Speaker 1: Pushkin. Hello, Hello, Malcolm Glabell Here, I have an important announcement.
Speaker 1: In this season of revisionist history. I'm launching a massive
Speaker 1: frontal assault on the Walt Disney Company's animated blockbuster, The
Speaker 1: Little Mermaid. I know what you're saying, Malcolm, what are
Speaker 1: you doing? It's a children's classic, a young mermaid falls
Speaker 1: in love and finds her voice. No, it's not a classic.
Speaker 1: It's a cinematic dumpster fire. And we devote no fewer
Speaker 1: than three episodes to explaining why we got so carried
Speaker 1: away that we ended up putting together an all star
Speaker 1: team to make our own version of The Little Mermaid,
Speaker 1: featuring Ready Dak Shepherd, Britt Marling, Jody Foster, and Glenn Close.
Speaker 1: Here's an exclusive preview, starting with our writer and narrator
Speaker 1: Britt Marling. We're trying to give the feeling of what
Speaker 1: is possible and then, well, you know, I'd like to
Speaker 1: see whether we can create a ground swell, public ground
Speaker 1: swell among nine year old girls in this country for
Speaker 1: a better version of Little Mermaid, retelling the real one. Yes, yes, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: So with that, may I present The Little Mermaid two
Speaker 1: point zero, written and narrated by Britt Marling. Ariel grabs
Speaker 1: onto a portal window. She hoists herself out of the sea,
Speaker 1: scales the side of the ship toward the deck. The
Speaker 1: final bars of cannon Indie float down from above as
Speaker 1: Aeriel ascends. Do you, Prince Eric, take Ursula to have
Speaker 1: and to hold in sickness and in health for as
Speaker 1: long as you bow shall live. Ariel throws one leg
Speaker 1: over the starboard, railing The guests, enraptured by the perfection
Speaker 1: of the bride and groom, don't even notice her arrival.
Speaker 1: Eric looks deep into Ursula's eyes, hypnotized, I do and
Speaker 1: do you Ursula? Take Prince Eric. Ariel, soaking wet, breathed,
Speaker 1: and seeweed right in the face, charges forward, leaps onto
Speaker 1: the stage, heads right for the couple to be like
Speaker 1: a charging bull. The guests gasp at this invasion, A
Speaker 1: scorned woman come to sabotage the wedding to throw Eric's
Speaker 1: fiance overboard. Ariel barrels forward, arms outstretched, and just when
Speaker 1: it seems like Ariel might strike Ursula, she collides with
Speaker 1: her in an embrace full of feeling. The guest's jaws
Speaker 1: drop God in heaven. Ursula shocked, disgusted, lets the mask
Speaker 1: of perfect bride slip, her true voice laced with bitterness.
Speaker 1: Get get off me, you fool. Ursula tries to extricate
Speaker 1: herself from Ariel's arms, but Ariel holds on with a
Speaker 1: strength of heart impossible to unravel. Ariel, what are you doing?
Speaker 1: Everyone looks on in a shock at this truly bizarre scene.
Speaker 1: One woman hugging another woman who wriggles squirms, fights to
Speaker 1: escape this embrace, but cannot break it and also seems
Speaker 1: to not really want to, the force of Ariela's kindness
Speaker 1: gains the power of actual magic, and the shell around
Speaker 1: Ursula's neck that holds Ariel's voice begins to glow, hum
Speaker 1: tog away from Ursula as if possessed, and move toward Ariel.
Speaker 1: Stop stop, stop, I said, But Ariel doesn't stop. By
Speaker 1: the heat of Ariel's love, Ursula begins to transform back
Speaker 1: into her original form. Her slender limbs morphin thick, barnacle
Speaker 1: covered tentacles, her wedding dress burst at the themes to
Speaker 1: reveal her sea slick octopus body. A woman in the
Speaker 1: audience screams, shrilly, good, God, disgust. What is she? Children
Speaker 1: cower under their seats. Grown men back away in horror.
Speaker 1: Eric stumbles and nearly falls over. Oh oh, I almost
Speaker 1: married an octopus? Well does Eric marry the octopus? What
Speaker 1: will Ariel do with Ursula? And who is the voice
Speaker 1: of that dashing priest? If you want to find out,
Speaker 1: go here. All three Little Mermaid episodes in the Revisionist
Speaker 1: History Feed, available wherever you get your podcasts.