Speaker 1: Hi, what's your name?
Speaker 2: I'm Crash.
Speaker 3: What's your name?
Speaker 1: You're crash?
Speaker 2: Yeah, like crashing a car? Well it was a motorcycle.
Speaker 1: But yeah, you don't have to tell me what your
Speaker 1: real name is. But is that your real name?
Speaker 2: No, it's not, but it's what I go by. It's
Speaker 2: my road name.
Speaker 1: It's your road name. I feel like Crash is an
Speaker 1: unfortunate road name to have, because nobody on the road
Speaker 1: wants to crash.
Speaker 2: Right, Well, that's how I got the road name.
Speaker 1: Lyle Uh, did you crash into something?
Speaker 2: I totld? My brand new motorcycle is a Harley. I
Speaker 2: had it for three days. Man, So sad?
Speaker 1: Are you a motorcycle driver?
Speaker 3: Now?
Speaker 1: Do you still drive motorcycles?
Speaker 2: I haven't been able to get a new one. I
Speaker 2: don't know if you know this. The motorcycles are at
Speaker 2: least like ten dollars and I can't really save that
Speaker 2: kind of money in this economy.
Speaker 1: You there at least at least Okay, what's the most
Speaker 1: amount of money they are?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: So, Crash, while, what's up with you? Is there any
Speaker 1: particular thing that you called in to talk about? Yeah?
Speaker 2: I just kind of wanted to rant a little about
Speaker 2: my dissociative amnesia because people don't understand, like in my life,
Speaker 2: and I wanted to just talk to a third party
Speaker 2: who doesn't know me.
Speaker 1: What is dissociative amnesia.
Speaker 2: So the best I understand it is like something traumatic
Speaker 2: happens to you and you just end up like dissociating
Speaker 2: through your whole life. So the older you get, the
Speaker 2: less you remember. In my case, I remember like six
Speaker 2: months to a year before today, and I get little
Speaker 2: flashes of my memory here and there, but I don't
Speaker 2: really remember jack shit. And then like also depersonalization, derealization,
Speaker 2: like imagine feeling like genuinely feeling like you're living in
Speaker 2: a simulation, and any memories you have or like distant dreams.
Speaker 2: It's kind of like that.
Speaker 1: It says here that you have no memory of your
Speaker 1: life before a year ago. Is that true?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: So I'll just get like little flashes of memories here
Speaker 2: and there, but like I said, they just kind of
Speaker 2: feel like dreams. They don't feel like my memories. But
Speaker 2: mostly I only remember things from like before a year ago.
Speaker 1: Interesting, so you only have a year's worth of memory.
Speaker 2: Pretty much. Yeah, Like I'll give you an example that
Speaker 2: I told Tim, and which shout out to Tim, He's amazing.
Speaker 2: But basically, I looked at a picture that I took
Speaker 2: a polaroid and it had me and like three of
Speaker 2: my friends we were at the fair. Uh. And one
Speaker 2: of the front that I supposedly had I don't recognize
Speaker 2: at all. I don't remember going to the fair. I
Speaker 2: don't remember ever having a polaroid camera at that time.
Speaker 2: It was very weird. It's like I was looking at
Speaker 2: some like like I said, simulation shit, you know mm.
Speaker 1: And so I mean, what about like your relationships, How
Speaker 1: has this affected your relationships? Do you do you have friends?
Speaker 1: Do you have family? And if so, do you what
Speaker 1: do you remember about them?
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I there's a few exes who I don't remember,
Speaker 2: but like my family will ask about them and I
Speaker 2: don't really recall. I do have family, and I remember
Speaker 2: all my family because I talk to them like all
Speaker 2: the time. To make sure that I can remember, I
Speaker 2: really actively every day have to like do things to
Speaker 2: keep my memory sharp for things that are import in
Speaker 2: as far as my relationship goes, I do have a
Speaker 2: boyfriend h and he doesn't really get it. He doesn't understand.
Speaker 2: So like I'll dissociate and he'll just be talking to me,
Speaker 2: and I'll notice he's talking, but I'm not like actually
Speaker 2: hearing what he's saying. I'll be like what, and he
Speaker 2: gets mad, But I love him anyway. But yeah, as
Speaker 2: far as that goes, I just my memory, like long
Speaker 2: term is gone, and my short term memory sucks too.
Speaker 2: But I try every day to remember to you know,
Speaker 2: utilize things that I have to remember what I can,
Speaker 2: like calendar events, alarms, et cetera.
Speaker 1: And what aspects of your life in particular do you
Speaker 1: think of are the most affected by this?
Speaker 3: Oh jeez, I don't know. That's a great question.
Speaker 2: It's not like the memory aspect that affects me the most,
Speaker 2: but the dissociation, because like I had dissociated my whole life,
Speaker 2: and I continue to dissociate every day. So I'll just
Speaker 2: like be on total autopilot. That's kind of how I
Speaker 2: describe it as just autopilot. I'll be driving. I drive
Speaker 2: for a living, I work for your mamate. It's a
Speaker 2: lot of driving, and I'll just go from you know,
Speaker 2: point A to point B, and that could be like
Speaker 2: a fifteen minute drive and I'll be leaving the store
Speaker 2: and all of a sudden, I'll be at the next like,
Speaker 2: and I just don't recall any of the drive. Yeah,
Speaker 2: so that it affects me on a daily basis like that,
Speaker 2: but also you know, feeling like I'm in a simulation
Speaker 2: and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: So, you know, I asked you about your relationships, and
Speaker 1: you you told me about you know, your boyfriend. But
Speaker 1: what about your friends? Are they like? Like? Because I
Speaker 1: assume that at the time, I assume that you have
Speaker 1: friends in your life that you have had for perhaps
Speaker 1: over a year. How what have those relationships been like?
Speaker 1: How have they been affected?
Speaker 2: So that is an interesting assumption to say I have friends.
Speaker 2: I do have one friend that I've had since like
Speaker 2: twenty sixteen, and because we still talk on a semi
Speaker 2: regular basis, I am able to remember her obviously, But
Speaker 2: as far as things that we did when we first
Speaker 2: became friends or people that we invited into our inner circle,
Speaker 2: none of that really comes to mind at all. I
Speaker 2: don't remember much of anything, which really sucks, because there's
Speaker 2: a lot of really really great things that we've done
Speaker 2: together that Sh'll described to me, and it's just it's
Speaker 2: just gone.
Speaker 1: When you're being described memories of yourself by people that
Speaker 1: you're close to, is any part of you almost re
Speaker 1: experiencing them in a way.
Speaker 2: Only when I am looking at pictures and videos of
Speaker 2: things that I did, I am able to somewhat relive it.
Speaker 2: I have that to be true. Like I have videos,
Speaker 2: like she was telling me about this cool concert we
Speaker 2: went to, and I have a video of it, but
Speaker 2: it's only really able to remember any of it when
Speaker 2: I watched the video, And that's only the video part
Speaker 2: that I was able to remember, because it was obviously
Speaker 2: a memory memory. But to me, it doesn't feel like
Speaker 2: a memory. It feels like I'm just watching it, and
Speaker 2: it's almost like a sense of deja vus, Like obviously
Speaker 2: I know I've been there, but I don't remember being there.
Speaker 1: So I want to know with with you, your personality,
Speaker 1: your hobbies, your interests, the you know, these things that
Speaker 1: take many years to develop. Like do you do you
Speaker 1: find yourself having to recreate yourself in a way?
Speaker 2: Well, I don't think so. I feel like, you know,
Speaker 2: we're we're always changing, you know, we're always changing people,
Speaker 2: so it of course I'm not going to be like
Speaker 2: the same person that I was, And I feel like
Speaker 2: I can't just contribute that to the aminsia. But I
Speaker 2: do find myself like doing a lot more things that
Speaker 2: I wouldn't have normally done. I do find myself acting
Speaker 2: in certain ways that I probably wouldn't otherwise.
Speaker 3: Just because of.
Speaker 1: This, can I hear what those ways that you act
Speaker 1: that you believe you and' otherwise are well?
Speaker 2: I Since the diagnosis, I've tended to try to be
Speaker 2: more optimistic and friendly to people and kind because I
Speaker 2: have a lot of people who approach me quite often.
Speaker 2: I wouldn't say quite daily basis, but often like at
Speaker 2: least a few times a week, and I won't recognize them,
Speaker 2: but they'll say, you know, hey, we went to school
Speaker 2: for seven years together and we were in and one
Speaker 2: time we went on a field trip and I won't
Speaker 2: remember them. And then there will be, you know, another
Speaker 2: person who And this is when I first realized that
Speaker 2: I had a problem in my brain. Someone told me, yeah,
Speaker 2: I mean you were like the biggest like middle school
Speaker 2: bully to me, like you were awful, and you know
Speaker 2: you're just a yeah apparently, and just telling me how
Speaker 2: much of a piece of shit I was in middle school,
Speaker 2: which kids suck. We're all pieces of shit as kid.
Speaker 2: But since then, I really try to lead with as
Speaker 2: much kindness and respect as I can because I don't
Speaker 2: want to keep running into those instances where people will
Speaker 2: approach me and be like, hey, you're a piece of
Speaker 2: shit and I won't even know who they are.
Speaker 1: Is that I mean? I mean? Is that true? Is
Speaker 1: is I The phenomenon in general of you being approached
Speaker 1: by people who are from your past that you don't
Speaker 1: recognize but that know you is an interesting one. But
Speaker 1: is it? Is it really true that you're finding a
Speaker 1: majority of those interactions to be negative?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 2: No, not the majority to be negative by any means.
Speaker 2: But I feel like one is too many, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean? I feel like one person approaching me
Speaker 2: like that is too many. And I've only had two
Speaker 2: people approach me like that, but that's still too many
Speaker 2: to me, And I feel like that means I should
Speaker 2: be changing as a person, and so I try to,
Speaker 2: you know, lead with kindness nowadays and try to really
Speaker 2: be the best person that I can be, even if
Speaker 2: I don't remember it in the future.
Speaker 1: Interesting, do you do you know if this I guess
Speaker 1: year lag of memory? Do you know I assume you've
Speaker 1: talked to you do. You do a lot of work
Speaker 1: with like psychologists and doctors about all this stuff.
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, the healthcare where I live is really really bad.
Speaker 2: I got this diagnosis, amongst others, from my therapist, my
Speaker 2: real therapist that I used to have, and but she
Speaker 2: can't really like put it on ten and paper. I
Speaker 2: have to see an actual neurologists for this one because
Speaker 2: it's so severe. And when I made the appointment a
Speaker 2: month ago, the neurologist said that the next opening is
Speaker 2: March thirteenth of next year. So in order to get
Speaker 2: any treatment or anything or you know, a pen and
Speaker 2: paper or sorry, like a hard copy of this diagnosis,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna have to wait till March.
Speaker 1: Do you know it all from anything that anyone has
Speaker 1: told you or from the highly reliable Internet, whether or
Speaker 1: not you you believe this will will persist as you continue?
Speaker 1: Like you know? Will will? You do you know if
Speaker 1: you'll be able to remember a year ago a year
Speaker 1: from now.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm actively trying to find ways to not dissociate
Speaker 2: every day, but it's a lot harder than it sounds.
Speaker 2: And having no memory, the amnesia, it takes no energy.
Speaker 2: What takes the energy is trying to remember. But I'm
Speaker 2: in this phase where I'm done trying to remember and
Speaker 2: I'm just trying to accept you know that I just
Speaker 2: will never remember again. Those are lost memories. So it's
Speaker 2: I don't know. I try to find ways to make
Speaker 2: it so I'm not dissociating. But it's a lot harder
Speaker 2: than it sounds.
Speaker 1: When you say you're trying to find ways not to disassociate.
Speaker 1: What are those ways?
Speaker 2: So I'll try to, like, like, honestly, lately, what's been
Speaker 2: helping me stay in the present moment while I'm like driving,
Speaker 2: for example, is I'm listening to your podcast Therapy Get Goo.
Speaker 2: That's been really helping keeping me in the present, just
Speaker 2: always having something going that I can relate memories to.
Speaker 2: So I'll be listening to your podcast or whatever podcast
Speaker 2: while I'm driving, or while i'm working, while I'm playing Minecraft,
Speaker 2: like fucking anything, and I try to keep things on.
Speaker 2: So if I can tie memories together, I've found that
Speaker 2: that helps me remember at least one of the things.
Speaker 2: If I could tie memories together.
Speaker 1: And has this been effective for you at all? I
Speaker 1: know you're saying that it's hard, and I'm sure it's
Speaker 1: very hard. You're fighting actively against you know, something going
Speaker 1: on with you rologically that you haven't even had the
Speaker 1: opportunity to really, really, you know, work on in a
Speaker 1: professional way. Has has has your your technique's been effective
Speaker 1: at all for you and helping you not just associate.
Speaker 2: I feel like I don't have the answer to that
Speaker 2: at this point in time, because I've only been trying
Speaker 2: this for the last week. So I feel like I'm
Speaker 2: gonna have to EXPERI a minute, a little longer until
Speaker 2: I can really know for sure if it's being effective.
Speaker 2: I mean, for example, like I think it was Sunday, Yeah,
Speaker 2: the Sunday. I was listening to your podcast all day,
Speaker 2: and I remember actually quite a bit of Sunday versus like,
Speaker 2: oh god, I don't even know what I did yesterday.
Speaker 2: Like my short term memory is just as bad as
Speaker 2: my long term, but it's not as severe because one
Speaker 2: little idea, I can bring back all my memories from
Speaker 2: the other day, so it's not a big deal. But
Speaker 2: I think I think it is effective so far.
Speaker 1: What do you hope for the future, Crash.
Speaker 2: I'm just hoping to keep making really good memories, whether
Speaker 2: I remember them or not, because I still want to
Speaker 2: live in the present. I don't know how long I have,
Speaker 2: you know, between you and me, and I haven't really
Speaker 2: told too many people. But I'm getting screened for cancer
Speaker 2: next week, and you know I'm young, and so that's
Speaker 2: I'm trying to really live my best life and remember
Speaker 2: what I can while I can.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what kind of memories are you? Are you hoping
Speaker 1: to make?
Speaker 4: Well?
Speaker 3: I would really love to travel.
Speaker 2: I would love to travel and see everything I can.
Speaker 2: You know, I've I've seen the Grand Canyon, I've seen
Speaker 2: Niagara Falls. I've seen a lot of really beautiful things.
Speaker 2: But I want to see more. I want to go
Speaker 2: to more shows, like I'm going to Aftershock.
Speaker 1: Uh what do they do? Are they em next weekend?
Speaker 2: Oh? No, I am going to an M show? To
Speaker 2: you know, Aftershock is like that rock and metal show
Speaker 2: like Kiss or playing my Chemical Romance Emo Ship.
Speaker 1: Okay, I thought it was the guy.
Speaker 2: And then I'm going to another festival.
Speaker 1: Do you know who I'm talking about?
Speaker 2: No, I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't want somebody somebody somebody knows what I'm I'm
Speaker 1: talking about. I'm sorry interrupt you. So you're going to
Speaker 1: a metal show, an E D M show? And then
Speaker 1: what other kind of show.
Speaker 2: Uh so, yeah, that that metal festival is like a
Speaker 2: three day festival. And then I'm going to this one
Speaker 2: called Second Sky. It's this d M artist Porter Robinson.
Speaker 2: It's a that that'll be fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I
Speaker 2: just found out.
Speaker 1: Yeah please.
Speaker 2: So I'm sure you heard about that song of that
Speaker 2: one guy fucked this girl too for two years see
Speaker 2: bat By Hudson Mohawks.
Speaker 1: Why have I have not heard of that at all?
Speaker 2: Oh my god? It was a huge, a huge thing. Anyway,
Speaker 2: so this huge thing. I'm going to be seeing it live.
Speaker 2: He's playing at that freakin' show, So I'm excited for
Speaker 2: that anyway. So what were you gonna ask?
Speaker 1: He had sex with someone for two whole years while
Speaker 1: playing that song?
Speaker 2: Yes, and it's a terrible song. I recommend listening to
Speaker 2: it so you could get the full picture.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'll check that out. Fuck what was I going
Speaker 1: to say?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: Yes, I remember, I was going to ask you, you
Speaker 1: know has has this amnique? Because it sounds like you
Speaker 1: you're you're making a lot of plans to go out
Speaker 1: and do a lot of things to really make a
Speaker 1: lot of of of the moment of the time that
Speaker 1: you have I mean, all of us, everyone alive, no
Speaker 1: one really really has any idea how much time they have.
Speaker 1: I'm wondering, I'm, you know, has the fuck I guess
Speaker 1: I don't know if you will be able to answer
Speaker 1: this smart asket anyway. Do you think that this whole
Speaker 1: thing has kicked you into some kind of a gear
Speaker 1: of trying to do more with yourself? I guess I'm
Speaker 1: thinking I don't know if you have that much of
Speaker 1: a handle of you know, how you lived your life,
Speaker 1: you know, in the past. I don't know if you
Speaker 1: have an idea of that based off what other people
Speaker 1: have told you. But do you think that something about
Speaker 1: all of this has inspired you to want to go
Speaker 1: do more?
Speaker 2: In a way? Probably? I mean, there's a lot of
Speaker 2: different things in going on in my life that has
Speaker 2: kind of kicked me into doing this kind of stuff.
Speaker 2: But I have always been if I know anything about myself,
Speaker 2: I've always been super adventurous, real seeking. I'm a wanderlust
Speaker 2: like I want to do any and everything I can,
Speaker 2: and I've just always kind of been like that. But
Speaker 2: now that I know I may or may not remember it,
Speaker 2: I guess I am trying to do it a little
Speaker 2: more as much as I can.
Speaker 1: Interesting. It's an interesting thing. You're a person who lives
Speaker 1: very much for adventures and experiences. I get that on
Speaker 1: a similar way, and yet you're not sure if you'll
Speaker 1: even be able to remember them, and so you really,
Speaker 1: truly are almost almost against your will living in the moment. Truly,
Speaker 1: the only way that you can even experience something is
Speaker 1: right as you're experiencing it. It's not I mean, there's
Speaker 1: the anticipatory thing, but there there's not a memory. It's
Speaker 1: just right there, right now, as you're doing it. That's
Speaker 1: interesting exactly.
Speaker 2: And the worst part is too, is like I've been
Speaker 2: real lot of shows I have, like memories pop up
Speaker 2: on my Snapchat or my Facebook or whatever, you know,
Speaker 2: those dang tweety apps that the kids use, but I
Speaker 2: don't have memories of them. And the thing that I
Speaker 2: used to do with all these shows is I would
Speaker 2: turn my phone off and put it away. I've never
Speaker 2: been one to record the shows or take pictures because
Speaker 2: I wanted to live in the moment. And I'm kind
Speaker 2: of kicking myself for that now because I don't have
Speaker 2: the videos or pictures of the show or you know,
Speaker 2: many with people that I've seen because I was too
Speaker 2: busy living in the moment, and now I can't remember
Speaker 2: any of it.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, Crash, listen, I hope that you have
Speaker 1: many more adventures where you're able to live in the moment.
Speaker 1: And it's funny you bring that up as a thing
Speaker 1: you're lamenting, because I almost feel like a lot of
Speaker 1: people experience the opposites where it's like they actually spent
Speaker 1: most of the concert trying to record it and never
Speaker 1: actually looked up and saw the band with their eyes.
Speaker 1: I try to do. I try to just I fucking
Speaker 1: take a little picture just so I remember it, and
Speaker 1: then I put it away and I try to live
Speaker 1: in in the in the thing, and I sway around
Speaker 1: and whatnot.
Speaker 2: That's what I'm practicing right now. To my last two
Speaker 2: shows I went to, I recorded like the very beginning
Speaker 2: of everything that was going on, and then I put
Speaker 2: my phone away and I enjoyed the rest of it.
Speaker 2: And that's served me well so far.
Speaker 1: Well, Crash, thanks for sharing all of this stuff. This
Speaker 1: was very interesting. I hope that I'm really I'm impressed.
Speaker 1: I'm glad to hear that you still have a very
Speaker 1: adventurous spirit and and a lot of desires and hopes
Speaker 1: for the future in light of you know, all the
Speaker 1: stuff that you you know is going on with you,
Speaker 1: and I hope you're able to you know, cross off
Speaker 1: the the various experiences on your list. Is there anything
Speaker 1: else that you want to say to the people that
Speaker 1: can or any other aspect of anything that you feel
Speaker 1: like we didn't get to, or any any final comments, thoughts,
Speaker 1: feelings before we before we go.
Speaker 2: I don't know, like part of me wants to say, Hey,
Speaker 2: live in the moment and just really enjoy what's going
Speaker 2: on in the present. But who knows if you get
Speaker 2: memory issues later on and you regret it, so I
Speaker 2: feel like it's not very good advice.
Speaker 1: Well, this is an interesting thing that we're talking about,
Speaker 1: of like some finding a balance between living in the
Speaker 1: thing and documenting the thing. I think a lot of
Speaker 1: people try to struggle that balance, you know, struggle with
Speaker 1: that balance, but I think I think it exists a
Speaker 1: proper amount of.
Speaker 2: Each I'll look for that balance for you while I'll
Speaker 2: let you know.
Speaker 1: Thank you very much for calling cash.
Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you, I'll see you later.
Speaker 1: Take care. That was interesting. I like to that call,
Speaker 1: trying to think what I feel like I learned from
Speaker 1: it very interesting predicament her like finding out things about
Speaker 1: herself retroactively, retroactively from like her parents and people she
Speaker 1: meets in her town about you know, her ex boyfriends
Speaker 1: or how she was in middle school or any of
Speaker 1: that stuff. I would have try. I would like have trouble,
Speaker 1: you know, because I don't know some guy I met
Speaker 1: outside of a grocery store telling me that I was
Speaker 1: an asshole in middle school. And I wouldn't even believe
Speaker 1: that person, you know, what credibility do they even have?
Speaker 1: But yeah, I like that she still had this this
Speaker 1: thirst for adventure and experiences and no, you know this
Speaker 1: this like I noticed in her, like a lamentation. Is
Speaker 1: that a word lament a tation of lament lamentation. I
Speaker 1: think that's a word, a lamentation of memories lost, but
Speaker 1: not in such a way where she's sitting around, you know,
Speaker 1: so upset about the lost memories that she's debilitated from
Speaker 1: making future ones. And that that that's what I like
Speaker 1: about her and what I like about that story. And
Speaker 1: I hope she takes many cool concert videos and pictures
Speaker 1: and whatnot in the future and then puts her phone
Speaker 1: down and looks at stuff.
Speaker 5: Hello, Hey, is this wild?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Who is this?
Speaker 4: This is Michael.
Speaker 1: Michael. How's it going, man?
Speaker 4: Not much I'm doing. I'm doing all right. Yeah.
Speaker 1: How are you? I'm good? What's uh? How can I
Speaker 1: get you?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 4: So I had this acid trip with some friends, maybe
Speaker 4: like five or six years ago, and ever since then,
Speaker 4: like I just have this thought in the back of
Speaker 4: my head that like reality isn't real because like, sorry,
Speaker 4: I gotta tell you the story with what happened. So
Speaker 4: to of my friends, we decided to do acid in
Speaker 4: his parents' house basement and they were off in another country.
Speaker 4: So we did it, and my friend he kind of
Speaker 4: kind of pushed me to take two tabs instead of
Speaker 4: just one. And I have a very low tolerance for drugs,
Speaker 4: but I just did it because I wasn't like I
Speaker 4: don't know anything about it. So we did it, and
Speaker 4: like my mind is going like a mile a minute.
Speaker 4: I'm like, we're watching like Neil de grass Tyson or whatever,
Speaker 4: and I'm thinking, like I'm solving all the problems of
Speaker 4: the universe. And so I'm basically talking a lot and
Speaker 4: my friends are like, hey, Michael, like we just chill
Speaker 4: when we do this, So the vibe was offered me there,
Speaker 4: so I basically stopped talking and then I.
Speaker 1: Was like, all right, so so you're telling me you're hot,
Speaker 1: you're stoned on acid? Can you be stoned on acid?
Speaker 1: Who goes? So you're high on acid and you're talking
Speaker 1: and then your friend says to you, you know, Michael,
Speaker 1: we usually just chill when we do this.
Speaker 4: Yeah it was not. I mean they were on acid too,
Speaker 4: but it definitely did not give me a good vine.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah too, Okay continue.
Speaker 4: So then so then I ended up just like talking
Speaker 4: to myself for a while because as I was like
Speaker 4: coming up, I was like trying to not forget who
Speaker 4: I was. So I was just renaming people in my
Speaker 4: life over and over again. And then you know, I
Speaker 4: I had the whole ass experience where like it was crazy.
Speaker 4: I saw the universe be born, and I lived through
Speaker 4: all that. I had all the answers, and then like
Speaker 4: then I started coming down. And when I was coming down,
Speaker 4: I was like I would wake up in that basement
Speaker 4: and then like I was like, all right, I have
Speaker 4: to get out of this or else I'm never going
Speaker 4: to be myself again. So it's like, I gotta get
Speaker 4: out of this basement, so I would. I did it
Speaker 4: maybe a hundred times. There was just more thoughts of
Speaker 4: me leaving the basement and doing like crazier and crazier
Speaker 4: things each time, Like one time I went outside to
Speaker 4: a glass at a house, which is what was all
Speaker 4: my imagination or whatever. One time I got in my
Speaker 4: car and I drove into a tree. But then I
Speaker 4: would always just wake up back in the in the basement.
Speaker 4: But then finally after all these times like escaping, like
Speaker 4: when I was actually coming down and like got up
Speaker 4: and my friends, who were also tripping on acid, like
Speaker 4: we're like, I was like, I got to get out
Speaker 4: of his basement. They're like, Michael, no, we got to
Speaker 4: stay down because he had like his aunt and uncle upstairs.
Speaker 4: And they were like, no, we got to stay down
Speaker 4: here because we're on drugs and they'd be weird. And
Speaker 4: so then I ended up actually like wrestling them and
Speaker 4: I punched one of them in the jaw, and then
Speaker 4: and then I sprinted upstairs, and like they followed me,
Speaker 4: not knowing what to do, and so like I went
Speaker 4: into the kitchen and the aunt was there, and I
Speaker 4: was like trying to act on normal, trying to figure
Speaker 4: out if this reality was the real one. So I
Speaker 4: I go grab a glass to fill with the water,
Speaker 4: and she's like, oh, what are you guys doing. We're
Speaker 4: just watching movies. And I go stand behind her and
Speaker 4: I just look at her for a second, look at
Speaker 4: my friends, and then I actually just smacked the shit
Speaker 4: out of her from behind her. And that ended up
Speaker 4: your friends? Yeah, No, it was one of my friends,
Speaker 4: the guy's house. We were at his like aunts.
Speaker 1: Was there his aunt?
Speaker 2: So?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you so you smacked your friend's aunt.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Was she on acid?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 4: No, they had no idea that we were dripping in
Speaker 4: the basement.
Speaker 1: Okay, how did she or how did she react to that?
Speaker 4: While she just turned around started screaming and crying. And
Speaker 4: then like my two friends were just in shock, and
Speaker 4: my the the guy's uncle like came over and he
Speaker 4: was like high as fuck on weed. They didn't really
Speaker 4: do anything, and yeah, my friends drove me home. Oh
Speaker 4: and before in the story, I had like called my parents,
Speaker 4: who were like very anti drugs, and told them like everything.
Speaker 4: I was like, Oh, I'm at an acid I need
Speaker 4: you to pick me up. I started like saying things
Speaker 4: in my life were alive that weren't like and then yeah,
Speaker 4: ever since then, Like, I don't know, it got better
Speaker 4: over time, but I just always had that feeling that that, like,
Speaker 4: I don't know, sometimes the matrix will break and somebody
Speaker 4: will like casually mention how or not. It feels like
Speaker 4: since that happened, people would like casually mentioned that this
Speaker 4: isn't reality out of context completely that I'm.
Speaker 1: Just like Michael, really Michael, Yeah, all right, so this
Speaker 1: this whole changed relationship with reality. Was there any seed
Speaker 1: of this before you took the acid?
Speaker 4: No, not at all.
Speaker 1: Okay, And now, on a day to day basis, do
Speaker 1: you feel different than you did on a day to
Speaker 1: day basis before you took the acid.
Speaker 4: I mean at first I did, uh, like all the time,
Speaker 4: but as time went on, I kind of it kind
Speaker 4: of stopped, I guess, But It's always been there in
Speaker 4: the back of my head, and I'd like, like.
Speaker 1: With reality now, uh, I don't know.
Speaker 4: I just like I don't. I mean, I'm gonna keep
Speaker 4: living it because it's the only thing I got now,
Speaker 4: but I'm just not totally convinced that it's it's real.
Speaker 1: You're not totally convinced that your reality is real? Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: what tell me this? What what does real mean? Are you?
Speaker 1: Are you insinuating that what you are experiencing that are you?
Speaker 3: Are you?
Speaker 1: Are you insinuating that there was actually something else that
Speaker 1: is more real than what you are experiencing right now? Yeah?
Speaker 4: Well, I'm I'm basically saying that what if I was
Speaker 4: still caught in one of those thought loops that I, like,
Speaker 4: I just never left that basement or I died or something,
Speaker 4: and that my brain is still just short circuiting. And
Speaker 4: I'm look at that like there's an episode of Rick
Speaker 4: and Morty with a guy I can live through a
Speaker 4: whole life and in a video game you're talking about.
Speaker 1: I brought that. I literally brought that up in conversation
Speaker 1: yesterday as an example for something. And yeah that nobody
Speaker 1: knew what I was talking about. But anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, okay,
Speaker 1: if I told you that that is not the case
Speaker 1: and that you are real, would you believe me?
Speaker 4: I mean, I'm like pretty convinced that it's real because
Speaker 4: I couldn't feel it feels like I couldn't be going
Speaker 4: on this law. I mean, that trip was like I
Speaker 4: lived through like all of space and time. In that trip,
Speaker 4: I get fucked with my head. But like so I'm
Speaker 4: like mostly convinced it is. And it's not like I'm
Speaker 4: thinking about this all day every day.
Speaker 1: I just like, every once in a while, well listen, yeah,
Speaker 1: look everyonce look, well most people every once in a while,
Speaker 1: and for some people every once in a while is
Speaker 1: about once every five years. They they do look at
Speaker 1: themselves and go, is this fucking real? I think that's
Speaker 1: just yeah, experience.
Speaker 4: I think so too. But when yeah, well when, but
Speaker 4: it feels like ever since that happened. You know, when
Speaker 4: you like hear a word for the first time and
Speaker 4: then you keep hearing that word. They can like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 4: it feels like ever since then. I've just it's been
Speaker 4: coming up a lot more or like some I don't know,
Speaker 4: especially with what's kind of going on today in the world.
Speaker 4: It's just all kind of like did I is this
Speaker 4: just my brain making stuff up? But then I think,
Speaker 4: like I'm talking to a get go on the phone,
Speaker 4: like how could my brain make that up?
Speaker 1: You are I'm gonna say two things. Thing. Number One,
Speaker 1: if you what's your name, Michael, Michael, If you're truly,
Speaker 1: truly wrestling with reality in a way that is detrimental
Speaker 1: to your mental health. You should go see a psychiatrist.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I am, I don't. I don't think I've ever
Speaker 4: mentioned this to them, though.
Speaker 1: You didn't, you haven't mentioned this to them?
Speaker 4: No, I mean looking.
Speaker 1: About it then, and mostly I.
Speaker 4: Have like other mental problems, like with anxiety and stuff
Speaker 4: and sometimes depressions, So I it's just't something that I'm
Speaker 4: really focused on, like because if it's if it ends
Speaker 4: up not being real, what am.
Speaker 5: I supposed to do about it?
Speaker 1: And then you know, Michael, I don't you know. I'm
Speaker 1: not going to try to coach you too much on
Speaker 1: this because you're talking to a professional and you should
Speaker 1: continue to talk to the professional. But if you have
Speaker 1: a history of mental illnesses, I have heard anecdotally that
Speaker 1: uh uh LSD can heighten or awaken certain pre existing
Speaker 1: mental illnesses.
Speaker 4: You know, I definitely feel like that like trigger. I
Speaker 4: mean I've always had social anxiety, but like, yeah, that
Speaker 4: definitely hypened it up a lot, like which has gotten
Speaker 4: better and the help I'm getting is really like us
Speaker 4: has changed my life. But if that's one thing, Teller, Yeah,
Speaker 4: the people on the computers that like if you need help,
Speaker 4: go get it, because there's always something you could do.
Speaker 1: Michael Man, thank you for calling. And you know, look,
Speaker 1: whether or not reality is real, which it is, Okay,
Speaker 1: I think I am a big gecko on the computer,
Speaker 1: so don't take my word for anything. But whether or
Speaker 1: not it is real, I hope it is good for.
Speaker 3: You, all Right.
Speaker 4: I appreciate that. Yeah, I'm basically like just thinking, even
Speaker 4: if it's not real, I'm just gonna live my best life.
Speaker 1: You know, it's my experience strategy. I think that's a
Speaker 1: good strategy. Thank you for calling, Michael.
Speaker 4: Yeah, thank you very much. Good talking to you.
Speaker 1: Hello. Hello, Hello, Hi is this Tasha?
Speaker 3: It is?
Speaker 1: What's going on with you? Dude? Hey?
Speaker 3: Oh gosh. That basically I am trying to figure out
Speaker 3: how its to be a more honest person in life
Speaker 3: and be more open and connect with people better. But
Speaker 3: I'm having trouble partly because my truth or like my
Speaker 3: reality of my life is pretty fucking weird and not
Speaker 3: something I necessarily want to share with strangers and like
Speaker 3: associates and stuff. So I'm trying to like figure out
Speaker 3: and I could really use some perspective on like, how
Speaker 3: are you supposed to be honest without like oversharing kind
Speaker 3: of thing.
Speaker 1: Okay, are you can I read what the call? Can
Speaker 1: I read what the call screener put down? And I
Speaker 1: don't know if this is the thing that you're trying
Speaker 1: not to say, but you did tell the call screener it,
Speaker 1: so I'll just I'll say it. It says here that
Speaker 1: you moved across the country from Wisconsin because your domb
Speaker 1: suggested that you do.
Speaker 3: So yes, well too Wisconsin. So okay, Yeah, we met
Speaker 3: online just like gaming, and we were friends for a
Speaker 3: long time and both into BDSM and eventually after a
Speaker 3: couple of years ended up meeting and kind of developing
Speaker 3: more of a actual like domb sub relationship. And he
Speaker 3: kind of gives me a lot of great life advice
Speaker 3: that has been constructive, and you know, at one point
Speaker 3: he suggested I can move out here because I really
Speaker 3: like in my old life, I was very isolated, very unhappy,
Speaker 3: working from home, didn't have any friends, didn't go out,
Speaker 3: and like, you know, basically he was like, well, you
Speaker 3: can come here and you know, I'll kind of, like
Speaker 3: I don't know, be there for you and you can
Speaker 3: do X, Y and Z, like just kind of life suggestions,
Speaker 3: not like borders like you have to move here.
Speaker 1: Sorry, I'm no, no, no, I want to get a
Speaker 1: handle the situation. Or so you how long were you
Speaker 1: talking about this guy before you did? Did he was
Speaker 1: he like come move in with me? Or he's just
Speaker 1: like it's it's it's very interesting, like the the the
Speaker 1: casual nature of everything. That's what I'm trying to hit. Well, No,
Speaker 1: I don't think I look in this big, crazy fucking world.
Speaker 1: I don't think anything is all that weird.
Speaker 3: I don't like we kind of want to like be
Speaker 3: there for each other without being like, let me put
Speaker 3: it to you this way, like you can think of
Speaker 3: it as like none of us wants to be in
Speaker 3: a really alone and like celibate, So you know, we're like,
Speaker 3: uh b.
Speaker 2: F f w B.
Speaker 1: I you know it's you're saying it's weird, but I
Speaker 1: I really actually believe that, Uh, the two people who
Speaker 1: have the exact same level of desire of commitment running
Speaker 1: into each other and having that much commitment, it's just
Speaker 1: as beautiful to me as you know, somebody falling in
Speaker 1: love and having ten kids and living happily ever after.
Speaker 1: That is a beautiful thing. When two people of similar
Speaker 1: levels of desire for commitment meet each other and do
Speaker 1: their fucking whatever thing. So glad to hear that that
Speaker 1: seems to be working out for you. So are you, well, okay,
Speaker 1: are you living with this guy or you just moved
Speaker 1: to the same city as him.
Speaker 3: So I moved to a nearby city and kind of
Speaker 3: like we talked about it a lot and kind of
Speaker 3: like gamed it out, and like, potentially we could eventually
Speaker 3: move in together. It wouldn't be for like over a year.
Speaker 3: Could I just find a leap? But that's kind of
Speaker 3: like we kind of agreed that you shouldn't ever move
Speaker 3: in with somebody unless you've at least been together a year.
Speaker 3: So if we still wanted to that, you know, a
Speaker 3: year from now, we might think about it. But that's
Speaker 3: kind of like that's not the plan or anything. It's
Speaker 3: more like, you know, here's nearby and we can hang
Speaker 3: out more. I mean obviously, like we were doing a
Speaker 3: lot of visits and that sh it's expensive, but also
Speaker 3: I just needed a place to go. I wasn't happy
Speaker 3: in my own city.
Speaker 1: But and like, can I hear real quick? Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: here go ahead. What we're gonna say, was it gonna
Speaker 1: be it should be a big deal.
Speaker 3: I spired, shouldn't be a big deal. But like I'm
Speaker 3: I just moved here, and like I just you know,
Speaker 3: started a job, and like everybody I meet is like
Speaker 3: wants to know everything about me and like what are
Speaker 3: you doing here?
Speaker 2: I can move here?
Speaker 3: And it's like I feel so intimided, Like I'm happy
Speaker 3: with my choices, but I don't know what to say
Speaker 3: to people without being without feeling like I'm being say for.
Speaker 1: Like lying interesting, interesting. Well, it's funny because I have
Speaker 1: all the same questions for you because we have been
Speaker 1: talking for about five minutes and I still feel like
Speaker 1: I don't know anything about you.
Speaker 3: Right, Well, that makes two of us. I feel the
Speaker 3: same way about.
Speaker 1: Miss and you know what, I think that's an okay
Speaker 1: place to be. I think it's a very interesting and
Speaker 1: wonderful place to be. Well, can I ask you, okay,
Speaker 1: where did you move from? You moved to Wisconsin. Where'd
Speaker 1: you go? Where'd you move from Denver? Denver? Tell me
Speaker 1: just baseline. You don't have to get too into it,
Speaker 1: but base baseline, what was life like for you in Denver?
Speaker 3: Well, so I moved to Denver with my ex husband,
Speaker 3: and so that whole scenario basically like he is still
Speaker 3: in rehab from when we sile up two years ago,
Speaker 3: let's put it that way, which yes, that was about
Speaker 3: the same time that but you know, he's just he's
Speaker 3: got substance abuse issues and our time started with a
Speaker 3: lot of substance youth partying and that kind of thing,
Speaker 3: and it turned into just chaos and just trying to
Speaker 3: scrape by to survive. And then you know, when he
Speaker 3: went into rehab and we kind of separated, just me
Speaker 3: kind of like finding that I had become isolated, didn't
Speaker 3: really have connections except for people who are not really
Speaker 3: beneficial to my life. And then COVID hit, and you know,
Speaker 3: became even more isolated, and that was like, oh shit,
Speaker 3: like I don't have any support here, you know, and
Speaker 3: I just became more and more miserable. And that was
Speaker 3: where the guy came along, and we knew each other
Speaker 3: and he really helped me dig myself out of the hole.
Speaker 3: I don't feel like he did it. I just feel
Speaker 3: like he helped me do it, you know, which is
Speaker 3: why I think I trust the dynamic because I don't
Speaker 3: feel dependent on him, but I feel like he's a
Speaker 3: really good support for me to figure this shit out
Speaker 3: for myself.
Speaker 1: Sure, yeah, you do have a It sounds like a a.
Speaker 1: You did not phrase this to me as like, Oh,
Speaker 1: I moved to Wisconsin for this guy. But I talked
Speaker 1: to this guy and he brought up moving to Wisconsin,
Speaker 1: and I did it. And it sounds like if he
Speaker 1: disappeared tomorrow, you would be bummed, but your entire life
Speaker 1: would not fall apart.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I made that. Okay, so here, I don't
Speaker 3: know if the screen or caught this, but I made
Speaker 3: the decision to have it be that way very intentionally
Speaker 3: because this guy is seventeen years younger than me. So yeah,
Speaker 3: I feel like a responsibility. I know, I feel responsibility
Speaker 3: not to like impose my like I don't know if
Speaker 3: I let myself fall apart if things go back with him,
Speaker 3: that's compare to him, you know what I mean. I
Speaker 3: don't want to put pressure on the relationship where he
Speaker 3: just needs to, like, you know, have fun and be young,
Speaker 3: drink pepsi relationships interesting.
Speaker 1: Okay, So, so so you're now in Wisconsin, you have
Speaker 1: a job. What what's what is next for you here?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: What are you trying to build?
Speaker 3: I don't know, right, I have no fucking idea. I mean, yeah,
Speaker 3: I don't know. And that's where I'm kind of like
Speaker 3: I keep coming to like these conclusions and epiciones from like,
Speaker 3: you know, you know, you don't need to figure it
Speaker 3: out out in a day, like just to move on
Speaker 3: with your life. But part of the problem that I
Speaker 3: had before it was being so isolated. And again, I
Speaker 3: don't want to put all the pressure on this guy.
Speaker 3: I need like other people in my life and other
Speaker 3: sources of support and shit, and I just don't have that.
Speaker 3: And I kind of feel like I'm not going to
Speaker 3: get that if I'm just like having these really superficial connections,
Speaker 3: you know, where I like can't be even honest. But
Speaker 3: I also feel like I don't know how do you
Speaker 3: like even I could go into like the BDSM scene
Speaker 3: and talk to people there, you know, but like that's
Speaker 3: surprisingly difficult to find too, and like there's not a
Speaker 3: lot of events in that scene right now, especially in
Speaker 3: the Midwest.
Speaker 1: You're looking, you're you you're looking to build a sense
Speaker 1: of community.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm just like, I don't even know something like
Speaker 3: that tribe mm hmm.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of different ways to do. I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't know a lot personally about the BDSM life,
Speaker 1: but it sounds like there is community out there and
Speaker 1: that I mean, are we just dealing with like a
Speaker 1: sort of the problem of like how do I make
Speaker 1: friends as an adult?
Speaker 3: I mean that's a big part of it. But like
Speaker 3: I know, I know that is like you just got
Speaker 3: to do ship, right, you know. Part of part of
Speaker 3: that is like I don't have hobbies. I don't have
Speaker 3: like I have a lot of interest that are fleeving,
Speaker 3: but I don't have a passion or like one thing
Speaker 3: that I'm really into, which I'm okay with that. I
Speaker 3: don't feel like I need to like manufacture something.
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, but you don't. But you do seem like
Speaker 1: I am searching here for a word of what I'm
Speaker 1: trying to say. You seem like you have maybe it
Speaker 1: is a curiosity or a sense of adventure, because you're
Speaker 1: you're clearly searching, because you you left your life behind
Speaker 1: at Denver and you went to Wisconsin in search, not
Speaker 1: necessarily even knowing what of but just in search. And
Speaker 1: so now you're in Wisconsin and I feel like you
Speaker 1: have this search burning within you just keep following it, right,
Speaker 1: like where else? What? What? What else is there to
Speaker 1: explore where you are? Where you could find yourself somewhere interesting?
Speaker 1: Is it more into the medsm community? Is it? Do
Speaker 1: we fucking start a band? Do we open an arts
Speaker 1: and craft store?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: What what do we do?
Speaker 2: Is?
Speaker 1: You're in it. You're in a very interesting position, and
Speaker 1: you have a very interesting personality for it, at least
Speaker 1: you know. I mean I don't know you, uh, you know,
Speaker 1: back and forth from a ten minute phone call, but
Speaker 1: just from what you're giving off, That's what I'm feeling.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And like I feel like the whole another part
Speaker 3: with my previous relationship when I came out of that,
Speaker 3: like I literally was like going through a nervous breakdown.
Speaker 3: And I feel like ever since that relationship ended, some
Speaker 3: kind of part of who I was is like broken
Speaker 3: and like I can't get back to it. And like
Speaker 3: I'm kind of okay with that, Like I'm not like
Speaker 3: desperate to get that part of me back. I'm like
Speaker 3: let it go. But like music that I used to
Speaker 3: love have has no impact on me.
Speaker 1: Anymore, And like what what is it? Can can I
Speaker 1: what is this part of you? What? What would you
Speaker 1: describe it as?
Speaker 3: I think it was like way more idealistic and naive
Speaker 3: and like I don't know, innocent, you know, like I
Speaker 3: used to love poetry and folk music and I don't know,
Speaker 3: like I still can appreciate it, but I just don't
Speaker 3: have that love for it anymore and just way more
Speaker 3: gonna go.
Speaker 1: Now and at this point in your life, and you
Speaker 1: could take a second to think about it, what do
Speaker 1: you have a love for?
Speaker 3: Yeah, like very little, Yeah I'm very little, which I
Speaker 3: don't know, and like stuff like I used to have
Speaker 3: all these places I wanted to travel and now or
Speaker 3: even like where I would want to move Like it
Speaker 3: was very much like if anybody had come along and
Speaker 3: them like, oh, you shouldn't move here because that's Y
Speaker 3: and Z, I'd be like, aren't fine, you know, because
Speaker 3: like I just don't have any like full this song
Speaker 3: pul to with anything, and like maybe I just need
Speaker 3: to bump around for a while to like go where
Speaker 3: the winds may take me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I guess I don't know. You're in a very
Speaker 1: interesting situation. This has been. This made me think a
Speaker 1: lot here. I guess as long as you don't stop searching,
Speaker 1: the potential every day exists for you. To find that
Speaker 1: thing that you know, Like you said, you're not going
Speaker 1: to return to the part of you that you lost
Speaker 1: that loved this this you know poetry and and had
Speaker 1: what you described as a naivety and you probably shouldn't, right.
Speaker 1: I mean, you're growing forward, not backward. So hopefully if
Speaker 1: you keep the search up, you'll find a new part
Speaker 1: of yourself. And the challenge is just going to be
Speaker 1: keeping the search up, even on days where you don't
Speaker 1: want to or where it seems like you are not
Speaker 1: going to get anywhere. Just keeping it up always keeps,
Speaker 1: you know, the potential energy in play. You can ask
Speaker 1: me anything.
Speaker 3: I'm not trying to be argument and no, please, I'm
Speaker 3: very like I'm a very Devil's advocate type person, but
Speaker 3: like this is like a genuine reactioning question is like sure, so,
Speaker 3: oh my god, I already forgot about some So basically
Speaker 3: like how do I like continue this like attempt to
Speaker 3: be like honest and open with people and like not
Speaker 3: close off without feeling like, well, you can't say this,
Speaker 3: you can't say that, Like I feel like almost everything
Speaker 3: about my life is like controversial or like just too weird,
Speaker 3: like people have a hard time or it just invites
Speaker 3: more questions and I don't want I don't know, It's
Speaker 3: like I don't want people to focus on like how
Speaker 3: weird my past is or how like buffed up my
Speaker 3: past is. Like I don't you know, I don't want
Speaker 3: to dwell on it. I just really want to move
Speaker 3: on and like find the next positive stuff. But like
Speaker 3: I don't know, I don't want to like shut them
Speaker 3: down either, you know what I mean? Like I don't
Speaker 3: know how to find that balance.
Speaker 1: Why do you have Why do you have to talk
Speaker 1: to people about your past?
Speaker 3: Well, it's not it's really just like when I'm so,
Speaker 3: I find myself in so many situations, whether it be
Speaker 3: like getting a haircut or like starting my new job
Speaker 3: or out, and everybody wants to like grill you, Yeah,
Speaker 3: not grill you, but just ask a lot of questions,
Speaker 3: and like especially when your answers are kind of intriguing. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it's like, uh like at some point, I just like
Speaker 3: I don't even know what to say, or I don't
Speaker 3: want to open a can of worms, you know, sure
Speaker 3: sure like if I it would be radically honest, that
Speaker 3: would go badly, especially in like some situations with people
Speaker 3: like I just.
Speaker 1: You think, can I can I can I ask you
Speaker 1: a question? You say that being radically honest would go badly,
Speaker 1: And you know, I don't want to be a hypocrite
Speaker 1: here because I have a desire sometimes to be radically
Speaker 1: honest and I don't do it. But do you do
Speaker 1: you have a desire within you to relinquish everything and
Speaker 1: just be radically honest.
Speaker 3: I think, oh, yeah, for sure, because I think I
Speaker 3: hate the fact that people always say, like give lip
Speaker 3: service to this idea like be yourself or you know,
Speaker 3: honesty and openness is so important, but like in reality,
Speaker 3: people don't want to know a lot of the details
Speaker 3: are like people have this more bid curiosity, more so
Speaker 3: than the natural interest, right, And so I think that's
Speaker 3: what puts me off, is that curiosity which is not.
Speaker 1: And I and I I think I think that's you
Speaker 1: know what, you know what, And I don't want to
Speaker 1: be I don't want to be a hypocrite here because
Speaker 1: I'm I'm almost talking to myself. But like, you're a
Speaker 1: hundred thousand percent correct that you probably have things about
Speaker 1: your life that and thoughts and feelings that if you
Speaker 1: were one hundred percent honest about you're probably right that
Speaker 1: there are a lot of people, maybe even most people
Speaker 1: would react to them strangely or negatively or uncomfortably. But
Speaker 1: along with that, you have a much, much, much much
Speaker 1: higher chance of opening yourself up to people who find
Speaker 1: who agree with those ideas and are like, fuck, I've
Speaker 1: been waiting for a person like this to come along
Speaker 1: into my life because everyone else, you know, people admire
Speaker 1: you because they were so scared themselves to be open
Speaker 1: like that, and you attract those people. And attracting those people,
Speaker 1: I'm a fucking hypocrite saying this, but attracting those people
Speaker 1: is worth putting off people who think that your shit
Speaker 1: is weird.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of, And I just got
Speaker 3: to like, I don't know, I just gotta like meditate
Speaker 3: on that. Just stop scaring at Gissa.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, Tasha, thanks for having this conversation. This was
Speaker 1: very interesting, and I again I've said this five times,
Speaker 1: I feel like I have a good telling you this
Speaker 1: because I myself and I'm sure a lot of people
Speaker 1: listening to this could be doing a better job of
Speaker 1: this scary thing. But I hope you have the courage to,
Speaker 1: you know, be more out there moving forward, and I
Speaker 1: hope that if you do it lands you somewhere interesting
Speaker 1: or somewhere that at least you never thought you'd get to.
Speaker 3: Thank you. I appreciate you.
Speaker 1: Thanks for calling Tashai. Hey what's up? Man?
Speaker 2: Hey?
Speaker 1: What's going on?
Speaker 5: This is awesome. I'm like really high to like talk
Speaker 5: to you.
Speaker 1: Oh anything, what's going on with you?
Speaker 5: I'm just relaxing. I'm like playing some video games, watching.
Speaker 1: You what kind of video games.
Speaker 5: I've been back into Battlefield one because it's like, I
Speaker 5: don't know, it's one of the shooters I got like
Speaker 5: really into when it came out, so it's kind of nostalgic.
Speaker 1: Ethan, is anything in particular you wanted to talk about today?
Speaker 3: Ah?
Speaker 5: So I'm in Alabama, so we can talk about the
Speaker 5: Alabama thing. Or I recently went to Colorado and I
Speaker 5: had this really really good pizza and none of the
Speaker 5: pizza I've had can like compare to it, so it
Speaker 5: kind of ruined all the pizza for me.
Speaker 1: How good was this pizza?
Speaker 5: It was the bread like it's just like melts, you know.
Speaker 1: And after having this pizza, what has other pizza tasted
Speaker 1: like for you?
Speaker 5: I mean, I went to like my favorite pizza place
Speaker 5: in town when I got back, and I'm a big
Speaker 5: like sauce guy, so like I really like like the
Speaker 5: red sauce and it just like wasn't as good.
Speaker 1: How does that make you feel?
Speaker 5: I'm worried because I had this really good pizza and
Speaker 5: now it's like, do I not like the pizzas in
Speaker 5: my town anymore?
Speaker 1: Do you feel a little bit of depression?
Speaker 5: It's like I lost one of my greatest choices, you
Speaker 5: know what I mean. But like I'm I'm not like
Speaker 5: out of hope, like there's gonna be a pizza.
Speaker 1: This is interesting. This is like a hedonic treadmill thing. Like,
Speaker 1: now that you've had such great pizza, all the other
Speaker 1: pizzas don't compare. So tell me this, m Do you
Speaker 1: think you've learned anything from this experience about aiming too
Speaker 1: close to the top.
Speaker 5: I mean, it wasn't like intentional, So it's not like
Speaker 5: I'm like like getchorus like flying towards the sun. It's
Speaker 5: like not one of those. It's like this pizza just
Speaker 5: kind of got dropped in front of me.
Speaker 1: Well, okay, so you had this experience, but has this
Speaker 1: has this led you to any other their epiphanies about life.
Speaker 1: I mean, this is a this is a whole thing
Speaker 1: here that you're dealing with. You now know the dangers
Speaker 1: of reaching too high to the top shelf instead of
Speaker 1: enjoying what is in front of you.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Speaker 1: Do you think that this has prevented you from possibly,
Speaker 1: in the future going after new experiences and in the
Speaker 1: fear that they will ruin your current life experiences?
Speaker 5: Don't do that. There's no way.
Speaker 1: There's no way.
Speaker 5: I mean, you gotta like go for like the good stuff,
Speaker 5: you know, Like you gotta like, I don't know, I've
Speaker 5: had a bad acid trip before, so it's like kind
Speaker 5: of like that feeling one, but like that wore off
Speaker 5: over time. So like I feel like the pizza thing
Speaker 5: is gonna wear off over time too.
Speaker 1: You think it'll wear off.
Speaker 5: Yeah, Like it's I'm gonna like roll back down and
Speaker 5: then my standard is gonna be low again, and then
Speaker 5: I'm gonna eat the pizza from around here again and
Speaker 5: it's gonna be like good again.
Speaker 1: MM. So you think that eventually this will pay off
Speaker 1: and you will be able to yeah, agotiate the local again.
Speaker 5: Yeah, like a time heals all wound situation.
Speaker 2: Mm.
Speaker 1: Hmmm mmmm, well, Ethan that I'm I'm rooting for you, man.
Speaker 1: I hope that, I hope that eventually you are able
Speaker 1: to return to your appreciation for that which is in
Speaker 1: front of you and not be constantly thinking about when
Speaker 1: you had the best.
Speaker 5: Thank you get.
Speaker 1: Is there anything else you want to say to the
Speaker 1: people of the computer before we go.
Speaker 5: No, I just hope everybody's having a good time. Be
Speaker 5: careful if you ever get like pizza from outside your
Speaker 5: home area.
Speaker 1: Thank you for calling it, Thank you good Ethan eas
Speaker 1: and Ethan Ethan. Ethan goes on the line, thinking, your
Speaker 1: phone
Speaker 2: Calls every night, every