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Speaker 1: Welcome to Pretty Private with Ebine, a space where no

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Speaker 1: question is off limits and storylines become lifelines. The views

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Speaker 1: shared by our guests are meant to inform, entertain, and empower.

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Speaker 1: From the laughs to the lessons. Just remember tough times

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Speaker 1: don't last, but Professional Homegirls do enjoy the show.

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Speaker 2: This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener discretion is a vice.

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Speaker 3: Welcome back to Pretty Private with Ebina. Integiry Ebine here,

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Speaker 3: and I hope all is cute. Before we dive in,

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Speaker 3: I want to share some excited news. The Professional Homegirls

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Speaker 3: second Annual Turkey Drive is happening on November twenty second

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Speaker 3: at two pm at Constant Library, thirty three South Front

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Speaker 3: Street in my hometown, Memphis, Tennessee. Now, this is a

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Speaker 3: drive up distribution, y'all, so please may shoot you arrive

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Speaker 3: on time two pm, First come, first serve.

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Speaker 4: Okay.

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Speaker 3: I cannot wait to see you all there and health

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Speaker 3: feed our community this Thanksgiving. And also we are still

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Speaker 3: taking donations, so if you would like to donate, please

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Speaker 3: click the link and the show notes below. Every bit

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Speaker 3: helps us reach more families this season, and y'all know

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Speaker 3: it is a tough season for all of us, so

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Speaker 3: please Please please if you can donate by clicking the

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Speaker 3: link in the show notes below. Now on today's episode,

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Speaker 3: My Conversation with Jiminica Eborne, a sexual assault and trauma expert,

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Speaker 3: has spent many years helping others navigate the complexities of trauma,

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Speaker 3: but today she opens up about her own personal journey,

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Speaker 3: including surviving sexual assault. Jiminica shares the heartbreaking story of

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Speaker 3: discovering the truth behind her mother's death while uncovering hidden

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Speaker 3: family secrets that shook the foundation of her life. Throughout

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Speaker 3: her journey, she not only found a path to her

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Speaker 3: own healing, but also transform her experiences into a mission

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Speaker 3: to help others navigate trauma, find resilience, and reclaim their

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Speaker 3: power in the face of unimaginable circumstances. So get ready,

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Speaker 3: because my sperm donor is a serial killer.

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Speaker 2: Starts now. All right, to my guests, thank you so

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Speaker 2: much for being on a show. How you doing, how

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Speaker 2: you feeling.

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Speaker 5: I'm having a good day, So let's let's go on that.

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Speaker 5: I've had my mushroom this morning.

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Speaker 2: I'm on mushroom, That's what I'm talking about.

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Speaker 3: But I've been doing so much research on you, so

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Speaker 3: I'm really, really excited to have this conversation with you,

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Speaker 3: and it was so funny because I don't get to

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Speaker 3: have this conversation a lot with it comes to wrestling.

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Speaker 3: I didn't know you were you were a fan of wrestling,

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Speaker 3: like I used to love wrestling as a kid.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I found wrestling when I was nine,

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Speaker 5: and then I did loose touch because I found alcohol

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Speaker 5: and dick in college very distracting. Me is very distracting.

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Speaker 5: And I came back in twenty nineteen watching wrestling again,

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Speaker 5: and then the pandemic happened. We didn't have nothing else

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Speaker 5: to do, so yeah, and then I started working in wrestling.

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Speaker 5: I did two years doing mental health for a professional

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Speaker 5: wrestling company twenty twenty three until twenty twenty five this year.

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Speaker 3: Yo, that is such a flex Like that is so

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Speaker 3: freaking cool. When I saw that about you, I'm like, nah,

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Speaker 3: So I got to ask you who is your all

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Speaker 3: time favorite wrestling growing up and why Sting?

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Speaker 5: Yeah? Yes, Sting is my favorite. He is such a

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Speaker 5: multi passage. And also I just got to work with

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Speaker 5: him for two years, which is crazy to be in

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Speaker 5: the same space and be like, I'm just regular Steve.

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Speaker 5: But the ways that he carries his character, his integrity

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Speaker 5: just like as a human. Yeah, he's a good time.

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Speaker 5: I like him. I like mankind. Yeah, that man is

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Speaker 5: a very good human as well.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, I think my favorite. I used to love

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Speaker 2: the Undertaker and Kane.

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Speaker 5: Well here's the thing, I know the Undertaker and Kane. Yes, Mark, Yeah,

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Speaker 5: now I know.

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Speaker 2: I know it's tricky. It's beyond tricky because I loved I.

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Speaker 5: Loved the Undertaker as well. And then you be like,

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Speaker 5: I remember when you didn't talk. That was my favorite.

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Speaker 3: I remember when a lot of people didn't talk, and

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Speaker 3: they was my favorites. But now when niggas started talking,

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Speaker 3: it's just.

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Speaker 5: Like, ah, Mark, I miss secrets.

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Speaker 2: I do I miss shame? Oh yeah, I feel like

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Speaker 2: a lot of people don't have shame.

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Speaker 5: I think we should bring it back. I think we.

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Speaker 2: Should issue Yeah, but thank you for.

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Speaker 3: Having that moment with me because I'm trying to talk

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Speaker 3: about wrestling with niggas, and niggas be.

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Speaker 2: Like, girl, we didn't know, And I'm like, how did

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Speaker 2: y'all not watch wrestling? Like that?

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Speaker 6: Was?

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Speaker 5: I listen novella. One of my favorite things to do

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Speaker 5: is to take sexy women to wrestling shows. Oh, I

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Speaker 5: take my friends all the time and don't know if

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Speaker 5: I know how to dress. I'm like, girl, why do

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Speaker 5: you have heels on? And come on, I'm not gonna

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Speaker 5: know what to do with you? Right, Yeah, that's fun.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So next time that we're in the same area

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Speaker 3: and we're gonna go together because I want to go there.

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Speaker 3: I think it was summer jam or something they was

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Speaker 3: doing at Madison Square Garden and nobody wanted to go,

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Speaker 3: but I was like, I want to be around all

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Speaker 3: these drunk white people by myself. So I was like, right,

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Speaker 3: I'm like, I need somebody to go, but nobody and

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Speaker 3: it's not and I don't even watch wrestling like that,

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Speaker 3: but I just wanted to go for nostalgic reason.

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Speaker 2: So next time were gone.

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Speaker 5: Absolutely.

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Speaker 3: So growing up, what do you remember most about your

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Speaker 3: childhood and also about your mother before everything changed.

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Speaker 5: I will say that I don't remember my mother because

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Speaker 5: she was, you know, murdered when I was one, So

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Speaker 5: there isn't a lot of what did I remember, But

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Speaker 5: I do know that in my childhood being raised by

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Speaker 5: my grandparents and my aunts, that I was allowed to exist.

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Speaker 5: I was allowed to like be all of these versions

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Speaker 5: of myself as a child. They just be like, oh, well,

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Speaker 5: there she's there, she goes doing her thing. Like when

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Speaker 5: I found wrestling, were like okay, girl, and I liked

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Speaker 5: punk rock music, they was like, here you go some

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Speaker 5: more shit. And so I was allowed to expand and exist.

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Speaker 5: And also I remember that my youth was very well rounded,

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Speaker 5: Like I lived in a middle class, predominantly white neighborhood.

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Speaker 5: My aunt lived in the hood, and my other aunt

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Speaker 5: was in college. So I was on college campuses, being

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Speaker 5: low key raised by Kappa Alpha PSI No, not the

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Speaker 5: shimmy I know, which full circle a whole lot of

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Speaker 5: nonsense later, but and like being also well rounded, to

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Speaker 5: knowing how people live in different areas and learning street

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Speaker 5: rules and everything. So I think it really allowed me

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Speaker 5: to exist as a whole human and like, now you

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Speaker 5: can put me in any room, like I am so adaptable.

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Speaker 5: M h.

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Speaker 3: But I think that's the beauty of being in those

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Speaker 3: different spaces because you get to experience blackness in so

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Speaker 3: many different ways. Because that's what my experience was when

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Speaker 3: I went to an HBCU Tennessee State, and you know,

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Speaker 3: being a girl that was you know, used to be

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Speaker 3: in the hood, but also was from like a one

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Speaker 3: parent household. Like when I got to a black college,

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Speaker 3: I'm like, oh wow, Like there are so many different

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Speaker 3: ways of being black, like you said, like watching wrestlers

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Speaker 3: or listening to golf music and things like that.

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Speaker 2: So I totally agree with.

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Speaker 5: You on that.

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Speaker 3: Did people around you, like, what did your un say

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Speaker 3: about your mom? Or did your grandma and them ever

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Speaker 3: speak about her as much?

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Speaker 5: No? So I my family has always done really well

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Speaker 5: at sharing information. It was age appropriate and like I

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Speaker 5: learned things go for time. Was there a lot of

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Speaker 5: conversation around who she was and all the things, not

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Speaker 5: necessarily and in my older age now I can ask

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Speaker 5: questions and they like my aunt, who I'm the closest with,

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Speaker 5: she was like, you know, we were just so hurt.

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Speaker 5: And I apologize that maybe we didn't show up in

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Speaker 5: the ways because we were trying to take care of ourselves.

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Speaker 5: So there's a lot of things I still am learning.

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Speaker 5: A few years ago, I got police reports from my

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Speaker 5: mother's murder, like that whole thing, so being able to

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Speaker 5: read through that, Like I have her photo albums, but no,

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Speaker 5: it hasn't always been. But I honestly I blame black culture.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, because a lot of black clausholes they do that

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Speaker 3: when something traumatic and tragic happens, they try to like

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Speaker 3: think they protect them, but it's like I feel like

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Speaker 3: you're doing more harm than protecting.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, because I think that we are taught to

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Speaker 5: keep going and pushing through and swallow it. And my

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Speaker 5: grandmother and was like, well, this is how I've always

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Speaker 5: had to navigate. I just had to keep going. She

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Speaker 5: lost two daughters out of four, my oldest aunt died

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Speaker 5: of lupus, and then my mother was murdered, and then

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Speaker 5: she had to my two aunts, who the youngest one

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Speaker 5: had just graduated high school. And so when my mother

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Speaker 5: was killed, so you know, she had already been through

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Speaker 5: it all and then to have this and.

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Speaker 2: Have your daughter murdered, Yeah, your daughter murdered.

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Speaker 5: And then it's like they brought me over, which reading

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Speaker 5: the police reports, they're crazy, they just be putting anything

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Speaker 5: in it, Like they took me to my grandparents still

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Speaker 5: covered in my mother's blood. Mmmm, Like that is crazy.

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Speaker 2: And I can only imagine what they did to your grandmother,

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Speaker 2: like this child exactly, yeah, exactly.

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Speaker 5: Now I have more information over years of being like

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Speaker 5: what the hell, like what what's And now at my

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Speaker 5: big age of thirty eight, now I can go okay,

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Speaker 5: like I understand. And also I've been sending psychology since

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Speaker 5: I was sixteen to try to understand everything in the

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Speaker 5: world of the people. So it's like, wow, she also

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Speaker 5: wasn't afforded, you know, mental health.

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Speaker 2: Support or any believing it back in the day.

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Speaker 5: Still don't, right, just keep it a buck. Still don't

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Speaker 5: and you know, to be And now I live with

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Speaker 5: her to assist her at her age of eighty three,

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Speaker 5: and I'm learning pieces of like how she has just

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Speaker 5: had to push through. It's interesting.

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Speaker 3: It's heartbreaking too because I feel like at this age,

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Speaker 3: cause we're the same age, so we have all these

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Speaker 3: tools and resources and we can be able to identify

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Speaker 3: and also put a name to what we what we're experiencing.

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Speaker 3: But then when we look at our grandmothers or just

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Speaker 3: the elders, it's like, gosh, like you don't even know

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Speaker 3: that you really going through something traumatic?

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Speaker 1: Is not?

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Speaker 2: Okay?

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Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, they don't know because it's like that's also

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Speaker 5: what they saw, right, we just got to keep pushing through.

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Speaker 2: And I'm like, girl, we don't have to keep pushing

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Speaker 2: Let's take a moment.

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Speaker 5: Let's stop trying to push through honestly, Like, let's sit down,

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Speaker 5: let's you know, talk about it. And you know, I

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Speaker 5: am the first person in my family to get therapy.

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Speaker 5: I'm the first person, you know, to study psychology. And

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Speaker 5: I am thankful. I am the eldest grandchild. And there's

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Speaker 5: only one other girl, and she also went to school

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Speaker 5: for therapy, and it's now a marriage and it's now

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Speaker 5: a social worker. And I said, that makes sense, right,

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Speaker 5: that makes sense. We needed an answers.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, how many grand children? You heard? How many others?

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Speaker 5: I am the oldest, and each of my aunts had three,

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Speaker 5: so I'm the oldest of seventh and uh, the one

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Speaker 5: underneath me, he actually just passed away in January. First friend. Yeah,

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Speaker 5: by all the things. So it's so there's six of

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Speaker 5: us left, six of us.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, wow, my condolence sisters. That's a lie, that's a lot.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, that's the time.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So how did you get access to the police report?

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Speaker 3: Like was that something that you was seeking?

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Speaker 5: Or no, my grandmother are getting to me.

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Speaker 2: Mmmm.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, here's the thing. I was what's upgrade language? So

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Speaker 5: I used to say I was nosy, No, I was inquisitive.

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Speaker 2: Right, we were inquisitive. I used to hate No, I'm inquisitive.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 5: So I was an inquisitive child and I learned how

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Speaker 5: to read early because again we was at the college,

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Speaker 5: so I learned how to read it like four or five.

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Speaker 5: And so you know, being raised by your grandparents, there

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Speaker 5: is a one of them is awake once. It worked

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Speaker 5: kind of rotation. So I was reading things. I was

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Speaker 5: in people's files. I knew all kind of information I

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Speaker 5: was supposed to know. So I had like seen things,

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Speaker 5: but I didn't comprehend it. And I will say what

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Speaker 5: years of twenty twenty five? She gave the report to

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Speaker 5: me in like twenty twenty. It was during the pandemic

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Speaker 5: or like the end of the I guess we're still

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Speaker 5: in it, but towards the end of us being in

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Speaker 5: lock in, she was like, oh, I have this for you.

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Speaker 5: And I was just like, oh, that was this. And

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Speaker 5: I was living with my best friend at the time,

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Speaker 5: and she came and she was like, hey, oh no,

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Speaker 5: we're crying. What's happening? No, no, no, what's right? And I

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Speaker 5: was like, this is crazy?

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Speaker 2: And what made her give it to you? Like she

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Speaker 2: was just like, it's time.

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Speaker 5: I think they were cleaning out drawers and maybe it

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Speaker 5: was time. You know, it's it's never I feel like

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Speaker 5: sometimes when people are older and they're just like, I

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Speaker 5: don't want to hold onto this anymore and it's time

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Speaker 5: to transition information. I do wish, though, for our elders

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Speaker 5: that they were able to share these things with us

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Speaker 5: at you know, the ages are appropriate, like twenties or things,

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Speaker 5: so we can process and prepare and create, you know,

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Speaker 5: things to help that. But I didn't get it into

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Speaker 5: my thirties. But I am thankful to have it. I

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Speaker 5: actually reread them, I want to say, last month, oh

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Speaker 5: wo and I was like, damn, that's crazy. I have

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Speaker 5: them literally underneath me right now, so I girl, they

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Speaker 5: hear my little bag. Yeah, it's interesting to have had

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Speaker 5: day to have such a large trauma and have the

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Speaker 5: effects of it, but not necessarily remember it right so

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Speaker 5: young versus my rape very much aware, very present, very

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Speaker 5: understanding of that now, very present for it. Now I

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Speaker 5: have understanding of it because that doesn't always have it

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Speaker 5: happen in alignment and so most of my work has

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Speaker 5: been talking about rape and sexual assault and domestic violence,

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Speaker 5: and in the last few years I will say, I've

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Speaker 5: actually shared more that I am a child of trauma,

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Speaker 5: not just that rape that happened when I was twenty one, Like, no,

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Speaker 5: this is the start of a lot of things.

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Speaker 2: So do you can you walk us through what you

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Speaker 2: have read in the police report?

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Speaker 5: So am basically yeah, it basically just shared there was

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Speaker 5: an argument between them. He lured her over there by

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Speaker 5: uh it was around Christmas time. He lured her over

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Speaker 5: by saying he had Christmas gifts for me, And apparently

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Speaker 5: in the re police support it said that they have

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Speaker 5: maybe kissed, talked, whatever, and his sister felt like the

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Speaker 5: energy was getting too much, like it was like the

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Speaker 5: argument it was getting intention she left to go get assistance,

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Speaker 5: get help from like a nat or something, and while

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Speaker 5: she was gone it escalated. He ended up hitting her.

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Speaker 5: Police report says hit her. She had headed trauma, and

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Speaker 5: he stabbed her to death. And what's interesting is my

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Speaker 5: whole life I thought that she had like died, and

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Speaker 5: she did die ultimately, but but when the police got

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Speaker 5: there she was still alive. Oh wow, And so so

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Speaker 5: for me that was new information that she was still alive.

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Speaker 5: She did die on the scene. Also, the ways that

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Speaker 5: they said they handled her body. I also didn't like, like,

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Speaker 5: why did you have to undress her? That sounds funny,

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Speaker 5: you see, exactly right, Like these things don't make sense. Sure,

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Speaker 5: she was stabbed in the atomic why do you have

299
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Speaker 5: to take her pants off? That has nothing to do

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Speaker 5: with anything, you know. So I have questions that I

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Speaker 5: know will never have the answers. You know, at this age,

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Speaker 5: there's not even because it happened so long. It happened

303
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Speaker 5: in eighty eight, so there's no like things you could

304
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Speaker 5: just research and do all the things. Like I didn't

305
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Speaker 5: know anything about my mother's murderer, who was also my

306
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Speaker 5: sperm donor. Right, I didn't know anything about him because

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Speaker 5: my family had gotten rid of everything. I knew his name,

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Speaker 5: and I my freshman year in college is when I

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Speaker 5: did research and I had to go to like the

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Speaker 5: local library in town for the police, for the not

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Speaker 5: the police, but the news, you know, whatever I found it.

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Speaker 5: I feel like earlier, when I started looking on the internet,

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Speaker 5: there was more information, like using his name, like I

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Speaker 5: found out he just was a murderer. He was just

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Speaker 5: a shit human. Still is a shit human, still in prison,

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Speaker 5: still not held for my mother's murder because he was

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Speaker 5: a murderer. He murdered a pimp in Vegas and we

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Speaker 5: don't have death row here in California, but they do

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Speaker 5: in Nevada. But it didn't even matter because he pled

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Speaker 5: not insanity, but mental incompetence and so quote unquote they

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Speaker 5: called him retarded, which is in the documentation, and so

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Speaker 5: he has just been imprisoned a few years ago. That's

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Speaker 5: twenty five, I want to say, twenty two, twenty two.

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Speaker 5: We got a call. I got to call my grandmother

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Speaker 5: got a call and I was like, ooh, just feel

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Speaker 5: like a spam, so I didn't. I was like whatever,

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Speaker 5: and it was a police officer and they said that

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Speaker 5: they had moved him to where we live in Riverside

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Speaker 5: because he was finally going to be held accountable for

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Speaker 5: my mother's murder. And I was like, that's crazy because

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Speaker 5: I didn't get notified and I had signed up for

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Speaker 5: the service. Will something happens, you could be notified And

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Speaker 5: I normally.

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Speaker 2: Just to make sure to protect yourself, yes, And.

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Speaker 5: I normally checked like once a year, but that year

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Speaker 5: was busy, I had a lot going on. I hadn't checked,

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Speaker 5: and by the time they had called us, and they're

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Speaker 5: like well, what do you guys want to happen to him?

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Speaker 5: And I said what, like, what is the option? So I,

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Speaker 5: as I am predominantly we all have a role in

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Speaker 5: our family, I had to go and have the conversation.

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Speaker 5: My grandmother was like, I can't handle it. My aunt's

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Speaker 5: one on one to fight. I said, you for show,

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Speaker 5: can't go.

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Speaker 2: The other one was my girl, right like Stein you

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Speaker 2: want to tussle.

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Speaker 3: What's up, y'all? It's Shagar m and A here, and

348
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,480
Speaker 3: be sure to follow me on Instagram and TikTok at

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Speaker 3: pretty private podcasts, and don't forget to subscribe to my

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Speaker 3: YouTube channel at the Professional Homegirl. Now let's get back

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Speaker 3: to the show.

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Speaker 5: My grandfather at the time was still alive and he

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Speaker 5: was like, you know, I think it's up to you

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Speaker 5: and your grandmother. So I sat with everyone. I said,

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Speaker 5: do you have questions? Is there anything you want me

356
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Speaker 5: to you know? Real retell? And I went and I

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Speaker 5: met with a detective and he was like, well, he's

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Speaker 5: going to be held, you know, he's gonna go face

359
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Speaker 5: the judge. What would you guys like to have him

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Speaker 5: to him? So my question was like, well, what are

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Speaker 5: the options? Yeah, is there a drop down. Is there

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00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,560
Speaker 5: a you know, a survey. He's like, well, what do

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Speaker 5: you want to happen? And I said, well, I just

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Speaker 5: want him to be I want him to be held

365
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Speaker 5: accountable for the harm that he has caused. Because he

366
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Speaker 5: killed that pimp in Vegas, he killed my mother, he

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Speaker 5: killed an elderly white cup on a bartender.

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Speaker 2: So he's a stereo killer.

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Speaker 5: He's a murderer for sure. He has been married. I

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Speaker 5: had never had any contact with him. We're gonna run

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Speaker 5: it back a little bit, but for that, he still

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Speaker 5: hasn't been in front of the judge. I will say

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Speaker 5: that he has still not been in front of the judge.

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Speaker 5: I can look right now, and they just keep pushing it.

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Speaker 5: One time it was he was supposed to see judge

376
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Speaker 5: on my birthday and I said, come on now, we're

377
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,800
Speaker 5: playing games. But then he never saw them. I will

378
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Speaker 5: say that in twenty sixteen, I changed careers, or I

379
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:52,919
Speaker 5: blended careers. I became a comprehensive sexuality educator. And my

380
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Speaker 5: background has still been mental health and all of these things.

381
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Speaker 5: So I just combined that work and I was away

382
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Speaker 5: like a speaking engagement, learning how to speak and like

383
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:06,400
Speaker 5: carry myself and to be this person that we could

384
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Speaker 5: sit in chat with. And I got to call for

385
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Speaker 5: my grandmother and she was like hey. I was like,

386
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Speaker 5: hey girl. She was like, well the first thing, she

387
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,320
Speaker 5: was like, I don't want you to be mad at me.

388
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Speaker 5: And I said, what happened?

389
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:19,040
Speaker 4: Should come on, grandma?

390
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:19,760
Speaker 2: What are we doing now?

391
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:25,680
Speaker 5: Lead with something? No, She's like, she's like, you got

392
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Speaker 5: a letter from that man who says she's your father.

393
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Speaker 5: And I said, okay, I said, what did you do

394
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Speaker 5: with it? She said, I put it away. Later my

395
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,040
Speaker 5: mom was like, I tried to find it and burned.

396
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,560
Speaker 5: I said, of course you did. And that's the one

397
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:41,560
Speaker 5: that liked to tussle. Uh right, you caught on quick,

398
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:46,280
Speaker 5: right my type of girl. I was like, you know what,

399
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:51,240
Speaker 5: just save it. And so I had already been working

400
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,520
Speaker 5: on myself after my rape and like getting mental health

401
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,680
Speaker 5: support and doing all these things. I hadn't started going

402
00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:58,720
Speaker 5: to therapy, but I started doing my own work. I did.

403
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,919
Speaker 5: I leaned into spirits while they need to find it

404
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,640
Speaker 5: in my body before I started talking. Everybody does it differently,

405
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:09,840
Speaker 5: and so so what happened was that letter. I was like, okay, well,

406
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Speaker 5: I'm gonna come home and I'll get it. So I

407
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:15,160
Speaker 5: called a meeting with my best friends and I said, hey,

408
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,359
Speaker 5: here's what happened. And they said, okay, well, how would

409
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:20,119
Speaker 5: you like to handle it. I said, I would like

410
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,159
Speaker 5: to have crab and then we could talk about it.

411
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:29,760
Speaker 3: So we went and got legs right, crab bag right,

412
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,320
Speaker 3: and it was my friend.

413
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Speaker 5: My friend, she was like, okay, let's do this. So

414
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,680
Speaker 5: I had the letter and each person read it quietly

415
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,240
Speaker 5: and then they're like, okay, let's process this. How can

416
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,239
Speaker 5: we help you? And they talked through with me, and

417
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,080
Speaker 5: I get emotional because I am like, that is what

418
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:55,000
Speaker 5: friendship is. That is yeah, And you know that really

419
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:56,720
Speaker 5: helped me because I'll tell you what was in that

420
00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:00,720
Speaker 5: letter is bullshit. In the letter, it was like, hey,

421
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,560
Speaker 5: I don't know what your grandma and your aunt told you,

422
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,600
Speaker 5: but I'm alive. And I was like, okay, this nick

423
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:06,840
Speaker 5: is ridiculous because.

424
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,360
Speaker 2: Clearly, how do you get the address?

425
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:14,320
Speaker 5: Great question he tells that in the letter. In the letter, well,

426
00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:16,600
Speaker 5: first of all, let's pull back on the outside of

427
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:19,480
Speaker 5: the letter. I have never seen prison clickbait on the

428
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,199
Speaker 5: outside and say hey, this is your dad and you

429
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:31,720
Speaker 5: have a sister clickbait. I ya, it's crazy, crazy boots.

430
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:36,400
Speaker 5: So I opened the letter. Hey, I'm alive. I learned

431
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:39,040
Speaker 5: how to read write in prison. Here's some info about

432
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:42,520
Speaker 5: her to write in prison, He goes, If you want

433
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,919
Speaker 5: to know more about her, you can write me back. Clickbait, baby.

434
00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:46,400
Speaker 1: I don't.

435
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:49,800
Speaker 5: I'm not doing any of this right. And here's where

436
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:53,399
Speaker 5: he lost me. Things happened between me and your mother?

437
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:59,320
Speaker 5: Sorry about that. You murdered her. I don't. There's no

438
00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:03,480
Speaker 5: thing happened yet. Things did? You changed my life forever

439
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:08,000
Speaker 5: her life. You ended her life. You changed the life

440
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:11,440
Speaker 5: of my entire family. So ye had things did happen?

441
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,720
Speaker 2: Did anybody meet him when he was.

442
00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:18,760
Speaker 5: I believe my aunt, the one who is the like

443
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,600
Speaker 5: to tes, yeah, because she was best friends with my mom.

444
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:24,439
Speaker 5: They were closest in age, so I believe she may have.

445
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,720
Speaker 5: But that was the only one because my oldest aunt

446
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,440
Speaker 5: had already passed away younger and then the youngest aunt

447
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:35,160
Speaker 5: she was in school, and I think maybe she might

448
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:38,440
Speaker 5: have seen him once or twice going to my mom's

449
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,360
Speaker 5: house from like stories I've heard, but no one had

450
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,399
Speaker 5: like a relationship, and my grandmother would be like his

451
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:46,480
Speaker 5: family was bad but you know, they don't know his

452
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,960
Speaker 5: family was bad and awful people, and maybe they were.

453
00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:51,399
Speaker 5: Maybe they you know, I don't know.

454
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:53,760
Speaker 3: M I was gonna ask you, but I feel like

455
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:54,880
Speaker 3: it might be kind of hard for you to ask,

456
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,720
Speaker 3: because I'm like, I wonder if your mom knew about.

457
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,360
Speaker 2: His past or who he was or.

458
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:03,760
Speaker 5: Sure, yeah, sure, we don't know. We don't know, right,

459
00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:06,399
Speaker 5: And I think that has also been why my family

460
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,119
Speaker 5: has been like, let her live, so something comes up,

461
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,959
Speaker 5: she will talk to us. And that I mean, that's

462
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,480
Speaker 5: at least been my mindset. Is they've just been like, well,

463
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:18,280
Speaker 5: there she go doing something, there she go. Yeah, but

464
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:23,399
Speaker 5: like allowing me to exist, to keep that line open

465
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:26,000
Speaker 5: in maybe ways that they didn't, right, Like, I don't

466
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,199
Speaker 5: have kids, it's not in my ministry, it's not for me.

467
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:33,520
Speaker 5: But I can see that you are able to have

468
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,480
Speaker 5: a child, have your eldest child and learn from that

469
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,919
Speaker 5: and things can change, right, Right, Like my life was

470
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,199
Speaker 5: totally different than my aunt's life was because they were

471
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,840
Speaker 5: older in age, they had different resources. I was their

472
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:49,920
Speaker 5: granddaughter and quickly became their adopted child somewhat right, Like,

473
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:53,560
Speaker 5: I'm still their granddaughter, but the roles change and you

474
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,639
Speaker 5: have different things to offer. So it's I don't know,

475
00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:59,720
Speaker 5: I don't know what people know all the time or

476
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:03,160
Speaker 5: how how they held it. Because again, communication and black

477
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:04,680
Speaker 5: families is not always great.

478
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you know, a million years later it's still

479
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:09,080
Speaker 2: not great.

480
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:10,560
Speaker 6: Wow.

481
00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:12,800
Speaker 3: Did you ever want to have like a conversation with him,

482
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 3: not for forgiveness or anything, but just to get answers?

483
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,960
Speaker 5: No, No, I don't think you deserve to be in

484
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,600
Speaker 5: the presence of a goddess. Oh no, I think you

485
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:27,000
Speaker 5: lost that and opt out on that. You could use Google,

486
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:28,359
Speaker 5: Google's free. She's on Google.

487
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:33,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, wow, and he's still so he's in jail,

488
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:34,600
Speaker 3: never stood.

489
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:36,880
Speaker 2: Trial or anything for any of the murders that he did.

490
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,800
Speaker 5: That is crazy or except for the pamp Oh.

491
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:46,200
Speaker 3: So let's fast forward to your relationship with your ex boyfriend.

492
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:49,119
Speaker 2: What ex boyfriend, the one that you was raped by,

493
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,560
Speaker 2: not a boyfriend? Alsood you was just dating.

494
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,200
Speaker 5: Someone, not gonna use that word. We're not even gonna

495
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,240
Speaker 5: use that kind of language. There is someone that I

496
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:02,560
Speaker 5: had slept with beforehand. We were cool, we similar friends,

497
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:07,119
Speaker 5: people around us. Definitely not in a relationship or anything

498
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:10,200
Speaker 5: like that, but we did I'll say there was a relationship,

499
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:12,399
Speaker 5: because we all have relationships with each other, right, but

500
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:17,679
Speaker 5: not a romantic kind of thing by any means. You know,

501
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:22,240
Speaker 5: for a lot of people, they asked questions, why didn't

502
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,119
Speaker 5: you report and do all these things the day that

503
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:30,760
Speaker 5: it happened? And I'll say something, this probably sounds real slick.

504
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:34,080
Speaker 5: No one has ever been able to harm me in

505
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:37,119
Speaker 5: that capacity when I was awake. So the day that

506
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:42,520
Speaker 5: it happened, I was sleeping and I woke up, and

507
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:45,000
Speaker 5: I believe someone had let him in. I had lived

508
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,040
Speaker 5: with two other people, because how else would he get in.

509
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,840
Speaker 5: I believe I Now, like I'm older, I'm out of it.

510
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:53,639
Speaker 5: I can a picture exactly what happened. My roommate had

511
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,840
Speaker 5: opened the door for him and someone else because she

512
00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:59,920
Speaker 5: she lit she little, She was a time.

513
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:00,879
Speaker 1: I pay that.

514
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:02,520
Speaker 5: That's as nice as I could say. She was a

515
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:06,920
Speaker 5: time and she, you know whatever, I think, she opened

516
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:08,800
Speaker 5: the door for them. And I woke up and he

517
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:13,800
Speaker 5: was standing over me, naked with a condun And I

518
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:17,360
Speaker 5: knew that he had an obsession with weapons. I knew

519
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,480
Speaker 5: who he was. And I will say that I saw

520
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,720
Speaker 5: him back again after my rape, which is a conversation

521
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,040
Speaker 5: that I don't think people talk about enough. But in

522
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:29,879
Speaker 5: that moment I went with emotion that in that later

523
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,720
Speaker 5: language of understanding, I now know that I fond and

524
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,720
Speaker 5: fawning is a way of keeping yourself safe, the ways

525
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,920
Speaker 5: of just existing because you don't know what's going to happen.

526
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:43,760
Speaker 5: And that was what I could control. And you know,

527
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:46,720
Speaker 5: it happened in a moment, in a moment like it

528
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:49,199
Speaker 5: was a full full thing. And then he just got up,

529
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,879
Speaker 5: put a clothes on and left. And so when people

530
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:54,679
Speaker 5: ask well, why did you come forward, I don't know

531
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,520
Speaker 5: if people heard. The police is not always great for things.

532
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 5: There's a lot of harm that happens when you were

533
00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:02,159
Speaker 5: And also I didn't think that people will believe me

534
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:05,399
Speaker 5: because I have always been a sex positive person. And

535
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,199
Speaker 5: again in the black community, they don't always understand that, right.

536
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:10,719
Speaker 5: They think you just outside doing things, but don't know

537
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:15,000
Speaker 5: behind doors. Anybody I had been with, there were conversations,

538
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:18,520
Speaker 5: there was understandings. And also just because you thought I

539
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:20,800
Speaker 5: was behind doors half the time, I was playing video

540
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:21,760
Speaker 5: games and talking shit.

541
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:23,360
Speaker 3: Right, you think a lot of times you think I'm

542
00:28:23,359 --> 00:28:24,960
Speaker 3: with these niggas, I'm not here fucking them when I'm

543
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:25,720
Speaker 3: just hanging out with.

544
00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:28,639
Speaker 5: Them, thoughting and bopping. I was thought and bopping and

545
00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:29,840
Speaker 5: let's not lie, but.

546
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:33,920
Speaker 2: That was that person, thank you, right, I can tell

547
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:36,920
Speaker 2: you who I was in with, not him.

548
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:40,160
Speaker 5: It was over here. So yeah, it was a time

549
00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:44,640
Speaker 5: and it changed my entire life because you know, when

550
00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:48,120
Speaker 5: you are that young, twenty one, we all know about you.

551
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,160
Speaker 5: I was out here dancing, partying.

552
00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:53,600
Speaker 2: Listen, I went to an HBCUs already know.

553
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:56,040
Speaker 5: It wasn't like we was going to a damn meeting.

554
00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:59,880
Speaker 3: Career girl and business was fashion now with the suit on.

555
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:04,000
Speaker 3: That was the best time.

556
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:07,840
Speaker 2: Of our lives. Oh my god, what a time, man,

557
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:10,120
Speaker 2: What a time.

558
00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:14,080
Speaker 3: People were dancing, drinking, just having such a good time.

559
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:19,560
Speaker 5: Yeah, and I think that that good time helps me. Yeah,

560
00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:21,719
Speaker 5: and think it helps me. And it hurt me in

561
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,560
Speaker 5: the sense of we so fun. But also I had

562
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:28,760
Speaker 5: an excuse because then I adopted a drinking problem, and people,

563
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:30,440
Speaker 5: you know, we out there's a party every damn dang

564
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,800
Speaker 5: undergrad and so it just looked like, oh, she fun,

565
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:35,840
Speaker 5: She's doing all these things. But I was coping and

566
00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:38,800
Speaker 5: I felt like I was drowning. But I also didn't

567
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:41,400
Speaker 5: have the language, and I didn't feel like my friends

568
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 5: were my actual friends, And I look back now and

569
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:47,040
Speaker 5: I did have some people and now they were still

570
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:48,880
Speaker 5: my people today. But I look back and there was

571
00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:53,520
Speaker 5: a lot of harm and things that happened. But yeah,

572
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,160
Speaker 5: it was a time and I'm so glad I got

573
00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 5: to do it, and I'm glad that I have those memories,

574
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:04,520
Speaker 5: and I'm also glad to be who I am from that.

575
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:06,680
Speaker 3: So a couple of things. When did you realize what

576
00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:08,240
Speaker 3: was the turning point? Did you realize you had a

577
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:16,000
Speaker 3: drinking problem? Great question, I get my oprah.

578
00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:18,520
Speaker 5: I think when I was carrying the drinks in my trunk.

579
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:24,000
Speaker 5: And I honestly so this happened at twenty one. I

580
00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:26,680
Speaker 5: didn't tell anyone I was reaped until I was twenty eight,

581
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:29,040
Speaker 5: when I had really changed careers and I started writing

582
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:30,520
Speaker 5: about it. I was like, oh, I'm about to have

583
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:32,720
Speaker 5: something published. I'd probably tell people before they see it.

584
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:33,760
Speaker 5: Somebody I was like, what the fuck?

585
00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:34,200
Speaker 6: Right?

586
00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:40,560
Speaker 5: But around twenty five, I was like, this is a lot,

587
00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:44,640
Speaker 5: like something is not working, and listen, don't be fooled.

588
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:45,880
Speaker 5: She kept a full career.

589
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:48,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, liten, we keep it going now.

590
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:53,959
Speaker 5: Yeah, Like I had gotten kicked out of undergrad and

591
00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:56,360
Speaker 5: I was so glad. Oh my god, I was so

592
00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:59,280
Speaker 5: glad because it was so much pressure. I never stopped

593
00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:02,040
Speaker 5: going to school, went to a community college and continued

594
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:04,640
Speaker 5: what I needed to do. Change my degree. So I

595
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:07,360
Speaker 5: was studying criminal justice because I wanted to work with

596
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:09,120
Speaker 5: domestic violence survivors and I thought I had to be

597
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:12,000
Speaker 5: detective to do it. So after my rape, I just

598
00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:14,560
Speaker 5: changed his psychology and everybody was like, girl, we knew it, well,

599
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:16,480
Speaker 5: we could have had a talk. Then why am I

600
00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:20,600
Speaker 5: say shit? So I changed his psychology and I continued

601
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:23,640
Speaker 5: on and I became a rape crisis counselor, and which

602
00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:26,120
Speaker 5: is people, well, what I said, I know I'm different.

603
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:29,040
Speaker 5: And so that same year I was raped, I was

604
00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:32,160
Speaker 5: the person that people were sitting at hospital rooms holding

605
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,680
Speaker 5: their hand as they're getting start kits. And it was

606
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:38,920
Speaker 5: the most humbling thing. It changed my life because I

607
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,960
Speaker 5: was like, oh wow. And also the ways that people

608
00:31:42,080 --> 00:31:43,600
Speaker 5: just trusted me in that space, and they could have

609
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:46,600
Speaker 5: been like who's this bitch? Like why isn't here? And

610
00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:49,120
Speaker 5: they were just like, thank you for being here, right,

611
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:53,000
Speaker 5: like imagine it may imagine and don't for your for

612
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:57,760
Speaker 5: your listeners, but you have just been gang raped and

613
00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:00,800
Speaker 5: you are like, I don't know what to do, and

614
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,160
Speaker 5: you have been brought in by a police and now

615
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:06,520
Speaker 5: you have to sit in this room. It's cold. Medical rooms,

616
00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:10,520
Speaker 5: it's cold. Anybody that's ever had to have, you know,

617
00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:14,640
Speaker 5: their vagina checked with them, stirrups is cold. The energy

618
00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,040
Speaker 5: is cold. And even though the nurses try to do

619
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:20,200
Speaker 5: as well, like they have to take swabs where you've

620
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:23,000
Speaker 5: been harmed, they have to take your clothes and you

621
00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:26,800
Speaker 5: already feel so fucking vulnerable because your body has been

622
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:28,560
Speaker 5: harmed and now you have this and you had a

623
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:32,120
Speaker 5: stranger bitch next to you. But they trusted me and

624
00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:35,760
Speaker 5: it changed my life and my careers and things that

625
00:32:35,800 --> 00:32:38,560
Speaker 5: I wanted to do. M M. You know, a long

626
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:39,200
Speaker 5: went to the answer.

627
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:40,240
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, it's good.

628
00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:43,640
Speaker 3: I really enjoy your vulnerability and sharing this with us

629
00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:45,440
Speaker 3: because I feel like your story is definitely helping a

630
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:47,400
Speaker 3: lot of people because you just never know what other

631
00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:49,000
Speaker 3: people are going through. But you made a good point

632
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:51,640
Speaker 3: about how you mentioned that you saw your rapist afterwards.

633
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:53,520
Speaker 3: But you said that a lot of people don't talk

634
00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:55,520
Speaker 3: about that. Why is that and what do you mean

635
00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:55,760
Speaker 3: by that?

636
00:32:57,040 --> 00:33:00,440
Speaker 5: Yeah, oftentimes we are assaulted by people that we know

637
00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:03,680
Speaker 5: in our lives, in our spaces, right, And so I

638
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:07,280
Speaker 5: did see him again. We had conversations not about that,

639
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:11,520
Speaker 5: like not acknowledging it, because I also was like, because

640
00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:14,960
Speaker 5: we didn't talk about rape enough back in the early

641
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:18,080
Speaker 5: two thousands, right, So I was like, what is that rape?

642
00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:21,640
Speaker 5: Was that? Okay? Because we had been together. This nigga

643
00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:24,680
Speaker 5: then tried to get me into some polygamy, which, for

644
00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:27,960
Speaker 5: those that don't understand, polygamy and polyamorous are not the same.

645
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,520
Speaker 5: Polygamy is where he wanted to have a bunch of ladies.

646
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:36,959
Speaker 5: I had found this nigga was bold as fuck, very

647
00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:41,560
Speaker 5: for very many reasons. I had found in his trash

648
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:45,080
Speaker 5: can because inquisitive, I had found his trash can that

649
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:49,120
Speaker 5: he had taken someone to get medication for an abortion.

650
00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:51,600
Speaker 5: And I said, oh, okay, so this it was just

651
00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:53,840
Speaker 5: like a lot. And so when I say that I

652
00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:55,240
Speaker 5: did see him at the end, I did. I had

653
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:59,120
Speaker 5: conversation with him again, I had sex with him again. Right,

654
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:01,880
Speaker 5: And I can look at this now and be like,

655
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:04,960
Speaker 5: that's not a shameful thing. I didn't have the understanding

656
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:11,080
Speaker 5: that I have now, right, And again, a lot of

657
00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:13,480
Speaker 5: us do see our rapists again because we are in

658
00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:16,400
Speaker 5: relationship with them. They might but your husband, your partner,

659
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:20,920
Speaker 5: your sibling, a cousin, a coworker, someone on your team,

660
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,560
Speaker 5: you know, someone in your dorm, a teacher, fucking a parent,

661
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:28,560
Speaker 5: and we see them again. Yeah, and you can't always

662
00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:31,840
Speaker 5: get away from them. I was able to space myself

663
00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:35,080
Speaker 5: in things, but it wasn't immediate. He was still around me,

664
00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:39,800
Speaker 5: and no one knew right, Like, there were things that happened,

665
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:41,799
Speaker 5: and again he was like, I want you to meet

666
00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:45,200
Speaker 5: these people, sir, Get the fuck Like. It took time

667
00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:46,880
Speaker 5: for me to get away from him, and I have

668
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:51,319
Speaker 5: now other traumas like that stuff. But also like you

669
00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:56,399
Speaker 5: know those little ballcats, the little sphinxes. What's that? It's

670
00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:58,840
Speaker 5: a sphinx. They don't have hair, they look creepy.

671
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:01,920
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah he had.

672
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:05,000
Speaker 5: Them, and he forced me to touch it. He was like, come,

673
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:07,480
Speaker 5: I touch it and like held my hand. Now I

674
00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:11,080
Speaker 5: have a like a residual response to seeing those little

675
00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:15,279
Speaker 5: nasty and they look like balls, they smell it's just

676
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:18,520
Speaker 5: like a lot. So yeah, I did see him again.

677
00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:22,040
Speaker 5: I've never I had never talked to him again until

678
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:24,080
Speaker 5: buckle Up because you know she got a story for.

679
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:27,040
Speaker 2: You, right, Lissa, I you got my full attention.

680
00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:32,640
Speaker 5: Twenty nineteen, I did my first ten day silent retreat,

681
00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:37,880
Speaker 5: most amazing gift I've ever given myself. Everyone should try it.

682
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:40,839
Speaker 5: It is hard, it's amazing. I've done multiple of them

683
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:44,520
Speaker 5: at this point in my life. And I came home

684
00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:46,120
Speaker 5: and I went back to where I was living and

685
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:47,880
Speaker 5: I was like, oh, I can't live here, like I

686
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:51,239
Speaker 5: was coming back and I stopped even before I got there.

687
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:53,719
Speaker 5: I came back and I stopped at my best friend's house.

688
00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:55,080
Speaker 5: She was like, well, what do you want? I said,

689
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:56,920
Speaker 5: I want good food and for us to watch my

690
00:35:56,960 --> 00:36:00,759
Speaker 5: favorite episode of Gray's Anatomy. She was like done, So

691
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:02,680
Speaker 5: she had it off set up, and I said, we've

692
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:07,000
Speaker 5: been best friend since we were right. Yeah, And I

693
00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:08,600
Speaker 5: was like, I don't know if I want to live

694
00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:11,200
Speaker 5: there anymore, like I'm not loving the situation, like I

695
00:36:11,239 --> 00:36:13,759
Speaker 5: had moved in and whatever. She was like, just live here,

696
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:17,160
Speaker 5: I said, would you encouragce her? She was like, yeah,

697
00:36:17,239 --> 00:36:19,680
Speaker 5: we have a room. I said, you got another room?

698
00:36:19,719 --> 00:36:24,400
Speaker 5: She said, bitch. I said, I'm sorry, doors all right?

699
00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:28,879
Speaker 2: Your touch is right like my babbage.

700
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:30,360
Speaker 5: Yeah.

701
00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:33,920
Speaker 6: So I was like, you know what, Yeah, so I

702
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:37,120
Speaker 6: had I've only lived I've never lived alone, but I

703
00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:39,279
Speaker 6: predominantly live with her family, which is my family and

704
00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:40,920
Speaker 6: a beautiful Vaxican family, look at us.

705
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:45,920
Speaker 5: And so I was moving into her house. Here's here's

706
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,719
Speaker 5: where it's going to go. Left. I was moving into

707
00:36:47,719 --> 00:36:50,960
Speaker 5: her house and just doing slow moves, not you know,

708
00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:54,080
Speaker 5: saving money, smoke, slow cars over because there was no rush.

709
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:56,680
Speaker 5: And I got in my car one day and I

710
00:36:56,719 --> 00:36:58,879
Speaker 5: was heading back to the other side of town where

711
00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:01,640
Speaker 5: I was living at the time, and it's about forty

712
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:05,120
Speaker 5: five minutes away, because la, everything's about forty five minutes, right,

713
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:08,440
Speaker 5: And so I get in the car and it's like,

714
00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:12,759
Speaker 5: my phone is just so excited, right it is, I'm

715
00:37:12,760 --> 00:37:16,239
Speaker 5: getting a Vinmo request. My grandmother, who I called my mom,

716
00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:18,600
Speaker 5: she was calling, my manager was calling. I said, ooh,

717
00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:21,400
Speaker 5: of course I went to the Vimo request because I said, well,

718
00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:25,439
Speaker 5: let's see what this money cool ones, right, And I

719
00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:31,800
Speaker 5: opened it and it was a request for twenty five cents.

720
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:33,640
Speaker 5: In the note it was the year that I was

721
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:35,800
Speaker 5: assaultant and it was from my rapist.

722
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:41,760
Speaker 2: Somebody I whooped that nigga ass Yeah.

723
00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:46,000
Speaker 5: And so I immediately blocked it. And I knew for

724
00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:49,120
Speaker 5: myself because I had started therapy already and I had

725
00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:51,759
Speaker 5: done all the spiritual work and all these things that

726
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:56,680
Speaker 5: I was like, okay, your body responds like how I

727
00:37:56,719 --> 00:37:59,439
Speaker 5: handle things. I got about thirty forty five minutes until

728
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:02,440
Speaker 5: my body go bitch. We we about to have a moment, right.

729
00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:08,040
Speaker 5: And so I got across town and I lived near

730
00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:14,960
Speaker 5: this park, and in that park it had like everything

731
00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:17,920
Speaker 5: I needed. So I used all my tools. This is

732
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:20,200
Speaker 5: why I will give people. I love to give tools

733
00:38:20,239 --> 00:38:22,680
Speaker 5: when I chat. So the things that I created that

734
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:25,960
Speaker 5: later helped me. So we can be grounded by any

735
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:28,560
Speaker 5: of our five senses, and we can be triggered by

736
00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:29,560
Speaker 5: any of our five senses.

737
00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:29,960
Speaker 2: Thanks.

738
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:34,080
Speaker 5: So if that was a visual thing, I knew I

739
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:35,799
Speaker 5: needed to use some other things. So I got to

740
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:38,400
Speaker 5: the park. I took my shoes off. I said, immediately,

741
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:43,160
Speaker 5: let's legit ground let's touch some grass. Wasn't working. I said, okay,

742
00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,200
Speaker 5: let's listen, let's look at the kids, let's do this.

743
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:47,839
Speaker 5: Let me get some alothe because again we at the park,

744
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:52,600
Speaker 5: we hispanic areas. Look me up, and I'm like, none

745
00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:55,560
Speaker 5: of this is working. So I said Okay, I need

746
00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:58,480
Speaker 5: to go home. So I five minutes away from this

747
00:38:58,520 --> 00:39:02,720
Speaker 5: beautiful park and I got home and I texted my people,

748
00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:05,319
Speaker 5: and here's where I want to say to people is

749
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,600
Speaker 5: you could teach people how to show up for you.

750
00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:10,240
Speaker 5: You could teach people they want to know. Don't nobody

751
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:11,200
Speaker 5: just want to be out.

752
00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:13,080
Speaker 2: There, especially if they love you. They want to show

753
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:13,600
Speaker 2: up for you.

754
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:16,239
Speaker 5: They want to show up. They want to know how

755
00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:20,080
Speaker 5: to help you. And so I then created this tool

756
00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:22,960
Speaker 5: and expanded it later when working with individuals. But I

757
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:24,840
Speaker 5: went home and I texted all my people and was like,

758
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:28,680
Speaker 5: here's what happened, Here's what I need. And I had

759
00:39:28,719 --> 00:39:31,360
Speaker 5: a friend that was like good it like checking in

760
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,440
Speaker 5: on me and like good, no, my music tastes. I

761
00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:35,120
Speaker 5: was like, you gonna make sure I do this. You

762
00:39:35,239 --> 00:39:37,440
Speaker 5: gonna make sure I eat. You gonna do this. And

763
00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:38,920
Speaker 5: my friend was like, if you don't answer me in

764
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:41,359
Speaker 5: thirty minutes, I will bring my ass over there. Like

765
00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:45,920
Speaker 5: I had a whole team, and I used that system

766
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:49,399
Speaker 5: later when when actually like really developing this work, because

767
00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:52,279
Speaker 5: I hadn't still started developing work like it was the

768
00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:55,840
Speaker 5: early stages. I created a whole system and how to

769
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:57,840
Speaker 5: ask for help and how to set that up, and

770
00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:02,720
Speaker 5: it's it's super easy. Right, Hey, hey you are my person,

771
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:05,120
Speaker 5: Like you're so good at food girl, I know you

772
00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:07,480
Speaker 5: be having good picks, like would you be my food person?

773
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:10,759
Speaker 5: What's the Prob'm gonna be like, no, they want you

774
00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:13,239
Speaker 5: want me to be your person? Yes, bitch, right what

775
00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:13,839
Speaker 5: you need?

776
00:40:18,480 --> 00:40:19,279
Speaker 2: You make a good point.

777
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:20,840
Speaker 3: I think a lot of times we make it so

778
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:24,160
Speaker 3: difficult or hard for ourselves because we don't have that

779
00:40:24,239 --> 00:40:26,279
Speaker 3: resource in front of us, because nobody ever modeled it

780
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:28,000
Speaker 3: for us. So the fact that you're able to do

781
00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:30,520
Speaker 3: this and show people like, hey, you have a great

782
00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:33,120
Speaker 3: support support system in front of you, utilize it.

783
00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:37,319
Speaker 5: You step Yeah, they want to know. And then if

784
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:39,520
Speaker 5: you give them the you know, you give them the hey,

785
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:42,160
Speaker 5: this is your role. People get excited. Hey, you're real

786
00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:44,640
Speaker 5: good at this. Thank you. That's a compliment And here's

787
00:40:44,640 --> 00:40:47,160
Speaker 5: how you can support me. So if you were my

788
00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,719
Speaker 5: food person the way that I've done it, and there's

789
00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:52,480
Speaker 5: way six span, that's for sure. Like my ex girlfriend

790
00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:56,120
Speaker 5: was my food person and so we had a safe word.

791
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:58,200
Speaker 5: Safe words are not just for kinky, can use them

792
00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:01,279
Speaker 5: in anything. Fact, right, m h, easy and so we

793
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:04,239
Speaker 5: had a safe word and I had already created when

794
00:41:04,239 --> 00:41:06,000
Speaker 5: my head was good, I went and did like a

795
00:41:06,040 --> 00:41:09,000
Speaker 5: Google doc and I put food places in my area

796
00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:11,320
Speaker 5: and like two to three things I liked from each place,

797
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:14,360
Speaker 5: and I gave that to her and I said pick whatever,

798
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:16,239
Speaker 5: you know, I like all these things. So I would

799
00:41:16,239 --> 00:41:19,480
Speaker 5: text her, hey, I can't feed myself today, or like

800
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:21,720
Speaker 5: I need help or the safe word or food whatever

801
00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:24,160
Speaker 5: it is. How are we communicated? And she'd be like

802
00:41:24,239 --> 00:41:26,359
Speaker 5: great and would send that send me some food over.

803
00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:29,320
Speaker 5: Here's what I sent you. It'll be there in twenty minutes.

804
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:32,480
Speaker 2: Like that's good. It's so simple.

805
00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:36,960
Speaker 5: It's simple, right if you were the music person, similar,

806
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:39,560
Speaker 5: Like there's a way to build it. But again, like

807
00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:43,160
Speaker 5: you said, we were never role modeled it. We never

808
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:47,840
Speaker 5: knew the things, and that is just a lot of things.

809
00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:53,760
Speaker 5: Ignorance isn't always bad, I believe oftentimes ignorance opens the door.

810
00:41:54,080 --> 00:41:58,759
Speaker 3: Yeah for growth, facts, facts, facts, you know, everything that

811
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:02,360
Speaker 3: you've been through. Have you an idea of safety or trust?

812
00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:05,360
Speaker 3: Has it shifted or change all that?

813
00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:06,239
Speaker 4: Yeah?

814
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:10,000
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Like do you ever feel safe?

815
00:42:10,239 --> 00:42:10,560
Speaker 6: Yes?

816
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:15,640
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but it has come over time,

817
00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:18,279
Speaker 5: and so safety I'm glad you brought that up. I

818
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,279
Speaker 5: look at safety in two ways, and I think other

819
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:24,359
Speaker 5: people should as well. Welcome so safety, Most people look

820
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:27,520
Speaker 5: like it's just that external right, oh, is anything around me?

821
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:31,480
Speaker 5: But also there's the internal safety. What about my emotions?

822
00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:33,439
Speaker 5: What about things that are said to me? What about

823
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:36,279
Speaker 5: my own thought process? Right? Those are different things, like

824
00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:39,160
Speaker 5: what am I feeling? What is anxiety building? And so

825
00:42:39,680 --> 00:42:43,560
Speaker 5: being able to talk through things, being able to take

826
00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:47,279
Speaker 5: different classes, knowing what safety felt like and looked like,

827
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:50,480
Speaker 5: being able to exist in my body in a stable

828
00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:54,480
Speaker 5: way to even be able to figure any of that out. Yeah,

829
00:42:54,520 --> 00:42:56,560
Speaker 5: I think has been the most helpful for me. I

830
00:42:56,600 --> 00:42:59,720
Speaker 5: do feel safe now. The ways that I feel safe

831
00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:04,440
Speaker 5: now a very because also it's twenty twenty five and

832
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:05,920
Speaker 5: my fucks have left.

833
00:43:06,360 --> 00:43:09,040
Speaker 3: Girl, Listen, we approach it forty I have no more

834
00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:09,640
Speaker 3: fucks to give.

835
00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:12,360
Speaker 2: Okay, every year more flywoods.

836
00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:16,200
Speaker 5: I'm like, dang, there they go just pool right like

837
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:20,680
Speaker 5: and I and I I've taken many things like I

838
00:43:20,719 --> 00:43:23,879
Speaker 5: also have training and threat assessment now, so I don't

839
00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:26,560
Speaker 5: walk in nowhere without where's the doors, where's the exit?

840
00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:31,080
Speaker 5: Who's in this space? But I it's it's you know,

841
00:43:31,200 --> 00:43:32,640
Speaker 5: a thing that a lot of us have had to

842
00:43:32,719 --> 00:43:35,359
Speaker 5: learn from growing up in a time of school shootings

843
00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:38,000
Speaker 5: and things.

844
00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:40,319
Speaker 3: Like I'm teaching and my cousin like, I'm like, no,

845
00:43:40,400 --> 00:43:42,600
Speaker 3: she needs to be alert because of some shit goes down,

846
00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:44,959
Speaker 3: the times where things anything.

847
00:43:44,600 --> 00:43:47,400
Speaker 2: Can happen quick, real quick, and she need to be

848
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:47,799
Speaker 2: out here.

849
00:43:48,200 --> 00:43:49,399
Speaker 6: Yeah.

850
00:43:49,480 --> 00:43:51,920
Speaker 5: And I think there's also the ways of trusting ourselves

851
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:55,680
Speaker 5: and trusting our gut. A lot of times, especially Black women,

852
00:43:56,239 --> 00:44:00,320
Speaker 5: are taught that we are too much, we are over exaggerating. No, baby,

853
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:03,399
Speaker 5: you got gifts, tap in. Trust those things. Those can

854
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:05,400
Speaker 5: save you and help you and help others.

855
00:44:05,640 --> 00:44:08,160
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, Oh that was good.

856
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:09,759
Speaker 3: And you also made a good point because I was

857
00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:11,279
Speaker 3: looking at your other interviews and you were saying a

858
00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:13,879
Speaker 3: lot of times we shame ourselves before we even give

859
00:44:13,960 --> 00:44:16,040
Speaker 3: other people a chance to do it first.

860
00:44:16,640 --> 00:44:17,839
Speaker 2: And I think that yeah.

861
00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:19,640
Speaker 3: And I think that you by just elaborator and know

862
00:44:19,640 --> 00:44:22,879
Speaker 3: what safety looks like within ourselves really speaks volume because

863
00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:25,080
Speaker 3: it's like, girl, like you haven't that feeling for a reason,

864
00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:25,799
Speaker 3: trust it?

865
00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:26,799
Speaker 5: Yeah.

866
00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:27,080
Speaker 4: Yeah.

867
00:44:27,160 --> 00:44:30,960
Speaker 5: And the shame, the shame is also loud, loud in

868
00:44:31,000 --> 00:44:31,800
Speaker 5: the black community.

869
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:32,600
Speaker 2: Yeah.

870
00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:35,520
Speaker 5: We that's where shame is. We can't find it outside

871
00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:37,120
Speaker 5: because it's all in the black community.

872
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:40,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, so you look at somebody, they looking at you,

873
00:44:40,040 --> 00:44:42,000
Speaker 3: crazy judgment.

874
00:44:42,040 --> 00:44:45,680
Speaker 5: Lets look at this bit, right, the shame, the shame

875
00:44:45,800 --> 00:44:49,120
Speaker 5: aspects of it. I always I always talk about this

876
00:44:49,200 --> 00:44:51,560
Speaker 5: in the fact that shame and guilt are good cousins

877
00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:55,200
Speaker 5: that nobody wants to hang out with mmm, and they

878
00:44:55,280 --> 00:44:58,520
Speaker 5: come in together. Right. So shame is the thing that

879
00:44:58,560 --> 00:45:01,439
Speaker 5: people put upon us in the way the ways of it.

880
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:04,279
Speaker 5: And you know, sometimes we can shame ourselves and put

881
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:08,600
Speaker 5: it upon ourselves because that feels like we are in control. Yeah,

882
00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:11,480
Speaker 5: so don't be confused and how that shame is because

883
00:45:11,480 --> 00:45:13,200
Speaker 5: you were so out of control. You can be in

884
00:45:13,239 --> 00:45:16,400
Speaker 5: control in other ways. But because of black families and

885
00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:19,560
Speaker 5: the ways that that is what control looks like or

886
00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:23,160
Speaker 5: how it's been represented, we have to unlearn in there.

887
00:45:23,160 --> 00:45:26,560
Speaker 5: And again there's that space to grow, there's that ignorance.

888
00:45:26,560 --> 00:45:29,799
Speaker 5: We have to unlearn all of those things like being

889
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:33,759
Speaker 5: a grown up, being a black woman. I have had

890
00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:36,040
Speaker 5: to unlearn to exist.

891
00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:41,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, girl, Yeah, I'm so trying of learning like.

892
00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:46,320
Speaker 3: It is relearning, yes, facts, It's just like it's amazing

893
00:45:46,840 --> 00:45:48,640
Speaker 3: all the things that we were taught and here we

894
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:51,440
Speaker 3: are and it's like, damn, I gotta undo all of that.

895
00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:54,360
Speaker 2: Just to get to this place of growth and healing.

896
00:45:55,560 --> 00:46:02,200
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, I'm thankful though, I'm thankful. I am thankful.

897
00:46:02,239 --> 00:46:04,960
Speaker 5: I do wish the road wasn't so hard, I am.

898
00:46:05,280 --> 00:46:08,120
Speaker 5: I do wish that there was more information. I do

899
00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:10,799
Speaker 5: wish there is more support, and then the ways that

900
00:46:10,840 --> 00:46:13,160
Speaker 5: there weren't it. You know, it's people like us that

901
00:46:13,280 --> 00:46:15,319
Speaker 5: be like, Okay, well I'm gonna create it. That's how

902
00:46:15,320 --> 00:46:18,799
Speaker 5: I created my nonprofit. That's how I create these ideas.

903
00:46:18,640 --> 00:46:22,880
Speaker 5: It often streams from what does jimini can need? What

904
00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:25,760
Speaker 5: did w W J D? Okay?

905
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:27,919
Speaker 6: What did right?

906
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:31,719
Speaker 5: Yeah? And that's what a lot of my work looks like.

907
00:46:33,400 --> 00:46:36,640
Speaker 5: I do believe that I am not the first person

908
00:46:37,360 --> 00:46:38,960
Speaker 5: and know that I am not the first person to

909
00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:41,680
Speaker 5: talk about sexual assault, and unfortunately I won't be the last.

910
00:46:42,160 --> 00:46:44,920
Speaker 5: I think the ways that I navigated is different, but

911
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:46,840
Speaker 5: I think the ways that we all navigated should be

912
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:50,560
Speaker 5: different because the ways that we do it is going

913
00:46:50,640 --> 00:46:52,840
Speaker 5: to speak to somebody. I'm not for everybody, and I

914
00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:55,160
Speaker 5: shouldn't be, but I am for who I am for.

915
00:46:55,600 --> 00:46:58,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, facts, facts fast. I want to get more into

916
00:46:58,200 --> 00:47:00,480
Speaker 3: your work. But before I do, did you ever does

917
00:47:00,520 --> 00:47:01,759
Speaker 3: your sister ever reach out to you?

918
00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:03,799
Speaker 2: Or is a sister even?

919
00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:04,959
Speaker 5: I don't know that lady.

920
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,840
Speaker 2: I don't know that lady or his child. Is she

921
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:10,000
Speaker 2: ever trying to reach out to you have a relationship?

922
00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:13,719
Speaker 5: No, And I wouldn't want to because that has nothing

923
00:47:13,719 --> 00:47:17,120
Speaker 5: to do with me. You you and that man or

924
00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:19,480
Speaker 5: whatever your mama did with him, that has not That's

925
00:47:19,520 --> 00:47:25,640
Speaker 5: not my business right And have have I googled in research?

926
00:47:25,800 --> 00:47:26,040
Speaker 1: Yes?

927
00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:29,120
Speaker 5: And the reason that I was able to is going

928
00:47:29,160 --> 00:47:32,360
Speaker 5: back to meeting to getting that letter from him. I

929
00:47:32,400 --> 00:47:34,960
Speaker 5: didn't answer that question. He had a lawyer look up

930
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:38,440
Speaker 5: my grandparents address, and I shamed that man forever and

931
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:40,960
Speaker 5: I hope he hits his pinky toe on the corner

932
00:47:41,000 --> 00:47:41,640
Speaker 5: of his bed.

933
00:47:41,960 --> 00:47:45,200
Speaker 2: Every motherfucker has no be given out my fucking information.

934
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:50,120
Speaker 5: Yeah, and sent it to my grandparents, the person, the

935
00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:52,600
Speaker 5: people whose daughter you murdered, get fucked.

936
00:47:52,880 --> 00:47:57,880
Speaker 2: Fuck you all, But no, Loup, because that is fucking crazy. Hello,

937
00:47:58,320 --> 00:48:01,280
Speaker 2: Oh God, bless your grandparents. Could I couldn't even imagine

938
00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:05,520
Speaker 2: what they're thinking, especially your dad, your granddad, what he.

939
00:48:06,080 --> 00:48:08,960
Speaker 5: Has since passed away? He passed away in twenty twenty three,

940
00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:11,600
Speaker 5: and he was like, well, this is you know a lot.

941
00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:14,800
Speaker 5: I never shared with them the context of the letter.

942
00:48:15,560 --> 00:48:17,120
Speaker 5: I had a spiritual person in the time. She was like,

943
00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:22,040
Speaker 5: it's not necessary for them, this was for you. But

944
00:48:22,120 --> 00:48:24,760
Speaker 5: no to answer that, go back, I can answer any questions.

945
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:28,439
Speaker 5: Never talk to this person. When that detective reached out,

946
00:48:28,800 --> 00:48:32,560
Speaker 5: he shared her name with me, and so I looked

947
00:48:32,600 --> 00:48:34,440
Speaker 5: her up because we in the age of research.

948
00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:36,600
Speaker 2: Honey, yeah, listen, I'll find out find anything.

949
00:48:36,719 --> 00:48:37,000
Speaker 1: Baby.

950
00:48:37,680 --> 00:48:40,240
Speaker 5: My business part one of my business partners is a PI.

951
00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:42,759
Speaker 5: We got access. Don't play with me over here, right,

952
00:48:42,960 --> 00:48:46,760
Speaker 5: And so looked her up, saw her and I said, oh, okay,

953
00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:48,279
Speaker 5: this still has nothing to do with me.

954
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:52,080
Speaker 2: Yeah.

955
00:48:52,320 --> 00:48:52,480
Speaker 4: Man.

956
00:48:52,920 --> 00:48:54,960
Speaker 3: So what was the first step when you transforming your

957
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:58,120
Speaker 3: trauma into afficacy, Like, tell us about your business, your

958
00:48:58,160 --> 00:49:00,759
Speaker 3: nonprofit things, because I believe everything that doing is just

959
00:49:00,800 --> 00:49:03,799
Speaker 3: so amazing, and I think that for conversations like this,

960
00:49:03,920 --> 00:49:06,600
Speaker 3: like I feel so inspired by you, and I feel

961
00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:08,240
Speaker 3: like it's really going to help a lot of our listeners.

962
00:49:08,280 --> 00:49:10,000
Speaker 3: So tell us about your business and how did you

963
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:11,640
Speaker 3: get to that point? Did you want to use your

964
00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:13,040
Speaker 3: story to help others?

965
00:49:14,640 --> 00:49:17,560
Speaker 5: Honestly, it was that first time I was in the

966
00:49:17,560 --> 00:49:22,839
Speaker 5: hospital and I was like, oh, I want to do this.

967
00:49:23,480 --> 00:49:26,520
Speaker 5: Like it's when people are like, oh my god, I'm

968
00:49:26,520 --> 00:49:28,359
Speaker 5: a survivor. I want to do this work. And I'm

969
00:49:28,400 --> 00:49:30,520
Speaker 5: like okay, They're like, I want to do what you do,

970
00:49:30,560 --> 00:49:31,799
Speaker 5: and I said, but you don't know what I do

971
00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:34,319
Speaker 5: because I'm not going to always advertise what I do.

972
00:49:34,400 --> 00:49:37,960
Speaker 5: And also, just because we are survivors of certain traumas

973
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:40,319
Speaker 5: doesn't mean this it's to work for us. Yeah, right,

974
00:49:40,360 --> 00:49:43,200
Speaker 5: and it might be, but what can you offer, Like

975
00:49:43,200 --> 00:49:45,320
Speaker 5: what do you have that different?

976
00:49:45,640 --> 00:49:45,960
Speaker 2: Right?

977
00:49:46,360 --> 00:49:49,399
Speaker 5: It looks different? And so for me it started out

978
00:49:49,440 --> 00:49:52,440
Speaker 5: as the rape crisis counseling and then when I changed

979
00:49:52,440 --> 00:49:56,160
Speaker 5: my degree, I did two years working with juvenile sex

980
00:49:56,200 --> 00:50:01,040
Speaker 5: offenders and in a group home setting it Oh, we need.

981
00:50:00,960 --> 00:50:04,120
Speaker 2: Books, we need a books, we need a book.

982
00:50:04,680 --> 00:50:06,600
Speaker 5: You know, you're not the first, You're not the first.

983
00:50:06,640 --> 00:50:07,279
Speaker 6: We need a book.

984
00:50:07,600 --> 00:50:09,280
Speaker 2: Because now you gotta tell us about that.

985
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:14,800
Speaker 5: Because what I did two years working with juvenile sex offenders,

986
00:50:14,840 --> 00:50:19,359
Speaker 5: all boys, their ages were from eleven to eighteen, and

987
00:50:19,719 --> 00:50:23,799
Speaker 5: the degrees of harm that they caused varied, and people like,

988
00:50:23,880 --> 00:50:25,840
Speaker 5: well they were all harmed. That is that is not

989
00:50:25,920 --> 00:50:29,719
Speaker 5: accurate I will say fifty to fifty. Some of them

990
00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:32,879
Speaker 5: were just over sexualized and they saw things and wanted

991
00:50:32,920 --> 00:50:34,960
Speaker 5: to act it out. And what acted out in the

992
00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:39,520
Speaker 5: most harmful ways elderly blind family members, children like just

993
00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:43,680
Speaker 5: their parents like awful. And I learned a lot in

994
00:50:43,719 --> 00:50:47,760
Speaker 5: those two years. And from there I worked in mental health.

995
00:50:48,360 --> 00:50:51,759
Speaker 5: I did two years working with basically running them facility. Yeah,

996
00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:54,319
Speaker 5: I learned a lot there mental health and dual diagnosis,

997
00:50:54,320 --> 00:50:56,520
Speaker 5: which is addiction. I did. I was a two year

998
00:50:56,560 --> 00:50:58,160
Speaker 5: girl for a long time. I was like two years here,

999
00:50:58,200 --> 00:50:58,919
Speaker 5: we're learning. Yeah.

1000
00:51:00,080 --> 00:51:01,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, if you ain't trying to give me more money,

1001
00:51:01,520 --> 00:51:03,680
Speaker 2: I'm out two years.

1002
00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:06,200
Speaker 5: And like I wanted to learn, so, you know, mental health,

1003
00:51:06,200 --> 00:51:08,560
Speaker 5: you got to learn. So then I went to school

1004
00:51:08,600 --> 00:51:10,120
Speaker 5: and then I'm not school. I did go to school,

1005
00:51:10,160 --> 00:51:13,560
Speaker 5: but I then went and did two years in eating

1006
00:51:13,600 --> 00:51:17,920
Speaker 5: disorders and the through line through everything with sexual assault.

1007
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:20,120
Speaker 5: And I was like, you keep calling me back to

1008
00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:23,080
Speaker 5: this work, and I was like, fine, I'll do it.

1009
00:51:23,560 --> 00:51:26,440
Speaker 5: And so again, I just have always been someone that

1010
00:51:26,480 --> 00:51:28,160
Speaker 5: wanted to learn. So I did go to school for

1011
00:51:28,200 --> 00:51:31,040
Speaker 5: marriage and family therapy. I did not finish that because

1012
00:51:31,080 --> 00:51:33,200
Speaker 5: I did not like all of the things and I

1013
00:51:33,200 --> 00:51:35,799
Speaker 5: also didn't like the licensing because the ways that I work,

1014
00:51:35,880 --> 00:51:37,480
Speaker 5: if you need me to come help you get to

1015
00:51:37,480 --> 00:51:40,480
Speaker 5: get I'm gonna help you. I'm not gonna report that

1016
00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:43,160
Speaker 5: to nobody. We're going to get you to a safe space.

1017
00:51:43,480 --> 00:51:46,719
Speaker 5: I'm not doing any of that. And so that is

1018
00:51:46,800 --> 00:51:50,280
Speaker 5: kind of how the work evolved. The Jiminika projects started

1019
00:51:50,760 --> 00:51:57,280
Speaker 5: in twenty sixteen and really expanded into combining my mental

1020
00:51:57,280 --> 00:52:00,880
Speaker 5: health background with now becoming a comprehensive sexual the educator.

1021
00:52:01,360 --> 00:52:04,319
Speaker 5: I went and learned what that meant. I figured out

1022
00:52:04,320 --> 00:52:09,080
Speaker 5: my business practice. I'm a trained educator. I've taught middle school,

1023
00:52:09,120 --> 00:52:13,040
Speaker 5: the high school. I have created my own stuff. I

1024
00:52:13,080 --> 00:52:16,120
Speaker 5: went back to school, never subtle learning. So my master's

1025
00:52:16,120 --> 00:52:17,480
Speaker 5: degree is in health psychology.

1026
00:52:18,719 --> 00:52:21,359
Speaker 3: Like a smart brownie, now come on, now, come on,

1027
00:52:21,400 --> 00:52:24,200
Speaker 3: brownie with degree if it's.

1028
00:52:24,040 --> 00:52:28,000
Speaker 5: In health psychology. Because my idea of it was, we

1029
00:52:28,040 --> 00:52:30,239
Speaker 5: have medical doctors and we have psych doctors and they

1030
00:52:30,239 --> 00:52:34,040
Speaker 5: don't talk, but we're whole systems, So why aren't they communicating?

1031
00:52:34,080 --> 00:52:37,400
Speaker 5: Because oftentimes this psych problem can lead to medical problems,

1032
00:52:37,440 --> 00:52:40,000
Speaker 5: and medical problems can lead to psych problems. So I

1033
00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:44,000
Speaker 5: wanted to understand it, especially in sexual assault and trauma.

1034
00:52:44,400 --> 00:52:48,640
Speaker 5: It grows in our bodies into other things, Like a

1035
00:52:48,640 --> 00:52:51,239
Speaker 5: lot of individuals that have dealt with sexual assault have

1036
00:52:51,320 --> 00:52:54,839
Speaker 5: a lot of gut issues. So I wouldn't know that

1037
00:52:55,239 --> 00:52:59,520
Speaker 5: people because we hold that trauma in our shoulders, in

1038
00:52:59,560 --> 00:53:02,880
Speaker 5: our net o guts, so our bowels. I'll ask people, so,

1039
00:53:03,239 --> 00:53:04,160
Speaker 5: what's your bowels like?

1040
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:05,160
Speaker 2: They're like what.

1041
00:53:05,239 --> 00:53:07,160
Speaker 5: I'm like, I'm not trying to odd, It's not my thing.

1042
00:53:07,560 --> 00:53:09,680
Speaker 5: I'm just trying to see, like, what's happening to your

1043
00:53:09,719 --> 00:53:13,600
Speaker 5: digestive system? Right, we hold it in our hips, we

1044
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:16,200
Speaker 5: hold it in different places in our bodies, and so

1045
00:53:16,520 --> 00:53:19,279
Speaker 5: I wanted to learn that. During the pandemic, Mama said,

1046
00:53:19,280 --> 00:53:21,920
Speaker 5: oh we might die. It's looking grim. So I went

1047
00:53:21,960 --> 00:53:25,360
Speaker 5: to school for alternative medicine because I said this existed.

1048
00:53:26,600 --> 00:53:28,400
Speaker 2: Now we might die, So we go to school.

1049
00:53:28,640 --> 00:53:32,400
Speaker 5: Right, facts, Listen, Black girls are different, and I know

1050
00:53:33,640 --> 00:53:36,960
Speaker 5: what if medicine dissipates them pills we can't find, Like

1051
00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:41,160
Speaker 5: I don't go outside, was outside and get So I

1052
00:53:41,239 --> 00:53:45,160
Speaker 5: needed to learn what was outside. So I studied that.

1053
00:53:45,239 --> 00:53:50,200
Speaker 5: I studied hallucinogenic so I have a wide range of

1054
00:53:50,239 --> 00:53:54,160
Speaker 5: the work that I do. Your birthday May first, She's

1055
00:53:54,160 --> 00:53:54,600
Speaker 5: a Gemini.

1056
00:53:54,880 --> 00:53:57,040
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, okay, Gemini.

1057
00:53:57,160 --> 00:54:00,240
Speaker 5: Cancer aries is tatted on me. We got the Big three?

1058
00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:04,640
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, because I could say you you not stop,

1059
00:54:04,719 --> 00:54:05,600
Speaker 3: like you just keep.

1060
00:54:05,440 --> 00:54:07,040
Speaker 2: Going and going and going.

1061
00:54:07,120 --> 00:54:15,120
Speaker 3: So yes, right, oh wow? So do you ever do

1062
00:54:15,200 --> 00:54:17,680
Speaker 3: you ever get retriggered though? Like, how do you care

1063
00:54:17,719 --> 00:54:18,280
Speaker 3: for yourself?

1064
00:54:18,280 --> 00:54:18,799
Speaker 2: In this word?

1065
00:54:22,280 --> 00:54:23,880
Speaker 5: Do I get retriggered?

1066
00:54:24,320 --> 00:54:24,600
Speaker 1: Yes?

1067
00:54:25,160 --> 00:54:29,919
Speaker 5: Yeah, absolutely, you know. I think being triggered is how

1068
00:54:29,960 --> 00:54:34,000
Speaker 5: my nonprofit was created. I think being triggered is how

1069
00:54:34,040 --> 00:54:37,560
Speaker 5: I create these different resources. It is an experience that

1070
00:54:37,640 --> 00:54:40,799
Speaker 5: I now know how to exist in and instead of

1071
00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:42,640
Speaker 5: fighting it and being like I need to get out

1072
00:54:42,680 --> 00:54:46,040
Speaker 5: of it, it's information for me. Now It's like, oh,

1073
00:54:46,040 --> 00:54:47,560
Speaker 5: I didn't know that was a thing, right, because we

1074
00:54:47,640 --> 00:54:49,920
Speaker 5: will never know all of our triggers until they hit us.

1075
00:54:50,200 --> 00:54:51,640
Speaker 5: And then you're like, oh, should I know that was

1076
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:54,879
Speaker 5: a thing. But what I do do is I have

1077
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:59,160
Speaker 5: something for each one of my senses, right, So I

1078
00:54:59,200 --> 00:55:01,080
Speaker 5: have something that i'll I'll need to ground back in

1079
00:55:01,120 --> 00:55:03,839
Speaker 5: my body and to be present. And as long as

1080
00:55:03,880 --> 00:55:06,080
Speaker 5: I can be present and at least remove myself from

1081
00:55:06,080 --> 00:55:08,880
Speaker 5: that situation, I can deal with the rest. I can

1082
00:55:09,000 --> 00:55:11,959
Speaker 5: get my people, I call them a therapist, Like there's

1083
00:55:12,480 --> 00:55:16,879
Speaker 5: things that we have in alignment now, and that's that's

1084
00:55:16,920 --> 00:55:19,719
Speaker 5: the crazy part is we will never always know our triggers.

1085
00:55:19,920 --> 00:55:22,520
Speaker 5: We will never know everything, but you can be prepared

1086
00:55:22,560 --> 00:55:24,920
Speaker 5: for a what if just in case. Yeah, and then

1087
00:55:24,960 --> 00:55:26,680
Speaker 5: you can once you learn that you put that on list.

1088
00:55:26,680 --> 00:55:28,200
Speaker 5: Well that's some shit. I didn't know that was an option.

1089
00:55:28,320 --> 00:55:28,799
Speaker 5: Here we go.

1090
00:55:29,080 --> 00:55:31,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, what does your grandma think about all this? But

1091
00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:34,440
Speaker 3: the work you're doing, you sharing your story, Like, how

1092
00:55:34,440 --> 00:55:35,399
Speaker 3: does she feel about it?

1093
00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:39,920
Speaker 5: Well, well, you know, she's a kid. She used to

1094
00:55:40,000 --> 00:55:42,120
Speaker 5: be like, do you have to tell all your business?

1095
00:55:42,200 --> 00:55:47,600
Speaker 5: And I said yes, I said, because one, I also

1096
00:55:47,600 --> 00:55:51,360
Speaker 5: don't tell my business own right, But I do share

1097
00:55:51,400 --> 00:55:54,160
Speaker 5: a lot of things. But it's also curated in the

1098
00:55:54,200 --> 00:55:58,320
Speaker 5: sense of like being able to share enough, right, And yes,

1099
00:55:58,400 --> 00:56:02,480
Speaker 5: because like you said earlier, my words and my experiences

1100
00:56:02,520 --> 00:56:05,120
Speaker 5: are going to allow and support other people as they

1101
00:56:05,200 --> 00:56:07,080
Speaker 5: navigate and might help them with what they're.

1102
00:56:06,920 --> 00:56:07,880
Speaker 2: Going through facts.

1103
00:56:07,920 --> 00:56:10,319
Speaker 5: So if I can do that, I think that then

1104
00:56:10,360 --> 00:56:12,000
Speaker 5: that is a part of my journey. That is the

1105
00:56:12,040 --> 00:56:14,919
Speaker 5: part of the tools that I have, is my experience

1106
00:56:15,160 --> 00:56:17,520
Speaker 5: and the ways that I handle it or the tools

1107
00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:19,720
Speaker 5: that I created. I get to now share that with people.

1108
00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:22,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, And what's the one thing you want people to

1109
00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:24,440
Speaker 3: take from your story or just your journey?

1110
00:56:28,280 --> 00:56:32,239
Speaker 5: Is there are one thing? I don't know A couple

1111
00:56:32,280 --> 00:56:39,720
Speaker 5: of one things. Yeah. Takeaways are lean into your community facts.

1112
00:56:40,200 --> 00:56:41,160
Speaker 2: That's what I'm going through now.

1113
00:56:43,680 --> 00:56:47,120
Speaker 5: It is. I'm also a big person that believes that

1114
00:56:47,160 --> 00:56:51,200
Speaker 5: sexual thoughts is a community issue. The ways that show

1115
00:56:51,320 --> 00:56:53,759
Speaker 5: up for survivors and don't in the ways that we

1116
00:56:53,800 --> 00:56:57,000
Speaker 5: show up for perpetrators, and should it. That's exactly how

1117
00:56:57,040 --> 00:56:59,160
Speaker 5: I say it, And then they'd be like, oh shit, yeah,

1118
00:56:59,200 --> 00:57:04,719
Speaker 5: we shouldn't knock it off. Do I think that we

1119
00:57:04,760 --> 00:57:08,399
Speaker 5: shouldn't rush to them? No, But I do think that

1120
00:57:08,440 --> 00:57:11,319
Speaker 5: those that cause harm do need mental health support. Do

1121
00:57:11,400 --> 00:57:13,879
Speaker 5: I think that just putting people away and locking them

1122
00:57:13,920 --> 00:57:16,120
Speaker 5: up does any good? Know the fuck? I don't you

1123
00:57:16,240 --> 00:57:19,400
Speaker 5: just housing people to sit in their own shit? I

1124
00:57:19,440 --> 00:57:24,600
Speaker 5: believe them police reform absolutely. My takeaways are lean into

1125
00:57:24,640 --> 00:57:27,080
Speaker 5: your community and do it in a way that feels

1126
00:57:27,160 --> 00:57:29,720
Speaker 5: good for you. And you don't have to share more

1127
00:57:29,760 --> 00:57:32,240
Speaker 5: than you want to share when you are willing to

1128
00:57:32,320 --> 00:57:34,800
Speaker 5: share it, no matter well, I want to know your story.

1129
00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:37,120
Speaker 5: Shut up, shut down people that hit you with the

1130
00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:40,560
Speaker 5: five BULLSHITWS the who, what, win, wears, and whys, because

1131
00:57:40,560 --> 00:57:42,240
Speaker 5: that's not where we need to be inquisitive in my

1132
00:57:42,320 --> 00:57:44,680
Speaker 5: business unless you're trying to help me. And that's the

1133
00:57:44,760 --> 00:57:49,880
Speaker 5: share therapy is not a bad thing. But also talk

1134
00:57:49,960 --> 00:57:51,400
Speaker 5: therapy is not for everyone.

1135
00:57:52,080 --> 00:57:53,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, talk about it.

1136
00:57:55,320 --> 00:58:02,960
Speaker 5: Right, because a lot of therapists are not trained to

1137
00:58:03,080 --> 00:58:05,960
Speaker 5: work with sexual assault survivor. Everyone is not trained in

1138
00:58:05,960 --> 00:58:07,880
Speaker 5: that capacity just because they are a therapist. Those are

1139
00:58:07,880 --> 00:58:11,760
Speaker 5: specialty trainings that people have to go to. So I

1140
00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:14,480
Speaker 5: also want people to know that talk therapy is great.

1141
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:17,960
Speaker 5: Getting a coach is great. A quote a coach, a

1142
00:58:18,080 --> 00:58:20,880
Speaker 5: trauma specialist, It's great. I hate the word coach, but

1143
00:58:20,880 --> 00:58:23,520
Speaker 5: I also understand, so I call myself a trauma companion.

1144
00:58:23,800 --> 00:58:27,920
Speaker 2: M I love the Yeah, that's good because.

1145
00:58:27,600 --> 00:58:30,320
Speaker 5: I walk with you. I don't lead you to anything

1146
00:58:30,400 --> 00:58:32,320
Speaker 5: because who am I to tell you your journey? Who

1147
00:58:32,360 --> 00:58:34,320
Speaker 5: am I to tell you your story? That's crazy? We should

1148
00:58:34,360 --> 00:58:38,480
Speaker 5: be sharing things. Yeah, so find someone that speaks your

1149
00:58:38,600 --> 00:58:42,520
Speaker 5: language and community exists. Is going back to tending. The

1150
00:58:42,520 --> 00:58:45,680
Speaker 5: garden was created because of that. It was created at

1151
00:58:45,680 --> 00:58:48,440
Speaker 5: first to just be a space for women of color

1152
00:58:48,520 --> 00:58:50,640
Speaker 5: to be able to go and have a retreat for

1153
00:58:50,680 --> 00:58:53,640
Speaker 5: five days and learn it didn't work out. Pandemic cap

1154
00:58:53,680 --> 00:58:56,040
Speaker 5: and Retreat Centers SOTOL thirty thousand dollars from us still

1155
00:58:56,120 --> 00:58:59,760
Speaker 5: fuck them as well. But we were able to transfer

1156
00:58:59,840 --> 00:59:03,000
Speaker 5: in change and do digital things. And that's where I

1157
00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:06,920
Speaker 5: also saw there's a lot of communities that have been marginalized.

1158
00:59:06,920 --> 00:59:09,680
Speaker 5: We don't choose to be marginalized. People have made us marginalized.

1159
00:59:09,760 --> 00:59:13,360
Speaker 5: So since men, they are often overlooked as sexual assault

1160
00:59:13,360 --> 00:59:16,360
Speaker 5: survivors eighteen to twenty five college age, a lot of

1161
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:19,800
Speaker 5: things happen sex workers. Just because they agreed it one

1162
00:59:19,800 --> 00:59:22,520
Speaker 5: thing doesn't mean they continue to agree that is rape,

1163
00:59:23,520 --> 00:59:27,400
Speaker 5: Trans and non binary folks, women of color, disabled folks,

1164
00:59:27,440 --> 00:59:28,320
Speaker 5: they have these.

1165
00:59:28,160 --> 00:59:29,760
Speaker 2: Highable rates, yes.

1166
00:59:30,600 --> 00:59:34,640
Speaker 5: Highest rates elderly people of sexual assaults. So I wanted

1167
00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:36,400
Speaker 5: to make sure that we created a space for that.

1168
00:59:36,880 --> 00:59:40,520
Speaker 5: We launched a community space in April. Come you get

1169
00:59:40,520 --> 00:59:42,760
Speaker 5: a month free, please join. We need you to do

1170
00:59:42,760 --> 00:59:46,800
Speaker 5: support groups. There's support groups, there's care in there, there's

1171
00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:49,720
Speaker 5: check ins, there's other individuals. Y'all got to use the

1172
00:59:49,720 --> 00:59:52,800
Speaker 5: space for it to work, though, but it exists. And

1173
00:59:52,840 --> 00:59:56,760
Speaker 5: we created that because again I needed community, and I

1174
00:59:56,920 --> 01:00:00,480
Speaker 5: did seven years of support groups and I someone in

1175
01:00:00,520 --> 01:00:02,840
Speaker 5: to help me. She fucked it up and I had

1176
01:00:02,880 --> 01:00:04,840
Speaker 5: to end it because I wasn't able to be there

1177
01:00:04,840 --> 01:00:07,120
Speaker 5: because I had started working in wrestling, and so I

1178
01:00:07,120 --> 01:00:08,920
Speaker 5: had to end it. In Now this is like a

1179
01:00:09,000 --> 01:00:12,840
Speaker 5: revamp and an expansion is cheaper than what the words

1180
01:00:12,840 --> 01:00:14,680
Speaker 5: support groups just be twenty dollars a week, which is

1181
01:00:14,680 --> 01:00:18,720
Speaker 5: still affordable, but now the whole community space is like

1182
01:00:18,760 --> 01:00:19,800
Speaker 5: twenty dollars a month.

1183
01:00:20,320 --> 01:00:25,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, right, Like come like, yeah.

1184
01:00:25,520 --> 01:00:28,640
Speaker 5: We're gonna do classes in there. You know, we launched

1185
01:00:28,640 --> 01:00:31,600
Speaker 5: it in April and we are still you know, trying

1186
01:00:31,640 --> 01:00:34,360
Speaker 5: to build that space. And so another reason I come

1187
01:00:34,360 --> 01:00:37,640
Speaker 5: and talk on podcasts because I think we just don't

1188
01:00:37,680 --> 01:00:42,280
Speaker 5: know these resources exist. Like there was a law passed

1189
01:00:42,680 --> 01:00:45,280
Speaker 5: that I marched for in DC with thousands of other

1190
01:00:45,400 --> 01:00:50,720
Speaker 5: victims for victims compensation. Every state has victims compensation if

1191
01:00:50,720 --> 01:00:53,600
Speaker 5: you are harmed, if your family is harmed. It helps

1192
01:00:53,640 --> 01:00:57,840
Speaker 5: with moving, it helps with medical care. Every state has it,

1193
01:00:57,920 --> 01:01:01,640
Speaker 5: and we march for people to individually get more money.

1194
01:01:02,000 --> 01:01:04,320
Speaker 5: But if we don't know about it, it doesn't exist.

1195
01:01:04,520 --> 01:01:07,120
Speaker 2: Go ahead, and I didn't know that, so book it

1196
01:01:07,200 --> 01:01:08,760
Speaker 2: up and sharing it is different.

1197
01:01:09,640 --> 01:01:12,120
Speaker 5: Every state is different. I'm like I was marching in DC.

1198
01:01:12,360 --> 01:01:15,800
Speaker 5: I know it. No, it got passed. Now are we

1199
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:16,880
Speaker 5: in a wild time?

1200
01:01:17,560 --> 01:01:17,760
Speaker 6: Fuck?

1201
01:01:17,880 --> 01:01:25,720
Speaker 4: Yes, yes, west Child, Honey, turn this movie off, girl,

1202
01:01:27,080 --> 01:01:28,040
Speaker 4: But we're gonna get through it.

1203
01:01:29,280 --> 01:01:29,560
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1204
01:01:29,680 --> 01:01:32,360
Speaker 5: We need community, We need these resources that have been

1205
01:01:32,400 --> 01:01:35,880
Speaker 5: built and exists, so you know we're here. There's many

1206
01:01:35,920 --> 01:01:37,440
Speaker 5: of us out here creating things.

1207
01:01:37,760 --> 01:01:38,040
Speaker 6: Yeah.

1208
01:01:38,160 --> 01:01:40,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, before you drop all of your information, the

1209
01:01:40,680 --> 01:01:42,880
Speaker 3: websites where we can follow and support you, I have

1210
01:01:42,920 --> 01:01:46,680
Speaker 3: one last question. If your mother could see who you

1211
01:01:46,720 --> 01:01:48,320
Speaker 3: are today, what do you think she would say?

1212
01:01:50,040 --> 01:01:52,880
Speaker 5: Mmm? I think she would be proud of me.

1213
01:01:52,880 --> 01:01:53,200
Speaker 2: Me too.

1214
01:01:53,280 --> 01:01:55,840
Speaker 5: That's what the world say, That's what the spiritual guide say.

1215
01:01:56,080 --> 01:02:00,160
Speaker 5: Because I'm a little girl. Yeah, and everyone says like, no,

1216
01:02:00,320 --> 01:02:03,400
Speaker 5: she is proud of you for being this person. And

1217
01:02:03,400 --> 01:02:05,960
Speaker 5: they also my family has told me that we have

1218
01:02:06,000 --> 01:02:09,760
Speaker 5: a lot of similarities in the ways that we are

1219
01:02:09,760 --> 01:02:13,479
Speaker 5: go getters. What I don't do is not have a job.

1220
01:02:13,520 --> 01:02:14,680
Speaker 5: I'll figure out some coins.

1221
01:02:15,000 --> 01:02:16,919
Speaker 2: Listen, We're gonna figure it out.

1222
01:02:17,800 --> 01:02:20,880
Speaker 5: Figure it out. She was like that, and you know

1223
01:02:21,320 --> 01:02:23,560
Speaker 5: the ways that she took care of people, They cared

1224
01:02:23,560 --> 01:02:26,760
Speaker 5: for her. You know, when that man murdered her, he

1225
01:02:26,840 --> 01:02:31,880
Speaker 5: fled the scene. He was going to kidnap me. He

1226
01:02:32,480 --> 01:02:34,840
Speaker 5: killed her well, so he thought he killed or stabbed

1227
01:02:34,880 --> 01:02:36,640
Speaker 5: her to death and then took my body. That's why

1228
01:02:36,680 --> 01:02:41,080
Speaker 5: I was covered in blood. He was covered in blood, right,

1229
01:02:41,880 --> 01:02:46,480
Speaker 5: And so he went to go leave, and his sister

1230
01:02:46,600 --> 01:02:48,960
Speaker 5: was there. His sister was able to get me. He

1231
01:02:49,000 --> 01:02:50,280
Speaker 5: stole my mother's car and left.

1232
01:02:50,840 --> 01:02:54,000
Speaker 2: I said, to have happened to you, girl?

1233
01:02:54,760 --> 01:02:55,520
Speaker 5: Who knows? Right?

1234
01:02:55,680 --> 01:02:56,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, who knows?

1235
01:02:56,760 --> 01:02:59,720
Speaker 5: I probably wouldn't be here to have this conversation with you, right,

1236
01:03:00,200 --> 01:03:05,280
Speaker 5: in reality, I probably wouldn't be here. But I say

1237
01:03:05,320 --> 01:03:07,440
Speaker 5: all that to say, my mother and I are very similar,

1238
01:03:07,680 --> 01:03:09,640
Speaker 5: and the hood loves her. You know, the people love

1239
01:03:09,680 --> 01:03:11,439
Speaker 5: me as well, and I am very thankful for that.

1240
01:03:11,720 --> 01:03:13,600
Speaker 5: And when he did that, the Hood found out and

1241
01:03:13,600 --> 01:03:15,160
Speaker 5: they put a green light on him. For those that

1242
01:03:15,200 --> 01:03:16,240
Speaker 5: don't know what that means.

1243
01:03:16,000 --> 01:03:17,760
Speaker 2: Oh, we know what a green light means over here.

1244
01:03:18,440 --> 01:03:20,800
Speaker 5: Okay, they put a green light on him. So it

1245
01:03:20,920 --> 01:03:23,680
Speaker 5: was best for him to turn himself in if he

1246
01:03:23,760 --> 01:03:24,760
Speaker 5: wanted to live.

1247
01:03:27,520 --> 01:03:29,360
Speaker 2: Wait, what's your relationship like with his sister?

1248
01:03:30,400 --> 01:03:32,200
Speaker 5: I have nothing. I don't know those people. They don't

1249
01:03:32,240 --> 01:03:33,000
Speaker 5: get access to me.

1250
01:03:36,200 --> 01:03:36,760
Speaker 2: Wow.

1251
01:03:37,800 --> 01:03:41,880
Speaker 5: But also before you say that, also in the documents,

1252
01:03:41,880 --> 01:03:44,480
Speaker 5: his family, his mother and stuff said they wanted nothing

1253
01:03:44,480 --> 01:03:44,920
Speaker 5: to do with me.

1254
01:03:50,440 --> 01:03:52,920
Speaker 2: Wow, how old was your mom when she passed away.

1255
01:03:54,480 --> 01:03:56,040
Speaker 5: Twenty three?

1256
01:03:56,440 --> 01:03:58,960
Speaker 2: Twenty three years old and here you are thirty eight.

1257
01:04:00,360 --> 01:04:05,919
Speaker 5: Yeah. Wow. I celebrate her birthday in July thirty first

1258
01:04:05,960 --> 01:04:08,880
Speaker 5: every year, get a little treat and another thing like

1259
01:04:08,920 --> 01:04:11,080
Speaker 5: with my family not talking about her family. I found

1260
01:04:11,160 --> 01:04:14,040
Speaker 5: her obituary when I was young. They didn't know I

1261
01:04:14,120 --> 01:04:16,640
Speaker 5: had it, Like I just told my aunt this year

1262
01:04:16,640 --> 01:04:19,360
Speaker 5: that I had it. They still don't know. Well now

1263
01:04:19,360 --> 01:04:21,000
Speaker 5: they do, because you know, my mom gave me all

1264
01:04:21,000 --> 01:04:23,120
Speaker 5: this stuff, but they didn't know I had it. So

1265
01:04:23,320 --> 01:04:24,320
Speaker 5: no one had ever told.

1266
01:04:24,160 --> 01:04:27,760
Speaker 2: Me her birthday is if she never never was here,

1267
01:04:27,880 --> 01:04:29,080
Speaker 2: like she didn't exist.

1268
01:04:29,240 --> 01:04:33,040
Speaker 5: Well yes, and I think it's the hard parts of

1269
01:04:33,120 --> 01:04:36,360
Speaker 5: celebrating and knowing, because you know, they don't forget her.

1270
01:04:36,560 --> 01:04:39,000
Speaker 5: They can't. They they are reminded by me.

1271
01:04:39,520 --> 01:04:43,040
Speaker 3: True, yeah, but defended too that her birthday though, like.

1272
01:04:43,080 --> 01:04:46,360
Speaker 5: Wow, Bay and so my grandma was like, oh, I

1273
01:04:46,360 --> 01:04:48,320
Speaker 5: didn't know you celebrate her birthday. So yeah, I've been

1274
01:04:48,320 --> 01:04:50,680
Speaker 5: celebrating it for the last few years. And I am

1275
01:04:50,760 --> 01:04:55,840
Speaker 5: again thankful to my people that, like my best friends

1276
01:04:55,840 --> 01:05:00,960
Speaker 5: buy me cake to celebrate her mmmmm. And even when

1277
01:05:01,000 --> 01:05:03,760
Speaker 5: I'm like ah, they're like, come over, we got something

1278
01:05:03,840 --> 01:05:08,560
Speaker 5: for you. Like that That is love, that is care,

1279
01:05:08,680 --> 01:05:13,640
Speaker 5: that is community. I have siblings. I have sisters, and

1280
01:05:13,680 --> 01:05:15,600
Speaker 5: I have brothers that show up and take care of me.

1281
01:05:16,000 --> 01:05:19,720
Speaker 5: They are chosen and chosen. Family is so real because

1282
01:05:19,720 --> 01:05:20,560
Speaker 5: that's the choice real.

1283
01:05:20,880 --> 01:05:23,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeaheah, that's.

1284
01:05:23,480 --> 01:05:26,040
Speaker 5: A choice family. Sometimes we be like, well, that's crazy,

1285
01:05:26,040 --> 01:05:27,400
Speaker 5: I gotta suck with these niggas.

1286
01:05:27,360 --> 01:05:29,960
Speaker 2: Right, It's like, come on, God, these niggas.

1287
01:05:31,000 --> 01:05:31,200
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1288
01:05:31,480 --> 01:05:34,600
Speaker 5: So I am. I am very thankful that I have

1289
01:05:34,800 --> 01:05:37,160
Speaker 5: these people that allow me to exist and celebrate and

1290
01:05:37,280 --> 01:05:38,400
Speaker 5: show up and do all those.

1291
01:05:38,280 --> 01:05:41,080
Speaker 2: Things with them and just so gentle with you, like, oh.

1292
01:05:42,520 --> 01:05:44,880
Speaker 3: Man, I'm really happy we was able to make this.

1293
01:05:44,960 --> 01:05:46,520
Speaker 3: I'm so proud of you, sus Like, I think that

1294
01:05:46,640 --> 01:05:49,040
Speaker 3: everything that you're doing is amazing. I am here to

1295
01:05:49,080 --> 01:05:51,680
Speaker 3: support you now. You have a friend in me, So

1296
01:05:51,840 --> 01:05:53,880
Speaker 3: definitely let everyone know where we can follow you up,

1297
01:05:53,880 --> 01:05:56,120
Speaker 3: where we can support you at this center, this space,

1298
01:05:56,200 --> 01:05:58,600
Speaker 3: everything that you're doing, because I just think that you know,

1299
01:05:59,000 --> 01:06:01,560
Speaker 3: your story is in vain and I know it's helping

1300
01:06:01,600 --> 01:06:02,520
Speaker 3: so many people out there.

1301
01:06:03,760 --> 01:06:06,720
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm like, listen, I got sad shit to talk about.

1302
01:06:06,720 --> 01:06:08,520
Speaker 5: I got fun stuff to talk about because she's lived

1303
01:06:08,560 --> 01:06:10,200
Speaker 5: a life. So you know, if you want fun stuff,

1304
01:06:10,200 --> 01:06:13,240
Speaker 5: we can do that another day. But you can find

1305
01:06:13,320 --> 01:06:17,280
Speaker 5: me at Trauma Queen dot love, Tendingthegarden dot love to

1306
01:06:17,320 --> 01:06:19,040
Speaker 5: find out about the nonprofit. I was like, we need

1307
01:06:19,120 --> 01:06:21,600
Speaker 5: to revamp the website, but all of that's there, the

1308
01:06:21,680 --> 01:06:25,840
Speaker 5: community aspect everything Jiminico on all social medias because there's

1309
01:06:25,840 --> 01:06:27,400
Speaker 5: only one of me. If you expel it, you can

1310
01:06:27,480 --> 01:06:32,200
Speaker 5: find me yea and tending Tendingthegarden dot four. The number

1311
01:06:32,320 --> 01:06:35,200
Speaker 5: dot s A s is what we are on social medias.

1312
01:06:35,560 --> 01:06:37,880
Speaker 5: Come find us, follow us, get in our business. We

1313
01:06:37,920 --> 01:06:40,720
Speaker 5: don't want to giveaway like we love giving away vibrators

1314
01:06:40,800 --> 01:06:41,440
Speaker 5: and pleasure.

1315
01:06:41,800 --> 01:06:45,640
Speaker 2: Ye were all about pleasure now, okay, yes, yes, so.

1316
01:06:45,800 --> 01:06:47,600
Speaker 5: It's that's where we're at all over there.

1317
01:06:48,040 --> 01:06:50,800
Speaker 2: Well, Jimmy Nka, thank you so much. I appreciate you.

1318
01:06:50,960 --> 01:06:52,920
Speaker 3: And to listeners, if you have any questions com us

1319
01:06:52,960 --> 01:06:54,920
Speaker 3: with concerns, make sure you follow her and also email

1320
01:06:54,960 --> 01:06:58,640
Speaker 3: me at hello at the psgpodcast dot com. And until

1321
01:06:58,920 --> 01:07:01,400
Speaker 3: next time. That's what I'm talking about. We gotta get

1322
01:07:01,400 --> 01:07:04,040
Speaker 3: this book deal child, so we can get this movie gone.

1323
01:07:04,360 --> 01:07:04,600
Speaker 6: Yeah.

1324
01:07:06,160 --> 01:07:10,680
Speaker 2: Until next time. Everyone, Later you're gonna say.

1325
01:07:10,560 --> 01:07:13,520
Speaker 5: Bye, oh Borry, Sorry, sorry, bye y'all.

1326
01:07:20,480 --> 01:07:23,960
Speaker 3: Pretty Private is a production of the Black appec podcast network.

1327
01:07:24,240 --> 01:07:25,560
Speaker 3: For more podcasts from.

1328
01:07:25,480 --> 01:07:28,400
Speaker 2: iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio.

1329
01:07:27,840 --> 01:07:31,880
Speaker 3: App, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

1330
01:07:32,280 --> 01:07:35,720
Speaker 3: Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show, and you

1331
01:07:35,800 --> 01:07:39,360
Speaker 3: can connect with me on social media at Pretty Private Podcasts.