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Speaker 1: Same with you invest in your career, you should be

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Speaker 1: investing in your love life, because it's not something that

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Speaker 1: you just look up one day and now you're rich.

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Speaker 2: It's the same thing with love, he.

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Speaker 3: Va Fam, it's your girl, Mandy Money. I am so

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Speaker 3: so happy to be here with these two beautiful exquisites, stunning, accomplished,

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Speaker 3: badass women in the studio. We have never done a

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Speaker 3: show like this, ba Fam. And maybe it's because sometimes

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Speaker 3: when you're in your relationship and like it's so challenging,

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Speaker 3: sometimes talking about relationships is like the last thing you

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Speaker 3: want to do. But it just felt like the right time.

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Speaker 3: Ever since I saw one of my guests today, ever

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Speaker 3: since I saw the title of her book, how to

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Speaker 3: Find True Love by Francesca Hogey, who's here with me today,

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Speaker 3: that concept, that the simplicity of the preposition, the simplicity

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Speaker 3: of the concept for that book, it just really it

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Speaker 3: really struck me, and I was a little bit afraid

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Speaker 3: to even ask myself that question. Why am while I

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Speaker 3: am a full married woman and be a fan. I

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Speaker 3: know that we represent the broad spectrum of partnership. Whether

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Speaker 3: you are writing solo at this time, you're newly separated,

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Speaker 3: you are looking for love, you're in a relationship and

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Speaker 3: you know the saying it, and you're planning your escape

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Speaker 3: route like I really wanted to have a show like,

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Speaker 3: so I asked Francesca to come on the show, and

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Speaker 3: then I got the opportunity to also have the Michelle

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Speaker 3: the Kelly to r d to our I'm making myself

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Speaker 3: fiance here that's real rich and we have a Spicy

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Speaker 3: Mody in the house. Spicy Mody is also a relationship

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Speaker 3: expert on Relationship Coach. You also host a Netflix show

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Speaker 3: which I'm I'm blinking on right now. Please help the girl.

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Speaker 3: Sneaklings on netflixels ooh a little messy and we love that.

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Speaker 3: So I want to pause there and just have y'all

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Speaker 3: do a quick little introduction. To be a fan, I've

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Speaker 3: already given them your name, Francesc. You got your book

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Speaker 3: How to Find True Love, Spicy Money. You're on Sneakilings,

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Speaker 3: But tell us a little bit about your journey to

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Speaker 3: becoming a relationship experts and then what your approaches and

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Speaker 3: what you love most about the work that you do. Conchessica,

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Speaker 3: do you want to start sure? Thanks for that wonderful introduction.

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Speaker 4: Beyonce and you are Beyonce here. So for me, I mean,

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Speaker 4: so I used to be a corporate lawyer in my

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Speaker 4: previous career, but I'm somebody who I call myself. I

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Speaker 4: was a romantic child, like I just grew up like

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Speaker 4: really just wanting love, like wanting passion, like couldn't wait

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Speaker 4: till I was like old enough to like fall in love.

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Speaker 3: And like I used to read like, you.

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Speaker 4: Know, romance novels that were way too old for me,

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Speaker 4: and I'd be like, I can't wait to do this.

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Speaker 4: But I also had just a lot of challenges honestly,

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Speaker 4: just around like being seen romantically, like receiving romantic attention.

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Speaker 4: And so I found myself as a young lawyer like Okay,

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Speaker 4: I really want relationships. I really want a boyfriend, but

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Speaker 4: like I do not know how to make that happen.

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Speaker 4: And so long before I knew that, you know, like

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Speaker 4: dating coaching or relationship coaching was a thing, because this

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Speaker 4: was a million years ago, because I'm middle aged, I

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Speaker 4: was like, Okay, well I just got to figure this out.

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Speaker 4: And so I started on this journey of teaching myself

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Speaker 4: how to date.

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Speaker 3: And so I went on match dot com.

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Speaker 4: You know, back in the day when that was like

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Speaker 4: you prayed that nobody saw you like this is way

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Speaker 4: before dating apps. And I went on a bunch of

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Speaker 4: dates and I learned a lot of things, and then

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Speaker 4: I was like, oh, okay, wait, now I know how

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Speaker 4: to do this.

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Speaker 3: And so I wound up starting a dating.

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Speaker 4: Advice blog back when I was still a lawyer, just

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Speaker 4: because I saw so many other people struggling with things

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Speaker 4: that I used to struggle with. And then I wound

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Speaker 4: up finding out about matchmaking as a profession. And I

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Speaker 4: met a woman at a Fourth of July barbecue who

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Speaker 4: told me about Paul C.

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Speaker 3: Brunson, who is.

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Speaker 4: A black male matchmaker now expertly. He's actually he has

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Speaker 4: a Netflix show also called Sheet, and he's on a

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Speaker 4: bunch of shows. He's like, you know, doing a bunch

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Speaker 4: of things now. But at the time I was like, wait,

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Speaker 4: there's a black male matchmaker. Who is this person? And

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Speaker 4: I want to follow him? And so I started following him,

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Speaker 4: and through him, I learned that there was a matchmaking

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Speaker 4: institute and I was like, what, there's a matchmaking institute

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Speaker 4: And there was a conference and I went to this

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Speaker 4: conference and I met all of these people who were

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Speaker 4: just regular people whose job it was to help other people.

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Speaker 3: Find love, and I was like, what could be more

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Speaker 3: rewarding than that?

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Speaker 4: So I went to matchmaking school and I became a

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Speaker 4: matchmaker And that was thirteen.

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Speaker 3: Years making school, the match speaking Institute. Oh what secrets

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Speaker 3: are in there? Were you? Okay, I have a couple.

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Speaker 3: I know I'm going to get to spicy too, But

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Speaker 3: I was just thinking, like, at what point do you

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Speaker 3: feel like, Okay, I've got this on lock. Now I'm

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Speaker 3: ready to help others? Like did you feel like you

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Speaker 3: needed to reach a certain level of relationship success before

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Speaker 3: you could be a matchmaker or does that even matter?

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Speaker 3: You know? I didn't feel that way.

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Speaker 4: I mean when I started matchmaking, I was in a relationship,

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Speaker 4: but it wasn't like I was in my you know,

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Speaker 4: forever partnership. But I really felt like, first of all,

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Speaker 4: I had already matchmade people, just like that was something

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Speaker 4: that I'd already done. Like one of my best friends

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Speaker 4: her husband I introduced, I introduced her to So it's

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Speaker 4: something that I already just naturally like meddled in other

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Speaker 4: people's love lives. So there's kind of the thing about

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Speaker 4: matchmaking is because it is about making introductions and it's

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Speaker 4: a little bit like all right.

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Speaker 3: Well there you go, like good luck everybody, you know, like.

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Speaker 4: I've introduced you, now you know, now I have at it.

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Speaker 4: But actually, that's one of the reasons why over time

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Speaker 4: I switched from matchmaking and coaching is because I realized

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Speaker 4: that with matchmaking, giving people what they say that they

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Speaker 4: want isn't necessarily what they need and isn't necessarily going

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Speaker 4: to actually give them the relationship ship that they actually want.

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Speaker 4: And so that actually caused me to start to go

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Speaker 4: a lot deeper into like, Okay, well, how do you

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Speaker 4: actually determine what you need in a relationship, and how

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Speaker 4: do you figure out who is and who isn't a

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Speaker 4: good match for you? And how can you break your

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Speaker 4: patterns of maybe being attracted to people in dynamics that

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Speaker 4: don't serve you. And so I became very obsessed with

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Speaker 4: all of that, which is why I became a coach

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Speaker 4: instead of a matchmaker, because I think it's more important

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Speaker 4: for people to be their own matchmaker, honestly, and to

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Speaker 4: be able to do that work for themselves.

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Speaker 3: Well, that's a really nice distinction because it's like anyone

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Speaker 3: can get on match you can match yourself or what

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Speaker 3: is it now, tender bumble, all that, but to actually

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Speaker 3: have the coaching and that you know, and not just

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Speaker 3: your girlfriends, you know, at dinner with their own drama,

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Speaker 3: their own trauma baggage, but to have someone kind of

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Speaker 3: hold your hand during the whole process. Okay, spicy, spicy mody.

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Speaker 3: I keep wanting to say spicy margarita, but I'm not

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Speaker 3: going to do that.

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Speaker 1: We can have those too. I'm always down for one

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Speaker 1: of those origin story and you know, snaps to Francesca.

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Speaker 1: I agree with everything that she's saying. My origins or

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Speaker 1: became very young. So at a very young age, five

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Speaker 1: six years old, single parent home, I felt like I

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Speaker 1: was too good to be in a single parent home.

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Speaker 2: I deserved a daddy.

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Speaker 1: So I made it my mission to go up to

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Speaker 1: every single man and set my mom up and pitch

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Speaker 1: her and I as a package.

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Speaker 2: Right, Like, I'm a cute little girl.

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Speaker 1: She's a pretty mom, she knows how to cook, and

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Speaker 1: my mom was married three times. My mom saw like

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Speaker 1: my passion for relationships and then it was an obsession

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Speaker 1: for me, and she's like, okay, let me steer this

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Speaker 1: so that you aren't so dependent on a relationship or

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Speaker 1: a partner. But I early on saw the benefits of it.

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Speaker 1: Right when Mom was in relationship, she was happier, she

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Speaker 1: was more giving. I was in trouble less. We had

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Speaker 1: more resources. By resources, I mean toys, and so these

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Speaker 1: men used to go through the process of like taking

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Speaker 1: us both out on dates, and I too saw the

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Speaker 1: benefits of the romance and just how the courtship process

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Speaker 1: looked early. But then wanted that education with it, which

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Speaker 1: my mom really reinforced. She was like, yes, relationships are great,

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Speaker 1: go to school though, So went to UC Berkeley and

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Speaker 1: went for communication, then went to USC and communication as well,

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Speaker 1: and in the interim part was giving like relationship advice

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Speaker 1: on a radio show Spicy Tips, and decided that there's

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Speaker 1: a method to this madness in my master's program and

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Speaker 1: really deep dove into the Spicy method, which is spicy

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Speaker 1: self passion, intimacy, communication, and learning to say yes, those

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Speaker 1: are the ingredients that you need for a healthy relationship,

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Speaker 1: and so juggling setting up of course.

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Speaker 2: Friends, family members, and clients.

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Speaker 1: Really started to focus on the Spicy Life program because

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Speaker 1: that is where it all begins. In order to help

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Speaker 1: you become the best version of yourself. And attract your

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Speaker 1: purpose mate, which is the person who's supposed to elevate

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Speaker 1: you the purpose, the person who's supposed to support your purpose,

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Speaker 1: and how you serve the kingdom and help others. My

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Speaker 1: entire focus became, Okay, how do I help you become

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Speaker 1: more magnetic? How do I help you choose the best

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Speaker 1: partner so that you don't have to go through divorce

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Speaker 1: after divorce and you don't have a child who's looking

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Speaker 1: up like where's my daddy? Why don't I have a

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Speaker 1: two parent home? So my mom's theory is that she

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Speaker 1: is the root of the spicy life, spicy Mama, and

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Speaker 1: that every couple that I tried to match or set up,

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Speaker 1: or every client that I try to coach, I'm really healing.

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Speaker 2: My child's self through these couples.

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Speaker 1: But I have gone through all the seasons, all the

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Speaker 1: phases and challenges of relationship. And it wasn't until I

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Speaker 1: actually like applied my tools to like really hones in on, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what does it take that I started to take even

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Speaker 1: my own personal life extremely seriously when it came to

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Speaker 1: relationships and discovered the strategies within it.

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Speaker 2: That there's coding, there's strategies.

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Speaker 1: Dating as a skill, but then also guiding the male

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Speaker 1: psyche is extremely important as well, and so of course

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Speaker 1: matched myself. My husband will say, well, I never needed

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Speaker 1: a matchmaker, and I'm like, oh, what do you think

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Speaker 1: I was doing, honey. So so it's the whole essence

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Speaker 1: of yes, yes, sir, this was your idea.

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Speaker 2: Of course I had nothing to do with it. You

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Speaker 2: just wanted to me purely. You make the decision on

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Speaker 2: your own.

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Speaker 1: So there is a method to the madness and I

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Speaker 1: absolutely love it and want every single person to have

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Speaker 1: their purpose mat the way that I do.

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Speaker 3: Purposemate. All Right, so I'm thinking about BA Fam and

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Speaker 3: just for y'all, I know I love BA FAM. I

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Speaker 3: know I know our audience so well. BA Fam is

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Speaker 3: between twenty five to forty five. We have very ambitious women. Obviously,

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Speaker 3: it's in the title of our show. We are wanting,

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Speaker 3: We're not waiting for a relationship or a purposemate, to

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Speaker 3: create financial security and financial independence. A lot of our

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Speaker 3: listeners want to create side businesses or have a full business.

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Speaker 3: You know, they're working into five and they are very

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Speaker 3: intentional about studying and learning and seeking out wisdom. In

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Speaker 3: that sense, where does that journey align with seeking out

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Speaker 3: a partner, because I kind of feel like we're in

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Speaker 3: this date right now now where it feels like either

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Speaker 3: or like I'm going to focus on my all on

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Speaker 3: just creating my own financial security and then when I

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Speaker 3: have it all together, then I can find a partner.

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Speaker 3: What advice do y'all have for women are who are

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Speaker 3: striving for that? And we love that ba fam passion,

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Speaker 3: But what advice do you'all have for them? And also

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Speaker 3: carving out time to find partnership in the midst of that,

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Speaker 3: you know, before they have it all together.

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Speaker 1: We think that you have to compartmentalize and separate the

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Speaker 1: two and you should literally be doing the same way

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Speaker 1: that you invest in your career, you should be investing

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Speaker 1: in your love life because it's not something that you

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Speaker 1: just look up one day and now you're rich.

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Speaker 2: It's the same thing with love.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So if you're not intentional about juggling, bok, cause

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to say it's about balance, it's about juggling.

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Speaker 1: Like I'm going to intentionally do one thing a day

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Speaker 1: for my career, I'm also going to intentionally do one

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Speaker 1: thing a day to connect with men, to connect it

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Speaker 1: with love and so whether that's you pouring into a

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Speaker 1: little bit of self love and juggling that with Okay,

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Speaker 1: do I need to swipe today? Do I need to

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Speaker 1: sit in that message? Do I need to go to

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Speaker 1: the park and look someone in the eyes and introduce myself.

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Speaker 1: You need to be doing one thing a day to

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Speaker 1: connect because you literally have to learn in real time

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Speaker 1: managing both. Because if you think that one day you're

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Speaker 1: just going to look up and your partner's going to

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Speaker 1: be there, and you've been so prioritized on your career

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Speaker 1: that now you're going to know how to manage your

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Speaker 1: time to navigate between your masculine network and you're feminine

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Speaker 1: you know at home. It is a practice. It is

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Speaker 1: a skill set that you have to do. And as women,

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Speaker 1: we are required to pivot. Okay, not so much men.

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Speaker 1: They don't lean into their feminine energy usually until we

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Speaker 1: pull that out of them. But for us, society demands

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Speaker 1: it from us, Our relationships demand it from us. That

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Speaker 1: we have to get really good at doing the dance

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Speaker 1: between our masculine and feminine and juggling between those two

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Speaker 1: and so managing relationship plus career, you've got to do

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Speaker 1: both at the same time, especially if you want both

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Speaker 1: to enjoy at the same time.

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Speaker 3: That is such a difficult proposition. It's something that I

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Speaker 3: struggle with all the time. We're baddies, like we get

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Speaker 3: we make money. I'm a breadwinner. I don't bend the

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Speaker 3: bread winner. Since Dan got my relationship, part of me

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Speaker 3: thinks that was a bit of why was even attracted

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Speaker 3: to my relationship with my partner, is like there's space

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Speaker 3: for me to be that. You know, there's a lot

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Speaker 3: of power in that. But at the same time, it's like, oh,

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Speaker 3: I done forgot how to be solved And what even

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Speaker 3: is feminine energy? Francesca, does that? Like does that jib

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Speaker 3: with like your thoughts as well? The idea that you know,

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Speaker 3: there's this tug of the masculine energy and then the

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Speaker 3: feminine energy and relationships and like having to learn how

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Speaker 3: to switch it on and off.

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Speaker 4: This is such a good question, and this is a

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Speaker 4: really important conversation because we all three work with ambitious

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Speaker 4: women who are about their business and about you know,

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Speaker 4: living their best lives. And I think that I completely

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Speaker 4: agree with you, Matty, like.

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Speaker 3: We cannot we can't compartmentalize love and think like.

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Speaker 4: Okay, I'm just going to keep it in this little bucket,

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Speaker 4: and when everything else in my life is perfect, that's

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Speaker 4: when I'm going to open myself up to it. I

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Speaker 4: think that's really missing the point. I think that we

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Speaker 4: are all on a love journey, and the purpose of

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Speaker 4: this journey is for to learn how to be more loving,

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Speaker 4: how to give more love, and how to receive more love.

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Speaker 4: And what I see a lot with women who are

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Speaker 4: in that mindset of like, no, I'm building my career,

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Speaker 4: I'm focused on my business. It's like, yeah, but you're

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Speaker 4: also kind of it's a little bit like saying like

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Speaker 4: I'm going to care about my health when I'm when

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Speaker 4: I'm more successful, or I'm going to care about my

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Speaker 4: friendships or my family relationships when I'm more successful, Like like,

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Speaker 4: what do you mean? No, Like this is all important, right,

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Speaker 4: And so I one hundred percent agree with what Marty

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Speaker 4: was saying about, Like this is a being about skills. Right, So,

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Speaker 4: if you were not practicing the skill of being vulnerable,

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Speaker 4: of allowing yourself to receive romantic attention, you know, of

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Speaker 4: having the confidence to give that attention to someone else, Right,

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Speaker 4: if you don't have the skill of communication, of learning

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Speaker 4: how to be a great partner, because that's the thing

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Speaker 4: about dating. And one of the reasons why I really

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Speaker 4: I resonate so much more with coaching than with matchmaking

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Speaker 4: is because the point of dating is not just to

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Speaker 4: meet someone. I mean, that's yes, but so for you

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Speaker 4: to actually learn the skills to be a great partner. Right,

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Speaker 4: So if you just don't ever put any work or

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Speaker 4: effort or thought into what that means for you, and

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Speaker 4: then you think that when somebody great shows up, that

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Speaker 4: suddenly it's all going to magically work out.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 4: That's that fantasy view of love that we've been sold

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Speaker 4: our whole lives. But that sets so many people up

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Speaker 4: for failure in relationships because then you're in a relationship.

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Speaker 4: Now you're triggered. Now you don't know how to communicate.

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Speaker 4: Now you don't know how to compromise. Now you don't

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Speaker 4: know how to have boundaries. I think, you know, that's

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Speaker 4: another thing. I think that for a lot of you know,

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Speaker 4: women who feel like I have to wait, I have

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Speaker 4: to wait, is because they think that being in a

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Speaker 4: relationship means that you lose yourself. They think that being

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Speaker 4: in a relationship means that you don't get to still

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Speaker 4: prioritize your passions. Right, They think that being in a

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Speaker 4: relationship means that now that there is no time to

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Speaker 4: work on.

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Speaker 3: Your business or that. But who said that, right?

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Speaker 4: And so I think we as modern women, we have

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Speaker 4: more power and freedom than any other generation in history

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Speaker 4: to have the lives that we want, and that includes

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Speaker 4: the love that we want. Oh, I am a very

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Speaker 4: big believer, Like even if you're like, okay in this

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Speaker 4: season of my life, because we all have to know

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Speaker 4: ourselves and you all have to know like, Okay, like

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Speaker 4: right now, I am doing this thing and this is

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Speaker 4: my focus. And maybe that's not dating, maybe that's not

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Speaker 4: meeting someone. That's fine, But I encourage people like, don't

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Speaker 4: get so far away from that intention for romantic partnership

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Speaker 4: that you then aren't planting the seeds within yourself so

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Speaker 4: that you can actually have the love that you want.

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Speaker 4: And so I just think that more women need to

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Speaker 4: balance it. So as for like the masculine feminine, I

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Speaker 4: think that could be a very helpful framework for some

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Speaker 4: women to think about, like, Okay, where am I Where

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Speaker 4: am I able to be more giving? Where am I

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Speaker 4: able to receive? Because actually receiving is like really the

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Speaker 4: big thing. Right, we tend to have a lot more

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Speaker 4: trouble receiving than giving.

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Speaker 3: So that's the other thing. Do you mean women of color,

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Speaker 3: like black women, or women in general?

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Speaker 4: I think women in general. I think women in general.

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Speaker 4: I think especially in relationships, because if you just think

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Speaker 4: about all of the narratives that women get about out

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Speaker 4: what the role is of a woman in a relationship,

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Speaker 4: it's like, you know, you gotta you gotta take care

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Speaker 4: of your man. You gotta like be you know, sexually

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Speaker 4: available to him all the time. You gotta make sure

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Speaker 4: he's fed, you gotta make sure he's happy. You got

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Speaker 4: to make sure that he feels like a man. And

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Speaker 4: because if he doesn't do that, he's going to go

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Speaker 4: find somebody else who does. Like, there's a lot of

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Speaker 4: pressure that's put on women to do and to you know,

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Speaker 4: to really be the caretaker in our relationships and so

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Speaker 4: and it's not that we aren't that, but we also

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Speaker 4: deserve to receive, right, And so that balance is something

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Speaker 4: that I think we have more power than ever to

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Speaker 4: really navigate for ourselves. But yeah, it's it's it's it's complicated.

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Speaker 4: And one last thing I will just say, the reason

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Speaker 4: I don't really in my work. I don't really use

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Speaker 4: like masculine and feminine energy so much only because I

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Speaker 4: see how that can lead to a lot of performance.

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Speaker 4: Because then it's like, oh, well, I say this because

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Speaker 4: that's like me being feminine, and it's like, well, but actually,

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Speaker 4: can't you just tap into yourself and just be yourself

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Speaker 4: and be balanced in your ability to give and to

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Speaker 4: receive versus feel like I have to perform femininity in

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Speaker 4: this particular way or a man has to perform masculinity

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Speaker 4: in this particular way.

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Speaker 3: I think that can get a little murky, you know.

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Speaker 3: While you're talking, I'm also thinking about how I have

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Speaker 3: said on the show before, and I've spoken to so

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Speaker 3: many really accomplished women who've earned millions and they've iPod

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Speaker 3: and they'll come on this show and you'll see like

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Speaker 3: a softening of them because obviously, like you know, I

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Speaker 3: am a woman of color, this is our safe space.

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Speaker 3: And how I've encouraged women to even bring their feminine

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Speaker 3: energy to the workplace and like to give yourself permission

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Speaker 3: like to be. And when I said when I say

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Speaker 3: feminine energy, I mean our our nurturing nature, our communication

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Speaker 3: skills are listening I think that those traits, there was

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Speaker 3: a time when those traits were like out of fashion

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Speaker 3: and look down upon in corporate spaces, and you wanted

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Speaker 3: to really like be in your masculine because that was

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Speaker 3: the norm. And I love the idea of more women

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Speaker 3: and of women in positions of power embracing that part

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Speaker 3: of because I think it makes us such good leaders

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Speaker 3: and makes the workplaces that we run, you know, such

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Speaker 3: incredible places to be where you really everyone can be

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Speaker 3: happier and thrive. And and but I feel like because

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Speaker 3: of the stigma against you know, femininity and being soft

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Speaker 3: in the workplace, that that has created, like it's we

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Speaker 3: put on this persona when we go into the workplace,

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Speaker 3: and that can be hard sometimes to turn off. But

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Speaker 3: if we just like give ourselves permission to be a

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Speaker 3: bit more soft and be our nurturing our nature and

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Speaker 3: not everyone is the same, right, but to tap into

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Speaker 3: our core as essential self both at work and at home,

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Speaker 3: we may find a bit more happiness and just more peace.

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Speaker 3: That's many problems.

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Speaker 2: Let me add on to this.

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Speaker 1: I do think that based on everyone right growing up

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Speaker 1: in different environments, already being genetically predisposed to certain responses,

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Speaker 1: learning different communication skills that us as women in the

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Speaker 1: dating place, do need to understand visually and also emotionally

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Speaker 1: and mentally right when we are tapping into a certain

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Speaker 1: way of making somebody else feel how they're experiencing us.

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Speaker 1: And I think that masculine feminine energy is a great

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Speaker 1: way to understand not just who you are and how

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Speaker 1: you show up or maybe what you were exposed to

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Speaker 1: and who you would like to become, but also understanding

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Speaker 1: how to dance with men, understanding that when he shows

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Speaker 1: up like this, I respond this way and I like that,

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Speaker 1: or when I lean into this energy, it doesn't get

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Speaker 1: me the goal accomplished that I want. And so I

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Speaker 1: think that for my main clientele, which is like the

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Speaker 1: extremely powerful woman who has everything that she wants in

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Speaker 1: life except for the love, it's important that they also

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Speaker 1: understand that in relationship and in your romantic life, dating

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Speaker 1: is important and relationships are important because just like in

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Speaker 1: the workplace, you're going to have to ask for what

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Speaker 1: you want at home, when it comes to men, you

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Speaker 1: are still going to have to ask for what you

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Speaker 1: want because they don't lean into their feminine energy as much.

435
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,880
Speaker 1: So they're not intuitive. Okay, they aren't thinking about how

436
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,080
Speaker 1: can they care for us all day long and how

437
00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:20,240
Speaker 1: they can make our day better from the moment that

438
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,080
Speaker 1: they wake up, where that may come naturally to us,

439
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,760
Speaker 1: but we have to also get into the practice of asking,

440
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:28,120
Speaker 1: how am I going to guide this person to learn

441
00:21:28,359 --> 00:21:30,840
Speaker 1: the things that I want and it to come effortlessly

442
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,720
Speaker 1: to them if I'm not communicating my needs and getting

443
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:37,240
Speaker 1: real comfortable with communicating my needs right, getting in the

444
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:41,040
Speaker 1: habit and practice of getting what I want because it

445
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:44,399
Speaker 1: doesn't just come automatically for somebody else to serve us.

446
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:45,400
Speaker 2: And so, when you're in a.

447
00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:49,480
Speaker 1: Space where you are very goal oriented and driven and it's.

448
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,159
Speaker 2: About work, work, work, work, work, and career.

449
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,679
Speaker 1: While I love all the accolades, you aren't in the

450
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:57,040
Speaker 1: habit of advocating for yourself when it comes to relationship

451
00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,359
Speaker 1: and teaching and guiding someone. When you're focused on just career,

452
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:02,960
Speaker 1: you get permission to just be selfish. But when you

453
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:06,600
Speaker 1: are in relationship, you actually are required to serve. Both

454
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,679
Speaker 1: of you guys are required to serve. But how do

455
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:10,800
Speaker 1: I get him to submit to me? What does that

456
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,399
Speaker 1: look like? How do I tap into that energy? And

457
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,800
Speaker 1: if you don't guide a man's emotions. You have no

458
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,639
Speaker 1: power over the man because he is in the relationship

459
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,520
Speaker 1: with you based on how you make him feel about himself.

460
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,520
Speaker 1: So if you don't know how to motivate him, if

461
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:26,359
Speaker 1: you haven't practiced the skill set of understanding how to

462
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,359
Speaker 1: guide a man's energy. But that's what you want, and

463
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:32,600
Speaker 1: you say that's your focus, but you haven't practiced that,

464
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,080
Speaker 1: it's going to be extremely challenging later when you add

465
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,200
Speaker 1: another element, let's say family, to the mix.

466
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,879
Speaker 3: Are you saying that are part of a healthy dynamic

467
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:49,000
Speaker 3: and relationship is understanding how to manage your man's emotions,

468
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:51,200
Speaker 3: your partner's emotions.

469
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:53,240
Speaker 2: How do I manage my energy? First? How do I

470
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:54,240
Speaker 2: manage their energy?

471
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:54,600
Speaker 3: Second?

472
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:57,120
Speaker 1: So, whether it's a friendship, whether it's your mama, whether

473
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:59,679
Speaker 1: it's your child, whether it's your man, how do I

474
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:03,119
Speaker 1: manage my energy in this moment so I can guide

475
00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:06,280
Speaker 1: your energy to get whatever it is accomplished that I'm

476
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,720
Speaker 1: trying to get. Whether it's I want affection, whether I

477
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,600
Speaker 1: want a hot date, whether I want you to step

478
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,440
Speaker 1: up to the plate be more protective of me, whatever

479
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,040
Speaker 1: that thing is, whether I want you to throw the trash,

480
00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:17,320
Speaker 1: How do I manage my energy first, so then I

481
00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:19,200
Speaker 1: can manage your energy next.

482
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,679
Speaker 3: I think, okay, I'm understanding that. It reminds me of

483
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:26,600
Speaker 3: that book Come As You Are by Emily Nagasaki. I

484
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,520
Speaker 3: think that's her name, really cool book, and in that

485
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:32,440
Speaker 3: she talks about like the break and the accelerator, and

486
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,040
Speaker 3: a woman versus a man, or a partner versus partner,

487
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:38,800
Speaker 3: and how there's certain ways you can come at a person,

488
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,359
Speaker 3: but if they haven't been like if they're in a

489
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:44,919
Speaker 3: mindset or in an emotion mind where they're not ready

490
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,639
Speaker 3: to do the thing that you want them to do.

491
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:48,640
Speaker 3: Like let's say it's sex, or let's say it's taking

492
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:50,920
Speaker 3: out the trashes are two very different things. One of

493
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,439
Speaker 3: them is for play taking out the trash. I was

494
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:57,280
Speaker 3: gonna say, are they so different? I'm going to turn

495
00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:00,320
Speaker 3: the compost for you, Oh, baby, like talk their to me.

496
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,040
Speaker 3: So But there is this idea that I just can't

497
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,480
Speaker 3: come in and be like, I need you to I

498
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,080
Speaker 3: need you to do better at this. I need you

499
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:09,520
Speaker 3: to like you know, I need you to read with

500
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,000
Speaker 3: our son at night. I need you to like be

501
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:12,600
Speaker 3: involved more by the way. I needs you to rub

502
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,120
Speaker 3: my back later and not complain about it. I need

503
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,320
Speaker 3: you to know what my coffee order is when it's

504
00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:19,800
Speaker 3: hot outside versus when it's cold, and versus when it's raining,

505
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:23,320
Speaker 3: because they're different for all the environments. It's about not

506
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:27,320
Speaker 3: expecting that to just happen on demand. But there's things

507
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:29,720
Speaker 3: that I can start doing the minute I wake up,

508
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,639
Speaker 3: to manage to like I don't like the word manage

509
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,679
Speaker 3: as much, but I understand it, like to guide the

510
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:36,440
Speaker 3: feeling in him to where he's going to be more

511
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,680
Speaker 3: conducive to doing those things later. And if it comes

512
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:41,560
Speaker 3: from both ways, both directions, if he's also thinking about

513
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,480
Speaker 3: me and how I'm feeling, baby like that to me

514
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:46,439
Speaker 3: just sounds like that's the vibe I want to be on.

515
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,520
Speaker 3: We aren't not on that vibe right now, but I

516
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:49,080
Speaker 3: would like to.

517
00:24:49,119 --> 00:24:50,320
Speaker 2: Get to your point.

518
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,920
Speaker 1: We are all trapped in this illusion of how it's

519
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:55,720
Speaker 1: supposed to feel. Well, it doesn't feel romantic and it

520
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,440
Speaker 1: doesn't feel authentic if he doesn't just do it on

521
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,439
Speaker 1: his own. Naturally, we think that if I have to

522
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,800
Speaker 1: tell you what I want for my birthday, it's not

523
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,960
Speaker 1: as meaningful and special. I care more about the goal.

524
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:08,000
Speaker 1: Did I get the bag?

525
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:09,159
Speaker 2: Okay? Because if I.

526
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,840
Speaker 1: Got the bag, and I had to tell you and

527
00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:12,480
Speaker 1: send you the link to the bag that I wanted

528
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:14,040
Speaker 1: because you weren't going to get the YSL bag that

529
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,520
Speaker 1: I wanted. Am I still happy at the end? We

530
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:21,440
Speaker 1: can't be so much trapped in the process of well,

531
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:21,840
Speaker 1: what is.

532
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,480
Speaker 2: The experience that I'm having? In order to get my goal.

533
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,960
Speaker 1: Achieved, I need you to get to a to Z

534
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,800
Speaker 1: because I got a business to run. So either we're

535
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:31,720
Speaker 1: going to make me happy and I'm gonna be in

536
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,159
Speaker 1: charge of my happiness and help facilitate you being a

537
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:34,760
Speaker 1: part of it.

538
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:35,560
Speaker 2: But I'm not going to.

539
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,959
Speaker 1: Leave my entire happiness and experience up to you. And

540
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,480
Speaker 1: that actually takes practice because that's not what we were taught.

541
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,879
Speaker 1: We were taught that it's not love unless the person

542
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:46,000
Speaker 1: isn't obsessed with us twenty four seven thinking how they

543
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:46,480
Speaker 1: can make.

544
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:46,960
Speaker 2: Our day better.

545
00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:52,879
Speaker 3: So I'm I totally agree. I hear what both of

546
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:53,440
Speaker 3: you are saying.

547
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:55,520
Speaker 4: I'm a little bit different, and also I should say

548
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,439
Speaker 4: I do not have children, and I think that the

549
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,119
Speaker 4: both of you, in your real relationships, you're not just

550
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 4: navigating being with your partner, You're also navigating raising children.

551
00:26:06,119 --> 00:26:09,480
Speaker 4: And that's a whole other ball of wax. I am

552
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:13,879
Speaker 4: a believer in communicating needs. However, I'm also for me,

553
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:17,800
Speaker 4: I'm more focused on are you with somebody? Because I

554
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:21,520
Speaker 4: because I personally and like, I don't have the emotional

555
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:25,440
Speaker 4: bandwidth to like teach a man how to like have feelings.

556
00:26:26,119 --> 00:26:28,240
Speaker 4: Like I'm like, that's not my job, you know what

557
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:29,960
Speaker 4: I'm saying, Like I don't want to take that on.

558
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,280
Speaker 2: And I'm curiousity who was supposed to teach him?

559
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:33,359
Speaker 3: Well?

560
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:34,879
Speaker 4: Well, see, I think, I mean, I think, and you

561
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:36,879
Speaker 4: know you said this before. I think everybody has different

562
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:39,720
Speaker 4: you know, we all have different you know, backgrounds and

563
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:43,680
Speaker 4: experiences and you know, and I'm very fortunate because I

564
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:46,919
Speaker 4: had a father who was he was a caretaker and

565
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:51,800
Speaker 4: he was protective, and he worked hard and he supported

566
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,760
Speaker 4: his family. But he also called my mother beautiful and

567
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,760
Speaker 4: rubbed her feet and mopped the whole and vacuum the

568
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,080
Speaker 4: whole house every weekend so she didn't have to do

569
00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:02,280
Speaker 4: that heavy lifting. And I also had my older brother,

570
00:27:03,119 --> 00:27:05,480
Speaker 4: you know, it was also like very protective, very loving.

571
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:08,119
Speaker 4: So to me, I'm like, just fine.

572
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:10,560
Speaker 1: Men should just come like that, just come like that.

573
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:13,119
Speaker 1: I think that all of us feel like men should

574
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 1: just come like that. That's the thing, though, is that

575
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:18,000
Speaker 1: we all want one. So it's a small percentage that

576
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:21,120
Speaker 1: are actually like like your father in the sense of

577
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:25,000
Speaker 1: maybe emotionally available to their children, right, maybe teaching their

578
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:28,240
Speaker 1: son how to love properly. And so I am of

579
00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:31,040
Speaker 1: the belief that, well, you want a relationship with this person,

580
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,720
Speaker 1: but maybe he didn't grow up with Mancesca's father.

581
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:35,359
Speaker 2: How are we going to make this work?

582
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,240
Speaker 1: And there is going to have to be some work

583
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:39,320
Speaker 1: on our end that us as women were like, well,

584
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:40,639
Speaker 1: we don't want to do it. We just want him

585
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:44,400
Speaker 1: to come prepackaged, but we're also not prepackaged. And maybe

586
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:48,480
Speaker 1: the communication aspect or maybe the you know, respect aspect,

587
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,879
Speaker 1: we're all working on something. I think though, that we

588
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,800
Speaker 1: have a huge population of men though that are only

589
00:27:55,840 --> 00:28:00,280
Speaker 1: as good as their exes taught them. Okay, so if

590
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:02,760
Speaker 1: they did grow up like you, oh my god, that's

591
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:05,520
Speaker 1: a blessing. But a lot did not, right, So that

592
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:07,880
Speaker 1: population that did not, what are we to do with them?

593
00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:10,720
Speaker 1: And if we still want relationship with them, because we're

594
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:12,520
Speaker 1: still going to be in a situationship or we're still

595
00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:14,480
Speaker 1: going to hook up with like what are we going

596
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:16,440
Speaker 1: to do in order to guide them there to that

597
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:19,719
Speaker 1: emotional availability, to that intelligence. How are we going to

598
00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,840
Speaker 1: educate them on how to show up in love for us?

599
00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:25,000
Speaker 1: Because it's really the woman who brings it out of them.

600
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:27,560
Speaker 1: Men are not going to the homies, are not going

601
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:31,200
Speaker 1: to help them so much become these vulnerable creatures for us,

602
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:33,920
Speaker 1: And if their exes did not train them properly. Now

603
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,400
Speaker 1: you have, you know, a man in your hands who

604
00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:38,719
Speaker 1: you know you're attracted to, but he doesn't know how

605
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:40,880
Speaker 1: to serve you the way that you want to be served.

606
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:46,280
Speaker 1: And so it's not so much about us only getting

607
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:49,440
Speaker 1: that population of twenty percent that are emotionally available. It's like, okay, well,

608
00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:51,520
Speaker 1: how do we change this is a culture. How do

609
00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:54,680
Speaker 1: we change and guide these men? Because we're not going

610
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,720
Speaker 1: to see I don't think before our day's end, the

611
00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:01,360
Speaker 1: shift of one hundred percent equality, the shift of them

612
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:03,840
Speaker 1: being as equal emotionally to.

613
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:05,640
Speaker 2: Us as we are. So there's going to be some

614
00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:07,280
Speaker 2: work on our end, as really it's going to be

615
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:08,120
Speaker 2: some work on our end.

616
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:10,000
Speaker 3: No, I agree, And there is no perfection.

617
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:12,080
Speaker 4: And even if you have two people who were so

618
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:15,360
Speaker 4: open and emotionally available, and mature, Like, there's still going

619
00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:18,760
Speaker 4: to be you know, the art of relationships is communication, right,

620
00:29:18,760 --> 00:29:20,680
Speaker 4: so there's always going to be that navigation. But I

621
00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:23,360
Speaker 4: guess what I see is, especially a lot of Black women,

622
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,080
Speaker 4: I see a lot of women who are they are

623
00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 4: giving their all to men who are so incapable, incapable

624
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:33,800
Speaker 4: of being the kind of.

625
00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:34,800
Speaker 3: Partner that they deserve.

626
00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:37,280
Speaker 4: Correct that I just want to be careful, Like I

627
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,000
Speaker 4: don't want to say, well, just hang in there, girl,

628
00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:40,720
Speaker 4: you just got to teach them, because I'm like, I say,

629
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:44,240
Speaker 4: you actually just need to find somebody who's like, you're dope.

630
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:45,960
Speaker 4: I'm ready to show up for you.

631
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:46,480
Speaker 2: Yeah.

632
00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:49,479
Speaker 4: Right, I'm excited about moving things forward with you. I

633
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:51,880
Speaker 4: see how amazing you are. I mean, you know, even

634
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,680
Speaker 4: going back to the whole career thing, I mean my

635
00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:58,240
Speaker 4: previous relationship that was seven years long. In the relationship

636
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:01,240
Speaker 4: that I'm in now, which is only relatively new actually

637
00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:04,120
Speaker 4: because I had a very eventful year last year while

638
00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:11,880
Speaker 4: I was ready. But I but I feel like, you know,

639
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:13,800
Speaker 4: I could not have built my business if I didn't

640
00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:17,360
Speaker 4: have my partner because and it's not and it just

641
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,760
Speaker 4: because of the support and just of the love and

642
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:21,760
Speaker 4: just knowing like I have this safe space that I

643
00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:24,000
Speaker 4: can go and I can you know. I was just

644
00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:26,000
Speaker 4: I was, you know, I had this book that just

645
00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 4: came out, and I just had this melt down recently

646
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,400
Speaker 4: with my boyfriend because I was like, I'm writing so hard,

647
00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:33,840
Speaker 4: you know, and I just like cried for like two

648
00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:36,320
Speaker 4: hours and he just like held me and encouraged me

649
00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:38,560
Speaker 4: and like told me how you know, Like, and I'm like,

650
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:41,360
Speaker 4: that's just there are men who do that, right, And

651
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:44,640
Speaker 4: so I want women to not feel like I have

652
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:47,840
Speaker 4: to just always be trying to pull out of somebody

653
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:50,520
Speaker 4: like the ability to like love me and to show

654
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:52,520
Speaker 4: me support, because there are men who will do that.

655
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:56,160
Speaker 4: And I think ultimately this comes down to what is

656
00:30:56,200 --> 00:31:00,840
Speaker 4: our relationship with ourselves and what is our actual belief

657
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:04,200
Speaker 4: in our deservingness of having somebody who takes care of you,

658
00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:06,560
Speaker 4: who shows up for you, right, But that's the person

659
00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:09,240
Speaker 4: who you are, who even if he's not perfect, because

660
00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:12,560
Speaker 4: nobody is. Even if he's not perfect, like, he still

661
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:14,960
Speaker 4: is trying, like he wants to do better, right, And

662
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,880
Speaker 4: I just think so many women get they just they

663
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:21,360
Speaker 4: just spend so much of their precious I agree with

664
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:25,240
Speaker 4: emotion energy I agree with you trying to get somebody

665
00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:25,840
Speaker 4: to do better.

666
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:29,480
Speaker 3: Who's like, that's not there are somebody better, but he's

667
00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:31,640
Speaker 3: got to want to be better too.

668
00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:34,480
Speaker 1: To your point, for Jessica, because one thousand percent agree

669
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:36,440
Speaker 1: with it, we will stay longer than we should. We

670
00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 1: will waste time. But that's why I think that we

671
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:39,480
Speaker 1: should be testing for it.

672
00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:39,720
Speaker 3: Right.

673
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:42,200
Speaker 1: If you don't have the practice of understanding how to

674
00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:44,680
Speaker 1: guide him, does he respond to my guidance? If this

675
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:47,240
Speaker 1: person isn't guideable, I need to get out.

676
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:49,000
Speaker 3: I wanted to make that and I'm so glad you

677
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:51,480
Speaker 3: made that connection because I was sitting connect I'm like, yes,

678
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:54,080
Speaker 3: I think there's such great points, But it's about the timing.

679
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:56,520
Speaker 3: It's like, you need to demonstrate in the first few

680
00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:58,880
Speaker 3: months to a year of dating me that you are

681
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:02,520
Speaker 3: that you are willing to learn, learn, grow, be influenced, change,

682
00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:05,360
Speaker 3: give me what I need. You're figuring out what someone needs.

683
00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:07,560
Speaker 3: And maybe maybe you didn't grow up in a household

684
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:10,920
Speaker 3: where the man mopped the floors or carried a lot

685
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:13,840
Speaker 3: of some of the emotional weight of managing relationships in

686
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:16,160
Speaker 3: the family and all that, But are you willing to learn?

687
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:18,720
Speaker 3: Are you willing to push yourself in that direction. And

688
00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:21,800
Speaker 3: I think you can figure that out early when you're dating,

689
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:23,640
Speaker 3: and then you're killed in that relationship. And I think

690
00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:26,120
Speaker 3: there's signs that we miss that we ignore.

691
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:28,720
Speaker 1: I think that that's what we have to understand as women.

692
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:31,440
Speaker 1: I trained with the Gotmans and one of the things

693
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:34,520
Speaker 1: that they speak highly on is a woman's power of influence.

694
00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:37,640
Speaker 1: If a man cannot be influenced by her, she has

695
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,960
Speaker 1: no power. And so that's where we need to wake up.

696
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,000
Speaker 4: And I agree, and I think when it comes to dating,

697
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:45,719
Speaker 4: the way that I talk about this is like you

698
00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:48,560
Speaker 4: want to see and we're being so heteronormative here, So

699
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:53,960
Speaker 4: anybody who's like not straight, I see you and I

700
00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:56,960
Speaker 4: acknowledge you, and everything that I'm saying to me actually

701
00:32:57,000 --> 00:33:00,280
Speaker 4: applies to everyone, which is when you're dating somebody and

702
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:03,080
Speaker 4: early dating, I'm like, if somebody is not an early

703
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:06,120
Speaker 4: dating able to like meet you where you are, and

704
00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:08,080
Speaker 4: that's how I think of it, right, So even like

705
00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:11,080
Speaker 4: like like a take a common scenario, somebody matches with

706
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:12,800
Speaker 4: somebody on a dating app or maybe you meet them

707
00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:15,640
Speaker 4: in person, and now you're texting buddies, right, And now

708
00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:19,520
Speaker 4: you're texting and they're texting you good morning, beautiful, how's

709
00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:20,040
Speaker 4: your day?

710
00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:21,400
Speaker 3: And you and you have this.

711
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:25,920
Speaker 4: Whole like superficial non relationship, like this texting relationship, and

712
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:28,280
Speaker 4: when people they'll be like, oh god, it's just like

713
00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:30,640
Speaker 4: why does he just keep sending me this? And I'm like, well,

714
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:33,600
Speaker 4: do something about that, like don't just respond to those

715
00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:36,640
Speaker 4: messages every day, like say like, hey, you know, what

716
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:38,720
Speaker 4: if you actually like if you if you want to

717
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:40,600
Speaker 4: get to know me, if you want you know, if

718
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:42,200
Speaker 4: you want to move things forward, if you want to

719
00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:44,240
Speaker 4: get like let me know, like you just put the

720
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:46,080
Speaker 4: ball in his court. And that to me is like Okay,

721
00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:47,840
Speaker 4: who can meet you there? Who can be like okay, yes,

722
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:50,560
Speaker 4: Like I'd love to take you out? What time you know,

723
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:52,920
Speaker 4: when are you available? What is your weekend looking like?

724
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:54,560
Speaker 3: What? Like That's what I'm looking for.

725
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:57,280
Speaker 4: And I want people to like feel empowered to say,

726
00:33:57,320 --> 00:34:00,440
Speaker 4: like I don't just have to go along with the

727
00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:03,560
Speaker 4: just how it is or how this other person is behaving.

728
00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:07,280
Speaker 4: I actually am co creating this dynamic because that's the thing.

729
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:11,000
Speaker 4: And I think in dating and Mary, tell me what

730
00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:13,160
Speaker 4: you think about this, But I think so many people

731
00:34:13,160 --> 00:34:15,799
Speaker 4: are so focused on I want somebody who checks all

732
00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:19,080
Speaker 4: these boxes and they just are so focused on the

733
00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:22,160
Speaker 4: other person that they're not actually thinking about but what

734
00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:23,320
Speaker 4: happens when we come together?

735
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:25,080
Speaker 3: What are we co creating together?

736
00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:27,680
Speaker 4: Because that relationship that the two of you are going

737
00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:29,400
Speaker 4: to have is its own entity.

738
00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:32,000
Speaker 3: It's a brand new dynamic. It's never existed before.

739
00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:35,120
Speaker 4: And if you are from the very beginning just like, well,

740
00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:37,400
Speaker 4: I'm just going to sit here and hope that you know,

741
00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:40,000
Speaker 4: they read my mind and hope that they step up

742
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:42,399
Speaker 4: like that's not what are you doing? You know, you're

743
00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:45,560
Speaker 4: setting yourself up for not great success in my long term.

744
00:34:45,680 --> 00:34:46,840
Speaker 4: In my opinion, when you think.

745
00:34:46,719 --> 00:34:50,480
Speaker 1: Mar I think that it's extremely important that you always

746
00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:51,960
Speaker 1: check in with self.

747
00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:52,279
Speaker 3: Right.

748
00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:54,239
Speaker 1: So even in so that's like to start with the

749
00:34:54,239 --> 00:34:56,360
Speaker 1: first communication piece that you said, right, I don't like

750
00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:58,160
Speaker 1: the way that this guy is messaging and he hasn't.

751
00:34:57,920 --> 00:34:58,560
Speaker 2: Asked me out yet.

752
00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:01,360
Speaker 1: I know you aren't as heavy as differentiating between the

753
00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:04,400
Speaker 1: masculine and feminine, but the masculine will say this is

754
00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:06,400
Speaker 1: you know, this is wasting my time. If you're not

755
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:07,800
Speaker 1: that into me and you're not taking me out, I

756
00:35:07,840 --> 00:35:11,400
Speaker 1: gotta go. What I practice is the feminine, which is

757
00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:13,600
Speaker 1: what is the language that he needs to hear to

758
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:17,160
Speaker 1: get what I want? So I really enjoy speing with you.

759
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:20,360
Speaker 1: It is so stimulating. I would love for us to

760
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:23,719
Speaker 1: take this to you know, maybe a FaceTime and potentially

761
00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:27,000
Speaker 1: see if the energy match is there. Once we establish that,

762
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:29,920
Speaker 1: then we can move them to Oh, I really loved this.

763
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:31,799
Speaker 1: I would love to see you in person. You know

764
00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:34,840
Speaker 1: we had a great connection. It is it's in the

765
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:37,839
Speaker 1: language that we use that makes them feel good about themselves.

766
00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:40,520
Speaker 1: But also checking in with well, when I do this,

767
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,000
Speaker 1: how does he make me feel about me? Do I

768
00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:45,399
Speaker 1: like how he is responding to me? If I don't

769
00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:47,560
Speaker 1: like how I because I know I'm coming with it

770
00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:49,680
Speaker 1: because I have the skill. But if he's not showing

771
00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:53,399
Speaker 1: up and reinforcing the great juju that I'm giving, then I.

772
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:54,439
Speaker 2: Know it's not a good fit.

773
00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:58,120
Speaker 1: And then the second element is I'm a huge advocate

774
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:00,759
Speaker 1: for something that I created called the Pizza qualities. Is

775
00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:04,040
Speaker 1: the crust that you believe makes him a good person. Okay,

776
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:06,520
Speaker 1: if this these are the five core values that you

777
00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:09,600
Speaker 1: have and his character doesn't align with those five core

778
00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:12,759
Speaker 1: values of the crust, then we can't move on to

779
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:14,640
Speaker 1: the sauce, because the sauce is what are the five

780
00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:16,800
Speaker 1: qualities of what I need to feel loved?

781
00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:18,480
Speaker 2: Right? I know how I give love.

782
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:20,520
Speaker 1: These are these five qualities, But how do I need

783
00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:22,000
Speaker 1: to experience it from him?

784
00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:22,880
Speaker 2: What is the treatment?

785
00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:25,080
Speaker 1: Because if he can't come through with the treatment, I

786
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:28,359
Speaker 1: don't care if he checks off all the good person things. Now,

787
00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:31,600
Speaker 1: the treatment is what actually helps you, guys to be involved,

788
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:34,200
Speaker 1: to do the dance together, to show his interest and

789
00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:37,160
Speaker 1: his pursuit. And then the last five or the toppings, Well,

790
00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:38,799
Speaker 1: what do I need to be sexually attracted and take

791
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:41,919
Speaker 1: my clothes off for him? Because the toppings are always negotiable? Right,

792
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:43,640
Speaker 1: if he comes with the crust and the sauce, you're

793
00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:44,920
Speaker 1: gonna want to be naked for him.

794
00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:47,880
Speaker 2: So what are those things? And I think that we

795
00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:48,640
Speaker 2: have missed it.

796
00:36:48,680 --> 00:36:50,200
Speaker 1: I think we're like, well, we need him to earn this,

797
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:52,200
Speaker 1: and we need him to be this, and we need

798
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:53,440
Speaker 1: him to you know, take.

799
00:36:53,239 --> 00:36:54,840
Speaker 2: Me out on ten dates before you know.

800
00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 1: Like, there's so much noise out there about relationships and

801
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:01,680
Speaker 1: not coming from people like you and I Francesco, who

802
00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:04,759
Speaker 1: have studied this, who have practiced this, who have implemented this,

803
00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:08,480
Speaker 1: who have tested it on clients, and the Internet is

804
00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:12,040
Speaker 1: telling people twenty thousand different things about what to do,

805
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:15,200
Speaker 1: coming from people who it's not their purpose. It is

806
00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:15,880
Speaker 1: not their purpose.

807
00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:16,600
Speaker 2: They are not.

808
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:18,759
Speaker 1: Walking and listening to God's voice. When they're giving you

809
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:22,720
Speaker 1: that information, they're speaking from wounds. They're speaking from sometimes

810
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:25,319
Speaker 1: because I'm spiritual. Sometimes it's the enemy. They don't want

811
00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:28,480
Speaker 1: us in healthy relationship. They're just venting. They grabbed a

812
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:31,600
Speaker 1: mic and they're venting. But they're not guiding us to love.

813
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:33,640
Speaker 1: And that's Sart's one of most when within the feminine,

814
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:34,160
Speaker 1: I'm sorry.

815
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:35,640
Speaker 2: We are the masters of love.

816
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:37,279
Speaker 1: We are the masters of love, and if we're not

817
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:39,680
Speaker 1: tapping into it, then that's also going to have a

818
00:37:39,719 --> 00:37:42,120
Speaker 1: ricochet effect on our men. But no, we don't stay

819
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:44,320
Speaker 1: longer than we should. We test for it all the time.

820
00:37:44,719 --> 00:37:48,960
Speaker 3: What are some early relationship green flags for y'all, Like

821
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:51,600
Speaker 3: if you're seeing these things from the beginning, even if

822
00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:54,720
Speaker 3: it seems like a fixer upper, Because I always equate

823
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:57,160
Speaker 3: dating to kind of like looking for investment properties. You're

824
00:37:57,160 --> 00:37:58,840
Speaker 3: not going to get everything you want in one house,

825
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:01,400
Speaker 3: but what has got good bones? What can we work with?

826
00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:03,960
Speaker 1: I always test for a problem solver, whether I'm presenting

827
00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:05,880
Speaker 1: to you a challenge that I'm having at work, or

828
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:08,399
Speaker 1: I need this fixed, or I don't know what I'm

829
00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:11,359
Speaker 1: going to do about you know this flat sire, or

830
00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:13,320
Speaker 1: I don't you know know how to fix this bookshelf.

831
00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:17,239
Speaker 1: Does he lean in and say I got you okay,

832
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:19,799
Speaker 1: or I'm gonna hire someone to do it for you.

833
00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:20,960
Speaker 2: I prefer him to do it himself.

834
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:26,680
Speaker 1: But as long as it gets fixed, handyman is very

835
00:38:26,719 --> 00:38:29,480
Speaker 1: attractive because that shows, you know, his ability to build.

836
00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:31,960
Speaker 1: It shows the masculine men or you know, extreme builders.

837
00:38:32,239 --> 00:38:34,680
Speaker 1: If he doesn't want to build with me or for me,

838
00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:37,200
Speaker 1: then he's not going to actually invest.

839
00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:37,359
Speaker 3: In me later.

840
00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:39,919
Speaker 1: And so to me if he's like, oh my gosh,

841
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:41,680
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry to experience that, like you know, what

842
00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:43,520
Speaker 1: are you going to do about? Like to me, it's

843
00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:47,799
Speaker 1: the it's the problem solving mode because I don't want

844
00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:48,800
Speaker 1: to work that hard.

845
00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:52,359
Speaker 2: I don't want to live a hard life. I want

846
00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:56,239
Speaker 2: to live a spicy life. Jessica, what about you?

847
00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:58,319
Speaker 3: I definitely agree. I agree with that.

848
00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:01,600
Speaker 4: Like somebody who is a problem somebody who is proactive

849
00:39:01,719 --> 00:39:05,120
Speaker 4: generally so proactive about getting to know you, proactive about

850
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:08,439
Speaker 4: spending time with you. I mean, the thing that makes

851
00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:11,000
Speaker 4: me crazy is when people and again I'll just go

852
00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:14,960
Speaker 4: back to this heterodynamic membor not here, you know, like

853
00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:18,120
Speaker 4: when when women are like doing all they can to

854
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:20,080
Speaker 4: try to get this guy to ask them out again,

855
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:23,359
Speaker 4: and I'm like, if he's not, if there's not the enthusiasm,

856
00:39:23,440 --> 00:39:26,680
Speaker 4: if there's not the like actual proactive drive of like, yes,

857
00:39:26,800 --> 00:39:28,480
Speaker 4: I want to spend time with you. I want to

858
00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:31,319
Speaker 4: get to know you better. I care about what it

859
00:39:31,360 --> 00:39:33,239
Speaker 4: is that you care about. Like those are the things

860
00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:35,680
Speaker 4: that I think are really great green flags. And I

861
00:39:35,719 --> 00:39:39,680
Speaker 4: also think that, you know, people who have personal responsibility, right, so,

862
00:39:39,719 --> 00:39:42,719
Speaker 4: people who take responsibility for their lives, for their choices,

863
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:45,520
Speaker 4: like you know. So the opposite of that is somebody

864
00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:48,520
Speaker 4: who's blaming everybody for everybody else for all their problems.

865
00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:52,080
Speaker 4: Is their exes that terrible, everybody's terrible, everybody's out to

866
00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:55,040
Speaker 4: get them, you know. The opposite of that somebody who's like,

867
00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:57,759
Speaker 4: not that there isn't lots of nonsense that happens in

868
00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:01,439
Speaker 4: the world, but they are basic just feel empowered enough,

869
00:40:01,520 --> 00:40:05,759
Speaker 4: like I actually take responsibility for my actions. Because if

870
00:40:05,800 --> 00:40:07,920
Speaker 4: you are in a relationship with somebody who does not

871
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:11,400
Speaker 4: take responsibility for their actions, you are going to suffer

872
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:15,040
Speaker 4: for sure. So I'm really looking for that enthusiasm, that

873
00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:19,120
Speaker 4: proactivity and just like, okay, this is a responsible person

874
00:40:19,239 --> 00:40:21,960
Speaker 4: who actually because if you think about, like, if.

875
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:24,120
Speaker 3: You're looking for a life partner, do you.

876
00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:26,040
Speaker 4: Want to be with somebody who doesn't know how to

877
00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:28,440
Speaker 4: pay a bill on time or you know, who doesn't

878
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:31,359
Speaker 4: know how to like, you know, say I'm sorry, I'd

879
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,359
Speaker 4: be like, yeah, actually I mess that up. I need

880
00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:35,239
Speaker 4: to do better, Like it's it's not going to be

881
00:40:35,239 --> 00:40:38,160
Speaker 4: such a happy relationship and who cares about you and

882
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:40,040
Speaker 4: who's excited about you? Right, because that's the other thing

883
00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:41,360
Speaker 4: you don't want somebody to just be with you? Like

884
00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:42,239
Speaker 4: all right, well you're here.

885
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:48,600
Speaker 3: Do y'all have a favorite dating reality show other than Stiklings?

886
00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:53,479
Speaker 3: But do you have one? Because there's married a First Sight,

887
00:40:53,600 --> 00:40:56,480
Speaker 3: there's love is Blind, there's love Isoland. Like, do y'all

888
00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:59,120
Speaker 3: have a show that you kind of watch, like, you

889
00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:00,880
Speaker 3: know for funzies you enjoy.

890
00:41:01,280 --> 00:41:03,000
Speaker 2: Love sneaky links and love is blind?

891
00:41:04,239 --> 00:41:05,160
Speaker 3: You like love is blind?

892
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:08,440
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, the concept of not being able to do this,

893
00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:10,920
Speaker 1: So it's the concept, right I love Scripted, though Scripted

894
00:41:11,120 --> 00:41:13,759
Speaker 1: has my heart, but the concept of reality and love

895
00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:16,480
Speaker 1: is blind of you not being able to see the

896
00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:19,720
Speaker 1: person and just experience them. To me, that is like, uh,

897
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:22,880
Speaker 1: I love that because I do think that as a society,

898
00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:24,920
Speaker 1: we judge a book by its cover, and as much

899
00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:28,359
Speaker 1: as we judge a person based on the toppings, that

900
00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:30,200
Speaker 1: is not what makes a good.

901
00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:31,439
Speaker 2: Husband or why.

902
00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:33,680
Speaker 1: At the end of the day, the priorities is how

903
00:41:33,719 --> 00:41:36,200
Speaker 1: this person makes you feel, how this person helps you,

904
00:41:36,280 --> 00:41:38,400
Speaker 1: how this person you know, is aligned with your purpose.

905
00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:41,400
Speaker 1: While you do want to have sexual attraction, just the

906
00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:45,240
Speaker 1: concept of that show to me is so moving because honestly,

907
00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:48,080
Speaker 1: love is blind on dating apps right now until you

908
00:41:48,080 --> 00:41:49,640
Speaker 1: actually see the person in person.

909
00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:53,359
Speaker 3: I just wish they wouldn't make you put a ring

910
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:55,680
Speaker 3: on it. That's where they kill the people in that show.

911
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:58,160
Speaker 1: As production, you've got to have that thing at the end,

912
00:41:58,719 --> 00:42:02,680
Speaker 1: that is that like final moment of decision, you.

913
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:05,719
Speaker 3: Know, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was. I was.

914
00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:10,120
Speaker 4: I have a reality dating show concept that I was.

915
00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:11,759
Speaker 4: I was partying with a production company and we were

916
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:13,440
Speaker 4: starting to pitch it and everybody's like, but because it

917
00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:16,000
Speaker 4: was it was that like, it's not you're not at

918
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:17,719
Speaker 4: the altar at the end, and they're like, but you know,

919
00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:19,799
Speaker 4: we need to raise the stakes. They gotta like, you know,

920
00:42:20,160 --> 00:42:24,160
Speaker 4: they want that that high stakes that you know, marriage

921
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:24,839
Speaker 4: at the end.

922
00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:25,920
Speaker 3: But I'm not a.

923
00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:28,560
Speaker 4: Huge fan of these shows because they tend to I

924
00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:31,600
Speaker 4: have watched Love is Blind, and it stresses me out.

925
00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:35,800
Speaker 4: I just I just find it fascinating how much people project.

926
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:37,640
Speaker 4: It's like, yeah, so they're not seeing each other, but

927
00:42:37,719 --> 00:42:40,120
Speaker 4: the way they say things to each other, like I'm

928
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,560
Speaker 4: gonna make you happy, You're never gonna feel sad or

929
00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:45,239
Speaker 4: lonely ever again. I'm going to make sure that you

930
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:48,319
Speaker 4: never feel And I'm like, this isn't people, this is

931
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:52,160
Speaker 4: not reality, Like, this is not how relationships work. But

932
00:42:52,160 --> 00:42:55,280
Speaker 4: but my favorite of those shows is Love on the Spectrum.

933
00:42:57,040 --> 00:42:59,279
Speaker 3: Why do you love Love Love on the Spectrum so much?

934
00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:00,920
Speaker 3: What is it about that? Because I've heard a lot

935
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:03,719
Speaker 3: of people that's like their comfort watch. Yeah, because it's

936
00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:05,160
Speaker 3: the purity of it.

937
00:43:05,160 --> 00:43:07,719
Speaker 4: It's really just like everybody in the show, like they

938
00:43:07,719 --> 00:43:09,160
Speaker 4: don't have any kind of like.

939
00:43:09,760 --> 00:43:12,080
Speaker 3: There's no artifice, there's no duplicity.

940
00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:15,239
Speaker 4: They're so open, they're so transparent, even to the point

941
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:16,680
Speaker 4: like they'll be on a date and they're like, I'm

942
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:19,520
Speaker 4: starting to feel overwhelmed. Like they'll say that to each

943
00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:20,960
Speaker 4: other and I would be like, okay, like do you

944
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:22,920
Speaker 4: want me to I can stop looking at you? Or

945
00:43:22,960 --> 00:43:24,680
Speaker 4: do you want to go take a walk or like

946
00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:27,319
Speaker 4: and they're like okay. Like I'm like, it's like the

947
00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:30,160
Speaker 4: opposite of how those of us who aren't you know,

948
00:43:30,239 --> 00:43:33,360
Speaker 4: on the spectrum at least not that far on the spectrum,

949
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:35,600
Speaker 4: because we're all on the spectrum somewhat. It's like it's

950
00:43:35,640 --> 00:43:38,759
Speaker 4: the opposite of how much of like just pretending and

951
00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:40,600
Speaker 4: like I'm going to say this thing or I'm going

952
00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:41,920
Speaker 4: to just like they just don't do that.

953
00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:44,000
Speaker 3: They're just totally genuine you know, they're like.

954
00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:47,000
Speaker 1: So you feeling you feel connected to their vulnerability and

955
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:50,520
Speaker 1: they're honesty. Yeah, there is something extremely endearing about that,

956
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:53,759
Speaker 1: especially when you're dating in real life. Though, Like, the

957
00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:56,319
Speaker 1: more that we can do that right, that we can say, hey,

958
00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:58,440
Speaker 1: this is how I feel, we can test work does

959
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:01,720
Speaker 1: this person receive it right? Like? How does this person

960
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:04,440
Speaker 1: handle my feelings? They how did they get how did

961
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:06,759
Speaker 1: they respond to me? I think we need to do

962
00:44:06,840 --> 00:44:07,480
Speaker 1: more of that.

963
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:10,760
Speaker 3: There's this fear. You know, there's that show. I didn't

964
00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:12,759
Speaker 3: I wasn't obsessed with the show so much. But the

965
00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:17,200
Speaker 3: show with Kristen Bell and Homeboy from the OC where

966
00:44:17,239 --> 00:44:19,920
Speaker 3: they had you know, that's another Netflix show. What's it called.

967
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:22,359
Speaker 3: It's called Nobody Wants This?

968
00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:25,120
Speaker 2: Oh, she had to marry a Jewish?

969
00:44:25,239 --> 00:44:28,400
Speaker 3: Was he Jewish? Yes? Yeah, yes, yeah, he's a rabbi.

970
00:44:29,239 --> 00:44:31,400
Speaker 3: But there was a part in that show that was

971
00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:34,920
Speaker 3: going viral. It's when he tells her you're not too

972
00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:37,799
Speaker 3: much for me, like you can be messy like this,

973
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:39,840
Speaker 3: like it's not too much for me, and it was

974
00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:41,960
Speaker 3: what was so romantic about that? And like to what

975
00:44:42,040 --> 00:44:45,640
Speaker 3: y'all are speaking about? And as someone who's like god,

976
00:44:46,200 --> 00:44:50,560
Speaker 3: I have so many I think any woman who's like us,

977
00:44:50,600 --> 00:44:54,480
Speaker 3: who is like very resilient, ambitious, like exciting, like you

978
00:44:54,520 --> 00:44:57,359
Speaker 3: bring so much light and sparkle to people's lives, there's

979
00:44:57,360 --> 00:45:00,839
Speaker 3: something underneath that. There's pain, there's trauma, there's a story there,

980
00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:03,560
Speaker 3: and I think that that you know, and I'm healing

981
00:45:03,560 --> 00:45:05,160
Speaker 3: from a lot and I have been my whole life.

982
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:08,560
Speaker 3: And like sometimes you're afraid to show or not afraid,

983
00:45:08,560 --> 00:45:12,640
Speaker 3: but sometimes you worry that if you show all that

984
00:45:12,719 --> 00:45:15,360
Speaker 3: side to yourself and you show the raw, the yucky

985
00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:18,000
Speaker 3: that you know, you show that early that the other

986
00:45:18,080 --> 00:45:20,879
Speaker 3: person won't be won't we'll be like, oh, that bitch

987
00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:23,840
Speaker 3: is crazy, or like that's too much for me. And

988
00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:26,560
Speaker 3: so that declaration of love but not love, but just

989
00:45:26,600 --> 00:45:29,480
Speaker 3: saying like you can show me these sides of yourself

990
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:32,080
Speaker 3: and it's not too much for me. I wish of

991
00:45:32,120 --> 00:45:34,719
Speaker 3: that kind of love for so many more women, And like,

992
00:45:35,040 --> 00:45:38,880
Speaker 3: I would love y'all's perspective on whether it's neurodivergency, Like

993
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:42,239
Speaker 3: if you're someone who's like I suffer from anxiety and depression,

994
00:45:42,480 --> 00:45:44,319
Speaker 3: there's a lot about my mental health I didn't know

995
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:46,360
Speaker 3: about when I was twenty four dating my husband. I

996
00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:48,600
Speaker 3: didn't know how to like put a label on that.

997
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:50,360
Speaker 3: But as soon as I did know, I was like, so,

998
00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:53,960
Speaker 3: here's what we talked about therapy today, and here's this

999
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:56,279
Speaker 3: medication that I'm on. And like, kudos to him because

1000
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:58,319
Speaker 3: he was he was like, Okay, this is part of you.

1001
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:00,200
Speaker 3: I want to learn. But what advice do you all

1002
00:46:00,239 --> 00:46:04,239
Speaker 3: have in relationships when you are maybe struggling with some

1003
00:46:04,320 --> 00:46:07,640
Speaker 3: mental health or you know, some conditions that you have

1004
00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:10,200
Speaker 3: and wanting to open up with your partner, but don't

1005
00:46:10,239 --> 00:46:12,880
Speaker 3: want to be You're afraid of rejection is really what

1006
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:13,520
Speaker 3: it comes down to.

1007
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:17,520
Speaker 2: So one, I love the movie that you mentioned.

1008
00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:22,120
Speaker 1: I love a great rom com, and I am obsessed

1009
00:46:22,200 --> 00:46:26,879
Speaker 1: with vulnerability and intimacy. So the I in Spicy is intimacy.

1010
00:46:26,960 --> 00:46:31,640
Speaker 1: When you are going to share information that's positive or negative,

1011
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:34,880
Speaker 1: right that maybe you're afraid of the judgment. I'm a

1012
00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:36,480
Speaker 1: firm believer and this is going in the book what

1013
00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:38,600
Speaker 1: you guys are have.

1014
00:46:38,680 --> 00:46:41,480
Speaker 2: Very much heard about. You test for can this person

1015
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:42,719
Speaker 2: handle my vulnerability?

1016
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:42,960
Speaker 3: Right?

1017
00:46:42,960 --> 00:46:43,960
Speaker 2: That's fish and broccoli.

1018
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:48,960
Speaker 1: When I give you this lighthearted, low stakes information that

1019
00:46:49,080 --> 00:46:53,200
Speaker 1: gives the perception of vulnerability, how do you handle that?

1020
00:46:53,320 --> 00:46:55,120
Speaker 2: Because if you can't handle me telling.

1021
00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:58,160
Speaker 1: You about the death of my father and how that

1022
00:46:58,200 --> 00:47:00,840
Speaker 1: affected me and we keep it light, then you're not

1023
00:47:00,880 --> 00:47:02,920
Speaker 1: going to be able to handle when I tell you

1024
00:47:03,200 --> 00:47:05,880
Speaker 1: that I didn't know him because he was in jail

1025
00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:08,919
Speaker 1: for twelve years and when I met him, he died

1026
00:47:08,920 --> 00:47:11,960
Speaker 1: from pneumonia because the hepatitis that he contracted in jail

1027
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:15,359
Speaker 1: that already messed up his lungs, and you know, his

1028
00:47:15,360 --> 00:47:18,719
Speaker 1: family abandoned. Like when I get into the steak and potatoes.

1029
00:47:18,840 --> 00:47:22,480
Speaker 1: You're gonna run because you haven't earned that high level

1030
00:47:22,680 --> 00:47:25,560
Speaker 1: of intimacy to show me or prove to me that

1031
00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:27,600
Speaker 1: you can handle the fish and broccoli. So we test

1032
00:47:27,640 --> 00:47:29,440
Speaker 1: for first, how does this person respond to the light

1033
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:32,239
Speaker 1: fish and broccoli, And then if they respond well and

1034
00:47:32,280 --> 00:47:38,080
Speaker 1: they are emotionally available or supportive in this interactive intimacy process,

1035
00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:40,480
Speaker 1: then they can move on to steak and potatoes.

1036
00:47:40,480 --> 00:47:43,160
Speaker 2: And then here are the real like wounds of my heart.

1037
00:47:43,560 --> 00:47:47,279
Speaker 1: So I do think that there's you know, behind everything

1038
00:47:47,320 --> 00:47:52,360
Speaker 1: that I do is clearly strategy, but we're tossing and receiving, okay,

1039
00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:55,440
Speaker 1: And then we also test for a second step by saying, okay,

1040
00:47:55,560 --> 00:47:58,399
Speaker 1: I shared with you, Now give it up, you share

1041
00:47:58,400 --> 00:48:01,560
Speaker 1: it with me. Right, we talked questions back, I just

1042
00:48:01,600 --> 00:48:04,920
Speaker 1: shared about something I experienced with my father. Have you

1043
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:07,600
Speaker 1: ever lost a loved one? And how did you handle that?

1044
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:10,520
Speaker 1: If they're not willing to share with you, right, they

1045
00:48:10,560 --> 00:48:12,479
Speaker 1: responded what to maybe you said? But then the next

1046
00:48:12,560 --> 00:48:15,120
Speaker 1: test is like, well will they give it back? Then

1047
00:48:15,160 --> 00:48:16,960
Speaker 1: we're not going to be able to create your intimacy

1048
00:48:17,000 --> 00:48:19,480
Speaker 1: because if I'm the only one giving vulnerability and you

1049
00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:21,080
Speaker 1: may receive it.

1050
00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:24,360
Speaker 2: But you won't exchange it. We're at a deadlock.

1051
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:26,560
Speaker 3: The way I had to claw my husband out of

1052
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:30,200
Speaker 3: his little cancer shell. I tell you, if he's a cancer,

1053
00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:37,080
Speaker 3: I'm like, uh, is he all shell? No? Meed, I'm

1054
00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:42,920
Speaker 3: just like. It makes you feel very lonely when the

1055
00:48:42,960 --> 00:48:46,520
Speaker 3: other person is not coming toward you, and you know,

1056
00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:48,239
Speaker 3: and they think that they're doing the right thing just

1057
00:48:48,280 --> 00:48:51,240
Speaker 3: being a sounding we're just listening, but it's that sharing.

1058
00:48:51,280 --> 00:48:53,520
Speaker 3: It's like the echoing of maybe I don't know what

1059
00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:55,400
Speaker 3: you're going through, but here's something that I've gone through.

1060
00:48:55,480 --> 00:48:58,359
Speaker 3: And when you don't have the emotional language or you're

1061
00:48:58,360 --> 00:49:02,080
Speaker 3: not used to go in there and being introspective, it

1062
00:49:02,160 --> 00:49:07,040
Speaker 3: creates loneliness that can be so like noxious or like

1063
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:09,240
Speaker 3: almost like a cancer that kind of spreads.

1064
00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:12,160
Speaker 4: And I think it's worse than being single. I mean,

1065
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:14,799
Speaker 4: if you're in a relationship with someone in you and

1066
00:49:14,840 --> 00:49:17,919
Speaker 4: you don't feel like you have that emotional intimacy, oh

1067
00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:19,440
Speaker 4: my god, that's so that's.

1068
00:49:19,239 --> 00:49:20,920
Speaker 3: The loneliest feeling in the world.

1069
00:49:21,080 --> 00:49:23,560
Speaker 4: I think in my definition of true love, which you know,

1070
00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:26,759
Speaker 4: I really define that as about a relationship and a

1071
00:49:26,800 --> 00:49:29,839
Speaker 4: relationship that has particular qualities and one of those is

1072
00:49:29,920 --> 00:49:33,759
Speaker 4: emotional intimacy, you know, emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy.

1073
00:49:33,920 --> 00:49:37,280
Speaker 4: And I agree with Madi totally, Like if you're sharing

1074
00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:40,960
Speaker 4: things with somebody and they're just like that's nice and

1075
00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:44,160
Speaker 4: they're not giving you because we all got something, you know,

1076
00:49:45,120 --> 00:49:47,360
Speaker 4: and they're not giving you anything in return, that's really

1077
00:49:47,400 --> 00:49:50,560
Speaker 4: not a good sign. But I also will say I

1078
00:49:50,600 --> 00:49:53,160
Speaker 4: want to call out I want to call out women

1079
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:55,319
Speaker 4: a little bit here, because there are a lot of

1080
00:49:55,360 --> 00:49:58,080
Speaker 4: women who, even though they say they want an emotionally

1081
00:49:58,360 --> 00:50:03,560
Speaker 4: vulnerable available man, their ability to actually handle that vulnerability

1082
00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:07,239
Speaker 4: from men is very low. And that is something that

1083
00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:09,840
Speaker 4: a lot of women need to work on and recognize

1084
00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:11,759
Speaker 4: about myself, Like, like, oh, I liked him, but then

1085
00:50:12,000 --> 00:50:14,600
Speaker 4: he started talking about his dad and this and that,

1086
00:50:14,920 --> 00:50:16,680
Speaker 4: and then I started feeling like, oh.

1087
00:50:16,520 --> 00:50:17,840
Speaker 3: God, well are you gonna cry?

1088
00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:19,319
Speaker 4: Like I don't want to cry, you know, Like it's

1089
00:50:19,360 --> 00:50:22,640
Speaker 4: like this like all this narrative around, like oh, I

1090
00:50:22,680 --> 00:50:24,520
Speaker 4: don't want to see that, Like I want him to

1091
00:50:24,560 --> 00:50:27,040
Speaker 4: be kind of like has some softness, but I don't want.

1092
00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:28,440
Speaker 3: To see that full vulnerability.

1093
00:50:28,560 --> 00:50:31,320
Speaker 4: And I think a lot of women have a tendency

1094
00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:33,960
Speaker 4: to get turned off when a guy is like quote

1095
00:50:33,960 --> 00:50:36,399
Speaker 4: too vulnerable and tell and shares a lot of things

1096
00:50:36,440 --> 00:50:38,560
Speaker 4: that are that may be emotional, that may be difficult,

1097
00:50:39,040 --> 00:50:41,480
Speaker 4: And so I think that women need to check themselves

1098
00:50:41,480 --> 00:50:43,360
Speaker 4: on that and say like, Okay, well wait, what is

1099
00:50:43,400 --> 00:50:45,640
Speaker 4: it about me that I don't feel like? You know,

1100
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:49,000
Speaker 4: I see him as less masculine perhaps because he showed me.

1101
00:50:49,080 --> 00:50:51,680
Speaker 4: I mean, this is like we're all this whole masculine

1102
00:50:51,719 --> 00:50:55,160
Speaker 4: feminine thing, like we're co creating this together. And if

1103
00:50:55,200 --> 00:50:57,560
Speaker 4: you are somebody who equates being feminine with being in

1104
00:50:57,600 --> 00:51:01,400
Speaker 4: touch with your emotions and being masculine with being shut

1105
00:51:01,400 --> 00:51:05,279
Speaker 4: off from your emotions unless it's like anger or lust, basically,

1106
00:51:05,400 --> 00:51:07,680
Speaker 4: what kind of relationship are you actually going to have?

1107
00:51:08,280 --> 00:51:11,040
Speaker 4: So I think it needs to be Yes, you're looking

1108
00:51:11,040 --> 00:51:12,719
Speaker 4: to see who can meet you there, but you're looking

1109
00:51:12,760 --> 00:51:17,799
Speaker 4: to see what is my reaction when somebody actually does

1110
00:51:17,840 --> 00:51:20,680
Speaker 4: show me that vulnerability. Can I receive it from someone else?

1111
00:51:22,840 --> 00:51:26,400
Speaker 3: Yeah? I think as a mom of two boys and

1112
00:51:26,480 --> 00:51:28,440
Speaker 3: I always wanted a girl, I always thought like, this

1113
00:51:28,480 --> 00:51:30,120
Speaker 3: would be great, I can have a girl, I can,

1114
00:51:30,920 --> 00:51:32,680
Speaker 3: you know, And this is like my own stuff. I

1115
00:51:32,680 --> 00:51:35,279
Speaker 3: think being a mom and being a parent is so egotistical.

1116
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:37,960
Speaker 3: Sometimes it's like, how can I heal myself through this baby?

1117
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:40,160
Speaker 3: But I was like, oh, with a girl, I can

1118
00:51:40,200 --> 00:51:42,160
Speaker 3: really teach her how to love herself and I won't

1119
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:44,160
Speaker 3: make her feel other to her whole life and all that.

1120
00:51:44,480 --> 00:51:46,120
Speaker 3: But then I don't have these boys, and I'm like,

1121
00:51:46,160 --> 00:51:48,239
Speaker 3: what are you trying to tell me? Lord? What is

1122
00:51:48,280 --> 00:51:50,560
Speaker 3: it about? What is it about me that? What is

1123
00:51:50,600 --> 00:51:52,440
Speaker 3: it that these boys are trying to teach me? And

1124
00:51:52,480 --> 00:51:56,560
Speaker 3: I think in a way, it's like creating emotionally available,

1125
00:51:56,560 --> 00:51:59,919
Speaker 3: emotionally intelligent men who feel safe and who creates safe

1126
00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:04,239
Speaker 3: spaces for others for their feelings, and who also know

1127
00:52:04,400 --> 00:52:07,040
Speaker 3: how to get in touch with their feelings as well.

1128
00:52:07,080 --> 00:52:09,920
Speaker 3: And I have hope for this generation of young boys.

1129
00:52:10,160 --> 00:52:13,880
Speaker 3: I think that maybe like my husband's generation, like a

1130
00:52:13,960 --> 00:52:16,239
Speaker 3: little bit, they're getting a little bit, but still have

1131
00:52:16,320 --> 00:52:19,160
Speaker 3: so much work to do. And I feel like this

1132
00:52:19,239 --> 00:52:20,680
Speaker 3: goes back to what you were saying in the beginning,

1133
00:52:20,719 --> 00:52:24,839
Speaker 3: Spicy about like how we can take some ownership over

1134
00:52:25,200 --> 00:52:28,239
Speaker 3: helping men, you know, reach certain emotional spaces. And I

1135
00:52:28,239 --> 00:52:31,880
Speaker 3: think it starts as children, like in school in home.

1136
00:52:32,080 --> 00:52:36,719
Speaker 3: You know, how are we cultivating these how are we

1137
00:52:36,840 --> 00:52:40,560
Speaker 3: like cultivating this emotional depth and safety in young men

1138
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:44,000
Speaker 3: and so that they can grow up and again super heteronormative.

1139
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:46,279
Speaker 3: But hey, like, if we're talking about two men who

1140
00:52:46,320 --> 00:52:48,719
Speaker 3: are in partnership, even all the more better both two

1141
00:52:48,719 --> 00:52:51,279
Speaker 3: boys who were raised you know, But like, what are

1142
00:52:51,360 --> 00:52:54,719
Speaker 3: some like what would y'all like to see us do

1143
00:52:54,920 --> 00:52:58,560
Speaker 3: for young boys and men to help raise enter women,

1144
00:52:58,600 --> 00:53:00,880
Speaker 3: to but men aspect boys especially to help raise them

1145
00:53:00,920 --> 00:53:04,280
Speaker 3: into incredible partners so that it doesn't become the problem

1146
00:53:04,360 --> 00:53:07,520
Speaker 3: of their future partner, to fix an unpack and get

1147
00:53:07,560 --> 00:53:10,000
Speaker 3: down to the broken foundation and fix it for them.

1148
00:53:10,600 --> 00:53:14,239
Speaker 1: I think you're right about how we're managing this generation

1149
00:53:14,440 --> 00:53:17,520
Speaker 1: because we have access to information and we're just so

1150
00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:20,440
Speaker 1: much more aware and conscious of our effect because our

1151
00:53:20,480 --> 00:53:22,640
Speaker 1: parents had a huge effect, right, Like all of those

1152
00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:25,560
Speaker 1: own therapy now because of what our parents did. So

1153
00:53:25,600 --> 00:53:27,879
Speaker 1: we're like, Okay, how can we get that therapy build

1154
00:53:27,920 --> 00:53:33,400
Speaker 1: down for our children? I think it really begins with

1155
00:53:33,920 --> 00:53:36,560
Speaker 1: us in the way that we teach them at a

1156
00:53:36,600 --> 00:53:40,279
Speaker 1: young age. Intimacy and communication. How do I express how

1157
00:53:40,360 --> 00:53:42,960
Speaker 1: I feel? How do I receive somebody else's feelings? And

1158
00:53:43,040 --> 00:53:46,800
Speaker 1: really having these conversations early on with them, right.

1159
00:53:46,640 --> 00:53:49,200
Speaker 2: So it is very much.

1160
00:53:51,480 --> 00:53:54,279
Speaker 1: Having them have it with you, role playing, but then

1161
00:53:54,360 --> 00:53:59,360
Speaker 1: also witnessing you do it in partnership. Right, So I

1162
00:53:59,400 --> 00:54:02,560
Speaker 1: have a pack with my husband when we have a disagreement,

1163
00:54:02,719 --> 00:54:04,880
Speaker 1: we cannot yell, but we can have a disagreement in

1164
00:54:04,880 --> 00:54:06,520
Speaker 1: front of our child. But if we're going to have

1165
00:54:06,520 --> 00:54:08,560
Speaker 1: a disagreement in front of him, he's also going to

1166
00:54:08,600 --> 00:54:11,279
Speaker 1: see the repair. He's also going to hear you apologize

1167
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:13,640
Speaker 1: to me, or he's also going to hear mommy made

1168
00:54:13,640 --> 00:54:17,040
Speaker 1: a mistake. So that that way he is seeing in

1169
00:54:17,120 --> 00:54:20,560
Speaker 1: real time what it looks like for two people who

1170
00:54:20,640 --> 00:54:24,840
Speaker 1: were emotionally charged to then regulate and then also heal

1171
00:54:25,080 --> 00:54:27,560
Speaker 1: in real time their partner through a wound that was

1172
00:54:27,600 --> 00:54:30,719
Speaker 1: just created. Right, And so now he's not as disruputees

1173
00:54:30,800 --> 00:54:34,000
Speaker 1: like whoa, I just saw that dynamic. And then later

1174
00:54:34,040 --> 00:54:36,000
Speaker 1: on he actually at three has circled back to the

1175
00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:39,000
Speaker 1: discussion and been like, Daddy, I don't like the way

1176
00:54:39,200 --> 00:54:40,680
Speaker 1: you talked to mommy earlier.

1177
00:54:40,840 --> 00:54:43,560
Speaker 2: Like holding my dad like his dad accountable too, how

1178
00:54:43,600 --> 00:54:46,400
Speaker 2: he spokes about like yes, then that's beautiful.

1179
00:54:46,400 --> 00:54:50,120
Speaker 4: And I think just letting boys have emotions, right, I mean,

1180
00:54:50,560 --> 00:54:54,200
Speaker 4: how many times are boys told by the time they're

1181
00:54:54,200 --> 00:54:56,600
Speaker 4: like five, like no, no, no tears, like you're a

1182
00:54:56,600 --> 00:54:58,440
Speaker 4: big boy, Like they don't want to hear it, you know,

1183
00:54:58,640 --> 00:55:02,319
Speaker 4: and so like letting them cry, being physically affectionate with them,

1184
00:55:02,560 --> 00:55:04,880
Speaker 4: you know. I mean that's another thing. So often if

1185
00:55:04,920 --> 00:55:08,000
Speaker 4: you see how people they know they're affectionate with their daughters,

1186
00:55:08,280 --> 00:55:10,279
Speaker 4: but with their sons, it's like this whole other thing

1187
00:55:10,280 --> 00:55:11,799
Speaker 4: because it's like, no, he's got to be a man,

1188
00:55:11,920 --> 00:55:13,640
Speaker 4: and he's got to be hard, he's.

1189
00:55:13,480 --> 00:55:14,200
Speaker 3: Got to be you know.

1190
00:55:14,719 --> 00:55:17,080
Speaker 4: And so I think we've reached the end of that.

1191
00:55:17,160 --> 00:55:20,600
Speaker 4: We see how much that that's toxic masculinity, the idea

1192
00:55:20,680 --> 00:55:23,200
Speaker 4: that to be masculine means that you don't have softness,

1193
00:55:23,200 --> 00:55:25,840
Speaker 4: you don't have emotion, you don't have vulnerability, that you

1194
00:55:25,880 --> 00:55:30,520
Speaker 4: don't desire affection. That's not sexual because as much as

1195
00:55:30,680 --> 00:55:34,480
Speaker 4: men and people, we all love sex, right, but still

1196
00:55:34,520 --> 00:55:37,239
Speaker 4: like if the only time your partner's touching you is

1197
00:55:37,239 --> 00:55:38,880
Speaker 4: because they want to have sex with you, like that

1198
00:55:38,920 --> 00:55:42,000
Speaker 4: doesn't feel great. Just as women, we don't only want

1199
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:44,960
Speaker 4: to be touched when when they're in the mood for sex.

1200
00:55:45,640 --> 00:55:47,640
Speaker 4: What you think men don't want to be touched? Like

1201
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:49,480
Speaker 4: you think that they don't care about affection. You think

1202
00:55:49,480 --> 00:55:52,160
Speaker 4: that they don't care about creating those safe spaces for them,

1203
00:55:52,400 --> 00:55:54,759
Speaker 4: you know, to have that intimacy and that vulnerability.

1204
00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:55,319
Speaker 3: So I think that.

1205
00:55:55,320 --> 00:55:58,480
Speaker 4: Starts very young. I just saw on the other day

1206
00:55:58,560 --> 00:56:01,400
Speaker 4: somebody pointed this out on social like you look at

1207
00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:05,720
Speaker 4: little kids clothing. All the boys it's all like sharks

1208
00:56:05,719 --> 00:56:09,080
Speaker 4: and dinosaurs and alligators, it's all predators, right, And the

1209
00:56:09,120 --> 00:56:13,200
Speaker 4: girls it's like kittens and puppies and bunnies and butterflies

1210
00:56:13,440 --> 00:56:16,080
Speaker 4: and you know. And so there's this idea again that's

1211
00:56:16,120 --> 00:56:20,120
Speaker 4: just constantly being reinforced through how we are socializing children

1212
00:56:20,600 --> 00:56:23,399
Speaker 4: that then grows up. So if a boy's never kept

1213
00:56:23,400 --> 00:56:26,400
Speaker 4: permission to be vulnerable and that was always something that

1214
00:56:26,440 --> 00:56:29,200
Speaker 4: was shamed or looked down on, then yeah, how do

1215
00:56:29,239 --> 00:56:31,239
Speaker 4: you expect him to then be able to have true

1216
00:56:31,239 --> 00:56:33,719
Speaker 4: emotional intimacy as an adult in a relationship? It's going

1217
00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:36,120
Speaker 4: to be really, really, really hard, and not only do

1218
00:56:36,160 --> 00:56:39,040
Speaker 4: their partners suffer, but they suffer. So how can we

1219
00:56:39,080 --> 00:56:42,480
Speaker 4: start to see like being able to have access to

1220
00:56:42,600 --> 00:56:46,040
Speaker 4: like your full spectrum of emotion and human experience, which

1221
00:56:46,120 --> 00:56:52,280
Speaker 4: is hard. We notice that being a person is not easy.

1222
00:56:53,360 --> 00:56:57,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, you've noticed it takes every day to hold up

1223
00:56:57,560 --> 00:57:00,760
Speaker 3: his brain. Yes, not easy.

1224
00:57:01,080 --> 00:57:04,400
Speaker 4: So how can we like think about how do we

1225
00:57:04,560 --> 00:57:07,640
Speaker 4: equip each other with the tools so that we can

1226
00:57:07,719 --> 00:57:09,919
Speaker 4: navigate it together, because we're not meant to do life.

1227
00:57:09,960 --> 00:57:11,800
Speaker 4: And when I say we're not meant to do life alone,

1228
00:57:11,840 --> 00:57:14,640
Speaker 4: I don't mean if you're single, that's terrible. I just

1229
00:57:14,680 --> 00:57:17,400
Speaker 4: mean relationships in general, right, Like all of the love

1230
00:57:17,400 --> 00:57:20,160
Speaker 4: in your life has value. Your friendships, your family relationships,

1231
00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:22,680
Speaker 4: everything has value. And so yeah, I think we just

1232
00:57:22,720 --> 00:57:25,640
Speaker 4: need to give all kids. But I think especially boys,

1233
00:57:25,720 --> 00:57:27,720
Speaker 4: we need to make sure that they get that message.

1234
00:57:28,760 --> 00:57:31,040
Speaker 3: Yes, don't forget about the boys. Don't dismiss boys in

1235
00:57:31,080 --> 00:57:33,680
Speaker 3: your life. Look at them, Hug them, squeeze them, let them.

1236
00:57:34,000 --> 00:57:35,840
Speaker 4: I don't have children, but I do have gods sons.

1237
00:57:35,840 --> 00:57:38,280
Speaker 4: I have four of them, and I love them so

1238
00:57:38,440 --> 00:57:40,240
Speaker 4: much and it makes me so happy because they're all

1239
00:57:40,280 --> 00:57:40,640
Speaker 4: grown up.

1240
00:57:40,800 --> 00:57:44,120
Speaker 3: The last one just graduated. Congrat you, thank you.

1241
00:57:44,240 --> 00:57:47,880
Speaker 4: I know I'm like my babies, but I love the

1242
00:57:47,960 --> 00:57:50,440
Speaker 4: fact that like they ask me for they ask me

1243
00:57:50,480 --> 00:57:53,680
Speaker 4: for dating advice, Like when they like somebody I know

1244
00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:56,120
Speaker 4: who they like, when they're dating somebody I know like,

1245
00:57:56,120 --> 00:57:58,720
Speaker 4: And it makes me so happy, like and they know,

1246
00:57:58,760 --> 00:58:00,640
Speaker 4: they're like okay, They're like they'll me to be like

1247
00:58:01,280 --> 00:58:05,720
Speaker 4: can I call you? It's about a girl, And I'm like, yes, Jessica.

1248
00:58:05,600 --> 00:58:07,680
Speaker 2: You brought up something that I think is super crucial

1249
00:58:07,800 --> 00:58:08,520
Speaker 2: that women.

1250
00:58:09,000 --> 00:58:10,800
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna focus on my way right now that women

1251
00:58:10,840 --> 00:58:16,360
Speaker 1: need to understand when you said relationships, all relationships are important, right.

1252
00:58:16,520 --> 00:58:18,640
Speaker 1: I think that we have this idea that when I

1253
00:58:18,720 --> 00:58:22,960
Speaker 1: get the guy, that that becomes the primary focus, and

1254
00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:25,760
Speaker 1: then when I get the kid, that becomes the primary focus.

1255
00:58:26,200 --> 00:58:28,439
Speaker 2: Versus being extremely.

1256
00:58:27,880 --> 00:58:32,120
Speaker 1: Intentional and mindful to pour into all my relationships continuously

1257
00:58:32,280 --> 00:58:34,440
Speaker 1: as much as possible, right because like that first year

1258
00:58:34,440 --> 00:58:36,920
Speaker 1: of having the baby, it's extremely hard. But how do

1259
00:58:37,000 --> 00:58:39,480
Speaker 1: I nurture all of my relationships so that I'm not

1260
00:58:39,560 --> 00:58:42,600
Speaker 1: heavily dependsent on one to fill my love cup?

1261
00:58:42,800 --> 00:58:43,000
Speaker 3: Right?

1262
00:58:43,040 --> 00:58:45,080
Speaker 1: Because maybe my husband always doesn't have it for me,

1263
00:58:45,280 --> 00:58:47,360
Speaker 1: or maybe my son can't give it to me because

1264
00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:50,080
Speaker 1: he's a daddy's boy, or you know, how what other

1265
00:58:50,120 --> 00:58:52,840
Speaker 1: resources do I have to pour into my love cup

1266
00:58:53,200 --> 00:58:55,040
Speaker 1: so that I can have it feel so that then

1267
00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:58,600
Speaker 1: I can overflow into the other people in my life

1268
00:58:59,200 --> 00:59:02,440
Speaker 1: Versus I'm going to focus on just one person and

1269
00:59:02,520 --> 00:59:04,600
Speaker 1: now I'm you know, completely drained or I'm gonna, you know,

1270
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:06,240
Speaker 1: give it all away and now I'm drained.

1271
00:59:06,320 --> 00:59:07,440
Speaker 2: No, no, no, How can.

1272
00:59:07,320 --> 00:59:09,520
Speaker 1: These relationships pour back into me as well? I think

1273
00:59:09,600 --> 00:59:12,800
Speaker 1: everything is really about being intentional. And you said like

1274
00:59:12,800 --> 00:59:15,800
Speaker 1: co creating earlier? Okay, well, how does this person contribute

1275
00:59:15,800 --> 00:59:17,760
Speaker 1: to co creating what I want my friendships to look like?

1276
00:59:17,920 --> 00:59:20,280
Speaker 1: How does this person contribute to how I want my

1277
00:59:20,400 --> 00:59:22,880
Speaker 1: love life to look? How does this son create, you know,

1278
00:59:22,960 --> 00:59:24,720
Speaker 1: co create with me on what I want my parenting

1279
00:59:24,760 --> 00:59:26,720
Speaker 1: experience to be. We're not going to knocket out the

1280
00:59:26,760 --> 00:59:30,040
Speaker 1: park and get perfect, but if we're intentional about how

1281
00:59:30,040 --> 00:59:32,600
Speaker 1: we want it to you know, feel Okay, well what

1282
00:59:32,600 --> 00:59:34,320
Speaker 1: am I going to do on my end to help

1283
00:59:34,400 --> 00:59:35,280
Speaker 1: us get there? Right?

1284
00:59:35,360 --> 00:59:35,440
Speaker 3: Like?

1285
00:59:35,480 --> 00:59:37,560
Speaker 1: I can only show up? Was so much energy? Okay,

1286
00:59:37,600 --> 00:59:39,560
Speaker 1: now you've got to give some back. If you're not

1287
00:59:39,560 --> 00:59:41,080
Speaker 1: giving it back, then I gotta move on to the

1288
00:59:41,120 --> 00:59:43,520
Speaker 1: next person. So I think I think it just looks.

1289
00:59:43,640 --> 00:59:45,440
Speaker 1: You know, we have to be very mindful of this,

1290
00:59:45,520 --> 00:59:47,480
Speaker 1: and I think you lose yourself if you do not,

1291
00:59:47,640 --> 00:59:50,200
Speaker 1: if you do not nurture all the relationships.

1292
00:59:51,160 --> 00:59:53,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think early dating red flag is a man

1293
00:59:53,320 --> 00:59:54,760
Speaker 3: with no friends.

1294
00:59:55,600 --> 00:59:58,200
Speaker 1: Or a woman or a woman who she can't get

1295
00:59:58,240 --> 01:00:00,600
Speaker 1: along with other women, and we're like, either to get

1296
01:00:00,640 --> 01:00:02,640
Speaker 1: along with it's come on now, girl, we give love

1297
01:00:03,120 --> 01:00:05,400
Speaker 1: so you can get one woman to love you.

1298
01:00:09,240 --> 01:00:11,080
Speaker 3: Well. I want to be mindful of time too, and

1299
01:00:11,120 --> 01:00:12,680
Speaker 3: I just want to I'm thinking of the right way

1300
01:00:12,680 --> 01:00:14,560
Speaker 3: to put a button on this, because there's obviously we

1301
01:00:14,600 --> 01:00:18,120
Speaker 3: can go on for hours. We've talked about finding true love,

1302
01:00:18,160 --> 01:00:20,360
Speaker 3: and we've talked a lot, honestly about you know, the

1303
01:00:20,400 --> 01:00:23,360
Speaker 3: dynamics of a relationship, almost to the point where it's

1304
01:00:23,360 --> 01:00:24,920
Speaker 3: like it's not so much. I think there's a lot

1305
01:00:24,920 --> 01:00:26,440
Speaker 3: of focus on like where do you meet men and

1306
01:00:26,480 --> 01:00:27,920
Speaker 3: like where how do you get But it's almost like

1307
01:00:28,080 --> 01:00:30,160
Speaker 3: that's half the us. That's not even a whole battle.

1308
01:00:30,160 --> 01:00:32,560
Speaker 3: The battle is once you're in that relationship. If y'all

1309
01:00:32,600 --> 01:00:35,840
Speaker 3: could leave be a faan with some like parting advice

1310
01:00:35,880 --> 01:00:40,000
Speaker 3: and wisdom on nurturing that seed of a relationship that

1311
01:00:40,080 --> 01:00:42,520
Speaker 3: you want to last for the long term. Just whether

1312
01:00:42,560 --> 01:00:46,680
Speaker 3: it's daily habits or annual habits or just what are

1313
01:00:46,720 --> 01:00:50,840
Speaker 3: some things that happy relationships, happy couples are doing that

1314
01:00:51,560 --> 01:00:53,720
Speaker 3: you would say to be a fan, consider doing that

1315
01:00:53,800 --> 01:00:56,520
Speaker 3: as well if you want your relationship to stay nurtured

1316
01:00:56,560 --> 01:00:57,880
Speaker 3: and healthy with the long haul.

1317
01:00:59,040 --> 01:01:01,160
Speaker 4: I think I think that making sure that you don't

1318
01:01:01,200 --> 01:01:03,480
Speaker 4: lose yourself is really important.

1319
01:01:03,640 --> 01:01:07,360
Speaker 3: And so what is being asked of you in a season?

1320
01:01:07,440 --> 01:01:08,120
Speaker 3: Like what is love?

1321
01:01:08,200 --> 01:01:09,760
Speaker 4: I mean this is a question that I you know,

1322
01:01:09,840 --> 01:01:12,040
Speaker 4: I asked my clients and I sent my book, which

1323
01:01:12,080 --> 01:01:15,720
Speaker 4: is like, what is love calling you to learn at

1324
01:01:15,760 --> 01:01:18,960
Speaker 4: this time? And maybe it's calling you to learn, Oh,

1325
01:01:19,000 --> 01:01:20,960
Speaker 4: I need to learn to be more vulnerable. Maybe I

1326
01:01:20,960 --> 01:01:23,160
Speaker 4: need to learn to be a little bit more brave

1327
01:01:23,520 --> 01:01:26,320
Speaker 4: and not so fearful of rejection because knowing that I

1328
01:01:26,360 --> 01:01:28,440
Speaker 4: can handle it, Like if it doesn't work out, I'm

1329
01:01:28,440 --> 01:01:31,600
Speaker 4: going to be okay. Maybe it's developing more self trust.

1330
01:01:31,760 --> 01:01:35,520
Speaker 4: Maybe it's developing more ability to give to another person

1331
01:01:35,560 --> 01:01:37,800
Speaker 4: to receive, like whatever it is for you, maybe it's

1332
01:01:37,880 --> 01:01:39,920
Speaker 4: just like, oh, I actually don't have a lot of confidence.

1333
01:01:40,400 --> 01:01:42,240
Speaker 3: I don't have a lot of confidence.

1334
01:01:41,760 --> 01:01:44,800
Speaker 4: To know how how to pick the right person, or

1335
01:01:44,840 --> 01:01:47,680
Speaker 4: how to meet people, or how to build relationships. So

1336
01:01:47,720 --> 01:01:49,720
Speaker 4: what you're being called in the season is to learn

1337
01:01:49,800 --> 01:01:51,680
Speaker 4: some skills that are going to serve you in the

1338
01:01:52,080 --> 01:01:54,800
Speaker 4: long term. But I think in long term relationships, if

1339
01:01:54,840 --> 01:01:58,560
Speaker 4: you and it's so easy to make it all about

1340
01:01:58,080 --> 01:02:01,040
Speaker 4: your partner and like you're not made me happy and you're.

1341
01:02:00,920 --> 01:02:01,360
Speaker 3: Not doing this.

1342
01:02:01,480 --> 01:02:03,360
Speaker 4: But I think it's really important to just say, Okay,

1343
01:02:03,360 --> 01:02:06,120
Speaker 4: well what am I doing to pour into my relationship

1344
01:02:06,120 --> 01:02:10,400
Speaker 4: with myself? Because that's the blueprint, right, So, like, for instance,

1345
01:02:10,480 --> 01:02:13,040
Speaker 4: you know, if you have a habit of being in

1346
01:02:13,120 --> 01:02:16,680
Speaker 4: relationships with people who put you down or who diminish

1347
01:02:16,760 --> 01:02:20,200
Speaker 4: your dreams, like that would only be tolerable to you

1348
01:02:20,560 --> 01:02:24,000
Speaker 4: if that's something that you do within yourself, right, Because

1349
01:02:24,040 --> 01:02:26,720
Speaker 4: I can tell you if somebody did that to me,

1350
01:02:27,040 --> 01:02:31,360
Speaker 4: I'd be like you, I feel like that's hilarious that

1351
01:02:31,440 --> 01:02:33,040
Speaker 4: you think I'm gonna be interested in you if you

1352
01:02:33,040 --> 01:02:36,160
Speaker 4: don't support me. Right, But it wasn't always that case.

1353
01:02:36,200 --> 01:02:40,080
Speaker 4: It wasn't always that way. But I have done enough

1354
01:02:40,160 --> 01:02:42,600
Speaker 4: of understanding of like, Okay, how do I start to

1355
01:02:42,640 --> 01:02:45,720
Speaker 4: treat myself with love? So I can normalize within myself

1356
01:02:45,840 --> 01:02:47,560
Speaker 4: what do I want? What I want to experience with

1357
01:02:47,640 --> 01:02:51,200
Speaker 4: other people? And so I think that's really ultimately, you know,

1358
01:02:51,600 --> 01:02:55,360
Speaker 4: we are the center of our lives, and we are

1359
01:02:55,520 --> 01:02:58,600
Speaker 4: our own portal and conduit of all of the love

1360
01:02:58,640 --> 01:03:01,320
Speaker 4: that we're going to experience. So if we lose sight

1361
01:03:01,360 --> 01:03:03,600
Speaker 4: of that and we make it all about other people,

1362
01:03:04,080 --> 01:03:07,640
Speaker 4: then we're putting way too much pressure on our relationships

1363
01:03:07,680 --> 01:03:10,640
Speaker 4: and we're also missing the point, which is about like

1364
01:03:10,800 --> 01:03:13,160
Speaker 4: your growth in love. So I don't know if that

1365
01:03:13,160 --> 01:03:14,160
Speaker 4: answers the question, but.

1366
01:03:16,480 --> 01:03:19,040
Speaker 3: That was a beautifully and here, Yeah, thank you for that.

1367
01:03:19,120 --> 01:03:22,760
Speaker 3: It starts within, I wish. I mean, it's hard because

1368
01:03:22,760 --> 01:03:26,160
Speaker 3: you're you're in relationships, you're meeting your match your twenties.

1369
01:03:26,160 --> 01:03:29,520
Speaker 3: I was twenty four, biological clock is ticking. Sometimes, My

1370
01:03:29,640 --> 01:03:33,080
Speaker 3: journey to self love probably didn't really heat up until

1371
01:03:33,120 --> 01:03:36,680
Speaker 3: I was like thirty two, so like, and that's and

1372
01:03:36,720 --> 01:03:39,400
Speaker 3: so you're trying to catch up sometimes with you catching

1373
01:03:39,480 --> 01:03:41,720
Speaker 3: up to loving yourself, and then it's like, wait, now

1374
01:03:41,760 --> 01:03:44,400
Speaker 3: I've cultivated these relationships that aren't in alignment with that,

1375
01:03:44,480 --> 01:03:46,760
Speaker 3: and so then that that journey is its whole thing.

1376
01:03:46,840 --> 01:03:49,200
Speaker 3: But that's such a word, and I hope you know

1377
01:03:49,280 --> 01:03:51,680
Speaker 3: anyone who's listening is never too late to really just

1378
01:03:51,760 --> 01:03:54,120
Speaker 3: like love yourself and learn more about yourself and put

1379
01:03:54,120 --> 01:03:54,840
Speaker 3: that time into it.

1380
01:03:54,880 --> 01:03:57,840
Speaker 4: So and the twenties are so hard. Oh God, nobody

1381
01:03:57,920 --> 01:04:01,000
Speaker 4: tells you how hard. The twenties are. I love the twenties.

1382
01:04:01,080 --> 01:04:04,000
Speaker 4: I love the twenties. The twenties are also you couldn't

1383
01:04:04,040 --> 01:04:04,919
Speaker 4: pay me to go back.

1384
01:04:05,840 --> 01:04:11,280
Speaker 2: The twenties were a time learn so much my twenties.

1385
01:04:13,120 --> 01:04:16,360
Speaker 1: If I were to leave folks with some advice, my

1386
01:04:16,400 --> 01:04:19,920
Speaker 1: spicy tip would be, learn to fall in love with

1387
01:04:19,960 --> 01:04:22,000
Speaker 1: what's good for you. Learn to eat your vegetables. I

1388
01:04:22,040 --> 01:04:24,720
Speaker 1: think that we are addicted to candy. Okay, I think

1389
01:04:24,720 --> 01:04:27,760
Speaker 1: that we're addicted to junk food. And if you don't

1390
01:04:27,880 --> 01:04:30,240
Speaker 1: learn to love what's good for you, right, that is

1391
01:04:30,360 --> 01:04:32,840
Speaker 1: what is it that I need versus well, this is

1392
01:04:32,840 --> 01:04:35,840
Speaker 1: what I want right, just like with the diet, But

1393
01:04:35,920 --> 01:04:38,240
Speaker 1: what does my body need? What is the nutrition that

1394
01:04:38,320 --> 01:04:40,960
Speaker 1: I need to be digesting right now versus what do

1395
01:04:41,000 --> 01:04:43,919
Speaker 1: I want that tastes good? Because later on we have

1396
01:04:44,360 --> 01:04:47,320
Speaker 1: let's say, eating remorse or eating regret. Right, I shouldn't

1397
01:04:47,480 --> 01:04:50,160
Speaker 1: ate that slice the cake. I knew that cake was gonna,

1398
01:04:50,200 --> 01:04:52,040
Speaker 1: you know, be not good for me, and I did

1399
01:04:52,040 --> 01:04:53,880
Speaker 1: it anyways. And it's the same thing when it comes

1400
01:04:53,920 --> 01:04:56,240
Speaker 1: to relationships and dating. Like the red flags were there,

1401
01:04:56,360 --> 01:05:00,400
Speaker 1: you decided to still devour him anyways. No, that this

1402
01:05:00,440 --> 01:05:02,520
Speaker 1: person is not good for you, and it's bringing out

1403
01:05:02,520 --> 01:05:04,400
Speaker 1: the worst in you. And so I think that when

1404
01:05:04,440 --> 01:05:07,280
Speaker 1: we develop a healthy relationship with ourself, we will also

1405
01:05:07,400 --> 01:05:10,360
Speaker 1: be able to be more selective and see it more

1406
01:05:10,400 --> 01:05:13,760
Speaker 1: clearly in our decision making with others who is good

1407
01:05:13,760 --> 01:05:16,640
Speaker 1: for us and who is not. But first we have

1408
01:05:16,640 --> 01:05:18,560
Speaker 1: to fall in love with what is good for us,

1409
01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:21,440
Speaker 1: and we need to be very intentional about that. So,

1410
01:05:21,840 --> 01:05:23,800
Speaker 1: you know, I relate it to a swat.

1411
01:05:24,200 --> 01:05:27,520
Speaker 2: I give a swap. What are my strengths in relationship?

1412
01:05:27,520 --> 01:05:29,600
Speaker 2: And how do I show up? What are my weaknesses?

1413
01:05:30,040 --> 01:05:32,000
Speaker 2: What do I suck at? What are my wounds?

1414
01:05:32,120 --> 01:05:34,480
Speaker 1: What are my opportunities for growth? If I do this thing,

1415
01:05:34,480 --> 01:05:36,640
Speaker 1: if I pour into this area more, how will I

1416
01:05:36,800 --> 01:05:40,720
Speaker 1: develop in partnership and be more lovable to self therefore

1417
01:05:40,720 --> 01:05:42,440
Speaker 1: lovable to others? And then what is the threat if

1418
01:05:42,440 --> 01:05:44,000
Speaker 1: I don't, I'm going to end up alone for the

1419
01:05:44,040 --> 01:05:45,360
Speaker 1: rest of my life? Am I going to continue to

1420
01:05:45,440 --> 01:05:47,960
Speaker 1: date scumbags? Am I you know, just going to go

1421
01:05:48,280 --> 01:05:52,000
Speaker 1: get inseminated? Whatever the thing is, you know, what is

1422
01:05:52,000 --> 01:05:54,600
Speaker 1: the outcome? What is the threat if I don't do this,

1423
01:05:54,800 --> 01:05:57,680
Speaker 1: If I don't start falling in love with what's good

1424
01:05:57,720 --> 01:06:00,640
Speaker 1: for me? And so I think that that that is

1425
01:06:01,040 --> 01:06:04,040
Speaker 1: where we begin for my ninety day program, the Spicy Life.

1426
01:06:04,960 --> 01:06:06,920
Speaker 2: Let's start there. I can help you guys with this

1427
01:06:07,040 --> 01:06:07,440
Speaker 2: as well.

1428
01:06:07,800 --> 01:06:10,080
Speaker 3: Okay, now drop yeah, drop your What are we promoting.

1429
01:06:10,440 --> 01:06:13,960
Speaker 1: We're promoting Nikolinks on Netflix, Niki Leaks on Netflix, and

1430
01:06:14,040 --> 01:06:16,280
Speaker 1: my ninety day program, the Spicy Life Program.

1431
01:06:16,320 --> 01:06:19,400
Speaker 2: So it really is a ninety day program where I.

1432
01:06:19,360 --> 01:06:22,760
Speaker 1: Teach you about self passion, intimacy, communication, and learning to

1433
01:06:22,800 --> 01:06:25,040
Speaker 1: say yes. So I've kidnapped you for ninety days we're

1434
01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:27,800
Speaker 1: doing with the coaching sessions, there's an entire curriculum where

1435
01:06:27,800 --> 01:06:30,320
Speaker 1: I'm teaching the method, the skill set, and the formulas

1436
01:06:30,440 --> 01:06:33,920
Speaker 1: around not just manifesting love, but really being intentional about

1437
01:06:33,920 --> 01:06:37,200
Speaker 1: partnering with your purpose mate. And a lot of that

1438
01:06:37,360 --> 01:06:41,800
Speaker 1: is around the psychology and behavioral science and emotional guidance

1439
01:06:41,920 --> 01:06:43,160
Speaker 1: to partnership.

1440
01:06:43,480 --> 01:06:46,400
Speaker 2: Because we aren't educated in that area.

1441
01:06:46,640 --> 01:06:49,280
Speaker 1: We have done all the work to become successful to

1442
01:06:49,280 --> 01:06:52,360
Speaker 1: pursue our careers. If we put that amount of intentional

1443
01:06:52,440 --> 01:06:55,560
Speaker 1: education and energy around relationship, oh my god, this would

1444
01:06:55,560 --> 01:06:57,720
Speaker 1: be a different world, right, This would be a completely

1445
01:06:57,760 --> 01:07:00,120
Speaker 1: different world. So the Spicy Life ninety day Program and

1446
01:07:00,160 --> 01:07:01,600
Speaker 1: then my podcast is Spicy Life.

1447
01:07:02,560 --> 01:07:04,640
Speaker 3: Where can we Where's the best place even website for

1448
01:07:04,640 --> 01:07:04,880
Speaker 3: all this?

1449
01:07:04,960 --> 01:07:08,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, the Spicy spicylife dot com.

1450
01:07:09,000 --> 01:07:10,560
Speaker 3: Now, when did you have to buy that domain? I

1451
01:07:10,600 --> 01:07:12,240
Speaker 3: thought there was some runchy stuff.

1452
01:07:12,480 --> 01:07:13,240
Speaker 2: I bought the domain.

1453
01:07:13,880 --> 01:07:17,520
Speaker 1: Surprisingly it was available. I'm like, I guess it was available,

1454
01:07:17,560 --> 01:07:20,720
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, this is it's meant to be.

1455
01:07:22,360 --> 01:07:24,520
Speaker 3: Okay, spicylife dot comflict do in the show notes? Be

1456
01:07:24,680 --> 01:07:26,800
Speaker 3: fam And what about you, mes, Francesca.

1457
01:07:28,360 --> 01:07:31,680
Speaker 4: Well, I have my new book, How to Find True Love,

1458
01:07:33,320 --> 01:07:36,000
Speaker 4: available wherever you get your books or your audio books,

1459
01:07:36,040 --> 01:07:37,840
Speaker 4: I mean for me. I also have a podcast it's

1460
01:07:37,840 --> 01:07:40,800
Speaker 4: called Dear Franny. I have a course, a thirty day course.

1461
01:07:40,840 --> 01:07:43,200
Speaker 4: It's called How to Date with Intention, and it's it's

1462
01:07:43,200 --> 01:07:45,200
Speaker 4: really just a way to do some of the pre

1463
01:07:45,400 --> 01:07:48,080
Speaker 4: work before you're even focusing on I want to meet

1464
01:07:48,080 --> 01:07:49,240
Speaker 4: to what I want to meet to one But like

1465
01:07:49,280 --> 01:07:51,640
Speaker 4: everything you just said, Maddie, like you know, we have

1466
01:07:51,760 --> 01:07:53,600
Speaker 4: to learn how to fall in love with what is

1467
01:07:53,640 --> 01:07:55,800
Speaker 4: good for us, right, And so a lot of the

1468
01:07:55,840 --> 01:07:58,600
Speaker 4: work that I do is around that and helping people

1469
01:07:58,640 --> 01:08:01,120
Speaker 4: to break patterns and to grow in ways that they

1470
01:08:01,160 --> 01:08:03,600
Speaker 4: are attracted to something different than what they have then

1471
01:08:03,640 --> 01:08:04,680
Speaker 4: in the past, because your.

1472
01:08:04,560 --> 01:08:06,400
Speaker 3: Attractions do change as you grow.

1473
01:08:06,480 --> 01:08:08,520
Speaker 4: And yeah, so I've got you know, lots of different

1474
01:08:08,560 --> 01:08:11,760
Speaker 4: things of doing live events, teaching people about flirting, which

1475
01:08:11,800 --> 01:08:14,160
Speaker 4: is something we haven't talked about, but I'm really passionate

1476
01:08:14,200 --> 01:08:17,360
Speaker 4: about that. There's a lot of dating problems. People get

1477
01:08:17,360 --> 01:08:19,920
Speaker 4: good at flirting, you know, and can effectively do that.

1478
01:08:20,120 --> 01:08:22,200
Speaker 4: So I don't know when this podcast is coming out.

1479
01:08:22,200 --> 01:08:24,280
Speaker 4: I do have a program coming out in August. It's

1480
01:08:24,280 --> 01:08:27,880
Speaker 4: called Romantic Activation, and that's really for people who feel

1481
01:08:27,960 --> 01:08:30,200
Speaker 4: just kind of like stuck in dormant and like they

1482
01:08:30,200 --> 01:08:32,680
Speaker 4: don't feel you know, they don't feel love, confident, they

1483
01:08:32,680 --> 01:08:35,040
Speaker 4: don't feel sexy, they don't feel connected to their mojo.

1484
01:08:35,280 --> 01:08:38,639
Speaker 3: And yeah, we're going to get you there. Okay, that's well,

1485
01:08:38,680 --> 01:08:42,000
Speaker 3: be and when's that activation happening? So it actually starts

1486
01:08:42,000 --> 01:08:45,080
Speaker 3: in like a week. Well, that's fine, you'll do more,

1487
01:08:45,320 --> 01:08:49,680
Speaker 3: be a fan, we'll do well. I am just so

1488
01:08:49,800 --> 01:08:52,360
Speaker 3: grateful NBA family. You don't even know. This is our

1489
01:08:52,400 --> 01:08:55,400
Speaker 3: second try at this episode. We done had so many

1490
01:08:55,479 --> 01:08:57,760
Speaker 3: critical issues of I don't even know what happened. It

1491
01:08:57,800 --> 01:09:00,320
Speaker 3: was something, but I'm so grateful we got to chat more,

1492
01:09:00,720 --> 01:09:02,280
Speaker 3: you know, getting to know y'all one on one. I

1493
01:09:02,280 --> 01:09:04,920
Speaker 3: hope y'all collabse because I think y'all just are you.

1494
01:09:04,840 --> 01:09:07,880
Speaker 1: Know well friend already responded to some emails for me.

1495
01:09:07,920 --> 01:09:11,800
Speaker 1: I've been picking this girl's brain. Yes, she's guiding me,

1496
01:09:11,880 --> 01:09:14,920
Speaker 1: she's giving me all the like you know, she's a

1497
01:09:14,960 --> 01:09:17,120
Speaker 1: girl's girl. And like I said her email, I was like,

1498
01:09:17,160 --> 01:09:20,000
Speaker 1: I really appreciate this like she's and you too, Mancy.

1499
01:09:20,040 --> 01:09:22,040
Speaker 1: Both of you guys gave me some gyms on how

1500
01:09:22,080 --> 01:09:24,840
Speaker 1: to get a book published. So I'm so grateful for

1501
01:09:24,920 --> 01:09:28,400
Speaker 1: you guys like you two are a manifestation of the

1502
01:09:28,439 --> 01:09:31,120
Speaker 1: love that we want to spread, right, and so I

1503
01:09:31,160 --> 01:09:34,160
Speaker 1: really appreciate your guys of even being trusting and vulnerable

1504
01:09:34,200 --> 01:09:36,479
Speaker 1: with me. So thank you ladies so much, because I

1505
01:09:36,560 --> 01:09:38,639
Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, you guys are such a resource.

1506
01:09:38,680 --> 01:09:40,080
Speaker 2: Thank you. Oh.

1507
01:09:40,240 --> 01:09:41,840
Speaker 3: Likewise, yeah, if there's ever anything I.

1508
01:09:41,800 --> 01:09:44,320
Speaker 2: Can do, you helped me with my brown ambition.

1509
01:09:49,280 --> 01:09:50,840
Speaker 3: I can't wait for that book to be coming out,

1510
01:09:50,840 --> 01:09:52,800
Speaker 3: all right, bea fan. Please check the show notes speak

1511
01:09:52,840 --> 01:09:56,040
Speaker 3: and find out how to connect with Spicy Moddy and Francesca,

1512
01:09:56,320 --> 01:09:58,560
Speaker 3: get all their things, send up for all their programs,

1513
01:09:58,640 --> 01:10:01,160
Speaker 3: will keep you tuned and please feedback is welcome. If

1514
01:10:01,200 --> 01:10:04,240
Speaker 3: y'all want more relationship content from Brown Ambition, let me

1515
01:10:04,320 --> 01:10:07,080
Speaker 3: know slide into my DMS. I'm at Brand Ambition Podcast

1516
01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:09,960
Speaker 3: on ig or you can email me directly Brand Ambition

1517
01:10:10,120 --> 01:10:13,800
Speaker 3: Podcast at gmail dot com. And until next time, we

1518
01:10:13,840 --> 01:10:19,160
Speaker 3: will see you later BA fan bye