WEBVTT - TBGU: Reclaiming Autonomy with Kiana Ledé 0:00:07.360 --> 0:00:09.879 Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for another 0:00:09.920 --> 0:00:13.280 episode of Therapy for Black Girls University. We'll get right 0:00:13.320 --> 0:00:24.680 into our conversation afterword from our sponsors. For this episode, 0:00:24.760 --> 0:00:27.160 I have the pleasure of sitting down with singer, songwriter 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:31.520 and actress Keana Ledey for a deeply honest and heartfelt conversation. 0:00:32.200 --> 0:00:35.480 We talked about her journey with bipolar disorder, how she's 0:00:35.560 --> 0:00:39.440 learned to navigate her diagnosis with compassion, and the ways therapy, 0:00:39.600 --> 0:00:43.360 boundaries and connection have supported her along the way. We 0:00:43.440 --> 0:00:46.640 also explored the emotional world of her deluxe album Cut 0:00:46.680 --> 0:00:49.800 The Ties, and the themes of self love, closure, and 0:00:49.880 --> 0:00:53.640 transformation that run throughout the project. She opened up about 0:00:53.640 --> 0:00:57.320 the creative process behind her music, the tenderness requires to 0:00:57.360 --> 0:01:00.440 tell the truth about her experiences and what is means 0:01:00.440 --> 0:01:03.480 to heal while still being in the public eye. If 0:01:03.520 --> 0:01:07.000 something resonates with you while enjoying our conversation, please share 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:10.480 with us on social media using the hashtag TBG in Session. 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:17.480 Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for joining us today, Kiana. 0:01:18.160 --> 0:01:20.039 Of course, thank you for having me. I'm so excited. 0:01:20.520 --> 0:01:23.080 Yeah, so I love some story by hearing you talk 0:01:23.120 --> 0:01:25.040 a little bit about what do you feel like is 0:01:25.080 --> 0:01:28.479 most important for people to understand about you, both professionally 0:01:28.600 --> 0:01:31.039 and creatively at this moment in your life. 0:01:31.560 --> 0:01:34.080 I think the most important thing that people should know 0:01:34.120 --> 0:01:40.120 about me is that I'm figuring it out. I'm a 0:01:40.400 --> 0:01:44.800 human being, just like everybody else. And one of the 0:01:44.840 --> 0:01:47.920 things that I learned, and I know my mom has 0:01:47.960 --> 0:01:50.640 told me that she's learned, and like everybody learns as 0:01:50.680 --> 0:01:53.279 they get older, is that you don't know what you're doing, 0:01:53.880 --> 0:01:55.960 and you think that all these people that are older 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:59.160 than you have the shit together. I just learn as 0:01:59.160 --> 0:02:01.840 I get older, the older I get, the less I know. 0:02:02.120 --> 0:02:07.800 So that bleeds into my professional life too, because I 0:02:07.840 --> 0:02:16.280 am my profession So not to judge me too much, please, 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:18.359 I am really trying to figure it out. 0:02:19.520 --> 0:02:21.959 Yeah, you know, I appreciate you saying that, because I 0:02:22.000 --> 0:02:24.240 think we're all figuring out. You're right, your mom is right, 0:02:24.280 --> 0:02:26.960 You're right, everybody's right, like we don't all know what 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:29.000 we're doing. We're just going day by day trying to 0:02:29.000 --> 0:02:31.600 figure it out. But I think the interesting part of 0:02:31.880 --> 0:02:34.120 you know the work that you do in other artists 0:02:34.160 --> 0:02:37.360 is that you're figuring it out very publicly, right, you 0:02:37.400 --> 0:02:40.320 just did like, oh, don't judge me. So what kinds 0:02:40.320 --> 0:02:42.720 of things do you feel like help you to figure 0:02:42.760 --> 0:02:43.120 it out? 0:02:46.000 --> 0:02:50.600 I think the people that I surround myself with really helps. 0:02:51.360 --> 0:02:56.600 I have a partner that's really great, and my manager 0:02:56.919 --> 0:03:00.000 is amazing. I make sure to surround myself with people 0:03:00.160 --> 0:03:05.000 that I don't feel judged by and that have patience 0:03:05.040 --> 0:03:08.480 with me, I think is the most important part. There's 0:03:08.560 --> 0:03:12.800 patience and there's understanding because I'm learning so much more 0:03:12.840 --> 0:03:20.560 about myself every single day, and it's been interesting realizations 0:03:20.600 --> 0:03:24.040 and struggles that I've uncovered over the last couple of years. 0:03:24.720 --> 0:03:26.880 So being able to have a community that gives me 0:03:27.040 --> 0:03:28.959 grace is everything. 0:03:29.680 --> 0:03:32.040 Are there things in particular that you feel like people 0:03:32.080 --> 0:03:34.440 have been very judging about as it relates to you. 0:03:35.160 --> 0:03:39.440 So I did a mushroom trip the other day and 0:03:39.520 --> 0:03:44.480 I realized that I actually have this like deep fear 0:03:44.520 --> 0:03:46.720 of judgment even if people aren't judging me. I group 0:03:46.800 --> 0:03:51.080 doing pageants, so and I've been doing this since I 0:03:51.120 --> 0:03:55.000 was fourteen, so I'm used to the judgment and having 0:03:55.040 --> 0:03:58.040 people that are hyper critical, and I think I've taken 0:03:58.120 --> 0:04:03.160 that on as something that I am fearful of and 0:04:03.240 --> 0:04:06.160 things that I push on myself. So I'm major imposter syndrome, 0:04:06.840 --> 0:04:09.880 and so I don't even necessarily think it's other people 0:04:09.960 --> 0:04:12.480 judging me. I think I just have this extreme fear 0:04:12.480 --> 0:04:13.080 of judgment. 0:04:14.120 --> 0:04:17.200 H That makes a lot of sense, But also what 0:04:17.360 --> 0:04:20.680 bravery to feel that and still put yourself out there 0:04:20.760 --> 0:04:23.000 the way that you do through your artistry. 0:04:24.120 --> 0:04:27.479 Thank you. I feel like I have no choice. This 0:04:27.600 --> 0:04:33.880 is just clam so I help people enjoy it. I 0:04:33.880 --> 0:04:37.600 hope it's at least entertaining and at the very least 0:04:37.640 --> 0:04:38.599 right at the very least. 0:04:40.120 --> 0:04:42.719 So the name of your latest project is Cutting Ties, 0:04:42.960 --> 0:04:45.839 which I think is a very powerful title. What do 0:04:45.880 --> 0:04:48.120 you feel like you were cutting ties with in either 0:04:48.160 --> 0:04:51.000 your personal or professional life that led to that title. 0:04:51.520 --> 0:04:55.920 I was letting go of a lot of relationships, not 0:04:56.000 --> 0:04:59.960 just one, but a lot of relationships that were talks 0:05:00.520 --> 0:05:07.880 and a part of my life for eight years because 0:05:07.880 --> 0:05:10.159 I had so many changes in my environment and my 0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:14.239 mental health changed so much. I realized that longtime friends 0:05:14.240 --> 0:05:18.000 aren't forever friends. They don't have to be, and relationships 0:05:18.200 --> 0:05:22.279 can get really sticky and you can feel super stuck 0:05:22.320 --> 0:05:25.320 in them, but you don't have to stay stuck in them. Yeah. 0:05:25.360 --> 0:05:28.440 I think as I was growing into myself, I grew 0:05:28.480 --> 0:05:30.360 more of a voice, and that meant that I might 0:05:30.400 --> 0:05:33.000 have to cut ties with people. I'm a super loving 0:05:33.560 --> 0:05:40.200 and understanding, non judgemental, open person, but once somebody crosses 0:05:40.240 --> 0:05:44.080 that line, I'm very unforgiving. And I think I've had 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:50.200 to learn whether the unforgiving is being unforgiving or just 0:05:50.240 --> 0:05:54.320 not forgetting, and what the boundary is of being able 0:05:54.360 --> 0:05:57.720 to give people chances but also know when it's time 0:05:57.760 --> 0:05:58.240 to stop. 0:06:00.440 --> 0:06:02.560 I feel like that's a conversation lots of people have 0:06:02.640 --> 0:06:05.040 been having around, you know, like when is it time 0:06:05.080 --> 0:06:07.280 to let go of a friend? How do you know? 0:06:07.720 --> 0:06:09.480 And I hear you saying that you know, you had 0:06:09.520 --> 0:06:13.279 some difficult conversations and then at some point realize, Okay, 0:06:13.279 --> 0:06:15.760 boundaries have been crossed and I have to choose myself 0:06:15.760 --> 0:06:16.400 in this case. 0:06:17.200 --> 0:06:18.000 Yeah. 0:06:18.080 --> 0:06:21.200 Yeah, So what on the deluxe album, Like, what did 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:24.760 you feel like was left unsaid from the standard version 0:06:24.760 --> 0:06:27.240 of cutting ties to the deluxe version? What more were 0:06:27.279 --> 0:06:31.719 you able to say on the deluxe. 0:06:30.640 --> 0:06:33.720 Well, first, I mean, I'm just so happy with the 0:06:33.720 --> 0:06:36.560 people that came on to do the album. I love Queen, 0:06:36.640 --> 0:06:39.880 I love Chloe, I love Beja. They're all great people. 0:06:40.040 --> 0:06:42.520 I tried it just a big thing about me because 0:06:42.520 --> 0:06:45.760 I try to keep myself surrounded by really good, genuine people. 0:06:46.480 --> 0:06:49.120 And I loved having them on there because I loved 0:06:49.160 --> 0:06:52.200 working with them and they are amazing people. I think 0:06:52.320 --> 0:06:54.440 the last song that I have on there, called Jerry, 0:06:55.880 --> 0:06:57.320 is a song that was supposed to be on the 0:06:57.360 --> 0:07:01.040 next project that we have already finished, and it didn't 0:07:01.120 --> 0:07:04.840 quite make the cut, and my manager was like, this 0:07:04.960 --> 0:07:06.960 has to go somewhere, like we have to put it out, 0:07:06.960 --> 0:07:10.119 and it ended up being like the perfect transition song. 0:07:10.520 --> 0:07:13.920 I think you hear a lot of my mourning, almost 0:07:14.120 --> 0:07:16.440 like you see the love, you see the morning, and 0:07:16.480 --> 0:07:20.080 then you see when I start to set boundaries, and 0:07:20.120 --> 0:07:22.920 I think, now after the boundaries, I don't know about you, 0:07:23.000 --> 0:07:27.640 but I feel resentment coming after I put down the 0:07:27.640 --> 0:07:30.120 boundaries because I'm like, I gave you so many chances 0:07:30.160 --> 0:07:33.360 and I was so loyal and so genuine. I'm excited 0:07:33.400 --> 0:07:38.240 to show people more of the resentment feeling that they 0:07:38.280 --> 0:07:41.120 get from jury. Going into the next. 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:46.320 Project, I found that the resentment is sometimes, you know, 0:07:46.360 --> 0:07:48.720 a lot of times related to other people, but there's 0:07:48.800 --> 0:07:51.400 also some like resentment for myself, like when I have 0:07:51.520 --> 0:07:54.120 not oh, I stored myself right, Like is that a 0:07:54.160 --> 0:07:55.880 part of the process as well? 0:07:56.560 --> 0:08:00.000 Yes? Absolutely, I mean I shamed myself all the time, 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:04.960 I think being a brown black girl, you know, dealing 0:08:05.000 --> 0:08:10.280 with mental health struggles my entire life, I've learned to 0:08:10.360 --> 0:08:14.480 shame myself. Really well, it's really hard to forgive yourself 0:08:14.520 --> 0:08:16.760 when you let people in and they let you down, 0:08:17.400 --> 0:08:17.840 for sure. 0:08:18.760 --> 0:08:22.040 Yeah, And what's the process of forgiving yourself in because 0:08:22.080 --> 0:08:24.720 that has to happen. So what have the process been 0:08:24.800 --> 0:08:25.160 like for you? 0:08:26.880 --> 0:08:33.200 I think the biggest part of the process is understanding 0:08:33.600 --> 0:08:36.240 that I did the best I could with the tools 0:08:36.240 --> 0:08:38.360 I was given. My therapist says that to me all 0:08:38.400 --> 0:08:43.600 the time, giving myself grace, speaking to my therapist and 0:08:44.040 --> 0:08:46.960 really connecting with my inner child and realizing like I 0:08:47.040 --> 0:08:50.400 was given all of these tools that are not necessarily 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:54.120 always useful or helpful, and one of those is like 0:08:54.240 --> 0:08:58.560 being self aware, but sometimes being painfully self aware and 0:08:58.880 --> 0:09:03.400 knowing when it's time to stop therapising myself and let 0:09:03.440 --> 0:09:05.120 my therapist guide me through that. 0:09:06.480 --> 0:09:09.280 That's such a hazard, right especially, I mean, you've talked 0:09:09.440 --> 0:09:12.200 very openly about your mental health journey, about your therapists, 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:15.320 your experiences with multiple therapists, and so at some point 0:09:15.360 --> 0:09:17.360 you do have to realize like, Okay, I can just 0:09:17.400 --> 0:09:19.720 be a human, Like everything is not like a self 0:09:19.720 --> 0:09:22.440 assessment and picking myself apart. 0:09:23.400 --> 0:09:26.000 Yeah. Absolutely, Yeah. 0:09:26.200 --> 0:09:28.920 How do you feel like mixing your mental health journey 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:31.320 with your creative journey? Like how has that shown up 0:09:31.400 --> 0:09:32.080 been your work? 0:09:32.720 --> 0:09:35.599 I had this realization the other day. When I was 0:09:35.640 --> 0:09:41.319 a kid growing up, it was a very toxic living situation, 0:09:42.400 --> 0:09:46.720 and I realized that I was just a really sad kid. 0:09:46.800 --> 0:09:49.200 I was dealing with depression. I remember like my first 0:09:49.440 --> 0:09:53.280 major depressive episode when I was like twelve. I realized 0:09:53.320 --> 0:09:59.000 that music was not the thing that made me happy. 0:09:59.520 --> 0:10:02.520 It's a thing that made me feel comfortable with being sad. 0:10:03.760 --> 0:10:09.000 And I've been taking that with me. You know, I 0:10:09.040 --> 0:10:11.360 go through different shifts in my journey, and I go 0:10:11.400 --> 0:10:13.679 down different packs and I learn more about myself, so 0:10:13.760 --> 0:10:16.760 my music just but I think the thing that remains 0:10:16.840 --> 0:10:19.360 the same is my authenticity. When it comes to the 0:10:19.520 --> 0:10:23.440 sad music. Those are the things that make me feel 0:10:23.520 --> 0:10:26.840 the best. They feel good when I'm performing them. It 0:10:26.880 --> 0:10:29.840 makes people cry, and it makes me cry, and then 0:10:29.920 --> 0:10:32.720 being super honest about my mental health, being honest about 0:10:32.760 --> 0:10:36.920 my sexual abuse, Like all these things are the only 0:10:37.080 --> 0:10:43.040 things that make me feel comfortable in music still, So yeah, 0:10:43.080 --> 0:10:46.600 I think being super vulnerable and open and genuine is 0:10:46.600 --> 0:10:50.160 the thing that makes me feel like the music matters more. 0:10:50.200 --> 0:10:59.760 From our conversation after the break, So what has it 0:10:59.840 --> 0:11:03.120 been like as an artist living with a bipolar disorder. 0:11:05.960 --> 0:11:08.640 I think the thing that I've struggled with the most 0:11:09.080 --> 0:11:13.280 is I take everything very personally, and I think that's 0:11:13.320 --> 0:11:19.839 a huge trigger for my bipolar And I also don't 0:11:19.840 --> 0:11:23.960 have a lot of time where I can sit and 0:11:24.040 --> 0:11:29.040 check in with myself. Having basically zero time for so 0:11:29.160 --> 0:11:32.080 many years just working my ass off in a very 0:11:32.320 --> 0:11:38.400 inconsistent and unpredictable environment made me not take care of 0:11:38.400 --> 0:11:40.880 my mental health and not understand what was going on. 0:11:41.400 --> 0:11:45.559 But when I got on medication, I was really scared 0:11:45.600 --> 0:11:49.200 to get on medication because I was like, it's going 0:11:49.240 --> 0:11:51.160 to take away my creativity. I think that's a huge 0:11:51.200 --> 0:11:53.520 struggle too. I think I was in denial for years 0:11:53.640 --> 0:11:55.240 about what was going on because I was like, I 0:11:55.240 --> 0:11:57.040 didn't I don't want it to take away my drive. 0:11:57.040 --> 0:11:59.640 I don't want it to take away my creativity because 0:11:59.679 --> 0:12:02.400 a lot of the music that I wrote that I 0:12:02.440 --> 0:12:06.640 felt the best about came from sadness, but it ended 0:12:06.720 --> 0:12:10.920 up making the music better because I wasn't dealing with 0:12:10.960 --> 0:12:16.880 all these extra thoughts. I think the bipolar magnified even 0:12:17.000 --> 0:12:20.880 more my fear of judgment because I had a lot 0:12:21.040 --> 0:12:27.400 of really negative, downspiraling messages I was telling myself constantly, 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:31.319 so hearing negative things and then telling myself negative things 0:12:31.360 --> 0:12:35.480 on top of that constantly. It became really tough. There were, 0:12:35.920 --> 0:12:39.360 of course, what I thought were great moments at the 0:12:39.400 --> 0:12:41.280 time when I felt like I was on top of 0:12:41.840 --> 0:12:43.880 the world in my career, and I felt like I 0:12:43.960 --> 0:12:47.079 was on top of the world personally. You know, mania 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:51.440 is a very real thing, and if you're bipolari to 0:12:51.520 --> 0:12:55.120 understand mania, feels amazing at the time, and then you 0:12:55.200 --> 0:12:58.320 realize that there's a huge crash and that was affecting 0:12:58.320 --> 0:13:01.320 my health a lot when I was having rough times 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:05.280 in my career and rough times mentally. So yeah, yeah, 0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:08.720 it's I think the unpredictability in general and my fear 0:13:08.720 --> 0:13:11.120 of judgment were the hardest things to deal with. For sure. 0:13:11.600 --> 0:13:14.640 I appreciate you sharing so honestly about your fears about 0:13:14.679 --> 0:13:16.959 taking medication, because I think it is a huge thing 0:13:17.040 --> 0:13:19.320 for people who are creative, right, like, how is this 0:13:19.440 --> 0:13:22.880 going to change my creativity? Am I gonna be the same? 0:13:23.440 --> 0:13:26.080 What kinds of things helped you to confront that fear 0:13:26.120 --> 0:13:28.120 and to become okay with taking the medication. 0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:33.200 So I had a couple people tell me that I 0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:42.439 was bipolar for years since I was twenty, And then 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:48.600 when I was twenty twenty three or twenty four, there 0:13:48.640 --> 0:13:53.920 was a song I wrote about depression called Heavy, and 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:56.720 I had Jennifer Lewis, who's really open about her mental 0:13:56.760 --> 0:14:00.640 health struggles, on the song. I took a clip from 0:14:00.679 --> 0:14:03.160 a podcast that she did that my mom had sent me, 0:14:03.840 --> 0:14:05.880 and I asked to put it on a song, and 0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:08.400 she asked to meet with me. So I went to 0:14:08.440 --> 0:14:09.800 her house and I was talking to her and I 0:14:09.840 --> 0:14:11.480 was just telling her what I was going through and 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:15.880 she was like, bit your bipolar And I was like, no, 0:14:15.960 --> 0:14:18.520 I'm not. She was like, yes you are. And she's 0:14:18.520 --> 0:14:20.280 also bi polar, and she was like, yes you are. 0:14:21.080 --> 0:14:25.200 She told me to read her book and call her 0:14:25.720 --> 0:14:27.680 as soon as I'm finished, and that she's not going 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:29.480 to reach out to me because I'm not going to 0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:32.000 change until I'm ready. I'm not going to look for 0:14:32.040 --> 0:14:33.960 help until I'm ready. And I hadn't had a therapist 0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:37.040 yet that I trusted and I didn't call her, so 0:14:37.120 --> 0:14:42.240 I was in denial for sure. And I had another 0:14:42.320 --> 0:14:46.200 therapist before that was white, and I felt like she 0:14:46.200 --> 0:14:48.960 didn't really understand family dynamics, so she couldn't really understand me, 0:14:49.760 --> 0:14:53.880 and she didn't understand my experience. And then a couple 0:14:53.880 --> 0:14:56.840 of years later, I ended up being referred to a 0:14:56.880 --> 0:15:00.640 black female therapist and that changed everything. The way that 0:15:00.680 --> 0:15:04.920 she approached things was also very different, Like she asked me, 0:15:05.360 --> 0:15:07.960 what would you do if I told you you were 0:15:08.000 --> 0:15:12.880 bit polar? And I think at that point I was 0:15:13.040 --> 0:15:18.720 so low and being told by somebody I felt super 0:15:18.720 --> 0:15:21.800 comfortable with and I trusted, my mind started to open 0:15:21.880 --> 0:15:28.520 up a little more and I just said, I think 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:31.360 I just laughed, Like anytime she tells me something, I 0:15:31.480 --> 0:15:35.760 just laughed. How to respond to it? It's like when comfortable, 0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:44.880 you know, nervous anxious response, I guess. And when I 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:49.720 accepted the diagnosis, she kind of was like trying to 0:15:49.760 --> 0:15:54.280 help me figure out how to manage things without medication, 0:15:55.120 --> 0:16:00.200 but I think at some point I was just so 0:16:02.000 --> 0:16:06.680 desperate to feel better, and she helped me get into 0:16:06.720 --> 0:16:10.800 this mindset of like, am I gonna live like this forever? 0:16:12.040 --> 0:16:15.000 Or would I rather just try something because I have 0:16:15.080 --> 0:16:20.520 nothing to lose. And that put me into a very 0:16:20.600 --> 0:16:24.240 vulnerable space that I was really scared to be in, 0:16:25.600 --> 0:16:30.680 but also opened my mind, and she referred me to 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:34.520 a psychiatrist, and then I had my first conversation. It 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:36.160 felt like I was breaking the seal, like I was 0:16:36.240 --> 0:16:39.600 just like, all right, let's try it. Let's see what happens. 0:16:39.680 --> 0:16:41.160 And I know I can get off of it if 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:43.760 I need to, but I might as well just try 0:16:43.800 --> 0:16:46.760 something because there are no other options at this point. 0:16:46.880 --> 0:16:49.600 I'm either gonna just live like this forever or try 0:16:49.640 --> 0:16:55.840 to change something in some way. So yeah, then I 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:59.280 tried the first medication, and I had to realize also 0:16:59.440 --> 0:17:02.200 that it was going to take a couple tries. Just 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:05.280 like a therapist, you have to find the one that fits. 0:17:05.680 --> 0:17:08.480 And took me a while, but I'm finally on something 0:17:08.760 --> 0:17:13.160 on a couple few different pills that make me feel 0:17:13.600 --> 0:17:15.640 comfortable and like I can live my life day to day. 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:19.679 And it was so magical. It really felt like magic. 0:17:19.920 --> 0:17:25.639 Like I had lived my whole life having these negative 0:17:26.000 --> 0:17:29.399 voices in my head things I was telling myself, and 0:17:30.800 --> 0:17:34.080 I would look at it's hard to explain to people 0:17:34.160 --> 0:17:36.760 that don't have bipolar. I would look at a tree 0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:39.560 and I would be like, Wow, that tree is so beautiful. 0:17:39.920 --> 0:17:42.120 Oh the leaves are falling off. Oh it's fall Oh 0:17:42.160 --> 0:17:45.720 my god, I'm going to die like it spiraled so fast, 0:17:46.440 --> 0:17:48.680 And that was my whole life. I lived my whole 0:17:48.680 --> 0:17:51.359 life like that. So when things started to change and 0:17:51.440 --> 0:17:53.720 my brain wasn't doing that, I was like, oh my god, 0:17:53.760 --> 0:17:55.480 this is magic. And it just made me want to 0:17:55.560 --> 0:17:59.800 keep searching for answers and yeah, and find different tools 0:17:59.840 --> 0:18:03.399 and ways that my brain could live a healthier life. 0:18:03.400 --> 0:18:06.959 And I'm so grateful I did that. So just breaking 0:18:07.000 --> 0:18:09.960 that seal and finding somebody that is that you're comfortable 0:18:10.000 --> 0:18:13.680 with talking to and that you respect getting that advice from. 0:18:15.880 --> 0:18:18.160 Yeah, I'm really glad that you found a treatment plan 0:18:18.240 --> 0:18:20.040 that has been working for you, because I know that 0:18:20.040 --> 0:18:21.879 that can be rough, right when you're trying lots of 0:18:21.920 --> 0:18:25.119 different medications, trying different things and you finally find the 0:18:25.160 --> 0:18:28.320 thing that works for you. Great, So I know. One 0:18:28.320 --> 0:18:30.880 of the things that is also really important for people 0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:34.480 who live with bipolar disorders is to have practices in 0:18:34.600 --> 0:18:38.199 terms of like staying grounded, sleep, hygien like, all of 0:18:38.200 --> 0:18:40.119 these things that kind of help you to kind of 0:18:40.119 --> 0:18:43.520 stay structured. What kinds of practices have you incorporated into 0:18:43.560 --> 0:18:45.680 your routine that helps to support your mental health. 0:18:48.560 --> 0:18:51.920 I definitely don't do enough. I know that there's more 0:18:51.960 --> 0:18:55.159 and more I could do. You know, what's really difficult 0:18:55.320 --> 0:18:58.119 is being in the moment and remembering the tools that 0:18:58.160 --> 0:19:01.840 you have. When you've dear life for so long, just 0:19:01.960 --> 0:19:05.000 trying to survive and be a warrior, it's really hard 0:19:05.000 --> 0:19:07.679 to remember the things that will help you. And I 0:19:07.680 --> 0:19:12.040 think the biggest thing when I've had really bad panic attacks, 0:19:12.480 --> 0:19:15.000 one of the coolest things and the biggest thing that's 0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:18.439 helped me is putting my hands or my face in 0:19:18.720 --> 0:19:23.120 a bowl of ice. That's super helpful, just shocking your 0:19:23.160 --> 0:19:26.879 nervous system and making you calm down. Another thing is 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:30.840 the tapping. I love tapping. It is really calm and 0:19:30.880 --> 0:19:34.040 you don't even realize it's working until you're already calmed down. 0:19:34.520 --> 0:19:36.880 Since I'm not the best at using the tools all 0:19:36.880 --> 0:19:39.600 the time, those are great emergency tools that I use 0:19:39.720 --> 0:19:42.479 for when I'm not in the best space. But I 0:19:42.560 --> 0:19:45.520 know I can be better for sure. 0:19:45.840 --> 0:19:48.800 I mean we all can. We all can, right, Like, 0:19:48.840 --> 0:19:50.960 there's always other things we can be doing, but I 0:19:51.000 --> 0:19:54.600 appreciate you sharing those. So what kind of things have 0:19:54.720 --> 0:19:58.399 you refused to compromise on in terms of growing as 0:19:58.440 --> 0:20:03.360 an artist? 0:20:06.680 --> 0:20:13.199 I refuse to compromise on my morals. I have not 0:20:13.440 --> 0:20:20.680 worked with people. Damn, I've gotten in trouble before publicly 0:20:20.720 --> 0:20:24.359 for saying things like this, But I have not worked 0:20:24.359 --> 0:20:27.520 with people that I don't agree with their politics or 0:20:27.520 --> 0:20:31.320 I don't agree with how they treated women, black women, 0:20:31.520 --> 0:20:37.400 women of color, LGBTQIA plus community. I go hard when 0:20:37.400 --> 0:20:40.520 it comes to things that are political or things that 0:20:40.520 --> 0:20:44.040 seem political that should not be political, and refuse to 0:20:44.040 --> 0:20:45.600 compromise on that. I think there are a lot of 0:20:45.600 --> 0:20:52.719 people that I could work with that would help my career, 0:20:52.880 --> 0:20:57.440 but I just refuse to invite them into my space, 0:20:57.600 --> 0:21:01.439 Like that's cool whatever they're doing. They're doing, but my 0:21:01.680 --> 0:21:07.159 audience comes to this space, this music space that I 0:21:07.320 --> 0:21:10.159 created and my team have created where they feel comfortable, 0:21:11.480 --> 0:21:14.439 they can be vulnerable and be their authentic selves. I 0:21:14.480 --> 0:21:16.919 never want people that are listening to my music to 0:21:17.000 --> 0:21:20.840 feel like they don't belong. So those people just don't 0:21:20.840 --> 0:21:23.560 belong in my space, and I refuse to compromise on there. 0:21:25.040 --> 0:21:36.480 More from our conversation after the break, has anything surprised 0:21:36.520 --> 0:21:39.239 you about the way that your fans have reacted to 0:21:39.520 --> 0:21:40.720 your most recent work? 0:21:43.480 --> 0:21:48.280 You know what, No, they support me no matter what, 0:21:48.600 --> 0:21:51.840 and I'm so grateful for them. I feel like I 0:21:51.880 --> 0:21:55.840 could put out us oh horrible song. I mean, I 0:21:55.880 --> 0:21:58.400 have put out some horrible songs in my opinion, and 0:21:58.440 --> 0:22:03.280 they love them. So yeah. I feel like they always 0:22:03.320 --> 0:22:06.480 find a reason why things make sense for them to 0:22:06.560 --> 0:22:10.119 listen to any song I put out, and it makes 0:22:10.119 --> 0:22:14.040 them feel heard in some way. So yeah, I'm not 0:22:14.080 --> 0:22:17.240 surprised at all. I think some of the songs that 0:22:17.480 --> 0:22:20.639 they cling on to the most maybe I'm surprised about, 0:22:20.760 --> 0:22:24.000 but I'm not surprised that they love it because they 0:22:24.040 --> 0:22:26.760 always have my back, so it's really sweet to them. 0:22:26.880 --> 0:22:27.960 I love them so much. 0:22:28.600 --> 0:22:29.119 I love that. 0:22:29.320 --> 0:22:29.800 I love that. 0:22:30.359 --> 0:22:32.600 So what advice would you have for other young women 0:22:32.640 --> 0:22:34.880 of color who maybe are coming up in the entertainment 0:22:35.240 --> 0:22:38.639 industry wanting to maintain their sense of autonomy and you know, 0:22:38.720 --> 0:22:40.600 kind of stick to their values in terms of what's 0:22:40.640 --> 0:22:41.400 important to them. 0:22:44.880 --> 0:22:48.040 The best advice I can give, and I always give this, 0:22:48.080 --> 0:22:50.479 But it doesn't matter because no matter how many people 0:22:51.280 --> 0:22:53.959 it reaches, or how many people hear it, or how 0:22:53.960 --> 0:22:56.919 many times they needed to hear it, it matters. No, 0:22:57.040 --> 0:23:00.919 it's not a bad word. I grew up thinking that 0:23:01.480 --> 0:23:04.040 everybody else in the room is smarter than me, has 0:23:04.080 --> 0:23:08.920 better ideas than me, and that put me in some 0:23:09.000 --> 0:23:16.280 really vulnerable spaces. And I always felt like, because everybody 0:23:16.280 --> 0:23:18.159 else is smarter than me or knows more than me, 0:23:18.600 --> 0:23:22.159 me saying no or having an opinion is bad. It 0:23:22.240 --> 0:23:25.520 felt like the worst thing I could possibly do, especially 0:23:25.600 --> 0:23:29.080 being a younger person in all these rooms and a 0:23:29.119 --> 0:23:33.800 lot of times with grown men. So yeah, I would say, 0:23:34.359 --> 0:23:38.440 your ideas are as important, your autonomy is as important, 0:23:38.880 --> 0:23:42.159 your mental health is as important as anybody else is 0:23:42.200 --> 0:23:45.879 in the room. No, it's just a word. It's not 0:23:46.320 --> 0:23:48.680 a bad word. You can say. 0:23:48.720 --> 0:23:51.439 No, what do you feel like? Is one thing? You 0:23:51.560 --> 0:23:54.119 want more people to know about what it means to 0:23:54.200 --> 0:23:55.879 live with a bipolar disorder. 0:23:58.960 --> 0:24:05.200 That or not just difficult or overly emotional or dramatic 0:24:06.040 --> 0:24:09.600 I've lived my life being a very sensitive person and 0:24:09.640 --> 0:24:15.040 an empathetic person, and I think sometimes how deeply I 0:24:15.119 --> 0:24:24.160 feel things has been maybe misconstrued as me being dramatic, 0:24:25.600 --> 0:24:28.000 and then it also caused me at times to shut 0:24:28.040 --> 0:24:33.159 down and not share my thoughts or feelings, and then 0:24:33.480 --> 0:24:35.680