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Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and

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Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together

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Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new

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Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, This very podcast which has

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Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now. Avail every rust.

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Speaker 1: Get your podcast at such a Spotify, Apple Go listen

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Speaker 1: right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.

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Speaker 1: Go listen to see by. When it comes to relationships,

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Speaker 1: I hate the word boundaries. I used to believe in

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Speaker 1: boundaries until I gave you one and you would like,

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Speaker 1: oh hell no. For me, it's about one word R E,

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Speaker 1: S B c T. Find out what it means to

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Speaker 1: d Just don't do anything that's going to make people

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Speaker 1: question your loyalty within our relationship. Dead ass. Hey, I'm

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Speaker 1: Cadine and we're the ellisit. You may know us from

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Speaker 1: posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other

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Speaker 1: publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I make you

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Speaker 1: need derby most days. And one more important thing to mention,

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Speaker 1: we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast

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Speaker 1: to open dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics,

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Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the

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Speaker 1: lens of a millennial, married couple. Dead ass is a

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Speaker 1: term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass,

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Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts on the truth, the whole truth,

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Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We're about to take philow

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Speaker 1: talk to a whole new level. Dead ask starts now

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Speaker 1: two thousand and four. Oh lord, he digging up the dirt, y'all. College? Okay,

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Speaker 1: And this is why I don't like boundaries. I just

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Speaker 1: came off a game in college, just scored three touchdowns.

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Speaker 1: Facebook had just started popping, right. I go to my messages,

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Speaker 1: A young lady writes in my insbox, Hey, good game, Devo.

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Speaker 1: I know where you're going with this. He goes, goes, oh,

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Speaker 1: you out here entertaining these little friends of yours. I

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Speaker 1: had three touchdowns, like I had. I really had a

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Speaker 1: good game. Though. She was just like, now, I don't

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Speaker 1: want nobody an inbox. Fast forward basketball season codeine in

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Speaker 1: boxes one of her residents who's a basketball player, Hey,

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Speaker 1: good game. So I'm like, oh, so we're gonna be

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Speaker 1: in boxing people now. So now you're trying to be

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Speaker 1: one of these little friends. When of these little holes,

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Speaker 1: and she like, now, I ain't know ho, I know

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Speaker 1: what my attentions are. He had a good game. That's

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Speaker 1: my resident exactly. That's the relationship I had with all

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Speaker 1: of my residents. I lived in an area on campus

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Speaker 1: that was all athletes. So I did that for my females.

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Speaker 1: I did that for the males. I did that for

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Speaker 1: soccer season. I did that for lcross season. So don't

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Speaker 1: try to make it an issue now because he was

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Speaker 1: kind of cute, because you know, I don't remember seeing

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Speaker 1: you inbox no female lacrosse. Did you go through female

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Speaker 1: across players? No, you didn't look for the one guy,

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Speaker 1: So stop ship story. Name one female across field hockey player.

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Speaker 1: Name one field hockey player you know from hofstro I'm waiting.

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Speaker 1: Did not shut up? You're so annoying. No new friends,

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Speaker 1: No new friends, No new friends, no, no, Now, she

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Speaker 1: loved this ride. What my day was? Don't really need

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Speaker 1: no new friends, new friendsens, No new friends, new friends.

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Speaker 1: Don't get on the new friends topic. Okay, oh god,

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Speaker 1: we subscribe to something completely different now. But we're going

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Speaker 1: to take you all through a journey. How we got here,

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Speaker 1: How we got here? Where we started Okay when it

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Speaker 1: comes to de val in his Little Friends. I specifically

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Speaker 1: remember these times in our relationships because there's one thing

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Speaker 1: I learned about women, and I'm not gonna say all women,

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Speaker 1: because anytime you say all women, you put you put

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Speaker 1: a brush over all women. Can't say all women but

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Speaker 1: young women who are learning to mature into mature women.

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Speaker 1: Same thing with young men. Right. One thing I've learned

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Speaker 1: women like to behave in a manner that they do

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Speaker 1: not want other women to behave when it comes to

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Speaker 1: their boyfriend. They don't mind doing it to other people's

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Speaker 1: boyfriends and justifying it. Women like doing that, which women

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Speaker 1: not me because I fully know my intentions when I

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Speaker 1: So first of all, let's go back to the story time. Okay, right,

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Speaker 1: all right, So Devout always brings this topic up as

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Speaker 1: one of like the values of our relationship because it's

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Speaker 1: the microcosm of what I had to go through in

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Speaker 1: our relationship, and it was you know what to him

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Speaker 1: in that moment. I can understand he saw like, this

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Speaker 1: was one of the star basketball players on the team,

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Speaker 1: good looking guy. Devoutnew my type, so he was probably like,

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Speaker 1: you know what, K sending this message to this guy

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Speaker 1: was probably her doing to me or doing to him

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Speaker 1: what that other young lady was doing to me, right,

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Speaker 1: because you thought that now I was just trying to

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Speaker 1: be a little hole. No, I honestly didn't think that.

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Speaker 1: I was just trying to prove a point that if

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Speaker 1: a young lady sends me a message, you automatically assume

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Speaker 1: she's a home because I don't know her intentions. So

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Speaker 1: my thing is, how do you think other people look

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Speaker 1: at you by sending the same message? And my thing is,

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Speaker 1: you don't even try to think about the fact that

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Speaker 1: I'm not worried about what your inter is. I know you,

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Speaker 1: you're my girl, but the same way other people are

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Speaker 1: gonna look at her as like, oh, that little hole

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Speaker 1: was in Devours messages. Now people looking at you, my girl,

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Speaker 1: is that little hole in his message? But you don't

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Speaker 1: care about that. It's something I didn't care about it.

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Speaker 1: I didn't see it that way because I had a

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Speaker 1: relationship with my residents and they knew what it was.

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Speaker 1: So whether it was him, or whether it was a

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Speaker 1: lacrosse player or whether it was somebody else, they would

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Speaker 1: have seen the same thing if they all had good games.

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Speaker 1: That was my m O that's the r D. That

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Speaker 1: was nice, and I knew about my people's schedules. And

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Speaker 1: this is my point with women, especially young women. Right,

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Speaker 1: do you think that basketball play or his friends have

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Speaker 1: access to all of the other athletes in boxes? Of course? Okay,

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Speaker 1: so they see you in boxing him, you think that, hey,

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Speaker 1: she's the resident director. She's No, she's not. And this

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Speaker 1: is my thing. Women find ways to justify their behavior

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Speaker 1: and their actions while shaming other women for doing the

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Speaker 1: same type of behavior. And what I found was that

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Speaker 1: that was very toxic. We talked about toxicity on this show.

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Speaker 1: That was toxic for us. And we were younger. We

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Speaker 1: were in college too, So I mean, and I behaved

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Speaker 1: in ways that I didn't want. I was about to say,

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Speaker 1: because you said, oh, women behave, and because you were

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Speaker 1: talking about we were talking about the story now and

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Speaker 1: I was getting back to the story. So what I

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Speaker 1: was saying was I really didn't have a problem with you.

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Speaker 1: And this is going to get to us talking about boundaries.

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Speaker 1: I know, I'm probably, like very probably one of the

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Speaker 1: most confident people that I know. Nobody loves devote more

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Speaker 1: than devalorce. All right, we know this, No, yeah, definebod

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Speaker 1: knows this, So I was not worried about, Oh good,

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Speaker 1: he is going to leave me. Oh my god. He

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Speaker 1: blames basketball. First of all, I play ball too. I'll

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Speaker 1: dunkle his ass. I don't give the fuck. Okay, that's

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Speaker 1: just how I felt, right, But I was worried about

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Speaker 1: the fact that you gave me a hard time for

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Speaker 1: a message I couldn't control and then did the same

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Speaker 1: exact behavior. I was like, that to me just made

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Speaker 1: no sense, and in the course of our relationship, I

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Speaker 1: didn't understand how we were going to get through these

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Speaker 1: times where you were gonna, you know, do things that

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Speaker 1: you got upset for other people doing. To know, I

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Speaker 1: think it's a very real thing, and in all seriousness,

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Speaker 1: it is a real thing because I know me as

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Speaker 1: a woman, and some of even like my close female

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Speaker 1: friends or other women who have had conversation with they

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Speaker 1: feel like when it comes to a member of the

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Speaker 1: opposite sex and having any kind of interaction, whether it's

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Speaker 1: just a platonic friendship or coworker relationship, whatever it may be,

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Speaker 1: we feel as though the control is in my hands.

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Speaker 1: Nothing is going to happen that I don't want to happen,

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Speaker 1: because you feel like men can't control their urges in part,

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Speaker 1: that's some of it. But I feel like I'm not

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Speaker 1: gonna lie. I sit up all the time and talk

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Speaker 1: about how much I need sex and want I can't

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Speaker 1: then backtrack. That's especially a young man. That's fair. So

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Speaker 1: the weaker of the two, I would say, would probably

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Speaker 1: be the man. If the woman is about it, then hey,

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Speaker 1: because at the same time, to you not, a man

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Speaker 1: can't force it on a woman either. You know, a

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Speaker 1: man can force on a woman. But that's a whole Yeah.

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Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is that, like you know, it

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Speaker 1: definitely is completely different. But what I'm saying is that's fair.

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Speaker 1: I talk about men's weaknesses all the time. I can't

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Speaker 1: backtrack and then say now that we're stronger. I think

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Speaker 1: when it comes to matters of sex, women are stronger mentally.

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie, but ahead, right. So that being said,

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Speaker 1: the reason why I felt like I had control, especially

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Speaker 1: in that situation, is because well, it was a message

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Speaker 1: and that was it, and that was even if he

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Speaker 1: wanted to create conversation with me after the fact, I

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Speaker 1: know that I was gonna put the combastion that anyway,

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Speaker 1: because that's not what I was there for. But I

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Speaker 1: do understand in a retrospe now where you're coming from

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Speaker 1: where you felt like kating. You're doing exactly to this

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Speaker 1: female what you said, right, and I get it, but

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Speaker 1: I was like hell now, but I also felt like

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Speaker 1: but I also felt like it puts you in a

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Speaker 1: in a horrible light because now you have a team

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Speaker 1: of ballplayers sitting behind a computer and you're in boxing him.

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Speaker 1: It's gonna make you look bad and make you look thirsty.

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Speaker 1: And my thing is the same way you said that

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Speaker 1: these women who inbox me look thirsty. I don't want

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Speaker 1: my girlfriend looking thirsty because they don't care about your intent.

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Speaker 1: And we talked about toxicity. The intent of what you

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Speaker 1: do doesn't change the impact it is. What it is,

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Speaker 1: is that what y'all did back in the day, like

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Speaker 1: you and your your football absolutely y'all sat behind somebody's

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Speaker 1: laptop of the team y'all looking at who was Let

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Speaker 1: me tell you something right now, because I'm just like

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Speaker 1: where to say you've painted this picture now where I'm

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Speaker 1: the lonely girl behind my laptop, but he's a gang

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Speaker 1: of dudes behind him checking out his in box. Nobody

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Speaker 1: said you was a lonely girl, because you use fine

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Speaker 1: as hell. You wasn't lonely. I was there lonely in

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Speaker 1: the moment when I sent the message you're talking about,

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Speaker 1: you're sending it to an athlete who was part of

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Speaker 1: a team. Like, this is what we do. We sit

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Speaker 1: in the locker room. Yo, you got an inbox from who?

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Speaker 1: And if it's the pretty girl on campus, everybody wants

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Speaker 1: to see what she said. That's what dudes do, the

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Speaker 1: same way. You got your girls, your girls squad. You

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. If a guy that y'all are

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Speaker 1: interested in sends you an inbox, what you're gonna do?

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Speaker 1: I'm showing on my home girls. Right, So this is

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Speaker 1: my thing. Right, I operate from a place of rationale. Okay,

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Speaker 1: if you say to me you don't want something to

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Speaker 1: be done to you, you should not do the same

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Speaker 1: thing to somebody else necessarily, So not necessarily. This is

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Speaker 1: what I go through. So that was we were. I

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Speaker 1: was twenty when it happened. That was twenty when that happened.

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Speaker 1: We were going through that, right, So let's go to

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Speaker 1: the next step. Okay, this is when I was in

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Speaker 1: the NFL, Right, anytime I went out with my friends,

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Speaker 1: it was a problem. Case in point, when I was

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Speaker 1: playing ball, you and your home girls went out, y'alln't

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Speaker 1: had drinks, y'all went and played spades. I never had

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Speaker 1: a problem with you going on. Let me finish my story.

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Speaker 1: Let me make sure, because I'm not telling no lines.

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Speaker 1: Two thousand and seven. A go ahead, y'all went out,

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Speaker 1: y'all was having drinks. You'a will go play spades at

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Speaker 1: dudes basement? Right, y'all go play base. Maybe that wasn't

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Speaker 1: nobody basement, but who's so where were you all playing

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Speaker 1: spades that day? It was in the living room. Wasn't

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Speaker 1: a basis? Okay, it don't matter to me where I

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Speaker 1: was playing space? Right? I come back. I got all

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Speaker 1: my friends, and we had our female friends that we

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Speaker 1: hang out with. But every time I went to go out,

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Speaker 1: oh you're going out with your little friends. Your little

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Speaker 1: friends out, you have to give them the context of

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Speaker 1: what was happening. So at this time in our life,

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Speaker 1: I was at grad school, still in New York. You

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Speaker 1: were away in Michigan. The reason I was hanging out

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Speaker 1: was because I knew I had no boyfriend. This was

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Speaker 1: our first time being away from each other grad school

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Speaker 1: was stressful. I couldn't be there in Michigan with you,

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Speaker 1: So my way of passing time was literally to be out,

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Speaker 1: Like if the weekends could fly with no women, you

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Speaker 1: could hang out with you hang out and hang out

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Speaker 1: with people with penises. Huh, that's what you had to

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Speaker 1: hang out with. It shut up. So we went out. Yes,

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Speaker 1: we did go out. We went to different lounges, we

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Speaker 1: went to different clubs. But it's the justification because but

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Speaker 1: on the flip side, so the reason for being out

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Speaker 1: like that which we spoke about, the reason for being

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Speaker 1: out was because that was my way of dealing in

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Speaker 1: coping with you not being there. I try to keep

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Speaker 1: myself busy because if I was just sitting in my

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Speaker 1: room soaking in my sorrows out of felt worse about

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Speaker 1: not having you. Right. So when you, in turn, came

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Speaker 1: home after the season was over and you came back

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Speaker 1: to campus and you were pretty much living with me

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Speaker 1: on campus, I wasn't going out no more because I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I have my husband, not your boyfriend. Well, you still

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Speaker 1: went out. I still went out because your Thursday and Fridays,

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Speaker 1: I still went out because you were out and you

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Speaker 1: hung out with these gentlemen and friend as well. Right,

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Speaker 1: I did hang out with them, but at that time

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Speaker 1: I was expecting you to come home to be with me,

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Speaker 1: but you wanted to go out now because you felt

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Speaker 1: like it was yet little friends, a freshman friends. That's

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Speaker 1: all it comes down. They weren't all of them as well.

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Speaker 1: One more year of experience. Great. The point is. The

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Speaker 1: point is when we were growing up and we were

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Speaker 1: learning each other. Any time I went out with members

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Speaker 1: of the opposite sex, she had an issue with it.

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Speaker 1: She found the reason why. When she did it, it

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Speaker 1: was perfectly fine, but when I did it, it was

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Speaker 1: a problem. And you explained what that just to get

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Speaker 1: back at me. That's what That was the reason why

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Speaker 1: you were doing it. You with theos. You really want

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Speaker 1: to be with me, but you like, you know what,

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Speaker 1: I have a point to proof because Kay was hanging out.

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Speaker 1: Let me explain something seeing you, Okay, I was trying

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Speaker 1: to cope with the fact. Then I came back and

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Speaker 1: I needed to hang out with my friends. Shut up,

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Speaker 1: that's what you just said. You had to cope, so

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Speaker 1: you had to hang out with your friends. See what

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Speaker 1: you're doing though, you exactly, and you were exactly doing

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Speaker 1: what you felt like you needed to do to get

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Speaker 1: back at me because you were we were salty, and

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Speaker 1: you were better and you were upset about the fact

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Speaker 1: that I was hanging out with guys and girls while

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Speaker 1: you were away, so you felt like, this is your

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Speaker 1: time to come home, be in my face with it.

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Speaker 1: If that's how you that's what it was that you

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Speaker 1: want to take it, you can take That's what it is.

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Speaker 1: Anybody taking it over With my point, women always feel

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Speaker 1: like they're in control of everything, right. Women always feel

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Speaker 1: like that. It's like, you know this is and I'll

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Speaker 1: do this too. That's just the bro. That's the bro.

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Speaker 1: That's the bro. But then when your guy mess up,

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Speaker 1: then you gotta show you girl crying on his shoulder.

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Speaker 1: You cry on his shoulder, and the next time you

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Speaker 1: cry on his chest, and the next time you're crying

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Speaker 1: on they lep. Then before you know, he's dicking your mouth.

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Speaker 1: That's just what happens. You know how I know because

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Speaker 1: I have friends who are single who are the bro

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Speaker 1: to other people's girls who have boyfriends, and you know

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Speaker 1: what happens they boyfriend's mess up. You know he ain't

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Speaker 1: to eat me out in two weeks and it's come in, baby,

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Speaker 1: come and come come in. Bro, come here, assist, Come here, assist.

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Speaker 1: Crying on my shoulder, sists crying on my chest. Sis.

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Speaker 1: Shame on your friends, have shame on your friend, for

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Speaker 1: your friends or whoever these friends you are that then

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Speaker 1: we're not being the strong friend that she may have needed,

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Speaker 1: and then allowed that to go down. She don't want

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Speaker 1: with the boyfriends. This is what in a honerable state,

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Speaker 1: they took advantage of the vulnerable state she was in,

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Speaker 1: and that's not fair. So, you guys, there's nothing I say,

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Speaker 1: k is gonna find a way to justify women's behavior.

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Speaker 1: I'm not because there are some trifling women out there.

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Speaker 1: There are, There absolutely are. So it's a case by

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Speaker 1: case scenario, which everything is, however, So I'm just saying personally,

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Speaker 1: I believe that women have control over those types of situations.

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Speaker 1: I agree with that in some cases. I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to give you the exception and try to make it

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Speaker 1: the rule. I've already said so many times that men

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Speaker 1: need sex, So I get it. If you have an

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Speaker 1: attractive woman and she comes on to a man, it

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Speaker 1: is a lot harder for a man sometimes to say no, right,

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Speaker 1: But this is my point, and this is where it's

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Speaker 1: going to take me to where we are now. There

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Speaker 1: came a point in our relationship where Codeine had told

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Speaker 1: me she forbid me to talk to somebody. Yes, forbid me,

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Speaker 1: and that was probably the worst thing she could ever

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Speaker 1: do in her life, because I do not like to

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Speaker 1: be put in the box. Ever since I was a kid,

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Speaker 1: my parents could tell me, Devout, do not do this.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to find a way to do it. It

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Speaker 1: could be to my detriment, but I just have to

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Speaker 1: do it because I don't like being put in the box.

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Speaker 1: That's because I have about two or three kids that

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Speaker 1: are the same way, and I already know that I'm

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Speaker 1: going to have to deal with the same thing with them.

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Speaker 1: And the funny thing is, even though I don't like

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Speaker 1: being put in the box, I don't even want to

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Speaker 1: put you in the box. Well, it's it's funny because

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Speaker 1: in that scenario that you were talking about, where I

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Speaker 1: was pretty much just like Devout, I don't want you

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Speaker 1: to be friends with this person anymore. I pretty much

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Speaker 1: forbid you to see you can say pretty much you

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Speaker 1: said I forbid, and I bust out laughing, and I

339
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,760
Speaker 1: was like, you forbid me? What I mean old English times?

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Speaker 1: Now I forbid thee to speak to the like. I

341
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:10,400
Speaker 1: was like, what, I don't did I really forbid? You said?

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00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,320
Speaker 1: You said forbid, and I was like, I don't know

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Speaker 1: where this is coming from, right, but you knew it

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00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,040
Speaker 1: was coming from You know. My reasons for wanting you

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00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:19,879
Speaker 1: not to continue to speak with this person because I

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00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,040
Speaker 1: felt like this person was becoming more than a French devot,

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00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:26,120
Speaker 1: and not in a physical way, but for me being

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Speaker 1: his woman at the time, I felt as though this

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Speaker 1: person was now developing an emotional connection to Devot that

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Speaker 1: I did not appreciate, and that was more harmful for me.

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00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,960
Speaker 1: I felt could have been more of a detriment to

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Speaker 1: us in our relationship versus a physical thing, and that

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Speaker 1: was my issue with that. So yes, I might have

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Speaker 1: told about that I forbid forbid him to speak to

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Speaker 1: this person and in doing that, he proceeded to speak

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Speaker 1: to this person even more because, like you said, Rifling,

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00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:06,000
Speaker 1: it's not it's just as my personality, You've got to

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Speaker 1: take the good with the bad, Like I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to be forbid to do anything when when we were

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Speaker 1: going through our situations and and this is for you

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Speaker 1: guys to know. There were times when I did things

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Speaker 1: that across the line. There were times you did things

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Speaker 1: across the line. At no point there at no point

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Speaker 1: when you cross the line did I ever say I

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Speaker 1: forbid the to do anything. I always said to you,

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Speaker 1: Do you feel like that's something you need to do?

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Speaker 1: Do you feel like that's something you want to do?

368
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Speaker 1: Make a choice and let me know. Am my line exactly,

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Speaker 1: And what I'm talking, like, what I'm saying is is

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Speaker 1: that I choose to live my life that way. So

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Speaker 1: I don't try to put you on different standards that

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Speaker 1: I live my life. But that's something that I had

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Speaker 1: to learn because I didn't necessarily operate that right right,

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Speaker 1: you know. And that was an issue for Deval and

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Speaker 1: I because he's just like, well, I wouldn't have done

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Speaker 1: it this way. And not just with this scenario. We

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00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,840
Speaker 1: have tons of different scenarios where it's like, well, I

378
00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,520
Speaker 1: wouldn't have handled it this way when it comes to parenting,

379
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:04,600
Speaker 1: when it comes to you know, anything, I wouldn't have

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00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,240
Speaker 1: handled it that way. And I'm like Devout, well, just

381
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:08,040
Speaker 1: because you didn't handle it that way, it didn't mean

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00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:09,879
Speaker 1: that the way I did it was wrong. It's just

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00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:12,440
Speaker 1: a different route. I agree. So now when it comes

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Speaker 1: to Devout and things, you know, I'm like, Devot, please

385
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,639
Speaker 1: don't take out the garbage. Please leave the garbage right there, Devot?

386
00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:22,800
Speaker 1: And what does the vou do? Take out the motherfu garbage?

387
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:24,800
Speaker 1: So we good? Now I know what I gotta do.

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00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,000
Speaker 1: It's like reverse psychology for this guy here, because I've

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00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:30,480
Speaker 1: learned with this whole boundary word and the whole forbidding situation,

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00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,720
Speaker 1: that Devot is gonna want to do the opposite of

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00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,359
Speaker 1: what you tell him. But I mean, it's it's a

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00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:38,320
Speaker 1: little bit more deeper than that, especially when you're talking

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Speaker 1: about members of the opposite sex and friendships, right, because

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00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,680
Speaker 1: a lot of what I learned about women I learned

395
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:52,840
Speaker 1: from women, right from friends. Because there's nothing a man

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00:19:53,119 --> 00:19:56,600
Speaker 1: can tell me about my wife. I'm sorry, I just

397
00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:00,520
Speaker 1: like there's certain things, there's certain uh intricacy, these and

398
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,440
Speaker 1: nuances of being a woman that only a woman can explain.

399
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,000
Speaker 1: So for me having the ability to reach out across

400
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,440
Speaker 1: the aisle and talk to a woman that's not my

401
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:11,640
Speaker 1: mom or your mom or your sister or my sister

402
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:13,840
Speaker 1: or your friend. I need that because I need someone

403
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,920
Speaker 1: that's going to be objective, objective sometimes you know what

404
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:20,159
Speaker 1: I'm saying, soliciting conversation or help or advice or just

405
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,560
Speaker 1: the lending ear of a female who is detached from

406
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:27,880
Speaker 1: your relationship. Because for me, when you put boundaries on people,

407
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,200
Speaker 1: right and you say you can't speak to this person

408
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,200
Speaker 1: or you can't do this because we're in a relationship,

409
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,639
Speaker 1: all that does is limit you as a person. Like

410
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,000
Speaker 1: what if this person works in the same field as

411
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,600
Speaker 1: I do and we have to work together. What if

412
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:43,160
Speaker 1: this person could help advance us as a family because

413
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:46,000
Speaker 1: they provide something that we could use. For me to

414
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:50,040
Speaker 1: just cut off half of the human species because they

415
00:20:50,119 --> 00:20:53,520
Speaker 1: have breasts and vaginas is just stupid. Might I add

416
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Speaker 1: that the woman I forbad him to talk to, or

417
00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:58,280
Speaker 1: forbid it was forbid, forbad him, forbade him to speak to.

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00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:01,080
Speaker 1: The one I forbade you to speak to was exactly

419
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:08,200
Speaker 1: devoced type. That's not exactly, that's not like total beautiful

420
00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:12,440
Speaker 1: to say, so great as you were just having just

421
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:17,120
Speaker 1: strictly conversations about well, as a woman, I don't necessarily

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00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,800
Speaker 1: need another woman to know what my issues are. That

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00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,600
Speaker 1: was my thing. This is the thing too though. You

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00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,920
Speaker 1: never want to have somebody to have something, to be

425
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,120
Speaker 1: able to hold something against you. In my defense, though,

426
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:29,720
Speaker 1: you only got defensive when you felt the woman was

427
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,480
Speaker 1: a threat. I have female friends all the time. If

428
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,480
Speaker 1: you didn't feel like she was a threat, you didn't

429
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,480
Speaker 1: have an issue with me talking to them. You can't

430
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:39,720
Speaker 1: then choose who I speak to his friendship based on

431
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:41,840
Speaker 1: near looks. First of all, this was someone new too,

432
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,159
Speaker 1: like you've had female friends over the years as well too,

433
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,359
Speaker 1: that I understand that this was someone new. But what

434
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:49,320
Speaker 1: I'm saying is is over the course of history new friends,

435
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:51,840
Speaker 1: over the course of history new friends. You were very

436
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,200
Speaker 1: selective with who you decided I couldn't be friends with,

437
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,080
Speaker 1: and it just so happens that most of them were

438
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:59,320
Speaker 1: attractive women. You had issues with women who are attractive

439
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,920
Speaker 1: who are around me often if if it was a

440
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,280
Speaker 1: woman that you didn't think was attractive, you never had

441
00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:07,399
Speaker 1: no problems with it, which is problem which is of

442
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:12,240
Speaker 1: women in relationships with men. Back in college days, for sure, Yes, yeah,

443
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:13,879
Speaker 1: and there was insecurities that came with that. I was

444
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,480
Speaker 1: still learning myself. I was insecure about things, you know,

445
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,920
Speaker 1: with my body, with everything, you know, still trying to

446
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,920
Speaker 1: learn who I was. So yeah, at that time, I

447
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,400
Speaker 1: didn't have those insecurities, for sure. I didn't have those

448
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,560
Speaker 1: insecurities because I felt like, if you were going to

449
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,840
Speaker 1: make a choice to be with me, regardless of whether

450
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,720
Speaker 1: I forbid you or I blocked you from being friends

451
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:34,119
Speaker 1: with this person or liking this person's picture, or regardless,

452
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:35,880
Speaker 1: if you chose not to be with me, you're gonna

453
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,359
Speaker 1: find a way not to be with me. And if

454
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:38,760
Speaker 1: you chose to be with me, you were going to

455
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:41,960
Speaker 1: be with me worried about that. That's a very logical approach.

456
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,480
Speaker 1: But I didn't have that logic at the time. And

457
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,080
Speaker 1: I'll admit that I didn't have that logic. And and

458
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:49,600
Speaker 1: there lies the problem, which is why you know we're

459
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,920
Speaker 1: even having this conversation. Yeah, sorry, go ahead. So we're

460
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,440
Speaker 1: having this conversation because I get this all the time.

461
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:58,680
Speaker 1: I'm married. My husband got friends, you know, at work.

462
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,000
Speaker 1: I don't want him to have no female friends at work.

463
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,440
Speaker 1: What should I do? You can't tell that man not

464
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,560
Speaker 1: to talk to no women. What if its supervised as

465
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:07,560
Speaker 1: a woman. What if this boss is a woman, what

466
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,320
Speaker 1: if the person hr The thing about life is that

467
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:12,960
Speaker 1: it's not about what you know, it's about who you know.

468
00:23:13,119 --> 00:23:15,480
Speaker 1: You have to create relationships in life and who knows

469
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:17,520
Speaker 1: you right absolutely and who knows you you have to

470
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:20,359
Speaker 1: create relationships. If you choose to cut off half of

471
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,800
Speaker 1: the relationships in your life because there are members of

472
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:25,400
Speaker 1: the opposite sex, because your loved one or the person

473
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:28,280
Speaker 1: that you're in a relationship feels uncomfortable, you're setting yourself

474
00:23:28,359 --> 00:23:31,360
Speaker 1: up for failure. So then where does the word boundary

475
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,520
Speaker 1: come in? Like, is there a certain boundary that you

476
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,240
Speaker 1: believe should be set up? I know you don't believe

477
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:37,199
Speaker 1: in boundaries, don't. Like with you and I are within

478
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,399
Speaker 1: our relationship, we don't have boundaries for each other. We

479
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,720
Speaker 1: do not have. But I've heard the word boundaries before.

480
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,639
Speaker 1: You know. That's the topic today. We're talking about boundaries

481
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,280
Speaker 1: and what a boundary is? Um So, how do you

482
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:50,040
Speaker 1: establish that? Is there a need for boundaries? So so

483
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,280
Speaker 1: is that unique to just a relationship thing? Or do

484
00:23:53,359 --> 00:23:55,440
Speaker 1: you just feel like those boundaries should go out the window.

485
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,880
Speaker 1: Now No, I don't feel all boundaries should go out

486
00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:59,639
Speaker 1: the window. But what I'll say is this some of

487
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:03,240
Speaker 1: the bound injuries that I hear in speaking with men

488
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:07,119
Speaker 1: to me is just very archaic and very dumb. Right,

489
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:11,399
Speaker 1: So a couple of gentlemen told me I'm not allowed

490
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:16,080
Speaker 1: to like anybody's pictures on Instagram. I'm not allowed to

491
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:19,520
Speaker 1: look at women when they walk by. M hm. So

492
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,680
Speaker 1: I'm like, so you're just not allowed to live. You

493
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,240
Speaker 1: can be on Instagram and have an Instagram page, but

494
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:26,120
Speaker 1: the one thing that you're supposed to do on Instagram,

495
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:30,200
Speaker 1: which is looking like pictures, you can't do. Why because

496
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:34,480
Speaker 1: my girl doesn't feel comfortable with me liking pictures. I

497
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:38,520
Speaker 1: can't speak to or have friends in my workplace that

498
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:42,080
Speaker 1: are women. And I'm like, are you serious. They're like,

499
00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,880
Speaker 1: this is not possible. Anytime I have a female friend,

500
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,160
Speaker 1: my wife has a problem, my girlfriend has a problem.

501
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:48,720
Speaker 1: I wonder if there's a history there, like they've had

502
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:50,920
Speaker 1: issues in the past with women. Probably is a history.

503
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 1: Sometimes even if it's not a history, she has her

504
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:56,679
Speaker 1: own history, which is why she put those boundaries. I'm

505
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,879
Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna put something out here for for women

506
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:02,120
Speaker 1: to understand and men to understand. Right, it doesn't matter

507
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:03,960
Speaker 1: how many boundaries you put on a person. If that

508
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,440
Speaker 1: person wants to cheat on you, they're going to find

509
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:09,720
Speaker 1: a way. Well that's one thing I will period. So

510
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:11,639
Speaker 1: for me, what's the point of putting boundaries? Someone has

511
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:13,440
Speaker 1: to make a choice to be here, right, you know

512
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,040
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I think my issue with the word

513
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:18,240
Speaker 1: boundaries and where it comes from is that with boundaries,

514
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:22,720
Speaker 1: I feel like there is a choice taken away, and

515
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,720
Speaker 1: the choice is me deciding to do or not do

516
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:28,800
Speaker 1: whatever it is. And I just never like my choice

517
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,119
Speaker 1: to be taken away. And I think that's one thing

518
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:33,800
Speaker 1: you and I both agree on is that even when

519
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:37,360
Speaker 1: it came time for difficult conversations to be had, when

520
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:40,440
Speaker 1: it came time for you know, we're on the brink

521
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,120
Speaker 1: of we don't know if we want to do this anymore.

522
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:45,320
Speaker 1: And it's just like, I don't know. The reason that

523
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,080
Speaker 1: we chose to be transparent with each other, the reason

524
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:50,040
Speaker 1: that we chose to be honest with each other and

525
00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:52,920
Speaker 1: come clean about things we've had to complain about, was

526
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:56,040
Speaker 1: because then it was even playing field for the other

527
00:25:56,119 --> 00:25:59,359
Speaker 1: person to decide to be here. And when there's the

528
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:02,600
Speaker 1: deceit involved, then we lose that choice and I'm here

529
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,680
Speaker 1: on the false presentence and I don't like that, and

530
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:06,600
Speaker 1: we don't like that as a couple. So that's our

531
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,679
Speaker 1: thing with boundaries, why we don't have them. But at

532
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:15,400
Speaker 1: the same time too, I feel as though a lot

533
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:17,440
Speaker 1: from the women's perspective, and this is what I've learned

534
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:20,560
Speaker 1: just from in talking to other women. Um, yes, we

535
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 1: do have our own securities that make us feel like

536
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,520
Speaker 1: we can now impart those insecurities on the people around us.

537
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:30,200
Speaker 1: And is it right? No, it's not necessarily right. I

538
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,399
Speaker 1: can see how it can be stressful within a relationship because, um,

539
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:38,920
Speaker 1: I know somebody that like envy is the fact that

540
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:41,000
Speaker 1: you and I. For example, if we're walking down the

541
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,480
Speaker 1: street together and we see a girl with like a fatass,

542
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:45,920
Speaker 1: I'm like that, I'll tap you and I'll find it

543
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,040
Speaker 1: first and I'll let you know, yo, because I can

544
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:49,920
Speaker 1: appreciate the beauty and a woman you can as well.

545
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:52,239
Speaker 1: And that's just something that we're comfortable doing with each other.

546
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:54,640
Speaker 1: Or if I'm scrolling through I g and I see it, dude,

547
00:26:54,680 --> 00:27:00,439
Speaker 1: that it's like man is and I DM you be like, yo,

548
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:02,879
Speaker 1: look at look at homeboys abs or whatever, and you follow.

549
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:06,760
Speaker 1: But that what that does is keep me on my

550
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:10,800
Speaker 1: toes though, because I feel like if I know what

551
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:14,960
Speaker 1: attracts my woman, right and I know that this is

552
00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:17,640
Speaker 1: what my woman likes, I want to be the best

553
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,600
Speaker 1: version of myself and if I could be close to

554
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:21,399
Speaker 1: what she likes, I know that it can work for

555
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:24,080
Speaker 1: me and you as well. You understand what I'm saying.

556
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,959
Speaker 1: It just the same thing goes for me just following

557
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:29,840
Speaker 1: women who are in fitness and all that good stuff.

558
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:33,159
Speaker 1: It's like, you know, I want to be able to know, like, Okay,

559
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:36,400
Speaker 1: devout likes x y Z and I want to stay fit.

560
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,399
Speaker 1: Sometimes I use that as motivation, not even have anything

561
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,520
Speaker 1: to do with you, per se, but it's motivation for

562
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:41,720
Speaker 1: me to be like, you know what, I can look

563
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:43,520
Speaker 1: like this as well too. And I don't think it's

564
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:45,359
Speaker 1: being superficial. I just think it's being like, you know what,

565
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:47,000
Speaker 1: let me just stay on my toes for my man

566
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,119
Speaker 1: and I can appreciate the beauty and another woman and

567
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,280
Speaker 1: that's just the relationship we have. We're comfortable with that,

568
00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:53,639
Speaker 1: but some people just aren't comfortable with that. And the

569
00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:55,159
Speaker 1: thing is, I get that, and I know a lot

570
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:57,680
Speaker 1: of people are gonna ask, how did you get to

571
00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 1: the point of no boundaries and what does no boundaries mean?

572
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,159
Speaker 1: And how does it help your relationship? So let me

573
00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:08,280
Speaker 1: uh divoge this information. I feel like Codeine and I

574
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:12,600
Speaker 1: reached a point where when and I'm I, you know,

575
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:15,119
Speaker 1: I'm petty. I see it all the time. I'm mad petty.

576
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,840
Speaker 1: So when Codeine was trying to put boundaries on me,

577
00:28:19,119 --> 00:28:20,879
Speaker 1: I was like, fine, if if you can't do it,

578
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,320
Speaker 1: then you can't do this. And then Conine was like okay,

579
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:25,280
Speaker 1: and I was like, ship, that's not working because that's

580
00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:26,639
Speaker 1: not what I wanted to happen. I wanted her to

581
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:27,960
Speaker 1: argue with me that she didn't want to do it,

582
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:30,000
Speaker 1: but she didn't want to argue. But then I realized

583
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,240
Speaker 1: it didn't make me happy to try to put boundaries

584
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:35,360
Speaker 1: on her. What the first thing I noticed about being

585
00:28:35,359 --> 00:28:37,520
Speaker 1: in a relationship and making it work with no boundaries

586
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:39,880
Speaker 1: is that you have to find someone who's making a

587
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:44,000
Speaker 1: choice to be with you unconditionally. And what does that

588
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,400
Speaker 1: mean That person is waking up and saying I want

589
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,760
Speaker 1: to be with de Vow because the val is Devout,

590
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:53,720
Speaker 1: not I want to be with Devout because he provides

591
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,080
Speaker 1: this or because he tells me I can't have this no,

592
00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:58,520
Speaker 1: I want to be with Devout just because de Val

593
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:01,080
Speaker 1: is Devout. When you find some one who was just

594
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:04,840
Speaker 1: into being with you unconditionally, you can then start to

595
00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:07,080
Speaker 1: begin to live a life of no boundaries. Now that

596
00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:09,080
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that things aren't gonna happen. It's gonna make

597
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,880
Speaker 1: you feel away, because sometimes things happen with Codeine and

598
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,360
Speaker 1: I and I say hey, I felt a little uncomfortable

599
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:17,720
Speaker 1: with that, you know, and then once that happens, you

600
00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:20,280
Speaker 1: have to sit down and have a conversation about how

601
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:23,920
Speaker 1: that made you feel. Perfect example about boundaries and no boundaries.

602
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:26,560
Speaker 1: When we met, Codein says she wanted to get into

603
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:30,280
Speaker 1: broadcast journalism. She says she never wanted to be an actress. Right,

604
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:32,760
Speaker 1: I told her, my life goal is to be a

605
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:35,520
Speaker 1: sex symbol. I want to be Will Smith, but bigger.

606
00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:37,120
Speaker 1: I want to be bigger than the Rock. I want

607
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 1: to be running down the street with my my shirt

608
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:41,480
Speaker 1: open with a gun in my hand. Like that's just

609
00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:44,280
Speaker 1: always what I wanted to do. Right, So she knew

610
00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:46,560
Speaker 1: what that entails. That means, yeah, maybe in sex scenes

611
00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:48,400
Speaker 1: and maybe in this and maybe that that's what it was.

612
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:50,720
Speaker 1: I told her from the beginning, I just didn't. I

613
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:53,200
Speaker 1: never wanted to date an actress because at the time,

614
00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:56,720
Speaker 1: the way they objectified women's bodies in Hollywood, I was

615
00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:59,760
Speaker 1: worried about how my my wife would be portrayed if

616
00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:02,840
Speaker 1: she was a sex symbol or a female sex symbol.

617
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:05,680
Speaker 1: So when Codeine and I got married and then she

618
00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:07,480
Speaker 1: decided she wanted to get into TV film, I was like,

619
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:10,240
Speaker 1: and then, know you wanted to be an actress and

620
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:12,680
Speaker 1: I was like he literally literally said, I did not

621
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:14,840
Speaker 1: sign up for that. That's exactly what I said. And

622
00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:17,200
Speaker 1: I was like, well, dude, you know I always it

623
00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:18,920
Speaker 1: on camera work. You thought it was strictly going to

624
00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: be broadcasting. But as we started to like auditions for

625
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:23,760
Speaker 1: commercials and stuff together, I was like, wow, I actually

626
00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 1: really do like the performance side of things. And I

627
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 1: went to grad school for performance studies. So that's where

628
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:32,160
Speaker 1: I started doing more performance and acting related things. Right,

629
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:35,960
Speaker 1: and for me at that point in our marriage, it

630
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:39,320
Speaker 1: was like we had just had Jackson. Um, this was no,

631
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:42,240
Speaker 1: this was Jackson was four. We're going off the Terio's commercial.

632
00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 1: Jackson was forced is about four years ago. I had

633
00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:46,440
Speaker 1: thought I was going to put up a boundary and

634
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:48,920
Speaker 1: say listen, I don't if you're gonna get into Hollywood

635
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:50,480
Speaker 1: and TV film, then I don't know if this is

636
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:52,960
Speaker 1: gonna work. And to me, I felt like that was

637
00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:55,640
Speaker 1: a boundary I was gonna put up, absolutely, So then

638
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:58,960
Speaker 1: we spoke about it and I was just like, this

639
00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:01,280
Speaker 1: doesn't feel good with me trying to put up a

640
00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:04,840
Speaker 1: boundary saying you can't do TV film or we can't

641
00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:07,440
Speaker 1: be married. It just felt so wrong for me, like

642
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:10,000
Speaker 1: and realistically it had nothing to do with her. I

643
00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:11,600
Speaker 1: didn't feel like I was taking anything away from her.

644
00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:14,120
Speaker 1: I just felt wrong putting up a boundary for someone else.

645
00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:16,040
Speaker 1: So I was like, let's sit down and figure out

646
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,360
Speaker 1: how we can make this work. What are you willing

647
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:20,160
Speaker 1: to do, What are you not willing to do? What

648
00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:22,120
Speaker 1: am I willing to do? What am I not willing

649
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:23,880
Speaker 1: to do as an actor? And her as an actor,

650
00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:26,240
Speaker 1: and let's sit down and figure out what makes us

651
00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:28,640
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable. And that was like literally a very real

652
00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:31,160
Speaker 1: conversation that we had in that moment, and I appreciated

653
00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:34,160
Speaker 1: that after the fact because it also made me really

654
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:35,800
Speaker 1: sit on and think, is this something that I want

655
00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:38,080
Speaker 1: to do? Because you know, do you think about oh right,

656
00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:39,680
Speaker 1: I could just do things on television, and I could

657
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:41,560
Speaker 1: be on television, but there's so many different areas of it.

658
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:45,240
Speaker 1: There's commercial acting, there's you know, doing film and television shows,

659
00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:47,640
Speaker 1: and you know, I started to get away from the

660
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:50,160
Speaker 1: broadcasting side of things and doing hard news because I

661
00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:51,880
Speaker 1: felt like I wouldn't be able to use much of

662
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:54,160
Speaker 1: my personality with that. You know, with hard newds, you

663
00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:56,320
Speaker 1: just deliver the news and you don't give any kind

664
00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:59,080
Speaker 1: of opinion. It's just very kind of straightforward. You can

665
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:01,840
Speaker 1: use your creative oh you can't use your creative freedom.

666
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:04,840
Speaker 1: So when I started doing more like hosting entertainment type stuff,

667
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:06,920
Speaker 1: I was like, this starts to feel better. And then

668
00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:10,120
Speaker 1: with Devot auditioning not to even to even put it

669
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:12,720
Speaker 1: out their devot kind of inspired me as well, looking

670
00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:15,320
Speaker 1: at his journey starting to do things like that, having

671
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:19,520
Speaker 1: to You're welcome and being his reader whenever he had

672
00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:22,000
Speaker 1: to do self tape auditions and reading with him, and

673
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:23,880
Speaker 1: I was just like wow, getting into scenes with him,

674
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:25,840
Speaker 1: this is something that kind of inspired me as well.

675
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:27,640
Speaker 1: So we had a very real conversation because it also

676
00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:30,560
Speaker 1: made me feel like, Okay, we're gonna have this conversation.

677
00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:33,960
Speaker 1: We're gonna have the the understanding of what both of

678
00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:35,719
Speaker 1: us want to do. But it also made me as

679
00:32:35,800 --> 00:32:38,680
Speaker 1: an actor feel like, Okay, I should really consider and

680
00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:40,920
Speaker 1: think about the things that I want to do and

681
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:43,240
Speaker 1: not do, or things I'm willing to do and won't do.

682
00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:46,640
Speaker 1: You know, people recently have asked about Devot having this

683
00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:49,400
Speaker 1: new role in System on PA because he had sex

684
00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:52,600
Speaker 1: scenes in it, And I think we're able to get

685
00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:56,080
Speaker 1: through things like that because we had this conversation years ago. Um,

686
00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:57,760
Speaker 1: we're also at a different point in life where we're

687
00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:01,760
Speaker 1: older and we're more mature and sorry and just knowing

688
00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:05,200
Speaker 1: the industry and knowing what goes into shooting a sex scene.

689
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:09,480
Speaker 1: It is the most unsexy thing ever. It is. There's

690
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,920
Speaker 1: no intimacy and sing. But I will say this though.

691
00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:17,400
Speaker 1: It's also speaking up and Mr Perry saying listen, I

692
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:19,840
Speaker 1: know that you're married, you have children. This will be

693
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:23,640
Speaker 1: tasteful exactly. And that was important for me because if

694
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:26,120
Speaker 1: he knows where I stand, he knows who I am

695
00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:28,120
Speaker 1: as a person, he knows that I can still be

696
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:29,880
Speaker 1: a sex symbol and I don't have to sell my

697
00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:33,960
Speaker 1: body and being involved in that and then knowing Kadine,

698
00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:36,280
Speaker 1: I'm saying, you know what, my wife can be a

699
00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,560
Speaker 1: sex symbol and she doesn't have to sell her body

700
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:42,080
Speaker 1: to get across the fact that she's a mom and

701
00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:44,240
Speaker 1: she's sexy and she's a woman. That's how it is. Like,

702
00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:46,280
Speaker 1: there's a new project that's um in the works as

703
00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:49,000
Speaker 1: well right now, and I, you know, showed some interest

704
00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:52,640
Speaker 1: and potentially auditioning, and my agent was pretty much like, no, girl,

705
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,520
Speaker 1: this is not for you. She said, pretty much, this

706
00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:57,480
Speaker 1: is like soft porn. Yeah, She's like, this is not

707
00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:59,040
Speaker 1: gonna You're not gonna be comfortable with any of this.

708
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:02,040
Speaker 1: And that's because they know the boundaries and they understand

709
00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:04,320
Speaker 1: what we're doing. And I didn't set these boundaries with

710
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:06,040
Speaker 1: the best thing about is that I didn't set these

711
00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:08,880
Speaker 1: boundaries for Codein Codeine and I had a conversation she

712
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:12,000
Speaker 1: set the boundaries for herself because I said to her

713
00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:13,960
Speaker 1: at one point she was you know, there were there

714
00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:16,080
Speaker 1: was a showtime show that was interested in her for

715
00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:20,000
Speaker 1: a lead lead role and she was the love interest

716
00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:22,720
Speaker 1: to the main character and there were sex scenes involved.

717
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:24,960
Speaker 1: And she let me know what she would be interested

718
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:26,719
Speaker 1: in and what she wouldn't be interested in, and This

719
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:30,800
Speaker 1: was right before she had gotten pregnant with Kyro and Cass.

720
00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:34,240
Speaker 1: So she set her own boundaries, and I felt comfortable

721
00:34:34,719 --> 00:34:36,480
Speaker 1: with the boundary. She said, I didn't have to set

722
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:40,040
Speaker 1: no boundaries, and that leads me to having friends of

723
00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:44,239
Speaker 1: the opposite sex. Right, So, once you've already established how

724
00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:46,799
Speaker 1: the person that is gonna be with you was gonna

725
00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:50,080
Speaker 1: be with you unconditionally, it's a lot easier when you're

726
00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:52,879
Speaker 1: getting two matters of the opposite sex because I don't

727
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:55,840
Speaker 1: have to set boundaries on my wife, on my girlfriend,

728
00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:59,960
Speaker 1: she'll set boundaries on herself that she knows what probably

729
00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:03,239
Speaker 1: make me feel uncomfortable, and if something happens, I can

730
00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:06,399
Speaker 1: say to her, this happened, and I feel a little

731
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,600
Speaker 1: bit uncomfortable. That is, what do you think about it?

732
00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:11,320
Speaker 1: And then at that point, if she if I expressed

733
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:14,680
Speaker 1: her that I feel uncomfortable, it's on her to decide

734
00:35:14,840 --> 00:35:17,680
Speaker 1: whether she wants to continue that behavior. If she decides

735
00:35:17,719 --> 00:35:19,719
Speaker 1: she wants to continue that behavior even though what makes

736
00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:22,480
Speaker 1: me uncomfortable, is then on me to decide if I

737
00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:26,520
Speaker 1: want to continue to exist in this relationship. And that's

738
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:30,000
Speaker 1: what I mean about no boundaries. I allow people in

739
00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:33,000
Speaker 1: my life to live the life freely because I can

740
00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:37,240
Speaker 1: always remove myself. I can't then force myself on someone

741
00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:39,560
Speaker 1: and say we're gonna be on this in this relationship

742
00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:42,759
Speaker 1: and you're gonna follow my rules. That to me would

743
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:45,480
Speaker 1: never work, and it won't work either way. The same way,

744
00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:47,200
Speaker 1: I don't want boundaries. I never want to put those

745
00:35:47,239 --> 00:35:49,120
Speaker 1: boundaries on code because then I feel like I'm taking

746
00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:51,440
Speaker 1: away her right to choose as a human how she

747
00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:53,840
Speaker 1: wants to live her life. And it's worked for us. No,

748
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:56,400
Speaker 1: it definitely has worked for us. You know, sometimes talking

749
00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:59,520
Speaker 1: about what you're willing and not willing to accept from

750
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:02,000
Speaker 1: your signals picking other um means that you have to

751
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:05,040
Speaker 1: have really our conversations. You know, it might be difficult,

752
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:08,600
Speaker 1: you know, it's difficult in the terms of like um

753
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,120
Speaker 1: in the short term you think of having that conversation,

754
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:13,560
Speaker 1: but then in the long run it's just so much

755
00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:15,120
Speaker 1: worth so much more worth it. And that's something that

756
00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:18,880
Speaker 1: we've really experienced firsthand. What are some scenarios that you

757
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,400
Speaker 1: can think of, Babe, that we have or maybe if

758
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:23,120
Speaker 1: we give people like a step by step to just

759
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:27,080
Speaker 1: having these conversations, it's very very simple, Like you look

760
00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:29,759
Speaker 1: in my life now I'm on a TV show. I

761
00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:32,440
Speaker 1: have a love interest that the show is called Sisters.

762
00:36:32,920 --> 00:36:36,759
Speaker 1: These are four beautiful women for beautiful women that I'm

763
00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:41,399
Speaker 1: around all the time, all the time. So in order

764
00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:46,000
Speaker 1: to create a sense of comfort between my wife and

765
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:48,520
Speaker 1: these women, but also let her know that there's no

766
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:51,000
Speaker 1: boundaries and that she can feel comfortable within this space,

767
00:36:51,840 --> 00:36:54,880
Speaker 1: the first thing I did was introduce my wife to

768
00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:57,200
Speaker 1: these women. Right, so these are gonna be my friends,

769
00:36:57,280 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 1: my co workers. The worst thing you can do is

770
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:02,560
Speaker 1: ice al the woman you love from the friends that

771
00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:04,480
Speaker 1: are female in your life. That's the worst thing you

772
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:06,160
Speaker 1: can do. That's is my wife, I want to keep

773
00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:07,799
Speaker 1: her away from my friends. If these are yours trying

774
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:12,160
Speaker 1: to keep works strictly separate from it's there's to me

775
00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:15,920
Speaker 1: that causes an issue because then it's like, well, why

776
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:18,000
Speaker 1: are you keeping a separate If these women are going

777
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:19,640
Speaker 1: to be a part of your life and I'm your

778
00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:23,759
Speaker 1: life partner, we should all exist together. So what I

779
00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:26,839
Speaker 1: do deliberately outside of just having the conversation is if

780
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:30,279
Speaker 1: I have any female friends, they know my wife. My

781
00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:32,960
Speaker 1: wife knows them period. The worst thing is when you

782
00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:35,359
Speaker 1: hear anything that you don't know and you'd be like, well, right,

783
00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:38,920
Speaker 1: because then you start to wonder, like why you know

784
00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:41,879
Speaker 1: why it is just kept from me? Right? So then

785
00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:45,640
Speaker 1: on top of that, I allow my not allow, because

786
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:47,840
Speaker 1: I even hate that word, like I allow my wife.

787
00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:51,399
Speaker 1: I include my wife and the decisions that I make

788
00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:56,279
Speaker 1: with my female friends. For example, when we first went

789
00:37:56,480 --> 00:38:01,560
Speaker 1: to Atlanta, Ebony had an issue with her apartment. Yes alright,

790
00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:05,719
Speaker 1: Ebeny is DeVos love interest. She plays Karen. Yes yes,

791
00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:08,400
Speaker 1: And Ebony called me she had issue with her apartment

792
00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:10,719
Speaker 1: and she needed to get picked up. I picked her up.

793
00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:12,920
Speaker 1: At the time, I had two bedrooms, two bathrooms in

794
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,879
Speaker 1: the apartment. The first thing I did was say, kay,

795
00:38:15,120 --> 00:38:17,719
Speaker 1: Eany's having an issue apartment. I'm gonna running pick her up.

796
00:38:17,760 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 1: Emmany is from New York. I run pick Ebany up.

797
00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:23,040
Speaker 1: I called Kay. I'm like, you know, Ebeny was you know, hey,

798
00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:24,600
Speaker 1: you have a wife. I'll get a hotel. I said,

799
00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:27,560
Speaker 1: give me a second. First of all, it's twelve pm,

800
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:30,920
Speaker 1: I mean twelve am, right. Let me call k let

801
00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:33,480
Speaker 1: her know what's going on. If she feels comfortable, then

802
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:36,040
Speaker 1: you can just stay here for the night. I called k.

803
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:38,680
Speaker 1: K was like, yeah, I'm not worried about it. But

804
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:43,400
Speaker 1: that's just an example of how being upfront and transparent

805
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:47,319
Speaker 1: with the situation allows people to move without there being

806
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:50,960
Speaker 1: any issues. And guys, I was not always this mature, okay,

807
00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:53,840
Speaker 1: because Cadine back in two thousand forward to be like,

808
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:56,480
Speaker 1: you want your little friend to stay with you with

809
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:59,160
Speaker 1: your too better apartment? Are you serious? And then you

810
00:38:59,239 --> 00:39:01,480
Speaker 1: would said, you would have said okay, then you would

811
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:03,080
Speaker 1: have got on a plane, and then you would have

812
00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:05,960
Speaker 1: tried to catch us doing something that we weren't doing.

813
00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:08,960
Speaker 1: And you look crazy as hell when you busting the

814
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:11,680
Speaker 1: door and she was sleeping on one side of the

815
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:14,160
Speaker 1: apartment and I was sleeping on the other side of apartment,

816
00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:17,399
Speaker 1: because that's what people do. That's the crazy people. It's

817
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:19,600
Speaker 1: been like a setup, like, yeah, go ahead, let's say that.

818
00:39:19,719 --> 00:39:21,960
Speaker 1: Let's say that. And it wouldn't have just been it

819
00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:24,200
Speaker 1: had been you, and it had been Sophia, and it

820
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:30,520
Speaker 1: had been Sharife you share, everybody really up, and I'd

821
00:39:30,520 --> 00:39:32,960
Speaker 1: have been like, so old father, y'all got on the planet.

822
00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:36,279
Speaker 1: You're you bought it on my credit card and you

823
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:41,560
Speaker 1: on the door. But no, honestly though, and and and

824
00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:43,560
Speaker 1: to be up. But that's a very good situation a

825
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:46,200
Speaker 1: scenario because you figure here you are a married man.

826
00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:49,040
Speaker 1: I'm your wife, Ebony. I've known just because you've worked

827
00:39:49,080 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 1: on a patch project with Love together. Shout out to Love. Yeah,

828
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:54,439
Speaker 1: I know of her, I don't know her well enough

829
00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:57,400
Speaker 1: to say, you know, okay, I'm comfortable per se, but

830
00:39:57,600 --> 00:40:00,319
Speaker 1: understanding being a woman. Knowing this after midnight, you guys

831
00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:02,360
Speaker 1: are working together, I wanted to be less stressful for

832
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:04,920
Speaker 1: you as well. I know that you are have a

833
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:06,560
Speaker 1: huge heart and you're gonna try to help somebody as

834
00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:08,719
Speaker 1: much as you can. So I was just like, all right, cool,

835
00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:10,560
Speaker 1: I'm fine with it. And then she had ended up

836
00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:12,080
Speaker 1: staying with you for like, what was it, a week

837
00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:15,000
Speaker 1: or two until she found another place in the airbnb

838
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:16,880
Speaker 1: spot and it was cool and she was very respectful

839
00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:20,840
Speaker 1: to because she was very very respectful. And the thing is,

840
00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:23,880
Speaker 1: it's also known in your partner, Like, if you know

841
00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:27,520
Speaker 1: your partner, you know you have nothing to worry about.

842
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:30,000
Speaker 1: And that's part of that. If you know your partner,

843
00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:34,120
Speaker 1: you know you're something to worry about, right, And you said,

844
00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:36,359
Speaker 1: you know, I'm not comfortable with that. You know, if

845
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:38,120
Speaker 1: you if you know your partner, You're not not comfortable

846
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:40,239
Speaker 1: with that. For me, I'm at the point in my life,

847
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:42,040
Speaker 1: especially with Codeine, and and to be honest, I was

848
00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:44,560
Speaker 1: always at this point, and Codeine says that she don't

849
00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:47,640
Speaker 1: know how I was here. I was never a phone checker,

850
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:50,440
Speaker 1: I was never an email checker. I was never a

851
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:52,680
Speaker 1: person that ran behind Cone because I've always felt like

852
00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:55,160
Speaker 1: Codeine is going to do what Codeine wants to do.

853
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:59,839
Speaker 1: And also, women are way better at hiding information than men,

854
00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:04,080
Speaker 1: because y'all knowsy okay, And since y'all nosy, y'all know

855
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:06,840
Speaker 1: how to get to get information, you know how to

856
00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:08,960
Speaker 1: get information, you know how to hide it from you.

857
00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:12,279
Speaker 1: I have certain people that will be able to dig

858
00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:15,399
Speaker 1: all the info up just through scrolling through a couple

859
00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:19,200
Speaker 1: of Instagram pages and Google. If y'all really wanted to

860
00:41:19,239 --> 00:41:24,160
Speaker 1: secure cancer, women could cure cancer, right, y'all. Figure, that's

861
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:27,160
Speaker 1: what I call Okay Doherty explorer because she's always been

862
00:41:27,239 --> 00:41:29,840
Speaker 1: this type of person to know everything. I'm just not

863
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:32,360
Speaker 1: like that. I don't. I don't want to snoop. And

864
00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:34,160
Speaker 1: even people ask me, now, do you think they ever

865
00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:37,239
Speaker 1: cheating on you physically? I said, I don't know. It's like,

866
00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:39,040
Speaker 1: what you mean, you don't know? I don't know. Why

867
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:41,839
Speaker 1: don't you know? Because I never investigated to find out,

868
00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:43,800
Speaker 1: and I don't want to know. Whatever happened in the

869
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:47,160
Speaker 1: past happened in the past. We are where we are now.

870
00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:49,279
Speaker 1: We're in a really good space. I'm not going to

871
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:52,919
Speaker 1: continue to look for things because if you look for things,

872
00:41:53,800 --> 00:41:56,239
Speaker 1: you'll find them, And to be honest, I feel like

873
00:41:56,320 --> 00:42:00,440
Speaker 1: that's just exhausting as a person. No, it is. I mean,

874
00:42:00,440 --> 00:42:01,880
Speaker 1: I will admit back in the day I did go

875
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:03,960
Speaker 1: through the vose phone. I had my moments when I

876
00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:06,600
Speaker 1: was just being nosy literally, and it wasn't even necessarily

877
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:08,680
Speaker 1: any one thing that sparked me to do that. I

878
00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:10,320
Speaker 1: didn't feel a kind of way about it. It's just

879
00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:14,520
Speaker 1: I was just being nosy. To be honest, Yeah, what

880
00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:18,160
Speaker 1: happened in our relationship that made you evolve from being

881
00:42:18,239 --> 00:42:22,799
Speaker 1: nosy being in my phone to now being like, I'm

882
00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:24,800
Speaker 1: not gonna have no boundaries for DEVO, do what you

883
00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:27,880
Speaker 1: want to do. Let's see how this goes. Kids and

884
00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:33,400
Speaker 1: time literally having children and not having enough time like

885
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:35,839
Speaker 1: I honestly have come to the point where I feel

886
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:38,680
Speaker 1: like if I had the time that I take to

887
00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:43,600
Speaker 1: invest in looking through your phone, looking through emails, trying

888
00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:46,719
Speaker 1: to connect dots all that. If I invested that time

889
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:49,799
Speaker 1: and something for myself or for my children, or trying

890
00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:53,160
Speaker 1: to advance my career, or to working out or doing

891
00:42:53,239 --> 00:42:56,320
Speaker 1: something more productive with my day, I think I'm mature

892
00:42:56,440 --> 00:42:59,400
Speaker 1: enough in my life where I could feel like this

893
00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:02,960
Speaker 1: is count to productive. It's kind of like negative comments,

894
00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:05,920
Speaker 1: like people who take the time to create like you know,

895
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:10,719
Speaker 1: bogus names online and troll people and negative comments. If

896
00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:14,919
Speaker 1: you invested the time that you've taken to create such

897
00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:19,120
Speaker 1: negativity or to just be so idle, if you took

898
00:43:19,160 --> 00:43:21,680
Speaker 1: that time to invest in yourself, imagine how much farther

899
00:43:21,719 --> 00:43:25,279
Speaker 1: along you'd be. And I think that that was my

900
00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:28,160
Speaker 1: turning point. I really felt like this was counterproductive. I'm

901
00:43:28,160 --> 00:43:31,160
Speaker 1: not getting anywhere with this. This is just creating a

902
00:43:31,239 --> 00:43:33,640
Speaker 1: negative space in a negative environment, and this energy is

903
00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:36,080
Speaker 1: doing nothing for me. Is that doing nothing for us?

904
00:43:36,880 --> 00:43:38,680
Speaker 1: I imagine me sitting here going through your email with

905
00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:41,239
Speaker 1: my children just kind of like hanging around, you know,

906
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:43,239
Speaker 1: not really doing anything, when I could be sitting down

907
00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:46,520
Speaker 1: and like really engaging with them and having quality time

908
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:49,360
Speaker 1: moments that was the turning point for me. I understand that.

909
00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:52,440
Speaker 1: I mean, that's that's that's fair, and it makes a

910
00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:54,160
Speaker 1: lot of sense. But you know what's funny though, right

911
00:43:54,719 --> 00:43:56,560
Speaker 1: when you mentioned all the things you could invest in,

912
00:43:57,080 --> 00:44:00,800
Speaker 1: you didn't mention investing in me. You said yourself, you

913
00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:02,640
Speaker 1: said your career, you said to a kid, you didn't

914
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:04,400
Speaker 1: see me. You know that's an issue for me, right,

915
00:44:04,719 --> 00:44:06,759
Speaker 1: I know, I know you know that's an issue for

916
00:44:07,360 --> 00:44:10,640
Speaker 1: It goes without saying like, I don't know, I don't

917
00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:19,480
Speaker 1: know that this is. This is something that men and

918
00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:23,040
Speaker 1: women don't realize we do. And I think part of

919
00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:25,080
Speaker 1: it has to be chemical because as a mom, you

920
00:44:25,200 --> 00:44:27,800
Speaker 1: have way more responsibility. So I feel like once you

921
00:44:27,920 --> 00:44:31,800
Speaker 1: have kids, you're focused then goes into them, which I

922
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:34,600
Speaker 1: think is it's natural. Like part of the reason why

923
00:44:34,719 --> 00:44:36,520
Speaker 1: I wanted to marry you is because I knew you

924
00:44:36,520 --> 00:44:39,319
Speaker 1: would be a great mom. Right, But I do hear

925
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:41,880
Speaker 1: this a lot from men, is that my wife spends

926
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:44,440
Speaker 1: so much time taking care of herself, take care of

927
00:44:44,440 --> 00:44:46,080
Speaker 1: for kids, to care everything else, that she forgets to

928
00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:50,480
Speaker 1: take care of me. Right, Whereas men feel like I

929
00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:52,360
Speaker 1: always have to make sure that I'm taking care of

930
00:44:52,520 --> 00:44:55,480
Speaker 1: my wife to make sure that she's good. So I

931
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:59,640
Speaker 1: feel like a large part of women sometimes being insecure

932
00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:02,520
Speaker 1: about other women. I think there's a subconscious dare that's like,

933
00:45:03,239 --> 00:45:05,880
Speaker 1: she may know that she's not putting enough time and

934
00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:09,120
Speaker 1: energy into her husband, so she don't want her husband

935
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:11,360
Speaker 1: to find that time somewhere else. And I think that

936
00:45:11,480 --> 00:45:14,080
Speaker 1: that's deep because people don't ever want to say it,

937
00:45:14,640 --> 00:45:18,520
Speaker 1: and they're worried about getting backlash for saying it, but

938
00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:21,279
Speaker 1: it's the truth. So many husbands and so many men

939
00:45:21,400 --> 00:45:23,359
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, my wife is great, my wife

940
00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:25,600
Speaker 1: is she does everything, but I'm always last on the

941
00:45:25,680 --> 00:45:27,560
Speaker 1: total poll. You know what? For me when I just

942
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:29,719
Speaker 1: listed like the things that I could be putting time into.

943
00:45:30,320 --> 00:45:32,880
Speaker 1: The reason why I say myself so much is because

944
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:36,239
Speaker 1: I know that there were a lot of years that

945
00:45:36,560 --> 00:45:40,360
Speaker 1: I was not well. This goes back to me and

946
00:45:40,719 --> 00:45:43,279
Speaker 1: the feelings that I've had that I said before about inadequacy.

947
00:45:43,719 --> 00:45:45,560
Speaker 1: So I feel as though there's been times that I

948
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:49,960
Speaker 1: have not been pulling my weight as much. Um times

949
00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:51,719
Speaker 1: when I feel like I could have been like max

950
00:45:51,800 --> 00:45:55,320
Speaker 1: and out my earning potential or just really like pounding

951
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:58,880
Speaker 1: the pavement to be able to pull and hold up

952
00:45:58,960 --> 00:46:00,320
Speaker 1: to to my end of the bar, and when it

953
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:03,440
Speaker 1: comes to just being for the family, and there's a

954
00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:05,160
Speaker 1: lot of times that I haven't done that I feel

955
00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:07,360
Speaker 1: like I've fallen short, and that just maybe maybe me.

956
00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:09,239
Speaker 1: I know that I contribute in other ways in terms

957
00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:11,560
Speaker 1: of just like rearing the children and keeping house together

958
00:46:11,600 --> 00:46:13,319
Speaker 1: and looking after things, but I know I'm very hard

959
00:46:13,320 --> 00:46:14,920
Speaker 1: on myself and that I feel like there's moments where

960
00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:17,839
Speaker 1: I've I've lacked in that department. So when I did

961
00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:20,120
Speaker 1: say I have, I can be using that time to

962
00:46:20,239 --> 00:46:22,400
Speaker 1: pour into myself. It's really just to make myself a

963
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:25,399
Speaker 1: better person, because I feel like you're such a great

964
00:46:25,480 --> 00:46:27,440
Speaker 1: human being, and there's times where I felt like I've

965
00:46:27,480 --> 00:46:30,400
Speaker 1: been faltering in comparison to what you've been able to provide.

966
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:33,600
Speaker 1: So do you feel like because you felt subconsciously that

967
00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:37,000
Speaker 1: there was an insecurity that you weren't stacking up when

968
00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:38,719
Speaker 1: other women came around, did you feel like I was

969
00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:42,759
Speaker 1: trying to feel that void? And absolutely, I think that

970
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:46,560
Speaker 1: that's important to talk about because for me, I think

971
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,520
Speaker 1: it was the opposite part of the reason why I

972
00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:52,239
Speaker 1: never worried about you cheating, whether it happened or not,

973
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:54,560
Speaker 1: was I always knew that I was pouring a thousand

974
00:46:54,600 --> 00:46:57,480
Speaker 1: percent into my my woman. So for me, it was like,

975
00:46:57,520 --> 00:46:59,680
Speaker 1: if I'm pouring into my woman, I'm not worried about

976
00:46:59,719 --> 00:47:01,680
Speaker 1: going New World because I know what I'm doing. If

977
00:47:01,719 --> 00:47:03,600
Speaker 1: I find out where it happens that she goes somewhere

978
00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:05,880
Speaker 1: else than she wasn't the woman for me, and she

979
00:47:06,080 --> 00:47:07,759
Speaker 1: just you know, she just didn't want to be here.

980
00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:11,000
Speaker 1: So for me, I didn't have that insecurity to be

981
00:47:11,080 --> 00:47:14,680
Speaker 1: worried about you with other dudes. You understand what I'm saying,

982
00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:16,960
Speaker 1: And I feel like that's something that should be spoken

983
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:19,520
Speaker 1: about in relationships that people don't. Women have a lot

984
00:47:19,600 --> 00:47:22,840
Speaker 1: to deal with all the time. I never and I

985
00:47:22,920 --> 00:47:24,640
Speaker 1: just said, I made a post about this on Instagram.

986
00:47:24,760 --> 00:47:26,840
Speaker 1: I in my life have never had to stop my

987
00:47:27,000 --> 00:47:31,000
Speaker 1: career to have children. I never in my life had

988
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:35,240
Speaker 1: to stop my career or not just just gain weights

989
00:47:35,360 --> 00:47:37,279
Speaker 1: to make sure that I could have kids. These are

990
00:47:37,360 --> 00:47:40,920
Speaker 1: things that men never have to focus on. So because

991
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:43,759
Speaker 1: I never have to focus on that, I'm on autopilot

992
00:47:43,800 --> 00:47:45,160
Speaker 1: when it comes to going to the gym. I'm on

993
00:47:45,200 --> 00:47:47,520
Speaker 1: autopilot when it comes to work. Is I'm gonna autopilot

994
00:47:47,560 --> 00:47:50,000
Speaker 1: with certain things. So since I'm on autopilot, I can

995
00:47:50,080 --> 00:47:52,919
Speaker 1: really focus on making sure my wife is happy because

996
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:55,480
Speaker 1: these things that I've never had to reset, you as

997
00:47:55,560 --> 00:47:58,360
Speaker 1: a woman, have had to reset because you had kids,

998
00:47:59,560 --> 00:48:01,600
Speaker 1: And I get saying you know that leads me back

999
00:48:01,640 --> 00:48:04,840
Speaker 1: to feeling like, damn insecurity. I'm just yeah, the insecurity

1000
00:48:04,920 --> 00:48:06,879
Speaker 1: is the inadequacy is like feeling like I can't match

1001
00:48:07,000 --> 00:48:08,839
Speaker 1: up or I can't keep up with you because you're

1002
00:48:08,840 --> 00:48:10,759
Speaker 1: always like go go, go, go go. And it's never

1003
00:48:10,840 --> 00:48:13,520
Speaker 1: me trying to discredit what you do as a provider

1004
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,960
Speaker 1: or what you do um for you know, for the

1005
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:18,239
Speaker 1: family or with your career, in the advancements you've made

1006
00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:20,719
Speaker 1: with your career, Like all of that I'm super happy about.

1007
00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:22,560
Speaker 1: And that's I feel like I'm able to hold down

1008
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:24,560
Speaker 1: the four in a sense so that when you don't

1009
00:48:24,560 --> 00:48:26,279
Speaker 1: have to worry about that stuff on the back end.

1010
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:28,759
Speaker 1: But in the same breath, I'm like the time, like

1011
00:48:28,800 --> 00:48:31,160
Speaker 1: I said that, I was spent just like doing negative ship,

1012
00:48:31,280 --> 00:48:33,839
Speaker 1: I could just be put back into myself and then

1013
00:48:34,360 --> 00:48:36,680
Speaker 1: being able to match up two questions, what you've been doing.

1014
00:48:36,800 --> 00:48:38,919
Speaker 1: Will you say that there was nothing that I could

1015
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:42,680
Speaker 1: do to make your insecurities go away is something you

1016
00:48:42,760 --> 00:48:44,600
Speaker 1: had to discover on your own, that was told you

1017
00:48:44,640 --> 00:48:47,560
Speaker 1: self discovery. So then that's another reason for me to

1018
00:48:47,600 --> 00:48:49,400
Speaker 1: feel like there's no boundaries you should ever put on

1019
00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:52,400
Speaker 1: anything if there's nothing I can do to make you happy.

1020
00:48:52,760 --> 00:48:54,960
Speaker 1: And I made another Instagram at post about this. You

1021
00:48:55,040 --> 00:48:57,480
Speaker 1: can make a woman mad, it's easy to make a

1022
00:48:57,560 --> 00:49:01,120
Speaker 1: woman mad. You cannot make a woman happy unless she

1023
00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:05,680
Speaker 1: already has happiness within herself period period. And I feel

1024
00:49:05,719 --> 00:49:09,640
Speaker 1: like there's different pressures on women than they are on men,

1025
00:49:09,760 --> 00:49:13,360
Speaker 1: especially when it comes to beauty and looks and how

1026
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:15,720
Speaker 1: you're supposed to keep it. There's definitely a different pressure

1027
00:49:15,760 --> 00:49:18,759
Speaker 1: there that I can understand why it's easy. It's a

1028
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:20,840
Speaker 1: lot more easier for a woman to feel insecure with

1029
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:24,520
Speaker 1: other women around. But what does help you know, in

1030
00:49:24,600 --> 00:49:27,120
Speaker 1: addition to all that, though it's not something that you

1031
00:49:27,239 --> 00:49:29,719
Speaker 1: can do for me, what's always made me feel a

1032
00:49:29,719 --> 00:49:33,120
Speaker 1: little bit more comfortable, whether it was mean while I

1033
00:49:33,200 --> 00:49:35,920
Speaker 1: was pregnant, post pregnancy, you always made me feel as

1034
00:49:35,960 --> 00:49:37,600
Speaker 1: if I was the most beautiful woman in the world.

1035
00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:41,040
Speaker 1: And those things, to me, you're just a little figure,

1036
00:49:41,120 --> 00:49:44,200
Speaker 1: But I like that. Yeah, But those little those little

1037
00:49:44,280 --> 00:49:46,359
Speaker 1: moments and those little times that you've taken to kind

1038
00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:49,239
Speaker 1: of reassure me that you were still in love with me,

1039
00:49:49,360 --> 00:49:52,120
Speaker 1: and whatever state I was in, it helped with the

1040
00:49:52,200 --> 00:49:55,160
Speaker 1: process of me you know, kind of kind of lessening

1041
00:49:55,200 --> 00:49:57,640
Speaker 1: the blow of those insecurities. But you know, until I

1042
00:49:57,719 --> 00:50:00,160
Speaker 1: was ready to see that for myself, it is no

1043
00:50:00,239 --> 00:50:02,360
Speaker 1: getting past that. You know, I'm saying absolutely. I mean,

1044
00:50:02,440 --> 00:50:05,799
Speaker 1: we covered some taboo topics this season, um, but when

1045
00:50:05,840 --> 00:50:10,200
Speaker 1: it really comes down to like boundaries, I think boundaries

1046
00:50:10,239 --> 00:50:13,239
Speaker 1: helps to set the tone, expectations, foundations for like what

1047
00:50:13,400 --> 00:50:16,320
Speaker 1: you and your partner are willing to work through together

1048
00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:19,200
Speaker 1: based on individual needs, like on the on the grand

1049
00:50:19,239 --> 00:50:21,080
Speaker 1: scheme of things, That's what the boundary is, right. You

1050
00:50:21,280 --> 00:50:22,880
Speaker 1: kind of set those out there so you know, Okay,

1051
00:50:22,960 --> 00:50:24,840
Speaker 1: this is something I will tolerate. I won't you know

1052
00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:27,120
Speaker 1: when you go from there. So boundaries are like budgets,

1053
00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:29,720
Speaker 1: but you hate budgets, right, Budgets are made to be broken,

1054
00:50:30,080 --> 00:50:32,200
Speaker 1: So boundaries are made to be broken. See what I'm

1055
00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:36,560
Speaker 1: saying that that's just for us though, or you know what,

1056
00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:38,680
Speaker 1: so the boundaries aren't broken, we just don't make them

1057
00:50:38,719 --> 00:50:42,400
Speaker 1: at all. How about that? How about that? How how

1058
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:47,160
Speaker 1: women specifically k like to justify her behavior might just

1059
00:50:47,320 --> 00:50:51,640
Speaker 1: changing things around. You're good at moving the go post well.

1060
00:50:51,719 --> 00:50:54,040
Speaker 1: Through this discovery, you know what I realized, The only

1061
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:56,360
Speaker 1: way you can exist in a relationship with no boundaries

1062
00:50:56,840 --> 00:50:59,640
Speaker 1: is if you unlock the happiness in yourself. That's period

1063
00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:01,879
Speaker 1: when it is down to once you've become so happy

1064
00:51:01,960 --> 00:51:04,840
Speaker 1: and so peaceful within yourself that you understand that the

1065
00:51:04,880 --> 00:51:07,320
Speaker 1: person that's with me is choosing me because of me.

1066
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:10,200
Speaker 1: Until you find that, you will never be able to

1067
00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:14,399
Speaker 1: exist in a relationship. So true. I think about our relationship, yeah,

1068
00:51:14,520 --> 00:51:17,239
Speaker 1: and just our relationship, and just in terms of other

1069
00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:20,360
Speaker 1: people's relationships, friends who have access for advice or just

1070
00:51:20,520 --> 00:51:23,120
Speaker 1: come to us. I think everything at the root of

1071
00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:25,879
Speaker 1: it was either one person or both people not being

1072
00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:29,799
Speaker 1: happy with themselves. And that is so true. We'll ship man.

1073
00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:33,279
Speaker 1: That's a that's a lot to take in. We've also

1074
00:51:33,280 --> 00:51:36,879
Speaker 1: found some discovery while talking through this, but we'll be back.

1075
00:51:36,920 --> 00:51:38,759
Speaker 1: We actually have to take a quick break and move

1076
00:51:38,800 --> 00:51:40,920
Speaker 1: into some listener letters when we get back, but first

1077
00:51:41,239 --> 00:51:43,560
Speaker 1: we have to do some ads, so we'll be right back.

1078
00:51:50,600 --> 00:51:58,960
Speaker 1: This for the record, there it is. Tiger Woods is

1079
00:51:59,000 --> 00:52:02,800
Speaker 1: one of our most inspiring sports icons in his story.

1080
00:52:03,560 --> 00:52:07,279
Speaker 1: It comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry from

1081
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:13,080
Speaker 1: my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the

1082
00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:20,240
Speaker 1: return to glory. This is All American, a new series

1083
00:52:20,320 --> 00:52:24,160
Speaker 1: from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realize Tiger

1084
00:52:24,200 --> 00:52:26,960
Speaker 1: Wis doesn't know who he is best in the history

1085
00:52:27,000 --> 00:52:31,520
Speaker 1: of GLF, no question in my mind. And this season,

1086
00:52:31,840 --> 00:52:35,759
Speaker 1: with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what

1087
00:52:35,920 --> 00:52:38,960
Speaker 1: if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has

1088
00:52:39,000 --> 00:52:44,560
Speaker 1: been telling, what if it's been completely wrong? All American

1089
00:52:44,719 --> 00:52:48,040
Speaker 1: Tiger is out now listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts or

1090
00:52:48,080 --> 00:52:56,360
Speaker 1: your favorite podcast app. Alright, we're back, and what we

1091
00:52:56,440 --> 00:52:58,279
Speaker 1: did we this time around for listening to is we

1092
00:52:58,360 --> 00:53:01,919
Speaker 1: actually pulled some scenarios from the letters that you guys

1093
00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:03,600
Speaker 1: have been sending in which we thank you so much

1094
00:53:03,600 --> 00:53:05,800
Speaker 1: for doing that. Your emails have been so loaded and

1095
00:53:05,960 --> 00:53:15,200
Speaker 1: so juicy with all the DEAs shut up. That being said,

1096
00:53:16,840 --> 00:53:18,680
Speaker 1: So that being said, yeah, we have some scenarios that

1097
00:53:18,719 --> 00:53:20,800
Speaker 1: we pulled from and we were going to try to

1098
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:22,640
Speaker 1: hash them out and just give us give our you know,

1099
00:53:22,960 --> 00:53:27,839
Speaker 1: little viewpoints on these. So the first scenario is your

1100
00:53:27,880 --> 00:53:30,680
Speaker 1: spouse started a new job and sparked a friendship with

1101
00:53:30,800 --> 00:53:33,480
Speaker 1: someone of the opposite sex. You're starting to feel some

1102
00:53:33,560 --> 00:53:36,120
Speaker 1: type of way about it. How do you bring this

1103
00:53:36,320 --> 00:53:39,200
Speaker 1: up to your partner? Can your spouse be friends with

1104
00:53:39,280 --> 00:53:42,800
Speaker 1: someone of the opposite sex? What is a healthy boundary

1105
00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:46,080
Speaker 1: or expectation? What do some beliefs you hold about being

1106
00:53:46,160 --> 00:53:49,200
Speaker 1: friends with the opposite sex. I think we kind of

1107
00:53:49,239 --> 00:53:50,680
Speaker 1: spoke about this a little bit, did, but this is

1108
00:53:50,760 --> 00:53:53,319
Speaker 1: very common though. People meet friends of the opposite sex

1109
00:53:53,360 --> 00:53:57,120
Speaker 1: at work all the time. It's inevitable. It's inevitable. Ye,

1110
00:53:58,320 --> 00:54:00,440
Speaker 1: Like we gave the scenario about val work now with

1111
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:04,120
Speaker 1: someone on camera. I think a healthy way to go

1112
00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:06,759
Speaker 1: about it and a respectful way to go upbout it.

1113
00:54:07,080 --> 00:54:09,560
Speaker 1: If I had an issue with it, um was making

1114
00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:12,960
Speaker 1: sure that my significant other No, okay, I see you

1115
00:54:13,040 --> 00:54:15,319
Speaker 1: getting a little chummy with this female on the job.

1116
00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:17,400
Speaker 1: You know, is it cool if we can all go

1117
00:54:17,480 --> 00:54:20,440
Speaker 1: out for drinks one day or you know what I mean?

1118
00:54:20,480 --> 00:54:22,719
Speaker 1: Because this is someone that you know, you have your

1119
00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:25,040
Speaker 1: significant other has to work with, and there's no way

1120
00:54:25,080 --> 00:54:28,319
Speaker 1: around that. I believe in the person having a healthy

1121
00:54:28,360 --> 00:54:31,280
Speaker 1: work environment as well, and you can't create a toxic

1122
00:54:31,360 --> 00:54:34,680
Speaker 1: work environment for them, because hey, that's their job be

1123
00:54:35,080 --> 00:54:37,719
Speaker 1: this other person. The other coworker has no idea and

1124
00:54:37,760 --> 00:54:39,600
Speaker 1: should not be privy to what's going on in your

1125
00:54:39,640 --> 00:54:42,600
Speaker 1: relationship and your own insecurities. Insecurities because that in turn

1126
00:54:42,880 --> 00:54:45,759
Speaker 1: makes you look petty and super insecure. So having that

1127
00:54:45,840 --> 00:54:48,600
Speaker 1: conversation with your significant other saying hey, you know, I

1128
00:54:48,680 --> 00:54:50,560
Speaker 1: know you have to have this relationship at work. You know,

1129
00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:52,560
Speaker 1: I want you to be successful in your work environment.

1130
00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:54,319
Speaker 1: It's a cool if we all just hang out one day,

1131
00:54:54,400 --> 00:54:57,720
Speaker 1: or hey, let's just invite such and such over for drinks,

1132
00:54:57,800 --> 00:54:59,839
Speaker 1: your coworkers and making a thing where everyone can get

1133
00:54:59,840 --> 00:55:01,839
Speaker 1: to other, an environment where you can just chill, kick

1134
00:55:01,880 --> 00:55:04,600
Speaker 1: back and talk, just so the introduction is made and

1135
00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:08,279
Speaker 1: that way, in turn, she feels more comfortable with the

1136
00:55:08,360 --> 00:55:12,080
Speaker 1: coworker and her spouse or significant other. I agree, So

1137
00:55:12,200 --> 00:55:14,239
Speaker 1: pretty much what you're doing is you're making a safe

1138
00:55:14,280 --> 00:55:16,480
Speaker 1: space for all of y'all to be friends, which I

1139
00:55:16,680 --> 00:55:19,040
Speaker 1: agree with. And um, they asked what is a healthy

1140
00:55:19,120 --> 00:55:22,600
Speaker 1: boundary or expectation? A healthy boundary expectation is a friend

1141
00:55:22,680 --> 00:55:24,399
Speaker 1: of my spouse is going to be a friend of mine.

1142
00:55:24,880 --> 00:55:27,719
Speaker 1: So if there's a reason why you don't want your

1143
00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:32,360
Speaker 1: work wife or your real wife to be friends. Something

1144
00:55:32,440 --> 00:55:34,839
Speaker 1: seems a little odd, right, And it doesn't necessarily even

1145
00:55:34,880 --> 00:55:37,839
Speaker 1: have to be a chummy chummy like relationship with hanging

1146
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:40,120
Speaker 1: out all the time, but for there to be a

1147
00:55:40,239 --> 00:55:43,440
Speaker 1: level of familiarity there um and then also there'll be

1148
00:55:43,440 --> 00:55:46,400
Speaker 1: a level of respect. I think that being upfront about

1149
00:55:46,440 --> 00:55:51,040
Speaker 1: that from jump transparency, it's just supers Yes, I think

1150
00:55:51,080 --> 00:55:54,680
Speaker 1: transparency expectations would be that if you guys are becoming friends,

1151
00:55:54,719 --> 00:55:56,879
Speaker 1: that they would be friends with your life partner as well.

1152
00:55:57,280 --> 00:56:01,560
Speaker 1: That's a healthy expectation, you know. Now, are you expected

1153
00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:04,640
Speaker 1: to every time y'all go to lunch to be FaceTime?

1154
00:56:04,680 --> 00:56:07,000
Speaker 1: Then no, I think that that's a little bit a

1155
00:56:07,040 --> 00:56:08,719
Speaker 1: little bit much. But it's like, hey, I know I'm

1156
00:56:08,719 --> 00:56:10,440
Speaker 1: aware of this person. It's not that big a deal.

1157
00:56:10,480 --> 00:56:12,560
Speaker 1: But like I said, if you know your partner and

1158
00:56:12,680 --> 00:56:14,279
Speaker 1: you know that they're making a choice to be with

1159
00:56:14,320 --> 00:56:16,120
Speaker 1: you every day, you really have nothing to worry about.

1160
00:56:16,280 --> 00:56:18,279
Speaker 1: And if you do have something to worry about, that's

1161
00:56:18,280 --> 00:56:23,279
Speaker 1: the conversation though, that that's something to do with y'all

1162
00:56:23,320 --> 00:56:24,640
Speaker 1: to right, and just don't make it a thing where

1163
00:56:24,640 --> 00:56:28,160
Speaker 1: you're now making it uncomfortable for the workspace that your

1164
00:56:28,200 --> 00:56:31,520
Speaker 1: significant is other in, and that coworker absolutely, because then

1165
00:56:31,560 --> 00:56:33,880
Speaker 1: that distracts on whatever they're supposed to be doing. Network anyway,

1166
00:56:34,080 --> 00:56:36,120
Speaker 1: and I'm sure you want your husband or your wife

1167
00:56:36,160 --> 00:56:38,080
Speaker 1: to be out there making the coins and bringing them home.

1168
00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:43,480
Speaker 1: Do not interfere with the bag being made. Scenario number two.

1169
00:56:43,560 --> 00:56:46,240
Speaker 1: For the past month, you've been looking after the kids,

1170
00:56:46,520 --> 00:56:49,040
Speaker 1: cooking dinner, and washing the dishes while your significant other

1171
00:56:49,120 --> 00:56:52,200
Speaker 1: relaxes and watches TV. You're getting tired of doing all

1172
00:56:52,280 --> 00:56:55,160
Speaker 1: the chores. How do you establish a new ground rule

1173
00:56:55,280 --> 00:57:00,480
Speaker 1: about splitting household responsibilities to the petty me would want

1174
00:57:00,480 --> 00:57:01,719
Speaker 1: to just sit back and not do any of it.

1175
00:57:01,800 --> 00:57:03,440
Speaker 1: So we're all just sitting there looking at each other,

1176
00:57:03,840 --> 00:57:06,200
Speaker 1: and after a while it's like, oh, these dishes isn't

1177
00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:08,799
Speaker 1: getting washed. I watched my parents do be starving, they

1178
00:57:08,840 --> 00:57:11,120
Speaker 1: don't work, Laundry is piling up, the kids look a

1179
00:57:11,200 --> 00:57:14,080
Speaker 1: mess at some point if somebody gonna but they don't work.

1180
00:57:14,160 --> 00:57:16,600
Speaker 1: I watched my parents do that. Really, you didn't tell

1181
00:57:16,640 --> 00:57:18,160
Speaker 1: me about a couple of times that happened. I tell

1182
00:57:18,160 --> 00:57:20,040
Speaker 1: you one time in particular, my father used to always

1183
00:57:20,040 --> 00:57:22,960
Speaker 1: do the laundry, and my mother never does laundry, and

1184
00:57:23,000 --> 00:57:24,920
Speaker 1: my father used to cook a lot. So after my

1185
00:57:24,960 --> 00:57:27,200
Speaker 1: father won't strike, I'm gonna stuke, I'm not doing nothing,

1186
00:57:27,880 --> 00:57:29,760
Speaker 1: what you mean? So I go in the basement and

1187
00:57:29,840 --> 00:57:32,720
Speaker 1: they'd be laundry piled up in my father laundry. And

1188
00:57:32,760 --> 00:57:34,280
Speaker 1: this is when I was in college. My father would

1189
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:36,200
Speaker 1: be like, but you're going to watch clothes. I'm like, yeah,

1190
00:57:36,200 --> 00:57:37,640
Speaker 1: he can you throw a couple of my underwear in there?

1191
00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:40,960
Speaker 1: I'm like, yo, what is going on in here? Like

1192
00:57:41,120 --> 00:57:44,280
Speaker 1: y'all like you're having to stand laundry standoff? Like really,

1193
00:57:44,840 --> 00:57:48,000
Speaker 1: you're not too old for this. And I'm telling to

1194
00:57:48,280 --> 00:57:51,720
Speaker 1: I watched, I'm gonna do. I got another job too,

1195
00:57:51,800 --> 00:57:54,640
Speaker 1: I worked too. And my mother, my mother don't be

1196
00:57:54,680 --> 00:57:57,400
Speaker 1: giving it ship. My mother will sit down there and

1197
00:57:57,480 --> 00:58:02,440
Speaker 1: not kids like to have a secret stash of underwear

1198
00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:04,280
Speaker 1: where she's like you know what, she probably like you

1199
00:58:04,320 --> 00:58:06,560
Speaker 1: should probably go buy underwear every week and not telling

1200
00:58:06,600 --> 00:58:09,360
Speaker 1: nobody because you know you're mad petty. And remember when

1201
00:58:09,680 --> 00:58:11,760
Speaker 1: remember with the toilet paper situation. I don't know if

1202
00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:14,640
Speaker 1: you know about this toilet paper situation, but me and

1203
00:58:14,760 --> 00:58:17,920
Speaker 1: Condeine were having a petty war, right and having a

1204
00:58:17,960 --> 00:58:21,600
Speaker 1: petty war. We were arguing about budgets and I said, yo,

1205
00:58:21,840 --> 00:58:24,960
Speaker 1: you spend too much money on everything, like like at

1206
00:58:25,000 --> 00:58:26,760
Speaker 1: one point we went to talk. You brought mad toilet

1207
00:58:26,800 --> 00:58:28,680
Speaker 1: paper and she's like, fine, I'll cut back. I'll come

1208
00:58:28,720 --> 00:58:30,040
Speaker 1: back to you want me to cut back, I'll cut

1209
00:58:30,040 --> 00:58:32,600
Speaker 1: back on target runs. So she went and she bought

1210
00:58:32,640 --> 00:58:36,280
Speaker 1: one pot toilet paper. So I'm like, you buy one

1211
00:58:36,360 --> 00:58:39,320
Speaker 1: plot toilet paper, Like that's messed up, but whatever, I

1212
00:58:39,400 --> 00:58:41,040
Speaker 1: get it. You want to do this thing. So I'm

1213
00:58:41,080 --> 00:58:43,480
Speaker 1: wiping my butt with the one plot. It's hurting, you know,

1214
00:58:43,600 --> 00:58:48,840
Speaker 1: my booty saw and stuff. I got, where's the kids? Like,

1215
00:58:48,960 --> 00:58:50,920
Speaker 1: I'm saving money on toilet paper, but now I got

1216
00:58:51,000 --> 00:58:54,280
Speaker 1: to buy more. But now I go on her closet

1217
00:58:54,280 --> 00:58:56,120
Speaker 1: and it's how petty she is. I go on closet

1218
00:58:56,840 --> 00:58:59,520
Speaker 1: and she got the charming in the closet. She got

1219
00:58:59,600 --> 00:59:03,800
Speaker 1: this expensive toilet paper she's talking about. She saved this

1220
00:59:03,920 --> 00:59:06,320
Speaker 1: from before. So she ain't buying a new toilet paper.

1221
00:59:06,560 --> 00:59:08,560
Speaker 1: She just ain't put the old toilet paper out she

1222
00:59:08,680 --> 00:59:11,680
Speaker 1: saved in her closet. I was like, Yo, you mad

1223
00:59:11,920 --> 00:59:15,320
Speaker 1: petty son, you mad petty, you gonna have the sharman

1224
00:59:15,520 --> 00:59:22,160
Speaker 1: It was with the oint mean, while I'm using cardboard

1225
00:59:22,520 --> 00:59:24,520
Speaker 1: to wipe my butt, and I remember my mom came

1226
00:59:24,560 --> 00:59:26,480
Speaker 1: by the house, so she was like, who bought this

1227
00:59:26,600 --> 00:59:29,120
Speaker 1: toilet tissue? I went to use the bathroom in my

1228
00:59:29,200 --> 00:59:33,720
Speaker 1: hand just buster thessue like that talking about a roll.

1229
00:59:35,640 --> 00:59:40,400
Speaker 1: He wasn't rolling. So what are you doing this scenario?

1230
00:59:41,280 --> 00:59:43,520
Speaker 1: What are you doing the scenario? Right? You do what

1231
00:59:43,600 --> 00:59:45,840
Speaker 1: I do. Establish the ground rule. You sit down and

1232
00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:48,960
Speaker 1: say y yo, you sit down and say listen, listen right,

1233
00:59:49,200 --> 00:59:51,720
Speaker 1: I've been washing dishes, mad Tom's I'm tired of washing

1234
00:59:51,760 --> 00:59:53,760
Speaker 1: the dishes. All right, We're gonna have to split this

1235
00:59:53,840 --> 00:59:56,080
Speaker 1: up because it's just not it's impossible. It's not fair,

1236
00:59:56,160 --> 00:59:58,840
Speaker 1: it's impossible. I mean we we've realized that now too.

1237
00:59:58,960 --> 01:00:00,640
Speaker 1: Sometimes that I was like the four when we had

1238
01:00:00,720 --> 01:00:02,000
Speaker 1: just one child, it was easy for me to like

1239
01:00:02,040 --> 01:00:04,400
Speaker 1: whip up being really quick, then do badtime with Jackson,

1240
01:00:04,400 --> 01:00:07,040
Speaker 1: get him dressed while being at work all day. You know,

1241
01:00:07,120 --> 01:00:08,600
Speaker 1: I know that he had a hard day, so I'll

1242
01:00:08,600 --> 01:00:09,840
Speaker 1: be like, you know what, I'll take care of that.

1243
01:00:10,200 --> 01:00:12,640
Speaker 1: But once two or three kids roll around, and it's

1244
01:00:12,640 --> 01:00:14,560
Speaker 1: like dinner for everybody, half the dinners on the floor,

1245
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:17,160
Speaker 1: it's a lot. So it's like, all right, I'm gonna cook,

1246
01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:19,240
Speaker 1: I'll clean the kitchen, you get the kids ready. You

1247
01:00:19,360 --> 01:00:21,840
Speaker 1: have to divvy up the work like it's impossible, And

1248
01:00:22,000 --> 01:00:24,040
Speaker 1: I mean it's impossible. I don't think it's a boundary thing.

1249
01:00:24,360 --> 01:00:26,160
Speaker 1: But what happens is is people don't want to be

1250
01:00:26,320 --> 01:00:29,760
Speaker 1: nags number one, number two. I hear people say this

1251
01:00:29,840 --> 01:00:33,200
Speaker 1: all the time. I want my significant other to see

1252
01:00:33,280 --> 01:00:36,640
Speaker 1: me struggling and just want to help. Sometimes they don't

1253
01:00:36,680 --> 01:00:44,120
Speaker 1: see you struggling. You gotta say something mind like people don't.

1254
01:00:44,720 --> 01:00:47,400
Speaker 1: I now have to vocalize, did can you please help

1255
01:00:47,440 --> 01:00:50,120
Speaker 1: me get all three children ready? You know what I mean?

1256
01:00:50,520 --> 01:00:54,360
Speaker 1: Literally about in his own world, keeping his own world?

1257
01:00:54,520 --> 01:00:55,919
Speaker 1: Did I was sitting in the toilet with his phone

1258
01:00:55,920 --> 01:01:00,640
Speaker 1: for thirty minutes, that's only minutes. Said I'm like, you know,

1259
01:01:00,720 --> 01:01:02,200
Speaker 1: we got somewhere to go, and we have all these

1260
01:01:02,280 --> 01:01:04,440
Speaker 1: kids to get dressed. And here's here's another reason why.

1261
01:01:04,600 --> 01:01:07,560
Speaker 1: Right as you naturally go through your progression of life,

1262
01:01:07,800 --> 01:01:11,240
Speaker 1: certain people take on certain responsibilities. Right, So getting the

1263
01:01:11,360 --> 01:01:15,120
Speaker 1: kids ready was one of the responsibilities that Codeine took on.

1264
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:19,000
Speaker 1: I have other responsibilities, so I feel like she has

1265
01:01:19,040 --> 01:01:21,920
Speaker 1: hers I have mine. I'm not saying anything when I'm

1266
01:01:22,000 --> 01:01:24,000
Speaker 1: chilling because I feel like that's her responsibility. I don't

1267
01:01:24,000 --> 01:01:25,960
Speaker 1: know she's getting overwhelmed, because when I take care of

1268
01:01:26,040 --> 01:01:28,320
Speaker 1: my responsibilities, I don't ask for no help until I

1269
01:01:28,360 --> 01:01:29,600
Speaker 1: get to the car. And he'd be like, why your

1270
01:01:29,640 --> 01:01:32,440
Speaker 1: online of crooked? Why you only got on one eyelash?

1271
01:01:33,160 --> 01:01:35,320
Speaker 1: Why half your head flat ironed? Oh? Develop because I

1272
01:01:35,360 --> 01:01:36,840
Speaker 1: was getting all the kids ready and I couldn't get

1273
01:01:36,840 --> 01:01:38,520
Speaker 1: the rest of myself ready. So don't even look at

1274
01:01:38,520 --> 01:01:44,720
Speaker 1: me and ask me why my eyeliner is crooked? Right now? Anyway,

1275
01:01:45,480 --> 01:01:48,959
Speaker 1: real quickly, scenario number three. You've dipped into your shared

1276
01:01:49,000 --> 01:01:54,880
Speaker 1: bank account for a little online shopping because I was

1277
01:01:54,880 --> 01:01:58,080
Speaker 1: probably buying your ass and more underwear. Anyway, you've dipped

1278
01:01:58,080 --> 01:02:00,400
Speaker 1: into your shared bank account for a little online shopping.

1279
01:02:00,760 --> 01:02:03,400
Speaker 1: When you splurge one too many times, do you tell

1280
01:02:03,480 --> 01:02:06,000
Speaker 1: your spouse or hope that they won't notice. If your

1281
01:02:06,040 --> 01:02:08,360
Speaker 1: spouse is the valve, They're gonna notice because they got

1282
01:02:08,400 --> 01:02:14,760
Speaker 1: the alert to their phone before you even fully click pay, confirmed, Submit,

1283
01:02:14,880 --> 01:02:16,960
Speaker 1: whatever the button is. Deval's gonna be like, did you

1284
01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:18,720
Speaker 1: just spend x y z on x y z and

1285
01:02:18,760 --> 01:02:21,440
Speaker 1: I'd be like, yes, because I got the alert to

1286
01:02:21,520 --> 01:02:23,880
Speaker 1: my phone. Let me tell you. So there's no if

1287
01:02:23,920 --> 01:02:27,080
Speaker 1: there a go ahead, go ahead finished No. I was

1288
01:02:27,080 --> 01:02:28,880
Speaker 1: just gonna say so if if the person is anything

1289
01:02:28,960 --> 01:02:30,920
Speaker 1: like de Vot, they it's not gonna get past them.

1290
01:02:31,360 --> 01:02:34,680
Speaker 1: It's not gonna get past them. So you hear how

1291
01:02:35,240 --> 01:02:39,760
Speaker 1: Codinas door the explorer, right, you could call me door

1292
01:02:39,840 --> 01:02:42,880
Speaker 1: read the explore red because when it comes to the

1293
01:02:43,000 --> 01:02:48,360
Speaker 1: finances inspector, gadget I missed that cartoon sidebar. She'll call me,

1294
01:02:48,480 --> 01:02:50,800
Speaker 1: She'll I'll call her. I'll be like, yo, use that Starbucks.

1295
01:02:51,600 --> 01:02:53,120
Speaker 1: She was like, yeah, I said, you spent thirty two

1296
01:02:53,120 --> 01:02:55,600
Speaker 1: dollars coffee. What kind of coffee did you have? They called,

1297
01:02:56,360 --> 01:02:57,840
Speaker 1: and she's like, no, I didn't have this coffee head.

1298
01:02:57,880 --> 01:02:59,720
Speaker 1: So I said, I'm just making sure because in this

1299
01:02:59,840 --> 01:03:02,360
Speaker 1: day a fraud, I don't want anyone to ever get

1300
01:03:02,400 --> 01:03:04,520
Speaker 1: my card and start racking up a lot of charges.

1301
01:03:04,600 --> 01:03:08,200
Speaker 1: That always blames me on fraud. It's real. Fraud is real,

1302
01:03:08,280 --> 01:03:10,840
Speaker 1: but it happens. You be knowing that it's me that

1303
01:03:11,160 --> 01:03:13,360
Speaker 1: it happens. She spent a lot of money on little

1304
01:03:13,440 --> 01:03:15,480
Speaker 1: tiny things that add up at the end of the

1305
01:03:15,560 --> 01:03:18,080
Speaker 1: month it happens, I don't be going into Starbucks like

1306
01:03:18,120 --> 01:03:19,720
Speaker 1: that now where I bought a whole coffee pot and

1307
01:03:19,760 --> 01:03:21,400
Speaker 1: I got my own coffee so that way I can

1308
01:03:21,440 --> 01:03:23,480
Speaker 1: make my own coffee at home, and I got a

1309
01:03:23,520 --> 01:03:27,680
Speaker 1: reusable cup. And that's only because you're welcome. Thank you,

1310
01:03:27,960 --> 01:03:31,000
Speaker 1: thank you so for this person here who's saying, did

1311
01:03:31,000 --> 01:03:34,360
Speaker 1: you tell your spouse they don't notice? No, you better

1312
01:03:34,560 --> 01:03:38,360
Speaker 1: say something because if they notice, if they notice without

1313
01:03:38,400 --> 01:03:41,000
Speaker 1: you saying something, it's gonna look like it's deceitful. And

1314
01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:44,080
Speaker 1: that's just not fair, especially if it's shared together, like

1315
01:03:44,200 --> 01:03:46,280
Speaker 1: y'all earn that money together. Yeah, and if you're saving

1316
01:03:46,320 --> 01:03:49,800
Speaker 1: for something in particular, budgeting yourself, like just don't do it.

1317
01:03:50,040 --> 01:03:52,600
Speaker 1: Say something, bro sis whoever the online shop, because it's

1318
01:03:52,640 --> 01:03:54,160
Speaker 1: not always just the women. I know some men who

1319
01:03:54,200 --> 01:03:57,160
Speaker 1: shot more than their their women. You show me the

1320
01:03:57,240 --> 01:04:00,600
Speaker 1: exception and try to make it the rule. Blah blah blah.

1321
01:04:00,800 --> 01:04:02,960
Speaker 1: You know, you know the demographic in this country, The

1322
01:04:03,040 --> 01:04:11,760
Speaker 1: highest spenders in this country are women. An I'm about

1323
01:04:11,800 --> 01:04:14,520
Speaker 1: to be out of that demographic. You're about to move

1324
01:04:14,560 --> 01:04:16,960
Speaker 1: it up. You're about to move up the whole demographic.

1325
01:04:17,320 --> 01:04:23,680
Speaker 1: You by yourself getting Amazon. They're gonna change it now. Well, actually,

1326
01:04:23,680 --> 01:04:26,880
Speaker 1: I haven't even reached that demographic. I'm twenty three. Okay,

1327
01:04:27,360 --> 01:04:30,800
Speaker 1: you canna believe whatever you want. Those are fun scenarios.

1328
01:04:31,200 --> 01:04:34,920
Speaker 1: You guys have such great stories to tell. I enjoy

1329
01:04:35,240 --> 01:04:37,960
Speaker 1: fun real scenarios. Yes, and if you want to be

1330
01:04:38,040 --> 01:04:40,120
Speaker 1: featured as one of our listener letters, y'all know where

1331
01:04:40,120 --> 01:04:43,280
Speaker 1: to hit us. Email us at dead ask Advice at

1332
01:04:43,320 --> 01:04:46,560
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. So keep those coming. We love to

1333
01:04:46,600 --> 01:04:50,680
Speaker 1: hear from you'all. Yes, do you have a moment of

1334
01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:54,640
Speaker 1: truth for us today? A moment of truth today? Moment

1335
01:04:54,680 --> 01:04:58,480
Speaker 1: of truth today? I would say my moment of truth

1336
01:04:59,200 --> 01:05:06,080
Speaker 1: is to continue to use reverse psychology on the valve

1337
01:05:06,760 --> 01:05:10,160
Speaker 1: to get stuff done, since he doesn't like boundaries. Until

1338
01:05:10,240 --> 01:05:13,280
Speaker 1: you're aware of the fact that I'm using reverse psychology

1339
01:05:13,320 --> 01:05:16,080
Speaker 1: on you, can you be serious for once in your life?

1340
01:05:16,160 --> 01:05:20,800
Speaker 1: Like I'm a very serious person. Okay, serious person, you're

1341
01:05:20,840 --> 01:05:23,120
Speaker 1: just not taking a serious fine. Go ahead, give me

1342
01:05:23,200 --> 01:05:26,600
Speaker 1: a moment of truth. Then. The best boundary that you

1343
01:05:26,680 --> 01:05:30,640
Speaker 1: can give someone, it's no boundaries, and watch how they move.

1344
01:05:31,440 --> 01:05:33,520
Speaker 1: Once you see how they move, make a decision on

1345
01:05:33,640 --> 01:05:36,200
Speaker 1: your own if you want to exist in their life. Period.

1346
01:05:36,600 --> 01:05:38,680
Speaker 1: This whole boundary thing of telling people what they can

1347
01:05:38,760 --> 01:05:42,320
Speaker 1: they can't do. Don't work, won't work, will never work.

1348
01:05:42,560 --> 01:05:45,120
Speaker 1: People lie to you when they say do this, say

1349
01:05:45,160 --> 01:05:47,880
Speaker 1: you don't like this, and then they'll conform. No, let

1350
01:05:47,960 --> 01:05:50,520
Speaker 1: that person that you want to live with live their

1351
01:05:50,600 --> 01:05:52,600
Speaker 1: life and then you make a choice if you can

1352
01:05:52,680 --> 01:05:55,840
Speaker 1: exist in their life period period. Don't make boundaries on

1353
01:05:55,880 --> 01:05:59,080
Speaker 1: other people, make boundaries on yourself. I can't exist over

1354
01:05:59,120 --> 01:06:01,160
Speaker 1: there with you. So you're saying, have internal boundaries that

1355
01:06:01,200 --> 01:06:04,960
Speaker 1: will allow you to then move accordingly. Absolutely, don't let

1356
01:06:05,000 --> 01:06:08,720
Speaker 1: nobody else give you boundaries. Live like Neo in the Matrix. Okay,

1357
01:06:09,160 --> 01:06:11,200
Speaker 1: do you are the one when the boundaries keep coming

1358
01:06:11,840 --> 01:06:14,600
Speaker 1: You just got that whole put their hand out, you

1359
01:06:14,720 --> 01:06:18,000
Speaker 1: do the whole like flashback, stop stop the boundary bullet.

1360
01:06:20,480 --> 01:06:23,040
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, now you stop the boundary bullet in his track.

1361
01:06:23,600 --> 01:06:25,800
Speaker 1: Then you drop it because all these agents, the agents

1362
01:06:25,840 --> 01:06:29,120
Speaker 1: will come for you. Don't let the agents come for you.

1363
01:06:29,800 --> 01:06:36,959
Speaker 1: Gotch Neo and the Matrix dess be short to follow

1364
01:06:37,080 --> 01:06:39,640
Speaker 1: us on social media. Check out our handles that's I

1365
01:06:39,800 --> 01:06:43,320
Speaker 1: am devout I am And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,

1366
01:06:43,360 --> 01:06:48,160
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe Homies. Yes. Buddy

1367
01:06:49,600 --> 01:06:52,320
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's produced by

1368
01:06:52,400 --> 01:06:55,960
Speaker 1: T Square and Dinora Penia. Our chief content Officer is

1369
01:06:56,080 --> 01:06:59,840
Speaker 1: Chris Banning. Our associate producers are Kristin Torres and Trouble.

1370
01:07:00,360 --> 01:07:03,800
Speaker 1: Our studio engineer and original music is by Brendan Burns

1371
01:07:03,880 --> 01:07:11,760
Speaker 1: and mixed by Andy, Kristen's daughter. For back, I'm Drew

1372
01:07:11,840 --> 01:07:14,040
Speaker 1: McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going

1373
01:07:14,080 --> 01:07:15,960
Speaker 1: on right now as part of the stitchen Et. We're

1374
01:07:16,000 --> 01:07:21,760
Speaker 1: called Substraction that's available everywhere. Getting podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple,

1375
01:07:21,960 --> 01:07:24,440
Speaker 1: Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out.

1376
01:07:24,680 --> 01:07:25,240
Speaker 1: Do it please,