Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, This very podcast which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now. Avail every rust.
Speaker 1: Get your podcast at such a Spotify, Apple Go listen
Speaker 1: right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.
Speaker 1: Go listen to see by. When it comes to relationships,
Speaker 1: I hate the word boundaries. I used to believe in
Speaker 1: boundaries until I gave you one and you would like,
Speaker 1: oh hell no. For me, it's about one word R E,
Speaker 1: S B c T. Find out what it means to
Speaker 1: d Just don't do anything that's going to make people
Speaker 1: question your loyalty within our relationship. Dead ass. Hey, I'm
Speaker 1: Cadine and we're the ellisit. You may know us from
Speaker 1: posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other
Speaker 1: publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I make you
Speaker 1: need derby most days. And one more important thing to mention,
Speaker 1: we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast
Speaker 1: to open dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics,
Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the
Speaker 1: lens of a millennial, married couple. Dead ass is a
Speaker 1: term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass,
Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts on the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We're about to take philow
Speaker 1: talk to a whole new level. Dead ask starts now
Speaker 1: two thousand and four. Oh lord, he digging up the dirt, y'all. College? Okay,
Speaker 1: And this is why I don't like boundaries. I just
Speaker 1: came off a game in college, just scored three touchdowns.
Speaker 1: Facebook had just started popping, right. I go to my messages,
Speaker 1: A young lady writes in my insbox, Hey, good game, Devo.
Speaker 1: I know where you're going with this. He goes, goes, oh,
Speaker 1: you out here entertaining these little friends of yours. I
Speaker 1: had three touchdowns, like I had. I really had a
Speaker 1: good game. Though. She was just like, now, I don't
Speaker 1: want nobody an inbox. Fast forward basketball season codeine in
Speaker 1: boxes one of her residents who's a basketball player, Hey,
Speaker 1: good game. So I'm like, oh, so we're gonna be
Speaker 1: in boxing people now. So now you're trying to be
Speaker 1: one of these little friends. When of these little holes,
Speaker 1: and she like, now, I ain't know ho, I know
Speaker 1: what my attentions are. He had a good game. That's
Speaker 1: my resident exactly. That's the relationship I had with all
Speaker 1: of my residents. I lived in an area on campus
Speaker 1: that was all athletes. So I did that for my females.
Speaker 1: I did that for the males. I did that for
Speaker 1: soccer season. I did that for lcross season. So don't
Speaker 1: try to make it an issue now because he was
Speaker 1: kind of cute, because you know, I don't remember seeing
Speaker 1: you inbox no female lacrosse. Did you go through female
Speaker 1: across players? No, you didn't look for the one guy,
Speaker 1: So stop ship story. Name one female across field hockey player.
Speaker 1: Name one field hockey player you know from hofstro I'm waiting.
Speaker 1: Did not shut up? You're so annoying. No new friends,
Speaker 1: No new friends, No new friends, no, no, Now, she
Speaker 1: loved this ride. What my day was? Don't really need
Speaker 1: no new friends, new friendsens, No new friends, new friends.
Speaker 1: Don't get on the new friends topic. Okay, oh god,
Speaker 1: we subscribe to something completely different now. But we're going
Speaker 1: to take you all through a journey. How we got here,
Speaker 1: How we got here? Where we started Okay when it
Speaker 1: comes to de val in his Little Friends. I specifically
Speaker 1: remember these times in our relationships because there's one thing
Speaker 1: I learned about women, and I'm not gonna say all women,
Speaker 1: because anytime you say all women, you put you put
Speaker 1: a brush over all women. Can't say all women but
Speaker 1: young women who are learning to mature into mature women.
Speaker 1: Same thing with young men. Right. One thing I've learned
Speaker 1: women like to behave in a manner that they do
Speaker 1: not want other women to behave when it comes to
Speaker 1: their boyfriend. They don't mind doing it to other people's
Speaker 1: boyfriends and justifying it. Women like doing that, which women
Speaker 1: not me because I fully know my intentions when I
Speaker 1: So first of all, let's go back to the story time. Okay, right,
Speaker 1: all right, So Devout always brings this topic up as
Speaker 1: one of like the values of our relationship because it's
Speaker 1: the microcosm of what I had to go through in
Speaker 1: our relationship, and it was you know what to him
Speaker 1: in that moment. I can understand he saw like, this
Speaker 1: was one of the star basketball players on the team,
Speaker 1: good looking guy. Devoutnew my type, so he was probably like,
Speaker 1: you know what, K sending this message to this guy
Speaker 1: was probably her doing to me or doing to him
Speaker 1: what that other young lady was doing to me, right,
Speaker 1: because you thought that now I was just trying to
Speaker 1: be a little hole. No, I honestly didn't think that.
Speaker 1: I was just trying to prove a point that if
Speaker 1: a young lady sends me a message, you automatically assume
Speaker 1: she's a home because I don't know her intentions. So
Speaker 1: my thing is, how do you think other people look
Speaker 1: at you by sending the same message? And my thing is,
Speaker 1: you don't even try to think about the fact that
Speaker 1: I'm not worried about what your inter is. I know you,
Speaker 1: you're my girl, but the same way other people are
Speaker 1: gonna look at her as like, oh, that little hole
Speaker 1: was in Devours messages. Now people looking at you, my girl,
Speaker 1: is that little hole in his message? But you don't
Speaker 1: care about that. It's something I didn't care about it.
Speaker 1: I didn't see it that way because I had a
Speaker 1: relationship with my residents and they knew what it was.
Speaker 1: So whether it was him, or whether it was a
Speaker 1: lacrosse player or whether it was somebody else, they would
Speaker 1: have seen the same thing if they all had good games.
Speaker 1: That was my m O that's the r D. That
Speaker 1: was nice, and I knew about my people's schedules. And
Speaker 1: this is my point with women, especially young women. Right,
Speaker 1: do you think that basketball play or his friends have
Speaker 1: access to all of the other athletes in boxes? Of course? Okay,
Speaker 1: so they see you in boxing him, you think that, hey,
Speaker 1: she's the resident director. She's No, she's not. And this
Speaker 1: is my thing. Women find ways to justify their behavior
Speaker 1: and their actions while shaming other women for doing the
Speaker 1: same type of behavior. And what I found was that
Speaker 1: that was very toxic. We talked about toxicity on this show.
Speaker 1: That was toxic for us. And we were younger. We
Speaker 1: were in college too, So I mean, and I behaved
Speaker 1: in ways that I didn't want. I was about to say,
Speaker 1: because you said, oh, women behave, and because you were
Speaker 1: talking about we were talking about the story now and
Speaker 1: I was getting back to the story. So what I
Speaker 1: was saying was I really didn't have a problem with you.
Speaker 1: And this is going to get to us talking about boundaries.
Speaker 1: I know, I'm probably, like very probably one of the
Speaker 1: most confident people that I know. Nobody loves devote more
Speaker 1: than devalorce. All right, we know this, No, yeah, definebod
Speaker 1: knows this, So I was not worried about, Oh good,
Speaker 1: he is going to leave me. Oh my god. He
Speaker 1: blames basketball. First of all, I play ball too. I'll
Speaker 1: dunkle his ass. I don't give the fuck. Okay, that's
Speaker 1: just how I felt, right, But I was worried about
Speaker 1: the fact that you gave me a hard time for
Speaker 1: a message I couldn't control and then did the same
Speaker 1: exact behavior. I was like, that to me just made
Speaker 1: no sense, and in the course of our relationship, I
Speaker 1: didn't understand how we were going to get through these
Speaker 1: times where you were gonna, you know, do things that
Speaker 1: you got upset for other people doing. To know, I
Speaker 1: think it's a very real thing, and in all seriousness,
Speaker 1: it is a real thing because I know me as
Speaker 1: a woman, and some of even like my close female
Speaker 1: friends or other women who have had conversation with they
Speaker 1: feel like when it comes to a member of the
Speaker 1: opposite sex and having any kind of interaction, whether it's
Speaker 1: just a platonic friendship or coworker relationship, whatever it may be,
Speaker 1: we feel as though the control is in my hands.
Speaker 1: Nothing is going to happen that I don't want to happen,
Speaker 1: because you feel like men can't control their urges in part,
Speaker 1: that's some of it. But I feel like I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna lie. I sit up all the time and talk
Speaker 1: about how much I need sex and want I can't
Speaker 1: then backtrack. That's especially a young man. That's fair. So
Speaker 1: the weaker of the two, I would say, would probably
Speaker 1: be the man. If the woman is about it, then hey,
Speaker 1: because at the same time, to you not, a man
Speaker 1: can't force it on a woman either. You know, a
Speaker 1: man can force on a woman. But that's a whole Yeah.
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is that, like you know, it
Speaker 1: definitely is completely different. But what I'm saying is that's fair.
Speaker 1: I talk about men's weaknesses all the time. I can't
Speaker 1: backtrack and then say now that we're stronger. I think
Speaker 1: when it comes to matters of sex, women are stronger mentally.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie, but ahead, right. So that being said,
Speaker 1: the reason why I felt like I had control, especially
Speaker 1: in that situation, is because well, it was a message
Speaker 1: and that was it, and that was even if he
Speaker 1: wanted to create conversation with me after the fact, I
Speaker 1: know that I was gonna put the combastion that anyway,
Speaker 1: because that's not what I was there for. But I
Speaker 1: do understand in a retrospe now where you're coming from
Speaker 1: where you felt like kating. You're doing exactly to this
Speaker 1: female what you said, right, and I get it, but
Speaker 1: I was like hell now, but I also felt like
Speaker 1: but I also felt like it puts you in a
Speaker 1: in a horrible light because now you have a team
Speaker 1: of ballplayers sitting behind a computer and you're in boxing him.
Speaker 1: It's gonna make you look bad and make you look thirsty.
Speaker 1: And my thing is the same way you said that
Speaker 1: these women who inbox me look thirsty. I don't want
Speaker 1: my girlfriend looking thirsty because they don't care about your intent.
Speaker 1: And we talked about toxicity. The intent of what you
Speaker 1: do doesn't change the impact it is. What it is,
Speaker 1: is that what y'all did back in the day, like
Speaker 1: you and your your football absolutely y'all sat behind somebody's
Speaker 1: laptop of the team y'all looking at who was Let
Speaker 1: me tell you something right now, because I'm just like
Speaker 1: where to say you've painted this picture now where I'm
Speaker 1: the lonely girl behind my laptop, but he's a gang
Speaker 1: of dudes behind him checking out his in box. Nobody
Speaker 1: said you was a lonely girl, because you use fine
Speaker 1: as hell. You wasn't lonely. I was there lonely in
Speaker 1: the moment when I sent the message you're talking about,
Speaker 1: you're sending it to an athlete who was part of
Speaker 1: a team. Like, this is what we do. We sit
Speaker 1: in the locker room. Yo, you got an inbox from who?
Speaker 1: And if it's the pretty girl on campus, everybody wants
Speaker 1: to see what she said. That's what dudes do, the
Speaker 1: same way. You got your girls, your girls squad. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. If a guy that y'all are
Speaker 1: interested in sends you an inbox, what you're gonna do?
Speaker 1: I'm showing on my home girls. Right, So this is
Speaker 1: my thing. Right, I operate from a place of rationale. Okay,
Speaker 1: if you say to me you don't want something to
Speaker 1: be done to you, you should not do the same
Speaker 1: thing to somebody else necessarily, So not necessarily. This is
Speaker 1: what I go through. So that was we were. I
Speaker 1: was twenty when it happened. That was twenty when that happened.
Speaker 1: We were going through that, right, So let's go to
Speaker 1: the next step. Okay, this is when I was in
Speaker 1: the NFL, Right, anytime I went out with my friends,
Speaker 1: it was a problem. Case in point, when I was
Speaker 1: playing ball, you and your home girls went out, y'alln't
Speaker 1: had drinks, y'all went and played spades. I never had
Speaker 1: a problem with you going on. Let me finish my story.
Speaker 1: Let me make sure, because I'm not telling no lines.
Speaker 1: Two thousand and seven. A go ahead, y'all went out,
Speaker 1: y'all was having drinks. You'a will go play spades at
Speaker 1: dudes basement? Right, y'all go play base. Maybe that wasn't
Speaker 1: nobody basement, but who's so where were you all playing
Speaker 1: spades that day? It was in the living room. Wasn't
Speaker 1: a basis? Okay, it don't matter to me where I
Speaker 1: was playing space? Right? I come back. I got all
Speaker 1: my friends, and we had our female friends that we
Speaker 1: hang out with. But every time I went to go out,
Speaker 1: oh you're going out with your little friends. Your little
Speaker 1: friends out, you have to give them the context of
Speaker 1: what was happening. So at this time in our life,
Speaker 1: I was at grad school, still in New York. You
Speaker 1: were away in Michigan. The reason I was hanging out
Speaker 1: was because I knew I had no boyfriend. This was
Speaker 1: our first time being away from each other grad school
Speaker 1: was stressful. I couldn't be there in Michigan with you,
Speaker 1: So my way of passing time was literally to be out,
Speaker 1: Like if the weekends could fly with no women, you
Speaker 1: could hang out with you hang out and hang out
Speaker 1: with people with penises. Huh, that's what you had to
Speaker 1: hang out with. It shut up. So we went out. Yes,
Speaker 1: we did go out. We went to different lounges, we
Speaker 1: went to different clubs. But it's the justification because but
Speaker 1: on the flip side, so the reason for being out
Speaker 1: like that which we spoke about, the reason for being
Speaker 1: out was because that was my way of dealing in
Speaker 1: coping with you not being there. I try to keep
Speaker 1: myself busy because if I was just sitting in my
Speaker 1: room soaking in my sorrows out of felt worse about
Speaker 1: not having you. Right. So when you, in turn, came
Speaker 1: home after the season was over and you came back
Speaker 1: to campus and you were pretty much living with me
Speaker 1: on campus, I wasn't going out no more because I'm like,
Speaker 1: I have my husband, not your boyfriend. Well, you still
Speaker 1: went out. I still went out because your Thursday and Fridays,
Speaker 1: I still went out because you were out and you
Speaker 1: hung out with these gentlemen and friend as well. Right,
Speaker 1: I did hang out with them, but at that time
Speaker 1: I was expecting you to come home to be with me,
Speaker 1: but you wanted to go out now because you felt
Speaker 1: like it was yet little friends, a freshman friends. That's
Speaker 1: all it comes down. They weren't all of them as well.
Speaker 1: One more year of experience. Great. The point is. The
Speaker 1: point is when we were growing up and we were
Speaker 1: learning each other. Any time I went out with members
Speaker 1: of the opposite sex, she had an issue with it.
Speaker 1: She found the reason why. When she did it, it
Speaker 1: was perfectly fine, but when I did it, it was
Speaker 1: a problem. And you explained what that just to get
Speaker 1: back at me. That's what That was the reason why
Speaker 1: you were doing it. You with theos. You really want
Speaker 1: to be with me, but you like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I have a point to proof because Kay was hanging out.
Speaker 1: Let me explain something seeing you, Okay, I was trying
Speaker 1: to cope with the fact. Then I came back and
Speaker 1: I needed to hang out with my friends. Shut up,
Speaker 1: that's what you just said. You had to cope, so
Speaker 1: you had to hang out with your friends. See what
Speaker 1: you're doing though, you exactly, and you were exactly doing
Speaker 1: what you felt like you needed to do to get
Speaker 1: back at me because you were we were salty, and
Speaker 1: you were better and you were upset about the fact
Speaker 1: that I was hanging out with guys and girls while
Speaker 1: you were away, so you felt like, this is your
Speaker 1: time to come home, be in my face with it.
Speaker 1: If that's how you that's what it was that you
Speaker 1: want to take it, you can take That's what it is.
Speaker 1: Anybody taking it over With my point, women always feel
Speaker 1: like they're in control of everything, right. Women always feel
Speaker 1: like that. It's like, you know this is and I'll
Speaker 1: do this too. That's just the bro. That's the bro.
Speaker 1: That's the bro. But then when your guy mess up,
Speaker 1: then you gotta show you girl crying on his shoulder.
Speaker 1: You cry on his shoulder, and the next time you
Speaker 1: cry on his chest, and the next time you're crying
Speaker 1: on they lep. Then before you know, he's dicking your mouth.
Speaker 1: That's just what happens. You know how I know because
Speaker 1: I have friends who are single who are the bro
Speaker 1: to other people's girls who have boyfriends, and you know
Speaker 1: what happens they boyfriend's mess up. You know he ain't
Speaker 1: to eat me out in two weeks and it's come in, baby,
Speaker 1: come and come come in. Bro, come here, assist, Come here, assist.
Speaker 1: Crying on my shoulder, sists crying on my chest. Sis.
Speaker 1: Shame on your friends, have shame on your friend, for
Speaker 1: your friends or whoever these friends you are that then
Speaker 1: we're not being the strong friend that she may have needed,
Speaker 1: and then allowed that to go down. She don't want
Speaker 1: with the boyfriends. This is what in a honerable state,
Speaker 1: they took advantage of the vulnerable state she was in,
Speaker 1: and that's not fair. So, you guys, there's nothing I say,
Speaker 1: k is gonna find a way to justify women's behavior.
Speaker 1: I'm not because there are some trifling women out there.
Speaker 1: There are, There absolutely are. So it's a case by
Speaker 1: case scenario, which everything is, however, So I'm just saying personally,
Speaker 1: I believe that women have control over those types of situations.
Speaker 1: I agree with that in some cases. I'm not going
Speaker 1: to give you the exception and try to make it
Speaker 1: the rule. I've already said so many times that men
Speaker 1: need sex, So I get it. If you have an
Speaker 1: attractive woman and she comes on to a man, it
Speaker 1: is a lot harder for a man sometimes to say no, right,
Speaker 1: But this is my point, and this is where it's
Speaker 1: going to take me to where we are now. There
Speaker 1: came a point in our relationship where Codeine had told
Speaker 1: me she forbid me to talk to somebody. Yes, forbid me,
Speaker 1: and that was probably the worst thing she could ever
Speaker 1: do in her life, because I do not like to
Speaker 1: be put in the box. Ever since I was a kid,
Speaker 1: my parents could tell me, Devout, do not do this.
Speaker 1: I'm going to find a way to do it. It
Speaker 1: could be to my detriment, but I just have to
Speaker 1: do it because I don't like being put in the box.
Speaker 1: That's because I have about two or three kids that
Speaker 1: are the same way, and I already know that I'm
Speaker 1: going to have to deal with the same thing with them.
Speaker 1: And the funny thing is, even though I don't like
Speaker 1: being put in the box, I don't even want to
Speaker 1: put you in the box. Well, it's it's funny because
Speaker 1: in that scenario that you were talking about, where I
Speaker 1: was pretty much just like Devout, I don't want you
Speaker 1: to be friends with this person anymore. I pretty much
Speaker 1: forbid you to see you can say pretty much you
Speaker 1: said I forbid, and I bust out laughing, and I
Speaker 1: was like, you forbid me? What I mean old English times?
Speaker 1: Now I forbid thee to speak to the like. I
Speaker 1: was like, what, I don't did I really forbid? You said?
Speaker 1: You said forbid, and I was like, I don't know
Speaker 1: where this is coming from, right, but you knew it
Speaker 1: was coming from You know. My reasons for wanting you
Speaker 1: not to continue to speak with this person because I
Speaker 1: felt like this person was becoming more than a French devot,
Speaker 1: and not in a physical way, but for me being
Speaker 1: his woman at the time, I felt as though this
Speaker 1: person was now developing an emotional connection to Devot that
Speaker 1: I did not appreciate, and that was more harmful for me.
Speaker 1: I felt could have been more of a detriment to
Speaker 1: us in our relationship versus a physical thing, and that
Speaker 1: was my issue with that. So yes, I might have
Speaker 1: told about that I forbid forbid him to speak to
Speaker 1: this person and in doing that, he proceeded to speak
Speaker 1: to this person even more because, like you said, Rifling,
Speaker 1: it's not it's just as my personality, You've got to
Speaker 1: take the good with the bad, Like I'm not going
Speaker 1: to be forbid to do anything when when we were
Speaker 1: going through our situations and and this is for you
Speaker 1: guys to know. There were times when I did things
Speaker 1: that across the line. There were times you did things
Speaker 1: across the line. At no point there at no point
Speaker 1: when you cross the line did I ever say I
Speaker 1: forbid the to do anything. I always said to you,
Speaker 1: Do you feel like that's something you need to do?
Speaker 1: Do you feel like that's something you want to do?
Speaker 1: Make a choice and let me know. Am my line exactly,
Speaker 1: And what I'm talking, like, what I'm saying is is
Speaker 1: that I choose to live my life that way. So
Speaker 1: I don't try to put you on different standards that
Speaker 1: I live my life. But that's something that I had
Speaker 1: to learn because I didn't necessarily operate that right right,
Speaker 1: you know. And that was an issue for Deval and
Speaker 1: I because he's just like, well, I wouldn't have done
Speaker 1: it this way. And not just with this scenario. We
Speaker 1: have tons of different scenarios where it's like, well, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't have handled it this way when it comes to parenting,
Speaker 1: when it comes to you know, anything, I wouldn't have
Speaker 1: handled it that way. And I'm like Devout, well, just
Speaker 1: because you didn't handle it that way, it didn't mean
Speaker 1: that the way I did it was wrong. It's just
Speaker 1: a different route. I agree. So now when it comes
Speaker 1: to Devout and things, you know, I'm like, Devot, please
Speaker 1: don't take out the garbage. Please leave the garbage right there, Devot?
Speaker 1: And what does the vou do? Take out the motherfu garbage?
Speaker 1: So we good? Now I know what I gotta do.
Speaker 1: It's like reverse psychology for this guy here, because I've
Speaker 1: learned with this whole boundary word and the whole forbidding situation,
Speaker 1: that Devot is gonna want to do the opposite of
Speaker 1: what you tell him. But I mean, it's it's a
Speaker 1: little bit more deeper than that, especially when you're talking
Speaker 1: about members of the opposite sex and friendships, right, because
Speaker 1: a lot of what I learned about women I learned
Speaker 1: from women, right from friends. Because there's nothing a man
Speaker 1: can tell me about my wife. I'm sorry, I just
Speaker 1: like there's certain things, there's certain uh intricacy, these and
Speaker 1: nuances of being a woman that only a woman can explain.
Speaker 1: So for me having the ability to reach out across
Speaker 1: the aisle and talk to a woman that's not my
Speaker 1: mom or your mom or your sister or my sister
Speaker 1: or your friend. I need that because I need someone
Speaker 1: that's going to be objective, objective sometimes you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, soliciting conversation or help or advice or just
Speaker 1: the lending ear of a female who is detached from
Speaker 1: your relationship. Because for me, when you put boundaries on people,
Speaker 1: right and you say you can't speak to this person
Speaker 1: or you can't do this because we're in a relationship,
Speaker 1: all that does is limit you as a person. Like
Speaker 1: what if this person works in the same field as
Speaker 1: I do and we have to work together. What if
Speaker 1: this person could help advance us as a family because
Speaker 1: they provide something that we could use. For me to
Speaker 1: just cut off half of the human species because they
Speaker 1: have breasts and vaginas is just stupid. Might I add
Speaker 1: that the woman I forbad him to talk to, or
Speaker 1: forbid it was forbid, forbad him, forbade him to speak to.
Speaker 1: The one I forbade you to speak to was exactly
Speaker 1: devoced type. That's not exactly, that's not like total beautiful
Speaker 1: to say, so great as you were just having just
Speaker 1: strictly conversations about well, as a woman, I don't necessarily
Speaker 1: need another woman to know what my issues are. That
Speaker 1: was my thing. This is the thing too though. You
Speaker 1: never want to have somebody to have something, to be
Speaker 1: able to hold something against you. In my defense, though,
Speaker 1: you only got defensive when you felt the woman was
Speaker 1: a threat. I have female friends all the time. If
Speaker 1: you didn't feel like she was a threat, you didn't
Speaker 1: have an issue with me talking to them. You can't
Speaker 1: then choose who I speak to his friendship based on
Speaker 1: near looks. First of all, this was someone new too,
Speaker 1: like you've had female friends over the years as well too,
Speaker 1: that I understand that this was someone new. But what
Speaker 1: I'm saying is is over the course of history new friends,
Speaker 1: over the course of history new friends. You were very
Speaker 1: selective with who you decided I couldn't be friends with,
Speaker 1: and it just so happens that most of them were
Speaker 1: attractive women. You had issues with women who are attractive
Speaker 1: who are around me often if if it was a
Speaker 1: woman that you didn't think was attractive, you never had
Speaker 1: no problems with it, which is problem which is of
Speaker 1: women in relationships with men. Back in college days, for sure, Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: and there was insecurities that came with that. I was
Speaker 1: still learning myself. I was insecure about things, you know,
Speaker 1: with my body, with everything, you know, still trying to
Speaker 1: learn who I was. So yeah, at that time, I
Speaker 1: didn't have those insecurities, for sure. I didn't have those
Speaker 1: insecurities because I felt like, if you were going to
Speaker 1: make a choice to be with me, regardless of whether
Speaker 1: I forbid you or I blocked you from being friends
Speaker 1: with this person or liking this person's picture, or regardless,
Speaker 1: if you chose not to be with me, you're gonna
Speaker 1: find a way not to be with me. And if
Speaker 1: you chose to be with me, you were going to
Speaker 1: be with me worried about that. That's a very logical approach.
Speaker 1: But I didn't have that logic at the time. And
Speaker 1: I'll admit that I didn't have that logic. And and
Speaker 1: there lies the problem, which is why you know we're
Speaker 1: even having this conversation. Yeah, sorry, go ahead. So we're
Speaker 1: having this conversation because I get this all the time.
Speaker 1: I'm married. My husband got friends, you know, at work.
Speaker 1: I don't want him to have no female friends at work.
Speaker 1: What should I do? You can't tell that man not
Speaker 1: to talk to no women. What if its supervised as
Speaker 1: a woman. What if this boss is a woman, what
Speaker 1: if the person hr The thing about life is that
Speaker 1: it's not about what you know, it's about who you know.
Speaker 1: You have to create relationships in life and who knows
Speaker 1: you right absolutely and who knows you you have to
Speaker 1: create relationships. If you choose to cut off half of
Speaker 1: the relationships in your life because there are members of
Speaker 1: the opposite sex, because your loved one or the person
Speaker 1: that you're in a relationship feels uncomfortable, you're setting yourself
Speaker 1: up for failure. So then where does the word boundary
Speaker 1: come in? Like, is there a certain boundary that you
Speaker 1: believe should be set up? I know you don't believe
Speaker 1: in boundaries, don't. Like with you and I are within
Speaker 1: our relationship, we don't have boundaries for each other. We
Speaker 1: do not have. But I've heard the word boundaries before.
Speaker 1: You know. That's the topic today. We're talking about boundaries
Speaker 1: and what a boundary is? Um So, how do you
Speaker 1: establish that? Is there a need for boundaries? So so
Speaker 1: is that unique to just a relationship thing? Or do
Speaker 1: you just feel like those boundaries should go out the window.
Speaker 1: Now No, I don't feel all boundaries should go out
Speaker 1: the window. But what I'll say is this some of
Speaker 1: the bound injuries that I hear in speaking with men
Speaker 1: to me is just very archaic and very dumb. Right,
Speaker 1: So a couple of gentlemen told me I'm not allowed
Speaker 1: to like anybody's pictures on Instagram. I'm not allowed to
Speaker 1: look at women when they walk by. M hm. So
Speaker 1: I'm like, so you're just not allowed to live. You
Speaker 1: can be on Instagram and have an Instagram page, but
Speaker 1: the one thing that you're supposed to do on Instagram,
Speaker 1: which is looking like pictures, you can't do. Why because
Speaker 1: my girl doesn't feel comfortable with me liking pictures. I
Speaker 1: can't speak to or have friends in my workplace that
Speaker 1: are women. And I'm like, are you serious. They're like,
Speaker 1: this is not possible. Anytime I have a female friend,
Speaker 1: my wife has a problem, my girlfriend has a problem.
Speaker 1: I wonder if there's a history there, like they've had
Speaker 1: issues in the past with women. Probably is a history.
Speaker 1: Sometimes even if it's not a history, she has her
Speaker 1: own history, which is why she put those boundaries. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna put something out here for for women
Speaker 1: to understand and men to understand. Right, it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: how many boundaries you put on a person. If that
Speaker 1: person wants to cheat on you, they're going to find
Speaker 1: a way. Well that's one thing I will period. So
Speaker 1: for me, what's the point of putting boundaries? Someone has
Speaker 1: to make a choice to be here, right, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I think my issue with the word
Speaker 1: boundaries and where it comes from is that with boundaries,
Speaker 1: I feel like there is a choice taken away, and
Speaker 1: the choice is me deciding to do or not do
Speaker 1: whatever it is. And I just never like my choice
Speaker 1: to be taken away. And I think that's one thing
Speaker 1: you and I both agree on is that even when
Speaker 1: it came time for difficult conversations to be had, when
Speaker 1: it came time for you know, we're on the brink
Speaker 1: of we don't know if we want to do this anymore.
Speaker 1: And it's just like, I don't know. The reason that
Speaker 1: we chose to be transparent with each other, the reason
Speaker 1: that we chose to be honest with each other and
Speaker 1: come clean about things we've had to complain about, was
Speaker 1: because then it was even playing field for the other
Speaker 1: person to decide to be here. And when there's the
Speaker 1: deceit involved, then we lose that choice and I'm here
Speaker 1: on the false presentence and I don't like that, and
Speaker 1: we don't like that as a couple. So that's our
Speaker 1: thing with boundaries, why we don't have them. But at
Speaker 1: the same time too, I feel as though a lot
Speaker 1: from the women's perspective, and this is what I've learned
Speaker 1: just from in talking to other women. Um, yes, we
Speaker 1: do have our own securities that make us feel like
Speaker 1: we can now impart those insecurities on the people around us.
Speaker 1: And is it right? No, it's not necessarily right. I
Speaker 1: can see how it can be stressful within a relationship because, um,
Speaker 1: I know somebody that like envy is the fact that
Speaker 1: you and I. For example, if we're walking down the
Speaker 1: street together and we see a girl with like a fatass,
Speaker 1: I'm like that, I'll tap you and I'll find it
Speaker 1: first and I'll let you know, yo, because I can
Speaker 1: appreciate the beauty and a woman you can as well.
Speaker 1: And that's just something that we're comfortable doing with each other.
Speaker 1: Or if I'm scrolling through I g and I see it, dude,
Speaker 1: that it's like man is and I DM you be like, yo,
Speaker 1: look at look at homeboys abs or whatever, and you follow.
Speaker 1: But that what that does is keep me on my
Speaker 1: toes though, because I feel like if I know what
Speaker 1: attracts my woman, right and I know that this is
Speaker 1: what my woman likes, I want to be the best
Speaker 1: version of myself and if I could be close to
Speaker 1: what she likes, I know that it can work for
Speaker 1: me and you as well. You understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: It just the same thing goes for me just following
Speaker 1: women who are in fitness and all that good stuff.
Speaker 1: It's like, you know, I want to be able to know, like, Okay,
Speaker 1: devout likes x y Z and I want to stay fit.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I use that as motivation, not even have anything
Speaker 1: to do with you, per se, but it's motivation for
Speaker 1: me to be like, you know what, I can look
Speaker 1: like this as well too. And I don't think it's
Speaker 1: being superficial. I just think it's being like, you know what,
Speaker 1: let me just stay on my toes for my man
Speaker 1: and I can appreciate the beauty and another woman and
Speaker 1: that's just the relationship we have. We're comfortable with that,
Speaker 1: but some people just aren't comfortable with that. And the
Speaker 1: thing is, I get that, and I know a lot
Speaker 1: of people are gonna ask, how did you get to
Speaker 1: the point of no boundaries and what does no boundaries mean?
Speaker 1: And how does it help your relationship? So let me
Speaker 1: uh divoge this information. I feel like Codeine and I
Speaker 1: reached a point where when and I'm I, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm petty. I see it all the time. I'm mad petty.
Speaker 1: So when Codeine was trying to put boundaries on me,
Speaker 1: I was like, fine, if if you can't do it,
Speaker 1: then you can't do this. And then Conine was like okay,
Speaker 1: and I was like, ship, that's not working because that's
Speaker 1: not what I wanted to happen. I wanted her to
Speaker 1: argue with me that she didn't want to do it,
Speaker 1: but she didn't want to argue. But then I realized
Speaker 1: it didn't make me happy to try to put boundaries
Speaker 1: on her. What the first thing I noticed about being
Speaker 1: in a relationship and making it work with no boundaries
Speaker 1: is that you have to find someone who's making a
Speaker 1: choice to be with you unconditionally. And what does that
Speaker 1: mean That person is waking up and saying I want
Speaker 1: to be with de Vow because the val is Devout,
Speaker 1: not I want to be with Devout because he provides
Speaker 1: this or because he tells me I can't have this no,
Speaker 1: I want to be with Devout just because de Val
Speaker 1: is Devout. When you find some one who was just
Speaker 1: into being with you unconditionally, you can then start to
Speaker 1: begin to live a life of no boundaries. Now that
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that things aren't gonna happen. It's gonna make
Speaker 1: you feel away, because sometimes things happen with Codeine and
Speaker 1: I and I say hey, I felt a little uncomfortable
Speaker 1: with that, you know, and then once that happens, you
Speaker 1: have to sit down and have a conversation about how
Speaker 1: that made you feel. Perfect example about boundaries and no boundaries.
Speaker 1: When we met, Codein says she wanted to get into
Speaker 1: broadcast journalism. She says she never wanted to be an actress. Right,
Speaker 1: I told her, my life goal is to be a
Speaker 1: sex symbol. I want to be Will Smith, but bigger.
Speaker 1: I want to be bigger than the Rock. I want
Speaker 1: to be running down the street with my my shirt
Speaker 1: open with a gun in my hand. Like that's just
Speaker 1: always what I wanted to do. Right, So she knew
Speaker 1: what that entails. That means, yeah, maybe in sex scenes
Speaker 1: and maybe in this and maybe that that's what it was.
Speaker 1: I told her from the beginning, I just didn't. I
Speaker 1: never wanted to date an actress because at the time,
Speaker 1: the way they objectified women's bodies in Hollywood, I was
Speaker 1: worried about how my my wife would be portrayed if
Speaker 1: she was a sex symbol or a female sex symbol.
Speaker 1: So when Codeine and I got married and then she
Speaker 1: decided she wanted to get into TV film, I was like,
Speaker 1: and then, know you wanted to be an actress and
Speaker 1: I was like he literally literally said, I did not
Speaker 1: sign up for that. That's exactly what I said. And
Speaker 1: I was like, well, dude, you know I always it
Speaker 1: on camera work. You thought it was strictly going to
Speaker 1: be broadcasting. But as we started to like auditions for
Speaker 1: commercials and stuff together, I was like, wow, I actually
Speaker 1: really do like the performance side of things. And I
Speaker 1: went to grad school for performance studies. So that's where
Speaker 1: I started doing more performance and acting related things. Right,
Speaker 1: and for me at that point in our marriage, it
Speaker 1: was like we had just had Jackson. Um, this was no,
Speaker 1: this was Jackson was four. We're going off the Terio's commercial.
Speaker 1: Jackson was forced is about four years ago. I had
Speaker 1: thought I was going to put up a boundary and
Speaker 1: say listen, I don't if you're gonna get into Hollywood
Speaker 1: and TV film, then I don't know if this is
Speaker 1: gonna work. And to me, I felt like that was
Speaker 1: a boundary I was gonna put up, absolutely, So then
Speaker 1: we spoke about it and I was just like, this
Speaker 1: doesn't feel good with me trying to put up a
Speaker 1: boundary saying you can't do TV film or we can't
Speaker 1: be married. It just felt so wrong for me, like
Speaker 1: and realistically it had nothing to do with her. I
Speaker 1: didn't feel like I was taking anything away from her.
Speaker 1: I just felt wrong putting up a boundary for someone else.
Speaker 1: So I was like, let's sit down and figure out
Speaker 1: how we can make this work. What are you willing
Speaker 1: to do, What are you not willing to do? What
Speaker 1: am I willing to do? What am I not willing
Speaker 1: to do as an actor? And her as an actor,
Speaker 1: and let's sit down and figure out what makes us
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable. And that was like literally a very real
Speaker 1: conversation that we had in that moment, and I appreciated
Speaker 1: that after the fact because it also made me really
Speaker 1: sit on and think, is this something that I want
Speaker 1: to do? Because you know, do you think about oh right,
Speaker 1: I could just do things on television, and I could
Speaker 1: be on television, but there's so many different areas of it.
Speaker 1: There's commercial acting, there's you know, doing film and television shows,
Speaker 1: and you know, I started to get away from the
Speaker 1: broadcasting side of things and doing hard news because I
Speaker 1: felt like I wouldn't be able to use much of
Speaker 1: my personality with that. You know, with hard newds, you
Speaker 1: just deliver the news and you don't give any kind
Speaker 1: of opinion. It's just very kind of straightforward. You can
Speaker 1: use your creative oh you can't use your creative freedom.
Speaker 1: So when I started doing more like hosting entertainment type stuff,
Speaker 1: I was like, this starts to feel better. And then
Speaker 1: with Devot auditioning not to even to even put it
Speaker 1: out their devot kind of inspired me as well, looking
Speaker 1: at his journey starting to do things like that, having
Speaker 1: to You're welcome and being his reader whenever he had
Speaker 1: to do self tape auditions and reading with him, and
Speaker 1: I was just like wow, getting into scenes with him,
Speaker 1: this is something that kind of inspired me as well.
Speaker 1: So we had a very real conversation because it also
Speaker 1: made me feel like, Okay, we're gonna have this conversation.
Speaker 1: We're gonna have the the understanding of what both of
Speaker 1: us want to do. But it also made me as
Speaker 1: an actor feel like, Okay, I should really consider and
Speaker 1: think about the things that I want to do and
Speaker 1: not do, or things I'm willing to do and won't do.
Speaker 1: You know, people recently have asked about Devot having this
Speaker 1: new role in System on PA because he had sex
Speaker 1: scenes in it, And I think we're able to get
Speaker 1: through things like that because we had this conversation years ago. Um,
Speaker 1: we're also at a different point in life where we're
Speaker 1: older and we're more mature and sorry and just knowing
Speaker 1: the industry and knowing what goes into shooting a sex scene.
Speaker 1: It is the most unsexy thing ever. It is. There's
Speaker 1: no intimacy and sing. But I will say this though.
Speaker 1: It's also speaking up and Mr Perry saying listen, I
Speaker 1: know that you're married, you have children. This will be
Speaker 1: tasteful exactly. And that was important for me because if
Speaker 1: he knows where I stand, he knows who I am
Speaker 1: as a person, he knows that I can still be
Speaker 1: a sex symbol and I don't have to sell my
Speaker 1: body and being involved in that and then knowing Kadine,
Speaker 1: I'm saying, you know what, my wife can be a
Speaker 1: sex symbol and she doesn't have to sell her body
Speaker 1: to get across the fact that she's a mom and
Speaker 1: she's sexy and she's a woman. That's how it is. Like,
Speaker 1: there's a new project that's um in the works as
Speaker 1: well right now, and I, you know, showed some interest
Speaker 1: and potentially auditioning, and my agent was pretty much like, no, girl,
Speaker 1: this is not for you. She said, pretty much, this
Speaker 1: is like soft porn. Yeah, She's like, this is not
Speaker 1: gonna You're not gonna be comfortable with any of this.
Speaker 1: And that's because they know the boundaries and they understand
Speaker 1: what we're doing. And I didn't set these boundaries with
Speaker 1: the best thing about is that I didn't set these
Speaker 1: boundaries for Codein Codeine and I had a conversation she
Speaker 1: set the boundaries for herself because I said to her
Speaker 1: at one point she was you know, there were there
Speaker 1: was a showtime show that was interested in her for
Speaker 1: a lead lead role and she was the love interest
Speaker 1: to the main character and there were sex scenes involved.
Speaker 1: And she let me know what she would be interested
Speaker 1: in and what she wouldn't be interested in, and This
Speaker 1: was right before she had gotten pregnant with Kyro and Cass.
Speaker 1: So she set her own boundaries, and I felt comfortable
Speaker 1: with the boundary. She said, I didn't have to set
Speaker 1: no boundaries, and that leads me to having friends of
Speaker 1: the opposite sex. Right, So, once you've already established how
Speaker 1: the person that is gonna be with you was gonna
Speaker 1: be with you unconditionally, it's a lot easier when you're
Speaker 1: getting two matters of the opposite sex because I don't
Speaker 1: have to set boundaries on my wife, on my girlfriend,
Speaker 1: she'll set boundaries on herself that she knows what probably
Speaker 1: make me feel uncomfortable, and if something happens, I can
Speaker 1: say to her, this happened, and I feel a little
Speaker 1: bit uncomfortable. That is, what do you think about it?
Speaker 1: And then at that point, if she if I expressed
Speaker 1: her that I feel uncomfortable, it's on her to decide
Speaker 1: whether she wants to continue that behavior. If she decides
Speaker 1: she wants to continue that behavior even though what makes
Speaker 1: me uncomfortable, is then on me to decide if I
Speaker 1: want to continue to exist in this relationship. And that's
Speaker 1: what I mean about no boundaries. I allow people in
Speaker 1: my life to live the life freely because I can
Speaker 1: always remove myself. I can't then force myself on someone
Speaker 1: and say we're gonna be on this in this relationship
Speaker 1: and you're gonna follow my rules. That to me would
Speaker 1: never work, and it won't work either way. The same way,
Speaker 1: I don't want boundaries. I never want to put those
Speaker 1: boundaries on code because then I feel like I'm taking
Speaker 1: away her right to choose as a human how she
Speaker 1: wants to live her life. And it's worked for us. No,
Speaker 1: it definitely has worked for us. You know, sometimes talking
Speaker 1: about what you're willing and not willing to accept from
Speaker 1: your signals picking other um means that you have to
Speaker 1: have really our conversations. You know, it might be difficult,
Speaker 1: you know, it's difficult in the terms of like um
Speaker 1: in the short term you think of having that conversation,
Speaker 1: but then in the long run it's just so much
Speaker 1: worth so much more worth it. And that's something that
Speaker 1: we've really experienced firsthand. What are some scenarios that you
Speaker 1: can think of, Babe, that we have or maybe if
Speaker 1: we give people like a step by step to just
Speaker 1: having these conversations, it's very very simple, Like you look
Speaker 1: in my life now I'm on a TV show. I
Speaker 1: have a love interest that the show is called Sisters.
Speaker 1: These are four beautiful women for beautiful women that I'm
Speaker 1: around all the time, all the time. So in order
Speaker 1: to create a sense of comfort between my wife and
Speaker 1: these women, but also let her know that there's no
Speaker 1: boundaries and that she can feel comfortable within this space,
Speaker 1: the first thing I did was introduce my wife to
Speaker 1: these women. Right, so these are gonna be my friends,
Speaker 1: my co workers. The worst thing you can do is
Speaker 1: ice al the woman you love from the friends that
Speaker 1: are female in your life. That's the worst thing you
Speaker 1: can do. That's is my wife, I want to keep
Speaker 1: her away from my friends. If these are yours trying
Speaker 1: to keep works strictly separate from it's there's to me
Speaker 1: that causes an issue because then it's like, well, why
Speaker 1: are you keeping a separate If these women are going
Speaker 1: to be a part of your life and I'm your
Speaker 1: life partner, we should all exist together. So what I
Speaker 1: do deliberately outside of just having the conversation is if
Speaker 1: I have any female friends, they know my wife. My
Speaker 1: wife knows them period. The worst thing is when you
Speaker 1: hear anything that you don't know and you'd be like, well, right,
Speaker 1: because then you start to wonder, like why you know
Speaker 1: why it is just kept from me? Right? So then
Speaker 1: on top of that, I allow my not allow, because
Speaker 1: I even hate that word, like I allow my wife.
Speaker 1: I include my wife and the decisions that I make
Speaker 1: with my female friends. For example, when we first went
Speaker 1: to Atlanta, Ebony had an issue with her apartment. Yes alright,
Speaker 1: Ebeny is DeVos love interest. She plays Karen. Yes yes,
Speaker 1: And Ebony called me she had issue with her apartment
Speaker 1: and she needed to get picked up. I picked her up.
Speaker 1: At the time, I had two bedrooms, two bathrooms in
Speaker 1: the apartment. The first thing I did was say, kay,
Speaker 1: Eany's having an issue apartment. I'm gonna running pick her up.
Speaker 1: Emmany is from New York. I run pick Ebany up.
Speaker 1: I called Kay. I'm like, you know, Ebeny was you know, hey,
Speaker 1: you have a wife. I'll get a hotel. I said,
Speaker 1: give me a second. First of all, it's twelve pm,
Speaker 1: I mean twelve am, right. Let me call k let
Speaker 1: her know what's going on. If she feels comfortable, then
Speaker 1: you can just stay here for the night. I called k.
Speaker 1: K was like, yeah, I'm not worried about it. But
Speaker 1: that's just an example of how being upfront and transparent
Speaker 1: with the situation allows people to move without there being
Speaker 1: any issues. And guys, I was not always this mature, okay,
Speaker 1: because Cadine back in two thousand forward to be like,
Speaker 1: you want your little friend to stay with you with
Speaker 1: your too better apartment? Are you serious? And then you
Speaker 1: would said, you would have said okay, then you would
Speaker 1: have got on a plane, and then you would have
Speaker 1: tried to catch us doing something that we weren't doing.
Speaker 1: And you look crazy as hell when you busting the
Speaker 1: door and she was sleeping on one side of the
Speaker 1: apartment and I was sleeping on the other side of apartment,
Speaker 1: because that's what people do. That's the crazy people. It's
Speaker 1: been like a setup, like, yeah, go ahead, let's say that.
Speaker 1: Let's say that. And it wouldn't have just been it
Speaker 1: had been you, and it had been Sophia, and it
Speaker 1: had been Sharife you share, everybody really up, and I'd
Speaker 1: have been like, so old father, y'all got on the planet.
Speaker 1: You're you bought it on my credit card and you
Speaker 1: on the door. But no, honestly though, and and and
Speaker 1: to be up. But that's a very good situation a
Speaker 1: scenario because you figure here you are a married man.
Speaker 1: I'm your wife, Ebony. I've known just because you've worked
Speaker 1: on a patch project with Love together. Shout out to Love. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know of her, I don't know her well enough
Speaker 1: to say, you know, okay, I'm comfortable per se, but
Speaker 1: understanding being a woman. Knowing this after midnight, you guys
Speaker 1: are working together, I wanted to be less stressful for
Speaker 1: you as well. I know that you are have a
Speaker 1: huge heart and you're gonna try to help somebody as
Speaker 1: much as you can. So I was just like, all right, cool,
Speaker 1: I'm fine with it. And then she had ended up
Speaker 1: staying with you for like, what was it, a week
Speaker 1: or two until she found another place in the airbnb
Speaker 1: spot and it was cool and she was very respectful
Speaker 1: to because she was very very respectful. And the thing is,
Speaker 1: it's also known in your partner, Like, if you know
Speaker 1: your partner, you know you have nothing to worry about.
Speaker 1: And that's part of that. If you know your partner,
Speaker 1: you know you're something to worry about, right, And you said,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm not comfortable with that. You know, if
Speaker 1: you if you know your partner, You're not not comfortable
Speaker 1: with that. For me, I'm at the point in my life,
Speaker 1: especially with Codeine, and and to be honest, I was
Speaker 1: always at this point, and Codeine says that she don't
Speaker 1: know how I was here. I was never a phone checker,
Speaker 1: I was never an email checker. I was never a
Speaker 1: person that ran behind Cone because I've always felt like
Speaker 1: Codeine is going to do what Codeine wants to do.
Speaker 1: And also, women are way better at hiding information than men,
Speaker 1: because y'all knowsy okay, And since y'all nosy, y'all know
Speaker 1: how to get to get information, you know how to
Speaker 1: get information, you know how to hide it from you.
Speaker 1: I have certain people that will be able to dig
Speaker 1: all the info up just through scrolling through a couple
Speaker 1: of Instagram pages and Google. If y'all really wanted to
Speaker 1: secure cancer, women could cure cancer, right, y'all. Figure, that's
Speaker 1: what I call Okay Doherty explorer because she's always been
Speaker 1: this type of person to know everything. I'm just not
Speaker 1: like that. I don't. I don't want to snoop. And
Speaker 1: even people ask me, now, do you think they ever
Speaker 1: cheating on you physically? I said, I don't know. It's like,
Speaker 1: what you mean, you don't know? I don't know. Why
Speaker 1: don't you know? Because I never investigated to find out,
Speaker 1: and I don't want to know. Whatever happened in the
Speaker 1: past happened in the past. We are where we are now.
Speaker 1: We're in a really good space. I'm not going to
Speaker 1: continue to look for things because if you look for things,
Speaker 1: you'll find them, And to be honest, I feel like
Speaker 1: that's just exhausting as a person. No, it is. I mean,
Speaker 1: I will admit back in the day I did go
Speaker 1: through the vose phone. I had my moments when I
Speaker 1: was just being nosy literally, and it wasn't even necessarily
Speaker 1: any one thing that sparked me to do that. I
Speaker 1: didn't feel a kind of way about it. It's just
Speaker 1: I was just being nosy. To be honest, Yeah, what
Speaker 1: happened in our relationship that made you evolve from being
Speaker 1: nosy being in my phone to now being like, I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna have no boundaries for DEVO, do what you
Speaker 1: want to do. Let's see how this goes. Kids and
Speaker 1: time literally having children and not having enough time like
Speaker 1: I honestly have come to the point where I feel
Speaker 1: like if I had the time that I take to
Speaker 1: invest in looking through your phone, looking through emails, trying
Speaker 1: to connect dots all that. If I invested that time
Speaker 1: and something for myself or for my children, or trying
Speaker 1: to advance my career, or to working out or doing
Speaker 1: something more productive with my day, I think I'm mature
Speaker 1: enough in my life where I could feel like this
Speaker 1: is count to productive. It's kind of like negative comments,
Speaker 1: like people who take the time to create like you know,
Speaker 1: bogus names online and troll people and negative comments. If
Speaker 1: you invested the time that you've taken to create such
Speaker 1: negativity or to just be so idle, if you took
Speaker 1: that time to invest in yourself, imagine how much farther
Speaker 1: along you'd be. And I think that that was my
Speaker 1: turning point. I really felt like this was counterproductive. I'm
Speaker 1: not getting anywhere with this. This is just creating a
Speaker 1: negative space in a negative environment, and this energy is
Speaker 1: doing nothing for me. Is that doing nothing for us?
Speaker 1: I imagine me sitting here going through your email with
Speaker 1: my children just kind of like hanging around, you know,
Speaker 1: not really doing anything, when I could be sitting down
Speaker 1: and like really engaging with them and having quality time
Speaker 1: moments that was the turning point for me. I understand that.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's that's that's fair, and it makes a
Speaker 1: lot of sense. But you know what's funny though, right
Speaker 1: when you mentioned all the things you could invest in,
Speaker 1: you didn't mention investing in me. You said yourself, you
Speaker 1: said your career, you said to a kid, you didn't
Speaker 1: see me. You know that's an issue for me, right,
Speaker 1: I know, I know you know that's an issue for
Speaker 1: It goes without saying like, I don't know, I don't
Speaker 1: know that this is. This is something that men and
Speaker 1: women don't realize we do. And I think part of
Speaker 1: it has to be chemical because as a mom, you
Speaker 1: have way more responsibility. So I feel like once you
Speaker 1: have kids, you're focused then goes into them, which I
Speaker 1: think is it's natural. Like part of the reason why
Speaker 1: I wanted to marry you is because I knew you
Speaker 1: would be a great mom. Right, But I do hear
Speaker 1: this a lot from men, is that my wife spends
Speaker 1: so much time taking care of herself, take care of
Speaker 1: for kids, to care everything else, that she forgets to
Speaker 1: take care of me. Right, Whereas men feel like I
Speaker 1: always have to make sure that I'm taking care of
Speaker 1: my wife to make sure that she's good. So I
Speaker 1: feel like a large part of women sometimes being insecure
Speaker 1: about other women. I think there's a subconscious dare that's like,
Speaker 1: she may know that she's not putting enough time and
Speaker 1: energy into her husband, so she don't want her husband
Speaker 1: to find that time somewhere else. And I think that
Speaker 1: that's deep because people don't ever want to say it,
Speaker 1: and they're worried about getting backlash for saying it, but
Speaker 1: it's the truth. So many husbands and so many men
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, my wife is great, my wife
Speaker 1: is she does everything, but I'm always last on the
Speaker 1: total poll. You know what? For me when I just
Speaker 1: listed like the things that I could be putting time into.
Speaker 1: The reason why I say myself so much is because
Speaker 1: I know that there were a lot of years that
Speaker 1: I was not well. This goes back to me and
Speaker 1: the feelings that I've had that I said before about inadequacy.
Speaker 1: So I feel as though there's been times that I
Speaker 1: have not been pulling my weight as much. Um times
Speaker 1: when I feel like I could have been like max
Speaker 1: and out my earning potential or just really like pounding
Speaker 1: the pavement to be able to pull and hold up
Speaker 1: to to my end of the bar, and when it
Speaker 1: comes to just being for the family, and there's a
Speaker 1: lot of times that I haven't done that I feel
Speaker 1: like I've fallen short, and that just maybe maybe me.
Speaker 1: I know that I contribute in other ways in terms
Speaker 1: of just like rearing the children and keeping house together
Speaker 1: and looking after things, but I know I'm very hard
Speaker 1: on myself and that I feel like there's moments where
Speaker 1: I've I've lacked in that department. So when I did
Speaker 1: say I have, I can be using that time to
Speaker 1: pour into myself. It's really just to make myself a
Speaker 1: better person, because I feel like you're such a great
Speaker 1: human being, and there's times where I felt like I've
Speaker 1: been faltering in comparison to what you've been able to provide.
Speaker 1: So do you feel like because you felt subconsciously that
Speaker 1: there was an insecurity that you weren't stacking up when
Speaker 1: other women came around, did you feel like I was
Speaker 1: trying to feel that void? And absolutely, I think that
Speaker 1: that's important to talk about because for me, I think
Speaker 1: it was the opposite part of the reason why I
Speaker 1: never worried about you cheating, whether it happened or not,
Speaker 1: was I always knew that I was pouring a thousand
Speaker 1: percent into my my woman. So for me, it was like,
Speaker 1: if I'm pouring into my woman, I'm not worried about
Speaker 1: going New World because I know what I'm doing. If
Speaker 1: I find out where it happens that she goes somewhere
Speaker 1: else than she wasn't the woman for me, and she
Speaker 1: just you know, she just didn't want to be here.
Speaker 1: So for me, I didn't have that insecurity to be
Speaker 1: worried about you with other dudes. You understand what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: And I feel like that's something that should be spoken
Speaker 1: about in relationships that people don't. Women have a lot
Speaker 1: to deal with all the time. I never and I
Speaker 1: just said, I made a post about this on Instagram.
Speaker 1: I in my life have never had to stop my
Speaker 1: career to have children. I never in my life had
Speaker 1: to stop my career or not just just gain weights
Speaker 1: to make sure that I could have kids. These are
Speaker 1: things that men never have to focus on. So because
Speaker 1: I never have to focus on that, I'm on autopilot
Speaker 1: when it comes to going to the gym. I'm on
Speaker 1: autopilot when it comes to work. Is I'm gonna autopilot
Speaker 1: with certain things. So since I'm on autopilot, I can
Speaker 1: really focus on making sure my wife is happy because
Speaker 1: these things that I've never had to reset, you as
Speaker 1: a woman, have had to reset because you had kids,
Speaker 1: And I get saying you know that leads me back
Speaker 1: to feeling like, damn insecurity. I'm just yeah, the insecurity
Speaker 1: is the inadequacy is like feeling like I can't match
Speaker 1: up or I can't keep up with you because you're
Speaker 1: always like go go, go, go go. And it's never
Speaker 1: me trying to discredit what you do as a provider
Speaker 1: or what you do um for you know, for the
Speaker 1: family or with your career, in the advancements you've made
Speaker 1: with your career, Like all of that I'm super happy about.
Speaker 1: And that's I feel like I'm able to hold down
Speaker 1: the four in a sense so that when you don't
Speaker 1: have to worry about that stuff on the back end.
Speaker 1: But in the same breath, I'm like the time, like
Speaker 1: I said that, I was spent just like doing negative ship,
Speaker 1: I could just be put back into myself and then
Speaker 1: being able to match up two questions, what you've been doing.
Speaker 1: Will you say that there was nothing that I could
Speaker 1: do to make your insecurities go away is something you
Speaker 1: had to discover on your own, that was told you
Speaker 1: self discovery. So then that's another reason for me to
Speaker 1: feel like there's no boundaries you should ever put on
Speaker 1: anything if there's nothing I can do to make you happy.
Speaker 1: And I made another Instagram at post about this. You
Speaker 1: can make a woman mad, it's easy to make a
Speaker 1: woman mad. You cannot make a woman happy unless she
Speaker 1: already has happiness within herself period period. And I feel
Speaker 1: like there's different pressures on women than they are on men,
Speaker 1: especially when it comes to beauty and looks and how
Speaker 1: you're supposed to keep it. There's definitely a different pressure
Speaker 1: there that I can understand why it's easy. It's a
Speaker 1: lot more easier for a woman to feel insecure with
Speaker 1: other women around. But what does help you know, in
Speaker 1: addition to all that, though it's not something that you
Speaker 1: can do for me, what's always made me feel a
Speaker 1: little bit more comfortable, whether it was mean while I
Speaker 1: was pregnant, post pregnancy, you always made me feel as
Speaker 1: if I was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Speaker 1: And those things, to me, you're just a little figure,
Speaker 1: But I like that. Yeah, But those little those little
Speaker 1: moments and those little times that you've taken to kind
Speaker 1: of reassure me that you were still in love with me,
Speaker 1: and whatever state I was in, it helped with the
Speaker 1: process of me you know, kind of kind of lessening
Speaker 1: the blow of those insecurities. But you know, until I
Speaker 1: was ready to see that for myself, it is no
Speaker 1: getting past that. You know, I'm saying absolutely. I mean,
Speaker 1: we covered some taboo topics this season, um, but when
Speaker 1: it really comes down to like boundaries, I think boundaries
Speaker 1: helps to set the tone, expectations, foundations for like what
Speaker 1: you and your partner are willing to work through together
Speaker 1: based on individual needs, like on the on the grand
Speaker 1: scheme of things, That's what the boundary is, right. You
Speaker 1: kind of set those out there so you know, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is something I will tolerate. I won't you know
Speaker 1: when you go from there. So boundaries are like budgets,
Speaker 1: but you hate budgets, right, Budgets are made to be broken,
Speaker 1: So boundaries are made to be broken. See what I'm
Speaker 1: saying that that's just for us though, or you know what,
Speaker 1: so the boundaries aren't broken, we just don't make them
Speaker 1: at all. How about that? How about that? How how
Speaker 1: women specifically k like to justify her behavior might just
Speaker 1: changing things around. You're good at moving the go post well.
Speaker 1: Through this discovery, you know what I realized, The only
Speaker 1: way you can exist in a relationship with no boundaries
Speaker 1: is if you unlock the happiness in yourself. That's period
Speaker 1: when it is down to once you've become so happy
Speaker 1: and so peaceful within yourself that you understand that the
Speaker 1: person that's with me is choosing me because of me.
Speaker 1: Until you find that, you will never be able to
Speaker 1: exist in a relationship. So true. I think about our relationship, yeah,
Speaker 1: and just our relationship, and just in terms of other
Speaker 1: people's relationships, friends who have access for advice or just
Speaker 1: come to us. I think everything at the root of
Speaker 1: it was either one person or both people not being
Speaker 1: happy with themselves. And that is so true. We'll ship man.
Speaker 1: That's a that's a lot to take in. We've also
Speaker 1: found some discovery while talking through this, but we'll be back.
Speaker 1: We actually have to take a quick break and move
Speaker 1: into some listener letters when we get back, but first
Speaker 1: we have to do some ads, so we'll be right back.
Speaker 1: This for the record, there it is. Tiger Woods is
Speaker 1: one of our most inspiring sports icons in his story.
Speaker 1: It comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry from
Speaker 1: my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the
Speaker 1: return to glory. This is All American, a new series
Speaker 1: from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realize Tiger
Speaker 1: Wis doesn't know who he is best in the history
Speaker 1: of GLF, no question in my mind. And this season,
Speaker 1: with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what
Speaker 1: if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has
Speaker 1: been telling, what if it's been completely wrong? All American
Speaker 1: Tiger is out now listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts or
Speaker 1: your favorite podcast app. Alright, we're back, and what we
Speaker 1: did we this time around for listening to is we
Speaker 1: actually pulled some scenarios from the letters that you guys
Speaker 1: have been sending in which we thank you so much
Speaker 1: for doing that. Your emails have been so loaded and
Speaker 1: so juicy with all the DEAs shut up. That being said,
Speaker 1: So that being said, yeah, we have some scenarios that
Speaker 1: we pulled from and we were going to try to
Speaker 1: hash them out and just give us give our you know,
Speaker 1: little viewpoints on these. So the first scenario is your
Speaker 1: spouse started a new job and sparked a friendship with
Speaker 1: someone of the opposite sex. You're starting to feel some
Speaker 1: type of way about it. How do you bring this
Speaker 1: up to your partner? Can your spouse be friends with
Speaker 1: someone of the opposite sex? What is a healthy boundary
Speaker 1: or expectation? What do some beliefs you hold about being
Speaker 1: friends with the opposite sex. I think we kind of
Speaker 1: spoke about this a little bit, did, but this is
Speaker 1: very common though. People meet friends of the opposite sex
Speaker 1: at work all the time. It's inevitable. It's inevitable. Ye,
Speaker 1: Like we gave the scenario about val work now with
Speaker 1: someone on camera. I think a healthy way to go
Speaker 1: about it and a respectful way to go upbout it.
Speaker 1: If I had an issue with it, um was making
Speaker 1: sure that my significant other No, okay, I see you
Speaker 1: getting a little chummy with this female on the job.
Speaker 1: You know, is it cool if we can all go
Speaker 1: out for drinks one day or you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Because this is someone that you know, you have your
Speaker 1: significant other has to work with, and there's no way
Speaker 1: around that. I believe in the person having a healthy
Speaker 1: work environment as well, and you can't create a toxic
Speaker 1: work environment for them, because hey, that's their job be
Speaker 1: this other person. The other coworker has no idea and
Speaker 1: should not be privy to what's going on in your
Speaker 1: relationship and your own insecurities. Insecurities because that in turn
Speaker 1: makes you look petty and super insecure. So having that
Speaker 1: conversation with your significant other saying hey, you know, I
Speaker 1: know you have to have this relationship at work. You know,
Speaker 1: I want you to be successful in your work environment.
Speaker 1: It's a cool if we all just hang out one day,
Speaker 1: or hey, let's just invite such and such over for drinks,
Speaker 1: your coworkers and making a thing where everyone can get
Speaker 1: to other, an environment where you can just chill, kick
Speaker 1: back and talk, just so the introduction is made and
Speaker 1: that way, in turn, she feels more comfortable with the
Speaker 1: coworker and her spouse or significant other. I agree, So
Speaker 1: pretty much what you're doing is you're making a safe
Speaker 1: space for all of y'all to be friends, which I
Speaker 1: agree with. And um, they asked what is a healthy
Speaker 1: boundary or expectation? A healthy boundary expectation is a friend
Speaker 1: of my spouse is going to be a friend of mine.
Speaker 1: So if there's a reason why you don't want your
Speaker 1: work wife or your real wife to be friends. Something
Speaker 1: seems a little odd, right, And it doesn't necessarily even
Speaker 1: have to be a chummy chummy like relationship with hanging
Speaker 1: out all the time, but for there to be a
Speaker 1: level of familiarity there um and then also there'll be
Speaker 1: a level of respect. I think that being upfront about
Speaker 1: that from jump transparency, it's just supers Yes, I think
Speaker 1: transparency expectations would be that if you guys are becoming friends,
Speaker 1: that they would be friends with your life partner as well.
Speaker 1: That's a healthy expectation, you know. Now, are you expected
Speaker 1: to every time y'all go to lunch to be FaceTime?
Speaker 1: Then no, I think that that's a little bit a
Speaker 1: little bit much. But it's like, hey, I know I'm
Speaker 1: aware of this person. It's not that big a deal.
Speaker 1: But like I said, if you know your partner and
Speaker 1: you know that they're making a choice to be with
Speaker 1: you every day, you really have nothing to worry about.
Speaker 1: And if you do have something to worry about, that's
Speaker 1: the conversation though, that that's something to do with y'all
Speaker 1: to right, and just don't make it a thing where
Speaker 1: you're now making it uncomfortable for the workspace that your
Speaker 1: significant is other in, and that coworker absolutely, because then
Speaker 1: that distracts on whatever they're supposed to be doing. Network anyway,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure you want your husband or your wife
Speaker 1: to be out there making the coins and bringing them home.
Speaker 1: Do not interfere with the bag being made. Scenario number two.
Speaker 1: For the past month, you've been looking after the kids,
Speaker 1: cooking dinner, and washing the dishes while your significant other
Speaker 1: relaxes and watches TV. You're getting tired of doing all
Speaker 1: the chores. How do you establish a new ground rule
Speaker 1: about splitting household responsibilities to the petty me would want
Speaker 1: to just sit back and not do any of it.
Speaker 1: So we're all just sitting there looking at each other,
Speaker 1: and after a while it's like, oh, these dishes isn't
Speaker 1: getting washed. I watched my parents do be starving, they
Speaker 1: don't work, Laundry is piling up, the kids look a
Speaker 1: mess at some point if somebody gonna but they don't work.
Speaker 1: I watched my parents do that. Really, you didn't tell
Speaker 1: me about a couple of times that happened. I tell
Speaker 1: you one time in particular, my father used to always
Speaker 1: do the laundry, and my mother never does laundry, and
Speaker 1: my father used to cook a lot. So after my
Speaker 1: father won't strike, I'm gonna stuke, I'm not doing nothing,
Speaker 1: what you mean? So I go in the basement and
Speaker 1: they'd be laundry piled up in my father laundry. And
Speaker 1: this is when I was in college. My father would
Speaker 1: be like, but you're going to watch clothes. I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: he can you throw a couple of my underwear in there?
Speaker 1: I'm like, yo, what is going on in here? Like
Speaker 1: y'all like you're having to stand laundry standoff? Like really,
Speaker 1: you're not too old for this. And I'm telling to
Speaker 1: I watched, I'm gonna do. I got another job too,
Speaker 1: I worked too. And my mother, my mother don't be
Speaker 1: giving it ship. My mother will sit down there and
Speaker 1: not kids like to have a secret stash of underwear
Speaker 1: where she's like you know what, she probably like you
Speaker 1: should probably go buy underwear every week and not telling
Speaker 1: nobody because you know you're mad petty. And remember when
Speaker 1: remember with the toilet paper situation. I don't know if
Speaker 1: you know about this toilet paper situation, but me and
Speaker 1: Condeine were having a petty war, right and having a
Speaker 1: petty war. We were arguing about budgets and I said, yo,
Speaker 1: you spend too much money on everything, like like at
Speaker 1: one point we went to talk. You brought mad toilet
Speaker 1: paper and she's like, fine, I'll cut back. I'll come
Speaker 1: back to you want me to cut back, I'll cut
Speaker 1: back on target runs. So she went and she bought
Speaker 1: one pot toilet paper. So I'm like, you buy one
Speaker 1: plot toilet paper, Like that's messed up, but whatever, I
Speaker 1: get it. You want to do this thing. So I'm
Speaker 1: wiping my butt with the one plot. It's hurting, you know,
Speaker 1: my booty saw and stuff. I got, where's the kids? Like,
Speaker 1: I'm saving money on toilet paper, but now I got
Speaker 1: to buy more. But now I go on her closet
Speaker 1: and it's how petty she is. I go on closet
Speaker 1: and she got the charming in the closet. She got
Speaker 1: this expensive toilet paper she's talking about. She saved this
Speaker 1: from before. So she ain't buying a new toilet paper.
Speaker 1: She just ain't put the old toilet paper out she
Speaker 1: saved in her closet. I was like, Yo, you mad
Speaker 1: petty son, you mad petty, you gonna have the sharman
Speaker 1: It was with the oint mean, while I'm using cardboard
Speaker 1: to wipe my butt, and I remember my mom came
Speaker 1: by the house, so she was like, who bought this
Speaker 1: toilet tissue? I went to use the bathroom in my
Speaker 1: hand just buster thessue like that talking about a roll.
Speaker 1: He wasn't rolling. So what are you doing this scenario?
Speaker 1: What are you doing the scenario? Right? You do what
Speaker 1: I do. Establish the ground rule. You sit down and
Speaker 1: say y yo, you sit down and say listen, listen right,
Speaker 1: I've been washing dishes, mad Tom's I'm tired of washing
Speaker 1: the dishes. All right, We're gonna have to split this
Speaker 1: up because it's just not it's impossible. It's not fair,
Speaker 1: it's impossible. I mean we we've realized that now too.
Speaker 1: Sometimes that I was like the four when we had
Speaker 1: just one child, it was easy for me to like
Speaker 1: whip up being really quick, then do badtime with Jackson,
Speaker 1: get him dressed while being at work all day. You know,
Speaker 1: I know that he had a hard day, so I'll
Speaker 1: be like, you know what, I'll take care of that.
Speaker 1: But once two or three kids roll around, and it's
Speaker 1: like dinner for everybody, half the dinners on the floor,
Speaker 1: it's a lot. So it's like, all right, I'm gonna cook,
Speaker 1: I'll clean the kitchen, you get the kids ready. You
Speaker 1: have to divvy up the work like it's impossible, And
Speaker 1: I mean it's impossible. I don't think it's a boundary thing.
Speaker 1: But what happens is is people don't want to be
Speaker 1: nags number one, number two. I hear people say this
Speaker 1: all the time. I want my significant other to see
Speaker 1: me struggling and just want to help. Sometimes they don't
Speaker 1: see you struggling. You gotta say something mind like people don't.
Speaker 1: I now have to vocalize, did can you please help
Speaker 1: me get all three children ready? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Literally about in his own world, keeping his own world?
Speaker 1: Did I was sitting in the toilet with his phone
Speaker 1: for thirty minutes, that's only minutes. Said I'm like, you know,
Speaker 1: we got somewhere to go, and we have all these
Speaker 1: kids to get dressed. And here's here's another reason why.
Speaker 1: Right as you naturally go through your progression of life,
Speaker 1: certain people take on certain responsibilities. Right, So getting the
Speaker 1: kids ready was one of the responsibilities that Codeine took on.
Speaker 1: I have other responsibilities, so I feel like she has
Speaker 1: hers I have mine. I'm not saying anything when I'm
Speaker 1: chilling because I feel like that's her responsibility. I don't
Speaker 1: know she's getting overwhelmed, because when I take care of
Speaker 1: my responsibilities, I don't ask for no help until I
Speaker 1: get to the car. And he'd be like, why your
Speaker 1: online of crooked? Why you only got on one eyelash?
Speaker 1: Why half your head flat ironed? Oh? Develop because I
Speaker 1: was getting all the kids ready and I couldn't get
Speaker 1: the rest of myself ready. So don't even look at
Speaker 1: me and ask me why my eyeliner is crooked? Right now? Anyway,
Speaker 1: real quickly, scenario number three. You've dipped into your shared
Speaker 1: bank account for a little online shopping because I was
Speaker 1: probably buying your ass and more underwear. Anyway, you've dipped
Speaker 1: into your shared bank account for a little online shopping.
Speaker 1: When you splurge one too many times, do you tell
Speaker 1: your spouse or hope that they won't notice. If your
Speaker 1: spouse is the valve, They're gonna notice because they got
Speaker 1: the alert to their phone before you even fully click pay, confirmed, Submit,
Speaker 1: whatever the button is. Deval's gonna be like, did you
Speaker 1: just spend x y z on x y z and
Speaker 1: I'd be like, yes, because I got the alert to
Speaker 1: my phone. Let me tell you. So there's no if
Speaker 1: there a go ahead, go ahead finished No. I was
Speaker 1: just gonna say so if if the person is anything
Speaker 1: like de Vot, they it's not gonna get past them.
Speaker 1: It's not gonna get past them. So you hear how
Speaker 1: Codinas door the explorer, right, you could call me door
Speaker 1: read the explore red because when it comes to the
Speaker 1: finances inspector, gadget I missed that cartoon sidebar. She'll call me,
Speaker 1: She'll I'll call her. I'll be like, yo, use that Starbucks.
Speaker 1: She was like, yeah, I said, you spent thirty two
Speaker 1: dollars coffee. What kind of coffee did you have? They called,
Speaker 1: and she's like, no, I didn't have this coffee head.
Speaker 1: So I said, I'm just making sure because in this
Speaker 1: day a fraud, I don't want anyone to ever get
Speaker 1: my card and start racking up a lot of charges.
Speaker 1: That always blames me on fraud. It's real. Fraud is real,
Speaker 1: but it happens. You be knowing that it's me that
Speaker 1: it happens. She spent a lot of money on little
Speaker 1: tiny things that add up at the end of the
Speaker 1: month it happens, I don't be going into Starbucks like
Speaker 1: that now where I bought a whole coffee pot and
Speaker 1: I got my own coffee so that way I can
Speaker 1: make my own coffee at home, and I got a
Speaker 1: reusable cup. And that's only because you're welcome. Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you so for this person here who's saying, did
Speaker 1: you tell your spouse they don't notice? No, you better
Speaker 1: say something because if they notice, if they notice without
Speaker 1: you saying something, it's gonna look like it's deceitful. And
Speaker 1: that's just not fair, especially if it's shared together, like
Speaker 1: y'all earn that money together. Yeah, and if you're saving
Speaker 1: for something in particular, budgeting yourself, like just don't do it.
Speaker 1: Say something, bro sis whoever the online shop, because it's
Speaker 1: not always just the women. I know some men who
Speaker 1: shot more than their their women. You show me the
Speaker 1: exception and try to make it the rule. Blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: You know, you know the demographic in this country, The
Speaker 1: highest spenders in this country are women. An I'm about
Speaker 1: to be out of that demographic. You're about to move
Speaker 1: it up. You're about to move up the whole demographic.
Speaker 1: You by yourself getting Amazon. They're gonna change it now. Well, actually,
Speaker 1: I haven't even reached that demographic. I'm twenty three. Okay,
Speaker 1: you canna believe whatever you want. Those are fun scenarios.
Speaker 1: You guys have such great stories to tell. I enjoy
Speaker 1: fun real scenarios. Yes, and if you want to be
Speaker 1: featured as one of our listener letters, y'all know where
Speaker 1: to hit us. Email us at dead ask Advice at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. So keep those coming. We love to
Speaker 1: hear from you'all. Yes, do you have a moment of
Speaker 1: truth for us today? A moment of truth today? Moment
Speaker 1: of truth today? I would say my moment of truth
Speaker 1: is to continue to use reverse psychology on the valve
Speaker 1: to get stuff done, since he doesn't like boundaries. Until
Speaker 1: you're aware of the fact that I'm using reverse psychology
Speaker 1: on you, can you be serious for once in your life?
Speaker 1: Like I'm a very serious person. Okay, serious person, you're
Speaker 1: just not taking a serious fine. Go ahead, give me
Speaker 1: a moment of truth. Then. The best boundary that you
Speaker 1: can give someone, it's no boundaries, and watch how they move.
Speaker 1: Once you see how they move, make a decision on
Speaker 1: your own if you want to exist in their life. Period.
Speaker 1: This whole boundary thing of telling people what they can
Speaker 1: they can't do. Don't work, won't work, will never work.
Speaker 1: People lie to you when they say do this, say
Speaker 1: you don't like this, and then they'll conform. No, let
Speaker 1: that person that you want to live with live their
Speaker 1: life and then you make a choice if you can
Speaker 1: exist in their life period period. Don't make boundaries on
Speaker 1: other people, make boundaries on yourself. I can't exist over
Speaker 1: there with you. So you're saying, have internal boundaries that
Speaker 1: will allow you to then move accordingly. Absolutely, don't let
Speaker 1: nobody else give you boundaries. Live like Neo in the Matrix. Okay,
Speaker 1: do you are the one when the boundaries keep coming
Speaker 1: You just got that whole put their hand out, you
Speaker 1: do the whole like flashback, stop stop the boundary bullet.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, now you stop the boundary bullet in his track.
Speaker 1: Then you drop it because all these agents, the agents
Speaker 1: will come for you. Don't let the agents come for you.
Speaker 1: Gotch Neo and the Matrix dess be short to follow
Speaker 1: us on social media. Check out our handles that's I
Speaker 1: am devout I am And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe Homies. Yes. Buddy
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's produced by
Speaker 1: T Square and Dinora Penia. Our chief content Officer is
Speaker 1: Chris Banning. Our associate producers are Kristin Torres and Trouble.
Speaker 1: Our studio engineer and original music is by Brendan Burns
Speaker 1: and mixed by Andy, Kristen's daughter. For back, I'm Drew
Speaker 1: McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going
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Speaker 1: called Substraction that's available everywhere. Getting podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple,
Speaker 1: Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out.
Speaker 1: Do it please,