Speaker 1: Hello.
Speaker 2: Hi. What's your name?
Speaker 1: My name is John.
Speaker 2: What's up John? How's life?
Speaker 1: I'm living the dream? How are you doing? Gek Oh?
Speaker 2: What's the dream?
Speaker 1: Oh? I'm I'm studying geology right now. I used to
Speaker 1: be in the US Army and I get paid to,
Speaker 1: uh look at rocks.
Speaker 2: Has that always been your dream? To look at rocks?
Speaker 1: Uh? No, not really, just the preface, And I don't
Speaker 1: want to be rude. I was esoteric Bush in the chat,
Speaker 1: which you might have noticed. I have seen many of
Speaker 1: your edited podcasts, but this was the first live stream
Speaker 1: that I uh called into and I wanted to talk
Speaker 1: to you.
Speaker 2: For those who are currently listening to the edited podcast
Speaker 2: to give some context. And I don't actually remember why,
Speaker 2: but I yelled at you in the chat. You chatted something,
Speaker 2: and I yelled at you for what you chatted something.
Speaker 1: I said something to the effect of you sound like
Speaker 1: you're saying something that you're actually saying about yourself.
Speaker 2: Oh. I don't know why I was lying to you.
Speaker 2: I don't know why I yelled at you, but we
Speaker 2: can we can move that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I apologize, and I I meant no offense. I
Speaker 1: this is my first live stream. I I wanted to
Speaker 1: talk to you about a couple of things, mainly substance abuse,
Speaker 1: and I wanted to tell a story.
Speaker 2: Okay, do you want to tell the story first, or
Speaker 2: is the substance abuse related to that.
Speaker 1: I think the substance abuse is preliminary to the story.
Speaker 1: Growing up, my mother was a hoarder and she was
Speaker 1: very neglectful of me. My father was around, but he
Speaker 1: worked twelve hour shifts. He was never around. And starting
Speaker 1: around the age of twelve or thirteen, she started giving
Speaker 1: me hydrocodone unprompted. She would just like put a pill
Speaker 1: in my hand and tell me to take it. And
Speaker 1: that went on for a few months, and after a
Speaker 1: while I became physically addicted to it. And she would
Speaker 1: entice me to do chores around the house by saying,
Speaker 1: if you do this, I'll give you a hydro. This
Speaker 1: worked the way up to oxy cotton. She started giving
Speaker 1: me oxyes around the age of sixteen. I remember I
Speaker 1: would dig through her bag and she had like three
Speaker 1: bags that she constantly carried with her. She had like
Speaker 1: two purses in her medicine bag. She had a bag
Speaker 1: full of medicine, and she entrusted me with the medicine
Speaker 1: bag because she had never caught me going through it.
Speaker 1: She had caught my father going through it, because she
Speaker 1: would do the same thing to my father and let
Speaker 1: me know, if I'm going.
Speaker 2: On too long, just say whatever you want.
Speaker 1: So I became heavily addicted to opiates at a like
Speaker 1: mid teenagers age. I started stealing them from her and
Speaker 1: dealing them at my high school. That's the thing I'm
Speaker 1: actually least proud about. I only did that twice, and
Speaker 1: eventually one day I owed the I didn't die. It
Speaker 1: was a mild od and I remember thinking that I
Speaker 1: was about to die, and I was cool with it,
Speaker 1: like I wasn't worried. I was like, yeah, I'm about
Speaker 1: to die, that's fine. And then I woke up. That's
Speaker 1: when I swore off opiates. I didn't let her give
Speaker 1: me any more opiates after that, I refuse them. I
Speaker 1: had sears after that. I started smoking Kobe's amounts of
Speaker 1: weed at the age of eighteen. It was about three
Speaker 1: months after I turned eighteen. I moved in with my
Speaker 1: older half brother. He was nineteen years old when I
Speaker 1: was born. My mother was forty one when she had me.
Speaker 1: I moved in with him He was also abusive, albeit
Speaker 1: less so and in a different way. He was more
Speaker 1: so physically abusive, and I was the only other really
Speaker 1: male in the household that posed any threat to him,
Speaker 1: and he would antagonize me. Fortunately I was bigger than him,
Speaker 1: so it was more so just depressing and stressful. I
Speaker 1: moved back to my hometown in Louisiana at the age
Speaker 1: of nineteen, stayed there for six months, joined the army.
Speaker 1: I was in the Army for four years, and I
Speaker 1: became an alcoholic there. I became an alcoholic because that's
Speaker 1: just what you do in the army. I remember I
Speaker 1: had a military ball where I was on flag duty,
Speaker 1: flag guard, color guard, excuse me, it was color guard,
Speaker 1: and I was holding the American colors and I was
Speaker 1: so drunk on returning the colors that I stabbed the
Speaker 1: spade of the American colors into the sea feeling above,
Speaker 1: and we had dry wall rained down upon us, and
Speaker 1: everybody just laughed because they thought I was just a mistake,
Speaker 1: but it was actually because I was drunk. Ever since then,
Speaker 1: I've struggled with alcoholism. There was a time where I
Speaker 1: was prescribed opiates when I was in the army. I
Speaker 1: took some and I remember the way that I felt,
Speaker 1: and I flushed the rest down the toilet, which I
Speaker 1: know is not good practice, but it was just immediate.
Speaker 1: It was an immediate reaction. Continuing onwards, I am studying
Speaker 1: college right now. This is my last semester, and I mean,
Speaker 1: I guess the main impetus for this story is I
Speaker 1: had been single for four years at the age of
Speaker 1: twenty six. I had a girlfriend, a long term girlfriend
Speaker 1: in the army. Actually, I had a fiancee in the
Speaker 1: army that i'd been with for a year and a half.
Speaker 1: We broke up because their family didn't like me and
Speaker 1: I was an alcoholic. I had a long term girlfriend,
Speaker 1: two year long girlfriend, whom we broke up with, less
Speaker 1: because of my alcoholism and more because we moved apart.
Speaker 1: I was actually in a good place at that time.
Speaker 1: I went to college and for some reason I started
Speaker 1: freaking to an extreme amount because my very second semester
Speaker 1: was when COVID began. I started college and the fall
Speaker 1: semester of twenty nineteen, and then COVID began in March
Speaker 1: of twenty twenty, so on and so forth. I've been
Speaker 1: single up until that time. I met a woman that
Speaker 1: had been ten years older than me on discord on
Speaker 1: a comedy server that I was absolutely smitten with. And
Speaker 1: this had nothing to do with them.
Speaker 2: What kind of comedy server, comedy podcast server?
Speaker 1: Okay, I don't want to be too specific.
Speaker 2: That's right, all right? So you met this woman on the.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and this this is all leading up to, like
Speaker 1: basically the most embarrassing moment in my life. I uh,
Speaker 1: I met this woman on a comedy discord server podcast
Speaker 1: discord server, and I flew out to California to go
Speaker 1: meet her. And the first two days when outstanding. We
Speaker 1: were talking about getting married and this this is way
Speaker 1: too soon, but it was.
Speaker 2: How long had you how long had you been talking?
Speaker 2: How long had you been talking with this woman before
Speaker 2: you two met?
Speaker 1: About a year? Okay, it was it was stupid. It
Speaker 1: was no, I admit it was very, very stupid, and
Speaker 1: it was foolish on my part. But here's the kicker.
Speaker 1: On the third day, when I was supposed to wake
Speaker 1: up early to take an uber to the airport, I
Speaker 1: woke up and there was sun beaming in through the
Speaker 1: uh like the blinds, and I immediately knew I fucked up.
Speaker 1: And it was too late. I checked my phone. It
Speaker 1: was five thirty. Uh five thirty was the exact minute
Speaker 1: my flight took off. And then I noticed something. I
Speaker 1: had been drinking bud light with her the night prior,
Speaker 1: and I was wet and I realized I had pissed myself.
Speaker 1: I pissed myself and I I found her awaken her
Speaker 1: guest room. She was furious at me, and I spent
Speaker 1: the rest of the day trying to make amends. I
Speaker 1: cleaned everything up, I uh, I tried to make her dinner.
Speaker 1: I tried to do everything I could good and she
Speaker 1: told me after I had basically fixed everything, and she
Speaker 1: said that she was okay with me, and I kind
Speaker 1: of buried the lead. The night prior, I I made
Speaker 1: a she like trauma dumped on me, and then I
Speaker 1: trauma dumped on her and I cried in front of her,
Speaker 1: and she told me that she could never be with
Speaker 1: me because I cried in front of her. So simultaneously
Speaker 1: I'm asking, like, how do I deal with substance abuse
Speaker 1: and how do I handle like a statement like that,
Speaker 1: Like I I don't know what to think about it,
Speaker 1: and I don't know how much I know. I have
Speaker 1: some no large amount of guilt because I fucked a
Speaker 1: lot of things up. But her main point wasn't that
Speaker 1: I got too drunk. It was that I cried in
Speaker 1: front of her. Was sorry, I know that's a lot.
Speaker 2: Hey man, you're all good, You're all good, all right,
Speaker 2: all right, this was this the first time you'd gotten
Speaker 2: drunk in a long time.
Speaker 1: At that time, yeah, yeah, I had been sober for
Speaker 1: a while. I remember she picked me up from the
Speaker 1: airport and the very first thing that we did was
Speaker 1: we went to a Trader Joe's because I said that
Speaker 1: I wanted to cook for her. I wanted to make
Speaker 1: her Jambaliah. And she knew I had been sober for
Speaker 1: a while. And I immediately saw while I was there
Speaker 1: that she bought like whiskey and like cut water, Marguerita cutwater.
Speaker 1: And I was nervous about it. And we got there
Speaker 1: and she said like, like, you're on vacation, let loose.
Speaker 1: And I'm not blaming her, because ultimately it was my
Speaker 1: own inability to remain sober.
Speaker 3: But I.
Speaker 1: Just thought, I'm gonna have a good time. And then
Speaker 1: I I didn't realize how much of my tolerance I
Speaker 1: had lost, and.
Speaker 3: I was an idiot, How long goes this?
Speaker 1: This was in May of last year?
Speaker 2: May have last year? Okay, so May twenty.
Speaker 1: Two, twenty twenty three, twitch.
Speaker 2: They okay, and you're twenty seven, right yeah, okay. So
Speaker 2: you said, how do I deal with that statement? Right?
Speaker 1: Yeah? That? And it's a two part combination, because I
Speaker 1: know I told you my little backstory, I in combination.
Speaker 1: I don't know how to handle moving on past that statement,
Speaker 1: and I don't know how to handle a life remaining
Speaker 1: sober again. Because so.
Speaker 2: Let's tackle this one thing at a time, because the
Speaker 2: substance abuse thing is a uh whole other issue that
Speaker 2: I certainly do not have a full answer for. But
Speaker 2: I'm down to talking that. It's not but I'm down
Speaker 2: to talk about it. I'm down to talk about.
Speaker 1: It with you.
Speaker 2: But let's start with let's but but let's let's start
Speaker 2: with the first one. And you said, how do I
Speaker 2: deal with that statement? So, I mean, I have a
Speaker 2: ton of thoughts about that statement, But first I want
Speaker 2: to understand your interpretation. I want to understand how that
Speaker 2: made you feel. And and and and she and this
Speaker 2: is you know, many months ago, and it still sounds,
Speaker 2: it still stings, and you're still embarrassed by it and
Speaker 2: you still feel it, and I want to and I
Speaker 2: and I just want to and before I give you
Speaker 2: my thoughts, I want to know why. And I want
Speaker 2: to know what your reactions to that statement are. About
Speaker 2: her saying that she couldn't love you because you cried.
Speaker 1: I would say, at first, it made me, It made
Speaker 1: me feel worthless, like it made me feel like I
Speaker 1: could never It was always a fear of mine. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like I like my ex fiance, I had a long
Speaker 1: term girlfriend. I cried in front of both of them
Speaker 1: and they never brought it up. But I was always
Speaker 1: scared that they viewed me lesser because of it. And
Speaker 1: I'm I'm not some stallwart bastion of masculinity, like I
Speaker 1: know when to hold down the fork for lack of
Speaker 1: a better term. But to me, that's part of a
Speaker 1: relationship is that you can be emotional with one another.
Speaker 1: And I was always scared that you couldn't be because
Speaker 1: you were viewed as staying non masculine. But no, I
Speaker 1: so that was always a fear of mine. It was
Speaker 1: just a lingering fear, and no woman had ever mentioned
Speaker 1: that to me. And then suddenly I know it sounds weird,
Speaker 1: but this woman was much older than me, and she
Speaker 1: was very attractive, and she was like in She wasn't
Speaker 1: famous herself, but she was friends with like celebrities. I
Speaker 1: know that sounds stupid, but she was like prestigious and
Speaker 1: she had taken a liking to me, and I had
Speaker 1: such a high regard for her that when I heard
Speaker 1: her say that, it just totally demolished my self worth.
Speaker 1: Almost a year from now, I realize it. Oh no,
Speaker 1: she's not a good person, because I've seen other instances
Speaker 1: of her behavior harming others. But it's still lingering.
Speaker 2: You know, Hey, folks, this is Lyle. I am very
Speaker 2: excited to announce that I am going back on tour
Speaker 2: in twenty twenty four to do Therapy Gecko Live all
Speaker 2: across the country. If you've never been to one of
Speaker 2: my live shows before, they are extra dreamingly fun, unpredictable,
Speaker 2: wild evenings that involve a mix of group Gecko therapy
Speaker 2: sessions as well as some material and presentations from myself.
Speaker 2: And if you've been to the show before, I have
Speaker 2: new presentations and will of course be interviewing new people.
Speaker 2: If you're a fan of the podcast, you're gonna have
Speaker 2: a great time at the live show, so I hope
Speaker 2: to see you guys there. Go to therapy geckotour dot
Speaker 2: com or check the link in the episode description for
Speaker 2: a full list of cities where tickets are available. Also,
Speaker 2: if you don't see your city on the list of cities,
Speaker 2: please still click the link and RSVP with your phone
Speaker 2: number so I can contact you when tickets go on
Speaker 2: sale for your city, because I'm going to announce a
Speaker 2: bunch more dates very soon. Geck Bluss, John I, I
Speaker 2: I I have so much that I want to say,
Speaker 2: and I'm trying to find the right way to properly
Speaker 2: express it to you. First and foremost, a hm hm
Speaker 2: in a relationship like a like, especially somebody who is like, hey,
Speaker 2: let's fucking get married. Yeah, you know, if you're gonna,
Speaker 2: if you're if somebody loves you, you know that that
Speaker 2: sharing of of your emotions purely and openly is necessary.
Speaker 2: You know, this idea that you're in a relationship with
Speaker 2: somebody that you love and you trust and they're your
Speaker 2: person and you can't cry in front of them, that's wild,
Speaker 2: that's wild. And I don't know what's up with this woman.
Speaker 2: I don't know why she said that to you, And
Speaker 2: I think it's mean. It's really mean to go to
Speaker 2: somebody into an emotional exchange and then look down upon
Speaker 2: them for opening up. And I think in a relationship
Speaker 2: you got you. You try as hard as you can
Speaker 2: to be open and vulnerable emotionally, and the idea that
Speaker 2: you would try to hide that from somebody who claims
Speaker 2: they love you is wild.
Speaker 1: Man.
Speaker 2: And so I know that this is not going to
Speaker 2: be a band aid, but if you're asking me, I
Speaker 2: just want you to rewire your brain to unlearn whatever
Speaker 2: low self esteem this woman has given you, because it's
Speaker 2: from a it's not from a real place. Do you
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I am.
Speaker 2: You shouldn't ever you shouldn't ever feel like you can't cry,
Speaker 2: or like you can't life is so fucking short, John.
Speaker 2: You shouldn't ever feel like you can't express yourself, like
Speaker 2: you can't express your emotions to somebody that you love
Speaker 2: and trust. And if you feel like you can't, then
Speaker 2: that person doesn't love you.
Speaker 1: You know, I no, I.
Speaker 2: And and that's not and John, and John, and and please, dear, please,
Speaker 2: if you can get anything out of this phone call, like, dude,
Speaker 2: please don't. I don't know if this is how you're thinking,
Speaker 2: but please don't let this be a knock to your
Speaker 2: self esteem. Please don't run around thinking, oh, I'm not
Speaker 2: a man because I cried, or oh I fucked that up,
Speaker 2: you know, or like, don't do you. I don't know
Speaker 2: if you I don't know if that's how you're feeling.
Speaker 2: But just like and I don't, I don't. I don't
Speaker 2: know if I can get you to not feel that
Speaker 2: way by saying this, but like, don't feel that way.
Speaker 1: I understand where you're coming from, and I agree with you,
Speaker 1: but there's like a difference between like knowing something and
Speaker 1: realizing something.
Speaker 2: What do you mean by what does that mean?
Speaker 1: Like I know in my heart of hearts that I'm
Speaker 1: not lesser because of that, but like I don't realize that,
Speaker 1: like I still feel lesser than and it's hard getting
Speaker 1: That's been the hardest thing in my life, Like I've
Speaker 1: mentioned it, Like I know alcohol is bad for me.
Speaker 1: I know I should quit drinking, but getting to that
Speaker 1: point where like I'm capable of realizing that it's just
Speaker 1: so difficult because I I think I can make excuses,
Speaker 1: So I mean do me.
Speaker 2: A favor for a second. If we take the alcohol
Speaker 2: out of it and we just focus on, like the
Speaker 2: self astume part, why do you feel lesser.
Speaker 1: Than I don't? Because I had invested so much in her?
Speaker 1: Uh huh I And this sounds stupid. She was one
Speaker 1: of the only organic relationships that I had, And what
Speaker 1: I mean by that is that even though we had
Speaker 1: met online, it wasn't for a dating app. Practically every
Speaker 1: woman I've been with has been through a dating app.
Speaker 1: This was just a woman who liked me.
Speaker 2: Okay, But so let me ask you this, and you know,
Speaker 2: there's no shame in this answer, whatever it is, if
Speaker 2: you want to share it. But why do you feel
Speaker 2: like you invested so heavily in this woman? What were
Speaker 2: you What was driving that investment? What did you feel
Speaker 2: like she was gonna help you with or fail in
Speaker 2: your life that caused you to invest so heavily.
Speaker 1: That because she was older than me, I would somehow
Speaker 1: feel compelled to get my shit together. And this sounds stupid,
Speaker 1: But I knew that she had wanted kids, and she
Speaker 1: was thirty six. I was twenty six, and I thought, well,
Speaker 1: if I'm going to be with this woman, I have
Speaker 1: to get my shit together now. And I was thinking that, well,
Speaker 1: if I invest myself in this woman, I could have
Speaker 1: like some reason to live like very soon, which I
Speaker 1: know sounds silly.
Speaker 2: I want I want to stop you real quick, because
Speaker 2: you keep saying this sounds stupid, This sounds silly, And
Speaker 2: when you say that stuff, it it like a lot
Speaker 2: of the A major theme I'm playing armchair therapist. A
Speaker 2: major theme I'm picking up in our conversation is this
Speaker 2: like shame over vulnerability, right, like you like especially like
Speaker 2: you know, you share yourself to this woman and she
Speaker 2: called you up for crying, and that causes like, oh,
Speaker 2: I feel ashamed of feeling this way, and so you
Speaker 2: you you like preamble your statements by I know this
Speaker 2: sounds silly. I know this sounds stupid because you're like,
Speaker 2: and I just want I just want to tell you,
Speaker 2: and I don't. I just want to tell you you
Speaker 2: don't have to feel ashamed of your feelings. This is
Speaker 2: just this is just your truth, man, You know what
Speaker 2: I mean. This is this is your truth. It is
Speaker 2: what it is. But you can be open about it.
Speaker 2: You can share it without having to hate yourself for
Speaker 2: having felt the way that you felt like, you don't
Speaker 2: have to hate yourself. You don't have to think you
Speaker 2: suck because you felt this way. You know, so you
Speaker 2: don't have to keep saying this sounds silly, this sounds stupid.
Speaker 2: I know it's ridiculous. It's just the truth, man, this
Speaker 2: is how you felt, and you don't have to beat
Speaker 2: yourself up about it. Yeah, now I help you understand that.
Speaker 1: No, Like when I was a kid, like when I've
Speaker 1: gotten better about doing this individually, like I would always
Speaker 1: say that I'm sorry, Like I would say I'm sorry
Speaker 1: for like somebody would say, oh, like I missed lunch
Speaker 1: and I would say I'm sorry, or like somebody would
Speaker 1: say like, oh, you misunderstood me. I'm sorry. So I
Speaker 1: think I've stopped doing this, and I think that's been
Speaker 1: the natural evolution of that. It's just like I preclude
Speaker 1: all of my statements by saying like, yeah, I don't know,
Speaker 1: Like I just don't feel like my feelings are legitimate and.
Speaker 2: That I.
Speaker 1: Should be more intellectual. I think, I I don't want
Speaker 1: to sound autistic as shit, but it's just like I
Speaker 1: try to function entirely like intellectually, and I just forget that,
Speaker 1: like I have feelings, and like when I have feelings
Speaker 1: that counteract what I know, I just I preamble.
Speaker 2: So so John, I mean so okay. So just to
Speaker 2: go back to, like you felt an investment in this
Speaker 2: woman because you've like it would compel you to get
Speaker 2: your ship together. Yeah, listen, men, here's the thing. I'm
Speaker 2: I'm no addiction specialists. I'm not a I'm a dude
Speaker 2: in a Gecko costume. I don't know anything about any
Speaker 2: of this ship, about the psychology of it, I don't,
Speaker 2: but I have a pretty solid gander of the idea.
Speaker 2: And by the way, I have no uh master and
Speaker 2: understanding this concept. I'm really not, but I know it's there,
Speaker 2: and I know it's proven itself to be there time
Speaker 2: and time again in my own life. And I'm sure
Speaker 2: everyone knows what I'm talking about. But the getting your
Speaker 2: You're never You're never going to be compelled to get
Speaker 2: your ship. Relying on other people to get your shit
Speaker 2: together is it's not going to work, even if they're great,
Speaker 2: you know, I mean, other people can be helpful, but
Speaker 2: the end of the day, you know, you're responsible for
Speaker 2: like solving your own problems and so and so all
Speaker 2: this stuff. And I think all this stuff is good
Speaker 2: because it puts the agency back in your hands. And
Speaker 2: I hope you understand that, and I hope you feel
Speaker 2: empowered by that because the agency is back in your hands. Right,
Speaker 2: nothing that this woman has said or done to you
Speaker 2: can stop you from getting your own life together.
Speaker 1: You know, right, You're right, and you.
Speaker 2: Should feel really good about having that agency in your
Speaker 2: in your hands. You should feel happy about that, and
Speaker 2: you should feel optimistic about that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, do you know I I don't know.
Speaker 2: Let me ask you this, and well, how often are
Speaker 2: you drinking these days? And by the way, I don't
Speaker 2: know shit about alcoholism and all this stuff, but I'm
Speaker 2: down to talk talk it through with you a little bit.
Speaker 2: How often are you drinking? I?
Speaker 1: Uh, every other day.
Speaker 2: You ever been to a A? No, You've never been
Speaker 2: to a.
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: She got a A I've been to. I've been to
Speaker 2: I've been to o A before. I've been to a
Speaker 2: few a's and there, there's there, there, there, they're good stuff.
Speaker 2: You should give it a try.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just always been kind of weary about the
Speaker 1: like cult tea.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, no, it's really it's really I'm
Speaker 2: not fucking religious. No, it's uh, it's not particularly it's
Speaker 2: not like religious or anything. It's really just a room
Speaker 2: full of people who have the same problem as you,
Speaker 2: which is incredibly helpful.
Speaker 1: No, man, No, I'm sorry. I know I've dragged on
Speaker 1: my call for way too long.
Speaker 2: John, You're all good. If I wanted to hang up
Speaker 2: on you, I would have. But I've been enjoying talking
Speaker 2: to you about this stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, thank you. Before I go, can I tell
Speaker 1: a mildly inappropriate story from the army?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess I just before you do that. I
Speaker 2: I don't know, man. I know I'm not a real therapist,
Speaker 2: and I know that one phone call is not going
Speaker 2: to change your life. But yeah, dude, is there any
Speaker 2: thing else in this situation that you wanted to talk
Speaker 2: through or any other way? Like I can. I can
Speaker 2: as another human being on the earth, I can can
Speaker 2: be helpful to you over the phone.
Speaker 1: There's an additional aspect to this story that I don't
Speaker 1: feel comfortable talking about, like a live stream. Uh. I'll
Speaker 1: let you take that as you will. And that was
Speaker 1: in conjunction with that woman. She trauma dumped on me,
Speaker 1: I trauma dumped on her. I'll let you guess what
Speaker 1: I dumped on her because I didn't mention it. I
Speaker 1: am mostly okay now, mainly because my mother is dead.
Speaker 1: So I h that was like a lot of release
Speaker 1: of tension. Beyond that, Uh, I don't know, you know, would.
Speaker 2: You and I'll want I don't want to. I don't
Speaker 2: want to keep bothering you. I really don't. I have
Speaker 2: a lot of by the way, I just want I
Speaker 2: want you to know. I I tying back into the
Speaker 2: theme of of of or I made one of the
Speaker 2: themes of this whole call is I appreciate you being uh,
Speaker 2: you know, open and honest and vulnerable about all this stuff.
Speaker 2: And I don't think you should stop doing that, and
Speaker 2: I don't think you should feel shamed for doing that.
Speaker 2: But I want to ask you this, and I won't
Speaker 2: bother you again about it, but I would you consider,
Speaker 2: you know, seeing a specialist of some kind or at
Speaker 2: least going to AA or doing making some kind of
Speaker 2: you saw a specialist, I.
Speaker 1: Saw a specialist. I saw like four while I was
Speaker 1: in the army. The only guy that actually helped me
Speaker 1: out at all was a dude that he admitted to
Speaker 1: doing acid to me and his no like he was
Speaker 1: a therapist, and he was like, I've done acid, and
Speaker 1: I was like, I've done acid too, and we talked
Speaker 1: about it at length, and we just talked about being
Speaker 1: on acid for entire first like meeting, and then I
Speaker 1: trusted him entirely after that.
Speaker 2: Was he helpful in helping you with the alcohol?
Speaker 1: It was actually less extreme at that point. And I
Speaker 1: wasn't open about my alcoholism while I was in the
Speaker 1: army because being open about alcoholism in the army, I
Speaker 1: had a clearance. I don't want to say what kind,
Speaker 1: But if I had even mentioned having an out like
Speaker 1: a clearance in mentioning alcoholism, I would have lost my job.
Speaker 1: So I never talked about it.
Speaker 2: So well, I'm rooting for you, man, whatever you decide
Speaker 2: to do, I'm rooting for you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well I don't know. I well, thanks man. I
Speaker 1: know I probably took up a significant amount of your
Speaker 1: podcast time.
Speaker 2: No, I don't go to fuck What was anyone else
Speaker 2: going to talk about? You know, someone is your I
Speaker 2: would rather listen to you than someone telling me about,
Speaker 2: you know, pooping their pants for the thirtieth fucking time.
Speaker 2: So your no apologies necessary? Did you wanted to tell
Speaker 2: a story? Real quick before we go.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's mildly inappropriate. You can just hang up on
Speaker 1: me if like it's nothing gory or violent. It's funny
Speaker 1: and shameful. When I was in the Army, I was
Speaker 1: an officers driver. I was twenty years old, and I
Speaker 1: was driving this captain around like for three weeks straight.
Speaker 1: I was never out of sight, and I eventually, after
Speaker 1: two weeks, being a new bial twenty year old, my
Speaker 1: ball started to hurt really fucking from like lack of
Speaker 1: use and driving a humby because I had barely any
Speaker 1: cushioning and I was sitting down all the time. It
Speaker 1: st me if I'm going in a weird direction. It
Speaker 1: was just this funny anonymous story.
Speaker 2: I go ahead and finish.
Speaker 1: So I decide that I had I had to jerk
Speaker 1: off Like it wasn't a matter of like pleasure, it
Speaker 1: was like a biological necessity because it hurts so fucking bad.
Speaker 1: So I elived at this captain. I told him I
Speaker 1: was going to go take a shit behind a sand dune.
Speaker 1: In reality, I walked out like two hundred meters and
Speaker 1: I walked out behind the sand dune in the deserts
Speaker 1: of El Paso and I sat down and found this
Speaker 1: perfect shrine of sin and rubbed the one out. I
Speaker 1: squose my hog, and as soon as I was done,
Speaker 1: the sound registered to me like a fucking lawnmower. And
Speaker 1: I pull up my trousers real quick, and I do
Speaker 1: a three sixty in search of the sound, to no avail.
Speaker 1: I can't find it. I give up, and I go
Speaker 1: back to my little coum throne and I sit back down.
Speaker 1: And I sit down. I look up. There's a quad
Speaker 1: copter up there with its camera pointed directly at me.
Speaker 1: So somewhere in the government archives it's a drone video
Speaker 1: of me jacking off in the middle of the desert.
Speaker 2: John, I think I think you should write a memoir. Man.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you. I hope that story wasn't too inappropriate.
Speaker 2: No, that story was perfect. Thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, thank you for your time. This is my
Speaker 1: first time tuning into one of your streams. I hope
Speaker 1: you have a good rest of your day.
Speaker 2: You too, Man, I'm sorry I yelled at you in
Speaker 2: the chat earlier.
Speaker 1: No, it's fine, I criticize you. It's okay.
Speaker 2: Take care John, and good luck.
Speaker 1: All right, have a good one.
Speaker 2: Man, tricking off in the middle of the desert. Huh.
Speaker 2: I've tripped off in the middle of a field before,
Speaker 2: but never a desert. Maybe I should try that. I
Speaker 2: hope I hope that after that forty five minute phone call,
Speaker 2: that's not what I that's not like the only thing
Speaker 2: that I picked up, you know. I would hope I
Speaker 2: would hope that I thought about. I would hope I
Speaker 2: got better takeaways from that phone call. I would hope
Speaker 2: we all got better takeaways from that phone call. Then
Speaker 2: I should jerk off in the desert. But you know what,
Speaker 2: if that's all you got, that's fine too. Hello, Hey,
Speaker 2: what's up?
Speaker 3: Oh Hey, how's it going?
Speaker 2: I want I call you John? John? Hey, John, would
Speaker 2: you want to would you want to talk about today? Dog?
Speaker 3: Yeah? So I wrote, I've uh, you know, I've done,
Speaker 3: you know, some drugs here and there in my life,
Speaker 3: and you know, I pretty much got past the heavy
Speaker 3: phase and all that stuff, and I'm you know, older now,
Speaker 3: but occasionally, I, you know, look online and get some
Speaker 3: something different and I don't know what came over me,
Speaker 3: but I decided to try steroids and uh, just on
Speaker 3: a whim. So they're like, it's a mild one. It's oral,
Speaker 3: and I started taking it five days ago. I don't
Speaker 3: work out, I eat junk food, I drink too much
Speaker 3: just to see what would happen? Is that weird? Like
Speaker 3: I'm wondering, like should I be concerned?
Speaker 2: You started taking steroids just for no reason?
Speaker 3: Kind of yeah, Like, well I will I get kind
Speaker 3: of kind of ripped or whatever just by doing nothing
Speaker 3: and sitting around.
Speaker 2: Did that work?
Speaker 3: It's only been like five days, and honestly, like I
Speaker 3: can feel like a difference for sure, But uh uh,
Speaker 3: it's not like super visible or anything.
Speaker 2: Do you anticipate any side effects to doing this?
Speaker 3: I mean I've read about some you know, you can
Speaker 3: you know that can you know your your your balls
Speaker 3: can get small? You can you know like have a
Speaker 3: you know, get angry or whatever. But you know, I
Speaker 3: haven't noticed anything.
Speaker 2: How long do you intend to do.
Speaker 3: This for thirty days?
Speaker 2: Why did you pick thirty days?
Speaker 3: I looked online. I guess some people do it for
Speaker 3: a while and then they stop. Like if you just
Speaker 3: do this all the time, it can be really fucked up.
Speaker 3: So I'm just gonna give it a little shot.
Speaker 2: Okay, do you are you afraid of anything that might
Speaker 2: happen to your body as a result of this test.
Speaker 3: I'm not too afraid. I was just kind of wondering
Speaker 3: if you were a chat new of like anything else,
Speaker 3: because I'm not too scared, but like, shit, like, it's
Speaker 3: kind of weird if.
Speaker 2: You're asking you're asking me a get on the internet,
Speaker 2: if I know about any health negative health effects that
Speaker 2: might come as a result of you taking steroids from No.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and fair enough, I'm not shooting like you know,
Speaker 3: that's like I draw a hard line there, but like
Speaker 3: you are doing mild mild mild oral steroids.
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, I mean probably. I mean if you asked
Speaker 2: me my professional opinion, I would say that's probably not
Speaker 2: a good idea to do that. I mean, yeah, though,
Speaker 2: this is uh, this might be one of the stupidest
Speaker 2: things I've ever heard.
Speaker 1: Drink that's pretty funny.
Speaker 2: Yeah, this might be one of the stupid and and
Speaker 2: you know me, I've heard a lot of stupid things,
Speaker 2: and this is up there the stupidest things I've ever heard.
Speaker 2: Why are you doing this? It's you text the me no, no, no,
Speaker 2: hold on, ask me that you texted me. You said
Speaker 2: I started taking steroids because I thought it would be funny.
Speaker 3: I mean, I just like, you know what happens if
Speaker 3: you do nothing. You just keep like, you know, being
Speaker 3: kind of a piece of shit and like eating whatever,
Speaker 3: and like would it make an effect? Like would it
Speaker 3: have a difference? I don't know.
Speaker 2: This is so dumb. Okay, this is the dumbest thing
Speaker 2: of her. So you're just trying to get it. You're
Speaker 2: trying to get in shape. You're trying to change your body,
Speaker 2: trying to lose weight and get in shape.
Speaker 1: Just to see if it would make an effect.
Speaker 2: I guess yeah, yeah, okay, but it's gonna make an effect.
Speaker 2: It's gonna make your dick smaller, it's gonna make you irritable.
Speaker 2: It's gonna be bad. Why don't you just why don't
Speaker 2: you fucking just eat some lettuce and go to the
Speaker 2: gym instead of taking steroids for no reason?
Speaker 3: That's probably a much better idea.
Speaker 2: Fair enough, don't do the thirty day? Are you gonna
Speaker 2: do the thirty days?
Speaker 3: You got me second guessing it?
Speaker 2: Okay, good, So I'm glad that I've achieved the effect
Speaker 2: for you. Yeah, okay, what is that? Jesus Christ? Uh,
Speaker 2: you don't do it? I do it? Why not see
Speaker 2: what happens be a human guinea pig.
Speaker 3: Oh you know what? All right? You know you got
Speaker 3: me there? Okay, yeah, you know we'll be bad.
Speaker 2: Well, okay, good Jesus Christ. What's what's John? John?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 2: Man?
Speaker 1: Uh?
Speaker 2: Where do you even where do you even get these
Speaker 2: steroids from?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 3: You know the people that you take. Chad knows where
Speaker 3: they get whatever you'd name and you know where it's at.
Speaker 2: Well, John, Okay, if this phone call has resulted in
Speaker 2: you not doing this, I'm I'm happy, Uh that we
Speaker 2: that we did it?
Speaker 3: Excellent? Well, it very well? May so?
Speaker 2: An think I just want to say to the people
Speaker 2: of the computer before we go, I'll bellow I love
Speaker 2: you too. And I don't say that very often because
Speaker 2: it feels weird, but I'll say it to you if
Speaker 2: it will get you to stop doing the stupidest thing
Speaker 2: I've ever heard of anyone doing.
Speaker 3: Sir, I'm glad that I've reached some kind of peak
Speaker 3: for you.
Speaker 2: Take care, man, you took goes on the line taking
Speaker 2: your phone calls every night.
Speaker 1: Every Beacond goes to his eye. He's teaching you loud
Speaker 1: in memory life. He's not really an expert