WEBVTT - "I HAVE AMNESIA" 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:01.520 Hi, what's your name? 0:00:01.680 --> 0:00:02.560 I'm Crash. 0:00:02.720 --> 0:00:03.360 What's your name? 0:00:04.240 --> 0:00:05.239 You're crash? 0:00:05.480 --> 0:00:08.200 Yeah, like crashing a car? Well it was a motorcycle. 0:00:08.240 --> 0:00:10.240 But yeah, you don't have to tell me what your 0:00:10.320 --> 0:00:12.360 real name is. But is that your real name? 0:00:14.600 --> 0:00:17.760 No, it's not, but it's what I go by. It's 0:00:17.800 --> 0:00:18.479 my road name. 0:00:20.440 --> 0:00:22.760 It's your road name. I feel like Crash is an 0:00:22.840 --> 0:00:26.680 unfortunate road name to have, because nobody on the road 0:00:26.720 --> 0:00:28.960 wants to crash. 0:00:29.480 --> 0:00:31.840 Right, Well, that's how I got the road name. 0:00:31.920 --> 0:00:34.800 Lyle Uh, did you crash into something? 0:00:36.640 --> 0:00:39.680 I totld? My brand new motorcycle is a Harley. I 0:00:39.720 --> 0:00:42.200 had it for three days. Man, So sad? 0:00:42.920 --> 0:00:45.280 Are you a motorcycle driver? 0:00:45.440 --> 0:00:45.680 Now? 0:00:45.720 --> 0:00:47.400 Do you still drive motorcycles? 0:00:48.960 --> 0:00:51.360 I haven't been able to get a new one. I 0:00:51.360 --> 0:00:53.720 don't know if you know this. The motorcycles are at 0:00:53.840 --> 0:00:56.240 least like ten dollars and I can't really save that 0:00:56.320 --> 0:00:57.600 kind of money in this economy. 0:00:58.920 --> 0:01:04.759 You there at least at least Okay, what's the most 0:01:04.800 --> 0:01:05.920 amount of money they are? 0:01:08.720 --> 0:01:09.280 I don't know. 0:01:11.000 --> 0:01:17.319 So, Crash, while, what's up with you? Is there any 0:01:17.319 --> 0:01:21.400 particular thing that you called in to talk about? Yeah? 0:01:21.600 --> 0:01:24.120 I just kind of wanted to rant a little about 0:01:24.120 --> 0:01:28.480 my dissociative amnesia because people don't understand, like in my life, 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:31.600 and I wanted to just talk to a third party 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:32.920 who doesn't know me. 0:01:33.600 --> 0:01:35.200 What is dissociative amnesia. 0:01:38.520 --> 0:01:42.720 So the best I understand it is like something traumatic 0:01:42.840 --> 0:01:46.520 happens to you and you just end up like dissociating 0:01:46.600 --> 0:01:48.680 through your whole life. So the older you get, the 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:52.840 less you remember. In my case, I remember like six 0:01:52.880 --> 0:01:56.120 months to a year before today, and I get little 0:01:56.160 --> 0:01:59.640 flashes of my memory here and there, but I don't 0:01:59.680 --> 0:02:05.360 really remember jack shit. And then like also depersonalization, derealization, 0:02:05.760 --> 0:02:10.640 like imagine feeling like genuinely feeling like you're living in 0:02:10.680 --> 0:02:15.040 a simulation, and any memories you have or like distant dreams. 0:02:15.160 --> 0:02:15.920 It's kind of like that. 0:02:17.400 --> 0:02:20.040 It says here that you have no memory of your 0:02:20.040 --> 0:02:24.280 life before a year ago. Is that true? 0:02:24.560 --> 0:02:25.000 Yeah? 0:02:25.040 --> 0:02:28.040 So I'll just get like little flashes of memories here 0:02:28.120 --> 0:02:30.520 and there, but like I said, they just kind of 0:02:30.520 --> 0:02:34.080 feel like dreams. They don't feel like my memories. But 0:02:34.880 --> 0:02:37.880 mostly I only remember things from like before a year ago. 0:02:38.840 --> 0:02:42.520 Interesting, so you only have a year's worth of memory. 0:02:43.919 --> 0:02:47.160 Pretty much. Yeah, Like I'll give you an example that 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:49.240 I told Tim, and which shout out to Tim, He's amazing. 0:02:49.600 --> 0:02:53.919 But basically, I looked at a picture that I took 0:02:53.919 --> 0:02:56.800 a polaroid and it had me and like three of 0:02:56.800 --> 0:02:59.399 my friends we were at the fair. Uh. And one 0:02:59.440 --> 0:03:02.359 of the front that I supposedly had I don't recognize 0:03:02.440 --> 0:03:04.799 at all. I don't remember going to the fair. I 0:03:04.800 --> 0:03:08.160 don't remember ever having a polaroid camera at that time. 0:03:09.000 --> 0:03:11.040 It was very weird. It's like I was looking at 0:03:11.120 --> 0:03:15.960 some like like I said, simulation shit, you know mm. 0:03:18.600 --> 0:03:24.079 And so I mean, what about like your relationships, How 0:03:24.080 --> 0:03:27.640 has this affected your relationships? Do you do you have friends? 0:03:27.720 --> 0:03:31.440 Do you have family? And if so, do you what 0:03:31.480 --> 0:03:36.120 do you remember about them? 0:03:36.240 --> 0:03:41.960 Yeah, well, I there's a few exes who I don't remember, 0:03:42.040 --> 0:03:44.240 but like my family will ask about them and I 0:03:44.280 --> 0:03:48.480 don't really recall. I do have family, and I remember 0:03:48.520 --> 0:03:50.760 all my family because I talk to them like all 0:03:50.800 --> 0:03:53.400 the time. To make sure that I can remember, I 0:03:53.440 --> 0:03:57.440 really actively every day have to like do things to 0:03:57.520 --> 0:04:00.160 keep my memory sharp for things that are import in 0:04:01.600 --> 0:04:03.800 as far as my relationship goes, I do have a 0:04:03.800 --> 0:04:07.520 boyfriend h and he doesn't really get it. He doesn't understand. 0:04:07.560 --> 0:04:10.320 So like I'll dissociate and he'll just be talking to me, 0:04:10.680 --> 0:04:13.400 and I'll notice he's talking, but I'm not like actually 0:04:13.440 --> 0:04:15.520 hearing what he's saying. I'll be like what, and he 0:04:15.520 --> 0:04:19.720 gets mad, But I love him anyway. But yeah, as 0:04:19.720 --> 0:04:22.560 far as that goes, I just my memory, like long 0:04:22.680 --> 0:04:26.039 term is gone, and my short term memory sucks too. 0:04:26.320 --> 0:04:30.039 But I try every day to remember to you know, 0:04:30.200 --> 0:04:32.440 utilize things that I have to remember what I can, 0:04:32.560 --> 0:04:35.000 like calendar events, alarms, et cetera. 0:04:36.560 --> 0:04:40.000 And what aspects of your life in particular do you 0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:41.560 think of are the most affected by this? 0:04:45.680 --> 0:04:52.240 Oh jeez, I don't know. That's a great question. 0:04:54.200 --> 0:04:57.920 It's not like the memory aspect that affects me the most, 0:04:57.960 --> 0:05:03.000 but the dissociation, because like I had dissociated my whole life, 0:05:03.000 --> 0:05:06.200 and I continue to dissociate every day. So I'll just 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:09.200 like be on total autopilot. That's kind of how I 0:05:09.240 --> 0:05:13.200 describe it as just autopilot. I'll be driving. I drive 0:05:13.279 --> 0:05:15.200 for a living, I work for your mamate. It's a 0:05:15.240 --> 0:05:18.240 lot of driving, and I'll just go from you know, 0:05:18.360 --> 0:05:20.279 point A to point B, and that could be like 0:05:20.279 --> 0:05:23.960 a fifteen minute drive and I'll be leaving the store 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:26.240 and all of a sudden, I'll be at the next like, 0:05:26.320 --> 0:05:29.960 and I just don't recall any of the drive. Yeah, 0:05:30.000 --> 0:05:32.479 so that it affects me on a daily basis like that, 0:05:33.200 --> 0:05:36.279 but also you know, feeling like I'm in a simulation 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:37.920 and stuff like that. 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:41.080 So, you know, I asked you about your relationships, and 0:05:41.360 --> 0:05:43.919 you you told me about you know, your boyfriend. But 0:05:44.680 --> 0:05:48.000 what about your friends? Are they like? Like? Because I 0:05:48.040 --> 0:05:50.000 assume that at the time, I assume that you have 0:05:50.080 --> 0:05:53.880 friends in your life that you have had for perhaps 0:05:54.000 --> 0:05:57.240 over a year. How what have those relationships been like? 0:05:57.279 --> 0:05:58.200 How have they been affected? 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:03.560 So that is an interesting assumption to say I have friends. 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:07.280 I do have one friend that I've had since like 0:06:07.320 --> 0:06:11.440 twenty sixteen, and because we still talk on a semi 0:06:11.480 --> 0:06:15.520 regular basis, I am able to remember her obviously, But 0:06:15.839 --> 0:06:18.599 as far as things that we did when we first 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:22.560 became friends or people that we invited into our inner circle, 0:06:24.040 --> 0:06:26.480 none of that really comes to mind at all. I 0:06:26.520 --> 0:06:30.600 don't remember much of anything, which really sucks, because there's 0:06:30.640 --> 0:06:33.280 a lot of really really great things that we've done 0:06:33.279 --> 0:06:37.000 together that Sh'll described to me, and it's just it's 0:06:37.080 --> 0:06:37.520 just gone. 0:06:38.960 --> 0:06:45.479 When you're being described memories of yourself by people that 0:06:45.520 --> 0:06:50.440 you're close to, is any part of you almost re 0:06:50.560 --> 0:06:52.040 experiencing them in a way. 0:06:54.720 --> 0:06:58.359 Only when I am looking at pictures and videos of 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:02.800 things that I did, I am able to somewhat relive it. 0:07:03.440 --> 0:07:06.000 I have that to be true. Like I have videos, 0:07:06.240 --> 0:07:08.120 like she was telling me about this cool concert we 0:07:08.200 --> 0:07:10.200 went to, and I have a video of it, but 0:07:10.920 --> 0:07:13.560 it's only really able to remember any of it when 0:07:13.600 --> 0:07:17.280 I watched the video, And that's only the video part 0:07:17.320 --> 0:07:20.240 that I was able to remember, because it was obviously 0:07:20.280 --> 0:07:22.920 a memory memory. But to me, it doesn't feel like 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:25.480 a memory. It feels like I'm just watching it, and 0:07:25.520 --> 0:07:28.560 it's almost like a sense of deja vus, Like obviously 0:07:28.600 --> 0:07:32.600 I know I've been there, but I don't remember being there. 0:07:33.920 --> 0:07:39.400 So I want to know with with you, your personality, 0:07:39.520 --> 0:07:43.440 your hobbies, your interests, the you know, these things that 0:07:43.560 --> 0:07:51.120 take many years to develop. Like do you do you 0:07:51.160 --> 0:07:57.720 find yourself having to recreate yourself in a way? 0:07:59.760 --> 0:08:04.320 Well, I don't think so. I feel like, you know, 0:08:04.360 --> 0:08:08.000 we're we're always changing, you know, we're always changing people, 0:08:08.600 --> 0:08:11.760 so it of course I'm not going to be like 0:08:11.800 --> 0:08:14.400 the same person that I was, And I feel like 0:08:14.800 --> 0:08:18.280 I can't just contribute that to the aminsia. But I 0:08:18.280 --> 0:08:23.720 do find myself like doing a lot more things that 0:08:23.800 --> 0:08:27.720 I wouldn't have normally done. I do find myself acting 0:08:27.760 --> 0:08:30.680 in certain ways that I probably wouldn't otherwise. 0:08:32.280 --> 0:08:33.040 Just because of. 0:08:32.960 --> 0:08:37.680 This, can I hear what those ways that you act 0:08:38.200 --> 0:08:42.240 that you believe you and' otherwise are well? 0:08:43.280 --> 0:08:47.400 I Since the diagnosis, I've tended to try to be 0:08:47.559 --> 0:08:53.040 more optimistic and friendly to people and kind because I 0:08:54.520 --> 0:08:57.520 have a lot of people who approach me quite often. 0:08:57.520 --> 0:09:00.720 I wouldn't say quite daily basis, but often like at 0:09:00.800 --> 0:09:03.640 least a few times a week, and I won't recognize them, 0:09:03.640 --> 0:09:05.560 but they'll say, you know, hey, we went to school 0:09:05.640 --> 0:09:08.880 for seven years together and we were in and one 0:09:08.920 --> 0:09:11.160 time we went on a field trip and I won't 0:09:11.200 --> 0:09:14.200 remember them. And then there will be, you know, another 0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:16.760 person who And this is when I first realized that 0:09:16.840 --> 0:09:20.200 I had a problem in my brain. Someone told me, yeah, 0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:23.120 I mean you were like the biggest like middle school 0:09:23.160 --> 0:09:26.920 bully to me, like you were awful, and you know 0:09:27.000 --> 0:09:30.400 you're just a yeah apparently, and just telling me how 0:09:30.440 --> 0:09:32.200 much of a piece of shit I was in middle school, 0:09:32.240 --> 0:09:35.040 which kids suck. We're all pieces of shit as kid. 0:09:35.880 --> 0:09:41.480 But since then, I really try to lead with as 0:09:41.559 --> 0:09:44.520 much kindness and respect as I can because I don't 0:09:44.640 --> 0:09:47.920 want to keep running into those instances where people will 0:09:47.920 --> 0:09:49.559 approach me and be like, hey, you're a piece of 0:09:49.600 --> 0:09:51.160 shit and I won't even know who they are. 0:09:52.120 --> 0:09:54.280 Is that I mean? I mean? Is that true? Is 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:59.439 is I The phenomenon in general of you being approached 0:09:59.480 --> 0:10:04.800 by people who are from your past that you don't 0:10:04.840 --> 0:10:07.960 recognize but that know you is an interesting one. But 0:10:08.200 --> 0:10:11.040 is it? Is it really true that you're finding a 0:10:11.080 --> 0:10:13.439 majority of those interactions to be negative? 0:10:15.400 --> 0:10:15.600 Oh? 0:10:15.679 --> 0:10:18.280 No, not the majority to be negative by any means. 0:10:18.320 --> 0:10:22.680 But I feel like one is too many, you know 0:10:22.679 --> 0:10:25.320 what I mean? I feel like one person approaching me 0:10:25.440 --> 0:10:27.079 like that is too many. And I've only had two 0:10:27.120 --> 0:10:31.600 people approach me like that, but that's still too many 0:10:31.720 --> 0:10:36.319 to me, And I feel like that means I should 0:10:36.320 --> 0:10:38.880 be changing as a person, and so I try to, 0:10:39.040 --> 0:10:42.200 you know, lead with kindness nowadays and try to really 0:10:42.880 --> 0:10:45.200 be the best person that I can be, even if 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:46.880 I don't remember it in the future. 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:54.240 Interesting, do you do you know if this I guess 0:10:54.520 --> 0:10:59.440 year lag of memory? Do you know I assume you've 0:10:59.480 --> 0:11:02.040 talked to you do. You do a lot of work 0:11:02.080 --> 0:11:05.199 with like psychologists and doctors about all this stuff. 0:11:07.200 --> 0:11:11.160 Unfortunately, the healthcare where I live is really really bad. 0:11:12.000 --> 0:11:17.120 I got this diagnosis, amongst others, from my therapist, my 0:11:17.200 --> 0:11:21.440 real therapist that I used to have, and but she 0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:24.440 can't really like put it on ten and paper. I 0:11:24.480 --> 0:11:26.880 have to see an actual neurologists for this one because 0:11:26.920 --> 0:11:30.280 it's so severe. And when I made the appointment a 0:11:30.320 --> 0:11:34.520 month ago, the neurologist said that the next opening is 0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:39.880 March thirteenth of next year. So in order to get 0:11:39.960 --> 0:11:44.520 any treatment or anything or you know, a pen and 0:11:44.559 --> 0:11:48.600 paper or sorry, like a hard copy of this diagnosis, 0:11:49.200 --> 0:11:50.400 I'm gonna have to wait till March. 0:11:53.880 --> 0:11:56.360 Do you know it all from anything that anyone has 0:11:56.360 --> 0:12:02.719 told you or from the highly reliable Internet, whether or 0:12:02.760 --> 0:12:09.640 not you you believe this will will persist as you continue? 0:12:09.679 --> 0:12:13.480 Like you know? Will will? You do you know if 0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:17.440 you'll be able to remember a year ago a year 0:12:17.480 --> 0:12:17.960 from now. 0:12:20.160 --> 0:12:23.880 Well, I'm actively trying to find ways to not dissociate 0:12:23.960 --> 0:12:28.880 every day, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. 0:12:28.960 --> 0:12:31.920 And having no memory, the amnesia, it takes no energy. 0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:34.800 What takes the energy is trying to remember. But I'm 0:12:34.800 --> 0:12:37.960 in this phase where I'm done trying to remember and 0:12:37.960 --> 0:12:40.920 I'm just trying to accept you know that I just 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:46.160 will never remember again. Those are lost memories. So it's 0:12:46.559 --> 0:12:48.400 I don't know. I try to find ways to make 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:50.720 it so I'm not dissociating. But it's a lot harder 0:12:50.760 --> 0:12:51.920 than it sounds. 0:12:51.840 --> 0:12:54.480 When you say you're trying to find ways not to disassociate. 0:12:54.520 --> 0:12:55.320 What are those ways? 0:12:57.920 --> 0:13:02.439 So I'll try to, like, like, honestly, lately, what's been 0:13:02.480 --> 0:13:06.319 helping me stay in the present moment while I'm like driving, 0:13:06.360 --> 0:13:10.960 for example, is I'm listening to your podcast Therapy Get Goo. 0:13:11.280 --> 0:13:15.000 That's been really helping keeping me in the present, just 0:13:15.240 --> 0:13:19.240 always having something going that I can relate memories to. 0:13:20.440 --> 0:13:25.920 So I'll be listening to your podcast or whatever podcast 0:13:26.000 --> 0:13:32.880 while I'm driving, or while i'm working, while I'm playing Minecraft, 0:13:33.080 --> 0:13:36.920 like fucking anything, and I try to keep things on. 0:13:37.160 --> 0:13:40.959 So if I can tie memories together, I've found that 0:13:40.960 --> 0:13:43.440 that helps me remember at least one of the things. 0:13:43.480 --> 0:13:45.040 If I could tie memories together. 0:13:49.080 --> 0:13:52.680 And has this been effective for you at all? I 0:13:52.720 --> 0:13:54.240 know you're saying that it's hard, and I'm sure it's 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:59.320 very hard. You're fighting actively against you know, something going 0:13:59.360 --> 0:14:01.640 on with you rologically that you haven't even had the 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:06.400 opportunity to really, really, you know, work on in a 0:14:06.440 --> 0:14:12.840 professional way. Has has has your your technique's been effective 0:14:13.559 --> 0:14:15.800 at all for you and helping you not just associate. 0:14:18.280 --> 0:14:21.480 I feel like I don't have the answer to that 0:14:21.520 --> 0:14:26.480 at this point in time, because I've only been trying 0:14:26.480 --> 0:14:29.200 this for the last week. So I feel like I'm 0:14:29.200 --> 0:14:33.320 gonna have to EXPERI a minute, a little longer until 0:14:33.360 --> 0:14:36.320 I can really know for sure if it's being effective. 0:14:36.360 --> 0:14:41.520 I mean, for example, like I think it was Sunday, Yeah, 0:14:41.640 --> 0:14:43.720 the Sunday. I was listening to your podcast all day, 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:49.000 and I remember actually quite a bit of Sunday versus like, 0:14:50.200 --> 0:14:52.520 oh god, I don't even know what I did yesterday. 0:14:52.760 --> 0:14:54.720 Like my short term memory is just as bad as 0:14:54.720 --> 0:14:59.160 my long term, but it's not as severe because one 0:14:59.280 --> 0:15:02.400 little idea, I can bring back all my memories from 0:15:02.440 --> 0:15:04.720 the other day, so it's not a big deal. But 0:15:05.960 --> 0:15:08.480 I think I think it is effective so far. 0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:21.160 What do you hope for the future, Crash. 0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:22.080 I'm just hoping to keep making really good memories, whether 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:27.080 I remember them or not, because I still want to 0:15:27.080 --> 0:15:28.840 live in the present. I don't know how long I have, 0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:31.000 you know, between you and me, and I haven't really 0:15:31.040 --> 0:15:33.880 told too many people. But I'm getting screened for cancer 0:15:33.960 --> 0:15:37.560 next week, and you know I'm young, and so that's 0:15:37.760 --> 0:15:41.000 I'm trying to really live my best life and remember 0:15:41.000 --> 0:15:42.320 what I can while I can. 0:15:44.880 --> 0:15:48.920 Yeah, what kind of memories are you? Are you hoping 0:15:48.960 --> 0:15:49.280 to make? 0:15:51.600 --> 0:15:51.760 Well? 0:15:51.760 --> 0:15:53.120 I would really love to travel. 0:15:53.240 --> 0:15:55.760 I would love to travel and see everything I can. 0:15:55.880 --> 0:15:58.080 You know, I've I've seen the Grand Canyon, I've seen 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:00.280 Niagara Falls. I've seen a lot of really beautiful things. 0:16:00.280 --> 0:16:02.200 But I want to see more. I want to go 0:16:02.240 --> 0:16:04.840 to more shows, like I'm going to Aftershock. 0:16:05.480 --> 0:16:08.680 Uh what do they do? Are they em next weekend? 0:16:10.320 --> 0:16:12.200 Oh? No, I am going to an M show? To 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:14.440 you know, Aftershock is like that rock and metal show 0:16:14.520 --> 0:16:17.720 like Kiss or playing my Chemical Romance Emo Ship. 0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:19.400 Okay, I thought it was the guy. 0:16:19.640 --> 0:16:21.120 And then I'm going to another festival. 0:16:21.640 --> 0:16:22.800 Do you know who I'm talking about? 0:16:23.640 --> 0:16:25.200 No, I don't. 0:16:25.560 --> 0:16:31.600 I don't want somebody somebody somebody knows what I'm I'm 0:16:31.640 --> 0:16:35.000 talking about. I'm sorry interrupt you. So you're going to 0:16:35.800 --> 0:16:38.400 a metal show, an E D M show? And then 0:16:38.560 --> 0:16:39.440 what other kind of show. 0:16:41.160 --> 0:16:44.160 Uh so, yeah, that that metal festival is like a 0:16:44.200 --> 0:16:47.120 three day festival. And then I'm going to this one 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:50.440 called Second Sky. It's this d M artist Porter Robinson. 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:55.640 It's a that that'll be fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I 0:16:56.720 --> 0:16:57.280 just found out. 0:16:57.600 --> 0:16:58.200 Yeah please. 0:17:00.440 --> 0:17:02.760 So I'm sure you heard about that song of that 0:17:02.880 --> 0:17:05.520 one guy fucked this girl too for two years see 0:17:05.560 --> 0:17:06.840 bat By Hudson Mohawks. 0:17:08.160 --> 0:17:10.360 Why have I have not heard of that at all? 0:17:12.080 --> 0:17:14.320 Oh my god? It was a huge, a huge thing. Anyway, 0:17:14.400 --> 0:17:17.280 so this huge thing. I'm going to be seeing it live. 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:20.320 He's playing at that freakin' show, So I'm excited for 0:17:20.359 --> 0:17:22.040 that anyway. So what were you gonna ask? 0:17:22.480 --> 0:17:25.760 He had sex with someone for two whole years while 0:17:25.760 --> 0:17:26.639 playing that song? 0:17:28.320 --> 0:17:31.000 Yes, and it's a terrible song. I recommend listening to 0:17:31.040 --> 0:17:32.639 it so you could get the full picture. 0:17:33.200 --> 0:17:35.280 Okay, I'll check that out. Fuck what was I going 0:17:35.359 --> 0:17:35.640 to say? 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:36.280 Oh? 0:17:36.400 --> 0:17:37.639 Yes, I remember, I was going to ask you, you 0:17:37.640 --> 0:17:41.639 know has has this amnique? Because it sounds like you 0:17:41.640 --> 0:17:44.400 you're you're making a lot of plans to go out 0:17:44.440 --> 0:17:46.399 and do a lot of things to really make a 0:17:46.440 --> 0:17:49.359 lot of of of the moment of the time that 0:17:49.440 --> 0:17:52.840 you have I mean, all of us, everyone alive, no 0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:56.080 one really really has any idea how much time they have. 0:17:56.720 --> 0:17:59.840 I'm wondering, I'm, you know, has the fuck I guess 0:17:59.800 --> 0:18:04.760 I don't know if you will be able to answer 0:18:04.800 --> 0:18:08.960 this smart asket anyway. Do you think that this whole 0:18:09.000 --> 0:18:13.000 thing has kicked you into some kind of a gear 0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:19.960 of trying to do more with yourself? I guess I'm 0:18:19.960 --> 0:18:21.879 thinking I don't know if you have that much of 0:18:21.880 --> 0:18:24.679 a handle of you know, how you lived your life, 0:18:25.440 --> 0:18:28.280 you know, in the past. I don't know if you 0:18:28.359 --> 0:18:30.440 have an idea of that based off what other people 0:18:30.440 --> 0:18:33.560 have told you. But do you think that something about 0:18:33.600 --> 0:18:38.080 all of this has inspired you to want to go 0:18:38.160 --> 0:18:38.639 do more? 0:18:40.960 --> 0:18:43.520 In a way? Probably? I mean, there's a lot of 0:18:43.560 --> 0:18:47.120 different things in going on in my life that has 0:18:47.200 --> 0:18:49.960 kind of kicked me into doing this kind of stuff. 0:18:50.000 --> 0:18:53.760 But I have always been if I know anything about myself, 0:18:53.760 --> 0:18:57.640 I've always been super adventurous, real seeking. I'm a wanderlust 0:18:57.800 --> 0:19:00.560 like I want to do any and everything I can, 0:19:02.080 --> 0:19:04.040 and I've just always kind of been like that. But 0:19:04.359 --> 0:19:07.320 now that I know I may or may not remember it, 0:19:07.880 --> 0:19:10.520 I guess I am trying to do it a little 0:19:10.560 --> 0:19:11.720 more as much as I can. 0:19:13.080 --> 0:19:17.200 Interesting. It's an interesting thing. You're a person who lives 0:19:17.440 --> 0:19:21.440 very much for adventures and experiences. I get that on 0:19:21.600 --> 0:19:25.200 a similar way, and yet you're not sure if you'll 0:19:25.200 --> 0:19:29.359 even be able to remember them, and so you really, 0:19:30.080 --> 0:19:37.680 truly are almost almost against your will living in the moment. Truly, 0:19:37.800 --> 0:19:42.600 the only way that you can even experience something is 0:19:42.680 --> 0:19:45.600 right as you're experiencing it. It's not I mean, there's 0:19:45.640 --> 0:19:50.520 the anticipatory thing, but there there's not a memory. It's 0:19:50.600 --> 0:19:54.160 just right there, right now, as you're doing it. That's 0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:55.679 interesting exactly. 0:19:55.920 --> 0:19:59.680 And the worst part is too, is like I've been 0:19:59.720 --> 0:20:04.800 real lot of shows I have, like memories pop up 0:20:04.800 --> 0:20:07.040 on my Snapchat or my Facebook or whatever, you know, 0:20:07.119 --> 0:20:12.600 those dang tweety apps that the kids use, but I 0:20:12.640 --> 0:20:14.440 don't have memories of them. And the thing that I 0:20:14.520 --> 0:20:16.639 used to do with all these shows is I would 0:20:16.680 --> 0:20:19.160 turn my phone off and put it away. I've never 0:20:19.200 --> 0:20:23.240 been one to record the shows or take pictures because 0:20:23.280 --> 0:20:26.240 I wanted to live in the moment. And I'm kind 0:20:26.280 --> 0:20:28.760 of kicking myself for that now because I don't have 0:20:28.920 --> 0:20:32.560 the videos or pictures of the show or you know, 0:20:33.160 --> 0:20:36.960 many with people that I've seen because I was too 0:20:37.000 --> 0:20:39.200 busy living in the moment, and now I can't remember 0:20:39.280 --> 0:20:39.840 any of it. 0:20:41.920 --> 0:20:45.720 Well, you know, Crash, listen, I hope that you have 0:20:45.800 --> 0:20:48.720 many more adventures where you're able to live in the moment. 0:20:48.760 --> 0:20:51.360 And it's funny you bring that up as a thing 0:20:51.400 --> 0:20:53.560 you're lamenting, because I almost feel like a lot of 0:20:53.600 --> 0:20:57.440 people experience the opposites where it's like they actually spent 0:20:57.600 --> 0:21:01.040 most of the concert trying to record it and never 0:21:01.119 --> 0:21:03.720 actually looked up and saw the band with their eyes. 0:21:05.280 --> 0:21:07.760 I try to do. I try to just I fucking 0:21:07.880 --> 0:21:10.800 take a little picture just so I remember it, and 0:21:10.840 --> 0:21:12.520 then I put it away and I try to live 0:21:12.560 --> 0:21:16.040 in in the in the thing, and I sway around 0:21:16.119 --> 0:21:16.600 and whatnot. 0:21:16.640 --> 0:21:19.680 That's what I'm practicing right now. To my last two 0:21:19.680 --> 0:21:23.120 shows I went to, I recorded like the very beginning 0:21:23.400 --> 0:21:26.080 of everything that was going on, and then I put 0:21:26.080 --> 0:21:28.120 my phone away and I enjoyed the rest of it. 0:21:28.200 --> 0:21:30.120 And that's served me well so far. 0:21:31.320 --> 0:21:33.840 Well, Crash, thanks for sharing all of this stuff. This 0:21:33.880 --> 0:21:37.240 was very interesting. I hope that I'm really I'm impressed. 0:21:37.240 --> 0:21:38.840 I'm glad to hear that you still have a very 0:21:40.200 --> 0:21:44.119 adventurous spirit and and a lot of desires and hopes 0:21:44.119 --> 0:21:45.760 for the future in light of you know, all the 0:21:45.760 --> 0:21:49.320 stuff that you you know is going on with you, 0:21:49.600 --> 0:21:53.120 and I hope you're able to you know, cross off 0:21:54.000 --> 0:21:58.720 the the various experiences on your list. Is there anything 0:21:58.720 --> 0:21:59.840 else that you want to say to the people that 0:21:59.840 --> 0:22:02.720 can or any other aspect of anything that you feel 0:22:02.760 --> 0:22:07.040 like we didn't get to, or any any final comments, thoughts, 0:22:07.160 --> 0:22:09.960 feelings before we before we go. 0:22:12.400 --> 0:22:14.600 I don't know, like part of me wants to say, Hey, 0:22:14.760 --> 0:22:17.640 live in the moment and just really enjoy what's going 0:22:17.680 --> 0:22:20.440 on in the present. But who knows if you get 0:22:20.480 --> 0:22:22.760 memory issues later on and you regret it, so I 0:22:23.160 --> 0:22:24.640 feel like it's not very good advice. 0:22:25.560 --> 0:22:29.040 Well, this is an interesting thing that we're talking about, 0:22:29.080 --> 0:22:33.439 of like some finding a balance between living in the 0:22:33.480 --> 0:22:36.639 thing and documenting the thing. I think a lot of 0:22:36.680 --> 0:22:41.320 people try to struggle that balance, you know, struggle with 0:22:41.359 --> 0:22:44.760 that balance, but I think I think it exists a 0:22:44.800 --> 0:22:45.679 proper amount of. 0:22:45.680 --> 0:22:50.400 Each I'll look for that balance for you while I'll 0:22:50.480 --> 0:22:50.840 let you know. 0:22:52.200 --> 0:22:55.040 Thank you very much for calling cash. 0:22:55.160 --> 0:22:56.600 Yeah, thank you, I'll see you later. 0:22:57.200 --> 0:23:00.640 Take care. That was interesting. I like to that call, 0:23:01.240 --> 0:23:04.160