it is the correct way to

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Speaker 1: say it. But for my in my case where it

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Speaker 1: wasn't like it was causing me pain, right, but it

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Speaker 1: was just I lived with it.

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Speaker 2: But you live with it, this is a part of

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Speaker 2: your life. Like that's I think that's what the mormal

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Speaker 2: we talk about disabled people in the disabled community, when

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Speaker 2: people look at and be like, oh, you're so strong,

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Speaker 2: they're like, that's that's that's also internalizableism in a manner

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Speaker 2: of like we live with it. That's what we do.

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Speaker 2: We function and I don't know why you think we can't.

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Speaker 2: And that's that bigger conversation that I often forget too,

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Speaker 2: because it is that whole survivor porn type of conversation

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Speaker 2: we talk about. We want to hear the SOB stories

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Speaker 2: and we feed off of it because it makes usselves

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Speaker 2: still better to hear other people's strifes and struggles and

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Speaker 2: how they survive or whatever whatnot. That's the pet talk

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Speaker 2: for you, and that's like, that's real able us. That's

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Speaker 2: real bad. That's real bad. It is likeable in every

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Speaker 2: way and that's that whole level. But it's just a

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Speaker 2: part of life and you live and that's the point

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Speaker 2: and they people thrive and that's that's it.

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Speaker 3: That's the end.

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Speaker 2: And it's not so bad that you forgot about it

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Speaker 2: or don't think of it as a disability. It's just

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Speaker 2: literally I exist, it happens.

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Speaker 3: What do you want for say?

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Speaker 1: But it was interesting speaking of that because I do

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Speaker 1: have trouble with my right ear and it's gotten worse

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Speaker 1: and it does impact. It impacts my life regularly, and

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Speaker 1: especially in an audio forum where I literally was too

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Speaker 1: afraid to tell my boss about it because I was

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Speaker 1: afraid they would fire me. They found out, and it's

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Speaker 1: gotten worse, and I thought I had like set up

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Speaker 1: this boundary and I like, I was gonna tell this

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Speaker 1: audio team we were working with, like please place me

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Speaker 1: in this seat. And it didn't work out, mostly because

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Speaker 1: of timing. But it was kind of a letdown because

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Speaker 1: I felt like I was gonna make the stride and

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Speaker 1: I was gonna say it and it was gonna be okay,

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Speaker 1: and then I didn't get to and then I couldn't

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Speaker 1: hear anything, and I didn't just kind of sat there awkwardly.

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Speaker 1: But I will say recently, I have a friend who's

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Speaker 1: also suffering hearing problems, and we're doing a movie Coda,

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Speaker 1: And when I was researching it, Coda is about children

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Speaker 1: of death adults. When I was researching it, I found

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Speaker 1: a forum that was just people hard of hearing. And

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Speaker 1: when I was looking into it, I was just so, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I do that too. It was just like tiny little things.

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Speaker 1: It was tiny, tiny, but I was like, oh, it

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Speaker 1: felt so amazing to be like, oh my gosh, yeah

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Speaker 1: I do that too. Yeah. So I'm hoping I didn't

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Speaker 1: get to like set my boundary or just say what

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Speaker 1: I need honestly say what I need this time. But

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Speaker 1: I'm hoping next time I'll be able to do it,

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Speaker 1: because it is I mean, it's just like a thing

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Speaker 1: like you could just sit me on this side and

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Speaker 1: then I can I can do it. Yeah, it's fair, right.

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Speaker 2: Ear I always forget which ear m because I try

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Speaker 2: to remember, especially when you give me the confused look

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Speaker 2: and I realize what's happening and you won't say it

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Speaker 2: out loud, I'm like, she's confused, oh, but I keep

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Speaker 2: forgetting which ear it is.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, well, it's because my left ear can act up

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Speaker 1: sometimes too. It's because I have I told you I

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Speaker 1: have curfyy ear drums and my doctor tells me that

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Speaker 1: it means a lot of ear wax gets built up.

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Speaker 1: But my writ ears are much more serious.

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Speaker 2: Which yours is wet and mine is dry. And that's

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Speaker 2: the thing I just found out. I'm still shocked by this.

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Speaker 4: Just so you know, the true listeners, we had a

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Speaker 4: whole conversation about this, but it did. I mean, like

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Speaker 4: later that party where everybody was, I felt so awkward.

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Speaker 1: It was because I couldn't hear anybody. So that's that's

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Speaker 1: something I'm working on. But I'm also I really did

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Speaker 1: find a lot of connection and kind of camaraderie research

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Speaker 1: and code it because I was just like, yeah, yep.

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Speaker 1: I have also had a lot of eating troubles lately.

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Speaker 1: Uh I think, I I it's I feel like I've

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Speaker 1: I have these cycles where I'm doing pretty well and

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Speaker 1: then I cycle and I'm not. But I have to

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Speaker 1: set an alarm to eat I don't get hungry, and

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Speaker 1: I just I haven't. I haven't done that. So I'm

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Speaker 1: going to start doing it again. I think.

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Speaker 3: I'll make me bring you back over here to eat

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Speaker 3: all the meat.

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Speaker 1: All the meat. We need to have a meat day.

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Speaker 1: We have had a meat day in a while.

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Speaker 2: There we do Literally you're like, can I please stop eating?

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Speaker 1: That's the issue though, I feel like this is the

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Speaker 1: big thing I'm trying to drive home with what I

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Speaker 1: experience is that I don't connect to my body. I

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Speaker 1: don't I should be able to be like, oh I'm hungry.

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Speaker 1: Doesn't do it, and with like the hearing, it's just

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Speaker 1: so I just don't think about it. And that's part

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Speaker 1: of this internalized ableism as I just have like I'm

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Speaker 1: not gonna bother anybody about it. I'm not gonna do

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Speaker 1: anything about it. That's fine when you can do, like

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Speaker 1: I could be so much healthier or happier, just more comfortable.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but you got it.

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Speaker 2: Also, Like for my point, like I come from a

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Speaker 2: very southern home ye that feeds everyone and everything, and

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Speaker 2: you will take food home with you, damn it. Type

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Speaker 2: of personality. I can't stand it. And my way of

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Speaker 2: showing love is trying to take care of you, and

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Speaker 2: oftentimes the best way I can do that is through food.

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Speaker 3: I have nothing else right, Like for the longest time

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Speaker 3: I could.

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Speaker 2: Before anythings, I'm like, I will feed you, Like even

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Speaker 2: today when we go out to eat or something, I'll

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Speaker 2: pay for people because I'm like, I want to feed you.

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Speaker 3: This is what I do. I love you. I might

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Speaker 3: not say it r and I might not touch you,

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Speaker 3: and I might not respond to your text, but I

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Speaker 3: will feed you.

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Speaker 2: But that's not the great habit either, because in realizing,

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Speaker 2: like forcing people to be uncomfortable like that when you

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Speaker 2: think it's a love thing and it's actually not. It's

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Speaker 2: just a forceful like making myself feel less skilty. I'm

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Speaker 2: always the healthiest either, which is why I said one

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Speaker 2: day we ended up having a whole plan. I also

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Speaker 2: plan things out as if I'm having a feast for

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Speaker 2: thirty thousand people, which was just the three of us,

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Speaker 2: and I'm like, to me, fam my partner is just

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Speaker 2: as bad. But he is, like I got a deal

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Speaker 2: on brisket for like fifty pounds for two dollars, so

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Speaker 2: I'm going to cook it all and we have.

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Speaker 3: To immediately eat it. Right, I guess our pairing is

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Speaker 3: not the best pairing for you specifically.

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Speaker 1: I know. I mean I think it's I think we've

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Speaker 1: all gotten better. I think we've all gotten better. And

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Speaker 1: I get that, like I do that too sometimes, you know,

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Speaker 1: you're just so excited to share something with someone or

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Speaker 1: whatever it is that makes you, that is your love

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Speaker 1: language whatever.

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Speaker 2: I also believe that's part of the reason why for

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Speaker 2: the first while you brought Marissa and Katie around hell y'all,

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Speaker 2: because they appreciate the food facts because they do the

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Speaker 2: same thing. So therefore, like you're like, please give it

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Speaker 2: to them, don't do this to me.

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Speaker 1: No, I do. And that's the thing. It is, like

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Speaker 1: I am such a the jextaposition of I love everything

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Speaker 1: you too, thank you, but also like, yeah, I do

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Speaker 1: get very full, but also I can't waste food. It's

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Speaker 1: like can't stuff. Yeah, it's so it's like also me

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Speaker 1: for sure.

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Speaker 2: It's quite funny, like I'm pretty sure she's trying to

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Speaker 2: pawn us off, so we would stop for meat.

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Speaker 1: At please stick this meat please please? But yeah, I mean,

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Speaker 1: and there there are I will say too. I don't

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Speaker 1: want to go into this today because I haven't really

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Speaker 1: researched it, but I saw to day people were fighting

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Speaker 1: about what counts as a disability and eating disorder was

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Speaker 1: one of them or just disordered eating.

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Speaker 3: I thought it has been. It's been definitely part put

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Speaker 3: in the DSM. Yes, how many is there now?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's six. I think it's six. Yes,

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Speaker 1: it has been, but people were fighting. But I saw

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Speaker 1: it today that it doesn't count. So I think that's

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Speaker 1: a part of the conversation that's ongoing. But I mean

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Speaker 1: the general definition is that like it doesn't impact your life,

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Speaker 1: and I would say disordered eating absolutely.

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Speaker 3: It goes with body dysmorphia for.

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Speaker 1: Sure, exactly. So again I haven't done the research. I

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Speaker 1: just saw this happening playing out, but I personally would

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Speaker 1: say that is a disability. I know, addiction and like

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Speaker 1: any kind of addictive disorders are also counted, and I

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Speaker 1: would say food can fall under that. But yeah, and

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Speaker 1: that's part of the issue that I personally am experiencing

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Speaker 1: because everything that I have that falls under what is

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Speaker 1: on our like work thing that we filled out, what

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Speaker 1: is a disability. It's all invisible and it does feel

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Speaker 1: very like I felt very guilty reporting it. I felt

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Speaker 1: very like I had to explain it. And then yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm like always at war with my own body about it. Like, no,

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Speaker 1: you could. You're stronger than this, which is so toxic.

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Speaker 1: It's such a toxic mindset. But I am working on it.

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Speaker 1: I'm trying, and I know a lot of people are.

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Speaker 1: I think it's news. I don't think you're alone at all. Samantha.

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Speaker 1: When Eaves came on was telling me what's included in

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Speaker 1: the ADA is invisible disabilities or just disabilities in general.

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Speaker 1: I was shocked. I was like, oh my gosh, I

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Speaker 1: didn't know. I didn't know that. So I'm hoping that

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Speaker 1: that conversation will move forward and more people will realize

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Speaker 1: those things that they've just been living with and continue

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Speaker 1: to work through. It doesn't have to be that way.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't ideally, ideally, it doesn't have to be that way.

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Speaker 1: I hate that I have to say it, but it's true.

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Speaker 1: Currently that is true. But yeah, that's just where I am.

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Speaker 1: I do. I was looking back over our book club

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Speaker 1: pick for Disability Pride Month last year, Queen of Geek,

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Speaker 1: and I was enjoying it. So this wasn't like a

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Speaker 1: super uplifting episode. I hope a lot of you could

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Speaker 1: connect to it or well, no, I hope that by

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Speaker 1: sharing this some of you don't feel so alone, and

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Speaker 1: I'll say that, but there's plenty of plenty of really

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Speaker 1: uplifting things happening, and the work people are doing amazing.

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Speaker 1: So we're going to highlight some of that, like in

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Speaker 1: our book club especially, but search it out because I

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Speaker 1: bet unfortunately you haven't heard of a lot of this stuff.

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Speaker 1: Are a lot of these just ways of thinking, So

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Speaker 1: all right, wow, you can find us. You can email

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Speaker 1: us at Stuff Media, mom Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com.

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00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,000
Speaker 1: You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast,

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00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:05,960
Speaker 1: or on Instagram and TikTok at stuff I Never Told You.

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Speaker 1: We have a tea public store and a book yes,

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Speaker 1: as mentioned I mean you can pre order it Stuff

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00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,239
Speaker 1: You should read books dot com. You can also pre

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00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:19,760
Speaker 1: order it on Audible. Thanks as always to our super

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Speaker 1: producer Christina, our executive producer Maya, and our contributor Joey.

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Speaker 1: Thank you and thanks to you for listening Stuff I

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Speaker 1: Never Toldrews, production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from my

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Speaker 1: Heart Radio, you can check out the heart Radio app,

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Speaker 1: Apple podcast or where you listen to your favorite shows.