Speaker 1: The Nikki Gliser Podcast.
Speaker 2: Nikki Glaser.
Speaker 1: Here's Nikki. Hello here, I am welcome to the show.
Speaker 1: It's Nicky Gleiser Podcast. It is Thursday. It is Wednesday
Speaker 1: where we are. But yes, it's a happy Halloween to.
Speaker 2: Every Happy Halloween, everybody.
Speaker 1: Halloween. Do you guys have Halloween thoughts?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Dressed up like NICKI Nick, He's dressed up like me,
Speaker 2: and Annie's dressed up like Noah.
Speaker 1: Are you guys doing anything for Halloween?
Speaker 3: Absolutely not tidy.
Speaker 1: But you have a house though, so kids might be
Speaker 1: coming through.
Speaker 3: They might, but we don't want to see children, so
Speaker 3: we just are going to go in the basement.
Speaker 2: I think you're dead.
Speaker 3: I kind of want to give them stuff, but Matt
Speaker 3: is a little bit of a curmudgeon or just like
Speaker 3: he doesn't want to deal with it.
Speaker 2: Well, whatever you do, don't leave out a candy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and say take it at take one and yeah, wow.
Speaker 3: Commitment to like two hours of your night, right.
Speaker 1: Yeah, answering the door. And but it's like, I think
Speaker 1: it's cute. I've never lived in a house and gotten
Speaker 1: to do it.
Speaker 3: But I think I would be freaked out.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that'll be too stressed out for the dog. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the dog is gonna go nuts. Just turn off that
Speaker 1: porch light nextly, for sure?
Speaker 2: For sure?
Speaker 1: Do you think it could take one?
Speaker 2: Please? People? Really? Is it? Is it like a husband
Speaker 2: whose wife was like, you gotta put out some candy
Speaker 2: if we're gonna go on this trip and then he
Speaker 2: goes fine? Or is it like some innocent, naive woman
Speaker 2: or man who's like, they're gonna just take one.
Speaker 1: I will say that most people do take I think
Speaker 1: take one or two. I don't think anyone takes all
Speaker 1: of it. I mean, I'm sure, yes, I do believe
Speaker 1: that they take all of it.
Speaker 2: They take the little if you're with little if early
Speaker 2: on at like the three o'clock hour, the fourth like hour,
Speaker 2: the little kids will just like take one with their parents.
Speaker 2: But as soon as the middle schoolers come out, that
Speaker 2: whole bull is gone in.
Speaker 1: I gotta say, when I was handing out candy at
Speaker 1: my sister's house a couple of years ago, I was
Speaker 1: horrified by how kids don't say thank you. And I'm
Speaker 1: not one of those people that's like say thank you,
Speaker 1: like I don't really care about that stuff generally when
Speaker 1: I'm dealing with kids, But just these kids snatching it
Speaker 1: and then walking away in there and their parents are
Speaker 1: standing right there like say thank you, Like what happened
Speaker 1: to that? Like that was just drilled into me as
Speaker 1: a kid. You say please and thank you, and it's
Speaker 1: like these kids and their parents just come on. It's
Speaker 1: like you just watch your kids be so rude and
Speaker 1: just grab candy with I just I was like I
Speaker 1: couldn't believe. I was like, this next generation is fucked.
Speaker 1: There's like no like courtesy the innet.
Speaker 3: There's this guy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't say thank you, you say fuck you
Speaker 1: on the internet. You're so right.
Speaker 3: There's this guy in our town that he used to
Speaker 3: walk his dog without a leash, which drove Matt crazy,
Speaker 3: and every time he would go for a walk, inevitably
Speaker 3: he would come home and be like I fucking saw
Speaker 3: that guy again, and we like almost had a fight.
Speaker 3: And finally I'm like, just avoid this guy, forget this guy.
Speaker 3: And then the guy eventually, I'm sure enough people in
Speaker 3: town talk to him about like you've got to have
Speaker 3: your huge dog on a leash, and because he'd be
Speaker 3: like in England, they don't need they don't have dogs
Speaker 3: on leashes, and everybody do. He like well, you're in
Speaker 3: New York. So on Halloween a couple of years ago,
Speaker 3: I was like, Matt, let's just be cool and open
Speaker 3: our house up to kids and give them candy. So
Speaker 3: we did, and this little girl came up and she.
Speaker 1: Was the daughter of the guy. And there he was
Speaker 1: with his.
Speaker 3: Dog reluctantly on a leash and his little kid. And
Speaker 3: then the little kid is like four, and she goes
Speaker 3: because our dog starts barking. She goes, why is your
Speaker 3: dog not trained? And I could just see in the
Speaker 3: living room, like god this And I was like, cause
Speaker 3: she's crazy. And Matt's like, no, she's not.
Speaker 1: She's hot, she's got a great body, and she's perfect
Speaker 1: way she is.
Speaker 2: And you should have turned to the parents and said,
Speaker 2: why is your daughter not trained?
Speaker 3: I know where were you, Bran, I needed you.
Speaker 2: I was probably in your basement.
Speaker 1: Oh God, kids can just cut right to the core.
Speaker 2: Yeah, little rats. Kids shouldn't be allowed to leave their house.
Speaker 2: I think, like, I don't think kids should be allowed
Speaker 2: on planes. I don't think kids should be allowed at hotels.
Speaker 2: At what age you need, like a funeral, you need
Speaker 2: to be going to a funeral in order to allow
Speaker 2: a kid kids to go to funerals.
Speaker 1: No, it's not to say goodbye. They don't understand death, yet,
Speaker 1: let's not bring them.
Speaker 2: The kids should go from home to school, to school
Speaker 2: to after school activities and back home.
Speaker 1: I really am irritated with kids in first class, though,
Speaker 1: I think that is it happens.
Speaker 3: I need my child.
Speaker 1: Where each kid, each three year old, has their and
Speaker 1: because they have those, I don't get bumped up because
Speaker 1: it's all about availability. That means they bought that. It
Speaker 1: means the kids have the status, which there's no way
Speaker 1: they do. But then they they spent nine thousand dollars
Speaker 1: on that fucking flight, like because the first class ticket
Speaker 1: is just so insanely over tiny.
Speaker 2: They don't need even more space, they need even less space.
Speaker 1: But then are you to be in the coach with them?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 4: Okay, So I was wondering if you're advocating for the
Speaker 4: parents to be in first class and kids to be
Speaker 4: someone else's problem and coach.
Speaker 1: I also think kids should be traveling.
Speaker 2: Are they flying? Where are they going?
Speaker 1: I think like five? Sure, but no, I think mine
Speaker 1: is babies. I just think toddler to babies, So I
Speaker 1: guess three and below. I don't think should add any
Speaker 1: reason to travel literally, ever, they're not getting a surgery
Speaker 1: that can only be done in a certain state or something. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they have like an operation, But I don't think. I mean,
Speaker 1: I just don't think. And I know it's like, but
Speaker 1: Grandma needs to see them. I've said this before, No
Speaker 1: she doesn't. Then she said she needs to travel or
Speaker 1: And I also think old people. I'm tired of seeing
Speaker 1: old people being like whisked across the country and like
Speaker 1: so uncomfortable and not even knowing where they are and
Speaker 1: like having someone just drag them. I'm like, do they
Speaker 1: really want to be doing this? And I know, I
Speaker 1: know elderly people still want to feel part of the
Speaker 1: world and want to be able to travel absolutely if
Speaker 1: they want to. But I just feel like a lot
Speaker 1: of it is like you gotta go to, you know,
Speaker 1: Ariol's wedding, and it's just like you have to, like
Speaker 1: you're just whisky. You're making these old people travel for
Speaker 1: a wedding of someone that they wouldn't even recognize that
Speaker 1: they ran into them a ntry.
Speaker 3: Zoom in, zoom into the web, zoom in.
Speaker 1: But yeah, kids don't need to be going to weddings.
Speaker 1: Kids don't need to go see grandma who lives States over,
Speaker 1: Like it's just then I mean maybe but then drive maybe.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I would probably fly with kid if
Speaker 1: I had.
Speaker 2: When you were a kid, think about you going on
Speaker 2: trips and stuff like that. How many times are you
Speaker 2: with your parents and they're like remember and you're like,
Speaker 2: I've never been to the Grand Canyon? Then go, yes,
Speaker 2: you were, you were there when you were three? Says
Speaker 2: you don't remember shit until.
Speaker 1: When you're like Ney Pargatia has a great joke about
Speaker 1: that where he's like, what am I supposed to just
Speaker 1: put throw my daughter in a closet and lock her
Speaker 1: in there until yeah, and starts having memories. Yeah, could
Speaker 1: have what shouldn't do? Yeah?
Speaker 4: I do.
Speaker 1: I just do think that people are selfishly bring their
Speaker 1: kids and their grandma grandparents when it's like they want that,
Speaker 1: but they don't understand like that the kid doesn't really
Speaker 1: need that, or the grandparent they're going to see doesn't
Speaker 1: really need that either, and it's like all for them.
Speaker 2: More So, here's another thing. This is legit. This is legit.
Speaker 2: You might even agree with this in a non joking way.
Speaker 2: You're at a hotel I do not think kids should
Speaker 2: be allowed in the hot tub.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, they're not supposed to.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be basically a hot tub either.
Speaker 1: Well okay, well I like it should be allowed at
Speaker 1: the gym, and they're not supposed to be the start working.
Speaker 2: Until you're.
Speaker 3: Nikki at a casino and there were four fucking children
Speaker 3: running around the gym on the elliptical like they were
Speaker 3: like joking around and their parents were just like there
Speaker 3: and I'm like, this is get them out of here.
Speaker 3: This is a distress to playground.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I would have loved a gym when
Speaker 1: I was a little girl, Like I loved like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, this thing, Like this thing moves and I
Speaker 1: get to run on it and I don't go anywhere
Speaker 1: like like Jim. Equipment is so fascinating. It was all
Speaker 1: I wanted was one of those. I asked for it
Speaker 1: for Christmas and I got one. My mom found out
Speaker 1: at a good will the things that you put your like
Speaker 1: you would go like this back and then your legs
Speaker 1: would move like a ski not an orderic track, because
Speaker 1: those would go like like this is more like swooping. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: lift those more like more like you're running. These are
Speaker 1: non existent now, but they were everywhere in nineteen ninety
Speaker 1: nine to two thousand and two, and they would your
Speaker 1: arms would go back like they It looked fun and
Speaker 1: it was fun for literally twenty seconds, and then I
Speaker 1: didn't use it ever again, but we did get one,
Speaker 1: and yeah, Jim, equipment can be really fun for kids.
Speaker 3: Where did you guys go on family trips?
Speaker 1: Skiing Park City, Michigan.
Speaker 3: That was where you engaged with your family, engaged like family?
Speaker 3: Do you were you participating?
Speaker 1: What does that? I mean? Yeah, we would do stuff
Speaker 1: like my I have a really fun dad, so like I,
Speaker 1: there would always be activities. There always be something to do.
Speaker 1: There would always be we're gonna go take the jet
Speaker 1: ski out. We're gonna go get rent a boat. We're
Speaker 1: gonna go to the sand dunes, we're gonna go skiing,
Speaker 1: we're gonna take skiing lessons. But then we're gonna go
Speaker 1: do this and we're gonna go to this park. Like
Speaker 1: there was never a dull moment in my childhood. I
Speaker 1: had the most amazing childhood because I have a dad
Speaker 1: who is like loves to play, which is I was
Speaker 1: talking to Khaki this weekend Chris's sister about whether we
Speaker 1: would have kids, and I said, I think Chris would
Speaker 1: be a great dad. I just he only has a
Speaker 1: certain amount of energy and he would probably put it
Speaker 1: all into the kids, and then I would resent that
Speaker 1: because I want him to put it into me. And
Speaker 1: I know he'd be he'd be the kind of fun
Speaker 1: dad that I would need, because I'm not gonna be
Speaker 1: a fun mom like I I would be like my mom,
Speaker 1: my mom justly be like that's a pretty picture, but
Speaker 1: she wouldn't like get on the floor with us and play,
Speaker 1: and that was just the I would be. I just
Speaker 1: don't want to play, and I would I always said
Speaker 1: if I had kids, I wouldn't want a husband who's like, like,
Speaker 1: can't wait to play with kids, can't wait to make
Speaker 1: up games and play tag, and like is really engaging
Speaker 1: that stuff? And Chris is, But I want that. I
Speaker 1: want him to play with me. I would be like
Speaker 1: annoyed that it was going to somewhere else, and we
Speaker 1: only have so much energy the older we get, and
Speaker 1: so I was just like Kaki, it's just not gonna
Speaker 1: happen for us. But I had no I was definitely
Speaker 1: engaged constantly in family trips all the time.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that makes sense. You guys had a fun fam
Speaker 3: I just I was until I was a teenager. And
Speaker 3: then I just remember like reading Flowers in the attic
Speaker 3: and staring out the window on the trip to they
Speaker 3: were driving from like France through France to Spain, and like,
Speaker 3: why are you reading that book? And I couldn't tell
Speaker 3: my mom, like cause the brother and sister are owning well.
Speaker 1: In high school, I got I definitely. There's a picture
Speaker 1: of me staring into the Seine River on a trip
Speaker 1: to Paris and I'm crossing my arm and I have
Speaker 1: posterior pelvic tilt going on like crazy. My torso was
Speaker 1: scooped under and I'm looking despondently into the sin River
Speaker 1: and I look so depressed, and I was. That was
Speaker 1: like when my depression really started in high school, and
Speaker 1: it was mine as well in France, and I was
Speaker 1: so mad we had to go because I was obsessed
Speaker 1: with my friends and I just wanted to be around
Speaker 1: my friends in Kirkwood. I did not want to go
Speaker 1: anywhere in high school that my friends weren't and I
Speaker 1: would just like long for them and listen to Matchbox
Speaker 1: for many songs and like dream about my friends, like I
Speaker 1: was so gay for my girlfriends. I was literally gay,
Speaker 1: Like I'm not even saying gay as in like I
Speaker 1: was literally probably romantically in love with my girlfriends in
Speaker 1: high school because I didn't have anwhere else to put
Speaker 1: that kind of energy, because I didn't have soil.
Speaker 4: It's actually very common for teenage girls to be with
Speaker 4: their gaggle of girlfriends. Like you always find teenage girls
Speaker 4: in the bathroom with all their friends just talking, gossiping.
Speaker 4: That's a very normal, hormonal thing that happens to teenage girls.
Speaker 1: Loved, loved, loved my friends so much, and I just
Speaker 1: remember fantasizing about like like listening to Matt Twoswnian literally
Speaker 1: like daydreaming about hanging out with them while I was
Speaker 1: in France for like four days until I would see
Speaker 1: them again, and I was like longing for them like
Speaker 1: I was out war because I had to go on
Speaker 1: a fucking trip with my family and go tour cathedrals,
Speaker 1: which by the way, I'm still bored by. Still that's
Speaker 1: still a part of my my core belief is that
Speaker 1: I'm not interested in seeing things just because you're supposed
Speaker 1: to see them, or because they're really old, or because
Speaker 1: that's what you do when you go there. I still
Speaker 1: don't believe in that, but yeah, I do realize. I
Speaker 1: was so lucky to have a dad that was like
Speaker 1: so playful and like I was, you know, when you're
Speaker 1: a kid. Someone had a great bit about it. I
Speaker 1: was so jealous of this bit. But like when you're
Speaker 1: a kid, all you want to do is you're like,
Speaker 1: I have to go in to eat. I don't want to.
Speaker 1: We want to keep playing. Or I have to go
Speaker 1: to sleep. No, and like, now that's all I want
Speaker 1: to do. I don't want to do anything except those
Speaker 1: two things. And they used to be the fucking bane
Speaker 1: of my existence. And I that's was that Joe. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think I've quoted it before, but it still stays
Speaker 1: with me. It's like, that is the truest thing I've
Speaker 1: ever heard in my life.
Speaker 3: And how ironic all we want to do is eat
Speaker 3: and sleep. Now it's true. I think about that in
Speaker 3: the middle of a set, like when is my dinner?
Speaker 1: I can't wait to EAT's all I think about? Soup?
Speaker 1: I just want to, but it's not good if it's
Speaker 1: not hot. Are you eating tumglass soup? Not hot anya
Speaker 1: because when we get out of food, there's no way
Speaker 1: it's still hot.
Speaker 3: That's true. Well if some places they'll like make it
Speaker 3: like bionically hot, and then it's like and then.
Speaker 1: You're eating the plastic that it was. Yeah, oh god,
Speaker 1: I am like, if it's too hot, that's burning the plastic.
Speaker 2: I pour the soup out and just eat the plastic.
Speaker 3: I got a bad batch of summer rolls last weekend.
Speaker 3: I'm still mad about it though.
Speaker 1: Most summer rolls are disgusting. They're mostly horrific and poorly made.
Speaker 1: And all they have in it is lettuce and like
Speaker 1: one other thing and like a bean sprout, and they
Speaker 1: were just like an abomination, or they were just made
Speaker 1: because summer us are so trendy that they always run out,
Speaker 1: so they have to make new ones. So when you
Speaker 1: get them, they're hot and they're supposed to be still,
Speaker 1: they're supposed to be.
Speaker 4: Hate when they're warm.
Speaker 1: Discussing it's like biting into a lump dick. No olymptic olympic.
Speaker 1: But I know, uh, sushi, it's my obsession right now.
Speaker 1: Everyone knows it. I can't eat I can't go a
Speaker 1: day without eating it. I hate warm sushi. And that's
Speaker 1: why I don't like to go to sushi restaurants because
Speaker 1: it's always comes out the rice is.
Speaker 4: Like it's from someone's hand, so that they they.
Speaker 3: Make the rice. Now, the way to have sushi, like
Speaker 3: really grade a five star sushi is like it's it's
Speaker 3: room tamp warm.
Speaker 1: I want my sushi dante. I know that's insane, but
Speaker 1: I it a little bit like with a bite to it.
Speaker 1: I want a little crunchiness to the rice. But I
Speaker 1: just found out if you if you make rice and
Speaker 1: then freeze it or put it in a refrigerator, it
Speaker 1: like cuts down the calories by like a third. No, yes,
Speaker 1: it like process your body processes it much faster and
Speaker 1: metabolizes it faster. I'm not interested in that, but it does.
Speaker 1: I knew there was something that I did. Like it's
Speaker 1: in the fridge. It's just so much better when when
Speaker 1: sushi's cold. So that's why I like grocery store sushi
Speaker 1: the best of any sushi I've ever had, because it
Speaker 1: it's cold, and any restaurant you go to, it's just
Speaker 1: comes out it's a little bit warm.
Speaker 2: I like the warm hands of a sushi chef.
Speaker 1: Not into it, but I would like.
Speaker 2: To put restaurants on notice for a minute here in
Speaker 2: regards to salads. I feel like, if you're not getting
Speaker 2: there's salad places like Sweet Green or whatever where you
Speaker 2: make your own salad, and those are doing all right.
Speaker 2: But when you go to a restaurant you order a salad.
Speaker 2: I feel like over the last few years, salad salads
Speaker 2: have become like almost nothing, Like they don't put ingredients
Speaker 2: in their salad. No, that's just let us yeah, I like,
Speaker 2: when did that happen? Where you spend fifteen dollars on
Speaker 2: a salad and it's like it's like there's a there's
Speaker 2: a Mexican restaurant that's supposed to be like a fancy
Speaker 2: healthy restaurant that five years ago you get like a
Speaker 2: Caesar salad from them and it would be like romaine
Speaker 2: lettuce and crutons and like anchovies and stuff, and now
Speaker 2: you get it and it's just iceberg lettuce chopped up.
Speaker 2: I feel like this is a scourge across the nation
Speaker 2: where restaurants have realized that we're not going to complain
Speaker 2: about the salad.
Speaker 1: Well, most people don't like salad, so they when people
Speaker 1: order it, they feel really like self important, like okay, good,
Speaker 1: like I'm doing the healthy thing, not self important, but
Speaker 1: they're proud of themselves that like I'm doing the right thing.
Speaker 1: I got this burger, but I'm gonna be a side slid.
Speaker 1: So Russian's really realizing, like most people aren't really eating
Speaker 1: the salad because what they want is the unhealthy thing,
Speaker 1: and they just kind of get it. And so we
Speaker 1: can really cut down on our food costs if we
Speaker 1: just make the salad smaller because that's what they want.
Speaker 1: Any They don't really want this thing anyway, they're just
Speaker 1: ordering it to be to seem healthy with the person
Speaker 1: they're eating with.
Speaker 3: Right, we're here to say we're done with this restaurants.
Speaker 1: That's my example of salad. Well, that's why anytime I'm
Speaker 1: not even joking this is this has been going on
Speaker 1: for so long, and I'm such a person that loves
Speaker 1: salad that if I order on your nose every weekend
Speaker 1: when we order, if I get a house salad from somewhere,
Speaker 1: how many house salads do I get? Minimum two, two
Speaker 1: to three every single time? Because I know it is
Speaker 1: going to be a dinky asshole even if it's an
Speaker 1: eight dollars salad and I'm talking eight dollars in like Bethlehem, Pennsylvania,
Speaker 1: like eight dollars like a ship that's like a twenty
Speaker 1: dollars salad in LA I just want to know this
Speaker 1: has a dinner, not a side salad. If it's a
Speaker 1: side salad, I'll get like four. But if it's like
Speaker 1: how salad, I'll get at least two and then a
Speaker 1: plus an rain time.
Speaker 3: There's one place that they're not advertising, so I don't
Speaker 3: need to say their name. They're a vegetarian sushi plays.
Speaker 3: They make the best salad I've ever had in my life.
Speaker 3: It's a kale caesar salad. It's all vegan. It tastes
Speaker 3: like mushrooms. They had like, okay, the place we just
Speaker 3: went in Florida, do you remember that place, it's vegan
Speaker 3: sus Planta. Yes, yeah, the best salad I think I've
Speaker 3: ever had.
Speaker 1: I had that too, is it's that is really good
Speaker 1: with the capers.
Speaker 3: And its yes and it tasta.
Speaker 1: It's because I had it for Andrew's wedding. There was
Speaker 1: one in Miami, and then there was or and then
Speaker 1: there was also one in Fort Lauderdale. Is that where
Speaker 1: we were where we got it? Yes? Again yeah, So
Speaker 1: I had it two weekends in a row, and I
Speaker 1: had it in Marina del Rey when we did the
Speaker 1: NFL thing last week. I got Planta and they have
Speaker 1: really good sushi. But the best vegan sushi that I've
Speaker 1: had was some grocery store in I think it was
Speaker 1: the Fort Lauderdale grocery store Susy or maybe no, it's Hershey, Pennsylvania.
Speaker 1: Wherever they got that sushi from. It was the best
Speaker 1: vegetarian vegan sushi had ever had. And it was some
Speaker 1: like I like just a Kroger or something. But we did.
Speaker 1: Uh we we gotta go to break. We're gonna talk
Speaker 1: about this past week when we get back because a
Speaker 1: lot happened and it involved everyone. We'll be back up
Speaker 1: to this. So last week, I don't know if everyone saw,
Speaker 1: but I did the Thursday night Football on Amazon Prime
Speaker 1: as I have been wont to do once before, but
Speaker 1: then we did it on Thursday night. It was such
Speaker 1: a fun day. I really love doing that thing. I
Speaker 1: love writing with a room of really funny writers and
Speaker 1: like just it's not just all intense, like oh no,
Speaker 1: like it is intense because there's decisions that need to
Speaker 1: be made. It feels like there's like the atmosphere of
Speaker 1: like an emergency room kind of thing, like we need
Speaker 1: that like a newsroom. Like it's very like we gotta
Speaker 1: get this to print. It's like there's that like kind
Speaker 1: of anxiety. But there's also like so many jokes being
Speaker 1: cracked that like aren't gonna make it on TV. Like
Speaker 1: we are just constantly goofing around being so funny, riffing
Speaker 1: on things. Like it's I just like hanging out with
Speaker 1: a group of people that I've hand selected that are
Speaker 1: the funniest people I know that are are all in
Speaker 1: like a really good mood because we're doing this really
Speaker 1: cool thing. We're at you know, a NFL or we're
Speaker 1: at an NFL stadium. We're a part of this like
Speaker 1: huge NFL production. It feels important, it feels cool. Everyone
Speaker 1: just feels excited to be there and it's just so fun.
Speaker 1: It's me. It was a huge writer's room this weekend,
Speaker 1: Like the first time we did it. We're in We're
Speaker 1: in New York, and so when it was only four
Speaker 1: of us three three at me you Ian Me, You, Ian,
Speaker 1: Sean and Chris, and then this time it was me
Speaker 1: you Ian me You Ian Sean, Chris Nicole.
Speaker 2: Bill, Bob, Michael.
Speaker 1: Michael and maybe someone else that I'm for, Like I can't.
Speaker 1: It was huge. It was a heavily schedules there. I
Speaker 1: get hair and makeup done at ten thirty or no
Speaker 1: eleven thirty, leave at one two, get to the venue
Speaker 1: at three, and then from three to five fifteen when
Speaker 1: the game starts, we are just writing and like talking
Speaker 1: about the script and sitting ground and like it's a
Speaker 1: little bit like less crazy. The night before we also.
Speaker 4: Watch the other write like are you watching the game
Speaker 4: on a TV or on the field not?
Speaker 1: You know, we're back in a room in the stadium.
Speaker 2: You get buried in a dungeon, which is pretty close
Speaker 2: to usually the player's locker rooms.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, we're real close.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you're in there in a windowless closet room. Yeah.
Speaker 3: With and then it's you and when you're on the air,
Speaker 3: how long is that.
Speaker 1: When I do the thing? Yeah, I do like for
Speaker 1: four minutes, three to four minutes. Yeah, so that's chock
Speaker 1: full of jokes. Then have you not seen it? It's
Speaker 1: it's like it's just me doing like a like kind
Speaker 1: of like a roast of you know what.
Speaker 4: It reminded me of what Actually, it reminds me of
Speaker 4: Talk Soup.
Speaker 1: Do you remember that show? Yeah, yeah, that's a really
Speaker 1: good reference actually, in fact, yeah, I mean, honestly, that's
Speaker 1: kind of it's it's you know that it's done in
Speaker 1: a way that's like I hope that I wanted to
Speaker 1: make something that a girl like me who doesn't know
Speaker 1: anything about sports would like her boyfriend would have this
Speaker 1: on the background and it would be the first thing
Speaker 1: that she looks up and goes like, oh, I can
Speaker 1: kind of understand some of this, Like some of it
Speaker 1: is technical and I don't even know what I'm saying
Speaker 1: because it's like, you know, it's stats or whatever, and
Speaker 1: we're making jokes about stats. But then some of it
Speaker 1: is just like observations that anyone could make having no
Speaker 1: knowledge of the game, and it's just funny and fun
Speaker 1: and like anyone can understand it. And that's really what
Speaker 1: I wanted it to be, and it's what it it's
Speaker 1: turned out to be. And I've learned a lot about
Speaker 1: football through it, which is also a thing I wanted
Speaker 1: it to be.
Speaker 4: Was like, you know, yeah, it's like, honestly, I don't
Speaker 4: watch the game. I know nothing about football, even though
Speaker 4: we talk about on this show, it's like nothing is absorbing.
Speaker 4: But no, when I watch you is just so fun
Speaker 4: to just watch you roast everything. And on the last
Speaker 4: show we were talking about nuances and like in the
Speaker 4: creative process and stuff, like one of my favorite things
Speaker 4: in your delivery is when your voice like you're you're
Speaker 4: kind of holding back a laugh and you're talking through
Speaker 4: the laugh and your your your voice changes a little
Speaker 4: bit is.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the best. Thank you. I
Speaker 1: think I know what joke you're talking about when I
Speaker 1: did that on this time of like yeah, where I'm
Speaker 1: just like excited to say something like do you ever
Speaker 1: like oh like and then it sounds like I'm presenting
Speaker 1: it like the conversationally you're and your pitch just gets
Speaker 1: a little bit higher. Yeah, I don't know, it's your favorite.
Speaker 1: It's like, watch me do that the whole time next
Speaker 1: time and then it's not speciale but yeah, so it's
Speaker 1: and then but then I have a depression right after
Speaker 1: it because it's just like nothing will ever be the
Speaker 1: way the Tom Brady roast was in terms of like
Speaker 1: the risk, like the the amount of like holy shit,
Speaker 1: that was insane that you just like I will never
Speaker 1: get that responsible anything I do the rest of my life,
Speaker 1: Like I'm almost certain of it, and I shouldn't.
Speaker 2: Like that was just well, there'll be a lot of
Speaker 2: There's not as many even though it's a football game.
Speaker 2: There's not as many eyes on the Thursday night football
Speaker 2: post game as there were on the roast obviously, so
Speaker 2: you just you're just automatically not going to get any
Speaker 2: amount of feedback at all that would even good or bad.
Speaker 1: That would be comparable to the road, right right, I
Speaker 1: just I mean like even in the immediacy after it,
Speaker 1: it just is like it just there. It's not like
Speaker 1: no one's like, whoa, the stakes are so high, Like
Speaker 1: it just isn't It's like they're not one's going to care,
Speaker 1: No one notices. Yeah, it goes away. It's just such
Speaker 1: a thing that only exists in that moment kind of
Speaker 1: thing which is really freeing and fun, but it's over
Speaker 1: so fast.
Speaker 2: This week I did feel pretty similar to the roast
Speaker 2: after No.
Speaker 1: I Know you did? I was I was like kind
Speaker 1: of bombed after it because I fucked up the delivery
Speaker 1: on I would say thirty percent of the jokes, like
Speaker 1: I I just really didn't like how I said the joke,
Speaker 1: Like I just my timing was not right and I
Speaker 1: just didn't emphasize the right word. And I just like I,
Speaker 1: you know, it was just a joke that we had
Speaker 1: just written, so it's like I can't be expected to
Speaker 1: do it perfectly. But I was just like, man, I
Speaker 1: let down whoever wrote that joke. I let doubt, Like
Speaker 1: I know, if I was a writer and I wrote
Speaker 1: that joke, I'd be like, fuck, she fucked it, Like
Speaker 1: that was such a good joke and she fumbled it.
Speaker 1: Like I just I felt like disappointed in myself for
Speaker 1: a couple things. So I was kind of like, even
Speaker 1: though it was overall a very successful showing, I was
Speaker 1: focusing on the things I could have done better and
Speaker 1: I couldn't stop thinking about them. And I was kind
Speaker 1: of just like, I just want to go home. I
Speaker 1: just want to be alone and I don't want I
Speaker 1: don't want to run into any more people that like
Speaker 1: might not say exactly what I want to hear, which
Speaker 1: is that was amazing, which no one was saying because
Speaker 1: they have other fish to fry, Like there's a you
Speaker 1: know that the show isn't about me it's like I'm
Speaker 1: like a just a thing tacked on at the end
Speaker 1: as it should be. So it's just like I just
Speaker 1: want to be claw machined out of there. I don't
Speaker 1: like you want to take a shuttle home with all
Speaker 1: the writers and a lot of the producers on the
Speaker 1: show time and sometimes see one of the hosts. It's
Speaker 1: just like I just don't want to be around anyone
Speaker 1: after it, Like I if it's not an A A
Speaker 1: plus plus plus plus plus, I just want to disappear
Speaker 1: and and be alone. And you can't really do that
Speaker 1: after that. But but then it was good to be
Speaker 1: around you, Brian, because you are usually very harsh on
Speaker 1: yourself and and hard on and want everything to be perfect,
Speaker 1: and you were just in like such a good mood that.
Speaker 2: I was very happy. I was floating. I was every
Speaker 2: step was I felt like I was bounced on with mood.
Speaker 1: Everyone was like, what's going on with Brian. We're like,
Speaker 1: I think this is happy, it's giving happy, Brian. Well
Speaker 1: I was.
Speaker 2: You know, I've I've been down lately, and I also
Speaker 2: had kind of lower expectations this time around, so because
Speaker 2: you know, last time obviously we had this screaming Drunken Hordes.
Speaker 2: This time, it went as well as we could have
Speaker 2: hoped in terms of production, and because we know the
Speaker 2: script was good, we know that you're going to be good.
Speaker 2: It was really up to like, are the uncontrollable aspects
Speaker 2: of this going to meet our expectations? And I felt
Speaker 2: like it did. Yeah, and so everything just came together
Speaker 2: in my mind and it was it was great. I
Speaker 2: think that's why I was like looking at this or
Speaker 2: like this should be on every week, this should be
Speaker 2: every single game, which so.
Speaker 1: I would do it every It's so fun and I
Speaker 1: love I just love working really hard for a short
Speaker 1: amount of time. I hate a long build up to something.
Speaker 1: Everyone's like the Golden Globes, isn't this great? Thieves all
Speaker 1: this time? And I was like, no, Honestly, I would
Speaker 1: love to be told two weeks before them doing the
Speaker 1: Golden Globes. I would be fine with that. I literally would.
Speaker 1: And I'm not trying to be like, you know, I'm
Speaker 1: not throwing any under the bus that had maybe complained
Speaker 1: about not having enough time for me. That's just how
Speaker 1: I work best, Like, I'm just saying that is how
Speaker 1: that is. The I don't like I don't like a
Speaker 1: lot of time at all. I love that we are like,
Speaker 1: we don't have time to write a new joke. It's
Speaker 1: gonna be this one or this one, Nikki, And I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh that one. Like I like that. I think it's
Speaker 1: the pressure is that's the only way I get anything
Speaker 1: in my life done is last minute. It's it's just
Speaker 1: the way that I'm built, and I really wish I wasn't.
Speaker 1: Do you guys feel that way? I mean, I feel
Speaker 1: like a lot of people do relate to what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: But I think some people do like a lot of
Speaker 1: time and like to like consider it and take like
Speaker 1: you're a slower person on you you like to like
Speaker 1: move it a slower clip, Like do you do well
Speaker 1: under those circumstances.
Speaker 3: I need a deadline for something to get done too.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I like the pressure of it. And I really love
Speaker 3: working with a group. If I couldn't write for like
Speaker 3: a couple of years when I was writing alone, and
Speaker 3: then I rejoined my songwriting group, which is just like
Speaker 3: ten of us over email where we get a prompt
Speaker 3: every week, and then I just started like cranking out
Speaker 3: songs because I'd be like, I don't want to disappoint them. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and i'd get you get called out if you don't
Speaker 3: turn into song and then you get kicked out. So
Speaker 3: I did not want my pride to get bruised. So
Speaker 3: that's okay.
Speaker 1: Any of the songs on your album like are from
Speaker 1: that songwriting.
Speaker 3: Group, I think all of it. I think all ten
Speaker 3: are from don't.
Speaker 1: Really like seventy Did you really write seventy?
Speaker 3: So I wrote like seventy songs.
Speaker 1: Probably would you.
Speaker 2: Give them like a special thanks to.
Speaker 3: The Oh, I definitely did to the leader of the group,
Speaker 3: Bob Schneider, who's an amazing songwriter in Austin, Texas. I
Speaker 3: mean he came up with the girl shit, he came
Speaker 3: up with waiting or yeah, I came up with sugar,
Speaker 3: you are good, you are the letters you are good.
Speaker 3: I think I came up with beautiful and stoned. Yeah,
Speaker 3: but they're all from the group.
Speaker 1: I believe that's insane that without the group that would
Speaker 1: not you would never written all those songs. Yeah, that
Speaker 1: those that was and that is the truth for everything
Speaker 1: in my life, Like, I would not create anything if
Speaker 1: there wasn't people expecting things from me. I don't even
Speaker 1: know how I got started in comedy. I think back
Speaker 1: to like the early days, when no one expected anything
Speaker 1: of me. What was the reason for me to do anything?
Speaker 4: Like?
Speaker 1: I don't. I signed up for a comedy thing, and
Speaker 1: I guess there was a deadline and I told my
Speaker 1: friends about it, so I guess there was some expectation.
Speaker 1: But without that built in, I would fucking get nothing done.
Speaker 1: Most of my jokes are written as I'm backstage about
Speaker 1: to walk on to stage. That is when all of
Speaker 1: my creativity starts like kind of coming out of me,
Speaker 1: and I come up with stuff. So like on the
Speaker 1: on the drive to the why why can't consistent?
Speaker 2: Process, I think like your brain just starts clicking on
Speaker 2: when you're when you have to go on stage, and
Speaker 2: you do wind up writing more jokes. But for me
Speaker 2: it's the exact opposite. I when when it comes to
Speaker 2: like writing a script or something like that, I do
Speaker 2: that the best when no one is expecting it from
Speaker 2: it because I like to be like, surprise, I got
Speaker 2: this script.
Speaker 1: You expectedness, Boom here it is, Oh WHOA, Okay, that's good.
Speaker 2: I like to I like to be locked away in
Speaker 2: a closet for a month and then I come out
Speaker 2: with a script and then no one was like what
Speaker 2: were you doing in there? And it's like I have
Speaker 2: a script now, and they're like, who are you? You're
Speaker 2: not't repped here?
Speaker 3: Is that like family stuff? That seems like how somebody
Speaker 3: would have to get attention in their family, or like
Speaker 3: where's Brian? Has anyone seen Brian closet?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Well, I think it's similar to like I can't do
Speaker 1: I don't like yoguts too slow, it's not doing anything
Speaker 1: for me. It's like it's like I need, I want
Speaker 1: something to be feel like I'm going to die and
Speaker 1: then and I want the countdown clock. Like I've walked
Speaker 1: out of classes because the clock wasn't working. The one
Speaker 1: day I showed up at Plank class in the clock,
Speaker 1: They're like, it's not working you guys, And I go, well,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be here because I need to
Speaker 1: know because yeah, yeah, it's not like I need. I
Speaker 1: am looking at that clock constantly being like okay, I
Speaker 1: got okay, I can do this. Twenty five more minutes.
Speaker 1: That's nothing. That's like meditating plus five minutes, like or
Speaker 1: when I used to meditate, it was twenty minutes, and
Speaker 1: I always like think about that like I need I
Speaker 1: need to know when something is going to be over.
Speaker 1: I need to know when the pain is going to
Speaker 1: be over. But until then I can be an excruciating
Speaker 1: amount of pain. And for me, writing is excruciatingly painful.
Speaker 1: I honestly don't think that there is anything I would
Speaker 1: want to do less than write, and that it sounds
Speaker 1: so crazy, but I would rather get a root canal.
Speaker 1: By far its wa came out easy, truly. I'm trying
Speaker 1: to think of like, either do.
Speaker 3: You like being with the group like you like and
Speaker 3: maybe that's how you thrive, like.
Speaker 1: Writing vans Maybe no writing with a group, that's fine
Speaker 1: because then the writing alone, Yeah, writing alone nothing nothing.
Speaker 1: I can't think of anything more painful to me. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to figure out. I was talking on girls Chat
Speaker 1: last night. I'm just I don't know how to make
Speaker 1: to do it anymore, Like I don't know, I'm so
Speaker 1: scared of doing it and I don't And I'm in
Speaker 1: this book I'm reading called The Mountain Is You. It's
Speaker 1: talking about all these blocks we have and like, you know,
Speaker 1: what are you? What is the thing you're avoiding? Like
Speaker 1: the if you're scared of? If you are scared of
Speaker 1: being like on a dying a plane crash, You're scared
Speaker 1: of losing control, and you seek control in your life.
Speaker 1: Like that's usually what it's about, is like you want control.
Speaker 1: It's not about you're scared to die in a plane crash.
Speaker 1: You just like feel you don't like feeling out of control.
Speaker 1: And so what is the fear? When I write, like
Speaker 1: why why would I rather be watching an air show?
Speaker 1: Which one of my biggest fears. I would rather watch
Speaker 1: an air shows than sit down and have to think
Speaker 1: about my stand up set and write like what is that?
Speaker 1: What is the fear? And I guess the fear is
Speaker 1: not being as good as I think I might be
Speaker 1: and then having to live in that and sit in
Speaker 1: the chance that I'm not as talented as I think
Speaker 1: I am.
Speaker 2: Well, also, because when you write, it's always shitty at first,
Speaker 2: and you think, like you think back to the last
Speaker 2: thing you wrote and you were like, but that was amazing.
Speaker 2: Why is this thing I'm writing shitty?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 2: And it's because, well, you have to write it and
Speaker 2: then rewrite it a million times to get to the
Speaker 2: good thing. It didn't just cut like rarely. Sometimes I
Speaker 2: guess it just comes out perfect. But most of the
Speaker 2: time you write something on it, you write something on
Speaker 2: the screen or a piece of paper, and it's like,
Speaker 2: this is fucking terrible, and that's why. And that's hard
Speaker 2: to get through.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because when I start practicing, I'm like, this sounds awful.
Speaker 3: I don't want to listen to this. No, But by
Speaker 3: the third or fourth time through, it's going to sound better.
Speaker 3: So I just try to focus on think about how
Speaker 3: amazing you're gonna feel walking on stage totally prepared, and
Speaker 3: then that'll motivate me to perhaps that's.
Speaker 1: Interesting to think about the future you after having put
Speaker 1: in this work. I just there's I if anyone out
Speaker 1: there listening has any advice on getting through a huge
Speaker 1: block that, like, I'm not kidding you, like I was
Speaker 1: relating it this and I feel like this is the
Speaker 1: perfect analogy for me. Is like when I was anorexic,
Speaker 1: I could not eat and I don't know why. I
Speaker 1: can't describe it. If you've ever had been anarexic, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, or like bliemic, and people are like,
Speaker 1: just stop throwing up, just start eating, Like it seems
Speaker 1: like the simplest thing. You've did it before you like
Speaker 1: it doesn't make sense to people why you can't eat.
Speaker 1: I just couldn't eat. And that is literally how I
Speaker 1: feel about writing right now. I and I and I
Speaker 1: am looking at my life. I'm like, this is why
Speaker 1: I'm so busy. I just don't want to have any
Speaker 1: room where I could write. And I was talking to
Speaker 1: my therapists last week about how I really don't do
Speaker 1: well when I don't have something to do at all
Speaker 1: hours of the day, and she said, why, what is
Speaker 1: the root of this, Like what are you scared of
Speaker 1: if you're not you know, smoking pot, playing guitar, masturbating, running,
Speaker 1: doing a plant class, going walking your dog, Like these
Speaker 1: are all the things I do when I don't have
Speaker 1: actual work right, Like I never just like sit and
Speaker 1: watch TV without food going down my face, Like I'm
Speaker 1: always like doing something, consuming something. And I was like,
Speaker 1: it's because I feel guilty I'm not writing. So if
Speaker 1: I just keep my life busy enough, I never I
Speaker 1: never have to write. So anyone has any advice on
Speaker 1: how I can start writing and get past this, I
Speaker 1: will take it like I am like, literally I don't
Speaker 1: know what to do. And this has been going on
Speaker 1: for me, like my whole life, like I do write
Speaker 1: like I don't want people to think if you come
Speaker 1: see me on stage, like you're gonna see old shit
Speaker 1: or whatever, like the well I write, Yeah, I write
Speaker 1: on stage. I write on the car ride over when
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I just need a new joke, and
Speaker 1: then I'll be like I'll intensely be in my phone
Speaker 1: for a second and I'll just write something in like
Speaker 1: a couple of minutes if it's all takes. Like, people go, Nikki,
Speaker 1: how did you come up with that on stage? That
Speaker 1: was so quick? And I'm like, well, if I came
Speaker 1: up with it on a Starbucks on my laptop, it's
Speaker 1: the same quickness. It comes out either way, you know,
Speaker 1: like a joke.
Speaker 4: Why are you questioning your your process? Like why something
Speaker 4: if it's not broken?
Speaker 1: I well, because I'm not writing at the clip I
Speaker 1: want to like I would like to, and and when
Speaker 1: when I do write, noah, Like it's always under pressure
Speaker 1: and I don't ever leave enough time for myself. It's
Speaker 1: always like, oh, man, if I had a couple more minutes,
Speaker 1: this would even be tighter. So if I started that
Speaker 1: kind of writing that I do on the way over
Speaker 1: to the venue or literally as I'm walking to stage.
Speaker 1: The joke would be so much better if I just
Speaker 1: had five more minutes to add to it, and I
Speaker 1: could give myself that time out a Starbucks. But I
Speaker 1: just for some reason, that's not gonna help anyway. I'm
Speaker 1: literally paralyzed.
Speaker 2: Like I'm gonna help you if you give yourself five
Speaker 2: more minutes to try to perfect the joke.
Speaker 1: Oh it totally would it? Totally would I you're wrong,
Speaker 1: I'm not kidding you.
Speaker 4: I get I got it wrong. I suggestrong. Okay, oh
Speaker 4: that's good, Okay, hold on. My My suggestion is talk
Speaker 4: to your tour manager, Matt Pond to give you the
Speaker 4: wrong set times so that you have an extra five minutes.
Speaker 3: That doesn't work because she's so good at time management.
Speaker 3: She'll show up twenty seconds before she needs to be
Speaker 3: somewhere because she knows she's just not late. But if
Speaker 3: you tell it, you know what I mean, like, she'll
Speaker 3: figure something else out. I think it's true. You are
Speaker 3: successful because you've gotten here. This is your process. Why
Speaker 3: question it? Do you really need to increase the clip
Speaker 3: of your writing? Is that true?
Speaker 1: I would like to I would I would like to
Speaker 1: be like I look at the comedians like that I
Speaker 1: want to level up to and it's going to take
Speaker 1: a lot more effort than I have been putting in,
Speaker 1: like I am I you know, or like you know,
Speaker 1: it's just going to take a different kind of effort
Speaker 1: to be like, let's say I want to do a
Speaker 1: clean special like that is going to take a different
Speaker 1: part of my brain that I need to like spend
Speaker 1: time nurturing and getting to know that I am not
Speaker 1: leaving room for that person to emerge when I am
Speaker 1: just writing on a treadmill because I have three more
Speaker 1: minutes of the walk and then I start getting ready
Speaker 1: for the show, and I do want a local reference
Speaker 1: for this Tampa show, So let me just write a
Speaker 1: Tampa joke really quick in three minutes, because that's all
Speaker 1: I've allowed myself.
Speaker 3: Is there something wrong with that?
Speaker 1: Yeah, the joke doesn't come out as good because I
Speaker 1: don't leave myself as enough time. And then I have
Speaker 1: to start getting ready and then I have to walk
Speaker 1: on stage and I like, for instance, the show that
Speaker 1: I alluded to on last episode, that was one of
Speaker 1: the worst experiences of my life. It I wrote so
Speaker 1: many jokes because I knew it was gonna be bad
Speaker 1: because of like I saw the setup for it. I
Speaker 1: saw like I found out a lot of details about
Speaker 1: the show that I was like, Oh, this has potential
Speaker 1: to go really bad. So I built in all of
Speaker 1: these jokes. I wrote a ton of jokes that were
Speaker 1: out for these moments to like. And I was so
Speaker 1: proud of the jokes, like I love I loved them all.
Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, I hope this set goes bad
Speaker 1: because this stuff is so funny to say about it.
Speaker 1: And then I get out there and because I didn't
Speaker 1: write those jokes with enough time to memorize them and
Speaker 1: practice them and get them an order in my head,
Speaker 1: they were not there for me when I started panic,
Speaker 1: when I started not doing well, Like when you let's
Speaker 1: like you can tell yourself a million times when you're
Speaker 1: driving down the highway, if I hit a patch of
Speaker 1: black ice, turn into it. I'm gonna want to turn
Speaker 1: out of it, but it's the better to turn into it.
Speaker 1: Or when you go out to the.
Speaker 2: Sea and you get any when you hate black guys,
Speaker 2: you're supposed to glide or.
Speaker 1: Whatever it is, like it's there's some kind of rule
Speaker 1: that when you start skitting out, Yeah, well when you're
Speaker 1: driving off snow. Have you guys heard of that? Like
Speaker 1: you're supposed to drive, you're supposed to steer into it,
Speaker 1: which is the opposite that your body wants to do.
Speaker 3: I always heard you're supposed.
Speaker 1: To let go. Okay, let me give another example. When
Speaker 1: you are caught in a riptide, you are supposed to
Speaker 1: swim parallel. You're not supposed to swim against it. Right,
Speaker 1: You're gonna drown. Right, So we all know that it's
Speaker 1: been drilled in, like I thought about a million times.
Speaker 1: But you that all go out the fucking window when
Speaker 1: you have a fight or flight response, like you don't
Speaker 1: you unless those things are ingrained in you and you've
Speaker 1: practiced them with your body over and over and memorize them,
Speaker 1: you're not gonna have them. You can have your notes
Speaker 1: in front of you. I have all these jokes written
Speaker 1: in front of me to get out, but I when
Speaker 1: I start doing poorly, I don't go to those jokes.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I go to? I go to
Speaker 1: a joke I wrote ten years ago that I don't
Speaker 1: even remember the ending to. That's what That's the life
Speaker 1: vest that I throw myself over the you know from
Speaker 1: the carnival cruise, I just throw myself like a beach
Speaker 1: towel instead of like an inflatable thing that I blew
Speaker 1: up like and now I'm just like holding onto this
Speaker 1: wet towel, sinking even further and I don't even know
Speaker 1: how to get back to the boat at I've left
Speaker 1: myself nothing, and it's And if I would have memorized
Speaker 1: those jokes, if I would have just written those jokes
Speaker 1: an hour prior as opposed to when I did, I
Speaker 1: would have had a chance to memorize them more and
Speaker 1: then they would have been there for me. So that's
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like, that's why I know that that
Speaker 1: won't happen again, is because I'm going to now leave
Speaker 1: myself two hours to prepare before a show like that
Speaker 1: instead of one.
Speaker 3: Okay, realistically, how much time would you say you need
Speaker 3: before every show to take your jokes from where they're
Speaker 3: at to the level you'd like them to be at?
Speaker 3: Realistic amount of time.
Speaker 1: Like focused looking over my set and like writing like
Speaker 1: an hour, But I that sounds a long time. Fucking
Speaker 1: hell yeah, Like I mean, but that's what most That's
Speaker 1: what the best comedians do.
Speaker 3: Knowing Nikki Glazer as well as you know her, how
Speaker 3: would you even like get that hour into her life?
Speaker 1: I would tell that wouldn't be hard, Like I would say,
Speaker 1: instead of singing Taylor Swift songs before a show, you
Speaker 1: don't get to do that.
Speaker 2: Well, you're not happy that you.
Speaker 1: Have show two hours earlier, then you have to showup
Speaker 1: an hour earlier. So you can get your tails with
Speaker 1: songs and you can do your thing, but then you
Speaker 1: don't get to sleep, and so now you're going to
Speaker 1: be a little bit sleepless.
Speaker 2: Why aren't you doing this at the hotel room? The writing?
Speaker 1: Because I can't do that. What I don't even know
Speaker 1: what that looks like?
Speaker 2: That's what I would do.
Speaker 3: Oh where do you need to write?
Speaker 2: Well?
Speaker 3: Works best?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 1: I need to be like about to go on and
Speaker 1: like I guess, backstage in a room by myself. But
Speaker 1: I don't want that because then my friends are in
Speaker 1: the next room. And if I'm at a hotel, I
Speaker 1: mean we get to a hotel usually around one or two.
Speaker 1: I want to get in a workout, I want to
Speaker 1: get in an app. There's just no room for it.
Speaker 3: Okay, so this totally makes sense why you're having a
Speaker 3: problem it's just not realistic for your life or your
Speaker 3: personality to do sixty minutes of focus to work alone
Speaker 3: before a show, like checking all these boxes you need checked.
Speaker 1: It has to be why I keep my life like
Speaker 1: this so I don't have to do it and that.
Speaker 3: But your life would be kind of miserable with you.
Speaker 3: I think you need a certain amount.
Speaker 1: Notion is just nikky. Ten minutes. Yes, ten doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be an hour. Let's make it ten minutes and
Speaker 1: see what happens.
Speaker 3: Do you do less? Also, the other thing, yeah, that's
Speaker 3: important for successful people is pain. Like you have to
Speaker 3: be in sufficient pain to make a change in your
Speaker 3: life at least, like you know that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I'm in deep pain right now, Like I'm
Speaker 1: reaching a Like I was reading the Mountain as you
Speaker 1: and they were like the only way that you're going
Speaker 1: to change your life and take it to the next
Speaker 1: level of like like the person you want to be,
Speaker 1: you're you're not comfortable with who you are is like
Speaker 1: you have to hit a bottom, and your bottom might
Speaker 1: not be like a bottom bottom. It might be like
Speaker 1: just this right above a bottom, Like knowing that you
Speaker 1: don't want to hit a bottom might be your bottom
Speaker 1: and I'm like at that thing where I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I need intervention. And I've been in this place before
Speaker 1: and I've done nothing about it, Like this is just
Speaker 1: a common thing for me to always reach this place
Speaker 1: and go it needs to start today, Like even the
Speaker 1: book was talking about like people who are like I
Speaker 1: need to lose weight, like I'm going on a diet tomorrow,
Speaker 1: and they do it and then they just find themselves
Speaker 1: at the drive through again and again. Like that's me.
Speaker 1: I just will not do the thing I know I
Speaker 1: need to do. And that's why I'm begging for anyone
Speaker 1: if you know of like any other method to start
Speaker 1: doing the thing that you absolutely know that you won't do. Oh,
Speaker 1: I have a method because this has happened to me.
Speaker 1: Really share it. After the break we're back. What is
Speaker 1: it it's happened to you, Brian.
Speaker 2: Now that everyone's anticipating this method, I just while I
Speaker 2: have everyone's attention, I just want to say, if you
Speaker 2: encounter black ice, what you're supposed to do is just
Speaker 2: allow the steering wheel to take you wherever it's going. Okay,
Speaker 2: do not touch the brakes. That's the worst thing you
Speaker 2: can do.
Speaker 1: It's the thing okay, yes, but that is like not intuitive, right,
Speaker 1: Like no, you.
Speaker 2: Want to stop and like spin against it.
Speaker 1: And start to bomb on a set, and you have
Speaker 1: all these outs that you've made for yourself to like
Speaker 1: get out of it, and then you have none of
Speaker 1: those tools when you start because your your faculties are
Speaker 1: gone and you're panicking. You can't think logically.
Speaker 2: When that happens. I mean, God, that has happened a
Speaker 2: lot to me lately.
Speaker 1: Like it's like when people are say, carry mace with you,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not gonna know to like get my
Speaker 1: mace out when I'm being violently attacked, Like I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna think to do. That's why I gotta get the
Speaker 1: fucking flash light. Noah, Okay, So what's the method, Brian.
Speaker 3: I'm interesting.
Speaker 2: Our good friend Bill Dixon is helping me with this
Speaker 2: right now. Unrelated to writing, and this also helped Anya.
Speaker 2: You need a buddy system, yes, where you go where
Speaker 2: you say, hey, God, you write for ten minutes, I'll
Speaker 2: write for ten minutes, and you're accountable to this one
Speaker 2: individual person and you both are benefiting from it. So
Speaker 2: it's not like they're doing you a favor.
Speaker 3: Yes, Nikki, you helped me with this too. When I
Speaker 3: was feeling insecure about my voice, you were taking voice lessons.
Speaker 3: Then I started taking voice lessons, thinking maybe that could
Speaker 3: help me. Now before shows, it is non negotiable that
Speaker 3: I do my vocal warm ups. I have to do
Speaker 3: that every day before a show, whether it's at the
Speaker 3: hotel room or whatever. I tell myself non negotiable. I'm
Speaker 3: doing that and it helps so much.
Speaker 1: So you could do that with You could be.
Speaker 3: Like, all right, now we do our non negotiable ten minutes.
Speaker 3: I can go do my vocal warm ups. You can
Speaker 3: go do your thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a good idea. I like that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you guys, even though it's different things, you guys
Speaker 2: can still hold each other accountable to those non negotiations.
Speaker 4: But at the same time hold on where Yeah, where
Speaker 4: would Nikki's starting point be? And I actually, during our
Speaker 4: very short break, I was thinking, you picked up on
Speaker 4: the game of football in you know, maybe a couple
Speaker 4: of months, and now you actually have knowledge of football
Speaker 4: more than you did like three months ago. You're in
Speaker 4: these writing teams, in these writing groups, it's fun. You
Speaker 4: get to you get to hang out. You were just
Speaker 4: talking about how much you love that atmosphere, and I
Speaker 4: think the more you're in there, the more that muscle
Speaker 4: is getting exercise, and that is going to compel you
Speaker 4: to have that starting point where Ona does her vocal
Speaker 4: warm ups and you're in your room for ten minutes.
Speaker 1: That's why I've been bringing some writers on the road
Speaker 1: with me to like help me talk about my act.
Speaker 1: But then I bring them out and they're always like,
Speaker 1: when are we going to do it? And I go,
Speaker 1: let's like film and TikTok video instead, Like I am,
Speaker 1: I even like tiny that influence. I find avoidance. I'm like,
Speaker 1: let me go watch you smoke a cigarette like I
Speaker 1: will do any and they go, I feel bad, you
Speaker 1: like brought me on here for just and I'm like,
Speaker 1: it's really about the hang. And then I avoid working,
Speaker 1: even though to.
Speaker 3: Them in a text, hey this works for you and
Speaker 3: me because you'll say, hey, sometime this weekend, will you
Speaker 3: remind me of blah blah blah blah blah, And then
Speaker 3: I make a note, don't let NICKI forget to do
Speaker 3: X y Z, And sometimes I forget. Most of the time,
Speaker 3: I don't, so text them that way they know you
Speaker 3: are expecting them. It's part of their job to say
Speaker 3: time out, When are we doing our ten minutes.
Speaker 2: Of that's not going to happen.
Speaker 1: But then I say, I don't feel like it. I'm
Speaker 1: not in a good right now. I always say that
Speaker 1: I know that's you're bad, that's your bad, But that's
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. What do I do to stop being bad?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Well I have the answer for that too, because
Speaker 2: so for the person that you're describing, I can't even
Speaker 2: imagine in a million years him ever doing that. Going, no,
Speaker 2: now it's time for us to write, Nick.
Speaker 1: That would be no, it's no.
Speaker 2: What you need to do is establish a outside of
Speaker 2: the weekend. You need to do a zoom or something
Speaker 2: that's one hour of writing. Yes, where you go. This
Speaker 2: is the purpose of this is just to write for
Speaker 2: an hour and it's not in person even or in
Speaker 2: the hang or in the weekend.
Speaker 4: Yeah, do you guys start out to write like nothing?
Speaker 4: Or do you have a topic that you bring or
Speaker 4: like I know, I.
Speaker 1: Usually a'm like, here's the things that I am interested
Speaker 1: in talking about on stage, and here the angles I'm
Speaker 1: thinking about, Like what do you guys think about this?
Speaker 1: Like where? And then a lot of it is just
Speaker 1: like watch my here's my set. I'll send them my
Speaker 1: set and I'll be like, do you have any ideas
Speaker 1: for other places I could go? And it's just like
Speaker 1: that doesn't really work for me because I just never
Speaker 1: want to look. Then they send their notes, and I
Speaker 1: like never look at their notes because I just don't
Speaker 1: want to see at like how either little that they
Speaker 1: could help me because they not because they're not good,
Speaker 1: but because like the premise isn't good, and then I
Speaker 1: feel bad about myself or I don't know what it is.
Speaker 1: I just don't want to. I don't don't want to
Speaker 1: look at it. I just don't want to. I just
Speaker 1: don't want to deal with it. It's just such a strange.
Speaker 3: Sounding you don't have like a tour manager of your
Speaker 3: life type of thing, Like Matt's your tour tour manager,
Speaker 3: and he like he would totally if you told him this,
Speaker 3: he'd be like, oh, I can just remind Nicky or
Speaker 3: I can say okay, now it's time for that.
Speaker 1: Not doing that, I would just say I don't feel
Speaker 1: like it tonight, and that's you. I never feel like it.
Speaker 1: But hitting it right is like I need to do
Speaker 1: like zoom meetings like on every week that the atmosphere
Speaker 1: I do. Yeah, yeah, you see it as cross training.
Speaker 4: So these zoom meetings, maybe you have just something else
Speaker 4: that you work on, whether it's just jokes about TV
Speaker 4: shows or sports, and then the cross training part is
Speaker 4: again you're exercising that muscle and then you can go
Speaker 4: into your own jokes and punch them up and build
Speaker 4: them up.
Speaker 3: One thing we're all neglecting is you are a three.
Speaker 3: You are any certain type of personality, you get really
Speaker 3: like turned on in quotes, not sexually, but like what
Speaker 3: gets you going is competition and hearing that somebody else
Speaker 3: at your level or like some competitor is doing X
Speaker 3: y Z, or you get really inspired by people like
Speaker 3: Kobe Michael Jordan, Like every time you watch a documentary
Speaker 3: like that, you're like, I'm going to start doing that
Speaker 3: like them. So you need maybe you need to set
Speaker 3: a reminder in your calendar that's like so and so
Speaker 3: is killing it and if you were do your ten
Speaker 3: minutes right now, you would also be killing it or
Speaker 3: something like that where you're like, yeah, fuck that. Also,
Speaker 3: you got really into football when somebody whose music you
Speaker 3: really liked started dating a football player, Like you get
Speaker 3: inspired by certain things, figure out what those things are.
Speaker 3: Is it competition? Is it being wanting to get closer
Speaker 3: to somebody else, wanting to learn more about a topic,
Speaker 3: Like maybe if you were like I want to be
Speaker 3: as excellent as Blank, I'm going to do that ten minutes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what I say to I saw Brian. I'm
Speaker 1: just like, I couldn't even like touch that. That's like
Speaker 1: an embarrassing to try, and then I will fail so
Speaker 1: bad that it'll be so embarrassing to me. But these
Speaker 1: are all interesting. It's nice to hear this feedback and
Speaker 1: have a couple options here. I mean, there was a
Speaker 1: thing I was doing over COVID that I remember talking
Speaker 1: about on the old u uppod, but Brian, I might
Speaker 1: have you research it. It is a it's a thing
Speaker 1: that you do. It's like a zoom that you do,
Speaker 1: and you are assigned a person that randomly that also
Speaker 1: needs to get something done, and you both talk before
Speaker 1: the time limit starts about what you're gonna do, and
Speaker 1: then you start, and then you both have a camera
Speaker 1: on you and you are working and you don't talk
Speaker 1: the whole time, and then at the end of it
Speaker 1: you talk about what you just did, and I did
Speaker 1: it like five times. I got so much done because
Speaker 1: you can't abandon your buddy. And it's like a it's
Speaker 1: a it's a free website that you go onto and
Speaker 1: it's like, oh megal, and they like it's almost like
Speaker 1: they just set you up with someone randomly who also
Speaker 1: needs and you said it, you you schedule it, so
Speaker 1: then you show up and they assign you someone and
Speaker 1: it's you and one other person. You both have your
Speaker 1: camera on you and you just get work done at
Speaker 1: your laptop and you talk about what you're doing right before,
Speaker 1: like I Oftentimes it'd be like this guy would be need,
Speaker 1: like I have to go through the spreadsheet and make
Speaker 1: sure the times really correlate with the thing, like some
Speaker 1: boring thing, and I'm like, I have to write a
Speaker 1: joke about my discharge or whatever it was. And then
Speaker 1: he'd be like what and You're like, are you Nikki?
Speaker 1: I'm like yes. He was like, I go, how many
Speaker 1: times have you done this? It was such a cool thing.
Speaker 1: It was called like something buddy or like I forget
Speaker 1: and I really want to do that again because.
Speaker 3: That accountability body was it.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: It had a really fun, kind of cute name and
Speaker 1: it was. Will you google it, Brian to see if
Speaker 1: you can find out it wasn't it is. It's a
Speaker 1: accountability partner that you get randomly assigned to that also
Speaker 1: needs to get something done. And it is a free service,
Speaker 1: and it's probably sets the clock for like fifty minutes,
Speaker 1: and it leaves five minutes at the top to talk
Speaker 1: about what you're gonna do and five minutes at the
Speaker 1: end to talk about what you did. And you can't
Speaker 1: abandon your partner. You can, but like it would be
Speaker 1: really shitty.
Speaker 2: So I've got commit club, no support y, but.
Speaker 1: I guess there's lots of these. God, what was it?
Speaker 2: Focusmate?
Speaker 1: Yes, focus mate? Thank you. It's called focus Mate and
Speaker 1: that's where you thank you so much for looking it up. Yes,
Speaker 1: and you go and you can make an appointment. I'm
Speaker 1: going to do that. I think that's what I'm going
Speaker 1: to get back into because I forgot about that.
Speaker 2: David says, I need to reply to five emails in
Speaker 2: book a flight, and Natalie says, I need to sketch
Speaker 2: a user flow.
Speaker 1: And then what happens.
Speaker 2: I have to sign up to see what happens next.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so final thought, focus Mate, you go on and
Speaker 1: you get just you meet a person and you go like,
Speaker 1: where are you in the world?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 1: Really, like I've I've taught I did you know focus
Speaker 1: mat with like people in all over the world try
Speaker 1: to come over the country couldn't Yeah, like I was
Speaker 1: going to say, and then I I just felt racist.
Speaker 1: Whatever country I shows.
Speaker 3: Anyway, Hey, I happy me to ask you.
Speaker 1: I'm going to do a focus meet to come up
Speaker 1: with a country for where my focus mat was. What
Speaker 1: I have in my notes to ask you? Uh? Are
Speaker 1: you excited to see me? Okay? So this weekend I
Speaker 1: went to see Taylor Swift in New Orleans. My weekend
Speaker 1: was insane. Let me just walk you through it. Los
Speaker 1: Angeles Thursday night, NFL Live on TV, Amazon Prime. Friday,
Speaker 1: fly to Fort Lauderdale, do a show and also a
Speaker 1: Playboy interview and also a photo shoot after the show.
Speaker 1: Also hair and makeup and a meet and greet. Saturday
Speaker 1: early morning, seven am, hair and makeup, nine thirty interview
Speaker 1: until eleven thirty. Then drive to Fort Myers two shows
Speaker 1: with a meet and greet in between. Insane. Then Sunday
Speaker 1: fled New Orleans Fort Eras, and then on Monday, fly
Speaker 1: to the gig that I've been talking about that I'm
Speaker 1: just I don't even want to give specifics because I'm
Speaker 1: just I'm still processed. I'm still in the trauma of it, right.
Speaker 1: So then fly to another country to do a gig
Speaker 1: for the on Monday, and then Tuesday back home. That
Speaker 1: was last night.
Speaker 3: You saw the asport on you cud.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I always on my passport.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: We also Jen has bring your passport in bold written
Speaker 1: the week before throughout my calendar. So it's really that
Speaker 1: there's no way I could forget.
Speaker 2: I'm inspired. I got to get on that.
Speaker 1: Oh fuck yeah, IDs.
Speaker 2: I got my real ID that we needed to. Except
Speaker 2: knew because it was like right after COVID. I knew
Speaker 2: it was going to get harder and harder to get
Speaker 2: to the DMV to do this. So when it was
Speaker 2: like during COVID and nobody wanted to go there, that's
Speaker 2: when I went.
Speaker 1: I will be getting my real ID, may I think
Speaker 1: the CUS like May twenty six, I will be getting
Speaker 1: in the day before. It's just ridiculous. But what is
Speaker 1: it a huge process? Is it okay?
Speaker 2: Like oh no, But what's hard is that as you
Speaker 2: get closer to that date, the line at the DMV
Speaker 2: is just going to get longer and longer.
Speaker 1: You do it online.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I voted early yesterday and the line was ridiculous.
Speaker 2: You have to go to the d MV to do,
Speaker 2: which is.
Speaker 1: To travel of the day that I'm voting.
Speaker 3: Well, you can vote early tomorrow.
Speaker 1: Oh that's true. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.
Speaker 2: I've already voted.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you can vote today.
Speaker 2: Tomorrow.
Speaker 1: You can vote this year.
Speaker 3: They'll use this hull quote pull quote.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So then, but on Sunday I went to Eras
Speaker 1: Okay in New Orleans with Khaki and current Chris's brother
Speaker 1: and sister, and it was so much fun, so glad,
Speaker 1: Like at the last second, I was maybe not going
Speaker 1: to go because I'm like, I can't. I should have.
Speaker 1: In hindsight, I shouldn't have gone. I should have prepared
Speaker 1: for the show that I can't even talk about because
Speaker 1: it was so uncomfortable and I could have maybe done
Speaker 1: better had I prepared, but probably not because it was
Speaker 1: a lot of things that I couldn't control about it.
Speaker 1: But anyway, that would have been so much more fun.
Speaker 1: I can't. I can't wait to talk about like it's
Speaker 1: too fresh for me. I'm too wounded, but in hindsight,
Speaker 1: like it, I'm already mad that I already talked about it.
Speaker 1: I promised myself I wouldn't because I don't want anyone
Speaker 1: to think that I'm not being like having like killing
Speaker 1: it right now in life. But I had a rough
Speaker 1: night of work. This is your brand, I know, but
Speaker 1: like it just it's I don't know. I just want
Speaker 1: the people that I consume and like think are great,
Speaker 1: Like I don't ever want to hear about them failing
Speaker 1: until it's like years later, and then they can talk
Speaker 1: about something that they failed at, like yeah, like like
Speaker 1: the person I like now would never do that. Like
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just have these expectations for myself
Speaker 1: that I know that everyone doesn't. But whatever, so we
Speaker 1: all have bad nights and but anyway, so I went
Speaker 1: to Eras and I'm in the gym right before it.
Speaker 1: I know, I know the timing of Eras right like now.
Speaker 1: I used to like not see the opening act because
Speaker 1: it's like I'm gonna be on my feet for three
Speaker 1: hours and forty five minutes, Like I don't need to
Speaker 1: add the opening act to that. Even though I love Paramore,
Speaker 1: even though I do love Heime I actually did see
Speaker 1: I'm in LA, but I generally just get there a
Speaker 1: little late. And I know that's disrespectful, and I'm sorry
Speaker 1: to opening acts. I've been one before too, and I
Speaker 1: get it, but you got to understand anyway, Grace Abrams,
Speaker 1: I'm not skipping that. Like she's She's a part of
Speaker 1: it for me now. She's like literally like I'm Taylor
Speaker 1: Swift levels. I was obsessed with Gracy Abrams music right now.
Speaker 1: It's like in my bones. I love it so much.
Speaker 1: So I'm so excited to see Gracie. So I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: we got to get at I know the exact time
Speaker 1: we're gonna make it there. I go down to the
Speaker 1: gym to work out, and they're I'm getting a little
Speaker 1: nervous because it's like there are these four women come
Speaker 1: in and they are getting ready for the show in
Speaker 1: the gym because their room isn't ready yet, and they're
Speaker 1: being really cool about it, by the way, even though
Speaker 1: their rooms should have been ready was four forty five.
Speaker 1: But they're getting ready, and I'm like, oh, should I
Speaker 1: be getting ready? And then I'm the only one in
Speaker 1: the gym and I'm like and I'm looking outside and
Speaker 1: there's just like throngs of people on the street dressed
Speaker 1: in so like all going to the show. And I'm like, man,
Speaker 1: and I'm late. It doesn't really have anything to do
Speaker 1: with it. I was kind of panicking and they were
Speaker 1: kind of looking at me, and then they started playing
Speaker 1: music on their phone to like get ready with even
Speaker 1: there's four women in there, I would say early forties,
Speaker 1: mid to early forties, all getting ready and I was
Speaker 1: listening to music and I go, I guess I don't
Speaker 1: need music. Let me just like chill with you girls,
Speaker 1: and they're like, oh, we're so sorry. I'm like no,
Speaker 1: this will be so fun. And I'm like, is it
Speaker 1: just your first show? And they were like yeah, and
Speaker 1: they were like have you been before? And I'm like ah,
Speaker 1: They're like how many times? And I'm like I don't
Speaker 1: really want to say I really don't like to tell
Speaker 1: people anymore because it just it's not it's they just
Speaker 1: are so confused and they don't know what to say.
Speaker 1: So I said twice this is gonna be my twentieth
Speaker 1: and they go, are you and her family or something?
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh no, which is really funny.
Speaker 1: I was like I wish.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 1: I I just don't have kids, is my answer, because
Speaker 1: these women clearly did. And and I say that just
Speaker 1: because they seem basic. And so I not that it's
Speaker 1: basic to have kids, but like if you're basic, like
Speaker 1: not everyone who has kids is basic, but if you're basic,
Speaker 1: you have kids. I have my argument. I'm a yeah, mom, Yes,
Speaker 1: this was giving mam a bear and I'll get to
Speaker 1: that in a second. And so these women were getting
Speaker 1: ready and they were so cute and uh, having so
Speaker 1: much fun with it, and they were like, we're so
Speaker 1: glad we did this. We almost didn't do this. It
Speaker 1: was gonna be such a fun night. And then and
Speaker 1: I was just like overhearing their conversation. And then the
Speaker 1: one was like, can I just ask you a question?
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, here it is, yes, I am.
Speaker 1: You know. She goes, do you drink? And I was
Speaker 1: like I don't and she was like, uh, makes sense.
Speaker 1: Anyone who's fit they don't drink. I got to stop drinking.
Speaker 1: And I was like that's not actually true. I was like,
Speaker 1: I literally just got fit like a couple months ago,
Speaker 1: Like I this is new to me, and this is
Speaker 1: that was honestly my first like free weights workout. Ever
Speaker 1: maybe my second Like I'm doing free weights now because
Speaker 1: I did them with Kirsten when I was in Kansas
Speaker 1: City and my body hurts so bad. After words, I
Speaker 1: realized Plots is not doing everything I needed to be doing,
Speaker 1: which is really disheartening. So now I'm doing like weight
Speaker 1: workouts and.
Speaker 2: No replacement for weights there.
Speaker 1: Isn't it fucking sucks because weights are so hard and
Speaker 1: they're dirty, and like you just always feel like you're
Speaker 1: doing it wrong, and you always like kind of like
Speaker 1: having to like go the guys there and you go, oh,
Speaker 1: you're using those and they never have three pounds. There's
Speaker 1: five pound, and there's only one set of five pound,
Speaker 1: there's only one set of ten pounds, and that's guess what.
Speaker 1: That's what most women are using are five and ten pound,
Speaker 1: And so if there's one other woman in the gym,
Speaker 1: you have to use the ten pounds and you don't
Speaker 1: have enough arm strength to.
Speaker 2: Use do you have five and thirty?
Speaker 1: Sure? Yes, I'm sure. Why don't we just make lots
Speaker 1: of twenties and twenty fives and why don't we make
Speaker 1: lots of fives and tens and seven point fives? But
Speaker 1: we don't anyway. So I'm doing this, and I go
Speaker 1: to be honest with you, I just started working out
Speaker 1: like this, like I'm not a naturally fit person, and
Speaker 1: I quit drinking, like you know, I think it's twenty eleven,
Speaker 1: fourteen years ago, and and she was like, no, I
Speaker 1: got a quit drink and whatever. So that was part
Speaker 1: of the So they were but she's not going to
Speaker 1: because basic. Right. So, and it sounds like I'm being catty,
Speaker 1: but this is what it brought me to, Like this
Speaker 1: is just not the attitude that I think anyone should have,
Speaker 1: and I just want people to be better. Okay. So
Speaker 1: these women were all talking about their husbands and one
Speaker 1: of them and I'm so sorry if this gets back
Speaker 1: to you. Girls. I really did like you. I just
Speaker 1: didn't like this one comment you made and you were basic.
Speaker 1: But that doesn't that's just me being jealous that you
Speaker 1: have like families and lives that are like predictable and
Speaker 1: mine is not. And so I have to make yours
Speaker 1: seem worse to me because I'm jealous of it. Okay,
Speaker 1: So it's really it's out of love and jealousy. That's
Speaker 1: where it's coming from. Yeah, it's not hate. But I
Speaker 1: did not like this, and I think everyone can be better.
Speaker 1: And I only didn't like this because I do it
Speaker 1: sometimes too, and I think we can all be better.
Speaker 1: And so please just know if you're listening to this,
Speaker 1: somehow made it to your ears. Ladies. And by the way,
Speaker 1: when I told them I didn't have kids, they go,
Speaker 1: we have a friend Steven downstairs you should meet, and
Speaker 1: I go, I didn't say I didn't have a boyfriend.
Speaker 1: It's not like I'll steal. It's so funny to me.
Speaker 1: They just assumed I was single because I don't have kids.
Speaker 1: There's a guy down there who would love to give
Speaker 1: you kids right now. Yeah, I love to come outside
Speaker 1: see Martin. Yeah, And so they go. One of them asked,
Speaker 1: the other one, is your husband a swifty?
Speaker 4: Like?
Speaker 1: Is is Brian? Does he like Taylor Swift? And she
Speaker 1: was like, well, you know, he doesn't have a choice.
Speaker 1: I'm listening to it all the time, and he acts
Speaker 1: like he's annoyed, but I see him like the other
Speaker 1: night we were listening to nineteen eighty nine all night long,
Speaker 1: and then later on I heard him saying, like singing
Speaker 1: to himself, I was excited to meet you and the
Speaker 1: song is enchanted and it's I am enchanted. I wasn't
Speaker 1: chanted to meet you, but Brian said excited, and she
Speaker 1: goes and I said to him, excited you think she's
Speaker 1: She just said excited, it's enchanted excited. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: like or why would she be excited to meet someone?
Speaker 1: It's like, shame this guy. I'm like, why would you
Speaker 1: have that response to your boyfriend who has tolerating this
Speaker 1: music that he is not prone to listen to. He's finally,
Speaker 1: he's finally becoming a swiftie. Why would you discourage him
Speaker 1: by berating him and being like, you're so cool? Because
Speaker 1: you know the lyrics, by the way, enchanted and excited
Speaker 1: aren't not synonyms. You could eventually get to them. It's
Speaker 1: not crazy. It's the same amount of symbols. It is
Speaker 1: the same letter. And I was very, very annoyed that
Speaker 1: she discouraged because if I got lyrics wrong to something
Speaker 1: and someone who loved this person was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's enchanted, not excited, you fucking idiot, you fucking retart,
Speaker 1: or whatever, they would say to me, like this tone
Speaker 1: that this woman had with her husband. But by the way,
Speaker 1: divorce her immediately if this is you, Brian, because she's
Speaker 1: not you Brian, but like this guy that she was
Speaker 1: talking about, like, I was just like, I hope that
Speaker 1: he leaves her because this was so mean. Why wouldn't
Speaker 1: she go, oh my god, that's like if Chris did that.
Speaker 1: I would be like, Babe, I love that you are
Speaker 1: singing it that way, Like, let's change it. Let's now sings.
Speaker 1: Let's call that song excited, and let's like make shirts
Speaker 1: that say excited, Like I would make it a thing.
Speaker 1: I would, because don't you want to bring your partner
Speaker 1: into something you love instead of berating him and shaming
Speaker 1: him for getting it wrong.
Speaker 2: It's also fun to make up the lyrics to songs.
Speaker 2: I'd sing the songs around all the time. I would
Speaker 2: be like, it's in it's uh egg plant to potatoes,
Speaker 2: and I would just be singing that over and over
Speaker 2: again in the kitchen while I'm cooking.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a hit. I'm sure she was virtue signal,
Speaker 3: or like not virtue signally. She was creating formatively saying
Speaker 3: this to her friend to prove just what.
Speaker 1: A swifty she was. Make swifty yeah, even that is
Speaker 1: like just be not like I just want everyone as
Speaker 1: someone who came into football with no knowledge of it
Speaker 1: and honestly probably didn't want to even learn about football
Speaker 1: because I was so ashamed of how far behind I was.
Speaker 1: That's the kind of thing that I was scared of
Speaker 1: getting met with when I didn't understand things. Is like
Speaker 1: what you thought it was.
Speaker 2: This, It's that like football fans are just much more
Speaker 2: welcoming than swifties. That's just what it comes down to, and.
Speaker 1: Not general like generally swifties. I think like swifties. I'm
Speaker 1: not just talking to swooties. I'm talking to anyone about
Speaker 1: anything where you're the expert and it's your thing when
Speaker 1: someone is trying or it's like absorbing and they're getting
Speaker 1: it a little bit right, like encourage them, don't like
Speaker 1: shame them about it. So I just like felt so
Speaker 1: bad for this guy. And and by the way, Ki
Speaker 1: kick that your big stance and like you are making
Speaker 1: such a big joke of your husband getting a word
Speaker 1: slightly wrong, Like this is what made me be like
Speaker 1: these women need to quit drinking and need to get
Speaker 1: more better personalities and add more interesting things to talk about,
Speaker 1: because this is not interesting.
Speaker 4: It wasn't funny that like the irony is that you
Speaker 4: have a great motherly quality. That is such a great
Speaker 4: quality to have as a mother, to like teach kids
Speaker 4: without judging them.
Speaker 2: You should go me with thank you.
Speaker 1: That's so nice. I don't want to play with them,
Speaker 1: but I do want to teach them that it's okay
Speaker 1: to make mistakes as long as you're eager to learn.
Speaker 1: And like this poor guy like liked this song, and
Speaker 1: you know he'll never hum another fucking to enjoy Taylor
Speaker 1: Swift ever. Again, it's done. It's done for him. So
Speaker 1: encourage people to fuck up if they're trying to like
Speaker 1: a thing that you are such an expert on, because
Speaker 1: you that are once when SE came to that whatever
Speaker 1: these poor women, I know this is gonna get back
Speaker 1: to them. There's gonna be someone who connected that they
Speaker 1: were getting ready in a gym. My friends got ready
Speaker 1: in the gym this weekend in New Orleans. I gotta
Speaker 1: send this podcast to them. Don't do that. That's so mean.
Speaker 1: Don't do that to your friend either. That's a mean
Speaker 1: thing to do. I'm sorry if those are you, But
Speaker 1: and you probably were exaggerating the story to be funnier,
Speaker 1: which I've done before too, And I'm probably exaggerating this
Speaker 1: story for it to be funnier, and it's not. So
Speaker 1: we've all been there, but like that, really I just
Speaker 1: felt for that man where it's like, just don't be
Speaker 1: a mean woman.
Speaker 2: That's that's true.
Speaker 1: It Like I felt like I was watching like an
Speaker 1: episode of Yes Dear or something, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like we're like where it's like in the nineties, every
Speaker 1: woman was just like, uh, my dumb husband, Like it
Speaker 1: may it really ruins the idea of marriage to me,
Speaker 1: watching like tool Time or whatever home improvement. Oh my god.
Speaker 1: Sean O'Connor said the funniest thing this weekend when I
Speaker 1: was talking about I was talking about, like if I
Speaker 1: make my own TV show, like you know, like I
Speaker 1: think I said this the other day about nobody wants this,
Speaker 1: Like it was irritating to me to watch Nobody wants
Speaker 1: this because she's the host of a podcast, and I've
Speaker 1: thought about making a TV show where I'm the host
Speaker 1: of a podcast and people are like, you can't do that.
Speaker 1: It's already been done on Sex and the City, you
Speaker 1: can't do that again, And it's like, yes, you can,
Speaker 1: like you can do anything. And he goes because I
Speaker 1: was like, I'm tired of trying to come up with
Speaker 1: like jobs for my character that I would never do,
Speaker 1: you know, like I'm going to be a host of something,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be in entertainment, Like I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: be the owner of a gift shop at the mall
Speaker 1: or what you know, Like that's just not if I'm
Speaker 1: gonna play a character that's me, that's not gonna be
Speaker 1: a good show because it's not gonna be what I
Speaker 1: would do anyway. And he said, yeah, like for like
Speaker 1: you know, Tim, like that's why Seinfeld worked. Like they
Speaker 1: just made him a comedian because that's he wasn't trying
Speaker 1: to be anything else, which was a really kind of
Speaker 1: novel thing to do back then to have like a
Speaker 1: show about a comedian, because it was every every comedian
Speaker 1: that had a show about themselves would just like make
Speaker 1: a new job up. And he was like, like, Tim Allen,
Speaker 1: they made him the host of a tool show, which
Speaker 1: is not even a thing. I was like, it's so funny,
Speaker 1: that's so true. They made up this like genre of
Speaker 1: show that doesn't even exist, just so Tim Allen could
Speaker 1: have a job that wasn't stand up comedian, even though
Speaker 1: that's like what they were trying to what can we
Speaker 1: plug him into where he tells jokes? Oh, a comedy
Speaker 1: tool show.
Speaker 3: And it was so effective, like so many people thought
Speaker 3: he actually did that.
Speaker 1: Dude, it it. I thought that was like they yesterday,
Speaker 1: it was like Bob Vila this old house, but there
Speaker 1: wasn't like a live audience tool show, improven show where
Speaker 1: there was like a where there was a guy that
Speaker 1: was just making jokes the whole time. Like so it's
Speaker 1: and I don't even know what I was trying to
Speaker 1: get with this, but like, yeah, I guess I was
Speaker 1: excited to meet you guys or enchanted whatever it is,
Speaker 1: I guess that's our show. Check out Anya's album Asteroid Out,
Speaker 1: available now on your Marina dot com. Get a girl
Speaker 1: Shit t shirt. See us on tour the dates that
Speaker 1: I need to plug where you guys are not buying
Speaker 1: tickets to which it's so nice that I don't have
Speaker 1: to plug dates anymore. You guys are coming out in
Speaker 1: full force. I'm adding shows just at in New York City,
Speaker 1: added Chicago Theater, second show, like these are huge venues
Speaker 1: that I the first time around, I was like, couldn't
Speaker 1: even sell out and now I'm selling two shows. It's like,
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful, thank you so much. But the towns
Speaker 1: where I need to promote Memphis, and that's the twenty
Speaker 1: third I believe with November Memphis, come on out for that.
Speaker 1: Their tickets still available that I need to push. And
Speaker 1: then this weekend in Tulsa, I think there are tickets
Speaker 1: that one isn't selling as well. I mean, I guess
Speaker 1: that's just like in Oklahoma, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and that is
Speaker 1: going to be on I think that's Friday, right Anya, We're.
Speaker 3: In Oklahoma City on Friday, and then.
Speaker 1: On Saturday, So Tulsa, I think Oklahoma City is probably
Speaker 1: close to sold out or sold out. And then Tulsa
Speaker 1: their tickets available this weekend. If you know someone in Tulsa,
Speaker 1: don't send her this deer friend if she got ready
Speaker 1: at the gym in New Orleans for eras and yeah,
Speaker 1: and then check them all my tour dates Niki Glaizer
Speaker 1: dot com. So many new ones added, besties coming out
Speaker 1: to shows. The Oh yeah, I'm going to Australia and
Speaker 1: New Zealand this summer. Fucking Nottstuwed I'm so excited for
Speaker 1: that tour I can't believe I'm going to a place
Speaker 1: I've literally never performed stand up comedy. Wow, and that
Speaker 1: there are going to be people who know me there
Speaker 1: that come out to shows.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, they're gonna love me.
Speaker 1: NOI why what I'm saying to that? And then I
Speaker 1: just want to thank the besties that have listened to
Speaker 1: every single episode of every podcast I've ever done. I
Speaker 1: forget your names now, but you came to the show
Speaker 1: this weekend in Fort Myers. I'm so sorry I forgot
Speaker 1: your names. You were so amazing. I loved hugging you,
Speaker 1: I loved seeing you. You made T shirts that had
Speaker 1: a reference to something from high school that like I
Speaker 1: sent to my girl like my girlfriends from high school,
Speaker 1: and they could not believe a T shirt got made
Speaker 1: with a reference to Jay Holly is the biggest fucking
Speaker 1: all of Fort Myers. I'll just leave it at that.
Speaker 1: Like Jay Holly himself, I told him that and he said,
Speaker 1: oh my god, Like you blew people's minds this weekend's
Speaker 1: girls with those shirts that you made me in the
Speaker 1: hat you made me, Thank you so much to every
Speaker 1: bestie that comes out. You don't need to bring me gifts,
Speaker 1: but man that that really was like so funny. I
Speaker 1: love seeing you guys. I love you and thanks for listening.
Speaker 1: Don't be good bye. The Nicky Glazer Podcast is a
Speaker 1: production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Podcasts.
Speaker 1: Created and hosted by me Nicki Glazer, co hosted by
Speaker 1: Brian Frangie, Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Hans Sonny and
Speaker 1: Noah Avior. Edited it engineered by Lean and Loaf, video
Speaker 1: production Mark Canton and music by Anya Marina. You can
Speaker 1: now watch full episodes of the Nicki Glazer podcast on YouTube,
Speaker 1: follow at Nicki Glazer Pod and subscribe to our channel