WEBVTT - Heavyweight Short: A Sobering Thought

0:00:15.210 --> 0:00:23.329
<v Speaker 1>Pushkin. About a year ago, Heavyweight was canceled, and for

0:00:23.410 --> 0:00:26.250
<v Speaker 1>the first time in my adult life, I was without

0:00:26.250 --> 0:00:32.010
<v Speaker 1>a job. Luckily, I had a plan b drinking. Drinking

0:00:32.050 --> 0:00:34.770
<v Speaker 1>has always been my safety net. It makes me feel

0:00:34.810 --> 0:00:38.250
<v Speaker 1>bulletproof in a state of grace. Who needs a job

0:00:38.330 --> 0:00:41.089
<v Speaker 1>when you're in a state of grace? So job or

0:00:41.090 --> 0:00:44.289
<v Speaker 1>no job, Health insurance or no. At the end of

0:00:44.290 --> 0:00:47.650
<v Speaker 1>the day, there was still booze, just like there'd always been,

0:00:48.330 --> 0:00:51.210
<v Speaker 1>which is to say that every night for twenty five

0:00:51.330 --> 0:01:01.450
<v Speaker 1>years I have drank. But after getting laid off, something shifted.

0:01:01.970 --> 0:01:05.449
<v Speaker 1>Along with losing my job, I lost my sense of identity,

0:01:05.810 --> 0:01:10.449
<v Speaker 1>and booze only amplified the feeling night of drinking. I'd

0:01:10.450 --> 0:01:13.210
<v Speaker 1>wake up at three am in a panic, not knowing

0:01:13.250 --> 0:01:16.929
<v Speaker 1>who or what or why I was. I'd always turned

0:01:16.930 --> 0:01:20.850
<v Speaker 1>to alcohol for solace, but now I found myself too

0:01:20.890 --> 0:01:30.170
<v Speaker 1>scared to drink. Over the course of Heavyweights eight seasons,

0:01:30.370 --> 0:01:34.610
<v Speaker 1>I've acted as an interlocutor between friends, family, and strangers.

0:01:35.090 --> 0:01:38.530
<v Speaker 1>Now I needed to interlock you between me and me,

0:01:39.370 --> 0:01:42.250
<v Speaker 1>the me that wanted to keep drinking and the me

0:01:42.690 --> 0:01:46.250
<v Speaker 1>that didn't. So I started a journal to reflect on

0:01:46.330 --> 0:01:49.930
<v Speaker 1>my relationship to drinking. How it all began, how much

0:01:49.970 --> 0:01:52.810
<v Speaker 1>I have loved it, and whether it was time to stop.

0:01:53.770 --> 0:02:00.050
<v Speaker 1>These are exerts. Day six without a drink, New Year's Eve,

0:02:01.050 --> 0:02:04.450
<v Speaker 1>our new neighbors stop by, the wife sells pet supplies,

0:02:04.530 --> 0:02:07.410
<v Speaker 1>and the husband does something with money. Even though I

0:02:07.490 --> 0:02:10.650
<v Speaker 1>interview people for a living, after ten minutes, I run

0:02:10.690 --> 0:02:13.730
<v Speaker 1>out of new things to ask. Since I'm not drinking,

0:02:13.970 --> 0:02:16.809
<v Speaker 1>I don't know what to do. Emily has put out

0:02:16.810 --> 0:02:21.370
<v Speaker 1>frozen pepperoni pizza, so I eat slice after slice. Rum

0:02:21.490 --> 0:02:24.450
<v Speaker 1>Das says that at a certain point he cared less

0:02:24.450 --> 0:02:28.370
<v Speaker 1>about getting high and more about getting free. The pepperoni

0:02:28.370 --> 0:02:39.130
<v Speaker 1>pizza gets me neither high nor free. Week three without

0:02:39.130 --> 0:02:42.650
<v Speaker 1>a drink. I remember when my friend Paul quit drinking.

0:02:42.850 --> 0:02:45.650
<v Speaker 1>It was because he found himself thinking about drinking all

0:02:45.730 --> 0:02:49.610
<v Speaker 1>day and looking forward to it too much. That's called

0:02:49.650 --> 0:02:53.970
<v Speaker 1>being an adult, I had said, dismissively. Children have their

0:02:54.010 --> 0:03:00.530
<v Speaker 1>sense of wonder, adults have booze. Week five. I don't

0:03:00.570 --> 0:03:03.610
<v Speaker 1>think I drink the way other people do. I prefer

0:03:03.690 --> 0:03:07.209
<v Speaker 1>to drink and the spaces in between on subway rides,

0:03:07.370 --> 0:03:11.889
<v Speaker 1>while taking long walks in darkened movie theaters. And although

0:03:11.890 --> 0:03:15.650
<v Speaker 1>I'll drink with others. My preference is to drink alone.

0:03:15.730 --> 0:03:19.650
<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure what constitutes alcoholism, so I've lately been googling.

0:03:20.130 --> 0:03:24.889
<v Speaker 1>Is drinking alone alcoholism? Or does drinking every night make

0:03:24.930 --> 0:03:29.010
<v Speaker 1>you an alcoholic? Even using the word alcoholic makes me

0:03:29.050 --> 0:03:32.610
<v Speaker 1>feel disloyal, like I'm bad mouthing a friend behind their back.

0:03:33.650 --> 0:03:36.250
<v Speaker 1>Maybe if you think of alcohol as a friend, you've

0:03:36.250 --> 0:03:39.610
<v Speaker 1>got a problem. Maybe if you're asking Google, if you've

0:03:39.610 --> 0:03:45.650
<v Speaker 1>got a problem, you've got a problem. Week eight. It

0:03:45.730 --> 0:03:48.250
<v Speaker 1>might have all begun at the age of four, with

0:03:48.330 --> 0:03:51.850
<v Speaker 1>the joy of spinning around and around until the living

0:03:51.890 --> 0:03:57.050
<v Speaker 1>room ceiling became the floor, the chandelier a stalagmite. Life

0:03:57.090 --> 0:04:01.170
<v Speaker 1>felt easier upside down. Or maybe it began at five,

0:04:01.730 --> 0:04:04.090
<v Speaker 1>breathing in and out as fast as I could to

0:04:04.130 --> 0:04:08.090
<v Speaker 1>make myself lightheaded. Before there was beer and whiskey, there

0:04:08.090 --> 0:04:12.250
<v Speaker 1>were quick in talk xicating breaths. My drinking began in

0:04:12.330 --> 0:04:15.690
<v Speaker 1>earnest during my teen years. I drank to be less shy,

0:04:16.130 --> 0:04:19.490
<v Speaker 1>to make myself more comfortable, and as I grew older,

0:04:19.890 --> 0:04:23.810
<v Speaker 1>I drank because it was what I did. My identity

0:04:23.810 --> 0:04:27.409
<v Speaker 1>became so fused to whisky that at my fortieth birthday party,

0:04:27.770 --> 0:04:30.129
<v Speaker 1>every one of my friends and family gifted me with

0:04:30.210 --> 0:04:33.169
<v Speaker 1>a bottle of bourbon or Scotch. At the end of

0:04:33.169 --> 0:04:37.489
<v Speaker 1>the night, I counted fourteen bottles. My friend Steve says

0:04:37.570 --> 0:04:41.290
<v Speaker 1>that plain and simple human beings need to get fucked up.

0:04:43.289 --> 0:04:46.330
<v Speaker 1>Week eleven, I'm on a flight to New York, and

0:04:46.409 --> 0:04:49.049
<v Speaker 1>for the first time in twenty five years, I haven't

0:04:49.049 --> 0:04:52.249
<v Speaker 1>packed small bottles of whiskey for each of my front pockets.

0:04:52.969 --> 0:04:55.330
<v Speaker 1>I'm not a good flyer, and I keep the bottles

0:04:55.330 --> 0:04:57.730
<v Speaker 1>with me in case the flight gets rough and I

0:04:57.770 --> 0:05:01.049
<v Speaker 1>can't get booze from the flight attendant quick enough. But

0:05:01.089 --> 0:05:05.129
<v Speaker 1>in all honesty, sometimes turbulence was a relief because it

0:05:05.169 --> 0:05:08.250
<v Speaker 1>was permission to crack open a pocket whisky before noon.

0:05:10.929 --> 0:05:12.849
<v Speaker 1>When you're in town. That's where we meet is at

0:05:12.929 --> 0:05:16.169
<v Speaker 1>a bar that'll be our first up in New York.

0:05:16.330 --> 0:05:19.049
<v Speaker 1>I visit my friend Sean. Sean is one of my

0:05:19.089 --> 0:05:22.810
<v Speaker 1>favorite people to drink with. For him, it's simple. If

0:05:22.849 --> 0:05:26.290
<v Speaker 1>you drink, you're a drinker, and a drinker drinks. Can

0:05:26.330 --> 0:05:29.130
<v Speaker 1>you describe what it is about the feeling of drinking

0:05:29.289 --> 0:05:34.489
<v Speaker 1>that you like? Getting a hug from the inside. Sean

0:05:34.570 --> 0:05:37.010
<v Speaker 1>and I can talk and drink laid into the night.

0:05:37.810 --> 0:05:40.210
<v Speaker 1>The drink and the talk run parallel to each other

0:05:40.409 --> 0:05:44.170
<v Speaker 1>and make a good combination, but sometimes the drink will

0:05:44.210 --> 0:05:45.169
<v Speaker 1>overtake the talk.

0:05:45.650 --> 0:05:47.489
<v Speaker 2>I don't black out as much as I used to it.

0:05:47.810 --> 0:05:49.969
<v Speaker 2>Everybody's gonna think I'm like a raging alcoholic, but like

0:05:50.489 --> 0:05:51.969
<v Speaker 2>and we'd be at the bar and I'd have like

0:05:52.010 --> 0:05:53.770
<v Speaker 2>one and another and another, and at a certain point

0:05:53.890 --> 0:05:58.250
<v Speaker 2>during the evening it got to the point where I

0:05:58.529 --> 0:06:04.010
<v Speaker 2>was I would be having a conversation with somebody and

0:06:04.089 --> 0:06:09.810
<v Speaker 2>looking at their face and going to myself, Oh, this

0:06:09.849 --> 0:06:11.689
<v Speaker 2>is the conversation that I'm not going to remember.

0:06:12.450 --> 0:06:17.810
<v Speaker 1>And I was always right. As a drinker, you exchange

0:06:17.849 --> 0:06:26.410
<v Speaker 1>memory for intensity. I ask Sean if my sobriety might

0:06:26.409 --> 0:06:27.409
<v Speaker 1>threaten our friendship.

0:06:28.049 --> 0:06:33.890
<v Speaker 2>Oh oh, I don't know. I don't think so, but

0:06:35.489 --> 0:06:37.330
<v Speaker 2>I feel like you and I like it too much.

0:06:37.369 --> 0:06:39.650
<v Speaker 2>I think you and I are cut from a certain

0:06:39.810 --> 0:06:43.450
<v Speaker 2>cloth where we're just.

0:06:45.890 --> 0:06:50.529
<v Speaker 1>Drinkers. So what do you call a drinker who doesn't drink?

0:06:57.330 --> 0:07:02.169
<v Speaker 1>Week twenty one? Without drinking, everything isn't as weighted towards

0:07:02.169 --> 0:07:05.849
<v Speaker 1>the night when the first drink is drunk. As a result,

0:07:05.929 --> 0:07:09.650
<v Speaker 1>there's more evenness. The points of intensity are scattered throughout

0:07:09.650 --> 0:07:13.210
<v Speaker 1>the day, a run in the morning, aggie walking through

0:07:13.250 --> 0:07:16.770
<v Speaker 1>the door after school, the taste of dessert after dinner.

0:07:18.369 --> 0:07:22.650
<v Speaker 1>Week twenty four. It's after several months without a drink

0:07:22.810 --> 0:07:25.810
<v Speaker 1>when I begin to bargain with myself. Maybe I can

0:07:25.890 --> 0:07:28.210
<v Speaker 1>enjoy a glass of wine with dinner once in a while.

0:07:28.810 --> 0:07:32.330
<v Speaker 1>After all, it's been five months. Have I not demonstrated

0:07:32.369 --> 0:07:36.890
<v Speaker 1>self mastery? The problem is, as the saying goes, that

0:07:36.890 --> 0:07:39.130
<v Speaker 1>that first drink makes you feel like a new person,

0:07:39.610 --> 0:07:42.530
<v Speaker 1>and that a new person needs a drink, and so

0:07:42.610 --> 0:07:46.930
<v Speaker 1>on and so on. But somehow moderation always feels within

0:07:47.010 --> 0:07:50.730
<v Speaker 1>my grasp? Is this for me? What passes for hope?

0:07:51.410 --> 0:07:53.410
<v Speaker 3>The first times I got drunk, it was like, where

0:07:53.410 --> 0:07:55.050
<v Speaker 3>has this been my whole life? Like this is what

0:07:55.090 --> 0:07:56.770
<v Speaker 3>everything should feel like all the time.

0:07:57.170 --> 0:08:00.330
<v Speaker 1>My friend Tony went into rehab for heroin addiction in

0:08:00.330 --> 0:08:03.530
<v Speaker 1>his mid twenties, it meant having to give up all drugs,

0:08:03.730 --> 0:08:08.410
<v Speaker 1>including alcohol. But recently, after twenty five years of sobriety,

0:08:08.810 --> 0:08:12.050
<v Speaker 1>Tony started drinking again. Just a drink here and there

0:08:12.850 --> 0:08:14.129
<v Speaker 1>is such a thing possible.

0:08:14.929 --> 0:08:17.610
<v Speaker 3>I had just gotten out of a meditation retreat, actually,

0:08:18.810 --> 0:08:21.530
<v Speaker 3>and I was sitting around on a Friday evening with

0:08:22.410 --> 0:08:24.650
<v Speaker 3>a bunch of people at the retreat center, including the

0:08:24.970 --> 0:08:30.730
<v Speaker 3>meditation teachers, and somebody offered me a shot, a very

0:08:30.810 --> 0:08:36.170
<v Speaker 3>expensive scotch, but I said no. At first, I don't drink.

0:08:37.130 --> 0:08:39.570
<v Speaker 3>And then as I was sitting there watching other people's

0:08:39.570 --> 0:08:42.850
<v Speaker 3>shot glasses get filled and thinking about how I identified.

0:08:43.290 --> 0:08:48.570
<v Speaker 3>After twenty five years, I still identified as a recovering addict,

0:08:48.610 --> 0:08:53.170
<v Speaker 3>recovering alcoholic ex addict X or just plain old addict alcoholic.

0:08:53.650 --> 0:08:56.930
<v Speaker 3>I still identified with that, and I thought, well, I'm

0:08:57.130 --> 0:08:59.890
<v Speaker 3>am I still that? Like what It was a question

0:08:59.970 --> 0:09:03.450
<v Speaker 3>that came up kind of naturally. It was like, why

0:09:03.490 --> 0:09:05.929
<v Speaker 3>am I saying no? Is it because I really am

0:09:05.970 --> 0:09:09.690
<v Speaker 3>afraid that something bad's gonna happen? Or am I just

0:09:09.770 --> 0:09:11.570
<v Speaker 3>identified with it? And it's part of kind of like

0:09:11.610 --> 0:09:14.570
<v Speaker 3>an ego structure where it's kind of like a notch

0:09:14.570 --> 0:09:16.570
<v Speaker 3>in my belt and a pride thing. You know, I've

0:09:16.570 --> 0:09:20.290
<v Speaker 3>been cleaned for this long. So I kind of had

0:09:20.330 --> 0:09:25.650
<v Speaker 3>a shot and it was no big deal, and I

0:09:25.650 --> 0:09:28.250
<v Speaker 3>thought I could do this once in a while, and

0:09:28.450 --> 0:09:30.850
<v Speaker 3>I kind of gave myself permission to keep doing that.

0:09:31.010 --> 0:09:32.650
<v Speaker 1>And how long now have you been doing that?

0:09:34.650 --> 0:09:36.890
<v Speaker 3>Oh? God, it's been about three and a half years.

0:09:37.410 --> 0:09:41.170
<v Speaker 1>Do you find, you know, drinking in front of friends

0:09:41.170 --> 0:09:45.850
<v Speaker 1>and family that their shows of concern harsher buzz in

0:09:45.890 --> 0:09:46.210
<v Speaker 1>a way?

0:09:47.690 --> 0:09:51.410
<v Speaker 3>No, not really, nobody's actually. I mean a couple of

0:09:51.450 --> 0:09:54.130
<v Speaker 3>people have asked, a few people have said, oh, oh,

0:09:54.130 --> 0:09:58.490
<v Speaker 3>you're drinking now, and most people are like, oh good, huh.

0:09:58.570 --> 0:09:58.890
<v Speaker 4>Yeah.

0:09:59.050 --> 0:10:00.490
<v Speaker 3>I think most people have felt like I took it

0:10:00.530 --> 0:10:03.290
<v Speaker 3>a bit too far. I think you're the only one

0:10:03.330 --> 0:10:04.610
<v Speaker 3>who's actually expressed concern.

0:10:11.210 --> 0:10:15.170
<v Speaker 1>Am I overthinking Tony's situation? Am I overthinking my own?

0:10:16.050 --> 0:10:21.850
<v Speaker 1>To that question, my father would probably say absolutely. Is

0:10:21.850 --> 0:10:24.290
<v Speaker 1>there Do you think there's any benefit to not drinking?

0:10:24.770 --> 0:10:26.090
<v Speaker 5>Nope?

0:10:26.650 --> 0:10:43.330
<v Speaker 1>After the break the man who raised me Week twenty eight,

0:10:44.490 --> 0:10:47.330
<v Speaker 1>I suggest to my therapist that maybe I've quit drinking

0:10:47.410 --> 0:10:50.370
<v Speaker 1>out of a kind of masochism and an ability to

0:10:50.410 --> 0:10:53.570
<v Speaker 1>just allow myself pleasure. I have friends who have quit

0:10:53.650 --> 0:10:56.890
<v Speaker 1>and feel better. They have more energy, their skin looks better.

0:10:57.450 --> 0:11:01.530
<v Speaker 1>I experience none of that. My therapist says, I drink

0:11:01.570 --> 0:11:04.890
<v Speaker 1>to avoid my feelings, which might be true, but I

0:11:04.930 --> 0:11:07.810
<v Speaker 1>also think it's helped me to embrace my feelings, to

0:11:07.890 --> 0:11:11.530
<v Speaker 1>love more freely. For one thing, drinking has helped me

0:11:11.610 --> 0:11:14.530
<v Speaker 1>bond with my father. When I go home to visit,

0:11:14.810 --> 0:11:17.730
<v Speaker 1>he leads me down to the basement, where in the

0:11:17.730 --> 0:11:21.370
<v Speaker 1>storage space under the stairs, alongside his high school diploma

0:11:21.530 --> 0:11:24.690
<v Speaker 1>and tax forms from the past thirty years, he keeps

0:11:24.730 --> 0:11:29.090
<v Speaker 1>a plastic jug of vodka. You go first, he whispers.

0:11:29.810 --> 0:11:32.210
<v Speaker 1>He whispers because he and my mother play a game

0:11:32.570 --> 0:11:35.210
<v Speaker 1>in which he pretends to hide his drinking and she

0:11:35.370 --> 0:11:38.810
<v Speaker 1>pretends not to know that he is hiding it. Since

0:11:38.850 --> 0:11:42.130
<v Speaker 1>stopping drinking, every time I see my dad, I remind

0:11:42.170 --> 0:11:45.450
<v Speaker 1>him that I've stopped drinking, but all the same, every

0:11:45.530 --> 0:11:47.730
<v Speaker 1>time he offers me a drink.

0:11:48.290 --> 0:11:49.890
<v Speaker 5>I'm beer. You don't drink beer at all?

0:11:50.330 --> 0:11:53.090
<v Speaker 1>No, no, no, I've found mind shift. I'm not drinking.

0:11:53.130 --> 0:12:00.130
<v Speaker 1>Then beer is drinking. Okay, it's still an alcoholic beverage,

0:12:00.290 --> 0:12:09.250
<v Speaker 1>right right right. My father is now ninety years old.

0:12:09.330 --> 0:12:12.370
<v Speaker 1>Would you say that overall drinking has had a positive

0:12:12.370 --> 0:12:13.930
<v Speaker 1>effect on your life or negative?

0:12:15.570 --> 0:12:18.650
<v Speaker 5>I'd say, for me positive because you know, sometimes you

0:12:18.650 --> 0:12:20.730
<v Speaker 5>get life gets a little boring. You got something a

0:12:20.730 --> 0:12:23.930
<v Speaker 5>little to look forward to. I have my what you

0:12:23.930 --> 0:12:27.450
<v Speaker 5>call my cocktail hour. Yeah, at night, when i know

0:12:27.490 --> 0:12:29.770
<v Speaker 5>I'm not going anywhere, I have a couple of shots.

0:12:29.850 --> 0:12:32.970
<v Speaker 1>Yes, and your shots, I mean I've seen your shots

0:12:33.010 --> 0:12:38.970
<v Speaker 1>are they're they're very generous, like a half a glass.

0:12:38.330 --> 0:12:41.570
<v Speaker 5>It's pretty far up above the bottom.

0:12:41.930 --> 0:12:44.050
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's one way of putting it, I guess.

0:12:44.210 --> 0:12:47.650
<v Speaker 5>And I never get drunk, never, never, never get drunk.

0:12:47.970 --> 0:12:49.690
<v Speaker 1>Well, what do you what do you call getting drunk?

0:12:51.610 --> 0:12:54.290
<v Speaker 5>Drunk is when the room shots spinning, and your you

0:12:54.610 --> 0:12:58.930
<v Speaker 5>feel like I want to throw up and you start whirling.

0:12:58.530 --> 0:13:01.890
<v Speaker 1>Around, right, But I mean that's getting that's getting sick already,

0:13:02.130 --> 0:13:02.809
<v Speaker 1>that's getting ill.

0:13:02.930 --> 0:13:05.610
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, but no, I never get drunk where I'm stupid

0:13:05.810 --> 0:13:09.130
<v Speaker 5>and I'm insulting or I'm this or that. No.

0:13:10.370 --> 0:13:12.610
<v Speaker 1>The first time I ever got drunk was with my father.

0:13:13.210 --> 0:13:15.930
<v Speaker 1>I was fourteen and we'd been invited to a rabbi's

0:13:15.930 --> 0:13:19.490
<v Speaker 1>house for Sukkot. I sat beside an Israeli man in

0:13:19.530 --> 0:13:22.970
<v Speaker 1>a paper yamulka who filled and refilled my plastic cup

0:13:23.050 --> 0:13:27.050
<v Speaker 1>with vodka. We talked about deep things like God and creation.

0:13:27.850 --> 0:13:30.410
<v Speaker 1>It felt like this kind of talk was fueled on vodka.

0:13:30.770 --> 0:13:33.610
<v Speaker 1>That vodka allowed a person to see that the world

0:13:33.730 --> 0:13:37.410
<v Speaker 1>was really all spirit. The rabbi explained how we were

0:13:37.410 --> 0:13:40.130
<v Speaker 1>on the edge of the Messianic age and that at

0:13:40.170 --> 0:13:45.490
<v Speaker 1>any time now the Messiah or Mashiah would appear. Slowly

0:13:45.690 --> 0:13:48.610
<v Speaker 1>and with some effort. My father rose from his chair

0:13:48.810 --> 0:13:52.170
<v Speaker 1>and quieted down the room. I remember it took a while,

0:13:52.490 --> 0:13:55.530
<v Speaker 1>but my father was insistent. It was then that he

0:13:55.570 --> 0:13:59.410
<v Speaker 1>pointed to the rabbi and made his great declaration. Oh

0:14:00.730 --> 0:14:04.050
<v Speaker 1>that's right, you announced. He announced the rabbi as the Messiah.

0:14:04.130 --> 0:14:11.890
<v Speaker 5>That. Yeah, I was. I was drunk. I mean that

0:14:12.010 --> 0:14:13.010
<v Speaker 5>was that was too much?

0:14:13.090 --> 0:14:16.810
<v Speaker 1>Do you remember the response that it got kind of stupid,

0:14:18.530 --> 0:14:21.490
<v Speaker 1>just silent. Everyone was stunned.

0:14:21.770 --> 0:14:23.050
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, it was kind of stupid.

0:14:24.570 --> 0:14:26.810
<v Speaker 1>The next morning, I awoke in our basement, on the

0:14:26.850 --> 0:14:30.570
<v Speaker 1>floor and still dressed from the night before. My head hurt,

0:14:30.850 --> 0:14:33.690
<v Speaker 1>but it felt adult a fair price to pay for

0:14:33.730 --> 0:14:42.890
<v Speaker 1>the evening. Just as I drank with my father, My

0:14:43.010 --> 0:14:45.930
<v Speaker 1>father drank with his father. Did he drink much?

0:14:47.050 --> 0:14:50.050
<v Speaker 5>Oh yeah, I'm sure he did. When I got older,

0:14:50.050 --> 0:14:53.730
<v Speaker 5>I started joining. Um huh, kind of dreaded, you know.

0:14:54.330 --> 0:14:56.730
<v Speaker 5>But he would get really stupid, and then he would

0:14:56.810 --> 0:14:59.730
<v Speaker 5>throw up, and he gets sloppy. It was, you know, nisty.

0:14:59.850 --> 0:15:04.130
<v Speaker 1>No, did he ever get violent when he was drinking.

0:15:04.050 --> 0:15:06.330
<v Speaker 5>Not while he was drunk. No, No, he was only

0:15:06.370 --> 0:15:09.970
<v Speaker 5>got violent when he was sober. Yeah, yeah, he was

0:15:10.050 --> 0:15:11.450
<v Speaker 5>good nature when he was drunk.

0:15:13.890 --> 0:15:17.930
<v Speaker 1>Week forty four. In the early days just after Oggie

0:15:18.010 --> 0:15:21.290
<v Speaker 1>was born, I'd sit in our tiny Brooklyn kitchen sipping

0:15:21.290 --> 0:15:25.130
<v Speaker 1>bourbon until all hours of the night. All day was

0:15:25.170 --> 0:15:29.050
<v Speaker 1>spent with worries was our baby peeing enough, eating enough?

0:15:29.810 --> 0:15:33.650
<v Speaker 1>But at night I drank. It evened me out and

0:15:33.730 --> 0:15:36.890
<v Speaker 1>allowed for a feeling of bliss, perhaps the only bliss

0:15:36.930 --> 0:15:40.770
<v Speaker 1>I've ever known. While other forms of joy were complicated

0:15:40.770 --> 0:15:44.410
<v Speaker 1>by guilt or intrusive thoughts, drinking alone in that kitchen

0:15:44.610 --> 0:15:48.290
<v Speaker 1>was always simple. There was a liquor store across the street,

0:15:48.770 --> 0:15:51.450
<v Speaker 1>and seeing it through the window, luminous in the night,

0:15:51.850 --> 0:15:55.170
<v Speaker 1>stalked with all those bottles representing the nights of drinking

0:15:55.250 --> 0:15:58.090
<v Speaker 1>that lay ahead, made me feel like everything was going

0:15:58.090 --> 0:16:01.450
<v Speaker 1>to be all right. Night after night in that small

0:16:01.490 --> 0:16:04.970
<v Speaker 1>Brooklyn kitchen, I drank and watched YouTube videos of old

0:16:05.050 --> 0:16:08.570
<v Speaker 1>Jerry Lewis appearances on talk shows, and kissed the top

0:16:08.610 --> 0:16:12.090
<v Speaker 1>of our baby head. Each night was like biting into

0:16:12.090 --> 0:16:15.330
<v Speaker 1>the first square of a mile long Hershey's chocolate bar.

0:16:16.690 --> 0:16:19.330
<v Speaker 1>But as blissful as that time was, when I think

0:16:19.370 --> 0:16:22.730
<v Speaker 1>back on it, I'm unable to recall very much. It's

0:16:22.770 --> 0:16:30.570
<v Speaker 1>all a vague talgone bath. That is the exchange I made.

0:16:30.690 --> 0:16:33.490
<v Speaker 1>What did you have for breakfast? Week fifty two?

0:16:34.290 --> 0:16:39.890
<v Speaker 4>Yogurt with gia seeds and pumpkin seeds and apple sauce.

0:16:40.490 --> 0:16:42.850
<v Speaker 1>You know what I find fun about gia seeds is

0:16:42.970 --> 0:16:45.410
<v Speaker 1>like finding them in your teeth an hour after you

0:16:45.610 --> 0:16:48.090
<v Speaker 1>ate and enjoying them.

0:16:48.290 --> 0:16:51.570
<v Speaker 4>If you really like every want to kiss me ever again,

0:16:51.850 --> 0:16:54.770
<v Speaker 4>I would suggest stopping this conversation right now.

0:16:55.570 --> 0:16:57.650
<v Speaker 1>My wife, Emily and I are about to walk to

0:16:57.650 --> 0:17:00.410
<v Speaker 1>Aggie school to pick him up. Aggie's now in the

0:17:00.450 --> 0:17:03.690
<v Speaker 1>second grade. Before we set out, I asked Emily if

0:17:03.730 --> 0:17:07.369
<v Speaker 1>we could talk for a minute. It's now been over

0:17:07.410 --> 0:17:10.690
<v Speaker 1>a year that I have stopped drinking. Did you ever

0:17:10.730 --> 0:17:12.650
<v Speaker 1>think i'd I get here?

0:17:13.810 --> 0:17:19.210
<v Speaker 4>I'm sure there was specific incidents where I expected you

0:17:19.689 --> 0:17:23.330
<v Speaker 4>to relapse. If we're going to call it that, I'm

0:17:23.369 --> 0:17:26.889
<v Speaker 4>not gonna lie. I've missed it every once in a while.

0:17:28.129 --> 0:17:29.569
<v Speaker 1>You knows missed my drinking.

0:17:30.209 --> 0:17:34.889
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, you weren't a stumbling drunk, You weren't a mean drunk.

0:17:34.929 --> 0:17:37.649
<v Speaker 4>You weren't really a drunk. And I think that that

0:17:37.889 --> 0:17:42.250
<v Speaker 4>was confusing to me in some ways because you drank

0:17:42.409 --> 0:17:46.369
<v Speaker 4>every night, I mean kind of a lot. I can

0:17:46.449 --> 0:17:50.690
<v Speaker 4>only remember a handful or fewer fewer than a handful

0:17:50.730 --> 0:17:53.689
<v Speaker 4>of times where I ever looked at you and thought

0:17:53.730 --> 0:17:58.169
<v Speaker 4>to myself, oh, he's drunk. There was one night, do

0:17:58.209 --> 0:17:59.169
<v Speaker 4>you know what I'm going to say?

0:17:59.530 --> 0:18:01.170
<v Speaker 1>Was this the oceans night?

0:18:01.850 --> 0:18:02.209
<v Speaker 4>Yes?

0:18:02.649 --> 0:18:04.490
<v Speaker 1>Wait, I was roofed that night.

0:18:05.290 --> 0:18:08.889
<v Speaker 4>You were not roofed. You were drunk drunk.

0:18:09.250 --> 0:18:11.570
<v Speaker 1>I think we were targeted by thieves.

0:18:12.050 --> 0:18:14.929
<v Speaker 4>I was sober. I mean I had probably had a

0:18:14.970 --> 0:18:17.650
<v Speaker 4>drink or two. There weren't any roofies in my drink. No,

0:18:17.730 --> 0:18:21.090
<v Speaker 4>you too. It was your birthday, right, Yeah, and it

0:18:21.129 --> 0:18:26.609
<v Speaker 4>got incredibly excessive and I had to essentially carry you

0:18:26.850 --> 0:18:31.970
<v Speaker 4>about six blocks home. I kind of want to take

0:18:31.970 --> 0:18:34.330
<v Speaker 4>my glasses off so I can't really see your face

0:18:34.490 --> 0:18:36.649
<v Speaker 4>at this moment. Is that okay? Yeah?

0:18:36.689 --> 0:18:38.649
<v Speaker 1>Why? I don't know.

0:18:39.369 --> 0:18:46.369
<v Speaker 4>It's a little hard to talk about. I mean, I

0:18:46.409 --> 0:18:49.889
<v Speaker 4>want to say this, just like, very clearly. I'm very

0:18:49.929 --> 0:18:56.129
<v Speaker 4>happy you stopped drinking. I do think that you are

0:18:56.530 --> 0:19:03.170
<v Speaker 4>a significantly better parent than you were when you were drinking.

0:19:04.169 --> 0:19:08.129
<v Speaker 4>I think you're just here with us in a different way.

0:19:08.810 --> 0:19:11.610
<v Speaker 4>I think you're more present I think you're more consistent.

0:19:11.889 --> 0:19:14.649
<v Speaker 4>I think you're more stable. It's just like you have

0:19:14.850 --> 0:19:18.489
<v Speaker 4>access to a different part of yourself. It seems to

0:19:18.530 --> 0:19:21.489
<v Speaker 4>me now. I even just want to say, you have

0:19:21.570 --> 0:19:25.649
<v Speaker 4>access to yourself now in a way that you just didn't.

0:19:27.970 --> 0:19:30.810
<v Speaker 4>And I think I feel that, but I think he

0:19:31.010 --> 0:19:38.570
<v Speaker 4>feels it more. And I feel like he's proud of you.

0:19:40.090 --> 0:19:42.570
<v Speaker 4>And I don't mean proud in the sense that he's like, oh,

0:19:42.609 --> 0:19:46.370
<v Speaker 4>my dad doesn't drink. I think he's just more proud

0:19:46.490 --> 0:19:50.649
<v Speaker 4>of and attracted to the person that you are sober

0:19:51.730 --> 0:19:54.249
<v Speaker 4>than the person that you were before.

0:20:01.730 --> 0:20:05.929
<v Speaker 1>Week fifty three. Today is the first real snowfall of

0:20:05.970 --> 0:20:08.290
<v Speaker 1>the year, and I'm walking along a path in the

0:20:08.330 --> 0:20:11.770
<v Speaker 1>woods nearer house. At a certain point, I can feel

0:20:11.770 --> 0:20:15.009
<v Speaker 1>my pace begin to slow, and eventually I come to

0:20:15.050 --> 0:20:18.529
<v Speaker 1>a standstill. It's serene, and a part of me just

0:20:18.570 --> 0:20:21.489
<v Speaker 1>wants to melt into the scene. I don't mean I

0:20:21.530 --> 0:20:24.090
<v Speaker 1>want to admire it or write a poem about it.

0:20:24.689 --> 0:20:26.929
<v Speaker 1>A part of me just wants to wander off the path,

0:20:27.290 --> 0:20:30.249
<v Speaker 1>curl up beside a tree, and let the snow cover me.

0:20:31.530 --> 0:20:34.410
<v Speaker 1>I don't know that i'd call this feeling depressive or anything.

0:20:35.129 --> 0:20:37.129
<v Speaker 1>It's just a feeling of wanting to hit the pause

0:20:37.169 --> 0:20:40.490
<v Speaker 1>button on life. It's a feeling of wanting, if only

0:20:40.530 --> 0:20:44.290
<v Speaker 1>for a while, the pleasure of complete surrender, of giving up,

0:20:45.929 --> 0:21:10.609
<v Speaker 1>but instead I keep going. This episode of Heavyweight was

0:21:10.649 --> 0:21:14.689
<v Speaker 1>produced by me Jonathan Goldstein, along with senior producer Khalila Holt,

0:21:14.810 --> 0:21:19.770
<v Speaker 1>Supervising producer Stevie Lane, and Phoebe Flanagain. Our production council

0:21:19.929 --> 0:21:23.810
<v Speaker 1>is Jake Flanagin. Marcelo de Olivera mixed the episode with

0:21:23.850 --> 0:21:27.850
<v Speaker 1>original music by Christine Fellows, John K. Sampson, Blue Dot Sessions,

0:21:28.010 --> 0:21:31.369
<v Speaker 1>and Bobby Lord. A special shout out to Howard Chakowitz,

0:21:31.449 --> 0:21:35.289
<v Speaker 1>who Tony wanted it known also expressed concern. Follow us

0:21:35.290 --> 0:21:39.410
<v Speaker 1>on Twitter at Heavyweight, Instagram at Heavyweight podcast, or email

0:21:39.490 --> 0:21:43.090
<v Speaker 1>us at Heavyweight at Pushkin dot Fm. We're still looking

0:21:43.090 --> 0:21:46.009
<v Speaker 1>for your stories, so please keep them coming. We'll be

0:21:46.050 --> 0:21:49.969
<v Speaker 1>back next week with an encore presentation of the Gregor episode,

0:21:50.050 --> 0:21:53.729
<v Speaker 1>which will include an update from the titular Gregor, so

0:21:53.889 --> 0:21:54.329
<v Speaker 1>tune in