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Speaker 1: Hi, what's your name?

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Speaker 2: I'm Crash.

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Speaker 3: What's your name?

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Speaker 1: You're crash?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, like crashing a car? Well it was a motorcycle.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, you don't have to tell me what your

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Speaker 1: real name is. But is that your real name?

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Speaker 2: No, it's not, but it's what I go by. It's

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Speaker 2: my road name.

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Speaker 1: It's your road name. I feel like Crash is an

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Speaker 1: unfortunate road name to have, because nobody on the road

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Speaker 1: wants to crash.

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Speaker 2: Right, Well, that's how I got the road name.

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Speaker 1: Lyle Uh, did you crash into something?

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Speaker 2: I totld? My brand new motorcycle is a Harley. I

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Speaker 2: had it for three days. Man, So sad?

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Speaker 1: Are you a motorcycle driver?

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Speaker 3: Now?

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Speaker 1: Do you still drive motorcycles?

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Speaker 2: I haven't been able to get a new one. I

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Speaker 2: don't know if you know this. The motorcycles are at

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Speaker 2: least like ten dollars and I can't really save that

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Speaker 2: kind of money in this economy.

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Speaker 1: You there at least at least Okay, what's the most

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Speaker 1: amount of money they are?

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: So, Crash, while, what's up with you? Is there any

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Speaker 1: particular thing that you called in to talk about? Yeah?

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Speaker 2: I just kind of wanted to rant a little about

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Speaker 2: my dissociative amnesia because people don't understand, like in my life,

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Speaker 2: and I wanted to just talk to a third party

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Speaker 2: who doesn't know me.

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Speaker 1: What is dissociative amnesia.

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Speaker 2: So the best I understand it is like something traumatic

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Speaker 2: happens to you and you just end up like dissociating

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Speaker 2: through your whole life. So the older you get, the

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Speaker 2: less you remember. In my case, I remember like six

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Speaker 2: months to a year before today, and I get little

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Speaker 2: flashes of my memory here and there, but I don't

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Speaker 2: really remember jack shit. And then like also depersonalization, derealization,

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Speaker 2: like imagine feeling like genuinely feeling like you're living in

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Speaker 2: a simulation, and any memories you have or like distant dreams.

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Speaker 2: It's kind of like that.

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Speaker 1: It says here that you have no memory of your

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Speaker 1: life before a year ago. Is that true?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: So I'll just get like little flashes of memories here

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Speaker 2: and there, but like I said, they just kind of

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Speaker 2: feel like dreams. They don't feel like my memories. But

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Speaker 2: mostly I only remember things from like before a year ago.

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Speaker 1: Interesting, so you only have a year's worth of memory.

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Speaker 2: Pretty much. Yeah, Like I'll give you an example that

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Speaker 2: I told Tim, and which shout out to Tim, He's amazing.

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Speaker 2: But basically, I looked at a picture that I took

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Speaker 2: a polaroid and it had me and like three of

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Speaker 2: my friends we were at the fair. Uh. And one

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Speaker 2: of the front that I supposedly had I don't recognize

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Speaker 2: at all. I don't remember going to the fair. I

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Speaker 2: don't remember ever having a polaroid camera at that time.

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Speaker 2: It was very weird. It's like I was looking at

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Speaker 2: some like like I said, simulation shit, you know mm.

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Speaker 1: And so I mean, what about like your relationships, How

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Speaker 1: has this affected your relationships? Do you do you have friends?

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Speaker 1: Do you have family? And if so, do you what

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Speaker 1: do you remember about them?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I there's a few exes who I don't remember,

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Speaker 2: but like my family will ask about them and I

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Speaker 2: don't really recall. I do have family, and I remember

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Speaker 2: all my family because I talk to them like all

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Speaker 2: the time. To make sure that I can remember, I

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Speaker 2: really actively every day have to like do things to

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Speaker 2: keep my memory sharp for things that are import in

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Speaker 2: as far as my relationship goes, I do have a

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Speaker 2: boyfriend h and he doesn't really get it. He doesn't understand.

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Speaker 2: So like I'll dissociate and he'll just be talking to me,

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Speaker 2: and I'll notice he's talking, but I'm not like actually

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Speaker 2: hearing what he's saying. I'll be like what, and he

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Speaker 2: gets mad, But I love him anyway. But yeah, as

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Speaker 2: far as that goes, I just my memory, like long

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Speaker 2: term is gone, and my short term memory sucks too.

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Speaker 2: But I try every day to remember to you know,

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Speaker 2: utilize things that I have to remember what I can,

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Speaker 2: like calendar events, alarms, et cetera.

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Speaker 1: And what aspects of your life in particular do you

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Speaker 1: think of are the most affected by this?

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Speaker 3: Oh jeez, I don't know. That's a great question.

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Speaker 2: It's not like the memory aspect that affects me the most,

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Speaker 2: but the dissociation, because like I had dissociated my whole life,

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Speaker 2: and I continue to dissociate every day. So I'll just

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Speaker 2: like be on total autopilot. That's kind of how I

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Speaker 2: describe it as just autopilot. I'll be driving. I drive

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Speaker 2: for a living, I work for your mamate. It's a

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Speaker 2: lot of driving, and I'll just go from you know,

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Speaker 2: point A to point B, and that could be like

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Speaker 2: a fifteen minute drive and I'll be leaving the store

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Speaker 2: and all of a sudden, I'll be at the next like,

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Speaker 2: and I just don't recall any of the drive. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: so that it affects me on a daily basis like that,

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Speaker 2: but also you know, feeling like I'm in a simulation

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Speaker 2: and stuff like that.

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Speaker 1: So, you know, I asked you about your relationships, and

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Speaker 1: you you told me about you know, your boyfriend. But

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Speaker 1: what about your friends? Are they like? Like? Because I

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Speaker 1: assume that at the time, I assume that you have

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Speaker 1: friends in your life that you have had for perhaps

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Speaker 1: over a year. How what have those relationships been like?

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Speaker 1: How have they been affected?

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Speaker 2: So that is an interesting assumption to say I have friends.

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Speaker 2: I do have one friend that I've had since like

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Speaker 2: twenty sixteen, and because we still talk on a semi

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Speaker 2: regular basis, I am able to remember her obviously, But

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Speaker 2: as far as things that we did when we first

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Speaker 2: became friends or people that we invited into our inner circle,

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Speaker 2: none of that really comes to mind at all. I

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Speaker 2: don't remember much of anything, which really sucks, because there's

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Speaker 2: a lot of really really great things that we've done

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Speaker 2: together that Sh'll described to me, and it's just it's

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Speaker 2: just gone.

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Speaker 1: When you're being described memories of yourself by people that

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Speaker 1: you're close to, is any part of you almost re

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Speaker 1: experiencing them in a way.

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Speaker 2: Only when I am looking at pictures and videos of

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Speaker 2: things that I did, I am able to somewhat relive it.

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Speaker 2: I have that to be true. Like I have videos,

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Speaker 2: like she was telling me about this cool concert we

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Speaker 2: went to, and I have a video of it, but

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Speaker 2: it's only really able to remember any of it when

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Speaker 2: I watched the video, And that's only the video part

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Speaker 2: that I was able to remember, because it was obviously

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Speaker 2: a memory memory. But to me, it doesn't feel like

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Speaker 2: a memory. It feels like I'm just watching it, and

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Speaker 2: it's almost like a sense of deja vus, Like obviously

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Speaker 2: I know I've been there, but I don't remember being there.

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Speaker 1: So I want to know with with you, your personality,

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Speaker 1: your hobbies, your interests, the you know, these things that

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Speaker 1: take many years to develop. Like do you do you

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Speaker 1: find yourself having to recreate yourself in a way?

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Speaker 2: Well, I don't think so. I feel like, you know,

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Speaker 2: we're we're always changing, you know, we're always changing people,

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Speaker 2: so it of course I'm not going to be like

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Speaker 2: the same person that I was, And I feel like

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Speaker 2: I can't just contribute that to the aminsia. But I

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Speaker 2: do find myself like doing a lot more things that

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't have normally done. I do find myself acting

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Speaker 2: in certain ways that I probably wouldn't otherwise.

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Speaker 3: Just because of.

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Speaker 1: This, can I hear what those ways that you act

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Speaker 1: that you believe you and' otherwise are well?

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Speaker 2: I Since the diagnosis, I've tended to try to be

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Speaker 2: more optimistic and friendly to people and kind because I

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Speaker 2: have a lot of people who approach me quite often.

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't say quite daily basis, but often like at

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Speaker 2: least a few times a week, and I won't recognize them,

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Speaker 2: but they'll say, you know, hey, we went to school

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Speaker 2: for seven years together and we were in and one

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Speaker 2: time we went on a field trip and I won't

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Speaker 2: remember them. And then there will be, you know, another

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Speaker 2: person who And this is when I first realized that

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Speaker 2: I had a problem in my brain. Someone told me, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I mean you were like the biggest like middle school

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Speaker 2: bully to me, like you were awful, and you know

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Speaker 2: you're just a yeah apparently, and just telling me how

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Speaker 2: much of a piece of shit I was in middle school,

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Speaker 2: which kids suck. We're all pieces of shit as kid.

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Speaker 2: But since then, I really try to lead with as

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Speaker 2: much kindness and respect as I can because I don't

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Speaker 2: want to keep running into those instances where people will

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Speaker 2: approach me and be like, hey, you're a piece of

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Speaker 2: shit and I won't even know who they are.

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Speaker 1: Is that I mean? I mean? Is that true? Is

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Speaker 1: is I The phenomenon in general of you being approached

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Speaker 1: by people who are from your past that you don't

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Speaker 1: recognize but that know you is an interesting one. But

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Speaker 1: is it? Is it really true that you're finding a

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Speaker 1: majority of those interactions to be negative?

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Speaker 3: Oh?

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Speaker 2: No, not the majority to be negative by any means.

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Speaker 2: But I feel like one is too many, you know

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Speaker 2: what I mean? I feel like one person approaching me

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Speaker 2: like that is too many. And I've only had two

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Speaker 2: people approach me like that, but that's still too many

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Speaker 2: to me, And I feel like that means I should

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Speaker 2: be changing as a person, and so I try to,

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Speaker 2: you know, lead with kindness nowadays and try to really

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Speaker 2: be the best person that I can be, even if

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Speaker 2: I don't remember it in the future.

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Speaker 1: Interesting, do you do you know if this I guess

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Speaker 1: year lag of memory? Do you know I assume you've

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Speaker 1: talked to you do. You do a lot of work

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Speaker 1: with like psychologists and doctors about all this stuff.

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Speaker 2: Unfortunately, the healthcare where I live is really really bad.

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Speaker 2: I got this diagnosis, amongst others, from my therapist, my

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Speaker 2: real therapist that I used to have, and but she

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Speaker 2: can't really like put it on ten and paper. I

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Speaker 2: have to see an actual neurologists for this one because

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Speaker 2: it's so severe. And when I made the appointment a

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Speaker 2: month ago, the neurologist said that the next opening is

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Speaker 2: March thirteenth of next year. So in order to get

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Speaker 2: any treatment or anything or you know, a pen and

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Speaker 2: paper or sorry, like a hard copy of this diagnosis,

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna have to wait till March.

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Speaker 1: Do you know it all from anything that anyone has

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Speaker 1: told you or from the highly reliable Internet, whether or

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Speaker 1: not you you believe this will will persist as you continue?

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Speaker 1: Like you know? Will will? You do you know if

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Speaker 1: you'll be able to remember a year ago a year

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Speaker 1: from now.

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm actively trying to find ways to not dissociate

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Speaker 2: every day, but it's a lot harder than it sounds.

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Speaker 2: And having no memory, the amnesia, it takes no energy.

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Speaker 2: What takes the energy is trying to remember. But I'm

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Speaker 2: in this phase where I'm done trying to remember and

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Speaker 2: I'm just trying to accept you know that I just

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Speaker 2: will never remember again. Those are lost memories. So it's

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Speaker 2: I don't know. I try to find ways to make

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Speaker 2: it so I'm not dissociating. But it's a lot harder

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Speaker 2: than it sounds.

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Speaker 1: When you say you're trying to find ways not to disassociate.

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Speaker 1: What are those ways?

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Speaker 2: So I'll try to, like, like, honestly, lately, what's been

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Speaker 2: helping me stay in the present moment while I'm like driving,

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Speaker 2: for example, is I'm listening to your podcast Therapy Get Goo.

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Speaker 2: That's been really helping keeping me in the present, just

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Speaker 2: always having something going that I can relate memories to.

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Speaker 2: So I'll be listening to your podcast or whatever podcast

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Speaker 2: while I'm driving, or while i'm working, while I'm playing Minecraft,

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Speaker 2: like fucking anything, and I try to keep things on.

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Speaker 2: So if I can tie memories together, I've found that

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Speaker 2: that helps me remember at least one of the things.

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Speaker 2: If I could tie memories together.

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Speaker 1: And has this been effective for you at all? I

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Speaker 1: know you're saying that it's hard, and I'm sure it's

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Speaker 1: very hard. You're fighting actively against you know, something going

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Speaker 1: on with you rologically that you haven't even had the

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Speaker 1: opportunity to really, really, you know, work on in a

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Speaker 1: professional way. Has has has your your technique's been effective

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Speaker 1: at all for you and helping you not just associate.

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Speaker 2: I feel like I don't have the answer to that

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Speaker 2: at this point in time, because I've only been trying

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Speaker 2: this for the last week. So I feel like I'm

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Speaker 2: gonna have to EXPERI a minute, a little longer until

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Speaker 2: I can really know for sure if it's being effective.

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Speaker 2: I mean, for example, like I think it was Sunday, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: the Sunday. I was listening to your podcast all day,

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Speaker 2: and I remember actually quite a bit of Sunday versus like,

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Speaker 2: oh god, I don't even know what I did yesterday.

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Speaker 2: Like my short term memory is just as bad as

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Speaker 2: my long term, but it's not as severe because one

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Speaker 2: little idea, I can bring back all my memories from

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Speaker 2: the other day, so it's not a big deal. But

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Speaker 2: I think I think it is effective so far.

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Speaker 1: What do you hope for the future, Crash.

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Speaker 2: I'm just hoping to keep making really good memories, whether

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Speaker 2: I remember them or not, because I still want to

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Speaker 2: live in the present. I don't know how long I have,

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Speaker 2: you know, between you and me, and I haven't really

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Speaker 2: told too many people. But I'm getting screened for cancer

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Speaker 2: next week, and you know I'm young, and so that's

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to really live my best life and remember

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Speaker 2: what I can while I can.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, what kind of memories are you? Are you hoping

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Speaker 1: to make?

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Speaker 4: Well?

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Speaker 3: I would really love to travel.

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Speaker 2: I would love to travel and see everything I can.

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Speaker 2: You know, I've I've seen the Grand Canyon, I've seen

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Speaker 2: Niagara Falls. I've seen a lot of really beautiful things.

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Speaker 2: But I want to see more. I want to go

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Speaker 2: to more shows, like I'm going to Aftershock.

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Speaker 1: Uh what do they do? Are they em next weekend?

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Speaker 2: Oh? No, I am going to an M show? To

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Speaker 2: you know, Aftershock is like that rock and metal show

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Speaker 2: like Kiss or playing my Chemical Romance Emo Ship.

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Speaker 1: Okay, I thought it was the guy.

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Speaker 2: And then I'm going to another festival.

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Speaker 1: Do you know who I'm talking about?

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Speaker 2: No, I don't.

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Speaker 1: I don't want somebody somebody somebody knows what I'm I'm

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Speaker 1: talking about. I'm sorry interrupt you. So you're going to

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Speaker 1: a metal show, an E D M show? And then

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Speaker 1: what other kind of show.

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Speaker 2: Uh so, yeah, that that metal festival is like a

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Speaker 2: three day festival. And then I'm going to this one

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Speaker 2: called Second Sky. It's this d M artist Porter Robinson.

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Speaker 2: It's a that that'll be fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I

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Speaker 2: just found out.

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Speaker 1: Yeah please.

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Speaker 2: So I'm sure you heard about that song of that

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Speaker 2: one guy fucked this girl too for two years see

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Speaker 2: bat By Hudson Mohawks.

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Speaker 1: Why have I have not heard of that at all?

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Speaker 2: Oh my god? It was a huge, a huge thing. Anyway,

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Speaker 2: so this huge thing. I'm going to be seeing it live.

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Speaker 2: He's playing at that freakin' show, So I'm excited for

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Speaker 2: that anyway. So what were you gonna ask?

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Speaker 1: He had sex with someone for two whole years while

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Speaker 1: playing that song?

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Speaker 2: Yes, and it's a terrible song. I recommend listening to

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Speaker 2: it so you could get the full picture.

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Speaker 1: Okay, I'll check that out. Fuck what was I going

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Speaker 1: to say?

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Speaker 2: Oh?

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Speaker 1: Yes, I remember, I was going to ask you, you

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Speaker 1: know has has this amnique? Because it sounds like you

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Speaker 1: you're you're making a lot of plans to go out

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Speaker 1: and do a lot of things to really make a

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Speaker 1: lot of of of the moment of the time that

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Speaker 1: you have I mean, all of us, everyone alive, no

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Speaker 1: one really really has any idea how much time they have.

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Speaker 1: I'm wondering, I'm, you know, has the fuck I guess

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Speaker 1: I don't know if you will be able to answer

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Speaker 1: this smart asket anyway. Do you think that this whole

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Speaker 1: thing has kicked you into some kind of a gear

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Speaker 1: of trying to do more with yourself? I guess I'm

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Speaker 1: thinking I don't know if you have that much of

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Speaker 1: a handle of you know, how you lived your life,

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Speaker 1: you know, in the past. I don't know if you

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Speaker 1: have an idea of that based off what other people

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Speaker 1: have told you. But do you think that something about

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Speaker 1: all of this has inspired you to want to go

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Speaker 1: do more?

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Speaker 2: In a way? Probably? I mean, there's a lot of

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Speaker 2: different things in going on in my life that has

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Speaker 2: kind of kicked me into doing this kind of stuff.

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Speaker 2: But I have always been if I know anything about myself,

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Speaker 2: I've always been super adventurous, real seeking. I'm a wanderlust

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Speaker 2: like I want to do any and everything I can,

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Speaker 2: and I've just always kind of been like that. But

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Speaker 2: now that I know I may or may not remember it,

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Speaker 2: I guess I am trying to do it a little

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Speaker 2: more as much as I can.

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Speaker 1: Interesting. It's an interesting thing. You're a person who lives

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Speaker 1: very much for adventures and experiences. I get that on

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Speaker 1: a similar way, and yet you're not sure if you'll

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Speaker 1: even be able to remember them, and so you really,

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Speaker 1: truly are almost almost against your will living in the moment. Truly,

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Speaker 1: the only way that you can even experience something is

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Speaker 1: right as you're experiencing it. It's not I mean, there's

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Speaker 1: the anticipatory thing, but there there's not a memory. It's

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Speaker 1: just right there, right now, as you're doing it. That's

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Speaker 1: interesting exactly.

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Speaker 2: And the worst part is too, is like I've been

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Speaker 2: real lot of shows I have, like memories pop up

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Speaker 2: on my Snapchat or my Facebook or whatever, you know,

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Speaker 2: those dang tweety apps that the kids use, but I

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Speaker 2: don't have memories of them. And the thing that I

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Speaker 2: used to do with all these shows is I would

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Speaker 2: turn my phone off and put it away. I've never

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Speaker 2: been one to record the shows or take pictures because

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Speaker 2: I wanted to live in the moment. And I'm kind

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Speaker 2: of kicking myself for that now because I don't have

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Speaker 2: the videos or pictures of the show or you know,

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Speaker 2: many with people that I've seen because I was too

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Speaker 2: busy living in the moment, and now I can't remember

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Speaker 2: any of it.

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Speaker 1: Well, you know, Crash, listen, I hope that you have

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Speaker 1: many more adventures where you're able to live in the moment.

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Speaker 1: And it's funny you bring that up as a thing

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Speaker 1: you're lamenting, because I almost feel like a lot of

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Speaker 1: people experience the opposites where it's like they actually spent

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Speaker 1: most of the concert trying to record it and never

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Speaker 1: actually looked up and saw the band with their eyes.

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Speaker 1: I try to do. I try to just I fucking

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Speaker 1: take a little picture just so I remember it, and

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Speaker 1: then I put it away and I try to live

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Speaker 1: in in the in the thing, and I sway around

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Speaker 1: and whatnot.

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Speaker 2: That's what I'm practicing right now. To my last two

369
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Speaker 2: shows I went to, I recorded like the very beginning

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Speaker 2: of everything that was going on, and then I put

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Speaker 2: my phone away and I enjoyed the rest of it.

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Speaker 2: And that's served me well so far.

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Speaker 1: Well, Crash, thanks for sharing all of this stuff. This

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Speaker 1: was very interesting. I hope that I'm really I'm impressed.

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Speaker 1: I'm glad to hear that you still have a very

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Speaker 1: adventurous spirit and and a lot of desires and hopes

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Speaker 1: for the future in light of you know, all the

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Speaker 1: stuff that you you know is going on with you,

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Speaker 1: and I hope you're able to you know, cross off

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Speaker 1: the the various experiences on your list. Is there anything

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Speaker 1: else that you want to say to the people that

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Speaker 1: can or any other aspect of anything that you feel

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Speaker 1: like we didn't get to, or any any final comments, thoughts,

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Speaker 1: feelings before we before we go.

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Speaker 2: I don't know, like part of me wants to say, Hey,

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Speaker 2: live in the moment and just really enjoy what's going

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Speaker 2: on in the present. But who knows if you get

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Speaker 2: memory issues later on and you regret it, so I

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Speaker 2: feel like it's not very good advice.

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Speaker 1: Well, this is an interesting thing that we're talking about,

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Speaker 1: of like some finding a balance between living in the

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Speaker 1: thing and documenting the thing. I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: people try to struggle that balance, you know, struggle with

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Speaker 1: that balance, but I think I think it exists a

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Speaker 1: proper amount of.

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Speaker 2: Each I'll look for that balance for you while I'll

397
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Speaker 2: let you know.

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Speaker 1: Thank you very much for calling cash.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you, I'll see you later.

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Speaker 1: Take care. That was interesting. I like to that call,

401
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,160
Speaker 1: trying to think what I feel like I learned from

402
00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:13,160
Speaker 1: it very interesting predicament her like finding out things about

403
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:18,080
Speaker 1: herself retroactively, retroactively from like her parents and people she

404
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:22,400
Speaker 1: meets in her town about you know, her ex boyfriends

405
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:25,560
Speaker 1: or how she was in middle school or any of

406
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:30,200
Speaker 1: that stuff. I would have try. I would like have trouble,

407
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:34,200
Speaker 1: you know, because I don't know some guy I met

408
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Speaker 1: outside of a grocery store telling me that I was

409
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Speaker 1: an asshole in middle school. And I wouldn't even believe

410
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:42,320
Speaker 1: that person, you know, what credibility do they even have?

411
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Speaker 1: But yeah, I like that she still had this this

412
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Speaker 1: thirst for adventure and experiences and no, you know this

413
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Speaker 1: this like I noticed in her, like a lamentation. Is

414
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Speaker 1: that a word lament a tation of lament lamentation. I

415
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:09,840
Speaker 1: think that's a word, a lamentation of memories lost, but

416
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Speaker 1: not in such a way where she's sitting around, you know,

417
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Speaker 1: so upset about the lost memories that she's debilitated from

418
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Speaker 1: making future ones. And that that that's what I like

419
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,720
Speaker 1: about her and what I like about that story. And

420
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Speaker 1: I hope she takes many cool concert videos and pictures

421
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Speaker 1: and whatnot in the future and then puts her phone

422
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Speaker 1: down and looks at stuff.

423
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Speaker 5: Hello, Hey, is this wild?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? Who is this?

425
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Speaker 4: This is Michael.

426
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Speaker 1: Michael. How's it going, man?

427
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Speaker 4: Not much I'm doing. I'm doing all right. Yeah.

428
00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:55,159
Speaker 1: How are you? I'm good? What's uh? How can I

429
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Speaker 1: get you?

430
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Speaker 2: Uh?

431
00:24:59,119 --> 00:24:59,320
Speaker 1: Yes?

432
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Speaker 4: So I had this acid trip with some friends, maybe

433
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:08,600
Speaker 4: like five or six years ago, and ever since then,

434
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Speaker 4: like I just have this thought in the back of

435
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Speaker 4: my head that like reality isn't real because like, sorry,

436
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:20,320
Speaker 4: I gotta tell you the story with what happened. So

437
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:24,639
Speaker 4: to of my friends, we decided to do acid in

438
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Speaker 4: his parents' house basement and they were off in another country.

439
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:33,080
Speaker 4: So we did it, and my friend he kind of

440
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,879
Speaker 4: kind of pushed me to take two tabs instead of

441
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:41,640
Speaker 4: just one. And I have a very low tolerance for drugs,

442
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,919
Speaker 4: but I just did it because I wasn't like I

443
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:48,760
Speaker 4: don't know anything about it. So we did it, and

444
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,439
Speaker 4: like my mind is going like a mile a minute.

445
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:54,960
Speaker 4: I'm like, we're watching like Neil de grass Tyson or whatever,

446
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:58,520
Speaker 4: and I'm thinking, like I'm solving all the problems of

447
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:03,520
Speaker 4: the universe. And so I'm basically talking a lot and

448
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:08,440
Speaker 4: my friends are like, hey, Michael, like we just chill

449
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,840
Speaker 4: when we do this, So the vibe was offered me there,

450
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,760
Speaker 4: so I basically stopped talking and then I.

451
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:15,960
Speaker 1: Was like, all right, so so you're telling me you're hot,

452
00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:19,760
Speaker 1: you're stoned on acid? Can you be stoned on acid?

453
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,199
Speaker 1: Who goes? So you're high on acid and you're talking

454
00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:25,800
Speaker 1: and then your friend says to you, you know, Michael,

455
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:27,880
Speaker 1: we usually just chill when we do this.

456
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:32,800
Speaker 4: Yeah it was not. I mean they were on acid too,

457
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:38,000
Speaker 4: but it definitely did not give me a good vine.

458
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah too, Okay continue.

459
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,399
Speaker 4: So then so then I ended up just like talking

460
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,960
Speaker 4: to myself for a while because as I was like

461
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:54,840
Speaker 4: coming up, I was like trying to not forget who

462
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,040
Speaker 4: I was. So I was just renaming people in my

463
00:26:57,119 --> 00:27:00,520
Speaker 4: life over and over again. And then you know, I

464
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:03,600
Speaker 4: I had the whole ass experience where like it was crazy.

465
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:07,480
Speaker 4: I saw the universe be born, and I lived through

466
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,439
Speaker 4: all that. I had all the answers, and then like

467
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:18,120
Speaker 4: then I started coming down. And when I was coming down,

468
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:21,360
Speaker 4: I was like I would wake up in that basement

469
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:23,919
Speaker 4: and then like I was like, all right, I have

470
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:25,919
Speaker 4: to get out of this or else I'm never going

471
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,080
Speaker 4: to be myself again. So it's like, I gotta get

472
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:32,240
Speaker 4: out of this basement, so I would. I did it

473
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,720
Speaker 4: maybe a hundred times. There was just more thoughts of

474
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:38,160
Speaker 4: me leaving the basement and doing like crazier and crazier

475
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:41,399
Speaker 4: things each time, Like one time I went outside to

476
00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:45,000
Speaker 4: a glass at a house, which is what was all

477
00:27:45,119 --> 00:27:48,399
Speaker 4: my imagination or whatever. One time I got in my

478
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:50,800
Speaker 4: car and I drove into a tree. But then I

479
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:54,920
Speaker 4: would always just wake up back in the in the basement.

480
00:27:55,720 --> 00:28:00,199
Speaker 4: But then finally after all these times like escaping, like

481
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:04,240
Speaker 4: when I was actually coming down and like got up

482
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:07,840
Speaker 4: and my friends, who were also tripping on acid, like

483
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:10,400
Speaker 4: we're like, I was like, I got to get out

484
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:12,119
Speaker 4: of his basement. They're like, Michael, no, we got to

485
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:15,520
Speaker 4: stay down because he had like his aunt and uncle upstairs.

486
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:17,640
Speaker 4: And they were like, no, we got to stay down

487
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:20,480
Speaker 4: here because we're on drugs and they'd be weird. And

488
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:25,199
Speaker 4: so then I ended up actually like wrestling them and

489
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:28,480
Speaker 4: I punched one of them in the jaw, and then

490
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:32,119
Speaker 4: and then I sprinted upstairs, and like they followed me,

491
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:36,000
Speaker 4: not knowing what to do, and so like I went

492
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:38,400
Speaker 4: into the kitchen and the aunt was there, and I

493
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:40,720
Speaker 4: was like trying to act on normal, trying to figure

494
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:46,280
Speaker 4: out if this reality was the real one. So I

495
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:49,200
Speaker 4: I go grab a glass to fill with the water,

496
00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:50,640
Speaker 4: and she's like, oh, what are you guys doing. We're

497
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:53,200
Speaker 4: just watching movies. And I go stand behind her and

498
00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:55,400
Speaker 4: I just look at her for a second, look at

499
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:59,200
Speaker 4: my friends, and then I actually just smacked the shit

500
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:04,840
Speaker 4: out of her from behind her. And that ended up

501
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:08,480
Speaker 4: your friends? Yeah, No, it was one of my friends,

502
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:11,600
Speaker 4: the guy's house. We were at his like aunts.

503
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:13,600
Speaker 1: Was there his aunt?

504
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:13,720
Speaker 2: So?

505
00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:19,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, you so you smacked your friend's aunt.

506
00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:22,200
Speaker 4: Yeah.

507
00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:24,320
Speaker 1: Was she on acid?

508
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:25,360
Speaker 2: No?

509
00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:28,680
Speaker 4: No, they had no idea that we were dripping in

510
00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:29,280
Speaker 4: the basement.

511
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,920
Speaker 1: Okay, how did she or how did she react to that?

512
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:38,040
Speaker 4: While she just turned around started screaming and crying. And

513
00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 4: then like my two friends were just in shock, and

514
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:44,800
Speaker 4: my the the guy's uncle like came over and he

515
00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:47,640
Speaker 4: was like high as fuck on weed. They didn't really

516
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:53,160
Speaker 4: do anything, and yeah, my friends drove me home. Oh

517
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:57,520
Speaker 4: and before in the story, I had like called my parents,

518
00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:02,240
Speaker 4: who were like very anti drugs, and told them like everything.

519
00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:04,920
Speaker 4: I was like, Oh, I'm at an acid I need

520
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:07,360
Speaker 4: you to pick me up. I started like saying things

521
00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:14,120
Speaker 4: in my life were alive that weren't like and then yeah,

522
00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:17,400
Speaker 4: ever since then, Like, I don't know, it got better

523
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:23,440
Speaker 4: over time, but I just always had that feeling that that, like,

524
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,320
Speaker 4: I don't know, sometimes the matrix will break and somebody

525
00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:29,680
Speaker 4: will like casually mention how or not. It feels like

526
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:32,840
Speaker 4: since that happened, people would like casually mentioned that this

527
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:36,840
Speaker 4: isn't reality out of context completely that I'm.

528
00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:42,720
Speaker 1: Just like Michael, really Michael, Yeah, all right, so this

529
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 1: this whole changed relationship with reality. Was there any seed

530
00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:50,760
Speaker 1: of this before you took the acid?

531
00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:53,480
Speaker 4: No, not at all.

532
00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,880
Speaker 1: Okay, And now, on a day to day basis, do

533
00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:01,200
Speaker 1: you feel different than you did on a day to

534
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:03,240
Speaker 1: day basis before you took the acid.

535
00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:08,440
Speaker 4: I mean at first I did, uh, like all the time,

536
00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:11,520
Speaker 4: but as time went on, I kind of it kind

537
00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:15,000
Speaker 4: of stopped, I guess, But It's always been there in

538
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:18,400
Speaker 4: the back of my head, and I'd like, like.

539
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:23,480
Speaker 1: With reality now, uh, I don't know.

540
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:26,920
Speaker 4: I just like I don't. I mean, I'm gonna keep

541
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:29,920
Speaker 4: living it because it's the only thing I got now,

542
00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:34,520
Speaker 4: but I'm just not totally convinced that it's it's real.

543
00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:43,920
Speaker 1: You're not totally convinced that your reality is real? Yeah, okay,

544
00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:49,200
Speaker 1: what tell me this? What what does real mean? Are you?

545
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:54,280
Speaker 1: Are you insinuating that what you are experiencing that are you?

546
00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:54,560
Speaker 3: Are you?

547
00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:58,600
Speaker 1: Are you insinuating that there was actually something else that

548
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:03,680
Speaker 1: is more real than what you are experiencing right now? Yeah?

549
00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:06,080
Speaker 4: Well, I'm I'm basically saying that what if I was

550
00:32:06,120 --> 00:32:09,760
Speaker 4: still caught in one of those thought loops that I, like,

551
00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:14,200
Speaker 4: I just never left that basement or I died or something,

552
00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:17,400
Speaker 4: and that my brain is still just short circuiting. And

553
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:20,320
Speaker 4: I'm look at that like there's an episode of Rick

554
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:22,400
Speaker 4: and Morty with a guy I can live through a

555
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:28,400
Speaker 4: whole life and in a video game you're talking about.

556
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:31,680
Speaker 1: I brought that. I literally brought that up in conversation

557
00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:36,960
Speaker 1: yesterday as an example for something. And yeah that nobody

558
00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:41,440
Speaker 1: knew what I was talking about. But anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, okay,

559
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 1: if I told you that that is not the case

560
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:47,480
Speaker 1: and that you are real, would you believe me?

561
00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:55,280
Speaker 4: I mean, I'm like pretty convinced that it's real because

562
00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:58,120
Speaker 4: I couldn't feel it feels like I couldn't be going

563
00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:02,920
Speaker 4: on this law. I mean, that trip was like I

564
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:08,360
Speaker 4: lived through like all of space and time. In that trip,

565
00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:12,680
Speaker 4: I get fucked with my head. But like so I'm

566
00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:15,760
Speaker 4: like mostly convinced it is. And it's not like I'm

567
00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:17,520
Speaker 4: thinking about this all day every day.

568
00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:21,240
Speaker 1: I just like, every once in a while, well listen, yeah,

569
00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:26,120
Speaker 1: look everyonce look, well most people every once in a while,

570
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:27,920
Speaker 1: and for some people every once in a while is

571
00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:30,680
Speaker 1: about once every five years. They they do look at

572
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:34,680
Speaker 1: themselves and go, is this fucking real? I think that's

573
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:36,560
Speaker 1: just yeah, experience.

574
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:41,080
Speaker 4: I think so too. But when yeah, well when, but

575
00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:44,080
Speaker 4: it feels like ever since that happened. You know, when

576
00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:46,640
Speaker 4: you like hear a word for the first time and

577
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:49,960
Speaker 4: then you keep hearing that word. They can like, yeah, yeah,

578
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:53,920
Speaker 4: it feels like ever since then. I've just it's been

579
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 4: coming up a lot more or like some I don't know,

580
00:33:56,760 --> 00:34:01,560
Speaker 4: especially with what's kind of going on today in the world.

581
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:05,160
Speaker 4: It's just all kind of like did I is this

582
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:07,960
Speaker 4: just my brain making stuff up? But then I think,

583
00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:11,320
Speaker 4: like I'm talking to a get go on the phone,

584
00:34:11,360 --> 00:34:12,880
Speaker 4: like how could my brain make that up?

585
00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:20,960
Speaker 1: You are I'm gonna say two things. Thing. Number One,

586
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:26,120
Speaker 1: if you what's your name, Michael, Michael, If you're truly,

587
00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:34,200
Speaker 1: truly wrestling with reality in a way that is detrimental

588
00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:37,720
Speaker 1: to your mental health. You should go see a psychiatrist.

589
00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:41,399
Speaker 4: Yeah, I am, I don't. I don't think I've ever

590
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:43,480
Speaker 4: mentioned this to them, though.

591
00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:47,799
Speaker 1: You didn't, you haven't mentioned this to them?

592
00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:50,280
Speaker 4: No, I mean looking.

593
00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:53,080
Speaker 1: About it then, and mostly I.

594
00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:56,120
Speaker 4: Have like other mental problems, like with anxiety and stuff

595
00:34:56,160 --> 00:35:01,319
Speaker 4: and sometimes depressions, So I it's just't something that I'm

596
00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:05,000
Speaker 4: really focused on, like because if it's if it ends

597
00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:06,200
Speaker 4: up not being real, what am.

598
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:07,160
Speaker 5: I supposed to do about it?

599
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,120
Speaker 1: And then you know, Michael, I don't you know. I'm

600
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:11,319
Speaker 1: not going to try to coach you too much on

601
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:14,160
Speaker 1: this because you're talking to a professional and you should

602
00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:17,680
Speaker 1: continue to talk to the professional. But if you have

603
00:35:17,719 --> 00:35:22,120
Speaker 1: a history of mental illnesses, I have heard anecdotally that

604
00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:31,160
Speaker 1: uh uh LSD can heighten or awaken certain pre existing

605
00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:32,080
Speaker 1: mental illnesses.

606
00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:38,759
Speaker 4: You know, I definitely feel like that like trigger. I

607
00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:41,319
Speaker 4: mean I've always had social anxiety, but like, yeah, that

608
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:46,279
Speaker 4: definitely hypened it up a lot, like which has gotten

609
00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:49,560
Speaker 4: better and the help I'm getting is really like us

610
00:35:49,719 --> 00:35:54,520
Speaker 4: has changed my life. But if that's one thing, Teller, Yeah,

611
00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:57,800
Speaker 4: the people on the computers that like if you need help,

612
00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:00,920
Speaker 4: go get it, because there's always something you could do.

613
00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:06,719
Speaker 1: Michael Man, thank you for calling. And you know, look,

614
00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:12,960
Speaker 1: whether or not reality is real, which it is, Okay,

615
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:16,680
Speaker 1: I think I am a big gecko on the computer,

616
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:19,600
Speaker 1: so don't take my word for anything. But whether or

617
00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:23,799
Speaker 1: not it is real, I hope it is good for.

618
00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:26,480
Speaker 3: You, all Right.

619
00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:30,959
Speaker 4: I appreciate that. Yeah, I'm basically like just thinking, even

620
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:33,840
Speaker 4: if it's not real, I'm just gonna live my best life.

621
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:37,440
Speaker 1: You know, it's my experience strategy. I think that's a

622
00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:39,640
Speaker 1: good strategy. Thank you for calling, Michael.

623
00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:42,319
Speaker 4: Yeah, thank you very much. Good talking to you.

624
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:49,040
Speaker 1: Hello. Hello, Hello, Hi is this Tasha?

625
00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:49,640
Speaker 3: It is?

626
00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:54,840
Speaker 1: What's going on with you? Dude? Hey?

627
00:36:55,719 --> 00:37:01,359
Speaker 3: Oh gosh. That basically I am trying to figure out

628
00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:05,200
Speaker 3: how its to be a more honest person in life

629
00:37:05,239 --> 00:37:09,239
Speaker 3: and be more open and connect with people better. But

630
00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:15,680
Speaker 3: I'm having trouble partly because my truth or like my

631
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:19,200
Speaker 3: reality of my life is pretty fucking weird and not

632
00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:22,359
Speaker 3: something I necessarily want to share with strangers and like

633
00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:26,319
Speaker 3: associates and stuff. So I'm trying to like figure out

634
00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:28,600
Speaker 3: and I could really use some perspective on like, how

635
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:32,080
Speaker 3: are you supposed to be honest without like oversharing kind

636
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:32,319
Speaker 3: of thing.

637
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:37,879
Speaker 1: Okay, are you can I read what the call? Can

638
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:40,759
Speaker 1: I read what the call screener put down? And I

639
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:42,520
Speaker 1: don't know if this is the thing that you're trying

640
00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:44,360
Speaker 1: not to say, but you did tell the call screener it,

641
00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:47,000
Speaker 1: so I'll just I'll say it. It says here that

642
00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:54,760
Speaker 1: you moved across the country from Wisconsin because your domb

643
00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:56,200
Speaker 1: suggested that you do.

644
00:37:56,239 --> 00:38:04,120
Speaker 3: So yes, well too Wisconsin. So okay, Yeah, we met

645
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:08,719
Speaker 3: online just like gaming, and we were friends for a

646
00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:13,200
Speaker 3: long time and both into BDSM and eventually after a

647
00:38:13,239 --> 00:38:18,000
Speaker 3: couple of years ended up meeting and kind of developing

648
00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:22,719
Speaker 3: more of a actual like domb sub relationship. And he

649
00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:26,600
Speaker 3: kind of gives me a lot of great life advice

650
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:30,359
Speaker 3: that has been constructive, and you know, at one point

651
00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:32,480
Speaker 3: he suggested I can move out here because I really

652
00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:38,080
Speaker 3: like in my old life, I was very isolated, very unhappy,

653
00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:41,040
Speaker 3: working from home, didn't have any friends, didn't go out,

654
00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:45,319
Speaker 3: and like, you know, basically he was like, well, you

655
00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:47,319
Speaker 3: can come here and you know, I'll kind of, like

656
00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:50,799
Speaker 3: I don't know, be there for you and you can

657
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:53,719
Speaker 3: do X, Y and Z, like just kind of life suggestions,

658
00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:55,319
Speaker 3: not like borders like you have to move here.

659
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:59,640
Speaker 1: Sorry, I'm no, no, no, I want to get a

660
00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:02,040
Speaker 1: handle the situation. Or so you how long were you

661
00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:05,000
Speaker 1: talking about this guy before you did? Did he was

662
00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:07,560
Speaker 1: he like come move in with me? Or he's just

663
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:14,840
Speaker 1: like it's it's it's very interesting, like the the the

664
00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:23,200
Speaker 1: casual nature of everything. That's what I'm trying to hit. Well, No,

665
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:25,719
Speaker 1: I don't think I look in this big, crazy fucking world.

666
00:39:25,760 --> 00:39:27,320
Speaker 1: I don't think anything is all that weird.

667
00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:33,080
Speaker 3: I don't like we kind of want to like be

668
00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:38,040
Speaker 3: there for each other without being like, let me put

669
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:39,600
Speaker 3: it to you this way, like you can think of

670
00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:42,600
Speaker 3: it as like none of us wants to be in

671
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:50,480
Speaker 3: a really alone and like celibate, So you know, we're like,

672
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:52,000
Speaker 3: uh b.

673
00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:52,840
Speaker 2: F f w B.

674
00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:55,960
Speaker 1: I you know it's you're saying it's weird, but I

675
00:39:56,040 --> 00:40:05,560
Speaker 1: I really actually believe that, Uh, the two people who

676
00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:11,760
Speaker 1: have the exact same level of desire of commitment running

677
00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:16,400
Speaker 1: into each other and having that much commitment, it's just

678
00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:18,600
Speaker 1: as beautiful to me as you know, somebody falling in

679
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:20,760
Speaker 1: love and having ten kids and living happily ever after.

680
00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:24,920
Speaker 1: That is a beautiful thing. When two people of similar

681
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:29,560
Speaker 1: levels of desire for commitment meet each other and do

682
00:40:29,800 --> 00:40:35,080
Speaker 1: their fucking whatever thing. So glad to hear that that

683
00:40:35,160 --> 00:40:41,840
Speaker 1: seems to be working out for you. So are you, well, okay,

684
00:40:41,880 --> 00:40:43,719
Speaker 1: are you living with this guy or you just moved

685
00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:46,080
Speaker 1: to the same city as him.

686
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:49,279
Speaker 3: So I moved to a nearby city and kind of

687
00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:51,160
Speaker 3: like we talked about it a lot and kind of

688
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:54,000
Speaker 3: like gamed it out, and like, potentially we could eventually

689
00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:57,319
Speaker 3: move in together. It wouldn't be for like over a year.

690
00:40:57,360 --> 00:41:00,799
Speaker 3: Could I just find a leap? But that's kind of

691
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:04,440
Speaker 3: like we kind of agreed that you shouldn't ever move

692
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:08,640
Speaker 3: in with somebody unless you've at least been together a year.

693
00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:12,040
Speaker 3: So if we still wanted to that, you know, a

694
00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:15,160
Speaker 3: year from now, we might think about it. But that's

695
00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:17,719
Speaker 3: kind of like that's not the plan or anything. It's

696
00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:22,279
Speaker 3: more like, you know, here's nearby and we can hang

697
00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:24,840
Speaker 3: out more. I mean obviously, like we were doing a

698
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:27,600
Speaker 3: lot of visits and that sh it's expensive, but also

699
00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:29,400
Speaker 3: I just needed a place to go. I wasn't happy

700
00:41:29,400 --> 00:41:31,480
Speaker 3: in my own city.

701
00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:38,200
Speaker 1: But and like, can I hear real quick? Yeah, well,

702
00:41:38,239 --> 00:41:39,719
Speaker 1: here go ahead. What we're gonna say, was it gonna

703
00:41:39,719 --> 00:41:40,680
Speaker 1: be it should be a big deal.

704
00:41:40,719 --> 00:41:42,719
Speaker 3: I spired, shouldn't be a big deal. But like I'm

705
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:44,880
Speaker 3: I just moved here, and like I just you know,

706
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,960
Speaker 3: started a job, and like everybody I meet is like

707
00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:50,640
Speaker 3: wants to know everything about me and like what are

708
00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:51,120
Speaker 3: you doing here?

709
00:41:51,239 --> 00:41:51,799
Speaker 2: I can move here?

710
00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:54,760
Speaker 3: And it's like I feel so intimided, Like I'm happy

711
00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:57,160
Speaker 3: with my choices, but I don't know what to say

712
00:41:57,160 --> 00:42:00,200
Speaker 3: to people without being without feeling like I'm being say for.

713
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:06,160
Speaker 1: Like lying interesting, interesting. Well, it's funny because I have

714
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:08,279
Speaker 1: all the same questions for you because we have been

715
00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:11,440
Speaker 1: talking for about five minutes and I still feel like

716
00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:15,520
Speaker 1: I don't know anything about you.

717
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:19,160
Speaker 3: Right, Well, that makes two of us. I feel the

718
00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:20,040
Speaker 3: same way about.

719
00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:22,960
Speaker 1: Miss and you know what, I think that's an okay

720
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:24,840
Speaker 1: place to be. I think it's a very interesting and

721
00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:28,120
Speaker 1: wonderful place to be. Well, can I ask you, okay,

722
00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:30,200
Speaker 1: where did you move from? You moved to Wisconsin. Where'd

723
00:42:30,200 --> 00:42:34,759
Speaker 1: you go? Where'd you move from Denver? Denver? Tell me

724
00:42:35,160 --> 00:42:37,920
Speaker 1: just baseline. You don't have to get too into it,

725
00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:43,000
Speaker 1: but base baseline, what was life like for you in Denver?

726
00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:47,840
Speaker 3: Well, so I moved to Denver with my ex husband,

727
00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:56,439
Speaker 3: and so that whole scenario basically like he is still

728
00:42:56,440 --> 00:42:59,319
Speaker 3: in rehab from when we sile up two years ago,

729
00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:03,799
Speaker 3: let's put it that way, which yes, that was about

730
00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:09,719
Speaker 3: the same time that but you know, he's just he's

731
00:43:09,719 --> 00:43:14,480
Speaker 3: got substance abuse issues and our time started with a

732
00:43:14,520 --> 00:43:18,879
Speaker 3: lot of substance youth partying and that kind of thing,

733
00:43:19,400 --> 00:43:22,400
Speaker 3: and it turned into just chaos and just trying to

734
00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:24,799
Speaker 3: scrape by to survive. And then you know, when he

735
00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:28,040
Speaker 3: went into rehab and we kind of separated, just me

736
00:43:28,200 --> 00:43:32,479
Speaker 3: kind of like finding that I had become isolated, didn't

737
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:36,000
Speaker 3: really have connections except for people who are not really

738
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:40,920
Speaker 3: beneficial to my life. And then COVID hit, and you know,

739
00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:44,080
Speaker 3: became even more isolated, and that was like, oh shit,

740
00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:46,759
Speaker 3: like I don't have any support here, you know, and

741
00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:48,880
Speaker 3: I just became more and more miserable. And that was

742
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:51,439
Speaker 3: where the guy came along, and we knew each other

743
00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:53,960
Speaker 3: and he really helped me dig myself out of the hole.

744
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:56,399
Speaker 3: I don't feel like he did it. I just feel

745
00:43:56,440 --> 00:44:00,840
Speaker 3: like he helped me do it, you know, which is

746
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:05,160
Speaker 3: why I think I trust the dynamic because I don't

747
00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:07,160
Speaker 3: feel dependent on him, but I feel like he's a

748
00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:09,520
Speaker 3: really good support for me to figure this shit out

749
00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:10,040
Speaker 3: for myself.

750
00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:16,880
Speaker 1: Sure, yeah, you do have a It sounds like a a.

751
00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:21,480
Speaker 1: You did not phrase this to me as like, Oh,

752
00:44:21,560 --> 00:44:26,000
Speaker 1: I moved to Wisconsin for this guy. But I talked

753
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:28,399
Speaker 1: to this guy and he brought up moving to Wisconsin,

754
00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:30,759
Speaker 1: and I did it. And it sounds like if he

755
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:35,319
Speaker 1: disappeared tomorrow, you would be bummed, but your entire life

756
00:44:35,360 --> 00:44:36,400
Speaker 1: would not fall apart.

757
00:44:38,400 --> 00:44:40,399
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I made that. Okay, so here, I don't

758
00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:43,040
Speaker 3: know if the screen or caught this, but I made

759
00:44:43,360 --> 00:44:48,279
Speaker 3: the decision to have it be that way very intentionally

760
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:54,080
Speaker 3: because this guy is seventeen years younger than me. So yeah,

761
00:44:54,840 --> 00:44:58,440
Speaker 3: I feel like a responsibility. I know, I feel responsibility

762
00:44:58,520 --> 00:45:04,920
Speaker 3: not to like impose my like I don't know if

763
00:45:05,000 --> 00:45:07,759
Speaker 3: I let myself fall apart if things go back with him,

764
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:10,840
Speaker 3: that's compare to him, you know what I mean. I

765
00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:13,680
Speaker 3: don't want to put pressure on the relationship where he

766
00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:17,960
Speaker 3: just needs to, like, you know, have fun and be young,

767
00:45:18,080 --> 00:45:20,879
Speaker 3: drink pepsi relationships interesting.

768
00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:25,960
Speaker 1: Okay, So, so so you're now in Wisconsin, you have

769
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:32,200
Speaker 1: a job. What what's what is next for you here?

770
00:45:32,360 --> 00:45:32,600
Speaker 2: Yeah?

771
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:33,840
Speaker 1: What are you trying to build?

772
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:38,480
Speaker 3: I don't know, right, I have no fucking idea. I mean, yeah,

773
00:45:38,680 --> 00:45:42,080
Speaker 3: I don't know. And that's where I'm kind of like

774
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:46,440
Speaker 3: I keep coming to like these conclusions and epiciones from like,

775
00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:48,440
Speaker 3: you know, you know, you don't need to figure it

776
00:45:48,440 --> 00:45:51,160
Speaker 3: out out in a day, like just to move on

777
00:45:51,280 --> 00:45:54,160
Speaker 3: with your life. But part of the problem that I

778
00:45:54,160 --> 00:45:56,320
Speaker 3: had before it was being so isolated. And again, I

779
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:57,960
Speaker 3: don't want to put all the pressure on this guy.

780
00:45:58,000 --> 00:46:01,040
Speaker 3: I need like other people in my life and other

781
00:46:01,120 --> 00:46:04,200
Speaker 3: sources of support and shit, and I just don't have that.

782
00:46:04,239 --> 00:46:06,200
Speaker 3: And I kind of feel like I'm not going to

783
00:46:06,280 --> 00:46:10,080
Speaker 3: get that if I'm just like having these really superficial connections,

784
00:46:10,120 --> 00:46:13,080
Speaker 3: you know, where I like can't be even honest. But

785
00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:15,759
Speaker 3: I also feel like I don't know how do you

786
00:46:16,960 --> 00:46:19,640
Speaker 3: like even I could go into like the BDSM scene

787
00:46:19,840 --> 00:46:22,040
Speaker 3: and talk to people there, you know, but like that's

788
00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:26,960
Speaker 3: surprisingly difficult to find too, and like there's not a

789
00:46:26,960 --> 00:46:30,920
Speaker 3: lot of events in that scene right now, especially in

790
00:46:30,920 --> 00:46:31,520
Speaker 3: the Midwest.

791
00:46:32,120 --> 00:46:35,040
Speaker 1: You're looking, you're you you're looking to build a sense

792
00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:35,759
Speaker 1: of community.

793
00:46:36,360 --> 00:46:38,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm just like, I don't even know something like

794
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:42,319
Speaker 3: that tribe mm hmm.

795
00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:44,880
Speaker 1: There's a lot of different ways to do. I mean,

796
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:48,400
Speaker 1: I don't know a lot personally about the BDSM life,

797
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:51,440
Speaker 1: but it sounds like there is community out there and

798
00:46:51,560 --> 00:46:56,880
Speaker 1: that I mean, are we just dealing with like a

799
00:46:57,080 --> 00:47:00,560
Speaker 1: sort of the problem of like how do I make

800
00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:01,840
Speaker 1: friends as an adult?

801
00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:05,960
Speaker 3: I mean that's a big part of it. But like

802
00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:08,200
Speaker 3: I know, I know that is like you just got

803
00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:11,560
Speaker 3: to do ship, right, you know. Part of part of

804
00:47:11,560 --> 00:47:13,480
Speaker 3: that is like I don't have hobbies. I don't have

805
00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:17,120
Speaker 3: like I have a lot of interest that are fleeving,

806
00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:20,560
Speaker 3: but I don't have a passion or like one thing

807
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:25,560
Speaker 3: that I'm really into, which I'm okay with that. I

808
00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:27,720
Speaker 3: don't feel like I need to like manufacture something.

809
00:47:28,320 --> 00:47:31,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, but you don't. But you do seem like

810
00:47:32,280 --> 00:47:36,000
Speaker 1: I am searching here for a word of what I'm

811
00:47:36,040 --> 00:47:38,680
Speaker 1: trying to say. You seem like you have maybe it

812
00:47:38,760 --> 00:47:47,080
Speaker 1: is a curiosity or a sense of adventure, because you're

813
00:47:47,120 --> 00:47:52,600
Speaker 1: you're clearly searching, because you you left your life behind

814
00:47:52,600 --> 00:47:58,200
Speaker 1: at Denver and you went to Wisconsin in search, not

815
00:47:58,239 --> 00:48:04,920
Speaker 1: necessarily even knowing what of but just in search. And

816
00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:09,120
Speaker 1: so now you're in Wisconsin and I feel like you

817
00:48:09,239 --> 00:48:16,160
Speaker 1: have this search burning within you just keep following it, right,

818
00:48:16,800 --> 00:48:19,400
Speaker 1: like where else? What? What? What else is there to

819
00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:26,200
Speaker 1: explore where you are? Where you could find yourself somewhere interesting?

820
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:29,840
Speaker 1: Is it more into the medsm community? Is it? Do

821
00:48:29,960 --> 00:48:35,080
Speaker 1: we fucking start a band? Do we open an arts

822
00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:36,040
Speaker 1: and craft store?

823
00:48:36,200 --> 00:48:36,319
Speaker 2: Like?

824
00:48:36,400 --> 00:48:38,000
Speaker 1: What what do we do?

825
00:48:38,600 --> 00:48:38,640
Speaker 2: Is?

826
00:48:38,880 --> 00:48:41,839
Speaker 1: You're in it. You're in a very interesting position, and

827
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:46,080
Speaker 1: you have a very interesting personality for it, at least

828
00:48:46,280 --> 00:48:48,200
Speaker 1: you know. I mean I don't know you, uh, you know,

829
00:48:48,600 --> 00:48:50,480
Speaker 1: back and forth from a ten minute phone call, but

830
00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:53,520
Speaker 1: just from what you're giving off, That's what I'm feeling.

831
00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:59,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, And like I feel like the whole another part

832
00:48:59,680 --> 00:49:03,080
Speaker 3: with my previous relationship when I came out of that,

833
00:49:03,239 --> 00:49:05,520
Speaker 3: like I literally was like going through a nervous breakdown.

834
00:49:06,400 --> 00:49:10,840
Speaker 3: And I feel like ever since that relationship ended, some

835
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:14,920
Speaker 3: kind of part of who I was is like broken

836
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:18,000
Speaker 3: and like I can't get back to it. And like

837
00:49:18,120 --> 00:49:20,160
Speaker 3: I'm kind of okay with that, Like I'm not like

838
00:49:20,239 --> 00:49:22,239
Speaker 3: desperate to get that part of me back. I'm like

839
00:49:22,719 --> 00:49:25,840
Speaker 3: let it go. But like music that I used to

840
00:49:25,920 --> 00:49:28,080
Speaker 3: love have has no impact on me.

841
00:49:28,120 --> 00:49:30,480
Speaker 1: Anymore, And like what what is it? Can can I

842
00:49:30,640 --> 00:49:32,600
Speaker 1: what is this part of you? What? What would you

843
00:49:32,600 --> 00:49:33,759
Speaker 1: describe it as?

844
00:49:35,320 --> 00:49:38,160
Speaker 3: I think it was like way more idealistic and naive

845
00:49:39,840 --> 00:49:46,080
Speaker 3: and like I don't know, innocent, you know, like I

846
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:51,319
Speaker 3: used to love poetry and folk music and I don't know,

847
00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:53,959
Speaker 3: like I still can appreciate it, but I just don't

848
00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:58,000
Speaker 3: have that love for it anymore and just way more

849
00:49:58,080 --> 00:49:58,560
Speaker 3: gonna go.

850
00:49:58,560 --> 00:50:01,759
Speaker 1: Now and at this point in your life, and you

851
00:50:01,760 --> 00:50:03,200
Speaker 1: could take a second to think about it, what do

852
00:50:03,280 --> 00:50:04,000
Speaker 1: you have a love for?

853
00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:17,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, like very little, Yeah I'm very little, which I

854
00:50:17,440 --> 00:50:21,120
Speaker 3: don't know, and like stuff like I used to have

855
00:50:21,160 --> 00:50:23,600
Speaker 3: all these places I wanted to travel and now or

856
00:50:23,640 --> 00:50:25,800
Speaker 3: even like where I would want to move Like it

857
00:50:26,120 --> 00:50:29,600
Speaker 3: was very much like if anybody had come along and

858
00:50:29,600 --> 00:50:31,239
Speaker 3: them like, oh, you shouldn't move here because that's Y

859
00:50:31,280 --> 00:50:34,640
Speaker 3: and Z, I'd be like, aren't fine, you know, because

860
00:50:34,760 --> 00:50:38,080
Speaker 3: like I just don't have any like full this song

861
00:50:38,200 --> 00:50:40,719
Speaker 3: pul to with anything, and like maybe I just need

862
00:50:40,719 --> 00:50:45,319
Speaker 3: to bump around for a while to like go where

863
00:50:45,320 --> 00:50:46,759
Speaker 3: the winds may take me.

864
00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:52,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, I guess I don't know. You're in a very

865
00:50:52,520 --> 00:50:55,960
Speaker 1: interesting situation. This has been. This made me think a

866
00:50:56,000 --> 00:51:02,319
Speaker 1: lot here. I guess as long as you don't stop searching,

867
00:51:03,120 --> 00:51:08,160
Speaker 1: the potential every day exists for you. To find that

868
00:51:08,280 --> 00:51:12,120
Speaker 1: thing that you know, Like you said, you're not going

869
00:51:12,160 --> 00:51:14,520
Speaker 1: to return to the part of you that you lost

870
00:51:14,600 --> 00:51:20,839
Speaker 1: that loved this this you know poetry and and had

871
00:51:20,880 --> 00:51:25,319
Speaker 1: what you described as a naivety and you probably shouldn't, right.

872
00:51:25,400 --> 00:51:29,759
Speaker 1: I mean, you're growing forward, not backward. So hopefully if

873
00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:32,520
Speaker 1: you keep the search up, you'll find a new part

874
00:51:32,560 --> 00:51:36,799
Speaker 1: of yourself. And the challenge is just going to be

875
00:51:37,760 --> 00:51:41,520
Speaker 1: keeping the search up, even on days where you don't

876
00:51:41,520 --> 00:51:44,600
Speaker 1: want to or where it seems like you are not

877
00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:48,879
Speaker 1: going to get anywhere. Just keeping it up always keeps,

878
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:52,319
Speaker 1: you know, the potential energy in play. You can ask

879
00:51:52,320 --> 00:51:52,720
Speaker 1: me anything.

880
00:51:52,719 --> 00:51:55,960
Speaker 3: I'm not trying to be argument and no, please, I'm

881
00:51:56,040 --> 00:51:58,759
Speaker 3: very like I'm a very Devil's advocate type person, but

882
00:51:58,880 --> 00:52:05,000
Speaker 3: like this is like a genuine reactioning question is like sure, so,

883
00:52:06,840 --> 00:52:09,160
Speaker 3: oh my god, I already forgot about some So basically

884
00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:15,920
Speaker 3: like how do I like continue this like attempt to

885
00:52:15,920 --> 00:52:18,120
Speaker 3: be like honest and open with people and like not

886
00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:23,279
Speaker 3: close off without feeling like, well, you can't say this,

887
00:52:23,440 --> 00:52:25,640
Speaker 3: you can't say that, Like I feel like almost everything

888
00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:29,560
Speaker 3: about my life is like controversial or like just too weird,

889
00:52:29,719 --> 00:52:32,760
Speaker 3: like people have a hard time or it just invites

890
00:52:32,840 --> 00:52:34,759
Speaker 3: more questions and I don't want I don't know, It's

891
00:52:34,800 --> 00:52:37,360
Speaker 3: like I don't want people to focus on like how

892
00:52:37,560 --> 00:52:40,040
Speaker 3: weird my past is or how like buffed up my

893
00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:42,239
Speaker 3: past is. Like I don't you know, I don't want

894
00:52:42,280 --> 00:52:44,000
Speaker 3: to dwell on it. I just really want to move

895
00:52:44,040 --> 00:52:47,560
Speaker 3: on and like find the next positive stuff. But like

896
00:52:48,760 --> 00:52:51,160
Speaker 3: I don't know, I don't want to like shut them

897
00:52:51,200 --> 00:52:52,919
Speaker 3: down either, you know what I mean? Like I don't

898
00:52:52,920 --> 00:52:53,960
Speaker 3: know how to find that balance.

899
00:52:54,280 --> 00:52:56,799
Speaker 1: Why do you have Why do you have to talk

900
00:52:56,840 --> 00:52:57,880
Speaker 1: to people about your past?

901
00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:03,600
Speaker 3: Well, it's not it's really just like when I'm so,

902
00:53:03,680 --> 00:53:06,440
Speaker 3: I find myself in so many situations, whether it be

903
00:53:06,560 --> 00:53:10,439
Speaker 3: like getting a haircut or like starting my new job

904
00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:16,759
Speaker 3: or out, and everybody wants to like grill you, Yeah,

905
00:53:17,239 --> 00:53:19,280
Speaker 3: not grill you, but just ask a lot of questions,

906
00:53:19,280 --> 00:53:23,160
Speaker 3: and like especially when your answers are kind of intriguing. Yeah,

907
00:53:24,520 --> 00:53:27,120
Speaker 3: it's like, uh like at some point, I just like

908
00:53:28,960 --> 00:53:30,719
Speaker 3: I don't even know what to say, or I don't

909
00:53:30,719 --> 00:53:34,480
Speaker 3: want to open a can of worms, you know, sure

910
00:53:34,239 --> 00:53:36,920
Speaker 3: sure like if I it would be radically honest, that

911
00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:42,400
Speaker 3: would go badly, especially in like some situations with people

912
00:53:42,440 --> 00:53:42,920
Speaker 3: like I just.

913
00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:47,239
Speaker 1: You think, can I can I can I ask you

914
00:53:47,280 --> 00:53:52,360
Speaker 1: a question? You say that being radically honest would go badly,

915
00:53:55,920 --> 00:53:57,840
Speaker 1: And you know, I don't want to be a hypocrite

916
00:53:57,880 --> 00:54:01,000
Speaker 1: here because I have a desire sometimes to be radically

917
00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:03,640
Speaker 1: honest and I don't do it. But do you do

918
00:54:03,680 --> 00:54:09,200
Speaker 1: you have a desire within you to relinquish everything and

919
00:54:09,280 --> 00:54:10,400
Speaker 1: just be radically honest.

920
00:54:11,880 --> 00:54:14,560
Speaker 3: I think, oh, yeah, for sure, because I think I

921
00:54:14,600 --> 00:54:17,919
Speaker 3: hate the fact that people always say, like give lip

922
00:54:17,960 --> 00:54:21,319
Speaker 3: service to this idea like be yourself or you know,

923
00:54:21,560 --> 00:54:25,120
Speaker 3: honesty and openness is so important, but like in reality,

924
00:54:25,840 --> 00:54:28,280
Speaker 3: people don't want to know a lot of the details

925
00:54:28,320 --> 00:54:31,200
Speaker 3: are like people have this more bid curiosity, more so

926
00:54:31,320 --> 00:54:36,359
Speaker 3: than the natural interest, right, And so I think that's

927
00:54:36,400 --> 00:54:39,200
Speaker 3: what puts me off, is that curiosity which is not.

928
00:54:40,400 --> 00:54:43,040
Speaker 1: And I and I I think I think that's you

929
00:54:43,080 --> 00:54:45,400
Speaker 1: know what, you know what, And I don't want to

930
00:54:45,440 --> 00:54:46,919
Speaker 1: be I don't want to be a hypocrite here because

931
00:54:46,960 --> 00:54:53,040
Speaker 1: I'm I'm almost talking to myself. But like, you're a

932
00:54:53,280 --> 00:54:59,200
Speaker 1: hundred thousand percent correct that you probably have things about

933
00:54:59,200 --> 00:55:04,480
Speaker 1: your life that and thoughts and feelings that if you

934
00:55:04,520 --> 00:55:08,160
Speaker 1: were one hundred percent honest about you're probably right that

935
00:55:09,640 --> 00:55:13,840
Speaker 1: there are a lot of people, maybe even most people

936
00:55:14,760 --> 00:55:21,520
Speaker 1: would react to them strangely or negatively or uncomfortably. But

937
00:55:22,800 --> 00:55:28,040
Speaker 1: along with that, you have a much, much, much much

938
00:55:28,120 --> 00:55:36,160
Speaker 1: higher chance of opening yourself up to people who find

939
00:55:36,880 --> 00:55:41,000
Speaker 1: who agree with those ideas and are like, fuck, I've

940
00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:45,080
Speaker 1: been waiting for a person like this to come along

941
00:55:45,160 --> 00:55:49,680
Speaker 1: into my life because everyone else, you know, people admire

942
00:55:49,719 --> 00:55:53,800
Speaker 1: you because they were so scared themselves to be open

943
00:55:53,920 --> 00:55:57,720
Speaker 1: like that, and you attract those people. And attracting those people,

944
00:55:58,120 --> 00:56:01,400
Speaker 1: I'm a fucking hypocrite saying this, but attracting those people

945
00:56:01,680 --> 00:56:07,399
Speaker 1: is worth putting off people who think that your shit

946
00:56:07,560 --> 00:56:09,359
Speaker 1: is weird.

947
00:56:10,840 --> 00:56:13,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of, And I just got

948
00:56:13,600 --> 00:56:16,360
Speaker 3: to like, I don't know, I just gotta like meditate

949
00:56:16,440 --> 00:56:18,440
Speaker 3: on that. Just stop scaring at Gissa.

950
00:56:19,239 --> 00:56:24,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, Tasha, thanks for having this conversation. This was

951
00:56:24,800 --> 00:56:31,959
Speaker 1: very interesting, and I again I've said this five times,

952
00:56:31,960 --> 00:56:33,200
Speaker 1: I feel like I have a good telling you this

953
00:56:33,239 --> 00:56:35,680
Speaker 1: because I myself and I'm sure a lot of people

954
00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:38,080
Speaker 1: listening to this could be doing a better job of

955
00:56:38,120 --> 00:56:42,560
Speaker 1: this scary thing. But I hope you have the courage to,

956
00:56:43,800 --> 00:56:46,520
Speaker 1: you know, be more out there moving forward, and I

957
00:56:46,560 --> 00:56:49,520
Speaker 1: hope that if you do it lands you somewhere interesting

958
00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:51,600
Speaker 1: or somewhere that at least you never thought you'd get to.

959
00:56:53,760 --> 00:56:55,239
Speaker 3: Thank you. I appreciate you.

960
00:56:56,360 --> 00:57:01,160
Speaker 1: Thanks for calling Tashai. Hey what's up? Man?

961
00:57:02,520 --> 00:57:02,759
Speaker 2: Hey?

962
00:57:04,160 --> 00:57:04,799
Speaker 1: What's going on?

963
00:57:06,280 --> 00:57:09,719
Speaker 5: This is awesome. I'm like really high to like talk

964
00:57:09,760 --> 00:57:09,960
Speaker 5: to you.

965
00:57:10,960 --> 00:57:15,480
Speaker 1: Oh anything, what's going on with you?

966
00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:23,760
Speaker 5: I'm just relaxing. I'm like playing some video games, watching.

967
00:57:23,480 --> 00:57:29,880
Speaker 1: You what kind of video games.

968
00:57:31,520 --> 00:57:36,160
Speaker 5: I've been back into Battlefield one because it's like, I

969
00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:37,760
Speaker 5: don't know, it's one of the shooters I got like

970
00:57:37,800 --> 00:57:40,760
Speaker 5: really into when it came out, so it's kind of nostalgic.

971
00:57:42,760 --> 00:57:44,840
Speaker 1: Ethan, is anything in particular you wanted to talk about today?

972
00:57:47,520 --> 00:57:48,400
Speaker 3: Ah?

973
00:57:48,720 --> 00:57:51,680
Speaker 5: So I'm in Alabama, so we can talk about the

974
00:57:51,720 --> 00:57:55,840
Speaker 5: Alabama thing. Or I recently went to Colorado and I

975
00:57:55,880 --> 00:57:59,600
Speaker 5: had this really really good pizza and none of the

976
00:57:59,640 --> 00:58:01,880
Speaker 5: pizza I've had can like compare to it, so it

977
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:03,520
Speaker 5: kind of ruined all the pizza for me.

978
00:58:06,960 --> 00:58:08,080
Speaker 1: How good was this pizza?

979
00:58:10,800 --> 00:58:15,680
Speaker 5: It was the bread like it's just like melts, you know.

980
00:58:17,840 --> 00:58:23,760
Speaker 1: And after having this pizza, what has other pizza tasted

981
00:58:23,800 --> 00:58:24,160
Speaker 1: like for you?

982
00:58:27,200 --> 00:58:29,360
Speaker 5: I mean, I went to like my favorite pizza place

983
00:58:29,360 --> 00:58:32,360
Speaker 5: in town when I got back, and I'm a big

984
00:58:32,480 --> 00:58:35,560
Speaker 5: like sauce guy, so like I really like like the

985
00:58:36,040 --> 00:58:41,080
Speaker 5: red sauce and it just like wasn't as good.

986
00:58:43,640 --> 00:58:44,800
Speaker 1: How does that make you feel?

987
00:58:47,200 --> 00:58:49,560
Speaker 5: I'm worried because I had this really good pizza and

988
00:58:49,640 --> 00:58:52,560
Speaker 5: now it's like, do I not like the pizzas in

989
00:58:52,640 --> 00:58:53,600
Speaker 5: my town anymore?

990
00:58:56,520 --> 00:58:57,920
Speaker 1: Do you feel a little bit of depression?

991
00:59:01,160 --> 00:59:03,920
Speaker 5: It's like I lost one of my greatest choices, you

992
00:59:03,960 --> 00:59:06,480
Speaker 5: know what I mean. But like I'm I'm not like

993
00:59:06,960 --> 00:59:09,160
Speaker 5: out of hope, like there's gonna be a pizza.

994
00:59:14,600 --> 00:59:17,960
Speaker 1: This is interesting. This is like a hedonic treadmill thing. Like,

995
00:59:18,080 --> 00:59:21,960
Speaker 1: now that you've had such great pizza, all the other

996
00:59:22,000 --> 00:59:31,080
Speaker 1: pizzas don't compare. So tell me this, m Do you

997
00:59:31,120 --> 00:59:36,320
Speaker 1: think you've learned anything from this experience about aiming too

998
00:59:36,360 --> 00:59:37,320
Speaker 1: close to the top.

999
00:59:41,320 --> 00:59:43,760
Speaker 5: I mean, it wasn't like intentional, So it's not like

1000
00:59:43,840 --> 00:59:48,680
Speaker 5: I'm like like getchorus like flying towards the sun. It's

1001
00:59:48,760 --> 00:59:50,560
Speaker 5: like not one of those. It's like this pizza just

1002
00:59:50,640 --> 00:59:52,080
Speaker 5: kind of got dropped in front of me.

1003
00:59:55,120 --> 00:59:57,600
Speaker 1: Well, okay, so you had this experience, but has this

1004
00:59:57,880 --> 01:00:01,280
Speaker 1: has this led you to any other their epiphanies about life.

1005
01:00:01,280 --> 01:00:02,840
Speaker 1: I mean, this is a this is a whole thing

1006
01:00:02,880 --> 01:00:09,680
Speaker 1: here that you're dealing with. You now know the dangers

1007
01:00:09,720 --> 01:00:16,640
Speaker 1: of reaching too high to the top shelf instead of

1008
01:00:16,760 --> 01:00:18,120
Speaker 1: enjoying what is in front of you.

1009
01:00:23,160 --> 01:00:25,360
Speaker 5: Yeah, I guess you're right.

1010
01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:30,360
Speaker 1: Do you think that this has prevented you from possibly,

1011
01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:36,040
Speaker 1: in the future going after new experiences and in the

1012
01:00:36,080 --> 01:00:41,160
Speaker 1: fear that they will ruin your current life experiences?

1013
01:00:44,560 --> 01:00:46,880
Speaker 5: Don't do that. There's no way.

1014
01:00:48,000 --> 01:00:48,600
Speaker 1: There's no way.

1015
01:00:50,440 --> 01:00:53,160
Speaker 5: I mean, you gotta like go for like the good stuff,

1016
01:00:53,400 --> 01:00:56,000
Speaker 5: you know, Like you gotta like, I don't know, I've

1017
01:00:56,040 --> 01:00:59,280
Speaker 5: had a bad acid trip before, so it's like kind

1018
01:00:59,280 --> 01:01:02,760
Speaker 5: of like that feeling one, but like that wore off

1019
01:01:03,200 --> 01:01:05,840
Speaker 5: over time. So like I feel like the pizza thing

1020
01:01:05,920 --> 01:01:07,320
Speaker 5: is gonna wear off over time too.

1021
01:01:11,400 --> 01:01:12,360
Speaker 1: You think it'll wear off.

1022
01:01:14,800 --> 01:01:17,560
Speaker 5: Yeah, Like it's I'm gonna like roll back down and

1023
01:01:17,640 --> 01:01:20,160
Speaker 5: then my standard is gonna be low again, and then

1024
01:01:20,200 --> 01:01:22,960
Speaker 5: I'm gonna eat the pizza from around here again and

1025
01:01:23,000 --> 01:01:25,240
Speaker 5: it's gonna be like good again.

1026
01:01:28,200 --> 01:01:33,439
Speaker 1: MM. So you think that eventually this will pay off

1027
01:01:35,360 --> 01:01:38,120
Speaker 1: and you will be able to yeah, agotiate the local again.

1028
01:01:39,880 --> 01:01:42,120
Speaker 5: Yeah, like a time heals all wound situation.

1029
01:01:43,200 --> 01:01:43,360
Speaker 2: Mm.

1030
01:01:43,400 --> 01:01:49,520
Speaker 1: Hmmm mmmm, well, Ethan that I'm I'm rooting for you, man.

1031
01:01:50,160 --> 01:01:55,160
Speaker 1: I hope that, I hope that eventually you are able

1032
01:01:55,240 --> 01:02:00,160
Speaker 1: to return to your appreciation for that which is in

1033
01:02:00,160 --> 01:02:04,840
Speaker 1: front of you and not be constantly thinking about when

1034
01:02:04,880 --> 01:02:07,280
Speaker 1: you had the best.

1035
01:02:09,640 --> 01:02:10,240
Speaker 5: Thank you get.

1036
01:02:11,920 --> 01:02:13,200
Speaker 1: Is there anything else you want to say to the

1037
01:02:13,200 --> 01:02:14,640
Speaker 1: people of the computer before we go.

1038
01:02:19,320 --> 01:02:22,080
Speaker 5: No, I just hope everybody's having a good time. Be

1039
01:02:22,160 --> 01:02:26,080
Speaker 5: careful if you ever get like pizza from outside your

1040
01:02:26,080 --> 01:02:27,000
Speaker 5: home area.

1041
01:02:34,600 --> 01:02:38,960
Speaker 1: Thank you for calling it, Thank you good Ethan eas

1042
01:02:39,040 --> 01:02:49,400
Speaker 1: and Ethan Ethan. Ethan goes on the line, thinking, your

1043
01:02:49,480 --> 01:02:49,800
Speaker 1: phone

1044
01:02:49,840 --> 01:02:51,439
Speaker 2: Calls every night, every