Speaker 1: Hey everyone, Daisy lighted here. The Daily Show is on
Speaker 1: break for the holidays, but in the meantime we put
Speaker 1: together some special highlights for you. We'll be back in
Speaker 1: the new year on January seventh with all new episodes.
Speaker 2: Why is Taylor Swift really dating Travis Kelsey?
Speaker 1: Is it because they have a genuine emotional connection or
Speaker 1: is it the more obvious reason They're part of a
Speaker 1: top secret CIA operation to reelect Joe Biden and push
Speaker 1: the COVID vaccine on our nation's teenage girls. Well, I've
Speaker 1: been watching Fox News for one thousand, nine and eighty
Speaker 1: nine hours straight, and I'm ready to Fox flame.
Speaker 2: The most dangerous tailor in America since.
Speaker 1: That guy who made Obama's tan suit lo.
Speaker 2: Super Bowl is rigged for the Chiefs.
Speaker 1: Sure seems like something that is like concocted in order
Speaker 1: to accelerate the fame of these two people.
Speaker 3: The Biden administration is working on what they call the
Speaker 3: tailor strategy.
Speaker 1: Taylor Swift quite frankly, does not know that she is
Speaker 1: being utilized in a covert manner, this.
Speaker 4: Fake, carefully crafted show. There's nothing but a sye off.
Speaker 1: Taylor's got a blank space, baby or she'll write in
Speaker 1: the name of dead people on fraudulent ballad stumble and
Speaker 1: Biden's plan just might work because the Swifties are brainwashed.
Speaker 2: They'll do whatever she tells him to do. It's a cult.
Speaker 1: I could go on, but I have to leave in
Speaker 1: ten minutes so I can get a good spot at
Speaker 1: the MAGA rally that's eight.
Speaker 2: Hours from my house.
Speaker 1: Taylor Swift psychologically manipulates thousands of women with her mediocre music.
Speaker 2: It isn't even that good. It's like she literally wrote
Speaker 2: the song about me. Mark my words.
Speaker 1: Joe Brandon only wants Taylor's endorsement in case it helps
Speaker 1: him win the election.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I just blew the lid off this thing.
Speaker 4: Travis Kelcey aka mister Pfizer, some grown man who gets
Speaker 4: paid millions of dollars every year to throw a ball
Speaker 4: around while promoting poison death shot.
Speaker 2: Taylor Swift and mister bud Light Pfizer.
Speaker 1: Who is this Travis Kelcey aka mister aka mister bud
Speaker 1: Light aka mister potato Head. And he also change his
Speaker 1: facial features in genitals. Probably heap politics out of the NFL.
Speaker 1: It's about sports and standing for the national anthem and
Speaker 1: the Air Force fly over funded by.
Speaker 2: The US military.
Speaker 1: The government is clearly forcing Travis and Taylor to date.
Speaker 2: Does this look like a happy relationship to you?
Speaker 1: Please tell me, because I don't know what a happy
Speaker 1: relationship looks like.
Speaker 2: And some people say Taylor Swift is secretly gay.
Speaker 1: Yeah, a secret gagent of the Cigay. Here's how it's
Speaker 1: gonna go. Chiefs win the Super Bowl. Travis proposes to Taylor.
Speaker 1: The wedding invites go out. I don't get one. I
Speaker 1: show up anyway, dressed like the joker.
Speaker 2: I am so done with these two.
Speaker 1: I bought a Travis Kelsey jersey and a cardigan so
Speaker 1: I could burn them, and yeah, that led to me
Speaker 1: burning my house down. So yeah, if you could donate
Speaker 1: to my GoFundMe, that would be really huge for me.
Speaker 2: Four more years, four more years, four more years.
Speaker 1: Patrick Mahomes's Antifa Donald Try has been handed down a
Speaker 1: judgment that is in many ways worse than the death penalty.
Speaker 1: How could this happen in what used to be America?
Speaker 1: I've been watching box News for one hundred and seventy
Speaker 1: five hours straight down from four hundred and sixty four,
Speaker 1: and I'm ready to Fox explain how New York's broad
Speaker 1: case against Trump is the worst bond decision since Quantum
Speaker 1: of Solace.
Speaker 2: First the facts.
Speaker 1: Donald Trump was ordered to pay a staggering four hundred
Speaker 1: and fifty four million dollars to New York City. Just
Speaker 1: to put that in perspective, that's one dollar per person
Speaker 1: that's been murdered on the subway every day. This judge
Speaker 1: was a far left whack job.
Speaker 2: Look at him?
Speaker 4: What is he?
Speaker 1: Hillary Clinton in a Henry Winkler mask. I'm mondy, you cluster.
Speaker 2: Let me tell you something.
Speaker 1: If Trump was a drag queen, New York would be
Speaker 1: giving him four hundred and fifty million dollars. He'd be
Speaker 1: dancing in a public library right now, and he would
Speaker 1: be serving.
Speaker 2: No one can afford a four.
Speaker 1: Hundred and fifty four million dollar bond, I mean except Trump,
Speaker 1: because he's super rich and that amount of money means
Speaker 1: nothing to him, Which brings me to my next point.
Speaker 1: We have to give money to President Trump. Venmo Zell
Speaker 1: Kickstarter put dollar bills in his waistband like a stripper.
Speaker 4: Four hundred and fifty four million dollars bond.
Speaker 1: Ask yourself, how did they come up with this number math?
Speaker 1: Who invented math?
Speaker 2: Muslims? Or was it the Chinese?
Speaker 1: I need to Wikipedia to Babylonians wokesters Ah. The timing
Speaker 1: of all of these cases is a little bit suspicious,
Speaker 1: don't you think?
Speaker 2: For example, is it really a.
Speaker 1: Coincidence that the Democrats waited until after the twenty twenty
Speaker 1: election to prosecute Trump for trying to overturn the twenty
Speaker 1: twenty election?
Speaker 2: Think about it.
Speaker 5: No victims, half a billion dollars.
Speaker 2: There were no victims, There was no money lost.
Speaker 3: There's no victims in any of these cases.
Speaker 1: This is a victimless crime. I mean, it's not like
Speaker 1: you raped anyone. Let's not used that one.
Speaker 4: What kind of lonely existence is this?
Speaker 5: When you you derive your happiness or sorrow based on
Speaker 5: the trials of another person.
Speaker 1: If you're excited by the idea of law locking him up,
Speaker 1: you are sick.
Speaker 3: Black them all.
Speaker 1: You want to know why this is happening? DEI Donald
Speaker 1: election interference? Also black people by.
Speaker 2: Bank of America.
Speaker 1: May I borrow four hundred and fifty four million dollars
Speaker 1: for a friend? Hello Antifa?
Speaker 2: Huh.
Speaker 1: The Babylonians were the first to compute the value of
Speaker 1: pie interesting. Donald Trump weighing in on abortion, saying it
Speaker 1: should be left up to the states.
Speaker 6: The states will determine by vote or legislation, or perhaps both,
Speaker 6: and whatever they decide must be the law of the land.
Speaker 3: Pete talked about compromising, having a heart for other people,
Speaker 3: but also we have to win.
Speaker 1: Abortion is murder ring the Republicans' chances in twenty twenty four.
Speaker 1: So they've developed a perfect newsstance on abortion.
Speaker 4: What is it?
Speaker 1: Well, I've been watching Fox News for eighteen hundred sixty
Speaker 1: four hours straight and I'm ready to foxplain how Donald
Speaker 1: Trump and the GOP have learned to speak sincerely and
Speaker 1: compassionately about this stupid lady's issue. Republicans have principles that
Speaker 1: they will not compromise on unless it's an election. Here,
Speaker 1: I want power. Whichever principles give me power, I choose those.
Speaker 1: So Republicans are learning to moderate because at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, women can vote. Unfortunately, luckily, Republicans are
Speaker 1: led by the perfect spokesman on all issues, lady and.
Speaker 4: Vaginal Donald Trump. Trump ended Roe v.
Speaker 1: Wade that solved the abortion issue nationwide except in like
Speaker 1: forty to forty five states, and Trump is genius to
Speaker 1: send it back to the States.
Speaker 4: One has the.
Speaker 1: State's rights issue ever led to anything.
Speaker 2: Bad in America.
Speaker 1: Donald Trump is pro life, but he's pro choice for states.
Speaker 4: He's pro life.
Speaker 1: Pro I remind those folks that are passionately pro life,
Speaker 1: and I love those folks.
Speaker 4: If we continue to lose.
Speaker 1: Elections we do not get this issue right, we will
Speaker 1: lose elections.
Speaker 4: We love our baby, I love being a mother. But
Speaker 4: what's most important Republicans taking over. His core argument is
Speaker 4: about winning. And if you're losing elections, are you willing
Speaker 4: really win in the life issue.
Speaker 1: We must protect the sacred life of Donald Trump's re
Speaker 1: election campaign, Push little campaign, don't say a word.
Speaker 4: Trump is gonna win you a second term. Pro choice
Speaker 4: with pro choice, pro life, with life choice.
Speaker 1: If you had to travel to another state to get
Speaker 1: an abortion, it's not the worst thing that worth buying
Speaker 1: a bus ticket to go somewhere to get it.
Speaker 2: It's not the worst thing in the world.
Speaker 5: Really, Probably more Democrat that wants abortion literally when it's coming,
Speaker 5: when the child is coming.
Speaker 4: Out of the birth canal. And looks like the majority
Speaker 4: of Americans don't like the rape and incest thing.
Speaker 1: So listen Republicans must learn to be very sensitive when
Speaker 1: talking about the rape and incest. Do hicky blah blah blah.
Speaker 4: And if your state bans abortion, who cares? Get on
Speaker 4: a bus all a boy.
Speaker 2: Don't be fooled.
Speaker 1: Democrats are gonna spread all sorts of misinformation when it
Speaker 1: comes to the Republican stance on abortion. And don't forget
Speaker 1: Democrats want legal abortions up to the twenty third trimester.
Speaker 4: I'm very pro choice.
Speaker 6: I was proudly the person responsible for the ending of
Speaker 6: Row V.
Speaker 4: Wade, and he said that you were a pro choice.
Speaker 4: Now you've changed right strongly.
Speaker 6: But I am pro life.
Speaker 1: Donald Trump's true stance on abortion shouldn't be a decision
Speaker 1: between Donald Trump, his brain and any woman whose abortions
Speaker 1: he might have paid for. Trump is pro life, with
Speaker 1: ads nine ninety nine a month for nine.
Speaker 4: Months, no vaccines.
Speaker 1: Planned parenthood is run by werewolves.
Speaker 3: Democrats treat Trump like a terrorist. Now they've taken away
Speaker 3: his freedom of movement.
Speaker 5: The President's got to sit there, he can't say a word.
Speaker 3: I think they bought a million dollar soccer field for
Speaker 3: the people in gittm.
Speaker 5: This weaponized Department of Justice, it will never recover.
Speaker 2: Moove over trailer tears.
Speaker 1: Donald Trump's money porn star case is the worst thing
Speaker 1: America has ever done. They are treating President Trump worse
Speaker 1: than a terrorist. He's stuck in court. Meanwhile, Ben Lawden's
Speaker 1: out there all day surfing in the ocean.
Speaker 2: Yell. He can't nap, he can't sneeze. He can't even
Speaker 2: place Sudoku.
Speaker 4: On his phone.
Speaker 1: You cannot make someone sit still for that long. It
Speaker 1: is impossible. See, it's inhumanity.
Speaker 3: Trump's in a torture chamber while Biden's prosecutor puts on
Speaker 3: a show trial. The guy needs exercise, he needs sunlight,
Speaker 3: and he needs activity. So he has to sit there
Speaker 3: all week for six weeks, and if he.
Speaker 4: Says anything, they throw m in jail. That's crazy.
Speaker 1: They are torturing this man. Trump needs sunlight, fresh air,
Speaker 1: regular walks. His heart worn't medication. He's gonna get the zoomies.
Speaker 2: Trump was this close to exercising for the first time.
Speaker 2: Not anymore. He can't sing, he can't.
Speaker 1: Dance in Irish jig, he can't play his beloved ukulelean.
Speaker 2: He can't yodel.
Speaker 5: That unprecedented gag order preventing Donald Trump from even defending
Speaker 5: himself in public. He's not allowed or they're gonna put
Speaker 5: him in jail. What happened a freedom of speech?
Speaker 2: For the love of God, lift the gag order.
Speaker 1: The American people deserve to hear what Donald Trump thinks
Speaker 1: about this case. If Trump can't speak his thoughts, what's
Speaker 1: he supposed to do? Keep it all inside? He doesn't
Speaker 1: have any room in there. This jury is not impartial.
Speaker 1: I've been following all the jurors home every night this
Speaker 1: week to watch them sleep.
Speaker 2: I promise you they are nuts.
Speaker 1: He can't gargle, he can't break dance, he can't build
Speaker 1: ikea furniture.
Speaker 2: For God's sake, this is vindictive. It is evil.
Speaker 1: A former president should never be treated this way until
Speaker 1: Joe Biden is out of office, and he should get
Speaker 1: the electric chair.
Speaker 3: Biden is authorizing deadly force against his political opponent.
Speaker 6: This was an attempt at assassination attempt on John Trump.
Speaker 1: Meret Garland basically issued a kill order for President Trump.
Speaker 3: Donald Trump in an email titled they were authorized to
Speaker 3: shoot me?
Speaker 4: Biden was quote locked and loaded, ready to take me out.
Speaker 2: That's right, John Wilkes.
Speaker 1: Biden approved a rate on mar A Lago, where FBI
Speaker 1: agents weren't authorized to use deadly force. The FBI was
Speaker 1: one hundred percent out for blood, and if Frump wasn't
Speaker 1: one hundred percent twelve hundred miles away in a different state,
Speaker 1: they would have gotten it nice. Tried double O'biden or
Speaker 1: is it double Joe seven? I'm still working on it.
Speaker 1: The FBI said, this is standard protocol. Who are you
Speaker 1: gonna believe the FBI or the sharewoman of the house
Speaker 1: CrossFit commit KFBI.
Speaker 2: Here's a standard protocol, the goose.
Speaker 1: Oh, but the FBI was so polite and tried not
Speaker 1: to cause a scene and never pulled out their weapons.
Speaker 2: It's called killing him with kindness. Don't get it twisted.
Speaker 1: Biden was locked and loaded with a custom grizzy, ready
Speaker 1: to pop a hot one in Trump's fat dome.
Speaker 6: They brought a medic, a combat medic. They had a
Speaker 6: trauma center eighteen miles away in a map. They wanted
Speaker 6: a gunfight.
Speaker 3: They were also instructed to wear unmarked polo or collared shirts.
Speaker 4: It was a siege by land, by sea, by.
Speaker 1: Air by uber during surge pricing, assassinated being political opponents.
Speaker 1: America has turned into a Banana Republic, which explains all
Speaker 1: the polo shirts and it all went through the FBI,
Speaker 1: the Federal Biden of assassination.
Speaker 2: Joe Biden is a senile.
Speaker 1: Old fool who also masterminded an elaborate multi agency assassination plot.
Speaker 1: The man is incompetent and also dangerously competent.
Speaker 2: Zero dark forty five.
Speaker 1: I'm onto you, Jessica Chastin. They're calling Republicans weird, which
Speaker 1: is weird in and of itself.
Speaker 6: It's so weird Democrats say JD.
Speaker 4: Vance is weird.
Speaker 3: Jd Vance is somehow weird and not the party that
Speaker 3: brought people like Sam Britton, you know, who stole everybody's
Speaker 3: luggage at the airport.
Speaker 1: There's some weird policies on the left, like porn in
Speaker 1: kids classrooms.
Speaker 6: You know what's really weird, leaving our borders open.
Speaker 4: What I think is weird is not thinking for yourself,
Speaker 4: That's right.
Speaker 1: The far left Democrats have taken time away from building
Speaker 1: a socialist abortion laser to call good, honest patriots like JD.
Speaker 1: Van and Marjorie Taylor green weird.
Speaker 2: Republicans are weird.
Speaker 1: Democrats are the ones who want to make ap butt
Speaker 1: stuff a requirement for elementary school. They're the ones milking
Speaker 1: all mins, which last I checked, don't have nipples. They're
Speaker 1: the ones providing litterboxes to illegal immigrants who identify as Garfield.
Speaker 2: Nomega's to Mondays.
Speaker 1: Then get out you know who else they called weird
Speaker 1: Steve jobs, Elon Musk, the unibomber, he went to Harvard
Speaker 1: who Republicans have so many wonderful patriots in their ranks.
Speaker 2: Look at this man? Does he look weird to you?
Speaker 4: Hey?
Speaker 2: Stop calling Republicans weird. You guys are.
Speaker 1: Being so unwoke right now, stop it, stop it.
Speaker 2: It's so unfair. It's just so juvenile. It's do doo,
Speaker 2: it's poop poop pead, they go poopoo and diaper. What
Speaker 2: is weird even mean? What does it mean?
Speaker 1: What? No one knows what it means? Why won't they
Speaker 1: tell us what weird means so we know how to respond.
Speaker 1: I pronouns are not and weird. No, that's not but
Speaker 1: not and not weird.
Speaker 2: Not weird, and she her who?
Speaker 1: I would accept it if liberals attack Donald Trump for
Speaker 1: an actual flaw, but he does not have one.
Speaker 2: God bathed him in the milk of perfection. Not weird.
Speaker 1: It is so disappointing to see these childless socialists stoop
Speaker 1: so low.
Speaker 2: I'm so weird.
Speaker 1: How Come none of the strangers that I talked to
Speaker 1: in the YouTube comments of flat earth videos have ever
Speaker 1: called me that before? You know what, I don't have
Speaker 1: time for this weird nonsense because I have to go
Speaker 1: protest in front of a library because there's a book
Speaker 1: in there with boobies in it. Trans immigrants are taking
Speaker 1: our cheeseburgers.