Speaker 1: Help I Suck Good Dating and I Heart Radio podcast. Hello,
Speaker 1: and welcome back to Help I Suck at Dating. I'm
Speaker 1: Dean Angler. This is episode five and I have a
Speaker 1: very special guest in studio with me today. You know him,
Speaker 1: you love him from Rachel season, Eric Bigger, Ladies, lady
Speaker 1: and gentlemen. There he is. I'm in the building. How
Speaker 1: you doing, Dan, How are you feeling. I'm feeling good man,
Speaker 1: hearts hearts full, hearts ready to you know, continue pushing through. Um, Eric,
Speaker 1: do you mind just introducing yourself to everyone that maybe
Speaker 1: isn't as similar to the show. Hey, So I'm Eric Bigger,
Speaker 1: a second run up from Rachel Lindsay season and uh,
Speaker 1: me and Dean was in Dallas together before I took
Speaker 1: off for Spain and then I went home and then
Speaker 1: I'm here and um, Johnny King, let's do it well.
Speaker 1: Thank you. UM. I also do want to mention at
Speaker 1: the top of this podcast, I mentioned briefly to the
Speaker 1: producer and Eric as well, this is the eleven year
Speaker 1: anniversary of my mother passing away this week, so I'm
Speaker 1: a little off. I'm a little emotional this time of year.
Speaker 1: So if you guys sent some of that I just
Speaker 1: wanted to at least put that out there. But Eric,
Speaker 1: let's dive into a little bit about what you take
Speaker 1: a lot of pride and joy in, which is great,
Speaker 1: And I know we talked about it a lot during
Speaker 1: our season, UM astrology and like kind of how astrology
Speaker 1: plays into dating and and even just relationships in general. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so you know, from my point of view, I always
Speaker 1: seek to understand and to be understood. You know, we
Speaker 1: are who we are for a number of things. UM.
Speaker 1: With you Ding, you know your areas, your fire sign, UM,
Speaker 1: you might lack patients at times, Um, you like to
Speaker 1: be in control. But also you are a sweetheart, so
Speaker 1: when it comes to her areas, you're more so or
Speaker 1: more compatible with someone who's fired just like you a
Speaker 1: Leo sagittarius. But you're really compatible as well with air sign,
Speaker 1: with someone who's a gem and I and aquarious, you know.
Speaker 1: So I think for you it's about a person understanding
Speaker 1: you and giving you your space, but at the same
Speaker 1: time letting you lead as well. So you might not
Speaker 1: like when someone is telling you what you do all
Speaker 1: the time or pushing you. You might not like that,
Speaker 1: don't like it very much? Right, So you need to
Speaker 1: understand it about you. But what's weird about that is
Speaker 1: because I am stubborn, right, and I do like to
Speaker 1: push back when people tell me to do things. But
Speaker 1: I also very much appreciate the direction that sometimes people offer, right,
Speaker 1: So how how do you find the happy medium between that?
Speaker 1: Because I will so quickly say no to someone when
Speaker 1: they're telling me to do something for myself, but I'm
Speaker 1: also very much open to the idea of someone kind
Speaker 1: of like guiding me through certain things, or like someone
Speaker 1: suggesting something I like structure when it's kind of given
Speaker 1: to me, right, But I don't like to to kind
Speaker 1: of abide to people's rules of that type of stuff.
Speaker 1: So is you know, being vulnerable with that person. So
Speaker 1: the thing about people who are airsions, they have a
Speaker 1: great way of communicating, so they know how to get
Speaker 1: you to do things that they need you to do
Speaker 1: in a diplomatic way. Okay, so I thank of someone
Speaker 1: you might be closer who's an airsion. Not with all signs.
Speaker 1: You know. Amy is a curious so she's really good
Speaker 1: at delegating in a healthy way. Sometimes. Amy the producer
Speaker 1: of the podcast. I don't like to get on Dean Show,
Speaker 1: but I will say he hates when I tell him
Speaker 1: what to do, but part of him he needs it. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: so it's balanced. But I think with you, it's all
Speaker 1: about being honest, being open, and being vulnerable I said,
Speaker 1: and understanding, like I don't like when you say that
Speaker 1: like that, or just be completely honest about your feelings. Okay,
Speaker 1: what's that? What's you? I'm an areas, I'm a Pisces.
Speaker 1: You're a piece. So what does pice you say about you?
Speaker 1: Very emotional, very sensitive, very impath like helping people. Okay,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm emotional person. I think that was one
Speaker 1: of my struggles on the show because I was trying
Speaker 1: to get Richel to be emotional from it jump she was,
Speaker 1: and so I felt like, well, maybe she doesn't want
Speaker 1: to be with me and Rachel's and Areas. I think
Speaker 1: she's an Aria's tar s mixer. She's right in the
Speaker 1: cos she's like earth in fire. Yet I think, yeah,
Speaker 1: oh you're you're right, You're right. I'm embarrassed. Um, all right,
Speaker 1: So does in patience man? Patience for you is could
Speaker 1: be tough sometimes. Patience, Yeah, you wanted like right now,
Speaker 1: you want to do it? Like let's go now, you
Speaker 1: don't think that's just in any other thing that's like,
Speaker 1: that's like areas, they're they're like the born leaders. They're
Speaker 1: like the baby of the leaders, like okay, they like
Speaker 1: they don't have patience. So that's the weird thing about
Speaker 1: me too, is I love being in control and being
Speaker 1: the leader of a situation. But at the same time
Speaker 1: you're competitive as well, competitive, very competitive. At the same time,
Speaker 1: I kind of like like the direction in the order
Speaker 1: and that yeah, this is what you should be doing.
Speaker 1: I just think for you, direction needs to come in
Speaker 1: a healthy way, Like you don't want someone controlling you
Speaker 1: or telling you what to do if it's not unhealthy
Speaker 1: or to demanding. So you don't like it's funny because
Speaker 1: you probably don't like when someone's like you to them
Speaker 1: in what way. So you might be like, uh, go
Speaker 1: over there and get me that drink and then come back.
Speaker 1: I have someone to take some pictures with you. But
Speaker 1: you might not even know that you're doing that just that. No,
Speaker 1: I'm just saying it might not come off that light.
Speaker 1: You're you direct your leader, so you tell people what
Speaker 1: to do without even trying to tell them what to do.
Speaker 1: If that makes sense, Yeah, come over here and take
Speaker 1: this selfie with me like I need you to, and
Speaker 1: you just do it just so naturally. But that's just
Speaker 1: who you are. It's okay, okay, ear leader, Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: so how about yourself? How do you kind of handle
Speaker 1: those types of situations? And your said you're more your pisces,
Speaker 1: so you're a little bit more empathic, right, So what
Speaker 1: does that say about you? Well, so for me, it's
Speaker 1: more about I don't mind taking direction because I have
Speaker 1: that problem. To you when people tell you what to do,
Speaker 1: It's all about how you speak to me. I don't
Speaker 1: mind working with someone or working for someone, but it's
Speaker 1: all how you talk to me. And so I think
Speaker 1: that's important for a lot of people. But some people
Speaker 1: they just want to be the boss. They want to
Speaker 1: be in control. Some people want to control control. I
Speaker 1: had that at some point, but I just trying to
Speaker 1: understand who I'm dealing one time. And so I know
Speaker 1: you're ares and I know you'd like to be in
Speaker 1: control or your leader. You're like patients, so I would
Speaker 1: know how to talk to you and deal with you.
Speaker 1: When did you start getting into this whole astrology thing
Speaker 1: or like just this whole mindset well, it's like four
Speaker 1: years ago. You know. I was just doing a lot
Speaker 1: of research on myself, trying to understand why am I
Speaker 1: this way? Why do I think like this? And why
Speaker 1: do I have these aspirations and ambitions? Like who is this?
Speaker 1: And why I started going deeper? And I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, And so when people don't, I don't say people,
Speaker 1: some people don't know. You have three signs that make
Speaker 1: you up right, So your first is your ascendant, which
Speaker 1: is your rising sign, how you come off, So that's
Speaker 1: more like your personality to when people see you. Then
Speaker 1: you have your moon sign, which is like your mood,
Speaker 1: and then you have your son, which is your area.
Speaker 1: So for me, my son's sign is a Pisces, but
Speaker 1: my rising sign is a Libra, So I come off
Speaker 1: like a Libra. I'm balance and charming, I'm cool. But
Speaker 1: my moon sign is a Sagittarius. So it's like I
Speaker 1: like the initiated, like action and like that that's the fire,
Speaker 1: and me like like the skull. What's your ascendant sign?
Speaker 1: That's a Libra. Ascendant is right like how you come off.
Speaker 1: So you might have I don't know, if we do
Speaker 1: your natal chart, you might have a water rising or
Speaker 1: earth rising, So you might get along with someone who's
Speaker 1: a Scorpio because your rising might be cancer because those
Speaker 1: are two water signs. So it's different for everybody. But
Speaker 1: once you get deep into your chart, you know, and
Speaker 1: your natal chart is basically your chart where you have
Speaker 1: your full name, the tommy were born, where you were born,
Speaker 1: in your date, and so you get all these signs
Speaker 1: and then you have your venus planet, which is your
Speaker 1: love sign, Jupiter, which represents money. Um Mercury was just communication.
Speaker 1: So there's so many different elements that make up a
Speaker 1: person that people don't know. And it makes sense for relationships, business, partnership,
Speaker 1: all those things. And so what sparks your interested in this?
Speaker 1: And I know you were just trying to, like I
Speaker 1: like helping people, right, So for me, Um, I'm always
Speaker 1: curious about you know, like Tony Robbins a big inspiration
Speaker 1: and I'm like, damn, how is this guy so passionate?
Speaker 1: Like what is he get it from? You know, you
Speaker 1: see someone like Steve Jobs, He's someone like Walt Disney,
Speaker 1: you know, these powerful people, and so I start doing
Speaker 1: research like, oh, so Tony Robbins, for instance, I know
Speaker 1: he's a Pisce, he's like I am. His life path
Speaker 1: number is two, like I am. So he's very diplomatic,
Speaker 1: very tackling his communication, but his moon sign is an aries,
Speaker 1: so when it comes to getting things done in information,
Speaker 1: he's very like intense, like he want to get it
Speaker 1: right now. So if I want to help people, I
Speaker 1: gotta know everything about them in my in my mind
Speaker 1: because I want to know who I'm really dealing with now,
Speaker 1: who I think I'm dealing with based on what they
Speaker 1: do and how they're coming off. And I remember you.
Speaker 1: I think our first in depth conversation about this over
Speaker 1: the course of the show is I think it was
Speaker 1: in Hilton Head working out together in the gym, and
Speaker 1: you brought up life path number, right, So how do
Speaker 1: you calculate a life path number? Yeah, so life path
Speaker 1: number would be your month, your day in your year,
Speaker 1: so no number can go above a nine. So it's
Speaker 1: numbers from one to nine. So basically your birthday is
Speaker 1: what April seventeen, April sevente right, So then so we're
Speaker 1: gonna do the year first. We're gonna start from right.
Speaker 1: I'll way back to left. So one plus nine is ten,
Speaker 1: tim plus nine is what nineteen plus one is twenty,
Speaker 1: so then we have the two because twenty, so you
Speaker 1: will do two plus zero, which is too So one
Speaker 1: plus seven eight eight so then what's that tip ten
Speaker 1: and then tim plus four, right, you got it, So
Speaker 1: then there we go. We have fourteen. That makes that
Speaker 1: whole month day one plus four is five, so five
Speaker 1: represents change freedom. That's why you travel a lot. You're
Speaker 1: very curious. Also, you like to live life to the fullest,
Speaker 1: so eating, drinking, and having fun. But when you're focused,
Speaker 1: your highly successful. So that's your life path number. So
Speaker 1: you're gonna always be curious, You're probably gonna travel a lot.
Speaker 1: And I'm two, so I'm very I'm the peacemaker, so
Speaker 1: might bring the piece. I'm very diplomatic. I bring people together,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm trying to keep it cool. Um. But
Speaker 1: then you have your attitude number, you know, so you
Speaker 1: and not have the same attitude number. What's that? So
Speaker 1: your attitude number would be your month in your day,
Speaker 1: So your day is the seventeen, right, so one plus
Speaker 1: seven eight plus eight plus four one plus two it
Speaker 1: is so attitude three is energy is good and when
Speaker 1: things happen that hurt you, it hinders you you like,
Speaker 1: make humor about it. You don't want to, you know,
Speaker 1: so you're you don't really As far as attitude, you
Speaker 1: don't played the great area, even white or black, and
Speaker 1: when you're really mad or upset, people can feel it.
Speaker 1: So you and I have the same attitude number. Okay, interesting? Yeah,
Speaker 1: all right, Eric brings me to my next question. Have
Speaker 1: you ever used a dating app before? Yeah? I have.
Speaker 1: I'm sure the one that you use was Bumble, right.
Speaker 1: I have been a Bumble before, and I'm sure this
Speaker 1: is probably pre show. I mean, I'm I'm guilty of
Speaker 1: using it too. Tell me about one of your experiences
Speaker 1: using bumble. Uh, Bumble is hard. It was hard in
Speaker 1: the beginning because you have to wait for the female
Speaker 1: though like you right, and then message you right. Yes,
Speaker 1: but that's that can be a good thing. I think
Speaker 1: it shows it. No, no, no hits. I'm sure you
Speaker 1: didn't have any problem getting hits on bumble area. Or
Speaker 1: someone likes you and doesn't message you, then yeah, it's
Speaker 1: like what are we doing? What? Why? Why did you
Speaker 1: like me in the first place? Purpose? But yeah, so
Speaker 1: let's hear what's your story. Have you ever met up
Speaker 1: with a a from Bumble again, it could be you're
Speaker 1: okay really never okay? Um, I have yeah, feel only
Speaker 1: like a handful again only years ago. Um. But the
Speaker 1: nict thing about Bumble is you don't have to just
Speaker 1: meet people of the opposite sex to go on dates
Speaker 1: with them, right. There are other options that you can
Speaker 1: other benefits you can root from using Bumble, so you
Speaker 1: can use it as a dating app, which Eric has
Speaker 1: used with two to minor success. I've used to a
Speaker 1: little bit better. But again, you know, it's it's it's
Speaker 1: all within the beholder. Um. There's also the friend Finder app,
Speaker 1: so you know, say you moved to a new city
Speaker 1: and you're just trying to find some new friends to
Speaker 1: hang out with. I think we you know, we can
Speaker 1: all attest that one of the biggest fears of moving
Speaker 1: is is not necessarily having people to hang out with.
Speaker 1: And that's what's great about Bumble as it allows you
Speaker 1: the opportunity to meet people organically in the sense that
Speaker 1: you know, you don't always want to go to a bar.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you want to be able to to meet and
Speaker 1: have a conversation before meeting face to face. You have
Speaker 1: the Bumble friend Finder, and then say you're in a
Speaker 1: in a profession where networking is pretty important as well,
Speaker 1: or you're just interested in meeting like minded folks who
Speaker 1: kind of share the same career h hobbies as you
Speaker 1: and you know you can jump on bumble what is
Speaker 1: it bumble business networking. So there's three components to a
Speaker 1: bumble dating, bumble best friend and bumble business where you're
Speaker 1: able to meet and talk to people, um, you know,
Speaker 1: fellow socialized, fellow business people just like yourself. Or you know,
Speaker 1: if you're looking to find the next level your life
Speaker 1: instead of going on a TV show, you're more than
Speaker 1: able to go on bumble and find them there. And
Speaker 1: if you go on bumble dot com slash Dean and
Speaker 1: download the app, you can start bumbling and start finding
Speaker 1: new friends, new business colleagues, whatever it is. So bumble
Speaker 1: dot com slash Dean, be sure to get on there
Speaker 1: and start bumbling. All right. So last week in studio,
Speaker 1: as you guys all know, we had my roommate and
Speaker 1: Dr V who left me with the homework assignment, which
Speaker 1: was to compile a list of ten fears that I
Speaker 1: have in dating. I did just that, maybe to a
Speaker 1: lesser extent. I was only able to get a couple
Speaker 1: of them. I hope she's not gonna be angry at me,
Speaker 1: but we're gonna get her back on the phone. We're
Speaker 1: gonna go and dissect them a little bit and kind
Speaker 1: of see what advice she asked for me moving forward.
Speaker 1: Hey dr V it's Dean from Iart Media. I suck
Speaker 1: at dating. What's up girl? Dr for don't forget p
Speaker 1: G rated podcast here? Yeah, that's all right. We have
Speaker 1: a certain number of beeps and we've already used two
Speaker 1: of them. So okay, okay, I'll be I'll be good.
Speaker 1: I'll be good. God, how are you? I'm good. I
Speaker 1: want to know how you're doing and did you do
Speaker 1: your assignment? Did you comply with your homework? I try
Speaker 1: to comply. I've compiled a short list shorter than you
Speaker 1: wanted it to be, but I did write a few
Speaker 1: things down. Okay, let's hear it. So the homework was
Speaker 1: just to refresh the listeners, to write down ten ten
Speaker 1: fears that I have in dating, right, I said ten. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a lot. That's a lot. Thank god you shorten
Speaker 1: it list. You're smart. I wrote three so we can
Speaker 1: dissect them a little bit more fully. Great, great, three okay,
Speaker 1: all right. So the first one that I wrote, and
Speaker 1: I actually just wrote these when I got into the
Speaker 1: studio today is loving and not being loved back. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that is a real fear. And I'll tell you ceprocation
Speaker 1: is not love. It isn't you own your love. Your
Speaker 1: love is yours and nobody can take that away from you.
Speaker 1: What do you think about that? Um? I think that
Speaker 1: that's a good point. I forgot to mention, actually, dr
Speaker 1: V that I do. I have a a co host
Speaker 1: in studio with me today, Eric Bigger from my season.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure if you're familiar with him. Eric. What's up? Hey?
Speaker 1: How you doing? How are you feeling? WHOA, we're all here? Ergy?
Speaker 1: What's that? Um? What's that saying? You are who you love,
Speaker 1: not who loves you? And that is so important to
Speaker 1: realize you're able to really take your power back from
Speaker 1: the real place of unconditional love. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But but, but anyway, I digress. I'm getting very philosophical.
Speaker 1: So you're afraid of not being loved back, yes, but
Speaker 1: reciprocation is not love. So I just want you to
Speaker 1: think about that, and you're not you know, you are
Speaker 1: who you love, not who loves you back. So let's
Speaker 1: talk about that for a second. What do you mean
Speaker 1: by you are who you love? You are who you love,
Speaker 1: and when you examine who you love, think about the
Speaker 1: amazing insights you have about you. Think about all the
Speaker 1: people you I mean, are you dating anyone now? Of
Speaker 1: course not? You stuck at it? Okay, think about all
Speaker 1: of the people you have dated in the past and
Speaker 1: think about who they are as people and what you
Speaker 1: loved about them. You are who you love, so well,
Speaker 1: it's okay. So now that's that's something different. Are you
Speaker 1: dating and you're just looking to hook up with people
Speaker 1: or are you looking to be in love? And I'll
Speaker 1: tell you, biology bears out that you're looking to be
Speaker 1: in love as much as you want to be cool
Speaker 1: and say you're dating, You're dating because you want to
Speaker 1: be in love. So let's get back to the question.
Speaker 1: When you think about your past relationships, when you think
Speaker 1: about that, were they people? What kind of people were they?
Speaker 1: It says a lot about who you are positive, outgoing, fun.
Speaker 1: I think we're positive they were outgoing, they were fun,
Speaker 1: But that doesn't necessarily solve the fear that I have
Speaker 1: of loving someone and not being loved back. My point
Speaker 1: they received love is like I want to I want
Speaker 1: to give my full heart to someone, right and I'm
Speaker 1: I'm guessing my fear is giving my full heart to
Speaker 1: someone and not getting their full heart back. What I'm
Speaker 1: trying to explain to you is that is a vulnerability
Speaker 1: and it's worth the risk. You need to be more
Speaker 1: courageous because reciprocation is not love. Who gives about the
Speaker 1: other person and what they give back to you. Your
Speaker 1: love is yours. But if you continue loving them, and
Speaker 1: everyone's fear is that they won't be loved back, and
Speaker 1: that is an enormous undertaking. Number one, maybe you don't
Speaker 1: feel worthy of love. You don't feel worthy of that.
Speaker 1: And if you don't feel worthy of love, you're always
Speaker 1: going to be rejecting its. Actually I'm trying to I'm
Speaker 1: trying to help you with that fear of you know,
Speaker 1: having it not be reciprocated. I'm trying to help you
Speaker 1: with that by saying it's look, it's your love, you
Speaker 1: own it. You know what's funny about that. It's a
Speaker 1: perfect transition into my second fear, which is an adequacy
Speaker 1: mm hmm, yeah, and adequacy in the sense that in
Speaker 1: the sense that I think that I think it's kind
Speaker 1: of human nature to go around comparing yourself to other people, right,
Speaker 1: And so if I'm in a relationship, I kind of
Speaker 1: look at myself. I kind of compare myself to other
Speaker 1: potential suitors for the person that I'm dating, right, and
Speaker 1: seeing where I stack up in that kind of hierarchy
Speaker 1: high your archy, right. Um, So maybe that's kind of
Speaker 1: a derivative of the the loving and not being left back.
Speaker 1: Give me examples. I want examples of what exactly you're
Speaker 1: you know, you're inadequacies. So you met Jackson last week, right,
Speaker 1: great guy, super good looking, very outgoing. Um, Jackson is great,
Speaker 1: super smart, right exactly. And so maybe like say I'm
Speaker 1: dating someone, right and I introduced them to Jackson, and
Speaker 1: I kind of like, look at Jackson. I'm like, Damn,
Speaker 1: Jackson is way cooler than I am. He's way more
Speaker 1: like datable than I am. Right. So it's like a
Speaker 1: feeling of an adequacy that I sometimes have when I
Speaker 1: introduced maybe someone that I'm dating or whatever. It is
Speaker 1: just that's just for instance, of course, but wow, this
Speaker 1: is deep. I just I'm wondering, where did you first
Speaker 1: start feeling these feelings of an adequacy. I have no idea.
Speaker 1: I'm just talking about them for the first time right now.
Speaker 1: So I think it's amazing. I think to be so
Speaker 1: insightful about yourself and what your fears are and that
Speaker 1: you feel unworthy of love and that you feel inadequate.
Speaker 1: I mean, but at the same time, how relatable are
Speaker 1: you because everybody feels that way. I feel inadequate, I
Speaker 1: feel unworthy every Do you feel that? And that's a
Speaker 1: real feeling, And I guess do you are? Are there
Speaker 1: any ideas that you might have for you for yourself,
Speaker 1: like maybe mantras that you could say in those moments
Speaker 1: of feeling of an adequate? What you know what I mean, like,
Speaker 1: what could you say to yourself? I love coping cards?
Speaker 1: Are you talking about like like pre interview type stuff
Speaker 1: where you go in front of the mirror and you
Speaker 1: like raise your hands in the air and you say,
Speaker 1: I am powerful. Okay, so let me so I'm glad
Speaker 1: you brought that up, because, let me tell you something,
Speaker 1: power posing was huge. It was huge YouTube. But psychology
Speaker 1: has an enormous reproducibility issue. They couldn't reproduce that study.
Speaker 1: Um a couple of years later. So you have to
Speaker 1: be careful with psychology. So the answer to that is
Speaker 1: absolutely not. I do not expect you to do that.
Speaker 1: And sometimes when people look in the mirror and they
Speaker 1: try to validate themselves, if they don't believe what they're saying,
Speaker 1: it makes it worse. That's why I like coping cards.
Speaker 1: So for example, for you, I would want you to
Speaker 1: put um perhaps, Actually, I'm going to ask you if,
Speaker 1: in two words, if you could tell your younger self something,
Speaker 1: what would it be. I'll give you an example. Mine
Speaker 1: would be see your nothing. Okay, that's a good one.
Speaker 1: What would yours be? That's Eric? What do you think?
Speaker 1: Chime in on? Eric? Where are you in this conversation?
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm letting you get it all out because
Speaker 1: I have so many questions. But you know the show
Speaker 1: goes on. Um Eric aep. You know I'm sequence to understanding,
Speaker 1: to be understood it trying to understand your point. So
Speaker 1: you said your fear nothing. That was your coping card. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that would be that. Well, that would be the two
Speaker 1: words I would say to my younger self would be
Speaker 1: fear nothing. I will say, uh, embrace. How I am
Speaker 1: just embrace it and embrace to it. That's three it
Speaker 1: needs to be to It's three words. Embrace you. I
Speaker 1: owe two words two words embrace self. Love that self.
Speaker 1: Love that self. Yes, embrace self. I love that. Um,
Speaker 1: how about like, don't waiver? I would say it would
Speaker 1: be mine, don't waiver? You would say that to your
Speaker 1: younger self. Yeah, because sometimes I notice myself being a
Speaker 1: bit of a pushover at times, which I find that
Speaker 1: as a positive quality in certain instances, but there are
Speaker 1: times where I wish I didn't waver in the face
Speaker 1: of some adversity, right for sure. So that's that's where
Speaker 1: that comes from. And it's funny too because as we
Speaker 1: move on to the third fear that I have, the
Speaker 1: third and final fear that I wrote down, I kind
Speaker 1: of intertwined with the first two. And what I wrote
Speaker 1: down was opportunity costs. So I'm looking at obviously not
Speaker 1: like a relationship, like a business. But say I'm dating someone,
Speaker 1: and then back to again the feeling of an adequacy
Speaker 1: if they could, if the person I'm dating foreseeably could
Speaker 1: get something more out of the relationship from someone else,
Speaker 1: I almost feel like I'm doing a disservice to the
Speaker 1: person that I'm dating by sticking in that relationship, If
Speaker 1: that makes sense, show you push them away? Uh? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess I slowly gravitated away. Can you Can you
Speaker 1: just say that again because it's it sounds like it's
Speaker 1: your coping method for one and two. I'm not sure,
Speaker 1: but say it again. You're your thirdier. I feel like
Speaker 1: if I'm not making the person that I'm dating as
Speaker 1: happy as they need to be in their life, and
Speaker 1: someone else could make them happier, It's kind of like
Speaker 1: me looking at it as then they should be in
Speaker 1: a relationship with someone else because they could be happier
Speaker 1: with someone else. And I think that boils back down
Speaker 1: to the feeling of an adequacy in that sense. Well,
Speaker 1: it's your way of pushing the other person away. So
Speaker 1: you're saying that's that's the root of it is the
Speaker 1: pushing of a way of of whoever it is that
Speaker 1: I'm with. Absolutely, I mean, if you're if you're saying,
Speaker 1: and by the way, how would you know if they're
Speaker 1: not happy? Are you asking them? Are you thinking for them? No?
Speaker 1: I don't know. Well here's the one to tell you, Dean,
Speaker 1: you are enough. You were enough, And I'm sorry, you
Speaker 1: don't feel that way, and I'm trying to figure out
Speaker 1: ways for you to overcome some of these fears. Do
Speaker 1: you have any ideas? Um, I think I need to
Speaker 1: improve myself worth a little bit. How could you do that?
Speaker 1: Would you put your coping card in your pocket when
Speaker 1: you need it and say, don't waver if you think
Speaker 1: that's a constructive practice, I'm willing to to put. I
Speaker 1: love coping cards. I think they're awesome. Okay, I'll put
Speaker 1: a copen card in my wallet today and I'll see
Speaker 1: you today. You'll put in your wallet. It needs to
Speaker 1: be like in your pocket. I put it to be
Speaker 1: where you can gather it. I'll put it where at
Speaker 1: my my driver's license it so I can pull my
Speaker 1: wallet out and it's through that transparent little slip. It's
Speaker 1: a quick reminder. Okay, So justin wrap up your number.
Speaker 1: Your number one was loving and not be loved, Loving
Speaker 1: and not being loved. You now understand that reciprocation is
Speaker 1: not loved. Just think on that. Well, you don't have
Speaker 1: to don't have to do anything. Just think on that.
Speaker 1: Number two was what inadequacy? Oh yeah, that's that's a
Speaker 1: big one. And number three opportunity cost, opportunity cost. And
Speaker 1: so what you're gonna do is you're going to put
Speaker 1: don't waiver on a coping card and you're going to
Speaker 1: see how you feel in those times of insecurity and fear. Okay,
Speaker 1: perfect example of this. I'm going to give an example
Speaker 1: of that happens to me over the weekend. It wasn't
Speaker 1: a dating example or anything like that, but I was
Speaker 1: boarding a flight from Minneapolis to Edmonton's four hour flight
Speaker 1: something like that. Okay, it's already wrong, it's already wrong,
Speaker 1: it's already going bad. That's not bad. I purposefully booked
Speaker 1: the exit rail because I'm you know, six two six
Speaker 1: two and a half five long legs um and I
Speaker 1: need the extra leg space. And I go to my
Speaker 1: exit seat and someone sitting in my seat and she
Speaker 1: looks at me and she goes, is this your seat?
Speaker 1: And I said, yes, that's my seat. Can I sit there?
Speaker 1: And she goes, oh, I want to sit next my husband.
Speaker 1: Can you sit in my seat? And it's like across
Speaker 1: the hall and like one of the regular size seats,
Speaker 1: and I'm like looking at her, and they look at
Speaker 1: her seat and I look back at her and I
Speaker 1: look back at the seat and like, it's a small sea,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna have any room. It's a long flight.
Speaker 1: And I look at her and I go, yeah, that's fine,
Speaker 1: I'll sit in your seat. And then I sat down
Speaker 1: in my seat and I was like, damn it. I
Speaker 1: shouldn't have sat in the seat. I should have just
Speaker 1: taken my exit row seat back. And in that instance,
Speaker 1: I wish I didn't waver because the flight, I mean,
Speaker 1: obviously I got to where I was trying to go.
Speaker 1: And this is a very like elementary example of this,
Speaker 1: but I was a little angry at myself. Or You're
Speaker 1: bringing up a great issue. How do we negotiate our needs?
Speaker 1: How do you negotiate your needs? And so for you,
Speaker 1: it feel it almost feels like you talk about it
Speaker 1: as an all or nothing. You know, don't waiver, you know,
Speaker 1: don't give that person the seat. And I know that
Speaker 1: you're you know you're not doing that. But I'm wondering
Speaker 1: if that black and white thinking. You need to think
Speaker 1: of it. You need to think of it differently, like
Speaker 1: how do you negotiate your needs? And do you negotiate
Speaker 1: your needs effectively? Which I'm hearing you say that you
Speaker 1: don't You don't negotiate your needs effectively, but you. But
Speaker 1: at the point that I'm making is that you need
Speaker 1: to think of it as a negotiation. That makes sense, Yes,
Speaker 1: within yourself, and then with the other person you're thinking,
Speaker 1: you're it's a negotiation. So what would you have At
Speaker 1: a lot of times when we don't know how to
Speaker 1: negotiate our needs. We don't have uh an emotional narrative
Speaker 1: around it, we don't have language around it. So what
Speaker 1: would you have said to that woman? If you could
Speaker 1: go back in time and redo it, what would you do?
Speaker 1: I thought about it a lot actually while I was
Speaker 1: sitting on the flight, and what I should have done
Speaker 1: it was a solid compromise. Was had them her and
Speaker 1: her husband sitting in the road that I was in,
Speaker 1: and then me and the guy that was sitting next
Speaker 1: to me would have taken the exit row. So you
Speaker 1: would have instead of caving, you would have problems found compromised. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you have the ability to problem solves and negotiate your needs,
Speaker 1: and you need to be able to believe that within yourself.
Speaker 1: You know that being said, if you don't think you're
Speaker 1: worthy of love, if you feel you're a pushover, worthy
Speaker 1: of that exit row and not worthy of that ends
Speaker 1: it row. You have to get rid of that narrative.
Speaker 1: You're telling yourself a bunch of lines and you're believing them. Okay,
Speaker 1: So dr V, this is what I'm gonna do. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna go down and write don't waiver on
Speaker 1: my coping card. I'm going to stick it in my wallet.
Speaker 1: Whenever I feel myself, I guess succumbing to doing something
Speaker 1: that I don't necessarily want to do, I'll pull it
Speaker 1: out and I'll remind myself of how I'm supposed to
Speaker 1: cope with the situation. Right. But but remember, because if
Speaker 1: you're the ideas, don't waiver. But also keep in mind
Speaker 1: that that doesn't mean to be a hard ask, because
Speaker 1: then you have the problem the other way. That's why
Speaker 1: it's important to think about your processed as a negotiation
Speaker 1: and you have those problems skills, Dean, it's amazing to
Speaker 1: me you know you're able to do that. You see
Speaker 1: to believe that you're capable of doing that. I believe
Speaker 1: I'm going to start believing more. Um, this was so progress.
Speaker 1: Dr V. You're great. Thank you for taking the time
Speaker 1: to come back that's that's saying something right there, you
Speaker 1: guys are Eric, it was really nice meeting or dr V.
Speaker 1: I'm here, I'm here, baby, I'm here, I'm here. We
Speaker 1: can have a long conversation at some point. At some
Speaker 1: point I think you guys would have a lot to
Speaker 1: talk about, but that's maybe for another episode. Dr V.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much again for taking take care of
Speaker 1: have a great day. So, Eric, you were pretty quiet
Speaker 1: during that conversation. What what do you think about? What
Speaker 1: you know? I was trying to take everything in that
Speaker 1: she was giving you in a moment, and I realized
Speaker 1: this about you on the show because I think I
Speaker 1: always say, if you spot it, you got it right.
Speaker 1: So on the show you waver from who you are
Speaker 1: and accepting you. So I think you mentioned the airplane
Speaker 1: incident where you know you wanted to extra see because
Speaker 1: you have long legs, and someone took your see it
Speaker 1: and you were mad at yourself. So the question I
Speaker 1: was have will have you to ask is why did
Speaker 1: you avoid yourself in that moment when you really need it?
Speaker 1: That set me. Of course I didn't need to see
Speaker 1: it would have been a nice luxury to to have
Speaker 1: been able to stretch out my legs a little bit,
Speaker 1: and honestly, I think I was totally okay with it.
Speaker 1: But what really uh put me off at the end
Speaker 1: of it was when we were getting up to leave
Speaker 1: the plane. The exit seat was kind of like right
Speaker 1: across maybe like back one roew from where I was sitting,
Speaker 1: and I didn't even get to thank you. You know,
Speaker 1: it's like thank someone for for kind of like doing
Speaker 1: that for you. Right, if they thanked me, I would
Speaker 1: have been like, oh, of course, Like I'm more than
Speaker 1: happy to accommodate you and let you sit next to
Speaker 1: your husband that sort of thing. Um. But again, like
Speaker 1: I I want to be accommodating to people, right, yeah,
Speaker 1: but that's you're really good at that. How about people
Speaker 1: accommodating to you. I just think that I'm very little maintenance,
Speaker 1: so I don't necessarily need quite as much accommodations as
Speaker 1: the next person. I didn't A question would be why, um,
Speaker 1: and then you laugh. Right, So I have this. I've
Speaker 1: always had this kind of mentality, and I've kind of
Speaker 1: gotten away from it in recent years. But from maybe
Speaker 1: like a sixteen to twenty four year old. Again, as
Speaker 1: as foolish as I was during those times, I would
Speaker 1: always justify things by saying, no matter the moment that
Speaker 1: you're going through, no matter the level of discomfort that
Speaker 1: you have, when you get to the end of it,
Speaker 1: it's gonna have it's gonna be over anyways. Right. So
Speaker 1: the the stuff that you have to endure during it,
Speaker 1: as long as it's not extremely bad, it's okay because
Speaker 1: once you get to the end of it, it's over
Speaker 1: and it doesn't make a difference as to how you
Speaker 1: got to where you are at that point. Right, So
Speaker 1: the three or four hours of discomfort that I had
Speaker 1: on the plane had really no bearing on me arriving
Speaker 1: in Edmonton or Canada where I was traveling to um
Speaker 1: And so that's kind of how I looked at it,
Speaker 1: and I've I've always kind of had that mindset, um
Speaker 1: So that's kind of why I was okay with giving
Speaker 1: it up. But then at the same time, you know, again,
Speaker 1: you're like, okay, Like I went out of my way
Speaker 1: to book that seat so I can stretch out and
Speaker 1: be more comfortable, et cetera. So if I can give
Speaker 1: you to share some of my spurts, please, So you know,
Speaker 1: prior to the show, I was a yes man. I
Speaker 1: said yes to everything you didn't know how to say no,
Speaker 1: and a reason being because when I was a child,
Speaker 1: I was avoided, I was neglected. So I figured, Okay,
Speaker 1: if I'm neglected, then maybe I should just give to
Speaker 1: everybody else and my needs and wants are not as important.
Speaker 1: So subconsciously I became this person who if you needed
Speaker 1: something what I really needed, but I felt like you
Speaker 1: need you more to me, Well that's what I was thinking.
Speaker 1: I would give up my needs for your And so
Speaker 1: what happens is you get to a point where people
Speaker 1: start using that behavior against you, and then you're always
Speaker 1: getting shorter in the stick because you're not being responsible
Speaker 1: for your feelings and how you feel. So on the
Speaker 1: show it opened me up to be responsible for my feelings,
Speaker 1: like I want to date you, and I don't want
Speaker 1: to date this person, or this is how I really feel.
Speaker 1: I don't want to talk today, but I would talk
Speaker 1: prior to the show because I want to deplease everybody.
Speaker 1: I want every want to make cap like you want
Speaker 1: to deplease that lady on the plane because you felt
Speaker 1: like she needed it more than you, But honestly, in
Speaker 1: the back of your mind, you really wanted that seat
Speaker 1: so I think for you as go back into your
Speaker 1: childhood or your spirons, where where did that turning point happen?
Speaker 1: Where you thought you was last and then first? And
Speaker 1: your feelings And I think for relationships and dating, that's
Speaker 1: what you gotta understand and make a decision like these
Speaker 1: are my feelings. Even if it might hurt the person,
Speaker 1: is still your truth. Like I feel this way in
Speaker 1: this moment, and you know, because at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, relationships should be about should be unconditional on
Speaker 1: not conditional, And I feel like I want to show
Speaker 1: people talk about Paradise, you had options and people made
Speaker 1: you feel a certain way. I mean, you made the
Speaker 1: girls feel a certain way. But at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, if you reverse roles and you put a
Speaker 1: girl in your situation, you put two hot guys around them,
Speaker 1: the decision might be difficult, but we all should love
Speaker 1: and appreciate people on conditions, right. It's it's definitely especially
Speaker 1: in this situation too, from the bachelortte to bachelor in
Speaker 1: Paradise and and moving forward is like we're kind of
Speaker 1: set up in a spot to be loved conditionally, like
Speaker 1: you're saying, so it's conditional love. The love you until
Speaker 1: they hate you sort of thing, right, Um, And it's
Speaker 1: weird because they only see a certain side of everything,
Speaker 1: so they only love you for certain reasons, not for
Speaker 1: your full self. And I think the point that I
Speaker 1: wanted to make when you said that you were yes
Speaker 1: man for so long, you kind of lose sight of
Speaker 1: what you need to make you happy. Right, When you're
Speaker 1: constantly doing things to make other people happy for their
Speaker 1: own benefit, you kind of lose sight of what you
Speaker 1: need for yourself. And then everybody else does too, right,
Speaker 1: and then it becomes like a process of constiutently giving
Speaker 1: you what you don't want to be because they're so
Speaker 1: used to you given like, oh, dan gonna take me
Speaker 1: to the airport to do this, damn do that, And
Speaker 1: you'll be like, damn, I can I just get to
Speaker 1: think acknowledgement. But they don't know because you're not letting
Speaker 1: them know because you're not being you're not talking about
Speaker 1: your feelings. So that's what volnabilly come and is telling
Speaker 1: them about your feelings. So let's go back to the
Speaker 1: airplane example. Then do you think I should have gotten
Speaker 1: off the airplane had after not being thanked, should have
Speaker 1: turned to the woman who I let sit in my
Speaker 1: seat and said, you want me to thank you? No,
Speaker 1: you should have knitted in the butt in the beginnings.
Speaker 1: And honestly, I have long legs. But we can figure
Speaker 1: something out. But I really need to see. But I
Speaker 1: can help you find a better seat. You gotta because
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, once you tell her
Speaker 1: about your feeling, she's gonna get an answer to which
Speaker 1: to the solution. She's gonna give you the solutions you get.
Speaker 1: You're vulnerable, like this is how I feel, and I
Speaker 1: guess she's looking at it as um as a thing
Speaker 1: that she's moving to some other location. But if you
Speaker 1: open about your feelings about how you feel, then she's like,
Speaker 1: oh wait, this is actually a human and I'm kind
Speaker 1: of impacting them and maybe they're not most positive her information.
Speaker 1: She never had to good information change your situation. I
Speaker 1: guess the more you begin to humanize yourself to other people,
Speaker 1: the more they can make decisions that you could be
Speaker 1: like I remember my actual question like two weeks ago,
Speaker 1: and he was like, oh, man, I don't know, but
Speaker 1: you never gave me a direct answer. You kept me,
Speaker 1: you kept in general, and I'm like, Dane just make
Speaker 1: a decision. It's gonna be no, bro, this doesn't work
Speaker 1: for me. I'm like, great, I'm happy to do that
Speaker 1: for you. Okay, cool, we won't do it, but I
Speaker 1: understand you, so I knew how to move on. I
Speaker 1: appreciate you working with me. Yeah, it's about It's not
Speaker 1: about me, it's about we. It's an US thing. We think,
Speaker 1: not I think teamwork. But you got to be able
Speaker 1: to delegate and tell people the truth directly, like this
Speaker 1: is how I feel. Do you think that you're a
Speaker 1: decisive person now? And I am because I can't respond
Speaker 1: to my feelings and say this is what I want,
Speaker 1: this is what I don't want. How new is that?
Speaker 1: Is that within the past four years, as you've kind
Speaker 1: of begun to explore since the show. So what happened
Speaker 1: with the turning point for me in the show? That's
Speaker 1: when I got into it with everybody. Okay, then advantage
Speaker 1: of me so nice and so kind. But then I
Speaker 1: had to be tell how I felt and then they
Speaker 1: felt it, they got it, and that's when and I
Speaker 1: transform because I was holding on to my real film
Speaker 1: is my whole life because I grew up in environment
Speaker 1: that was negative. My mom didn't give me a film,
Speaker 1: you know, so I was just hold hold, hold damn
Speaker 1: when I let it out. Yeah, you kind of like
Speaker 1: allow yourself to be a dormat for so long because
Speaker 1: you know that's so uncomfortable. But at the same time,
Speaker 1: I feel like there's definitely a happy medium to make
Speaker 1: other people happy around you because you're I feel like,
Speaker 1: I feel like you especially, and and maybe the people
Speaker 1: that you surround yourself with are are more They're they're
Speaker 1: able to endure a lot more, right, Like, people are
Speaker 1: so fragile and vulnerable all the time. And I feel
Speaker 1: like as a strong individual like you or the people
Speaker 1: that you surround yourself by, like you're able to deal
Speaker 1: with more I guess tribulation than than the other person.
Speaker 1: So you're kind of willing to take a little bit
Speaker 1: more of the heat from for certain things, right, And
Speaker 1: so so when you look at it like that, you're
Speaker 1: able to justify by being like, Okay, like I'll take
Speaker 1: this hit because I don't think that they'll be able
Speaker 1: to handle it quite as well sort of thing. Right,
Speaker 1: But see, I was doing it because of what I
Speaker 1: wasn't getting, because I'm afraid I was going to lose
Speaker 1: people even though I am a nice person, I'm a
Speaker 1: given person, but I would have friends I wouldn't want
Speaker 1: to let go because I'm like, oh my god, I
Speaker 1: don't want to lose people. So I wouldn't be vulnerable
Speaker 1: enough to tell them why I had to move on
Speaker 1: on a relationship like the relationship prior to the show,
Speaker 1: I always made it makes sense why I was moving on,
Speaker 1: But I wasn't giving them my vulnerability because when I
Speaker 1: was feeling the love, I was running because I didn't
Speaker 1: understand it. But now I can go back and say, oh,
Speaker 1: I see what I was doing. I was protecting myself
Speaker 1: because I didn't have information about love. You did grow
Speaker 1: a lot, I mean just from a from an audience perspective,
Speaker 1: you'd grow a lot from Limo to Spain. Right, Man,
Speaker 1: it was transformed. I didn't perform. I transformed because it
Speaker 1: was necessary. Yeah, I think I think there's definitely something
Speaker 1: to say that conform and not transformed. You didn't really
Speaker 1: allow yourself to get kind of kind of caught up
Speaker 1: in everything after that moment of of the clarity in
Speaker 1: the mansion or whatever it was. But how has that
Speaker 1: kind of transformed your life post show? I know, You've
Speaker 1: probably done a million interviews like this, and I probably
Speaker 1: I hate to even ask, but like, how do you
Speaker 1: use that type of stuff to be more I guess
Speaker 1: embracing in a romantic relationship your friendship are getting better,
Speaker 1: of course, because you can be more decisive and you
Speaker 1: can be more clear about your own feelings. But how
Speaker 1: does that affect you more romantically? I guess I've just
Speaker 1: been open and honest. So where I'm at, what I
Speaker 1: want and what I need there's no in between this
Speaker 1: even this or that for me and as and I
Speaker 1: think again, as the audience members can remember as you
Speaker 1: fell in love for the first time meeting Rachel, So
Speaker 1: do you think that whole experience has allowed you and
Speaker 1: enabled you to to fall in love more deeply and
Speaker 1: more quickly or more? I guess I know how to
Speaker 1: get there now. I know how to get there. I
Speaker 1: can get there. I know how to go deep and
Speaker 1: fast if I have to. But I realized about me.
Speaker 1: I love heart, I love deep, like um, I'm even
Speaker 1: all indo, I'm not at all. I can't play the
Speaker 1: middle and so riot to the show. I was so
Speaker 1: intense with love and what I wanted that sometimes it's
Speaker 1: intimidating to some women because they don't understand it, like
Speaker 1: why is this are you too going to be true?
Speaker 1: Are you doing this because you want something from me?
Speaker 1: And then they always come back and I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: not there because they're not getting from anyone else, right,
Speaker 1: but emotional their emotional unavailable. I'm emotional, right, And so
Speaker 1: I'm learning how to not, you know, take a dial back,
Speaker 1: but just understand who I'm giving to, because I would
Speaker 1: give with no anticipation of getting back. I think that's
Speaker 1: I think that speaks a lot to You're not gonna
Speaker 1: waste your own time, but most importantly, you're not gonna
Speaker 1: waste someone else's time. And I think that's definitely a
Speaker 1: great quality to have, especially when trying to to find someone,
Speaker 1: whether you're dating casually, you're finding you know that the
Speaker 1: next wife or husband, wherever it is is, you're you're
Speaker 1: willing to dive in fully head first and commit yourself
Speaker 1: to that person emotionally. And I think that that's that's
Speaker 1: kind of sparse these days, and it's it's kind of lacking,
Speaker 1: and that's what I need emotion I don't know the
Speaker 1: tangible stuff. I need, intentional stuff for my love. That
Speaker 1: makes sense, But that's some when you have the five
Speaker 1: love languages, where some people what is your minds is
Speaker 1: acts of service and now and it's communication. Before was
Speaker 1: access service. And I believe no quality time. Quality time
Speaker 1: is big. I love spending time with people like I
Speaker 1: love it. That's I definitely. You know, I don't have
Speaker 1: to talk to a girl for a whole week if
Speaker 1: I spend one time, which I'm gonna make that time
Speaker 1: like it's forever. So the active service is kind of
Speaker 1: pretending to you want your emotions. I don't want a
Speaker 1: person to think about something. I want them to think
Speaker 1: about it before I have to think about So I know,
Speaker 1: Dean like water looking water, and I'm gonna give him
Speaker 1: some new vans and skateboards. But see that I'm happy man,
Speaker 1: and attention to him my wants and knees. I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh you did that for me? Whatout me? Because that
Speaker 1: means that they're caring even when they're not thinking attention
Speaker 1: to you, and they're making it about you in the
Speaker 1: moment that they're giving you love. And that's that's how
Speaker 1: I need to be loved. Um. Yeah, so I guess
Speaker 1: that brings us at the top of the podcast, I
Speaker 1: mentioned that this is the week of the anniversary of
Speaker 1: my mother passing away eleven years ago. This week, um,
Speaker 1: and I've traveled a lot this weekend and it's it's funny.
Speaker 1: So I had a lot of time to sit on
Speaker 1: the airplane basically by myself, listen to my music, a
Speaker 1: lot of self reflection, a lot of thinking, and honestly,
Speaker 1: I cried a lot on the airplane by myself multiple times.
Speaker 1: I think one of my connecting flights through Detroit, I
Speaker 1: was just sitting there and I like start bawling and like,
Speaker 1: look at the guy next to me, make sure he's
Speaker 1: not looking at me. And i take my next flight
Speaker 1: to Edmonton and I'm like, I start crying and in
Speaker 1: my why am I crying? And I was like thinking
Speaker 1: about this, and I actually wanted to bring it up.
Speaker 1: And I think you're the perfect person to bring it
Speaker 1: up with because you can kind of diagnose it a
Speaker 1: little bit. I was looking back at my childhood in
Speaker 1: my relationship with my mother, and I think that at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, I had incredibly strong attachment
Speaker 1: issues to her. I would get I would get to
Speaker 1: the point where I don't think I was able to
Speaker 1: sleep over at friends houses until I was like twelve
Speaker 1: or thirteen years old because I was so afraid of
Speaker 1: being away from her. It got to the point where
Speaker 1: she would call me and leave me voicemails after she
Speaker 1: was initially diagnosed, and I would save those voicemails for
Speaker 1: years and years and years, um, just so I would
Speaker 1: always have like an outlet to hear her voice whenever
Speaker 1: I wanted to hear it. And let's see, I was
Speaker 1: trying to think of what else I was kind of
Speaker 1: thinking about. UM, I guess I wanted to touch on
Speaker 1: a little bit about that. And this is kind of
Speaker 1: off topic about like what it takes to be a
Speaker 1: good child, right, So I was thinking about back when
Speaker 1: my mother got her breast back to me when I
Speaker 1: was eleven, to kind of combat the breast cancer that
Speaker 1: she had, UM, and how I don't think that I
Speaker 1: wasn't necessarily there for her emotionally. I was kind of
Speaker 1: like off the cuff about it, and I wasn't as
Speaker 1: supportive of as I wanted to be. And then I
Speaker 1: remember her getting her going through her chemo process. She
Speaker 1: was bald, and she was very self conscious about the
Speaker 1: way that she looked because she, you know, spent her
Speaker 1: entire life having this long hair and she just didn't
Speaker 1: have it anymore. I remember like looking at her her
Speaker 1: and she was like thinking, she's like, oh, like I
Speaker 1: feel so bad, like uncomfortable, my moskain. I remember like
Speaker 1: looking at hers, like, mom, you're so beautiful, like you're bald,
Speaker 1: and you're still like the most beautiful woman the entire world.
Speaker 1: And I feel like as as I went through the
Speaker 1: phases of her illness personally, starting off as being very
Speaker 1: jovial and kind of off the cuff about it, I
Speaker 1: transitioned into being very emotionally there for her. Like she
Speaker 1: worked a night job from I would say she worked
Speaker 1: from like eleven pm until seven am every week. She
Speaker 1: owned her own cleaning business. That way she could spend
Speaker 1: the days with the kids, and I would I would
Speaker 1: constantly go to her to work with her, so I
Speaker 1: could like just spend more time with her before because
Speaker 1: she was very clear of kind of the ah, the
Speaker 1: the end that was that was quickly approaching, and I
Speaker 1: was a little bit less aware about it. Um but yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess too to all of that, I kind of
Speaker 1: came to this realization throughout this the traveling this past weekend,
Speaker 1: and um, I do get emotional this time of year
Speaker 1: every year that I did have very strong, like emotional
Speaker 1: attachment to her, like stronger than I could really think of.
Speaker 1: And I guess I just don't really know how that
Speaker 1: translates into my love life now if if so at all? So,
Speaker 1: I think usually you know, as men, we craved the
Speaker 1: love that my mom gave us. H mom is so
Speaker 1: I think for you in a relationship, you need that
Speaker 1: attachment you had to your mom. You need someone to
Speaker 1: love you like that because that's gonna make you. You're
Speaker 1: gonna have to respond to them because they've given you
Speaker 1: what you always gave your mom was strong emotions. And
Speaker 1: so I think that's more the fear because you don't
Speaker 1: know if someone can be that potent, on that powerful
Speaker 1: when it comes to that. But you know how you
Speaker 1: get to that point, You know how you just said
Speaker 1: this whole week you were crying and you emotional. That's
Speaker 1: how you get to that point with a female. You
Speaker 1: show her that. And when you show her that, she
Speaker 1: has to give you that. But what if she doesn't.
Speaker 1: What if it's a person that I really enjoy spending
Speaker 1: time with, like I've see the signs of myself young
Speaker 1: in love with someone, right, and I opened up about
Speaker 1: something like that, like that maybe like the most important
Speaker 1: thing to me in my life for like the most
Speaker 1: emotional experience I've ever had, right, And and they don't
Speaker 1: give me the love back that I need them to,
Speaker 1: then what's what does that tell me about that relationship?
Speaker 1: But what is the love you're looking for? Is that
Speaker 1: the question? Maybe someone like that that can sympathize and
Speaker 1: like be like it's gonna be okay, Like I'm here
Speaker 1: for you. I don't understand. I can see where you're
Speaker 1: going through, like I'm here for you that type of stuff,
Speaker 1: like say that maybe I need more, like say I'm
Speaker 1: not getting what I think I need from it, you know,
Speaker 1: and that only the only that capacity. But again it's
Speaker 1: like such a big part of who I've become today,
Speaker 1: and so like that should that be a signal as
Speaker 1: to whether it's a relationship worth continuing? If you're understanding
Speaker 1: that's that's major for you. What that's like, that's a
Speaker 1: that's it Like if you don't, it's like, if you
Speaker 1: don't have that portion of the relationship, it's not going
Speaker 1: to evolve that's important. You need that for your livelihood,
Speaker 1: for your health, for your well being, because in relationships,
Speaker 1: the reason relationships won't work for some people because they're
Speaker 1: getting at once, but they're not getting their needs. So
Speaker 1: a person might you know, Sally over here might be
Speaker 1: most know but Jack is not right. But Jack might
Speaker 1: be intimate and Sally's not so now, and they're missing
Speaker 1: each other because their needs are not getting mad at.
Speaker 1: That's a need for you in a relationship, But the
Speaker 1: only way to get that fulfilled if you have to
Speaker 1: communicate that to the person that this is a need,
Speaker 1: this is a priority. I need these relationships like me.
Speaker 1: I need someone who can stimulate my mental someone who
Speaker 1: is emotional like because I feel like, oh, they're there.
Speaker 1: But back to your point about the love languages, the
Speaker 1: acts of service. You want someone to be there without
Speaker 1: you having to you having to tell them that you
Speaker 1: need them to be there, right, So in this instance,
Speaker 1: it's like I kind of want someone to want to
Speaker 1: be there instead of me having to be like I
Speaker 1: need you to be here from me. I want that
Speaker 1: person that comes to me and be like, hey, I
Speaker 1: know this is a difficult time for you. I know
Speaker 1: you're struggling with this. I know you're emotional and I'm
Speaker 1: here for you, like I want to talk about it.
Speaker 1: I don't want to to go to that person and
Speaker 1: be like hey, like can you can you be here
Speaker 1: for me? Like I want someone to go out on
Speaker 1: their own and kind of kind of like understand that's
Speaker 1: what I need to that moment. You know, right, Well,
Speaker 1: you have to communicate that because sometimes as men, we
Speaker 1: can show that we might not need that, but we
Speaker 1: really want it because we is even ego pride or
Speaker 1: we're too masculine to let someone in and let it. No.
Speaker 1: So when you communicate that now, and that's on them none.
Speaker 1: If they don't show you that, you don't gotta directly communicative,
Speaker 1: they would just pick up on it if they're aware enough.
Speaker 1: But they have to know at some point because they
Speaker 1: look at you like all things. A handsome guy, he's
Speaker 1: talk you can get whatever he wants. You know, he's strong,
Speaker 1: but inside you might be hurt, you know. So it's
Speaker 1: all about communication. Communication is key. Communication rules the nation.
Speaker 1: Like what we're doing here, we're communicating you know, yeah, um,
Speaker 1: but no anysy saying and remind us because you didn't
Speaker 1: have necessarily strong relationship with your mother going on, and
Speaker 1: it was very Yeah, it was I didn't get no emotions.
Speaker 1: I didn't my mom didn't how was your day, son
Speaker 1: or or I didn't get the feedback. I didn't get
Speaker 1: emotional support. So she did the physical, she she shed,
Speaker 1: no provided foods, she took when your school. You know,
Speaker 1: she paid this and that. You know, she showed me
Speaker 1: mannerisms and you should do this and do that, car this,
Speaker 1: mr and mrs. But I didn't get the intimate conversations
Speaker 1: that we're having right now until the show, right, But
Speaker 1: that's how that's how I broke through because eight months
Speaker 1: prior to the show, we started having these crucial conversations
Speaker 1: about mom, you can't keep doing this to me. And
Speaker 1: I didn't want to have an unhealthy conversation with my mom.
Speaker 1: But this is the thing people have to understand that
Speaker 1: in order to have healthy relationships, you gotta have unhealthy conversations.
Speaker 1: Unhealthy conversation is nothing but crucial conversations talking about the
Speaker 1: things you don't want to talk about. So, how's your
Speaker 1: relationship with her progressed the post show? Oh yeah, because
Speaker 1: we have more clearly, have more understand and that's what
Speaker 1: you know what I was missing from her information like
Speaker 1: why she was doing what she was doing. She said, Mom,
Speaker 1: you had me at twenty one. Where were you going through?
Speaker 1: How did that make you feel? And I said, I'm
Speaker 1: always You're my mom. I love you unconditionally and I
Speaker 1: forgive you. I don't hold it agains you because if
Speaker 1: it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be here today. You
Speaker 1: made me who I am today because you didn't allow
Speaker 1: me to depend on a female to do everything. You
Speaker 1: allow me to go and be a man at an
Speaker 1: early age and grow up. Who who was your emotional
Speaker 1: as a child? Was your aunt? I think? Right? No, no, no,
Speaker 1: I really when we have an emotional that it was
Speaker 1: just basketball. That's more. Really like saved my life because
Speaker 1: it gave me. I created friends, I got attention. I
Speaker 1: did good in school, so the thing about me I
Speaker 1: was good and my environment of my environment was bad.
Speaker 1: So all the kids will be doing negative things were
Speaker 1: getting all attention. I was doing the positive things and
Speaker 1: I wasn't getting attention because if you're get in trouble,
Speaker 1: you go, you know, you gotta pay attention to them.
Speaker 1: But I was a good kid. I was responsible, so
Speaker 1: that Eric's fine, He's cool. But Eric needed a lot
Speaker 1: of love and I wasn't getting it. But I had
Speaker 1: to grow up and I figured out my mom was
Speaker 1: going through something. And I also learned from some of
Speaker 1: my family and they don't know how to give emotional
Speaker 1: support because they didn't get it. So I couldn't blame
Speaker 1: them like a perpetual sec Basically, what I was, what
Speaker 1: I'm doing is breaking the curse we're getting, you know,
Speaker 1: That's what it's about. It from conversation inmation with your
Speaker 1: dad or with your mother in law. You gotta have
Speaker 1: these conversations because they have information about genetics. You know,
Speaker 1: people have cancer that's hereditary. You know, have heart problems.
Speaker 1: But if you don't have information from your family, you
Speaker 1: can't better the circumstances the situation. You don't know like, oh,
Speaker 1: I didn't know this was the thing for our family. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know there are times too, and I've talked about
Speaker 1: this a little bit openly. I so I still don't
Speaker 1: have a relationship with my father at all. He texted
Speaker 1: me for the first time post show two days ago
Speaker 1: and he said, Hey, I have an eight under our
Speaker 1: bill from Rising. Uh is this your fault and I
Speaker 1: said no, and then that was the end of it.
Speaker 1: So he still don't have a relationship, right but and
Speaker 1: I just it still irks me the wrong like reubs
Speaker 1: me the wrong way when he reaches out first thing
Speaker 1: saying something like that, because I wanted to be more
Speaker 1: like hey, so I'm like, how are you? What's going on? Um?
Speaker 1: And I do kind of resent myself at certain times
Speaker 1: for not being more inclined to spark the relationship with
Speaker 1: him like you did with your mother. I think that's great.
Speaker 1: So me and my dad, my dad apologized to me.
Speaker 1: I could have cried on national TV. It threw me
Speaker 1: off in the morning, like what he apologized on TV
Speaker 1: after you on TV if the clip you see the
Speaker 1: clip he apologized in a moment, And I would relationship
Speaker 1: prior to that wasn't the best because he wasn't there
Speaker 1: either like I wanted him to be. I didn't have guidance.
Speaker 1: He was a provider, but he wasn't a guider. You
Speaker 1: give me a sneakers. Even the video games, he didn't
Speaker 1: spend time. He would come on my games. E dude,
Speaker 1: this is I'm like, Dad, you never even tak me
Speaker 1: no basketball court to show me that. So what are
Speaker 1: you saying, like, I can I listen, But you gotta
Speaker 1: understand where he's at. So you gotta help him. Help
Speaker 1: you help y'all because he's already in an age where
Speaker 1: he don't really want to break his ethics or what
Speaker 1: he believes in. So you just gotta give him love
Speaker 1: because what if he's gone tomorrow, then what you don't
Speaker 1: want to have that conversation. So it is bigger than
Speaker 1: the both of y'alls, is for the generations, for the family.
Speaker 1: So you gotta find a way to have a healthy
Speaker 1: conversation or just even if you're like dad, I thought
Speaker 1: about this. This made me think of you watched this movie,
Speaker 1: or I have a company that's giving me these bracelets,
Speaker 1: take these ways, Oh take this movement. Watch you gotta
Speaker 1: break the ice? Is your dad bro? All right? So
Speaker 1: let me ask for some advice on this topic then.
Speaker 1: So yeah, So when my mother passed away, right before
Speaker 1: she passed away, since we were planning, we we kind
Speaker 1: of knew it was coming, right, she said, I want
Speaker 1: to be cremated and I want ashes to be scattered
Speaker 1: in Hawaii. I want you this guy to them as
Speaker 1: a family, right and it's been eleven years. So I
Speaker 1: we've had my mother's ashes for you know, eleven years
Speaker 1: of almost over a decade, which is bad enough itself.
Speaker 1: But this year, um, I finally have enough money, so
Speaker 1: I'm I'm taking it upon myself to fly myself and
Speaker 1: my three siblings out to Hawaii over So her birthday
Speaker 1: is Christmas Christmas Day, so we're gonna fly out there
Speaker 1: over Christmas scatter them on top of volcano on Christmas Day.
Speaker 1: But I still haven't really had a conversation with my father, right.
Speaker 1: I've talked to my siblings about it. They're like, no,
Speaker 1: I don't invite Dad. He's just gonna, like solely the trip.
Speaker 1: He's gonna make it worse. But at the same time,
Speaker 1: I feel like he has every right to be there
Speaker 1: because he was the husband of my mother. Right, So,
Speaker 1: how do you think I should go about that? Do
Speaker 1: you think it should be like the amending process? Do
Speaker 1: you think I should reach out to him and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: this is my idea, we're doing it. You you have
Speaker 1: the opportunity to come if you want to, but we
Speaker 1: understand you you don't necessarily have to if you don't
Speaker 1: want to tell him. Yeah, and give him an opportunity
Speaker 1: to come. If he doesn't come, this not on you,
Speaker 1: that's on him, because this is the thing. If you
Speaker 1: go and you don't tell him, you're going to feel
Speaker 1: bad at and today once you leave there, because it's information,
Speaker 1: so he has to think about it. You get. It's like, well,
Speaker 1: I told my friend he shouldn't drink and drive and
Speaker 1: something happens. At least you told him, But if you
Speaker 1: don't tell him, you got to think about I didn't
Speaker 1: even tell him that. The challenging thing with that too
Speaker 1: is talking to both of my brothers, They're like, no,
Speaker 1: don't invite him. Why would you invite him. He's just
Speaker 1: gonna make the trip so much worse. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: I know that, but I still think. You think because
Speaker 1: his energy, you gotta think his energy and your mom's
Speaker 1: energy created y'all. So give him the benefit of doubt
Speaker 1: and the opportunity to maybe that might change him. Maybe
Speaker 1: he's going through something, or he didn't give over his
Speaker 1: fears or his baggage where he's been through. Like, try
Speaker 1: to understand who you're that really is not who you
Speaker 1: think he is. Because sometimes we put expectation on our parents.
Speaker 1: How we see life, but how is life for them
Speaker 1: growing up? Raising you? You don't really know. So it's
Speaker 1: all about seeking to understand them, to be understood because
Speaker 1: right now the kids, we always want to be understood,
Speaker 1: like mom, dad, you should understand I'm your kid, you
Speaker 1: made me. But sometimes they need need to take it
Speaker 1: back and understand him. A good point. They might be
Speaker 1: going through something. I guess up until the point they
Speaker 1: had us in probably about ten years after that point,
Speaker 1: we don't really understand who they were as a person,
Speaker 1: right because we also remembering until we're ten years old. Anyway,
Speaker 1: right becau is we're putting them in this box. You're
Speaker 1: my parent, you should do this all up. Your parent
Speaker 1: is a person. There have fallacies and rules and they
Speaker 1: go through life too. They're not perfect. So it's about
Speaker 1: understanding where what is this behavior coming from? Why am
Speaker 1: I not getting this? Well, maybe your dad didn't get it,
Speaker 1: or maybe your mom leaven really hurt him. I mean,
Speaker 1: who knows. But if you don't have the information, no,
Speaker 1: you can't really just put judgment on him and say
Speaker 1: you're a bad person, you didn't do this. It's all
Speaker 1: about love, right at the end of the day, it's
Speaker 1: all about love. Forget the money, if you get the fame,
Speaker 1: forget anything. It's all about love. This is love right here.
Speaker 1: We got love bro like from a show because we
Speaker 1: were trying to find love. No, seriously, this love is
Speaker 1: changing our life. We want to show for love and
Speaker 1: its changed our life. How crazy is that? For the better? Absolutely? Absolutely?
Speaker 1: All right? I think. I think you're right. I think,
Speaker 1: but let's look. Tell him it's not up to what
Speaker 1: he does, that's on him. You just tell him like,
Speaker 1: this is what's happening. You're welcome to come, absolutely what
Speaker 1: you want, because you gotta take You gotta be the leader.
Speaker 1: You gotta be to that. That the father, because he'd
Speaker 1: be the fire sign. Yes, the leader, her dominant. Alright,
Speaker 1: we'll circle back on that. I guess after I invite
Speaker 1: him and see what he says. Yeah, he might be
Speaker 1: a life change in the spurs and you might get
Speaker 1: a photo and like, hey, we did it. Yeah. So
Speaker 1: with all these afflictions, I guess that we all experience
Speaker 1: his children, especially through our parents. UM a good close
Speaker 1: friend of ours that we met through this season, Kenny
Speaker 1: King actually lost his mother today as well, Um due
Speaker 1: to cancer. So please send your thoughts, thoughts and prayers
Speaker 1: out to him and his family. Um, it definitely cannot
Speaker 1: be an easy time. And you know, no matter what
Speaker 1: age you are, no matter what how old you are,
Speaker 1: when you lose the parents never easy. And uh I
Speaker 1: feel I feel awful for that. I just got news
Speaker 1: of that too. So, UM, Kenny, we love you. Yeah, man,
Speaker 1: we love you. Bro might be the might be the
Speaker 1: most unconditionally loved person coming out of the house. A great,
Speaker 1: great guy. And you have information because you've you've been
Speaker 1: in this process, so you would be able to help
Speaker 1: him throughout this. His face. Yeah, that's something you can share.
Speaker 1: It's it's so interesting too because he's got such a
Speaker 1: strong exterior to but you we've seen the vulneraboth side
Speaker 1: of him. Um. Great guy. But Kenny, we love you.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry about that. Um all right, Well, so I
Speaker 1: don't really know how to transition into this, but well,
Speaker 1: the opposite of all of this, I guess sadness is fun, right,
Speaker 1: maybe a little bit of fab, maybe a little bit
Speaker 1: of fit. Put it all together, you get fab, fit fun.
Speaker 1: We've talked about it before, We're probably gonna talk about
Speaker 1: it a lot more. That's just how fantastic it is.
Speaker 1: You guys all know that fab fit Fun basically sends
Speaker 1: you the latest in beauty and fashion, fitness and wellness
Speaker 1: every single season, once every three months, depending on the season, fall, Spring, summer, Winter,
Speaker 1: They're going to personally cater a box to you and
Speaker 1: what you might need for that month. So, for example,
Speaker 1: some of the products that you would get in this
Speaker 1: season's box would be the Summer in Rows black fold
Speaker 1: over clutch, which I actually gave it as a gift
Speaker 1: to one of my friends and she's obsessed with it.
Speaker 1: The Sterling Forever wishbone necklace, which is beautiful, the Spongeel
Speaker 1: body wash and fuse buffer, and French lavender which smells delicious.
Speaker 1: I gave it to my roommate's girlfriend. She's always over
Speaker 1: the house. I always compliment her on on how good
Speaker 1: she smells, and I think it's because of this nixt
Speaker 1: that I know it's because of the sponge Ol body washing,
Speaker 1: fuse buffer. Um what else do you get? You get
Speaker 1: the Himalayan Pink Salt kit, which I gave to my roommate.
Speaker 1: He loves cooking. It makes the sticks that he he
Speaker 1: cooks on the grill. Just fantastic. Um, the Anderson Lily
Speaker 1: Body oil, all good stuff, all incredible at at an
Speaker 1: incredible value. Um. I mentioned this last week. You get
Speaker 1: the box typically per season, but for you it's even less.
Speaker 1: If you go to fab fit fund dot com and
Speaker 1: use promo code Dean that's d e A N. You
Speaker 1: get ten dollars off your very first box. So every
Speaker 1: box is coming with over value. You're getting it for
Speaker 1: your very first season. And again you get so much
Speaker 1: incredible stuff. Last season has had this incredible scarf that
Speaker 1: I literally sleep with every single night, so soft. So
Speaker 1: again that's fab fit fun dot com. And if you
Speaker 1: use promo code Dean, you get ten dollars off your
Speaker 1: very first box. So don't forget to jump on their
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Speaker 1: So on last week's episode, we propose the question do
Speaker 1: you suck at dating if you only text the person
Speaker 1: that you're dating. We got a couple of great emails
Speaker 1: we're gonna have market the producer read a few of
Speaker 1: them for us and UH talk about them a little bit.
Speaker 1: Thank you very much. This is from Janey. Hey Dean,
Speaker 1: I personally think that you do suck at dating if
Speaker 1: you only text the other person. Speaking from experience, things
Speaker 1: are so easily lost in translation from when texting. For example,
Speaker 1: a tone of voice can be misconstrued all the time.
Speaker 1: I also feel like it would be really difficult to
Speaker 1: connect with someone on a deeper level if you're just texting,
Speaker 1: you wouldn't be emotionally involved in each other. Um, Eric,
Speaker 1: what do you think? Ah? Yeah, I feel like texting
Speaker 1: if you're just taking someone and you're dating him, I
Speaker 1: think that's not enough. But a relationship to be promising.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think intimate connection then you know, Brent,
Speaker 1: being someone's energy is important, don't you think. I mean,
Speaker 1: think about if we just text our whole friendship. I
Speaker 1: think to me, there are two avenues to communication within
Speaker 1: a relationship when you're not face to face with them,
Speaker 1: And a lot of it is fillers throughout the day
Speaker 1: texting like Hey, what are you doing? I'm doing this?
Speaker 1: What are you doing? Later? I'm doing this? What are
Speaker 1: you doing for dinner? That stuff is all carried over
Speaker 1: via text. I think that there's a very important aspect
Speaker 1: of a relationship that maybe it is fleeting a little
Speaker 1: bit nowadays, which is the phone component. Like I'm personally
Speaker 1: working on face timing a lot more because you kind
Speaker 1: of have that that obviously a face to face um,
Speaker 1: and that's kind of when you can have the deeper conversations, right,
Speaker 1: maybe you not necessarily the fluff that you have throughout
Speaker 1: the day, and just you know, hear someone's voice if
Speaker 1: you just call, the vibration of someone's voicing your ear
Speaker 1: that you love and you into can change your day. Like, man,
Speaker 1: I just think about you all day. I just want
Speaker 1: to hear your voice. Hold on as well, you know,
Speaker 1: have a great week, great day. That's important, even if
Speaker 1: it's five minutes. And then that can lead to you
Speaker 1: know what, let's hang off this weekend and then you
Speaker 1: only have to text because I just called you for
Speaker 1: five minutes and then we made a date for the
Speaker 1: weekend because I voice. I think a lot of it
Speaker 1: boils down to what do you plan on getting out
Speaker 1: of the dating relationship that you're in. Right. If you're
Speaker 1: looking to just date casually, then texting every day is
Speaker 1: going to basically fulfill what you're looking for. But if
Speaker 1: you're looking for a more meaningful relationship, than you want
Speaker 1: to call them and FaceTime and have those deeper conversations
Speaker 1: with them. One of the producers in the studio last
Speaker 1: week mentioned that some of the guys only text her,
Speaker 1: but one one guy called her. She didn't answer. He
Speaker 1: left a voicemail even and that sparked her interests so
Speaker 1: much more than it would have otherwise. Instead of just texting,
Speaker 1: she heard his voice. He made the the initiative, took
Speaker 1: the initiative, made the phone call, didn't even get an answer,
Speaker 1: left a voicemail, which then allowed them to to kind
Speaker 1: of go pursue a relationship from there. So I think
Speaker 1: there's a lot to be said about moving past just
Speaker 1: the texting of it's more intimate and I'm making you
Speaker 1: a priority through a phone call. On the text, anybody
Speaker 1: can text, but a lot of people don't talk on
Speaker 1: the phone, I personally, So I think I've talked about
Speaker 1: this in past episodes. I'm not much of a phone talker.
Speaker 1: I get whenever I got a phone call most most
Speaker 1: of me says, don't answer it, just because I don't
Speaker 1: like talking on the phone, whether even if it's just
Speaker 1: like a friend or like my brother or something like that,
Speaker 1: Like I don't really feel like talking right now. But
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, you do get a
Speaker 1: lot more out of I'm called and just texting. So yeah,
Speaker 1: this is from Tera. Hey Dean, Hey, Hey, Tera, what's
Speaker 1: up girl? In my opinion, texting is convenient for all parties,
Speaker 1: and it's the easiest way to stay consistent. People naturally
Speaker 1: hate it when they don't get a response, so it's
Speaker 1: easy to respond through text than to find time to call.
Speaker 1: But here's your question. When you're dating someone, is it
Speaker 1: appropriate to text or communicate with your ex boyfriend or
Speaker 1: ex girlfriend or any other girl guy outside of the relationship.
Speaker 1: I respect that the people I date may have friends
Speaker 1: of the opposite sex, but is it necessary to invest
Speaker 1: in conversations with people you may have had feelings for
Speaker 1: or relations with in the past. Help. I don't want
Speaker 1: to suck a relationship. I love it. That's actually a
Speaker 1: great question. I think that a lot of that comes
Speaker 1: down to boundaries in conversations. Right. So, I personally enjoy
Speaker 1: having friendships with my former girlfriends, but I can understand
Speaker 1: how that could be off putting for someone that I'm dating.
Speaker 1: On the other hand, if a girl that I'm dating
Speaker 1: or talking to is talking to her ex boyfriend frequently,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't I would hate that. So maybe that's a
Speaker 1: silly double standard that I'm not even recognized that you
Speaker 1: voiced that if you're in a relationship, absolutely, what do
Speaker 1: you think? Yeah, I mean, I think you gotta gotta
Speaker 1: be open. So I trust myself to trust my partner
Speaker 1: person i'm dating to say, you know what, if you've
Speaker 1: been with this person for this long, I'm gonna give
Speaker 1: you to be in a doubt to see if I
Speaker 1: can really trust you and put it on them. I
Speaker 1: think I think that comes to because I think if
Speaker 1: you're always telling not then then your insecurities are coming up.
Speaker 1: And then now you're making it hard for her to
Speaker 1: be herself. You know, you don't want to deprive of
Speaker 1: of being her because then a relationship is like okay,
Speaker 1: and she might you know, submit to not doing that,
Speaker 1: but then she might not be feel free when she's
Speaker 1: not she was with guys. That makes sense. I think
Speaker 1: the person you're dating to be comfortable outside of you
Speaker 1: if it's another guy involved. I think to your point, though,
Speaker 1: I trust myself with every with all those relationships, right,
Speaker 1: So say I'm talking to an ex girlfriend while I'm
Speaker 1: getting someone else, I trust myself out to give into
Speaker 1: anything that my ex girlfriend is doing or saying whatever
Speaker 1: it is. But I don't necessarily know if I can
Speaker 1: trust the other person to do the same. So maybe
Speaker 1: that's kind of where that mindset comes for me. The
Speaker 1: question would be why I just think that if you
Speaker 1: can do the same, but you don't think they can
Speaker 1: do the same. Why, I mean I think that you
Speaker 1: just you just can't trust someone holy and so cold
Speaker 1: that and and just like it's hard to trust someone
Speaker 1: holy as as as soon as you meet them, right,
Speaker 1: you kind of have to build that trust over time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So I don't know. I'm just saying, like I trust
Speaker 1: myself boundaries for sure. But at the same time, I
Speaker 1: don't want to, you know, own you and say you
Speaker 1: can't just like no, live your life because it's gonna
Speaker 1: be times where I don't want you in my space
Speaker 1: and I don't want to be free and have some
Speaker 1: feminine energy. That's friends as well as that person, I think.
Speaker 1: I think a negative quality of being a significant other
Speaker 1: is to be restricting, Right, You don't want to restrict
Speaker 1: someone from talking to someone or being like I said
Speaker 1: this want in order to be me, I have to
Speaker 1: be free free, That's that's your mantra. All right, well,
Speaker 1: thank you for writing those emails in UM, I think
Speaker 1: there's still a lot left to be said about do
Speaker 1: you suck at dating if you only tech? I think
Speaker 1: there's a lot more layers to that. Next week we're
Speaker 1: gonna ask the question, do you suck at dating if
Speaker 1: you don't take the initiative to make plans yourself? And
Speaker 1: my perspective is I love it when someone is able
Speaker 1: to take the initiative and make plans for us because
Speaker 1: I think back to what Eric was talking about earlier.
Speaker 1: I like when someone can kind of provide structure to
Speaker 1: the week in terms of the relationship, right. I want
Speaker 1: someone to be like, let's do dinner this day at
Speaker 1: this time, you're coming, you meet me there, pick me up,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. UM. So that's what we're gonna talk
Speaker 1: about next week. Do you suck at dating if you
Speaker 1: don't take the initiative? Email your thoughts, your concerns, your stories,
Speaker 1: whatever it is too. I suck at dating at I
Speaker 1: Heart media dot com. I'd like to give one more
Speaker 1: big thank you to Eric Bigger for being in studio today.
Speaker 1: Thanks for having me. Also, Dane coming up and have
Speaker 1: you on my podcast. I love that out me out,
Speaker 1: figure it out. I don't know why I could help
Speaker 1: you out with I think you got me pretty much
Speaker 1: beating all areas. But you in a podcast where else?
Speaker 1: So you know what you're doing, budd, You're great at this.
Speaker 1: You're the man. I always love to hear your perspective
Speaker 1: because it is so unique, and yet you're still so
Speaker 1: passionate about it, which I just I think it's rare
Speaker 1: to come by these days. So it's definitely great to
Speaker 1: get you in here talk about that a little bit.
Speaker 1: Um So. This was episode five of Help I Suck
Speaker 1: at Dating. I'm Dean Anglert and next week I hope
Speaker 1: to suck a little bit less. Follow Help I Suck
Speaker 1: At Dating with Dean Anglert on I Heart Radio or
Speaker 1: subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.