WEBVTT - Revisionist History vs. The Little Mermaid 

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<v Speaker 1>Pushkin. Hello, Hello, Malcolm Glabell Here, I have an important announcement.

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<v Speaker 1>In this season of revisionist history. I'm launching a massive

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<v Speaker 1>frontal assault on the Walt Disney Company's animated blockbuster, The

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<v Speaker 1>Little Mermaid. I know what you're saying, Malcolm, what are

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<v Speaker 1>you doing? It's a children's classic, a young mermaid falls

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<v Speaker 1>in love and finds her voice. No, it's not a classic.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a cinematic dumpster fire. And we devote no fewer

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<v Speaker 1>than three episodes to explaining why we got so carried

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<v Speaker 1>away that we ended up putting together an all star

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<v Speaker 1>team to make our own version of The Little Mermaid,

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<v Speaker 1>featuring Ready Dak Shepherd, Britt Marling, Jody Foster, and Glenn Close.

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<v Speaker 1>Here's an exclusive preview, starting with our writer and narrator

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<v Speaker 1>Britt Marling. We're trying to give the feeling of what

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<v Speaker 1>is possible and then, well, you know, I'd like to

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<v Speaker 1>see whether we can create a ground swell, public ground

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<v Speaker 1>swell among nine year old girls in this country for

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<v Speaker 1>a better version of Little Mermaid, retelling the real one. Yes, yes, yes, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>So with that, may I present The Little Mermaid two

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<v Speaker 1>point zero, written and narrated by Britt Marling. Ariel grabs

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<v Speaker 1>onto a portal window. She hoists herself out of the sea,

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<v Speaker 1>scales the side of the ship toward the deck. The

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<v Speaker 1>final bars of cannon Indie float down from above as

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<v Speaker 1>Aeriel ascends. Do you, Prince Eric, take Ursula to have

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<v Speaker 1>and to hold in sickness and in health for as

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<v Speaker 1>long as you bow shall live. Ariel throws one leg

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<v Speaker 1>over the starboard, railing The guests, enraptured by the perfection

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<v Speaker 1>of the bride and groom, don't even notice her arrival.

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<v Speaker 1>Eric looks deep into Ursula's eyes, hypnotized, I do and

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<v Speaker 1>do you Ursula? Take Prince Eric. Ariel, soaking wet, breathed,

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<v Speaker 1>and seeweed right in the face, charges forward, leaps onto

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<v Speaker 1>the stage, heads right for the couple to be like

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<v Speaker 1>a charging bull. The guests gasp at this invasion, A

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<v Speaker 1>scorned woman come to sabotage the wedding to throw Eric's

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<v Speaker 1>fiance overboard. Ariel barrels forward, arms outstretched, and just when

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<v Speaker 1>it seems like Ariel might strike Ursula, she collides with

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<v Speaker 1>her in an embrace full of feeling. The guest's jaws

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<v Speaker 1>drop God in heaven. Ursula shocked, disgusted, lets the mask

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<v Speaker 1>of perfect bride slip, her true voice laced with bitterness.

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<v Speaker 1>Get get off me, you fool. Ursula tries to extricate

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<v Speaker 1>herself from Ariel's arms, but Ariel holds on with a

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<v Speaker 1>strength of heart impossible to unravel. Ariel, what are you doing?

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<v Speaker 1>Everyone looks on in a shock at this truly bizarre scene.

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<v Speaker 1>One woman hugging another woman who wriggles squirms, fights to

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<v Speaker 1>escape this embrace, but cannot break it and also seems

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<v Speaker 1>to not really want to, the force of Ariela's kindness

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<v Speaker 1>gains the power of actual magic, and the shell around

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<v Speaker 1>Ursula's neck that holds Ariel's voice begins to glow, hum

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<v Speaker 1>tog away from Ursula as if possessed, and move toward Ariel.

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<v Speaker 1>Stop stop, stop, I said, But Ariel doesn't stop. By

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<v Speaker 1>the heat of Ariel's love, Ursula begins to transform back

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<v Speaker 1>into her original form. Her slender limbs morphin thick, barnacle

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<v Speaker 1>covered tentacles, her wedding dress burst at the themes to

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<v Speaker 1>reveal her sea slick octopus body. A woman in the

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<v Speaker 1>audience screams, shrilly, good, God, disgust. What is she? Children

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<v Speaker 1>cower under their seats. Grown men back away in horror.

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<v Speaker 1>Eric stumbles and nearly falls over. Oh oh, I almost

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<v Speaker 1>married an octopus? Well does Eric marry the octopus? What

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<v Speaker 1>will Ariel do with Ursula? And who is the voice

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<v Speaker 1>of that dashing priest? If you want to find out,

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<v Speaker 1>go here. All three Little Mermaid episodes in the Revisionist

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<v Speaker 1>History Feed, available wherever you get your podcasts.