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Speaker 1: The Fred Show is on. It's stay or go all right,

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Speaker 1: Lissa is here. Good morning, Lissa, how are you hi?

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Speaker 2: Good morning, welcome.

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Speaker 1: To the show, Good morning, Thanks for being here. So

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Speaker 1: we appreciate the note. Fredschawradio dot comic dms too. Fred

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Speaker 1: Schier Radio at Instagram is So it's like group therapy, right,

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Speaker 1: a bunch of us more on's unlicensed more ons. You're

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Speaker 1: going to try and help you, tanks, whatever life problem

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Speaker 1: you're having, So please take it away, because when life

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Speaker 1: isn't going well, the right thing you do is call

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Speaker 1: a morning radio show without question. So here we are.

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Speaker 1: We're here for me, Alyssa.

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Speaker 2: Please, I need your advice. No one else can help.

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Speaker 1: Me, nobody, nobody.

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Speaker 2: This is probably a pretty common problem, and I wouldn't

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Speaker 2: really say it's an issue, but I don't. I don't

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Speaker 2: want it to become an issue. So my husband and

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Speaker 2: I we've been married for a very very long time,

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Speaker 2: well about fourteen years, so to me, that's a very

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Speaker 2: long time. And you know, we love each other very much.

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Speaker 2: I love him very very much. I'm very attracted to him.

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Speaker 3: Still to this day.

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Speaker 2: Honestly, however, life obviously has gotten in the way. I'm

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Speaker 2: always busy, I'm tired. We I'm wondering what is expected

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Speaker 2: to I don't I don't want to be graphic, but

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Speaker 2: just sex, right, Like how often is expected to have

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Speaker 2: sex once you've been in a relationship for fourteen years?

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Speaker 1: Okay, I'm struggling. What do you mean you're struggling, like, like,

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Speaker 1: how often is to happen?

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Speaker 2: I'm just I mean maybe once a month, once a

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Speaker 2: month for me, and I'm okay with that, but I

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Speaker 2: just don't know if he is. It seems like he wants.

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Speaker 1: It more, okay, and so, but you don't know if

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Speaker 1: he's okay. I mean, I feel like you you sense

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Speaker 1: that he's not okay because if it were fine, I mean,

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Speaker 1: if he was okay with once a month, and I

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Speaker 1: don't think he'd be calling.

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Speaker 2: I think he wants it more because he's very touchy

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Speaker 2: and you know, gives massages and he's very like loving

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Speaker 2: and I can tell when he wants it. But I

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Speaker 2: don't want to constantly be like no, no, no, no.

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Speaker 1: Nook in the back thing, not in the mood that

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Speaker 1: all trick. You're so you're never in the mood once a.

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Speaker 2: Month sometimes sometimes sometimes he gets me sometimes as a massage.

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Speaker 2: It does work, but I'm just a lot of times

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Speaker 2: I'm just tired by then, you know, and I don't know,

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Speaker 2: I'm just not wanting it as much.

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Speaker 1: So what is normal? So what do you look at?

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Speaker 1: Are you looking for that? Like you're looking for reassurance

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Speaker 1: people to call in here and say how many times

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Speaker 1: they get it on as a married person, you know,

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Speaker 1: or if it I'm sure it's not what it was

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Speaker 1: when you met. I mean, that's that's not unreasonable. But

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Speaker 1: I mean once a month sounds a little low for

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Speaker 1: someone who's attracted to their husband, and I assume likewise

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Speaker 1: and in a happy, healthy relationship. I think once a

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Speaker 1: month sounds a little bit low.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I mean I don't know, I don't know what

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Speaker 2: the average like, what is typical? Right, That's why I'm wondering.

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Speaker 1: But the purpose of this segment would be wrong with me.

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Speaker 1: And I realized that when people don't really you know,

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Speaker 1: hang up the phone and stay or go, I realized

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Speaker 1: it's not that literal. But I mean, usually this segment

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Speaker 1: is for people who are really debating what to do,

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Speaker 1: you know, in a more final way, I mean, is

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Speaker 1: it something where like you must send some sort of problem.

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Speaker 1: You must send some sort of deficit or dismay about it, right,

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Speaker 1: because I mean, if you're thinking about it like that, well.

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Speaker 2: For sure, he's frustrated. I mean I can tell he's

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Speaker 2: frustrated whenever I'm not in the mood. And I don't

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Speaker 2: want him to go elsewhere, right. I don't think he would,

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Speaker 2: but I don't want him to get at that point

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Speaker 2: where he's like, oh, she doesn't.

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Speaker 1: That was my next question. Lissen. You've been married for

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Speaker 1: fourteen years. You know you're not maybe as driven for

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Speaker 1: whatever reason. Would you have a problem if you were like, Look,

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Speaker 1: I love you, I don't want to divorce you. I

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Speaker 1: want to be with you, but I do sort of

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Speaker 1: have needs that you don't want to meet. So I'm

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Speaker 1: you know, what if I just what if he just

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Speaker 1: went off and you know, handled it and you never

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Speaker 1: found out about it, like an open relationship, but you

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Speaker 1: didn't have to know.

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Speaker 2: I had not thought of that, honestly. I mean we're

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Speaker 2: very close, we're good friends, and obviously you know we've

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Speaker 2: know so well. I've never really thought of it that way.

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Speaker 2: I don't know that I would like it, but I'd have.

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Speaker 1: To think about that listen. Is that what happen that

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Speaker 1: you guys would just become friends after all this time?

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Speaker 2: No, I mean we're still attracted to each other. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: we're just we're friends.

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Speaker 4: Too, you know.

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Speaker 1: Huh, they're just not getting it popping. I mean, okay,

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Speaker 1: I want to three five. I want to know from

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Speaker 1: people who have been married for a while or in

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Speaker 1: a relationship for a long time. I mean, at some point,

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Speaker 1: is it just does it just become sort of the

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Speaker 1: expectation that it's just not going to happen that much,

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Speaker 1: because it does get weird when you have to Like,

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Speaker 1: like I can only imagine a situation where I would

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Speaker 1: have to go to my partner and say I want

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Speaker 1: more of this, because I'm sure, as someone who loves him,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna want to do that for him. But I

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Speaker 1: also I don't want to do that with somebody who's

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Speaker 1: not fully engaged in the process, Like I want someone

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Speaker 1: to meet me in the middle on that, you know

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Speaker 1: what I mean, Like, I don't want to have to

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Speaker 1: I don't want you to feel like, you know, inconvenienced

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Speaker 1: by by me doing something. I really you know that

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Speaker 1: in relationships there are times where he wants to and

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Speaker 1: you don't, or vice versa, and so maybe it's not uh,

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Speaker 1: you know, swinging from the ceiling. But at the same time,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to I don't want to have to

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Speaker 1: go to you and say, hey, once a month, is

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Speaker 1: it working for me? I want you to be interested

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Speaker 1: in me five times a month, and then you're like,

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Speaker 1: you know, scheduling it almost or checking off like it's

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Speaker 1: some kind of a quota. So I wonder how people

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Speaker 1: handle that, because that's that's got to be a little

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Speaker 1: bit tough, because I want to feel wanted to write

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Speaker 1: and you're saying that you do, you are attracted to him.

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Speaker 1: You just is it that drive thing? Do you think

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Speaker 1: maybe like, is it possible there's a medical thing going

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Speaker 1: on or I mean, I'm not a doctor anymore, I'm

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Speaker 1: not currently licensed. There was a mix up, and that's

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Speaker 1: something I.

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Speaker 2: Would look into. But that's why I'm asking. I'm asking

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Speaker 2: you and you know your listeners, what what does everyone

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Speaker 2: else do? I mean, is that even a normal thing

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Speaker 2: or not?

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Speaker 4: That's what I'm wondering.

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Speaker 1: So for the semi married people in the room, what

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Speaker 1: are we averaging several times a week? Would you say it's.

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Speaker 5: A week, yes, But I only do that because to

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Speaker 5: me it's important. It's important part of my marriage. Like

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Speaker 5: I'm only like, what like four months married, so like

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Speaker 5: I can't speak to fourteen years. But to me, it

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Speaker 5: seems like something that I want to prioritize because to me,

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Speaker 5: that's also important to be intimate with my husband, because

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Speaker 5: I don't want to ever lose that, you know what

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Speaker 5: I mean. I want us to and I'm pregnant, so

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Speaker 5: mind you that too, but I also want us to

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Speaker 5: keep that spark. I think it's really important because like

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Speaker 5: you were mentioning Fred like about going to your partner, right,

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Speaker 5: would you go to your partner about other things too?

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Speaker 5: If you didn't feel like you need in other departments?

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Speaker 5: Maybe like, oh, I look like you don't listen to me.

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Speaker 5: I feel like, you know, we don't spend time together.

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Speaker 5: Whatever it might be, like, yeah, but there's something about

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Speaker 5: the physical aspect of a relationship or I don't I

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Speaker 5: guess I don't want to have to tell somebody, But

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Speaker 5: bringing it up is not a bad thing, I don't

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Speaker 5: think so, at least to let them know how you're feeling.

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Speaker 1: Right, No, I'm sure there's a conversation to be had,

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Speaker 1: but at the same time, I just I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I don't ever want to be in a position where

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Speaker 1: I have to say, look, we don't do it enough,

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Speaker 1: but we have to do it this many times or

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Speaker 1: otherwise I won't be satisfied or whatever, because that's that's

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Speaker 1: that's inorganic. I mean, now you're forcing it. It doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to be like.

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Speaker 5: That, like we must put it in the calendar, calendar,

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Speaker 5: invice sent. I think it could just be like, hey,

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Speaker 5: like what can we do to be more intimate?

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Speaker 1: Right? What can we do to continue this?

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Speaker 5: Because I think fourteen years is a long time, and

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Speaker 5: I think that the spark can die or like if

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Speaker 5: you get too comfortable, that can.

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Speaker 1: Go away so quick. Well, it sounds like he's trying,

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Speaker 1: you know, it does something he's trying to initiate, and

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Speaker 1: there's only so long I can do that before I'm like, okay, right,

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Speaker 1: you know, listen, let me take some phone calls on

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Speaker 1: this and see what other people have to say, because

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Speaker 1: I don't you know, my longest relationship is like twenty

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Speaker 1: three minutes, so I never had this problem. But but listen,

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Speaker 1: and if someone won't put out you know, if it's

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Speaker 1: twenty three minutes. I still after at the end of

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Speaker 1: twenty three minutes, If I still can't get any then

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Speaker 1: we have a real problem with our hands. I gotta

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Speaker 1: move on. Alyssa, thank you, have a good day.

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Speaker 6: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: Keep the radio on and let's see what people say. Hey, Kathy,

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Speaker 1: good morning.

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Speaker 7: Good morning.

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Speaker 1: How are you hi, Kathy? Great, thanks for calling, thanks

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Speaker 1: for listening to say or go. So, this woman, Alyssa has

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Speaker 1: been with her guess husband. They've been together, they're married, yeah,

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Speaker 1: for fourteen years and for her, you know, being intimate

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Speaker 1: like once a month is okay, and she says that

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Speaker 1: that's not enough for him, and it's sort of like, well,

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Speaker 1: she doesn't think she's going to change her needs and

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Speaker 1: he may not change his needs. So like, what do

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Speaker 1: you do in that situation?

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Speaker 7: Okay, So, first of all, girl, it's completely normal. It

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Speaker 7: totally happens, but it shouldn't be normal. That's the biggest

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Speaker 7: problem is we all think that this is the norm,

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Speaker 7: but you have to change what's making you tired, what's

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Speaker 7: making him tired or not tired, is maybe he needs

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Speaker 7: to help you out a little bit more and take

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Speaker 7: some of the stress off of you on a regular basis.

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Speaker 7: And then he can see the balance in how tired

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Speaker 7: he's going to get when he starts doing a few

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Speaker 7: extra things around the house, and that'll alleviate some of

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Speaker 7: your stress and you not being so tired, maybe you'll

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Speaker 7: be more in the mood. But also, this is such

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Speaker 7: a common thing in marriages. Fourteen years is a long time.

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Speaker 7: I've been married for twenty years. Everybody goes through this.

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Speaker 7: You have to communicate. That's the most important thing is

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Speaker 7: communicate how you're feelings so things can get better. And

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Speaker 7: if he's willing to work on that, then you can

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Speaker 7: get through everything.

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Speaker 1: So you're not suggesting, like swingers open relationships. You're saying

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Speaker 1: that's a drastic over corrections. I did not say that, okay,

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Speaker 1: all because I was just I want to make sure

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Speaker 1: you didn't say that. Okay, Thank you, Kathy, have a

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Speaker 1: good day you too, Guys.

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Speaker 8: Love you.

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Speaker 1: I'm glad you called. Love you too. Hey, Jesse, good morning,

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Speaker 1: Good morning, Hi Jesse. So Alyssa is worried about sort

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Speaker 1: of her lack of drive, not her lack of a

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Speaker 1: I guess attraction to her husband, but her lack of drive.

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Speaker 1: What do you do about that?

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Speaker 4: Okay, So one I'm a midwife and I've also been

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Speaker 4: married for thirteen years. Honestly, a lot of it sounds

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Speaker 4: like hormone imbalance because there there is a lot of

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Speaker 4: things that happen, especially as you get older, that can

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Speaker 4: change in your hormones that really make it harder for women,

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Speaker 4: especially to want to be intimate. But there are definitely

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Speaker 4: the that you can do about it, and I really

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Speaker 4: think as a couple you do need to prioritize everybody's

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Speaker 4: love languages, like my husband's love languages physical touch, and

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Speaker 4: he's very he very much needs physical touch in order

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Speaker 4: to feel loved, and you know what I mean.

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Speaker 7: So he is very good.

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Speaker 4: About communicating like, hey, I'm feeling a little bit unloved,

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Speaker 4: Like are you okay?

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Speaker 7: What's going on?

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Speaker 4: And then we talked about why, you know, maybe we're

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Speaker 4: not having intimate relations We have, you know, three little

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Speaker 4: children that are six, three and one. So yeah, you know,

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Speaker 4: this sounds.

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Speaker 1: Like this is not time, right, Yeah, I mean yeah,

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Speaker 1: also huh, but.

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Speaker 4: There's definitely so many things that play. But I think

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Speaker 4: hormones definitely getting checked, especially after such a long relationship.

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Speaker 4: It's not a bad thing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, fair enough, all right, thank you? Jesse, have a

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Speaker 1: good day, you too? A fight? Yeah, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I mean, definitely a conversation is in order. But I

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Speaker 1: also it's it's a fine line because what if they're

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Speaker 1: what if it's it's just simply like there's nothing wrong

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Speaker 1: with her medically, there's nothing wrong with the way she

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Speaker 1: feels about the guy. She just doesn't really care. It's

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Speaker 1: just not important to her and it is important to him.

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Speaker 1: Like that's that's a that's a total game changer. I mean,

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Speaker 1: that's like a diverging path. It is, you know, and

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Speaker 1: I guess I wonder, you know, what do you do?

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Speaker 1: I mean, you blow up the whole thing because you

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Speaker 1: need to be satisfied sexually and the other person doesn't.

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Speaker 1: I mean, do you walk away from that? How do

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Speaker 1: you say? Any is it? Keroston?

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Speaker 4: Yes?

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Speaker 1: Oh? Okay, good, it was a good guess, Good morning.

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Speaker 1: What do you think is there?

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Speaker 6: Go?

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Speaker 1: Well? Ish?

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Speaker 8: Honestly, I would say she needs to sit down and

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Speaker 8: talk to her husband at one point or another. My

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Speaker 8: ex husband and I we went two and a half

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Speaker 8: years without having sex. And it's true, we just became

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Speaker 8: friends and there was no intimacy. We didn't even really

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Speaker 8: hang out at any point, and he didn't help with

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Speaker 8: the house, So it just became we were in this

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Speaker 8: lull and sex is important in a relationship, So I

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Speaker 8: would honestly just have her sit down and talk with

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Speaker 8: her husband, and they both need to talk about what

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Speaker 8: their needs and wants are in the relationship, if she

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Speaker 8: needs more help around the house, if he needs more sex,

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Speaker 8: and they need to have an honest conversation with each other.

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Speaker 1: Was that ultimately the purpose for the divorce was the

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Speaker 1: lack of intimacy or was it all the things?

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Speaker 8: It was a multitude of things, between the lack of sex,

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Speaker 8: the lack of help around the house, just our lack

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Speaker 8: of communication, and it just it was a cluster of

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Speaker 8: issues that led to that.

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Speaker 1: Fair enough, Thank you, Kristen, have a good day. Thanks

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Speaker 1: People are they're jumping to this idea that like he's

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Speaker 1: not helping and stuff, and she didn't indicate any of that,

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Speaker 1: Like this is just people surmising what it could be.

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Speaker 1: But she didn't make it seem like she wasn't wasn't

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Speaker 1: happy with his performance in the relationship and thus wasn't

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Speaker 1: rewarding him. She made it seem like she just doesn't care, right,

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Speaker 1: Like she's not that into sex, which some people aren't.

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Speaker 2: I guess, you know, depends on the person.

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Speaker 1: And I suppose if it's medical and she wants to

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Speaker 1: fix it. But she didn't even seem like she thought

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Speaker 1: it was that, you know, it's not like my drive

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Speaker 1: is down and I really wish it were higher, and

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Speaker 1: so I'm going to go figure it out. Yeah, he

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Speaker 1: was fine, just worried about him. I guess, which I

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Speaker 1: don't know if that like I've taken medication before in

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Speaker 1: my life that has decreased my drive and it has

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Speaker 1: been a problem in relationships. And so then I go

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Speaker 1: to the doctor and I say, well what is oh okay,

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Speaker 1: well it's related to this, and then then we switch

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Speaker 1: things up and then whatever. Because it's not that I

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Speaker 1: didn't want it to be down. It just was right right.

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Speaker 1: She didn't jump to, you know, he didn't do enough

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Speaker 1: at home, or I need to go, you know, seek

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Speaker 1: medical advice. She kind of just seek or she kind

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Speaker 1: of made it sound like, well, I don't really want

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Speaker 1: to do it. Hey Ruby, Hey, hi Ruby, good morning.

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Speaker 1: So you you're more like the medical camp, like maybe

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Speaker 1: something's wrong.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, I am kind of in the similar situation and

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Speaker 6: I am been married with my husband for over ten years,

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Speaker 6: and I did seek out medical attention just because I

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Speaker 6: didn't have that drive. And I, you know, it was

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Speaker 6: kind of like the caller that sadly she didn't have

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Speaker 6: any intimacy with her husband for like a month or so.

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Speaker 6: So I definitely think she should just check with her

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Speaker 6: OBI or just her you know, her doctor, and just

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Speaker 6: check and see if it is like a hormone thing,

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Speaker 6: but also communicate with her husband for sure.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, Ruby, thank you have a good day.

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Speaker 2: You too.

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Speaker 1: You probably should asked her if she has urges for

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Speaker 1: other people? Yeah, Like does she what about like by

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Speaker 1: herself or you know, other stimulus, Like does that do

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Speaker 1: it for I wonder, because then that would indicate not

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Speaker 1: a lack of drive, but some kind of an emotional

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Speaker 1: you know, disconnect of some kind of Hey, in my

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Speaker 1: expert opinion, I have a minor in psychology. I got

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Speaker 1: it twenty some years ago. I know exactly what I'm

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Speaker 1: talking about. Hey, Sandra, Hi, Hi, good morning. You have

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Speaker 1: the opposite problem.

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Speaker 7: Yes, I I think.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I've been married twenty years, I'm in my forties.

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Speaker 3: But I want to say that it's definitely like you

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Speaker 3: have to talk about it, like, if you want it,

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Speaker 3: you have to let them know. Like at that point

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Speaker 3: in a relationship, it's like, you know what, this is

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Speaker 3: what I want and this is what you need to do,

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Speaker 3: and let's do it. And if you need to make appointments,

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Speaker 3: like do it.

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Speaker 5: You know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a tough one, like drive is a tough

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Speaker 1: one because again it's like I don't want to make

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Speaker 1: you And maybe some people don't care, maybe they're just

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Speaker 1: in it to get their rocks off or whatever. But

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Speaker 1: like for me, it's the connection, and if you don't

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Speaker 1: want to be there, then the connection is going to

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Speaker 1: be off and it's not going to work. It might

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Speaker 1: even make it worse because then it's like, oh, you

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Speaker 1: resent being with me physically, you know what I mean,

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Speaker 1: And so you can talk about it.

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Speaker 3: Sure, but yeah, sure, like the connection has to be

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Speaker 3: I mean, it's there. She's physically attracted to him still,

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Speaker 3: you know what I mean, and obviously he is too.

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Speaker 3: Then just make it work, you know, like, hey, I

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Speaker 3: know you're tired, but you know this is I need

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Speaker 3: you to put out and this is what we're doing,

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Speaker 3: and you know, spark it.

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Speaker 1: Up again, they should to one of those resorts where

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Speaker 1: every all the adults just walk around naked and just

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Speaker 1: hedonism and then just do each other. And then she

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Speaker 1: can see she can see like either I'm not into

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Speaker 1: him or I'm not into sex, you know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: Because if she's into other stuff, then like if she's

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Speaker 1: seeing some other things on the menu that she's interested in,

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Speaker 1: then then we have an issue with him. But if

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Speaker 1: she walking around here and nothing's working, We're looking at

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Speaker 1: a bunch of naked people, nothing's working, then I would

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Speaker 1: say maybe that's a medical issue. See yeah, true, that's

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Speaker 1: that's that's the laboratory, this problem situation. Thank you, Sandra,

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Speaker 1: have a good day. Yes, I think she needs to

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Speaker 1: spend the night with another man and see what happen.

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Speaker 1: Oh what do you think about that? Like indecent proposal,

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Speaker 1: you know, like with another dude, and then if like

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Speaker 1: at the end, if she comes back and I couldn't

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Speaker 1: get enough, well, then problem solved. We know, we know

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Speaker 1: what's going on. It's a hym issue. Well, you should

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Speaker 1: be a relationship count. I am actually on the radio.

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Speaker 1: That's you can get what you pay for the entertainment,

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Speaker 1: which she'll be selling next Bread shows back in three

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Speaker 1: minutes after Ed Sheeran